WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: FACES -- Attitudes, Actions, and Apologies

Episode Date: October 10, 2025

In this week's episode, Greg and Emily discuss the two primary roles of the conscience as well as some tendencies that can show a well or poorly formed conscience. They also explore the role of the apology in building and maintaining relationships. 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep anyone off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships

and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Where For Art Thou Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friend's relationship questions and concerns. Welcome back to the show, Greg. Hey, good to be here, even though today's been a little bit chaotic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we have no internet over here, and you're probably wondering, how is he talking to his daughter, you know, three hours away. Well, luckily I have a hot spot on my phone. Oh, man. Yeah. That's so stressful. I love it when that happens. Technology and me aren't friends. Hopefully all of that gets fixed, though.

Well, I've got a cup of coffee, so life is good. Well, today in Cupid or Stupid, I actually have a fun story of my own. This is, I would say, probably a little bit more on the Cupid side. Last semester, at the very end of the semester, I had a friend put together something called the Blind Dating Ring. And the idea of it was that they wanted to combat something on Hillsdale's campus that we call Hills Dating, which is, where you spend a lot of time with a person and are basically dating but never really define the relationship. So someone thinks you're dating on the one hand and the other person has no idea, just thought you were studying together or something. It's something to that effect. It's kind of

just an ambiguous relationship. So their goal in this was to just normalize going on a fun date that was not super high pressure. And so the way that it worked was that you actually all went, It was a group of 15 men and 15 women. None of the women knew who the men were on the list and none of the men knew who the women were on the list. And we all went to this friend's house. And she and a couple other people that she was doing it with, like organizing it with, they put together each person with another. So each guy was set up on a date with a girl.

And they were told both what they were doing and where they were going. and where they were going, as well as given a question that they could ask on the date in the event that maybe conversation was kind of struggling. So I got there. I was a little nervous about it. It felt a little odd. Like, I don't know. I kind of felt like it is. It just felt like a move of desperation in some ways. It certainly wasn't. That's not what it was meant to be. It was just supposed to be fun. And so I got my little envelope with the person I was going on the date. with. It was someone I did actually know. And our date that we were supposed to go on was we were supposed to go to Walmart and get a game and take that game to Dairy Queen and eat ice cream while playing the game. The games that we chose were banana grams and Uno. Oh, nice. Which was actually really fun because I think for me sometimes I can do fine in a conversation, but sometimes it's a little challenging for me to think of things to talk about if I don't have something to do with my hands.

And so having something that we could work on together, even though we were kind of competing against each other in the games, allowed for us to have some good conversations. And I don't know that I'd ever do it again, but the concept was really fun. And the guy was just really sweet. It was a nice opportunity to get to know someone better that I didn't know as well. And we're still friends. We're not like super close or anything, but it just, it wasn't weird. the pressure was taken away. And I just really appreciated that. So something I don't know that I ever would have thought to do, but my friends really encouraged me to try it. And it was super fun. I think that that's a great idea. And I think that they should do that more, especially if there are people that are, you know, that's more of a struggle because it takes the pressure off. It's not like we're going on this serious state. And we have to, you know, decide, is this the next person I'm going to marry? Not the next person. Maybe I should say the first person I'm going to marry.

But I like the idea of the game. And the reason for that is because you'll learn a lot about a person by how they play a game. And me and mom found out a lot when we played Scrabble early on in our relationship. So, yeah. Yeah. We don't play that anymore because we want to stay married. Sometimes there are just those games, I guess. Oh, I think that that's a great idea.

Hopefully they do that more. Yeah. And it was also so nice because then the date was only like an hour and a half, maybe two-ish hours. and then everybody who did the event as a whole went back to the house after their date and we all hung out and played games and ate food. And it was nice because then we got to meet other people and talk to other people. And of course, they're all people from around campus. So just people that it's nice to know anyway.

Do you know if any of those that went on a date ended up going on to date more? To be honest, I have no clue. Have no clue. I've kind of tried to keep my nose out of relationship business as much as possible. Even though you talk about it on this show. Even though I talk about it because I've really learned that it's none of my business. Just a reminder, you're listening to Wherefore Art Thal Romeo, where we are discussing our keep-it-or-stupid topic and staying out of people's business. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist Greg Shuddy here on Radio Free Hill.

Dale 1.1.7 FM. So what did we finish up with last time? So last time we were talking about the second letter in our getting to know somebody acronym Faces. So the first one that we were discussing was family background. And then last time we were talking about attitudes and actions of the conscience. I think we were also known as the Jiminy Cricket of, you know. Yes, it's the little voice in the back of your head and kind of your conscience be your guide how yes how how are you formed how is your conscience formed morally and how does that impact your ability to be in relationship and paying attention to that when getting to know someone so today we wanted to talk about the two roles of the conscience and what we mean by conscience so gregg you had some thoughts about this yeah no that's i think that

that was important to bring up here because sometimes we say conscience and it's just like any common term that's out there I make sure when I'm talking to couples that we define it whether it be trust whether it be love because you know sometimes we we think we know until we realize we don't fully know and so yeah the conscience provides kind of two things for us one it's the manager of our attitudes and our actions so it's a thing in the back of our head or in the middle of our head or wherever it is in our head, that's basically saying, you know, this is right, this is wrong, this is good to do, hey, maybe that's not the smartest thing to do. And, you know, it's usually guided by how we were formed in these areas.

And so there's a checklist here that I found that talks about just uses some ideas of unhealthy consciences. But I'll get to that in a second. But the second thing is, which I think is really important, is being able to be able to be. able to get out of your own world and into the other person's world, being empathetic, not necessarily sympathetic, but empathetic. Can you walk in someone's shoes? Can you look from their perspective or even willing to try? Because that's a huge one that if you have someone that you're dating that has a difficulty

seeing from your perspective and always has to be right, that's a red flag. You know, someone who can have that emotional, they call it emotional intelligence. where, you know, we can connect with someone's emotion and really get into their world. And that's something that's really huge for, you know, someone that you're dating. Okay, so, you know, just, here's just kind of some things to think about. Unhealthy conscience is someone who's very egocentric, focused on self, always thinking about how something affects him or her, not others, never acts on behalf of another without being prompted. Hey, go help your brother. Wants others to do what he or she, won't do. Think about that one. Thoughtless when emotional. So when they get emotion, they do things

that don't think about, you know, how it would affect the other person. Never apologizes, always defensive when you have a concern or a complaint, puts more emphasis on what he or she can get than give. So these are just some ideas of that versus some of the healthy consciences would be things like someone who thinks about the other person's feelings, not just their own, someone who initiates things that meet another's needs, not just his or her own needs. Once a balance between what you give and what they give and tries to think before speaking, especially when they're upset.

So again, it's these these consciences really are there to guide us. And if you find that someone, you know, is unable to kind of stop themselves in doing behaviors that obviously is hurting the other person because they're so self-focused. In fact, some people would even call it, you know, you got to be careful. I'm just always labeling it something like narcissism. But that does play out in something like that. So I do have a question about the apologies part. That's something I'm thinking a lot about, especially a consideration.

considering some things that I've talked with you about in your own, your own experience of the role of apologies in relationships. And I'm wondering, is there an element of the apology is only necessary if you have intended the wrong or should you also apologize in the event that you have done something that hurts somebody even though that was not your intention? Like, are you still culpable for that? That's a great point. And I think today that's something that a lot of people argue tooth and nail about. I had a guy in class do this when I was teaching a marriage course because his whole perception or his struggle is with the fact that we live in a time where everybody is offended by everything. And that's an abuse of, you know, that whole realm of, you know, you have to apologize for looking at me wrong. You have to be, you have to apologize for your faith because you made the, I don't know, a sign. of the cross or something like that. Again, that's not good. But often what I focus more on is in a relationship what's important. When you're in a relationship with someone, that ramps it up

versus, okay, if I don't know you and I bump into, yeah, it's good to, hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. But I often ask, why should we have to apologize? And the first reason is, to admit that we hurt somebody and to open the door for healing because when we don't apologize, we keep the door shut and all we do is throw blame. You did this. No, you did this.

Versus, wow, I'm sorry, I did that. So you know that I can get into your world and go, this must have hurt you and I don't want to hurt you. So the apology is so important for rebuilding that connection and then figuring out how to make things better between us so that I don't keep hurting you. But the other one that I throw out in class is, do we have to apologize for the things we unintentionally do?

And I've had people fight me on that. So it's twofold. One is I claim, yes, you should apologize for the things that you didn't intend to do because it still hurt the person. And it doesn't mean that you're necessarily admitting to being this schlep. You know, it just means that, hey, I've hurt you, and I want to rebuild the connection. But if I go right into, well, that's your problem, you know, you're just too sensitive. Is that going to build a bond? No, it's going to push you away.

And so in marriage, we apologize for those things that hurt them that we didn't mean to because we still want to bring down the emotion and then eventually get to a conversation where it's, okay, what happened and what were you thinking so that we can get clarity. But if we automatically go in with our guns firing, it shuts everything down. This is where for Arthel Romeo, where we're discussing apologies in attitudes and actions of the conscience. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist, Greg Schuette here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. Now, let me add this to that last, the last point with that, which is if you find that one spouse is always apologizing just to stop the conflict, that's not good because there's there's those situations where one always is apologizing because it's just like I don't want to I don't want conflict but then they walk away resentful so that's also not good I recently had a situation with a good friend of mine where I said

something in a way that she was actually really hurt by and I did not intend it to be hurtful at all and I apologize to her later I my initial reaction was oh my gosh It was really not that big of a deal. Like, I don't, that's on her. Even though, like, she is a good friend of mine. And that is actually what I ended up latching on to because it kind of to point back to what you said was something that's important to consider under this attitudes and actions of the conscience is being willing to walk in someone else's shoes. Because I was able to take a step back and think, oh, she, you know, didn't take that in the way I intended. and she asked a simple question and I got competitive about whatever the situation was

and she didn't take it as a joke but as seriousness. And is my relationship with her, is winning this argument or is being right more important to me than my friendship with her? And that was the question I posed to myself because I realized it wasn't really that big of a deal, even though I did not say anything that I meant to be hurtful. Right. And not everybody in the group took it the way that she did. So it was just interesting to consider that because I think especially in relation to some

things that you have talked about with yours and mom's marriage and how that like that provided safety for the other person to begin considering their own role in the situation, I find that very helpful in taking that step to apologize because in a sense, you don't do it in order to get an apology back, but it can give freedom and safety to the other person to be able to ponder their own role in the situation rather than becoming defensive. Well, and the thing we have to remember is everybody has a story. And this is what we forget. You know, it's one of those things. if we're going to be in relationship with one another, it's important to know the story.

You know, even in marriage, sometimes you don't find out everything before you get married. You find it out in marriage and what do you do with it? So great, you could be right, but still destroy the relationship. And it's like, I love what you said. Yes, for the longest time, even there's so many people in marriage. And I did it in my marriage, too, where I fought to be right. but I didn't stop to go, why are you feeling this way? And so if we jump right into defending, we shut the door on being able to process and learn and go,

oh, that's why you took it the wrong way. But this is what I meant and then to go, oh, that makes sense. And we've connected and we've salvaged the relationship through this versus if we start off by going, that's stupid what do you think no no you don't care about me you just think the worst and it's like stop yeah when a simple apology could just bring down the emotion so that we can work through it so kind of considering this under the the topic of attitudes and actions of the conscience in a sense being emotionally adept being willing to self-reflect and walk in someone else's shoes are things that are really valuable when trying to be in a relationship but it's also

really important to see how people are capable of doing those different things when you're considering them, getting to know them, and looking at their conscience and the actions and attitudes of that. And the other thing to consider is what are you fighting so hard to protect? So many people, you know, they automatically fight back to say, because I don't, I didn't mean that. And I don't want to look like the bad guy. And it's like, okay, what are you trying to protect? Just yourself or the relationship? And, you know, is it really that big of a deal to just go, wow, I'm sorry. Help me understand. And so, yeah, I think that we would do a lot better if more people were able to do that. And I did that out of pride. I didn't want to look like the bad guy.

And so it's like, no, that's stupid. I didn't mean it and you need to let it go. Yeah, that's one of the hard ones. Apologizing and forgiveness are two of the biggest difficulties in marriage. And I always talk about it is giving and receiving mercy, because mercy is something that we all long for and we all should give. And it and it just like you said your point about your pride. I mean, it is just an act of just killing your pride because it's true. There is this sense of self-defense as opposed to a care for the other person in the relationship, be it friendship or romantic relationship. And so it is just that like, okay, got to really work on the fact that this is a me problem, not a them problem right now, even if there is, because obviously the old saying

takes two to tango, it's true, but it takes two to tango, which means it's also your problem. Yeah, well, and there's an integrity part in this too. Do we do it because it's the right thing to do, or do we do it because we expect something back? Let me use an example, because I had this issue with a coworker. We were both at fault. And so I thought, you know, I need to, to fix this. So I went over and I apologized to this person. And so I'm sorry for it. And I was hoping that they would say, yeah, I'm sorry too. But all I got was, yeah, that must have been really hard for you to have to say that. And I'm thinking, and everything inside me wanted to go, why wasn't the only one? That's, you know, I thought, no, no, no, no, no. The integrity thing is

I take care of my part of this. I would have hoped that they would have apologized back, But they didn't. I mean, that told me kind of where I stand with that person. But I think that that's, it's, you don't do it just because you're going to get something back. You do it because it's the right thing to do. And sometimes that's really hard. But again, in dating, that tells you something about the person, too. And it tells you about something that they're going to bring into marriage.

That's why this is an important part, this whole conscience thing. Because you can, you can learn a relationship skill, but it's harder to change, misinformed or a poorly formed conscience. It can be done, but it can't be one of those. I get married thinking, you know, I'm going to change them. My love will. No, it won't. You know, hopefully, hopefully they will do it in time. But. Yeah. It's just going to show you, can I rely on this person to love me and keep me safe emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever the case may be. And this is just a reminder that relationships are a process. They take time and effort. We just want to help you balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to

not be discouraged because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet yet, visit a butterfly house. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-Shoudi, E-S-C-H-H-U-T-E at Hillsdale.edu, and we will discuss them in future shows. Please check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your shows to catch anything you have missed or want to hear again. You can now follow us on Instagram at Romeo underscore Romeo 2003 or check out our website whereforearthell Romeo.transister.fm.fm. That's all for Whereforeartel Romeo. I'm Emily Shuddy. And I'm Jiminy Cricket, I mean, aka Greg Shuddy. I'm Radio Freehillsdale 101.7 FM.