WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?": FACES: Attitudes and Actions of the Conscience

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Join Greg and Emily as they discuss the second step in getting to know someone; learning about the foundation for their actions. In John Van Epp's book, How to Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk (or Jerkette), he discusses the acronym, FACES, and A stands for attitudes and actions of the conscience. This can be anything from political standing to matters of faith. Greg and Emily explore what to watch for when considering becoming more serious with someone. 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep anyone off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships

and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Where For Arthel Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shudy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friends' relationship questions and concerns. It's good to be back with you here on the first. the show, Greg. As always, it's fun to be back. You surviving with everything going on there at

school. So we just had this massive homecoming competition here at Hillsdale College. It's a little intense. We have competitions basically every day of homecoming week, but we start the competitions probably somewhere between a week to two weeks in advance with beginning mock rock practice. and mock rock is this big dance off competition we have every year between the dorms and it gets really, really intense. It can become really dramatic. People get really invested in their dorm and in winning the competition. It's honestly really fun and it's a great dorm building exercise. It's just trying to figure out how not to let it get to you during the week because it's very exhausting and as long days. And how to get all your homework done too.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So that's the thing. Sometimes things get put to the side. I need an excuse like that to skip a day of work. You could do a giant dance competition with your employees. Yeah. Well, they had to read a book. That would be a lot quiet.

Relax. I'm not into the dancing scene anymore. Well, I know that you have a funny story for us today. Well, yeah. In the whole theme of the Cupid or Stupid. concept that we were talking about is looking at different crazy stories and just doing a brief little look at it. So this one is very short, but I thought it was very interesting. So it goes like this. It's a young lady who says, I went on a date with an older coworker from my first job

at a supermarket. I was 20. He was 27. He took me to lunch and didn't let me order for myself. When the waiters came to ask what I wanted to drink, he cut me a off and placed both my drink and food order. He said, I need to meet his mom and brother soon and how we should get married and eventually have kids. He didn't know a single thing about me. I quit shortly after that and he'd message me on a social media now and then saying things like my then boyfriend didn't deserve me until I blocked him everywhere. Interesting. Interesting.

A little bit of crossing boundaries here and too much too soon. Yeah. I think this is mostly stupid. Yeah, I definitely, I don't think that the age difference is necessarily automatically a problem. No. Yeah, I don't even know that this is necessarily the issue at all in this scenario. It seems to be more of like just the fact that he was trying to have some very serious conversations really early on in a way that's kind of, like, I would be really, really uncomfortable if someone asked me those things when I didn't know them very well, regardless of whether it was a date or not.

So what do you think's going on with the 27-year-old besides desperation? He sounds a bit controlling. Yeah? I know that sometimes it's neat if the guy can order for you because he knows your order, but the thing is they don't know each other so he wouldn't know her order at all. Because like sometimes it's like a situation in which it shows that he has been listening. to what you like, but that's not what this situation is because it's such a new relationship. And one last thing I'd say here is how it relates to marriage is often in marriage, people lose sight of what their spouse needs and is often guessing, and that's where we get

ourselves in trouble. So if this guy's doing it on the first date, he's got a bad pattern that's going to need to be broken here fairly quickly. So, yeah, does not have to be that deep right off the bat can be, I don't know, a little more relaxed. Have some, have some small talk and some fun conversations about things that you guys like to do. Not about all of that stuff. It's just a little bit too much. You're listening to Wherefore art thou Romeo? That was Keep it or Stupid.

I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist, Greg Shuddy, here on Radio Free Hillsdale, 101.7 FM. So today we're going to continue talking about how to get to know somebody. The acronym by John Van App, the Faces acronym, the first one we've been talking about was family backgrounds. And last week we were looking at how parents may raise their kids, the parenting styles, and how we were raised and what that might indicate for us in relationships and what we need to know about how we were raised to be able to go into a relationship well. And this week, we are going to be moving into the second letter A and face a. And that stands for attitudes and actions of the conscience.

This is perfect timing because with this little ditty that I read, I was just looking at it again thinking, you know, one of the things he said is, I need to meet his mom and brother soon and talking about marriage. And so we just came out of the whole thing of relationships. And this is one of those, yeah, if it wasn't so scary in the first place, eventually she's going to want to meet the mom and brother. and family, because you're going to get to see how things play out. But that also leads into the attitudes and actions of the conscience because, you know, most of the time we start forming our attitudes about life and actions coming from our conscience and developing that conscience early on in our family life. So kind of a good segue there from that into what we're going to talk about today.

So as far as attitudes go, I suppose this could be something like, are you a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person? Do you approach people with just like an excitement for life or are you always kind of a downer? Those are kind of extremes on different ends. You don't necessarily have to be like extreme one way or the other. What are some thoughts that you have on what these attitudes might be towards life that people could have? Sure, and not to be confused with personalities. So that's where I would say when you're talking about the glass half empty, glass half full, or, yeah, is that that's more of a personality style. You know, we come at things and look at life differently and react towards life based off of our personality. but the attitudes and actions of the conscience are those things that are formed in us about morality, our values, the things that we believe in.

Sometimes it's what forms our political aim, you know, how we see right from wrong in the world. And I think that that's critical because we see such a diversity in our world around us. But now even in our society, we see such a polarization even. when it comes to politics and values and even faith. You know, we talk about right now, a lot of people talk about how we're in a post-Christian time in the United States. So it shows that there's these shiftings in how people view values and morals. So kind of that's what we're looking at here is how does someone, and what are those things

that really form their values and morals? And a lot of times it starts with the family, or it could be in reaction to the family. So if you grew up in a home that was very strict, you might find yourself having, you know, those same kind of strict values, or you could find yourself really pushing against that and moving towards, you know, no, I don't want to follow the faith of my family. And I'm sick and tired of that whole realm of faith. So I think what we're talking about here is do we take the time to really, understand what this person values, what their morals are. And in the same vein, we're going to talk about this through the next letter here without going ahead, which is, what are those make or

breaks for us? And we need to think about those, those things that are just a boundary crosser. And no, I want to marry someone who's of the same faith or the same political background. So that's kind of where we're talking with the whole how our conscience plays out in our attitudes and our actions. Does that make sense? Yeah. So let me see if I'm understanding you right. It's more of a matter of how you approach the world with your morality and how that influences your choices, whether those be for good or bad or even what you deem to be good or bad in the world. Right. And this is a key one to really think about because, you know, Here's something, and this is kind of jumping ahead because the last one we're going to talk about is skills. You know, the skills that we have to be successful in a relationship. And one of the questions that Dr. Van App kind of poses to people is,

would you rather someone who has a poor conscience but strong skills or someone who has poor skills and a strong conscience? I'll just throw that out to you. Which would you prefer? I know it'd be great to have both, but I'm just saying. Yeah, that's a really good question. I mean, because the people that I've found to have very different attitudes and actions of the conscience to me, but still have good skills of communication, we're able to have really good conversations about those things that we disagree on.

But a lot of times we never really come to a conclusion that I would prefer. as far as people that I think they have strong morals, but maybe not as strong skills of communication, it's hard to actually be accepting of those strong morals, even if I agree with those morals. If they don't present it well, I guess that's something that I just struggle with sometimes. And I would say I'd probably prefer that they be a person of good moral character, even if they're not great at communication all the time in how they present it. I don't know. That's so hard. I want the person to be like a good person.

It's hard when you don't have the full rounding out of skills. Well, I'm going to go back to my original concept that I throw out often to people, which is don't try and find the perfect person because you're never going to find them. We're all broken people. But find the person that's willing to become a better person. So one of the things that it doesn't mean that if someone has, you know, kind of loose morals or values that they can't change. I want to be very clear about that

because a lot of people, you know, will tell stories about how they lived a crazy lifestyle and then something really changed their heart and they converted. But one of the things that he says is that it's easier to learn a skill than it is to really change a set conscience. You're listening to Wherefore Art Thel Romeo where we're discussing attitudes and actions of the

conscience. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist Greg Shuddy here on Radio Freehillsdale 101.7 FM. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I definitely have noticed this even just in like, I'm in a public speaking class right now. And I do have skills of public speaking that I've, well, clearly that didn't come out right. So we'll see. Well, no, you were just example. You know, all my public speaking spills, you know, so good at words. No, but I do, I do have skills of public speaking that I have developed over the years of my life, even though they're not always perfect, but there are some people that don't necessarily have that. They've never really practiced that, and it is something you can practice and get better

at. And it doesn't always mean you're going to be perfect at it, but you can grow. So that type of skill, there are other types of communication skills. I definitely have noticed. Well, and you just brought up another great point, which is the whole thing of you talked about, you have public speaking skills. This is something that I learned just recently is that, you know,

sometimes the person that has great public speaking skills doesn't always have the best interpersonal skills. And I thought that was interesting, but one of the things that they said, especially you'll see an introvert get up in front of a bunch of people and do this phenomenal job because they're not speaking to a single person, they're talking to an entity, which is easier for the introvert than an interpersonal connection. So, yeah, I mean, there's all different things that can play out in that too.

Well, I've also noticed kind of segue off of that, but very similar, that sometimes even if someone is not necessarily the life of the party and appears to have the skills of communication that make them successful in society, that doesn't mean that they are not good, like you said, on the interpersonal level, because sometimes I've found that people can be, I've known people to be very genuine and considerate and thoughtful in solo conversation and really just like good at listening to me and to other people. people and having those deeper conversations, even if they don't necessarily have the greatest skills of communication at a party.

You know, it's just like sometimes the setting can also really influence how they do that. So I guess we're kind of flipping to that other topic at the end of faces, but as far as attitudes and actions of the conscience and to go back to your question about what I prefer someone to be strong in communication skills or have a strong work. I definitely see the value of having that moral grounding in their attitudes and actions as opposed to that skill that could be learned later on. Well, and this is something that's, this is going to be important for people as they date is to really get to know this about a person. Because if you go into a relationship with this, oh, he's just misguided or she's just misguided and I'm going to, my love is going to change their view of things. It's a wrong way to go into it.

people are trying to figure out what they value in life. And it's better if you can have someone that you can have a good conversation with and they're willing to listen versus, I think, one of the big dangers we face today. And maybe this has been in the past, too, is where people hear sound bites. They hear things from the news and they formulate this strong opinion and they go out and they try and, you know, scream at everybody. Those are the ones that really are immature in their ability, their conscience is just kind of fluctuating in many ways. And I find it interesting. Those are the ones that will be out, you know, really holding to their cause. And when someone asks, what do you, why do you, you know, believe this? Why are you

fighting for this? And when that person can't even describe what they're talking about, those are the people that kind of their faith, their morals just kind of go with the win versus those who were more rooted in it, and they spend more time really thinking about that. So that's important. Along with even, you know, someone who's a new convert to, let's say, Christianity, they're still forming part of who they are. And these are just things to consider. It's not one of those write somebody off, but it's important to understand what it is they

value, what are their morals, and what are things that are like deal breakers for you? You're listening to Wherefore Art Thel Romeo, where we're discussing attitudes and actions of the conscience. I'm your host, Emily Shoddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist, Greg Schoady here on Radio Freehillsdale 101.7 FM. Greg, what would be two things that you would say are green flags in someone's attitudes and actions of the conscience, and what are two red flags that you could see that maybe people should keep an eye out for? Well, you know, one of the green flags is do. Does their life example what they state they believe? Because that's, to me, actions speak louder than words. And so just because I say, you know, let's just go with the obvious,

just because I say I'm a Christian doesn't mean that I live a Christian lifestyle. I can say it in word, but if I'm going out and trashing people and calling people names and using foul language and all of that, I'm not really incorporating that more. that value into my life. And that says something about someone who is more words than actions. The second thing I would say as a green light is really think about those things that are deal breakers for you and hold to that. Because, again, I'm not saying that couples that are two different religions can't have a good

marriage, but you can't go in, again, thinking you're going to convert somebody. you've got to really think about how is that going to play out in my life and is that something I can live with and is that going to be okay when I have kids and again maybe that's not your deal breaker maybe it's something to do with politics maybe it's something to do with family values and you know how the family coexist together because you want that for your own family but when you set a value when you said something that's important to you it's important that you don't just waiver in that too. So there's

would be some green flags, which I've never heard that concept, green flags, but I'll go with that. And red flags, I think,

like I said, with the first one, is someone's actions, you know, contrary to what they strongly believe. And another red flag are those people

that just have no depth to their, their strong beliefs. They say it because it's just, it's sound bites. It's just, just, you know, they'll keep saying the same thing, or they try and dominate you with their

point, but can't have a good conversation and be safe enough in that to wrestle with that idea with someone else. I just want to remind you that relationships are a process. They take time and effort, and we want to help you learn to balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged, because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet yet, maybe it's your conscience or attitudes. actions. Or your attitude. So work on it.

If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-S-S-C-H-E-S-H-U-T-E at Hillsdale.edu, and we will discuss them in future shows. Please check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your shows to catch anything you have missed or want to hear again. You can also now follow us on Instagram at Romeo underscore Romeo 2003, or check out our website. whereforearthalromio.transistor.fm.famr. That's all for Whereforeauthoroteur. I'm Emily Shuddy. And I'm Greg Shuddy on Radio Freehillsdale 101.7. Fouts out.