WRONG! A Fucked Up Game Show - #19 – THAT COUNTS AS CONSENT, RIGHT? (ft. Graham Kay, Katharyn Henson, Reuben Kaye)

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

Recorded live at Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 8/7/24.OUR BRAVE CONTESTANTS: Graham Kay, Katharyn Henson, Reuben KayeSUBSCRIBE ON YOUTUBE! We’ve got full video of battles there!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠COME SEE US LIVE!⁠⁠⁠⁠ Upcoming Shows:SAN DIEGO: 9/21 @ Mic Drop, 10 PMLA: 10/5 @ The Comedy Store, 11:45 PMcover photo by Van Corona Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everybody, Jay Light here. Thanks for tuning in to another podcast edition of Wrong, a fucked up game show. I am so excited to bring this one to you. Last month, we did the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 11 shows and 11 days, back to back to back. And this show, one of my favorites from the festival, features an absolutely incredible lineup, including Graham Kay, Catherine Henson, and Best Comedy Show nominee for 2024, Ruben K. It also has some great games, including one that I love. We've been doing here on the show

since February, called Unhinged, that after midnight, just did a version of on their show. I'm not tooting my own horn when I say this. There's a reason you saw it here first, and there's a reason that ours is the better version of the game. Listen and enjoy. Find out for yourself. If you want to see us live, that is the best way to see us. You can come to our show in San Diego at Mike Drop Comedy Club on September 21st at 10 p.m. Or back in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store in the Belly Room on October 5th at 1145 p.m. That's right, we are slightly before midnight. If you like late night shows, but you want to see what they're like, not on network television.

Wrong late night at the comedy. store is the show for you. So come check that out. You can get ticket links in the show notes for both of those shows. And please tell a friend, subscribe to the podcast if you haven't already. Tell some friends about us. If you want to see full video versions of the shows, there's a link in the show notes for our playlist on YouTube. We've got almost every show that we've done so far uploaded there. As a recording, there are three fringe shows left to upload and then our show from last week at the Comedy Store. All those will be out soon. And because we have such a big backlog of shows,

we are going to be going weekly on the audio podcast for the foreseeable future. So stay tuned, tell your friends. And without further ado, let's get wrong. Thank you so much for coming. This is a great night. I see a lot of Just The Tonic folks. And I make sure noise for our wonderful staff here

to the Tonic. We're so excited. All here to see this show. Who likes game shows? Who likes game shows in the room? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, it's like everybody, this is fucking fantastic. I love game shows myself,

but on most game shows, you want people to do things right. Not here. We want people to do things. Okay, we got it. Okay, we got to do a little better than that. We want people to do things, the spirit. You guys know what's going on here. Very nice.

We have some of the best comics from across the world, across the fringe, here to tell you what they think is fucked up. We're having a competition tonight to see who is the most fucked up comedian. You guys ready to see how they play it? We're going to be competing in a contest with multiple things. We've got stand-up.

They've asked to do some dark, dirty stand-up. We've got some games. We're going to go into their old social media posts. Dig through their pasts. See what they forgot that they said all those years ago. Psychological warfare. That's what we're here to commence. We've got some fun games. We're very excited. And we have a critical person. A great audience here. two and just like our comics the audience you guys get a chance to win some prizes as well

yes let's go let's go mate let's go ahead and start off with our first game this isn't one for the audience this one's called worst week this is your first chance to win some prizes out of the audience uh and here at wrong we're celebrating things that are fucked up right so we're gonna make sure on the same page or anybody have something fucked up happening to them today raise your hand if you had something fucked up happened to you today this past week You're thinking hard. It seems like you already have something in mind that you're not sure if you're even allowed to talk about. You're okay? Come on, mate.

You got searched? You got searched? Oh, but this was like last month. You know what? We'll take it because no one else is raising their fucking hands. What's your name? Seth. Seth. Make some noise for Seth. I swear this happened.

We're off to a great start. Some Romanian chandar marie guys in Romania with my friend here. They stripped me naked and they looked up my asshole. Because they thought I was smuggling drugs. And it's a real story. They put me in a room, they locked me in a room and took all my things and stripped me naked and looked up my assail. Now I'll tell you what, I'm looking at you and you do look like you would be smuggling drugs up your asshole. But that's good.

and they didn't catch anything. No, it was not. It was... So, Columbia, of course, that makes sense. They were deep up there. They checked the wrong hole, Chad. Went down the wrong intestine. Well, does anybody think they can beat Seth with his fucked up thing?

It sounds like probably not. That's my guess. Seth, good news. Congratulations. You won our first audience prize. Come on to the stage. Come on up here, make. Think about for Seth, everybody. Tyler is going to tell you what you want.

So just hang tight right here. Tyler. him Jay, look back there. You want a dash o doric. A dash o doric. You see a, Jay? No. It's the book. There it's a dash o doric. The wit and wisdom of the Northeast. There you go. That's how you can talk your way out of getting your ass search next time. Congratulations. Make noise for Seth. These fucked up things. And you know what? Now it's time to start playing our contestants. Let's get fucked up. It's time for our first round. Make some noise.

First round, the comedians are going to tell you they're most fucked up material. I don't know why I'm doing this voice, but it feels appropriate right now. You're real joker energy tonight, Jay. I have a lot of, I saw Mr. Chonkers today. I saw a clown show, and I feel like I have absorbed some energy.

I am going to burn down a hospital later tonight. Okay, maybe I won't. Maybe you guys like it when I don't burn down hospitals. I love it, Jay. Make some noise for Tyler, my scorekeeper. We love Tyler. Tyler supports my bad decisions. Burn down a hospital, Jay.

Do it. Burn down. We have some great comics on tonight. Your first contestant, ready to tell you what they think is fucked up. Some darks, some dirty jokes. Used to work in a BDSM sex dungeon. Yes. Yes. So when someone said they were tied up at work, that could mean anything.

Makes a noise for Catherine Henson, everybody. I have to be clear, I was the manager, okay? of the whole dungeon. So that was actually a lot of responsibility. A lot of loop to keep track of. I like doing fucked up shows. I like being kind of weird on stage. I think it's because it's my shadow self

that comes on stage. You're looking at it. You know the shadow? Like we all have our ideal self and that's who we get dressed and bring outside to interact in the world every day. First we're trying to convince everybody we are all of the time.

Then we all have our shadow. It's our weird stuff. Dark stuff stuff we're hiding from ourselves and the rest of the world. Yeah, porn search history over here It's the person who shaved that mustache on you. That's your shadow. Yeah It looks good. It looks good to ride So he's gonna be doing it later. I don't know But I bring mine on stage. That's what I like to do up here. I get up here talk about all my dark thoughts weird stuff trauma I'm from America so the only reason I become a school shooter is because someone handed me a microphone first so

Lucky you. I ran over here and I'm very sweaty right now. I definitely feel like I'm leaving here with a yeast infection. You guys fuck with yeast over here, gentlemen? The worst. I once got one, a yeast infection, it was legendary. It blossomed the night before I was getting on a nine-hour bus rind. Woof.

Yeah. I discovered it at nighttime. All the stores were closed, so I couldn't go by medicine. So I got on Google to see about home remedies I might have just laying around. First thing that went up in there, clove of garlic, just right up in there. I feel like you guys look confused right now. I read on the internet that garlic is meant to cure yeast, all right? I wasn't just like, let's make an Italian.

Walk up the next day, garlic didn't work. Now his vampire flaps down there. Still to get on the bus, though. got back on Google just to see what else was on the list. Clove oil, slathered some of that on there. Yogurt, shot that up in there. Double down on the garlic, started running for the bus. Now making a smoothie.

I'm glad I did. I got on that bus and I was feeling hungry. I got almonds in my bag. To dip in the smoothie. It was a nine hour bus ride. Only took seven hours though. The driver drove very fast. smell rancid.

It was exactly like the movie Speed, except if the driver went under 50 miles per hour, I just sit on his face. All right, that was a throwback reference. That's fine. Go home, watch the movie, enjoy the joke later. That's fine. I had to get on this bus. I was traveling in the United States from New York to Maine.

I was going to my friend's family reunion in a cabin in the woods for five days. I didn't know anybody. So my only access to medicine for the next five days was stealing garlic from a stranger's kitchen. Five days. On the fifth day, the spaghetti there tasted horrible. But my pussy? Kbella.

On the fifth day, I got on a flight back to New York, and while I was on the plane, I was like, man, when I get home, I got to buy some modern medicine, I have to fix this problem, and when I got back to my apartment, I discovered I started my period. Yeah, that shit went from Pesto to Maranero real fast. So my next move was to go into a pharmacy, walk up to a pharmacist, start declaring what was inside of them in here like I was at customs. I was like, hello, good afternoon, there's Easter's blood, there's food. Like, what do I do?

Pharmacist told me to buy a medicine called monostat one, said it would just cure the problem overnight. So I went home, I put monostat one inside of me with the rest of the items. I went to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning, my vagina was gone, okay? Yeah, completely gone. Gone like my dad. Poof, gone. In its place was just like the charred remains of diner bacon. I don't know if you had breakfast this morning. It was crispy, dripping, smooth. Like oddly smoothed, the whole smooth shot, like a Kendall. Had to throw out the whole pussy, grow back a new one.

No hot girl summer for me, okay? So the moral of this story is never, ever let my ex-boyfriend go from back to front. Yeah, no, never let him do it. I don't care whose mom just died, okay? That's dark, that's dirty, that's fucked up. That's what we love here on Wrong. Your next contestant, one of my favorite Canadians, he's got a friend show about having an autistic brother,

or as we call it, having a brother who's extra Canadian. You know, but I live in America now, Jay. I do. Yeah, and I didn't move to pursue my dream in comedy. No. No, I moved for freedom. And, yeah, yeah. It's going pretty good.

Thank you. I've had healthcare my whole life, and I do not have it anymore. So, I never felt more free. Just free from the shackles of security. I got new glasses, because my old ones, I bought them, and I thought I looked pretty cool, and they were, like, plastic and kind of bigger,

kind of aviator style of plastic. And then I bought them, and I was like, yeah. I looked, this is good. And then that Jeffrey Dahmer show came out. Yeah. The guy who played Jeffrey Dahmer, the actor, he got a lot of flack online because he did not acknowledge the victim's families when he won like a Golden Globe Award or something. And it's like, what do they want to do?

Do you want to get up on stage and be like, thank you. Thank you for this award. Thank you to my agent Michael. Terrence, you were with me in the beginning. And my parents, that also reminds me, fuck, a big shout-out who had their gay sons eaten. When they were not eaten, people were neighbors, smelt their rotting flesh, and that's how he eventually was found out.

Would not be... Why did, like, did they think that he, like, why did they, why did they, why are they angry? Did they think that the family, the victim's family? Why did they think the victim's families were at the golden globes? Just a man in a tuxedo? Well, my son was. eating so I got a free ticket to the golden globe I was having a grand time

son of a bitch didn't acknowledge the other guy that wasn't him eating my son that's the most I've ever been upset with someone speaking of being chopped up my next door neighbor I moved into a new place and and the next driver was like yeah come she come check on my place and I'm And then I noticed he had a little hatchet under his bed. And I got like a little axe. And I was like, hey, you got a little axe? A little hatchet under your bed?

He's like, yeah. He's like, you should get one. I'm like, why? He's like, in case anyone tries to steal your shit. Get one. I was like, I will not get one. I do not need one because I have purchased apartment insurance. It's $9 a month.

It covers me for all thefts. What that means? is if I wake up out of a dead sleep and I see a man in my living room unscruing my four-year-old 42-inch Samsung television I bought on Cyber Monday, I'll say, take it! I have apartment insurance!

What I won't do is wake up out of a dead sleep and chop a man in hat! In the very home I live in, I live with the trauma of killing a poor person, probably on meth, self-medicating because he was molested as a child. So I chop his fucking head off

in my living room. And you want the TV, take it! You mean the very TV that I bought and four years ago, and now for the last year, inexplicably, every time I turn it on, the first thing it prompts me with is memory full. Would you like to upgrade?

Yes or ignore. And I go, fuck you, ignore. You're a TV. You have no memory. You show me the shows and then you fuck off. That's my computer's business. Speaking of which, if you would like to steal my 5-year-old MacBook Pro, that gets so hot, it turns my knees.

What's going on in there? Loading up Gmail, just... The most expensive thing I own is a mid-century modern dining room table set with four chairs. I live on a second story with no elevator. I would pay more than $9 to watch you put that on your back in the dead of night and negotiate the steps. I'm not going to chop a man in half, and they're just going to drag his body out.

It's my job to clean all the skull out of the fence with a cute tip. All right, my name's Gray and Kay. Bye. Okay folks. We've got one more contestant we're about to meet. Your final contestant's friend show is at a beautiful venue with a full band So we would like to thank him for coming to our show that is held together by Gaff tape and humidity Please make some noise for Ruben K everybody. What are your pronouns? Nom nom nom nom No Just a bit posh spice out of the way. This is um

No, this feels better just come down here. Get up feels nice. You don't mind if I just sort of Israel my way in here do you? This is fun. Where are the gays? I'm always set into a rally real quick, didn't it? Queers? Great. And here's my favourite. Where are the women in the room who are in a straight relationship, or as I call it a hetty regretty, who think their boyfriend is by, but he doesn't know it yet?

You get shot, that's not nice. I can say it, I'm Jewish. raised by Jews reared by Catholics I To speed the fucker I took a barroca and a pan at all before this and I don't know which one was rectally but something is phasing So I'm from Australia I've got a band Rubin K in the Mainswets and I was

As mum said better late than pregnant Thank you She didn't say that she said I'm drunk find your own epipen Have you made that noise before? No, it's 2024. Every voice is valid. So I've been writing the show and I've been nervous about bringing the show over here because I didn't know if anyone here, I mean, you're not really part of the UK. That's why the Serial people are so lovely.

We would get it because Australia was in this really unique position when I wrote my show. Let's pull this up. It's like a little outsource the hate crime so I can hang myself. where Australia was sort of on its way to being a progressive kind of country with a firm manufacturing base, right? And then through about maybe 10 or 15 years of a pretty harsh, corrupt, conservative rule, they've depowered that manufacturing base, they've devalued the worker, they've devalued the unions, underfunded health and education because the sick and stupid population is easier

to control with the media monopoly. They use the pandemic as a massive smoke screen to transfer wealth, real estate resources off to their mates and a huge game of Pass the Parson, but it's actually our future they're passing around and unwrapping like an unconscious choir boy in the Vatican. Because of that, the economy's in free fall and house prices have spiked harder than the drinks at Phillips Schofield's birthday party. You can't afford to buy, afford to own. Have you seen the price of cocaine recently?

I can't even afford to die. And it means for us, the working class, me, working class, not by my pronouns, a serf and turf. Of course, that I best are only a resource, our time and our attention to a tiny piece of helicopter glass and lithium mined by a two-year-old in the Democratic Republic of Congo just so we can panic scroll at midnight through images of children in rubble, suflay recipes, and home anal bleaching methods for us so we have a new hole, a prettier hole for the world to fuck us in as we all watch the promise of a progressive kind society slip out of reach like a dildo without a flared bass. I've just thought that anyone here is going to get it.

These trousers. I want to Shawshank Redemption out the cuff. Like a kitten getting out of a bath of yogurt. I've recently been touring around Australia, and I'm not really allowed to go back at the moment. Come to my show, it's a whole thing. But I recently went the gay version of off-road, which is off-land. I've been on a cruise ship.

Who's been on a cruise ship? Yeah, it's a bit of a suicide note written in Comic Sans, isn't it? Who's been on a gay cruise? Gay cruise? You're just these two? I love that you're outing these two, yet you're the one in a sleeveless knit. Mani in Bordecair's hands up his ass. Who hasn't?

But you're sitting there in a sleeve listening to go, they're the faggots. His hand smells just like fucking shit and cum. Are you know? Satan's gravy. I... I don't want sprinkles on mine. Thank you so much.

Stir them and flurry. I... I think that's funnier than that reaction. I'm just putting that on you. So I went on a gay cruise, and I found this out about the gay crews. I found it quite... extraordinary. It was five and a half thousand queer people sailing hundreds of

kilometers out to sea. Suella Brabman was thrilled. Just horrified it came back. Right? But it was five and a half thousand of us sailing as far away as we could from civilization just to find a small patch on this earth where we had a modicum of safety or joy, excuse me, that's my mind. A modicum of safety or joy or family and that's that's so rare these days. That jacuzzi goes through a bit of a journey though, doesn't it? You want to get in that early, I'd say. Because on day one, it's like Evian, but by day three, risotto.

It wasn't even on, it was just frothing from the hand jobs going through to eat at and at the cruise. And at the end of the cruise, they just found a poor twink at the bottom who couldn't break through the crust. It was like a gallic fish in winter. The Ted Hughes poem. Anyway, there's a twink in my dress room who's not getting any fresher. And that tweak is me. I've been Rubin Kay. Thank you.

Oh yeah, someone grab Rubin's fan please. Thanks for all of our contestants. Thanks for noise to your comics everybody. Satan's gravy for the rest of my life. That is a forever memory for me. What is? Satan's gravy? Use, use it and always think of me. Clap and I'll come is the funniest thing I've ever heard of that.

So. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, how's everybody doing on the scoreboard so far? Wow, what around, Jay. It was all over the place. We heard about chopping homeless people in half to pesto pussy to Satan's gravy, you sent it yourself, and I gotta give it the best of the night, Satan's gravy, 600 points of Rubin, 500 points, 500 points, we're gonna... ...at least start, you guys are proving... I think this actually might be our best panel we've had so far. You guys are in for a real treat tonight. This is a real, we're in a real rarefied. air. Your next game for these comics is a game we like to call in Tweetment.

It's basically just as it sounds. We've gone through all of our contestants' old Twitter posts. We have found tweets that they might have forgotten that they said. Which one of my accounts? Is it the alt? Because that's mainly just pictures, doll. We've got some good stuff. All the other things we found have blanked out some words. They're going to make them get. guess what they have said and found. How are you guys all feeling?

You seem a little bit, you know. My last tweet was in 2013, so let's party. Yes. Graham. I'm a visual learner. You explained me the rules back there, and I had no idea what you were talking about. I'm just going to have to muscle through this,

and we'll see what happens. Well, we got one example. We're going to start off with one of mine. Now, I never know what these are. my researchers find these for me. These are always embarrassing, and I'm... Let's just get it.

Let's just rock and roll. I'm losing my fucking mind. Let's see it. Every single day doing the show and seeing what horrifying things they found. Okay, okay. Having a hard time truly understanding the 21st century sexual revolution,

blank. No retweets. About the part for the course for my tweets. September 12th, 2015. 637 p.m. I had literally, I had gotten sober a week before I posted this tweet.

I have been sober for almost nine years. It was a week before the suite was posted. Did you get pegged on 9-11? I forgot. Thank you. Getting pegged on 9-11 is legitimately funny. That's a political, patriotic. My tower, yeah, that's my... I gotta take my own towers down.

my own towers down. They gotta find building seven. How quickly we slid. This is our first option. I don't know what this is. The comics are gonna get a chance to guess before I do. Option one. Having a hard time truly understanding

this 21st century sexual revolution. Do I have to call my non-binary friend 0110 now? Oh, hey. Okay, this one, this one's bad enough that I could see this one being the real deal. I could see this happening. Option two.

Having a hard time truly understanding this 21st century sexual revolution. Where was this all being a slut is cool when I was trying to have sex in high school? Accurate laugh. Option three. Was that your wife? No.

My wife left me as soon as the show began. Having a hard time truly understanding this 21st century sexual revolution. Until last week, I thought gender fluid was a nicer name for Jiz. Yeah, the laughs turning into groans. That feels exactly how I felt watching this one play out on the screen. I feel like I do know which one this one is. Comics, what do you all think?

What do we got going on here? I think it's the first one. Okay. The binary one. Binary one, zero zero one. I feel bad for you. These are all bad. These are all I do, I do.

I don't know. I'm sure you're going to find something disgusting and awful from me, but I will, like, own it. And this is just, I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm sorry, this happened to you. I did this to myself. By you, yeah.

Yeah, this is all on me, and I will take this one wherever I need to take it. I'm going to agree with Graham. I kind of think you might have been like, this will be my hot take on the new thing happening. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're like, Like this is going to be the one that sends me over.

I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I can feel how excited you were. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like masturbator after this. Yeah. You jerked after you hit set. So, there you go.

I feel like I'm going to bucket and go for option number two. Okay. I get the vibe like, thank you. I love what faggot out there. Yeah, bitch. Work. Angelou at a resistance rally. Good work, cute.

I love it. I'm gonna go the la the second one I can see you being sexually frustrated in high school You give up a very How do I put this nicely school shooter who couldn't hack corporate? Fair fair Totally fair yeah, yeah, so I'm gonna go for number two Sorry, did no one else hear the name of the show when they booked the ticket This is this is you're not you're not too far up base I have to dress nice I have to dress nice and

If I wear all black, I do look like Columbine Napoleon Dynamite. I have to be careful. Yeah. I actually, I think I know which one this is. I think it's in the same, it's in the same sort of vein as the first one, but I am almost certain it is this one, this really fucking hacky, jizz, gender fluid joke is what I'm guessing it is. Are you still a virgin?

And in which hole? All the nostrils. All the holes, but yeah, the nostrils. in the ear hole. We can go for that. And I'm meant to be two-way tweets, but we give it a red hook. It was this one. No one reacted. Correct response for this horrible tweet. Make some noise for everybody.

I think so. Tyler, yeah, Tyler, can we take away some points from me? Always. Always taking her points away from you, Jay. Good, I like this. We're going to get going with Catherine's Twitter now. As Catherine mentioned, Catherine hasn't tweeted since 2013. We found one, I believe, from 2011. Yeah, January 25th, 2011.

Blank, I was finished masturbating, blank. No likes, no retweets. Now you know why I stopped tweeting. It's sad. The 119 AM. Fire that into space. Just goes masturbating. Somebody cares.

Somebody cares. Trying to connect. What was going on at this time of your life? Alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Yeah, hell yeah. Cocaine. Yeah, a little cocaine.

A little bit. I know around this time I picked up a man who lived in his car. Nice. Why is no one laughing at my pain? I don't understand. I would say the profile name tells that story. Yeah, thank you. You, girl, you nasty.

For one, a white girl to have the profile name, You Girl, You Nasty. That's a stroke of genius. It's accurate. A stroke of something. We are stroking. Tyler, I think we should take away points from you for that one. Oh, well, I'm in charge of points, so I'll decide.

Thanks, Jeremy. All right, Catherine. We're going to show some options. if you think you know which one the real one is. Don't say it until the very end because Graham and Reuben we'll get a chance to guess first. Option one.

This morning I found out I had started my period once I was finished masturbating. Hello Monday. Option two. My roommate said we need to talk about boundaries and I told her that I absolutely agree once I was finished masturbating with the door open. Option three.

Brook up with a guy who made me call him Daddy after he said I couldn't have dessert until I was finished masturbating and eating my Brussels sprouts. Graham, Rubin, which one do you all think might be the real tweet? I'm really tickled by I'm tickled by the last two.

I literally thought it was going to be like bonjourno, I just finished masturbating. Pesto, pontuti. So many pine nuts. I just shoot him out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the Italian version of the Thai ping pong show. It's just pie nuts and maybe some salami.

I love, I really love the length of broke up of the guy who made me call him daddy after he said I couldn't have dessert until I was finished masturbating and eating my Brussels sprouts. I hope it's that one because that one really made me giggle. All right. Graham, were you giggling? I was giggling. I thought they were all great, whoever the Ghost Rider was.

Say, what did you do some of those up there? It wasn't so good. Somebody gets somebody a job. Sorry, I started thinking about salami and nuts coming out of a vagina, and I'm kind of spiraling and kind of forgot the first two. Yeah, and I think the arts are turning. me gay. Turning me off vaginas.

I bet I would. Doesn't it look like a way hotter version of me. Hair's just better. It's just better. I will never look this good on the stage in my life. So, well done you. I remember, I like the second one. I can't remember what it is, but I think it's the second one.

I think it's the second one. Catherine, yes, with the door open, roommate, with the door open. The first one, I didn't like, do it. Yeah, the second one. Yep, sorry. All right. I, I know.

I know which one it is. Which one is it? So I should say it? Hit it. I'm upset right now because nobody thought the real one was funny. And that is why, that's why I stopped tweeting. That's why I stopped tweeting. I think that's funny.

I do think that's just a complete goddamn massacre. The Godfield of the Dolmereon. You know, pussy's just as giant lizard. He's like, we're a Monday. There is. That really happened. That really happened. Yeah, there you go.

That's just a dear diary moment. Yeah, at least I got three likes with mine. Jesus Christ. But let's go and move on to Graham K. Graham, we found this tweet from you that is one of the more horrifying blanks that we've ever set up on the show. I'm so scared. Just a disclaimer for everybody. I'm so fucking scared.

Okay. Here we go. Blank! You've never heard of me before tonight. This is the trail I've left. Also, that's the day before my birthday. What a present. September 21st, 2020.

I think I've told two now jokes about fucking dead people. The Dominar one anyway. This got six likes. It's pretty good. Hey, look at it. And two comments. Fireall. Heartland security.

Yeah. Graham, we're going to show off some options here. Catherine and Rubin, we'll get a chance to guess first, so just, you know, stew with this one for a little bit. Option one. This pandemic has been hard on a lot of people, but sexual predators are really taking a hit. Imagine the whole world being on Zoom and you're like, but how do I fuck dead kids? And awe, Meredith. Option two, I'm rewriting the sixth sense,

but instead of a child whispering, I see dead people, it's a pedophile whispering like pop dead kids. Hashtack six cents. Or option three, when women find out I'm single in my late 30s, they probably just think I haven't met the right person yet,

but I'll bet a person. A small part of them wonders if I fuck their kids. Oh. Catherine Roofing. You want to take this? It's the six-sense one. I feel like it's got to be the six-s-sense one. The six-sets is so funny.

But I feel like... This one's bad. This one, this one fits with your aesthetic, but the... Does it? But six cents. fits with your humor. Yeah. And I don't know what's come first.

Well, obviously not the dead kids. That is very good. That is very good. Yeah. Yeah, on that point, I think the second one is the most well-written, dead kid fucking joke up here. Maybe just like the dead kid, I'm on the fence about this. This is a tough call.

You gotta lock in an official. answer before we can go and see what Graham can recollect. I'm going six cents. I'm going number two. I'm going to give you the credit as a comedian and say six cents. Okay. I think it's real funny. Yeah. Thank you. I do not remember, but I am going to guess because it is a poorly written run on sentence, the last one.

No. I think it's the last. We think better. Yeah. Oh my goodness. You were crying. That second one. Damn.

I wish. You would do you wrote that? That was that was that was a Tyler one. Tyler, have you ever thought about hosting? You guys want to know what the comments are? Yeah. I've wondered that since you were much younger. And well, now I'm wondering.

No, I remember that comment. Yeah, she's dead now. Let's go and move on to Ruben K. Ruben, we have a tweet. Just before you show it. show it. Can you just make sure if I'm racially appropriating something, can you make sure I look thin when I'm doing it? We have a tweet. No pictures, unfortunately. We found the real. We found the real deal. We got this one from 2014. Oh dear. Sorry, straight men in the room. Consent is just go to a gate. You'll figure it out soon enough. We have blank. Dot, dot, dot, dot. This counts its consent, right? Hashtag.

something I was such a fan of a long hashtag I was such a fan of a long hashtag I thought it was a comic genius that's what she said we got a no retweets two likes two 32 a.m. March 30 2014 yeah what was going on what was this point of your life like Rubin 2014 I was in London I was working as a butler in private members clubs and in people's homes I was living in a bus that was hooked up through an extension cord to a pub where one of the other butlers was squatting. God, even the homeless Brits over here, you guys have much better living situation than I can see their kids. That sounds like to roof and a business.

And I was about to go on a contract to a casino in McCown. which would end up in everyone embezzling all the money and leaving all the acts stranded with no passport and me in the middle of the costume room just shoving all of the Swarovskys into my backpack while running to the ferry with a fur coat Wow my god it's a fringe show That's cool Well also it was a circus show and it was a I was in a certain and it was great I fucked more acrobats and search a sleigh's legal team Well, we're going to show up our options. Catherine Graham, we'll get a chance to guess first while Ruben contemplates. Option one.

Hot guy gave me a hug after the show and our dicks touched. This counts as consent, right? Hashtag it's kismet but for Cox. Hashtag serendikity. Option two. The cute drunk guy on the night bus has passed out on my shoulder. This counts his consent, right? Hashtag must remember to check for a pulse this time.

Option three, if I'm fooling around with a deaf guy and he gives me a thumbs up, this cast is consent, right? Hashtag soundproof logic. Depends by the thumbs up, but yeah. Catherine Rubin, when do you think it might be the real tweet? Or sorry, Catherine Graham. Excuse me, Rubin's. You want to take this buster?

The second one. Second one. Okay? Second one? Yeah. I think it's number one. I think serendicity. You're giving me serendiccity.

Sarindicity is a lot of whimsy. Yeah, there's a whimsy there. And if there's one thing I am. Yeah, it is. Whimsical. Yeah, serendicity. I thought that, too. I think it's the second one.

I'm going to remember that, like in the middle of the night. You know? Serendicity. Rubin, did you have some serendicity on this day? I'll tell you it's not three. I definitely know it's not three. I can't remember, but I think it was actually number two. The must remember to check for a pulse this time feels very in my cadence.

I'm not going to check for a pulse this time. That's what's kind of clinched it for me. You folks dead guys. I do. I got you. I got you. No! Get some in it.

This is... I like how you're like, straight guys, that consent is. And then you're like, ah, fuck that guy. You might not their hair. The consent is implied. All right, let's see the real deal. A long hashtag.

Love along. Hashtag. Sois quaint. Well, let's go ahead and move on. That was entwebment, folks. Make it loud for all of our contestants. We have one more game that our comic are going to play. This is one for all the single. We got single people in the audience tonight. We got me single people. This one's for all the single people. This is a game called Unhinged.

Single folk out there in the house. Who's fucking? Who? Who sure can't be the only one who's fucking? We know she's not fucking. She hasn't brought us, she's sleeping in the same bed as my wife. Oh God, is she fucking my wife in the air is like being right under my nose. I wasn't even on mic then, I'm so sorry I'm very excited This game is a game where we Have one of our single experts Tyler Mezeneridge in the back Oh that's me

Tyler is fucking He's on Hinge, he's on the apps He might have swipes you in here to get the show tonight Tyler's actually such an expert He started farming out his services Writing Hinge profiles Thank you Jay, yes, it's going really well Is that called thought farming

That deserve better. That deserve better for everybody else. It did. Okay, don't fucking touch. I guess pride really is above. We're back, baby. Finally a day for the straits. Yes. We have some...

The gay guys laughed, it's fine. We have some... We have some... ...other the Tim Faggain. Oh. I... He got the card, he got the nod, it's okay. That's what they say, you Brett.

That's how they trick you. We'll go inside. On camera, say it. No, no, no. This will not be my Kramer moment. I'll start tweeting again. Jay, too. We have found some clients for Tyler

who our comedians are going to help Tyler write the profiles for. Celebrities are getting in this game now. We are going to show them some Hinge profiles that Tyler's working with, and we are going to have some prompts that they will provide the answers to one by one down the line. Let's see our first celebrity hinge profile. This is a local, I believe, a local celeb. Hello, JK.

The news is not broken yet. Don't tell us this is just between all of us tonight that marriage is on the rocks. She is a professional turf, University of Exeter, seeking man with penis. Uh, five, four, fifty-nine years old from Edinburgh. Look at this. Jane, she's a Griffin whore is what she is. Yeah, she's trying to get some deuce of Slyther in, slither in that fucking snaps right there, that golden snatch, if we will. She's got a wondering one, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, she's gonna get your raven claws into somebody, huh? Are you guys doing a bit right now? How dare you? How dare you? We were having a small amount of fun. What a surprise. She's there to defend J.K. Rowling. They both have Hagrid Pussies. All right. Haggard Pussies. Giant and Harry. Let's go ahead. Comedy's all in the delivery folks. Haggard toilet fuck, Hagger pipe me. And that is why Tyler does not host the show.

How there! I think I should get all of my points back that Ruben took away from it for that way. Let's go ahead and see our Tyler's version here, this prompt that Tyler has written. The one thing I'd love to know about you is how much time do you spend thinking about what happens in women's toilets? She is obsessed.

And now we're gonna start off with our first... I'm killing it back here, yeah. We're gonna start with our next prompt here. It's gonna go to Graham. Graham, you gotta fill in a prompt for JK. If loving this is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Uh... Man with...

Dix. Men with Dix. And... And... and... and... And... and... and butts! Butts and dicks. Yeah, that's what you wrote on her. Ruben, we're gonna get you on the next one.

Ruben's next prompt for JK. I know the best spot in town for... Okay, first off, here's a big old confession. I've never read a Harry Potter book. Me neither. Me neither. But someone told me the club one and I was like, Oh, so it's like, it's a queer allegory, right?

He lives in a literal closet. He has a secret side to himself that everyone else is ashamed of or scared of, and he has to go and find a whole group who have that. He's a faggot. He's a faggot, right? And now you have donated the majority of your time to denigrating an entire community

who you made feel seen. I think I know the best spot in town for not understanding irony. That's fucking solid. That sounds like real muggle talk up there. Hey, fuck you. Everybody booed Tyler. Hey, fuck you, you moot.

You can turn this around, Tyler. You can turn this around. Fight for like, like gay marriage. They're looking for a riftier. the whole time? That's a different book. It's so close. It's so close.

Oh yeah, yeah. This is the one with the little wizard kid. Yeah. Shit. Yeah, fuck. All right, Gatherine. Okay. You're prompt for Ms. JK.

Let's make sure we're on the same page about. Trans people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy enough. Keep it clean, folks. In that, it's time to move on to our next. Pretty good. Thank you. Thank you. You almost like a goat bleated instinctive. Yeah. It's the butcher's thing I've ever done.

Now I'm turned up. Tyler, let's see our next profile. Oh, we might recognize this lady for baby reindeer. This is Fiona. She lives in London. She is searching for her baby reindeer. Monogamous, University of Aberdeen. Nice on the telly. Tyler, what you write for her? What'd you get for Fiona? good for Fiona. Oh yeah. Good stuff. Apparently my life soundtrack is Creep by radio ads. Let's start with Catherine this time. Catherine, your next prompt for our lovely lady hunting the baby reindeer is my self-care routine is. Letting my dog lick my feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, Siri, lick mommy's feet, get them, all mommy's watching nanny. Oh my god, yeah, yeah, goodbye, this is us now. So it's fucking, that is fucking, that is. The best film about... I know, I know. We don't allow gum in this house. We're talking. Thank you. If you're not having fun, we will, okay?

You know how mommy hates the brown word. That's what a Graham's profile. Graham's next prompt. We're the same type of weird if. We both try and, like, own someone's soul and like, be with them, but you can't hug them enough, because you want to be, you want to crush them, you love them so much. And you want to watch the light leave their eyes.

Then you, for that one little brief moment before they die, you will be their God. Put it in, maybe. You just need a place to pay. You are Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see your glasses. Well, that's good. Also, also like a Miami Nana who just wants to play canaster.

It's one of the two. Bruben, we got a prompt for you from Fiona. This one is my last journal entry was about. My last journal entry was about this guy who I gave him a house, I gave him food, and every day I would lower a basket of lotion to him. And I'd talk to me, you know, put the lotion on him. You don't do the lotion. And still he won't.

We have one more profile. This one, another local, not from Edinburgh, but from the UK. This is Galane. Looking for love, travel agents. The location pin at Tallahassee is a great detail. Thank you. She's looking for something long-term. What we got on her, Instagram, or her initial example,

initial example from Tyler. My BFF's take on why you should date me? Great hang. You know, we did that joke. We tried that joke in the States, and you guys are much smarter than they are. Thank you for laughing and clapping at that joke. That is what it deserved.

Ruben, we're gonna start off with you on this one. Your next prompt for Galane is, my crying the car song is. Baby shock. Okay, Catherine, your prompt. Give me travel tips for... Fuck. Give me travel.

travel tips for human trafficking. I mean, might as well. Right, there it is. There it is. Just the tip, though. Yeah, but like human trafficking, if you travel like with one bag only. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, sure. Tiny kid. Yeah, like if you're one. Carry on only. Carry on. There we go. Carrying. That's heavy.

Yeah. International size, carry on. The 10 kilos. Yeah. Seven kilo in Asia. Well, you travel in Qatar. Because that gives you 12. 12 sometimes. And if you've got virgin, if you're at a virgin point say you're

20 kilos on... You're just fucking bragging about how far you go. Yes, I am. You are. They do let you have a falcon on Qatar though, just FYI. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No dogs, no cats, but falcons are allowed. How also the Emirati hunt their Filipino slaves are you in that. Guys, can we get back to giving me tips for the child molester, please? I'm getting paid a lot of money for this. Honestly, I would say, say that using a falcon to pick up the children you're trying to molest also a pretty good travel tip Tyler you got to write it out you took that from me but we collaborated I just

got the credit welcome win-win graham you're gonna close this one out with our final prompt what I order for the table McDonald's kid's meal at Louvre extra That's just the Thai sauce. Spicy. Spicy. Yeah. All right.

I don't think they have the Thai sauce here. What is happening? BBQ sauce. They have brown sauce here. Oh yeah, I'd be way better if I said that. Damn it. The HP stands for happy pedophile sauce. That's what we're looking for.

Folks, that was on the hinge. What a wonderful job by the panel. scores, but while he's doing that, we want to make sure you guys get out of here on a nice note. So we, of course, we're here for the next four shows. We've got four more shows after this. We want you to come back. We've got different lineups every night, different games every night. I want you to come back. But of course, it's been a little bit too dark for you. We're going to get out of here with a nice taste in your mouth. We're going to cleanse your pallets with some clean, wholesome jokes from all of our comedians. We are going to start off with a clean, wholesome joke from Catherine Henson.

Make some noise for Catherine, everybody. I started carrying like crystals in my pocket, you know, like the healing ones. Like the, yeah, it's just like carry rocks in my pocket. If I feel nervous, I just touch them and I feel immediately in ease. Or if I see a large body of water, I know it can walk right in and sink to the bottom. So there you go. That's your palate cleanse. Yeah, hold on, you know.

So thank you. I'll be doing that soon. Nice work, Catherine. And let's go to make some noise for your next pallet cleanser from Graham K. I didn't take the one. I'm doing better in my career. Not tonight, but other nights, I could imagine. I used to live in a 200 square foot apartment, 200 square feet, yeah.

And if you don't understand how to calculate square footage, you know, because I didn't when I read the ad, my microwave was my bedroom clock. Oh, really night before I went to bed, I just set the alarm for eight hours. On potato. That joke sucks. And finally, our palli-greenser, a clean joke from Ruben K. Ruben K. Ruben K makes a choice for Ruben K.

I make a lot of jokes in my shows about me not wanting kids, and that's because I don't. But in a way, I feel like I have kids now because I have so many wonderful queer people who come to my show. consume my content and message me online and it means that I have this opportunity to say to them the things I was someone sent to me when I was growing up you know just like believe in yourself or the hate that you receive from other people says more about their shame than it ever will about your pride or never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night just useful things I wish I'd know everybody.

All played the game with us tonight, but we can only have one winner, and Tyler has calculated the scores. Tyler, tell all of our contestants what they have won. Jay, I have a special prize I want to give away to one of the audience members. Get that animal book, that big white animal book. Oh, the big white animal book. Yes! Yeah, one of her audience members clapped when Rubin asked for one that was queer and then

had a boyfriend that might be bisexual. And I want to give this cross-stitching animals books to her right here in the back there, Which you can do. All right now, let's do the prizes, everybody. Who's a tie? Here, third place. It's gonna be, well, it's a tie, so you guys got the same. So, hey, second place.

Second place, twice. It's Catherine. Catherine hits everybody, second place, I'm a thrift store earlier today. It's a book about, um, it's where you do, there you go. It's like somebody's done coke out of it. Oh, it is one pound.

One pound, it's strange harvest, Strange Harvest by Kyle. The author of Mande-Dingo. Author. Look at this. That's going to Graham. Everybody, Graham K. They did get as part of our show, a get out of cancellation free card. Anything that they said or did tonight will not be held against them in the court of public opinion. Sorry, Graham.

We especially for the fuck, K. They are all fantastic. Like I said, this was legitimately my favorite lineup we've looked so far in the French. I'm so excited you guys are all here to see this. You guys have been a great crowd. We are here, like I said, for another couple nights, so come back, see us again. And if you did buy a ticket already, thank you so much. If you didn't pay what you want, my wife is outside with the bucket.

She is mad because I used all the honeymoon money because we got married three weeks ago and I used it all on French. So drop something to that way she doesn't take all of my nothing in the divorce. Drop a little something in the bucket if you can. If you're a little too skin, just tell someone to come check us out another one of these nights. You guys have been a fantastic crowd. Thank you so much for coming out, everybody.