Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Reset Your Esteem w/ Cadedra Burks

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Ladies, W.E. are halfway through the year & hitting the RESET button! ‘Cause why not? Fresh perspective ain’t never hurt nobody. Empowering listeners to rekindle a respect from within, is self-care coach Cadedra Burks! She & SJR unpacked the highs and lows of self-esteem, that ole petty inner voice, along with how to rebuild confidence. Sis, they think you actin’ brand new—whole time, you just protecting the work that God has done in you. This episode is FULL of practical ways to improve your self-esteem, followed by some “groundbreaking” relationship advice you don’t wanna miss! Y’all heard AthleticGreens.com/Evolve is giving a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D & 5 Travel Packs with your first purchase + Zocdoc.com/WomanEvolve is a FREE online service that’ll help you find top-rated doctors? Act NOW & tell ‘em W.E. sent you!

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you can care yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody like that. You don't need no itch, it's a two-unit boundary. So what? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Try. Summer, summer, summer time. Where is Will's? Oh, I don't know. Okay. I don't know about it. All right. But let me tell you something. The classics are still the classics. Okay. I love summer. Even though these bills don't take a break off. And let me tell you how school was such a fraud Because it made you feel like you don't have any responsibilities for about two and a half months Then you got into this big world. What never mind. I won't even start. I'll say before my therapist

I love though the illusion that summer break still applies to me too The thought of making plans that I high key hope the other person will cancel because to be honest I'd rather be at home binge watching a TV show or reading a book, which for a minute, can we just say that I believe canceled plans are a form of self-care? I have to see if my co-host, though, Kadidra agrees with that. She is the self-care guru and expert that you did not know you needed in your life.

She's a self-care coach, so she knows all the things that need to be known about self-care. And let's start the conversation with helping you get back to a place of taking care of you. Cathedral, you better give us this face B. It's giving what let me tell you about this highlight in the contour. I see it. How are you? I'm doing well, I'm super excited. Like I'm all bubbly and inside. I'm about to talk to Sarah.

But I'm super cool. Well, let me tell you, I've heard so many amazing things about you that I'm looking forward to just receiving from you and connecting in this way. So thank you. Thank you for being a part of the podcast. Thank you for having me for sure. We're talking about just like revolutionary reset, right? It's July.

It's the middle of the year. We're trying to figure out who we are. How do I want to close out the year? What am I looking forward to doing when 2023 begins? And I feel like we cannot move into this next phase of resetting ourselves until we talk about our self-esteem and I heard that like self-esteem is your thing. So I want to know how do you define self-esteem? So for me, originally when I saw the topic and I thought I'm like, what does self-esteem

to me? At first I'm like, it's not appearance, it's not the image that first came to mind for me. For me personally, it was like my voice and how I show up for myself and how present myself and what that looks like for me. And so I'm like, okay, for me, like my voice and how I choose to speak or what I choose to say or what I choose to write, when I was a child, I used to press it. And because bad things will happen if you say

wounds on your mind or if you say the wrong thing bad things will happen. So I just came up with this mentality, okay, why am I not going to say nothing. So when it came to my self-esteem, it really affected it because I'm like, man, I can't be who I am. I can't even say what I really feel because like something bad is gonna happen if I do. And so self-esteem for me is all about using my voice. I love that.

I think that when I think about just the word is steam exclusively, I think about when they're introducing like fancy people and they're like, they're highly esteemed, right? And I think that has ultimately, what they're saying is they're well respected, they're highly respected. So when we talk about our self-esteem, what we're really talking about is our ability

to have respect for oneself, for our thoughts, our feelings, our voice. And when a person has low self-esteem, it is no wonder that we see that they don't feel confident in their thoughts, they don't feel confident in their voice. That's why you can have people who are beautiful on the outside, but they still have low self-esteem

because they don't have that respect within themselves. Can you tell me maybe about the first time life tried to attack your respect for yourself, whether it was something that happened to you or something that you did that made you begin to question whether or not you could still respect who you are? Ooh, I'm like, where do I start? I'm like, I love the vulnerability,

but it started honestly for me back when I was a child. So when I was a child, I don't know what's trauma we want to happen to, you know, from the property, from the drug, at a single parent, health home, from just a lot of emotional instability, like it was just so essential, it was so much things that happened to me where I felt like my self-esteem had to be like, status and then it became this thing where I was like, okay, how can I show up for myself truly? Without feeling like I have to shadow everything around me because all these things around me wasn't in my control

So I'm like, okay, what is in control? How can I Listen to me and see what's wrong with me or how I feel what I need in those things within those natures And I came to the conclusion like I started all the people I started off a journalist Sarah Like, I started, I always tell people, I started off a journalist, Sarah. Like, journal's back in the day, shout out, you know what's talking crazy? Up in those journals, and I used to be so happy because I felt like I had an outplay.

I'm like, ooh, like, don't know if I know how I feel, but I know how I feel. And so I started, I asked myself, okay, how can that person that's in the journal show up in real life? That's with a challenge, so I'm myself, okay, how can that person that's in the journal show up in real life? That's what a challenge is. I'm like, because I can talk all day and how I feel Pidly with myself, but when it came to communicating with others when it came to when there was a job or relationship or family members I started to get silent and I'm like, I don't know how I feel.

Girl, you know how you feel. So that's where it started. I think childhood and growing up and learning, okay, I don't have no control of nothing just going on, but how can I like, still show up and be myself in a sense? Do you think that if someone is in that same exact circumstances, you know, like I need to show up for myself in relationships, I need to show up for myself in relationships. I need to show up for

myself in the workplace as I'm advocating for my dream, my purpose and my destiny. I have to use my voice even though the journal was a place that ended up confining you. Do you think it also gave you the opportunity to practice though because sometimes it's like yeah okay go ahead tell me. Yeah it's like that's what it was. And that's what I took you to. I'm like, okay, I don't have to have it all figured out. I don't have to necessary, like feel like, if I say something that is the wrong thing, then, oh, I need to go back into my shell.

So I just kept trying. And I recognized this thing we talked about about uncomfortable conversation. I'm like, boy, am I uncomfortable? Every time I say something, it was like, but at the end of the day, I felt good, but it was just a practice. And it's like, when you learn that,

like, when you are comfortable, that's never gonna go away. You still wanna have uncomfortable situations in life, it's just kinda finding a way to navigate through it. And once I learn, okay, as long as you, you know, like, I feel like listening to myself was really important because I used to like have like everything around me kind of try to validate me, my experience,

what I should be doing, and now this day and social media. It's just like everything tells you what you should be. And so I'm like, okay, how can I path it showing up? Like who I'm truly in and what that means to me? And do that, and that my voice was a part of me. Now it's like I started blogging. I'm like, you know why I'm asking all my dear subordinates? I'm like, it's fine, it's fine.

But it's just what was way in which I challenged myself to really like show up for myself. I like put myself out there knowing that, I don't be like it's gonna be out there. So like I like to challenge myself. I'll do a challenge all day, like, okay. So yeah. You remind me of myself,

because it's like girl, like on one hand, you don't wanna be in front of people. On the other hand, here you are. Like here you are. But I do think there is something about no longer trusting the inner voice that says you can't. And anytime that inner voice says that you can't do this or you shouldn't do this, I think part of me doing it anyway is in rebellion to my shame.

It's in rebellion to my insecurity. It's in rebellion to my low self-esteem. It doesn't mean that I show up confidently. It doesn't mean that I show up feeling like I've got it all together. But what it means is that I would rather be dictated by faith and fear. So in order for me to escape my fears, I have to step into this unknown and I'm willing to do that. And that's just a crazy thing to do.

Like, some people are like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm crazy. That's why I just go for it. Let's just go for like, I feel like I'm either or either I'm gonna knock do it or I'm just jumping off the bridge. I'm like, where is the empty place? You, I love you. I love you from a deep place because I literally have a group

message with two of my friends who are connected with Woman Evolve and it's like, we just be doing stuff and it's like, Woman Evolve just be doing stuff because it's like, you know what? Let's go on tour. Like, girl, why do you think that you should be on anybody's buzz going from city to say, like, who do you think you are?

Like, let's start a podcast. And now, just be doing stuff. I have no in between. Like, they tell me when I say I just wanna dip my toe in the water that everyone gets scooped with diving gear because I'm gonna push you out of the boat. I don't know why they say that about me, but I guess it's true.

But I think that's what challenges teachers. It's like stuff is not like the ordinary like, like, um, what I think is something that then where I was real high in the sky, and I was like, girl, why you want to go up there? But it was like because in the first place, you can't go up. So you, well, you better go up there, or you're gonna listen to the end of voice.

So I'm always like fighting with the ender self and like, okay, no, I'm a go up there. I'm like, okay, this keeps up here. So it was just like every time you do that jump, it's like, okay, this was worth it. It took a lot, but it was worth it. And then so I, I started getting so caught up on like the process and letting the process just be the process.

And once I started doing that, I'm like, okay, whatever is supposed to happen will, but not trying a necessary control and think, because I like to control everything. I want everything to be, I wanted to be because I feel like I'm going to do it the best I can. So yeah.

Do you think that that's how you build your self-esteem like you have to do the opposite of what low self-esteem says so that you can discover new parts of yourself as you activate esteem and confidence and maybe conversations relationships and even self-care that you didn't know that you could possess exactly and it's really about like normal to me. And what is that voice saying? Like instead of blocking it, listen to it. Like what is it saying? And then like, why is it saying this? Because all the time, once I figured out the why, I'm like, baby, that don't even make no sense. Like so you're sitting over here, dwelling in something, um, you're sitting over here, the wellin is something, you're sitting over here, the wellin is something that

doesn't even matter. Is it a like girl come out? Or like whatever the emotion is, it's like, I like to have these little pep tops for myself, because what I used to do was I like run to talk to my friends and everybody and see what they thought and make they thoughts, my thoughts, I don't even feel like that.

So just really just honing into your wide, I think will help you build your self-esteem because once you realize it's about you, the self and the steam that you, and being able to celebrate you and that way you will be able to just really thrive and want to be. Our next partner has a product I use literally every day.

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So you laid out something that was very practical. Instead of trying to suppress the voice or ignore the voice, honor the voice of your low self-esteem. Tap into it, discover what it's trying to tell you, and then you get to choose whether or not it makes sense, whether or not it's true, whether or not it is anchored in what God says about you or is it anchored in your fear. Can you give me a practical example of you having to walk this process out yourself? And if you give me, if you give me one of yours,

I'll give you one of mine. Okay, cool, cool, because I'm trying to think what, what was I walking it out? Yeah, um, because I don't want to generalize because I know I always start with my journal in like being able to just really, really, and bring them like always like, like, um, bring them back to such. You know, I mean go first. You want me to go first? You're first. I was so first I'll give you two. So, okay, so something recently happened on social media and I was convinced that it had ruined my ministry. I was convinced that everything was over,

that it just like, you know what, this is it. Not because it was true, but because people were, it was gaining attention and traction and people were paying attention to it. And so I started preparing for life outside of woman evolved. And I'm like, you know, I can cook, I can do hair. Maybe I should start getting my cosmetology license now. So that way, like if it goes down, I can try and get a job at a hair salon.

Like maybe my friend Jason will let me work in his marketing department at his store. You have the whole plan, sis. You have no idea, I see. Like you think I'm joking and I'm giving you my God's honest truth. And you know, when I actually like set it out loud and it was like, what is this rooted in? Like why are you having these thoughts?

And I'm like, I'm afraid that people will lose the connection that we've built over the last few years that I've been doing this. I'm afraid that people won't the connection that we've built over the last few years that I've been doing this. I'm afraid that people won't trust me, won't believe me, won't believe that what I'm saying is true. And then God really downloaded in my spirit. It's like, so are you afraid that something

that I gave you, something that I blessed, something that I anointed is going to be taken away by some opinion? And I was like, oh, I guess that don't make sense. And so like my brain came in like, if God built it, it can't come down. And if God didn't build it, there's nothing that anyone can do to change the path of what's already set in motion. So that's like, that's where I found my piece. But I then't thought it was coming for me. Yeah, no, tell me about it.

Didn't it just make me think of a situation, well, not even a situation, just a lifestyle change last year in July. I decided to uproot my whole life child. I was making a fake move. When I told you I make the jump off the bridge, I jumped off the bridge bridge. So I thought I was about to drown

because I decided, okay, I'm trying to be in in this state. This is not for filming me. I know what I'm passionate about. And I want to change that passion. And I just kept feeling like this urge and like the Holy Spirit, me guiding me into my okay home spirit with team and that, we, we, we working together. So then, so that involved me giving up my job,

giving up my apartment, my place and peace, and I went to relocate to the DMV area. So I'm thinking once I gave all this stuff up, boom. Like it was just, the miracle was just gonna fall right in my back. The miracle, they're falling my left. So the day I had to go, I'm gonna be back in with my mom. So I'm overworking myself. I'm planarly doin' all these applications, I'm doin' all, forgettin' about what I did it in the first place and the guy was like, trying to really

teach me trust and obedience, because I could believe in God, but to be obedient when you win a season, when you don't, when you like control so much, it wasn't the easiest for me. So I'm puttin' all this strain on my body. I'm losing weight. I decide to go vegan. Girl, I don't always think like, and I realized through all that, when I was just doing so much,

I literally just had the like surrender, like, okay. And then soon as I surrender, I just felt just like a wave of like peace. And then everything started going in a line I just felt just like a wave of like peace. And then everything started going in a line and I started just doing things more so with purpose. And that really helped build back my confidence. Because my confidence was like shattered.

Because once I started losing weight, my acne started, like it was so much happening. And it taught me like you may go through seasons where you're not confident, but that'll meet you to can't get right back on track. So just not necessarily focusing on the destination, but like really just enduring. And I don't like to be so endureful. I'm like, I'm going to endure for a little bit. But I'm like, Jesus, I can't. I'm done. We've been like three times out of this day. Like, child, why not be three months? Just six months now. You have to be, why not be that long?

So, but I told, because I guess, God will teach me patience too. And I think patience and sometimes it's being grow together because you have to be patient with yourself in order to seek out what it is that you need and want to be. You said that when you were basically at your rock bottom in this recent season of your life,

that that's how you begin to rebuild confidence. And somebody is like confused, because it's like, this I'm rock bottom, and it ain't no confidence, nowhere to be found. I didn't try Amazon Prime, it ain't on DoorDash, it ain't on Instacart. You try everything. Where is the confidence?

How does your rock bottom become the place in which you begin to build confidence? What happened for you in that moment where you started building brick by brick the confidence that we're now experiencing? So what first it was like, I was literally like, once I didn't expect it to be the miracle of all, even though I knew it didn't work like that,

even though I felt got it to take just a super faith move. And people, I know it's crazy, but then I kept validated myself. Like it got, it, believe it in the unknown, this crazy. So it has like, I didn't want to necessarily give up my job. I still don't want it some type of perfect, protect the effect of because I'm a planner.

I'm a planner, everything out. And I'm having every ABC all the way to Z. But when I realized like the thing that I did the most that like kept me safe and sacred was gone, I'm like, you kind of just kind of like, I feel like you just kind of surrendered. Like you just like, okay, what can I do? Like you focus on what you can control.

I said to focus on the things that you can control. I think I was focused on all the factors that I can control, but when I'm like, okay, I can control the things that I'm putting out and start building the things that I'm passionate about. And just that's one thing. I just felt like started a line and for me, but it was hard because my confidence was definitely

Shatter and then I would do like I thought like so much was happening to me all at one time I'm like I don't know what me like Crystals are something like I don't know I'll be here some podcast when they talk about the shout out all the stuff Is it the moon like I was and all this stuff. Is it the moon? I was really trying to find anything to like, cling onto, but I just felt like I stuck to my guns,

like Jonathan Devotion on reading. And then I also like to listen, like I listened to a lot of like inspirational podcasts and things and like sermons throughout the week. So I just felt like although those tools in the moment felt like they wasn't working. I kept doing them and then eventually they started. Like you just, you start to lift up a little bit.

So I feel like even when you do feel like rock bottom and you feel like everything is like, you feel like everything is just shattered to pieces. That's where you really build it up. And I know I did not plan for me to be shattered. That's what I'll be talking about with God like to see. Stay trying to lay. Teach me something in a moment when I'm trying to be taught. You know what I love about what you said is that it came piece by piece. And I think that's P-I-E-C-E and also P-E-A-C-E, like peace by peace. And because, yeah, I do think that like when we lose our confidence

after a bad breakup, a job loss, a business thing doesn't go the way that we expected. When we want our confidence back, we wanted to come back at 100. Like I want a full-tank of gas. Like don't give me no ounce by ounce gallon by gallon. I want the full tank of confidence that I had not realizing that those little drops do matter.

And if we could pay attention to the little drops, so today I felt confident in the fact that I could get up out of the bed out of this depression. Today I felt confident that I can communicate about the best way to end the business and the best way to pay out the employees employees that how to surrender to this heartbreak. I think those little pieces come together until you begin to rebuild not just your confidence, but your self-esteem, which again, is self-respect.

My ability to respect myself comes from me not surrendering to the grief of what didn't work, but really manifesting the power of what can still happen with what I have left. Exactly, and normal works for you. Like, for me getting up in the morning, making sure I do some type of movement, make sure I have my live shot with coconut wash. Like being doing some of these things,

even when I didn't feel the greatest. Like, although my mind wasn't necessarily like in the right space, my body felt good. So like even when it comes to being in alignment with the mind body, so I'm scared. Sometimes the spirit maybe you have, but the body you just doesn't look sluggish. So I just feel like you just have to work

with what you have and know what that is that you need. And even if you don't know what you need, just like, act yourself. Like, like, marinate them, like sit still enough to receive it. And that was another point. In fact, I started practicing stillness to a whole different level. Then I really started hearing God wake, Chris, clear. And I'm like, wow, okay. Now I really feel got it. So it was just like stillness is an incredible practice because it does allow you to really dish, to detract and subtract yourself from the noise of life and to really allow yourself to honor what you're hearing,

what you're feeling and also to be filled up. I wonder, do you think, or where do you think the line is between high self-esteem and arrogance? Like, what is the difference between the two? So I feel like arrogance is more so people feeling like they're too good to either do something, be around something, or you know, like experience something new. I feel like air

against like it's when it's like can't I'm gonna tell you nothing. Like you know he has sometimes you walk in a certain event or something and it's just like it's like a chip on the show. Not because you don't have the sets me. Nobody say you can't work for it but you know I'm like that. I care. Like I think it comes down to character. Like you can have everything you ever wanted. Things are working great for you or even opposite. Nothing is working for you. Cause some seasons where it's like,

you like ain't nothing happened that for me but still like being able to know that you are good enough for that. I think that last difference, like the worst and know that you are good enough for that, I think that lies the difference, like the worth and it. Like you can know that you're a worthy of something, even when it's not happening. And as far as the arrogant part, when you know that you are worthy of it,

but your character just make it seem like, I don't know, it's like, it's really like your character, it's really the meaning. it's really like your character. She really demeaning. That's what I would say. Okay, so I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your story. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions.

You can send me your application, your video to be a co-host to podcast at woman evolve.com. Let me know what it is you want to talk about, why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you like girl, I am not going to be on anybody's podcast, I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign, overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question, podcast at woman evolve.com. Okay, let's get back to the podcast.

I love the difference between the two that you shared there because I do think that if you're like me and you've suffered from low self-esteem, sometimes we think that high self-esteem is arrogant. Like to be proud of who you are or to have respect and boundaries, like I don't want to come off as arrogant, I don't want to act like I'm brand new, like I'm acting different, but to have self-respect is not to diminish or demean the other people who are on the other side of those boundaries. But it is to say, this is how I protect who I am and who I am becoming.

So I love the difference because that's not arrogant. That's protection of the work that God has had to do in my life. That took me a long time to get here. And I feel like you're like me because it seems like it is taking you some twists and turns to get to a place where you finally feel like, you know, just a little something, like just a little bit. Where are you now? Thank you for that sometimes.

They will. They will. They will. I learned that, and that's what, like, it started becoming a scene where once you start feeling that confidence, like, you smell it, you walk out, you should be like, why are you acting? I can't see how to do that. I can't, you know, they feel like you're pretending, but a lot of times that's a reflection

of them and out of you, but it's still, you know, like, you still kind of feel some type of way, like, because it's like, damn, working all hard on myself. You don't just come over and think you could just step on me like an ant or something like. Woof. I wondered, you said you were going through a tough season. Where are you now in your journey and your story? So I'm still, I feel like I'm out the dungeon, but I'm still like working my way alongside the river.

I'm still not where I want to be. I'm still not in the state that I want to still. Didn't get the pay or the job that I want. But what I am doing, so like I'm like okay, and I am building my business. I am making sure I'm showing up every day for myself care and doing the things that my body stones, the spirit need. And I'm making sure I'm just enjoying my circumstances

and what I have for the moment. Like I'm appreciating the now. Like okay, the future will get there and what I want but really just taking the time to appreciate the now and I think that's what really helped me you know gain a little bit more confidence because I'm like I'm not gonna be here forever so just take it like that where our patients just be able to take your time and not put a timeline on it because I kept my little timelines on certain things and I think a lot of people do that too.

I'm gonna feel better by next week. Sometimes you ain't doing better next week. So just give yourself the time and grace for what you need in that space and what you need it. I think a workout, I said, and just forcing yourself to feel better or feel like, oh, and then especially when people actually like, oh, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm still there. Did you really get up your house? Yes, I did. Why, girl, it was fake. That's crazy, I know. Yeah. You know, I, what I get through it. I don't think that there is anything more soul-shaking

than entering into the world of entrepreneurship because you just find out everything you don't know and how difficult it is to even make noise so that people can hear about whatever it is that you do. So I wanna ask you, what is it that you do? What is this business that you're building? So my business is self-care lifestyle. I'm coach black women who wants to invest in their self-care

to become a source of self-love, self-worth, and self-care lifestyle, I'm coach black women, wants to invest in their self-care, to become a source of self-love, self-work, and self-awareness. And I do that through newsletters, workshops, and toolkits. And what you said about just being able to get in front of people, working with an author, and then especially when you being true for bond, we're like the things I say on my post. And then when they talk to me on the workshop,

when I be in bed, you're really a downer person. I'm like, yeah, I don't go try to think just because I'm putting this information out there that I'm not living by, so I just feel like I'm true and authentic to my brain. And I just really wanna create and cultivate those states where we can be able to have those vulnerable conversations because oftentimes, like, with me just being bad voice,

being silent, I'm like, if I could cultivate a space where women don't have to be silas and they could come and talk about trauma, they could come and talk about what they lack, but they also come and talk about they success, I think it just shows some balance and bring back that, you know, that state, I feel like urgency that we need in order to feel safe. So if you could go back in time to the girl who needed this space, she needed this environment, she needed the opportunity to be able to vocalize

how she was feeling. What do you know now that you would tell her about whatever it is she was experiencing, whether it was the relationship dynamic with your parent or the homelessness, like what is it that you would say to her? or the homelessness, what is it that you would say to her? I'm like, it's funny because when I was going through the childhood, trying to, I didn't know what childhood childhood was.

I didn't learn that until I got to college. And so, when I think about what I tell that girl now, because I will always have outlets, and I think that's why I'm really big on tour kids. And knowing like, okay, you can reach out to different things to help you hone back into yourself. And that's how I birth my business. But I would really tell that girl

to really keep finding those outlets outlet for me for school, like knowing I had a space. And then we had after school program, even though technology and but just being involved even though we come for like none of the sports and stuff after school, I could go to the center and have a space to still do club and programs and stuff like that. It's so crazy. That's the type of work that I do now. Literally like programming director and being able to get back. So it's like it always come back for a circle, but it was important for me to have those outlets

because everything now child, the kids now have been caught. So just being able to find those programs, especially as a child, or if you have children, when the kids most talk to me, all they do is want you to listen to the nine times out of 10, they just want you to take five minutes to listen. And then so every time I'll come home, I mean, to work and all the kids listening

all they want to do is talk. So I'm like, look, just listen to what they got to say because I ain't nobody one else want to hear them. That's all the things to say. I'm going off of the tangent, but yeah, I would just say find the habits. Okay. So I want to ask you something. And then we have an advice question that we'll answer together, but you said that you did not know when you were a child, that what you were experiencing

was childhood trauma, that you didn't find out until you were an adult. And I think that I can relate to that. I think that I didn't see some of the things that I went through as trauma either until I came into adulthood and realized how much it shaped my esteem or broke my esteem or broke my belief. And so when you discovered that it was trauma, did it take you some time to embrace it? Did you feel like I don't wanna call it trauma?

I don't wanna own that. Like I don't wanna speak that over my life or were you able to embrace it pretty quickly? Cause I feel like for me, I was like, I don't know if that's real trauma, like I don't know if that's trauma. Like it's not trauma trauma, it's only like what is I try? But being able to really embrace that,

I think has made me more compassionate over myself. For me, when I recognized it was trauma, I don't, you know, therapy, they do like a H-D-E test or something like that. And they like check out the ones you experienced. I'm an attorney. I don't, I'm an attorney doing a test to help youth this and crisis high risk.

And I check out every single box on the list and I'm like, but I ain't crazy, though. All these things don't say that people can have a bite, I'm perfectly fine. And so I just feel like don't put a stigma attached to yourself until you really know yourself. And for me, when I first recognized it was trauma, I think it's released something, I'm because I was, I went to a HBCU, HBCU.

And it was always space cultivated for people to talk about their trauma. When I first heard people talk about their trauma, I'm like, no, they know how to get from their distance out here. But it freed me. It really helped me be able to see, okay, that wasn't right. That wasn't right. that wasn't right. That wasn't right, but okay, what can I do to make it right?

How can I shift? Cause I think a lot of times we talk about like, oh, I don't want this to be like them or do this, but to actually walking that path was completely different. And I'm like, I'm choosing to walk in that path. And when I chose to do that, I think, that's when I really, I think myself, that's when myself revealed to me,

I was like, it revealed to stop to meet. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to ask that, because I feel like there, there's a lot of interhealing work going on. I think especially for women, black women in spaces where we're finally acknowledged

some of the pains and wounds of our culture and of our individual stories. And I think there's something powerful about saying this was trauma, like this was not something I should have seen witness or experience. And yet it is a part of my story and owning that takes a lot of a lot of work. Exactly. And I let me define you, but allow it to make you who you are. Like, that's how I look at it. Like, yeah, but I don't have to necessarily like keep that trauma alive by trying to live

by it, but just being able to know why I am within. Yeah. Finding the right doctor is like having a comfy dress with pockets. You want to tell everyone about it. Zackdoc, a free app that shows you doctors who are patient-reviewed, take your insurance, and are available when you need them is an app you'll love using and one you'll share with anyone who will listen. I know I do. Zach Doc has quality doctors at your fingertips and reviews from real people that have recently been seen by them so you can take the guesswork out of finding the best care for you or your loved one. Scheduling appointments has never been easier.

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to open up about my past in order to heal. I am 29 years old in an amazing healthy relationship with a man who I love dearly and who loves me. I have grown so much in my faith in just as a woman in general with loving and valuing myself. My issue is that I still struggle with forgiving myself for the sins of my past. I have had many partners and I'm not proud of this. I know that when I was younger, I was feeling avoid and I like the attention that men gave me. But now that I know my worth,

it's hard for me to come to terms with who I used to mean. How can I move forward and forgive myself for my past? Thank you for reading. Thank you. How can she move forward and first give herself for her past? You know, stop holding onto it. Like, I would definitely say it happened a long time.

Sometimes I feel like we overcomplicate things. And if we look at the situation, okay, I did that. I understand why I did that. Now, let me process on what that looks like moving forward. Like, girl, you was in a healthy relationship. Do you know if that needs to be in a healthy relationship. Like just making sure that you understand your now

and stop being so focused on the present, I think will just help you just come alive. Like yeah, I did that, but now I'm doing this. And when you have that confidence, then it's like, okay, you coming through says, cause you're not being defined on what has happened and you choosing to walk forward in spite of what has happened to be who you wanna be.

So that's what I would say, Tyron. Okay, so this is gonna be like the first time in Woman Evolve podcast, because the way that I'm gonna start my offer is gonna sound like I disagree with what you said, but I don't. I just have a different angle, a different perspective that I would like to offer.

Cause I think that you were telling her to let it go and to not hang on to it. And I actually think she should do the opposite. I think she should hang on to it. Yeah, I know, right? That's why I said this is gonna be groundbreaking. Yeah. I only say that because I spend a lot of time trying to distance myself from my past, from

the relationships, from the promiscuity. Like I was like, I don't want that to be me. I hate that version of myself. She was this, she was that whatever. And I think in the process of doing that, that I internalized a hatred for my own pain. I internalized the hatred for my own past. And so instead, what I have been challenged to do in the more recent years of my life is to embrace that side of who I was, but to not punish myself in the embracing, but to

rather see it from the lens of pain and compassion. So now when I think about those things that used to make me cringe, or like, how could you have done that? You just met that person, or how could you do that? You know, I think to myself, while I was in so much pain that I was willing to do that in order to fix that pain, and I honor the fact that I no longer experienced that pain or that I know how to deal with that pain. And I honor the fact that I no longer experienced that pain

or that I know how to deal with that pain in a healthy way. And so for me, hanging going to my past has actually helped me to honor the growth of my president because I realized that the pain that I experienced as a girl and the pain that I experienced in those moments did change me, They did shape me, but they also allowed me to find purpose and to recognize that humility and vulnerability don't have to be scary.

Right. Right. And I agree with that because it's like you're besting in a while you did that in order to you over. Yeah. So I definitely agree with that because also times when you don't know the why, you kinda room up and they just thoughts in, oh my gosh, it's just a healthy relationship

or should I be doing it? Cause I have those, I've been through with you to talk to relationships and I realized talk to you looks different for everybody. So understanding that and what she was saying about trying to feel that boy, like I felt that on spiritual level, because I'm like, okay,

I'll try to feel a few boys myself, but understanding like what you're saying that why has helped me be able to push you in order to be that woman I want and not feel like I have to, okay, since I did that in the past, I can show up as this. I can't even, and I feel like I have to, okay, since I did that in the past, I can show up as this. I can't even, and this type of respect, or these type of boundaries,

or doing things totally different from how I used to do it. It's like spend less time focusing on what you did, and more time focusing on why you did it, so that you can see, because if we don't focus on why we did it, then we may not be promiscuous anymore, but now we're workaholics or we're alcoholics. You know what I mean?

We just moved to something else, but the void is still there. And I think when we learn to hold onto that void, to figure out how it got there, and to most importantly, allow the love of God to fill it and to transform us and change us, then it's like, yeah, my price is still high. And yes, no, I still don't take anything

because at the end of the day, that void has been filled. So I am whole through Jesus. And now you're going to have to come holy correct to me or get out my face because I'm not hurt no more, okay? And I feel like they're going to make that a clip. Or even people that she probably know, probably remember you used to, yeah, remember.

And that's my business. And I'm going forward and what I know now. So it's just like just being able to beat for yourself through what has happened to you. Like I think it'll be amazing for you because it's like you giving yourself that credit in order to do that. And I feel like that's very free. Okay, so before we go, I wanna pick your brain.

This is your business. This is what you do. How do we become self-aware and discover self-love in a way that changes the way that we see ourselves and others in the world? Okay, I love that question because I feel like it's near and dear to myself, but um, for me in order to love myself, I have to be aware of myself. And so I had to first

understand what my needs were. I had to know how to identify my emotions by putting a word to it because I oftentimes it's like, I feel it's some type of way, but I don't know what I'm actually feeling. I'm just feeling. So just being able to identify a word with what you feel and why, then being able to invest in those bad trauma. Like, I talk about these are like my five things I do to invest in your self-care. Then I talk about their trauma, like understanding

what has happened to you in ways and wish that shows up. So you can know how to cope with your triggers. And all of this is not an overnight process. It's a lifetime process. It's about the journey, not the destination. I love to say that because people, I just want to feel better tomorrow. Okay, you can start with the simple things today.

But also the last two will just understand what you value. So you can know what place you want to operate out of. Off the times, I feel like I was just understanding what you value. So you can know what place you wanna operate out of. Off the times, I feel like I was just operating out of all these different things that didn't matter because I wasn't listening to know what my beliefs were. So if you believe in faith, operate out of faith and walk in those paths, and I think you're gonna be perfect

but knowing what that looks like. And then lastly, being able to have a regiment, like, no one will work for you. Like, how do you like to listen to yourself? And the best thing in that toolkit, if you need to learn and grow, make sure you're following pages or going to workshops or sermons, like, best thing in these toolkits

that allow you to get to know yourself. Like, I get to know myself in various different ways whether it's stillness, whether it's journaling, whether it's listen to assignment, or attending a workshop or reading the book. It's like you can find yourself through things, but understanding that that love for you is being able to take care of you

by investing in what works for you. Oh, that was kind of boring, and I feel like that's it. I have to look. Indeed it was. Good day to you, my girl. I for you. Oh, that was kind of boring to end up with. That's it. That's it. Oh, okay. Indeed it was. Good deed to you, my girl. I love you.

I love the work that you're doing. Thank you for taking this time to talk to me. I am so hopeful that this conversation about self-esteem is going to be restorative for women, that it is going to fuel them with hope and that they're going to be able to embrace themselves even more. So thank you for your gift today. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Okay, you take care. Bye. Bye.

Kadidra, thanks for hopping into the co-host seat and sharing your light with me and the delegation. You are certainly appreciated. If you or someone you know is down to either help me cohost or if there's an advice question you'd like for me to try to answer hit my inbox at podcasts at woman evolve.com with a one to two-minute video about being my next cohost or you can send me an advice question that you'd like for me to answer. you