Woman's Hour - Weekend Woman's Hour: Sex therapist Dr Ruth, Painful gynaecological procedures, Poetry for the summer solstice

Episode Date: June 22, 2019

The sex therapist Dr Ruth will be discussing porn, vibrators, Vigara and the importance of communication when it comes to great sex.We celebrate the summer solstice with the poet Elizabeth-Jane Burnett and her poem Preface.Why are women asked to undergo painful medical procedures without adequate pain relief? We hear one woman’s experience and from Paula Briggs a consultant in reproductive health and from Katherine Tylko an anti-hysteroscopy campaigner.UNICEF statistics reveal one woman and six new borns in Yeman die every two hours from pregnancy and childbirth complications which the organisation say is as a direct result of the conflict. We hear from Malak Hasan an advocacy and policy worker for UNICEF and from Yemeni born Mai Noman, a Digital Content Editor for the BBC’s Arabic Service.How tricky is it to introduce a new partner to family and friends after the death of a loved one? We hear from Barbara Want whose husband died in 2012, from Colette Jelfs whose husband died in 2006 and from the relationship therapist and author Cate Campbell.More than 2000 people have died after being infected with HIV and Hepatitis C through blood treatment. The victims were mostly infected 25 years ago in what has been called the worst treatment disaster in the history of the NHS. Michelle Tolley tells us how she became infected after the birth of her first child in 1987and why she’s taking part in the Infected Blood Inquiry.The Bristol based cook and food writer Elly Curshen known on social media as Elly Pear Cooks The Perfect Spiced paneer, spinach and grains.Presented by Jenni Murray Producer: Rabeka Nurmahomed Editor: Jane Thurlow

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. I'm Natalia Melman-Petrozzella, and from the BBC, this is Extreme Peak Danger. The most beautiful mountain in the world. If you die on the mountain, you stay on the mountain. This is the story of what happened when 11 climbers died on one of the world's deadliest mountains, K2, and of the risks we'll take to feel truly alive. If I tell all the details, you won't believe it anymore. Extreme. Peak danger. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Good afternoon. As the infected blood inquiry continues to hear evidence of those involved over the years, Michelle Tolley describes the impact of the blood transfusion she had in 1987 when she gave birth. She was infected with hepatitis C. The effects of the conflict in Yemen on women and newborn babies.

UNICEF reveals one woman and six babies die every two hours as a direct result. The pain of some gynaecological medical procedures with no anaesthetic. I was hit with the most intense unimaginable pain. I've never experienced anything like it before. It shot right up my body, up to my neck. It took my breath away. My legs were twitching. My heart was thumping. Why is pain relief not offered? The BBC Two series Mum ended this week after three series of a widow trying to acknowledge she could have a new relationship. How difficult is it to introduce

a new partner after a death? Colette made it work. When we got married two years ago we sort of gave the wedding to the children and said, what do you want to do? And the children became very involved and worked together as a family. And we're now like this very blended, dysfunctional unit that just supports each other because we've all been through very similar circumstances. Ellie Pair, the author of a cookbook called Green, cooks the perfect spiced paneer, spinach and grains. And a Radio 4 seasonal poet for the summer solstice, Elizabeth Jane Burnett, reads Preface. Now the sex therapist, Dr Ruth K. Westheimer, became internationally famous in the 1980s and 90s with her frank advice on radio and television. She was born and brought up in Germany and was then sent to a children's home in

Switzerland by her parents when she was 10. The year was 1939. Both her parents died in the Holocaust. She settled in America and she's now the subject of a documentary, Ask Dr. Ruth. Well, she was in the UK to take part in a debate at the Oxford Union on pornography and she's just celebrated her 91st birthday. When you're 91, you have to celebrate. A friend of mine, Paddy, she made a party at her house. There was klezmer music, which I like, which is like Jewish folk music. And there were some toasts. And then she made everybody tell something about me. I loved it. I loved it. To sit there being talked about by other people. Very nice. What was the best thing

that people said about you that you didn't already know? I think what came across very nicely, Jane, is that they watched the documentary and I liked very much that they came to expect to laugh because I can be very funny sometimes, especially when I talk about that subject matter of sex. And they laughed and cried. And I have to tell you something, Jane, which is important for Great Britain. Great Britain in 1939 took 10,000 Jewish children, Kindertransport, to safety.

I happened to be on a Kindertransport into Switzerland. If I had been Holland, Belgium or France, I would not be alive. But Great Britain deserves a lot of thanks because despite the fact that there were dark clouds on the horizon, they took 10,000 Jewish children. That's why yesterday, yesterday went to see Churchill's... Cabinet war rooms.

The cabinet war rooms. People stood in line for three hours in the rain to get in. It's nice to be Dr Ruth because I said, I'm 91, can I please sneak in? Did you? Yes. And they did. Do you remember the first time you spoke in public about sex in the frankest way imaginable?

Because truly, you know, before you, I don't think anyone was doing this stuff, were they? No, you had some agony aunts later on who talked openly. But I think when I taught how to teach sex education, that's when I had my doctorate in the study of the family. And that's really when I realized the need for these kind of conversations to be done without making fun of sex, but still with humor. In the Talmud, in the Jewish tradition, it says that a lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained. So I was fortunate. I was very well trained by Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan, who was the first sex therapist to do psychosexual therapy. And that I could speak openly and without embarrassment.

And it's also because I was not on television. I wasn't sitting there, a young woman with a short skirt. I already was in my 50s. What was the most common question you'd get? And what was the saddest question you would get? These days, the questions have changed. I get less questions from men who ejaculate faster than they want to. I get less questions from women who don't know how to have an orgasm. I do more questions now about loneliness. The art of conversation is getting lost. Everybody is on their iPhone. And I'm very concerned about that. There is a new edition of Sex for Dummies coming out in August. And I talk a lot about the loneliness and the inability to form relationships.

Can I ask about Viagra? Yes. I tell you what happened in the United States. When that pill came on the market, first of all, I say loud and clear, even today, never to take the pill from a friend, only if a physician prescribes it. Well, you can get it over the counter, can't you? Absolutely. It's a catastrophe. You think that's wrong?

Yes, because there might be other physical aspects of that inability to obtain an erection. So here's what happened in the United States when the pill came on the market. So he went to his doctor. He said, OK, you can take it. Now he comes home. He now, Jane, has an erection from the floor to the ceiling. He thinks it's the last erection of his life. And he wants to make the most of it.

Right. And he tells his wife, hop into bed. Now he forgot her birthday. He forgot Valentine's Day. And in the United States, and I think it's the same in Great Britain, when there is a sports event on television, he hasn't talked to her in three days. So now he has that erection with Viagra.

He thinks that she should hop into bed. And I and you know what that woman told her husband what to do with that erection. Right. But of course, I'm trying to, I never thought I'd be in a position where I have to speak up for Viagra. But I guess some people would say that it's fantastically useful. It saves relationships. It can be really dreadful for a man if he can't get an erection. No question. No question that if the physician says yes, and if the relationship works,

then it saves many, many marriages. No question. Can we just go back a little bit? You said that back in the day, the question would always be, I'm a woman and I just can't, I don't know how to have an orgasm. It is, I suppose, still remarkable because women are still asking. Some women are still asking that question. And then I say, thank you for asking. How wonderful that you can ask.

Now go and get a book. Now go and get a vibrator. But careful, don't ever get used to a vibrator. Why not? Because no penis can duplicate the vibrations of a vibrator. So use a vibrator, get aroused, put it aside, finish with your hand. Otherwise, your expectations will be simply set to high. Yes, exactly.

Right. But look, we have come far. Look, Great Britain, you and I sitting, talking on radio about the importance of having sexual satisfaction. It's just not something to be put on a back burner. And those people who are widows or for whatever reason haven't found somebody right now, do satisfy yourself. Not in public.

Not in public. Not even women's hour would recommend that. But enjoy yourself because you're allowed to. Not in public. Not even Woman's Hour would recommend that. But enjoy yourself because you're allowed to. I do. Because it will give you a different way of walking. You have a different way of walking if you have been satisfied and you have a different outlook on life. And when you're in London, you're taking part in a debate

at the Oxford Union on life. And when you're in London, you're taking part in a debate at the Oxford Union on pornography. Now, pornography, many people regard it as the curse of contemporary life, that young children in particular can be exposed to images that are totally unsuitable at incredibly young ages now. But I mean, you tell me, are you in any way ambivalent about pornography or are you passionately for it? No, I'm not passionately for it. However, I say that for some people to watch pornographic movies helps them to forget about the worries of everyday life. It helps them to forget about some loneliness. It helps them to forget about some loneliness. It helps them to forget about some sadness in their families. But loud and clear, not for children. I make a very clear line. The door has to be locked. Otherwise, I believe that it does help some people to get aroused. But they have to be realistic. No woman in real life has these kind of orgasms.

No man has one ejaculation after the other. That doesn't exist. You need some time to recuperate. But if we can say, use it, if it helps you, and make sure that you know that it's not realistic. But I have to tell you what I found, Jane. They used to think that women don't get aroused by sexually explicit literature.

Not true. Lady Shuttle is lover, women did get aroused by that lover, that gardener. Mellers. Right? The name just came into my head there. That was phenomenal. That's very interesting.

So in all of those books, in your British, the three volumes that I did read. Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey. It does prove what I've been saying all these years. Women do get aroused by literature, sexually explicit literature, and by movies. So if it can help somebody, use it. Dr. Ruth was speaking to Jane, and the documentary Ask Ask Dr Ruth will be out here in September. There's also a video with Dr Ruth on the Women's Hour website and Instagram. She offers tips for a happy sex life.

You wouldn't have thought it given the weather we've been having, but summer officially began yesterday. As part of Radio 4's Four Seasons Poetry, we celebrated with the poet and academic Elizabeth Jane Burnett. She read Preface from her collection Swims. Swimming is continuous. Only the rivers are intermittent. The river is something that happens like exercise or illness to the body. On any given day I am rivering. Not that the river is like the body or the river is the body, but both have gone and what is left is something else. To not end where you thought you did, not with skin but water, not with arms but meadow of watercress, dropwort, floating pennywort, against all odds to be buoyant. To feel there

is an upward force greater than the weight of the heart, the knuckles, the head, to feel as in to feel it physically, push up the ribs which are bones now, everything remembering what it is, becoming is remembering. Sinking in the silt is the sand of the shell of the bone Singing in the wreaths and the rushes Hordes of heartbeats not my own Mollusk onto stone, millfall onto moss Mayfly onto trout, metal onto clay Acid onto wire, electrified chicken wire To keep the salmon in the summer, make a day of it

Fill the car up, make a day of it Fill the river, make like mayflies In the summer, swim in traffic Swim in the car, in the river, in the summer, in the city, in the chicken, in the acid, in the salmon, in the rain, in the silt, in the sulphur, in the algae, in the day we come and part as friends. In the day, in the river, in the moss, in the rushes we come and part. In the river, in the heather, in the rushes, in the rain we'll stay, in the day, in the days dart over. And summer is over, a salmon leap over us us all come apart in the end of the day and the river. Elizabeth, why do you associate the wild swimming in often cold river with summer? Well, because in the country that we live in, that's usually the first time that it's

okay to go into the water, not wearing a wetsuit. It's that kind of liberating moment where you can just about brave the cold in your skin. And it is a beautiful kind of sensation. And you get all the wildlife that comes with summer. So you'll often have the swallows swimming over you as as you're sort of in the water so it's just a wonderful time. How did you become a wild swimmer? I know you swim in the river Dart and I have seen the river Dart it's quite a fast-flowing big river. It is and there is that saying that the Dart claims a life a year. So it is quite a dangerous river to swim in, but it's also very pleasurable and there are particular stretches of it,

you know, that are used frequently for swimmers. I mean, I was born in Devon, grew up there, so it was always part of my childhood to go and have a dip in the river and that's where I learned to swim as well. So it's always been associated with my childhood. And why is cold water such an inspiration for your poetry? There's something that happens to you in the cold water so it's a very shocking event first of all

and it kind of denies the mind so you can't be preoccupied with things in your head. It's very much something that pulls you into the present which is great for writing I think because you get that first-hand experience and then later you can kind of record the sensation but it's a very freeing sensation just that cold shock to the system. But to what extent do the words actually come to you whilst you're in the water or does it all come later? So it varies in between different swims that I'll do. So sometimes I might go into the water already with an idea of some words or something that I want to achieve from the swim. So one of the swims in the collection, Swims,

was a experience where I had written already on my swimming costume some texts that people had told me were their particular fears to do with the environment, and I'd sort of written them all over my swimming costume. I then went for a swim in the river, and I transcribed what was left on the swimming costume after the swim, and that was what became the poem. And how important are concerns for the environment to specifically to your work? Well they're central really and I think the swimming is a way to really get up close to the life forms that I'm trying to safeguard. So I think it helps if we really have a kind

of close relationship to these other than human species. So we're not thinking of them as something that's separate, that's other than us, but they are actually things that we know and that we care about and we experience intimately. So swimming brings me really close to these things that I'm trying to help. Never frighteningly close I was just thinking what sort of things might you come across in the river that might scare you a bit? Well I did have quite a close encounter recently with a pike in Dost Hill Quarries which is in Worcester which kind of gave me quite a big bump and was checking me out it was quite a large fish and I do have the bruise still from

that experience but by and large I think we're okay in England. Now your latest book is a prose book Grassling what inspired it I know you did a lot of reading from it for your father when he was not well. Yeah so my father wasn't very well for the last couple of years of his life. And sort of dementia was one of the things that he was suffering from, which made conversation difficult. So I found that talking about the countryside that he grew up in, that I knew also in Devon was a way that we could connect in a joyful way. So I would go to places that he grew up in, I would talk about the experiences that I was having in them now, I'd write about them and then tell them to him. Can you read a little bit for us? So I'm going to read a little bit about

a swim that actually took place in midsummer. Midsummer's day is one of the hottest of the year and of any of the country's summers. Water sways gold as wheat and I swoon in the heat. With each stroke the part that I know is my own evaporates. And the earth breathes and the topsoil and the hummus and the air and the soil and the water touch and spin and touch and spin so that we breathe. All of them touching and spinning and speaking and singing and soaring and flinging their breathing. Elizabeth Jane Burnett. You rather expect if you have to go in for some sort of invasive medical test that the doctor will do everything to make sure it isn't

painful. Not necessarily so. There's a test called a hysteroscopy, which involves probing through the vagina, the cervix and into the uterus. And as I can attest, it can be agonising. Why are women asked to undergo painful medical procedures like this without adequate pain relief. Well in a moment we'll hear from Paula Briggs, a consultant in reproductive health at Southport and Ormskirk Hospital NHS Trust and from a campaigner Catherine Tilco. First the experience of a woman who had it done. I was 66 and I started bleeding so I've got post-menopausal bleeding, which I knew immediately could be a symptom of cancer. So I went to the GP and was referred for an appointment. And on the day, what happened? Two days before, a letter came with two separate patient information leaflets in.

This told me it would be uncomfortable with cramp-like pains and like a smear test. I wasn't unduly worried by this. I'd already had cramp pains. I'd had a coil fitted in the past. I'd given birth to an eight-pound, three-ounce baby with only a bit of gas and air. Yeah, so you were no novice. Also, it said to take two paracetamol or ibuprofen before. It did mention a local anaesthetic,

but said that they don't normally use it because of side effects. I just needed to know if I had got cancer or not. What was it like? I was hit with the most intense, unimaginable pain. And this was when the device was inserted? Yes. I've never experienced anything like it before. It shot right up my body, up to my neck.

It took my breath away. My legs were twitching. My heart was thumping. I was sweating. The pain was just so overwhelming. And it was carrying on. so I started to panic. Can I ask, had you taken pain? You'd just taken a couple of tablets, had you?

I had, and I'd eaten. I started to panic a bit. Then I started to feel sick and faint. And then the next thing that happened was this burning sensation went all over my body. The pain stopped then, and the doctor's nurse came round to me and said, it's cramps, dear.

I managed to nod and eventually got out the word no, and the nurse stopped the doctor. I think the people doing this know that it can hurt a lot. I know that in the end you did have the procedure, didn't you, but with an anaesthetic? Afterwards I went to see the doctor and I told him that that was horrendous. I said if childbirths are 10, that was 15 to 20. What were you eventually diagnosed with physically?

Complex hyperplasia. Which means? It's an overgrowth of the lining of your womb and it can eventually lead to cancer. So you did need treatment and you... Yes, I've had a hysterectomy last October. Yeah, and you wouldn't have had that or you wouldn't have been diagnosed with that without that procedure.

Oh, no, the test is a really good test. It saves a lot of women's lives and some very fortunate women don't feel much at all. Yeah. And then there are some like me at the other end and a lot of women somewhere in the middle. So it's a good test. We shouldn't put people off going for it. No, well gone. What I feel strongly about is a general anaesthetic was not mentioned to me up front as an option. Severe pain wasn't mentioned to me before at all. Well, thanks to that woman who was prepared to talk so frankly about her experience. We'll talk in a moment to Paula Griggs, who's a consultant in reproductive health.

Catherine Tilko campaigns on this issue. I guess you'll have understood that experience only too well. Can we talk about general anaesthetic? How often is it mentioned in relation to hysteroscopies? If Women's Eye could help us with one thing, it would be to get across the fact that it should always be mentioned. And we're really lucky that we've worked with the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, and they've produced a really good leaflet. And I'm going to plug it here. It's rcog.org.uk.

Actually, I can save you your breath. Thank you. We're going to put a link to that on the Woman's Hour website. Thank you. And what we want people to do is to read that leaflet, and it tells you your risks of severe pain, the fact that you actually have the choice of asking for a general anaesthetic on some really enlightened hospitals have IV conscious sedation. Now, when I have a colonoscopy, which I have to have regularly, you know, to check for cancer, I always say, yeah, please, I have the sedation. There's no question about it. Men get

sedation for colonoscopies. That's endoscopy of the colon. So why not women? And we just want people to give fully informed consent, know they've got a choice of pain control, not go through a sort of conveyor belt procedure like the woman who spoke to you went through. We want individualized care and then a really good doctor. And we know there's some damn good clinics out there. A really good hysteroscopist will interview the person first if that person, say, has problems with speculum exams, faints with their period. Then you can do something. Of course, yeah.

So that's what we're looking for. All right, thank you. Really just information. Of course. Paula, our consultant in reproductive health, why isn't a general anaesthetic always offered to women? Because it's not always needed. I think both the patient and Catherine have made some really good points.

The RCOG have produced best practice in outpatient hysteroscopy, which recommends vaginoscopy. So that's not putting a speculum in and that reduces discomfort. Actually, that guideline does not recommend conscious sedation. And I think the most important point that the patient made is that women should have the option of a general anaesthetic. They also should be in control of when the procedure is stopped. But there is fluid that's put through the camera to improve the ability to see what's there and therefore even when the equipment is removed for some women there is still cramping discomfort because of the fluid and the patient really was describing I think an element of cervical shock so although

the pain was horrendous the dizziness and the nausea that she experienced were additional factors which made the procedure very uncomfortable. Is there any way of telling which women will find it really painful and which won't? I mean, the lady I spoke to had given birth. She was absolutely no amateur in the pain stakes. She'd been through some stuff in her time and she found it excruciating. And I think that's another very good point. There is no way of predicting who's going to find the procedure very painful. So it's just important that all women are given the information about local anaesthesia, topical anaesthesia being an option,

and the ability for the procedure to be abandoned at any point. I've just done two hysteroscopies, and because I knew I was coming on here, asking the patients, how was that for you and neither one of them found it in any way invasive or uncomfortable and they didn't have anesthetic they didn't have any anesthetic they had vaginoscopy we had a clear view of the inside of their uterus and clearly we're undertaking these procedures to reduce the risk of missing cancer which is very treatable if it's picked up in the early stages. Well, I think we're absolutely adamant, and so is our patient, this is important, you need to have these procedures, it could save your life. But I just wonder, Paula,

whether, I mean, the bottom line, I guess, is that all too often, it might seem women are expected to put up with stuff that men would never be expected to put up with. Is that still happening? I don't think so. I think we all aspire to provide good patient care to make the patient very much part of that consultation. And when that experience goes wrong for a patient, I think we feel regret with that. And I don't think any doctor sets out to cause severe discomfort. And it's very, very difficult when you're counselling

patients about a procedure to get that balance right about explaining what's going to happen that for most women it's a tolerable procedure but for a very small number it's painful because what you don't want to do is make the patient incredibly anxious because that then increases the risk of them having a low pulse rate, which can cause nausea and dizziness and make them feel worse. Paula Brigg and Catherine Tilko. And Sophie said, I'm one of the many who found it a bit uncomfortable, but nothing more. And then someone who didn't want us to use a name said,

I had a hysteroscopy two weeks ago to investigate intermenstrual bleeding and I can honestly say it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I'm in my early 40s, consider myself to have a fairly high pain threshold, have had two children by vaginal delivery which necessitated repair work and I've never had any difficulty with smear tests in the past. I believe my experience was made much worse by the shock of the procedure being unexpectedly painful. Information leaflets given in advance simply do not prepare women well enough for the possibility of the procedure being painful. I'm still having flashbacks to the procedure and finding it difficult to have sex with my husband

as a result. I'd be interested to know if other women have had this experience too. Now still to come on today's programme, inspired by the end of Mum on BBC Two, how easy is it for a widow or widower to introduce a new partner to the family? Michelle Tolley on the impact of the infected blood inquiry. She contracted hepatitis C after a blood transfusion when she gave birth in 1987. The conflict in Yemen, one of the poorest countries in the Middle East, has been pretty well raging for more than four years. UNICEF has just released statistics which say one woman and six newborn babies die there every two hours as a direct result of the conflict. The UN estimates that

20,000 people have been killed or injured in the fighting since 2015. Others say the figures may be far, far higher. More than three million people are thought to be severely malnourished. The fighting is between the government forces backed by Saudi Arabia and the Houthi rebels supported by Iran. Mai Noman is Yemeni-born and a digital content editor for the BBC's Arabic service. Malak Hassan works for UNICEF. How surprised was she by the statistics surrounding pregnancy and childbirth? It has been becoming very difficult for children, for their mothers. Sadly in Yemen now, one woman and six newborns, they die every two hours due to the complications

during pregnancy and or near childbirth. This has been aggravated by a lot of factors, the security situation, people's ability to purchase has become really to the lowest levels. People are very poor, you see a lot of them, they're malnourished. There is food, but there is no, you know, I mean, it's really very difficult for them to get the necessities. Water as well, accessing clean water is difficult. So there are a lot of factors that are making, you know, the lives of people in Yemen very miserable. So the women that you meet when you're out in the field, tell us about some of the conditions you've seen very recently. I can tell you, for example, about this woman whom I met about two weeks ago.

She had to travel for five hours from her village in Al-Mahwit to Sana'a just to reach Al-Sabahin Hospital because she delivered her baby at home. And then a few days later, her baby, she started suffering from asphyxia, which is a condition caused by deprivation of oxygen and this can lead to suffocation and death eventually so she had to travel with her baby for five hours and then to reach a suffering hospital by the time I met her she was really lucky the baby was lucky she was okay because she was able to reach the hospital in time and to get the health care but that's not the case for many for many mothers and newborns they they was okay because she was able to reach the hospital in time and to get the health care.

But that's not the case for many mothers and newborns. They don't have sometimes the money and the transportation to go to specialized health care facilities. And unfortunately, this is what's leading to their death. May, the situation in your country does sound absolutely dire. Malnutrition, a violent conflict going on, cholera outbreak as well. And for anybody listening who thinks, well, you know what, what's this got to do with us? Britain is involved here because Britain is supplying arms to the government side in the conflict. It is. Both the UK and the US have massive weapons deals with Saudi Arabia, which is backing the Hadi government. And the Saudi-led coalition is accused by human rights organizations

of violating human rights in terms of killing civilians and targeting places that are full of civilians. So it's a bit of a tricky situation for the UK, but also the international community is situation for the UK. But also, you know, the international community is accusing both the UK and the US of putting more value on the economic profits from this war, as opposed to the humanitarian loss. Right. But whilst at the same time, we should say many people in Britain have given very generously to charity appeals for that humanitarian crisis.

So the two things are running in parallel. Absolutely. You can't be surprised by those shocking statistics from UNICEF in terms of the deaths of mothers and babies. But also, I guess, you wouldn't be surprised by the relative lack of coverage of it. No. I mean, Yemen has been a poor country for a really long time before the war even started. We're talking, you know, about 10 million people were food insecure. We had water problems. We had the problem that Malak was referring to in terms of women trying to get access to hospitals. 70% of the population is rural.

And in Yemen, that means, you know, this is with the poor infrastructure, it means that 70% of the population doesn't have easy access to things like hospitals or education. So that was all before the conflict. So let alone now when, you know, there's a naval blockade on the port. So that means 70 percent of the imports and the aid itself isn't getting to the people. And when it gets into the country, the Houthis are accused of using this aid and not giving it to the people in need. So the country is left in a very, very dire situation. And when I was back in 2016, it was visible everywhere you went, just how difficult it was for people to get by each day. And I hope this doesn't seem ignorant to you,

but when I see images of Yemeni women, they all seem heavily veiled. The women are covered. But they're not powerless. They're not, absolutely not. Yemeni women are, despite being marginalized politically and economically, they played a very vital role from the beginning.

They were out on the streets in 2011, which led to the overthrow of Ali Abdullah Saleh. They were always a part of, you know, grassroots movements. They have their own NGOs, they have amazing access to a wide network of marginalized people. And now they're pushing really hard to be a part, a significant part of the peace process. And you said to me earlier when we were chatting that you'd spoken to your cousin in the country last night. I did, yes.

And what did she say? Where is she? She's in Sana'a and my cousin and I grew up having very similar lives. You know, and the fact that I then ended up in the UK about nine years ago just meant that our lives went in different directions. But I was speaking to her last night and, you know, she's a single mother of three. And she was telling me about how she hasn't been able to sleep the past few nights because her youngest daughter is at school taking exams. In the meantime, the coalition has intensified its airstrikes. So she's worried about her daughter

and she can't sleep at night. And it's just the whole situation is becoming, it's been four years and they've been going through this for four years. So they get to a point where they just don't know what to do. My No Man and Malak Hassan. If you've been a fan of BBC Two's Mum,

you know Cathy was newly widowed, had a grieving son, Jason, in his 20s, and began to start a romantic relationship with Michael, her husband's best friend. Jason found it hard to accept when she made things clear. What I find hard, really, is I want to to be happy again or even just have a bit of fun again but anything nice that happens to be now well I mean it could only happen because the worst thing that's ever happened to me happened so what's like underneath or like the foundations of

everything it's a bit and it's difficult and obviously this there's a lot of guilt I suppose It's a lot like him. Have you got anything you want to say about it? No. So how difficult is it in real life for a widow or widower to begin a new relationship and introduce a partner to the rest of the family? Well, Colette Jelf's husband, Andy, died in 2012. Kate Campbell is a therapist and the author of Love and Sex in a New Relationship. Barbara Wont's husband Nick Clark died in 2006. What

future did she envisage for herself? I had a fantastic marriage with a man I loved hugely and hoped that he would be my life partner for life. And when he died, I couldn't bear the idea that I wouldn't be in love again. And I couldn't bear the idea that my kids, my boys, wouldn't have a father figure of some sort. It's actually much more complicated than that. Love in later life is not easy. But I met someone very soon after he died, completely unexpectedly, and started a relationship within about four or five months of my husband dying. And I told my boys straight away. And their concern, they weren't at all bothered.

Their concern was more about how they would get me. That's all that mattered to them. It's not just jealousy. It's more understanding how this new relationship would affect what they get. They were like little puppies wanting their mum and wanting to know where they were with their mum. So I made it very clear that I loved their daddy more than anyone I ever would love again, that they were still the most important people in my life. And that was fine until one day one of them looked at my new partner and said to

him, you killed our daddy, didn't you? And then I realised how much was going on in their minds about who he was and how he'd come into my life. But I did talk about it. And in fact, his response at that point was to say, no, I didn't kill your daddy, but I do wish I'd met him he sounds such a lovely guy. Colette what sort of future did you envision without Andy? At the point that he passed away I envisaged that it was just going to be me and my children and we were going to be a family unit without him and sort of move forward and we changed our family dynamics and we worked together to sort of support each other we were very open with talking about our feelings in the early days the children helped me organize the funeral and we just became a family unit without even thinking that there would ever be anyone to come in and replace Andy. Kate I know you believe that it's common if your relationship has been a really good one to still alive in their hearts. Whereas if you have difficulties with a relationship, you're still hanging on to the past and regretting that apologies were never made or nothing was ever settled. And it's also possible that couples have talked about the future. The surviving partner may have the blessing of the other one

for their future with a new partner. Yes, I'm nodding because Nick died after many months of illness and in those months we became closer than ever and I gave him and felt so much love and suddenly he wasn't there and I had all this love and wanting to care and nurture and be with someone and I had this I had all this love and wanting to care and nurture and be with someone and I had nowhere to put it and yes because I'd had such a great relationship I wanted to have

another great relationship really quickly and people couldn't understand that I think some people thought it was actually being unfair on him or a sign that I hadn't loved him enough quite the opposite it was because I had loved him so much. As the boys got older, Barbara, how did they begin to react? The partner I met after Nick died, that relationship didn't last. But they are now teenagers and I am with somebody now and their reaction is actually quite similar. Not particularly interested that I've met someone quite like the idea of there being somebody around. All they really care about though is how they fit in to my life. They're very territorial. They don't like the idea that someone else comes

in and tramples on their territory. Apart from that they really don't care. So you don't live with him? I don't live with him. Why not Because the boys now as teenagers, we have a home and a life together and we have patterns and routines. And I've realised that really matters to them. And somebody else coming into that would disrupt that. And I don't think that's fair on them. And I do think what they care about first and foremost is what matters. And they're very territorial. When I'm with my partner, they tend to hug me a lot more which they never normally do. They're 16 year old boys but they definitely want to say she's ours so hands off. Colette what about your children? How as things have progressed have the relationships worked out with them? They worked out brilliantly because I met Stuart through the charity Wayward

and Young. We had met and our children had made friends and they all supported each other as friends prior to the relationship beginning. We were only together a year before we both sold our houses and moved in together. And the dynamics in the family worked from the beginning. The children just supported each other at school, out of school, walking to the shops together. It was the families intermingled. There was no separation between us. And when we got married two years ago, we sort of gave the wedding to the children and said, what do you want to do? And the children became very involved and worked together as a family.

And we're now like this very nice family blended dysfunctional unit that just supports each other because we've all been through very similar circumstances. Kate, just one last question on this. Obviously, different times when people will start it, but how do you start the conversation with the rest of your family that you are moving on? I think if they're adults, you have to be sensitive to their feelings too. So possibly starting by saying, well, I'm not sure how you're going to take this,

but gives them the heads up before you even speak. But it sort of acknowledges that they have feelings too and that it might be difficult for them. And it gives them the opportunity to say how they're feeling and for everyone to talk about it and share. I mean, the lovely thing about Colette and Barbara is that everybody has been very considered. Everybody's been involved.

And it doesn't feel as though it's just them going off and having and starting a new life. They're still involving all of the family and that's key, I think. Kate Campbell, Barbara Wont and Colette Jelfs. Robert said, we lost my father Eric to cancer quite quickly in 2006 and it was more than 10 years before our mum began to talk seriously about a gentleman she'd met and become fond of. I'm glad to say it was nothing like the wonderful TV show Mum. My brother and I couldn't have been happier for our mum and her new partner and we've welcomed him into the family. None of us will ever forget our dad, but there's nothing about loving one person that should prevent someone from finding happiness again after their death. I'd like to think every

one of us could have that chance. The infected blood inquiry opened in London last year. It's heard evidence in Belfast and is now in Leeds. We've heard of entire families who lost relatives as a result of contracting HIV and hepatitis C through blood transfusions and blood plasma. More than 2,000 people are known to have died. Most of them had suffered from haemophilia, but even now new cases are being diagnosed. Michelle Tolley has given evidence about the blood transfusion she was given when she gave birth to her first child in 1987. She was infected with hepatitis C. She runs a Facebook group for people infected and affected

and is in Leeds giving support to other people. What was it like for her to give her evidence to the inquiry? When I found out I'd been infected three years ago, I'd been quite open with media, etc. So I've been quite used to sharing my journey. However, when you're then sat there and they're going down your witness statement, it's quite harrowing.

You feel very, very nervous. You're worried you're going to say things wrong. You're worried you're going down your witness statement, it's quite harrowing. You feel very, very nervous. You know, you're worried you're going to say things wrong. You're worried you're going to forget things because of the brain fog. But I must say that the inquiry team are absolutely fabulous. And I've got great faith in them. How did you find out that you had hepatitis C? We'll have to take this back to the mid-90s. When something came on the the tv there was only four

channels then and it was relating to the bloods hadn't been screened until 1991 and if you'd had kind of any of these so it would have been if you'd had tattoos dentistry operations abroad if you'd intravenously like shed shed needles, blood transfusion, which obviously alerted me because I'd had two before the bloods were screened. There was a contact telephone number, which I phoned, and then we was advised to go along, you know, to your GP. And at that time, I was already feeling extremely exhausted. So I went along to my GP and I said, you know, I'm really, really tired. I'm absolutely, it's ridiculous, this tiredness. So I went along to my GP and I said, you know, I'm really, really tired. I'm absolutely, it's ridiculous, this tiredness. And I said, and also I've had two blood transfusions

before the bloods were screened and we've been advised to come along. His reaction to me was, well, of course you're tired. You've got four young children. What do you expect? And then secondly, he said, well, don't be silly. You won't have that. And almost poo-pooed me out of the room. It made me feel very small, like I'd wasted his time. And, you know, you trust your medical professional. How did it get confirmed? It was during a routine, my annual diabetic blood test. They check lots and lots of different things.

And some of the bloods were elevated. My liver function test come up really really high so I was called in to see my GP which is a different GP surgery from the first one you go through then the questions of you know have you kind of been promiscuous do you drink loads you know have you ever like shared needles which is quite quite a daunting thing when you've done none of those things. So we sat there together and we're trying to work out why these results were as they were. And it was like if you can imagine a cartoon when someone has a thought pops into the head, like I call it my light bulb moment.

And I remembered these blood tests. So I said to my GP, ah ah I did have two blood transfusions before the bloods were screened in 91 and I went along to my local GP and he sent me away wouldn't test me and he put his hands in his head shook his head tested me and then a few days later I'd got the phone call to say that I was positive for hepatitis C and this was after 28 years. It obviously made you feel terribly ill Michelle but how can it be treated? Back in the day there was interferon with ribavirin which was a rather well very harsh very very harsh treatment but when I was diagnosed at the end of 2015 the the new drugs were coming out. So they were less harsher.

The undetected rate is like 95% plus. So I was very lucky, although I had to fight for my treatment, I was very lucky that I didn't suffer as bad as what the people had done previous to 2015. I had my treatment for six months, and this is two two years ago now and I'm still undetected. So thankfully that's gone out the system but I've been left with no ends of problems with my health. It's destroyed my life, absolutely. And briefly Michelle, what are you hoping will be the result of the inquiry? Okay, so for me I want the justice. I want our questions answered. I want everybody to be treated with dignity and not as lepers as we have been treated as. And if there is anyone out there or any people that are responsible for this, I hope that they are treated in the correct way that they should have been. I was talking to Michelle Tolley. Now, there's no doubt that vegetarianism and veganism have recently shot to the top of the culinary agenda.

Yes, there are arguments about whether it's quite proper to emulate meat by referring to veggie sausages or mince, as you may have heard this week on the Today programme. But every cookery book that's being published at the moment has vegetables and grains at its centre. Ellie Kirshen, known online as Ellie Pear, is no exception. Her latest is called Green, and she cooked the perfect spiced paneer, spinach and grains. I've kind of fried off the paneer at home because that's quite boring to listen to.

It takes not very long, but you have to make sure that everything's nicely browned. And then in the pan now there's cumin seeds and ginger and garlic. That combo always smells great. And then I put the paneer back into the pan and I put in some tandoori spice paste and a splash of water just to make it all kind of mixed together. And the oil is coconut oil, right? Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Just because I love the flavour of it with this. You could use any oil. It's fine. But I think that little kind of coconutty taste works really well with this. And then it's just kind of cooking all together for a bit. I'm going to add in some peas and some baby spinach

and then we're adding some mixed grains and I'm going to make a kind of yogurty mint sauce to go with it as well what are the mixed grains that you're putting so the ones i'm using i'm actually going to use two different kinds in the book i've taught people how to do them themselves at home which is obviously the cheapest and um best way to do it but these packets are so widely available now as well and they do really speed things up so i've got one that's a grain one which is a mixture of red rice and quinoa with all sorts of other things in there pearl barley um frica wheat berries different things and then i've got another one which is a mixture of different kinds

of rice but you can use plain brown rice on its own um i say brown because the flavor is so much better than white it's nuttier but um any sort of grain that you like um cook it at home and freeze it in portions then it's ready to go when you want to cook this and why paneer rather than any other type of cheese i think a lot of people are really familiar with halloumi the way that it holds itself together it's not going to fall apart and paneer is the same as that it's an indian style of cheese it's a it's a mild taste but it's got a great really um firm texture so you can cube it up and fry it off and it will stay in one piece so I think for a lot of people if you stop eating meat you're looking for something really filling and satisfying

to chew on and paneer is really great for that. Now I know you stopped eating meat in 1989 which is quite a while. It's already looked like it. But how has being a vegetarian changed since then it's definitely got a lot easier i think a lot of people see the amount of veggie and vegan products on the shelves going up all the time which is great but i would say that the food that i'm cooking is not relying on those packaged new inventions at all i'm cooking with vegetables and grains and pulses and dairy and things that aren't anything new maybe new ways of doing things hopefully giving people some new ideas but I'm not trying to encourage people to buy all those kind of new vegan products that you might see on the

shelves that's not the way I do it. The new fangled stuff. The new fangled stuff it's just not the way that I cook. You do it from fresh. Do it from fresh exactly I'm just adding the peas back into the pan now as well they were just frozen peas but obviously it's going to be pea season soon so you can use fresh peas if you want. It's not always easy for people to buy fresh from a green grocer or a farmer's market and those things are not always cheap either. How do you adapt recipes if you can't buy the ingredients fresh? I mean you've got some packets there yeah I've got frozen peas from the freezer which must be the number one most available vegetable in this country and I've got baby spinach which is also in a bag from the supermarket I would always try

and shop in my green grocer and try and reduce packaging as much as possible but I'm very lucky where I live in Bristol that is an option for me it's not an option for everybody and I'm well aware of that so I think encouraging readers to understand what can be changed what can be swapped around I'm answering questions constantly on Instagram from people asking me those sort of things like if a recipe for example includes butternut squash can I do it with sweet potato instead can those yes most of the time the answer is yes um for something like this if someone said i don't like peas what else could i use then i'm there and always trying to answer those questions but encouraging people to see new ways of putting a dish together so this basically is the spice cheese the mixed grains if you don't like peas

swap it for something else chop up some broccoli perhaps and mix that through or something else that you do like it's about getting some cheese some grains and some veg into this but if you want to swap it around that's absolutely fine what impact has social media had on and I hesitate to use the word fashion but I will the fashion for vegetarian eating social media is a huge part of of the way that my books come together because i'm constantly in this feedback loop with my readers i'm helping them hopefully think of new ways to cook and eat but they're helping me hugely because i'm constantly being asked questions i'm aware of what my readers want and need when i make something i can see

how often those recipes are saved i can't see who's I make something I can see how often those recipes are saved. I can't see who's saving them but I can see how many times they've been saved. I can see the questions that people want to know if it's quick weeknight dinners or ideas for things they can make for Pat lunch the next day. All those sort of things I'm constantly aware of what my readers need so every book that I write is a response to that. Well I have to say it was a very nice lunch it was very tasty but I did manage to avoid the little chilies on the top might have been a little bit over hot for me that was Ellie Pear. On Monday you can join Jane for the third in our series about teenage mental health, we've heard from doctors and from teachers,

and on Monday we'll hear from parents. From me for today, have a good weekend. Bye-bye. I'm Sarah Treleaven, and for over a year, I've been working on one of the most complex stories I've ever covered. There was somebody out there who was faking pregnancies. I started, like, warning everybody. Every doula that I know. There was somebody out there who was faking pregnancies. I started like warning everybody. Every doula that I know. It was fake.

No pregnancy. And the deeper I dig, the more questions I unearth. How long has she been doing this? What does she have to gain from this? From CBC and the BBC World Service, The Con, Caitlin's Baby. It's a long story, settle in. Available now.