WRFH/Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM - Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: Waiting and Dating

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

Should I wait for someone if they are in a period of discernment or ask to take a break? How long, if at all? Emily and Greg explore this through the question, do I wait for him/her? 

Batman doesn't do ships, as in me. You complete me. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. It is not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art Thou, Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships

and how to achieve a meme between the extremes of hookup culture and over-discerned dating. Here's your host, Emily Shudy. Welcome to Where For Art Thel Romeo, the show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad, Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging. Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your or even your friend's relationship questions and concerns. So, Greg, today we're going to be discussing the topic. of to wait or not to wait.

One of our listeners asked if... Sounds Shakespearean here. To wait or not to wait. That is the question. To be or not to be? But we have someone who is asking if there is a situation in which you should wait on someone while they're trying to figure out their life basically. And this was their particular question.

They said, if the person you're interested in eventually says they are also interested in you, but they have decided to take some time to discern where God is calling them and to continue to grow as a person. And they say they wouldn't want you to wait if the Lord has other plans. How long do you wait for them to figure things out or do you wait at all? So kind of a long question. I'm waiting for the fun questions here. Man, I should have known better.

Come on, Dad. Let's talk about all these really hard and what are we going to have the one where we just talk about what are some of the fun things to do in a relationship. Maybe we could talk about that a little later. I think that's a good idea. Oh, okay, okay. Or now we could do it. No, I'm just kidding. Stay on track. Stay on track. It's all serious. No, no, no, no. I'm going to throw you for a loop there, laugh a little bit. Because, uh, yeah, no, I and I only say that because, sorry, I'm getting a little, little squirrel moment here. It's just, I think sometimes relationships get so heavy and we get so serious about them and which is which is fine you want to

think through them and think through the difficulties but it's also you know you just want that whole you just want to say to people now and then just lighten up just have some fun and and and quit worrying about you know is this going to go towards marriage well how about let's just go have some fun Let's go to and do fun things together and learn more about each other. And I don't know. We can talk more about that in a little bit. Yeah. I just, it's one of those things were.

That's so fair, though. I definitely have had those moments where I just wonder, wow, why are you guys dating? You don't seem to have any fun together. Everything is so serious. I mean, it seems like a relationship should be a fun thing. It should be enjoyable in many ways. I mean, obviously there are hard things that you have to work through, but I don't know. do more fun things play games well and you know it's sorry i'm really taking this look we'll get to

the question you just you really don't want to talk about serious things right now well no i'm sure that whoever wrote this is probably like no no wait a minute you didn't answer that we'll get to it um no but i i think that there's there's one of the things that was so important to me and and i know you know this about our family life was my focus was always about how do i build memory How do I build memories that really draw us together that really build upon the fun of life that in sometimes helps us through those difficult times. And because life can be hard and sometimes we need to hold onto those to realize it's not always the heavy. And so I think that's the same thing with relationships. And I guess that's one of the things I would throw out here in just saying this is what are you doing to build memories versus worried about in a,

everything that you say and everything that we do and everything versus can we just laugh together and i think there's a lot of people that would say yeah we do we have fun because that's that that is kind of that thing that draws us um but just looking at how we can take those times to build those memories together whatever it might be you know i yeah i remember a lot of fun ones with your mom just going on hikes and you know having a competition of catching falling leaves or whatever it might be. So anyway. You know, it was really sweet.

I was in my dorm the other day and one of my residents and her boyfriend were baking together. And I just thought it was really sweet because they, you know, we had a really good conversation. But they were just like having fun making food together. And I thought that was really special. Yeah. Yeah. I used to do that with mom. And the other one that she talks about was that I used to do send her on little,

you call them hunts, little scavenger hunts. And I would put together little cards with poems and it would send her to the next place. And so I brought that in with you guys growing up and, you know. Yeah, I remember that. You're always really good with the word puzzles. Yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. Just those fun little things that help us when things get a little hard.

We remember that we really have more to this than just, struggle. So this is your, this is your friendly reminder to lighten up in your relationships and have a little more fun. And if you haven't found your Romeo, no, sorry.

That's the end. We're all done. We're not going to answer any more questions. Thanks. It's been nice talking to you. Okay, let's get back to the question. You said, if a person you're interested in, say that again. So if you're interested in someone,

but they've decided that they need some time to discern God, calling for them and they don't want you to wait, but you kind of want to wait on them, like, should you at all? And like, how long if you do? Well, you know, I think that that's all going to depend on how much we've invested in this. You know, it's one of those if you're a year into a relationship and you've really built a lot, but things have come up in your life and you're like, my gosh, I really need to take some time to just think this. through for whatever reason it might be because there are things that you know it hopefully it's not just a

cop out it's one of those where i'm i'm not man enough or woman enough to to say look this is not going down the right path and maybe we just need to take a break um versus i'm discerning you know i think sometimes we throw that out there but there are those times when we hit things in our life where we're faced with um i've never really dealt with this like me and your mom in the the one that we were talking you know mom wanted to take a break because in her mind it was like she had never dated anybody else yeah and i think in her mind it was i i really like gregg and we have fun together but i don't want to get married someday going how do i know i've got nothing to compare it to And so I think in some ways that was something she had to figure out.

And not that it means that she has to go date 50 million people. Because as we laughed about in that one, I was the one that went out and it was only going to her back. And I'm not suggesting that to the people who are listening. But, you know, if it's something early on in a relationship, I mean, maybe that's just one of those key things that the person is saying, I'm not feeling this. but I don't want to hurt your feelings. So I think it's one of those things where you have to get on with your life.

You have to not sit around and wait and wait and wait because, and it doesn't mean that you have to find the next boyfriend or girlfriend. Because then it's, is it that you can only find yourself in a relationship or that you can't go on and do other things and keep building friendships? with others. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So, okay, it's really interesting. Trying to backtrack a little bit to what you said about, mom never having dated anyone else and kind of feeling like she needed to try it out a little bit more. I actually had someone ask me recently.

It was kind of like a presented to the table kind of question for everybody to put their thoughts in. but this person asked like do you think that it's you know normal or okay to like marry the first person you've ever dated or should you like should you have experience dating a lot of people so you like kind of know what you're looking for like is that necessary? I mean you can argue the point that you know some people just know who they want in life they've they've had a lot of friends and maybe they didn't date. a lot, but they knew what they liked and what they didn't like. And when someone came along that really met that. So you can, I mean, you can argue that. I don't think it's one that you have to have all of these experiences because there are people that that use that as an excuse to really kind of, for lack of better way of saying

this, kind of sow their oats and just, you know, meaning meet people, have sexual activity with them and just try all these different relationships. and that's not good either. It should be that we're trying to build a relationship with someone really get to know them and figure out how compatible we are. Is this a person that's willing to make changes in their life? Is this someone that I really feel drawn to and attracted to? Versus I've heard some people didn't date much, but they,

and I've heard this, you know, from someone that knew them very well, that they kind of settled for them because they didn't think they could get any better. And I'm like, that's a sad statement. Yeah. Is that what you're wanting to do is just settle because you're desperate for someone? Because desperation should not be the deciding factor. Yeah. And I think it's one of those where if you feel like, yeah, I just need to see what other people are like to just really see what I have.

with this person. I think that that was what mom was kind of saying. It's not like I have to date. It's just I think her thing was she didn't want to look back with regrets. And that I get. So if it's one of those, yeah, I'd like to just go on some dates with other people just to see and make sure. But then, you know, you can also say, well, is that fair to the person that you're now dating? Yeah. So that, yeah. There's no perfect. the perfect answer to that. Yeah. I think that, you know, I think it is good to have some connections, but that's why I really

push the whole friendship. If you can build strong friendships with people, if you can really, you know, even have those two or three deep friendships that you can share things with, that's that really trying to figure out how can I be in a relationship with another person? And how can I learn what another person's like? How can I be a true friend to them and a true confidant? And all of those things are really good for when you find that person that you want to be with the rest of your life. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

This is just a reminder that you're listening to Wherefore Art Del Romeo, where we are discussing the question to wait or not to wait. I'm your host, Emily Shuddy, and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist to Greg Shuddy here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. Before we get back into the conversation on waiting or dating, let's take a moment to ask, how long has it been since you've attempted to romance someone? I have here with me my somehow successfully married big brother Joshua for this segment of Pitchin Woo, pick up lines for all your romantic endeavors.

Is it okay if I follow you around out here? My parents always told me to follow my dreams. Can you take me to the hospital? I think I just broke something falling for you. I'm not so good at holding conversations. Do you mind if I just hold your hand instead? Aww. Would you like to see a picture of a beautiful person? Okay, hang on, let me find a mirror real quick. Do you believe in love in first sight or should I circle the block and walk past again? Aww. I'm learning about important dates and history. Would you like to be one of them?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I think I would put eye next to you. Have I mentioned that I'm writing a book? It's a phone book, to be precise. but it's missing your number. Do you think you could help me with that? So I guess to kind of return us to our original question about that, to wait or not to wait. So this specific question kind of gives me the impression that this person is talking about someone who has just expressed that they kind of like you. So it's like really early on. So I think what we've addressed so far has been maybe more of a situation in which maybe you have had a history. And so you're kind of trying to figure out that. But say you really don't. You've

been friends. Maybe you've kind of been in this limbo of sort of dating, but never really defining that. But then you finally say something about it. But then you're like, but actually I'm discerning or I'm thinking about doing something else. And I just don't feel like, I don't know. It doesn't even seem like in this question, this person is saying that they don't want to be with you, they're just saying that they're trying to figure something. Sure, no. And I think that that happens sometimes. And I think that that's kind of a, it can be a healthy beginning. So you might go out with someone. You know, you get the guts up and you ask them out and we go on a luncheon or something like that and you get done. And it's kind of the question of,

you know, which would you want to do this again? And I think that there's nothing wrong when, if someone's says, you know, I had a good time. I really do enjoy the time with you. Let me think about it. Let me and pray about it or whatever. Because I think it's just one of those things where you don't want to make quick decisions. And you got to decide, you know, is going on another date kind of the progression I want to do at this point? There's something there. There's more I would like to find out. And so, yeah, but there's other times where you're just like, I don't know. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, that was, that was great, but I was, you know, I'm not sure I'm prepared for this.

So they need some time to think about it and all of that. And that's where I would say, just build a friendship with, with, with them if that's okay or if they're, if they are saying, no, I need some distance for whatever reason, then give them that. But if they're just saying, let's, you know, I just kind of want to walk through this slowly, then do that. But it's also one of those where I think you got to, you got to decide at what point is it one of those you need to, you kind of need to decide. Is this something that we want to move forward with or is it something where we just need to be friends? And be honest with one another. I think that the worst thing that can happen is where it just lingers, you know, and you're sitting there going, how long do I wait? Well, if you're

waiting and waiting and you have no information and you don't know, and next thing you know, you see him or her talking with someone else for a long period of time, and then it becomes this mental game. And I think that that's where we have to be, have the integrity to be just honest with each other. And it could be hard to just say, look, I'm, I had fun, but I'm not, I'm not feeling it. It's it's it you're great as a friend but I'm not sure that I want to take this further. And for some people that's that could be devastating or it could be hard. But I'll tell you, it's a lot better to deal with those sooner than later. Yeah. Then to get into and because I've seen this too where people drag out a relationship because they're too afraid to let go of it.

They are having fun. Um, and then finally when they, They drop the bomb and say, enough's enough. It's devastating. And you've invested a lot of your life and time versus just be honest. If you need a break, great. But don't sit there and wait for someone. Yeah. I think I would also add that it might be dangerous to make that decision to wait.

Because sometimes I'm not going to say that all people do this, but I have seen people do this where they use this idea of discernment as an excuse to not hurt your feelings. And so they say that, but then you see them, like you said, maybe going out with somebody else. And then you're left with all of these questions about, but they told me they were not really planning to date anybody. Why? What's going on? Well, you make another great point here. And I'm going to reveal something that I'm not, I'm not, I'm not proud of. Um, because I think sometimes you've got to be careful of the player. The player, and it's not necessarily I want to paint everyone that does this as a player,

like they're just trying to use people, but I think sometimes it's also the person that doesn't want to limit themselves and whatever. And so they just want to hold on to the relationship, but they don't want to jump into it. And so you're left to linger and you have a relationship, but you don't know where it's going. You know, there was someone that I dated back in high school. And we would go out here and there. But, you know, this is back when I was young and stupid.

And I readily admit it. And it was one of those where I wanted to have that relationship, but I didn't want others to know about it. Just in case there were other options. And I know that sounds horrible. But as a young kid, you know, who's just getting into relationships and all of that, and not having enough guidance, I did that. And it really crashed and burned because we had fights between me and this girl because I was, you know, I liked her, but I just, I didn't make a decision.

And I kind of lingered versus just being very honest with her that, no, this is probably not back. at this time. So we learn things through good times and we learned things through stupid mistakes. And again, like I said, not proud of it. And we later on in life, we became friends. So that was good. But you got to be careful that, you know, is it someone that really just needs a break to think? Or is this someone that's just kind of not willing to make a decision? And I'll never forget, even with your Aunt Janice. So many times some of these boys would just linger and she would just be like, you know, poop or get off the pot. And we're not. And she literally would say this.

She's like, you know, we're either going somewhere or we're not. We're either moving towards or we're not. And when they couldn't decide, she's like, okay, I need to move on. Yeah. I can't just wait for you to somehow wake up. And sometimes I think it really comes down to this, Emily, is do we trust God? do we trust God that he has the best for us? And we don't have to make everything work. Yeah. And I think, you know, so I think you don't wait forever. You go, okay, I just need to move on, spend time with friends.

Or if someone else comes along, you know, go out. And yeah, I love the country song. And I think it's, it's, there's a lot to it. I don't know if you've ever heard it. It's called. Thank God for unanswered prayers. I think I have heard of that. And it was one of those where I was praying for this, but God didn't answer it because that was not meant to be. It's like, hmm. Yeah, yeah. Got one thing right in country, I'm not hating on country. Yeah, yeah.

And on that note, I just wanted to remind you all that relationships are process and they take time and effort. And we just want to help you balance your head and your heart. we want you to succeed. This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, have more game nights. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to E-Shoudi, S-C-H-U-T-T-E at Hillsdale.edu,

and we will discuss them in future shows. If you would like to listen to our previous shows, you can find them wherever you find your podcasts. That's all for Wherefore Art thou Romeo. I'm Emily Shodi. And I'm Greg Shuddy. on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM.