Woman's Hour - Stormont Women, A Friend's Death, Mixed-Weight Dating

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

You might have seen a striking picture this week of the two top women in Northern Ireland facing four men in suits. The women are the First Minister, Arlene Foster from the DUP and Deputy First Minister, Michelle O’Neill from Sinn Fein. The new Assembly has more female politicians that ever, so what does this say about how Northern Ireland is changing?New books and apps help you track your periods and find out when you're on top form and when you're not. But it is true that we can work our life around your hormones if we understand our cycle? Jenni's joined by Dr Emma Ross, Head of Physiology at the English Institute of Sport and Maisie Hill, author of Period Power. Is mourning a friend different from mourning for someone in the family? You're expected to be very sad when a family member dies but grieving for a friend can be seen as ‘too much’. It can also be complicated, especially if you knew them in a different way to how their family did. When friends of our own age die it can bring up all sorts of tricky emotions. Sue Elliott-Nicholls, who knows what it's like to grieve for friends and family, reports. ‘Mixed-weight dating’ is a term used to describe a couple with a noticeable difference in body size or shape. Some people see it as a straight-forward description of the couple but others say the phrase is offensive. Steph Yeboah is a plus-size and body positive lifestyle blogger. Ebony Douglas is the CEO of her own marketing and PR agency - and has been in a relationship like this for three years.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. I'm Natalia Melman-Petrozzella, and from the BBC, this is Extreme Peak Danger. The most beautiful mountain in the world. If you die on the mountain, you stay on the mountain. This is the story of what happened when 11 climbers died on one of the world's deadliest mountains, K2. And of the risks we'll take to feel truly alive. If I tell all the details, you won't believe it anymore. Extreme. Peak danger. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, Jenny Murray welcoming you to the Woman's Hour podcast on the 15th of January. Good morning. Suddenly, everybody's talking about menstruation and there are books and apps to help you track and interpret your cycle. What's the evidence that better understanding can unleash period power? The experience of grief. How different is grieving for a friend from grieving for a member of the family?

And a new term for you, mixed weight dating. What's the significance of words that describe a couple where one is really big and the other one, usually the man, is not? Now it was on Saturday that Northern Ireland's Stormont Assembly finally was up and running again after three years of there being no devolved Parliament. And a rather striking photograph has appeared in the news of the two leading women in Northern Ireland facing four men across a conference table. The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, the Secretary of State, Julian Smith, the Irish Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar, and his deputy, Simon Coveney.

And of course, the two women are Northern Ireland's First Minister, the DUP's Arlene Foster, and the Deputy First Minister, Sinn Féin's Michelle O'Neill. There are now 90 MLAs, members of the Legislative Assembly, and of them, 30 are women. The number of women politicians in Northern Ireland has steadily risen over the last 20 years. Well, I'm joined from Belfast by Dr Margaret O'Callaghan from the School of History, Anthropology, Philosophy and Politics

at Queen's University, and by Emma Vardy, the BBC's Ireland correspondent. Emma, this rise in the number of women that we see currently happened three years ago, but how significant has the rise been in the past 20 years? Well, like you say, that jump back in 2016, 2017 was particularly marked. And then for the first time, women made up about a third of the MLAs at Stormont. But before that, really, female representation in politics in Northern Ireland was very much lagging behind the House of Commons,

very much lagging behind other devolved governments around the UK. And it was recognised as being a particular problem. There was a few reasons behind it. One of them, that a principle of the peace process was that people involved in the troubles then went into politics. And because women were less likely to have been involved in violence, they were then playing less of a role in politics. But there's been a lot of work done to try to change that. It was noticed that women played a big role in lots of voluntary organisations and other groups. And there's been a lot of work done and parties have been encouraged to reduce the barriers that women face in terms of entering politics. Now, we have seen more women in the nationalist parties. The DUP still does lag behind. Only six of its 28 MLAs at the Stormont Assembly are women. But things are changing, although there's still a way to go before it's 50-50.

Margaret, what do you make of the representation of women in Northern Ireland politics now? massively particularly in the 2017 election and it's quite striking visually if you look at the Northern Ireland front bench at the moment it's there are a lot of women there women from all of the parties now it doesn't necessarily mean because you have a large number of women in politics that their politics are either radical or feminist and it's quite interesting that within the Northern Ireland system you can co-opt MLAs and two of the quite interesting ministers in this new assembly Deirdre Hargay for Sinn Féin and Diane Dodds the former MEP for the DUP party have been co-opted and put on the front bench.

I mean, I think what's happened is that there's been an awareness over the last 10 or 15 years that Northern Ireland looks strange internationally, that the work done by the Women's Coalition in 1998 looked like it had been put aside, but slowly and cumulatively, even the conservative mainstream parties have begun to appreciate that women do get elected if they can get through the selection barrier. So I think it augurs well for the future.

Emma, how significant is the fact that the two leaders are female, Arlene Foster and Michelle O'Neill? And what do they make of the fact that they are suddenly two women leading everything? Well, having the two main parties with female leaders is often held up by other people, I think, as an example of them being trailblazers, they've sometimes been called. I don't think they make too much of it themselves. And also, you have to remember, in Northern Ireland at the moment, politics is really marked by a lot of frustration by voters because actually the example of the past three years hasn't been a particularly good one. You know, those two female leaders have been at each other's throats, just as the two main parties have been, you know, because we've had three years of stalemate, division and frustration. That's only just been resolved. So there hasn't been a lot of space really for sort of congratulatory sentiments here and I think really you know we've seen that change now that they're back in the assembly and going forward there might be a bit more room for compliments if you like between

the two of them or or you know building a good relationship but obviously the big story here over the last three years has been utter division no matter who's been at the helm of it margaret what would you say is the relationship between those two women now given they come from such historically opposing positions well personal chemistry is um something we haven't really um investigated between the two of them at the moment i mean they're similar in certain ways in that they're both slightly beholden to the males within their own party. For the past three years, Arlene Foster has been here while the DUP at Westminster have played a big game

with the leading Tory politicians. And her position has been insecure, to say the least. So this is kind of a retrieval of ground on her part. Similarly, Michelle O'Neill is a young woman who did very well in her former ministry, but was challenged recently for the deputy leadership of the Sinn Féin party. And I think it's a moot point how much autonomy they will have in terms of decision making in the executive or how much they might permit themselves to be dictated to by the big beasts in their own parties. And I think that's going to be crucial. If they could forge a personal relationship, it's all quite unknown. You know, it's very interesting politics. Emma, what other female MLAs should we be looking out for?

Well, the new Justice Minister is Naomi Long, leader of the Alliance Party, and that's a cross-community party, neither unionist nor nationalist, which has made big gains in the last couple of elections, perhaps a sign of the future. It's considered here the way that a party, which is neither one of the big political tribes or the other, is actually able to pick up a lot of vote share and say we're something different. And Naomi Long has been a real figurehead of that. And as we were saying, you've got Diane Dodds there, the DUP Minister for the Economy, Deirdre Hargay, Minister of Infrastructure. And

if you look at the ministerial appointments of the new executive, well, that's now 50-50. Margaret, how likely is Stormont to keep going this time around? That's a big question. I would think it's in the interests of all parties to try to keep it going. I mean, what we've seen over the last few months is the complete inability of this place to run itself. The fact that Westminster had to legislate in relation to abortion, in relation to LGBT marriage. The health service is in chaos. We are with the worst suicide rate in these islands of young people. The entire infrastructure of Northern Ireland is on the ground. So the stakes are very high, both for the women and for all of these parties, because Northern Ireland needs

government and it needs it now. So I think the pressure is so heavy on them, I'm almost optimistic. Emma, it's interesting that equal marriage became legal on Monday. How important is it that that was the first item on the Restored Assembly's statute book? Well, it's very symbolic. Of course, that's something which campaigners here have fought for for a long time and have experienced this period of no government at all. So it hasn't been able to be debated at Stormont for three years. It was previously blocked through a veto mechanism called the Petition of Concern. And then there was no government. So that's why in the end, Westminster intervened as it did on the abortion issue too.

Now, same sex marriage can be legally recognised in Northern Ireland now, but the first weddings aren't quite going to take place until February because couples will need to register first. But fortuitously, the first weddings were expecting them to take place in the week of Valentine's Day in February. Well, Emma Vardy, Dr Margaret O'Callaghan, thank you both very much indeed for being with us and we'll keep an eye on what's going on, thank you. Now we used never to talk about periods very much, often as I remember it concealing a tampon in your handbag if you went to the toilet at work. Suddenly, everybody is talking about menstruation, and oh, shock of shocks,

the new This Girl Can advert, aimed at encouraging girls into sport, has one shot that shows the string of a tampon peeking through the side of a girl's knickers as she pulls on her jogging pants. Well, with the new openness come lots of theories, books and apps encouraging women to track their cycles and launch what's been dubbed period power. Where's the evidence that knowledge will bring power? Well, Dr Emma Ross is head of physiology at the English Institute of Sport and Maisie Hill is the author of Period Power. Why would you say, Maisie, there is this sudden interest

in the menstrual cycle? Well, good morning. And I find it interesting that you use the word sudden. I think it does appear that it's sudden. And certainly that's how many people describe it. But I think this interest has been there for a long time, as long as we have been menstruating. But with the advent of social media, our ability to dismantle the tab trumps of the world has also helped our cause to speak out publicly. What prompted you to research and write about it? Well, I've been doing this work for a long time through my practice as of dealing with debilitating period pain and the experiences of the clients that I would be working with that I thought, gosh, this really needs to be written about

because there's some basic information out there that can make such a huge difference and a very positive impact on someone's experience of their cycle. When you describe it as debilitating how debilitating was it? Like I would need to lie down on a pavement and hope that I would be able to get painkillers from somewhere that's in the days when I didn't know to expect my period before I was tracking my cycle yeah it was it was rough, very rough. Emma, it's clearly important in that this girl can add, which I saw yesterday. Why are you interested in including knowledge about the cycle, the menstrual cycle, into training elite sportswomen? Because the girls in the advert that we're seeing are all young and being encouraged to get into sport.

You're on a slightly higher plane. Yes. Hi, Jenny. Absolutely, we're dealing with elite athletes, and I think that's why it's even more important that we don't ignore the very important biology that underpins behaviour, emotion and physicality in these athletes. So for a long time in sport, we've treated female athletes like little men. We've used things that have worked in successful male athletes and just transposed them onto training and supporting female athletes. And that seems to ignore the fact that the biology of these two individuals the female and the male

are completely different and so if we don't take that into account never mind marginal gains you know the the pillows that you sleep with or the aerodynamics of your of your skin suit when you're on a bike you're ignoring this massive opportunity to tap in to the potential of understanding your hormones and utilizingising them. And also, you know, it's not acceptable to me that an athlete will get to the biggest event of their life, like the Olympic Games, and be put out of her event by debilitating symptoms that Maisie has mentioned. You can't have those symptoms recurring again and again and again and again. And then they occur on the day of

your big race and you think oh well never mind you don't train for it to be potluck what day your olympic final is so by opening up the conversation about menstrual cycle about the symptoms we allow women and women athletes that we work with to share with us those that information and us to find solutions. So how do you, if your Olympic race that you've been training for for years and years falls on the day your period starts and you're in agony, how do you deal with it? Well and that's the headline isn't it? So you know girl, women athlete pulls out of race because her period symptoms are too bad. And that becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy because people think, well, I can't exercise on my period. And that's relating back to the ad that you were mentioning is so important that we get the message

out that it's really important to exercise when you have your period. But what we're working on at the English Institute of Sport is to really reframe the menstrual cycle and say that on any day of your cycle, you can be the best version of yourself. Not that there are times of your cycle where you can't, that just doesn't work for elite athletes. And so in order to do that, what we have to do is get the athletes to explore their own lived experience of the cycle, as Maisie said, to track and to monitor so they can see when they feel great and they can capitalise on that time. And they can see when they feel great and they can capitalize on that time and they can see when their menstrual cycle is posing challenges for them as an athlete and then we can work really diligently to find solutions so that on any given day they think I've done the best I can to know

I'm the best version of myself today. Now Maisie you write about the menstrual cycle in terms of seasons why? Well this was a concept and a framework that was introduced to me by alexandra pope and sharni hugo werlitzer um and i love using their framework because it makes talking about the menstrual cycle i think very accessible and um slightly easier to understand sometimes than understanding the roles and the actions of the different hormones so in the same way you know right now we're experiencing such um horrific weather in the UK um and you could describe your cycle in the same way as I'm be I'm in my winter so the time of menstruation when you're bleeding therefore you might may, because everyone's experience is different, more inclined to want to stay indoors, hibernate a bit, prioritise your own needs rather than being out there in the world serving others, which we are often doing. But you can't do that if it's your Olympic race, can you?

No, you can't. And you're on a winter day. No, you can't. And this is why I love talking about it, because as Emma said so perfectly, it's really important to make the best out of where you are in your cycle. And the thing is, when you're tracking your cycle and you know your experience of your cycle, it's a bit like looking at the weather forecast in advance. And if you know tomorrow's going to be a bit of a rotter weather-wise, then yeah, there might be times when you can just cancel your plans and stay indoors. But more often than not, you've just got to put on a raincoat and get on with your day. And that's what knowing your experience of your cycle equips you to do. There are now, as I said, these period tracking apps. And I wondered how concerned both of you might be

about women putting information onto an app that is personal yes and then maybe being bombarded with adverts for nutritional supplements and all kinds of advice that may not be evidence-based Emma yes absolutely right and we're really cautious because when we're dealing with athletes we don't want them putting information into an app that then tells them oh your chance of being injured today is increased you know that's the least useful message you can give to an athlete and it's not entirely accurate there's not enough evidence and and that information is being given to an individual and the app doesn't know the context of that individual's life and what

they're eating and how stressed they are and so the generic approach that an app gives you, which is putting a blueprint of the menstrual cycle onto everybody, isn't particularly useful in elite sport. However, the tracking part and the understanding your own experience of the cycle is hugely useful. So we look to get our athletes to track their symptoms,

where they are in their cycle, how they're feeling physically and emotionally either good or bad in a way that suits them and is valuable to them so it might be through their phone or it might be on a calendar whatever's useful for them and then that information is stored and then analysed and reflected on as an athlete with a coach or with people that support them to give them information that's valuable to them as an athlete with a coach or with people that support them to give them information that's valuable to them as an individual not a generic blueprint but Maisie there are a degree of danger in all of this you know another natural part of a woman's life that needs to be fixed well

this is a really interesting point that you've raised, because I think the thing is, is that with especially with apps and the focus in the media-up to ovulation or even in the run-up to your period, which may sound surprising to some people, but there are talents to be had and powers there. So I think this is the thing, when you focus on all of the cycle and not just on the negative experience, then that helps to reframe our understanding of the cycle. Well, Maisie Hill, Dr Emma Ross, thank you both very much indeed for being with us this morning. And we would like to hear from you. Do you have period power? You can send us an email, you can send us a text. We'd love to hear from you. And thank you both. Now still to come in today's programme, a phenomenon dubbed mixed weight

dating. What's the significance of a term that describes a couple with a difference in body size? And, of course, the serial, the 10th episode of Exile. Earlier in the week, you may have missed Jane's phone-in on the subject of the Meghan and Harry debacle, and yesterday, a discussion about cosmetic procedures being offered to girls under the age of 18. If you've missed the live programme, you can find us, of course, on BBC Sound. Just search for Woman's Hour.

And now my script has got stuck together. What's happened there? Now I've unstuck it. Now I suspect we have all at some point experienced grief. It may have been a parent, a grandparent, a sibling or a child that has died and the grief can be quite overwhelming. As you get older, it's increasingly a friend who is no longer there, perhaps reminding you of your own mortality. But is mourning a friend different from mourning a family member? Well, Sue Elliott Nicholls has experience of both and she talked to other women who've struggled

particularly with the pain of grieving for a friend. They could have been a much deeper part of you than your family member was. Your relationship with them is a unique relationship because you choose your friends and you click with your friends. And I clicked with Judy. It's a testament to the person that they have friends grieving for them it's not just family it shows you what a

wonderful person they were if they've got friends grieving for them. My mum died last year even though grief has been complicated we had one of those relationships. That complication is allowed. It's in the there are no rules rules. But two years ago, I lost a very good friend and I've been struck by how different that grief is. What are these rules? Why does it take so long to process? How long are you allowed to mourn? I spoke to others who, like me, were grieving for friends.

Di, Alice and Sharon. A good friend of mine, Julie, she died three years ago and I'm still feeling that loss. I only knew her about two years, but it was like I'd known her for so long. She lived near me and we used to meet up at the park and she was just such good company. Those two years it was like a lifetime. It's such a hole isn't it? It's a big hole because I think oh you know on a lovely

sunny day I thought oh I could be meeting her. I always felt so relaxed in her company and I'm not a relaxed person. My friend Judy, who I'd known since I was about 18, I'm in my 50s now, and we met, we both moved to London to join the National Youth Theatre and remained firm friends for the rest of her life. We had a bit of a northern kinship because she was from Leeds and I was from Bolton in the north-west. And we had a bit of a northern kinship because she was from Leeds and I was from Bolton in the northwest and we had similar accents we used to get up to all kinds of skullduggery I used to sort of stay most weekends and sleep top and tail with Judy in her single bed listening to George Michael as we went to sleep after a night out. How did it leave you feeling after she died?

Really lost. Losing a friend is like something coming at you from left field. You don't expect it. The acceptance is difficult. When she was ill, I thought, no, she's going to get better. There's no way she's going to die, she's going to get better. When Susie died, when my friend died, a few weeks before she died, a friend and I went down and we got into bed with her

and ate strawberries in bed, you know, and it was a really special day. But I feel like I kind of, because they're your friend, I mean, it doesn't sound like you did this, you have the option of not being there, whereas if it's a family member, you sort of have to be there. And I regret not being there more. I think I was really freaked out. It is hard when you see somebody suffering like she was.

She was in a lot of pain and she had to take morphine. And it was very hard to see her in pain but I didn't want her to go through that on her own. Her family weren't living in London and she did have other friends but because I lived near I thought no I want to be there for her. I don't want to think of her suffering alone. Alice is part of a large, close school friendship group. When they were 14 turning 15, two of their friends died. Harry was a shock. If someone had told me that one of my friends had died due to suicide,

I would have said 100 people's names before his. So with him it was a shock. With Rachel it was was she tried to get so much help and then we couldn't help and that that sort of hurt more now I realize that it wasn't anyone's fault but we sort of wish we could have helped people die it's part of life but at 15 to have lost two of your closest friends. Two months apart due to suicide, like it was the most painful thing ever. It does make you think, am I next? You feel a bit guilty because you think,

they've died, I could die, we could all go at any point, I feel terrible and you sort of think am I being really selfish here I'm making this all about me but it is about you and it is about me it's about all of us because we've all been touched by this person that's gone I mean I had breast cancer 11 years ago and I survived it and Judy had this cancer and didn't survive it so I feel why me why did why am I here after mum died I could be kind of sad and I would cry a lot and be on my own a lot and quite often take myself to bed and I feel like my immediate family my husband and kids would they would completely understand that I was in in sort of like raw grief when Susie died

I felt like I had to cope better you have to pull yourself together quicker you can't mull you can't dwell on it but it comes back to bite you if you don't dwell on it as long as you need I have waves of missing her so much so I'll hear songs that she sang and that's a killer. It hurts, it really hurts. Did you feel like, because I sort of felt like the really people that I really want to talk to about how much I loved Susie was her family. But I felt like I couldn't because somehow I should be strong and also like I was being overdramatic and being selfish. Also, you possibly knew a different Susie to the Susie that they knew.

I remember at Judy's funeral, we heard lots of lovely stories about when she was younger and the rebellious teenager and the encouraging older sister. She was very much that. And I had a different relationship with her, a relationship that they had no idea about because she lived down here in London for 30 years. Who's to say you weren't just as close to that friend,

or if not closer than you were with some of your closest relatives? We all expect to lose our parents. We all dread it. Everyone understands it. No-one makes a friend expecting them to die. in the eyes of everyone else. You know, everyone understands what you're going through, but you're not allowed to be selfish. You're not the only one, and you have to share the grief with everyone else. And I feel like I bottled my emotions a lot more with friends than I did with Grandpa.

With friends, you understand that there's people that have it worse than you. There was so much support from teachers, from other students, from people who had also lost friends. There was so much support from teachers, from other students, from people who had also lost friends. There was just so much support everywhere so it made you feel a lot less alone. The loneliness really hit when you went home and your family can't relate to what you've been through, it's just you. Rachel's memorial and Harry's funeral, there were so many people, like so many people and they were so loved. So, so, so loved and so many people were there and we still have gatherings.

Rachel has a bench and Harry also has a bench and Rachel has a tree. So it's nice to see everyone there. Do you go there quite a lot? Birthday celebrations and anniversary of their death four times a year I get to come together with all of my friends. People started being a lot more aware of mental health. People started being a lot kinder. It's just like sort of a cycle and yeah the butterfly effect I hoped that it would have reached a lot of people. At the time, I just couldn't help but think,

why did you have to do it? I'm not angry anymore. I'm happy to have known them. You heard from Alice, Sharon and Diane. They spoke with Sue Elliott Nichols and we would of course like to hear from you if you have experience or indeed indeed, advice to share, you can email us through the Woman's Hour website.

Now, you may be hearing this for the first time, although there is an American television programme which uses the phrase as a title, and the phrase is mixed-weight dating. Now, in the show, the woman is hugely obese and the man is slim and it is generally the woman who is fat and the man who is not. Well is it just a short phrase that simply states the obvious or is it upsetting and possibly offensive to those couples who fit the description. Well, Ebony Douglas runs her own PR agency

and Steph Yeboah is a body positive blogger. Steph, what do you make of this term? I think it's just another way to other plus size women because we do not see this happening the other way around with plus size men and slim women. In fact, it's almost celebrated by the means of TV and tv shows it's almost completely normalized but it um it really offends me because i feel like plus size women

can't be in happy healthy relationships with people that are conventionally attractive without society thinking why is she with this attractive man she shouldn't she should be with people who look exactly like her and I really do not like the whole aspect of the tv show because it's almost voyeuristic in the way it seems to treat plus-size women like zoo animals with people looking in and speculating on this relationship so I am completely against the term. Ebony what's your experience of it? Well in my experience, as when I thought about the first stages of me and my partner, because he's very into fitness, and he's really

into health. I remember when I first introduced him to some of my friends, one of them said, oh, you're lucky. You know, you're lucky. He's a catch kind of thing. And then even over time, even in my relationship now, you'll get other friends saying, oh, he'll be able to help you. You know, I didn't ask for help in any way. So it can be disheartening. It can knock your self-esteem sometimes because of the outside comments based on the fact that I am plus size and he's slender. What do they mean he might be able to help you? In terms of helping me lose weight.

So he might say, shall we go to the gym together? Or maybe when you go to the cinema, no, I don't have the popcorn. That kind of thing you're thinking about. That kind of thing. And that can affect your self-esteem because you may already... I already notice that I'm bigger. So, you know, I don't need outside sources kind of uh making a comment on the help I should need so it can you know it's definitely there um and and then I wonder

why it's such a a big thing that you know I'm the bigger one and he's into fitness and why can't we just be different but be happy with our differences because it doesn't bother him it doesn't bother obviously no no health wise obviously health is important but that has nothing to do with my image and he's never had a problem with me steph why do you suppose it tend only generally to apply to a fat woman with a thin man because of the patriarchy i think it's because of the patriarchy i mean when we see we saw the same thing happen with tess holiday when she was on the cover of cosmopolitan in a bikini there have been so many plus-sized men um topless on the covers of magazines music magazines uh all of these things but you don't hear a peep but as soon as it comes to women's bodies women's bodies are

more policed within the media and within society because we are automatically we're automatically supposed to perform femininity and be dainty and perform these traditional sort of femme roles. And being plus size falls outside of the scope of what people consider to be feminine and so when people see a plus-size woman happy and thriving and confident they don't like it because sometimes I think especially if you're smaller sometimes it could be like I've worked so hard on my body and I'm slim and I'm fit but I hate myself and I see this fat person with a good-looking man and she loves herself I should be that that way, not you. So I'm going to project my insecurities about my thin body onto this fat woman because she's happy and she shouldn't be in that position because society has said that you are disgusting. What experience have you had of this mixed weight dating question?

So with my experience, I was in a relationship a few years ago with somebody that was quite sort of athletic and tall. And again, he didn't mind about my weight at all. In fact, he liked it. He preferred it. But when we would go out in public, we would get the stares from people. When we when I posted pictures online, I would have people saying, oh, you're so lucky to have him. How did you get him? And I would reply saying, actually, he's the lucky one because I'm great and I'm an amazing person. And I would like to think that I'm attractive, too.

And so it was just really the cause of a lot of anxiety for me because it almost made me feel like I shouldn't be with this person. I don't deserve to be with somebody that is that fits the westernized standard of beauty because of how I look. But luckily, I was at a point where my confidence was quite good and my self-esteem was really getting there. So I was able to kind of handle it when people would be quite horrible with their backhanded compliments. So it didn't last last the relationship didn't last no no eventually no it kind of just fizzled out what's been the impact on your relationship do you think of this what's quite interesting it's quite interesting because as i mentioned before in terms of outside comments it can knock your confidence so there may be times when i think i

was explaining to stephanie that even down to yesterday, I think I was making I was making lunch. And then I think my boyfriend just made a comment saying, oh, did you eat already? And all he meant was he didn't want me to make food for him doesn't matter if I eat already, I might want to eat lunch again. But that wasn't his intention at all. So sometimes your insecurities can get the better of you based on other people's comments. And if you bring that into the relationship, it can cause a friction that wasn't there in the first place. So that's been my experience. How much, Steph, would you say weight and race are connected on this dating scene?

It kind of depends, really. It depends on the kind of dating sites that you're on. I think sometimes when you do exist within certain intersections you become somewhat of a fetish for some people depending on race so in my experience I do tend to get a lot of messages regarding my race so men saying oh I've never been with a black girl before oh you must be really aggressive I've heard you guys are really sassy using all of these sort of racially racial microaggressions to um sort of paint all black women as the same in this kind of like animalistic feral kind of um way which is just disgusting and then i also get a lot of messages from people that have fetishes for feederism or um feederism

feederism so feederism is a fetish where men and women can get sexual pleasure from watching their partners eat and gain weight. So that in a sense is kind of promoting sort of getting bigger. And that's something that I've never been into. But I tend to get a lot of messages sort of dehumanizing me and objectifying me and yeah, just seeing me as a vessel as opposed to a person that is awesome what advice would you give to other young women in the same position that you're in ebony um i would say self-love is important um and also what the self-love look like just basically knowing your worth and also um knowing your relationship as long as your partner has that true intention and you can feel that and you know that the love is there

then outside comments doesn't matter because sometimes and a lot of the time is projection as steph you covered earlier um some people may feel like they're slimmer or they've been working so hard on their body image why Why should you? They're projecting. So the idea is just to focus on your relationship and don't bring outside sources and comments into that. And then you'll continue to be happy. Ebony Douglas and Steph Yeboah, you both look great. Thank you so much. Thank you both very much for being with us this morning. And I was talking to Ebony Douglas and Steph Yeboah.

We had lots of response from you on the question of menstruation. Susan sent an email. I was floored by period coming on from the age of 14 to 24. I went pale, got terrible colon pain on the right side and went green. I really understand this issue. It's not anything to do with being an athlete. I was accused of having appendicitis at one time, but I got it on the left side. I don't think you need an app for it. Sue said, it's absolutely possible and the power is also internal. After years of complaining about my period, the pain etc through studying my cycle

and working with it I have finally come to a place where I absolutely love my menstruation. Anna said I'm an endurance swimmer and for a number of years whilst training to do extremely demanding 24 hour plus ultra long distance swims around the world, I decided to have the contraceptive injection to stop my periods completely. As a long-distance sea swimmer, the pain and practicality of having periods was something that detrimentally affected my performance, so I decided it was better to get rid of them and all the associated hormone swings, pain, discomfort etc. Over the last few years when I've stepped back from swimming at that level I've stopped the contraceptive injection and my periods have returned to normal but that led to a scenario

where my period started halfway through my swim across the Catalina Channel in California last August, a week early so so totally unexpected, which isn't ideal when swimming for more than 18 hours through great white shark territory. Jill said, for those who suffer from painful periods, I sympathise, but goodness, why is it necessary to make such an issue about it? Yes, talk about it, discuss methods of coping with pain and the inconvenience, but don't glorify it or make it such a mountain of potential misery for young women coming to grips with this monthly event. Get a grip, get on, take advice, take medication and rejoice that you are a woman. On grief, Theodora said, I have lost two dear close friends within the last few years, one three years ago.

I was told to get over it and move on when I mentioned the recent one a few times a year later. I was shocked. Michelle emailed, Thank you, Woman's Hour. I lost a very close friend to brain cancer aged 52. It was very tough at the time and I still miss her. Grief is a very hard thing to deal with. I have waves of sadness and laughter about my friend Stacey. Alistair said, I didn't shed a tear at my mother's death but was inconsolable at the

death of a good friend. I think it goes back to the old adage that you choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Keith said, I'm one of your male listeners and fans. I'm 60 and found out on Tuesday that a dear friend I've had since I was 18 had died suddenly. I lost my mum last September and another close friend in May. Your piece about the pain of losing friends has helped my understanding of what I'm going through. And Jane said today's article about grieving for friends said many of the things I wanted and needed to hear. I am today on my way to visit a terminally ill friend, possibly for the last time.

I'm finding it difficult to find the right place for all my emotions as despite having lost both my parents it still feels a whole new experience and lots of people say it's only a friend. And then on the question of mixed weight dating David sent an email and said the comments from one of your guests said words to the effect fat women can be attractive quite right but within the same breath she implied that only thin men were attractive are there no attractive fat men it's the kind of sexism that always is allowed to pass unquestioned on women's Hour? The anti-male kind. You've got ten minutes to correct it.

There you go. Do join me tomorrow when we'll be discussing with Professor Joanna Burke the history of the breast and, a delightful surprise, we'll be cooking the perfect shortbread. There'll be two types for me to try. Join me tomorrow at two minutes past ten, if you can. Bye-bye.

Henry Akeley disappeared from his home on the edge of Rendlesham Forest somewhere around the end of June 2019. They come every night now. Please don't believe me. Please. I just need you to get in touch. What we uncovered is a mystery that has sent us deep into England's past. To an area steeped in witchcraft, the occult, secret government operations.

Now we have multiple sites of five lights with a similar shape. And something that might indeed be altogether otherworldly. This is The Whisperer in Darkness. Available now on BBC Sounds. I'm Sarah Treleaven, and for over a year, I've been working on one of the most complex stories I've ever covered. There was somebody out there who was faking pregnancies. I started, like, warning everybody.

Every doula that I know. It was fake. No pregnancy. And the deeper I dig, the more questions I unearth. How long has she been doing this? What does she have to gain from this? From CBC and the BBC World Service, The Con, Caitlin's Baby. It's a long story, settle in. Available now.