Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Reset Your Values w/ Kourtney Mason

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Chile, yesterday's price is NOT today's price! W.E. are added value in these streets, with a WORTH ethic to prove it. Helping the Delegation instill core values and find fulfillment is SJR’s best friend & corporate baddie, Kourtney Mason! Talk about a revolutionary reset—these two chopped it up about a love language evolved, replacing criticism with compassion, setting boundaries, & so much MORE! Sis, God did His thang when He created you! You’re not a mistake and it's never too late to believe again. This episode is oily and WILL restore the value of another woman’s life, so tap-tap-tap-in!

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tiny boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Child. So there is literally potential in like every single day for our values to be challenged, disrupted and changed. And if I'm honest, the thought about that is really unsettling. There are things that I cling to as my values, and yet as life progresses, as my experience is continuing to unfold, my values are changing. I think that we believe that our values will remain the same

as the ones that were instilled to us in our childhood. But when you begin to do the work of discovering what's real, what's authentic, what is God deposited in me, it also means letting go of those values as we evolve even our values begin to reset. Some will realize that we need to revert back to some values because they were good and they were helpful for us in the season we had them. And then there are other values that we need to go on and unsubscribe from because let's be honest, as she was a little raggedy, all right?

It used to value your looks over your heart. It used to value financial success over spiritual wellness and that's raggedy and yet it's hard, but necessary work that we all have to do. One of my best friends Courtney Mason is challenging and resetting values in corporate America and in the corporation of her part, her spirit, her network of friends and family. And she had time to kick it with us today and I got to dig into this revolutionary journey of resetting values that she's on. It's one that I

believe is going to help you a lot. Hey girl, hey. Hey. How are you? You look cute. Thank you so do you. Come on top. Come on background. You better be a well-read black girl.

You're so. So Courtney Mason is been one of my best friends for 20 plus 20 plus years. We're old. We're old in this thing. And the thing about growing up with friends is that you see all of the ways that our lives pivot and change, like Courtney and I were friends before I got pregnant with Malachi.

She was there when I got pregnant, when I had Malachi, during college and stuff, we went to different colleges and different cities, but we were still connected, my divorce, my waitressing, like she's been there through it on my remairs when I first met PT and moved. And I've also been a part of her life for many, many transitions.

And one thing that has been a constant is that there are always these pivotal, twist and turns in our life, where it has become increasingly clear that the only way forward is to reset. And so, I ask Courtney to come on the podcast today because I want to talk about how she has had to revolutionary, revolutionary, reset her life. I think I made a board. That's fine. When you hear that revolutionary reset, what is the first major reset that comes to mind for you in your life? The first major one that comes to my mind is the one that I'm currently in, transition of, and just resetting and prioritizing myself.

That's something that I have looking back at it. You don't realize you're not doing it. And admitting it took a lot of work. It's very vulnerable. Can I cut you off for a second? Because it's a background. Courtney is a single woman. She doesn't have any children yet. But if you know somebody who knows my highlight

because I am trying to get my girl married off. But I want to focus in on that as you talk about prioritizing yourself because I think that there is a misnomer that if you don't have children, if you don't have a spouse, then you are naturally able to put yourself first. But what you are telling me is that even though you don't have those responsibilities that we often think force you

to put yourself last, there is a pathology within yourself that you are resetting because you recognize that you still have this habit of not putting yourself first. Absolutely. As I've done the inner work through therapy and just strengthen in my relationship with God, I realized that not power to tie to myself was actually a defense mechanism. Just starting back to how I was raised. I just always wanted to be a people-cleaser. I had love in my home, so I don't wanna go as far as say that I didn't have love

because I know my parents and my stepfather loved me. But the type of love that I think I needed and yearned for was not in my home. So I once I got out of my home, I wanted to prioritize everyone else. And as a result, I lacked giving what I needed to myself as well. What kind of love did you yearn for versus the type of love that you received? So I think in my household, and this is a type of love, but like being provided for, I never went without. I never went without a meal.

We lived in a nice home and a nice community, went to a great school. But I think as I got older and really understood what family was beyond my home, I wasn't nurtured. Like I think I needed. We didn't, there wasn't a lot of, I love using my home, I wasn't nurtured like I think I needed. We didn't, there wasn't a lot of I love using my home. I cannot recall many times like laying on my mother's lap or her caressing me or we didn't have dinners together, things like that. It was always just very kind of robotic.

But and I think that with what my parents went through as I'm learning grace and forgiveness, they gave love the way they received love. So, but yeah, I think there was just not a lot of nurturing. And so my love language has changed and evolved because of that. That's crazy, because I feel like one of the things that I've had to reset to is my desire

to really understand what type of love I needed and what type of love maybe I felt was absent. And I think that there is something to be said about having provision, but still feeling emotionally abandoned because if there's not a space where you are seen on the inside where someone is helping you to dig through your emotions and your feelings telling you what's normal telling you what's not giving you comfort. Then you're left to kind of fin for yourself and to sort through those emotions yourself. And though your stomach may not be growling, your soul is hungry because no one ever said this is what that is and this is how you fill it. And so we go into the world feeling emotionally abandoned and just praying and hoping that someone will make us finally feel at home and to find that rest in place.

And that's hard. Absolutely. That was it right there. So how did you, like at what point did you come to this? Like, okay, I got to change this. I got to reset it. And what are you doing to change that prioritization and feeling no guilt when doing it? Honestly, it's sad that it took me as long as it did. I'm 36. And just before the pandemic,

I'd say a year or so before the pandemic. And you know, I started doing the inner work with therapy. pandemic and you know I started doing the inner work with therapy. And honestly that is what unlocked so many just revelations and looking back in my life, there were so many times I was crying for help and crying for these changes, whether it was who I was friends with or the types of activities I was involved in or who I chose to be my partners, was all just a cry out for me, wanting that emotional connection, but it was not until I started doing therapy and just re-committing my life to God and really having a relationship with God

and not just going to church. We were raised in church, we were in the walls, but having my own independent relationship with God has really just uncovered a lot. and that's kind of how I'm Working through the transition now. Okay, so someone is like you know what I totally relate I'm looking for that emotional connection like we got them. We hooked them there like I know exactly what it's like to look for love and all the wrong Places because of that aching inside and, you've moved into this place of healing and you're still, you don't have those connections

the way that you maybe thought that you needed them. So I really feel like what we're talking about resetting is the value you place on connections that you think will bring you fulfillment. So like, where do you place your value now that doesn't make you feel like you're missing something or that you're will bring you fulfillment. So like, where do you place your value now that doesn't make you feel like you're missing something or that you're lacking something? And maybe not necessarily that you're not missing something

because I think it's natural to understand like, okay, this is a part of my life where I wanna have fulfillment where I wanna experience connection, but how do you not allow yourself to be defined by that? It's a process. So the first thing is always prioritizing God, of course. But right after that, prioritizing myself and understanding in different seasons,

I do need different things. It's a big thing for me to corporately, professionally, that's always been an alignment for me. But now, in the season that I'm in, it's just understanding that I need to unlearn a lot of things. I need to unlearn even what my definition of love is. Wow. Okay, wait, you gotta break that down. What's your definition and why do you need to unlearn? So Bishop had a message on Sunday and it gave me such just a weight off of me when he was talking about being able to define who you are and where you are.

That's always been something that's been very hard for me to put in words. So I'd like to say I don't fully know what my definition of love is. I know what it's not, you know, based on what I've been through. I know it's not. But as far as romantic love, I am single. I think I know what the ideal romantic partner I want. I know that I want God to be our center, which is something that I have not prioritized

in past relationships. I know that verbal abuse is going to be non-existent and just different things like that. But what does it look like in a positive form? I can't fully say that, you know what I mean? I think at this season of my life, I try to exude love in the way that I want to receive it. That's great.

I think that that's, I'm like in my head because I think that so many of us would probably feel a lot of relief if we admit it. Like, I don't really know what it is that I want in love. Like, in terms of relationships, when we're desiring a relationship or marriage, a lot of times we think about company. Like, I just want someone to watch a movie with. I want someone who's going to hold my hand when we walk through the part and that is companionship and it is necessary and vital. But when it comes to love, those are expressions of love, not necessarily the core of love. And to come to a place where you're like, I don't really know how to define it,

but I know that I will recognize it when I experience it because it's going to be a reflection of what I've cultivated in my relationship with God. That's kind of how I knew that PT was the one for me is because the love that I had cultivated in my relationship with God began to show up in our connection and I felt like you make me feel like I can do no wrong and yet you make me wanna do everything right. You make me feel like even when I do everything right

that there's still better that I can do, but the right was excellent. Like there was this grace to be challenged and comforted right where I was, and I felt like that became my definition of love, not because I had the words, but because I had the connection with God that confirmed what was happening in my relationships.

Exactly, that's it. So I think you're on the right path. So with you really prioritizing your relationship with God, how has it changed the way that you see yourself? And now what do you value? Because I know you're a professional, right? You've got your NBA, you got your fancy corporate job. Like this is out here climbing the ladder and doing incredible things.

She's a first black woman to be in her role. And it is remarkable on the outside looking in and yet have you had to wrestle with like placing your value in your corporate success? That's a really good question. My relationship with God has allowed me to ultimately forgive myself and the grace that I extend to others so effortlessly, like I'm an extremely, I feel like forgiving person. I'm an extremely empathetic person. I try to see the best in everyone, but I have not done that to myself. Like I'm so hard on myself when it comes to professional mistakes or if I say something

wrong or I don't want to say this and hurt this person's feelings, I don't want this person to look at me wrong for saying this so I'm just going to be silent. I'm not going to have a boundary in this relationship because I don't I'm not I felt like at the time I wasn't best with working through conflict because I equated conflict with the relationships over. So just the way that God loves me, that's the love that I'm starting to see and give to myself. And that's been like the biggest revelation. And as a result of that, my empathy and grace for others has just even gotten bigger than that. So you're like practicing self-compassion.

even gotten bigger than that. So you're like practicing self-compassion. Yeah, which is really hard. But it's been so rewarding. Not that I've like lived in a façade or anything like that, but I just am just extremely hard on myself. So it's... And I think that has a lot to do with how I was raised in my home. I was a straight-age student in all the committees. I would come home excited about it. And not that my parents weren't excited, but it wasn't just celebrated. It was like, you got AIDS again. Like, what's next?

It was always like, it was never good enough. So then I started minimizing my accomplishments. Like I've never had a, you know, let's celebrate this, you know, promotion. Let's do this for my birthday. Let's do that. I don't know if you've noticed that, but I just kind of shy away from it because I just feel like that's what was always done to me. So I just continued to do that to myself as well. I don't like that. I know. And I'm just an introvert too. So I'm back with what part of that is that? Cause I do want those things. I don't know. But I don't know because I've never had them because it's never been prioritized in my home.

You know, so and I didn't realize in therapy, my therapist shared with me, even just who I've chosen to be my friends, which kind of goes back to something you said before, I don't feel like I lacked anything. Because God would not put me on this earth for me to lack things that I need to fulfill my purpose. It was just put in different places, whether it's friendships or a coworker or this or that, but all of my really close friends have really solid families. Not that y'all families are

perfect or you didn't have anything that you were going through as a family, but as the unit from what I saw, that's what I yearned for, and all of my friendships had that. And I never realized that until what I yearned for, and all of my friendships had that. And I never realized that until I looked back like, wow, so when I was coming over for family dinners, like that meant a lot to me, because we didn't get that in my home. You know, stuff like that,

that I was just subconsciously doing, and you all have been in my life for so many years, it's like I didn't lack anything. I just, not know one thing should be your source of everything is what I'm learning. Wow, no one thing should be your source for everything. You better preach the word for it. Besides God, I mean, but as man, you know,

and it goes back to even wholeness of that chapter in the book that I've probably read four times, but two halves don't make a hole in it and it doesn't. And how many times do you hear people say you complete me? You know, or, or, you know, this friendship is my everything. It's like just putting just false, you know, it'll leave you disappointed every time. So me finding happiness in myself, piece in myself, all these are

such big values in my life now because I know I'm not going to find it in anyone else if I can't find it in myself. I have a question for you and you can keep it 100 with me. Are you a pre-pandemic chef or a pandemic chef? You know pre-pandemic meals were meals rarely fancy, but they did what needed to be done. Oh, but then there are the pandemic meals. Child, they kind of fancy and social media picture perfect. Pay any recipe with caraway's non-toxic cookware and bakeware and cis.

You've got yourself a full-blown masterpiece before you ever turn the stove on. Whether I'm teaching one of my children in age-old family recipe or trying something new that I found online, I know that I can trust Caraway's chemical-free ceramic coating to keep my family's food healthy during each use. I had the cream set but there are a variety of colors you can choose from because it needs to match the kitchen. Simply visit carawayhome.com slash evolve to take advantage of this limited time offer for 10% off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners so visit carawayhome.com slash

evolve or use code evolve at checkout caraway non-toxic cookware made modern. So it evolved at checkout. Caraway non-toxic cookware made modern. So what I hear you saying when you even talked about growing up and performance, not being something that was celebrated and how it basically made you minimize your own successes and achievements, I feel like you're saying like I used to value performance, I used to value success, but now I value like blank. What is that blank? Is it authenticity? What is it? Vulnerability, authenticity, just coming to whatever relationship as myself just coming to whatever relationship as myself

and getting genuine love just being me and not having to feel like, oh, in the corporate space, I have to, you know, excel at such a high level to be recognized as the black woman in the room or in my household, I have to not only make straight-As, but there has to be some extra note from the teacher for my parents to look at me like, Oh, this was good for this six weeks or going into this friendship and feeling like it had to be this. And it's like, now I'm just at a point in my life right? Yes, I value authenticity. I value just showing up as I am realizing that I'm not exactly everywhere God has called me to be or I still wouldn't be on this earth but really just intentionally striving for that every day. But making mistakes and friendships, not always having the perfect thing to say be okay with

being able to connect with my emotions and talk through them, have conflict and friendships, not always agree with everything or be a yes person. Be who I am and whoever's going to love me is going to love me and whoever's not, isn't. And that has been like a very interesting season in my life right now because people either love it or they don't. I was going to ask you like, what's the hardest part about that? Having boundaries. Having boundaries, I've realized 100% that the people that have issues with them are the ones that benefit it from. Wow. Yeah. And that's as simple as that. If I can't make it, I can't make it and it doesn't have to be this long paragraph that I used to explain why I can't make it. Or it's okay to change your mind. I wanted to go last month, but I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna go today. And I was sent a gift, you know? Or I just don't wanna talk through that right now or I'm going through so much right now that I'm gonna pray for you. Or the feelings will has changed my mind. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about the feelings will.

The feelings will. has changed my mind. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about the feelings we'll feel. And then not assuming what people need from you in relationships and just asking, you're so good at that. And and I've adapted that into just my language as a leader and just how I move in the world. Sometimes just because I would assume what I think people needed for me, you know, sometimes it's just asking, what can I do for you? How can I show up for you? And sometimes it's just as simple as praying. And I'm already about to go do all this other stuff and, you know, overextend myself.

And that's not even what you want. You know, so yeah, I love it here. I love it. You know, I was going to ask, can you give me like a practical example of a time where you like chose to allow your new values to show up instead of the old way that you showed up. And like in that moment, what were some of the feelings that you felt and then like how did you finally come to a place of peace?

Because I feel like when you finally show up authentically, when you're telling the person, yeah, I know I said I could go last week, but this week has been a heavier than I thought and I'm not gonna be able to come, or I've changed my number, I can't show up for you in that capacity any longer. This is the last time I'm gonna be able to do that.

When you begin to own your truth to own those new set of values that have been deposited in your spirit through your connection with God therapy, whatever. I really feel like it gives permission to other people to do the same because there have been plenty of times where someone has told me something and I've been like dang, if she could do it, maybe I can do it too instead of just passive aggressively showing up. And so I want to know like in detail and practice what has this look like for you and what did you have to navigate in the moment because there are some people who are like I tried to

do it but then I felt bad or they put a guilt trip on me so I ended up doing it anyway. Like what were those feelings? Let's help people see that they're not alone and then what where do you land? Where do you settle after those moments? Well the first example I'm going to give is a corporate example, because I know there's so many people out there that can relate, especially as a black woman in corporate, you always want to show up and give your best. And there's oftentimes the plate is overflowing with anytime you're asked to do something. It's yes, yes, yes, because if I say no, that means I'm not competent or that means I can't handle the pressure if I get the promotion.

So working through it corporately is different than how I do it personally. So corporately, before I got the position that I was in, I was a frontline manager. And then the next step up was director. And as a result, to see if you're ready for those types of roles, your directors always asking you to do their type of work just to see if you can tangibly do it. And there would be times where my work-life balance would get all out of whack.

I didn't even have time to do my own job or be there for my own team because I'm trying to impress, perform, and show people that I can do this job and please consider me, please pick me once that time comes available, but as I started working through the therapy, and it was really during the pandemic, we were all struggling. And there was a time where I said, Courtney, if you don't weigh this white flag and say, no, then you're gonna break.

And something else is gonna fall. So I just had to have a conversation with my leader and say, I'm not gonna be able to do this. And it was the hardest thing ever. And I was probably in my head afterwards because I didn't get asked to do the next couple of assignments that normally I know would have went to me. So then I kind of felt like I'm not going to get the promotion. Now they think I can't handle stuff, but I had to be okay

with that. And I had to understand that I have shown up at this company for 10 years. I have so many countless examples of where I have done this task. This is just a new task and a new way to show that I've done what I've done before. But my mental health, my anxiety at the time, I was going to give a piece of myself at like what PT said with balance. I'm going to give you a piece of myself which really is it who I am as a leader, who I am as a person, just to perform this task and check a box. And at the end of the day, that leader at the time, I don't think understood it at first. So I took the time and circled back and I said, hey, which was hard for me to do. I said,

I've noticed the last couple of times you needed some things completed, you would normally ask me, and you ask other people, and I'm happy that my peers are getting that opportunity. But I just wanna let you know that I still have the capabilities to do those as long as it aligns with my capacity. And when I said that, I felt free. And then the task started coming

and then even in the way that they started asking me was different. Now, what was it that I can do? Now, it's like, hey, Courtney, do you have the capacity to do this or I'm out in a week? You know, is this something that you can fit it even just the way they were responding to me? I'm like, wow, I should I said this a long time ago. So that's the corporate one. And then personally, I was asked to go to an event at a town. I was extremely exhausted, extremely tired.

The event only lasted two hours, but I was gonna drive four hours to get there and do a turnaround. I've done this before. And I've done it a lot. I've been the one tired pulling over on the side of the road, getting a hotel, just to show up for a baby shower or a birthday party or something like that. And I just told this individual, I'm not going to be able to make it. I don't

even say why. And this person just said, no problem. Yeah. So it's just like, wow, some of the pressure that I likely put on myself was my own added pressure. And I think sometimes we do that to ourselves. And so if you're not authentically showing up as who you are, other people can't give you that either. So it's kind of like I've had to take some accountability and being a people, please or two, because I don't even know if that's what they wanted. So then I have this resentment, yeah, driving down the road for hours. And I could have said no. You know, so just giving a people to authentically respond is important.

I love that. I love that the person was like, no because that is like it's no problem. I was like, oh my gosh, I was so worried about this. And she said, no problem. See you later. Hope you have a good weekend. Oh, okay. What I know all responses won't be like that, but that just showed me that you have cultivated in this healing journey that makes you most proud? That God had intention and purpose with me, you know, for me to be here.

I'm not a mistake. Like, there's a vessel for me to be here, but God intended for me to be here. And that's something that I've wrestled with for a long time. that I've wrestled with for a long time. And that gives me so much peace and joy knowing that I'm not a mistake that he has purpose in me, whether it's telling my story like this, there's so many people that didn't have both of their parents or were an emotionally abusive relationships and sometimes it just makes you question

your worth. If you feel like your own parents don't value you, it's hard to get it from somewhere else. You know what I mean? So to know that God had intention and purpose for Courtney Mason has just been just so rewarding. And I do believe that now. I have not always, but I do believe it. I have not always, but I do believe it. All right, suck it up. Okay, because that's not what we hear for. Thank you for having me. Okay, suck it up.

Could you not gonna drag me down with you? That's what you thought. You know, I'm not going with you. Okay, so I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too I want to hear your story. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. You can send me your Application your video to be a co-host to podcast at woman evolve calm Let me know what it is you want to talk about. Why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you like, girl, I am not going to be on anybody's podcast.

I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question. Podcasts at womanevolve.com. Okay, let's get back to the podcast. I'm proud of you though. I'm proud of the work that you've done. I mean, you know, I've watched the movie

and I've seen you take back your value and to take back your purpose and to find joy along the way and to deposit it in the other women around you as well. I see the way you pour into your nieces and not just your biological nieces even into my kids

and to really take seriously your opportunity to share your scars and hope that another person can heal, I see it. And so I'm grateful that you get to see your own fruit because there's nothing like being, I wonder, this is such a weird analogy, but if a tree is fruitful, the tree may never know it because the tree is just the tree.

And sometimes in order to see fruit, you have to be on the outside looking in. The tree is just doing the best that it can. But I'm telling you, friends, you are a very fruitful tree. Thank you. Okay, we have an advice question to answer. Okay. It's about relationships, about a marriage, but I want to hear your perspective. I know a lot of times we try to minimize someone's

value in our life because they may not have the same experiences. Like, don't take marriage advice from your single friends. Don't take a single advice from your married friends or parenting advice from people that are children, but we're all a wealth of experiences and knowledge. And so I want you to add value to us by giving your perspective on this question. And of course, I will too. So it says, I'm going to shoot my shot and send in an advice question.

Now, it's not a huge and dramatic issue because it's common amongst us women, but it's seemingly hard to get a grip. So I'm 29, a mother of three, and a wife. We are in our third year of marriage. When they say your first five years You are learning and unlearning things about yourself and each other. They wasn't lying to make all this short But deep my husband is requesting a wife full a wife full of life and sexy Given suggestions on how I need to be into myself more, do heels and makeup.

Get your nails done. Go out with the girls. Go be a woman. I've seen you as an athlete, a strong working woman and independent. Show me how you flaunt your joy as a beautiful woman. I don't know where it went for me and I just want to know this step so I can get that. I feel every time I watch you at ShR, I am like an all your spiritual posture, your authenticity, your humor and honest, when talking to the delegation. I feel like I can't get out of that grave. I just feel like I need a 24 hour life coach.

Thank you for this opportunity to just shoot the shot in the email because I have full faith to do so. Love you and everyone that's a part of the woman evolve movement. So you could get off court. the woman evolved movement. So you kick it off court. So I think this to me goes back to regards of what role you play in someone's life,

whether it's wife, mother, coworker, friend. It starts with prioritizing and valuing yourself and not that this individual doesn't, but I think that whether it's therapy, whether it's joint therapy with her husband or separately so she can kind of uncover some of the things that she's going through, it's going to definitely help her show up as a better mother because in hindsight, with me doing a lot of my internal work and having graced for my mother and father with how they raised

me, they were dealing with a lot of traumas within their relationship with how she was raised, but then they were trying to show up every day in parent. And I can only imagine what that is like or showing up and being a wife, coming home from work and making sure, trying to act like everything is perfect when it's not. So I would recommend that this individual start with some type of healing mentally and therapy and talking to someone outside of her home just to get a better understanding of her feelings and then maybe connecting that with her husband as well to see what, you know, making sure his needs are met while hers are as well and her boundaries.

But doing the work is very important because generational trauma is real. And she just wants to show up and be the best version of herself for her children because those deposits that she puts in her home daily, whether they're sad, they're being observed, and they will ultimately have a lasting impact on them as well. I love that.

And I think that you even speaking about the dynamic of the children being in this household is making me wonder whether or not the marriage example that you guys are setting right now is one that you want to be able to stick by it. Not because you aren't going out and flaunting yourself, but because I think there's an underlying issue that if not dealt with can continue to create division within your home because what I hear your husband saying is like,

I want you to be a different version of who you are. I want to see you be maybe someone you once were or someone you have never been. And I think then you have the task of being able to ask yourself like, is he asking for a version of myself that I can't deliver anymore? Like when we were young, sexy and full of life, like, I wasn't up it with the baby

at 3 o'clock in the morning. Like, I was doing that because when I went home, I had time to focus on myself. So when I went out, I did get to have fun. I wasn't barely making it and didn't have any energy. And a lot of times in marriage, we have these changes in transformation and what we end up longing for is a life that we no longer have access to because we have an expansion of our responsibilities.

And so I would qualify what your husband is saying, but also acknowledge that there is a sense of rejection connected to that because instead you want to respond and fix it, but there's got to be a part of you that also feels a little bit rejected because he's basically saying who you are showing up as now is not enough or it could be more. And that's a really toxic ingredient to have in your marriage show early on. And it's one that in those first five years they become evident, right? It's not abnormal to have these things come up. But if you don't acknowledge the rejection, if you don't acknowledge his discontentment with whatever's happening in your marriage dynamic, then it's only going to breed and offshoot into other areas. And so I definitely agree with what Courtney said about seeing about your own sense of counseling. And my missing that version of me, did she ever exist? Is it just not who I am and he's asking for something I can't give? How

do we reset expectations so that we can place the value on what's most important in our marriage, it's going to be part of your task and your journey. But I think that you got to not just hear what he's saying, but really acknowledge how what he says makes you feel and whether or not it is realistic in the context of your marriage. Maybe you can be full of life in 61 some month. I can't do it every day, but I can do it once a month. And that will be authentic to what I'm capable of doing. And so I think the other thing that I would say is that you guys are still, you know, you're young in your marriage. A mother of three and a wife in your third year of marriage,

full of life in sexy way or how explaining to me could never. You're 29, a mother of three and a wife. Who was full of life in sexy? No, by the, if they are, then they're sleeping 10 hours a night. The nanny is there when the kids wake up in the morning. You don't have to deal with their emotions. Like you have time to only focus on you. And even then you might still be. You don't have a job.

You don't have responsibilities. Like my guy is asking for a dream of fantasy. And you can be his fantasy, but it may just be, you know, on vacation, temporary moments. Tell him, take me on vacation. You really want to see me get sexy. Take these kids and give them a bath, put some lotion on them, make some dinner, do some laundry,

follow some clothes. I get real sexy if that happens. But you know what, who am I? Nobody. Talk to a professional because I can't do it. I'm not the one. I've been done, had you down the road. Listen to Courtney, just erase everything I said.

This was great, Cora. I love you so much. I'm so proud of the woman you are in the work that you're doing. Is there anything that you want to say, like as we close up for women who strongly relate to, I think especially what you said about feeling like your life is intentional, that it wasn't a mistake. And I just, I don't want to graze over that because there felt like there was such a weight connected to that. And the only person who can deliver another person from that is someone who was experienced

that deliverance. So, I guess before we close out, can you help me restore the value of another woman's life by sharing whatever words of encouragement God gives you? Yes. So, the biggest words of encouragement for anyone that's going through what I've gone through is, it's never too late. As cliche is that may sound whether you decide in this exact moment to do the work or if you decide today that you want to forgive yourself and be a better version of yourself

and prioritize yourself, it's never too late. And to me, that was just so rewarding to finally understand that, that it's not too late, that it's daily deposits. You're not going to get to the finish line tomorrow. But it's all about those intentional daily deposits, the way you affirm yourself, what is on your heart and your mind when you wake up? What do you say when yourself, when you look in the mirror? What do you say to yourself when someone crosses a boundary? How do you respond?

You have to teach people how to love you, but you have to first love and value yourself. And that starts in your home, that starts in your mind, it starts with your tongue, it starts with what patterns you have, but it's never too late. And that was very promising for me. Don't think about long term. Tomorrow's not promised. We're all in this life. We all have a life that's predestined for us and and only God knows that. So it's starting with intention and it's not procrastinating. It's it's starting now whether it's journaling, whether it's doing the work with therapy,

whether it's making sure you really are connecting with God. whether it's doing the work with therapy, whether it's making sure you're really connecting with God. But to me, I feel like I cannot show up in this world in any other role that God has called me to do if I don't start with myself. That's so good. Okay. I love you so much.

Thank you for sharing your heart in your story. I love you too. Thank you. I tried to tell you, am I the only one who had to like really suppress their emotions and not get into the feelings wheel when she started talking about her life having value? I didn't want to go all the way because I know that I'd probably still be snotted up But I hope that you heard that I hope that you heard that. I hope that you receive that testimony for your own life. If this episode blessed you, let us know on the socials. Okay, if it makes you feel led to be my next co-host, we'll go on. Let the

Lord use you. Or maybe there's an advice question you want us to answer. Hit my inbox podcast at woman evolved.com with a one to two minute video about being my next co-host or your advice question. Best of luck and much love and grace to those of you on the journey of resetting your values. You're not alone. you