Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Second Chance Grace w/ LaToya Ferguson

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Chile, ain’t nothing “regular” about our co-host in today’s episode! LaToya Ferguson is a woman of grace who has relentlessly pursued her future with hope and intentionality. She shared with SJR that losing her mom as an adolescent and not knowing her dad until adulthood proved every day of her life to be a second chance! Sis, did you know that going back to acknowledge a memory or experience can allow you to access healing? This week, listeners will learn how to release their fear and live, navigate motherhood with mother wounds, plus, sustain a faith of generational legacy! As a loyal listener, you can get 25% off the Abide app by texting promo code EVOLVE to 22433. Tell ‘em W.E. sent you!

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you can care yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a unique boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Child. You know, one of those things that I feel like we always desire the most, especially after life has not gone the way that we anticipated is a second chance. But the truth is that second chances are hard. We're like, God, please give me a second chance at love. Please give me a second chance with these children. Give me a second chance at that job. And then there are moments where we are standing right smack,

smack dab in the middle of a second chance and we're paralyzed because the memories of what happened before take away from the momentum of what's possible for now. Second chances can be tricky, second chances can be hard, but when we find a way to love those second chances, it changes everything. I've been sharing a lot about this second chance that I've had in living in Dallas. And this second chance started off shaky. It was a little rocky.

All of the trauma came up, but the more that I leaned into the second chance started off shaky. It was a little rocky. All of the trauma came up. But the more that I leaned into the second chance, I realized that there was so much beauty, strength, and an opportunity to be resilient in this second chance. And so I've been leaning into that a lot this season, and I am hoping that you're in a position where you're ready to do the same. We've still got some of those new year excitement jitters in our stomach where we're thinking

about the possibilities of what could become and it's making us well hopeful. And my prayer is that when this podcast is finished that you're going to find a way to love those second chances. Not be afraid of them, not talk yourself out of them, but loving the opportunity to try again because you've recognized that you don't have to be defined by what happened last time. I feel like Latoya purely embodies what it means to find love in a second chance. And I know that for many of us we would hear her story and think to ourselves, well, I don't know how she didn't. But I think there's something really inspiring and powerful about a woman who has experienced lost, grief, heartbreak set back saying, I'm still hopeful about tomorrow because I recognize

that greater is yet coming. Not only has she embodied having a second chance, she is waiting with anticipation about what's possible next. And I have a feeling when this podcast is over and that you're gonna have that same anticipation about what can happen next. So are you ready? Your second chance is about to start now.

Hello there. Hi, how are you? I'm doing great, how are you? I am doing well. What made you want to sign up to be a co-host? Well, I listened to you all the time. Honestly, I was not sure that you would pick regular, someone regular, like me.

But you did, and I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. So I'm glad that you did and I definitely believe everything happens for a reason. So I'm glad that you did. I know enough about your story to know that there's nothing regular about you. So nice try. Well, you appreciate it. I know enough about the beat and then curls to also know there's nothing regular about her. But nice.

It's the humility for me. You come in low and then we'll see. I understand. How are you? I'm doing well. I come in low and then we'll see. I understand. How are you? I'm doing well. I am doing well. I hope you are.

I am too. OK, so I have a question for you, Latoya. When was the last time you dissent for the first time, huh, Drake? No, when is the last time you got a second chance? I would say I would consider every day of my life a second. You know, I went through things very early on in life and we all have stories. My story is a little different. I am sure there are people out there who have went through similar things.

But I've always had hope. That's why I was so intrigued by the theme that you have for the year. I've always been hopeful of Better I've always wanted more regardless of the circumstances of the things that was happening around me Wow, okay, so you have to tell us your story that was too much of a preview. We want that we want to do what is mind your business Man, I don't know where to start. I can say honestly that my life took a drastic turn when I was 14. My mother passed away unexpectedly when I was 14. And now where I am kind of jumping to now in the healing phase of going back to my childhood, going back to when I was 14 when my life changed, that changed that's where I decided

to start. I didn't really feel like I got to experience the childhood that most people experienced. But the second chance that I have in that is, I'm a mother of f**k. So I can give my children everything that it is that I felt like that I didn't have. And I can live those experiences with my children. Okay, so what I love about what you just said is that

you're at an age now that you're going back to what you experience at 14. I think people really underestimate your ability to have a second chance on a memory or experience that has already played out. If God doesn't live in the realm of time then we don't have to live in the realm of time either. That means that as much as I am present in this moment, that there's also a version of me that's still present in 2002 and 2003 and 1980, wherever your journey began, which means that you can go back in time

and acknowledge that pain that's filling your body, the trauma, the thoughts, the fruit that was produced as a result of those thoughts. Absolutely. So you have to tell me when you look back at your second chance at 14, what are you learning about yourself that you didn't realize until this moment?

I have a completely different perception now that I am in healing for so long. I'm not gonna say bitter, but I was angry. I was angry that those things happen to me like God, why me? And the first time that I actually ever heard the voice of God talk to me was when I exit question, I'm a crab baby. So I spent a lot of days and a lot of nights crying. And you know, I was just crying out to God, like God, why me? And he said, why not you? You know, and I'm grateful for the experiences that I was able to overcome. I definitely want to be able to help other women to overcome.

My father, I did not know my father at the time of my mother's passing. I met my father when I was 21 years old and I went and found him. And that also, you know, I was angry about that. Like, okay, well, my mother is gone and my other parent like where are you? You know, and I oftentimes wonder still now if I would have never went to try to find my father, would he have ever tried to come and find me? I found him at the end of the day and he passed away in 2020. So I got to experience 12 wonderful years with my father. So I'm thankful for that. And what that taught me, what that actually kind of ties into the death of my mother is,

you can't hold on to things. Holding on to things that take so much out of you, it takes time and you never know when your last time with someone is going to be. We never know how much time that we have left on this earth. And so that has pretty much taught me to do everything with intention from my business. I'm a business owner to my relationship with my children, to my friendship, to the time with my family, I am doing everything at this point in my life

with intention wholeheartedly. That's so strong. I was listening to a podcast by Brane Brown, and there was a woman on there. I think she wrote the book Quiet, but she wasn't talking about that book, but it was about grief and sorrow. And ultimately, she was talking about

when she raises her children and may seem morbid, but she always thinks about what if they died at this age, like what if they died? And it has taught her, instead of it being one of those things, for people like, oh gosh, I can't even imagine, but to imagine that. And what would you have wanted to say, and how would you have wanted to respond?

And it shows up in my parenting when I least expected and least desire it. It'd be so much easier to snap. It'd be so much easier to be like, go somewhere or to be frustrated and annoyed. But I often think about that. Like, what if this time in my life is short? What if I'm not here?

What if she's not here? What if he's not there? What would I have wanted him to be left with? And it sounds like you learned that, do you think you learned that in hindsight or you learned it as a result of just your mom and general? I've definitely learned that as a result of my mom and general, it's funny that you say that because something that I am currently

still working on is that anxiety of the fear of death. You know, and one thing I can't say is the stronger that my relationship gets with God, the less of that fear of dying, because when I leave this earth, I know where I'm going. And while I'm here, again, it goes back to intention. My intention is to instill in my children everything that I can to make sure that when I do leave this earth, they know that one, their mother loved them and two, that they are being good to other people. I have that fear too. I think because when I got pregnant, they were like, you know, there's a possibility

you could die. I was so young. And I think that I have always lived with this. I did like you could die early, you could die, you could die. And it's, it was tormenting, but I think it is becoming, becoming, it's turning into something that I think think makes me more present in my life. Absolutely.

And more honest with the people I'm in relationship with, I saw a friend who was sharing about death and how, like, it's this thing that we, it's a guarantee, like, no one escapes it. Absolutely. And yet, it is still the most traumatic experience because how do you even wrap your mind around someone who was a present and a constant in your life no longer being there? No matter how much you knew it was gonna happen,

like whether it would have been now or when they were older, it just seems so unfair. So I'm definitely trying to come to terms with the reality that everyone has a time and to not live in fear, but rather live in detention. Absolutely. And something that I actually learned in therapy is if we have this fear, fear consumes you. It takes over you. And if we have this fear of dying, how can we ever possibly live?

You can't fully live to your full potential if you're so scared of constantly dying. And again, my mother's death was unexpected. She dealt with high blood pressure, but that's it. You know? Yeah. So it was very unexpected. Well, OK, so I have a couple questions I want to ask you. I think about that because I feel like mother wounds, whether it's

because a mother was present, but hurtful or one that you experienced because life happens suddenly and she was no longer there. It's something that we don't spend a lot of time talking about. one that you experienced because life happens suddenly and she was no longer there. It's something that we don't spend a lot of time talking about. And I am just wondering at 14, which is such a pivotal aid for development and womanhood, how did that shape your view of self and your view of womanhood. I would say I'm 35 now and I can honestly say that I am just down really taking myself into consideration.

My oldest son is 18. I got pregnant with him at 16. I had him at 17. So it was a process for me of going right from grieving the death of my mother to actually becoming a mother. But what I can say, I've got from that situation of becoming a mother so early on,

I need it that love. I need it that unconditional love from my son because we all have our own different definition of what love is, but I can honestly say that I did not know what a healthy love was. My mom loved me. She loved my sister and my brother absolutely, but my mom was also dealing with, you know, things from her own life.

She was a great mother. But looking back, you know, I remember, I used to see my mom stressing and cry a lot. Same thing that, you know, I deal with and I make it a vow to myself to not let my kids see me going through those stressful moments because I know how it impacted me. And I know I think back on that like, man, I wish there was something I could have did. Even though I was a child on that like man, I wish there was something I could have did even though I was a child myself, you know, I wish there was somebody wants to see anybody they care about whether it's your mother, your father, your grandmother, it hurts you to see someone you love hurting. So I'm very question for you. Do you think that

there's something to be said about normalizing it by allowing them to see it? I'm asking this really mother to mother because I wonder, I don't know, my parents were both raised in domestically abusive homes. And so one of the things that they vowed to do was like never fight, never fight. In front of us, never fight in general.

And so I think that my ability to trust that there can be love and conflict resolution was kind of altered or there is a resolution that takes you into a deeper relationship that was altered because of them. So anytime my husband and I would have a disagreement, I'm like, is this gonna be it? Is this gonna be the end? Because I didn't, I didn't get to see it though

I know what was happening. So I just wondered, what do you think about that perspective? What, tell me, you kind of said a lot. Well, you mean, exactly what the, you're saying that you make it a point to not let your kids see those stressful moments because it's what you saw with your mom. But do you think that there's a possibility that there could be a healthy balance of it? I definitely, for sure. I do not want my children to shut down their emotions. I do not want to teach them that that is the thing to do. But when I said that, that was more so of my impact on how it would affect the mental of my children now. I don't want my children to worry about me worrying if that makes anything.

But I definitely want my children to know that it's OK to have those moments of vulnerability. If you feel like you need to cry, cry it out. My last relationship, it was pretty bad emotionally. I went through depression and I've lost both of my parents and I don't even think that's what sent me into depression. My two youngest children are three and four at their 13 months apart. And so I was diagnosed with depression when I was pregnant with my four-year-old, four months after I got pregnant with my three-year-old so that depression carried over into that.

And then it was a whole year and a half of really bad postpartum. And I feel really guilty about my children seeing me crying every single day. I'm going into the room, I'm shutting the door, I'm of course making sure my children are okay. But that is what I do not want them to see. And they've seen it. And a part of my healing was having to go back and explain to them that I'm sorry

that you had to endure that. It was nothing that you did because they're children. They don't know what we're crying about. They don't know if it's something that they did, or something someone else did. So not only am I in therapy, but my children are in therapy. I have a daughter that's 14, the same age that I was when my mother passed away.

And it, again, me experiencing these things at that age and the things that I feel like I was not getting at that age because my mother was not here, I'm able to make sure that I am given that to my daughter. Oh, that's so good. What are some of the things that you're giving her? My daughter's 13, she's going to be 14. So she's that same age of, we have to pause? Okay. No. Now we go and eat. I don't know. She's put that pot.

I am. Don't know. China. I keep my work close. I'm not going to have to bother. China. I'll take that kid. I'll take that kid. China Okay, what's that? Yes. What's up? So, my daughter is 13, turning 14, the same age that I was when I got pregnant and then had my kid.

And it is something to see both the innocence and the adventure that exists in her spirit. I think it's made me more compassionate with myself because I realized I think 13 obviously is a young age. But I had computed it in my mind like it was like five years old. At 13, like herner class, the room, like the music has suggested things in it. The conversations in the classroom are about sex. So it's not like I just stumbled out of nowhere. Like it was a part of the culture and the ecosystem of being an adolescent at that age. And so

it's helped me to be more compassionate about myself and my own journey. So I'm curious what you are giving your daughter at 14 that you didn't have the opportunity to receive but get a second chance through her. I'm definitely showing her as much love as possible. I do not feel like when my mother passed away, we went to say with my aunt. It was a little back and forth between my aunt and my sister. And I do not feel like they did not show me love, but I do realize that they only showed the love to the level that they knew themselves. I make sure to show her love.

You have social media. We did not have all of that when I was 14. You know, all these different influences. I'm definitely teaching her to be herself and to not feel like she has to fit in with the crowd, to be authentic and to be genuine. And I'm definitely teaching her to not be reactive to others' behaviors because at the end of the day, we are judged for our actions,

not for those of what the people around us are doing. Oh, that is so good. I feel like those are lessons that we're learning in womanhood. Absolutely. Well, absolutely. You know, but laying that foundation at such an early age is so, so important. So you've been a mom, most more of your life than the time that you had the opportunity to

have your mom in your life. Did you have, how did you navigate, I guess, becoming a mom without your mom in your life. Did you have, how did you navigate, I guess, becoming a mom without your mom? What was the mentality that you had in order to prepare for that? Well, I would say it was definitely unexpected at 17. But again, the love, I was scared my pregnancy, my entire pregnancy, because I was still a teenager myself.

I was still a child myself. But once I have my son and the feeling, I always talk about this to people, the feeling of I have this whole human, where no matter what I do, he loves me regardless. There is nothing that I can do to make this child not love me. You know, I definitely feel like I'm not going to say my childhood was taken away from me at 14, but I feel like it definitely made me mature a lot faster. And even with that with not even just my 14 year old with all of my children, you know, there are certain things like I may say, hey, you know, clean up those toys off the floor. Why would you

leave those toys on the floor? Because I had to take on those responsibilities so early on. It's like, hey, they're children. You have to let them be children. They don't have to be in the moment to where they have to be the adult. That helps me, that has helped me tremendously with patience. It's so funny. I pray to God for patience. He definitely showed it. he definitely for sure. He's my hero girl. So, learn patients, he definitely forced me but I love motherhood. I love the fact that I have a big family.

You know, it's not really ideal that I am in the household with the children by myself. But I feel like even the time of isolation where it's just me and my children, it's me getting to know me, the adult version of me, the healing version of me, and my children as well. All right, so real fast, who in the delegation is down for guided meditation? Don't worry, I'll wait. With my life enduring a series of transitions, I've been using the Abide app to increase

self-awareness and be in the present moment. Abide is the number one Christian meditation app with features that encourage regular, relevant and transformative connection with Jesus Christ. Given our woman evolved theme for this year is Hope, I recently listened to a guided meditation title, Hope Field Living, with Romans 15, 13 in mind. I was able to rest in the truth of what God said about me. A bi-d Bible meditation prayer is an immersive experience that has not only

deepened my spiritual health but serves as a tool to practice mindfulness in my everyday life. Since, with meditation content for spiritual growth, healing, guidance, and purpose, this wellness app can do the same for you. Download the Abide app today and find peace amidst the chaos. Right now I have a special offer when you subscribe. 25% off your first year when you sign up for the premium subscription, but only if you text my promo code evolved to 22433. Don't wait. Download a by, sleep, and pray meditation today and text my promo codeolve to 22433 today to get 25% off. I think that it may not be the white pick offense that we're all sold and told, but I think it is the opportunity that you have to be healed and

whole in front of them. There are many way more challenging things than being a single mother at home with your children because you could be a married woman in a relationship where you're constantly being torn down or broken down or be a single mother but not present for the kids and I think that God honors the positioning of our heart and he understands with compassion the lens that single mother but not present for the kids. And I think that God honors the positioning of our heart and he understands with compassion the lens that led us to whatever our path is right now. And I think that as we continue to invite God into whatever our space is that will realize that we weren't ever fully in something completely on our own. I wonder,

Latoya, like what is one of the things that you are most proud of? When you think about all of the things that you have experienced, the traumas, the heart breaks, the disappointments, what are you most proud of that you have accomplished? Not just external, though it could be an external thing, but about who you are as a person, too. I am most proud of, I can can honestly say even though I am still doing work on myself today, the person that I am today. So many people may let them their circumstances get the best of them and it's really really easy for us to bask in the well this happened to me and it's easy to start feeling sorry for yourself, but I have

always had the motto of keep going. I've always been hopeful of better and I've always knew that every ounce of pain that I've had was for a purpose. And so I would definitely have to say that I am just proud that I am who I am. Mother of five, a business owner, you know, and I'm not walking around bitter or hateful. I'm still hopeful if anything. You know, for me, the best is yet to come. That's for sure.

What do you think is the connection between hope and grace? So, that's a great question. The connection between hope and grace. Let's see how can I explain this? I'm sorry. Let's see how can I explain this. I'm sorry. Go for it. I have to talk about it. Wherever you go, I'm going with you. We'll be fine. I would say when I refer to hope, I would look at, I would define hope as the expectation of something. Grace would be like the ability to have a second chance. Yeah, that's how it correlate the two. I feel like what I hear you saying is that hope is the expectation and grace is the reality that I don't even have to deserve the thing that I'm hoping for, that it doesn't have to be something that I earn, it doesn't have to be something that I am, quote unquote, unworthy or qualified for,

because through relationship with God, I have the opportunity to hope for things in grace that I didn't have access to. And I think that one of the things that makes your story so powerful, when you talk about remaining hopeful in spite of everything that you've gone through, for me, the reason why I ask you that question

is because I just see so much grace connected to your life, how you didn't necessarily have the upbringing that you had with your mom being present with you even now. But yet there was a grace for you to become a mother, a grace for you to receive love. And I think part of the reason why we're able to stay hopeful is when we really recognize the grace. One of your superpowers, your strength, Latoya, is that you're able to stay hopeful is when we really recognize the grace one of your superpowers, your strength Latoya is that you're able to see the hope

regardless of what's happening. And I think that that's a grace. And I can imagine that you're able to make that contagious amongst your friends and your community. They probably receive hope even after being connected to you. Absolutely, absolutely. And I can definitely say that what I guess I could have worded that different with with the way that you said grace the way that

you define it for me that's faith. So again, with hope, I have the expectations, but when I have the faith, that's basically my belief that I know there's better, you know, again, like I said, I know there's greater, I know there I said, I know there's greater. I know there's more. I know this is not where my story ends. I know this is not all that, I am going to be. I'm not my traumas. And I say that all the time and people ask me, like, I don't know how you do it.

Even outside of the things that I dealt with with, with my parents and in relationships, just being a mother of, I like, I don't know how you do it. You know even outside of the things that I dealt with with with my parents and in relationships just being a mother of like I don't know how you have to face just to do it and you know sometimes I would say I don't know how I do it either but I get up every morning and I do it. Yeah okay so when you consider all that you do and the many things that you have working in your life right now. I am wondering what is giving you hope, what is making you excited, what project or opportunity is making you excited about what's to come.

I am definitely excited. I am a realtor. I've been a realtor for the last two years and this past year at the end of 2022, I opened my own company. I am super excited for that. And it ties hand in hand and what makes it, I love real estate. Let me just say that I absolutely love real estate and I do other things as well, but my bread and butter comes from real estate. And I get to, that's another thing that I get to experience with my children. My son, he is into photography and videography. And we are going to team up and he's going to be able to do the real estate photo.

So, you know, not only am I living my dream and the career that I've always dreamed of, but I get to include my children. So I am just hopeful for, I know that we are going to do, you know, great things together. You know, just the level of peace that I have now, because for so long, I did not have that. I couldn't even really tell you what it was. And so, you know, I'm at a point in my life to where I just pretty much had a surrender to God and stop trying to control the narrative of things and people around me. And life is so much easier when you just surrender because the definition of that for me is I'll be okay if it happens, I'll be okay if it doesn't happen because I know at the end of the day it's not my understanding.

God has a plan and what's meant to happen is going to happen. Tell me about your journey with faith because I think people are going to listen to this and think to themselves like, I need that type of faith. I'm going through a difficult season. I've experienced grief. You said, I don't want to use the word bitter earlier. Somebody's like, I am using the word bitter. That is my testimony. That is my truth. How has your faith developed? Like, did you grow up in a family where faith was prevalent? Did you have your own personal encounter? Absolutely. Tell me about it. So back to my mother, the memories that I do have of her, my mother, she had undeniable faith. Again, she was experiencing so many things. And even just looking back on her pictures, I can't, I'm not a doctor. So I can't say she was depressed, but I know that she was

dealing with, you know, a lot of depression, but I always, always seen my mother pray. My mom was one of the type of women that would anoint the windows and the top of the doors and the house, you know what I mean? And even when I would see her stretching out or see her crying, I always seen her praying to God. You know, I always seen her have that faith that better was to come. You know, she just always had that faith. And I'm like, okay. And you know, and it wasn't until I was put in certain situations.

I've experienced getting evicted. You know, I've experienced not knowing how a bill was going to get paid and it getting paid at the last minute. I was put in situations where I absolutely could not deny, not have in faith. You know? Wow. Mm-hmm. It seems like you, well, I think it's, you it's probably goes past even your mom, but generational trauma

was one part of it. But there was also generational legacy. And maybe we spend so much time thinking about the generational trauma that we don't have an opportunity to really take witness of the generation of legacy. Because your faith and your hopefulness was something that you saw, you saw our crying, you saw those sad moments as well. But that faith is what I believe draws people to you. I think it's one of the things that inspires people when they come into contact with you.

And that's a part of your mom's legacy. And now you're continuing that legacy even with your children, even down to generational legacy when it comes to business. Can you tell me how it feels to acknowledge generational trauma but also begin generational legacy or I guess not even begin it but expand the generational legacy that you have in your own life and identity. It's hard to acknowledge the trauma. Let me say that it is very, very hard. For so long, I felt like things were happening to me. And I couldn't really pinpoint a person of blame,

but I just always felt like deep down, this is not my fault. It's not my fault that I've had to experience this or it's not my fault that this happened. And I think accountability for I'm not going to say the parts that we played but just accountability that okay well I was this way because this happened I was this way because this happened. That does not make the fact that just because this happened, it doesn't make it okay that I was this way. Okay, you need to heal that.

For a long time, I would lash out and I felt like I always had to speak on how I felt. Like I couldn't just walk away from situations. I felt like I had to address everything and how I felt and at the end of the day, that didn't change the situation at all. That didn't do anything, but make me even angrier. You know, so it's just things like that. But I can say when it comes to the generational healing,

I'm not gonna say head to isolate myself from my family, but everyone is not always on the same page. And I feel like there is a lot of healing that needs to take place within my family, especially within the women in my family. And going back to when you spoke on grace, like, okay, well, everyone is not where they need to be now, but I understand that it's a process. And so I still have to show them grace for where they are now. You know? Yeah.

And that's one of the most challenging things for us to do. But my mom has the same her saying is just because you graduated Don't Burn the School How you Stand Just Because You Feel Just Because You Left Them Just Because You're A Budget Better. Don't Forgive What It Was Like When You Were In A Moment

Where You Didn't Have The Tools and Resources. But it's hard. We get to that other side and start, we start feeling ourselves a little bit, but I think humility and grace for other people are the only way that we really inspire change. So I'm proud of you, Latoya. We've got to advise questions to answer together. You ready? Hi Sarah, just listen to your podcast with Lori Roberts about the delicacy of sisterhood. I was truly blessed by it. My husband and I have been married for five years.

We both have daughters from previous marriages. His daughter is a teenager and mine a young adult. We've had some challenges, but our working on blending our family. Sometimes my husband accuses me of not doing enough for my stepdaughter. I think I go above and beyond for her, but whenever I set a boundary about something

I feel I shouldn't do, I get blamed. What prompted me to write you is that her mother and I don't communicate. All communication goes through my husband or she talks directly with her daughter. My stepdaughter has been living with us permanently for two years. Her mother lives in another country

and seems to be parenting from there. How do I get over my feelings of resentment? I feel the three of them are still a family and that's why I feel I should induce certain things because they leave me out. Should I reach out to her? This is something I think we should have done to co-parent from day one, but it hasn't happened. I have spoken to my husband about it, but he doesn't seem to get where I'm coming from. I know you're busy, but if you could answer,

I would have appreciated a lot. Wow, that's pretty deep. I definitely feel like with her being the adult, there needs to be boundaries, and not just boundaries, there needs to be boundaries and not just boundary boundaries. There needs to be respected boundaries From the information that I gather from what you read. I do feel like she could possibly have a conversation with our husband Because I'm not going to say it's more so of his role because they're there one now. So it's both of their roles together I feel like a conversation definitely needs to be had more so of his roles because they're one now. So it's both of their roles together.

I feel like a conversation definitely needs to be had. I have not experienced the having to cope here with another parent yet, but I am sure that it is coming in that situation because we love our kids so much so I can only imagine having to I can't even, you know, I can't imagine. I definitely feel like Did she say how old she said a teenager? She's a teenager which which is already a hundred years. Yeah, three-naked years is definitely a heart year, but I also feel like it's those years

where you can openly communicate. And so I feel like a discussion possibly needs to be had with the wife and the father, and then a discussion with the three of them. And I couldn't imagine being a stepmother, or I'm gonna actually speak on the actual end of the mother who you said was living in another country, the type of person that I am, if my child is in the home with someone, we're gonna have constant communication.

Because you're going to be a reflection. if my child is in the home with someone, we're gonna have constant communication. Because you're going to be a reflection. You're gonna be a reflection of how my child is raised. So I would definitely wanna be a part of that. I definitely think that when it comes to situations like co-parenting with individuals that are not the biological parent, I think you have to see beyond whatever feelings maybe there.

And there may not be any animosity or any of those sort of feelings there, but you kind of have to have that communication with the other person just as if you're having that communication with the child's dad, you know. Yeah. That's so strong. I love what you said about her being able to talk to her husband because I felt like part of the reason why I was able to work with Lori, who is my step children's biological mother, is because my husband really set a level playing

field. Like, everyone understood their role. There was no lapse in relationship. There was no mistake about their dynamic, like their dynamic didn't change when I came into the picture and so she's grieving this aspect of him that she no longer had access to. It goes or truths in your relationship and that's even more reason for your husband to be involved because if they were going on family trips or they

were still staying the night and still doing things together as a family, your introduction means that he has to make space for you in that picture. And that can be challenging for the other woman to really acknowledge and experience. But I think what really stood out to me in your letter is you said, I feel the three of them are still a family. And that's why I feel I should induce certain things

because they leave me out. First of all, I know exactly how you feel. I know what it's like to watch graduations, to watch ceremonies, to go school events, or enrolling for school, and feeling like they're still a unit, and you don't know where you fit. But I would advise against excluding yourself just because that is a reality.

Like when we were going to enroll the kids in school, it would be all three of us up there because just because they are your stepdaughter's parents, it doesn't mean that you don't play a role. And it doesn't mean that there's gonna be a separation where now what's just the husband and you and your bonus daughter, you guys have to make space for each other. And if you are responding from a place of hurt or resentment

because you feel left out, you cannot trust your decision-making. If your decision-making is because they did this, I did that. Then I don't think that that is the healthiest perspective because at the end of the day, you want to be able to say, I was true to my integrity, I was true to myself, I was true to the vision that I see possible for this family, regardless of what happened.

Now, if they dropped the ball, they messed up, they got to answer the God about that, but I made sure that I stayed pure in my heart and my interactions. Now, that is some adulting, but you cannot do every day and always pay bills. And always be nice to people.

That's a different level of adulting, but you do get to correct it. And I think it's definitely worthy if you all have an conversation because to Latoya's point, you're the woman in her life right now. You're the woman that she's seen from day to day. And if she can't talk to you,

if she can't lean in and ask questions or no one's watching her from the perspective of a mother because you don't feel like you fit in her moms outside of the country, then it's real possible she could get lost in the sauce. But if you say, I'm in your life and you're going to have to deal with me, let's figure this out, then you guys will find your way to a relationship. But it's a commitment blending a family. Oh, yeah. Baby. It is something.

Absolutely. And I think another thing, another little piece of advice that I may give to whoever that was that wrote in is to sometimes think about the things that we say. And sometimes we don't even realize some of the things until we speak them out of our mouth or in her case write them, but you spoke it for her. You know, I feel like, I feel like, and in this situation, you have to take into consideration what your daughter feels like. You know, make it more so about your daughter thing that love that she needs, that family unit that she needs, although you are not here in the physical, that's not taken away from you being her mother.

You're still her mother at the end of the day, but we have to make it about how she feels and not necessarily about how you feel. Yeah, that's the key. The trick to parenting is taking into account the children. Latoya, I have a question for you before we go. What woman in your life has inspired you the most? I would definitely say my godmother. Tell me about it. What's the name? Her name is Valerie Johnson and I love her to

death. I actually met her before my mother passed away. She was my best friend's mother and she kind of took on that role and still she keeps my children to this day. My children, all of my children, my oldest is 18 went to her daycare. And you know, she has always been that mother figure that I felt like I didn't have. She has always been there to encourage me when I need to encourage me. Even if I just needed to go there and sit there and cry and didn't say a word, you know, she has always given me that love that I wish I was able to have for a parent.

So she definitely inspires me, definitely for sure her. Well can you tell us what is one thing that you hope she knows about the impact that she's made on your life, your children, the world? She definitely knows because I tell her all the time. I am big on telling people as social media is saying, now giving people their flowers now. So she definitely knows, but if I could give her the world, I would give her the world. She's not my bullet family, but I feel closer to her than I did to anyone in my family.

And so I appreciate that she definitely helped mold me into the person that I am becoming because I'm still becoming. You know, that she is who she is. And I thank God for her every day. I thank God that she's able to be that grandmother figure to my children. The world definitely needs more people like her because when you spoke on grace, she extends that grace to everybody. And their situation is where, you know, it may be somebody that says something to her wrong

and I'm like, what? You know, she's like, so that's not how God wants a difference. But you know, and so she definitely is a model of, of, you know, not only a woman, but a woman of faith. And, and that is taking me a long way, seeing her be that way. That's brilliant. Thank you. I love what you shared about your Godmother. I think it gives us all goals to really look towards and to really lean into the ways that we can show up in her honor in our own ways. Thank you, Latoya, for taking the time to speak with us for being so patient.

Thank you. As we got things together. Take care of yourself. You do the same. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Thank you.

Bye- Bye. Latoya, it was such a pleasure getting to know you. Thank you so much for doing this with me. So many women are going to walk away hopeful for an opportunity to start again, to take the pieces of what didn't work in the way that we thought they would and throw them at our destiny with confidence that good can still happen. I'm looking forward to more members of the delegation either being my co-host or soliciting me for advice. I'm low-key trying to be in YAH's business. I don't know if you know this or not, but it's high-key low-key trying to be in your business.

So if you bow to about it, hit up podcast at womanevolve.com. Come back. Come kick it with me again next week. I'll see you there. you