WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: Relationship Red Flags

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

In this episode, hosts Emily Schutte and Licensed Marriage Therapist, Greg Schutte discuss some of the red flags to look for when starting a relationship. 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in feet, complete. George McFly, I'm your density. It is not about the name. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo, the show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shuddy. to Where For Art Thel Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing

your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist, and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friends' relationship questions and concerns. So, Greg, just to start off, Since this is our first time doing the show, would you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do? Sure. First of all, I'm glad to be a part of this because, you know, as a therapist, I see so many people come into my office that are so broken because of relationships that they never were guided in. So I'm just so excited about this opportunity. But again, I'm the director of Marriage Works, Ohio, and Dayton, Ohio.

and I've been the director for the past 18 years. Before I go into any of that, my biggest accomplishment is that I have been the husband to my wife, Stephanie, for 31 years, this October, and the parent of seven children that have kept me on my toes at all times. And I also play in a Catholic music band called Romans. But along with directing marriage works, I am also a licensed therapist. I see clients, couples all the time. And then I also have a marriage enrichment program called Building a Eucharistic Marriage that we teach live in our diocese, but we also have a video series that we sell nationally and now going internationally. So, pretty excited about that.

So good, so good. I'm so glad that you can join us today for this. to share your wisdom. I know for myself, I'm always coming to you with questions about these things. And so I wanted to be able to share this with other people, with your wisdom with other people. I think what I'm going to start with, I'm going to start with one of the questions that I have gathered from friends around campus, different students around campus. So these are not my questions. These are actually questions that Hillsdale College students have submitted to me, the questions that they're struggling with. So the first... That's great.

Yeah. I think that's great because, again, meeting people where they're at. Yeah, for sure, for sure. So the first question I have for you is, what are some red flags to look out for when starting a relationship? Ooh. Yeah, there's quite a few. Before I jump into that, let me say one thing, because I think this is important to start off with here is, you know, as I give these answers. there's no perfect or flawless way sometimes to go through a relationship.

And sometimes it's just a process. And some of these questions that I answer, I also want to be very clear, I'm giving ideas, but I don't want people walking away going, this is the total answer to how I'm going to fix this or to the red flags and that it's the end all be all. But it's part of the puzzle. And I think that that's what I want people to take is kind of add these different ideas into their filing cabinet or into their backpack that they take with them.

So when they enter into a relationship, they can pull it out and go, oh, yeah, this was a red flag that I've seen. Yeah, that's a really important reminder because just like everybody's experience is different. Every personality is different. Yeah, yeah. So, again, I think for all of us, we have to have, you know, those values in our life that are important to us and really hold on to those because I think some people let go of those or bend them when they get into a relationship. But those are there for a reason. And so if someone

comes along and they don't respect those or they push us on those, to me, that's a huge red flag. When you say, look, this is important to me to walk through this relationship slowly and get to know you and we're not going to jump right into, you know, kissing or something like that and they push you, that's a red flag. Something else is, you know, when I teach this class, we talk about how to avoid a jerk or jerk at. And so I think one of the things that's important is for each person to define what that means to them. What are those things that are, you know, jerk or jerk at qualities, whether it's that they've got poor skills in relationship, or it's something where they've got a lot of uncontrolled emotion that is always coming out, a lot of, you know,

crying, a lot of anger, a lot of pessimism. So those are things that we've got to look at. They could be potential beginning red flags, but a true, you know, we all do these things, but a true jerk or jerkette are those ones that had this persistent resistance to change, meaning that, you know, I've got this problem, but, you know, it's just who I am. You know, you should like me warts and all, or it's not a big deal, or it's your fault that you've made me do this. So again, really looking at those and pacing that relationship, and I think that that's one of the things that you're going to hear me talk about, over and over again is how do we walk through a relationship in such a way that we really get to know somebody and really get to know their habits, their personality, their conscience,

you know, how they view the world before we throw ourselves all in. Because those are those things that you start to see those red flags that encroach upon our values and our comfortability. So that's just, those are some things that I would throw out there. Yeah, I think that's really interesting. It's just that concept of getting to know because, you know, some of those tendencies can start showing the more that you know someone. And actually, we're kind of in a unique situation here as college students where we're all kind of, you know, we're put into this pot, I guess. We're all kind of in the same place.

And it's a very high stress environment, high achieving. And we're together all the time. So we kind of have this special opportunity to get to know each other in a way we might not be able to in another situation. So could you maybe tell me a little bit more about the first concept that you were touching on about pushing ideas or pushing yourself on someone. So if when you're setting boundaries with someone and they are pushing you a little further and maybe you like, you know, you're like, okay, I like this person. So I'm going to let them go a little further. And it's okay. Like,

because I like this person. What is that like? Is that your fault? Because you're letting them do that even though you set up a boundary? No, I mean, again, you've got to be careful with that because I think that that's one of those things where we can blame ourselves. And we do play a part in that. Again, that's why I say it's important to have those boundaries ahead of time and really think about those before you enter into something. But I also want to say, look, we all make mistakes.

I can't tell you how many mistakes I've made, you know, over the years, especially in dating that I'm like, oh man, I wish I could take that back. So we make mistakes, but they don't have to define us. And so we got to be careful of, you know, beating ourselves up versus, okay, yeah, that wasn't such a great idea. Let me change that. But there are other mistakes that we got to make sure that we have clear stop signs that we don't put ourselves. in a situation where we put ourselves at risk for someone to push us into something. And that's where, you know, it's always that taking your time to really get to know somebody. And so if they're really pushing you, the question is, is, are you going to put that stop sign on and say,

look, this is not okay? Now, I think the other question that you said, but if I really like them, you know, is part of that pushing just to really grow and know them? Well, some of it is, but it shouldn't be pushed. It should be a gift that we freely give. And that's going to play out in your life even in marriage. Because if we're always grabbing at, if we're always demanding, if we're always saying, if you love me, you'll give me, then it becomes this pattern that I get into of self-focus. If you love me, you will give me. No. If I care about you, that's I'm going to respect and I'm going to figure out what you need and feed that.

And that, to me, again, is that red flag. So if someone's demanding, that's not good. If someone is giving and you know, and you start to give back, that's the way it should be. It should be a I give a little bit, you give a little bit. And then once there's that trust, I'm going to give a little bit more. But again, still keeping in mind my boundaries. Okay, so I guess I just wanted to ask you off of, like, kind of off of that, with those jerk qualities that you're kind of trying to address and look at, are there situations in which someone may be really trying to change? Like, they're not necessarily persistent in their resistance of change, but they're still really exhibiting some jerk qualities where they're pushing, they're kind of pushing themselves on you a little bit too much or not respecting.

some boundaries that you've set. What would you say is the best means of action in that situation? Like, should they pause their relationship? Should they just completely cut it off? Well, let me ask you. What would you want in something like that? I mean, I'd personally really like to be respected in that kind of a situation. So, I mean, as hard as it would be, I probably would hope that the person would spend some time growing without me for a while. Okay. Do you think that there would be some consternation you would have of someone that you had been seeing for, let's say, you know, eight months and all of a sudden this starts to come out? Would you be readily or quickly wanting to go? Let's put a pause on this or would you be like, hey, can we work through this? I feel like it would be really hard to put a pause on it if I was, I really felt like I was connected to the person.

person and like wanted the relationship to work. So I think it would probably be more of a let's work on this together. Yeah. And so I throw that out there because I think sometimes, you know, not being in that situation, it's easy to say, I would just take a pause. But if you've started to really put your heart into this, it's one of those, you know, and that's not to say that there isn't a reason to actually put a pause on it. because really one of the things that I often say is that you want to find someone who's trying to become better.

Not the perfect person because we all make mistakes. You know, I'm glad my your mom, my wife, Stephanie, didn't reject me the first time I made a big mistake. And I think, you know, that would have been a disaster. But she worked with me and I think what we found is through working through that, we had the integrity to go, okay, this is so important to me that I'm willing to do what it takes to make this work and learn. And the other thing that we sought out was counsel. And I think this is important too, is don't try to do it alone. If you find that you can't kind of work through it together and you've invested some time in this, maybe you, you know, have a third party, whether

be a spiritual advisor or you have a counselor or, you know, someone else. I wouldn't say your best friend or they're a little, but that way they can kind of walk you through this and go, okay, maybe you need to start putting some of these boundaries. Maybe you need to just to guide you through this. And then that's a great telltale too, because if that other person is really trying to work on that, to me, that's a huge, that's a huge plus. Because that's that's a huge plus. Because that's that If they're willing to do that now, there's a better chance that they'll take that on into marriage someday for the good of the marriage. It's those ones that just ignore and keep doing the same thing. And you just need to get over it.

It's not that big of a deal. Or they do it for a short period of time and then run back to it. Those are those things that say, I might want to, this is where I want to put a pause on this. so I can think clearly. And that's where the separating should be is if I need some time to just de-vest a little bit, so I can see this thing clearly versus having my head all in on this thing and my heart too. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense. So it's like kind of that element of if you feel like you need to protect your heart, then that's something that maybe some time away might be helpful. growing together can also be really helpful for a relationship if someone's actually really trying to to address the issues. I did want to address, though, what you said earlier about, like, seeking counsel in your relationships. I think something that can be a struggle for college students is that element of we are surrounded by our peers. And so our first tendency is to go talk to or friends about whatever's going on.

Is there, how much danger is there in that? How much likelihood is there of that being like, just kind of holding you in the same problems or is, I guess what I'm trying to say is, should you really try to find people outside of the situation, like a married couple or a priest or. a pastor or someone who's going to like be able to give you counsel from experience. I think that that can help. I think you want someone that's more objective. And if you have a friend that can be objective, that's great. But a lot of times they're very subjective. And rightly so, I get it. A friend doesn't want to see their friend hurting. But sometimes the

counsel is dump that jerk, you know. It's like, hold on. That might not be the best. or, you know, you deserve better or, and maybe that's what you need to hear too. So I think it's one of those things where it's important to gather information in these times when it's difficult and not exclude. Because I've seen people do that where they exclude. It's just like, well, you don't understand what we've got. And they keep getting deeper into it even though everybody around them is saying, hey, wake up. This person is not bringing the best out of you. And you're not seeing that.

And so if many people are saying that, that should, you know, at least trigger a, maybe I need to look at this deeper. But then having that objective person that says, okay, I don't know, you know, all the details. So tell me about it. Let's walk through it. I don't have an invested interest, but I do want the best for you. So let's hear what's going on. And then can give you kind of that objective thought about that.

So one thing I think is important to say at this time is that, you know, as I'm giving these answers or giving these thoughts, we got to keep in mind is that it always depends on the situation and those involved. And again, I don't want to sound that as, you know, someone who's just saying that, you know, the rules change just because it's this couple versus this couple. That's not what I'm saying. There's still there's healthy relationship skills and there's unhealthy. But, you know, in a situation like, you know, who do you talk to as a second or as an outside person, sometimes that depends on the situation that was involved because it could be that your

family is the good source to talk to. Sometimes the family is not the person or the the people to talk to. So again, I just want to be very clear that sometimes, you know, these, there's nuances with that, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess are you trying to say like it's important to, to recognize like, are these friends going to be objective? Are my parents actually people that I, you know, trust to give me advice like this or that type of thing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And have these friends given, have they helped me in the past? Or they led me down a path that wasn't the best. And so I'm not going to, I'll go, I'll go out to a party with them, but I'm not going to ask them about, you know. Yeah. Or like, would you even take their advice if you asked them? Are you just kind of looking for someone to, to, to, like, affirm you or that?

Or you ask them because you want to know what not to do, you know. This is so great. I know that it's a challenge. relationships are a challenge for everyone. I know that I have had many conversations with people about this and about just the challenges that we face, whether we're in college or beyond. And I just want to remind you that relationships are a process. They take time and effort. And we just want to help you learn how to balance your head and your heart. And this is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, yet they might just show up in the freshman class next year. In all seriousness, if you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-Shoudi, S-C-H-U-T-T-E at

Hillsdale.edu, and we will do our best to discuss them in future shows. That's all for Wherefore Art Thou Romeo. I'm Emily Shuddy. And I'm Greg Shuddy on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7