WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 1153 - Chelsea Peretti

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

Chelsea Peretti joined Marc in the garage more than ten years ago on a very early episode of WTF. Since then she became a writer for Parks and Rec, played Gina on Brooklyn 99, got married to Jordan Peele, and became a mom. Now she's catching up with Marc about coffee, creative satisfaction, overcoming her fear of commitment, raising a toddler while sheltering at home, and the coping strategies of the pandemic era. They also talk about her first lead role in the new movie Spinster. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life.

When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th, exclusively on Disney Plus. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing with cannabis legalization. It's a brand new challenging marketing category.

legalization. It's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. Lock the gates! store and a cast creative all right let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucksters what's happening i'm mark maron this is my podcast

wtf welcome to it how you doing how you feeling everything all right what are you cooking what are you cutting what are you chopping what's happening what are you cleaning where are you running to what are you are you where are you running you can't run away you can't run away i see it i know that i'm helping you get through this, but eventually, I hate to break it to you, you're going to have to turn around and go home. You're going to have to loop around and go home. I know. I know, man.

I know it's the same shit every day. I know. And it's tempting to keep running, to keep driving, to keep flying if you're doing that. Whatever you're doing, just as long as it's in movement and not dangling from the end of a rope, unless you're doing the rock climbing thing. But you know what I'm saying. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go home.

You're just going to have to. Speaking of that, I just did. Pow! I just shit my pants. Justcoffee.coop. Get the WTF blend. I get a little on the back end. That's an old-timey plug.

That's just from the old days. From like back when Chelsea Peretti was first on this show. We rarely do repeat guests, but Chelsea Peretti is here. She's on the show today. The first time she was on was episode 39. That's more than 10 years ago. That's when I had to do those Just Coffee ads just to get by, just to make a few shekels, just to make $400 a month, a month on ad sales. Man. I mean, we had her back because I love Chelsea and she's very smart and very funny.

I mean, we had her back because I love Chelsea and she's very smart and very funny. And I just I like talking to her. But she's also got since then, since then, it's crazy. Go listen to that first one. And just the arc of it. I mean, she's she's been a writer on Parks and Rec. She played Gina on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She got married to Jordan Peele.

They had a kid. I mean, fuck, man. A lot has changed. I guess that's what happens in 10 years if things happen in your life. A lot happened in my life, but I'm here alone, childless. But it was great to talk to Chelsea. It really was. And you can hear that shortly.

I'm back from New Mexico. I think the last show I am back from New Mexico. I think the last show I did was from New Mexico, and it was great. It was really worth the trip. I'd kind of like to still be there. I didn't have to come back, but I came back because I live here, and I wanted to see my cat. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to try to get back to whatever semblance of a life I have here in California. But since I've talked to you, well, let's start with this. When I drove to New Mexico, I stopped and met my friend Dave at Duran's Pharmacy for some huevos rancheros with green chili and red chili on the side. And on my way out of New Mexico, I stopped and had that exact same thing again before I left, only alone. And I was reflecting and was sitting outside eating the green chili, having the tortilla with the butter on it, and just sort of like enjoying the way you can enjoy in the age of plague, outdoors, mask down because I'm putting shit in my mouth. And I'm just sitting there, maybe Instagramming a photo of my food. And I hear someone, you know, kind of coughing a little bit behind me.

And then I turn around and there's a woman vomiting into a planter. And that was my acute exit. Woman vomiting into planter. Time to hit the road. New Mexico. Adios. Adios. Muchas gracias.

Gotta go. Barfo in the planter. Yeah, that was an interesting way, an interesting beat to leave on, but it was a good trip. What I didn't tell you that I found to be uplifting in a strange way was I visited the grave of Dennis Hopper. uplifting in a strange way was I visited the grave of Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper is buried in Ranchos de Taos in the Jesus Nazareno Cemetery, which is off the beat, like Ranchos de Taos is off the beaten path, but this was, this cemetery is not even in the back of a church or near a church it's just sort of off on this dirt road it looks like a dirt parking lot there's a large swath of dirt road through the middle of it on either side there are graves and this is a i don't

know if it's the pueblo indians or the indigenous people or i don't know if they're it's it's definitely a mexican cemetery ish i'm not sure what the history of the cemetery is, but it's one of those cemeteries where every grave looks handcrafted. The crosses, there's not many stones or wooden crosses usually that look handmade. There are pictures and artifacts left on the graves. There are stones and mounds and things that people bring to it. Each one looks like some sort of almost like a collage of sorts. It's a very earthy, intimate uniqueness to each grave,

a very deep human touch. It's almost as if you walk past these graves and you can almost feel the bones. And I think that's sort of a Mexican thing, really, like the Day of the Dead trip, the sort of respect for the dead and the celebration of the dead. There's definitely that vibe there. And you go and you kind of find, you can look around. I found it online how to find it. But Hopper is an important person to me. I was always deeply obsessed and enamored and impressed with Dennis Hopper's work and with him as a person. I found him to be a sort of fascinating, decent-hearted wild man, one of the great drug warriors, one of the great crazy dudes, one of the originals. But he led an interesting life and he loved Taos. My buddy Steve is married to his

daughter, so I double checked with him to make sure it was the grave. But I went there, I talked to Dennis, and there was something about it. Just picturing him in the ground there in this beautiful site. There's lava rocks in a circle around where the body would lay, I believe. And there's all kinds of offerings that people have left there. And I just, I knew he was in there. There's no distraction, no stone, no real kind of a maudlin kind of weight to it. It was almost a, it's a little mound of celebration to the body decomposing beneath it. And I pictured it and I felt it and I felt the spirit of Hopper and it was uplifting to me. So uplifting, I went twice. I went the next day, my buddy Devin, he had come up to Taos from Santa Fe tolifting to me. So uplifting, I went twice. I went the next day. My buddy Devin, he had come up to Taos from Santa Fe

to hike with me. I hiked all three days up into the beautiful Taos wilderness. I was afraid at first, but then I just thought about Lynn. I thought about what am I afraid of? Being eaten by an animal, falling into a crevice

and having to cut my arm off with my hat. You know, I just, I was nervous, but but i did it all i went back to the grave and on my last hike i found some river rocks so i could put them i felt bad that i didn't have anything i didn't have anything with me i didn't have anything cool i didn't have a guitar pick with me i could leave for dennis man i didn't have no cigarettes i could leave for dennis man i have no bandana i could leave for denn, man. I didn't have no Harley Davidson paraphernalia I could leave on Dennis's grave, man. I didn't have an eight ball or a half gram or a small vial to blow or crank or anything I could leave on Dennis's grave, man. So I went

and got some rocks. And I left him there. I talked to him again. I was happy to see him twice. It was great. I was so happy. And I love the sort of kind of a weird little cool celebratory cemetery. A lot of fucking heartfelt handcrafted respect on those mounds. Makes it real human. Close. Could feel the bones, man. I i dug it some weird dreams are happening i guess i could tell you about them i had a drinking dream which means uh i better start going to zoom

meetings i don't think there's a threat of me drinking but i don't know what my brain is doing there must be some discomfort because somebody poured me a very large scotch on the rocks and I wasn't a scotch guy. I think I was just starting to get into scotch when I quit. I mean, I get it. I like scotch, but that wasn't my thing. But in the dream, man, I had my both hands wrapped around a big glass of scotch on the rocks. Then there was another dream where I was on some sort of large, high, rickety old diving platform, a single structure, just shooting straight up. And I just seen two people I know fall off it and die. They disappeared into the water. And I don't even know how I got up on top of it.

But it was all rickety. And I knew that they had fallen and died. And I was like, how do I get down? And I can't, I remember in the dream thinking like, can someone just come get me? Can somebody help me? Can somebody help me? And I was starting to panic because it was kind of wobbly and I'm like, I'm going to fall and I'm going to die. And I look on the left side of the platform, there's like this red ladder, but it doesn't look like it goes all the way down or up. And there's some force or person or something behind me that's just sort of like, you just got to do it. You just got

to fucking do it. You got to stop freaking out and you got to just go a step at a time and get down. And then I realized that's right. No one's going to come help me. No one's going to come get me. I'm not going to be airlifted off and I'm'm gonna fall if i keep freaking out or i'm gonna fall on purpose if i keep freaking out so i just turned all that shit off and made my way down the ladder i don't know what that was about how will fascism affect you guys you putting any thought into that like you know if trump wins are you guys do you ever think about like well like you know i don't know how much uh authoritarianism will affect my immediate life most we're finding most people are selfish aren't we hey man if it doesn't fuck with me i'm good it's like the mask thing i went on a hike yesterday and it was crazy 80 of the people were fucking no mask and you know the chances of

getting it outside are slim but you know you have one and then when you walk by people you put it on it was great being in new mexico it's fucking mandated there everybody you don't have to fucking go through that thought process if you see somebody without one they're a real fucking jerk because they're breaking the law and they don't give a fuck here i literally think people are like no we don't have to i mean you know i don't want to i think it's okay but uh what what a nice thing to be in a fucking state that mandates the fucking masks because people are too fucking stupid to give a shit about other people or take care of themselves to get through this thing all right let's end with a nice story

um a few weeks ago i told you when i was hiking with al magical there was a guy walking down he had a bunny in his hands this little sad sick wet bunny uh and he was concerned about it he was going to take it home and nurse it back to health we saw that guy again and asked him about the bunny he said it got better and he brought it back up. How often does that end well? The injured animal you bring home. It's a bird with a broken wing. The bunny with the fever. But he nursed it,

brought it back and it hopped away. There's a happy story. Huh? All right. Look. Chelsea Peretti is in a new movie. It's called Spinster. It's her first lead role in a film. You can watch it on most VOD and digital platforms. I love talking to Chelsea Peretti, and you can hear me do that. Coming up. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing.

With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis store and ACAS Creative. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+.

18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. So what are you going to do? Are you going to just hold the phone? Listen, I've done it before. I'm not too proud. You don't have a thing you can set it on? I'm going to start to worry about... All right.

You know what I need is like a Velcro thing on the wall, and then it just went on the back of my phone, and I can stick it to any wall in any room. Yes. I have a tripod that I stick it on. That sounds archaic. This is Velcro. Do you have Velcro? Are you getting it? No. Oh.

No, but I do think that actually would be cool. Every room you put a swatch of Velcro on the wall and you have the receptor piece on your phone, you walk into a room, boom, your phone's on the wall. FaceTime people cook. Right. I think it's a good idea. Lo-fi. Yeah. So what, what, how many coffees have you had? I'm on number two, but this is a black mug of coffee. Yeah. Well, as opposed to what? Creamy. Sometimes I'll have like an oat latte. No regular milk though, right? No, I don't do regular milk that much anymore.

Only if I have it for another reason. So you were concerned that I was not drinking coffee? I had a moment of panic that I'm going to just call and like, want to talk to you about coffee and you'd be like, I'm off coffee. I was, I was drinking tea for like over a year. And then I, I, I started to slip coffee in, in the afternoons and now I'm back in, but I don't know if it has the same effect as it once did when I was younger or something. Like I, I get like, I'll drink a cup of coffee. I feel pretty good. I'll drink another cup.

I feel all right. But then, then I'm just kind of queasy and over and kind of a sweaty. I don't know. I don't get the fucking high I used to. Man. I really hate when people who once loved coffee, turn their back on it in this way. Like I had this weird, I think that's like, I'm slightly clairvoyant when it comes to coffee. And I just had this feeling you were going to have a different altered attitude about it I love it I like anything that makes me feel good I just I like I pulled my fucking espresso machine out I haven't you do say espresso I I know I know I that's the real headline I I've had a I've had an issue with that my whole life.

My espresso machine. Do you make espresso at home? Well, you know, my husband was once a barista, apparently, and we got this whole big espresso machine. Oh, my God, I said it too. You know what? This is going to be one of those things where, like, you know how grammar evolves and then they update it to make it official grammar or official. Like they're going to have to just say it's expresso. And they're going to cite the shift on this conversation.

So whatever. He never uses it. A good one? Like what kind? Like a really good one? Yeah. Like this really fancy one. Is the kind that looks like, does it have a big kind of pressing that

looks like oh but is it like it does yeah and it like kind of hooks on the counter that kind of yeah and it has like this big eagle on top of it right right those are fancy yeah it's kind of intimidating but you don't use it so yeah i mean i don't know he's he hasn't really been making it i don't know how to use them, but I guess I should learn. Maybe you should pressure him. I mean, you have the time now. I mean, what's he? Oh, yeah.

What do you guys been? How old is that kid? That's the thing. He's three. Oh. And it's just really a particular nightmare to have a toddler when you're sheltering in place because he's a dismantler. I was looking for my headphones to do this. And I'm like, okay, I found the headphones after a long hunt.

Yeah. Because he was probably like pretending they were a jellyfish or something. And then I'm like, oh, the cord is gone. And that could just be anywhere, anywhere. And so, you know, when you're trying to keep your house clean and this, it's just like, we're just like lighting fires everywhere. And you're just following after them panicking and is it's a boy yeah it is does he talk uh very much so he's extremely verbal not to toot my own horn but he's the child of two extremely artistic people and

no honestly i think he would be a great child actor, but I would never let him do it. Well, has he expressed interest in anything other than destroying things? No, he hasn't expressed interest in acting, but he just memorizes everything. Like where I'm like, oh, with your brain, I can conquer Hollywood. So you've got a genius until they're like five and then they level off. Yes, listen, we'll see. We should do an interview again when he's five.

We did an interview in 2010. I know. I really felt like I wasn't ready for prime time at that. That interview was kind of before I feel like I had anything going on. Are you kidding? We did our big pilot. before I feel like I had anything going on.

Are you kidding? We did our big pilot. Oh, that's right. It was that I was, I had just ascended. We, we, we've done our ill-defined show that we weren't. Oh my gosh. I've completely fully fucking forgot about that. And dumpster diving was a segment on it. That's right.

With the freegans. The freegans. And then we brought in pictures, paintings. You brought in a painting that Leo Allen did of you and you felt bad about it. I don't know where that thing is. It probably got left at the fucking studio. They gave us like $12 to do this pilot. And we didn't even really have a concept for the show.

It was just called WTF. And we had like two segments. You and I did some co-host thing. And then we had a panel. Yeah, we had to be like, you know, doing those jazzy like hosting monologues and stuff. Yeah. In hindsight, we had no business doing that.

We could have been much more like sitting in a corduroy chair, overstuffed chair, you know? And then we had a panel, though. I remember there was a panel, and I think Kyle Kinane was there, and I don't remember who else. And I don't even remember what the topics were. It was just like this show where I don't fucking know. I feel like, though, I actually feel like that shoot went well. I don't have like a sweaty feeling when I think about it. No actually feel like that shoot went well. I don't have a sweaty feeling when I think about it.

No, I think the shoot went well. It was over at that Comedy Central Theater space. It was a good set. We had good people working on it. It's just so crazy, like the older you get, how many little compartments of history you completely forget. And then you're like, oh, yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It's crazy. I mean, I can't, like, there's whole chunks of my life where I'm like, I'll tell you what I do remember. You said, do you want to play my wife on my TV show? And I go, sure. Then I never heard from you again. Do you remember that Marin, that compartment? Did I really, were you willing to do that? Maybe I felt like you were already on your way. Whatever on my way out of your show well you you seem to have found your way into a legitimate show business i was still

fucking around on comedy central pilots and ifc whatever whatever don't compliment my rejection i don't remember what happened with that i don don't remember. You see, this rejection was actually a major compliment to you. It was. Yeah. Oh, well, thank you. I assume that you had bigger things. I don't remember, man. I don't remember what happened.

Do you know one time Bobby Tisdale gave me his old phone for some reason? Yeah. And in it, there was text between him and Eugene Merman because they used to run this show called Invite Them Up. And they were debating if they should have me on a show or not. And Eugene was like, she's kind of harsh. And then they didn't put me on the show. And I was like, oh, my God. I don't know why that just came to mind.

I don't even know if that related to anything. You're kind of harsh. That's hilarious. What a mess. Yeah. What happened to Bobby Tisdale? You know, he has, he has a talk show on Instagram live called the wards of Merkin, I believe. So pretty much what you would think happened to Bobby Tisdale.

He has like 80 kids, all daughters. I don't know how people are dealing. You're here, right? You guys are in LA. I'm here. Barely. Every day I wake up and I'm like, oh, fuck. Here we go again.

It really, it's like Groundhog Day. It's like there's no way out. It's crazy. There's no end in sight. It's crazy. It's so crazy. How are you guys dealing with it? How's Jordan dealing with it?

I mean. Is he in the house? Yes, he is. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how anyone's dealing with it. The main challenge I think for us is like, I mean, I have major envy of people who are unattached and have no child because they're just like, I watched five criterion collection films today. I did two yoga classes. I'm like fucking eat shit and die. My son's attention span is literally six minutes.

So you have to break every single endless fucking day into six minute increments. How can I entertain someone with the attention span of a goldfish? You like you bring out all these paints and stuff. He does one brush stroke and it's over, you know, and then you're like, OK, only eight more hours till bedtime. It's a fucking nightmare. I hope that makes you happy. don't have a child well I told I was telling Brendan that like like lately when I've gotten a little bit grim or depressed or hopeless I just think of you people and I'm like yeah exactly you fuck and then I sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee alone a peaceful cup a peaceful cup I mean I can't even I'm like begging my son to enjoy a cup of coffee alone. A peaceful cup.

A peaceful cup. I mean, I can't even, I'm like begging my son to have a cup of coffee. I go, can mommy have coffee? Before I read you 20 books, can mommy have coffee? It's like, I can't do voice acting without my coffee. It's fucking, it is hard. And the thing that's even more fucked up is i have no right to complain because i know that i'm one of the luckiest people in this fucking country like right so you don't even feel you get to have ownership over your angst and your grief and you know yeah it's just

a horrible time and there seems to be so many suicides right now like are there it's just i was wondering about that do you know people i feel i feel like it i keep feeling like you just keep seeing it i don't know if there's a statistical increase but it seems like there is there has to be and it would make sense sure because yeah you feel alone and then it's like in this time you really are alone yeah no i i uh you know it's part of my morning ritual thinking about it no No, no, wait, I'm glad we brought it up and don't do it. No, I don't do it. I don't think about it seriously. But there is a moment with hopelessness and I've done bits about it where you're just

sort of like. As long as you've done bits about it. I have done bits about it. But there's a moment where you're like, how does this end? And I'm getting older. And there's like, is this really the way we're going to live for the rest of time? I can't even leave the country because we're pig people and no one's going to let us in. Like, I mean, the one fantasy I had was like, I got my passport and now it's like, who cares?

No one wants us. We're garbage people. There's no escape. It's so so crazy it's so funny that make america great again was the whole slogan like and now look at it literally we're like we couldn't be a further of a rock bottom yeah it's like we're this like giant pariah the entire rest of the planet is like they're like what's wrong with you people what is happening there it's kind of refreshing because america has been so egotistical you know sure like it's kind of refreshing but oh this is how it feels when the entire world thinks you're shit on their shoe yeah but there's so many people in this country that are like fuck them this is you know we are still great and like i don't even understand what they're doing i can't yeah and then like do you

how do you have people that you know that are all of a sudden revealing themselves to be fucking idiots i mean that's i mean everyone that's the worst surprise about this all is that i would think if i was asked how do you think socially things would feel in a pandemic i would think people come together right they support each other but instead i'm just scrolling through instagram like you guys don't have fucking masks on. Everyone's hanging out without masks on. Fuck you. My kid hasn't seen another kid in four months and you're at a fucking party. Like, I don't get it, you know?

People you know, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've talked to people and it's just their mindset around it. You just realize how truly stupid and how little people think, you know? No. And, but the thing in Hollywood is everyone's got some weird quack doctor advising them. They're like, no, no, I've got a guy. He says I can be mask free and it's fine. UV rays, you know?

And I'm like, okay. But like everyone I know who's like kind of doesn't seem to care when I go, well, what, why aren't, what is your philosophy? Like they're always just like, well kind of doesn't seem to care when I go, well, what, why aren't, what is your philosophy? Like, they're always just like, well, I don't want to freak out. You know, I don't want to, it's like, wait, that's, that's your medical. I don't know. No one has a good answer who doesn't wear masks.

Were they not wearing masks? Like I'll, I'll like, I'll go, like, I'll sit outside and not wear a mask. Yeah, sure. If you're alone or you're saying you'll sit outside with other people, not with other people, with one person, six, seven feet away. Sometimes. Yeah. I mean, the whole thing is supposed to be six feet apart in masks, but I think a lot of people I see like sitting outside in street dividers and stuffing the grass and they're sitting four feet apart without masks. so i mean listen everyone has to deal like i'd rather someone does that risk than kills

themselves because they feel so alone we all basically are like taking calculated risks at this point to battle potential depression and that's true and um we've hit a weird phase we've hit a weird phase where the psychological effect is starting to be weighted more heavily than just the fear of, you know, contracting COVID. Right. The psychological effect of the impending election or non-election and just, you know, the diminishing hope and the fact that nobody seems to have a policy in place to stop this fucking thing. And the fact that nobody seems to have a policy in place to stop this fucking thing. Like, it's hard. Yeah, everyone's like, there's no one source. I mean, everyone's just like, I saw this doctor online that said this. I don't even know what the state rules are at this point.

What's closed? What's open? I don't fucking know. I got a friend who has a record store. He's like, I can open. I'm like, what? I mean. Yeah, that seems pretty non-essential.

But I don't need. I mean. I think retail outlets are allowed to be open. Yeah. That's weird. And why did they, it felt like we were doing really good. And then they're like, okay, let's open all the businesses. Right. And then there's a million cases. And I guess there's just so much pressure from business owners to be like, open up, we're going to all go broke. But it's like, again, like there just needs to be more of a stimulus and like canceling rent, all these things. Like, I just don't get it. You're just going to evict all these people and like, make all these businesses closed down. That's the plan. It's crazy, man.

I'm not smart enough. I'm not smart enough. No, I think your impulses are correct, but you know what? Thank you. It's not, it's not that you're not smart enough it's just the world is fucking insane i like that you assume that you are smart enough and you're like no you're smart you're pretty smart yeah no you're very smart i i've actually taken to i'll go down to dodger stadium and get a covet test every two weeks because it's kind of a fun day out you whoa yeah and so is it the nose one? No, it's the cough into your mouth one. You, uh, you go, you just do like coughs like 10 times or something. Right. And then you swab and then you put, you're in your car, you're alone. You can play your own music. You know,

you can, what's good music to cough to, but it's like, what about we, we will rock you, but we will cough you. Exactly. No, but you can go do it. I mean, like, I, I don't know why I've gotten into the habit of it, but I've done it two or three times where it's like, why not do it every two weeks? It's not costing me anything. And, and there you, you can sign up on Sunday for Monday and there's plenty of spots and then you get your results by Tuesday. I've noticed that a lot of people who get a test they're like no no i tested negative so then they'll just oh yeah you're only good for a day no you're good for

yeah it's like okay if you took an hiv test you're like i tested negative so i can fuck anyone raw for the rest of my life like no dude it's not it doesn't work like that well i think what the benefit of it is because like i'm pretty fucking safe i mean mean, do you go... I got hold of one of those N95 masks. So if I go anywhere, if I go into a store, I'll wear that mask and a plastic guard on my face. I'd love to see it. I put pictures on Instagram. I'll send you a picture. Okay, I'll check it out.

A while back. But that's how I go into the world if I'm going to be around people. Yeah. But what do you smart? I mean, I have not entered a business in four months. Really? Yeah.

Like, I don't know anyone who's been as strict and like, obviously it's a luxury. We, we don't, we get food delivered. We don't go. He doesn't go either.

No, we, we get it. We haven't been in any businesses you know and as information has increased it seems like it's like about the duration of time that you're inside and all this stuff but i feel like you have seen a number of news stories about people getting in at grocery stores or whatever and we've just been super reclusive and as like what's that doing for your relationship it's awesome it's it's so romantic um no but i don't know i mean it's it's pretty hard because

we're cooking we're cleaning we're doing child. We're trying to do our work stuff as well. Yeah. This for the show business, that's going to happen again, maybe. Right. Exactly. Like it's hard to know what there is, what goals to even have at this time for work. But, but yeah, it's pretty exhausting. Let's go back to a simpler time because I, I listened to some of the stuff that we talked

about in 10 years ago. Yeah. What was it? Well, one of them was you talked about a fear of commitment and that, you know, how you would how you would max out in relationships after like a year or two like this. Wow. Yeah. You were like pretty set on that.

Yeah. And what changed all that, Chelsea? Well, I do think a lot about the whole expression. You haven't met the one until you've met the one. Yeah, right. But I also think what I did through therapy, sobriety, a variety of things. I think I did work on my shit a lot. And so I would be attracted to not saying I wouldn't still be attracted to like

shitty guys, but it would, it would just last less long each time. Like the amount of time I'd be willing to give over to someone shitty would be shorter and shorter until I met someone who wasn't shitty. Wow. Okay. So like the habit, the instinctual habit of gravitating towards monsters or shitty people. AKA, yes. Yeah. Your dad. Yeah. Hi, dad. That's, you started, oh, so you got onto yourself and you couldn't, it's almost like,

it's almost like using, like you get tired of it. You're like, why am I still doing this? Yeah. I'm like, oh, here I go with this quote unquote mysterious guy where it's just like a guy who's a fucking mess. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think it would, I used to, when I was younger, you're like, okay, I'll date you for a year. Like anyone you meet pretty much. You're like, I got a year to give.

Yeah. Anyone, anyone, anyone who likes you, you know, you like me. Yeah. You're like, okay, let's commit for a bit. And then it's like, when you get older, it's like a year is a big chunk of your life at that point, like as a ratio or something. I could never do a year. It always lasted longer, man. It takes me, it takes a lot of drama. It could take a lot of drama and three to five years to extricate myself from something I should have stopped in a month. Yeah. That's, I don't have, I didn't have that problem. That's good. That's, that's a whole different problem. That's bad. Um, but, and I'm alone in childhood. See what that problem does? How did that happen? God. God wanted you. God wanted you in this. He wanted you in this path.

Now, are you still doing like strict dieting and stuff? I feel like you were always on that kind of manorexic vibe when I'm like. I'm still a manorexic, but like things have taken a little bit of a turn. I'm okay. But like I was doing really good. And then, you know, I had tragedy and horror. Yeah, I'm sorry. Thank you.

And then, you know, then I had to put the cat asleep. And then like after a certain point. Oh, my God. Yeah. The fuck? I know. After a certain point, I'm like, it doesn't look like I'm going to be on camera for a while.

Can I tell you what a shitty mom? I'm such a shitty mom. When you said you had to put your cat to sleep, in my head I'm thinking, I'll get you a cat. I'll get you a cat. I just want to throw money at it. I have another one. Okay, good. Okay, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I'm like, let me fix it.

Let me buy you something. You don't have to buy a cat. They're all over there. You can just pick them up off the street. You just you get one you get a new one anytime so but like all i'm saying is that like i've had i gotta reel it in because i've been eating kind of garbagey but uh like what's what's your go-to garbage treat god damn it if i could eat ice cream every fucking day i would but fortunately what's your flavor though ben and jerry's peanut butter cup it's funny to hear like a grown person say that because you got peanut butter ice cream

with the like big pieces of peanut butter cup in it and then with some vanilla yeah i can put vanilla in there but i've also got like cholesterol issues it's a really difficult time because you do yeah it's genetic how bad and i'm never i've never eaten worse i've never been more massive in my life i was just telling my mom i'm like there's really no excuse for an adult to ever eat ice cream except like being awake yeah that's the only excuse but But it's brutal. I feel like anytime it's mealtime, it's like a parade is coming through in a small town. It's like you're sitting around with nothing going on and then it's like, the food has arrived. Where are you getting your food from?

I mean, we were cooking every meal for the first two months we didn't order one thing and it was crazy we were like really exploring our cooking abilities then once we learned like surfaces weren't as dangerous we just started ordering once you do that it's impossible you know moza you can order pizza dough and all the fixings from them yeah and it's so good the sauce is so good i haven't done any delivery. Like, you know, after Lynn passed away, people were sending me shit. So I knew it was possible. And that went on for like a month or two. But I don't do it.

I don't know why I don't do it. Is it one, you call one company and they'll deliver anything? Is that how it works? You sound so out of it. You said you call one company. company no it's all apps it's like i have like five different food delivery apps which might be part of my problem i sound like an old guy like you just do it on the phone you get it on the phone you call you call the company and they give you the food. I'm like, no,

not at all. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get all these different apps because different restaurants work with different apps. So it's like not one app will get you all the places you need. Which apps do you have? Listen, you name it.

I've got it. Well, I mean, what do you use? Let me write it down because now I'm starting to question my process. I'll text you everything. Oh, okay. I don't have to write it down.

I got my pen out. Yeah, that's also an ancient device, a pen. I was ready to write some shit down. I can't believe you pulled out a pen. So, yeah. So, back 10 years ago, you said you thought you're going to be alone forever and now you've corrected all that that's crazy no but i you know what's crazy i my mind has found a way to still maintain that fear where you're like well every time like jordan leaves for like he'll take our child somewhere or something i'm like they going to die in a car crash and I'm going to be alone. You know, it's like, I think because I'm a child

of divorce, I don't believe that marriage is this shield of invincibility. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right. Of course. It's sort of, it's like anything can happen in life. So I don't feel guaranteed to never be alone. And the other thing is like you can feel alone no matter who you're surrounded by. So I think my brand is secure. Yeah. But you seem good. I mean, you seem like you don't seem depressed.

I mean, you're just worrying. Listen, the first four months of this, I think I had a pretty good attitude. And we're kind of reclusive anyway. So it wasn't even, it was different, but it wasn't like crazy different. Right. But I think once it hit four months and there's no end in sight, I definitely started feeling more depressed. No, I feel that now. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like all I want to do is like, I want somebody to fix it and I want to leave. That's, that's what Biden's and Kamala's platform needs to be. We're going to fix it and you can leave. Yeah. It's crazy for comedians. Cause it's like, you're so used to traveling and then it's just like nope and you can't do sets i mean i keep wondering about all these comedians that when i was younger they're like you gotta do three sets a night you gotta do three sets

what is it what is it what is it tell doing i don't know i mean what is it like those people actually i know what they're doing. They're doing fucking shows. Are they? I've seen them on Instagram. People. Well, I don't know about to tell, but I mean, there's comedians that are straight up doing shows right now. I know fucking like a couple of guys went out and got COVID in Texas. Yeah, I know the guys in question.

A couple of guys. You know, those guys. Those guys. Yeah. uh i don't know i don't feel like i'm not missing it that much i don't know why is that weird no oh no not in the slightest i mean i always had major ambivalence no i know i but i didn't really i just it was a habit i did it and i and i always like doing it uh it was just my life. But I haven't fucking missed it at all, really. It's weird. I think I needed a break or something.

And I feel like my last special, if that's my last special, my last one, fuck it. That was as good as I'm going to be, really. Okay. See, now that is a huge, huge feeling. That's what I'm always seeking is I want to feel I put out something that expressed myself to the fullest. and then I'll feel like I can rest, you know? You don't feel like you have? Well, no, because I want to make like a TV show, or I wrote a movie that I want to make, or like,

you know, it's like something like that, where it's like... Yeah, all you, and you have control over it, and you're not just relying on an audience full of weirdos to justify whether you're good or not yeah exactly i mean just like more like your full sensibility like yeah i just i haven't hit that place so if i die right now i won't be that psyched that's weird because i i that's exactly what's going on like there was part of me that was and it's right now where i'm like i could be done i saved a little money wait a minute no not suicide no no no no everyone's gonna be like chelsea you're encouraging mark to kill himself i'm like absolutely don't do it no no i don't

know i was going with the retired this is is the retired fantasy. This isn't the hanging from my closet door fantasy. This is where I'm in Ireland in a cottage. Okay, good. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I love that for you. No, but there is a feeling where I'm like, what else do I have to do? I've done it. Granted, I didn't do it on a level where everyone in the world knows me. I not that famous but in my heart I know I did it fuck it yeah that's pretty good have you been writing a movie you know I wrote one um and I I'm pretty into it and then this pandemic happened so like it was kind of like moving around things were happening and then this pandemic happened. So like, it was kind of like moving around, things were happening. And then this pandemic happened and, you know, I had zero desire to try to work these first four months. This is only like just now where I'm like,

all right, well, if this is going to go on for this long, I got to figure out something creatively, you know, to feel inspired and just have goals in my life. But, uh,

what are we in month five? Is that what month we're in? I think so. But honestly, I feel like I've been saying four months for a while. So yeah, maybe it is five months. Cause it went, it would started like in the middle of March, right? So April, May, June, July, August. Yeah. We're at five months or so. Yeah. I can't, I'm not, I haven't felt the pressure. Why me? Obviously I went through

some fucking shit but i haven't yeah felt the pressure to create really other than talk to people and talk on the podcast but and occasionally this is something yeah no i'm working for sure i'm definitely working and occasionally i'll do the panicky you know manic live instagram manic live Instagram. Yes. The random live Instagram where you're just sitting around going, it's time. Let's do it. Hey, someone talk to me. Have you done those? Yes, definitely.

Social media is just such a crazy world where you can just be like, okay, I need a shot of attention. Then you just can go get that shot and then it lasts you for a while because someone said something messed up in the exactly and then you just can go get that shot and then then it lasts you for a while because someone says something messed up in the comments and then you're like no i don't need this attention i don't need this so aren't they gonna run out of shit for us to watch i already feel pretty limited i've watched a few things but uh you know i we really like love island uk and they have like 80s 80 um episodes

a season so that's that's holding me down pretty good did you watch i may destroy you oh my god i haven't completed it but i think it's so brilliant and um what a trip man i mean i think her show is such a masterpiece because it's funny and it's cool looking and it's engaging, but it truly makes you go to an incredibly deep place, especially, I mean, and not to say men don't also suffer sexual trauma as she shows in her show too.

And, and straight men do too. Um, and so, yeah, it definitely made me like revisit trauma and like have to process it again. So I think that's, that's such an amazing service to people and, and, and incredible to create something that has such an intense impact on people.

Yeah. It's like, for me, like, I just wanted to watch it because I found her to be so engaging. And it feels like a different world to me generationally and also race wise. Like I literally. All I can sort of see is and feel is the humanity coming through it. But in terms of the context, I know nothing about that world, about England, about being, you know, know black in england about being you know any of it and don't sell yourself short i think you know a lot no i'm just kidding no but like but nonetheless the issues and the humanity and the intensity all comes through and i can't stop

watching it i watched all of them it's so good i can't i gotta finish it but it's it's definitely like so fucking intense and like just talking to other people you know everyone i i've talked to about it it's like it brings up so much shit for people it's wild what else you've been watching anything fun though yeah dave i thought was fun i love search party i love love island i don't even know what these are really search party you would like search party a lot what is that it's kind of like this mix between a comedy and a thriller oh okay and um and it's it's really good are your are your age your people calling you uh offering you things and and setting up meetings like show business is going to happen?

Not really. I love that. They're like, you want to do a general meeting? I'm like, why? You want to tread water? Yeah, I have to shoot an entire season of a TV show that they've now pushed to 2021. Maybe. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. There's nothing. There's not like now like that. When I really think about that, I'm so glad I have this job of doing the podcast, but like the thing that I have to do that I'm contractually obligated to do, they're like sometime in 2021. And I'm like, standups not coming back. I don't want to go to fucking drive-ins or like parking lots.

I think drive-in sounds kind of fun. Honestly, like it sounds better than regular. But what if you can't i'm like good keep the audience encased in metal and glass so they keep them how are you gonna how do you pace yourself if you can't hear them laughing i just i guess you just presume they're laughing i'm not good at that i don't know i mean yeah i guess maybe it would suck i mean i don't know i just think like the context of doing stand-up people in their cars would be funny. And then you could riff on that or something. Sure, sure. For a while. And then you just be standing alone in front of a giant empty screen in front of a bunch of cars.

A lone honk rings out through the air. Unclear if it's heckling or support. Exactly. I've been watching old movies of course you have you haven't you the criterion channel no i said i'm jealous of other people because it was just to get a time but like i honestly i'm not even convinced like what's in the criterion channel i mean i'll tell you what i liked A lot of movies you think you should have watched if you studied film at some point in your life. Right, right. That's what I'm afraid of.

Like, I liked On Golden Pond. Yeah, I don't think that's on there. Like, how old are we talking? They go back, man. I don't know. There's a whole bunch of movies under western noir oh god i don't know i don't know i can't like the old movie pace is just like i feel like i'm like trying to act like a smart person watching it and i'm like

just cut to something go go go yeah like i i'm just too used to faster moving things like it's hard so you guys aren't socializing at all is it all on on FaceTime and Zoom yeah we're not uh you know occasional backyard mask tangs um but the thing that it's I could do it it's's not killing me. It's more my kid not having seen any kid in four months. I'm worried he's going to get weird. Yeah. But I try to comfort myself. If we grew up on a farm or somewhere rural or remote, it's not like he'd be going to classes every week like these metropolitan kids.

How do those farm kids turn out, really? You want a farm kid? Well, the difference is those farm kids are like feeding chickens and like have a horse. That's their friend. I mean, he's not getting the upside of that. You know,

he's just in a backyard of an LA home. So I don't know. I don't know. I'm just worried. He's going to get weird. I mean, he said yesterday, I don't want the mirror anymore.

I want other kids. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, my God. I mean, and these things just like really, they just really hurt your heart. And you think of like, I look at my old photos of like all these birthday parties and classes and museums and things like that we always were doing to just give him like, he's like a little sponge. You want to give your kid tons of new experiences and things to learn. And he was just soaking it all up. And all of a sudden

it's like, you can't touch anyone. You can't see anyone. Everything's closed. And it's like, you just, it just feels bad. So what have you talked to other parents? What are they doing? You know what other parents, they're like, you're lucky your kid's young. It doesn't have any impact on them at all. It's like every parent wants to say, I've got it the worst. My kid's the worst. But I don't agree. Like, how about my son said he doesn't want the mirror anymore.

He wants other kids. You think that might be a psychological issue there's no way around it there's no way uh that he does he have friends that you can talk to on the zoom or nothing i guess he's too young he's not into the zoom you know what he does when i get him on with another kid he goes bye so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree i'm like that is and they're and they'll be so excited to talk to him they're like hi and he's like bye and walks away oh no so i don't know i'm trying to like constantly look at the statistics and the research and see if there's ways for him to have um school, a small school situation or a play date, you know, but we just,

we don't know any families that are being as strict as we are. And. Oh, you don't have like a pod of people. No, I, we, no, I don't have a pod. And honestly, all the pod talk is so stressful. It's like, I'm not trying to pod with someone who doesn't know how to cook you know what I mean like I'm not cooking for everyone and you know it's like or I'm not trying to pod with someone who like I can't communicate comfortably with about things like it's a pretty big trust that you're putting in someone and if i can't ask you like questions and feel safe i'm not gonna pod with you you know so so that leaves no one so so a pod means it's actually some sort of like agreement that you're all going to do this

together the pod thing yeah you're you're supposed to have you know agreed upon rules that everyone in the pod agrees to. And I mean, even ostensibly in writing that you all hold each other to. But I don't know anyone who has that attitude. And the encouraging thing, but then I saw conflicting news recently was like the idea was that young children don't transmit it or contract it as easily yeah but then i saw something conflicting that and that's how it's been this whole time it's just endless but at least um putin found a vaccine that's encouraging yeah and it's only a matter of time before trump you know invites him here to make manufacture it maybe we're just going to become you know uh sister brother sister nations and uh that's right we can just you know become, you know, sister, brother, sister nations.

And that's right. We can just freely go to Russia if we want. It's all going to be the same government. Sometimes I'm like, are we just going to hear like a loudspeaker and Russian? And we're like, it's happened. It's time. Now we have to we have to get that app and translate things. Yeah, exactly.

Hold it up to the sky. So how did that movie happen, the Spinster movie? Spinster happened. My agency just forwarded me an email with an offer to play this role. That's what I thought, right? It was an indie film, right? Yes. No money.

Yeah, no money. And they said this we kind of like this script this guy's never made a movie before no opposite they didn't say one comment on the script they just forwarded me an offer for my first lead role in a film with no comment at all about anything and no and it was directed by a woman, and she has directed, I think, three other movies in all seven Nova Scotia. I didn't mean to be condescending. She's a huge fan of yours, so I just want to preserve that. Is she? Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't. There wasn't a lot of paperwork. I didn't get a big press package about the movie. Listen, listen. I don't mean to make you feel bad. I just want to clarify. What's her name? Andrea Dorfman.

She's a Canadian? Yeah. Actually, I don't know if she's from Nova Scotia. I forget. But she lives there, and that's where all her films were set. Oh, because I just talked to Ellen Page, and she's from Nova Scotia. I know. She's like sort of been a great confidant on all things Nova Scotia. So what was the process? So you just, you took-

So they sent me this. I said, oh, that's cool. I think my son, I don't know. I just had my son. So he was young. I went and I requested that they send me her other movies and I watched them and I thought, you know, this is cool. This woman feels very artistic. Nova Scotia is like this beautiful backdrop in all her films and it looks really cool. And, and I was like, let me, I want to do this. I want to go to Nova Scotia, bring my baby. I brought my awesome nanny at the time who made it all possible and um and it was like a month and we did it was like a 14-hour trip door to door you shot it all in Nova Scotia yeah it was in Halifax and you know some of like some of the outlying areas and it was pretty cool yeah it was written by a, directed by a woman, and the DP was a woman. And that was also appealing to me.

Well, that's great. And also, well, that explains a lot of things because I was like, how do I not know one of these actors? Yes. Because it was. They're all Canadian. Yeah, Canadians. Yeah. I thought you were really funny.

And I think that it deals with the, like, sort of, what's funny is that, like, looking back at the interview we did 10 years ago, you would have been that person. Exactly. Well, that's what people are like, was it so hard for you to play this person? I'm like, no, I feel like I was a stone's throw from being this woman, you know? Right, yeah. And like I said, I still do have my worst fear is I'll know, you know, like lose everything that like, I feel too lucky and I feel too happy. And it's like, I'm, I think this is a thing.

If your childhood had some weird things going on, you're like always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Yeah. What's going on with your folks? Do you talk to like like they're still around right yeah they are um my dad who like was a kind of a reclusive guy himself like now that covid is happening he's like i have to go to a store every day he's like i gotta get out of the house where is he store every day he's in the bay area oh that's where I grew up. Right, in Oakland. They're both still up there?

Yeah. Huh. So he's out, he's going to stores every day? He's going to stores every single day. I'm like, you're such a contrarian. Like, before this, like, his wife would, like, beg him to leave the house and go do stuff. And he was just, like, always, you know, in the house. And where's your mom?

What's she doing? She's well everyone's everyone's stuck right now but i mean are they keeping keeping it together well they're not no they're separate entities since i was one but i mean are they personally that's all i mean oh yeah i mean i listen they seem like they're doing good my mother i feel like my i feel like my mother's starting to come unhinged a little bit because her uh she's okay but i mean her her boyfriend was annoying to begin with and i just can't imagine oh god you know like uh it's just the thought of them to you know like when's that gonna break up does he listen no he doesn't listen at all and he never shuts up your mom does your mom? Yeah. No, to your podcast. Oh, oh no. I thought you meant as a person. No, my mom will listen,

but he doesn't listen. John doesn't listen. I mean, he gets mad at me sometimes because he hears things about what I said, but yeah, he just never, he just keeps talking. My mother has always found, well, always the two men that she's with that I knew, she just finds dudes that are like, you know, spin around and she just watches them spin around. And the entire engagement with this man is her going like, John, please, John, please. Right. John. Right. You know, what's so weird is that every children's book, like so many of them have a female character

like that, like the nag or the person who's book, like so many of them, have a female character like that. Like the nag, or the person who's like, stop having fun. And I'm like, wow, we really start them young. That prepares them for every fucking comedy that Hollywood makes

that has a similar role for a woman. Well, she's not really a nag. She just wants him to, you know, stop ranting and raving about bullshit right right yeah he's a he he just cleans things compulsively that's like his hobby now has he he's never come on the podcast because that sounds pretty entertaining no but i've i've sort of made fun of him on the podcast because uh you know it's just the way he talks you know uh everything he

says you know is uh qualified by uh he's he's gotten into that phase where he tells the same story maybe two or three times a day. And then he always says, it was a different time. That's – yeah. He has a catchphrase, a refrain. Yeah, yeah. It's a different time. Yeah, my grandmother used to always go, it's a terrible thing. It's a refrain. Yeah, yeah. It's a different time. Yeah, my grandmother used to always go, it's a terrible thing. It's a terrible thing.

She would just say that all the time. And what about Jordan's family? Are they nearby? What's that? Yeah, I mean, because you guys. No, they're all East Coast. Oh, my God. So you guys are all separated.

So you're all doing the Zoom call thing all the time? Yeah, we tried to do this like sunday i guess trivia thing with our families where we do a video chat and we do trivia and we try to like gear some towards the younger people and their interests and some towards the older people it's weird though it's like really makes you realize how biased trivia is it's just like if you if you have trivia questions about the 50s like the parents the older parents are going to get them yeah you know oh right so it just feels like trivia is pandering to people in whatever bubble they're in i guess so i guess that trivia doesn't mean it has to be you know day there's this idea of like things that you know from back in the day is trivia.

Well, it's like this. Yeah, it's like a false objectivity to the whole idea of trivia. But trivia can be like, you know, what is the biggest continent? I don't know. Is that trivia or is that just information? Ask a history buff. I don't know. But so how many people on this call? Like 20? No, no. And the sad thing is like we just keep, it keeps getting messed up. Like a nap time will be off or, you know, whatever.

It's just, it's like actually kind of hard to keep it going. But we were trying to do it. We'll see. So what about all the like what about comedian friends do you talk to people yes well motion natasha they're very safe go sit in the backyard with them yeah i've done that and i heard you did too yeah on a little hike or something or was that with al madrigal i don't me and i'll go hiking twice a week yeah everyone i talked to is like i just saw marin so you're gonna definitely have coped by the end of the year

you're patient zero um but no um yeah motion natasha have this new setup where they have like a big movie like their tv but it's on the other side of these glass doors so i can sit outside and watch a movie with them but it sucks as a comedian because you have to like shout your jokes through the glass door it's like the opposite of effortless but like in terms of um like i can't i can't write anything are you you writing anything? I keep telling myself that I'm getting ready to start writing something. The gears are showing. I really want to write another movie, but I don't know. I don't know, man.

Are you going to therapy still? I do. Or did you ever? Well, I do distance therapy on my porch. Oh, that's cool. She comes over. That's a house call. Yeah. It's old-timey's that's a house call yeah it's old-timey she's doing house calls

i'm about to figure out if i can find a trainer that'll do fucking house calls oh my god i know i'm thinking about that too there's people i'm i know i bought this like tiny exercise bike that quinta brunson suggested and i put it in a shower in my house because there's like, we don't have a spot for it. And I don't want my son getting into it. And I've been trying to ride that every day. It's pretty depressing though. Just riding a stationary bike inside of a shower. Well, I go out, I go hike. Is it, am I doing the wrong thing inside a shower? No. What do you mean inside a shower?

Because there's one shower that we don't use that much. And it's like, we don't have a huge, massive house. And we don't have a logical spot for an exercise bike. So I just put it in that shower. And you're in the tub? No, it's just a shower. Okay. But are you getting outside enough?

I'm like, come on, man. It's a bike and the shower what do you not understand um no i i would like to hike um i haven't really hiked it's hard to find the time because we've been sort of just constantly bringing glasses of water to my son as any mom will tell you much of your day is spent bringing beverages to your child. Yeah, I guess that's right. I mean, I talked to Burr and he's, you know, he's got a new baby and wow.

Yeah. A new, now are you having, well, that's probably, I shouldn't probably ask that aside from worry. Okay, don't, then don't. All right. Well, you worry, but I mean, are you like, are you having like broad sort of future concerns for the kid? Yes.

Yeah. I definitely am because I think that all these kids, they're going to be impacted by this. How can you not? It's like prior to this, everything I'm doing, I'm trying to nurture my child's development. And how could a year in which this child is like a sponge and you're saying you can't see anyone you can't touch anyone you can't get close to anyone how will that affect and shape yeah how they see people in the world how could it not impact them you know it's so fucked up about it it's like and my brain keeps hitting this like, there's no one to make us feel better.

Like, you can't call somebody and be like, how's it going there? And they're like, oh, God, what do you think? Same as you. It's like, what? I know. I saw someone, this girl that is actually, it doesn't matter, but this girl that's helping me do my merch, she did this post about how you can't really expect anything from your friends in this time. You shouldn't expect anything from your friends in this time. You shouldn't expect anything from your friends. And I was like, that's kind of wild. Like, you know,

in some ways I'm like, yes, you should be able to expect things from your friends. But in other ways, I'm like, you know, it is true. Everyone's like struggling. Everyone is trying their hardest to hold it together. And take care of their families and just get through each day. So like, yeah, they might not be the best friend right now or be able to focus on their friends right now. But on the other hand, you know, as people are suffering from depression and all this stuff as a friend, like I would like to be there if I can, know for people and i try to like text people or check in with people that i know are alone and um you know stuff like that when i can i talked to i talked to my friend sam every night that's cool he's got a family but like i'm the alone guy but like every every night we talk and it's good.

And my friend Tom, you know, Sharpling. Yeah. I mean, I don't know him well. Like he'll come over and eat with me like once a week outside. Yeah. I think those things are so important right now. You have to. But those are like those risks that I have to take.

Even before Lynn died, like, you know, I knew that like if I don't take care of if I don't do a few things I'm gonna lose my fucking mind so like there are certain things where it's like I can't deny myself that or I'll start talking to myself everything will get bleak I'll get all fucking magical thinky and it'll be bad I mean it's so good that you're seeing a therapist especially because you're having to process grief and all that i mean to do that all alone is just oh it's a nightmare yeah no i'm definitely i'm definitely talking to people so are you moving merch from grief to merch you're like get off my grief bitch let's talk merch um yes i am moving merch i think my first merch pack went really really quick and i think this second one is a little bit slower but still doing really good

i mean i don't what is it what are the merch what's the merch um well you know you know i have a whole comedy concept album about coffee. Yeah. Yeah. I like the record. So, so like with each EP, I don't really believe you like it. No, I do. It's like, I listened to it. I thought it was going to be a comedy record, but it seems like there's some pretty earnest tunes on there.

Yeah, there are. There are. But then I thought that was funny. Yeah. You know, like to have a really earnest song on a concept album about coffee. But anyway, so with each EP, I dropped different merch related to the EP. So that's the merch I have. I've never done merch before this in my entire comedy career.

I think it's a good time for merch because people that do have money. Oh, it's a good time for merch. People who do have money are sitting around buying shit online. Exactly. It is weird. It's counterintuitive because you think, isn't everyone fucked up right now and broke? But I feel like those who have anything are like, I need some shopping therapy and I need a trinket to hold in my home yeah and give me some sense of something happening right yeah and it's delivered it's exciting there's a box they dropped a box over the fence exactly I don't know if you ever went to sleep away camp but I went to camp to Wongo when I was younger yeah up in the Sierras yeah and you would get the whole fun of the camp was

getting boxes from your family. The care package. Yeah. Yeah. Cookies. So that's what I feel I'm giving myself when I shop online. Yeah. It's like Christmas every day.

And now this fucking president's fucking with the post office. So he's taking that. I can't understand it. Now, what do we got? If the post office. I don't know. I ordered six pairs of wooden chopsticks yesterday. How am I no. How am I?

No. How am I? I need them. Well, now, what are you eating with chopsticks? I just cooking a lot of. Oh, sometimes I get sushi and and I only have one pair of chopsticks. And I thought, what if there comes a time where I'm going to want to have people over and they want their own set of chopsticks? That is so sad.

You should set the table now and let it wait until the pandemic's over just with several settings with chopsticks and some soy sauce bowls some old dusty chopsticks preserved over like when is this gonna end that's the thing i don't know i don't know when or how. And then also, do you think Trump will win? You know, dude, I can't even fucking. My fear goes a lot deeper than that. You worry about your kids. I worry about like all the desperation, all the you know, all the people that are going to be evicted and desperate and angry. And, you know, I worry about that, too. No, I know you do. But my my worry goes the next step, which is where Trump is back and he says, look, I know you're angry. Do you want to wear a uniform that will entitle you to kill your neighbors?

Listen, I think of this, too. Everything that's happening makes me think of all these things. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's such a lot to manage. And now all I think about is, like, can I get to Ireland? Is there a way that that can happen? I mean, my old same my old. What is your thing with Ireland? It just seems like the place like who fucking cares? You know what I mean? It's like I just realized you've mentioned Ireland like eight times. I'm like, what is Ireland? It's beautiful. It's small.

It doesn't seem to cause a lot of trouble in the world. It doesn't seem like anybody wants to fuck with it. And the people are nice. Now, I feel like I don't know the history, but doesn't Ireland have like a crazy history? Yes, yes, yes. I mean, yes. Is it possible you're idealizing Ireland? Yes, of course it is. I'll go to Canada.

I don't care. Canada or Ireland is fine. But I don't know what the other options are. I don't really want to go to Mexico. I don't speak the language. Hawaii is part of this country. But it still holds appeal. What, Hawaii?

Yeah. Yeah, but then you're on an island. Yeah. You're just sitting out there? Yeah. Yeah, but then you're on an island. Yeah. You're just sitting out there. Yeah. I've been to Hawaii many times. After about 10 days, you're like, I got to get the fuck out of here. But maybe that's because you're on vacation.

I don't know. I know somebody who went down there. I know somebody who's holed up down there, and he's going to stay down there until January. How's that person feeling? He seems good. Is it Pierce Brosnan? No, it's a comedian we know, but I don't know if he's going to stay down there till January. How's that person feeling? He seems good. Is it Pierce Brosnan? No, it's a comedian we know, but I don't know if he's,

I don't feel like he's waiting on that he's down there. That's cool. I like a secretive person. I love holding secrets. Yeah, well, we all do it. But yeah, I don't know where to go. I don't know what's going to be open to us i mean it's i don't is new zealand now having covet again like i don't think i think i

think that the the sort of what it would it seems like new zealand is this idealized uh fantasy idea and it's only really right practical for people that are billionaires like to me it's like you know like the people they're letting in the ticket to get into New Zealand is $50 million. I don't know making that up, but I mean, it doesn't seem like it's available to us. And anywhere you go,

you've got a quarantine for a couple of weeks. Like even Ireland. Wait. So you think that we have a similar, well, I don't know. You just, you had a small house.

I'm assuming you don't have $50 million to go to New Zealand and buy a bunker. No, I don't. I definitely don't. I don't know. Are the bunkers needed right now? No. No, that's a whole other level of concern. I do find solace in the fact that the United States is very big.

And I believe that there's still, at this point, a lot of people that are good-hearted and decent-minded. And I do think that a lot of our apocalyptic fears, though justified, I don't think they'll happen overnight. And I still think- Isn't it funny that when alien life comes up now, people are like, maybe they'll save us. I always thought that. Like, we used to be so scared of them, and we're like please come please help us yeah well that's like that that

what was the one what was it independence day that was the best part of that movie where all those people were on that rooftop saying we love you save us and they just get killed they just get annihilated. That's unfortunate. These little hippies with signs once they know the aliens are here and they just torch them. Maybe I should watch Independence Day. Sure, why not? I think it's Independence Day. I've never seen it.

I'm pretty sure it's Independence Day. I think that's Bill Pullman plays the president. And I think actually Randy Quaid saves the world. Who are your favorite actors in really in general yeah like who do you who do you think like really moves you on a on a regular basis as an actor who am i excited to see like will you cry to a movie i feel like you would i do i cry to a lot of different movies all criterion not all the criterion ones you know i was crying about the the pacing sometimes sometimes it's difficult to get through i've been watching a lot of mike lee movies and the pacing on them is pretty good because he's great

they're british they're dark uh he does a lot of improvised kind of work. The movie is like Secrets and Lies. Oh, cool. Yeah. Like it's all British kind of working class, heavy hearted shit. But it's great. Yeah. It's, you know, some of the. That's a good idea. Some actors, you're just sort of like, how the fuck do they even do that?

I know. But I don't know who my. It's hard for me to really think about my favorites. But I enjoy. You know, I've been watching. Sometimes I'll go on YouTube and I'll just watch old uh don rickles clips on the tonight show and shit okay that doesn't count as a favorite actor it's fun to do though you ever watch those old comics some of them are so fucking funny that

much so fucking funny that much i'm a real fan of timing you know what i watched the other night on criterion california sweet and was it good it's a it's a neil simon script and it's like four different sets of people at this hotel in hollywood it's um oh that's it's alan alda and jane fonda you know in one scenery and it and they're great. Okay, I would watch that. But then there's sort of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby and their wives in another one, and it's real slapsticky and weird. And then there's Walter Matthau

and Elaine May are another couple, and that gets a little weird. And then there's Michael Caine and Maggie Smith. A young Maggie Smith. And this young Maggie Smith. Yeah. And, but the stuff between Alan Alda and Jane Fonda is beautiful.

Great acting. She's good. She's great. All right. Go deal with your day. All right. Listen, thanks for having me.

It's actually like so weird that this is how we've caught up after all these, after all this time that we haven't really had a long talk or anything, but it was really good to, yeah, me too. It was good to see you. Got some good laughs and it was great seeing you. And cause the last time I saw you,

I, I remember it. I held your purse when you went on stage. Thank you. That's always been a conundrum for me. I'm glad you could. I never know what to do with it. I'm glad you could trust me with the purse. Always.

Forever. All right. See you later. Say hi to Jordan. I will. Bye. I love Chelsea Ferretti. How fun was that?

That was fun. Maybe I had a good time. Chelsea's movie Spinster is available now on VOD and digital platforms. I'm going to, I don't know, I got a clunky guitar piece I'll play for you right now. Okay? All right then. ¶¶ ¶¶ Thank you. Boomer lives. Monkey.

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