WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 1266 - Rosebud Baker

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Rosebud Baker knows all about the fine line between sadness and funny. She's learned how to get laughs out of the tragedy that befell her family, her alcohol addiction, her co-dependent and abusive relationships, and her grandfather, who happened to be one of the most powerful people in the world. Marc and Rosebud also talk about how she found stability in her life and how she's going about rebuilding her standup act after turning out her first special. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

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fuck nicks what's happening i'm mark maron this is my podcast wtf i just drank a soda just giving you a heads up. I don't know what's going to come out of me. You know that feeling where you're like, that was refreshing. I just drank that soda really fast. Then all of a sudden, the entire air content of the soda comes out mid-sentence. But I'll cut it out. That was a quiet one. I think we can live with that.

I don't know, folks. I do know that Rosebud Baker is on the show. She's a comic. She opened for me a couple years ago in Toronto. I remembered her because she's got a special out, and the name came up. I'm like, how do I know her? Well, she just released a special out and the name came up. I'm like, how do I know her? Well, she just released a special. It's on Comedy Central.

And she's in this new upcoming Hulu series with Amy Schumer. And she's a recovery person. She's got the recovery tale. But she's also the granddaughter of James Baker III. Satan. granddaughter of james baker the third satan i can't tell you during the first bush presidency first president the dad how obsessed i was with james baker the third chief of staff george hw bush he was the chief of staff for reagan he had cabinet positions under Ford and Reagan, Bush, all of them. He also ran the 2000 presidential recount for the Republicans.

We all know how that went. But I was obsessed with this guy and the Carlyle Group and, you know, the big global conspiracy. That was before conspiracies were hot and righty. They were kind of off the grid and lefty. But James Baker held a prominent position as one of the major Satans. And I think arguably he was still alive. So I imagine I say something to her about that. About being the granddaughter of Satan.

Now, what if her family's listening to this? Her dad or maybe James. I'm sorry, man. You managed the world. You didn't do a great job. Scary. Powerful person. Please don't have me killed.

Please, all right? I'm just, it's back in the day, right? It's back in the day. So my birthday was good. I had a nice day. A lot of people called to wish me a happy birthday. I got, did I get presents? I got a couple of presents.

I don't need to talk about it. My present to myself came, my Stratocaster, which is great. I played at the end of this show. I got to get my, wrap my, I got big, meaty fingers. My dumb, meaty fingers on that little neck. Tricky, but it's doable.

I'm getting the hang of it. 58 years old. I keep thinking about that. 58. Both my parents are still alive and I'm 58 they had me when they were children I'm almost 60 I gotta get through the 50s

I got a superstition about it I gotta get through my 50s so listen Rosebud Baker her Comedy Central stand up special Whiskey Fists can be seen in full on Comedy Central's YouTube channel. She also hosts two podcasts, Devil's Advocate and Find Your Beach, which you can get wherever you get podcasts. And I remember when I met her, the night she was opening for me, I thought she was pretty tough.

Like I decided like she's hard somehow. She's tough. Something, you know. And then I talked to her. I don't know if that's true. She's got a dark sensibility, which, you know, I appreciate. And I think I mentioned enough that she's the granddaughter of Satan, James Baker III.

Yeah. Yeah, imagine that. But I enjoy talking to her. This is me talking to Rosebud Baker. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. Baker. We deliver that too, along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

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Oh, really? Yeah. So you were close to D.C.? Mm-hmm. But I have to get out ahead of this, that your grandfather, James Baker, the third? He's the third, yeah. When I was more conspiratorially minded. We all were.

We all had a phase. Yeah, it was when Bush Sr. was in office. I was sure that your grandfather was the Antichrist. Yeah. Yeah. There's been times when I've still been sure that my grandfather's the Antichrist. And that he passed it on to me. Oh, really? There's like a... But you're like a more progressive Antichrist and that he passed it on to me. Oh, really?

There's like a. But you're like a more progressive Antichrist. Yeah, I guess so. I don't even know what I am now. No. I don't know. I feel. I just like he was like when he's a monumental kind of like by the time he was with George Bush senior, like he ran the world.

Yeah. And he was with Nixon or no, he was with Ford and Reagan. Reagan. Just Reagan and Bush. Oh, really? He didn't. He wasn't. world yeah and he was with nixon and or no he was with ford and reagan reagan just reagan and uh and bush i don't really he didn't he wasn't uh he might have been he might have been involved with ford but as far as i know he never touched the white house until reagan oh really that's what i thought well i can check but it's what i believe you but you should check all right i feel don't believe me like you should check feel like do feel like he was like Lieutenant something with Ford, like Commerce.

By the way, this is a very common occurrence where somebody will bring up my grandfather and then prove to me that they know him better than I do. I don't know him. I just remember thinking he was- This is very common. But now, wait, when you were growing up, so he was just grandpa or what? Yeah, he was just my grandpa. I mean, I knew that he was very important.

Yeah. I knew that. Yeah. Like, I got that sense just from the way that my uncles acted around him. Yeah. So how was he your grandfather? Let's see. He's my dad's dad.

He's your dad's dad. Yeah. Okay. United States Undersecretary of Commerce in the Ford administration. Oh, shit. Okay. Uh-huh.

Yep. So your dad's dad is that guy. Yeah, my dad is James Baker IV. What's your dad do? My dad's a lawyer, like a corporate lawyer.

He's retired now. He just retired. And you have like a million sisters? I do. I have four sisters, three that are surviving i have one sister that passed away right like young yeah seven seven yeah oh so you didn't know her i didn't

i didn't know her no i mean when you break it down i never i never really knew her you didn't know whether she liked kittens or anything yeah i mean I mean, she was- How old were you? I was 17. When it happened? Yeah. Oh, that's terrible. So you knew. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so, that's the most appropriate response I've ever gotten. What? Because it's not hard to die. It's so much harder to watch someone die than it is to actually die. Yeah. Most people go, oh, she died? I'm so sorry. Yeah.

And I'm like like she's fine right no i you know what i mean sure yeah yeah yeah i i've experienced that that recently that death kind of it it definitely fucks your head up yeah you know when you see it happen yeah but so you were but i didn't know by watching the special that you were already like a teenager. So you knew the baby. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was like there. I mean, it happened at a graduation party for my high school graduation.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. People are like, how did you become a comic? I'm like, I just and then I just have to tell them like the background. So the party's going on and it's like, oh, my God. Yeah. Like, but them like the background. So the party's going on and it's like, oh my God. Yeah. Like, but here's the thing.

I had left to go to a different party because I thought it was a better party. And frankly it was because nobody died. But like, but like I was there and all of a sudden I heard on the phone that like my sister, something had happened to my sister. And then all of a sudden my other sisters were getting dropped off with me. And then I was like, oh, something really bad happened. Yeah. It's like that gut feeling. Yeah.

You know, when something is very wrong, you know. It's just. So how what is the age difference? What's the spread on the sisters? So I'm the oldest. Yeah, okay. Then my younger sister is, I guess she's two years younger than me. Right.

Not quite, but almost two years younger. Yeah. Then six years younger, and then 10 years younger. Right. So she was a twin. Oh my gosh. My sister who passed away, she had a twin. Identical? Fraternal. Uh-huh. Oh, my God. My sister who passed away, she had a twin. Identical?

Fraternal. Uh-huh. That must have been. So that must have destroyed the family. Yeah. I mean, it happened in tandem with my parents getting separated and then divorced. Because of that? No, they were separated first.

Yeah. And then she died. Yeah. And then my dad and my mom just, i think my dad brought his new girlfriend to the funeral yeah is what happened yeah or she was there and we didn't know about her yeah but then i found out that she was at the funeral yeah so that was how i found out that my dad was now seeing someone new oh my god and it was like this whole i was just like get me the fuck out of here like so did you grow up in a normal way where i mean were these good people i mean i don't i

wouldn't i wouldn't say normal i would say typical you know typical what like typical i don't really think that anybody grows up in a normal way well i mean i granted and and also your grandfather at the time did you go to the white house and shit oh yeah so that part was not typical but like i mean going to like hunt easter eggs at the white house was not typical but in my child mind i was just going to like where my granddad worked i didn't know right i wasn't like impressed with any of it or yeah i didn't see it as like this is status was something that i never fully grasped but did you like hang out with the bush grandkids and yeah so you knew like all of them yeah and when

they would come over they would come over with like uh security to your house to my house and so they would have like this the secret service outside of my house right if if hw or the kids one of kids came, I don't know what the age difference is, but they're all older. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that was part of your life. Yeah. Dealing with the New World Order.

Yeah. It was just part of my life. And it was so normal in the way that it was all that I had. It was all that I knew. Right. But you didn't go to public school. I did. You did. normal in the way that it was all that i had it was all that i knew right but yeah i mean but you didn't go to public school i did you did i'm actually the only one i'm the only one who went to public school why did you were you just a disaster i don't know i mean to be honest in school i was in school i was a disaster but i wasn't like't like, you know, I wasn't a good student.

I never liked school. And I don't know why I was the one that went to public school because I probably could have used a private school education. Like I could have really used the attention. But I just didn't. didn't and i just they basically found a program for me where i got to go practice acting for half the day and then go to school regular school for the other half yeah so i just did that i just went to i went to school uh for creative stuff and then i went to normal school yeah and uh and that was like my day what was the creative stuff it was just acting i would just go so there was a separate school yeah it was this weird it was this arts program that fairfax county was doing and for students that were really particularly interested in the arts we would go

and and practice whatever uh craft we wanted to and you were hacked for half the day yeah and then we would go well that's nice yeah it was great i mean i i truly to this day still lack any formal education like knowledge because none of it i none of it got in like it just didn't hit any place in my brain that where it was like okay it'll stick government history yeah all of it yeah math math Math, I'm absolutely disabled when it comes to that. I can divide and add and subtract and multiply, but when it comes down to fractions or decimals. No, see, that's the fancy stuff. Letters. You're saying the hard stuff is hard for you.

I'm talking about when I get a check and i have to figure out the tip i have to show it to someone else and i have to like count on my fingers three times to figure out what but there's a trick with the tip terms of i know i can't remember it i can't it's been talked to me a million times i can't it doesn't go in like when i read numbers anything having to do with numbers like taxes i mean i'm doomed to if i ever make enough money to like buy a house i'm gonna go broke yeah because it's i don't get it like well you gotta you gotta hire somebody yeah do the yeah the numbers for you i know but the trust issues is the problem well yeah but eventually you're gonna have to trust somebody

i know yeah i know but so you were acting in high school, but like, are you a disaster? Cause I mean, I watched a special, it seems to me at some point you became a disaster. Yeah. Yeah.

I was really, uh, not good. I don't, I don't mean to be rude. No, I didn't stick out. I didn't like,

I wasn't able to blend into other people's like agenda in, in a way that you have to in order to survive in public school like give me an example you're a complete outlier wait now first of all tell me i met you because you opened for me in toronto yeah but was that how did that happen was it part of the festival that was like uh yeah why were we both there i think it was the festival it was like, yeah. Why were we both there? I think it was the festival. It was like that Toronto just for laughs. Right. Right. Yeah, JFL 42.

That's what it's called. But not Montreal. And you were around. And you came in through there. And I was like, where the fuck was this? I didn't know you. I remember thinking you were great. And I was like, where did you come from?

How'd that happen? But back to not fitting in. Yeah. So there wasn't really a group for me, you know? So you had no friends? No. I mean, I had friends, but they were all just like, we were potheads. Sure.

And our whole thing was like, we don't care about everybody else. We're cooler than them because we don't care. Yeah. Just sort of that like apathy thing. Yeah. And I tried tried when i first got into high school i was part of the cheerleading squad really yeah because you're a fallen cheerleader yeah i was benched i was benched from the cheerleading for what i made a joke that was

like not good and somebody i i don't even remember what the joke was but it was it was it no i really don't i really don't remember the joke what how was it in what area was it not good it was how was it insensitive in the in the uh in the jewish area i was like this the anti-semitic it was the anti-semitic area right okay and i made this joke at one of the captains of the cheerleading squad who was jewish who was jew Jewish all right and uh essentially I was benched for like a couple of games which obviously didn't make any difference because did that make you uh hate the Jews more or did you did you or did you learn your lesson about being anti-semitic no I learned my lesson they're very powerful people we own the world we run it yeah yeah i was like they can just take it away your dad was your grandfather was working for the big jews

yeah he was like don't fuck with the jews the zionist uh occupied government yep and i remember getting getting benched and being like you know what i don't want to do this anymore like realizing that and that i never wanted to do it in the first place. It was one of those things where my whole life, when I don't want to do something, I'll find a way to fuck it up so I don't have to. I'm sort of the same way. It's not a good thing.

I know. I mean, I think it is. Well, it's self-protective, but there's easier ways to do it. You could do it with making less of a mess by just going, hey, I don't want to do this. Right. As opposed to be in the middle of it and go, I'm going to burn this down. Right. And it's also like having to take a moment before I say yes to something to go, do I really want to do this?

Oh, yeah. Or is this something I feel for no reason like I have to do? Well, it's not for no reason because like I mean I was the same way as you and when I was in high school and that I you know I knew everybody and I could move through groups but the reason you you do it is because you want to be part of things right like it's impulsive to be like you know oh somebody wants me yeah okay I'll do it right and then you like the fuck this is terrible yeah yeah's, I've done that with relationships over and over again. Yeah.

For me, it's like a, it's like a, a feeling of obligation that the world might fall apart if I don't say yes to this. You know what I mean? Your world. It's yeah. It's no,

there's, it's like, I think I'm God on some level where I'm like, oh, if I don't appease this person, everything in there, like it could just ruin their day. Yeah, and it's so self-centered, and it's such bullshit,

and I'm trying to get better at it. But, like, you know, I recently got married, and that's been, that's another thing where it's like, I'm not a good wife in that I like, I love my husband but i don't love the obligation like i don't think oblig like obligation has nothing to do with love but it has everything to do with marriage you don't like the whole wife part you love your husband but the wife part it's listen when we're arguing and he brings up he's i know he's losing the argument when he goes you're my wife and i'm like if you were winning this argument you wouldn't you would not bring our marriage.

You wouldn't claim ownership. Yeah. You wouldn't do this. This bullshit. Yeah. Where I'm like, I know that I like I married you because I love you. And but I'm still my own person. And you're your own person.

And if we're going to have an argument, at least come to me trying to make me see your side without going but i own you yeah like it's like so it's a it's a challenge for me it is like what is that though it's not really narcissism and it's not it's selfish but it's more of uh the fuck is it you you preemptively feel guilty it's a god complex i think at its core i think it is yeah because you think you have that much impact but for me when if i think at its core i think it is yeah because you think you have that much impact but for me when if i think about why i do that it's just like i automatically assume that they're going to be compromised in some way not that i you know i am i play that big a part role in their life but the rejection it's a projection right of what the rejection

will feel like if i felt it okay so that's that's, I feel like, isn't that abandonment? Isn't that an abandonment issue? Yeah, it's some sort of boundary codependency kind of thing. Because like behaviors, you can have two people doing the same behavior. You don't want to disappoint people. Right. But that's, it's like, so? It's like, why do you think that you have that much power over someone's?

I think it's a projection. Yeah, it must be abandonment on your side i i don't care if they abandon me if they abandon me i feel better you must have feelings about you know some sort of hurt feelings about something it's more of like a uh it's like if i don't say yes to what this person needs yeah they're gonna fall apart so it's and then i'm gonna feel guilty later right because i ruined their life it's all at its core it's all being raised by children yeah who didn't know how to no yeah i've had that same experience your parents were children yeah yeah i mean they

were children yeah i i say about my parents i say that they don't really function as parents they're just these people i grew up with yeah i think that way about family in general i just general some people have good parents sure i mean they say they do but i never believe them but but always just like you are fucked no i know no but i i believe that some people have at least grounded people well you know what i mean that there are parents that were selfless enough and grown up enough to understand the obligation of parenting right you know i yeah and and that enables people to have some better sense of self than i do yeah you know but i feel like if anyone fully understood the obligation of parenting fully they would never have kids well Well, yeah, but that's like neither.

That's another argument. You're right. We're getting into the weeds. No, no, no. I'm just saying that like I don't have them and I don't feel bad about not having them. Yeah. And I don't think about it. It's not I'm principal.

I'm not like, you know, like my parents did this or that, so I'm never going to have kids. I'm just selfish and panicky and full of dread. And I'm like, I don't, you know, and I'm fine with that on my own but I don't need to and people ask me like don't you ever get lonely I'm like I do but I never think like a kid would you know I think that's the opposite of selfish Mark I think that's like I'm helping the world yeah I think you acknowledging all of that and going I'm not gonna do that to someone yeah is the most selfless thing and i feel like kids are people that don't have kids they get called selfish all the time but every person i know with kids it's like the world revolves around their life like it's i don't and also it's like

they're not it's i don't know man you know like i'm i don't begrudge anybody kids and i don't have anything against kids. Yeah. But, you know, it is a choice. Yeah. And for some reason, a lot of people just think, like, automatically, we're going to have them. Right. It's like, you don't have to have them. It's just part of the life script.

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't, and I understand it's part of the animal script, but we're not dogs. Right. We're not running, just sniffing and fucking. Right. You know, so. Most of us.

Yeah. Some nights are different. Yeah, you know. Sometimes it's a Friday. You got to do what you got to do. So you're growing up in that, but did you enjoy the acting? I loved it. Yeah, I loved it.

Did you do it seriously for a while? I did. Since I was a kid, I used to perform. I would put these big plays up all over the neighborhood and like big productions yeah i'm talking like casts of like 15 kids oh yeah full stage production i'd have like a sibling that i didn't like selling tickets yeah and um and i just like would make shows and i loved doing that that was like something that I knew I was good at where I stood out in a way that impressed people. And that was really what I grew up around

is like, what can you do to impress us? Oh, really? It was a very achievement-based place. And that comes down through your dad? I think it comes down through my dad, but it's also Northern Virginia is like the highest concentration of wealth in the country. Well, I mean, what's your what's your mom do?

She was an artist. She was a painter. Oh, yeah. Good. Abstract. Realistic. Realistic. Yeah.

Oil painter. She does landscapes. Still. Now she's like killing it. She's an incredible painter. Oh, yeah. And she she lives in Maine. She and my dad are divorced.

She's an incredible painter. Oh, yeah? And she lives in Maine. She and my dad are divorced. She bought a house in Maine in Thomaston on the St. George. Yeah. And just paints and is like- Happy? So good.

I mean, it's so great to see her doing it because she just did a children's book. Oh, wow. Like she's illustrating now. But she stopped painting for my whole childhood. Like she stopped- She was a painter when she met your dad? Yeah. She had her own business.

She was painting. She lived in New York. Oh, yeah. And she would do these big murals in businesses around New York City. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I think she tried to keep it up through about half of her pregnancy with me and then stopped for a little while and then went back to it but then eventually like i remember when the twins were born all of a sudden her paintings

were all in the attic and it was like the saddest thing yeah to see as a kid who was creative yeah because i just thought like oh i guess that's not something that you guess that's not something that you do. That's not something that you can do. Right, right, right. Or get to do. It's not practical. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

And your old man was just what? He was like. He was just, he's like an emotional Fort Knox. Oh, really? Yeah. Shut down. Real shut down, yeah. Huh.

Very. Real shut down. Yeah. Very. And I I recently started reading more about my granddad to try to understand my dad. Do you talk? Can you call your granddad? Yeah, but he wouldn't give me the answers. You know what I mean? I have to read a book to like get the answers. Is he Texan? Yes. OK. Yeah. He and my dad and my mom are all from Texas. OK. And I read Peter Baker's book, The Man Who Ran Washington. I started reading that book. About your grandfather. Yeah. Yeah.

To try to get to know my grandfather. How'd that go? Honestly, it was really, it opened up a lot. Oh, yeah? I was like, oh, okay, I get it. I started to see letters that my grandfather's father would send him captain baker right so he would send him these letters at the hill school yeah which is where my grandfather went to school and where my two sisters went to school after me yeah but these

letters were so i mean they looked like the, the emails that my dad would send to me. You know, they were like, you've been a very satisfactory son. And obviously, I got an improved version of what that was. But it was, I would get emails that said like, it would be all business. And then it would be like, love you. And then right underneath that, there would be a confidentiality notice. And it always made me laugh. It was like, I love you.

Don't tell anybody. Well, so it was all very, a little detached. A little detached. But encouraging. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say encouraging. Um, I wouldn't say that I wouldn't say encouraging. It was always like, I would say something I wanted to do. And they would go, what about this instead? So right. So it was always like, you weren't good enough. I don't think that they were ever intentionally sending me that message.

And I think that if they knew how the message was being received, they probably I might be giving them too much credit here, but they probably would have changed the way they talked to me. But I. I like to think of it that way so that I'm not living in resentment throughout my adult life. Well, did your dad get along with his dad? I think he had the similar relationship. You know, I think he had a relationship with his dad that was like, I'm going to try to impress you because that's the way that I can get attention from you. Right. You know?

Yeah. can get attention from you right you know yeah i mean it is it's so funny because my dad when i was working trying to be an actress he would send me like news articles during times when i was not speaking to him he would send me these news articles yeah that were just like it was like tina fey or um look at the people that are doing things yeah and he would go he would go you know you're funny you should really be a comic. Oh, really? Yeah. And that was the most insulting thing you could have said to me at the time.

Wait. So this is after, did you go to college? Yeah. Oh, so at some point you learned something, no? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I learned like-

Just not math. Yeah, just not math. I mean, once I was sent to Emerson, I learned... Oh, you went to Emerson? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I... So that's like the college version of the acting program that you were... Right.

Yeah, right. Exactly. It wasn't... Right. Especially then, too, because Emerson now, I think, is a better college than... Like, I'll say Emerson, and people go, oh, Emerson, and they know it. Well, back then, it was just that one building down on Beacon Street. on beacon street and then they i think there's another one down off the common so i get bigger operation now and there's might be even one here right so that started to happen while i was there

when i was there it was just that one place yeah down just the beacon street yeah right it was the and then there was the little building yeah which was on the other side of the green right but not far yeah just right across the commons and there was like a guy there was the little building. Yeah. Which was on the other side of the green. Right, but not far. Yeah, just right across the commons. And there was like a guy- I don't know if there was that building then. The way I remember it, it doesn't matter. Because I knew people that went there, like Dave Cross and people, but I'm 57. Yeah.

And it definitely was not, the one at the commons was not there yet. Yeah. Yeah. It really blew up while, I saw it blow up right after i left but it was starting the process what'd you study there who was teaching were there old comics teaching no there was no i mean there was no comedy program it was all just like this the students kind of doing comedy together oh because like there were definitely stand-ups who taught there at times back in the day oh really yeah what was the curriculum

like you were just doing acting i was just doing acting i was in the bfa program i did acting and i was a dancer so i did dance you do dance yeah do you imagine how big you could be on tiktok i know do you ever look at that lady who does the dancing i i mean what do you mean all the ladies like the the for some reason And the dads and the kids. No, I've locked into one lady on TikTok who seems to be one of the original TikTok dancers. Really? Kelodactyl. Okay.

The blonde lady. Catchy. No, I don't know what she does. I'm not even on TikTok. Am I allowed to vape in here if it's nicotine? Okay. I don't care. No, I'm not even on TikTok.

Am I allowed to vape in here if it's nicotine? Okay. I don't care. I don't know why, but I'll watch her little dances on Instagram and I'll be like, that was fun. You know, I think about that. I think about how- She's a blonde lady. If I had just, I have no idea who she is.

There's no way. I'll show you. And I don't use TikTok because- I don't either. I don't know what it is. It's for- It's for children, right? 12 year olds.

Yeah, something. I was talking to, do you know Sypha Sounds sounds cypher sounds yeah what's that he's he's a he's a dj and a comic yeah that he's he's at the cellar in new york a lot and he was i was ran into him on the steps of the vu and he goes i'm uh i go what's the matter he He goes, I'm in TikTok jail. And I was like, you're 40. Like, what the fuck is going on? How is this happening? Anyway. How was it happening? I don't know.

I mean, he's like, this is the problem with like my generation specifically. It's like we don't, we cannot accept that we're like getting older. I think your generation a little bit too. You don't have to answer me. No, I can answer. It's 36. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, for a while I was like, I'm not going to say how old I am. Yeah. And then I just thought, fuck that. I can't deal with it anymore. Like I can't deal with, I've lied to so many people about my age. Yeah. And it's like, I'm just done. Yeah.

Well, I mean, well, that's, I don't know what generation that is. What are you considered? Millennial. You're a millennial. Older millenn done. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know what generation that is. What are you considered? Millennial. You're a millennial. Older millennial, yeah. 36. 36. Yeah.

So how much acting and dancing did you do professionally? I mean, basically none. I tried, you know. I mean, I came to New York and I wanted to be an actor and I studied at William Esper Studio and I just- How'd that go? It was good. I think it was the reason I started there right when I- He was one of the big guys.

Yeah. And he recently passed away. Yeah. RIP. He is fantastic. He was a great teacher. And we used to butt heads a lot but i liked that about him over what well he would he would be really supportive of people that i thought were shitty

and i and so i would i was an asshole and you know i was i was like very newly sober and i remember just being like why does why are you saying that that was good i remember asking like what is it about that that was good? Into the class. Well, he was like. With the person sitting right there. Yeah. He was like, do you, does anybody have anything to say?

And I remember being like, yeah, I don't. Why are you saying that that's done? Like. Oh, right. Because he gave a couple notes. And he was like, does anybody else want to say anything? And I was like, yeah, well, I don't understand why you said that's. Yeah.

Like, do you just think he's not salvageable? Like, I remember. Oh like i remember right right you can't help that guy anymore yeah it's a pity thing yeah i was like because you were really fucking mean to me yeah when i did when i went up and yeah you know you made me sing that's humiliating like to get into a role yeah and you're just letting this guy do. Off the hook. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember him just like standing up and being like, you shut your fucking mouth.

Really? Yes. Wow. Yeah. And he was right. Yeah. That was not, I should not have said that.

And you stayed in the class? I did stay in the class, yeah. I was in one of those type of classes where you have the sort of cult figure teacher and everyone just sitting around watching everyone else work yeah it's just it's brutal and you know and it's tedious and at some point like it's interesting that like at some point you're like i've had enough of this guy yeah talking right yeah i think i just got i think i just got fed up because i was like

i i did have that level of respect for him yeah but. But I also, I've always, I haven't ever been really much of a joiner. Yeah. And when I see a lot of people jump on board with something, I just don't, I don't like, I want to challenge that person's expectations that everyone is going to fall on the same party line. Yeah, no, I get it. I understand if so many people like it how could it be good exactly and what about me right yeah how am i gonna stand out yeah how come this isn't about me right what did that person do wait how old were you when you got sober i was 23 oh so time

you were in new york like what two years? Mm-hmm. And you hit the wall? Yeah. How bad? It was bad. It was like blacking out. I used to black out and like run at the edge of my roof trying to kill myself and then would come out of the blackout. How do you know that that's what you did?

Because I would come out of this. This happened one time. Okay. This wasn't like an every night occasion. But I came out of this blackout and I thought someone was pushing me off the roof. And then I realized that I pushed back. You were fighting yourself. Yeah.

I was like, oh, I was a liar, liar. You know that scene where he's like, I'm kicking my own ass. Right. liar liar you know that scene where he's like i'm kicking my own ass right but i turned around and my ex was like across the roof like in tears because he thought that i was like he was just screaming you know like terrified and i remember turning around and seeing him do that and i it never settled in my mind oh you were trying to kill yourself i just went to why the fuck are you crying like i i went into like that place where i was like i was drinking you fucking loser like and i was like a really uh violent drunk um and obviously i'm five three so i wasn't yeah

i wasn't exactly a formidable how long had the drinking been an issue? Like when, if you look back at your inventory, when did you start? Yeah. I mean, right after my sister died was when it started to like escalate. At 17. Yeah. at 17 yeah it was like she she passed away and then i um once i i mean i it's tricky because there's alcoholism in my family so right when i started i was trying to control it right i was like trying i grew up with alcoholism yeah yeah. Who? My mom. Oh. And she's sober. She's sober.

Long time? Long time. Oh. And never relapsed. Always been like consistently sober. But sober when you were a kid? Yeah. Oh, so you didn't know her as a drinker? No, I did.

But I was in eighth grade. She got into a DUI accident driving me to school or to ballet class. Did anyone get hurt hurt she hurt her ankle but like nobody got really hurt but she was drunk she was drunk okay and uh she was falling asleep at the wheel and i remember very vividly asking her if she i remember thinking it was because she had too many kids are you tired of having kids i literally was like do you need me to drive like i asked her if she needed me to drive because i just thought god i'd never seen anybody blackout drunk yeah and i was

like oh she is really pushing it yeah and uh she's gotta stop with all these kids yeah they're exhausting her yeah i was like the wheel i mean this is crazy. She can't even take me to ballet. And so she got in that accident and got hauled off in a cop car that night and went to jail and got sober right after that. What happened to you? Did they call your dad? No, I went home in a cop car in my leotard. Fucking humiliating. Never got to class, huh? Yeah. fucking humiliating never got to never got to class huh yeah just in my fucking ballet slippers

and my leotard and my dumb that's where it happened that was the moment yeah climbing out of the squad car in your leotard that's where it all went bad for you i was like god damn i just wanted to spin yeah you know i i? I think that ultimately, though, it got really bad when I went to college after my sister died. But what was the process of, like, was there, how did the family grieve this situation? Did anyone step in? Did you see counselors? Did you do anything? I mean, it's so fucking, it's so awful.

It's so profoundly awful. I mean, how'd the twin turn out? She finished high school in rehab. Oh, really? But she also was, she struggled as a kid, you know? Yeah. And even before her sister passed away, like she was a lot like me in that she didn't she didn't fit in and so people thought something people kind of deemed her a problem yeah and uh i'm so close with her she's like my

favorite person um in my family she's the funniest person hands down without ever trying to be your little sister yeah she'll like come up to me and um she'll throw a leg up on the i remember one time she threw a leg up on the kitchen table while i'm eating and she asked me if a mole was problematic but she no underwear just full twat yeah and i'm like in my cereal in my cereal just like what the fuck is wrong with you and to this day she like has no boundaries like that and she doesn't she like has no boundaries like that and she doesn't she's not trying to freak you out she's not trying to she just doesn't think about that shit she's earnestly asking you and like i'm like put some fucking underwear on i'm like you're like

a person who was raised in the woods yeah yeah and then i think about it and i'm like oh she kind of was yeah because she was sent to the woods she was sent to so many like woodland programs to like get her shit together. And I'm like, she is a wolf woman, you know? How'd she end up? Is she all right? She's great. Where is she? I mean, what's she do?

She's a musician and a photographer. She's very talented. Oh, that's great. She lives in Chicago. All right. Her name's Jackie Baker. Yeah. And yeah yeah she's like she's just my favorite person she's like so earnest you know and she struggles but she's

always like um and when she does i we have a little bit of a complicated relationship because she's you know i don't want to get too into her personal life but like but she knows that I'm like always in her corner you know what I mean like I will always like yeah well that's good yeah and uh but but what was the the grieving situation I mean like if you turn to the drink hard I mean like because grief is like tricky man and I have to assume from the sound of your family that it got shut down pretty quickly exactly yeah I was like you can't put grief in the middle of a country club you know it doesn't belong there yeah so you uh you learn to shut it down to kind of like deal with it um in whatever way you know how for me it was like running i just ran from it i would like literally running you like chasing

like excitement and fun and joy okay and just good times right right so that i wouldn't have to think about that the aggressive good times yeah yeah just like let's fucking party yeah you know i remember and it was psychotic the way that i did i would like strap on some fucking like roller skates and like get on the subway and bar hop from like just. Oh, so you made a spectacle of yourself as well. Yeah. No, I loved it. I wanted to threaten my own life.

And more broadly, I was just saying, I don't care. Let it all like burn it all down, you know, because I don't. Did you it all, like, burn it all down, you know, because I don't. Did you ever, like, well, obviously, no. I mean, but did you ever, like, through therapy or other ways, you know, were you able to experience the grief? Like, did you ever do any trauma stuff? Yeah, eventually I did.

But that was, was like six years after i got clean no right yeah i mean i have therapists that still think i have four sisters like i just lie yeah i would just lie i would just go in and lie and just be like i'm not i would i was always going to therapy for someone else because people were begging me to like go to therapy but as you get older you start do you have a different relationship with it or you don't do it? I love it now. Oh, you do. I love it. So by the time you got to New York, you were well on your way through college. Yeah. To drinking. Yeah. But then, you know, what, what escalated it? I think it was. When you got to New York, what was that boyfriend like?

He was a real caretaker. Oh, so that was the good one. Yeah, he was like my nurse. Oh, okay. And he took good care of me, or tried to, even though I was like a nightmare. Yeah. And what was the question? What sort of escalated it in New York?

I think in New York, it was just the fact that I didn't have any, like, there was no real structure to my life. And New York is such a fucking playground. Yeah, at that time. For your demons. That was in 2006 that I moved to new york yeah and it was we lived in greenpoint on the uh on india and mcginnis it was like right next to this trailer that's like still there yeah it just said ass or grass no one rides for free but it was written like somebody wrote that with a knife in the side of it yeah you know what i mean it wasn't like a

bumper sticker right um anyway it was and it was just a very industrial part of brooklyn there was no grass there was no so right and you're just untethered you don't have to go to college you don't you know you're there and i had gone there because well i wasn't working i had gone there because I, after college, I went to Europe with my sister. Which one? Hallie. She's a nurse now. Okay, yeah.

Ironically. You talked about her in the special, yeah. Yeah. And she planned this whole trip, right? Yeah. And we went and my passport got stolen on the trip. I was drunk. I was blacked out. Somebody took my passport, my on the trip i was drunk i was blacked out somebody took my

passport my purse everything and i that's when you call your grandfather yes that is the one time i have called i have gone in and gone do you know who my grandfather is and not genuinely been asking like who is he um but this was they got me a passport in an hour. And my sister was like, you know, you're like a fucking mess. And I can't do this anymore. And I'm just going. She just left. You in Europe.

And I went, cool. Yeah. Fine. And then I just stayed in Europe. And I don't know where I went. Like to this day, I don't recall the places that I went to. It was truly like a, I don't know how long I was there. I don't know. I was just blacked out in different countries.

And I would have to like check my passport from back then to know. Didn't you end up in bad situations? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, very bad situations. Situations like falling asleep on a military training ground next to like bullet, like shells, shotgun shells. And not knowing how you got there?

Not knowing how I got there. For some reason, I remember burying my belongings at the bottom of that mountain yeah like my cds and like nice italian shoes that i bought you had a reason i imagine i'm sure i had some sort of logic where i was like i can't let people take these cds if i fall asleep up there right so i'm gonna make sure that I keep my most valuable things in this hole. Yeah. Like hitchhiking on the side of the road, cutting my hair with a knife. Like my hair was cut with knives. How did you not get raped and murdered? I don't know.

I mean, honestly, I could have been. I don't have the time and I don't have the energy to find out if that happened. Yeah. There's like sometimes you just don't have time to figure out if you were raped. Sure. And most women kind of know what I'm talking about. Like you go in for a massage and you're like, was that okay? Yeah.

And you're like, I have shit to do. Anyway, so I, my sister. Is that part of it? That doesn't seem part of it my sister like passed me she would like send me money at western unions and then at a certain point they were like we're gonna stop sending you money and i was like okay fine they go you gotta come back you gotta go to rehab i was like i'll book the ticket so just send me enough money to book the ticket and i'll come home yeah but i was dating this guy off and on in new york and he lived in greenpoint with his metal band and i uh i said to myself what i'll do is i'll leave most of my belongings here yeah i'll take my stuff on the plane it'll i'll book something that stops in jfk and i'll get off and i'll just go to his place and so that's what i did and then he promised

my family that he would take care of me and make sure that i went to like group therapy group therapy the fuck is that nonsense oh i don't even know what that means i went to a group therapy for women with an eating disorder it wasn't even like a i didn't even focus on the real how'd you find that i just looked it did you have any disorder uh yeah kind of i was like it's an i have enough of one you know what i mean it was like i can keep drinking yeah i'm like this is a half truth but it's still right it's as honest as i'm willing to get. It looks proactive. Yes, exactly. So I did that. And I just sort of sat there and did these group therapy sessions, but was drinking more than I'd ever drank.

And it was really ramping up and escalating. And all of the damage that I was causing around me, it was quick. Oh, you couldn't avoid it. Like what? Just mostly like I was a heartbreaking person to be around. I was really cruel to people around me. Yeah, you seem a little hard.

I would fight them. I remember when we worked together, I'm like, she's really funny, but she seems hard. Yeah, I think that it's something that people assume about me but i i think i also carefully crafted that on some level and i'm trying to get a lot better about it because the truth is i'm like insanely sensitive you know so right so you you're

preemptively mean yeah i'm like nobody's gonna hurt me yeah um so it's that and uh and i i just really lashed out at people i was really angry really really angry and um are you able to track that trace it what do you think it had to do with your sister and your family it was about my sister yeah it was about my parents yeah um it was about the world, how like everything can change so quickly without you being prepared for it or knowing anything. You had no control. Yeah. And then being, you know, going off to college and just being like, deal with that. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. I mean, I like had no, I had no way of dealing with what i'd gone through and no one was telling me like you just went through a really really traumatic thing you should be spending you know i'm sure like my mom tried to get me to go to therapy but she was also like dealing with a divorce and the death of her daughter and all of her and the daughters that were still under her roof and i was just and anything that she told me to do i would have been like fuck off yeah so i just dealt with it it was like putting a band-aid

on a broken arm and just getting back out there yeah and that was like that was it so what got what landed you in rehab finally? I never went to rehab, actually. You just went to what? Did you do the thing? I just, I drove everyone away to the point that there was no one else to blame but myself. And I was alone. And I remember looking around at like my life and being like, there's no one here that I can point this to.

Yeah. Except for me. Yeah. And I started doing 12-step groups. I started doing meetings and stuff. And that's how I got clean. That's good. You just did that on your own?

I did, yeah. Wow, in New York. Mm-hmm. That's good, man. And then you've stayed straight with it? Yeah. All this time? Yeah.

Are you still in? Do you still go? I still go. Yeah, I do. I mean, it's over Zoom now pretty much. You live in New York? Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. When does it go back to, when do you get to go back? I mean, people are still doing in-person meetings now, or they are, they just started to a couple months ago, but i still just do the zoom because i'm like i had completely fallen off of them and then when the pandemic hit i got back into it because i was like who's in it well i just was like now is a good time you want to talk to somebody yeah yeah now's a good time to like i have the time to focus on inner health and I might as well do that.

And a lot of changes were happening. I was falling in love. I was getting engaged and I was like, I want to walk into this consciously and not be just doing something. Another thing. Yeah. To avoid the thing. Right. So you got sober in 2007, 2007 yeah yeah and when do you start doing comedy

i started doing comedy in 2013 the first open mic i did was 2013 so you're still kicking around as the actress was still the dream no sober no at that point I had just like, I kind of gave up on acting. I was just like, I don't really want to do this anymore. And did you start acting out in other ways after you got rid of the booze? Yeah, for sure. Because like when I got sober, I immediately got involved with somebody that turned into, it just turned into a terrible, terrible thing. Oh, yeah. No, relationships were my number one thing that I did. I would get involved with people that didn't want to be involved with me.

And then I would, they either didn't want to be involved with me at all, or they were depending on me in the same way that I depended on the guy who was my nurse. Right, the metal band guy. Yeah. Well, who's the one that you talk about in the special that sounded terrible that was bad yeah that was uh sober yeah you did that sober yes um i did that sober and i but i was still very very sick in a lot of ways i thought this guy clearly is bad news i remember going to therapy and being like i just he had relapsed

he was you met him in the rooms no i met him actually through acting okay he was an actor yeah and he had told me that he was sober right and then i learned a couple months later that he was not really sober he was like dry yeah and he was he was just abstaining for the moment and was eventually going to uh relapse and he did and i didn't realize i had never seen alcoholism like that i had never seen it like that like what where you see somebody having seizures um oh you, withdrawing. That quickly? Yeah. He would drink like a quarter gallon a day?

He would go a week and then he would seize if he tried to stop. I mean, it was like, and every single time he relaxed. Was he drinking just like a gallon of hard liquor a day? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like leaving Las Vegas drinking. Really? Like that? Yeah.

I'd never seen it. And that was the first time I realized, oh, this is like a real disease. I understood that concept, but I hadn't experienced it. What was your place in that? Why didn't you just get out? I thought in my mind at the time, which is this is also, I think, a symptom of the disease of alcoholism is there's denial all around you. Yeah. There's people all around you that think that they can help or that they can.

And I was one of those people, even having suffered from alcoholism myself, knowing how it worked. I thought if I love him enough. Wow. Yeah. You got introduced to your codependency. Right. If I love him enough. Wow.

Yeah. You got introduced to your codependency. Right. I thought if I just show him how much I love him and I devote my entire life to this guy, he drank that I got to relive that experience of not being able to save my sister so every time he survived another relapse I got to be I he would call me a hero his family would call me an angel and i was getting all of this like it's all very self-centered even though it looks on the outside like selflessness right it's very self-centered and also like that makes sense that this sort of like loss thing yeah and i and but i when i i got introduced my codependency like you know seven eight seven, eight years ago. I mean, I was sober a long time, 12 years or whatever. And I got into a thing with a woman who I just I couldn't see the reality of. And I just thought I could help her. But I'll tell you, when I stopped liking that, when I when I woke up, I woke the fuck up. Same. It happens like that. Yeah. And you're like, I am done. Right.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it was, it was that, it was that night that we, we'd gotten in a fight and I had, uh, I was running away from him. I tried to slam a door. Yeah. Right. To like close the door before he was chasing after me.

His hand got stuck in the door. Yeah. He came through, just whacked me and i fell to the floor and i um i remember it was like new year's eve of 2012 yeah or 2011 yeah it was 2011 and um i woke up like i just i i remember him being like covering the door so that I couldn't leave. Right. That was the first thing that he did after he hit me was to get in front of the front door. And so I immediately was like, oh, this is like, he doesn't care at all about anything. And I, of course, there were so many signs that that was obvious before but it was like that was the thing that made me see it violence yeah yeah and um i just decided and it wasn't the first time it happened but it was the first time it had really hurt and i thought okay well what were you able

to do just so you in previous times you're like well he was just drunk kind of thing in previous times i would find a way to blame myself. I would find a way to go, well, you know, I got in his face or I did this or I like. Oh, man. There's always something where I was like, I wasn't an angel, you know? Yeah. Which I wasn't. But still, it was like.

Yeah, you don't have to be. You don't have to like, yeah. Get hit. But I didn't get it. know i really but it's what's sad is that like that is the script of all of them yeah of all domestic abuse yeah they find you right turn you out right without you know not even knowing it's just a dynamic that occurs yeah and then you live in it yeah and until you get really hurt or get out right and it was I think to me I still to this day I'm really grateful that I had that experience because I would it would have

taken I don't know how much longer for me to fully heal because all of that was so wrapped up in the trauma of my graduation my high school graduation and all the events surrounding that, that I just, I don't think I would have dealt with it. You know, I had to deal with those things in order to deal with this because I had a therapist who was like, it's not about him. This is has nothing to do with him. And all my focus was on him and the relationship and what was happening there and he was like this isn't about him this is about you like wanting to be a martyr or a hero and um and your guilt your toxic levels of guilt wow so so that So that became the key to doing that work. Yeah. And comedy. Yeah. And then comedy really just, comedy just happened because I was like, I don't have anything else I want to do right now. And this just seems like a fun idea. And then. You started in New York?

I started in New York. Where? And then. You started in New York? I started in New York. Where? At a Metropolitan Room open mic. It was like this random little open mic on 23rd around there.

Yeah. And they would just have these little, it was like six or seven people. Yeah. It was tiny. Right. It was a tiny open mic, lights on everyone. Yeah. You could see everybody's face.

Yeah. You knew exactly how they felt. Yeah. About on everyone. Yeah. You could see everybody's face. Yeah. You knew exactly how they felt. Yeah. About your jokes. Yeah. And I remember getting a laugh and thinking, huh, that was fun. Yeah, right. And then just being like, I'm going to go back and do that again.

Yeah. Tomorrow. Yeah. And then being like, I'm going to do that again the next day. And then kind of picking up on the whole narrative of the New York narrative of narrative of like if you really want to do this you should do it every night and so i i thought oh then i'll just do that and it was never like i'm gonna create a life out of comedy i just really had a lot to talk about i just had had a lot to say. Right. And I'd been through a lot. And a lot of healing and a lot of pain all at the same time. And I had no pride left.

And I thought, well, this is kind of perfect if you don't have any pride. Yeah, yeah. You can just go up there and, you know, like there is, but there is something cathartic about forcing yourself to frame things comedically. Yeah. You know, like like if you have the compulsion to put yourself in in situations that compromise you. And also you have a sort of a slight shame addiction. It's perfect. Yeah. I mean, it felt to me like really redemptive.

Yeah. Because you can win in a moment. Yeah. Yeah. And I just thought every time I do this, it feels better. Yeah. And when it feels bad, I'm used to that. Yeah.

So who cares? But it's also manageable because if it feels bad, you still have control over that with stand-up. Yeah. It's like Harry Shearer said, the reason people try to do comedy is so that you have control over why people laugh at you. Right. Right. So even when it's going bad, as awful as it feels, the context is pretty limited. Yeah.

This is happening now. I'm failing. Yeah. And it's here. Yeah. And I's here. Yeah. And I'll get through it. And it's kind of this beautiful thing where you have to keep. I mean, I'm in a place today where I feel like it's just great.

But I got to tell you. Yeah. I mean, the whole like me not having any pride, like most of the pride that i have today yeah is around comedy and it's like i gross myself out sometimes with the what you say no i mean well not really but i do gross other people out yeah but yeah there's times where i walk off stage because i'm a dark comic and i go did i just take comedy from them yeah did i just take it out of the room yeah what did i just do those people the fuck did i just do what did i make them pay for yeah yeah and and how masturbatory am i and how i fucking hate myself after a set that doesn't go well because it's like you just went in and

told them sad stories you dumb bitch i i literally like... It's a fine line between sadness and funny. Yeah. I believe me. I definitely... Yeah, you get it. I get it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm one of those guys where...

Well, I remember years ago when I was doing comedy when I was starting out in Boston and some guy, I don't remember if he was a journalist or some kind, literally came up to me after a set and just looked at me

very earnestly said, why comedy? and literally came up to me after a set and just looked at me very earnestly said, why comedy? That's the most hurtful thing you can say. That is so. But he was right. Like, I couldn't answer it. Yeah.

I don't know sometimes what I'm doing up there. And now, like, I'm working out a new hour. And I don't know. You know, some of it's heavy, man. And I have become very sensitive to the quality of of laughter like I know what laughter that sad is yeah and I know what you know just relief laughter is yeah what entertain laughter is but you do kind of go after that laughter that could be crying yeah like that that kind of like weird like yeah and like yeah that's satisfying but i'm not sure it's a great experience for the audience but uh you know okay here's how i think of it i

think there's so much um it's i think it's very easy to be entertaining. Not that it's easy to entertain. The act of entertaining is not easy. Yeah. But I think it's easy to exist as an entertainer. Yeah. Easier. Yeah, I don't know how to do it, though. I mean, I think maybe you're right, and it seems that way, but it's not like I've tried it, and it's not for me. Like, I don't really, I mean, I know how to be entertaining in a moment impulsively.

I can do voices and jump around, and i've done it in bits and stuff yeah but it's not my first intention right like let me take you away from everything i'm here to entertain yeah it's sort of like uh we got to work through some stuff god i'm glad you guys are here yes you know maybe i i don't have to drag people through my problems right you know i mean i never felt like i got into comedy when i was 28 um so i was like and i'd been through a lot already yeah and i just i already had shit to talk about yeah and i also was not interested in wasting any fucking time. I was like, if I'm getting serious about this and I'm slowly starting to, when I make the

decision to- No. Well, yeah, kind of. But when I realized, oh, there might be a path here for me that isn't just a way to escape my day-to-day. And your husband's a comic? Yeah. And you guys were locked down together? Is that how it comic? Yeah. And you guys, what, were locked down together?

Is that how it worked? Yeah. Well, I mean, we were dating. You were dating, and then lockdown happened, and then it got, it added, like you had a three-year thing in a year kind of thing? Kind of, but we were two sober addicts, so we, like, move quicker than lesbians.

Right, sure. We're just like, let's move in together, let's get married, you know? Yeah yeah he had been sober about six years i'd i'd been sober about 12 and um so i am better than him and uh and winning and we just i also just knew when i met him i was like this guy is a guy that i can whatever's gonna come up you can work through it right he had the language he didn't seem perfect yeah at all yeah he wasn't my type there was no I didn't even want to like him to be honest that sounds like a relationship made in heaven sounds perfect and I just

I was like I don't they don't think this is it for me i don't want to like this guy i don't he's not he's goofy you know and and then we every time we hung out i was like i just i want to be around him i feel good around him i feel so happy yeah and so silly yeah and he brings out this like goofy side of me, but I can still be as sinister as I truly feel sometimes. And yeah, I just never felt that kind of freedom to be myself. That's really what it came down to. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. So this special is the first special?

This is the first special, yeah. Whiskey Fists. Whiskey Fists. So are you like, do you have to retire this hour now, or are you touring on it? I don't know. I never know what to do. I always go with the sort of like, well, it's on TV, it's over.

Listen, I struggle with that because I'm like, half the stuff, the demand for content now, which is what they call jokes. They call content. Everything's content. Yeah. We, everybody's onto you. Like, yeah. Right.

They all know so much about. You think they do, but sometimes. They act like they do. Yeah. And they, I mean, I have people like DM me when i mentioned on another podcast and i'm like this is gross like of course i want to hear it but yeah but like it's this weird thing where they're so inside the world yeah of i know audience members now go like good set yeah where'd you learn the language i'm like go fuck yourself yeah it's this kind of like um

you know there's a demand to do an hour every year or whatever. And it's like, that's a demand for comics that are more skilled than I am. Like, I have to keep remembering, like, I've been doing this for 10 years almost. This is the one. This one took you 10 years. Yeah. I get it. Yeah.

Well, I mean, a year is like, it's not quite right. I mean, you know, you build at your own pace. But even for me, me well i don't know i'm jamming through this one because i i was out for there's a lot yeah kind of yeah uh but i never know where it comes from and i don't think it's a matter of where you are as a comic it's just it's finding the freedom to talk right you know it's just a matter of you know i know people say every year but if it seems like you've got it for real the comedy bug so you'll you'll do it yeah no i mean it's gonna happen yeah um you don't know how or

where or when i don't yeah i don't really know but you will need to do new material because you just hate the shit you're doing right yeah no i mean i right now even as i'm on stage like and during the pandemic even i would be like touring the hour and i would be in the middle of a fucking horror show of a like pandemic audience yeah outdoors indoors it was all like midwestern places you know people that were like oh i've never heard of covid i don't know what that is um and i would be having a full existential uh yeah i did get it yeah i got it after the special i got it after my vaccines oh really yeah how long did it break through case um like a day now you're supposed to tell me like i just found out

yesterday no like yeah just earlier today um no like it lasted lasted like a day. And I just thought that it was the I thought it was the side effects from the I was like, these people are fucking lying about these side effects. These are killer. Yeah, these are fucking bad. Yeah. And then I found out I had COVID. Oh, wow. And I was like, oh, I had COVID in my system with no symptoms. And then I got the vaccine the vaccine and boom everything sort of ramped up and then died off and i was with my husband we were doing comics mohegan sun and i know that place i i looked at him and i told him when we got back that i had covid and he goes that's weird we like made out and like there's no he was vaxx too? He was vaxxed too and he never got it. That's nice. I guess that's good. It's good he didn't get it and it's good that the vaccine works and sorry for your luck. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you so much. Sorry for your luck is great. So, all right. So when do you go back to New York? I go back on the 18th of this month. And tomorrow I'm going to the go back on the 18th of this month and tomorrow i'm going to the um tomorrow's the 15th yeah so that's my wedding anniversary and i will be spending it opening for michael che at uh his special taping where's that that's at the fox theater in san

francisco no oakland oakland yeah yeah yeah i play that place that'll be fun you can't call oakland san francisco no you can't flip oh That'd be fun. You can't call Oakland San Francisco. No, you can't. Flip out. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. I like that guy. I've never interviewed him.

He's never out here. He's so fucking, he's literally one of my favorite people. Yeah. And he would hate to hear that. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. He kind of reminds me of Norm a little bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I could see that. Yeah, yeah. kind of reminds me of norm a little bit oh yeah yeah i could see that yeah yeah he's like that uh whatever your expectations of him are yeah he's not gonna like that you have those yeah and he's gonna surprise you anyway yeah yeah well it's good talking to you great talking to you too thanks for doing it thanks for having me that's it there you go satan's granddaughter rosebud baker uh comedy central stand-up special whiskey fists can be seen in full on comedy central's youtube channel the podcasts that she hosts devil's advocate and find your Oh my God, I'm sore.

Let me try to wrap my fingers around my new guitar. My shoulders hurt. I need a nap. Fuck, man. I got this soreness on my side. 58. It's happening, people. It's happening.

Just remember, we all get sloppy in the end. Thank you. Musik Thank you. BOOMER LIVES! Boomer lives. Monkey and Lafonda. Cat angels everywhere. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those.

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