WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 686 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Comedian Iliza Shlesinger doesn’t need to convince Marc she’s at the top of her game. He’s watched her put in the work for years, during nightly shows at The Comedy Store and on the road where she grinds it out as a touring comic. But despite Iliza’s confidence as a stand-up, she still has some horror stories about show business, particularly her ill-fated stint on The View. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category,

and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. Lock the gate! Alright, let's do this. How are you, what the fuckers?

What the fuck buddies? What the fucksters? What's happening? I'm Mark Maron. This is WTF. This is my podcast. Welcome to it. Today we have a great guest, Eliza Schlesinger. The comedian is going to be talking to me soon. she is a uh she's an intense uh comic and i i've enjoyed watching her get funnier and become more of a fucking pro when i worked with her years ago years ago down at the vine covered la jolla comedy store anyway she'll be here in a little while but i did want to say this i i was uh pretty excited about this that uh you know i did a special i did one a few years ago that's been on um netflix for years thinky pain i don't always know when people you know what they get out of listening to me or going to

my stand-up and sometimes i i don't know what people know me for and it doesn't really matter i'm fine with being a conversationalist on the podcast i i've been a comedian more than half my life it's my first love and passion uh i'm an amateur guitar player i don't expect a lot of feedback for that i do a tv show but the point is that my special my new one more later which i was very proud of and i worked hard on uh was released on epics it was produced by epics bob goldthwait directed it and uh a lot of people don't have epics a lot of people could not see the special it is still available on epics so if you want to get epics they have a lot of other stuff on they're doing uh they're doing some original programming there's more comedy on

there get it get epics you know i mean they did pay for this special epics did a fine job with it they they did whatever they could they provided me uh everything i needed and we had a great show recorded live at the vick in chicago and i set out to do something differently on that special and i'll just tell you because the good news today is that from what i understand the special more later my latest comedy special is uh today as of today available on hulu and on amazon prime so that means a lot of you who couldn't see it because i didn't even know where to direct you if you didn't have epics if it wasn't available on your cable or whatever i didn't know what to tell you and i'll tell you

why not the backstory but but you know what's's different for me as a guy who does comedy, but clearly at this point in my career, a little more well-known for this rambling and this talking to other people. I worked about a year and a half putting that set together, and I did something I had not done, that I had not ever done in my life. I had this fantasy in my mind. I always work kind of loose, and i like working loose and and i don't even mind doing that on tv obviously if you're doing here's the way it breaks down

like if you got to do a conan set or tonight show set or you know used to be letterman or you know kimmel whenever you got to stand up on a stage on television on one of those shows you get about four and a half minutes that's about you know for me you know five or six jokes you got to tighten that thing up you got to take the jokes out of context you got to make that thing work in a four and a half minute four and a half minute chunk that's no easy trick but as a comic who wants to do television that's part of your job now when you do a slightly longer set like a premium blend or maybe you get your own half hour comedy special it behooves you to structure the thing but you got a little more opening you can move through stories you can make connect the dots you can you can you got a little more freedom but it still has to be tight you should know where

you're going when you do an hour you got a couple of options now i've done several cds and they can be a lot looser because you can cut those down and and edit those a little more precisely and move through a few shows. But when you got an hour, like I did Thinky Payne. For instance, Thinky Payne was probably about an hour and a half, hour and 15 minutes. I did that for Netflix, and I went out of my way to stay loose and to move through things that I was working on and things that were tight, but none of it was new. With more later, I wanted to do a big theater show. Thinky Payne was for about 250 people. It was a small club and I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to have that

intimacy and I wanted to have a loose vibe. But with More Later, I really worked the material. I did a tight hour or so, maybe a little longer, but I repeated it. I crafted it. And I wanted it to be, I wanted it to have points of reference that I called back later. It was really, I put a lot of work into it. And a lot of like professional comic work and the type of crafting of a special that I don't usually do necessarily. Or maybe I just don't say I do it. But this was conscious. And I wanted to do it in a theater. Which I was not a fan of. not a huge fan of theater shows because I don't think they necessarily are as intimate as

they could be but there was part of me that said look dude you know you can you can make a large space intimate just you know focus so the reason I want everyone to see it aside from the fact that I did it and it's a comedy special, is that I worked hard on it. And it was on Epix and some people saw it, but most people didn't. And now it's on Hulu and Amazon Prime and I'd like you to watch it. So that's my plug for me. All right. What else can I tell you?

I'm just having some feelings. It's not because I'm old. But, you you know i don't have kids and i don't have a wife and uh i've had them not kids but wives and i i'm very happy to to say that uh you know recently you know i've had friends who have had children who have had some difficulties um relatives as well and uh and i you know i I get very invested in my friends' children and in them. And for a guy that used to be so selfish, somehow or another, and I guess this is the point of it, is that the more okay you are with yourself and the more able you are to sort of be in your own body and live your own

life without deciding that it's not the life you want to live all the time or it's not quite right, it makes you a little more emotionally available to experience some of the joys I imagine normal people have. People who have responsibilities and have had their own children and have to deal with that every day. But I just found myself very moved recently by some progress that my brother's kid made and my friend's kid made. Like I literally get choked up when obstacles are overcome by other people's kids. And I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I think I'm just happy that, you know that my heart is connected properly it only took 50 years but but uh you know be nice to each other will you it's very hard now you know we got

a lot of things coming at us all the time it's just an onslaught of garbage and i i don't know man it's just like you know when i really think about when i pull out because i can't keep up with anything i barely keep up with you know with politics with pop culture you know I'm very busy and when I check in it's sort of like it doesn't take long to get caught up because a lot of it is it's just this onslaught of garbage you know at some point we've got to pull ourselves away to really decide where our hearts are aligned you know what does it really mean you You know, the decisions you're making about the future of yourself, about the rest of the day,

about your country. I mean, how much distance are you taking to really think it through without being pummeled by propaganda, by information, by other people's ideas? I mean, do you really know

for yourself what the right thing is for reasons that make sense? I mean, do you take know for yourself what the right thing is for reasons that make sense? I mean, do you take the time to do that? How many of your own thoughts do you really have? I mean, if you really think about what the amount of information and the amount of access that we have is doing to our memories, I mean, is there a reason to even have a memory anymore? Do you have your own personal memories? How much of them have been annihilated by this

short-term cancer of immediate access to any information you know like porn too porn is just you know somehow if you're not careful it can annihilate your ability to interact intimately with another human being and just the information in general it's just as it's just in your pocket on your phone on your computer it's just it on your computer. It's coming at you. It's coming at you. And most of our fucking identity these days, and I imagine kids who grew up with this stuff are a little more adept at that. But most of our identity is based on how we reckon with the onslaught of information and how we can find our own thoughts within it. Sometimes I talk to people and I tell them things

and a week later they tell them back to me like they thought of them themselves. What is that? That's because there's too much information coming in and you can't separate it. All you're doing is sponging up and taking in and it feels like you're thinking, but I don't know if you're thinking.

I mean, fortunately, I'm too exhausted and too anxious to engage with the pace of everything on a day-to-day basis and i try to figure out what the fuck i'm thinking am i having my own thoughts am i having my own ideas do i have things that i like that are truly mine i believe i do i'm working on it eliza swessinger is uh is my guest today. And you can see her new show, Separation Anxiety, premieres on March 8th on TBS. And now let's talk to Eliza. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence.

Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence

with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive.

FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. You good? Yeah. What are you going to just get all quiet now? No. Because we're on the mic and it's going to shut down? Yeah. I get shit in my pants right before.

Oh, come on. Whenever I follow you at the store, because I've been bringing you up for almost maybe six years now. Yeah. Or vice versa. I think I always go before you. We go back and forth. Yeah. I've brought you up before.

Our energies are so different. Uh-huh. And so whenever you are off, like I almost have to like do a smudge stick because I'm like, I can't match that. Well, that's the best approach. Totally. I mean, I mean, I've done the other approaches. Like I'll just jump into that. Fucking that's no, you can't do that.

You can't. What do you mean? I have a, you're intense and full of energy. Super intense and full of energy. Like I move around a lot. When I see you on the stage, you're almost always in a fetal position, whether erect or horizontal. And it's so introspective and it's like real shit and it's a lecture and i'm like i gotta lecture i gotta make sure i get in then you come up and just like boom like blow it up

well i mean the first time i work with you was what it was like what were you a child yeah it was my bump it's forgiven. Yeah. When was that? Oh, I don't know. I don't even remember that. Yes, you did. How could you not remember? Were you headlining? Yeah.

And you were in the middle. It had to have been like- It had to have been 2007. Right. Yeah. That long ago. So you were kind of like a child in a way. I don't remember.

And I feel so like I'm big timing you by not remembering that. No, but I remember like your hair was different. I think your family was there. Was Nick Youssef with us? Yeah. I was so nervous. I remember this now. I forgot that you were headlining.

I was so nervous. It was my first time going there. Yeah. And my family came. And I remember, I think I texted you and Nick. And I was like, we're going to go to dinner if anyone wants to come. Like, I didn't know the protocol or I don't think I texted you. I was like, what can I say to Mark Merritt?

Nothing. Texted Nick. He didn't want, I was like, I guess it's, I shouldn't bother anyone. I was so, cause it was such like a big deal. Are we all part of the same team? I didn't know. I wasn't staying in the condo. Was I?

I don't even think I was. I don't think I was. I think I drove back and forth. Yeah. And now it could not be less of a big deal. Well, wait. So what was your family doing in San Diego? My dad had driven down with my uncle,

and my brother was like, I'll come because it's free food, and they did a thing. And it wasn't your first comedy club gig? No, but it was my first time in La Jolla as having my own spot. Isn't what's amazing about La Jolla is how was she able to reconstruct that dark shitty energy and dump it onto a beach move it

to a beautiful place it's unbelievable it is you know maybe because it's a little removed from the beach and it's in a shitty old building I know but that building is not that old it's just like it's covered in ivy yeah like the earth like like a steakhouse. The earth wants to take it back. It's like, how is that the haunted, most shitty looking place in the area? Yeah, it's the energy of the comics. I don't know what it is. It does feel exactly like her. That's how you realize that Mitzi had this weird power to bring that design and that dark.

You walk in and it's just dark and weird. The whole theme, the whole comedy store, it's black and red black and red yeah the colors of satan yeah and inside the colors of our lord yeah and inside it's like that weird spanish tile yeah like inside looks like the lobby of a mexican restaurant like an old one in in la jolla yeah right in the bar area yeah but isn't it carpeted in the showroom like Like the stage is kind of shitty. It is shitty. It's kind of shitty. A shitty red curtain or a black curtain.

I can't remember. This is a terrible story, but that was the first club where I almost got into a physical altercation with an audience member. With a chick or a dude? Well, I thought it was a dude making noise. Yeah. It was like the last five minutes of the set. It's the worst.

It's the worst. You're like, if you only knew how close we were. Yeah, yeah. So almost out. I didn't hurt anybody. Yeah. Or me. Or myself.

And he's making all these noises. And he was doing it, you know, sometimes they do it to get attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just snapped. Oh, damn. I think at the time I lacked the comedic skills to properly deal with it or to really stand up for myself. I bet you're great at snapping. I saw red.

I jumped into the audience, which is a foot drop from the stage. Yeah. I threw tables. I pushed them out of the way. Got right in there. I got in there and the guy gave up his girl. He goes, it's her. Thinking, I don't know.

Threw her right under the bus. All I remember thinking was, if I hit her, I'm in trouble. But if I get her to hit me, she's I remember thinking was if I hit her I'm in trouble but if I get her to hit me she's in trouble and I can hit her I bopped her you did? bopped her on the shoulder

oh that was it? what am I gonna do? I went to private school what am I gonna do? punch her? no but I mean were you saying you fucking cunt?

no I was like what's your fucking problem? and I bopped her trying to get her to like hit me back and then they broke it up but I was amped like I was like I will see you in the parking lot.

And Mark Ellis was like, no, we're not going to the parking lot. Oh, my God. I was so angry. Did that happen a lot on stage for you? That has not happened before. I've definitely, and I don't do this anymore. How long ago was that? Oh, God.

Maybe like 2010, 2011. Because you're all full of the beans up there. You know, you're jumping around. You're talking fast talking fast you're making the voices yeah it's like church it's like a like a baptist church no but you're smart and you fucking lay out the words yeah and you got you know good observations you have like uh you have a momentum i can only imagine that you in some sort of weird rage would be nothing but entertaining to comedians entertaining sure i think also there's that you have that energy and when someone deigns to fuck interrupt you in the middle of this freight train right no i know believe me you're talking

i know but like i would i would i fear for the person who interrupts you no i used to like i used to snap all the fucking time like i have to consciously like sometimes at the store and depending on how much coffee i've had i mean it's it's it can still happen like because like you know when you're up there and you feel like an audience is either resistant or difficult to manage and there's part of you that wants to fucking unload but it ultimately doesn't have anything to do with them right it's all you yeah but you want to do it you want to do it and you want to i've given i don't get angry anymore if they don't laugh at a joke that like empirically works like this is a i will just be like that is a network approved joke yeah and you're wrong for not laughing moving on yeah they like that they like that a little bit of abuse i think that like

uh like having some meta commentary about what you're doing to sort of protect yourself from your judgment it changes the energy and then they get on your side yeah i have two stock lines that i use yeah and to address that they're not laughing the way i want them to and it usually shakes them out they're like oh i better pay attention while i'm ordering my drinks and they do and they they get with it well you just have you got it you know you're you're a big build person you're going somewhere there's a destination that is right. There's going to be a closer, a defined closer.

Sit tight, folks. Don't fuck with it, and we'll get you there. So 2007, that's when I work with you down there. So when, what's the, so that's, it's weird. It's like eight years ago. Yeah, I can't do that math. I trust you when you said eight. Right?

But I mean, how old are you? I'm 32. Isn't that wild? i judge it all i mean to be doing that i remember last comic standing was 2008 so i can always remember what came on either side of that yeah but where the where did you come from where i come from yeah i mean like what like why because like back then i'm like she seems to have something why why don't i know her thank you and then like and then i feel like i didn't see you for like a couple years i was yeah and then like you all of a sudden you had long hair and you were grown up and you were pretty and you had a dog i'm like what the fuck happened to that crew

i well the hair was extensions because i was on a tv show because like when i met remember you like for some reason it was almost feathered in my mind it was not feather it wasn't tommy uh i'm not tom petty right uh although my hair does look i'll show you when we're done i'll take my hair down and i'll lay it flat yeah i have the worst white trash haircut it just grows into this like feathered right so it wasn't though you're remembering it wrong really i had very short hair i'm remembering that yeah i had very short hair um and that's it and then i after the show i went on tour for a very long time. And then that was the beginning of that. Okay, so where'd you come from originally?

I'm from Dallas. But I didn't start doing stand-up until I got to LA. So you grew up in Dallas, Texas? Did you say, ugh, after I said that? I've grown to like Texas, believe it or not. That's the first reaction. It's a knee-jerk thing. People like to shit on it.

But it's a lovely place. I grew up in New Mexico. Oh, my not. That's the first reaction. It's a knee-jerk thing. People like to shit on it, but it's a lovely place. I grew up in New Mexico. Oh my God, really? Yeah, so we were your neighbors. So we had to deal with you and your ski outfits. Right. In like Ruidoso. I've been there.

Ruidoso or Taos or Santa Fe. Sure. Yeah, so my Texas- It's a regional word. Bias was based on obnoxious behavior on ski slopes primarily. So what was the deal in Dallas? How many brothers and sisters? I have one brother.

Younger? My brother is two years younger, and he spends half of his year in Northern California growing acres of medical marijuana. And then he spends the other half of the year in Atlanta working in music. Parents are very proud. You both turned out so well with secure employment and education. Here's what my dad said about my brother the other day. My dad works for Principal Financial. I have a half brother and a half sister as well. And my dad calls me and he goes on like a big trip every year for Principal Financial. They're top guys. And he calls and he's from New York, June. He goes, you know, last year it was in mexico and you didn't come i'm like of course not i'm not

going on a family vacation i'm a grown woman i vote i've got a mortgage i'm not gonna last year was in it was mexico you didn't come the year before was in the bahamas this year emily can't come and brad is in college and ben well he's a felon so he doesn't have a passport so you're invited did you go no I'm not going. He's a felon? He's a felon. Your brother's a felon. We know what he is.

Is he really? Sure. You mean just like he just can't get a passport? I mean, it's a whole thing. I think he's in the clear now. Oh, good. He's a good guy. So your dad migrated from Jews in New York to Texas.

To Texas. There's Jews in Dallas. Yeah. No, there's Jews in Texas. to Texas. To Texas. There's Jews in Dallas. Yeah. No, there's Jews in Texas. Yeah. The Texas Jews, we call them. But there's not a lot of them. And I don't think growing up, it was like, you didn't feel part of it.

But like, so did he move there with your mom? Yeah. My parents, I was born in New York City and my parents are New Yorkers. And then when I was like eight months old, we moved to Dallas. Oh, so your whole life. My whole life. I wish I could say born and raised, but I kind of like that I was born in New York.

Yeah, yeah, you got it. I always thought you were from New York. I was born in New Jersey. Okay. Yeah. Another state people love to hate. Yeah, that's true. It's actually a very pretty state.

It's a great state. And a lot of good things come from New Jersey. New Jersey is like the heartland in a way for rock and roll and a lot of stuff. Bruce Springsteen. And the other one. Oh. With the three songs.

Bon Jovi. Yes, Bon Jovi. And that's it, right? Yeah, that's enough. That's enough. That's something. That's two, though. That's enough.

But did you have, like, family in New York? Did you have a connection to at least you could go? Did you see your grandparents or something? We would go. We would go visit my aunt and uncles. And my grandma lived there for a while. My aunts and uncles. And then they moved here.

What I always think is so weird- They moved to California? Sorry. To Dallas? No, to Dallas. Oh, really? Well- They wanted to be close to you.

No. My parents got divorced. Yeah. Yeah. And then my mom's parents had moved. Everyone moved. The whole mishpacha, as they'll call it, moved to Dallas. I always think it's so weird when you look at a family's attempt to exist

yeah and how that dissipates throughout time like you have your parents and they were your age ones my age i guess they were weird right and they did the best they could yeah and then it didn't work out and just all the things that befall those efforts does that make sense yeah you're being very diplomatic and mature about this well i just I just think like my aunt, for example. Yeah. Your father's sister? My father's sister. Yeah. My dad's family has like the dorkiest names.

Oh, yeah. I love it. His name's Fred, Arthur, Jerry, Lois, Thelma. Nice. The worst names. Yeah. Like the kind of names like an immigrant gives to their children because they don't know they're dorky.

Right. Or they want them to be American sounding. Right. Better than Jacob, Judith. Right. Just at least, I mean, I guess it was all the time. But I always think about like my dad, so he lived here and my Aunt Lois, I didn't, she was nice and she was married to my Uncle Cliff, who's a piece of shit.

And they lived in Florida and we would visit them and once in a while, and then they lived in Long Island. And like, these are just memories you have. And then one day my aunt got sick and my uncle Cliff without telling anyone just decided to move the whole family to Dallas thinking that my dad would like help take care of it right and then she died like three months later oh it's sad it's what it's but it's weird because like that's like a chunk of your life and your family gone no one talks about it she's got kids but like they were not really communicative it's just so weird to see a whole branch of a family crumble off.

Yeah. And you didn't see them anymore? I never really. I saw them when they were kids, and I don't live in Dallas now. But you didn't grow up with them, kind of? They happened later. And they're much younger than me. They're like 11 years younger than me.

Oh, it's so sad. It's just weird. Well, yeah. I mean, it's very hard to sort of assess. Like, my mother was 22 when she had me. Right. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Were your parents young? No, my mom, I think, was 32 when she got married. That's reasonable. It's reasonable. My parents are a different generation. Are they baby boomers? Yeah. Yeah.

They would definitely be. Well, they're old baby boomers. My mom's like 60. She's going to kill me. 60 something. 60 something. Yours are baby boomers. She's a baby boomer.

My dad's younger than my mom. I think my parents are like the generation right before. So between the greatest generation, the baby boomers, what was there? The almost baby boomers. Just like still kind of feeling, reeling from the depression? Yeah, a little bit. But no, but it's so weird to think your parents as kids. I still have a hard time being empathetic.

I think it's really sort of what we're saying here. Like how come your parents, what was the divorce? Messy, how old were you? I was seven. But, like, whatever. Really? I, uh. Were they just across town from each other? When they got a divorce? Well, I mean, did they live in Dallas? Everyone lived in Dallas? My dad moved away.

He did? My dad got an apartment, which was cool because he always had Fresca, and we didn't have soda in my house. He always had soda, because when you get a divorce, dad will buy you all the junk food. Yeah, just so you'll hang out. And just so you're happy and he doesn't care.

He's a man. What's he going to like buy you like special lactate and stuff? He doesn't care. And then my dad and my stepmom moved to Connecticut

and then I got to spend some summers there. What part? Stanford. Really? Like a nice part of it. Yeah. Like it had a nice yard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he left. He left. So he's not in dallas anymore he's in he moved back moved back for my brother who needed like a father figure as we gotta help that kid gotta do something well that's fucking selfless of him yeah i mean who knows who knows the real reason but i mean my brother then left my house and went to go live with my dad so i kind of became like an only child yeah my brother was like a couple blocks away you were with your mom it was my mom my stepdad how's that guy he's the best oh good randy's great and how's your stepmom she's great too oh i really lucked out yeah like they both are really lovely people and your does your mom's husband have kids yeah and your dad's wife has kids well they had kids my dad and his

wife had kids together okay so you have a half brother yeah and my stepdad had three kids from period i mean they're older than me oh my god but we don't all get together like we took there was like one or two family vacations with my stepdad and his kids but for the most part like it was just me yeah like siblings if i wanted them like rent a sibling so you grew up mostly with your mom yeah in dallas in dallas now let me let me try to project a personality so you grew up mostly with your mom yeah in Dallas in Dallas now let me let me try to project a personality on you okay you're very uh entertaining and full of energy what you had to have been a jock right I every so here's why it's a complicated question because I had a very not bizarre but it wasn't a it was atypical I uh I went to a private school

I went to a very competitive college preparatory private school yeah so it was atypical i uh i went to a private school i went to a very competitive college preparatory private school yeah so it was only 100 kids in our grade so in your high school itself there was about 400 kids yeah so while we were really competitive and we played football and we had sports and did all that stuff you played football i played football our school because everyone thinks texas they're like was it like friday night lights while our sports meant everything to us we weren't in a conference with like huge high schools. Right. So, and we didn't have-

You were in like the rich kid private school conference? Yeah. It's called the Southwestern Preparatory Conference. And we took it very seriously. So while it was like almost like a microcosm of experiences. Right.

There were no, no one got beaten up because everyone was there on their own academic merit. Right. No one was there- Because of sports. For the most part.

We would bus kids in, but you had to hang we did it was a little racist really but it had but it was fine um you give kids a chance and so uh so i played sports in private school you get to play yeah you get to be on the team you may not be on varsity but you get to be on one of the teams right so i always played and then i played lacrosse when i was on varsity because it was a brand new sport. Lacrosse? I played lacrosse and I swam. With the little netted baskets? Mm-hmm.

And you got to move it back and forth? You have to move it back and forth so the inertia keeps it in. And you got that? I got that. It was defense, so I didn't have to. I hated running. I stayed by the goal. So you were tough.

It's a tough sport. Yeah. And I very much enjoyed being aggressive. And you were a swimmer? I swam. What was your stroke? It was a breaststroke. That was mine, too. Yeah? Yeah. swimmer? I swam. What was your stroke? It was a breaststroke. That was mine too.

Yeah? Yeah. You swam? I did. What's your split time? I don't remember. I don't either. All I know is that I didn't do it at school.

I did it in part of a swim club. Okay. So you were good. Well, no, I don't know if I was good. I had a B time in the 50 breast. Never an A time. Never an A time. No, but I did all right.

You were in the second heat. Yeah. I've never been able to function competitively i think for swimming very life or death for me losing is just terrifying it's really it is i but but i think people who learn how to play sports can handle losing better first of all i enjoy i hate losing more than i like winning yeah like it's does that make sense yeah and you know you look especially in comedy like most comics didn't play sports and while i wasn't winning any awards and scholarships it still teaches you you're a little more well-rounded than the others i completely agree with that and i've said many times on this show that if you have

kids like get them just get them into some sort of sport so they can understand losing. Can understand losing. You understand what it's like to be a part of a team. Yeah. In terms of swimming, you were never going to be good at swimming unless you started from a young age. Right. The kids that we started, they were all like, oh, I did a swim club when I was 10 and it sticks with them. Right.

That's a skill you have to hone from a very young age. Yeah. I was never good at backstroke. It's only for like meaty tall women yeah that's a that's not the way the body should move i don't know what nazi invented the backstroke to get from point a to point b couldn't do it i'd always i'd always turn over before i got to the edge and fucking get disqualified yes the worst they tell you they're like you just know where the edge is because your hand hits it i'm like my hand is going hurt like 15 miles an hour yeah

i'm gonna really break something no No, I didn't like that. I fucked it all up. Yeah. So you're lacrosse and swimming. I did those. Pretty jockey. They're the sports. I didn't play field hockey.

I didn't, basketball was tiring. And I tried, I went to KU my freshman year before I transferred to Emerson. KU, what's that? University of Kansas. Really? Yeah, and I thought when I got there, because I was like, school's a piece of cake I'll

play some sports right I walked onto their like lacrosse team it was like a club team right um because they didn't have a school team and I played rugby for one week so I did both of those and rugby these are tough sports that's why I stopped yeah those girls are like corn fed like six feet tall like fifth year seniors like're going to block with our necks. I'm like, I'm not doing this for free. And then lacrosse, I remember I showed up hungover to one practice and we're running drills and I was like, I don't need this. I'm not getting any money for this sport.

I don't fucking need this. Like to play anything. There's no, you're not helping with tuition. Why am I killing myself to play with a bunch of lesbians? This is so weird. I quit. How Jewish were you brought up? I had a bat mitzvah.

Yeah, and that was it? I went to confirmation. I went to Sunday school. I went to Israel when I was 16. God, you did the whole thing. Did the whole thing, but... How was Israel for you? What's your dog doing?

What's the dog's name? Dog's name is Blanche. Hey, Blanche. Hi, Blanche. She's just wondering what's going on. Wait, you're one of these people that carries your dog around. You accessorize with a dog. No, hold on.

I don't carry the dog. You've got cats, and I prefer that my dog not dismember your cats in your own home. Oh, you're overestimating your dog and underestimating my cats. That one with the one eye. The gray cat, LaFonda, would rip this dog apart. LaFonda! Would rip him apart, her. Blanche.

When did you start doing this dog thing? I got the dog when I started touring. And I was like, I'm going to tour by myself. You brought the dog on the road? Is this a service dog? Yeah. Yeah. It is?

Sure. How do you? How do I get the letter from like a doctor? That's it. Isn't a service dog just a dog after a certain point? It's total bullshit. but what i believe is even more bullshit is that the airline charges you at all to take your pet on the plane i have a whole theory about this because people get very angry that it was a service dogs people have

service pigs like the whole thing's out of control an airline will charge your service pig oh that was like a whole thing on the news a couple months ago so i am so out of the loop with the important topics any they're just like clickable headlines like on the side of like gawker pig service pig the airline i have an issue not with rules but the airlines will charge you 100 to 150 dollars to bring a pet okay what if you put it in a box and put it in cargo you don't do that no more no one does that anymore right unless you're shipping a horse right they don't do that. No one does that anymore, right? Unless you're shipping a horse. Right. You don't do that. You can ship a horse? Yeah. Wow.

I do it all the time. I don't know. No, they put them in the horse carriers. I think that's been sort of frowned upon. Before you get all up on your soapbox about the justice of charging for a dog, I want to know what the prescription for this fucking dog is. What do you mean? What did the doctor write you?

It is like a, the language is something like diagnosed with a low-grade anxiety disorder. And this dog is, this patient is under my care and this dog is part of her therapy. A low-grade anxiety disorder. I'm paraphrasing low-grade anxiety, but it has to do with anxiety. Generalized anxiety. Generalized, because you don't want to assign, you don't want to give me something that like, if I run for mayor one day, they'll be like, it says on here that you're bipolar. You're schizophrenic and you need a dog to talk to.

So, I mean, I do. So she gave me something really, like we all have anxiety. Yeah. But. General. Have you ever been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder? On the paper. No, but I mean.

I've never seen a psychiatrist. Never seen a psychiatrist. You're so fucking well adjusted, Eliza. I don't know you're so fucking well adjusted eliza i don't know about that what do you mean i don't know about that you're just like a grounded and fucking jockey and you know doing the fucking thing it's not at all i'll tell you something i want to know how you're fucked up i'll tell you right now i i can't this this hit me this morning i have this thing where i go on dates with people and i like immediately don't want to see them after we have like like an intimate experience not sex not even sex just like making on the car like dry humping hand job oral what are we talking about i don't know okay

fine i think also because they annoy me i just i get turned off very quickly and it's not a rational thing but i just if i don't get a text that i like or an answer that i like i think they're being rude i'm like done later bye one time i blocked a number because a guy said something that i didn't like i don't want to deal with you ever he said that or you just blocked it and this is after one date we went on a couple dates i've told this story on my own podcast but i will say this i what's your own podcast called it's called truth and eliza so i'm just saying like i'm aware of the fact i told the story we went out four times yeah lovely dates cool guy whatever um what do you do he's in real estate and just to speed things along for funsies

i was like real estate wasn't a fucking red flag is it real estate but it's not like douchey real estate like i couldn't be a personal trainer so now i'm in real estate it's like legitimate i didn't know so you're saying it's high-end douchey real estate you mean it's not like douchey real estate. Like I couldn't be a personal trainer, so now I'm in real estate. It's like legitimate. I didn't ask. Oh, so you're saying it's high-end douchey real estate. You mean it's not desperate real estate. He had other hobbies. It's just douchey real estate. Real estate, personal trainer, and jewelry maker.

All three of those say to me the first option didn't work out. It used to be travel agent, yoga instructor, Pilates instructor. That just says acting didn't work. Sure, but that's okay. That's okay. Some of those people are very helpful. He was fine. But? But. So I, whatever. that just says acting didn't work sure but that's okay some of those people are very helpful he's fine um but but so i then whatever i'm i'm very okay with my body i sent him not a topless picture but like a half like a shirt like under boob kind of picture yeah right just just to be like hey

like look here are my boobs yeah fucking and i can't get over this to this day. He wrote back, me likey that picture a long time. Uh-huh. And I almost threw my phone in the toilet. What a mistake for the non-comedic personality to try to be funny. It's not, but it's hacky. Yeah. If you're taking that from Full Metal Jacket, it's hacky. Yeah.

And I didn't answer. And then he wrote, hero. Yeah. Hero? Come on. I couldn't, and i didn't answer and then he wrote hero yeah hero come on i couldn't so i didn't answer and then the next day he wrote why you know like me and i was like why are you talking in chinese asian baby talk i guess with the text he didn't quite understand that he was bombing oh right you couldn't hear yeah like a confidence silence right and that's also isn't that like a like a something that said in relation to a prostitute? Like, me love you long time?

Yeah, it was a Vietnamese prostitute. Right. Right. So that had other connotations. Just so many things. Yeah. I blocked, I was like, I don't want to see where this is going to go. Well, what was the last long-term relationship you had?

I don't know. Come on. I don't know. I don't, why does everybody want to know these things? I don't. I never talk about this. I'm trying to find out what makes you human. Okay. We should have done a pre-interview. I don't know. Why does everybody want to know these things? I don't. I never talk about this. I'm trying to find out what makes you human. Okay.

We should have done a pre-interview. What makes me relatable? I know what makes you relatable, but you do a lot of material about your experience dating, about like, and it relates, and a lot of women can relate to it. Sure. But what's the longest relationship you ever had? I've been in a couple of year-long relationships. Year-long.

Yeah. And the last one was, the the last one was about six months, and I ended that in March. How'd you end that one? I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't working. That was one of the slower, more adult, like, drawn out, like,

we broke up, and then we hung out, and then... It's hard, right? That one was just because he was so available and so good looking but ultimately those are horrible complaints how'd you live through it i didn't want to talk i didn't want to hear him i didn't want to hear his answers oh really questions well could you could you date like a playmate could mark maron date a playmate no i've been hypnotized by uh irrational beauty before and then what happens after the hypnosis wears off

well what ultimately happens for me when i dated uh you know uh well i married her i became um how'd that work out well it didn't but it wasn't me like i became very possessive i became you know very um sort of like i don't know if it's obsessive but i didn't i didn't understand relationship you know like that there's like another person there that has it's but for real sometimes and i think the older you get and the more i don't want to say hardened but the wider your eyes are open to the reality of situations some dude scolded me yesterday not dating him he's like you never asked me what i'm up to or what i'm doing i I'm like, we're not dating. I don't care what you're doing. And I don't think, I think sometimes I display male traits.

And he's like, you need to be more open. I'm like, don't you think women get tired of being vulnerable all the time? How about a little? Ask me about my dog. How about a little? You have to earn it. Not you. How long does it take to earn the openness?

You put your hand out, you see a dog and you put your hand out and you let him smell your hand? Yeah. It's like that. Okay. But if you're coming at me with lines and weird... As a comic,

you have to suss people out. Some people are... Me likey long time? I don't want to tell you my deepest secrets. Look what you said to me, you fucking maniac. Well, I think maniac's

a little much. Maniac. Maybe bore or... uh yeah uh but here's the other trade-off so you could spend your life analyzing these things and and looking for imperfections and all that stuff the other side i was out last night yeah i was talking to a very attractive man at a bar and you go to bars i went out my i went jody miller came with me this uh to feature in nashville so we went out last night because it's a fun but for the most part i don't go out when i'm on the road well you just do a one-nighter no we were there the weekend at zany's

at zany's it's great right i love it it's great i love nashville i love nashville yeah i love country music yeah so what's weird is like you come off stage right and you're a rock star and people want your picture and they bring you gifts and it's like this amazing thing. And the club, I wanted to go to this club called Acme. So Zany's called and they were like, oh, we went ahead, we called over for you. Yeah. No problem.

There'll be a line. Just go to the front of it and say who you are. Right. And I was like, cool. You know what? I don't give things chances. I'll go. Yeah.

I need special treatment too. I don't want to wait in line. I don't either. I won't go anywhere. Just as a girl, I don't want to wait in line. I just won't go. I don't know. I can't get to the front of the line usually. I can get on lists occasionally, but I don't like- You in line. I don't either. I won't go anywhere. Just as a girl, I don't want to wait in line. I just won't go. I can't get to the front of the line usually. I can get on lists occasionally, but I don't like it.

You can get in. All right. Come on. You interviewed the president. Let's get serious. I'll drop that at the Trooper door. You should. Bring this little bubble of things.

Yeah, my little glass dome. And I walk up to the guy, and I just went, hi, we're from, and not even using my name because I didn't expect him to know who I was. I went, hi, we're from Zany's, and he wouldn't even look at me he goes don't know and i was like oh god this is so embarrassing yeah i was like we're the comedians from zany's and they called he's like don't know what you're talking about i go really the word zany's means nothing to you and the anger is bubbling up inside me especially as a comic you're like what is the meanest thing i can say to you to make you want to kill yourself when you get home you fuck stick yeah with like a like a control fantasy anyways i just went okay

that was it you didn't say eliza under swessinger no i didn't want him to know that i was the one cursing his name as i walked away and i just my tail between my legs we just went to another bar what was i supposed to say what well this anger to me is very compelling. I was angry. I know. But then I really thought about it. Where'd you dump that anger later? You just sucked it up? Come on.

Where did I dump it? I came up with a couple of insults in my head. And then I felt good. Wrote them down. Made note of those lines. You know, you're attractive, but in a big city, you'd be about a four. Yeah, good. Good.

Nice one. Hey, when you're coaching your CrossFit class tomorrow, hope you think of your choices. Oh, zing. Anyway, I didn't say that. So what happened at that bar? So you said you were out at the bar. You had a few cocktails.

Well, my point is, so you can spend your life analyzing relationships and looking for someone to mentally simulate you. That's what you do with your act. Yeah, but it's very hard to separate the two. Okay. If it's an authentic act. Of course, you understand that. Yeah, so what I'm saying is you can spend your life and you do. to separate the two. Okay. If it's an authentic act. Of course, you understand that.

Yeah. So what I'm saying is you can spend your life and you do. I try not to. Okay. Really try. My point is I just end up talking to somebody very attractive, army. He's from the army, infantry, obviously, because he was retarded, but so hot. And I remember thinking, I remember thinking like, this is the other choice.

You could just be the girl with the hot boyfriend and you probably have great sex but there's not much else there except for like your love of like fridays could you do that no i don't know why you go to fridays i mean there are like and let's let's let's acknowledge that the word retarded is not a great word to use i understand it's a good word i know it's a good word but i I choose not to use it, but you're fine with it. He's not smart. Okay. But have you ever done that? Have you ever dated a dude that was...

I never talk about dating, and I don't know why. We don't have to talk about it. I like talking about it, because I've never done it in my life. Dated? No, usually I meet somebody in a way that they know me. Don't close up on me. No, no, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm agreeing with you. So that's why I'm just justifying talking about it. But you can't seem to maintain a relationship for more than a year. But I don't think that's on. And you have a very low tolerance. But the low tolerance thing. But you're quick and you're smart

and you're agile mentally, physically. I don't think men enjoy these things. Maybe that's true. But that's true but that's not you know and to say i can't maintain it i dated one guy who turned out to be a sociopath i couldn't really for real are you just throwing that word around no for real like i did uh i did a this is not happening about it i wrote an article about it yeah wrote a screenplay about it really really got to get it out like a real one yeah so no conscience

no capacity for empathy ice cold everything always from the beginning it at first it was sort of this like Downton Abbey-ish sort of area I just kind of like yeah uh held back I don't know like he was it was to me he was smart yeah and he was almost regal and just very cutting and yeah witty yeah and I appreciated that right and he was very kind to me just very cutting and witty. Yeah. And I appreciated that. Right. And he was very kind to me. He wasn't like, if I fell, he would be like, are you okay? But then it turned out he had lied about everything.

But to have something like that happen, you know, that takes a chunk out of you. Oh, yeah. And so. A trust chunk. Well, but everybody walks around and they want women to be open and vulnerable and forever just like ripping their hearts open. Like who wants to come on in? But like stuff like that takes time to heal and you're only in control of how it manifests itself to a certain extent right so i really went out of my way not to take it out

on anyone right that being said you know if you beat a dog enough eventually it's not going to want to like come out of its corner sure so the heart can only take so much for real yeah so there's that yeah and you know so you meet these guys and this is the first. Where do you meet guys? Are you on Tinder? No. God. I'm sorry.

Do you do a J day? No. Were you too much of a celebrity to do that? It really, I'm just famous enough. I'm just famous enough that I don't get invited to like a Rolex gifting suite, but it just fucks with my life enough that it's a little difficult. Yeah. Like I'm not like on a red carpet. No, I know know i'm the same place but uh i just started a dating app i'm not going to

mention the app but you have to like apply to be on it and i did it because i at a certain point you can't keep dating people that you know and you can't ask your friends nobody really cares if you date anyone right so i took it into my own hand so it's the first time in my life where i'm actually going on dates with strangers versus like a friend set up or something. I'm enjoying it. Yeah. I like having men to text and talk to. Yeah.

And then you suss it out and you see who you like and you figure it out. Right. But honestly, because I know this is the podcast where people open up. People have given me this feedback a lot lately where they're like wow you got a lot of rules and you are very black and white and i don't realize it and i think the older i get the harder it is to separate being a comedian from your actual i mean being a person but from being a person but like i look at your act and you and they're very similar like it comes from you it's not like you're up there with a banjo singing about vagina not anymore right not anymore didn't work out work out but um so it's it's hard to turn that off

and especially you know if one person criticizes you then it's them but if enough people saying it and i'm like sitting here my head is really i'm like what can i do to soften something that i don't even realize is coming out as harsh right well i mean, I mean, it's also weird too when you meet people and they know what you do or they Google you or they go watch what they're expecting or how do you know when people are, like you never know if people are like you because of your act or whatever.

Sure. But also I think part of it being, I hate to talk about the female comedy thing because I've had pretty good success with it. You know, you're on the defense a lot. Right. And then so the question is, if you're not on the defense what's gonna happen you're like well someone's gonna pull one over on me or someone's gonna say something shitty i mean i have memories of walking into green rooms and

no one would look at me that i hadn't met because male comics can be pieces of shit but you know years of that it takes a toll on a person in terms of rigidity. And so, you know, you try to leave it all on the stage and you try to leave it at a comedy club, but just that sort of armor that is accrued over time from doing something this difficult, it's there. I think that's there. Yeah.

But no, but like you're finding a lot of success in a business that's hard. And I think a lot of it has to do with having those experiences, walking into those green rooms with dudes that probably some of them over the course of your life aren't even funny enough to have the attitude that they have. Right. It is sort of a boys club. There's no way around that.

Sure. And, you know, once you get to a certain level, no one who for the most part, the people that are my peers and more successful than me, they're not dicks you're not a dick jim jeffries is not a dick joe rogan's not a dick because with success comes you know you kind of let your yeah you did it you made it yeah you you know you made your bones you paid your dues yeah and you're doing well so you know there's respect but it's a comics respect it's not like that chick's all right right you know what i mean yeah you work fucking hard you work hard and so i don't know i don't have a i i love my job and i take dates to the comedy store all the time you do all the time you're gonna have to see the act at some point right and i'm not ashamed of it and yeah so you may as well come but i never say you have to and then by

the third one they're like don't you do any new jokes oh my god when i was the worst i whenever i bring my my girl to the the club i'm like i'm gonna do a few of the ones you've seen it's the act it's the act gotta work out the act yeah i think it's so cute when they want to participate and they're like you know what would be funny or like and they because they you know you think that's cute i think it's cute my initial reaction is like yeah yeah okay well what they'll do i've noticed and by the way you don't have to come see my act but i'll be like i've got a set at eight i can meet you for dinner before after i don't drink before i go on stage so if you want to get shit face we can do it after it's always a thing i imagine most of them would go with after you know what the older i get the

more like i'm gonna be up early i'm like really the thought of me taking my shirt off and making out with you half drunk doesn't appeal to you fine loser all of them gotta be up early and they every men pass out i don't know what this is once i hit 30 yeah you make conversation with someone over text no answer sorry i fell asleep i'm like this is like a diagnosed issue passing out you better not be driving a vehicle but they'll come and then after they'll be like i noticed who like they'll look around the room to like help out they'll be like i noticed who was laughing at this joke right and i think it's endearing and i think it's a cute way to involve yourself in something you don't know much about right so i've never it's something you can never do ever yeah know it yeah all right so you go to where so you went to kansas university

university kansas university k Kansas for a year? Yeah, and I transferred to Emerson in Boston. Emerson, the comedian school. Yeah, the fighting comic. That's our mascot. Is it really? It's not. It's a lion.

I knew a lot of people went to Emerson. Is it still a good school for what you wanted? What did you study? I was a film major. Oh, yeah? Did you make little movies? I had a student film I had to make. How was that received?

We got a good grade. We had a lead. The lead was like a 40- a 40 year old man he dropped out the day before so local boston actor we had to put a mustache on someone who was like 19 because to us like mustaches were mature at the time yeah and then we were like fuck it we'll all wear mustaches yeah it was it's whatever i don't think the film teachers there give a shit as long as you do the project were there any old comics teaching there when you were there no no so what happened so you didn't want to pursue film you finished emerson then what happened i don't uh well i i moved i did a semester at c uh so i graduated early my mom would make me take for like your gen ed she would make me take when i would go

home to dallas in the summer i would take my gen eds at like a community college what are those like just like little bullshit requirements. Like an arts one. So like I took like aerobics. Because it takes one credit, but that's a couple thousand dollars you save your parents. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So I graduated early. I did a semester at sea. So you go on a boat around the world with 600 other kids. Really? Yeah. How was that? It was amazing. They did a season of The Real World on that boat.

Theo Vaughn was on that one. Oh, really? It was like two years before me or something. So you stop in like 14 countries. You get to see the world. Hammered, but you get to see the world. You get to be drunk at the Taj Mahal like an idiot. Yeah.

All sweaty and hungover everywhere. I was so sick. You were nauseous in so many parts of the world. At so many holy sites. And then you come home a little bit heavier than you planned. And I did the Emerson LA program. It's famous for, you move to LA and Emerson houses you and you take your last set of requirements at the Emerson LA Center and you intern in the industry.

And that's why Emerson is so prevalent in the entertainment industry. Right. Oh, I see. So where'd you intern? I interned at the now defunct United Artists,erson is so prevalent in the entertainment industry. Right. Oh, I see. So where'd you intern? I interned at the now defunct United Artists, which is a subsidiary of MGM. United Artists? Uh-huh.

It's gone? I think so, or it was, if I might have come back. It was in Century City. That's sad, because that was one of the first studios. When did the comedy start? When that bug hit you?

So I always did improv in high school. Oh, really? I was on the improv troupe. In Dallas? Yeah. I was always funny. You're always funny. People ask that.

You don't just become funny. You are funny. I've seen some people become funny. Really? In comedy, yeah. Like hone it, but they always had something. I guess. There are people I started out with where I'm like, how is anyone ever going to laugh

at this? And then somehow they click in. Because there's a difference between being naturally funny and learning how to be on stage. And there are some people that I don't think could even talk to other people

that became funny on stage. But I guess you were always, there's always an inkling there. Sure. You want to do it. Yeah. I knew I was going to make people laugh for a living.

So of course, I'm in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas growing up. It's watching and living color and watching Saturday Night Live and Kids in the Hall and stuff like that yeah so i was always into characters yeah and i did improv those characters like i always liked watching characters right and i liked sketch yeah i love sketch and i would write sketches and we would film them in my living room yeah we would do like we would recreate saturday night live sketches really and all my girlfriends

you know they want to be lawyers and doctors but they would come over and i would write them yeah and we would do oh Cajun boy and like. Do you still have these tapes? On a, yeah, hi-eight. Digitize those fuckers. Put them up on your site. This is when I was younger. It was like blackmail.

Yeah. And so we did that. And then when I got to Emerson, I was in a sketch troupe. Yeah. We were like the cool kids, which was my first experience with that. And then when I got to LA, I had done a one man show at at school that part's boring what was that about it was just but it was lacrosse it was just sort of whatever you're going to talk about in college yeah you know if you weren't molested then there's not a lot to talk about right uh but that was my and i've said this

before it was sort of my first foray from thinking in terms of a dialogue right just a monologue right so i took a couple of those jokes. Yeah. When I got to LA, I was like, I'm going to do standup. Like this is the next part in an evolution.

Right. And I did it. How old were you? When I moved to LA? 21. 21. Where'd you do standup the first time? Room five.

I don't know what that is. Above Amalfi on La Brea. Oh, I do know that room. With that giant glass five. Yeah. And I did that. I think I had like a herpes joke and a traffic joke classic and a pizza joke oh yeah pizza joke got everything covered i know

and i did that and uh then they came up to me and the guy that was running the room and he was like you're funny would you like to come back like next week or something and then i just without any goal and without any knowledge of the workings of a comedy store, I never even heard of the Laugh Factory. Right. Never even been to the improv. Right. I just started gathering spots and just working hard not toward anything.

That's my alt rooms. Not even, yeah, I guess they'd have to be. Mics. Mics. And then the improv was the first club to give me a chance and put me up and send me out to feature. Where'd you go? I would go to like the local, like Brea, Ontario, and it was always for black comics.

Oh, really? So I would open or feature for black comics. For black audiences? Black audiences. Oh, very black audiences. Really? That was how you sort of like got, you honed your thing? Yeah.

Your loud thing? My first, my loud thing, my no fear thing. Yeah, yeah. Black audience will let you know very quickly. Who were you opening for I opened for Mark Curry yeah he probably would never remember it

Bill Bellamy yeah my first thing I ever won was the thing called the MySpace So You Think You're Funny contest uh huh and you send in a video

of your stand up and I won but my prize was getting to open for Bruce Bruce at the House of Blues Bruce Bruce he was on my TV show and there's no way

he would remember it. Yeah. Sweet guy, though. Yeah, fair. I mean, I didn't, I was not a part of the experience that night. Mark Curry was a good comic, too.

He was. I haven't seen him in a long time. He does a lot of improv at the end of his set and he's a giant man and he was really nice. Yeah.

Bill Bellamy, smooth. Bill Bellamy was cool and then he hosted my season of Last Comic Standing, so that was nice. And then I remember my first gig

where they flew me somewhere. It was a club called Morty's. You ever been there? In Indianapolis? I think so. Yeah. And they sent me to... I never been there.

I know it. Yeah. They were known for their pork chops or something. They sent me to feature for a comic named Todd Lynn. Todd? I know Todd. He's dead. He's dead.

He had a baby arm. Yeah. Remember he had a baby arm? Yeah. Todd had a lot of problems. He was really hard to deal with, but I liked him. He wasn wasn't rude to me but he definitely had a chip on his shoulder definitely uh he wasn't warm but i remember i was like i'm in the big times now they flung me here they flew you open for todd lynn todd lynn the cranky bastard he was r.i.p yeah yeah he was a

he rubbed a lot of people the wrong way but i always liked todd it was i saw him before he died and he had lost his eyesight. Jesus. Like he, oh, God, it's just like I hadn't seen him in years. I saw him in Montreal, and he couldn't see. That's terrible. What a horrible, slow way to go. Oh, yeah.

I don't know what exactly happened, but, you know, he was a rough, he was tough on you. He was tough, and like I even heard him at one point muttering something. But I was like, oh, TV show? Where's my TV show? It all comes from that. And in my darkest moments of anger, it all comes down to how you view your own success. But then it really comes down to after that, how you treat other people once you're done being mad at yourself. So you do a big feature set for Todd Lynn where they flew you to Morty's.

Yeah. And then like, so when did you start working at the store? When did all that start happening? So you've been doing comedy over a decade? Yeah, it's about exact, almost,

yeah, 10 years. Maybe we'll, maybe we'll go with 10. Maybe, maybe I started at like 22 versus 21. And you fucking never stop. You work hard.

You work hard. Yeah, you do. Yeah. You wanted to be a comic. You weren't like trying to get acting roles. I have. That's the other thing. You work hard. Yeah, you do. Yeah. You wanted to be a comic. You weren't like trying to get acting roles. I have. That's the other thing.

You know, I've auditioned for, I've auditioned for almost everything. Yeah. Huge movies, test for TV shows all the time. But it's in that weird category where I've even had people be like, we're looking for an Eliza Schlesinger type. And I'm like, or you could just give it to me. Right. But it's weird. One of the things that I struggle is not the word, but for a comedian, I'm good looking.

And somehow that works against you. And people like each year, like being fat is in or ethnic people or girls that have red hair, you know. And I don't think the world has quite accepted that girls who look normal can be funny versus having like a hook so that seems to be something that i deal with on a but but you did all right with hosting and stuff i hosted i was i have a show coming out and i hosted that one i hosted a dating show which is when i had my fake hair right but you know we all get our i don't know well what happened with um like so what was the last comic standing like um like winning it yeah did that change things they gave me a career yeah

i'd only been doing it for three years and then i started last comic standing and that like literally you win and you have it is up to you if you want to sink or swim right and i had seen like my friends that had won it were already professional comedians right but you know yeah it gives a lot of people a second chance second chance and for me it was my chance and i just took it and you started headlining at three years started headlining really i took the 45 minutes i had and i was like i'm just gonna make this work yeah and you know there's that's hard it's hard because and to this day i guess i can say this i've built my following solely on stand up which is it's a rough path you know you're not coming to see me because you saw me on a show

right you're coming to see me because i've been to your city a couple times and i've like built that audience right that's the exhausting part oh that's old school going back a place two times a year three times a year and that's the only way to do it. And you got to have new jokes. New jokes. And then people, they want to know, is it going to be new material or old material? None of your business. Just buy the ticket. Yeah, yeah.

And then the Netflix special exponentially grew that business. The second one or the first one? Probably the second one. Yeah. Really did it. What's that one called? Freezing Hot. And it- What was the first one called?

War Paint. Yeah. War Paint. But it, you know, I look around and I don't see, sometimes I'll look at club lineups or like a theater lineup. Yeah. For months and I'll be the only girl on there. Uh-huh.

And it's just, it's a very gritty existence. Yeah. And it's a. What do you mean? To live the life of a comic on the road? I mean, it's, yeah. You go out and I like it. You go out every weekend.

Yep. And to the detriment of your social life at times, maybe your love life, you know, other things like that. And you're putting in these hours, the payoff being you one day hope to have comedy that it's like always there. Like if I never, if I was only an actress, I'd have to move home. I've booked one acting gig ever. Yeah.

So at the end of the day, I have that and it's never going to go away right no i i know that feeling that's the way i think now yeah like whatever it is i'm still a comic even though like i didn't necessarily get the level of um attention that i got just from doing stand-up and now people come to see my stand-up right because they know me right too well but like when you go to nashville did you draw yeah it was every show was sold out i've got i'm getting to the point now where shows are sold out weeks in advance great it's great and it's you say a long time coming that's totally relative but you know it really is about putting in the work and i see friends of mine they treat comedy like a social scene and I've never looked

at it that way that's the difference between you and them and that's the difference and sometimes between you know understanding the job at hand like it seems like you have a very practical understanding of it because like now there's a lot of people they're like I'm a comedian it's like well do you work as a comic not too much right so what the fuck is that yeah I mean you're like old school and that like you know you know that in order to make a living you got a headline on the road and in order to be good at it you know and comics come up to me i know they come up to you like you have any tips i'm like you got to get on stage yeah i don't want to hear that you're right a lot every night

sometimes with nothing to say yeah it's like being an athlete yeah you got to go to batting practice that's right and you have to treat it i was talking to someone about this the other day it's cool if your friends are there if you know me at all you know that i don't hang out at clubs and i'll tell other women i'll be like get the fuck out of here you don't want to be at the comedy store at 1 a.m no it's something happens at around 11 yeah people get raped yeah there's like it's like a witching hour the audience gets raped yeah they're exhausted and it's brain fucked totally Totally. And that's a very special place. But in general, you want to hang out with your friends, fine. Do the work.

Leave. Don't date the comics. Don't hang around. And I understand there's a networking aspect that I've totally missed out on. I fully get that. I've dated comics. You dated a comic. Dated one.

You learned that lesson once? He was not a problem. Yeah. We were never in competition with one another. But what was the problem with it there was no problem but the problem didn't know but i mean what but like um i guess i i wasn't trying to pry about your relationship but did you sense it the way people saw you because that oh that's good i remember one time the i remember one time someone was like she only won last comic standing because she dated Brett Ernst. And I'm like, I can't wait to tell Brett how much pull he has at the network.

And he's a good guy. No, he's great. Yeah. You got to do the work. Right. And, oh, yeah, I'll see comics. What happens is there's classes of comics, right? You come up with your class, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's weird because someone like you, we did La Jolla. I was afraid to even talk to you. That's always shocking to me. Sure. But I get it. Who's in your class? I don't know.

Because of Last Comic Standing. You jumped ahead a little bit. Yeah, and there was not even necessarily in terms of I'm better than anyone, but in terms of I didn't come up with anyone. Right. Maybe like a Chris D'Elia because I remember we did La Jolla together. That's about right, yeah. I'm just trying to think of people i see a lot right um but you know you got to go out and you put in your work and i see these like younger comics who will look at

older comics and sort of emulate them but you're all they're almost emulating the energy and the attitude that happens and none of the work is there right oh right and they come on stage my biggest pet peeve is this come on stage you got seven minutes and i come up with like a beer yeah i'm like listen you're not ron white you don't need it for like the pauses put your fucking drink down let's hear your jokes about being a stoner like this is not a relaxing thing you're at work well you got to pretend that you're not afraid somehow sure sure whatever you have to grip yeah exactly whatever you got to hide behind to hide that fear. But that's an amazing work ethic because I think that's the truth.

And I think that what's happened more than anything else is a lot of people will say they're comics and there's no indication of that. Other than they've gotten on stage a few times at bringer rooms. Yeah. But like to be a comic, you got to fucking do the job. And you do the job. You got to do the job. And I don't even think, you know, if you're lucky enough're lucky enough to be this miserable then you're a comic well you don't even know what it is it's like is it misery i mean you obviously have some anger issues that you know you're either going to resolve or you're not as i'm backing out of your driveway yeah good luck yeah i'm not scraping

your car no but um but you know that that sort of and also that determination but who the hell knows why you get the bug i mean i like you know some people have and they don't it really determines who's going to really you know chase the fucking thing down and nail it sure like because it's it's just it's almost it's not even an obsession it's almost like you don't even have a choice it's that's completely it it's weird you don't have a choice it never occurs to us not to go do that right spot. It's weird, right? Not to take that gig. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a drive.

I feel lucky that I have that. Yeah. Because some people are like, I don't know what I want to do. Like, I feel lucky that I have a purpose that drives me. Right. In a very weird way. But that really is what it comes down to. Well, it's great that you're getting this draw now.

Because like a lot of times, Last Comic Standing, you go out and then a lot of them people they fizzle out a little bit they get almost all of them right they do that headlining year yeah and then they don't generate new shit or whatever or or whatever if it's a gimmick it dries up but you know you just sort of like you took it and then you kept building it's great it's it's a part of it i mean there's hard work there's also luck like you never know but some of the best comics build followings from comedy. Right. The guys who really sell the big tickets, they don't have TV shows. Joe Coy, Gary Goleman.

Brian Regan. Brian Regan. Even Gaffigan, for some degree. And while I'm not in that pantheon, I still... But those are real comics. Sure. That's all comedy. Yeah.

The gigs will come and go. The TV shows take forever. In the meantime, go and have your TV shows take forever in the meantime go and have your actual career new hour every year every year yep

which is now even difficult because Netflix is so popular I know there's like a queue to get your special on there so what happened with The View how'd you get that gig oh The View

how many episodes so this is so for people who don't know I was on one episode you get these gigs coming up and you you look at people who don't know, I was on one episode. You get these gigs coming up and you look at people who have careers and it's like, oh, he's the- On TV. On TV.

And it's like, oh, he's the fashion expert or she's the chef. You almost, very few of us get to dictate our careers. Like Leonardo DiCaprio gets to cherry pick what he does and what kind of actor he wants to be. Right. For the most part, we're like, someone's like, hey, you're going to host a dating show and you're going to be the comic that knows

about dating now and you have to work so hard to mold that. But you don't want to turn down the opportunity because I used to get those and sometimes they don't fit and your manager convinces you

that it'll be a good experience because you're going to be on TV, you're going to learn how to read prompter or whatever, you're going to learn the skill of hosting

and they kind of sell you on this idea that no exposure is bad exposure and then you do these things and you look at it and you're like to learn the skill of hosting. And they kind of sell you on this idea that no exposure is bad exposure. And then you do these things, and you look at it, and you're like, what the fuck was that? I wasn't even being funny.

What do I pay you for? Right. I was just sitting there. And I think, at least in my head, I always think I can make something funny. I always think I can make it good. You underestimate the power of a shitty show to drink.

I really, and editing. And so I always take it, and I'm like, you know what? Yeah, maybe I could make that. Make it my own. Honestly honestly every time you make it your own right except for the view right it was so they i took a meeting i had this whole thing i wrote a pilot for abc and so

they wanted to like keep me in the whatever right family and all these meetings and the executive there who is who doesn't work there anymore took took a meeting. I was very excited. I wore a button down. And he was like, let's get you one. Because they were trying out guest hosts with their panels. I was like, come on The View. And I want a late night talk show. It's what I've wanted from the get-go. And the only reason I have a podcast

is so I can work on listening to people. And so I was like, daytime talk show. And I always love the effervescence of daytime, like daytime variety shows. Yeah, no, they're great. And I was like, I think I'll be good love the effervescence of daytime, like daytime variety shows. No, they're great. And I was like, I think I'll be good. I think I'm, I think it could work. Right.

And I was so excited. And I just bought a house. And like in my like most vulnerable moment, I'm like, oh my God, I just bought this house. And I'm going to have to move to New York because I'm going to be so good at The View. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll have to be bi-coastal. Like I'm planning this out. And they fly me there.

I get to The View and my my agent's there and i get there and it's a big shot it's a big shot and you know it's a show watched by at least 15 overweight black women at at uh noon during the day so i get there and they give you like 40 topics and i research all of them because i'm not about to look stupid in this segment do you overwork well i just made sure i was prepared right for some of them and a all of them because I'm not about to look stupid in this segment. Do you overwork? Well, I just made sure I was prepared. Right. For some of them.

And a lot of them are opinion based. And honestly, what they're talking about, there's never anything polarizing for the most part. Now, who are they? It's Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. It's Rosie Perez. Yeah. It was this woman, this white woman named Nicole Wallace who was like the Republican.

And it was Raven-Symoné. So I get there. do you know raven simone is she the what does she do she was on that when she was a kid she had that show that so raven she was a little one on the cosby show she was oh yeah okay good so i get there i'm very excited i don't like and they're regulars they are the regulars right raven simone was not and that's why this is important so i get there and they say well you're here on kind of an interesting day and i'm like yeah interesting today is the day that we announce raven simone will be a permanent cast member and i'm like okay not sure because she had been like filling in she got the job you were supposed

to be in a way in a way and i'm like okay it was great for her so maybe there's whatever maybe whatever so let me just go just go home so they go you have an option you can either be out on the stage with the ladies as a cast member

when we introduce Raven and like welcome her as a permanent member or we can welcome Raven and we're gonna have like confetti it's gonna be cute

and then we'll have you come out and I said whatever you guys want yeah to shit on her party right I'll do whatever you want I'm just trying to be easy and congenial so we go over the topics i tried talking to whoopi goldberg she really wasn't having it i went over to her and i was like hey

you know i i watched your uh documentary on mom's mabley and i think that and i was just like i loved it i saw it on the plane yeah and i was like, how was that for you? And she just looked at me. She goes, well, I liked it. And I was like, oh. Like, here I am, a female comic, trying to talk to a female comic. Did you say you liked it? I did say I liked it. I was like, I really enjoyed it. And I was like, how did that, I think I asked, like, how did it do?

Yeah. Right. And she goes, well, I liked it, which is code for it didn't make any money. Right. But it was such, like, an icy thing. And I'm like, fine. Who knows? And I'm in her space.

And I'm cool. So I say, I'll do whatever you guys want so they go okay you know what we're gonna have you out there when we announce the show you'll walk out there with the ladies and we'll have raven come on later so they start the show they're like it's the view the audience warm-up guy everyone's applauding so i come on stage uh what's her name will be goldberg's like all right all right all right welcome to the view okay and i'm like all right she's gonna say my name it's gonna be amazing. Let's get started.

Today's a big day. I'm sitting there. I'm sitting at that panel. And Raven's done. They've done the Raven thing. She's not there yet. Raven's not there yet. Because I said they wanted me to come out with the panel. Today's a big day.

I'm like, they're going to say it. I'm a guest host on The View. Raven Simone is a permanent host. Confetti comes down. I'm standing there. No one has said my name. No one has introduced me. And I'm just clapping. She comes down. I'm standing there. No one has said my name. No one has introduced me. And I'm just clapping.

She comes out. She hugs us. Still no one knows who I am. And she came out. She brought us each food. She goes, I don't do gifts. I give food. And backstage, some PA was like, what's your favorite food?

And I was like, I guess I like bacon. She goes, Eliza, I know you love bacon. I'm like, I don't fucking know you. And she just gives me this thing of bacon. Yeah. So we all sit'm like okay now whoopi's gonna announce me whoopi's like all right let's get to the first topic she wouldn't look at me she wouldn't say my name no one knows who i am and there's five of us just sitting there and every single topic they either would like ice me out and not acknowledge me. Or if I made a joke, they would like try to point out why I was wrong.

No one knows my name at this point. Still no one has said, this is Eliza Schlesinger. Oh my God. To the point where, and then the commercial would come up, no one would look at me. And I'm sitting there and I'm like,

what did I do? I, I, I'm just, I wanted to be a part of this and I was so excited. Like to the, like someone made a joke about the cloud, right? And the joke about the cloud is that no one knows how it works. They made a movie about it.

And so I made a joke. They're like, oh, we saw it in the cloud. This is one of the stories. And I go, right, because everyone knows how the cloud works. And Nicole Walls goes, well, there are settings. I'm like, that's your input. There are settings. And that was it.

And the segment ended, and no one would look at me. No one would talk to me. And you were there for the whole show? I was there for the panels in the morning ended and no one would look at me no one would talk to me and you were there for the whole show I was there for the panels in the morning and then they each do then they had to move on to their pressing

eight minute segment about oatmeal that came next right and I walked out of the building like the next step would have been

security escorting me out none of the producers would say goodbye none of the women said goodbye what the fuck happened I have no idea what did your agent say I was livid the angry one i was i walk outside i don't do a bad job you watch

if i go on a game show i go on things like it's fun and you have fun and they have you on because you're a funny person for a living i've never done a bad job i've never let anyone down like that i consider myself pretty professional and i'm almost in tears but i don't want that to happen and i'm just my agent's like i don't know what that was i'm so sorry i have no idea the work floor i get a call from the producer he goes well that didn't go well and i'm like why are you saying that to me i didn't i did my job and i didn't do anything no one introduced you nothing he goes yeah here's what I think I think uh I think you don't come back tomorrow and I was like can I keep the hotel do they let you yes you don't come back tomorrow we're gonna have you back in a couple weeks

and I'm listening to him and I'm not I would have come back the next day just because I don't want to back down from anything but I sincerely asked him Iael let me ask you this in a couple weeks will nicole wallace be any more relevant will rosie perez be any smarter and will be goldberg be less of a bitch to me the answer is probably no and then the show like completely unraveled and he got fired but it was yeah it was i think those women you know everybody gets jealous this was a couple months ago i think it i think i was hurt because i understand someone's younger than you or funnier of course there's a competition thing but especially as like another woman on a show that's supposed to be all about women yeah they were so cold and you don't think it had anything to do with the

exchange with whoopi initially no because i came up and I said I liked her documentary. And that was it. That's so weird. Because this is one thing about show business that bothers me. There's a lot of things going on we don't know about when we walk into situations. Yeah. I mean, probably what happened was they'd given fucking Raven that job already. Yeah.

And they didn't know who it was going to be. But she must have done something right. And they negotiated that deal. And you were still on the books. And they didn't see any reason not going to be, but she must have done something right. And they negotiated that deal. And you were still on the books. And they didn't see any reason not to have a guest host. Sure. But whatever they were up to was probably over. I think there's that.

There's also, I know that some people don't want to be on the show. The show isn't doing well. I think I walked into a storm. Right. So I didn't take it as personally but that being said like if you're and i've had this happen once or twice where you're a guest on a show and the host for whatever reason is having a bad day yeah and then they make you pay for it yeah like look you invited me here yeah and that's tough because and it's a live show you really could have fucking done something i could have said some f-bombs

it's one of those moments where as a professional or as a sane person you're like look i'm not gonna i'm not gonna yell at you and be like hey whoopee you're wearing socks with sandals you maniac like i'm not gonna do that i'm just gonna walk away quietly and then go on a large podcast and talk about it but there are those moments in hollywood where you really like you could make a name for yourself by going batshit crazy right or you could just be professional and walk away and no one will ever see that episode yeah it's a decision it's a line in the sand yeah what do you can good for you for making the decision i didn't even draw the line i just went home you just went home you could have been the chick that said fuck and lost her mind on the view i don't think i'm that person like i don't think i'm the person that has the freak out

i've had freak outs but not like that no you know usually at home in front of people i love right not as epic no it's like a nightly occurrence well what do you do with all this fucking you know like i guess like i don't know you like it seems like you know we talk a lot about anger but like on a day-to-day basis do you experience it or you just like keeping your nose with a grindstone i'm angry all the time i'm angry and frustrated all the time. And the only thing that sort of curbs it is the fact that it's funny.

If I'm angry, something funny is going to come out of it. Yeah, I know that one. Angry or sad. Pain or anger generates a lot of stuff. Yeah. But what's the source of it generally? I don't know. Maybe it's a general frustration. Like at Starbucks or wherever you go for coffee, you're like, God damn it.

Like that? It has to do with, I feel social contracts get broken a lot of times. Like I was on the plane today. And now look, the only one being harmed by this is me. I don't take it out on people. I don't snap. Except yourself.

Except myself. Right. But what are you going to do? And you might make people uncomfortable because you're stewing. Just ever stewing. Yeah, yeah, right. Like people are like, what's her problem? myself. Right. But what are you going to do? And you might make people uncomfortable because you're stewing. Just ever stewing. Yeah, yeah. Right.

Like people are like, what's her problem? Yeah. Yeah. But if you just come up to them, I'm very nice. Like I would never take it out on someone. Well, what about these social contracts? Social contracts. So like today I'm on the plane.

Yeah. And the woman in front of me, it's my husband and wife and they have a baby. I understand. Baby's crying. Nothing you need to do about it. Yeah. I'm sleeping. And all of a sudden I hear very loud the alphabet song coming from the woman's iPad.

Right. She's playing it for the kid. Right. Put fucking headphones on your kid. Yeah. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So the kid's not crying, so you're going to make everyone listen to the alphabet song? Yeah.

Things like that where people just like, I try not to have much of a carbon footprint or social footprint. And I try not to like, let my thoughts like hurt anyone or my actions. That is so fucking rude. Yeah. And I'm the only one paying for it because I have to now hear the alphabet song. And lock into it. Yeah.

And just let it just destroy you. It destroy. And so you breathe through it, but then like, so she's ignorant. But if I say something, then I'm at fault because she didn't do it deliberately, but I would be saying something deliberate. So then I'm the bad person.

Right. What do you do? And these things happen. You know, it's easy to say, let it go. But I don't get mad in traffic or anything. It's little things like that where it's like in your space. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you have to understand what I'm saying. I do. Okay. But I do get mad in traffic. I still, I like, even though i know that's something i have absolutely no control over i still think it's uh an injustice somehow right and it's my shit luck like and it's just you well that's it is it like like it's like uh like i have to go back to something when i first got sober and my you know the my second wife who was a comedian you know like I'd get mad about something and she would go just like your whole fucking life right but but but it was the point was it's like a lot of it doesn't have anything to do with you

because sometimes I'm like I feel okay you know I'm not mad and I can make those choices there's some part of you that's you get something something out of being angry. Like, you know, I'm not sure what it is and it's not a good thing, but you get something. There's some endorphin, there's some good chemical released because if it was legitimately anger, because these all sound- But you're not miserable. No, I have, of course we all have bad days. No, but I mean, you're not sad. No, I don't have depression and I'm not sad.

Right. So like like you know there's some part huh yeah i know but where does that come from i mean i can't always track it i have it but um it but it's upsetting so what do you think is going to make you uh be able to be like all right i did it i did it i i would like well i haven't had the thing i haven't had like the one thing. Tiny steps. I want a late night talk show. Yeah.

And we, I've made. Or an afternoon talk show. I don't think, I think I've been banned from the world of daytime. Especially after this airs, they're definitely never having me back.

I've made maybe five pilots for that. Uh-huh. People don't see that. That's the other thing. They don't see the pilot. People don't see your efforts. Yeah. They come up to you. Why aren't you on on any shows why aren't you in a movie that's

my whole career yeah i mean like i don't think i don't think my father thought i was doing anything that of any importance to obama was here oh my god that's that was that was a real red letter day for you yeah that is huge yeah um but people don't see that you know and they come up to you and they they ask you these questions that are so they don't like well they don't see that you know and they come up to you and they they ask you these questions that are so they don't like well they don't know what we do for they don't know right and even to look at me and be like you work hard it's like that's the tip of the iceberg right they don't see you or other comics running to three auditions two meetings flying home early to get some sleep so you can go to another meeting several pilot deals that don't go anywhere

everything nobody sees any of that a lot of times that's what funds most of your, like day. Sure. Day, career. Yeah. I want a late night talk show and I think that, that would make me happy.

Yeah. I'm very happy when I'm actively working. Right. Or just really the. And there's something frightening as much as we, and even with me

because when I started this podcast, there's something frightening about only only there's something frightening and beautiful about knowing you always have stand-up because like because like sometimes when you're like well if everything else goes away at least i have my stand-up but if you really look down that tunnel it's an ugly tunnel sometimes room service yeah and just sort of like how long do you how long do you can you keep your audience how you know what happens it's terrifying it's terrifying uh it's comforting and terrifying right it's like stockholm syndrome uh and it is yeah so what what do you got in the in the pipe right now do you got something going on so that's the other

thing i always i'm always reticent to and i will happily say them to talk about things we live in What do you got in the pipe right now? Do you got something going on? So that's the other thing. I'm always reticent, and I will happily say them, to talk about things. We live in a town where everyone's always lying. And I never want to be that person. Right. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you see an Instagram picture and someone will be like a picture of them on set and be like, stay tuned for next year, you guys. Like, fuck off. Show me the listing on the TV Guide channel.

If it's not there, it's not a thing. Well, I'm happy for you. Well, thanks. You work hard. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Don't we have the same manager?

Do we? With Avalon? Yeah. I don't think I had an agent for a long time. I mean, I had a manager that would get favors from agents, but I don't think

I actually had an agent. I do now. Probably save more money that way. Well, yeah, I don't. You know, they'd send me out on one audition and then I'd be like, do I have an agent?

I don't know if I have an agent. Yeah. That makes it almost sound cooler that you don't know. I'm just so. Well, no, I guess it was cool. It was always frustrating. Yeah. Because I always thought like, I just must really suck.

Like, it always felt like they'd send me out on two auditions and I wouldn't get anything. It would be over. That would be it. But now in retrospect, I know exactly what was happening. It was you. No, it was just sort of like, no one knew what to do with me and dave becky would be like can you do me a favor and like take mark on and then try it out yeah well yeah but i i ultimately it had to end and nothing happened for me until after that ended it's a looking back that's such a crazy long story

like your personal journey oh yeah i was with i was with fucking becky for 20 years and by the way like we should all get awards for sticking it out like good for you for not moving home to chicago to start a family that unfortunately when i looked over all my options yeah you know when shit got bad there weren't any what's it gonna say it was like you know it's like what am i gonna do i'm fucking 20 years into this. Yeah. I'm in deep. What the fuck am I going to do? So you're first, you're like, I will settle Eagle Rock. I will be a pioneer in Highland Park.

Well, no, it was like, it's sort of like, how do you disappear? Because the pride element of it, which I think you have too, is like, if things aren't working out, there really, there is no plan B and you don't even know if your pride can handle that. I mean, imagine if you have to survive, you'll figure out a way, but what a fucking heartbreaking bit of business

that would have been. You'd have to move to the woods and work in a general store. Or just get a face change. Yeah. I would dye my, if something happened and I couldn't

for whatever reason, I would move to the Pacific Northwest and I would dye my hair black and i would wear glasses and i would work in like a craft store yeah you see we have the same exit strategy you're my manager yes well thanks for doing it it's good talking to you thanks for having me mark that's it that's the show she's intense she's a lively funny woman i was glad i had her on go watch her show it's a separation anxiety premieres march 8th on tbs you can watch

my special more later on hulu or amazon prime starting today you can go to you can go to wtfpod.com for all your WTF pod needs. Got a bunch of posters up there. I seem to be in the poster business. There's a lot of posters. You can get on the mailing list. You can leave comments if you have an identity on Facebook so I know who you are.

You know, do the stuff. Listen to the podcast. Get pushed through a link to howl.fm for the uh for the archives now i think i'll play a little guitar Thank you. guitar solo Boomer lives! It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction.

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