WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 616 - Rich Vos

Episode Date: July 1, 2015

Comedian Rich Vos and Marc were pounding the same pavement decades ago when they were both starting out in comedy. Of course Rich was smoking crack, but why quibble with minor differences? Rich tells Marc how he made it out of the drug-fueled insanity of the mid-80s and wound up marrying a fellow comedian, Bonnie McFarlane. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Calgary is an opportunity-rich city,

home to innovators, dreamers, disruptors, and problem solvers. The city's visionaries are turning heads around the globe across all sectors each and every day. They embody Calgary's DNA. A city that's innovative, inclusive, and creative. And they're helping put Calgary and our innovation ecosystem on the map as a place where people come to solve some of the world's greatest challenges. Calgary's on the right path forward. Take a closer look at CalgaryEconomicDevelopment.com. What the fuckineers, what the fucksters, what the fuckaholics, what the fuckadelics, what the fuckleberryfins. Welcome. I am Mark Maron. This is WTF. Thank you for joining me. Some of you may be new to the show. Welcome.

We do have quite a few new listeners because of an interview I did last week. Today on the show, as promised, the week following the presidential podcast, Rich Voss. Rich Voss and I go way back. And Rich Voss is a comedian and a very decent man. And I enjoyed this conversation with him a great deal, and I'm happy to share it with you. Since I last talked to you, I did the Brooklyn Opera House, which was spectacular and amazing and a real high point for me performance-wise.

And then I went out to Huntington, Long Island, also great. They gave me a brick. The guys at the Paramount in Huntington are very proud of their venue, and it's a fine venue, a fine venue to do comedy in, a big venue, an old venue, a gutted old movie theater, which is pretty amazing. Hold on. Let me get the brick. Thank you for playing the Paramount

Come Back Again Soon on parchment tied to a brick that on one side etched in it. I mean, they must get this done at like a place that makes gravestones or something because etched in the rock, in the brick, in the actual brick, Mark Maron, June 27, 2015

on the other side, the Paramount in Huntington, New York. They're very proud of their venue because it's a renovated venue and it's beautiful. There's all this old detail to it. It's a pretty astounding venue. And this apparently was a brick that was part of the venue. This is a brick brick. Now, I carry on luggage. And I really didn't know.

I got to be honest with you and with the people at the Paramount that I didn't know if this was going to end up in the garbage because i like to carry on and this is something people should consider when they bring stuff to shows for me you know i can handle a record or two but if you're going to bring a large painting god it sounds so i'm just nailing its best but so i had this brick but i'm like i'm going to risk it i i'm going to take it i'm going to try to carry it on like i i know in the old days a brick was is a weapon and probably is a weapon now not it's sort of old school it's more of a weapon for destroying windows throwing a brick through a window taking a brick and hitting a guy over the head with a brick not as easy it's it's weighty but i didn't know if it was on the list of dangerous shit. So I just went ahead through.

I go through pre-check and then I put it through the scanner. And they're like, you got to look in the bag. And I'm like, here we go. My commemorative brick is going to be in the garbage. And this is a horrible thing about having your name etched in something or your name written in things or something made out to you or for you. If you throw it away, it'll find its way back to you. Or perhaps it'll hurt the feelings of someone who gave it to you. And I don't want to do that. I did not want to throw away the brick. The TSA guy, you know, this dude, like a stout dude,

little burly dude, takes my bag and I'm like, there's a brick in there. He's like, what? I'm like, there's a brick. He's like, a brick? Like a brick brick? I'm like, yeah, it's a brick with my name on it. Really? I'm like, yeah, it's a brick. He opens the bag and I take it out and I show him. It's like, I don't know. What do you think? He's like, I know who you are.

And I'm like, so what, you're going to, can I take the brick? He's like, yeah, take the brick and, you know, keep working. Keep going, man. You're going to be something. He said that to me. Thank you for letting me keep my brick and being supportive. So i have my brick thank you paramount for the brick and i was in red bank new jersey my old man showed up in red bank and i know some of you know the the stuff with me and my old man uh you know the in and out of it the ups and downs more like but uh we've

been all right but uh but i had to make some time for the old man not knowing where the old man would be frequency wise and he sounded good on the phone you know he's retired and he's wandering i don't know it's hard to be upbeat and miserable but he he does it and maybe that's where i get it i don't know but uh but we go out to dinner at this place katanos right there in red bank because my uh I have a part-time assistant, Frank. His dad owns that joint and said go by there. I got to fucking tell you, man, you can't get Italian food anywhere

like you can in the East Coast. New Jersey, New York. I mean, they're just places. It's just places where it's fucking amazing. I don't know if it's the water or what, but God damn it, it was good. Chicago, too. I'll give Chicago. but that's it where the immigrant population of italians has lived for

for centuries and generations is where you find the good italian food and also i think new york water has something to do with it but anyway i'm going to talk about food and talk about my father so i didn't know where he was at so me and my dad sit down at this restaurant he picked me up at the train station and i can usually tell i can usually tell where my father's at mentally and emotionally from about 50 feet away what just by his posture the aura of his energy i can feel it because i know the guy's my dad so i can feel the suction of his sadness from about 50 feet i could feel the the sort of uh you know non-threatening uh middle uh frequency where he's just sort of like neither here nor there and i can feel uh the mania but uh from his

his posture i can feel all that because he's my dad and feel it 50 feet away and i see him and i'm i'm registering a little above just uh medium a little above medium we're not not no darkness and i'm like great this will work out. But still, overcompensate. Everything's going great. Don't let him take a brick out of your wall. Don't let him take a commemorative emotional brick out of the fortress I have constructed for myself to live a relatively healthy life.

So we exchange pleasantries and we go sit down at and i you know i i just you know i order some food and i look at him i go so so how you doing and my father looks at me and goes good fucking sick of everything but i've had it with everything but i'm good i'm good but i've had it i tell you i've had it with everything and that's it man that's it in a nutshell that's that's it, man. That's it in a nutshell. That's what I come from. Everything's great, but fuck, I've had it. Is that a way of communicating? Is that the yin and yang? I don't know, but that's what happened. That's where it was.

And he came to the show, and I think to spite himself. I think there's a slight difference. You either have parents that are proud of you, or you have parents that are impressed by you um i think i have the impressed kind my mom seems to to tip into pride a bit uh emotionally my father's just impressed which uh i i think is is tentative i i think you know he's impressed but uh but there's still room to fail for you more tour. There's a couple more coming up. Portland is sold out for the weekend after next, but Colorado, I'll be at the Boulder Theater on July 24th, and I'll be at the

Paramount Theater in Denver on July 25th. So come if you can. I know I've got people there. I just don't know if they know what's happening. No matter what I do, the day after I do it, people are always like, I didn't know you were coming. I don't know what I have to do. I've said it on my show over and over again. I tweeted. I did everything I could. Do you want me to come over?

So I had to do some organizing because the president came and I moved everything out of the garage, everything that was on the floor. And a lot of that stuff was just piles and stacks of shit that I have not gone through. And my filing is horrible. I've got just piles and stacks of shit that I have not gone through. And my filing is horrible. I've got just papers and stacks and I save everything. And today I spent some time with Frank, my new guy, and we just went through the filing. It's un-fucking-believable what I save and what is emotional to me. I'm going through these files.

I'm throwing shit away. I don't have to save everything. Like pay stubs from gigs and all the weird detective work i had to do around my identity theft i found the the the three or four letters that were sent to me by the patent troll uh harassing me to give them money and i'm like i gotta do something with this that thing is defeated it's you know there was a victory to it and there's just tons of other papers i just don't need every doctor visit i ever did and the results of every doctor thing i ever had and they're paying it's sort of like just a history of of of panic and and blood tests i mean i found a a monthly i found like i used to

get those calendars i found one from 1991 like those monthly calendars that you write your shit in because that's the way i could see it back then. And I found an address book that must be from around that time, like 90, 91. And it's just bizarre. I don't know if you have this shit, but there's a reason that you should keep it, because if you just look at who your friends were and who you were talking to,

it's sort of fucking fascinating. Right there on the first page, David Tell's number. 25 years ago. Craig Anton, who I'm still in touch with. Bizarre. My grandmother. Oh, my Tell's number. 25 years ago. Craig Anton, who I'm still in touch with. Bizarre. My grandmother. Oh, my grandmother. His address.

That's sad. Brett Butler. Steve Brill. These people that I still talk to. Greg Barrett. Dave Becky, my old manager. It's just, it's amazing how many people are still in my life. Holy jeez.

Look at that. F***ing travel. Hilarious. Hilarious. I don't even jeez. Look at that. Travel. Hilarious. Hilarious. I don't even, maybe you should beat that. I don't know. I doubt it. But this was this weird travel agency back before the TSA where you buy these tickets

for almost nothing because they had some sort of scam going with other people's, you know, frequent flyer points or whatever. And you'd meet a dude at an airport. We'd give you a ticket. And if you tried to change the ticket, you were in a world of shit. It was just a scam that Barry Katz had set me up with, of course. Chuck Farnham, what happened to that guy? Bob Guccione Jr., oh, yeah, I went to dinner at his house once.

Frank Gannon used to book The Tonight Show. This is bizarre, man. Janet, oh, my God, I remember her. I had sex with her in Memphis. I think. Anyways, it's just sort of fascinating to see who my friends were. Oh, my first girlfriend's in here. This is, it's just like, this is before Facebook. I don't know where a lot of these people, John Stewart. Wow. John Stewart's phone number is in here from back in the day. The Nose Magazine. Trippy. Patton Oswalt.

Oh, so this must be like 92. Anyways, friends. Jonathan Rosenfeld. That was a therapist I had in San Francisco. Yeah, so this must be from like 92, 93. Jonathan Rosenfeld. He was the guy that said to me, there's no such thing as boredom, only fear.

Jon Stewart. I wonder if that number is still good. I should give him a call. I should talk to him. I guess it's on me, isn't it? Anyways, it's just weird that I saved all this shit and you can sort of track your memories if you can access them

of people and places you've been if you hold on to these weird little artifacts. Yeah, that's right. 1991. I was making my living doing the Taunton Regency, which was a good gig. It was a hotel gig in a conference room. Probably made $400. And last week, I interviewed the president of the United

States of America Barack Obama I'll tell you one thing I came away from the president with is that nicotine is an ongoing fucking nightmare and I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm chipping on cigarettes but I'm chipping alright and if you don't know what chipping is

get hip to the old lingo from back in the day. I'm chipping a little bit, and I'm sorry. All right? Let's talk to Rich Vaughn. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats.

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exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Boss. I gotta tell you this what uh you achieve something

that I fucking I I dream of I I have a hotel by the airport yeah

you have a fucking billboard it's so fucking big for I mean it's so big that it's probably

the most exciting one of the most exciting things you could have as a comic is i mean the fucking whole concept of the billboard stinks i mean you come out of the balls but the fact it's fucking it's fucking ridiculous i don't know who picked that i like to find them but it's colorful though yeah yeah it's colorful so is a benetton yeah so but the fact it's it's probably as big as any big billboard you can get. I've only seen one of them. And I got to be honest with you, I really wanted those. Like, it was not, like, I thought that at least in this town, you know, in LA, can't get a couple billboards.

It's the third season. You know, I said to IFC, it's like, you know, and they're like, it's not the most effective way to spend ad money. I'm like, who cares? It's LA. I'd'd like to be i'd like to be able to think i have a real television show i had a billboard for a week in vegas for a week yeah but any fucking bodak could have got that billboard because i was just bodak because i was just working at the palms yeah you know so i had a real bill not not the the club one it was one on the street. Right. Okay? And I took pictures of it. But in life, you know, you work so hard, and little things like a billboard is one of the payoffs.

It's weird. It is. It's a fucking payoff. Okay? Why should fucking Cameron Diaz have a billboard and not Mark Maron? For a shitty movie. Yes. For a fucking something that's going to go straight from the theater into the fucking... I agree with you, but there's part of me that knows, like, well, anyone can get a shitty movie. Yes. For fucking something that's going to go straight from the theater into the fucking.

I agree with you, but there's part of me that knows like, well, anyone can get a billboard. You just got to get someone to pay for it. But the truth is like, I agree with you. It may be petty. It may be a small minded, but to me, a billboard was a big deal. It was a big deal to me. I think Patrice, one of the reasons he didn't re-up with vh1 or whatever yeah network yeah was because they wouldn't give him a billboard in times square yeah and he said look i want a

billboard in times square yeah i this is the story of my life i was working uh the mcm grand at brad garrick when was this oh recently yeah i don't know a couple months ago whatever it's a good room for for a comedy room and. It's a good room. So you were headlining? Yeah. Really? No, I was fucking middling. I was middling for a fucking juggling Jack Swersey.

Okay. I was fucking headlining. Really? Look at that fucking face. Really? 30 years and I just worked my way to middle. I'm just trying to set you up. I'm just trying to make sure everyone knows you. My listeners are new to Rich Voss.

I want them to know. So I'm working there. And the billboard, when they flash you're working there, it's the whole side of the building. I mean, it's probably 25 stories high. I got a picture of it. Of you? Yeah.

It's remarkable. It's a lot of rich. That's a lot. I didn't know you could make insecurity that big let me tell you something let me tell you something the drool

on the billboard that came out of my mouth looked like fucking buckets of water because I'm a slobbering Jew bag so I'm going

I can't feel any better you know I'm working Vegas I mean it's not look it's a good comedy room out of all the comedy rooms it's not a theater I'm not but i'm headlining and i'm in a good mood then and this happens this is my third time it happened yeah my fucking manager calls me on friday right on friday before the friday and the weekend show yeah oh your pilot wasn't picked up your pilot really

you couldn't wait till mond. You couldn't wait till Monday when I got home. Which pilot was that? Bonnie and I did one for True TV. We got a couple going on. Bonnie McFarlane. I want to make sure everyone knows.

Yeah, that's my wife. But we, you know. Jesus, what the hell? Why the fuck she marry you? Well, because I'm fucking, first of all, I'm a genius. That's one.

Second of all, second of all. I mean, that goes without saying. I don't fail. You're a sweet guy. Okay. And I don't know. It's so weird. When we started dating, the first time I met her, and I've told this, I was at the comedy

cellar. I'm on Last Comic Standing, the first season, the good season. What's the age difference? Oh, God. What? It's not a reasonable question. Yeah, that a reasonable question yeah i guess it is i guess it is i look at yeah yeah i'm a failure at relationships yeah but you look great you're smooth look great you're older than me right probably yeah how old are you how old am i yeah don't you hear when people answer a question with

a question well you've done how old am i i'll am I? I'll be, next month, I'll be 58. Really? Yeah. You look great. Thank you. I'm 51, 51. Yeah, but you look good, you know. You look better than me.

You've got that sort of rugged Jew skin. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of dark a little bit. I play a lot of golf, though. That's why I get dark. Well, I am dark. I have an olive skin base from, you know, from when I was yeah from being that kind of jew yeah yeah so bonnie i met her i was at the comedy cellar she came downstairs and i knew of okay even before that yeah uh uh mark she was cute mark

cohen mark cohen they were dating okay so mark cohen after he did uh make me laugh yeah they did some live shows right yeah some live so they it was a couple couple of them were me uh mark cohen and joey vega right so we went and did corporate live whatever so i'm working with with cohen and he's miserable he's fucking miserable i go what's up? Me and my girlfriend just broke up. I knew nothing about it. Yeah. We just broke up. He's heartbroken. He's fucked. I go, look, I've been through divorce.

It's not a big deal. You'll get through it. Yeah. You'll get through it. But he's going through that right then. Yeah. The fear. The little abandonment.

Horrible feeling. Yeah. Heartbreak. And all that just changed. You get comfortable being uncomfortable in these relationships. And that's all 12-step talk that I didn't make up, but it's true. You get comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Yeah, the patterns, the patterns.

So he's breaking up with her. Years later, I'm at the comedy cell ready to go on stage, and Bonnie walks down the stairs and says oh you're that guy in last comic yeah and that was the first scene and i'm looking at her i'm going oh you're the comic that that's gone out with other comics uh everyone you know not me but she looks hot and uh she watched my set and i kind of fucking i didn't i i didn't bomb but it wasn't a good set yeah she even left in the middle of it really yeah it wasn't a good set. Yeah. She even left in the middle of it. Really?

Yeah, it wasn't good because I was too nervous. Because of her? Yes. I wanted to impress her. I was on a date, too, with a hairdresser from The View who was very attractive. Somehow or another, Bonnie just floored you. Just came in. Now you're going to fail in front of two women.

And now Bonnie comes down the stairs, and my first thing I say to her is, she doesn't even know me. She goes, oh, you're on Last Comic. Yeah. I go, i go oh yeah i know you i i hit on you but i'm on a date that's the first thing i ever said to her yeah so already she thinks i'm a creep yeah so uh i call the club the next day i ask esky i go esty i go can you give me that girl's phone number and esty called bonnie and bonnie said do not give him my fucking phone number. Yeah. Right? So I went down there.

You stalked her. I went down another night. You stalked her. She was there. Yeah. So we went out for pizza. Yeah. We, you know,

we had pizza and, you know, cut to me going down on her in the car a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. And then she, she takes off. You went down on her

in the car a little bit. Yeah. That was the first date. Like that, that's unorthodox. That's what you went with. I'm going to go down on her in the car a little bit. That was the first date. That's unorthodox. That's what you went with? I'm going to go down on her in the car. I had to show her that I'm a giver. Right, okay.

I didn't ask her to go down on me. I want to show her, hey, look, I am a giver. That's why she married you. Okay. A lot of comics or guys would go, blow me. Not me. No. Okay, you set them up.

You set them up. Yeah, okay. You're a real prince well you went down on her in a car okay i know it was a it was a mercedes it wasn't a crappy car it was a nice car back seat so you got in the back no the front i like to crawl under the dashboard okay i i i'm really good at doing that so uh then we just i started dating a little like when i come to la we'd fool around she was great i can't this was she was perfect i was in la taping something yeah i'm staying at a great hotel yeah she came over in a day yeah went to the pool yeah and we ended up going to my room

we had sex and she got up and left yeah and you know that was so respectful you thought that was the best thing are you crazy yeah she left uh and i walked her down to the car because this sounds like love to me going out don't want down on her in a car you fuck her after hanging out at a pool at a hotel and she leaves you're like i'm in love this is it this is it yeah okay are you kidding me all right so all right so now these two incidents happen and then and then you and bonnie just start dating we start dating and what's the name of your podcast my wife hates me yeah my wife hates me and that's a radio show that we do on tuesday nights on sirius and we did a pot the pilot we did that

one was called my wife hates me but now let's go back though and then we'll bring it all back around so the first time i met you was probably 1988 or probably 1989 1990 at nick's yes comedy stop you had like long like a mulledy jerry curl yeah almost that's how my hair grows long i love ro Roger Daltrey and I'm glad my hair grew like that. Right. But yeah. But you put stuff in it. There was goop in it. No. Maybe. It looked a little oily to me. It might have been. I was a greasy person. Yeah. And then you had

I think you wore one of those Italian horn necklaces with the little curly thing. You know that thing? There was no way I would possibly have a horn necklace. It was probably a high. It was a high. You know the horn I'm talking about. Yeah, I know the horn. I got, you know, a Jewish star.

Maybe a high. Yeah. And you were, you know, you had the, it was late 80s, so you, yeah. That's my grandfather's dog tag from World War I. Really? Yeah. That's kind of cool. Isn't that cool?

Round dog tags. Yeah, World War I. So like what, how long have you been doing comedy at that point? Because you were kind of, like at Nick's, I think we, well, I don't know. You were, you were doing sort of, So, like, how long have you been doing comedy at that point? Because you were kind of, like, at Nick's, I think we... I stunk. Well, I don't know. You were doing sort of, you were, like, you were angry. You were tight.

You know, you were, like, you were intense. Okay, when I worked Nick's, see, I think... But you were kind of dicey. Yeah, I know, and that's what we got to get to at some point, because I heard the podcast where you had dice on, and you said that you opened the door for comics like Voss and this and that and that and I'm not at all but I know what you're saying it's an east coast attitude that makes you feel it's dicey and I was probably a little look it you don't find your voice for I don't know how long it takes you to really find your voice

20 years I mean I went on yeah it took 20 years it took me a long time yeah I mean I went on say I remember in the beginning I was running around. I thought I was Robin Williams. Then I would pace. I thought I was Bill Hicks. But when did you start? I guess I'm 29 years sober, so I guess I've been doing it 32 years. All right, so you were like 25, 26.

Where did you live? In Jersey. Where? In Jersey? Yeah, in Plainfield. That's where you grew up? Yeah, yeah. And it was a predominantly black town neighborhood.

I went to a school. I grew up in a black neighborhood. Both your parents were there? No, divorced. Divorced from day one. Since I was a little kid. That's why I love... I'm going to talk about talk about this

later i'm speaking at uh rehab today someplace promises i'm speaking here and and and your whole life as a child is formed you know two and three and my parents got divorced i guess i was in third grade fourth grade and i i would come home from school every day, every day and listen to Von Meter album. The JFK one? Yeah, the first family. Yeah. And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. And all I was doing was covering the pain from my parents' divorce.

And I didn't know that as a kid. But did you have a relationship with both your parents though? Now or throughout life? Nah, I mean, look, I broke the chain of dysfunction with my kids.

My parents were fucked up as when we were growing up. What'd you, what'd your, what'd your mom do though? What'd you do? Well, my mom struggled.

She had three kids. Luckily, you know, what you and two sisters, a sister and a brother, older brother, younger brother passed away a year and a half ago.

Sorry. And my older sister, who's a very successful business. Very, very successful. You get along with her? Kind of, yeah. I wasn't real close with my family because our parents didn't bring us close as a family. You know what I mean? So everyone was off doing their own shit?

Yeah, there was no nucleus. There was was nothing it was just every man for himself and where was your dad he lived in new york or la what did he do well the second after he divorced my mom he married a lady and lived in woodland hills yeah uh and then they got divorced he moved back to new york dated this one lady forever. Then he married his third wife, who he's been married to for 30 years. Still alive? Yeah, he's in his 80s. My mother's in a nursing home, Alzheimer's or dementia.

Yeah. Shot out. What'd your dad do? He did everything. He did sales, whatever fucking scam. And then he ended up as a travel agent the last 20-something years. A big, you know, but not just flights, big vacations and stuff. So growing up.

You're wired at two. At four or five. You don't have any foundation. I'm living in a neighborhood. Kind of my front door is white people yeah my back door is black all black people so i i didn't feel good enough to hang with the white people even though i didn't realize that their lives are just as fucked up and dysfunctional yeah but i felt a little better than the black people down there you know what i was right so

that's why i i i drew there because i thought it was i i'd be accepted do you see what i mean in the black neighborhood yeah more accepted yeah because i was right but then we all ended up kind of hanging together anyhow so that's where that's where i was and now you're at the point in life uh growing up you're doing everything for attention but it's negative right you know my parents were fucked up like my father would come see us two three times i mean every two or three weeks you know and then when he get there my mom would have him arrested she would use us as pawns you know here comes daddy then out of the bushes the detectives fucking arrest why for money for

child support so you're thinking well who's who's more fucked up him not paying or her for using us as pawns you know what i'm saying and and one time i my mother took my sister myself and my brother to my grandmother's house on my father's side and just knocked on the door and said i don't want him take him now as a fucking kid that's quite that's abandonment yeah when you hear your mother go i don't want them take them and and it's because back then they didn't have the tools to say hey i want to go out tonight can you watch my kids oh she didn't mean permanently she just meant yeah it's just yeah but you don't know that okay you don't know that all you know is yeah these fucking kids yeah

you know and just a couple words words could change the whole course of your mind and life. I think that's probably true. I think that recurrence of behavior, the patterns have to stick. You know, I mean, that probably hurt your feelings. But I mean, just the emotional patterns that are always there are what fucks you up.

Yeah, I mean, she set up my father a couple times. I remember one time from Jersey, we took the bus all the way to New York. Yeah. At the Port Authority, got out. My father was there. Then the cops arrested him.

You had to, we had to fucking take the bus to New York. You had to put us on a bus, all of us, and take us to fight. You couldn't get him arrested halfway in Elizabeth or somewhere. What the fuck? It's an hour hour ride on the bus to see daddy and you're so you know it was so fucked up because and two as a as a father see i broke the fucking chain of dysfunction with my kids i was the complete opposite of my parents you were aware of that that was party party your agenda was to do that we did some tv show i don't

know i think it was louis and's show on the fucking pier or whatever. Yeah. And they needed baby pictures. Remember that? I think it was Comedy Central or whatever. They go, we need baby pictures of you. And I went to my father. He had two fucking pictures of me.

Yeah. Two. Growing up. I have hundreds and hundreds of my kids. Hundreds. Yeah. My dad was absent emotionally too, but not like as bad as that. Yeah.

But also you're all excited to see your dad and then he gets busted. You didn't know that he was going to get busted when he went to New York. No, I wasn't in on the setup. I was a kid. But, you know, and it's funny too, as a parent back then, like I said, they didn't have the tools that we have now. Yeah, that's forgiving, which is good. I remember he would come to my house,

he would come to our house, and it just didn't fuck your head up. I'd curse at my mother, whatever. So he'd walk in my room, he'd smack me for cursing at my mother, give me a lecture. And he's a guy you never see that much. Yeah.

He'd try to get it all in on one fucking visit. Yeah. Smack me, lecture me, take me out to eat, give me money for toys goodbye yeah yeah you know hey thanks let's get it all in on that in three fucking hours you know thank you you know whoa no fucking problems here okay but when did you start like you know like what did you have to go through so you're hanging out with the with the black kids and and you're you're you're trying to figure out who you are in this world when do you start using the drugs well we then i started hanging with the hippies in school we mix it up

you know back then it was i just didn't know who the fuck you were well no you you grow into different stages of your life yeah so the black stage ended young it ended probably around sixth seventh grade after sports a lot of lot of it was revolved around sports. You were a sports guy? Yeah. In the neighborhood, we played sports. We played other neighborhoods, basketball, football. It was all sports.

At that age, we weren't doing anything. We'd break windows or break into a house here and there, but we weren't real bad kids. So it was based on sports. Breaking into a house here and there but we weren't real bad kids yeah uh so it's based on sports and breaking into a house pretty bad and we stole fucking sandwiches and hot wheels all right uh just oh okay no big no jewelry no no sandwiches and hot we took hot wheels and made just things you could use so nothing you could fence we uh and then you move on you go to junior high school and you start hanging with these other kids. But those kids, they're all potheads or smoking, getting high. You're going from one dysfunctional group to the next.

And that's, yeah, I knew who I was. I was a troubled person trying to get outside of myself and bury whatever pain you know and before it was with negative attention now it's with getting high and and and you know it started smoking pot going to the parties and and next thing you know uh i'm doing coke and i uh i'm trying to deal i owe everybody in town money i mean i, I was a fuck up. What year? When was this? High school?

High school. By high school. Junior high was bought. You were borrowing money for drugs? No, people would front me. They would give you a pound of coke. Oh, you were going to sell it? Were you selling it?

Yeah, sell it. And then I fucking do all the profit. Or the coke, I remember. I mean, I did so many fucking scams with the Coke. So you're selling Coke in high school? No, that was out right when I got out. Bags of it. Pound of Coke.

No, not a pound. I think I've seen a pound. Not a pound. I never, no, pounds a pot, but not pounds of Coke. I'd be dead. I would be dealing with cartel. They'd kill me. You know, and I had, I got out of school.

I quit school. Yeah. Quit high school? Yeah. And I had a big. Why'd you quit? That must have been fucking horrible. Because I never went of school. I quit school. Yeah. Quit high school? Yeah. And I had a big- Why'd you quit? That must have been fucking horrible. Because I never went to class.

I just went there to party and socialize. What'd your fucking mom do when you quit school? She didn't give a fuck. No one gave a fuck? No. What the fuck? I mean, I was- Were you out of the house?

Were you working? I started a- Well, I went to school until 12th grade. Right. And then I left. I just went to school to sell pot. I know, but I didn't know. You left until 12th grade. Right. And then I left. I just went to school to sell pot. I know, but I didn't know. You left in 12th grade.

Yeah. When they graduated, I was supposed to go back one more year. And I drove into the parking lot. I said, get me the fuck out. I'm out. Yeah. And I was a pretty good carpenter. Yeah.

And I worked for my grandfather who remodeled houses. Yeah. And I started my own business. When I was 21, 22. Carpenter. Painting houses, basically. Yeah. And I worked for my grandfather who remodeled houses. Yeah. And I started my own business. When I was 21, 22. Carpenter. Painting houses, basically. Yeah. And carpentry, roofing.

But when I was 22, I had seven guys working for me. Yeah. I was a good businessman. I knew how. Yeah. You know, I had one of the biggest painting businesses in town doing Victorian houses. Yeah. Beautiful.

Three, four colors. I'd have three crews going, you know, but I was a fuck up. I take, I take the money deposits and buy Coke and party, you know, I knew how to sell. I knew how to sell and get the gig to get, to get, to get the house. Like I would go in the winter, I would go in the winter. I would go in the winter, and I would line up all the houses for the spring. Yeah. And people would give me deposits in the winter. And I'd fucking blow it, because I didn't have rent, partying.

Yeah. Then it came time to paint our house. I'd fucking say Benjamin Moore paint, but I'd pour $4 paint into Benjamin Moore cans. You were cutting the paint too. I was fucking, I was cutting the paint. I was cutting coke. But the business, I had a great, we did great work. I mean, the funeral homes in town,

and then it just fell apart because of drugs. When did you meet your first wife? After I got sober. Oh yeah? Yeah, so the drugs escalated from partying, coke, then I started comedy. And where did you start? I booked a couple one-nighters. What do you mean?

You didn't do open mics? You didn't do nothing? Oh, yeah, yeah. I went to, there was like one open mic, but then I realized if I book some one-nighters, I could host them, get on stage, and make money at the same time. So you book headliners? Yeah, I booked some rooms in Jersey, and I had guys, Joe Bolster, Dennis Wolfberg. Fucking Mulroney came, right? Yeah.

And he brings this opening act. And this opening act goes, I don't know if you know this, but I work Catch the Rising Star. Okay? So you're lucky. I go, look, you're making fucking $60. Shut up.

And it was fucking Jenny. It was Jenny? Yeah. Mulroney brought him out and says, oh, but I go, look, well, you're making $60 tonight. Like, I didn't know him. You know, I had Jack Cohen,

who was real energetic. Yeah, I remember him. He's a showrunner, I think. He's a writer. Yeah, he was. Tonight Show. Yeah. I had Jack Cohen, who was real energetic. Yeah, I remember him. He's a showrunner, I think. He's a writer. Yeah, he was. Tonight Show. I had Max Alexander. I gave him his first paying gig.

Max Alexander? His first paying gig. I had Rob Bartlett. I had, I mean, big, big acts. At that time? Yes. Because you're mentioning names I bet no one's ever heard of. Yeah.

Max Alexander. What happened to that guy? I haven't seen him in a long... He's got to be out here. Rob Bartlett. Where's Rob Bartlett? Well, no, he does heard of. Yeah. Max Alexander. What happened to that guy? I haven't seen him in a long... He's got to be out here. Rob Bartlett. Where's Rob Bartlett? Well, no, he does Imus. He does radio. Rob Bartlett. He's been doing radio forever. Yeah. Nice guy. The nicest guy. I mean,

yeah, Mike Langworthy, that are all... Steve Scrooge. And all these guys became writers. He's out here. Yeah. They became writers. So you're pulling these New York guys and booking these rooms so you could do 10 minutes. So I could host. And then there was other guys that book rooms like me like phil selman dennis ross all these guys yeah joey novik yeah so i would trade them work and they would give me work at their places so you could you could feature there or or host right i would have

them host my room and i host hers so now i'm starting to starting to work you know so it's like a one-nighter network yeah it was all one-nighters yeah balazzo had them gary stanley had them which i i where were these where were they where throughout jersey but what kind of rooms bars with hotels i did comedy bars and but some of them were great yeah some of them were really good so you're a one-nighter booker. I booked one-nighters. Yeah. Yeah. I got to make money on this. So I went into places. I go, look, do you want to run comedy here? I can get you to comics.

Yeah. And we'll do Tuesday night. So you were a guy. There was a time where people were like, you ever done Voss's Room? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I wanted to be a comic. People wanted to come.

It was easy. You go from Jersey. Just go to Jersey. Yeah. Drive in from New York. Like, there was a whole network of gigs. Because they're not making a fortune running around club to club. Why not do a one-nighter in Jersey?

So you're 25, 26 years old? No, I got to be 28, I think. Okay. 28, 29. Yeah. And then I just started working. And then I hooked up going on the road doing MC gigs. Yeah.

Like for Sandy DiPerna. And I'd go to Lubbock, Texasas sandy diperna booked uh charlie goodnights and and she booked uh uh richmond uh downstairs yeah yeah the virginia yeah yeah so i i i i hooked up with her yeah somehow then i hooked up in texas i did some uh good humor bars i worked with Hicks like a couple times. At the workshop or the comedy? No, good humor bar in Lubbock, Texas. Oh, okay. And somewhere else.

Yeah, how was that? It was amazing. Hicks, we went to a 7-Eleven and something happened and his girlfriend was breaking up. Well, whatever happened to him in 7-Eleven, he went on stage the next night. Yeah. And did probably 10 minutes on this and I'm watching him going I'll never be this

funny as long as I live and I don't even know how long he was doing comedy at the time his girlfriend he was back in Texas so he was probably in his 20s his girlfriend broke up with him he was miserable it's a true story he wanted to pick up a hooker or something so we get in the cab

he goes you want to ride with me I go. So we get in the cab. He goes, you want to ride with me? I go, okay. So we're in the cab, and the cab drivers took you to prostitutes in Lubbock. They knew. So he goes to the first place. The lady opens the door, looks at him, goes, you're too young, and slammed the door on him. Gets back in the cab.

The next place the cab driver takes takes him to the lady opens the door looks at him goes you're a cop slams the door and he does a whole bit on how even hookers won't fuck him right yeah and i'm watching this guy and it was i'm just amazed at how good he is yeah back you know he was so far people listen to him now these comics they go oh i don't see it well guess what you fucking idiot it was 30 years ago, okay? Or 25 years ago. He had a real clarity and a real confidence to his delivery and a very poetic way of looking at things.

And even when he was improvising, it was so well put together. Yeah. Yeah. But just his cadence, too, just the way he moved. Good rhythm. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was at catch the rising star one night and and and brenner went on in new york yeah yeah and david brenner what was this the 80s

yeah it had to be 80s yeah brenner went on yeah killed it was david brenner in the prime yeah so now bill hicks go bill hicks is next yeah and he walks on stage and his opening line is you know growing up as a comic, I would see Robert Klein and David Brenner and I'm thinking if these fucking guys can do it,

so can I. Right. That's right after Brenner. Then he's doing the whole Nancy Reagan anorexic cunt bit and all this stuff. People are flying out the door like they yelled fire.

Yeah. Right? The girl that's going on next after him, Jetta Jones. Yeah. She's pacing. She's fucking a mess. So he gets off and off and hicks i swear to god he comes up to me he goes what the fuck went wrong he couldn't understand he couldn't understand why he emptied the room in new york

but it's a funny thing is too like he didn't know he emptied the room he had a hard time in new york they didn't know what to do with him no but, but it's so funny, just the business. And the whole business is, in a nutshell, is what the one creative director said to him. He emptied a room and the creative director said, you could work here anytime. Anytime you want, you could. Because he's Bill Hicks.

Right. And he's got that reputation. He's Bill Hicks. Yeah. You could work hereicks. Right. And he's got that reputation. He's Bill Hicks. Yeah. You could work here any time. Right. So, you know, so then now I'm doing comedy. I got into Dangerfields.

Yeah. Hiram got me into Dangerfields because I give him coke and party with him. Well, first Heenan got me into the- Dave Heenan? Yeah, into the Bitter End. Oh, my God. I haven't heard that name in a long time. Dave fucking Heenan.

He does cruises. Still alive? Yeah. Good. Yeah. Yeah, Dave Heenan. to the bitter end oh my god i haven't heard that name in a long time fucking heenan he does cruises still alive yeah good yeah yeah dave heenan uh he got me he got me gigs at the bitter end in new york uh-huh then hyrum gave me on a danger fields and so would heenan and then i never i never worked there dark place depressing yeah the improv you know i might have done the improv was was still like going how how good a shape was it in? It was cool. It was a cool room. So it's the 80s.

Yeah. And when I did Knicks, though, I was on drugs when I was doing Knicks. You were? Yeah. I was a coke addict. I would do coke with all those guys. I'd buy coke from that guy. In the parking lot?

The guy they killed up there. I don't want the mic. Yeah. guy in the parking lot the guy they killed up there i don't want you know the mike yeah you know i do drugs with uh i was a i would stay at the biltmore right behind or the there was a crack hotel right behind the comedy connection right and i'd go up there and i just i was fucking horrible i mean i got so many bad drug stories from boston i met a girl i'll tell you the story i met her at plums i'm doing a one night at plums i have all this money i go where can we get coke she goes i don't know i go i do and we drove to new york from fucking worcester i fucking spent all my money i gotta drive her fucking back on sunday and still finish my i'm right by my house i gotta drive back to boston uh my nose starts

bleeding pouring out. Now we're trying to get heroin in fucking Hartford. We just want to get anything just to come down. And I drop her off, and I do one more night in Boston. No fucking money. And I drive home. My suitcase is closed in a fucking shopping bag. And I think I ended up going to rehab maybe a couple weeks after that.

What year would that be? 29 years sober. 29 years sober. 86. So I saw you were sober at Nick's, dude. Was I sober? Yeah, because I wasn't working until 88. Okay.

So then, yeah, because that's when you gave me the barbecue shirt. Yeah, the red bones? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We kind of hit it off. I got along with you. Yeah, yeah. You seemed like, for some reason, there was a couple shirt. Yeah, the Red Bones? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. I don't know. We kind of hit it off. I got along with you.

Yeah, yeah. You seemed like, for some reason, there was a couple people I hit it off with in Boston. Yeah. You were like newly sober. How do you like that? You're all tweaky.

I left out the whole Frankie Bastille in all those stories. What about Bastille? I ran with that guy. Well, because he would take young comics under his wings. Right.

Manipulate them as much as he could to get drug money yeah heroin money yeah i drove him once i picked him up he wrecked his car in mystic connecticut or something i picked him and karen up i didn't even know what was going on drove them to the lower east side he scored heroin got back into my car sweating we went to jimmy tingle's house not expecting us and frankie bangs on the door and says, I got to take a shower. Tingle, who's sober. I mean, I got Frankie stories. Oh, so I mean, we took, I've told this story a million times. We were in New York.

We're doing a one-nighter. Yeah. I'm driving. Yeah. We pick up this comic. Yeah. Do the gig. And on the way back, we're supposed to drop him at the improv.

I go, hold on. We're going to make a couple stops. Yeah. So I drove up to Harlem. Yeah. Right. And fucking, you know, I'm buying crack. buying crack yeah you know there's fucking guys running around smoking the crack i was that was a crack yeah uh or freebase whatever you want to call it yeah and and then so he's like get me the fuck out of here get me you know and then uh you know it's just a little white kid from arizona yeah doing a one-nighter yeah and then frankie we after he's

dropped me off we go one more stop and we went to Lower East Side and Frankie got heroin so now Frankie's in the backseat shooting dope yeah he's fucking panicking yeah can you please drop me off again yeah we're done and it was it was Spade when he first came I just saw him last night yeah and when I saw it was him right and when I I saw him I saw him at the cellar like maybe four weeks ago yeah he goes you guys held me hostage and he even remembered a gig we did it was bf packies yeah one nighter for gary grant so frank terrified him he was just some little white kid doing props yeah yeah he was a prop he did props yeah. Welcome to comedy. Welcome to comedy. So we took him hostage.

Yeah. And then I started running. Now I'm working, getting spots all over. I'm a fucking horrible headliner with energy. Just whatever it takes. Trying to figure it out? Yeah. When I saw you, you weren't moving.

Like you said you went through a Hickson. It must have been before. When I saw you, the first time I saw you, you were smoking on stage in between jokes, and you were standing real still, which is, I think, why I made the Dice Association. No, it's probably, I was probably in my deadpan stuff. Right, I think that was it.

I kind of, because I liked writing deadpan jokes. I just didn't know how to deliver them. It's so funny, because so many people go through a deadpan thing. It's a control thing. You know what I mean? You know exactly what that tone is. You're just going to drop the shit. You don't have to get behind it at all really.

If you're riding in a cab and the driver goes in reverse, does he owe you money? Right. Yeah. I bought a wood stove. I only got to use it once. They were so easy to write too. Yeah. You thought you were Stephen Wright but he was so fucking clever,

you couldn't be Stephen Wright. Right. Because he was at another level. Yeah. You could be that kind of delivery, but you could never be as brilliant as he was. So you got sober how long before you meet the woman and become your wife, the first wife?

Oh, so this is, I was off on a Sunday night, and they had a one day comedy night Sunday night at a place called Charter House or whatever in Jersey. And I went to go just hang out with Paul Lyons and watch Paul Lyons work.

I remember him. What happened to that guy? He's out writing or doing whatever. Was he in a cult for a while or something? Was he? Paul?

Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else. I think he just came out like bisexual online, which doesn't mean anything. Maybe that was the vibe I was getting. The closeted vibe. But he did the best Barney Fife.

Okay. He did the best Barney Fife. Yeah. So I went to hang out and there was a girl sitting at the end of the bar. She looked like Cheryl Teagues. She was fucking so beautiful.

Yeah. And I either bought her a drink or said, let's go out to breakfast. I took her to the diner. Did you tell her you'd give her a head in the car? No, this was, I wasn't, no, not with her. You didn't have to. Oh, wait, wait, let me back up real quick. Let me just back up real quick.

Don't go down on your car in the car after we eat eggs. Let me back up. When I got out of rehab, I had like four or five months sober i was doing this other club white house white house station or something i met this girl kathy mark you couldn't have been any better looking than this fucking girl yeah prom queen head cheerleader yeah vala whatever they call it valedictorian valedictorian i mean everything yeah she lived up in the hills she had a built-in pool a pool table you know this is like the fresh air fun to me this is hitting lotto yeah this fucking girl is smoking yeah out of her mind eating disorders

yeah out of her mind yeah just complete crazy and her history i know why i don't want to get into it but she was out of her mind yeah and i'm in this relationship four months sober and i'm not supposed to be doing this yeah but i've never had someone that's good looking i know yeah you know i married one yeah and i'm like this is fucking amazing but it was total insanity i mean we fought i was jealous i still am in life i still still got to work on jealousy. It's a fucking horrible thing. It is.

Cancer. It's distrust. It's distrust. It's insecurity. Yeah. Well, it's also, too, my mom. Are you talking jealousy in relationships or jealousy in general? Well, in general, I'm working on that.

Yeah. That and in relationships, the distrust is what I got from my mom as a kid doing what she did to us as kids. Right. But she did do the best she could for a single mom back in the 60s. Okay. So it was crazy. Yeah. Just crazy.

You know, we got in a big fight one day and she called her friend and she goes, I'm going to kill myself. Wait till your friend gets here because I'm going to get in fucking blame. Just insanity. I was watching your back for this. I'm going to kill myself. Wait till your friend gets here because I'm going to get in fucking blame. Just insanity. Always watching your back for this. I'm not going to jail. Can we get pictures of you doing it? Is there a video camera around? So I got out of that.

I could not let go of this relationship in my head. You know, she was crazy. But I was on my mind so mixed up i did drugs for how many years but look what do you mean it's mixed up it's emotionally is what it is and where you come from i you know the crazier ones leave the most impact and you can't it's hard to let them go i don't know how not to be with a crazy person i still i'm still working on it it's but when they leave when you get out of that bad situation, you're going, why am I feeling worse? Right. Why am I feeling worse? Well, you like the engagement.

Yeah. Being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Yeah. Because that's what I grew up in. Right. An uncomfortable life. And if you don't have it, you'll make it that way. You'll make it, yes.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. You will fucking twist things. Yeah. Fucking throw a monkey wrench. Right. It's just the perfect thing in life. That's true, man.

You just do it. Yeah. You do it. I got to fight that every day. Because how can I fucking sabotage this? I'm not good enough. Right, but it's a weird way to look at sabotage because it's not just sabotage.

It's sort of like, how can I get back to my comfort zone of feeling like a fucking asshole and having chaos around me? Yeah, because it's going too good. It's too smooth. But it's just not what I'm used to. You not comfortable with you don't have to you don't you've never experienced that as like joy and that kind of shit it's like it's uncomfortable yeah yeah it's uncomfortable because yeah you don't know it right you don't know it right it's just like if i walked on hot coals right now that would be uncomfortable because i don't know it right but but it's

interesting to look at self-sabotage because self-sabotage, it's always easy to blame yourself. I'm going to fuck it up. But wait, the thing behind self-sabotage is like, I need to get back to what I'm used to. Yeah, but it's not only that. It's let me do this so when they say no, it's because I made them say no. Yeah, I have control of it.

I'm the reason they said no not because of them because of what they see because they don't they don't know and i'm talking mostly you know right now i'm talking uh entertainment or they don't know jobs they don't know i know right okay so this is how i'm doing it my way even if they tell me to do it their way fuck them they don't know well that's but that's i was just talking to my brother about this this morning that's the way fucked up people parent themselves is they say they they stink you know because because this is this might blow your mind but i've talked about it with other people when your parents are not present for you emotionally or otherwise you know

when you're a real little kid you got to think your parents are the best because they're your parents yes so if they're not if they're fucking up the only person you can blame is yourself you like and then you carry that with you that's how you treat yourself that's your total center damn is is that's your i'm fine i fucked it all up yeah uh so and and you do it and you and you try to you try to fight hey how do not fuck yourself i was in a meeting once with bonnie and she's just the same she's fucked up in her head. She's got to be as a comic. We're in this fucking meeting. You couldn't be any more white guy,

the Asian guy, the black guy, and the lady or whatever colors they were. But it was a mixture. Exactly. Talent. And the first,

they said to Bonnie, where are you from? The first line she says is, my mom's pussy. Okay. Why would you say that okay to these fucking squares okay they'll want to give us a deal or want to work with us and that fucking meaning was that but she's she's even worse i mean she's fucking worse so that's why i love her because

she's so fucked up like when we find the same victim together that we can attack as a team, it just brings us together. Like the love. The joy in your heart. The joy in our hearts when we're going after the same person. When you hate the same person. When we're fucking in the car going,

oh, this is, you know, and we'll go, you know, on our radio show, we'll attack someone or a podcast, whatever. So let's, let me try to get back to where I was at. So you had the bad thing with the anorexic girl. With the anorexic and i met my first wife kelly cheryl teague at the end of the bar very nicest girl but she had another one great person great mom now i was just with her last

week how old is that your kid with her i have two 24 and 22 you have two kids with her one with bonnie yeah okay but she was she was she was married at 17 to her first husband that you have two kids with her one with bonnie yeah okay but she was she was she was married at 17 to her first husband that you have a kid with him yeah so i had a step kid i had a step kid okay she just got into wrong situations and she i guess had codependent issues in life yeah you know and i'm not a therapist and but then we got married had two kids i'm working doing fucking one-nighters doing whatever i can staying sober though that's pretty amazing yeah i'm traveling i did this fucking gig i'm in now i'm doing road gigs and i remember being in florida just uh i i drive down i get there the gig is it's like uh uh there's puppets behind the curtain. It's Chuck E. Cheese, right?

I'm going, this is fucking, and all I hear on the radio that week, and I think it's with her or one of my girls, Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner taping their HBO specials in Miami. And I keep hearing that, and I'm like fucking want to blow my brains out because I'm doing a puppet house,

but I'm not as good as them. I'm not as good as a comic as they are yeah uh you know i'm scared they're gonna do their shows and come in for pizza and see me and so i do this fucking horrible gig then i do a gig in homestead yeah i want yahoos i fucking 45 minutes fucking bomb a bomb then the owner comes yahoos it was a bunch of yahoos in the one the owner comes up big ex-cop grabs my hand holding my hand after says to the audience i think you were very rude to him apologize he'll do another 20 minutes i don't even have it i so i fucking that was a nightmare then i had to drive to Key Biscayne. Right? Apologize.

He'll do another 20. So I'm in Key Biscayne. I'm fucking at my breaking point. Some girl comes walking by the stage in hot pants with a wooden leg, and she starts heckling me. Come on. Who makes this up? Right. And I'm fucking losing. I attack her.

I'm driving. You attack her. I mean, verbally, not physically. From the stage. I'll beat you with your fucking bad leg or whatever. I don't know what I attack her. I'm driving. You attack her. I mean, verbally, not physically. From the stage. I'll beat you with your fucking bad leg or whatever. I don't know what I said. It was 30 years, 20. I'm driving home back.

And on the radio comes Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. And tears just come pouring down. Tears. I'm just fucking crying. Okay. Because. All of it. okay because all of it because all of it and i got these kids at home and a fucking house in a house in a blue collar area where people are driving by do get out of the neighborhood really yes it was right by pennsy It was real blue collar. The guy next door that lived next to me, his nephew had a big fucking swastika tattoo. How'd you end up there?

The houses were cheap. It was towards Pennsylvania. All right. I don't fucking know. I follow my ex-wife. You know, I just didn't. I couldn't make a decision, a smart one, a rational one. Because I still have the mind maybe of a 20-year-old.

Because what do I have? Four years sober? You know, whatever. A lot to do in that early sobriety. Yeah, I have four or five years sober. I meet somebody. I've never owned a house. You have two kids right away?

Yeah, pretty close, yeah. Yeah, fucking they're the greatest. They are just the best kids. How old are they? 24 and what? 24 and 22. I went to my one daughter's graduation on friday and my other daughter graduated last year early my 22 year old graduated early dean's list all the time

i mean and she called me the other day she moved down to houston with her boyfriend she quit her job at macy's she calls me the other day and says i was offered a job 50 000 a year she's 22 in fucking houston that's worth 75 000 in new york you know and whatever and i'm just i'm so proud of my two daughters they're good kids they've never ever seen me high they've never seen me drunk i used to take them to meetings when they were young because i had them in the day yeah my life was my kids right okay you get a good relationship with them yeah you know and with the ex-wife too oh yeah when bonnie and i got married uh i i moved close to my ex-wife i moved two miles from her so i could be by my kids i i always lived close to my my kids and then my

ex-wife got remarried to a canadian and i moved two miles from them and then i got married to bonnie we had a kid she's Canadian yeah we are I know we turn each other off to Americans or we both went low budget so but my ex-wife used to babysit our our daughter so that that divorce was an acrimonious yeah because she was already divorced once we didn't have anything any money or anything so we did our own contract yeah you know we and we had it notarized or whatever you never hear that yeah well we didn't have anything well you've always you've always done well no that when i first divorced i had nothing and i just gave it to her yeah the second divorce was your career i've always admired your career because you always worked you always had

yeah but i was it was it was kind of scrambly i mean i got like tv gigs and stuff but i was you know as a comic i wasn't making a lot of money. And the first divorce, I wrote that book, but I made $30,000 for that, for that first book. That's all I made. And I gave it, like whatever I had, I just gave to her and said, I'm sorry. And I entered that second thing with nothing. Now, I don't want to bring up names. Was your first divorce, I didn't know, and your second divorce?

No, you knew Mishnah. Yeah. You didn't know Kim, no. Oh, okay. They're both all alright now. I don't talk to Mishnah, obviously. There's no reason to. But the first one, I see her because she's my brother's first

wife's best friend. My brother has kids. Whatever. I see her family things. She's doing good. And I think Mishnah's doing good. Well, and you didn't have kids, so you could easily break away. I knew that for the rest of my life i'll be dealing with with my ex-wife so i go yeah i mean in the beginning i said things that i shouldn't have said we had you know right you know and i apologized to her i go you know whatever yeah i'm not saying i'm fucking gandhi i made mistakes and i was an asshole too you know but the bottom

line was it didn't get it it didn't destroy the kids. Like you said, this is an important point was that, you know, you set out to do it differently than your parents. But I also see. Right. A hundred percent. You're right. And even in the divorce, you had a commitment to your children.

And you didn't let even the divorce destroy that. Not at all. My wife, I would have them in the day and then my wife would have them at night and you know i'd spend christmas eve i'd sleep there we we were back and forth me and her sexually and dating you know she kept me on her insurance for five years then she said look we got to finalize this you know because we stayed separated for five years but we did a lot with our kids together or i have them you know and throughout this whole time, and I pass over this. When I was 21, I had a major anxiety attack.

And I went to the hospital. But back then, they didn't know what anxiety was. Yeah. They gave you a fucking Thorazine Haldol. They thought you were nuts. Right. So, crazy shit. I mean, I was just, I thought I was losing my mind.

And I have anxiety in life. Then when I was 40 my i watched my kids every day yeah they were out of the house in school you know during school now now i have the whole day what am i going to do yeah and i'm going i'm 40 years old my career sucks yeah i have nothing going on and the anxiety came back really bad yeah and i was ready to quit comedy or i didn't know what i was gonna start painting again i didn't know what I was going to do. Were you going to start painting again? I didn't fucking know. I was just so scared. I had that moment like five years ago

where you're like, I can't get work. What are you going to do? It's insane. I go through that now. I fucking, I can't, and listen,

I built up a pretty good fucking resume and I don't fail on stage, but there's some fucking cocksucking headliner that will do it for $1,200 and go go in but a lot of these clubs aren't smart enough to figure you know what i want i'm going to sell that many more tickets right but that's besides the point because i'm a survivor and you're like you're a survivor yeah you figured out a fucking way yeah to to do it on your own terms yeah everything i do or we do me

and bonnie or we do so we made our own movie no one fucking we made this movie and it's a fucking hit it's it's a hit on netflix what's it called women aren't funny you know i've done four cds all myself sure okay uh our pilots we write yeah we come up with the ideas and just i can't tell me production companies want to work with us so you create your own fucking destiny you don't let the business do it that's why i used to love like uh dane and all those redneck guys and all that i'm not whatever they did on stage i can't tell you because I never watched. I never, I couldn't tell you one joke from Dane and I couldn't tell you

one joke from Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah. But what they did that I respect is went around the business and created their own opportunities.

Yeah. Okay, so, and I feel that in life as an entertainer, there's no ending to what you can do on your own. I'm not going to let fucking the improvs fucking dictate.

I won't do them. I would if they called me. They just won't call me. You know what I mean? But you're doing theaters. You get to do theaters now. Yeah, it's just new. That just happened.

It's the first time. It's great. I, it's just new. That just happened. It's the first time. It's great. I got no complaints occupationally. I'm happy to be making a living. You're doing this. But I always see you. The one thing about you, you've always been a very decent guy.

Thank you. But that's a lot to say. There's a lot of monsters in this business, but you're a sweet guy. Thanks. I don't know how that's possible, but it's true. Well, because you know what? In this business but you're a sweet guy thanks well yeah i don't know how that's possible but it's fine well because you know what here's the in this business but innately you're a sweet guy you care about people you know you took care of your kids you're always straight you know what

i mean like you've got your demons or whatever but yeah you know the relationship with your daughters now you have a new baby what's that like how old's that she's seven how's that going she's great she's so funny she's the fucking she did this oh you want to hear a funny story we were she's we're in uh amsterdam doing this festival yeah so whatever fucking the fly by night festival in there yeah so uh me bonnie and we brought reina and so i'm talking with tom rhodes yeah and then bonnie later says to me uh i don't think Tom Rhodes likes me. I go, what the fuck?

Nah, he's always talking to you. I just don't think he likes you. Look, I've known Tom forever. Nah, he just doesn't like me. I don't think he likes me. I go, well, you're wrong. Yeah. So later on that night,

I had another gig and Bonnie and Raina went back to the hotel. Yeah. So Raina goes, all right, watch this, Bonnie. I'm Tom Rose. Yeah. And she goes, I'm Tom Rose.

Richard, I love you. You're the greatest. You're the best. Hi, Bonnie. You are Tom Rose. Ignoring her. I know. You are so funny.

You're so good. Hello, Bonnie. And she kept getting so fucking funny she writes bits she's seven she said to Bonnie you should go on stage with a cast on your arm

a cast on your leg roll out in a wheelchair and say to the people you should feel sorry for me i'm married she knows your your stick she's fucking she's great she's so much fun yeah she's seven i like i can't you hold her and you kiss her and you play you know what i mean yeah she's just a fucking doll yeah she really is uh i don't have a lot of time for her but you know no bonnie's raising her you know because i'm on the road trying to you know earn a living yeah bonnie she has a book deal she's got so much fucking heat right now from this movie and you know she's just well she's brilliant but you guys are good together you're

good the relationship's solid yeah we fight we're you. Two comics. But you're good. Yes, we're good. Yeah, 10 years, we're good. Yeah. Yeah, we work. We have our own separate careers. We do stuff together. I have to work on jealousy issues.

I'm not resentment, anger, jealousy. Like business or like dudes? Both, both, both. Especially even business too like you know hard when they do you know when they're doing well she's getting all this heat i'm going you know we did a pilot i can't wait why can't we be more pimp like it and say like that's right baby bring the money yeah wait we gotta be like what about me no i don't want the fuck is wrong with it i don't want the fucking money i don't care about the money i want look i have to have one fucking

tv show before i quit this fucking business. Yeah. We did the pilot with True TV. Yeah. I go, this is getting picked up. Just a couple I've done.

So now we're back in Vegas. So you're at Brad Garrett. No, but it didn't get picked up. But next thing you know, True TV's calling Bonnie to do a bunch of stuff. I'm going,

what the fuck? Did they hate me? But was this the pilot when you were about to do the weekend at Brad Garrett's? Yeah, that pilot. That's the one they called

and said it's not happening? Yeah, we did one 10 years ago. We've done a bunch of... I've done whatever. You know the deal in this fucking business. It's so hard to get a show on TV. It's so fucking hard. Yeah.

But she's so good with the kid. I'm bouncing all over the place, but she's great with our kid. She knows how to make crafts. She's brilliant. with the kid i'm bouncing all over the place but she's great with our kid because she's she knows how to make crafts she's brilliant yeah she's she's a mom how's her mom do you get how the grandparents now well they love they well my mom's out dad's out right yeah no my dad's still he sees the kid yeah yeah yeah uh you're okay with your dad? Yeah, he's a little bit of a narcissist, but he's in his 80s, so I try to bring the kid to New York as much as I can. It's not a lot, but he'll see the kid, yeah. But you're okay with him?

Yeah. You made amends? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, my mother's in a nursing home. I go, look, I love you. I'm sorry. She can't talk back. But I guess guess you know

right you got it it's so hard my sister is hanging on to resentment and anger more than i am yeah uh but i realize they did the best they could i guess or they just didn't know right they didn't that's better they didn't know they didn't know they didn't do the best they could you're right that's i hate that saying you too. It took a long time. Yeah, I hate that. Because people used to say that. I don't know if they did the best they could. No, you're right.

I don't think they tried at all. I think they just took it for granted and they didn't know what they were doing. Yeah, you're right. I don't always do the best I can. I could have the other day stayed home, but I went and played golf. I just got back. I just played on the road. So, you know.

That's what you could say. It's like, look look they fed me i survived yeah really yeah yeah oh here's i had a house yeah that's the best they could do how about how about maybe a you know it's so fucking unbelievable my daughter doesn't realize how much shit we do with her my parents didn't do that yeah we play sit and play games with her we take we've taken her to fucking europe florida here they are all over yeah she sees the world yeah she sees comics she's how about your older kids they get along with the kids yeah my older kids are great they love her they're good kids you know they'll come over i mean they i do have to pay them when they babysit but they're good

kids yeah you know uh you know they're just good i got you know they drink they party like like normal right you know they're not full-blown alcoholics or drugs like me right uh i don't think they do any type of drugs i'm pretty sure you know they saw you working so hard not yeah right they heard it let's go either way you know it goes yeah yeah there's no there's no rhyme or reason for addiction. No one knows. So what are you doing out here? So I came out here.

I'm supposed to work this weekend in a comedy club. So I came out early. I always wanted to do this and do a couple spots. And then I'm going up to Ventura comedy club yeah and doing that friday saturday sunday i heard about that place supposed to be good uh uh hopefully as well hopefully hopefully hopefully you know i don't get there in the whole because i'm doing a door deal you know and next thing well these were all groupons yeah you know you do a fucking door deal and it's you know yeah the door deals are you're like uh oh no no this this is college night oh no this is military

night so what is the deal what's the door deal 200 200 hours no it's it's it's whatever verse 50 of the door yeah but if half the door came in on fucking groupon and passes you know whatever yeah but i get to come out to california hang i don't get Groupon and passes, you know, whatever. But I get to come out to California, hang out. I don't get out here that much, you know, because I'm on the road or I'm in New York, you know. So you can go speak tonight at a thing? Yeah, I'm speaking at this... At a rehab.

Promise is big rehab. Is it? Yeah. Well, I think I've heard of it. I've never been over there, but it's like I hear of it in people's stories. Yeah. And then, well, you got people you hang out with out here? Oh, yeah, tons. You know, I play golf out here. You do? Yeah. You then, well, you got people you hang out with out here? Oh, yeah, tons.

You know, I play golf out here. You do? Yeah. You love golf? Oh, fuck yeah. That's what... I can get five hours. I don't have to deal with anything.

I'm out there for four hours. People love it. I mean, I've talked to a few other people. Who do you play with? Out here, I play with Court. This guy, Court McCarron. I know Court, yeah. He's great.

Or I'll play with Dunkelman. I love playing with Dunkelman. Yeah. Because he's more miserable than me. he's fucking he's great playing with him courts of courts never he's miserable but you don't know it he's such a waspy dude yeah he's he could you can't get any whiter than that yeah he's something i'm sure he's a good player he's fucking he's like a scratch golf he's like really good it's unbelievable he looks like he should be good if he was that good in comedy,

he'd be selling out theaters. Do you play with Kirk Fox? You know Kirk? I played with him once. How's he? I played with him once. He seemed like a cool guy. Yeah, he's a golfer and tennis guy.

He's a tennis guy. Yeah, you play Ray Romano? No, no. That's out of your pay grade? No, I would play with him. I just said, how are we going to? I played last time I was in town. I love this guy, Campanaro. Yeah, John Campanaro.

Yeah, from Chicago. Funny guy. Funny from Chicago. Yeah, yeah. I played with him a couple times. Yeah, yeah. I fucking, he's funny, man. He is really funny.

I like him. Yeah. You know, I. He's been funny for a long time, too. Fucking from day one, I met him. This guy was funny. Yeah, 30 years already. He's got to be in it as long as you.

Yeah, you know, it's guys. He's on the road all the time, right? He's doing boats. Is he? Yeah, he's doing boats. Uh-huh. You know, I was talking to a certain, I remember doing a thing with Mendoza. It's good to know that you'll never be able to do boats, right?

I can't never do a boat. Well, one, I fucking, I have anxiety. You designed your act so you can't do it anywhere. Not a fucking shitty comedy club. No. Listen, I could be sparkling clean. I could do. No, you can't do it anywhere. No. You're a fucking shitty comedy club. No. Listen, I could be sparkling clean. I could do... No, you can't.

Yes, 100%. I won't be politically correct, but I could be sparkling clean. Yeah. Okay? I've been doing this 30 years. There's nothing I can't fucking do on stage. Yeah.

There's nothing I can't do. Okay? I don't care if it's a black knife fight or a fucking Jewish bar mitzvah. I know how to fucking do it. I've done it. Yeah. I have four CDs.

My last CD, even though there wasn't much, I took all the crowd work out because I just want straight material because I've already accomplished crowd work. Yeah.

I know I could do it. It's a skill you need to have. It's a survival skill. Yeah. And I could do it as well as any comic pretty much. I mean, Brogan was good at it. Sure.

Belzer was good at it. Right. Big J. Yeah. But I'd rather now just move on to- Do material. Yeah.

So what were you going to say about Dice? No, no. The thing is, I was listening to one of your podcasts and- When I talked to Dice. Yeah, yeah. And I associated you with- Well, a lot of East Coast, you opened the door for guys like Voss and- Florentine.

I don't know if you said Florentine. Maybe Norton. Yeah. Voss and I don't know if you said Florentine. Maybe Norton. Yeah. And people, well, people used to say, you know, compare me to Slayton. Yeah.

United Ice, you know, because we did crowd work and we're both aggressive. I love Slayton. Yeah. He fucking called me. What a fight. Oh, this guy. He called me two weeks ago. He says, out of nowhere, he goes, hey, man, I thought of you. I got two tickets for

book of mormon i can't go tonight do you want them fuck yeah he gave me two tickets you know to see the musical yeah so who'd you go with bonnie yeah i took bonnie but it was right before mother's day and i fucked up and i should have said to bonnie guess what i got i got you a mother's day present yeah but then i let her know that slayton gave it to us and and you know slayton you didn't fuck up slayton is you know he's bobby saying he's he he's got his own legendary he's another guy he's just he's a sweetheart like you yeah these guys he's venomous fucks he's a doll it's fucking doll yeah so i i compare to them but you find who you are you talk on stage i talk you know i'll do some crowd work if it comes

up i'll talk about you know uh recovery i'll talk about my kids i thought whatever i know i know but like i think during at some point the reason i made the association because i felt that maybe you were going through a little bit of that well when you saw me back then i mean when we did that podcast you got something against dice not a no not at at all. Oh, yeah, no, I don't like him. Yeah, no, fuck him. Matter of fact, when we were at Florentine's wedding, he goes, comics, take a picture, all the comics. And Bonnie went to get in, and he goes, no, just the guy comics.

Fuck you. So then Bonnie did a joke, a Twitter joke. I'm going to go, oh, something on the New York Post that Dice is, but it was a joke. Yeah. Then Dice is on fucking ONA, Trash and Bonnie, and Norton and Obey are going, no, you don't get her. She's being funny.

Yeah. So, you know, I'm not a big fan. Look, I have nothing. It's a different life. You know what? He doesn't live in my head rent-free. I don't give a fuck about him. He's a legend.

Dice is a legend. He sold out Madison Square Garden. He has done things in comedy that 99% of the comics won't do. So you cannot take that away from what he has done in this business. But so that's a whole different level that's a personal thing sure as a comic he has accomplished right what i mean i i could only imagine sure selling out the garden right so but if you're rude like this comic last week or two weeks ago brought my wife on stage and said you might recognize her uh from two girls in a cup uh and it's where and then i saw him the other night i go and i i go you don't introduce my wife that way my wife has has worked hard enough to build a little respect in this fucking

business okay you're not one of our close friends yeah if bobby kelly said that or colin yeah or fucking norton yeah you know but you know and i wasn't i bobby kelly said that or colin yeah or fucking norton yeah you know but you know and i wasn't i wasn't like gonna fight him or me i just said look she's earned enough respect she's done three lettermans hbo comedy sometimes she's fucking made a movie you know what i mean treat her like a fucking comic like a comic not some fucking broad yeah that you know oh she's done you know he goes he goes, did I say that? Yeah, you said it. Whatever. You know what you said.

And Bonnie yells at me. Bonnie yells at me in the car. What the fuck are you saying? I go, you don't have to stick up. I go, yeah, I do because I don't want fucking people. You know, you're fucking, you're brilliant. You're a genius. You're a great writer.

I'm telling you, Mark, if you asked her to sit down and write a fucking script, she'd have one out in a week. Brilliant writer. Brilliant director. you mark if you ask her sit down and write a fucking script she'd have one out in a week yeah brilliant writer brilliant director but a little bit she's not street smart she doesn't you know what i mean yeah and she lets people take you know kind of hey can you help me with this and she doesn't know how to say no she's a people pleaser at times and i tell her say no don't fucking do that yeah because they're just she helped this one comic punch up a whole sitcom she punched it up for him he never even fucking thanked her never you know right back you know fuck these self-centered cocksuckers it's nice to hear though it's nice

to hear that you have this respect and this love and and you understand it and uh you know it's nice that's my that's why she loves you uh you know we get along she's uh she's she know, it's nice. That's why she loves you. You know, we get along. She's cool. It's fun to have somebody that gets it. You know what I mean? You seem great, dude. She's fun. Look.

You're all right. You're all right. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm all right. All right. You know, I mean, our podcast is fun. It's not this. This is fucking amazing. You get so many fucking. We don't fun. It's not this. This is fucking amazing.

You get so many fucking... We don't get guests. We just do it in our living room. Well, this is my garage. What do you want? Did you see the house? Yeah, so I went in there. Your house is probably bigger than mine. No, it isn't.

What are you talking about? I have a townhouse. I have a two-bedroom house. I'm in a townhouse. How many bathrooms? Two bathrooms. All right, I got one bathroom. Yeah, guess what?

You have one person. Okay, I have three. Okay, I got 1,200 square feet. I have a All right, I got one bathroom. Yeah, guess what? You have one person. Okay, I have three. Okay, I got 1,200 square feet. I have a townhouse. I got fucking neighbors. But I was walking to your bathroom, and just like me, I saw what an obsessive, compulsive jackass you are

because all your shirts were hung the same way, and they're all the same shirt. They're all the same fucking. I know. That's what I do. Like, if I see one shirt I like, I have to buy every color of it. You know what's sad about that? I didn't even buy them.

I got them from Wardrobe. Like, I can't even do my own shopping. Like, the show at the end of the season, I'm like, can I take them? They're like, take them. I'm like, good. I don't have to buy anything. That fucking closet, I built that for a girl hoping that she'd clean the fucking,

you know, put her shit in it. She never did and now she's gone so I got this fucking closet. That's a, when I started dating the girl I'm with now, she saw that closet

and thought I was gay. It's fucking, yeah, a guy shouldn't have that many closets full of clothes. In that order but categorized no i do too i do i got my everything's got to be in place i feel like fucking kathleen bates for misery it's the only thing we can control it's so little we can control

all my sneakers face the same way i just do I can tell. I can tell if my wife fucking takes one of my belts or moves my sneakers. I'm fucking out. This is no bullshit. I had a white tank top like this. Yeah. And it's not in my drawer. Yeah.

I have ripped the house apart. I cannot let... Where the fuck is my white? Are you banging someone that left with my white fucking right you went there you went there i mean i'll go to the far furthest where is my my cut off i had to buy another one just like it yeah well it's not even the same kind that one what happened to that one i can't find i don't know did i take it on the road and leave it somewhere i don't fucking

know all i know is it's not there and there's so few things we could control it's so few when i was locked into it when i was 21 yeah i walked i went i smoking pot this is i go into this ice cream parlor and i go give me a cup of ice cream you know scoop or the yeah so the girl behind the counter 16 17 scooped me the ice cream you know scoop but yeah so the girl behind the counter 16 17 scoops me the ice cream right and then i'm like whoa i can't wait to eat i'm so hot the lady the owner comes flying out of the back yeah and you know those little taster spoons yeah takes out two spoonfuls full because it was two spoon maybe one cents one penny for 30, I went over my head what I would say to her if I went back in the time. For 30 years, I could not let go of this.

I'm going, how the fuck does somebody that owns a business take out two tasters? One, I'll never come back. I said, if I ever go back in the time, I would say to her, it's against the health code rules to do that. Right. And I'm never coming here again. I couldn't say it then, but why would that- back in the time i would say to her it's against the health code rules to do that right and i'm never coming here again like i couldn't say it then but why you know what's funny to me is that you've been working on that line for 30 years and that's all you got that's all i got i said it that's all i got out of it in 30 years of her living in my fucking head over the two things

such a reasonable line you call her a fucking bitch or anything no nothing i wasn't even i'm just going i'm never coming here again that's all i came up with in fucking 30 years all right all right this is fun here this was fun it was it was good talking to you man thanks for having me What a sweet fucking guy, am I right? For all your WTFPod needs, go to WTFPod.com. Go to WTFPod.com slash calendar to see those upcoming gigs I got in July in Boulder and in Denver. Get on the mailing list at WTFPod.com and I'll email you every week. I do that. I let you know what's going on if you don't know enough already by just listening to me now.

So what have I got here? Here's what I got. I'm not a pedal guy, but people send me pedals. Earthquaker sends me pedals. And MXR, that's Jim Dunlap's company, they've got the Crybabies. They sent me the Crybaby Wob, but they asked me if I wanted something else, and I said, I'll take an MXR Dist distortion plus you know why because that's the only pedal i had in high school and i was a shitty guitar player and arguably i'm still pretty shitty but they sent

me an mxr distortion plus which was the pedal i had in high school so So this is an MXR Distortion Plus and a Telecaster, which was my exact setup in high school before I could play at all. And again, I'm not saying I'm a wizard, but listen to this thing. Oh boy, it's a lot of buzz. That's a Telecaster, I'm sorry. Thank you. Three-chord wonder. Boomer lives!

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