WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Dr. Kim Metcalfe: Let’s Build Extraordinary Youth Together

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

In her new book, Let’s Build Extraordinary Youth Together, educator and youth advocate Dr. Kim Metcalfe issues a compelling challenge to parents, teachers, and policymakers alike: It’s time to stop pushing ideology and start raising empowered, resilient young people.She joins Emma Wiermann on WRFH to discuss. 

This is Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. I'm Emma Weirman. With me today is Dr. Kim Metcalf, author of Let's Build Extraordinary Youth Together. Her website is Extraordinary Youth.org. Hi, Dr. Kim. How are you doing today? I'm doing great. Thank you for having me on. Yeah, of course. So today we're going to be talking about your book, Let's Build Extraordinary Youth Together. So I heard that it's based on something called the positive youth guidance system. Could you talk about that? Yes. I actually, I'm an educational psychologist, and my focus was on child development. And I had a daughter in 2012 who tragically took her own life. I'm so sorry. And it really took me into a place of really, really looking at our children and finding out what's going on. And what I realized is that so many of our kids are living, they have.

have an adverse childhood experience. And those experiences can come from parents divorcing, a parent being an alcoholic or being addicted to some type of drug, but something that causes the child to not get all the emotional support that they need to grow into healthy human beings who have really good, positive self-image. So I wrote the book basically after looking at lots of different research and looking at what are we, what are the practices in our schools, what are the practices at home, what's going on. And I used the research to identify the best parenting style, the best discipline style, and how we help our children to develop a positive identity. So I put together a system, and it's called the Positive Youth Guidance System, and it just pulls together all of those pieces.

And it's all based on research. And my hope is that teachers and parents and anyone working with children will use that book and use the strategies to interact with children in ways that what I say is build extraordinary youth. And so my definition of an extraordinary youth is a young person who becomes an adult that makes positive contributions to their own lives, to the lives in their community, to their families, and hopefully to the greater to the world at large. So basically it's just a guideline. It's just solid strategies backed by research. and it's as simple as rather than discouraging children when they make a mistake, encourage them. And then I compare and contrast what it looks like if you're discouraging them, what things people say to discourage children when they make a mistake

and what things can be said that will encourage children to do better and to learn a skill. I think we don't remember that our children, they're not, they're not miniature adults, they're children. Yeah. And they need guidance. And when they make a mistake, rather than streaming and yelling and getting on their case, it's best to use strategies that make sure they have a positive self-image of themselves. And they don't start questioning, you know, I'm not good enough.

I'll never do anything right. Because once those messages start in a child's brain, a lot of times they will self-sabotage. and it's just because they don't have the skills to communicate appropriately. They don't have the skills to not make a mistake or not misbehaved. They do try to, you know, push boundaries. So the book is really all about how do we handle all these different situations? And more than that, how do we head off situations before they occur? So let me give you an example of that.

So you have a child that's going to be going out for the, you know, time they're a young adolescent, you're giving them a little bit of freedom. And so rather than just say, okay, you need to be in by 11 or 12, you want to talk to them about, you know, what things could prevent them from getting home at 11 or 12. And how can they make sure they can communicate with you? Is your phone charged up? Do you have a plan if this happens or that happen. So you just kind of go through some different situations so that they are prepared if something happens and they can keep their word. And they also know like what is going to happen if they don't get home at 11, right? So I have things like, you know, I would tell the kids, you know, if you're out

past your curfew and you're out an hour, then your next week when you go out, you lose an hour. So things like that, to let kids know, like, what's going to happen if they this or that. Then when they're out and situations arise, they've got some, they're thinking, they're cognitively thinking for themselves, hey, I talk about this with my mom or dad, so this is what I can do. And that way, you know, both the parent and the child are on the same page. So a lot of preventative strategies are also there. Yeah, so preventative instead of reactive. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Exactly. This is, Radio Free Hillsdale, 101.7 FM, and I'm Emma Weirman talking with Dr. Kim Metcalf, author of Let's Build Extraordinary Youth Together. So I want to ask you about something that I read when I was reading about your book. You said that

a generation of anxious, depressed, and angry young people is what we have right now, and it's not their fault that they are that way. Could you talk about maybe who or what is at fault for young people today having to endure the psychological and emotional turmoil that they do? Well, believe it or not, I'm making this connection in the next book that's coming out, believe it or not, it is so, it's the adult who, just think about our kids right now, what's going on. Think about all the things they've been through from, you know, the COVID-19, the lockdowns, telling our American children that America's a racist country, pulling down statues, repeatedly telling our kids that, you know, they're related, you know, our white children,

oh, you're, you know, everybody in your family, you're white, you're racist, your DNA is racist. I mean, we are just literally pouring so much negativity into our children. And blame. Yeah, you know, we have racism. Every country has racism, believe it or not. It's not just America that has it. But it's not to the point. where our kids can't make it.

They're not oppressed. They're not victims. And we need to stop telling them that over and over and over because you can see the outcome of that right now just by looking at the riots and the unrest and what's going on in communities across the United States. Thank God I live in a basically a real Christian community. and we help each other and we work together, and it's a smaller community, and we're very connected with each other. But a lot of our kids, they don't have that connection.

And so they're looking for connection. And so one way they get connected is to go out into the street and scream and yell and fight against, you know, well, right now it's no kings. And it's something, but it's gotten really bad. We are entire, our country is completely divided. And these are adults now. These are young adults a lot of times and older adults. But just imagine what our kids are hearing and seeing and experiencing every single day. Even when they go to school, they're being abused in so many of the schools.

Imagine right now that you are an American child and you're sitting. in a classroom and you have a teacher telling you how bad America is, how racist they are, how you don't want to fly the American flag because it scares you. I looked at hundreds and hundreds of videos, Emma, and I was shocked to hear what some adults are saying to children in the classroom. Yeah, in the classroom. It is beyond belief. The abuse, American children are.

American. That's part of their identity. Yes. When you tear that identity down, you are harming those children. So I want to say when we, the people, vote for politicians who do everything in their power to label us, stereotype us, divide us, shame us, blame us. We are not doing anything good for our children. So the bigger picture is we, the people need to take back our country for the the sake of our children. Absolutely. Because we are destroying them.

Absolutely. Yeah, Dr. Kim, I agree with everything you just said. I'm actually a part of that generation that has just recently finished kind of growing up and is now entering adulthood. I'm 21 years old. I got to experience a public school and in an area of the country in New York that is definitely on the side of, let's just say, leftist type ideology. and it is amazing actually because it's almost like we're trying to disable us before we enter adulthood rather than enable us with the skills that we need. It's actually shocking. And it's such a good point you made about the identity of being an American.

And because humans want identity and belonging. I've always felt that I want identity and belonging. And luckily I have that in my faith in Jesus Christ. And also in being an American, I was able to find that. despite what some adults told me at school because I had wonderful parenting and a wonderful church community and such, but not everyone has that. And it makes total sense that they're going out into the streets and they're riding because they're looking for that identity. It just makes so much sense if that's a community, if that's where I feel that I belong or that I have some

solidarity with people, whether it be in the LGBTQ community or just in any sort of sectional community where they can find that identity. But that's really honestly quite toxic because they're taking away identity that they can have and being an American, something that involves freedom and just saying they can be proud of. And they're telling that they can't have that. And so they are grasping at something else. I mean, I feel that. I see that myself because I am that generation, you know. Someone said, if you don't believe in God, if you don't have anything that you believe in, they can make you believe in something that isn't really good for.

you. And that's what's happened. I mean, I don't know. Have you been watching any of the clips of the cities and people? I mean, I'm not talking about peaceful marching because you don't want anyone to be deported. And, you know, because they're being deported, it's like we're under kingship. Right. Right. But there's no critical thinking in that at all. Because first of all, if Donald Trump was really a king, they wouldn't be out in the streets able to destroy Trump. certainly not be allowed to say that. Yeah, throw bricks and cinder blocks and at police officers

and the Marines, I cannot believe it, the Marines that sign up to go and protect our country get attacked and these people are saying, shame, shame, shame and they're waving flags from other countries. That's atrocious. And our Americans are marching with them. Like, why is this okay?

We are too privileged. We don't know what we have. They need something to belong to. Yeah. And we are so privileged. We have something wonderful to belong to. We are in the United States of America, for goodness sake. You have the freedom to even be allowed to protest.

But they don't seem to understand the flags of the other countries that they are waiving do not have the same rights. And you would not be able to wave those flags or post us in the streets in many of those countries. And it's honestly a shame. And we had a group that just went to wear Egypt to try to protest, and bring food in and do all. these things and they were turned away. It's like, get out of here. Who do you are? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A political party that really exit on, right? And they keep saying things like, you know, Donald Trump is Hitler. We have to resist. We have to fight back. So now, you know, we get all of this unrest. Well, our children

are watching that. Yes, yes. And they're watching people who have already been indoctrinated. And so we have to stop it. Or they're going to be. the same. They're not, they're not going to have a sense of belonging and they're going to go out into these movements that absolutely destroy their lives. Yes. Yeah, we have new children being born every day. I mean, maybe perhaps we've failed a generation that has just passed. Perhaps we could say in a way that maybe my generation was failed a bit by, by the parents and the teachers in some instances, but we still have a chance. And I think that's why it's so important what you're talking about, that we see that it comes to pass with the children that are now in this environment.

Because, my goodness, our country is changing every single day. I mean, this society is changing. And we certainly can't just let it happen and throw our hands up. I think that's for sure. So you talked about transforming both the homes and the classrooms, because obviously those are two important aspects. Can you talk about the significance of both the home and the classroom as an environment for developing? Sure.

it's really about how you set up the classroom and how you set up the home. So kids need routines. Yeah. They need boundaries and they need encouragement and they need direction. And so the strategies that I recommend are all about how do you create a home that has all of those tools. And so let's in a classroom. So I work a lot with kids that have had experienced trauma, and I mean adverse childhood experiences. Okay.

So what would you do in a classroom? So in the classroom, I have teachers set up what we call a solving problem section, a chill-out section. So when you have a child that is disruptive and, you know, getting, basically disrupting the classroom, there's always like there's a reason for that, right? There's always a reason for the behavior. So there's even misbehavior. The child's trying to get something. So based on research, there's four different types of behaviors children will have in a classroom.

So they'll be really angry, really disruptive. Well, those are kids that feel that they have no power. So what do they need? they need to have some power. You have other children who they do not believe they can do the work. So they procrastinate. Yes. And they, you know, I need to drink a water.

My pencil broke. I don't have paper. Different things like that. So in that situation, they need attention. That's what they need. And so that's why they're misbehaving. They need some attention. And then you have other kids.

that are procrastinating because they really don't know how to do the work. Okay. Yeah. They need step-by-step instruction from their teacher. Instead of saying, do you work, do you work, the teacher would go over to the child. And, you know, when they're disrupting and they need this and they need that, you would go over. And instead of saying, you know, do your work, do your work. You'd say, you know, let's start the work together, you know, and you want to break down things into steps.

And that helps them to get started on the assignment and finish the assignment. assignment. So instead of looking at the child like, why are you disrupting the class? Why are you being so bad? I'm going to send you the principal. I'm going to send you outside. Stop doing that. Stop doing that. That's because you're not meeting their need. They just keep doing the same thing. So it's like a vicious cycle. So the strategy when you go up and to help them step by step, now you're using a strategy that really addresses the root problem, right, where they're present because they don't not believe that they can do the work. All right? And then you have kids who are, you know, they're just angry, you know, and they're powerless. And then you have other kids who are very, very shy, very withdrawn. They don't get a lot of support at home. They've had a lot of adverse experiences. They don't understand the relationship between cause and effect. So one of the great solutions for every single one of these problems and behavioral problems is to give children a choice, right? So you can say, at school, you can say, you know, you can go to the chill-out section, or I can help you, we can go step by step, or, right, so you're giving them choices.

That restores their sense of power. It restores their sense of control, but you're still getting them to participate and do something, right? rather than just sending them out of the classroom. Now, on that note, I do want to say this. We have too many children in our classrooms who have been disrespectful to teachers, who have become violent to their peers and their teachers. I think there's something like 60-something percent of teachers reported that they are afraid to go to the classroom. Oh, my goodness.

That's crazy. And that's a high number. That is ridiculous. Yeah, that's not acceptable. So how do you turn that classroom into a community where everyone's working together? So you have different stations, problem solving station, chill out station. You have a wheel of choice so the kids can get a choice. So you could go up to a child that's procrastinating or go up to a child that's constantly disrupting,

making jokes all the time. And you go up to them and you say, hey, here's a wheel of choice. I see you're struggling right now with some self-control. What are some other things you can do? And I actually have a class on my website. that helps teachers and parents turn their homes and the classrooms into building extraordinary youth. And it really comes down to the setup and routines. Same thing at home.

Child comes home from school. They have a choice. You want to do your homework first and go out and play until dark, or do you want to go out and play for an hour and then come in and do your homework? Since I don't know how long it's going to take you to do your homework, you can play for an hour and then you can play for an hour, and then you come in. Most of the kids are going to say, I'll do my homework person,

then I want to go out, you know, and have a longer time to play. So you give them choices, but whatever choice you give them, you're okay with that choice, right? Yeah. And so you're okay if they decide they're going to go out and then they have to come in. And then they might learn, oh, tomorrow, I think I'm going to do my homework first so I can stay out longer once I get out. And so what you're doing is you're developing their cognitive processes

and you're helping them to think for themselves. They get to decide, hey, I want more time to play. I am going to do my homework first. And then you check the homework, and you make sure that the homework was done. And then they get to go outside, right? So you are stopping all of the arguments and the, you know, this is how it is, period. Emma, I heard, I saw a meme the other day, and it was so funny. Okay, what was it?

It was from the 50s. The little girl says to her mom, mom, I think I'm a boy. And the mom goes, well, you're not. There's the end of that. Yes. Oh, that was so funny because I thought, yeah, we've gotten so great. We aren't, you know, and I'm not blaming parents, you know, and I'm not even blaming teachers because they're, everybody's so busy. They want teachers to, you know, be psychiatrists and psychologists.

and they want them to do all of these things. And a lot of teachers, you know, they might not understand that, hey, that's beyond my wheelhouse. Yeah. I'm not going to talk about those things. I'm not going to go there. And teachers that did try to stand up for themselves and do the right thing, got fired and terminated. Yeah. Parents are trying to complain about things that get thrown out of school board meetings.

The FBI goes to their house. My goodness. And this goes back to who are we voting for. Yeah, definitely, full circle. that amazing? Yeah, that is amazing. Your children, everything they have and don't have and will get or won't get is all dependent on the policies made by the politicians we elect. Certainly, yeah, definitely full circle. There's a lot of importance in our vote, and I think we take that more seriously, absolutely. And especially in the midterms. Oh, miss out the midterms. The midterms and your

local politicians, they have so much control. Absolutely. Your governor, your local politicians, your sheriff, all of them have control. They can decide whether they're going to go out and stop a riot or whether they're going to let it proceed. Yeah. Think about that. Think about how that affects our children. Absolutely.

Everything goes back to the children. Yeah, it does. Yeah. So how can people access more of the children? more of this information or some helpful resources on your platform, where can they go? They can just, once you go to my website, Extraordinary Youth.org, there are, I have two classes there for parents and teachers or any adult. I mean, you don't, if you're even taking care of children, you know, you can look at that and figure out, you know, how to set up your, the space,

how to set up the home. And I give a lot of details in there, like a lot of examples. They can also email me with a question. Yeah, that sounds great. So Dr. Metcalf, if there was something you wanted to say, exposing that people should really hold on to after listening to today's podcast, what would it be? So I think that the most important thing for all of us to remember is that children are

children, they do not have the cognitive, creative, social, emotional, and physical skills that an adult has. And also, their frontal cortex where they make really important decisions is not fully developed until they're 25 years old. And what does that mean for us as adults? How can we encourage our children and help them to be proud of who they are? So for me, it's all about the interactions we have with our children. And the research supports that. Helping our children build a positive self-image, which is different from self-esteem, because even really bad people in prison have really good self-esteem.

They feel really good about themselves. I'm talking about creating young people that look in the mirror and they are proud of who they are, and it allows them to live joyful, productive, meaningful life. To do that, they have to be able to think for themselves. So the indoctrination going on in our schools, parents need to really fight against that. And what I mean is if the school is not being sensitive to the needs of parents and children, then the parents need to be sensitive. And the parents, if they use strategies and they turn their homes into places that build extraordinary youth,

it can happen. And I think you're like a good example of that. Thank you. You know, you're 21 years old and look at what you're doing already. You're not out in the streets. You're not writing. You're not saying how terrible your country is. No, certainly not. You're proud to be an American. Indeed, I am. You recognize the privileges that we have in America. And that's what we want to do for our children. We want to raise children who feel good about themselves. So we need to fight. back against the negativity that's being thrown on our children. Okay. Not all white people are racist. That's a lie. I know I'm multiracial and I can tell you right now that I have a lot of white relatives and they are not racist. We need to stop telling our children those things. Absolutely.

It's very hurtful and it's wrong. And we need to stop telling people that they're victims. Stop telling our children. You're a victim because of your race or you're a victim because you're a woman or you're a victim because you're, you know, from another country. Stop with the victimhood stuff. Absolutely. You are not helping children when you tell them they're victims. So us as adults get material that talks about positive child guidance, positive use, discipline. Any material from those resources are going to be good.

You can use my material, but there's other people that have really good, positive discipline strategies. Make sure that you're thinking about your child's temperament and personality. It might be very different from yours. What do you do with that? How do you interact with children who are not like you, who are different? What do you do? How do you take a child that has a defeatist attitude and turn them into a child who looks at life with hope and care and respect and believe that they can make all of the dreams they have come true. How do you do that? And my work is really about that.

Yes. Thank you so much. And the other thing I'll just say, last thing to say is if you don't want to check out my website, definitely look at the research. Just type in parenting styles according to Bomren, B-A-U-M-R-D-M-D. and find out what she says about parenting styles. For parenting styles, the best one, authoritative parenting style. So that's Bomrand, B-A-U-M-R-I-N-D?

Yeah, Bom-R-R-R-I-N-D. All right. Well, thank you so much to Dr. Kim Metcalfe, who is with us today. She's the author of Let's Build Extraordinary Youth Together. You can find out more information on extraordinary youth.org. And I'm Emma Weirman on Radio Free Hillsdale, 101.7 FM.