Woman's Hour - Parenting: How to successfully integrate a family into an established community

Episode Date: September 18, 2019

Listener Wandja Kimani emailed the programme to ask us to discuss carving out a life in a community when you find yourself in a minority. Jenni speaks to Wandja and to the author Rachel Edwards, who moved from London to a small hamlet in Oxfordshire over 20-years ago.

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BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, this is Jenny Murray welcoming you to this week's Podcast for Parents. Now, if you live in any of the United Kingdom's big cities, you can walk down the street and see dozens of people of different races generally mingling together with no difficulties. But what's it like if you're a person of colour and you move into a rural community where yours is the only black face? How do you and your children manage to fit in? Well, that was the question raised by Wanda Kimani, who recently moved to a small town in Cambridgeshire. We're joined by the author Rachel Edwards who moved into a village in Oxfordshire 22 years ago and of course by Wanja. Wanja what's it been like for you to move to a predominantly white part of the country? Good morning Jenny it's been an interesting

experience it's come with its difficulties with people kind of making assumptions about um my place and my position being there um so people kind of sometimes assuming that i'm taking something that belongs to the local population i put that in quotes because who is local i think there was something that happened in the post office, wasn't there, that made you realise that something might be going on? Yeah, so just last week I was outside the post office and a gentleman was in the queue behind me and he said that he was talking about his name being a local name to the area

and saying that it's dying out generation by generation and then he just skipped to the fact that social housing is now going to immigrants and then just glanced over at me and it's you know I'm not taking up the space that I should and I deserve to be there just as much as everyone else. Rachel, yours was a long time ago. That's right. 22 years ago. What was it like for you when you moved in? Well, I feel it was slightly different then. Maybe we were in a more optimistic time back in the 90s, in the late 90s, when I moved from London after university to rural Oxfordshire.

And I generally felt very welcome. Of course, I was conspicuous. There's a visible difference that my neighbours didn't have to deal with. But people were interested, you know, as long as you met them halfway and talked about where you were from, what you were doing, they genuinely wanted to welcome you into the community. I do wonder about now, the climate now, whether that has changed. I felt certainly my certain differences since having moved to Oxford 22 years ago. You'd expect it to be better now.

You would. Because we've talked about it so muchs. And that's how it was. My novel that I wrote was called Blended because I thought about blended societies and how we're all moving in that direction. And I still think that's a great hope for the human project, you know. But I fear personally that since issues like the EU referendum and the political changes have taken place across Western Europe and wider parts of the globe, the attitudes may have changed. And that ripples down to the smallest communities where otherness is more visible. So that has a greater effect on people like Wanda and I who are walking around and people notice the difference.

And whereas that might be welcomed with more open arms, I feel there's some touch of hostility maybe creeping in and it's not the experience other people as well one day i know you've got two little girls one of which is ready to start school yes how are you preparing her for school so um at home we talk positively um about all aspects of our being um whether it's our brownness, being women, being girls. And we celebrate that. And my daughter is very creative, very curious about all the differences and similarities between her and her friends. So, so far, I've just been kind of reinforcing the positivity

of being who she is. But, you know, going to school, that that's beyond me and i do worry about kind of assumptions that will be made about her just based on her color what what conversations have you had with the school about it so we're having so the school has been um really efficient in kind of the transition between nursery and primary school so they've had visits into the school over the summer and they'll be doing a home visit when I will get a chance to kind of talk to her teachers about this and I would want any issues that come up to be kind of talked about rather than just brushed under the carpet because that doesn't help anyone. Rachel you didn't have the problem of sending your children into school, but you were, a long time ago, the only black girl in the school.

I was. What advice can you give to someone who is facing that now? Well, I would first of all say, don't be daunted on behalf of your daughter. I mean, you're right to think about it. You're a great mother to think about that ahead of time. I was, as Jenny said, I was literally the only black girl in my school for many years back in the 80s. And I think it helps as a parent if you're engaged and you can engage for yourself what your child's experiencing. But really the best advice I could give would be to empower

your daughters as you seem to be doing from an early age. So give them confidence. Don't feel that they have to necessarily foster a sense of victimhood because they'll be the only, maybe the only person of colour in their class. Give them confidence that they will be heard and understood. And also, I think for me, the real tools, the two pillars of my life to date have been love and education. So if you're supporting that education and encouraging them to find themselves and contribute as well as to absorb information then you are really supporting them and being active members of the community and that way they will shape the the conversation in their school and the dialogue as well as being members of it but you i think i'm sure you're talking to your girls about how they feel and if they have

playground issues i'm sure you talk to them about that yes what do you like about living in a rural community? For me, it's having just this access to really green, open, beautiful spaces. It's a really safe neighbourhood. The facilities at the school are fantastic. So I feel like they do have a lot of opportunities to explore while being there. How did you involve yourself in the local community? Well, there are a number of ways. So I arrived in rural South Oxfordshire on my own and I

was in my early 20s. So I felt for a start that I was preparing myself for people to be curious because as I say, there's this visible difference. And conspicuousness can be quite an issue if you're feeling very shy or worried about standing out. But I saw that as a positive thing because people said, oh, what are you doing here? Where are you living? And so on. There are a number of ways, really. First of all, I'd say involve yourself. Don't underestimate the shyer's love of people who get stuck in, you know, involve yourself in activities.

Don't wait to be invited things, you know, put yourself out there. And it's not just the fun days, the festivals, but also volunteering. If you have time for that, I know it's half a two year old children, but they're environmental things. It doesn't have to be about always about cultural aspects. But I would also say you're you're an artist aren't you you create now creating something adding something to the cultural dialogue is really important so you can shape the conversation there maybe invite people to some of your um shows and and get people introduce people to some of your ways of thinking as well. I think definitely joining in is very important.

Also, using your local amenities to a greater extent than you might do if you were just in a city. So it's really important to local grocer who might be struggling or the butcher. Don't just get your shop delivery delivered to your house. You know, maybe go and use the local shops and talk to people because there's a wealth of information. Use your library. Very important with young girls. Get involved in books and book groups and so on. So there's a plethora of ways, really.

Just briefly, we were talking about PTAs yesterday, Parent Teacher Associations, and how desperate they are to get people to join and take part. Might that be an idea? That could be an option. Join the PTA. Well, Wanda Kimani and Rachel Edwards, thank you both very much indeed. And Wanda, the very best of luck and good luck with the girls starting school.

And don't forget, we always want to hear from you. If you have ideas for things we could discuss about being a parent, do let us know. You can send us a tweet or an email and we'd love to hear from you. Bye-bye. I'm Sarah Trelevan and for over a year, I've been working on one of the most complex stories I've ever covered.

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What does she have to gain from this? From CBC and the BBC World Service, The Con, Caitlin's Baby. It's a long story. Settle in. Available now.