WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo? Dealing with the Family

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

What if his family is CRAZY! This and more from Greg and Emily on the topic of working through family differences and difficulties. 

That man doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete. I'm George. George McFey. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo?

The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Wherefore Art Thel Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day. But sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friend's relationship questions and concerns.

So, Greg, we just came off of a long weekend, didn't we? We had a big celebration. My cousin got married this weekend and it was really, really fun. Lots of partying. It was definitely a very, very exciting event filled with family. All of everybody was there. My siblings that are cross country, I have a brother out in Portland and a sister in Virginia. And so they all were there. It's just really special. Yep. So this was a great break for me because I got to take a break from all the weather up in Ohio. Got to take a break from. The clients that I see and got to see a young couple in love in 75-degree weather. And so, yeah, this has been a great weekend. Way to rub it in there. Yeah, well, you know. Definitely a temperature shock for me going from the 75-80-degree weather back to 11 degrees. So, my- Yeah, it's kind of weird actually, swimming down here in, you know, February.

Yeah, my brain couldn't quite handle the fact that I was packing shorts, T-shirts, and chocos, and then I had to wear jeans and a sweater when I came back and my coat. I just, yeah, that was quite entertaining. But thankfully, safe travels, which was good. But I'm also kind of running on six hours of sleep because I didn't get back until about 4 a.m. last night. So this is going to be fun, talking about relationships you have asleep and me and, in relax mode.

So what are we going to talk about today? So I thought that since we spent a weekend with family, it might be kind of fun to talk about family and what that looks like dealing with your family in the context of a relationship. So one of the students from the college actually thought that perhaps one of the biggest challenges to relationship might be dealing with the other person's family.

And I actually think that's really fair. that's something that we've had a lot of conversations about as a family as we've had as I've had siblings get married and start their own families and what that looks like so definitely well yeah I mean it's definitely going to be the case because if you think about it you're throwing more relationships into the mix I mean it's hard enough to be in a relationship with one other person with all of your differences now you start adding in you know multiple personalities and the family that you're interacting with that have, you know, their relationship with their daughter or son. And it just really is something that, you know, we all have to navigate.

And then on top of that, I think it's important to understand is that the relationship you have with this other person is going to include their family like it or not. And, you know, John Dan Epp in his book, How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette, even talks about that it's even if even if the families across the world even if the family has passed away you know the mother and father had passed away and there's still going to be the aspect of that family dynamic that's going to play out in a relationship so yeah it is definitely something that we all we can't think that we're going to be able to run from or we're not going to have to deal with it Okay, so are you saying then that like no matter whether your family has died or whether you've been disowned or whether you are really involved with your family, that the influence of the family of origin in which you grew up is always going to impact how you run your own family?

Yeah, it's going to have some impact. Because think about it. I mean, even if you grew up in a home that you, you know, hated and you had a lot of disharmony in there, you know, people that run from that or leave that situation, then will either exhibit some of the things that they don't like and not think about it. Because, I mean, again, I'm not trying to sound negative, but there's times I was like, I'm never going to be like this part of my dad. And now I'm doing the same thing that you did. So, but there's also this, sometimes it's the opposite, which is I never want to be like them. My dad was this way, your grandpa. He grew up in a home where his dad was an alcoholic and didn't have much reaction or interaction.

And in fact, I'll never forget the one time my dad came back to the car. I think I was young, I think I was like a teenager, 13 years old, saw my, my dad crying because I found out later that it was the only time he had ever heard his dad say, I love you. And so my dad said, I'm not going to be like that. And he wasn't. So in some ways, it's going to affect you. You're either going to be like, I want to keep some of those aspects of life or I want to get rid of. Yeah. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. When you're going to start your own family. I mean, we have our families of origin, that family unit, that that nuclear family unit. But then eventually we have to start our own nuclear family. So when we're going to start our family,

what kind of boundaries do you suggest putting up with your own family during the dating process, you know, as you're trying to get to know that person and potentially start a life with them? Like how do the boundaries progressively get more serious between your family and your relationship? Okay, there's a lot to that question. And I would say really boundaries should only be, I mean, we're always going to have boundaries with different people. Even in our own family, before we get into a relationship, we have kind of our boundaries because of our personality, because of the way we deal with things. but, you know, the focus on boundaries usually happen when there are things that we have to. And I hate to say, well, I'm just going to say it this way, protect ourselves from something,

whether it's, you know, family dynamics that can be very hurtful or intrusive. But I also think it's important to be careful of setting boundaries with family when you're in the dating phase too because you want your families well again it depends on the family this is the hard part because i know some people would be like i i don't want my family's opinion because um i had a very rough childhood i had a very um abusive family life i had a very negative and so um man too you threw out a big one there i realized there was a lot more to that question than i that i that i So I guess maybe so so what we're saying here then is that when you're in the dating process considering maybe that your family is is a fairly healthy family and you would want their input on things

you you would want to not necessarily cut yourself off from seeking their approval, their help, their assistance, their advice. Yeah, definitely because I see too many people that tried to do it on their own. they didn't listen to their family, they thought that they knew better, or they kept things from their family that wasn't necessarily good. And I think that you've got to be careful with that because that's even when relationships that you shouldn't be in could come to light. And you can see better if either a good friend or family member helps you recognize that. But I think sometimes people don't look to get all the information from friends and family and just kind of put the

whole picture together if that makes sense. Yeah. Because also your family and friends, hopefully are the ones that know you the best. And if they know you the best, they can kind of help you see maybe some of the some of the things that you're more blind to or some of the things that another person pulls out in you or doesn't pull out in you that are good or bad right right so i think in that dating dating stage you really want to just gather information you want to gather information about even the person that you're or dating what their family is like and again it's not one of those where you're going to find the perfect person with the perfect family. I think we all kind of dream of that, but you're going to see those cracks in the

foundation. The question is, I think that's something you want to be looking at too, is how does their family dynamics work in such a way that they're growing, they're learning, versus they just are lost in their dysfunction. Yeah. This is a reminder that you're listening to Wherefore Art Thel Romeo, where we are discussing the question of family and how. how to deal with that within a relationship. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed to marriage therapist, Greg Shuddy, here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. So getting to know their family is definitely really important, and that's part of the whole

experience. I definitely, it's been interesting for our family as we've welcomed new members into that, into that unit and try to figure out how to build those boundaries. with our in-laws and like how they influence us and and their their kids that join our family. What are your thoughts on how to have those boundaries after you actually fully join the family? You get married and then you're starting your own family. Well, you know, as you are getting involved with a family, it's really getting to know the different people, getting to try to build a relationship,

but it's also knowing what do I need, me and my spouse need to really build our own life together. And with that, you know, the boundaries are going to come where I can't just tell my family and they can't just tell their family everything about what's going on. You know, and that's hard because in some ways that feels like a betrayal and some families that are very close, that can become a part where we're fighting.

It's like, no, this is my family. I love my family. I trust my family. Right. But you are now creating your own life together. So there has to be those boundaries where when you have problems. And one of the reasons is when you have problems, you should be focusing on working through it with that person and not running to mom and dad.

So it's almost like, sorry. It's almost like having that best friend that you can confide in and you know that they're not going to go and tell all of your intimate personal secrets. I mean, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. And so in a sense, that's where you are able to put all of your intimate details and information without it getting spread to the four winds or talked about behind your back. You're actually addressing it with each other. Yeah. You know, and that's the thing about, I think that's the hardest part about even doing this podcast is relationship dynamics are just varied. And just when you want to say, look, when you're dealing with families, these are the boundaries you should have.

Well, guess what? Every family is going to be different. And that's why it's important to really, especially in the dating phase, get to know someone's family. and get to know the dynamics that play out in that family. It's important to see, does the person that I'm dating truly recognize the difficulties in their family, or are they just running from it? Because I've seen that happen where they're like, you know, the podcast we did before with your mom. Your mom really knew what was going on in her family, the difficulties, and she was trying to figure

out how to take the best of that and really reshape kind of the harder parts for our own family. Whereas her brother didn't. He ran from it. And those kind of those things came back to to really haunt. So does that makes. Yeah. Yeah. That does make sense. I guess. Okay. So kind of to take from your point of like that harder family background, what do you do if their family is crazy? You've really fallen for this person, but their family, you know, okay, either they could be really crazy or they just have some dysfunction that's really hard. How much do you, as the individual in their relationship, seek to reconcile with your own family or that your spouse's family, depending on who is on the crazy spectrum? What, how do you, like, should you try to maintain those family

connections if there's just all of that hurt. Well, again, you have to be open and honest with each other as a couple. You really have to look at these things and talk about the struggles that you have with that. And then together we have to, or maybe sometimes it's a third party because I've had to do that in therapy sessions where I'm trying to help couples really look at the situation for what it is. And sometimes it's hard when you are so close to the situations, even with the people that will tell me I know my family's crazy, but I still, you know, I still have to love them or I still have to deal with them or whatever it might be. So that's where we talk about, okay, how can you still

have a relationship but build boundaries? And the first thing that you've got to remember is you can't change your family. You can't force them to do what you want. You can't stop them from doing things, but you can draw the line in the sand of, if I had to do this with, you know, your grandpa, not my dad, but your mom's dad, when he would say things to me that were disrespectful. And I had to put that boundary of, you're not going to do this to me.

And if so, then I'm, you know, I'm leaving the room. I'm, you know, and try to do it as respectful as possible. So you have to build boundaries. You have to figure out how is a couple you, support each other through that. And then you just have to remember that we're creating our own life together. Yeah. So yeah. And I've, I've known some, some people, and I'm not going to name them, but friends of ours that have family that they've had to literally block out of their life because they've recognized that nothing good is going to come from that because of the dysfunction.

They try to love. They still do what they can't. to respect, but, you know, the family, they just can't trust that, especially with their kids. So, yeah, that's the hard ones. Yeah, for sure. And that's really interesting when you get into the aspect of siblings of people who are starting relationships. It's been interesting for me as one of seven to watch some of my older siblings get married and start their families.

And what I've really, I've noticed is how intentional they are about trying to start their nuclear family. And that can be really hard for me because I'm really close to my siblings. And I want to have that same relationship that we had before, but we can't really have that anymore. And that's something really interesting to walk through as a family is that you can still have those relationships and those connections. It's just going to be different from what you used to have. And I think that those growing pains are very, very real. And I get it. Those are hard. And I think it's really, it's interesting to kind of watch that. Greg, do you have any thoughts about this, about how you would suggest walking through this? Yeah, as you were saying this, it just comes down to the fact that

relationships are a growing process. They never stay the same. So as siblings, you're not going to relate to your brother the same way you did when you were four. You're not going to relate to, you know, all of that changes throughout time. And when they get married, that brings in new dynamics and you have to re-figure out how to, you know, be a part of their life. And so, you know, that's the whole thing about we can't grow comfortable in our relationships. We have to keep working at them. We have to, you know, there's times when we grieve the changes. And, you know, your siblings have done that when one got married and moved out.

We grieve the loss, but now we have to create anew. And we have to always, you know, work with those relationships. And even with, you know, in-laws, I've had that where even though it might have been great in the beginning, it changed. Or if it was hard in the beginning, sometimes you have those moments of reconciliation. So that's the biggest thing I would say is, you know, we always have to work at it. We have to know when to put boundaries. But you also can't try to recreate what you had in your family in your new family. family. Yeah. Because too many people try to do that. Well, we did it this way. Well, you know, it always

worked for us. Or the one I hate is, well, this is how I was raised. And so, you know, it's good for me. And I turned out fine. Well, it's like, yeah, but your kids are different than you. And yeah, how do you, I guess this is my last, last question for you then is how, how are you handling that as a parent? You know, because it's kind of, I guess, in some ways similar to the siblings watching, but it's also you raised that child. And what is that like trying, like having to give up that relationship in some ways? Well, and it's not that I'm giving it up. It's just that it's changing. I think it's, it's for me and my role, it's, there's a grief of the loss of everybody being in the same home. But, you know, me and your mom, one of the biggest things that we continue to try and do.

do even though we're moving to different states and having new spouses and all of that, it's how do we create this new life together? How do we stay unified the best that we can? And so it's got to be something that we work at. And I think that that's part of what we're handling. And I think, you know, in some ways, maybe I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to say it, which is you start to have to let go of some things and just be okay with it. It's like, okay, this is your life now. I've done the best I can. I love you. I'll pray for you. If you want my advice, I'll be more than happy to give it to you. But you step back and go, you know, I have to let you grow and learn. And so, yeah, it just changes. But you have to be, you have to decide how you're

going to still keep that connection. Yeah, you got to be open to the change, but not break the bond because it's still important. Your family is really important, even. if your relationships change. I think that's something that I've definitely been, become very aware of throughout my life, and I'm very grateful for my family. And I just want to remind you that relationships are process. It takes time and effort, and we just want to help you balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged, because if you still haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, plan a prank. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to Eshote, S-C-H-U-T-E at Hillsdale.edu, and we will

discuss them in future shows. If you're interested in listening to our previously produced episodes, you can check them out wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for Whereforethar, Romeo. I'm Emily Shuddy. And I'm Greg Shuddy on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7F.