WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: Unaddressed Issues P.1

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

What are some most commonly unaddressed issues that are likely to lead to unhappiness in marriage? Should I go into marriage thinking I can change the other person? Greg and Emily discuss topics of communication and working through conflict among other things on today's episode.

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep anyone off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships

and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shuddy. Welcome to Where For Art Thel Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your, or even your friends, relationship questions, and concerns. So today I got up, Greg, and I registered for classes. And everything crashed basically right away.

And it was very disappointing because this is my, I'm going into my senior year. And so I was supposed to get like all the classes and everything is supposed to go right, you know. It's like the year for it to happen. But of course, everything crashed. And it's fine because I got my classes. But we were all just waiting. in a classroom. Me and my friends have this tradition of like we go up to a classroom and we register in that classroom and then we go to breakfast afterwards. So we just went to breakfast and waited for everything to load because we were in the classroom for like 30 minutes. It was insane. We're listening to Disney. Well, I would I would love to say that I sympathize with you, but it's one of those things that I can't even remember that far back. I do remember, you know, having those difficulties with registering for a class, but I just, Yeah. We were more back in the age, you know, when dust was invented.

And so we didn't have all the crashing of computers. We had more of the, you know. You had to chisel your classes on to. Basically. It's right. And when that stone broke, you know, hey, it was, we were set back a while. Yeah. No, that's, I feel bad for you.

That's hard. And I know the whole thing with crashing systems. because we have that at work and it just shuts down everything that you had planned for the day. Yeah, and you want to blame ITS, but like it's not really IT's fault. It's not like they do what they can. It's just the way that the nature of the system is. When you have like what, however many people are in a class, 300 people, 400 people who are all registering at the same time. Yeah.

It's bound to crash. Well, I've always said, you know, I'd rather deal with people than with computers. Of course, the IT people are like, yeah, you go ahead and deal with people. We'd rather work with a computer that doesn't, you know, cry on our shoulder and all of that. So I get it. You know, we are where we are for a reason. Oh, man. Okay, what are we tackling today?

Yes, so our question for today is from a friend, actually. I'm not going to name this friend, but they asked a specific question. what are some most commonly unaddressed issues that are likely to lead to unhappiness in marriage? So I guess basically the idea of this is, are there things that people just don't think to talk about or don't want to talk about before they get married that end up being big issues? Yeah, well, I think it's a both. I think sometimes people just don't think to. sometimes they don't think to go deeper in some of the different areas, which can affect. Sometimes people avoid. So there's different reasons why some people, you know, or they think, I think the biggest thing that I think is a big problem.

And I just thought of this is when people go into marriage, and maybe it's not something they didn't talk about, but it's something that they assumed, which was, you know, know, by marrying me or by being with me, it will, I will find a way to change them. So this whole idea of thinking, you know, this is going to change, I'm going to change this person. And I always, you know, any therapist worth their way will say, don't go into marriage thinking you are, you're going to change somebody. So I think that that's one of those things just right off the bat to really think about. So I've heard some people say like something to the effect of, women civilized men

in a, like, just in society. Isn't that kind of changing people, in a sense? Well, but there's a difference between me saying, and me going into it with an expectation that I'm going to change you versus, yes, the ability of a couple to work together, to communicate, to sacrifice for each other, versus two people that come in

and they work to try and change and force and do what I want. And that's where it becomes very contentious and sometimes very volatile. And eventually, if it goes on too long, can become very abusive. But if you go in knowing that you're inspiring each other and you want to grow and you want to learn and you want to become better through the marriage, that's the way to go into it. Maybe that's something that people don't talk. talk about is, you know, how are we going to grow or even think in their own head, you know,

who wants to go into it thinking, you know, how am I going to change my whole life and my thinking and, oh, yeah, this sounds like fun. It's, I think you got to go in knowing that marriage is a, is a covenant, a sacrament, whatever you want to call it, of sacrifice. And I think sometimes people go into it is this, it's going to be an arrangement. of convenience. You know, you do the dinner, I'll do the yard, and we'll work together as a team, which is part of it. But it's really about, are we willing to sacrifice? So with that... Go ahead.

With that concept of like, you can't go in trying to change the person, with that, I've heard of people having... I think that this is something that I can see in myself, too. As someone who likes to fix things. I know a lot of my friends have talked about like, liking to fix things, and that could kind of develop into this sort of savior complex where you think you can fix people, and that tends to be, you know, you need some sort of mission. It seems like a mission suddenly that, and that you can do that, you can like find an outlet for that through a relationship. Do you think that that's maybe a, like a reason that people run into this problem? I think so, not everybody and not necessarily a lot of people.

But yeah, there are those, and I've seen this too when people were dating. Sometimes we are drawn into that person who's kind of the damsel in distress or the guy who can really be turned from the beast into the prince. And it is one of those side effects of Disney movies. Yeah, and it's nice when those things happen, but I think when we go in with this expectation or this thought of, you know, I see this person that's broken and I want to make them unbroken or I want to fix them is the wrong way to go into this. It should be one of those where we recognize we're all broken and are we going into marriage to really help each other become better. and that happens when we're working together, we sacrifice, we work through issues together. I did have a question. Oh, no, I had a thought with what you said about our like Disney movies or about just our media in general.

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot about how our modern media or just our media throughout the ages, the way that the stories are told, oftentimes create this concept of like wanting to be saved or wanting to save people, kind of like what you were saying. And it's kind of created this expectation that we have for relationships. And I think a lot of people in our culture, even more than maybe I would think, because I've heard some people talk about this who are much wiser than I am, who have met people who have just said that they can't understand why their relationship. doesn't sound or doesn't work like all of the songs or all of the movies like why aren't they experiencing those types of things and i think that that relates to this idea of like

why aren't we finding that person who's going to save us or why aren't we finding that person that we can save you know and i think that it is interesting how our entertainment does really shape what we expect in our relationships well it's we got to to realize we're not the Savior. Because if you're thinking I'm going to save, then you've misplaced who the Savior is. You know, this is God's job to be the Savior. Our job is to love one another, to sacrifice for one another. And, you know, romance isn't something that just kind of is that everything comes together through all the difficulty and then you have this storybook ending. It's a daily decision to be intentional in the marriage.

It's that daily decision to make today more special because I put effort into it. And that's where the romance and the memories and all of that comes. I think we just get so busy. We get so bogged down. We get so distracted that our marriage goes on autopilot. And we spend so much time before marriage, working. to be that romantic person and win them over and we stop. And so maybe that's something that's really unaddressed is, you know, how do we continue this on in marriage?

And how do we continue to work through stuff like that? And I would say that was kind of the first thing that I wrote down here is we often don't address the whole ability to successfully work through issues. You know, I think sometimes we give each other. grace, we just brushed it under the rug, we move on, and we go, oh, that was a blip on the radar, and we just move on. And sometimes, you know, these couples will go for long periods of time, never resolving, just kind of ignoring. And then they move into marriage into this, with this pattern of not truly successfully

working through an issue, as hard as it might be. When couples say, we never fought before we got married, well, maybe they are that, you know, that exceptional couple that didn't need to have that happen. But, you know, I think there's something good about working through a difficulty and really seeing, does this person have good communication skills? Are they able to find some resolution through conflict? Or are we just avoiding? Because if we get in that pattern, then, yeah, that's going to really hurt. Or you're going to have to work through it somewhere. Yeah, I've heard people say that, like, you shouldn't, you should have probably had a fight or two before you get married. And I think it's interesting because

I don't feel like it has to be like a crazy fight. It doesn't have, I mean, hopefully it's not you guys yelling and screaming at each other. You know, that's not necessarily the fight that we're talking about. But I think it's like having those disagreements and it being a hard disagreement, but actually talking about it and working through it and working through those differences. I definitely have talked to some people who were trying to figure that out. Like, how do we work through some of these major differences in how we communicate? Because there are sometimes just differences in how you communicate. And that can be a struggle and a disagreement between the two of you because you're trying to figure out how to address things.

It's like. Yeah. Yeah. And that tells you something about the person, too. Can they take a hard issue? and I've seen this many of times in couples, you know, where they take a hard issue, and they've done this before they got married, they worked through it. And it was hard. It was excruciating at times, but they worked through it without it becoming this yelling match. And if before marriage, you know, everything turns out to be this big yelling screaming every time there's a big heavy issue, that says something about the person.

And that should be one of those, okay, is this the person that I really want to work through the difficulties in life with? Or did they really need to find some, you know, emotional control? And again, it's not one of those when we get married, it'll get better. No, it just gets worse. And I've seen that so many times in couples that come into therapy that they have built this pattern of yelling, screaming, raising their voice. And my favorite is, well, it's not my favorite. It's frustrating. But how many people come in my office and they're just like, you know, ever since we've been together, you know, we've realized we're both bullheaded. I'm like,

great. How well is that working for you? Do you want to just keep down that path or are you going to learn? Some don't. Some are just, they just keep in that pattern. You're listening to Wherefore Arthel Romeo where we are discussing commonly unaddressed issues that are likely to lead to unhappiness in marriage. I'm your husband. host Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist to Greg Shuddy here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. Okay, so that was, sometimes people don't address how to work through conflicts. What was the first one you said again? Yeah, the ability to successfully work through issues. Issues. And then, sorry, was there one right before that? Yeah, I was talking about

how we don't think about the expectations that we have going into about as changing the other person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, so we have we have those two that don't try to change the other person and then try to figure out how to successfully navigate conflict together. What are some other of your thoughts on how we don't maybe address things? Well, this is going to have to be a two-party. You know this because there's so many things I can think of. So let me move into another one. And this happened just recently with a couple that I've been working with recently is really do you understand or do we talk about how we are able to under or do we how I want to say this really understanding each other's ability to empathize or they're what we call

emotional intelligence and it's it's a harsh word to say that way because it's like am I dumb in emotions No. But this emotional intelligence is the ability to step outside of yourself into another person's life and understand and understand their needs and to work with that. Sometimes that can be difficulty for someone who's cognitive, but it doesn't necessarily mean that only the very cognitive people are struggling that. So I don't want to get that impression. What do you mean by cognitive again? Your thought process, how we think, how we work through things. And so some people are very heady.

You know, they think through things very logically and emotion is not the thing they run to. Other people, they're more emotionally driven. And again, not to say that they're out of control emotionally, but they're attuned to people's emotions. And so we have to work at, can we understand where someone's coming from? Do we understand, or is it this constantly, or this inability, I should say, to kind of enter into your world. and see what your needs are and meet those needs versus it becoming a, I know what it means on paper, so I'll check the boxes. Yeah, I guess I've never really thought about what it would mean for someone to not be emotionally intelligent, like to be able to understand emotionally what I was going through or like, like what that would mean for a relationship. Well, sometimes it's not that they're incapable.

It's just that they've never really learned that skill. And so they deal with things very logically. And when we're trying to work through, and this happened just with a few different clients that I've worked with in the past, is where everything was this intellectual, you know, I'll read on it and then we'll make a decision and we'll go forward. But it's that did you stop to ask your spouse what it is that they needed? Or did you categorize it? Did you, you know, when they were in distress, did you, you know, listen to what they needed and really tried to meet that need or, Was it one of these? No, the research says this. And so we're not going to do this. And I've seen that just recently in a couple where every decision he made was around this in his mind logical,

while she's sitting here struggling going, no, I need, I need this help emotionally over here. And it became this battle. And so they just kind of encamped in their worlds because it became a battle versus a truly understanding what the need is, the emotional need is, and figuring out, well, how do I meet that? How do I walk with you in that difficulty versus, no, the research says, no, this doesn't make sense. No, I disagree with you. Does that make sense? Yeah, that does make sense. And, you know, Brune Brown, I don't know if you've ever heard of her.

She is a therapist, but she's done a lot of research in this. And one of the things that she talks about is the difference between sympathy and empathy. And empathy is really trying to get into someone's world. Man, that has to be hard. I'm so sorry that you're going through that. It's trying to walk in their shoes. Where sympathy can get misleading, where it's always kind of that, well, at least you don't. You know, well, I can't get pregnant.

Well, at least, you know, you're married. Well, I lost a child. Well, at least you know you can get pregnant. That's not empathy. That's, you know, trying to wash it under the bridge to move on. Well, we have more to talk about with this, but we have run out of time for the day. So we will be back with this topic of things that are commonly unaddressed prior to marriage that could lead to unhappiness.

We just wanted to remind you that relationships are process and they take time and effort. and we just want to help you balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, learn how to waltz. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-S-S-C-H-E-S-H-U-T-T-E at Hillsdale.E-E-D-U and we will discuss them in future shows. Tune in next week to hear more on the topic of commonly unaddressed issues likely to lead to unhappiness in marriage.

If you would like to listen to already released shows, you can find them wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for Wherefore Art Thel Romeo. I'm Emily Shottie. And I'm Greg Shuddy. On Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM.