WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 669 - David Spade

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

David Spade kicks of 2016 in the garage, talking with Marc about growing up with guns, becoming a father unexpectedly, turning the corner at SNL after years of struggling, getting to know and love Chris Farley, and hitting the road to do stand-up again. Plus, David explains how he narrowly avoided becoming a Hollywood tragedy during a terrifying night at his home. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated

category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. Calgary is a city built by innovators. Innovation is in the city's DNA. And it's with this pedigree that bright minds and future thinking problem solvers are tackling some of the world's greatest challenges from right here in Calgary.

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Calgary's on the right path forward. Take a closer look how at calgaryeconomicdevelopment.com. Lock the gate! Alright, let's do this. How are you, what the fuckers? What the fuck, buddies? What the fucking ears? Happy New Year. This is it, the first show, the first ears happy new year this is it the first show the first wtf podcast of 2016 it was uh it was an okay new year's for me i hope you guys had a good time i was sleeping at midnight not because i'm old but because uh i was tired and I just spent a quiet night with Sarah and had dinner and watched a documentary on Agnes Martin, the painter. bullying of the world to find a place where you can express yourself in the purest way possible

without interruption or distractions there's a certain beauty to that it's a funny thing about truth it's probably real truth when you find it i would shut up about it take it and use it the best way you can but god damn it be quiet about it because real truth i think is is very quiet and you should savor it before somebody fucking ruins your moment anyway happy new year little abstract uh myself it seems today look i there's nothing i can do about um background sound effects today i don't think, because I have to be a decent neighbor. But it seems that my neighbor, Adam, has chosen today, today being Sunday, I do record these sometimes the day before the morning of the release, because as you know, those of you who

are compulsive and a bit obsessive about my show, they'll know it drops somewhere in the middle of the night. So I'm not up recording live at three in the morning to deliver this to you, though I would if I had to. But Adam seems to have found today to be the right day to clean out his parrot's cage and give the parrot some air out there on the deck next door and also seemingly to play fiddle. I had no idea that Adam played fiddle. I don't even know if it's Adam, but I didn't want to get involved. People need to have the freedom to do what they're going to do. And sometimes it's play fiddle on the deck while your parrot squawks with the joy of being out of the house for a few hours.

So if you hear squawking parrots or somewhat lyrical fiddle playing, that's because it's Sunday out here at the Cat Ranch in Highland Park. And that's what my neighbor is going to do. Now, some of you might think, like, why would you put up with that from your neighbor? Can't you ask him to quiet it down? No. You know why? Because you've heard me sometimes at the end of this show. I tend to play a pretty loud guitar, and I'm fooling myself out here in the garage or in my house.

I think that at least two or three or maybe seven of my neighbors don't hear my clunky riffing. So there comes a point where, you know, you just got to be like, all right, well, I got to do some things that require some silence. But today's fiddle day next door and I've got to let freedom reign. Today is David Spade Day on the podcast. David and I have not really ever known each other, but certainly we've run in the same circles. I've run into him. I've met him a few times, and quite frankly, I didn't feel like we really got along or perhaps it was all me as usual. But we talk a little bit about that. You know, he is the type of guy he is.

And I was sort of amazed at I'm not really amazed. I mean, he's a good guy. He's a thoughtful guy. I just didn't I don't know people. I don't know people. And I make assumptions. And, you know, he's out with a book. He's got a book out.

It's a memoir. It's called Almost Interesting. And he's out with a book. He's got a book out. It's a memoir. It's called Almost Interesting. And that's out now. And it was sort of, I got a real kick out of it. I mean, it was a good talk, but he's a funny guy. And that's the way it is. So mark another one off the list of people I was uncomfortable and overly sensitive about previously.

There's still plenty out there, apparently, people. So how the resolutions going, people? How is it, you know, a few days in? How are they going? I haven't made any other than to what the regular ones. I got to get into shape. Maybe I should eat better. I got to treat people differently resolutions i'm gonna fucking

relax that's what i'm doing i'm gonna fucking relax you know i'm so like i over the weekend like literally the day after new year's i got caught in a couple of twitter vortexes and i know i've sworn off it a bit tried to pull back a bit but sometimes you get locked in and there's this idea sometimes on twitter and in life is that you have to engage here's the deal the beautiful thing about freedom and uh and the great thing about this country and life and being able to make choices for yourself is that you don't have to fucking engage with anybody you don't want to unless it's your job but like socially or on social networking platforms it's like i don't have to fucking respond to you now my problem is is i am sort of compulsive about responding to uh to to negativity or i'm easily um triggered If you poke me a little bit, just the right insecure,

angry nerve, I'll just do it. I'm in. Now, I've had more success in my real life than I've had on social networking and also on stage and everywhere else that I'm not easily triggered. And I can make certain decisions about my anger and my reactions. And I do it in real life and it's the right thing to do. But there's this weird expectation by certain types of people on Twitter, trolls aside, people with opinions. So here's the weird thing is that if you've got opinions and they're important to your agenda and your ideology, well, why don't you just go do that? You know, fighting with other people or trying to hit them over the head with your opinion, it's not, you're not going to get

through and you're ultimately just using that person to make your point. And you're basically a bullying douchebag. Yeah.'s the weird thing it's not just trolling not just poking but literally like hey man you're wrong man you don't know the truth you don't you don't want to face the facts it's just annoying you know if you have an agenda go do your agenda but if your agenda involves beating up on whoever disagrees with you, then that's sort of a shitty agenda. Then you're just a shitty bullying idiot. It's just annoying.

Go serve your agenda. Go be proactive in whatever big ideas you have. And if you keep pestering, you're just annoying. And it's not that your opinion is so provocative. It's just annoying. There's a that your opinion is so provocative it's just annoying there's a block function in real life it's called uh gotta go yeah no no no no i gotta go now it's interesting but i gotta go okay but but here's what happens if you don't block uh what oh really okay okay no no i don't really agree like why you follow me't, why don't you just shut up? Oh Jesus, just shut up. And so many people out there, they're like,

Hey man, this is truth. This is fact. This is free thinking. Look, if you're a free thinker, then shut the fuck up. Go free think. And it's amazing to me how many free thinkers seem to have the same five or six fucking thoughts. And they all need each other to have this free thinking mob mentality. Yet it's so limited and it's the same fucking thoughts. And anybody who's a free thinker really doesn't need to say it that much. Because if you really have freedom of mind, you wouldn't fucking talk to anybody because you'd be free. Just live the life you want to live. It isn't always the same for anybody, but you do have the freedom of mind here to make choices around how you want to live your life. Don't let people fucking change it if you don't want it changed or fucking relentlessly annoy you because they just want to win.

What are they going to win? Ha, showed that guy. Yeah, man, another victory for the free-thinking mob. Oof, tiring. I'll tell you you know i listen to cecil taylor record this morning let's listen to some captain beefheart sometimes go out and look at my girlfriend's paintings look at some agnes martin paintings you know check in with Rothko. A friend of mine sent me an E.E. Cummings poem. You know, there's all these places where amazing creativity can take you,

you know, above and beyond the blather and the white noise and the fucking death wallowing of the zeitgeist the wheezing fucking death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist that kind of dumps into your brain every day as soon as you turn your fucking computer on it's a new year so i guess that's a broad resolution. I'm going to try to not be infected by the death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist. There's a voice in my head that said, that's pretentious and affected. I'm not even sure it makes any sense. Made sense to me in that moment. Yes, it did.

So right now, let's go to my conversation with David Spade, the comedian. It was fun. It was fun. I'm glad we talked. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream?

Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. It's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store

and ACAST Creative. Talked. You know, when you said you were going to bring in a chair for your back, I thought it'd be something that looked more medical. That just looks like a fucking dining room chair from the 80s. Well, I have a bad neck, and so I just realized if I'm going to sit for up to an hour,

I should probably just make sure I sit in something that doesn't drive me nuts because I want to focus on your show and not be squirming. But what's the history of that chair? So you have to sit like no any chair uh i i have to oh it's a problem so this one is just sort of feels good i had around my house this one's not bad you could you could have managed in that chair you think no i would have been a little bit of a strug well i i went to sushi last night and they have i always sit at booths because uh not because i'm King Lear or Goodfellas,

but they're squishier and they're lower and then I can't sit on rock hard stuff. It hurts my back, whatever. It's so boring. Wait, when did this problem occur? This happened in a... Was it an event? It was, chapter four. It was in my stupid book. Yeah, was chapter four. It was in

my stupid book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in there. You've done enough press to where you can cite the back. No, I don't know what chapter it is.

But it is in there because it's an embarrassing story and it killed time. I was 15 and I was in a talent show and I was in a speech class, a motivational class.

And basically you had to be in this to get into the talent show at the end of the year so it was a trick so i got in that but then i learned speaking and they have like an ah meter when you give speeches where if you say ah um they ding and they count it so you start to learn how to speak a little better and then we would motivate kids we'd go around other schools to high to grade schools and motivate them meanwhile we're just all stoned and we just try to get out of class but you took a speech class so i mean do you think that somehow or another that helped you ultimately i think so because i'm i'm shitty with it i uh yeah i can't you know i don't speak well yeah i was going to talk to you about that yeah thank you i have an bing. You're already blowing the charts up.

I thought it was nice because I was never into doing stand-up. A lot of people want to be on Saturday Night Live. I mean, we're sort of on a lot of subjects. But I was in high school and I was sort of a smart kid. Got older. Did the speech class because it was like a fun way to meet girls and be in this like talent-ish variety show. Right. So we'd rip off SNL sketches and stuff.

Oh, you did them, you actually did an SNL sketch? Yeah. Did like one old Dan Aykroyd bit. Not even a famous one. That was the variety show? That was the talent show? Yeah, it was like mostly dancing

and mostly girls doing stuff and then the guys that were in drama. It wasn't even a drama class, which was a great scam because they didn't want to do plays or anything they didn't want to be

a serious actor I just wanted to go write for the fun stuff and I did write some stuff I actually wrote like me and my buddy as these guys hitting on girls

like ski partners like these tough guys and it was just like they were sort of douche bag ski partners? well it was the setting was at the ski resort

and we had all the ski lift tickets hanging down to the floor and we're like, yeah, Aspen, Aspen, where have I been lately?

I'm pretty cool. And so, it was my first thing of writing anything and then one, I did a dance number to Macho Man. I was just trying

to get in more stuff. Yeah. Not because I was super gay but I was in a dance number to Macho Man and I was also in gymnastics there's a few red flags in this story

but we're going to skim over it gymnastics? yeah I was in gymnastics just to work out and meet guys can you do a cartwheel? I can do can you do on the backflip?

a planche where you put your hands like that and you lay flat parallel to the ground and you're sort of on your elbows could you do a backflip at a time?

Yeah. You could? Yeah. Was there a period there where you're like, this is my closer? I could do parallel bars. I could do rings. Did you ever think about closing with it? Yeah, but we're starting to hint toward the story.

All right, go ahead. So I was in Macho Man. Obviously, that was sort of a, could have been a closer for the whole show. It was obviously a great bit. Yeah. We danced too. We were wearing karate gis. Sure.

You're 15? 15. And it was with a bunch of seniors, so it made me look cool to the ladies. Sure. I keep hinting that I liked ladies, even though no one believed it at this point. So I'm in Macho Man.

I know gymnastics, so me and my brother say, let's do a backflip at the end to sort of cap it off. Oh, this is the story. It is the story. So that day I'm at the pool with my buddy and I'm on grass and I say, I better practice my standing backflip. And I do it and I nail it. Because it's very scary to do one.

I bet. Just to stand there and try to whip one around. I weighed about 115, 120. What do you weigh now? 145, 146. I ballooned up to 160 during grownups and we got into a Val Kilmer area and I don't want to talk about it.

You're a little punch drunk. As Chris Rock told me, he goes, you can't be fat and old. You pick one. He goes, but be rich. This is if you're ever going to hit on girls. Anyway, here I am in high school and before the show starts, So he goes, but be rich. This is if you're ever going to hit on girls. He goes, you got to. So anyway, here I am in high school.

And before the show starts, I'm backstage. And I tell this guy, hey, the show's starting. They're letting everyone in. Don't spot me. I have to practice. So his job is just to watch this disaster. So I do a backflip. I come out of my talk lingo a little early. And I land on my face.

All my weight, bam, on on my face my teeth are loose my face is pouring blood i pop up he's like are you okay i'm like not at all i turn and then it's like tunnel vision hello darkness my old friend i go down on one knee hello hello can anybody hear me it was so so weird. And then they got me backstage. Yeah. And in the back of your head when you're a kid, you sort of know you're not supposed to get hurt, like in my family. Yeah.

Because we didn't have any insurance. But I didn't know it, but we didn't. Yeah. They would just always go, you're fine, you're fine. I go, you don't want to go to the doctor? I'm bleeding. No, no, no, you're all right. But the bone's sticking out.

I don't know, a little Bactine. My mom had Bactine, which just bought her time. It was just like numbing spray with no medicinal purpose so i go backstage and and then bring my mom and a doctor back and i don't know who anyone is for an hour so this is a hard concussed concoosh yeah will smith better play me one day in the backflip story did that movie open did it come and go i think it's still coming i think it's still coming i think it's still coming you know the doctor's like he's a bit shook up now he's like from gun smoke he

doesn't know anything he's not giving me any medicine arizona yeah that's him he goes he's a bit rattled he had his bell rung i'm like these are things my friends would say right i have a category 5000 if it was the nfl right now they would stop the game chopper me out everyone be would be on one knee. You know, the other team would be looking by a timeout. And then I finally, the doctor goes, well, you know, take him to the emergency room. And she's like, of course. And then he says, he leaves.

And my mom goes, Davey, do you want to go to hospital or Pizza Hut? So I never went to the hospital. Pizza Hut had asteroids. So I went there to play games. I pulled my my t straight i jammed my retainer on them and it sort of held them in place and by the way this is no vicodin this is no pain pills back then i never knew about that stuff so i just roughed it and then my jaw started giving me problems after that you could have had a hemorrhage like you could anything could happen and your mom was willing to roll the dice i mean bless her heart she was And then my jaw started giving me problems after that. You could have had a hemorrhage. Could have. Anything could have happened, and your mom was willing to roll the dice.

I mean, bless her heart, she was broke. And I understand, but I said, I'm okay, I'm okay, because I wanted pizza. But she should have seen through my bullshit, you know? When did you start noticing that you remembered people? Was it during the asteroids? It took an hour. You knew how to play asteroids. It took an hour.

Yeah, I knew. Beep, beep, beep, beep. That came right back. Rattled me.led me i love asteroids i go who are you mom but yeah i got it so i did that and then i got and then when i started to get uh comedy into me i moved to la i just started going out i started doing stand-up and stuff but it started bothering me my neck and when i got to la i think it was just threw something off in my jaw and then the tension of la to be quite honest i can't blame it all on that backflip the tension got to me where i start you know people hold their shoulders they get yeah stomach aches or it used to be ulcers 10 years ago. Now it's neck and back. Chest. I can't breathe. Oh, is that what you get? Yeah, like.

And that's hard. Like it constricts. Yeah. Like a panic. Yeah. I'm old. I don't want that because I know that's not great. I was surprised though because I read enough of the book to feel like I knew something about you.

Because I don't know you. The first time I saw you. I don't know you. It's true though. I mean, I see you around though i mean i see you around yeah i see you around and there a few years ago you started to address me by name which was exciting but i remember the first i don't know you knew who i was before because when i came out here to do i'll always remember this because i came out here to do evening at the improv it must have been like 91 or something right and i didn't live here so for me it was a big deal. It was like my second TV shot.

And like I flew out. That's a big deal. Right. And then I ran into you and you literally like, if I'm thinking about it correctly, it might have just been like a spot at the improv that was still important to me. It was the Santa Monica improv. But you're like, well, it's just a fucking improv. What are you all freaked out about?

Shut up, really? because my attitude is different my attitude in the book like i was so excited when i i well if i was jaded after two years that's horrifying well you just like i was freaking out and you were like what do you i was that two years before i i remember alan covert uh sandler's uh buddy well my buddy was managing it then and i And I'd love the Santa Monica Improv. I think maybe I said that possibly because it was Santa Monica Improv, not the Melrose Improv. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just-

Still a huge deal. But your attitude about it to me, because I didn't live here, and I think if you spend time here and these are your clubs, you give a different, sort of like, I'm just going to go to a spot. For me, I'm like, I'm being from New York. Right. I'm doing a thing here. And you're like, what are you? Because I was enamored by the New York clubs, but I couldn't get in any of them.

But when did that, like, how long have you been out here? If that was like 91, 90? Yeah. No, even, yeah, right around then, 89. That's when you got here? I got here probably 87. Right. And then I bounced around and couldn't get into the comedy store.

Louis Anderson got me an audition. And Mitzi goes, nah. I'll let you get it. Come on. Smoke shakes your head. Nah, not this guy. And so Louis goes, I tried. And he's like, now it's your turn.

I'm like, huh? But he goes, I got Rob Schneider an it and he ran around my house in his underpants that's what he said to me i didn't i never asked rob about that i go what did that mean i go is that what i by the way if i got the spot there'd be a better chance of favors back but i was like hey take it easy and he's like uh okay then the funny boys comedy team you remember the funny boys yeah Yeah, Jim Valli and the other one. Jonathan Schmock. Schmock, yeah.

They saw me and they were very nice. I opened for them at the San Diego Improv. And that day we hung out, we were all laying out at the condo because it was San Diego. And they were like, you're new from Arizona? Yeah, yeah. And they go, you know what you do?

Do a year in New York and then come to LA. They had it figured out. And the nicest thing they did is they gave me this whole speech about how that's what I should do. And I did my set that night. I think I middled or something. I came off stage and they were going on and they go, go to LA now. Right.

They told me before they went on stage, they go, you're ready. I was like, oh my God, great. So that got me to go and I stayed on Jim's couch. So you skipped la uh new york all together and i wouldn't even had any plan in new york i'd done one-nighters there and no one was really biting i never really killed i couldn't it's a whole different fucking it's a whole vibe it's a whole that whole thing that sort of doing nine sets a night and running around and wait until two in the morning and yeah you know it's a it is a good training thing. But, I mean, if you've already got some chops,

I mean, if you can avoid that, why not? Well, I'm such an Arizona guy, so I'm a West Coast guy. I don't really love New York like everyone does, and I sound like an asshole saying that, but it's just not the way I grew up, and everyone is so enamored by it. I'd like to visit, but when you're broke, it's just not a great time, you know? And if you live there all your life, I get it.

You know the streets, you know the haunts, the ways you bop to these clubs. It's sort of a romantic coolness, like you're doing five sets a night. I'm like, I've never done more than one set a night, probably, in my life. I go, where? The Improv and the Laugh Factory?

I see Whitney buzzing around in a Range Rover. Sure, she'll do a in a Range Rover. Sure. She'll do a set on the corner. Yeah. I go, Whitney, relax. Your special was last night. She goes, well, I got to do another one. I go, oh, fuck.

You're in there again? Yeah, yeah. She works hard. She's a ball buster. She works hard. She's good. She's funny. All right.

So I had made all these misassumptions about you. You know, I didn't know how you grew up. Oh, yeah, give me a little break. Yeah, no, right. I mean, I was like, this guy seems to, where'd he get all this cockiness? He must be, you know, but it was, like, fucking rough, dude. I mean, like, I have empathy. Like, I didn't, you know, I had no empathy for you at all.

No, yeah, no one does. I mean, everyone hates me to start with and then I try to win them over but people used to say that about like, they go, oh, I think you date girls or that's the idea and then they think

you're an asshole and I go, I get it because I saw Ryan Seacrest was going on like Julianne Hough. I'm like, I hate that fucking guy. Immediately. And I knew him a little bit

and liked him and then I switched. Right. And then he had some other, I'm like, God, fuck him. So I think that's the natural reaction to anybody. But also your comic persona is a little you know it's i know heavily boundaried it's all you know what i mean what just mean that like you you know like you don't when you do

jokes you have uh your style which is you know sarcastic and your your character's a little smug yeah right so you make assumptions that the guys just really like that yeah and and that you know, sarcastic and your character's a little smug. Yeah. Right? So, you know, you make assumptions that the guy's just really like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, you kind of keep people at arm's length. You don't seem like you would entertain fools gladly. Like, you were not the most accessible cat in the world. Yeah, I guess. That does make sense.

I mean, what a dick. No, no. But you were an endearing dick that made a tremendous amount of money off of being a dick. Well, I mean, I think when I look back back i was a little more full of myself during that just shoot me time just because it was fun and i got on a show and i had some money and i running around and a couple guys who write for my show wrote on that yeah oh okay yeah jamming and glaring oh yeah i know this michael and sievert sievert yeah. Yeah. Those guys are great. Just Shoot Me was sort of a good ground for, I think they would have good memories of that.

It was. Yeah, no, they're great. They do have good memories of it. But let's go back. So it's Tucson? No. Scottsdale. So you're out in Scottsdale or sort of outside of Scottsdale?

Yeah, I grew up in, born in Michigan. The dad took me out. You know, we all went out there, the three boys. Who was his dad? Sammy. Do you talk to him? You know, lately it's been very tough because he left us as kids. He started the quick version.

He started showing up here and there, but never, you know. The rough things are like being by the door. You can't text. You can't call. It was the old days. You had to wait for the hard line to ring. And the call on Monday, like, yeah, I'm going to pick the kids up Friday and take them out. And we'd stand by the door at 3, 4 o'clock with our bags, 5 o'clock.

And my mom would go, let's just order a pizza. And knowing he fucking blew us off again. And she kept to buffer it. And she would buffer it. And she wouldn't trash him. So, wait, you come from Michigan. How old are you? Four.

And you move and then they just marriage and close? Then he bails. Yeah, I'm like, could you at least leave her in Michigan? Yeah. Now move her to where she knows nothing. Took her out of her last year of college and she was a smart writer. And she didn't graduate because he goes, no, no, you don't need that. You don't need that.

What did he do? He was a salesman. He's out there fucking five martini lunches and fucking everyone and just like scamming his way through. He's a big bullshitter. So it worked. Yeah. So he's a hustler.

Got by. Never made a lot of money. Always a sales job. Never like a steady paycheck. Yeah. Always commish. So he got out there and he's like, yeah, Arizona's a drag. He said he had a job.

So we all moved out there. Then he goes, I don't. And fuck fuck off so he started fucking everyone within a mile of the house like my mom's hearing about all this and i'm like you know i was four i didn't really get what was going on but we're like where's dad he's the best so he would show up later in years and he would pick us up in a dune buggy and we thought he's so fucking cool meanwhile meanwhile my mom lately is like smoking going do you ever think that maybe a 42 year old guy in a dune buggy, and we thought he was so fucking cool. Showboat. Meanwhile, my mom lately is like smoking, going, do you ever think that maybe a 42-year-old guy in a dune buggy isn't the coolest guy in the world? I go, yeah, right?

Well, it was cool to us. So he goes, that's what he's picking up his dates in, do you understand? Yeah, a dune buggy. He's a fucking asshole, yeah. So I liked him, because he's my dad. Right. So I kept trying to win him over, or whatever I did. Yeah.

And my brother got famous. He got tons of money which one andy andy started the kate spade stuff he was in advertising he started the and then you have the he's the middle brother yeah and then brian's the oldest and he had trouble with it and he always was uh with your old man yeah because he's he was the most aware being the man of the house right fucking 10 the The responsibility, I'm sure, burdened him, but he got in trouble with the police, didn't like the stepdad when that happened, fought him, like physically had problems with it.

What was that guy like? Diametrically opposite. Very smart, went to Duke, a doctor, very responsible, not great looking, looking but a nice decent person trying to take care of my mom but he had problems like the the thing in the book is that true that yeah it is the vietnam thing i mean i didn't know he would show me x-rays of nails and heads and all this shit i'm like i'm seven guy like give me a nerf. You know what I mean? He would literally lay out all these photos because he was, I guess it's PST or whatever.

Yeah, PTSD. Yeah. It was definitely four letters because, but we didn't have a name for it then. We just thought he was a little cuckoo. Yeah. And weird. And he came out, he was a medic in the army,

so he saw it all. It definitely affected him. 12 pack of cooers, tall boys a day, go into the emergency room like that where my mom would go I gotta call it in and stop him sometimes because he could be buzzed but he'd fall down and she's like you're not going to operate on people it was so weird oh my so weird because he was the on-call doctor what was the flashback thing though that flashback thing was he was he was always uh he gave us all

guns for christmas he gave me a shotgun shell reloader again i wanted like a skateboard so like that thing that you yeah you load the primer pop out the wad put the stuff and and we collect our shells after we go dove hunting or quail hunting and when i was 10 and put them all in my bag and i go home and fix them all. And I had a sawed off shotgun. I had a deer rifle. You had a sawed off for quail? That seems like cheating. Sawed off just for fun.

Oh yeah. Well quail, I realized later it wasn't a big score. Like I look at hunting now and go, if you see a deer and you got him on your sights, let's say you killed it. Yeah. I mean, do you have to pull the trigger? Because he's falling down. He's just standing there.

It's like shooting a barn. Yeah. So I was quail hunting, dove hunting. And then. But quail hunting is sort of like, whoa. gotta snap an action yeah yeah it runs across yeah we skeet shooting all that but he gave us all guns and then what he would do is he'd have flashbacks in the night of the war so he'd wake us up and he had his helmet on it was so weird again i didn't think it was that weird i thought it was fun didn't he look crazed or you thought he was just playing?

I don't know if he's drunk or flashbacks or whatever. Probably both. He would wake us all up and say, come on, come on. Like we were in the army. Yeah. And he'd go, we're looking for these guys. And we'd all have a gun. He'd have a gun and we'd just walk around.

Real guns. Real guns. And when he, the funny thing was when he left, my mom had to take care of three boys. Yeah. And all these stories make my mom sound bad, but she was great. But, you know, there's only so much you can do without putting us into foster care. So some days when she worked and she couldn't handle it, she would drive us out to the desert and drop us with our guns

so we had something to do and a canteen and bullets like banditos and a lunch and Bactine in case everything went wrong and pick us up seven miles away at a Chevron station when she got off work.

So for eight hours we are shooting whatever. Rabbit, squirrels. Didn't matter. Rattlesnake, anything. Bottles. And then we take a neighbor

with us or something and then we land. And the fact that everything went smoothly take a neighbor with us or something. And then we'd land. And the fact that everything went smoothly, it was fine. That's amazing. I mean, that could go sideways on you quickly. But we had a quarter to call her if she didn't show up. And it worked perfectly. And she did it, not a lot, but a couple times.

And we loved it. And I look back and people go, it's pretty odd. But I go, I guess. But it didn't seem that way. Well, how old was your oldest brother? I mean, someone was sort of in charge. Try 14, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's grown up, right?

With a gun. Yeah, with a gun. By the way, back then with no cell phones, he shoots me and there's a good 10-hour lag time before someone gets to me. He's got to get all the way seven miles away, then hopefully find his quarter. What did he end up doing? He does construction, and he had a tougher uphill battle. Chip on his shoulder, about the old man? Yeah, that, and then he got in trouble, so it was hurting jobs.

But he's sort of a constructionist in his life, and he does fine now. We all got along. We had trouble in the middle because, you you know the dad was a little bit of a boozy suzy and uh so was the grandpa your real dad my real dad my real grandpa and so it's in our family yeah um and my stepdad ultimately killed himself but i didn't put this in the on purpose yeah he tried to once and shot a hole in the roof. Really? At your house? Yeah. My mom said he was cleaning it or something, which I bought immediately. And then she told me later, when he did die, that he was trying then.

But she told me just two weeks ago that his father killed himself and his father. Oh, my God. And his brother. i go mom these are like on the first date bring this is like red flags like what's the over under on suicides in your family is it three is it and so i said i think did you know that it's so weird and did she she said she didn't she found out like while they were married and i was like oh it's fascinating to me when that runs in families like you know alcohol isn't fine but just sort of like killing you because there's a choice there he was depressed which depression is uh yeah something that again they didn't know

much about and now they take it a little more seriously but that's why all the booze and the self-medicating but i know we all get depressed but i guess when you're like that seriously down and that's seriously whatever it is. And he was really nice to me. He was very smart. He got me into chess. He got me into speaking German. He got me into all these things because I was the most malleable.

Practical language. Practical when I lived four inches from the Mexico border. I go, what about Spanish? He goes, that's going to come and go. That's a fad. I go, are you sure? German is forever. So I knew German german that went away a year later yeah i don't know it's not helping me but you got along with him so along with him

and then he was good for you good for me growing up and then uh went off then my dad started coming back more and now to this day you know i bought him a condo my brother bought my brother made so much money so we were just taking turns taking care of him and my mom. And then I started to fade out on lately. And I think it's because I had a daughter. And- Where's the daughter? Honestly, it was not planned.

She's in Missouri. And she's great. And I'm really glad it happened, but it was an unusual circumstance. It wasn't planned. It was someone I dated a little bit. Did you know that you had the kid yeah i she you know she she told me and was it bad at the first oh t and tmz was

it bad at first i mean was it one of those things where it's like you felt it was a trick of some kind i didn't know and then this girl and I've gotten to know her better, obviously, over the years. Was it really dating or just a one-night thing? We'd gone out probably. She lived out of town, so she would come in and hang out, and she had to do stuff here. And so maybe we went out like five different times. So it was definitely not, we weren't talking marriage, we weren't talking kids. It was none of that. It was just, it came up.

And, you know, in that situation situation it hasn't come up so i thought well you have to do the right thing you have to do what you're supposed to do and she was a little rough on me at the beginning with the tabloids and the leaking stuff but i you know over the years it's leveled out we have a nice situation now you have a relationship with this harper in uh you know four days uh she's coming out right how old she's just seven wow so she's pretty recent yeah and um i don't know if you've been in that situation but it's very haven't it sounds terrifying because it's when it's on the internet like right after you're told it's i i don't even know how to get my ducks in or i don't know how to alert my family i don't alert girls i've dated it's just because it but that one rocks people but you didn't know about it i didn't know till

i mean she was pregnant oh she told me when she was two and a half three weeks pregnant and it did that come uh at you like a threat well what are you gonna do i need money whatever it was sort of like no it was just i'm doing. And I hope you'll do the right thing. And I was like, wow. My only concern was I said, can you wait the three months that people wait to announce these things? Because you never know. And I said, it will give me a second to get my fucking head together because this is pretty overwhelming. I wasn't mean.

I wasn't saying, hey, fuck you. I was just saying, okay, not my perfect situation, but I don't want to be a fucking asshole about this. This is like a test to see if I'm a good guy. And you had no, actually, like, even if you were going to be an asshole, which you weren't, when it's handled that way. Well, I felt bullied.

And, you know, I've talked about it. And, you know, again, we get along now and I don't want to slam her. I just think she was under the influence of her mother. And I didn't think in hindsight the mother was great for the situation because I think she was being steered. And she's a nice Midwestern girl. So I don't know what the situation was, but it happened. We figured it out.

And in those situations, you just start doing the right thing fast i started paying child support four months in yeah before the test right i just said okay if this is it i'm starting and if this is whatever whatever i'm not believe me i'm not a fucking great guy but i was like this is what i should do and my mom is a great person she's like here's what you do so what pay you know you pay you pay, you're there for her. You call her, you make sure everything's okay. Oh, geez, that's heavy, man. And it's hard because, you know,

since then I was dating someone else and they're like, it's like getting married. It's like such a bombshell to someone that you liked in the past or you might have a future with. Right. That you were serious with that you're like, and there, so it really hurts feelings across the board and puts a weird spin on everything in your life.

When it happened, just out of curiosity, as an A-list celebrity, certainly someone who everyone knows, when you get that information and it's starting to leak in what seems like an unmanageable way. Yes, for sure. What do you go to advice like publicists what do you do i mean like i mean knowing like you know how obviously it's not a manageable situation because it was handled the way it was handled i mean how do you get get advice on that well um i don't know i guess i asked my mom i did i did ask my pr lady and say i mean there's nothing anyone can do it's me it's my fault it's say, I mean, there's nothing anyone can do. It's me. It's my fault. It is what it is.

It's all very black and white. I just have to take the hits now of people judging me and saying, you're a fucking asshole and what are you doing? But are you an asshole? See, that's the weird thing about that. It's like- Well, because I wasn't married. It wasn't like, and they're like, ugh, your lifestyle caught up to you, whatever.

But listen- But that's not even fucking it. It's so fucked up, isn't it? Yeah. Because this shit happens all the time to guys at all levels it's got nothing to do with lifestyle since then it's even worse like you know sean kemp has nine kids these people everyone has five kids with nine different chicks it's unreal and it's just sort of just the thing now yeah so now but for me my personal life i've never dealt with it right i was like wow and can i handle

this because i'm not good. Obviously, I hadn't been married at that point. And that feels very overwhelming to me to be married. And that's quite honestly, probably the big stickler of why I don't do it. Because I don't want to disappoint someone and bail out like my dad did or do something like that. So I get nervous about it. But a kid is even more serious.

You know what I mean? Right. But you had money thank god and you know in a way and you could take care of of the kid and make them comfortable and try to show up i mean you know it's great that you built a relationship with the kid that's funny that drake say that this comedian i remember jesus christ he gave me this great joke where he goes you know i don't know if i'll ever get a tattoo. I could picture getting married and having kids, but a tattoo is so permanent. And I thought of that,

but. Oh, you remember Jake, Drake? I mean, that was so sad. Jake and I were old buddies. Yeah.

He killed himself. Yeah, I know. And did you hear. Years ago. Years ago. Is this a rumor that he put post-it notes for the paramedics saying body this way? I don't know if it's real.

Did you ever hear that? I did hear it. It's crazy, man. How old are you? You my age? You're the funny fuck. Younger? 51.

52. That's horrible. God, we've seen so, like, dude, like, who did I talk to? Why are we not killing ourselves? I don't feel like killing myself. But who was it that just told the fucking, the Frankie Bastille story? What's that story? You were the guy in the car with somebody one night in New York.

Yeah. And it was like, you were first night in New York and you got- Richie Voss. It was Voss. Yeah. And those stories in the book and I don't say who it was. Oh, he talked, he said- He sang like a canary.

A little bit. What did he say? Well, he was on the show and he said, a comedian from Arizona. And I knew who it was, but he didn't say, he didn't say. Oh, okay. He didn't a canary. A little bit. What did he say? Well, he was on the show and he said, a comedian from Arizona. And I knew who it was, but he didn't say. He didn't say. Oh, okay. He didn't say your name. But what did he say they did?

Because maybe it's a different story. Well, no. He said that, you know, you needed a ride somewhere and they offered you a ride and they both had to go ski. You know, Rich had to score crack and Frankie had to score heroin. And you'd never forget. That is the story. I was shitting.

I was scared. I mean, I'd done cola, but I, i was scared i i mean i'd done cola but i and i'd i'd uh i'd done the pot yeah but i was 21 or something yeah i was in new york which is scary anyway and we were doing road gigs at gary grant book remember this guy like a bf packies or you just you go to the impromptu drive somewhere this is all foreign to me i mean i was driving with something that was 35 once i'm like if i'm fucking doing this shit at 35, blow my brains. And he took me to some gig. And then I had Frankie Bastille. Frankie.

Hey, man. Yeah. And they go. He's dead. One of them had a joke. Goofus and Gallant. Goofus kicks his mom down a flight of stairs and Gallant fucks her when she's unconscious. I'm like, is that a joke?

That's got to be Frankie. I was writing my little crummy jokes about Safeway. Frankie used to, in the middle of his set, go, remember the first time your mom caught you shooting heroin in your cock? That is him. Charmer. They were going to buy crack and fucking heroin. And then, you know, these gigs are like 75 bucks, so I guess it's a good score.

But I was debating whether I should take a cab home from the Improv or a subway, because that was my big splurge. And they go, if you wake up with the money from your gig in your pocket the next day, you know you fucked up. I'm like, what?

These are my words to live by from new york from the road comics yeah i go great learn the lessons yeah no security no safety net of any kind they must have loved me i had long white blonde hair and i had a i had a little my mom's honeymoon uh bag full of props that's how you were props yeah well frankie used to he'd get young guys to babysit him and give him money. Like, you know, he'd sort of turn out these young comics with the big wisdom, and then they'd end up driving him places. There was a few dudes, like Lord Corrette and, but straight.

No, no, straight, yeah, but like sort of like, come on, man, I'm the Buddha. Yeah. And you got any money? Like one time he said, do you want to come down to Cayman Islands with me to open? And I'm bringing my kid, who I don't know that well. I'm like, I'm not going to go be mommy. Oh. Is that what he wanted?

Oh. Well, it just sort of like, it just seemed a little more loaded than I'm giving up. I was already saying yes in my head. I'm like, I would have gone. Yeah. But then I would have been tricked. So, okay. So now we, so your brother made some coin with the purses.

And you guys did all right. So your brother made some coin with the purses. Yeah. And you guys did all right. And now you have a relationship with this daughter, which is sweet. Right. And I think the point was, I didn't mean to blab about that whole thing. I didn't know if you talked about it. I don't want to talk about it much because I don't talk about it in the book either. Because in the future, I didn't want to have her hear something or read something well it seems to me oddly given the circumstance just by feeling your the tone of your voice now that you you are sort

of prepared for it and you're looking forward to it and you're you're showing up for it well i like that and what i was ultimately getting to is my father it's this whole thing started when you said have you talked to him how do you get along he he was a fun guy he was a good guy uh still is uh he's a nice guy and i definitely got a lot of humor from him and my mom but he's he's very loose in his feet obviously a little bit of a scamp um skirt chaser but he got older and and he kept always wanting stuff from us and wanting stuff and i always would take care of him take care of him but he had like a hold on me like that where when Harper was born, I started going, wait, you wanted three kids and you got married

and you tried and you bailed. Like I couldn't even call you if I was sick. And I always thought just as a normal person, if Harper, this isn't my ideal situation, but I can't think that she couldn't call me or say do you have any resources if i had 100 bucks she can have 20 you know yeah i should say 50 sure she can have 10 of it you know um you know i would help a little bit or if he would do that it would have meant the world um but he didn't and i started to get a little i can just

tell in the last two, three years, I'm getting a little mad about it, and I see him less and less because it makes me furious that no alimony, no child support the whole time. If I miss two days, I'm going to hear about it. You know what I mean? And I don't want to. I want to make sure she's okay, and the school,

and the things she needs to do. It's not all money. It's just the fact I like seeing her. I like talking to her. It is weird. I don't see her all the school, and the things she needs to do. And it's not all money. It's just the fact I like seeing her. Yeah. I like talking to her. It is weird. I don't see her all the time, but I try to work and do my best with the situation.

But at least I'm in the game. He was just like, and so I start getting mad about it. It comes up now. Yeah, and I see him less because I'm like, okay, so I do have a kid, and Andy has a kid, and you don't really give't and i didn't let her meet him no my brother hates when my dad's around because i said i don't want this influence yeah it's a weird thing it's only like dad thing i did was say i don't want her to meet her

bring her up bring her up i'm like nah where is he is he around in santa barbara oh he's here we put him up i think andy pays for it now but we we take turns but he puts him him up and then he goes, I don't want to be in this flea bag retirement home. He's like, all right, I'll get you a nice one. But his whole life, he's like just kicking himself upstairs. He gets better stuff and better. He got a private doctor at his house. Andy goes, how the fuck he talked me into getting a private doctor when he could just go to the goddamn clinic?

You guys still want his approval. It's something. It must be. It's wild be it's wild it's wild so all right so props i had a i had a little tiny xylophone from play school for my jeopardy bit so i go bing bing bing i just realized dennis miller really talked me out of him because he started with him yeah yeah i think he did he doesn't talk about that a lot but he do you still friends with him yeah because like he it seems to me that you were for a while there like uh mini miller uh-huh i did i was influenced by

miller even kevin nealon i don't really tell him that much but he's funny dry throwaway jokes i was emceeing at the Improv a lot. When you emcee, it sucks because you're there all night, but you do get to see these guys, and you get to see, like, you know more about comics than I do right now because you see them all the time. Yeah. And now that I just started hanging out with Adam Eget, he's come down a lot. I never got

past the store, so I never have done sets there ever in my life. Isn't it great, though, that now you can just walk in? Well, now it's close, and it's... Right, and it's a good room now. It's great. Did it last night, yeah. Yeah, the main room's great.

The OR's great. I mean, people are coming. It's better than the improv there, because a lot of rubbernecking at the improv, and I don't even know who's in charge over there. I don't even know how those shows are. It's good I knew one guy. You know, Adam.

Yeah. I gave him a part in Joe Dirt. He's a nice kid, and then he's like, yeah, come down. So I was going to ask you to come down because I did a night there. Oh, yeah? Who came? It was Dana Carvey from Norm MacDonald.

Wow, that's a big night. And Bill Burr. But we were going to maybe need another guy. And I was going to ask you because that would be fun. That would have been fun. But I didn't want to make you drive in. Was it packed out? It was packed out.

It was great. It was really fun. And Dana was killing it. And it's great because he does Bush. He does all these things. But now he's got Trump. Yeah. So it packed out? It was packed out. It was great. It was really fun. And Dana was killing it. And it's great because he does Bush and does all these things. But now he's got Trump. So it's like very present. He's got one, huh? He's got a Trump. And he does bomb these motherfuckers.

It's already funny anyway. So he just does Trump a little bit. Everyone's like, ah, just waiting to laugh. Oh, man. So he's doing all right, huh? He's doing good. He's doing a special on Netflix one. And he's from the old school huh? He's doing good. He's doing a special, a Netflix one. And he's from the old school. When I started SNL, he was the best guy there. And he was, I was there sort of light a fire.

I was sort of an apprentice Dana, like a not as good Dana. And one horrible thing happened to me. I was, you know, when Perot came along, I couldn't get on the show. I was having trouble getting on. And Adam Sandler was getting on and Farley, everyone else. And I'm like, God,

I need a break. But Dana's staying. They kept saying he's leaving and he kept staying. So there was too much, you know, if there's an impression I could do, Dana can do it better.

and he's a vet. So if the guy looked like Macho Man Camacho, Sandler does him. Yeah. If it looks like me, Dana does him. So I have to wait,

you know. And so then Perot came along and I go, Ross Perot sounds hilarious. Now Dana's doing Bush. And Camacho Sandler does them. Yeah. If it looks like me, Dana does them. So I have to wait, you know? And so then Perot came along, and I go, Ross Perot sounds hilarious. Now Dana's doing Bush, and Phil Hartman does Clinton. And I go, I want to do Perot. And they go, I don't think so, I don't think so. Then they did a political special, primetime, which is a big deal. They go, Lauren goes, can you do Perot for us?

I was like, fuck yes. So I go down. I get my 45 minutes of bald cap makeup. Yeah. And they introduce us. Bush comes out. Phil Spade comes out as Perot. Applause.

We do our speaking. And then when they get to Perot, they go, hold. All right, Dana, can you get into Perot? Thanks, David. I was there for a wide shot. No one just told me. SNL is a place that no one wants to tell you bad news. It travels slow.

Don't say your sketches. So it was a wide shot so he could do both? So he could do both. And he was great at Peromic, which is even worse because it burned my onion. And I was like, I guess he's better. How did Dennis talk you out of props? He just said, you know, you're on the... he liked my act, which meant a lot to me. Yeah.

And one time, the two things of advice, one, he said I'd weed out the props. I had a Tom Petty hat. And he goes, you still sleep with that thing? And I was like, because he saw me carrying it into a gig once. He goes, oh, fuck, no. He goes, where's the suitcase? I go, I'm just down to this. He goes, you don't need anything.

And I was like, he goes, just talk. And then one time I saw him in open form and uh he goes you weren't as good this time and i go well i i'm not getting invited back to these road clubs as much because i'm not killing so i'm trying to write stuff that does better and he's like oh that's the worst thing you can do he goes just do what you do it's pretty funny and and it's easier to write without that middle step of like well they think it's funny it's right what you think is funny right and if it doesn't work then just quit you shouldn't do it i was like oh well that was a surprise ending so i go and it it did wake me up because i liked him so much i thought this guy fucking knows how to write so i turned into like a research paper of your favorite comics i think a lot of people do

like yeah i like daddy murphy but i was never going to be like exactly like that or very dirty So I turned into like a research paper of your favorite comics. I think a lot of people do. Yeah. I liked Eddie Murphy, but I was never going to be like exact like that or very dirty like that. And then I liked Carlin. I liked all the people everyone liked. But Miller was right there. And Kinnison. But Miller was closer to something I could do. Like that's really how I think.

And I was whispering jokes to my friends. I go, it's sort of commenting on things. And then when I got on Just Shoot Me or those shows, that persona was kind of the way it worked that was funny. With Farley, you go, he does something and I whisper like, I don't know. Hey, fatty. Good job.

That's my whole job. So that turned into at least a style. And then once I had that style, then I wanted to get away from it. Yeah. And that's what happens on Saturday Night Live. Like Chris was the fatty fall down guy and Sandler was like acting goofy. And then once you finally get one thing, then you go, I'm not just one note.

Right. And then 20 years later, I realized I am just one note, unfortunately. The data is in. I tell them, I go, I can do other stuff. They go, what? I go, I can do other stuff. They go, what? I go,

I don't know. Nothing. Forget it. But it's your, it's your demeanor. You have a, you have a character. I guess.

I mean, I like Bill Murray and stuff. I'm not saying I'm that good like that, but I'm saying I liked a guy like that. That was sort of Bill Murray and Ghostbusters. And he's sort of Bill Murray in this. And so I thought you could get away with it a little bit. Cause I,

I'm not like De Niro. It's not, no one wants, even Lauren said, don't do so many characters. I'd write characters like, hey, I'm this guy. And he's like, ugh. So I go, why am I the guy that's shitty at? Because I just was, and he was right.

So he goes, just be yourself. Who were you guys when you were coming up? Well, you and Samuel were friends before, right? SNL? We were friends before. Apatow, Drake, Schneider. You were all just doing comedy down here. Yeah, all at the improv. We all lived in the Valley, too.

Yeah. Did you live with guys? I lived with a girl who I always wanted to bone, and she was two out of my league. And then one day when I moved out, it was ten years later, she was like, how come we didn't fuck this whole time? I was like, what? There was a chance? But I was getting famous, and I didn't realize she liked that. Now I was possibly in her radar because she was going out with a

bass player for a quiet riot oh my god sandler and i i have to ask him about this because you have to ask him why i know we have uh i i can't imagine that he really remembers that he's mad at me but uh it'd be great to talk to him do you talk talk to him? Mm-hmm. You know, he's mellowed out, but sometimes he used to hold a grudge about that stuff. He's got to be. But at a certain point, like, he just did Stern, so I think that that one I didn't think would happen, and we did a movie this summer. Why wouldn't he do it for so long?

Because Stern was so hard on him? Yeah. Stern said something about him he didn't like. That's what happened with me. I mean, he gets criticism, and he gets it from all over the place i mean his movie reviews he knows and he was talking about on stern it's very hard and i'm in movies with him and we all take shit and i've never had a fucking good review so i get it but i

do remember sometimes when people are rough even if most of the time i understand it i go people just say shit who cares but if it really stings, I will stay away from something. Make note. Yeah. I mean, but it takes a little bit. I mean, a lot of people, like there's family guy, they shit on me all the time. And then at a certain point I go, all right, it's getting excessive. Like after the fourth joke, you go, all right, someone's got a thing for me. Yeah.

And because on SNL, I would go after someone. I go, let's do it again. They go, do you hate that person? I go, no. It's fun. But I sort of did. I'm like, I have a chance to have a voice. Like who'd you go after?

I don't know. I never didn't like Eddie Murphy. And that's why I loved him. Most of my- I didn't even know that story till today. I'm way out of the loop. Oh yeah. It's a dumb one.

But I didn't really have a problem with him. But now and then I'd be like- Well, here's the problem. This is the thing that when I responded to Sandler about, I did a bit on Conan. I wasn't really necessarily making fun of him as much as I was his fans, in a way. Because to me, they were just sort of like kind of man-children, meatheads.

But I did this bit, and it mentions him as a reference. And then he comes up to me at the improv. I mean, this was like two decades ago. I heard what he said something about me. I'm like, yeah, I said it on television. And he's like, why would you do that? that and i said because you're a cultural icon i mean you know what do we just we can't talk about people in our own business what are we going to fucking talk about you know i wasn't a nasty about it but it becomes difficult like you know

like that situation with eddie murphy it's like would you talk about movies where you do jokes about culture and you're good well and that's my whole job in quotes and we're comedians and even Amy Schumer who's blowing up so huge that there's jokes you can make about Amy Schumer

because she's one of the people out there now right and then there's that weird thing with comics they're like if you want to do something for fun or whatever

but I'd steer away from it just because she might take it wrong even though you're just like I just want to talk about what's going on out there like she would because that's what everyone does

but there's a community of us and we're weird and oversensitive right and you don't assume you know but I like when someone like Amy is actually good

and then you know there's people that they can take it there's people that make it too that you go oh my god how's this person getting famous

but you know everybody comes down the other side and that's the most interesting thing about it is once you make it through all this shit some people make a living they get rich other people you know at least keep their shit together enough to be like nah doesn't matter anymore it just doesn't fucking matter anymore and you try to keep respect of other comedians which i like i always appreciate if comics thing i find i mean that's why everyone says they don't

care what people think but i do i when i go into clubs i i still do it and i still want to be in the vicinity of the good people and not be so out of it where people like are you still doing this shit like come on guy like there's people that go up and you go or they're older comics or they haven't done it they're starting to get into it yeah but you just want to still it's like it's fun putting baseball or so you don't want to do it no one wants to quit anything right but you can you can be old and be a comedian that's a good thing you like doing it now i i still like doing it's still hard you never stopped really did you did you i always slowed down no i never stopped and it was a great way to make money when i didn't uh like last two three years i haven't done a show i

stopped rules of Engagement. So, you gotta have some money saved. I have some money saved. It's more about, it's fun to do something with yourself and then you feel like

you did something. I like to feel like I'm good at it. Yeah. So when I do, you know how it is, you do a good show somewhere and you feel good about it.

You bomb a few times or some things clank, but when you do a good set and you get your set list, you go, I can actually do something. Like, this got me everything and that's why I told Sandler

you should do it and we did something this summer and he goes you know what I have a chunk of time let's do let's go out and run he goes

I'm gonna come where you are and then I'll just do a little set and practice because I don't want people to fucking YouTube me and say I'm shitty and he was always funny to me

and I go it's a good idea to remind people how you got here so I did Comedy Magic Club he came he did 25 minutes it was a lot and then uh I did a night at the comedy store as a trick just to get him to go on unannounced so he had a good crowd he did it again because my crowd would be his crowd you know right sure overlap and then how was it good we did San Diego we announced it so me him norm schneider and swartzen and that was a really fun show there's a theater gig and uh and he closed because i had to close in the other two

and i go at a certain point adam you've got a guitar and a piano i can't yeah follow this and he killed and they were definitely there to see him the most and they were so excited that he hadn't done it in 20 years so we're gonna do a few dates it's gonna be fun that's great because i never really understood it because he just answered a question for me. I think it was a mystery to me forever. Because when I see Seinfeld going out, I'm like, how much money could he,

why would he? It's just, I think, for the fun. Not only the fun, but what you were saying. It's like, I do this. This is what I do. It's what I do. When everything goes away, that's what we do.

And no one can say Seinfeld's not funny anymore. They see him, they go, shit, he's still, you know, it's putting work into something that you used to be good at. It's not about money. Right. And there's some gigs I make no money in. I'm doing one in Hawaii over the break that's not a ton of money, but what a blast.

Me, Jeff Ross, and Bill Maher. Oh, yeah. So someone who said, Bill Maher said, you want to do this with me? We do this group for fun. Split the money. Of course. What a blast. I like those guys and I never see them.

What a great excuse. All right, so walk me through SNL. How'd you get it? Stand-up, started the road. Couldn't get on that Young Comedian special. I remember the HBO Young Comedian special. Right. I finally got on it for three tries.

Who was on with you? Well, every year I missed out to Richard Belzer. I'm like, I'm an actual young comedian, guys. Can I be looked at seriously? I'm 22, 23. I got on with Drake. Right. Schneider.

Jan Karam. Freddie Stoller. Was he on my list? Yeah, yeah. Warren Thomas. Oh, yeah. And I hope that's right. I sort of mixed up Jan Karam, yeah. was he on my yeah yeah Warren Thomas oh yeah and uh I hope that's right

I sort of mix up Jan Karam yeah so we and everyone did stuff after that I mean

Warren Thomas I think passed away after that yeah well I long after that but yeah he passed away

yeah I didn't know he's one of those I knew Schneider and Drake and then Schneider knew from San Francisco

oh he didn't yeah and then uh and then me and um Schneider and Drake. And then. Schneider knew him from San Francisco probably. Oh, he did? Yeah. And then me and Schneider got pulled. Because Lauren saw it or their people saw it. So we got pulled to fly to New York for an audition with Tom Kenny. Yeah. Remember Tom Kenny? Yeah, of course.

Sam Fran? Yeah. Spongebob. We. Dennis was there. Probably 20 people. At the audition. Yeah. in a comedy

Catch Rising Star oh Catch Rising Star places I've never gone the original one went on supposed to do 20 did about 12 because I was bombing

actually Dennis told me one more time he goes you don't want to kill too hard because they'll think you're a smooth road act yeah and I'm like

so I bomb I don't even understand so I go I took his advice he goes they're just going to look at your writing which I didn't get I go you have to do good but the truth was I didn't I didn't understand. So I go, I took his advice. He goes, they're just going to look at your writing, which I didn't get. I go, you have to do good. But the truth was, I didn't.

I didn't do that good. And they looked at the writing. And then he goes, just do your best written jokes. That's my advice. And then Schneider went on and went short. Tom Kenny did his whole set, killed. Schneider didn't do well? He didn't really do well, no.

Yeah. With little Elvis or whatever. Elvis on a fish hook. Yeah. And then he goes like this. He had some great jokes. He had, dude, dude. Yeah. With little Elvis or whatever. Elvis on a fish hook. Yeah. And he goes like this. He had some great jokes. He had, dude, dude. Yeah.

So anyway, we got hired as writer performers from that. And that was a whole different thing. New York was too much. I didn't want to go there. I never thought of being on SNL in my life. Really? No, I wasn't like a character guy. I wasn't an impression guy.

I just was trying to be a headliner. I was just guy. I just like was trying to be a headliner. I was just middling. Right. Just wanted to be a headliner. Just like seeing what's right in front of me. Like can I get in the Dallas Improv? Can I get in the fucking Funny Bone chain? And so I got that and I go, oh shit.

And then we made low money, but the stress started. We got in there and I was a pretty good writer for standup, but it's a whole different thing to write sketches. So wasn't killing it. We did four shows, and then it was the summer. And we both didn't get anything on. And so they said, they might not bring you back.

Oh, you and Rob? We were like buddies. We were really good friends. And then we had some friction on there. Brought out the worst in us, that's for sure. Really? Competitive? Yeah.

And then the first year. Do you think that was fostered or it just happens? I mean, we both sort of want to be famous. You want to do well and they make it like, hey, one of you might come back.

It's like Survivor. And then, I remember one time I got mad he didn't tell me about a rewrite meeting and then he didn't put my name on a sketch that we wrote together.

And so it looked like I wasn't writing much. And I was like, what are you doing? And he goes, ah, you went to bed. I don't know. I was tired. I stayed I wasn't writing much I was like what are you doing is how you went to bed I was tired I woke I was stayed up all night writing I won't just put my name on it's not that complicated and up and when then the next year we had more problem than he did copy machine and he got on we weren't supposed to write for ourselves and I thought that wasn't fair

right I'm like why the fuck does he get to write shit and then they made him a cast member and i'm like what so it was just mix of jealousy and like i should be better at writing and i was frustrated you guys are okay now yeah yeah we're actually really good now but it was a two then he's then everyone he was having trouble with everybody we were all having trouble but he he got out of it fine but there was a period there where we were just all, you don't know what you're doing there. You and Sandler,

what about you and Sandler? Sandler and I were always good. Yeah. As long as I could sit there and watch everyone kill, Barley, Sandler, Dana, Mike, Myers, fucking Conan's writing, Bob Odenkirk's writing,

Smigel's writing, I'm supposed to be as good as these guys are better and it just wasn't happening I'm like I'm getting better but I can't be that level Phil Hartman's great like and the hosts come in and Chris Rock is doing weekend updates where he's fucking smart as shit and so

you go I'm supposed to so I was getting better but we stayed friends because we tried to support each other. And when you're getting bumped because of them, you have to keep it in check because you want to fucking kill them. Because I'm like, Farley's in six things this week. Can I be in one? Or Dana's in nine.

Does anyone give a fuck? And they don't. And who were you addressing? Did you ask Lauren? The air. Oh, yeah. My dressing room wall. You never said, Lauren, can I talk to you?

I do. And I asked Jim Downey and I was like, and he goes, no, you're getting there. Just hang in there. But everyone's worried about themselves

and you have to be. And I just am really glad that by the end of it, people knew I was on SNL. I have pretty good memories of people saying, oh, you were funny on SNL. I have pretty good memories of people saying, oh, you were funny on SNL. Fine, that's all I want.

How many years? Six years. And you did, did you end up, you were contributor to Update or did you do Update? Just contributor to Update. Right. I mean, just wrote jokes for the Update people

and then I would just do my bits. And you would show up in things. Yeah, I'd show up in things. Did Gap Girls, did the receptions from like NUR. Yeah like and you are yeah yeah yeah and that was my first attitude bit i wrote because it was not just jokes and i couldn't believe it worked i go that was a breakthrough just in my own head going uh conan told me about concepts because these are you're just writing jokes you need to write like what's the whole feel to it and you try to explain it i was like oh yeah because he's smart yeah so i got it

and then i go oh and that was one where it was getting laughs and read through and i go these are smart people so this is funny to them like it was just like a weird way people were treating me and i thought i wrote it out they're very condescending to me and it works so i go oh this is working without big jokes okay it's a repetition of uh yeah going and now what i know you yeah yeah and that kind of attitude was funny because i got it from la repetition of uh yeah going and now what i know you yeah yeah and that kind of attitude was funny because i got it from lauren's assistant in la and i got it from patrick swayze's at uh when he was at the show they wouldn't let me see patrick swayze really i go can i because you're allowed to talk to the right if you're a writer and it's three in the

morning and he's in the writer's room alone and then this pr person standing by the door and i walk in and she puts her arm up to block me. She goes, can I help you? And I go, oh, I just wanted to say hi to Patrick. She goes, oh, and you are? And I go, I'm David Spade. She goes, and he would know you because? I go, oh, I'm a writer here.

She goes, right, and that's why you're a writer here at SNL? And I go, yeah. She goes, hmm, it's just he's so crazy right now. Can you come back in a little bit? It might be a better time. And I go, he's reading People Magazine right there. Are you sure? Yeah, it's just really tricky time right now.

And I go, I didn't even get it. So I just thought in my head that was so weird, that whole attitude. And then I called Lorne next time I was in LA. And his office goes, and you are. And I go, is this a real fucking thing and they quizzed me and i had to explain how i was famous and shit and they're like i don't watch tv i'm like it's your own show so i go i gotta try to make that into a sketch and then that but i still it took me a while then by the end i got more stuff on and then adam and chris left

and i stayed next year like a fifth year senior. And when did the thing with Farley just start to gel? Why? Were you guys friends first? Yeah. Just buddies. Walked around the office

and Lauren thought we were funny together and we were like I'm from Arizona and he was Wisconsin Dundee. He's like the nice guy that doesn't know what just head up his ass

walking around New York City going oh my God there's a McDonald's here. There's one. And I'm like, oh, is it on wheels? Like, you know, I just always make fun of him. And then he'd go, and he'd want me to make fun of him. Then we just sort of buddied up a lot. And he was getting famous.

And I think he felt, because we started together, it was like a good, solid place to be because I was on the show too. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. And so that was a on the show too good guy he's a good guy and so that was a fire that was just going out of control royal guy sweet guy loyal guy nice to me uh laughed at everything made me feel good because he thought it was hilarious and that made me feel good and he was but he would get jokes that you didn't think like for being like a dunce yeah or whatever people think he actually was good at comedy to where he got all these dry, weird jokes. He got what he was funny.

He laughed so hard. And you can always tell, you know what I mean? Like you can tell people, thanks, David. Thanks for coming. Yeah. It's sort of ding. Great story, David. Coming up next.

Time out. So he would laugh and I like that about him because you couldn't whiz anything past him. He wouldn't go, I don't get it. You know what I'm saying? It's like when you're in a conversation with someone and they don't even have to say anything. What they laugh at, you can tell how funny they are. Right. If they get something and you go, oh, you like that too?

That's funny to me. Yeah. Whatever. And that's where you go, he's good. And he was such a supporter and he'd go on the sides and laugh when you're doing a bit or try to help you out or whatever. Good guy. Yeah, good guy. How many movies did you do with him?

Three? Well, I did Coneheads. We were all in. Right. Then the real ones were probably Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and then I think that was it. Yeah. Yeah. We talked about a third one, and then it was too late.

But when you were with him, I mean, it seems to me that a guy like that if you're close to him you know he's killing himself somehow yeah and you know how did you did was there yes it was my fault no no no no no i i just like there's nothing anyone can do after a certain point if they're gonna yeah i mean i just look at scott wyland who i used to know a little bit and uh when it's just so out of control coming for so that coming for so long. Yeah. And he had a guy kind of like, he was showing up on YouTube doing gigs where you're like, oh my God. It was like Kennison.

It's like he's up there doing wild things. You're like, this should have ended a long time ago. Would have been better for everybody. But Chris seemed like he was trying to handle it. But I think he did eight rehabs. Oh, he did? He was going out like that right and we had some friction at the end but it was mostly because when you have someone

like that the same way wyland's wife wrote something about him did you read that that she's like this guy died four years ago like she was saying he's not the person i know you know he doesn't relate to me when he wants to be with his friends that are doing all that stuff and he doesn't want to be around me and i get right pissy about that like who chris yeah he would bring people around and those weirdos that like no one knew but yeah like people that know that like you know they're junkies or weird and they're like hey man i'm like why are these people with us at dinner you know why are you bringing we were in aspen at the comedy festival for snl and we all went out, and then he was too drunk at one dinner with Steve Martin and Lorne and Bernie Brillstein.

I took him into the dinner, and we walked through, and I realized it, and I go, hang on, guys. And we scooted through all the chairs, this long table. I took him into the kitchen. I took him in the alley, and I go, we are not fucking having a three-hour dinner. You're this fucked up. He goes, whoa.

I go, you drank all day? He goes, I'm in As oh my husband that's an excuse like oh okay and then the next day i met him for lunch yeah and he came and he was with four people i didn't know and he had not gone to bed so his eyes are like rolling back and i go oh fuck you stayed up all night he goes oh i go all right you're an aspen i forgot i forgot jesus he's like a child there's some guy told me a story about him that i i always i thought it was horrendously sad but hilarious like i was a chicago guy i think and they were partying all night and and uh you know chris had you know done mushrooms and everything else and i guess he was just in the middle of a conversation and he threw up on himself.

Oh, boy. And I guess he said, I guess I'm full. God damn. I know you can't get mad when he eats a two inch by two inch piece of steak for every bite. I go, you're fucking joking, dude. He's like, whoa. I go, that's a full petite filet.

He goes, no. And then he takes the pat of butter and he peels the lid off it. He puts the whole square on it. I go, every bite. And he goes, it needs a hat. I go, well, okay. Who can argue that?

So, but a full pat of butter on every bite. I go, where's the fat coming from? No one can figure it out. It's a mystery. But do you think he wanted to? Like, that's just the way he lived? He just loved it. Just very excessive.

He loved it. He loved it just very excessive very he loved thing he'd do too much yeah fall hard eat hard play hard get mad hard yeah so but he's very nice and he's very nice so you know it was a tough loss because it was it was like the other day was his anniversary oh like two days ago so you know there's always someone instagram reminding me i'm like oh yeah a little gut punch, but it's all right. Of the day you died? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in December.

The funeral was rough? Funeral I didn't go to. You didn't? Yeah. Why? Too rough, too much. Really? Yeah, I just, it was really, I think people took it the wrong way, but I told Lauren and

Adam and those guys, I said, I can't go. They said, it's okay. They knew that it was, it's hard. It's hard to sit there and bawl in front of your friends. I know it's the right thing to do. I just couldn't. I was crying at home. I was so weirded out.

And just to see him in a room and a coffin, I was like, fuck it. I was open? It was just in a coffin. I don't know what they said because I didn't go. But they said, he'll be there. And I was like, I don't know. But those guys were all very cool to go. And I just, you know, looking back, I probably't know. They said, because I didn't go, but they said, he'll be there. And I was like, I don't know. But those guys were all very cool to go. And I just, you know, looking back, I probably should have.

I just couldn't do it. Couldn't even think of it. Yeah, I understand that. You know, I could still see it today. If someone was so close to me, I cried at my uncle's funeral. I was pretty close. But I was like, oh, this is tough. People are stronger.

They can do it. I can't do it. Yeah. So after SNL, I mean, like, you've had is tough. People are stronger. They can do it. I can't do it. Yeah. So after SNL, I mean, you've had this amazing career, and you keep working. I mean, Just Shoot Me was really, I mean, career-wise, and those movies, those are huge.

Yeah. It's a job. I mean, treading water after SNL is the hardest part. So Just Shoot Me really helped. But in terms of like, is something going to happen? Am I set up? Yeah, just anything. Just try to keep me out there. And then,

plus I like to work and keep busy and I don't know anything. I can't go back and switch now. I can't go back to advertising, whatever I wanted to do. And so then Rules of Engagement, there was that showbiz show I did for a little bit I liked.

That was sort of like a Hollywood show. And then the Grown grownups movies are always, they do well, right? They help with Adam. Yeah. Uh, whose ideas were those?

Those are Adam. Yeah. He put that all together. Yeah. He says, I think I got you in a movie. I think I got a funny idea. I'll tell you soon.

And then he goes, all right, we're writing it. It's, uh, we couldn't think it was called lake house. Right. Well,

we changed it to grownups and, uh, we did that. We did the other one. And then they made money and they made a good money. Yeah. And Joe dirt was good. Joe dirt. I love. Yeah. But we changed it to Grown Ups, and we did that. We did the other one, and then... And they made money. And they made good money, yeah. And Joe Dirt was good.

Joe Dirt I love, yeah. Joe Dirt I hear about the most, other than Tommy Boy I hear about it the most. And that's your invention, right? That's actually, as much as I'm in love with Tommy Boy, at least Joe Dirt, you know, that's all Chris. Tommy Boy. Joe Dirt at least, yeah, can take a little credit because I wrote it, I Joder, at least, yeah, can be, take a little credit,

because I wrote it, I'm in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wrote it with Fred Wolf. We wrote Joder together. We wrote Dickie Roberts. We did, oh, I mean, well, I went and did The Do-Over this summer. I did one with Adam for Netflix. So his one after Ridiculous 6.

Is that Brill? Did Brill direct it? Yeah. You know, him and I were I were roommates we went to college together I think you told me this yeah how'd it go is it out

no it comes out in the summer the Netflix movie the do-over yeah I saw it about three weeks ago I love it yeah yeah

is it a departure for you guys for Adam a little bit I mean Ridiculous 6 is sort of right down the middle for Adam when he does

and it's great did Brill do that too no but do-over I'm married two step kids straight man work at a bank uh nerdy sandler is sort of a fucking crazy guy comes and kidnaps me it's like a midnight run a little bit uh-huh it's weird we want to do our lives over because my life came out so shitty and he's like your old friend yeah but i don't know him that well and i start finding out shit about him uh-huh he says you got to do your life

over and i go yeah yeah and then he fucking kidnaps me and goes i said you died and now i got a new id for you and i'm like what the fuck are you talking it's sort of dark it's weird uh-huh and so i liked it because it's mostly him doing the jokes like i am just straight man and it's it was really fun because it was uh no one's gonna give me that part that's for like a jason bateman or right ben still you know you're in over your head yeah and you're trying to figure shit out and it has weird you know we have guns or shootouts there's uh you're comfortable with guns i love you drop me in the desert so wait now, now let's, before you go. Yeah.

Like, I don't do TMZ. I'm out of the loop. But what the fuck happened? I know it's in the book and, you know, I know that things leveled off. I count TMZ as a credit on my resume. But I don't know the story of what happened with that assistant of yours. Oh, oh, that thing. Skippy? Yeah, the quick version is I had had an assistant who was but was he a fan at first he was working for pete siegel

on tommy boy okay that's how i knew him he was 300 pounds he's six two he's from glendale yeah this area yeah and uh look at you twice now and he was a nice guy very sweet i'm trying to be objective about this um he worked for pete he was very nice 10 years they got along oh really saw him every day on tommy boy yeah so when i was looking for an assistant he had left pete um i interviewed a guy and a girl and i was gonna hire the girl and then Farley died that day. And I said, Skippy, I need you because you're going to know everybody. You're going to know what I'm going through. And let's just start right now. And so weird coincidence, but everything was great for three years.

He started getting, asking for tickets to stuff. And it's weird having an assistant. He's like, can I have tickets to U2 if you get them? Can you get an extra one for me? I was like, I guess. Because you don't want to be a dick, but I don't know where to draw the line. And then NBC was offering me Dodger tickets

and I wouldn't take them. And he goes, you should take them. I go, no, no, because then I'm going to owe him a favor. I didn't really want to go. And I thought, and then one day they called me in for a favor and they go, we gave you all those Dodger tickets. And I go, no, you didn't. And they go, yeah, your assistant always took them.

I go, did you go to those games? He goes, yeah, they didn't care. They just said, you know. And I go, oh. And then. What was the favor? No, they just wanted me to go to New York or something, an affiliate thing.

And I go, come on, we've been helping you out. Yeah, yeah. And then Rebecca Romijn I was friends with and Kid Rock and he was texted he would text them without telling me like Rebecca's like yeah what does he want like I just talked to Skippy what's up I'm like nothing she's like why is he texting he's just like hey how you been what are you doing tonight and I go this is getting weird yeah then long story short one day he got mad i didn't put him in joe dirt i tried and kevin nealon came through and did the part yeah adam requested it i said i can't outrank adam he asked for nothing i just have to put he goes fuck adam tell him you fucking you told me i could do it i said skippy i always told you i would try

but adam is the producer and he's the only reason this is getting made, and it's Kevin fucking Nealon. I want him in. I'm sorry. I will find something else or the next movie. Stewing over that. Then a couple months later, we're in editing. He got broken up with the girl that day.

And then the editing, he saw the scene with Nealon. He goes, I would have nailed it. I would have nailed it. I'm like, he's still mad. He's like would have nailed it i'm like he's still mad he's like fucking adam fuck i'm like what are you talking like it's getting weird now yeah you can feel it yeah five in the morning i feel like someone's in my room no one ever is but you're always like oh it's so weird i look up someone's in my room he's in there in the hallway staring at me 300 pounds of him 300 pounds i don't even know it's him i just fucking he broke into the house broke in the house yeah i said what what the

fuck's going on he goes oh the alarm called they uh they you left your alarm on i go what and i stand up i go shit sorry dude i go by the way i didn't even turn and then he punched me in the face and then he hit me with a stun gun. And then he starts punching me. And I rolled off the side of the bed. And I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I looked down.

There's blood on the bed. I'm like, what are you? He was staring at me like a fucking crazed killer. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? I'm not even awake. I don't even know what's going on. And your friend is beating up. I run for the door.

He throws me down again. Oh, my God. My shirt rips off. Now there's more blood. Now I haul us out front. I get away again. Miracle. Get out of the door. He throws me down again. Oh, my God. My shirt rips off. Now there's more blood. Now I haul us out front. I get away again. Miracle. Get out of the front. But because my house is a mansion, you know, I have a guard gate.

Yeah. I have to throw in mansion. Was this here? This is in the flats in Beverly Hills. Okay. It's not a mansion, but I had a guard gate. So I can't even punch my code. Oh, I can't get out of the Hotel California.

I'm like, fuck, I'm stuck. So I run back and he's standing get out of the hotel california i'm like fuck i'm stuck so i run back and he's standing there i'm behind a car like what's going on now there's blood because my toe pad ripped up on the cement and uh the stun gun was cutting my arm and he's obviously beating me up because i'm you got a dart in you a stun gun dart like no it's like it oh it's sharp points oh yeah and the electricity goes across but the sharp points are actually sharp so when he hits you with it it's scraping like cutting oh not like a box cutter but it cuts like that so i go uh uncool uncool or whatever but i thought for sure i'm dying i don't know why why this is happening but it's over and then

did it all come to you like this is a hollywood story this is how this shit happens and I don't know why and I wish I knew and I ran up and I hit him in the face I went right at him and we went on the ground and I got to where I was hitting him in the head

I got a great spot on him like UFC he dropped the stun gun picked up quickly I ran I slammed the door and it just barely closed and he hit the door

like a rhino and I go this is it I can't fight anymore knowing he was gonna come in and kill me and it stopped him a quarter inch that deadbolt i was like oh my god and i ran slid under my bed and what do i have loaded shotgun thank you mom in arizona is it that one and step was it that

one it wasn't but it's another one right and i had it loaded and he the only other person to know i had a loaded shotgun was him. And the cops were like, he was trying to get it to shoot you. And shoot himself. That was the story. So I got it, ran out, and I said, I have the fucking gun. Then I got super tough guy, because now I was going to win. And I said, I don't want to shoot you.

I'm going to fucking shoot you. And then I went in the bathroom and locked it and going, let me think. you i'm gonna shoot you and then i went in the bathroom and locked it going let me think i look in the mirror and i'm got blood on my face and i'm shaking from the stun gun i go i'm gonna pass out i go all right i'm gonna open the door i'm gonna shoot your leg then i'm gonna shoot you in the face so if you better get the out of here you better back up and so i had to prep myself in a weird way to say i'm gonna shoot him i have to shoot this guy and i don't know why yeah And so I had to prep myself in a weird way to say, I'm going to shoot him. I have to shoot this guy.

And I don't know why. Yeah. So I open it. He's gone. I call the cops. I go in the alley with my gun. There's a cop with a gun pulling up in his car, pointed at me. I'm still holding my shotgun with blood.

I look a little guilty. Yeah. I put it down. They get me. They go, we're going to go in. We're going to search the house. I go, well, you don't have to search the drawers. He's not in there. Leave that stuff.

And then they couldn't find him. They found him, and he fought the cops, and he had taken 100 Tylenol PMs. He's trying to kill himself. Big mess, but they just found out he bought an eight ball of coke, and he did it all. He'd never done it, and he was just trying it, and he did it all, and then he came to kill me. And he was going to kill himself.

Yeah. Did he cop to that? He said he couldn't remember, but he did remember when they were sentenced. And where's that guy now? He works at a... Yeah? Oh, he's out. He works in town.

He works at... He's at UPM somewhere. And, you know, we... I had him down to two days a week after that, but what happened was... I've never seen him since, and restraining order and stuff. But it was weird because afterwards, I felt weird almost for him because I go,

your whole life is different now. Why would you do that? And they go, oh, he's drugs. And I go, but I've done coke. You don't want to kill. Like, that's not. It had to be there already. Yeah.

But I think he was resenting that it looked like I had an easy life. Like, he goes, oh, you go on a show and then you get to talk to. Right. He got too close and he started to sort of glom on to thinking like, well, I'm part of this life. Why is it not? Why am I doing this? And also, maybe it seemed like at certain points he was like, I am doing of this life. Why is it not? Why can't I do this? And also, maybe it seemed like at certain points, he was like, I am doing it. Yeah.

And then people were like, no. Right when he started to be like, I am living this life, there was pushback. Yeah. And there was like, oh, yeah. And then he doesn't want you to decide that he shouldn't have it at all. So something didn't work. Right. Anyway.

Well, I'm glad you're all right. Yeah. And I'm glad you're doing stand-up again. Yeah. Made it through. I'm glad we're buddies now. And I was cocky, and I apologize. Oh, no. It was great talking to you. always liked you i feel bad i told you i didn't know he wasn't even that cocky it wasn't even that unexpected i never really had any resentment

against you i just never thought uh i would you know we would ever have a conversation do you know it wasn't like i don't like that guy fuck that guy right it was like that guy won't talk to me i see guys sometimes like that as comedians. What, like a... I get to see, I go, I don't know if we'd ever get along. Right, right, right. But that's okay too.

Yeah. It's like high school. You can get along with everyone. Well, you seem to be pretty practical about that shit. You got pretty solid kind of like, nah, fuck that. Yeah, I try not to get, it's too stressful.

It's good. It's healthy. Now it's easier. Yeah. But thank you for having me. It's great talking to you. Finally did it. Yep.

Well, that was good. Kind of cracks me up, and I enjoyed talking to him. What else is coming up? Go to WTFpod.com and, you know, get, you want some posters or some things or this or that, or you want to get on the mailing list, do that. Thank you, as always, for all the gifts and things in the mail i appreciate all the uh love and support even though i i don't uh always have the humility to be grateful enough to uh express that i do appreciate it i like records and i like stuff and and i you know i get a lot of stuff And thank you for all the emails and well wishes and everything else.

I had an amazing talk with the director, Todd Haynes, which will be coming to you on Thursday. I think I'll play some guitar if I can remember the lick I was doing. Hold on. Hold on. Let's see what we can do. Thank you. Boomer Lives! Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means.

I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m.

in Rock City at torontorock.com.