WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: Unaddressed Issues P.2

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Description: Greg and Emily jump back into the discussion on commonly unaddressed issues which lead to unhappiness in marriage. Greg encourages taking time to truly get to know one other, especially discussions on child baring and parenting. Listen to today's episode for this and more on the topic of unaddressed issues which lead to unhappiness. 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George. George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo?

The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships and how to achieve a mean between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Where For Art thou Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friend's relationship questions and concerns. Well, I thought it might be fun to ask you, what is one of your funniest or best childhood memories?

The best or funniest? Well, I mean, Uncle Jeff was just here the other day and telling the story about how I wet his bed, which was one of the funniest because, you know, we had beds next to each other. And then you get out in the middle and you go through a door and turn to the line. left and there was the bathroom. Well, apparently I didn't turn and go through the door. I was half asleep and I just went over to his bed. Oh, no. And yeah, so he woke up and tried to wake me up. That didn't work. So it's funny because that memory is based off of what everybody tells me, because I don't remember it. I was, you know, I was asleep, but my brother peed on your brother's bed, you know.

I wet his bed instead of. Yeah. Hey, I mean, you didn't wet your bed. No, it's good. So he had to deal with it, not me. I don't know, that was one of the funnier ones. Anyway. Well, on the topic of relationships, we have.

Wait a minute. No, no. You're not going to throw this question at me and you're not going to answer it. Well, we could both talk about it. That's the whole point. What was your best childhood memory? Oh, I know. I see. I see. This is just like something I really enjoyed where we would go outside and we would build fairy houses. So the rule for fairy houses is that you can't put anything inside of them or build them with anything that is manmade. Otherwise, the fairy won't come to live in the house. And so we have all the trees in the backyard and all these little nooks and grannies. And so all of the kids would go outside and we'd find our spots and we would get a bunch of material with a bunch of bark or sticks and grass.

and flowers and dirt and all of the rocks and everything and we would build our little houses and everybody had their own style and everything but it was just so much fun I remember that just being very exciting and just going I love going outside I just especially on those beautiful days we just get to do some fun things so yeah that's a fond memory maybe not a funny memory but so Greg and I are back to talk about the topic of commonly unaddressed issues that are likely to lead to unhappiness and marriage. So in our last episode, we were talking about how you can't go in thinking that you can change the person. Correct. You need to learn how to work through conflict. And oftentimes people forget to

figure out how to learn through conflict together. And then... And communicate well. Communication. It's all about communication. That's right. Yeah. And then. And then the last one we talked about was, does the other party in the relationship understand emotions? Like, do they have some emotional intelligence that they could actually support the emotional needs of their significant other? So sometimes we don't address those things. So, but there are so many more things, Greg, I think that you can attest you.

That we don't address before getting married. So we wanted to just continue on. into that discussion. Well, let me go, let me say that it's so important to take time in dating to walk through some of these things. That's why I'd always, to me, it's hard to swallow when someone's like, yeah, we dated three months and we got engaged and married and, you know, in nine months. And it's just like they're rushing this along versus really taking time to get to know

each other and address these things. And before marriage is really the time to do the bulk of the work. work if you can because one way or another you're going to have to do that. One is the whole thing of child rearing, family planning, you know, how we're going to deal with discipline. Because some people are just like, well, we'll deal with that when we have kids. Well, you know, there's a few things to talk about. One is, have you talked about a number of kids, you know, because sometimes people get into

marriage and it's like, no, I really only wanted two. And the other one's like, no, no, no, no, we talked about this. No, we didn't. I want, you know, so the number of kids. I want 12 kids. No, no. I thought we were really going to have five kids. No, no.

Actually, two. Wait, were we going to have kids at all? Yeah. Well, and I've seen that too, where couples get married and the ones just like, no, no, I never agreed to. I never wanted kids. And they're like, what? I always assumed that I always assumed that I'm thinking, don't assume. Talk about this.

You know, and the other thing is, what are you going to do if you can't have kids? You know, again, I get it. Some people are just like, well, why talk about it unless, you know, that's coming up? But eventually it is. These are things that you're going to face is, you know, how many kids are we comfortable with? Because if one's just like, no, I only want one or I only want the boy and a girl and then we're done, that can become a very difficult thing for a person, especially if it's the woman who wants more and the guy doesn't. because there's that desire for that, you know, nurturing and having those children. But either way, it's hard.

So a number of kids, what happens if we don't? Are we open to other things? Because when you can't have kids, I saw this once with a couple where they hadn't talked about it, and I get it. And they turned out to be infertile. And they tried all these different things. And so she wanted so bad to adopt. And they came into therapy because he,

kept saying, you know, well, yeah, I'll consider that, you know, give me some time. And then he would say a couple months since she'd come back and then he'd just keep pushing it out because he didn't really want to. And so instead of having that conversation, she's longing for it, thinking that he wants it. And he's not being honest with her right up front and just keeps dragging it out. Well, that created so much division in their marriage that they were they were struggling with whether to keep this marriage together. Yeah, I remember talking with you guys about this, because there's just so many things surrounding the nature of children

and fertility or infertility and whatever your religious standing or your moral standing on it, those are things that you really do need to know, like, where do you stand on certain issues? Like, will your husband require that you, use birth control? Is that something that you want to do? Should it be something that you do? And maybe that's something that's against your morals or against your religion. And if you don't know where your partner stands on that, that could be really challenging to overcome that. Definitely. Or like,

if you stand for or against in vitro fertilization and your spouse doesn't agree with you on that, but you're infertile, is that an option or not an option? Should it be? And so, So it's like if you don't, like if you're in the emotions, I remember mom saying this. Like if you're in the emotions of being unable to have children, it's like very, it's a very emotional situation. And it's really hard. You're really struggling and you're grieving that. And so having to try to make decisions in that moment is really hard.

Oh, well, let me give you a, you want to make your, no, I won't say it that way. If you really want to put some flesh on this, I had a couple of long time ago. that the reason that they came in, they were recently, Mary, not too long, had their first child, and apparently they didn't talk much about the birthing because in the midst of it, she wanted to have an epidural, and she just didn't feel like she could deal with the pain of it, and he refused. He's like, no, that's not, you know, it's not good for the baby, and no, we're not doing this. And it became a fight in the room to the point where he kept denying her this.

And so when it was all said and done, it was a very traumatic thing for her because she wanted that epidural. He refused it. And now she held this resentment against him months after this child was born. And it's like, that's not good. You cannot be doing that in the midst of it. I know with me and your mom, it was one of those we agreed to try and avoid an epidural. but our understanding was always we're going to do what's best in the moment

what makes sense and the most important is mom and baby are healthy and you know come out and we're doing well so yeah those are things that we need to talk about along with we talked about this a few shows back is what faith

are we going to raise the children in and even some people who are of the same They might both be Christians. They might both be Catholics. Sometimes there's some differences in their charism or one goes to this Protestant church and the other goes to this. So those are things to talk about and not be, you know, fighting over when it's time for their to decide that schooling for the child. So that's, you know, children is a big one to be talking about.

We get so, we get so caught up in the romance of a relationship and getting really excited about. about, you know, being loved or being, you know, having someone interested in you and all of the fun, like, fun stuff, which you should. You should have fun in the relationship. But also, it is interesting how often we forget about all of these things that happen or we don't think about anything past the right now. Well, and like we've said from John Van Epps, how to avoid a jerk or jerk at and how to balance a healthy relationship is one of those balancing the head and the heart kind of thing. You know, it can't be all head. It can't be all heart. It's one of those, we have to think it through, but we also want that passion and that, that attraction and that being drawn to one another

and that romance and all of that. So yeah, it's a balance, but I think too many people, they think it'll change. You know, marriage will make it better, and it doesn't. In fact, someone once said this, and maybe this is very pessimistic, but I've found it to be fairly true. The good things before marriage may or may not continue on into marriage. The bad things most likely will all, you know, go into marriage and they will be magnified. Unless you recognize them and you are working on them. But to think that just getting married will change it, no, it will magnify it. And I've seen that happen. Well, yeah, we saw this before marriage, but we didn't think. Here's another one. I would say is job expectations and role expectations.

Sometimes people weren't talking about that. I had a couple once that they were both military, and they both had these great jobs, and they got married, and he just assumed that she was going to stay home when they had kids, and she's like, no, I've got a good job here, and so they're battling over who has the most significant

that's best for the world, and I should stay in my job, and well, maybe we both work and we'll just get a nanny or, and it's this battle of expectation and who's going to fulfill what role. And I've had to really talk to them about, okay, your marriage is your vocation. It's there to help you, you know, grow in holiness and to become better and to grow in love. And everything should be at the service of this. But a lot of times people's jobs, you know, everything is at the service of their jobs versus the family. And so you've got to talk about that before marriage because you can't get into it going, wait a minute, I just assume you were going to stay home with kids.

And sometimes that's, you know, I've seen roles reversed where the guy stays home and he's great and he loves it. And the woman's, you know, working outside of the home. Again, that's something that you got to talk about. and if it works for you and it's good, great. I also want to clarify at this point that we're talking about these are conversations that you probably shouldn't be having in like week two, three, four of your dating relationship, probably not even within like month three of your dating relationship. Just to clarify, because I do know people that do this and they have these conversations

right away. So these are like very important conversations to have, but they're a surefire way to freak someone out and make them run screaming. if you try to bring them up too early. Well, that's a hard part about doing this whole, you know, relationship stuff is because we're talking about one situation in a box. But yeah, if you heard this just out of context, you'd be like, what, what? I should be talking about child.

How many children I want to my. No, not on the first date, not on the fifth date, not on the first six months, you know, please, don't. But you're right. Maybe once you start, like, seriously talking about getting married. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point. Glad that you put that caveat in there. This is just a reminder that you're listening to Wherefore Arthel Romeo, where we are discussing commonly unaddressed issues that can lead to unhappiness in marriage. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist Greg Shottie here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM.

Okay, so so far we've talked about, it's really important to discuss child rearing family plans, discipline that that all needs to be discussed and then job and role expectations. I don't know. Did you have anything else you wanted to say on that before you move on to another problem? Oh, I think I think, I mean, any of these could be, you could talk for long periods of time on, but I think just touching on the fact that people need to be thinking about some of these things. And we're not going to be able to hit on all the ones. But yeah. Can you just like make me a list of like what to talk about at what point in each part? part of the relationship, like month four, talk about this, at month five, talk about this.

Well, I knew someone like that, that they had this list and they were going to go through it with their perspective spouse. I'm like, yeah, you're going to freak them. And he did. And they're like, okay, I'm done with this. I can see where this one's going. But he was just like, no, I needed my list. I needed to go down through it. I'm just like, yeah, no, just write it on your hand, come up with a couple, and then move on to something fun. Don't make it obvious. Don't make it obvious. Please. Yeah. No, I get it because there's things that, you know, I look back on and go, yeah, I wish I would have asked. I wish I would have. But I thought it was really neat that your mom, we talked about this weeks ago, decided to sit down and write out a list of reasons to marry and the reasons to not marry Greg. So it's one of those where she was really thinking that all through. And I think that it's important to really look at those key areas in life. before you get married.

So a couple others that I throw out here is how to deal with communication differences. This is a huge one that plays out in marriage. And so the more you can work on creating a good pattern of communication in your whole dating phase is good. Some people don't. They just, they get used to talking over each other. get used to cutting each other off. They get used to one talks more than the other and that's okay. And in their mind, it's like the quieter one will say, you know, hey, I just enjoyed listening to her and I don't have a lot to

say. And you might get in that pattern and it seems fine at the time, but so many couples then move into marriage doing the same thing. And you've got to have a balance. And that's what I, I mean, this is 99% of the people that come into therapy. I'm working with them all. is how to better communicate. Because they're getting into a situation where they enter into communication angry or high emotions. They talk over each other. They listen to just enough to fight back.

They see it as a battle to win, whatever it might be. And so how do you deal with? And when I talk about communication differences, one of the biggest one I see is one who talks a lot and the other one who talks very little. And that one who talks very little shuts down. And the other one talks even more because they're frustrated with the person not talking. As if, you know, if I talk more, it'll get them to talk. And so what they end up doing is saying very nasty things and mean to just trying to prod them into saying something.

But it just turns it into an angry fight versus, you know, the one who doesn't talk as much, whether they're introverted or whether, you know, whatever it might be, they need to speak more. They need to speak their mind. the one who talks a lot really needs to listen more and balance this out. And so I would say really look at how your communication is playing out in your relationship. If you see yourself talking over each other all the time, you might want to rethink this. If this is someone that you're moving towards a very serious committed, possible, you know, marriage type relationship.

Because now's the time to build that good communication style. Yeah, I've definitely had some friends tell me that they, you know, are trying to figure out how to balance, like, the one person, you know, when they're struggling, they need to, like, just go and have some alone time and process things before they can hash it out. The other person just immediately wants to hash it out. And then they feel like they're the problem when it's not, like, when their, when their significant other needs to go process because they think that they did something wrong because they didn't get to talk. about it right away. And so like trying to navigate, allowing as someone who maybe wants to hash it out right away, allowing the other person to process first before doing that, it's very interesting because it's not necessarily a defect on either side. It's just the nature. That was, that was me and your mom. I was always trying to fix it. I wanted to fix it right

away. She needed time to think about it. And the more I pushed, the worse it got. And then she would be mad at me. And so I'd back down and I'd give in and I would, I'd apologize. And we just walked away both frustrated. And it took took me a while to learn that you need to let them have time to process. And I know it's hard for the fixer because we, you know, it's a pride thing. We don't want them to be mad at us. And we want to get this over with quickly. And it's like, no, it takes a process. And so take your time. There's actually ways that you can figure out what kind of a listener you are too, which I think is kind of helpful. Because if you can figure out what kind of a listener you are, like what you value in listening, do you value time?

do you value quality time with friends, like that connection? Do you value information? Do you, what, like, what is it that you value when you're listening? And that can actually be a really helpful way to understand yourself when you go and have conversations with people and work through, like that communication. And it can also be a way to help other people understand you and what you value when you're listening to them. I think that's really interesting because we don't, I feel like we don't spend enough time thinking about how to help other people process well. Because we spend a lot of time thinking about like what do I need and a lot less time thinking about what what does this other person need to help them walk through this the best that they can. You know, it kind of brings us

full circle back to that concept of being like the fixer, which we talked about last week, about like when you want to fix the person. But you know, honestly, first of all, can't do that. But the best way to kind of, I don't know, almost simulate a feeling of that is to you can help them by listening to them better, by learning how they listen and like understanding them better. And I think that that's really an interesting thing about the nature of relationships. I think you said it very well in the sense that we get too caught up in ourselves. And when we get too caught up in ourselves, it becomes, you've stepped on my toes and now I've got a fight.

Or I'm trying to prove my worth to you. Or I'm trying to, you know, build more connection with you versus are we building. more of it to be a pattern to be more curious about another person. And when we're curious about the other person and we are looking to know more about that person, and both doing this, that's where the relationship really grows. And if not, it becomes very contentious when we're trying to prove our worth. We're trying to ease our pride, whatever it might be, and we're self-focused. And in a sense, we're kind of bringing it also back to something we talked about last week, and that's the emotional intelligence.

You're developing your own personal emotional intelligence so that you can be better in a relationship, which is great. We just want to remind you that relationships are a process and they take time and effort. We want to help you learn to balance your head and your heart. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged because if you haven't found you Romeo or Juliet, take up gardening.

If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to Eschutte at Hillsdale. edu, and we will discuss them in future shows. If we would like to listen to already released shows, you can find them wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for Wherefore Art thou Romeo. I'm Emily Shuddy. And I'm Greg Shuddy.

On Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7F.