WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 1170 - Melinda Hill

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

If comedy equals tragedy plus time, comedian Melinda Hill has reached the point where she can make some funny out of the traumas from her past. Melinda and Marc talk about processing the pain, particularly dealing with parents suffering from mental illness. They also talk about Melinda's trajectory in the comedy business, starting with success in voiceovers to her influential LA stand-up showcase What's Up, Tiger Lily? to her acting, writing and podcasting ventures. Plus, Melinda talks about the connection she has with Marc's past, something that requires a bit of processing on Marc's end. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series, streaming February 27th, exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required.

T's and C's apply. Lock the gates! Alright, let's do this. How are you, what the fuckers? What the fuck buddies? What the fuck nicks? What's happening? This is Mark Maronon this is my pie

i'm mark maron how's that this is this is he is mark maron he is uh mark maron is talking about himself now this is mark i'm mark this is wtf how are you how's that thing on your head were you able to get a haircut this is no time to buy shoes, is it? I don't know what you're thinking with that. Did your cake come out all right? I know some of you were inspired to outdo me with your cake experiences. Well, I hope your cake made it. I did make some beef stew and cornbread.

I'm going to honor the fall of mankind. I'm going to have a fall. This is one of the things that I always miss about living in a place that has well-defined seasons is that I miss the fall. I miss going outdoors in the fall. I miss that crispness in the air. I miss the heaviness of the sky, but the beautiful light of the fall and the colors and just

breathing in that kind of cold air and knowing that you're wearing a couple layers and you got your boots on. I miss it. wearing a couple layers and you got your boots on i miss it but as soon as it gets just a little chilly in los angeles as soon as that desert chill starts coming over uh over us here i put my beanie on i was wearing my tweed jacket today i got my uh whites boots and my filson pants i got my white boots and my Filson pants. I got my flannel shirt on and I layered up and I sat out on my porch and it felt kind of fallish. I can't even explain to you. I think some of you know, fall people know.

Maybe it's because I was born in the fall. That's what some people say because it really moves me. It changes my whole disposition. I guess there's a nostalgia trigger. I can't really explain the poetry of it. But somebody told me that it's if you were, you have a relationship with the season you're born into. And that seemed to make good sense to me.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Today on the show, I talked to Mel melinda hill melinda hill is a comedian and you might know her stand-up you she's also been on a lot of comedy shows like reno 911 and the sarah silverman program and she founded a show we all used to do around here called what's up tiger lily it was at the uh the old ucb with mar Bamford, Natasha Leggero. And it was actually at a Cuban restaurant, I believe, originally. And then it kind of moved around to places. She's got a new special out called Melinda Hill Inappropriate. And I've known her forever.

And she's one of those people where I'm like, what's she up to? Where you been? How you been? And she actually came over here and we did a partitioned conversation i put my plexiglass up and we did the thing and it was good it was good we talked for a long time about deep shit and i love her and she did and i want to set this up at the beginnings before you forget she did want to make sure that you all knew that she gets along with her parents we have a conversation about parents and uh she just wanted to make it clear that she's okay with her folks okay all right all right i just want to get that out of the way i wanted to give you a heads up to a thing here um someone who's been on this show a great comedy writer funny person meryl marco uh she's been on

the past she's one of the original writers for the original david letterman show and she's written this this book she's written a lot of stuff but this is a very unique and personal undertaking she's she's done here she's She's written a graphic novel memoir. It's called We Saw Scenery, The Early Diaries of Meryl Markle. And it's hilarious and it's personal. It's great writing from one of the funniest people out there. And she did her own illustration. So it's got a very, the whole thing is a very personal undertaking. And it's great. Again, it's called The Early Diaries of Meryl Marko. We Saw Scenery is the name of the book.

So you can check that out wherever you get your books. All right. So nostalgia is what we're talking about. The fall. Where does it take you? I've thought about this idea before. It's very hard to look forward with any reasonable speculation or excitement or hope. No matter what happens, we're heading for difficult times.

COVID is out of control. The government's in chaos and malignancy people are terrified the economy's buckling so it's not like you can go like man i can't wait till what you can't wait until what till this disease is gone till this president's gone till things like start to function again normally well i don't know when that's gonna fucking happen so Things start to function again normally. Well, I don't know when that's going to fucking happen. So it's been, I think, a normal thing at this point is people are just churning through the past.

Churning through their past in terms of memories, going through stuff, a lot of organizing going on, reflection. And then churning through the past of entertainment because that's what's available to us but i always start to worry about nostalgia i worry about hanging on to nostalgia i like looking back and at least seeing the evolution of different choices i've begun to make in my life to maybe be a different person i try to have hope but i used to have this idea it was a concept that i tried to make a bit but it just never worked because it's based on the idea of your life flashing before your eyes you know they say that when you die right before you die your life flashes before your eyes and i always thought like well how long does that take is that how does it happen like quickly or is it like a year you know because once you

start reflecting or or living in the past or being nostalgic about something you know or like when old people say it was a different time they wistfully say oh it's a it was a different time is that the beginning of your life flashing before your eyes when does that happen it's hard to stay engaged because the present is terrifying but uh be careful not to get too nostalgic because it may be your life flashing before your eyes i guess that's the warning been doing a lot of cooking did i mention that made some beef stew did i mention that the beef stew don't get too nostalgic i know for the fall man i bought some apples

there's something about it man something about the fall eating a crisp apple looking at a pumpkin wearing a sweater breathing in maybe a slight hint of a fireplace in the distance or if you live out in la the entire state on fire man Man, it smells like fall. All of Northern California is smoldering. What the fuck, man? I was going to go on a hike the other day. The air was too shitty again.

And where I hike caught fire. I was lucky I didn't go. I always wondered about that. What do you do? You always got a plan in your head. But usually those plans are about as good as when you were younger were younger and you thought hey if this elevator cable broke i could just jump up right before it hits and then land safely yeah i got a plan from on the mountain and it catches fire i'll just go up to that area where there's no trees and lay down no good no bueno you better run man so yeah the fall nostalgia

i had dreams again i had a lynn shelton dream and um it's heavy, but it's good. I'm trying to see them as good. I'm trying to see them as visits. My grief has been sort of, it's sort of turned into kind of a baseline sadness, but I had this dream. I've been doing these Instagram Lives.

I say some shit about some people occasionally i try to maintain a certain amount of diplomacy but you know sometimes my real feelings come out tempered but true but i said something about somebody in a show but it was just this old sort of weird kind of gnawing resentment that you know has been worked over it's i'm not it's not active but that guy uh from radio lab jad but he once said something to a friend of mine at an event about me and not knowing it was my friend that got back to me and it kind of gave me kind of stuck in my craw forever so i I was just telling the story, but the dream was like in the dream,

I was looking at my phone and there was an incoming call from radio lab. And I was like, Oh no. And Lynn was just there. She was just right in my face. And she was smiling. She's like, what did you do?

What did, why, why don't you want to answer the phone what did you do and she's looking at me smiling like knowing that i did something wrong and i'm like what and she was just sort of like what did you do and her face was right up near my face and i put my hands and i grabbed her cheeks and i just held her face. And I said, uh, I said, I miss you. I miss you. And, um, and she, she, she walked, uh, a few feet away and she goes, it's, it's real. It's real. Or this is real. I don't know which.

And I don't know what she was referring to. Was she referring to the visit or was she referring to her being gone? I don't know. But it did soften me and made me realize it was that energy. Like, what did you do? Mark, don't. Come on that energy. Like, what did you do? What Mark don't come on,

Mark. Oh, come on. She was such a, uh, big hearted person, big spirit. And I have to be careful not to let mine close up. I have to be careful not to let my heart close up. I have to be careful, you know, not to, you know, to be angry and resentful and mean again. I do. I do miss her. And I do like, I do like those visits. And I am really trying to actively make her memory a blessing. So, Melinda Hill is my guest.

And her new special, Melinda Hill Inappropriate, is available now on Amazon Prime, Apple TV, YouTube, and most other video-on-demand platforms. You can also get the audio version on most streaming music platforms. And I've known her for a long time. She's always been on the periphery, if not right in front of me, probably going on 18 years. She's just always been around. I've always been like, you know, what have you been doing? You know, and it was, this is really the first time we talked like this. This is me talking to Melinda. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

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An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun. A new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. The Hill.

Look, I wore this in honor of you. Cat Sabbath. Thank you. Cat Sabbath. How many? Do you have cats? You got one? Yeah, I have the one.

Just the one? Yeah. Did you have more? I would like to give him a little friend. How long have you had this one? This one, Stardust, is about four years old so but she's been alone the whole time do you do you find see this guy used to have the old ones so i feel like he's longing oh yeah and it makes me sad like i'm like is he does he need somebody that's how i feel i ask him all the time i'm like do you need a little friend should i get you a little another kitten yeah um and do you feel like you get responses what are you feeling

like uh she's saying well it's a he okay yeah stardust is a he i'm sorry i should have asked for how does he identify is it a day it's a he and he believes he's a lion so he's not really a cat okay but uh i i'm not really sure if he would like another one well that's the risk you take right if you get another one you don't know if they get a get along well mine i know my guy i know how he behaves he's a bully and he's a fucker and he used to beat up on the old man. Okay, no respect for age this cat and And it was like it was a problematic because when monkey got old and sick this guy this was like jumping on him I was like dude, so He was actually I neglected him

Hmm. So this is the first time because he's ever since he was I got him I had the old cats and he was always sort of the third banana. So now he's got all my attention. He's turning into this other kind of cat kind of wild like a like a happier cat. He's just becoming more friendly a little more open a little more connected because when I got one cat if I'm focused on a cat, I'm checking in all the time, you know, don't you? Yeah, for sure.

I mean, right you walk in you're like what's up hi yeah where are you yeah yeah but when you have a couple or you're focused on the old guy my old guy yeah but was always like lee i was just like leave him alone leave him alone like stop it so that was the relationship but now it's sort of like hey buddy all the time and he doesn't i don't think he knows what to do with it where where did you get him showed up he was eating on the porch of my old house wild and fucked up and crazy okay did he it wasn't quite i don't think he was feral i think someone you know he someone had gotten him had him for a little while and then he got out and he was in the wild but he's only a couple

months old but he was fast and crazy and living in the wild. Yeah. Crazy. Like this little fucking, he's a tough little fucker. Aw. I always tell Stardust, I remind him of the story that, you know, he was. The origin story? The origin story. Exactly.

I tell it to him like a bedtime story. I'm like, you were rescued from the Downey shelter. Downey? What were you doing there? Well, several friends knew I wanted a cat. Maria Bamford took me to the Pasadena shelter to get one. And they didn't have any kittens available that day, weirdly. So my other friend Beth took me to the Downey shelter.

And that's where I found this little guy. And he was in a cage with a bunch of rapscallions who were like going nuts on the cage. And he was the little demure one. Oh. And you got him. Yeah. That's nice. And it worked out?

Yeah. He's part-time rapscallion. Oh, good. He concealed it that day. Yeah. But generally, he's very demure and sweet. Putting on a show. Wanted to get out.

Yeah. Get me out of here, lady. I got your number. Yeah. Exactly. We had an old cat back when Mishnah and I moved here. We had that butch cat. And then that died. But we had gotten that cat, another cat, Boomer.

And I picked the craziest cat in the place. Because we went to some shelter. It wasn't like a city shelter, but it was one where it just seemed like most of the cats were cats that people got tired of. Like all the cats looked like they were over 10 and clearly looked like other people's cats.

But this one, there was one that was just out of his mind. I'm like, that one. And I didn't realize it until I trapped these other guys. That fucking guy was completely feral. Completely feral. Oh, wow. So, like, what was the training process, like, bringing him into? You can't break him down.

These other ones that I had aren't. Maybe in a decade, you can get them to sit on your lap or something. But you can't pick them up. They're tweaked all the time. But, you know, you get used to them. I've had three had three feral cats like real feral cats now in my life for me they're good because you got to fight for it you know there's a distance there there's aggressive boundaries you know yeah that's a and like when i get cats that are just sort of like loving fat little cats i'm like how little self-respect jesus look at you oh my god come pull it together

but like i was thinking about our past how long i've fucking known you yeah it's kind of crazy it really is right yeah want, like, whenever I see you, I'm like, what has she been doing? My God. Melinda, what have you been, where are you, where have you been? What have you been doing? Uh-huh. That's the feeling I get. Now you've got this special coming out.

Yeah. What's it called? It's called Inappropriate. Where'd you do it? I did it down the street in Hollywood. Well, down the street from me, not you. What's it called? It's called Inappropriate. Where'd you do it? I did it down the street in Hollywood. Well, down the street from me, not you. What do you mean? What place? It's in Theater Row.

It's called Oh My Ribs Theater. On Santa Monica? Yeah. That weird little Theater Row. Yeah. What is going on down there? I think there's a lot of plays happening there. It's always like, it's been there forever yeah i've done stand-up shows

there you know at one point or another but i'm just like there's there's not much theater in la and i just always wonder how those places work do people just rent them out did you just rent it out yeah did you do a run there before you know know, I thought we considered it, but I just, no. I just did two shows in one night and taped it. So you shot it? Yeah. With two, three cameras? I think there were three.

You pulled the crew together? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Did you use both shows or just the one? You know, the second one was pretty unusable, so it's primarily the first one. Isn't that always what happens? Yeah. Did you use both shows or just the one? You know, the second one was pretty unusable. So it's primarily the first one. Isn't that always what happens? Yeah.

Like that happens. You always shoot the two. And rarely, in my experience, I haven't used a lot of the other one. Yeah. No, we just mostly went with the first one. And Comedy Dynamics is putting it out. And it's coming out October. So you just did a deal with them after the fact?

Well, I made a list of places that do specials and I thought I would just go down and call the people on the list. And they were like the first name and they just took it. So I didn't go to any other names. Good for you. Be a fighter.

Really, go and get what you want. Don't let anyone walk all over you, Melinda. Wait, the first people want it? Let's take it, right? We take it, right? Well, Maria, because I'm really good friends with Maria Bamford, and she had just done her special with them, and she was like, they're amazing. Yeah.

So it was like a glowing endorsement. So she was championing you a bit? Did she bring you into them? No, wrote them myself you wrote them yeah no management no so what was the deal a handshake okay you're like will you will you guys distribute this sure do i get any money we'll see oh it sounds perfect take it. No, I had a lawyer and I did a deal. Oh, good. You know, there was a negotiation. Oh, good.

So it was real show business. Yeah. I didn't just. You didn't send them a handwritten letter. I didn't just send them the beta tape and say, you know. The beta tape. Wish for the best. Good.

Well, that's good. So now, but this is your first special. Yeah. But you've done CDs or yeah, I feel like you have. I did a few CDs back in the day. Few CDs back in the day. Yeah. Selling them at the club.

Right? Oh my gosh. Yeah. I mean, this was supposed to happen years before supposed to air quotes. You know, it was purchased by Chill. The special. Yeah. Do you remember that company, Chill? No.

Okay, so they made Maria's other special. The one she did in front of her parents? The one with the parents, which I love. And then they did, like, Ari Shafir's and Greg Proop's and stuff and uh we had a deal with them i was at brillstein at the time and um and then they folded the whole company folded she was a production company yeah and then i was with anonymous content and they were also making after brillstein after brillstein was with anonymous was making then a special with them that didn't go through and so now i just did it on my own you're a persevering woman well and i also feel like if it had happened at those

times it wouldn't have been the same special funny dating stories gone wrong, which are always entertaining. But now there's a more thorough narrative arc. And I've learned more as a person. And there's it's this one's healing trauma um so that we don't continue to recreate it and so oh really so it's like an emdr special it's got it's a very do you have to watch you have to move your head you have to move your eyes when you watch it back and forth someone should do that that would be a revolutionary It typically, it actually is. It actually is. It's about when I went to EMDR and healed my trauma. Holy shit. Yeah.

Well, okay. Well, good. And so I feel like it's got a much stronger message now because I have more healing as a person. Well, where'd you come from? Like, where did you like? from like where like where did you like because like when i got here when i got back here in 2002 and i was desperately trying to you know plant myself here you know i wasn't really known but you had a room early on right yeah like way early i was like a box a box, right? Was it in a mall? It was a box.

Exactly. It was a box in a mall. Let's see. I had first, I had several. Wait, where'd you come from? Okay, so I was born in Hutchinson, Kansas. Kansas? You're like a Kansas person?

Yeah. Where's Hutchison? Hutchinson is. Hutchinson. Yeah. Hutchinson or Hutch. Hutch. Hutchinson. Yeah. Hutchinson or Hutch. Hutch. As the locals might refer to it.

When they say, how many high schools are in Hutchinson? I don't actually know because we only lived there like two months. So you got out. Don't have a lot of info about it, but it's a small town in Kansas. So that's where you were born. And then where did you grow up? Well, so we moved 27 times. What the fuck? Military or just running away?

My dad... Was he a criminal? I would say both. I would say both. My dad was military, was Navy, and he was bipolar. Ooh, exciting. And he loved to move on a bipolar high. My dad did that. What? Sure. Yeah. Really? How many times? When he destroyed his wife and hit the road? I don't know. Let's see. I'm trying to

think. So he started in Albuquerque. He was in Victoria, Texas, Warsaw, New York, Muscatine, Iowa. I don't remember. There was at least four or five times where, and I used to track it. Because him and my mom broke up, so he hit the road. He was a doctor, but he got kind of chased out of Albuquerque. Chased out? I never got the full, clear story i knew that he would what he would do is he would sign up he would he would get a job basically as an orthopedic surgeon in existing

practices and do a year deal with them in these different places so he wouldn't have to pay you know he'd have an office he wouldn't you know he would just enter an existing practice in these other towns and then he'd stay there for a year but it always sort of kind of it was the arc of his cycle like you know by the time he left i got the feeling that the town wanted him to leave do you know what i mean like it was right around the time where the mania would kick in he'd be writing letters to the newspaper and you know getting you know so i am i guess i'm just saying i'm familiar with the manic compulsion but your dad would say like i want a new life he i don't even think it was that conscious

but i do think that's what it was that he would say we've got to go yeah and sometimes it would be like that night oh really yeah he'd be like we're leaving and you know in the middle of the night how many kids were there three that's crazy it was very it was was he in trouble ever he was never in trouble that i know of uh so he wasn't like literally like we got to get out before they get me no it was just more like i mean he would have like a reason always like job transfer or i'm leaving this job or i need to there's a better job here or you know something like that but um he loved to move like i've never seen him happier than when we were moving in motion yeah that freed feeling yeah starting over well you know how they call it they

call that a geograph geographic geographic yeah so if you you know how they call that a geograph, right? Geographic? Geographic. Yeah. And so if you, you know, people change their hair all the time. It's a hair geographic. Oh, that's interesting. I never heard that. And you want to change.

I've done some hair and clothing geographics in my time. Sure. Me too. Oh, my God. But have you? You look exactly the same. For like 15 years. Why are you yelling at same. For like 15 years. Why are you yelling at me? For like 15 years.

I could tell you, I could see Melinda Hill from a half a mile away and know it was you. Thank you. It's a compliment. I did do brown hair once. And red hair. Big geographic. Do you even cut it though? I did.

I did chop it all off once when I was like 18. Oh, okay. Before I knew it. Yeah. Right. So, but fuck, you can watch all my Conan's and see like, what's this guy got going on today? Haircuts, outfits.

Did it change a lot? I feel like you look exactly the same. I locked in at some point. I realized like, it's time to commit to a lot. I feel like you look exactly the same. I locked in at some point. I realized like it's time to commit to a thing. Well, I've had the mustache configuration for a while. I don't know if I had it when I met you. I don't think I had it when I got here. Maybe scruff, but not the mustache. I had long hair. Okay. I don't remember the long hair. I feel like you've always. I guess it was kind of short. You look the same. I feel like you've always looked the same yeah i'll take it i think it's about right some people look drastically different from year to

year yeah well some people do the rebranding you know like that guy's not working anymore i need a new hook you know that guy, what's his name? You know, he's a comic. He was on Comic Last Standing. Chris, tall guy. He used to be like, you know, he talks like this. He's from the South. Chris Porter.

Chris Porter. He went through full rebranding. What's the rebrand? Just like, you know, dark horn-rimmed glasses, short hair. He's not like white trash Southern Rock anymore. He's like a comedy nerd guy now. He went full Jonah Ray. Well, I guess we're allowed to evolve.

Of course. I'm a full believer. So, all right. So you're going from town to town. What were the cycles? Like every year or tighter? It must have been tighter than that. It really varied.

We did live in 27 places. There were many schools. It's so rough. It was definitely rough. And I feel like my formative years, though, were spent in Colorado Springs, which I kind of think of as home. Okay. Even though I never visit. Like high school?

Yeah. Like, you know, ninth grade in there. And then we moved to a little town called Woodland Park, Colorado. And then we moved to Halst town called woodland park colorado and then we moved to halstead kansas when i was back to kansas when i was a junior in high school so you just kept pulling out of high school pulling you out of friends so you're unable to really make bonds that lasted exactly but like in terms of the bipolar situation so your mom that was she just like a kind of codependent in this situation did

she have a bat did she have any sort of will or strength of her own in the face of this horrendous i i'm assuming tornado of bipolarity no no she um was married yes definitely codependent. Married at 19. Had me shortly thereafter. I'm the oldest. At 20 she had you? Yeah, 19. At 19. Imagine having a child at 19.

My mom was 22. I can't figure it out. And she had two subsequent children immediately, both my brothers. And, you know. Was your dad still in the military? No dad had returned from the navy he was like 26 he met my mom and they were married they had three children my mom um had was an orphan she was orphaned at six. So she grew up in foster parents? She was separated from her...

She was one of six children. They were all separated at age six from their parents because her dad had PTSD, like shrapnel in his brain from the war. And so he couldn't care for the children. And they... He would forget to feed them, like stuff like that. So where was the mom?

The mom was there, but she, I guess, had emotional breakdown. I don't know if it was like... Wow. So your mom lived with this family? This was her parents for six, till she was six? Till she was six.

So she was wired for she was wired her future exactly and they were out like you know she was like one of the oldest her and her sister so they would like care for all the other kids so they would like have to steal food to eat like that level before they were taken away and then they were you know separated into foster care and um holy christ she tells like the story that like they were in this orphanage and the highlight of the kid's day was like when this policeman would come around on his beat to the window and like do like a funny dance for the kids. Like they would gather around the window and like wait for this policeman.

Exciting. Live entertainment. His first open mic. Anyway, so she was eventually adopted. And by a very abusive alcoholic, she ran away at 16 with her brother. The two of them were adopted? Yeah.

They were adopted together by abusive alcoholics. And the alcoholic woman would just beat them up every night. I mean, this was before they knew about child abuse and stuff. We knew about it. But, you know, kids, they don't know like we're supposed to report this, you know, especially being adopted. So at one point, my mom was 16 her brother was 15 her brother was getting you know beaten up or whatever and he ran out the door to the

police station yeah and my mom ran after him yeah and they were taken out of that home and my mom went to live with her friend and then she met my my dad, like, you know, two years later. Oh, my God. And he's back from the Navy and he's got the bipolar. Well, nobody knows that he has bipolar until years later. So my whole childhood, it was unmedicated. So, like, well, what did he go down down? Like, I mean, like depressed? Yeah. Yeah. He would get, like, well, what were, what did he go down, down? Like, I mean, like depressed.

Yeah. Yeah. He would get like really depressed and he was from like the good family in the town. So my mom was like really excited to be with him and a part of this great family. Cause my mom like. Yeah. In Kansas, Halstead, Kansas. Yeah.

All she ever wanted was like a great, to be a part of a great family. But he's from Halstead? He's from Halstead, Kansas. So Hutchinson is just where you were born. Right. So Halstead is close to Hutchinson. Maybe it's like an hour away. But Halstead has brick streets.

Right. So he come from an old family in Kansas? Rich family? They're not rich, but they were very well respected. The hills of Halstead, Kansas. The hills of Halstead. The Hills of Halstead. Yes. And you know, there were nine children, Catholic,

and they were all like the star athletes of the school. How many cousins do you have? A million. I don't even know. Hundreds. Do you know them? No. None of them? No. None of them?

I mean, yes, of course I know them and remember them from many gatherings through my childhood. And my grandma always had these fabulous gatherings with all the cousins and stuff. But I'm not close. cousins and stuff. But I'm not close. So this is like, not that I'm psychoanalyzing, but I mean, this is kind of rough to get any footing in the old

sense of self, I imagine. It's just kind of a walking untethered vessel. That's the name of my next special. Walking untethered vessel. That's the name of my next special. Walking untethered vessel. Wow. Yeah, truly. Truly.

Yes, you're right. And you wandered out here somehow. Yes, I untethered. I blew in here from Kansas like the Wizard of Oz. Yeah. Untethered. Looking for someone to tether you. Yeah, looking to- For show business to tether you.

Yeah, looking to the most untetherable business in the world. To parent you. Yes, like so many others. I know. I know. but what was that like so like are your siblings all right they're great mark that's good that's good you look very concerned no i'm serious like because you know you think of the three like coming from depression and and that kind of stuff and talking to so many people it is nice to to know that you know people get out it's a good you know not only you but they're doing okay yeah for sure

it's it's inspiring did you take the hit for them what do you mean i mean were you well i mean you're the oldest yes so like were you more aware of like the insanity? Were you protective of them? I was. It's really hard to, you know, live in that and want to protect everyone. And I definitely like wanted to, sorry, protect my mom and my brothers. It was a very turbulent household. So, you know, I definitely wanted to be able to do that and i kind of like grew up kind of getting my validation in life by being people's counselor you know hearing people out and supporting people like your mom sometimes yeah for sure was like always trying you know to save my mom and help

her and what was it was your father abusive or just out of his mind both he was a rager so i know that one i think that's why you always had a natural aversion to me. What? You're like, that guy's, he's a monster in there. I can see a monster. I've never had a natural aversion to you, Mark. What are you talking about? Is this an imagined? Maybe.

Maybe it's slightly imagined. Are you projecting? No, not really. Not really. I was a, you know, I was a rager when I was younger.

Yeah. So I understand it. Well, it's familial, right? So it's passed down. My old man, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's horrible.

It's horrible. I mean, it's certainly a lot of what, because I associate you with my ex-wife. And that was much of the reason why she left me, was because of that. So I'm familiar with it. And I know the damage that it can cause She left me, you know, was because of that. So like I'm familiar with it. And I know the damage that it can cause.

Because it's just so, it's so, like especially with bipolar is like you can't help them when they're depressed. They'll drain you that way. And then when they're manic and they're raging around, then they just, you can't be close to them because they're going to hurt you. Right? So your whole sense of self gets all shattered. Yeah. I mean, and it's just really unpredictable. I mean, it's so predictable.

You don't know when it's going to happen. Yeah. So he would be like the most charismatic person in the world and then alternately very depressed and sad not just like a black hole not talking to anyone only speaking to the pets they get that horrible look in their eye when they're depressed that kind of like there's a like an almost kind of lostness inconsolonsolable. Gone. It's the worst. Not even there. Like there, but not there. Right. And then alternately extreme rage, like throwing the vacuum, like war zone. Oh, man.

Sorry you went through that. Thank you. And not physically abusive, though, thankfully. That's lucky. Though a little trickier to address the trauma. It is because it's subtle. Yeah, and it's like a period of trauma. Like, I find, especially with EMDR,

that if you have an event that you can start with and move through, that seems to be really the good way to do it. But if you're just sort of like, well, my whole childhood. Okay. That's a lot. That's a long therapy session. Did you do EMDR too? I have. Okay. I do it now. What's your experience? Well, my buddy Steve is one of the big guys, practitioners of it.

Steve Danziger. You know Steve? No. He was my sponsor, but he's also my friend. Cool. And he got hip to it a few years back. So he actually teaches EMDR. So he told me about it, and he showed me how it worked.

But lately, I've been seeing a therapist who does it, a friend of his, this woman, in processing Lynn's death. Specifically, last week or a week or so ago, going through that last week of her life here. Oh my gosh. Not knowing that she was dying. And then looking back at it after she passed, you know, my point and the, you know, the weight of that. We, you know, we, we, we reprocessed that twice. I, you know, the second time a couple weeks ago and it definitely helps. Do you feel lighter or you feel like, how is it making you feel?

Well, I mean, it's really about, like you said, whether you believe in the hocus pocus of it or not. Because I think that EMDR is an uphill battle is, come on, with the buzzers and this and that, however you're going to do it, right? Yeah. It seems a little crack potty. Right. the this and that, however you're going to do it, right? Yeah. It seems a little crack potty. Right.

But there is some science there and they're having a lot of success with vets and PTSD and stuff. So for me, once I understood that the agenda was to kind of like open up whatever the, I don't know, do you know exactly how it works? I think, and I'm paraphrasing, but it's been described to me something like you take the traumatic memory that you're currently reacting to and reacting from that space in your life the historical trauma and you take it and you process it in real time with this eye movement stuff and it puts it into the right drawer in your brain so you're no longer reacting from that space. You're not constantly re-traumatizing yourself. Right. Or perceiving circumstances to be historical.

Right. So the eye movement thing or the buzzers kind of distract the brain in a way that you can pull this stuff out of your reptilian or animal brain where trauma plants itself. Yeah. And move it into the more cognizant thing. Kind of like almost spread it out or something. Yeah. And I think just processing those emotions of grief, of anger, of sadness, of fear.

Yeah, I like it. The process where you start with the thing and then you do the buzzers or the eye movement and then like where are you at now? Yeah. And you kind of go through that like five or six times until you see where you end up. Yeah. Even that process without buzzers or eye movement would be good.

Yeah. But with it, to answer your question, like I was, I kind of was compulsively going over all that, all the things that happened. Yeah. That week. Not so much that I felt like I didn't do what I could, but I didn't know she was dying. So in retrospect, you're sort of like,

ah, maybe I should have taken her. It's not a lot of shoulda, woulda, coulda, because what she had would have done her in anyways. But there are moments where where like i like they're just you know they just you keep going back and you keep so that so by reprocessing it it seems to have subsided a little i don't revisit it that's really powerful to not be in that loop because that is the that that's i believe that's when it's it's coming up for healing? So in doing this process, it's healing. Right. So clearly what we're talking about is like a long period of different types of trauma,

right? Yeah. You know, what started happening was I started kind of hiding, like going underground, like wanting to have, you know, do my career and getting this acting work and stuff. But I would start like hiding. There's something inside of me like undermining me, like trying to stay hidden where it just felt safe. Like isolating? Yeah. Like, you know, I had Tiger Lily and it was like crowded every week and we'd have these great lineups. Yeah. You started that room with Maria? Maria Bamford.

And was it just you two? It was Maria Bamford, Natasha Leggero, and me and Liz Feliz. And Liz Feliz at the Cuban restaurant? Yeah. I thought it would be a weekly show that would last like a month, and it just ran for 10 years. It had a life of its own. Right. So maybe we'll back up and back in and then drive into the trauma.

So when do you run away from home? So I left home three days after high school. So 18 years old. So you're like fucking done. I was out. As soon as you could. Yes. I had to go.

And I did feel guilty. I didn't want to leave my brothers there. But I had to go. And you came here? No. So because we had been moved from Colorado Springs where all of my friends were and my boyfriend and stuff, I wanted to go back and be with them for that summer. So I told my mom, I'm going to Colorado Springs for the summer with no intent of ever coming back,

but she didn't know that. So I went to Colorado Springs to try to be with all my friends. Well, they've all moved on. High school's over. They're all going to college. And so I'm just there, like the loneliest feeling in the world, like trying to. Oh, my God. So you go back to get some. I'm going to go back home where my friends are.

And you're knowing everyone's gone. I'm going to get my teen years back. And they're gone. Sad story. Everyone's moved on. Wow. So I took this weird nanny job. I had a scholarship. I had a theater scholarship to Wichita State University. And I was like, well, I'm going to take six months off and take this weird nanny job. Why is it weird? It paid like 200 a month. Not much. And you lived at the house?

Yeah. And I took care of these four children. Four? And I was like eight. I was 18. Crazy. Were the parents weird? No.

I mean, it was a sweet woman. She was a flight attendant. She was always gone. But I think I just took it in the moment because I needed like a place to stay. And then I just ended up staying there for like the whole semester and then I was like, what am I doing? I need to go to school

and I moved back and took my scholarship. So you went from taking care of your siblings to taking care of strange kids. Yeah. Well, I mean, I wouldn't call them strange. They were sweet but...

The caretaker role followed you around. Right. And then, yeah. So you go to Wichita. Yeah. So you go to Wichita. Yeah. So I go to Wichita. And you get your theater degree. I do a bunch of plays and a bunch of writing classes.

And I, that's where I got like a lot of, I mean, I had already been doing plays for years. So you went for four years? You did the whole thing? No. I did a year there and I did a year at KU in Lawrence. Uh-huh. Yeah. Did you get a degree or no? No. Fuck it. You got some skills. I did some writing classes, got some skills

and then I came here and went to acting school. Where? Joanne Barron. Joanne Barron. She still around? I believe so. Was there famous people? Who were her famous people? Her famous people were like Robin Wright Penn That's all I can think of They all have one No, I'm sure there are many Did you go to acting school?

I did not go to acting school But I did study some acting with Mark Howard in New York briefly. I took it here and there, but I would never say I studied for very long. Do you feel that it helped you or you didn't really need it because you always just play yourself, right? Now, wait a minute. I think that I'm a nuanced actor that does different variations. Yes, yes.

That didn't land well I feel like a lot of comedians are such good actors and dramatic actors as well and then some really just they're just straight comedy I didn't really do any acting until much later it was really here and there I never sought

I never tried to do it because I always believed that at some point there were just people better at sitcoms than me I'm not it's not I can't do it so I feel like you're great I think you're great in glow yeah but I would that was like four years ago right so I was already I was 50 something years old I mean that's really the first acting job I really had was doing Marin I feel like though that's my late 40ss. But that's perfect. No, I'm not complaining. It's like divine timing.

Yeah, I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that none of it was going to happen and it didn't happen and I never... I guess my point was I never really put myself out there to be an actor. I couldn't handle it.

Right. Because I had so much invested in my own work to go and do mediocre scripts and have this garbage come out of your mouth and have that be your life and worry about

whether you can deliver the garbage well. I mean, it's like, fuck it. And I don't even think I had representation for a decade. I think Dave Beck used to tell me that I had representation, but I really don't think I did. What's that mean? I just don't think I had an agent. I think I had, every once in a while,

he'd get somebody to do him a favor and send me out a few times until I didn't get anything. And then I just stopped fucking had an agent. I think I had. Every once in a while, he'd get somebody to do him a favor and send me out a few times until I didn't get anything. And then I just stopped fucking worrying about it. Yeah. Well, that's when things happen, right? No, there wasn't. When you stop worrying about it.

When things happen is when I fired Dave Becky. I lost everything. Mishnu left me, crushed my life. I had nothing. And I didn't know what was going to happen. That's when it happened. Not when I gave up. That's when it happened. Not when I gave up. That's when it happened.

Where I'm like, I guess it's not going to work out. That's when it happened. Not when I'm like, I don't give a fuck. But I seriously was just sort of like, it's over. And I'm going to have to figure something out. I've had such similar experiences of just giving up. Oh, yeah. And then there's, there it is. Right. But it's just giving up that plan, yeah. And then there's, there it is, you know?

Right. But it's just giving up that plan and being like, okay, I guess this isn't going to be a thing. Well, yeah, but you've had so many things and so many things that went for a while, that almost went. I mean, so like when did it start?

I mean, because like there's some things, there's things you created that went for a while. Yeah. Like, when did all that start happening? I mean, you've been plugging along. I have been plugging along. I mean, I guess, you know, after acting school, they have a little consultation at the end. And my teacher was like, I think you should go into comedy.

You're accidentally funny. You're doing these serious scenes. And everyone's laughing. Figure out how to do it on purpose. Good luck with that. That's my next special, accidentally funny. You're doing these serious scenes and everyone's laughing. Figure out how to do it on purpose. Good luck with that. That's my next special accidentally funny. So I went to the Groundlings. Oh really? Yeah. And I completely I mean I had never even really seen stand up at this point. My brother was a huge comedy fan. But I went through the

Groundlings. I learned how to write sketches. Were you ever in the company? No. So I advanced through all the levels to the very tip-top level. And then at that precipice, right before you go into Sunday company, I, along with 10 other people

in our 12-person class, were cut. Devastating. And it was a very talented, tremendously talented group. It was like Mikey Day, who's on SNL now. The guys you got cut? Brian Keith Etheridge. Well, Mikey was a, I think they told him to repeat.

And Brian Keith Etheridge, who's a big TV writer, and Kristen Wiig. And it was like a great group. But at that point I was cut from there and I was devastated. Just, I mean, imagine like spending like every night going to these shows and taking all the classes and writing all these sketches. Working towards this thing.

Working towards a thing. And really putting your heart and soul in this basket. Holy shit. And then the basket gets up and walks away. Ugh. So. First lesson in show business. What's the lesson?

It's not necessarily a meritocracy. It doesn't end well for many people. And it's filled with rejection. That's right. And so at that time, I, well, first I was like, I'm quitting. Oh, yeah. I'm quitting acting. Yeah, where are you going to go?

Forget it. It's over. End of the road here. Yeah, I guess. Is Kansas hiring? I don't know. The state? Yeah. I'd like to apply to Kansas. Yeah, I guess. Is Kansas hiring? I don't know. The state? Yeah.

I'd like to apply to Kansas. Kansas, do you remember me? Is it too late? I'm sorry I left. That's your next one-person show. Because a lot of titles are coming up during this episode. Kansas, do you still remember me? That's a book.

That's not a comedy special. That's a book. So you didn't quit acting. Well, I did quit. And I took a job at waitressing. And out of the blue, this agent called me. And they're like, we saw you at the Gromling show. Oh, great.

They dragged you back in. They're like, we just put a voiceover booth in. We think you'd be great at voiceovers. So I went in and auditioned for this voiceover. I booked it. It ran four years. It won the Emmy for Outstanding Commercial. Really?

You made some money. And I found out I got the job while I was in the bank for identity theft I found out I'd been identity theft in all these checks so I'm like waitress to get this job maybe like 13 a night I've quit acting I like I've got these checks that people have washed my checks that I dropped in the Los Feliz post office and I'm in there sorting that out my agent calls who sent me on one audition they're like you booked it and I just thought it was like a spec thing i was gonna pay like 50 bucks and it was like this giant commercial campaign for city bank wow and how many how many spots did you do that was it

it was the og original city bank spot with the guy sitting in the recliner and he's had his identity stolen by a valley girl and that was me going like first I emptied the checking account there in the 50 it was a sexy little outfit you know that thing yeah I just had to have it that thing so that like ran and then I was started doing stand-up because I was like well that thing ran a long time right that commercial ran four years but that was back in the day where you made a little money on that shit yeah you made a lot of um great money on those campaigns and then I was doing stand up and um there was a an agent in the audience from ICM voice so I got signed to ICM voice and then I was like working all the time in voiceover so that happened right after saying I'm never acting again voiceover that's where you that was the secret because I was always sort of like what does Melinda Hill do

I know she's doing stand-up over here but like what does she go on the road? What does she do? Voiceover. You had a secret voiceover life. Yeah, I was doing... I've done a lot of voiceover and then the grounding stuff really came in handy because it was like using all those characters and voices and then I started

doing those in my act and then I got on Adventure Time cartoon. you did a lot of episodes of that yeah that's great did you do it too i did one episode but it seems like they called you back all the time you did a bunch of characters i did a few like um i don't know five and then like when maria bamford was doing her show they just would hire me to fill in for her voices really yeah when she was doing it because i oh just would hire me to fill in for her voices. Really?

Yeah, when she was doing it. Oh, she's on Adventure Time a lot? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Maria did so much voice stuff. Oh, really? I didn't realize. Yeah. Do you do a lot of voice stuff?

It seems like you would. I don't. I do. I have done lately. I did a flying squirrel on Adventure Time. In voiceovers, they're not looking for me to have a lot of range. They want me to be what I am, usually. Like, I've just done two movies that are roughly different degrees of me.

Like, I don't do much of this. You know? I don't do that voice. No, I don't do much of this. You know. I don't do that for you. No, I don't do any of this. Oh, no. Please don't. But they're like, we went. We're the cranky guy.

We got a cranky snail. Yeah. I offered you. Remember I offered you a part in my series as the angry guy. Yeah. And you were like, I can't do it. And then T.J. Miller did it. Good.

Lucky you. I'm so glad. So when do... Now we're skipping over some of the gossipy stuff. We're skipping over personal life stuff. Because I remember there's a lot of trauma in the world. Like the world was small enough back then to where, like, when he broke up with What's-His-Name and went with the What's-Her-Name, there was like a big, there was a rupture in the community. What?

It's like, what? She's not going out with What's-His-Name and she's going out with her? When did this happen? Do you remember? No, what are you talking about? I just remember Dylan. Oh, Dylan. Yeah.

You were with Dylan. And he was sort of a comic, right? Or an actor? Dylan was not a comic. He was a very talented filmmaker. But he was always with you. He was. Yeah, he was great.

But I don't know how public you are about whatever. It seems like you are. Are you? About. Because you're you are. Are you? About. Because you're public about the secret society? I mean, I feel like it helps people. Me too.

So I used to see, you know, him at certain secret society meetings, because I'd go to both of them, because I was with Double Winner. I was doing the codependent thing and the AA thing. Yeah. And all of a sudden, you're not with Dylan anymore and then you're with

Tig and everyone was like, she's with Tig? When did that happen? That went on for like a year or so, right? No, I was with Dylan about, and there's some time lapse issues in that. In my narrative? In your narrative. I'm sorry, I didn't keep up with

you as fully as I should. You didn't keep the best tabs. But yeah, I was with Dylan about two and a half years. Right. And then

I left. We broke up and I left the Secret Societies and I started drinking. Oh. How long had you had sober? Several years at that point. So how was, was it fun to start drinking? It actually was so fun.

Yeah, this is really helping other people. Not only does the secret society not work, but it's fun to drink. No, it definitely was really fun until it wasn't anymore and now i definitely prefer not drinking personally for me are you back in the game yeah oh nice and when did eight congratulations thank you i got 21 you're winning no. No. You're winning. That's amazing. No one wins. It's just a day, man. We just got today. So when did the Tig thing happen?

Are we just going over that? Well, I mean, what have you heard? I'll fact check. I haven't heard anything. I just remember we were all sort of excited and intrigued. Melinda Hill is with Tig Notaro. And a lot of us are like wow Tig's got game

she's a player man Melinda what is how does it work what's happening people need answers oh my gosh so funny

well that happened about you know yeah I guess around that time yeah Dylan and I broke up. I'd always had a boyfriend doing stand-up. I was with Dylan the whole time. So I was never throwing out some single vibe or anything.

Right, right. And then, yeah, I started having drinks at shows. And then I started traveling around the world, having drinks in other countries, trying all the drinks and, um, you know, having the Mai Tai in Hawaii, having the, you know, yeah, you really got around, huh? Having the sake in Japan, you know, having the hot toddy in London. Why not? How was all that happening that happening well because i was like doing tours we were doing tours for troops oh with pig no no i was on separate stand-up tours and then while i was on a tour uh for troops across all of the south pacific uh i was offered a job in london

doing that show world stands up where they fly the comedians in from around the world. And how do these go for you? The tours? Yeah. I mean, you know, it's the ultimate service, you know, being of service, bringing comedy to people on islands and where, you know, they are starved for entertainment and morale. So in that sense, it's really wonderful. When do you start this isolating thing?

Like, was this a couple years ago where you start to have these symptoms of buried trauma? Yes. So, you know, I'm doing Tiger Lily. It's moved to the Gower Gulch. It's in that little corner of the Gower Gulch. No, I did it. I did it several it several times yeah you were there several times and it would be it got really popular it was like packed every week with these amazing comedians yep and i found myself just like i would drive to go there and i either wouldn't put myself on the lineup or I would just drive home.

I found myself starting to hide. I was like hiding. I kind of remember that. Like you'd be there at the beginning and it was sort of like, oh, that's her show. It's your show. And then you'd go. Yeah. And I just started to.

Retreat? Retreat. And I started. What was happening with my writing was I started a storytelling show before that show and I would start telling these stories and and then it was like that the stuff from the childhood that I had basically blocked out my whole life like I did don't even remember most of my childhood started to come out in these stories before before the same night as Tiger Lily I remember I remember yeah I think I did one of those did you yeah it was a great place to get new material right right in these stories. Before the same night as Tiger Lily. Same night as Tiger Lily. I remember, I remember, yeah.

I would do. I think I did one of those. Did you? Yeah. It was a great place to get new material. Right, right, right. And that's more my style

is more storytelling. Sure. And so I would get to generate a lot of material in the most no-press way in a way that you couldn't really do on Tiger Lily anymore because it was just such,

you know, so many people were there. So I started to do these stories that were like really honest and vulnerable. And I think people were scared for me, you know, because I was starting to tell the truth on stage. It was coming out. About your childhood. Yeah.

And I think it was just coming up. Were you crying on stage? I mean, I think at one. That's generally the point of concern when people are at a comedy show and the entertainer's crying. It's usually where they're like, is she okay? I think she's crying. I definitely did cry once. I definitely started crying.

On a storytelling show. So it's okay. You got a little bit of room to cry in a storytelling show. But it was like, what's going on? And I feel like it was just a need to... Get the work done. Get some work done. So you found a therapist.

Yeah. And I was like, had gotten, become a regular at the comedy store around that time. regular at the comedy store around that time and um i stopped drinking again and started going to therapy so that was eight years ago yeah so you drank for a while yeah you went through a lot of Yeah. Relationships. Weirdness. And you also did your codependent thing. Yeah. So now, eight years ago, you kind of locked back in, got sober. Yeah. You doing both?

Double wintering it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I definitely need the help with relationships and letting others do their thing. You do your thing. I'll do my thing. Without your help? Without your trying to control them and help them? Exactly.

I needed help to stop being a counselor because that's not my job. And I'm not even that great at it. My clients are dying. They're just gone. My clients are dying. They're just gone. They're not dying. Yeah. But this was sort of the beginning of the process of dealing with your past, dealing with the trauma, and putting together this special.

Yeah. When I went to EMDR, you know, they uncovered the memories. And there was, like, a memory from my um childhood that like basically my dad had these rages and it was really scary and none of us knew that this was like something he could get help for or anything like that but i tried to tape record it on a little tape remember those old school like the panasonic Panasonics. And I tried to tape record it. We got to hit both buttons. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, you know, really young, four or five.

And I tried to tape record this rage and like smuggle it out of the house to the next like big family gathering to... Were you just going to play it around? Just walk around with it? I was just going to see if anyone was interested in representing us with this tape. And so I... And then I made copies and I was selling it later at comedy shows. No, I'm kidding. So I'm locking it around my grandma.

I think I got one of those. It's called Dad's Mad. Exactly. It's a hit. So I tried to leave it at my grandma's just as a cry for help that someone would like save us. No one ever found it. Oh, wow. And so that was a memory in EMDR.

And then I later was like so scared someone would find it that I went to my grandma's being like, you know, that tape I left here, it was a joke. Right. Trying to cover up what was happening. I didn't want anyone to get in trouble. Right. My grandma's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. So that was the beginning of,

that was the portal into the trauma was that story. That's a story that we worked on and there was so much in there of like believing that your voice doesn't matter, that you aren't going to make any impact. So you might as well be quiet. No one's going to save you.

Like there's no help. Right. And so like processing all of that and then just like, you can see how that would play out in, you know, career stuff. It's like. In everything, sure.

You're not going, you don't matter. Right. No one's going to help. Right. So like really processing that and like that and several other similar things um was it has made a huge difference it's great and then also having friends like maria supportive people oh my god maria's the best margaret cho chose helping out to the best great know, I and just to be able to call people and say like how do you do this?

I don't know. Like what do you charge for this? Like How did you make this happen and maria's the best because she'll just be like, you know practical She's like do it in your living room. It doesn't fucking matter, you know, like She's like, do it in your living room. It doesn't fucking matter. And so a lot of this running the special, I would just say, I'm running my special tonight at 6 p.m. in my living room. And people would come and watch. And I would take notes.

What resonated with you? What were you enjoying? And so it was really like. That is specifically a Maria process. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of amazing how she does that. How you guys have made that it's actually a practical system that you were able to use. Why not do it like that? I mean, connecting is connecting. And if you're sort of completely reliant on,

I got to go to the theater, I got to rent this. I mean, she just solicits people on Twitter to sit with her for an hour. Marie doesn't care. She used to hire me just to listen to her new jokes, which was the best job. And I would just drive over to Eagle Rock and listen to her jokes. And she would do that from the road sometimes. And now, yeah, she just meets people on Twitter. And she really. She'll buy them lunch. Yeah, she'll buy them lunch.

What that does is it simplifies the process, you know, of like, you know, instead of spending all this time promoting an appearance, you're going to have to make all this money to pay back or whatever. How about just focus on the material? Right. So anyway, so that's a lot of how it came together. In addition to doing like a million spots everywhere. Well, that's very exciting.

Congratulations. Thank you so much. And what's this movie? Oh, so yeah, I'm doing, I'm doing, I did a movie called Love Weddings and Other Disasters. And that is starring Diane Keaton, Jeremy Irons. It's coming out December 4th. Big part? It's one of my first lead roles in a film.

Wow, with those big hitters? Were you doing scenes with both of them? No, they had their scenes. It's four different storylines, so I'm in a completely separate storyline. We filmed it in Boston for a month, and it was a wonderful

shoot. Boston's a great town, as I'm sure you know. It's a really great script. It was a really great script. It was a really fun part. And where's that going to be on? That'll be COVID pending. I don't know what the premiere will entail, but it

will be everywhere, released from Saban Entertainment on December 4th. Okay. I had to do a Russian accent. Really? Yeah. How did you do that? Did you buy a tape? You know, Dennis said don't do that. So it was

really kind of unlearning what I'd done in the audition because I was doing a very funny character like from Barry type Russian accent and so it was sort of unlearning that and making her a very real person who's like authentic.

I got to use my Meisner. Great. Did they have a dialect coach? No. Nothing. They did send me to a trainer. So I worked out with a personal trainer because there were a lot of stunts

and things that I had to do. What's this character? A lot going on in this movie. I am a Russian girl, Svetlana, who is trying to escape from her dark and sordid life involving the Russian mafia. And, you know, it's really funny, but, you know, she really needs to get out heavy

yeah okay and but funny it's heavy and funny yeah and what have you been doing during lockdown are you doing voice stuff no um i mean some voice stuff will come through are you alone over there with the cat i'm alone with stard, and I've been writing a lot. I've been writing a self-help book, and I'm writing a movie. What's the angle of the self-help book? It's really— You've decided you can help people now? Like you've taken up the mantle again?

You've got enough recovery? You're like, maybe I'm not so bad at helping people. Maybe I should revisit that counselor position. No, it's really just things that have helped me about self-love and empowerment. So it's on the level. It's not funny? It's going to be funny as shit, but still like really helpful. It's kind of like a, it's a self-help vibe though.

Okay. But I'm not pretending to be an expert in anything. I'm just sharing what's helped me. Right. And that's what the special is really doing too, is like, I'm really just trying to help free people from their abusive stories about themselves because they're just not true. Yeah. Yeah. of stories about themselves because they're just not true yeah yeah it's a it's a it's a bad uh it's it's it's we created bad self-parents when we were younger yeah you have bad parents but

when you're younger you don't this is what i learned that changed my life in the last five years maybe a year or so is that when you don't get what you need from your parents, you assume it's your fault. And you put in place a fairly probably negative self-parenting system because you think you're shitty, because you don't feel loved or you feel whatever they're doing, emotional abuse, physical abuse, you know, however, neglect, overbearing, whatever it is, if you don't feel good in your skin when you're a kid, it can't be their fault because they're amazing. They're your parents. So it must be you. Exactly. And that leads...

Bad narrative. Very bad. Well, destructive narrative. And it leads to so many things, right? When you're trying to prove your worth all the time. Or for me, it became workaholism. Like, if I just achieve more things,-love is just knowing you're enough. You have inherent value, not contingent on any exterior.

And that's what probably people with nurturing parents, that's probably the message they receive. Those fucking people. Those motherfuckers. They'll never be a comedian. Never. They're just going to accept their dumb boring lives not like us just tumbling through it notice me notice me yeah will you be my is this enough um and so it's just you know they say enlightenment is unlearning things so

enlightenment is really un un unlearningment unlearningment it's unlearning things. So enlightenment is really un-un-un-learn-ment. Un-un-learn-ment. It's unlearning all that. Is that a chapter in the book? Could be. Better write that down. That's the next special. A lot of specials.

You got a lot of specials to do. But, and yeah, and yeah, about Tig, we were just friends okay and then we started dating okay that's fun though right you guys seem to have a good time we had a great time and uh we're really selling it and uh And, you know, but when you're drinking, the best of times, the worst of times. I hear you, man.

But everybody's doing good. Oh, my gosh. Everyone's doing okay. I love her. I'm so grateful for our friendship. I did her little comedy festival a few years ago. Yeah, she's great. She's solid.

She's solid. Always was. And Dylan's great, too. Oh, good. Dylan's amazing. No, we're not. He's doing okay. But Dylan is. He's amazing, you know. Yeah. And he's doing okay um but dylan is um he's amazing you know yeah and he's doing great yes he's doing

great he has a wife good she looks exactly like me wow he just never let it go i'm kidding i'm kidding no she's beautiful and and they have a beautiful baby and and i paid him back the money i owed him and everything you know all this stuff but he doesn't like you you know all this stuff but you're not friends that's a little concerning you check it out i mean how how friendly can you be with people who are you're asking the wrong guy are married with children you know what do you mean like you're respectful you put my ex on your fucking specifically to cause trouble. What? Wow. Wow. You want to work it out?

Yes, please. Deal with the resentment? Yes. Yes, you have a resentment? No, not really. I would love to know about that. Did that hurt your feelings? You have to understand something.

That woman, I've not seen her since 2007. So I've not seen her since we got divorced. Wow. Right? Like nothing. Never ran into her. seen her since 2007 so i've not seen her since we got divorced i don't zero right like nothing never ran into her i would email her i tried to make an amends which she didn't really take okay um what do you mean she didn't take it well we were gonna meet and then she called me 20 minutes before and said i can't fucking do this you know if you want to do it on the phone let's do it i'm like i don't so then i wrote her something but like I can't account for like I can make an amends but if somebody brings me up to her or or she's still attached to me when on a google search or something

that's not me you know what I mean and I just tried to not talk about her anymore which I'm breaking my rule but because I still think it bothers me but I used to I used to email her on my sober birthday every year and thank her for getting me but i used to i used to email her on my sober birthday every year and thank her for getting me sober okay which she never responded to okay until like a couple years ago she just said uh if i want to hear from you i'll let you know and then i realized so she's like still aggressively alan onAnon'd. But it was a great. It was like a. Have you ever had amends?

Like, have you had more people not want an amends? Or is that the only one? You can do an amends, but it doesn't mean they have to accept it. You know. Right. And she's got. Look all all her reasoning is fine but you just you're curious you know after a certain point but like you know it's a weird thing but that moment was very important to me because i realized like oh i'm that fucking idiot everyone's got that person

that when you see them come up on your phone after a year, you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. What does that person want? Like, when you realize that, like, I'm that guy. Yeah. I'm that guy. She's got her whole other, like, she's really framed our thing as, like, not a mistake necessarily, but it's like, we don't have kids. There's not, you know, whatever the divorce, all that. But it has nothing to do with her life anymore. She's got

pretty babies. She's got a nice life, I guess. And I'm just like, this mistake or this process, this whatever. So that's that. I mean, I can accept all that. Really. But there is always curiosity.

I would love to run into her yeah but she would still hate me but that but whatever i would still just like to see her face yeah but that's all right i know it's been over a decade you friends with her i am friends with mishna i don't see her often um because you know she has her whole life. Yeah. And she's very busy. Wrote a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Wrote a, I think she's written a few now.

Yeah. I know people are in her new movie. The comic book one, or the one that's based on a video game or something. That's, yeah. Yeah. I think it's a horror, no, that's right.

You're right. And I, so, you know, but that's so great i just remember her always working so hard yeah uh as a you know writing and comedy and so it's so great to see her doing all that um but no i don't see her very i don't see hardly anyone very often no one's seen anybody anymore yeah but i but yeah what what was your uh beef with the podcast no nothing it was just like at that time because like there was still like you know it took me a long But I, but yeah, what, what was your beef with the podcast? No, nothing. It was just like at that time, because like there was still like, you know, it took me

a long time to sort of process all that. Yeah. So I just made it about me. I'm like, why the fuck are they? I know Jillian. Why is Jillian Melinda? Why they got to talk to Misha for? Because there was some suggestion of me.

Oh, really? During the conversation. This is so long ago. No, I know. It was just sort of like, well, you know who I'm talking about. That kind of thing. Oh, really? During the conversation. What was it? This is so long ago. No, I know. It was just sort of like, well, you know who I'm talking about. That kind of thing. Oh, okay. Like, I went out with a comic. It was just some veiled reference. But in my mind, I'm like, this is

about me. It's all about me. But it was nothing about me. No, no. And we would never want to, like, I'm friends with both of you, so I would never want to disparage. And I don't know enough about anyone's relationship. I mean, I guess everyone feels like that, right? Like, I feel like that when I break up with public figures, people are going to be taking sides. Yeah, yeah. Well, there wasn't like, she just left comedy, really, and just became a writer, which is, I think, what she wanted to do anyways do anyways but that's another thing i should do some emdr on that i think it would be helpful because you know and i don't know how did you guys try couples counseling well it was like a hail mary pass okay is it too late to revisit that i'm kidding um but i was in couples of counseling one time

and they said you know your um um when you guys are in a relationship it's it's their parents it's your parents are all in the relationship with you so you're just like acting out of your triggers or whatever and um and yeah we keep recreating that until it's healed right so yeah emdr would probably be i just like it's not active anymore and i really do have a lot of acceptance around it but it wouldn't be bad to eat to sort of like when i think about the like you know that moment of like i'm leaving that like when she walked out of that kitchen and that was it that's that's heavy you didn't see it coming no yeah and you have you have like i have a very rumination mind so i can like keep replaying

that trying to oh no i don't think about her hardly at all you know i just don't anymore and it's a gift i think that her writing that email was smart because it really put things into perspective and i don't you know and i there's no and i know there's no reason for us to have a relationship or to talk or any of it doesn't there's no reason but i do think in whatever fucked up way that i was capable of i was in love with that person you know it may not have manifested that way. It may have been driven by a lot of other things, but I was, right?

It might not have been healthy love, whatever the fuck it was. But I did, like, it was a profound event in my life. Yeah, because how long were you guys together? Like seven years, seven and a half years. Yeah, well, when I met both of you, you were always together.

Yeah. She just, like, but, like, it was one of those things where, like, my insanity just, like, by the time she left, she just hated me. So, like, there was no. Well, I heard you describe that before, that you were kind of, like, just making her. Hate me. Well, you were making her your everything right so you weren't oh yeah you know feel you that when when you make someone your everything it's a setup for disappointment right she got me sober and i grabbed on i mean what are the fucking odds of that yeah

but like i learned all this stuff after the fact. Yeah, of course. But there's moments where like I remember my emotionally abusive behavior and I'm ashamed and sad. Like I can see her looking at me in a way where I'm like when I feel that I'm like you, you're this awful person. Wow. That's really deep, Mark mark like what would help alleviate that i don't know what do you think what's your sponsor say i don't know we've we've sort of moved through all that you know like the the mission book is closed but that's an interesting question though for for those two specific events that moment where I realized that she did not love me anymore because of my behavior and the moment where she left me. Those are interesting points.

Yeah. I feel like they're behind me and I'm okay, but maybe I just stuffed them. I mean, sort of rhetorical, but what could give you peace? I have peace around. OK, so you have peace. So what is I think there's a shame thing. I think that there is still a, you know, whatever the amends process gives me or however I have made a living in amends. I think I'm ashamed of that man that I was.

Especially in that relationship. Yeah. So, like, what is, what's the antidote for shame? To act better. And well, to act better, of course. And let yourself off the hook a bit. Thank you. That you did the, you processed it, you made an amends, you know, everyone's alive, everyone's

moved on to their, in their lives and they're okay so you know at some point you just got to say like all right you know you you've you're better now and um and you know that was a bad time and you made some mistakes and you were sort of a shitty person but you're better what are you you going to do? Yeah. People change. People change. And forgiveness. Forgive myself. Forgiveness of yourself.

Yeah, I was a dick. You know, I mean, look, we all have been, you know. been you know um but you know it's like allowing yourself to rewrite the narrative moving forward boy i have been through three lifetimes since then being a different how can i be a different person now like that's all we have right and it's like that's all you can do how can we we're doing it have you heard the acronym for shame? What? Should have already mastered everything. That's a good one.

Where'd that one come from? One of the secret societies. I don't know. When I wrote Dylan... The amends? An amends via Facebook, not wanting to disturb him and his family, he was like, hey, don't you owe me some money? So that amends cost me an additional thousand dollars. And you know what?

That amends, costs me an additional $1,000. And you know what? I was happy to pay it because I was like, thank you for giving me something tangible that I can do to get right with you. One thing I don't owe her is fucking money. That I can tell you with full confidence. What do you think has helped you the most? Is it therapy? Or is it like other things like what helped with your rage

um that's a really big thing to turn around well just like i i you know i just knew i just had to identify where it was coming from you know which was like this fear and you know insecurity about receiving love or having control like i just somehow or another identified the source of it and what what it did and also you hurt people enough you know you're sort of a monster if you don't take responsibility for that and you know it took a while to temper it but like when i was younger when i was just getting sober certainly during that relationship with misha i was just i was just crazy because I was jealous and I was trying to control

and I couldn't believe that she would like me. So I was hating myself and projecting that. I mean, that has a lot to do with it. I think the more self-esteem I got from kind of pulling out of that relationship and finding some success in my life really makes a big difference. Yeah, that you were like, well, everything I worked for

maybe wasn't for nothing. And that like, I am good at what I do. And I feel okay about myself. So a lot of that filling in, some of that self-esteem just from esteemable acts and from working helped. Do you think that work started to come to you more when you had that internal switch or was it vice versa? I just think like, you know, by the time I started the podcast, I'd really let go of the idea that I would be a successful comedian that would act all that stuff. I was like that. I just I got to be grown up about this and know that it's not going to happen for me and accept that. And, you know, whatever heartache comes from that. And I've got to figure out where I go from here because I'm not prepared to do a job in any way. And so that's what, and then started talking on the mic, you know, and I always did stand up, but I had to lower my expectations a great deal and believe it,

really let it go that nothing was owed me. And that, you know, if it doesn't happen, that's just life. You know, no one counts on that in show business. No one enters show business thinking they're not going to make it. We all think we're going to do something. You know, but the percentage of times that that works out is small, relatively speaking. I mean, you can find your way. You can find your groove. You know, you can find your way you can find your groove you know you can survive sometimes

so but i knew i i couldn't like i knew that there was no way i could go on doing like stand up if i was just going to be like a b room headliner for the rest of my life like it was like there was a lot of dark visions going on yeah but i But I just focused on doing the podcast. I started one on my couch during COVID. What's it called? It's called Let's Process This. And that's available? Yeah, it's available.

I do it on IG Live. Oh, you don't put it up on iTunes as a podcast? It's on iTunes and everywhere. But I couldn't really meet with people during COVID. Oh, you don't put it up on iTunes as a podcast? Oh, okay. It's on iTunes and everywhere. But I couldn't really meet with people during COVID, so I just started doing it from my couch. Nice. Yeah. And then you have guests on IG Live?

Yeah. Okay. And you were able to record them? Yeah. I mean, I'm not guaranteeing a great sound or anything. Okay. Got it. sound or anything okay got it but yeah it's it's we're really talking about like how people are processing their trauma okay how they're healing from it and how that affects their creative process or how they're turning that into creative treasure oh so it'll be like people who created a

tv show i've had a few like showrunners and comedians and, you know, just people who've turned whatever they've overcome around. Oh, good. Yeah. And talk about creative process, which I'm like so fascinated with creative process and healing process. Nice. Yeah. Sounds like you're going to open a school of some kind. What kind of school?

A therapeutic processing space. I wouldn't be able to start a school. That's too much admin for me. I can barely do a podcast from my couch. Okay. All right. Nice talking to you. You too, Mark.

We're going to cut about an hour and a half of this. You can release that hour and a half as its own special. Okay. Thanks. Thanks for coming over. We covered it all. Again, she wanted you to know that she and her parents are good. They're good.

She's good with her parents. Okay. Her special Melinda Hill inappropriate is available now on Amazon prime, Apple TV, YouTube, and most other video on demand platforms. And now I will just play a simple blues for you. A simple blues for you. Thank you. Boomer lives. Monkey, La Fonda, they all fucking live. they all fucking live it's a night for the whole family be a part of kids night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special

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