WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: FACES: Family Background P.2

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Emily and Greg continue their conversation about John Van Epp's 'getting-to-know' acronym, FACES, and the role of family in your relationships. Are you doomed to be your parents? How does your family effect your own relationships and what does it say about how you deal with problems? Hear about this and more on today's episode. 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep anyone off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships

and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-d discern dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Wherefore Arthal Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friends' relationship questions and concerns. Welcome back to the show, Greg. How is your week?

Hey, it's been crazy. There's been a lot of changes around here. So some good and some a little bit challenging. But we're doing good. A lot of people keep blessing our doors. And so it's nice that we're continuing to help couples and individuals that need help in their relationships. Yeah. Well, I have a very entertaining story to share related, I guess, to relationships.

But I was, I just opened Instagram one day. And I got a message from someone I know who, very kind person, super great, just was not expecting this particular message from him. And it says, you might find this kind of funny. A lot of the guys on India's national track team follow me. One of the coaches sees that you like my posts and he thinks you're the most beautiful person he's ever seen. I told him it wouldn't be worth pursuing since he lives in Punjab, is Sikh and barely speaks English. But I thought you'd get a kick out of it anyway. Well, I guess I'm happy about that too because, you know, I already have one child in Oregon.

I don't need you across the seas somewhere else. You know, if I had had my head on straight when I responded to this friend, I would have said something like, great, perfect. As long as he's willing to, you know, become Catholic, move to Ohio and learn English, that would be great. There you go. set up all the parameters right away. Oh my goodness. I just so funny, it was not expecting that.

But, you know, great confirmation of, you know, it was morale boosting to me. Yeah. I think that's something really interesting. I don't know if this is necessarily something that all women struggle with,

but I think sometimes, like, okay, I know I'm beautiful and made in the image and likeness of God, but sometimes I don't always feel that way. And so,

you know, nice to get that confirmation every once in a while. Well, I think we all do. I mean, at every stage, we want to know that we're still, I don't know, that people enjoy being around us or they think that we're attractive or there's something, I don't know, I think we all kind of have that in us. Nobody wants to, nobody goes into life thinking, yeah, I hope people find me ugly. You know, I hope people find me to be a real jerk. I don't know. Maybe some people do. You're listening to Whereforetho Romeo, where we are discussing entertaining comments that we get and chat messages that we get about how much people love us.

Anyway, we are. I see. Well, and that's the fun part that you get. And now all I get is a, you know, a text now and then saying, can you pick up milk on your way home instead of, hey, you look really good this morning as you crawled out of bed and, you know. I'm sure that you get more than that. Maybe just not via text message. Oh, no. I know my wife loves me, but it's just a different, different way. Well, we are going to continue discussing family backgrounds. We discussed just, I think we kind of ended on how parents continue to influence us, regardless of where they're at, whether they are deceased, whether they are deceased, whether. you have distanced yourself from them, whether you're still really close to them.

Yeah, just in case someone didn't listen to the last one, real quick. This comes from the book, How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerk Ed from Dr. Sean Van Ep. And really he talks about, how do we really get to know somebody? That's that first concept on what he calls the RAM model or the relationship attachment model. And what we're talking about is how do you pace a healthy relationship in such a way that you reduce the amount of hurt when things don't work well, but also how you predict what someone would be like in marriage. And so we're talking about the first component, which is really getting to know somebody because you can't build trust, you can't build reliance, you can't really, you know,

some foundational things if you don't know somebody. And so in it, we were, he uses this acronym Faces for how to get to know someone. And so what you were talking about, Emily, is that first one, F, which is family background. And we talked a little bit about, you know, where we come from is important in how we are formed and who we are becoming in many ways. So just wanted to set that out. No, thank you for that clarification. I think that's really helpful. So we did talk a good bit about more of the parents' influence on us.

let's look a little bit more into what that type of influence can be. So one of those things is how we're raised. And there are different styles of parenting. Do you have any particular thoughts on the different styles of parenting? The two that I'm thinking of right now are more like free range parenting and then helicopter parenting, which are kind of two opposite ends of the spectrum. Yeah. And I'd like to preface this with something that we kind of ended with last time is on a hopeful

note here because a lot of people are just like you mean I'm stuck with being like my mom or dad you know or they might find that a good thing but often there's that tendency where we can become like them in some ways or always or sometimes we fight against it and do the opposite so it's all we're talking about here is just understanding this in yourself and understanding this in others you know we bring these parts into our marriage as behaviors that we're either going to shape in marriage or we're going to fight the other person because I want my way. When we're raising children, this is one of the ones where I think me and your mom are really spending time hearing you guys reflect back on how we parented you, which I think is interesting. And I made my share of mistakes. I'm not going to bring

them up right now. But, you know, I think all the kids could come up with that. But yeah, so one of them is, you know, what was the authority like in a family or what is it like in the family that you're looking to be a part of in this gentleman or this lady that you are dating? And so what's the authority like? Is it one where it's very relaxed and anything goes where the parents don't really do much to try and get on top of problems or they like that. I think you were, I can't remember if you just said this, but like the helicopter parent where they micromanage everything with the child. And so those things play out in some of the habits we form or maybe it forms in the way we listen or don't listen to our parents because I've seen that. John Van App even uses this idea of, you know, a kid that's

always like, yeah, yeah, mom, I'll do that, but they never do it. And the parent just gets frustrated and does it themselves. Well, some of these people then bring that habit into their own marriage when their wife is saying, when are you going to get to that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get that. And then it doesn't happen. Kind of that authority is one of those things. Yeah. And I think kind of off of that as well, you can look at what is the authority, like in whose hands is that authority? Is it in the mother? Is it in the father? Is it both of them together in a joint effort? Because I've seen some families where the mother is very nagging and is the one who seems

to be making all the decisions and the father kind of sits back a little bit more, kind of quiet. And then other situations where the father is the law of the land and you submit to his authority and not even the mother questions that. And then I've seen other families where it's a lot. lot more of a collaborative effort. What would be your thoughts on that? Are there any particular ones that you think are unhealthy? Are there ways that they can be one or the other but still healthy? Well, I think, you know, he would say, John Van App would say that the goal is to be somewhere in the middle. So he uses, he puts these on like an axis. If you think of a wheel and the spokes on a wheel,

you know, each one of these is a spoke. So authority could either go, you know, far to relaxed or far to helicopter, but the goal is if you're trying to build this in your own family, and that's the other thing to think about is, okay, so I might have grown up in one or the other of these extremes, but that doesn't mean that that's what I have to be or that my future spouse has to be. But the important thing is, do both of us recognize these parts of ourselves? So it's how, How do we get more to that middle where we're not so overbearing, but we're not, you know, to this point where we let everything go when it comes to authority? And I think that that's the other thing that was important for me and your mom was being unified in that. And that's interesting because a lot of couples that I work with, they go to extremes because I see this all the time. If we're not talking about these things before marriage, usually what happens is. is wife and husband come in.

They parent how they always knew or what they wanted to be. And they don't have a plan. So it ends up being a critique of the other person. And it's a fight between spouses versus really having control over how we parent. So it's really interesting because that's, you know, not unique to romantic relationships. because we see that even in just normal interactions at work, whether you have to collaborate with anybody on anything,

because you have to make some concessions and be willing to change, not necessarily like how you feel about something, but be willing to do something differently in order to work with somebody else because you're never going to get anything done if everybody has to stick super strongly to one side or the other on something. Well, and it's funny you say that because that typically happens even in the workspace where, and we've been talking about this more here is knowing each other's perspective and not just their perspective, but even more so, kind of their personality type

in some of these areas, because once you understand that or how they deal with things, here's an example. And this is my famous story that I tell all the time, is that many years ago, I worked with this supervisor underneath me that we would come in and I would find myself in these long conversations about one thing. And there was this specific topic. I can't even remember what it was. We got going and I kept trying to work with her on it, get her to understand. Two hours later, mind you, two hours later, I'm still trying to work with her and feel through this and see her, you know, perspective and finally in the midst of it she looks at me and she says will you stop it and I'm like

what and she said I feel like you're trying to be a therapist to me I'm thinking no but I'm trying to pull from some of my therapy skills because you're driving me nuts now I didn't say that but I was so done at this point because we were getting nowhere and she said I can't stand this because that's how I grew up was, you know, my parents would play these mental games with me. She's like, just tell me how you feel so we can move forward. And I thought, okay, I can do that. A, I disagree with what you're saying. B, we're not going to do it. And C, we're done. I'll see you later. She looked at me, just shocked. And she said, well, I don't like your answer, but at least appreciate your honesty. And so that got me to this point of you got to understand how people like to even

deal with things in order to work with them because these kind of things can frustrate even in the workplace. Yeah, that was a lesson learned. Two hours lost in my life just trying to, but anyway. You're listening to Where for Arthur Romeo, where we are discussing how different people have different styles of communication and how that can end. impact their interactions with someone and how it's important to get to know this. And oftentimes, their family background can impact this. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist Greg Shudy here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. It's really interesting that you say that about that particular interaction and how she just needed something very specific from you

as opposed to the thing that really bothered her was something that bothered her from her background. I find it really fascinating to figure out how to interact with people, how to converse with people, and what really is a way that makes them tick, that makes them respond the best. And it is really interesting how sometimes that little bit of self-knowledge, particularly in reference to our family, can actually help you know how to do that best. Yeah, but, you know, even in our family, I think one of the things that we've tried to do and much sometimes to you guys is dismay. which is really help you recognize those parts of yourself that can be difficult for others or annoying or, you know, and you guys felt like we were picking on you, but we always try to remind you, we're trying to help you in your relationship with others. Now, some people don't. Some parents just pick, just a pick. Or they don't explain it. But someone once said, I think it was Dr. Ray Garundi, who said, you know, the best thing that we can do for our kids is,

teach them how to have friends and to do it well. Because too often we, you know, we just bring some of this background garbage and it just can really create that divide. So all of this is how do we make ourselves better, but also how do we also look for someone that is going to complement that? And not that they're going to be perfect, but that they're willing to work on these things. I'm always just amazed at the things that people do in public that you guys have actually worked on with us to not do. Just really, I don't know, basic things. I mean, I'm very self-conscious of the fact that I'm very fidgety, so I'll be bouncing in class and I know I'm causing an earthquake. And if I were at home, my siblings would be like, Emily, you're shaking the entire table.

Stop it. Her mom would just like put her hand on my leg and tell me to stop it because everybody can feel it. But the amount of people who are fidgety at school and don't even think about it because nobody is telling them that it's really interesting. That's just one example. There are plenty of other things that people do. But just like. Yeah, or even ticks. I mean, we all have them.

I felt so bad the other day. I was at church and saw, it was a mass with all these little kids. And I saw this one little girl. She just couldn't stop touching her lips. You know, sometimes we get those ticks. But are we trying to help as parents help. them through that and really work through that. Again, it's, it wasn't, I wasn't saying that to be judgmental, but I think it's always,

as parents, we're trying to figure out how to maintain ourselves better, but also how to help our children. And that's kind of what we're talking about here is just how parents raise our, our kids. I guess this is the hard part too, because I don't want to make this sound judgmental, because it's hard. It's hard being a parent. It's hard building a balanced family life. But the question is, is, are we trying to do that?

And even if we didn't grow up in one, it doesn't mean that you can't work towards that. If you're willing to recognize it and recognize those. And let me give you just an example from my own self. I realized in being married that I'm very lazy when it comes to prayer. And some of the, you know, you guys don't always see that. Well, it's because something that I've worked on. But I've allowed my marriage and my relationship with your mom to inspire me towards that versus it becoming a competition and getting frustrated with each other, which a lot of people do. You know, you're trying to make me into something that you want me to be or you're trying to shame me by what you do versus, okay, how can this marriage and this relationship make me better?

A couple other things real quick here with how we parent. There's one where, I'm not going to go into these in depth, but one is attention. How did we give attention to our kids? Was there a lot of neglect? This is extremes. Neglect versus being spoiled. Do we give way too much attention or very little? Again, the middle ground is good, but again, noticing that in the person that you are dating.

Territory. Are we very possessive as individuals or in the family? or we very relaxed and hey what's mine is yours and think of how that could play out with someone you know that you're dating who is just the opposite of that and then the last one i would say is responsibility you know did we have too much responsibility as a kid and didn't really get to be a kid or was it very lazy where we didn't have any responsibilities and where's the middle ground in there so those are just some things to think about in the person that you're dating Where are they at in that whole spectrum?

Yeah, because I don't know, then you get kids that I even see this at school. I was talking with some of my fellow RAs and just like these people who have absolutely no shame about asking how to work the laundry machines or whatever the case may be or how to unplug a toilet. And you're like, hmm, I wonder if this kid's never done anything in their life, you know, for themselves. Because if they're not doing it, someone else has been doing it for them this whole time, which is. kind of an indication of maybe being a little bit, a little bit spoiled, more of like a heavily involved helicopter parent. And then you see maybe kids that don't have a lot of trust. It's harder to develop a friendship or relationship with them because they were very neglected as an individual. It is interesting how that can definitely impact your connectivity with other people or your

responsibility as an individual. And I think you see that pretty quickly in some respects, especially in a place at college, where everybody is in the same space. Well, and you make a great point here, but let me preface it with this, which is be careful not to assume things too, because I think that we often want to then just blame family for something like that. It could be choices that the individual is making, it could be something that happened to them in other relationships that they were in. It could be that they just never had an opportunity to unplug a toilet. So again, I think what I would say is this is the reason why it is so important to really get to know somebody because we all have a story. And I think too often we want to fill in the

blank about someone and assume something about someone. And so that's why, we need to take that time to get to know them, but we also need to not overlook things. Because I think too many people do that and just say, that's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. And maybe it's a one-time thing. Maybe it's a culmination of habits that play out. So again, that getting to know is really important. I just want to remind you that relationships are a process.

It takes time and effort, and we just want to help you balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged. because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, learn how to ID the constellations because it may come in handy at your next date. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-S-S-C-H-U-T-T-E at Hillsdale.E-D-U, and we will discuss them in future shows.

Please check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your shows to catch anything you have missed or want to hear again. That's all for WhereforeFarth, Romeo. I'm Emily Shudy. And I'm Greg Shudy. On Radio Free Hillsdale, 101.7. I'm