WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 697 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: April 11, 2016

Comedian Nikki Glaser and Marc share a bond that might be deeper than love: They share an eating disorder. Nikki and Marc talk about how they've both struggled, where they've found support, and what they needed to fix elsewhere in their lives in order to make progress. Also, Marc tries to help Nikki extricate herself from what might be an abusive relationship... with her therapist. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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How are you, what the fuckers? What the fuck buddies? What the fucksters? What the fuckadelics? What's happening? I'm Mark Maron. This is WTF, my podcast. I'm sitting out in my garage. It's evening time. It's a couple of days before when you're hearing this. report on how everything went in iowa city and nebraska and kansas city missouri but i don't because i i got this in the can before i left because i thought it would be smart but that's okay because um what's pretty exciting is what's i'm gonna see if i can speculate how everything

went i'm just gonna see and then on on thursday i'll confirm it or I won't. I'm going to say that Iowa City went pretty good. I went long because I was overcompensating because I hadn't done a long set in a while. But I thought everything worked pretty well and I got quite a few new things in. I'm going to say that Lincoln went really good because I was excited about being in Lincoln. I've never been to Lincoln. I've never been to Iowa City either. I was a little nervous about running into some people I know there. But, yeah, they showed up, and they made a scene a little bit and disrupted the show.

I'm really going to town on these speculations. But the show was good. The show in Kansas City, I'm going to say, was not as light as I thought it would be, and people were excited to be there. And, you know, after the other two shows, I was tight, and my new material

was working great, and everyone had a really good time. And the drives were spectacular. So let's see if that turns out to be true on Thursday. Those are all speculations, not unlike people speculating who's going to win a primary. I'm speculating how my short Midwestern comedy tour went. And I will either deny or confirm those reports and give you the real reports on Thursday. Did I mention Nikki Glaser as my guest today?

Nikki Glaser, who I love, and we have something deep in common. And I'll talk about that before I bring her on. I know some of you would like a cat update. I can do that today. Again, if something happens over the weekend, which I won't be able to report to you until Thursday, God forbid, maybe one of my cats will learn how to fly in the house or shit on

something. So all I can do is tell you what's happening in the immediate situation as it stands now. Monkey's face is getting better, thank you for asking. Turns out, not cancer. His whiskeys are growing back and he's starting to look like a happy cat again with a balanced face full of whiskers. Fonda is fine. Very verbal, very dainty, but dangerous. Got her a new scratching post because the other one was over a decade old and that one had to go out with the ongoing purge because that one was at least 12 years old.

That one was here when my ex-wife was here. It's been through a lot. But it was all shredding and making a mess. So I got her a big new one. And as you cat owners know, that's a bit of a roll of the dice, isn't it? Buying the new big cat thing for the cat. Because you don't know if they're going to fucking use it. And you can just sit there and look at it until you just have to move it outside.

Because they didn't use it. They gave it to another cat owner. But I'm happy to say I sprayed some catnip spray on that thing. And she's crazy for it. Big news here at the cat ranch. Underneath the house, deaf black cat rules and lives. He's so comfortable under there that he's getting fat. So now I got a fat, deaf black cat living under my house that still freaks out every time he sees

me even though i fucking feed him not resentful i'm happy i know where he is out front scaredy cat the joker cat the joker cat i call him that because his mouth's all fucked up and it looks like he's grinning he's showing up he's eating he's fat as fuck there's at least a 10 to 12 year old feral cat fat you know see how i'm saying fat i think that's going to lead to something in a moment big head doesn't come around much big head is this cat with this full-on big old set of balls and a big old fucking fat head to match it who comes over here and occasionally if i leave my garage open will come in here and piss on something haven't seen him around here did see him down the street and that's the cat update from the cat ranch thank you for asking i had jose my guy that takes care of my uh of my um what do i want

to call it of my my small plot of grass out front comes by a couple of times a month and chops things and mows things. But I had a tree problem, man. My neighbor, Adam, he's got this huge pine tree that was basically engulfing my house. And there were other trees that were engulfing my house. And it's weird as a homeowner, for me anyways, that it takes me a long time to realize that I'm going to have to do something about that. me anyways, that it takes me a long time to realize that, you know, I'm going to have to do something about that, that nothing, there's no natural event that's going to happen where, you know, a fire hazard and a needle factory, a pine needle factory that just covers my roof is just going to go away. So I finally asked my dude, Jose, who's a nice guy, speaks no English,

but does a great job about the tree. I pointed up at the trees like a moron, and I said, you do? Do you know a guy, trees, like a fucking idiot? And he looked at me, and like, I trust this guy. And he came, and he brought three guys with him. He climbed up into the tree with a little harness and just trimmed this giant fucking, it must be a hundred foot pine tree, all the way up.

Gave it a little poodle job. So now it's just got pines at the top, cleared everything away from my house, cut a dead tree down, trimmed back everything. Did a great job, but now somehow or another, and this happens a lot, I look up at the trees and I feel like I've accomplished something. This happens even when I put garbage cans out. Once the garbage guy comes and they're empty, I'm like, look what I did. I did this amazing thing by taking my garbage out.

This is the life I live when I'm not engulfed in shooting television. I'm cleaning. I'm putting things away. I'm throwing things away. It's my life. I'm cooking again like I run a restaurant. This has happened before. These are cycles, people. I'm feeding fat cats. Nikki Glaser, I'm very excited to have on because we have a deep bond. We have something deeper than that might even be

deeper than love even. We share an eating disorder, a lifetime struggle with an eating disorder. And we talk about how we met. We met around an eating disorder. And I'm a man. And as many of you know, if you listen to this show, I am functional, but I have a horrendous eating disorder. I mean, I don't vomit. I don't starve myself, though I'd like to. Oh, God, would I like to. But I don't. I have body dysmorphia. I have, if I, it is penetrating to my core. I was brought up in a house by a mother who has an eating disorder.

And I've never been comfortable with my body in my entire life. And some days are better than others. As I get older, it gets better. I have some self-acceptance. But the shame available with a three-pound difference is self-annihilating. I'd rather disappear than feel my pants be tight. It's a sad state of affairs. I try to be funny about it.

And I think that, I don't know that men talk about it enough. I know I'm not alone in having body issues and an eating disorder. And so I just want to put that out there. It sucks, but I made room today to eat a bunch of almond butter compulsively. Yeah, I'll just sugar out for about a week until I feel doughy. And then I'll just, you know, just short of, you know, hitting myself, I will, which would be my exercise. The compulsion to exercise is basically punishment for those with eating disorders. But Nikki is amazing.

She's had some progress with hers. I've had a bit with mine, and it's a big part of this conversation, really. So I hope you enjoy that. Nikki's also heading into the season finale of her Comedy Central show, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser. It airs tomorrow, Tuesday.

And I believe she's got a special out there as well. And I loved seeing her. And this is me and Nikki. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know, we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations,

how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special

5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m in rock city

at torontorock.com blazer what's going on where'd you why where do you drive in from where do you drive in from? I drove in from work, but I live here now. Yeah. I actually drove in from a massage, and then I talked to my therapist. You talked to your therapist? I just really wanted to get in the right headspace. You talked to your therapist on the way over?

On the way here, emergency call. Did you get the fuck out of here? Well, she's in New York York and I moved here in August. So I haven't been able to see her. So we just do like 10 minute calls whenever I want. I just call her like, hey, can we talk whenever? And we just set up a time. 15 minute calls.

When does that just become a friend you pay? Exactly. It seriously has become that. Good old Donna. 10 minute calls with a therapist that she charges you for? Yeah, we just have, yeah, she charges me for, and it's kind of just like, she'll just remind me, hey, can you send a check sometime?

Like, it'll just go a really long time without me sending a check. Is this a licensed person, or is this just a- I think so. Someone you met at a comedy club? Like, I could really help you. She is someone I was recommended after I did a podcast someone wrote me and was like girl you got issues i once saw a therapist to break up with the current therapist i'm seeing because i've been told so many times that she's terrible for me but now we're good i think did you guys go to

couples counseling i'm serious i went to go see another therapist, and he was like, I can't take you on, but I'll tell you what to say to her to break up with her. And then I went back to her, and it just didn't work. Oh, so you tried to break up with your current therapist, but it didn't happen. Yep. But were you still calling the other guy, like saying, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this? Because he wouldn't take me on.

He was like, I can't take anyone anyone else on but I'll just give you the tools right now we had one session that I paid him for he dealt more in like pharmaceutical like describing drugs he wasn't more like talk therapy he was a pill pusher he was like okay fill out this evaluation how do you feel about this how you feel about that

why don't you try these yes and I kind of need that person right now psychopharmacologist. Yeah. Like a shrink that just does an assessment and then just experiments with you. Yeah. Really? You need that now? I mean, I have that in LA, but I don't think she really knows what she's doing because

I literally suggested a migraine medication to her. I'm seeing her right now because I needed someone to give me medication in LA. For migraines? Just for my meds that I'm seeing her right now because I needed someone to give me medication in LA. For migraines. Just for my meds that I'm on. I had a doctor in New York, moved here. He couldn't prescribe me stuff in California. So I had to find a psychopharmacologist, went to go see this lady. She gave me my stuff.

But then I was like, I'm having migraines. I was like, I heard about this. I had a makeup artist give me a migraine pill once. It worked right away. Really? It stopped a migraine in its tracks. Was it oxycodone? I don't remember.

This is the thing. It probably was. It honestly probably was. I didn't remember the name of it. So I just, I threw out a name that I just thought of. I was like, I think it's, I think it was like Topamax. And she goes, I think that is one. Okay.

Yeah. I'll prescribe you that. She just wrote me a prescription for Topamax. Which you made up. Made it up. Pulled it out of thin air. It is a migraine medicine. All right.

It is? It is. But listen, it wasn't the right one that this girl gave me. I later wrote my makeup artist being like, what was the one you gave me? Totally different medicine she gave me. Yeah. being like what was the one you gave me totally different medicine she gave me yeah but the topamax is i later heard a radio lab episode about medicine they give to addicts yeah to help them get off cocaine and like alcohol yeah and it's like a mood stabilizer drug and it's helped me with like my addictions and so now it's like it's like the best thing i ever accidentally got on it's like

changed my life fluke that you pulled out of the air fluke and it's completely changed my life because i have like food issues yeah like crazy which i know you do too where the fuck did we talk about that once we were in um you were so funny i picture we were like we're in michigan in a hotel yeah oh at the grand rapids comedy festival yes like laugh fest at the laugh fest that was the only one they ever invited me to did you go back no no what the fuck are they doing up there no repeat because i thought it was a pretty good time in my recollection and we were all in a hotel room with eugene maybe maybe it was because i couldn't remember where um tommy john again yeah and maybe bargatze like there was a lot we were yeah we were hanging out with some people but we were at the opening night and there was a buffet and i was making a plate and

you just walked up to me i'll never forget it because it was maybe the first time i ever talked to you and you go what are you eating disorder? You looked at my plate and you said that to me. It was a normal looking plate. I'm aware when I'm looking like an eating disorder girl, but you you spotted it because you're an eating disorder girl. Yeah, I know. I know I am. Yeah. And you can and I can sniff it out, too, when someone else is.

But it was not an unusual looking plate. I wasn't like just vegetables, but you could tell. I wonder what it was. I wonder what you were doing too much of. That was clearly an indicator looking plate. I wasn't like just vegetables, but you could tell. I wonder what it was. I wonder what you were doing too much of that was clearly an indicator. I did something. You were probably like, there was a lot of something that had no calories in it. There was probably one. It's like a mound of jello.

There was really a lot of carrots and then like one. It's just a lot of one thing right right right right and a half a piece of cheese yes yes oh my god busted because i couldn't remember like you know it was one of these things where i'm like i know we hung out because i know i feel close to her somehow we had a conversation that was that was long because well then we went to that was the first time i saw nate and i was like well who the fuck is this guy yeah yeah yeah i remember that and i was all spun out by it i'm like i'm gonna watch him again yeah you were like you discovered nate that weekend we were in a comedy competition and it was a bunch of us and

you um and yeah you were really nice i got knocked out of the competition i was like way more upset about it than i thought i would be and you were very nice to me about that because i was like bummed out did i give you like the fucking it doesn't matter yeah yeah you did and you brought me like a gift bag that I left in the the plate like oh my god you you were like I have your gift bag and I went down to the lobby and you were like here it is you were like very nice you you weren't like trying anything sneaky you were just a nice guy yeah it wasn't gunning for you no no and then i ate whatever was in that gift bag like too much of it i went back and just binged on like some caramel but you

deserved it because you know you lost did i no that's when you don't oh really i don't know and then we we weren't at some hotel room party yeah we did i think another night we like stayed up late at some and other people were drinking and me and you were talking because i don't drink and i don't either right so we were just watching other people get fucked up and probably waiting till we could go get fucked up on food right in our room right we talked about it like did you finish your gift bag exactly yeah i'm trying to remember like my memory i don't know if it's age or what or i do too much like things just fade away man oh i'm sure i mean like because all those festivals are kind of the

same right like where do i where did we talk you know who you know what part of my life do i know you from and probably every new batch of comics all seems kind of the same like there's probably a lot of me's that kind of gel together i always knew you i don't think there's a lot of use but like yeah you know because you're unique and and you're funny and you've been working hard for a long time because you went through all of it right open middle headlining and then you're a road comic yes and you do the job of a comedian there's not a lot of people that do that in general no there's plenty of people out there who say they're comedians yes but how many are out there working you know it's weird you know i don't know

yeah but i was excited i was excited to see you because i don't think i'd seen you before that point and like and i was like i literally had this weird fucking man crush on nate i'm like what's going on with that guy everyone was so jealous because that you had that like nate got discovered he was the american idol like by me standout star yeah you were the simon cowell and he was the ruben stuttered all i saw was this weird southern kid that like talks slow so good it's weird how good he is it's it's it's maddening well it's hard for those guys though like you know he went back to nashville right yes and because like you know Todd Berry suffers the same sort of burden

is that like but Todd does fine and so does Nate but like if they don't have energy like club owners are like can't you pep it up it's such a fucking it is an injustice that they have this idea of what entertainment is and it needs to operate at a quicker pace

it drives me nuts anyways topical topical topamax topamax it is there's gonna write that down i'm not i'm not on drugs but sometimes i think i should be a radio lab episode i was literally after i got prescribed this stuff but you didn't make it up you must have heard it somewhere it it was it's a it is a migraine medicine that i heard somewhere while i've been talking about migraines the past year of my life that i've been getting them it's somewhere in the ether but then but then i'm listening this podcast on radio lab about medicine that is prescribed for people with addictions because there's medicine they're saying it's going to be the new wave like how long you been on it i've been on it now for four or five months and it's just changed everything like

like i used to have- Like, I have food addictions where, like, I think about food all the time. I think, like, most people- Let's walk through it. Let's go. Let's start there. Because my food issues- Like, where did you grow up?

St. Louis. And you're, like, how many people in your family? Four. Two parents and four- Two kids. Two kids. Yeah. You have an older sister, younger sister?

Younger. Younger sister. Yeah. And what's your mom do? Homemaker. And your father? Worked in the cable industry. Cable?

Yeah. Like cable television? Sales and marketing, yeah. In sales? Yeah. In St. Louis? Mm-hmm. So he's the guy out there drumming up local advertising?

Yep. Really? Yeah, advertising, yeah. Cold calling, hey, how you doing, Joe? You still got the three burger places? Started in that. Started in that, but like, yeah. So calling. Hey, how you doing, Joe? You still got the three burger places? Started in that. Started in that. No shit.

But like, yeah, yeah. So you're kind of from a show business family. Yeah, and he plays music professionally. He does? Yes. What does he play? He plays guitar and yeah, he's just- Oh, what is he, like my age?

I think maybe, no, he's older. He's older. He just wrote his first song. Yeah, he plays professionally around town and does gigs. In a cover band? Cover band, but he's just starting to write his own songs. He's been inspired by me to now do his own music. In a nice way or I'll show her way?

Kind of an I'll show her. Oh, boy. Because I've been like, come on. Because he's always been like, I think I could do comedy. And now I'm like. Ugh, it's the worst. Yeah, it kind of is. It's like, can't't just let me have my

thing and you know it's not my fault you're not happy with your choices yeah he's doing it now though he wrote a pretty great song but he's in a band called glaze in the moon kings and he he's glazed i'm assuming he's glazed and he just wrote a song about uh climate change it's one of his big missions he cares a lot about it so he's becoming a radical he's a he's a revolutionary songwriter yes a folk singer you know he's got a message he does nice he does is he an old hippie or uh or is he just freaked out about climate change he's really freaked out about climate change not an old hippie but um kind of yes but like not he didn't smoke a lot of pot or anything like that st louis is one of those cities that you know i i've spent almost no time in. It's like it was an industrial place.

Isn't it on the river a bit? It is. But that's, you know, we didn't grow up going to the city much. Right. We grew up in the suburbs. Right. It's very segregated. And they have a lot of racial tension.

Yeah. Some bad shit went down. It's all happening. It's all coming to a head now. Yeah. But you were in the idyllic suburbs. Yeah. And that whatever was

going on in the city did not concern you did not concern we didn't go there much you know so now this eating disorder business sure um you thought you talk about it openly you're out yeah i'm out about it because like what happened to me if we can compare notes is is that my mother is, I think, and she'd be happy to hear it, a functioning anorexic. I know she is. You heard that from me. It makes me so sad. It does?

That she's like, I mean, because I used to be in groups when I was sick. I was sent to these groups with women who also had anorexia, which is the dumbest thing to send anorexics to groups together to compare each other. Right. How much do you weigh?

And I would see... What size are those pants? Yes. How much have you lost? Yeah. And I would see women who are older still struggling with it

and I was like, I would kill myself. I once said that my mother weighed 119 pounds publicly. Oh my God. And she freaked out. How dare you? She's like 116.

Oh my God. my next question is how tall is she that's five seven oh dear god but but the thing is is like she's built a system but it's really it's her whole life it seems miserable i mean i've heard her system yeah it's oh yeah you have you've listened to the horrendous. But the thing was, the point being without. No fun. I don't know. She thinks she looks great.

You know, and if it makes her happy after a certain point, like how much are people going to change? I mean, she was a fat kid. She'll never change. Yeah. So that's what it just cursed her. She was like, you know, a little obese when she was younger. And that was that. Right. And she's been worse.

But the thing was, is that I and I guess, you know, all this already talked about it. Like, you know, I was brought that was that. Right. And she's been worse. But the thing was is that I, and I guess you know all this already. I might have talked about it. Like, you know, I was brought up with that. Right. Like with this sort of like her fear of fat was dumped on me. So I was counting calories at like nine, age nine. And I was so proud, you know, when I would, you know, know how much calories were in something. That's how I learned how to read.

It's so insane to me how do you function now like I'm a little better but like I do but I do get to a point like it was weird I had a similar sort of experience but I didn't follow through with it and I don't think I can handle it because I think my brother who's a little worse than me with food issues and it's it's weird to be a man with food issues because, you know, not many dudes talk about that. Like I was fortunate on my show, Maren, I had a writer who also has it and I could bully him. And, you know, because I'm like, I'm not as bad as that guy sitting there like, you know, eating a big bowl of carrots and salad at catering when there's nice, fun meat, you know. Yes. That's it.

But so like my relationship with it, my brother's done, he went into some intensive shit, like an intensive therapy thing around the food issues. Because I think outside of drugs or anything, I think it's the deepest one. And one time I just went to a therapist out of my health plan down the street here.

And I walk in, I just just like i needed to see somebody i just picked her because she was close she's like well i primarily work with food issues and i'm like what uh yeah i have those and and i chickened out i didn't i couldn't deal because you were like i'm not ready to address this stuff well i don't i don't want to get rid of it well what have you done i've done i, I was hospitalized in high school, like right out of high school, in between college and high school, the summer. And then I was in like different,

just saw a different therapist. And then- Hospitalized for anorexia because you wouldn't eat and you got malnourished or you almost died or what? Well, it was weird because it was, I should have been hospitalized way before then, but it was kind of like a lot of denial on my parents' part and definitely me just lying. Because obviously I just wanted to keep losing weight and stuff, and I didn't really realize what I was doing to myself. But did you deny or did you puke?

No, I was just starving myself. I didn't puke. Oh. That kind of came later. But this was just anorexia. You progressed to that? Yeah, eventually but way way later oh really when you start at first i was just like not eating like i just um this was at the very end of high school like things were changing i was about to go to college i like got nervous because a boy liked me and i

just got nervous for the first time ever like a guy that i liked liked me and i got nervous about it i was like excited and i just didn't eat for like a day because I was nervous, just nerves. And then the next day someone was like, you look great. And I was like, it must have shown like right away. And I was like, wait, what did I just, I just didn't eat yesterday like as much. Like I'll just keep doing that.

And that's what just started it. And I lost so much weight in a month. And it just from there between march and july it was it was it was nuts like i just became let's let's be honest for a minute how great does it feel to be emaciated and starving um i mean i do not want to to say that it it was at first it feels great like it is it's it's like a drug, you're getting high off it. I only say that and I'm like, I don't, you know, I don't wanna be insensitive

and I don't want people listening to freak out. But like, there was a period there in New York where I just started, like I started doing Weight Watchers. You know, I wasn't even that heavy, but it's a control thing, you know, it's like, you know, you can get involved with it. There's math, there's counting, you know, and I just kept going.

And like right now I'm about 182 maybe and i like i'd really like to be 179 but whatever it's so it doesn't matter stupid i know but i can get up to 186 but if i'm at 187 then like i i want to how often do you weigh yourself not that often only when i feel it i feel i'm more a feel guy. Yeah. Like, if I feel good, I feel good. We all know. If I don't, right. Yeah. So, but, like, I got down to, like, 172. Like, and I was all weird looking. Like, and all gaunt and shit. Yeah.

Like, I looked like I was disappearing. Yes. And, like, I was like, this is amazing. And you're all loopy because you're not eating. Yeah. And you start to get, like, you get a buzz from, like, not eating. Yeah. And then, like, and then people are like, what's, what's going on, man?

And I'm like, nothing. I feel good. And I'm twitching my muscles because I want, I want to feel them. Like I was so like, I had no like body fat, but I wasn't working out or anything, but I'm like, I can feel my muscles right under my skin. It's so cool. You feel. Yeah.

Strung out and high. You definitely. Fucked up. You're tweaking. It's fucked up. Yeah. I totally felt that way and then you i started like not being able to stand up and then i would have to like just stand for a couple seconds to catch myself so i wouldn't pass out like it started getting

really scary and you don't look good no i didn't look that was the thing is everyone's like you don't look good and i'm like i'm not trying to look hot. That's not the thing. Like at first that was the thing. I mean, at first that was what I thought was the thing. And then, and then you can't stop. And you're like, well,

this is not the thing because I do not look good. I'm not trying to get. But did you have, did you have like the body dysmorphia though? Cause like, I would look at myself and be like, I'm, I look great.

And like, I still have that. See, that's the fucked up thing that i have to have cognitive therapy around myself because like i eat and i eat well you know but sometimes with sugar and with bread like i'll get strung out on it and i'll just start like i literally i'm not completely compulsive eater but if i start eating sugar like if i eat ice cream or cake or something today i'm gonna want it tomorrow and then eventually i'll just be like fuck it like a couple weeks

ago when i was shooting i just like i could not stop eating fucking nut butter man I was like like sunflower butter and almond butter I'm like this is healthy and at night before I go to bed I'm fucking eating half the thing of fucking almond butter and shit yeah and then like you just you're all bloated and gross and I know why but now I'm sort of like well I did that and I'm you know I know what I did and I don't have to freak out but like let's not do that yes but you'll go there again sometime probably yeah but I'm but I'm not like I'm not like and I started doing Weight Watchers like what I'll do usually is it that's only because it like if I just get like three or four pounds overweight

and I'm uncomfortable then I and I know what to do yeah I'll go running or I'll get three or four pounds overweight and I'm uncomfortable- Then you know what to do. Yeah. I'll go running or I'll get on Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks and I'll feel better and that's that. Yeah. But I don't make a life out of it, though. When I started, I think I'm going to. Do you think, but do you see it? Do you think you look good when you don't? Well, I think I look heavy when I'm not really.

When I look at my peers and stuff and I look at dudes in general, I mean, I'm fucking 52 and I'm not working out. I'm not really. And when I look at my peers and stuff and I look at dudes in general, I mean, I'm fucking 52. And I'm not working out. I'm not Bill Burr. I'm not some lanky dude who's doing sit-ups and pushing myself that way. I'll go running and stuff sometimes. But it's been a long time since I did exercise. So if I get a little doughy, I'm like, ugh, it's fucking disgusting. You just go straight to that.

Well, I just go sort of like this is, you know, I feel uncomfortable and I don't look good. What about when you see yourself on TV? Like when you're, for me, when I'm shooting something and I feel gross, like it's just the worst day of my life. And then you look back on it and you go, well, it wasn't that bad. And you're the only one that notices it. Most people are like, he looks good. And then like when you, if you feel that way and you're on a set and the wardrobe gives you a shirt that's too tight or the pants that you wore. I had a fitting yesterday and I had to call it like all the pants or two days ago. All the pants were too tight and I had to go home from work like because I was so sad.

I was so depressed. I start crying. Because they were your size. They weren't. They were. They bought size smaller because that's all they had. And they were like, we'll just go a size up. We just we need to see how they look.

And I'm like, don't do that. They don't do that oh they don't do that i'm not trying to like yeah so my first season the the woman who was doing wardrobe the first day of wardrobe goes you want you want to wear spanks and i'm like what no what oh oh mark you're gonna okay so i am on set this is the best okay i am on set. This is the best. Okay. I am on set. We're doing a test show. So we're doing a show for my show. Not safe.

Before it aired, we or before we shot the first show, we did a test show with like a real audience. All the executives are there. We're shooting it like it's a real show. Yeah. They're just doing it to make sure we can do a show. Yeah. Treating it like a real show, doing commercial commercial breaks everything right it's the first one i'm on set and i'm holding up all the shirts before the show before rehearsal we're holding up all the shirts to make sure that they

don't moray or whatever yeah i'm holding up there's all the shirts and i've already shot the pilot and we have all our crew there and stuff and and the lighting director is in the audience and he's sitting there on the chairs like kind of uh looking at the audience and i'm holding up shirts wardrobe girl is holding uh handing them to me and i go is this good is this good and the guy goes um you sure like to wear a lot of sleeveless shirts and i was like yeah i do and uh and he and i go is that a problem you know like kind of jokingly. Is there an audience there? No, but it's like all my staff, all my crew. Right, right, right.

And I'm mic'd, so everyone in the booth's hearing this. And I go, is that a problem? Are my arms problematic? Jerry or whatever his name was. And just joking because clearly that's not why he would say that. Right. And he was silent. And then he was like, that's good. That's fine.

And then hung up all the shirts. I'm back over at the rack just kind of looking off stage. And he comes up to me and he goes, yeah, about that. I noticed in the pilot that you wear a lot of sleeveless shirts. And I just noticed that when you move your arms, there's a lot of your arm flaps a lot. Like your arm like you know flaps a lot like your arm not that and um you know it's gonna do that unless you're like super ripped so it's like i just want to make you aware are you aware of that and i go yeah i yeah sure and he goes do you mind and he and i go

i don't i don't care and he goes well it's just my job and i go is it he's the lighting guy i go is it and he was like they just wanted me to say that. And I go, did they? And he scampers off. And my boyfriend works on the show. And I was on my mic. I go, Chris, I need to see you right now. And I went in the back.

And I told him. And he was like, I am so furious. And he ran off. And then the guy was told, don't even look at her again. Don't talk to her. Your future with the show is going to be determined later. And he was, he was let go. Not by me, but like they just determined like he can't be around.

What the fuck was he thinking? What a bad decision to like, and they had just talked to the whole staff about like, this is a environment to make everyone feel comfortable, making Nikki feel comfortable. Like you mean flabby arm Nikki? Oh, flabby arm Nikki. And I was wearing, I was about to do my test show and i was wearing a short sleeve shirt when he told me that and i was just like shattered shattered and i was wearing one last night and i was just like kind of looking i'm like yeah he's

right but like who gives a fuck and i was just like i the it wasn't about the like i don't really care if he saw that because i i honestly don care. I'm secure enough with my body. Like, I don't care if my arm flaps, whatever. It's just that he thought he had to point out something like, hey, I know you're a girl who might, like, I know you probably take stock in your body every single day and hate everything about yourself. But I noticed something that you may not have hated enough about yourself. Like, he's the policeman of like. Well, it was just, it was rude and undermining. I mean, just like if he really said like,

well, you know, if you're really ripped, like if he really framed it that way, it served no purpose other than to fucking fuck you up. That's what he said. He said, unless you're really ripped, it's going to do that. And I was like, yeah, I know. And I'm not.

So it's like it was and my wardrobe girl heard it and was just like i can't believe he fucking said oh my god it was like the talk of the town it was it was a good moment for me because it was just it um yeah because it didn't make me mad it didn't make me feel like i'm fat it was just like why does that guy think he needs to let me know like I haven't known that about myself already yeah I I take that risk wearing a well there's there's so much like what when you have these sort of body issues there's so much you know there's such a vigilance around self-acceptance that yes that they're like when somebody just does that unsolicited like you don't see it coming you't really expect, you don't expect anyone to do that to you because you're too

busy. You're too busy doing it to yourself anyways. So when any of that shit gets validated, it's like, what? It was insane. Like only I can say that to me. Yes. That's what it was weird about. It was like, I couldn't even believe it was happening.

I was like almost excited that it was happening in front of me because I was like, oh my gosh, this happens? Yeah. Like someone would say this to you because it's never been, it's never been validated to me. No one's ever actually said it to me.

Like, yes, I do deserve to like think I'm fat sometimes. Yeah. Other people see it. Like, yes. It felt good. I'm right.

I'm right. I'm right. Someone sees it, not just YouTube comments. Yeah, I'm going to go throw up now because I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. Someone sees it, not just YouTube comments. Yeah, I'm going to go throw up now because I'm right. Yeah. So, yeah, it's nice to have. Thank God I've been through all that.

It would be hard to be anorexic now. Holy shit. Some days I wish I was, but, you know. But you just have to frame it like you know am i eating well you know like what do you expect out of yourself like for me like that first season for me was like she kept giving me shirts that were like a little too small like i'm like sort of in between a medium and a large she kept getting these mediums that were you know like i i couldn't have movement in them and it drove me fucking nuts because i felt like i was like i i'm

gonna blame my mediocre acting first season on the fact that I had these shirts. It's hard to think of anything else when you're in a tight outfit. Well, I wear like, you know, I wear five things, you know, that I've picked out. I don't have a big wardrobe. So when you do a show, you're like, oh, look at all these clothes that I would never buy in my life. And it's nice to have them. But some of them were just not. And they just send you out.

They're like, what's the problem? I'm like, what do you mean, what's the problem? Like, do I have four chins? Because this shirt makes me feel like I have four chins. And it's not even near my chin. It's so fucked up. That's my problem with women's wear, is that our jeans are all so tight. And men are now wearing tighter jeans, so you're getting a sense of it.

I tried that once. But when you are a little bit heavier than you usually are, you feel it everywhere. Everywhere. And that's why it's so nice to, when men, like you have bag, to wear boy jeans or like boyfriend jeans or whatever it is. For a woman, it's so great because you don't feel fat every fucking day. It's great. You're a little bit bloated or whatever.

Yeah, these are fat pants and I'm afraid to put on the other pants. I just, yeah. I'm such a woman. I love that you are. It really makes us feel less alone. I really relate to you on so many levels. But, yeah, so. The thing with the, like, when I get, like, one time, the girl gene thing,

one time I was working with Janine Garofalo, and it must have, I can't remember when it was, but like around the time when I got, when my wife left me, like, you know, I just sort of like got pretty, like all the stress burning off those calories and not even, but I remember I was touring with Janine, I think it was around that time,

and I was really thin. Yeah. And like she talked me into going to Levi's store with her we I don't remember what city we're in I feel like it was maybe Chicago I think it was Chicago and she's like it was before they really started making men's skinny jeans but they had those skinny jeans for women like the stretchy or kind and she goes all the little rock guys wear these you should get a pair and she bought me a pair of those jeans and i wore them that night and i was like this is amazing look at me and then i looked at a picture of myself here's why this is the one thing that stops me from from like really focusing on getting

like anorexic again is that i have a big head and and and if if i if i get down to like 175 it's just like i look like a bobblehead figure. Yes. And it's like, what is that? And I had long hair then. And I'm like, what am I? I saw a picture of it. I'm like, oh, my God, I can't do that. And now when you get older, if you get gaunt, your face droops. So you just look old.

Yes. So now it's like I need to hold on to some weight just so my face looks full. What am I talking about? I know what you're talking about. You need fat on your face to stay young.'s that that's the double-edged sword right so that you need fat for a good looking face i know otherwise it starts to just kind of slide off slide off and then it loses its definition yeah yeah a tooth in a face not good yeah so like and bulimia doesn't work what bulimia no i never i never did that i never did that like yeah i don't like i just get into the control thing like if i the thing that i do get

is if i get into a starvation system and it takes where i'm feeling that weakness and i can really see it working like i really sort of get off on that being just spaced out like that all the pictures of me when i was at my skinniest, my mouth is just hanging open because I'm like, I'm barely, I'm barely awake. Like every one of them just like, I have all, I have all my, like my parents destroyed most of my anorexic pictures, but sometimes they'll like, sometimes they'll be like, Hey, send me some like old photos for my TBT, like for Instagram. I'll be like, just go through some albums and they'll send me my anorexic pictures not even knowing that they're the most fucking disturbing

things ever oh my god they're just they were so in denial i think that they don't even realize that i was dying in front of them so they'll send me these pictures of me like at the computer just like probably just looking at food like i would just look at do you when you're starving don't you just like want to watch the food network or what i used to watch it all the time yeah you just want to see people making and eating food but i like i'll but i'll do that i mean i'll go through periods where i make really good food i'll eat meat and i'll do like you know i'll just fucking eat ice cream and shit and i'll think like maybe i'm through it and then you just hit that point where your pants are and i'm like what the fuck yeah what the fuck did i do and i'm pinching my my brother used to pinch himself like pinch

like his fat that to the point where he had bruises oh no that's where we come from that's he seems to be doing all right with it but he gets pretty lanky too sometimes we're also proud like where i'd go to my brother's house and i just see him like fucking shoveling mouthfuls of like you know that like air stuff like pirate booty or one of those fucking puff things that yes just like and like non-stop i'm like what are you doing man he's like i don't i don't i could just keep doing this and i'm like okay it looks great god my whole family's like this fucking nuts it's so funny all of my best friends like my best girlfriends and guy friends all have like eating disorder past even if I don't know that they do, I like seek them out.

It's so weird how I can like just sense that a person does. And we all eat the same weird food. Yeah. We all like, I'll open their pantry. I'm just like, Oh, it's like rice cakes and like the same weird,

like, you know, like pudding pops and weird, like 60 calorie puddings. Right. Cause you just want to eat as many things as you can. Yeah. You just want to eat a lot.

You want to eat a lot. Yeah, keep it going. Because people are always shocked at how much I eat because I eat huge volumes of things. Yeah. But it's all very low caloric because I love to eat. I just would like to eat a lot but low calorie. Yeah, and it's so exciting when you find something like that.

Oh, that it's like volume. Yeah, where you're like, I can just keep doing this. Yes. I am a big fro-yo addict. Like, this is literally what Topamax has. Were you a Tasty Delight person back when that was around?

Oh, it's still around. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? It was one of the saddest things I had to leave behind in New York besides my therapist and my best friend. Are we going to Tasty? Can we go to Tasty?

Yeah. Tasty D. We went there every single night. They would sometimes open the doors if we got there a little late to let us in. They'd be like, we know you. What size? Large. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's a fill. We would go to the fill your own one. They wouldn't even where you just make your own. It's so good. It's air. It's just sugar air. It looks good, though. It feels good.

It's so good. It feels right. All the fake flavors. Oh, man. And they got this stuff here in LA that I'm really into called Carbolite. Have you tried it? No. I'm sort of out of that.

Get it. Don't even do it. I've really gotten away from the diet foods. That's a great thing. It's terrible. But you're okay, right? Yeah, I'm good. I mean, I feel pretty good.

I feel like I still have all that stuff. I've owned it now. You know, I used to be very ashamed of I have to get fro-yo every day. It's a big mound of it. And people are always like, oh, my God. And just now I'm like, you know what? This is what I do like, you know what? This is what I do. And you know what?

I order pizza without with light cheese. And I know it's weird that I blot it. You know, I just own my weird things now. I eat huge salads. And I do like. I'm pretty scared of cheese. I don't. You know.

Yes. I'm scared of certain foods. And I never want to be scared of bread. I'm sorry. I just won't. Pasta. I will always be scared of pasta. Can't do it. be scared of bread. I'm sorry. I just won't. Pasta. I will always be scared of pasta. Can't do it.

I never do it. I just can't do it. If I do it, I'm like, oh, God. I will just be thinking about it the rest of my week. I like it, but that's some of the stuff that is left over from my mother's training, which I don't think is that horrible. When I look at cheese or butter, all I see is like a brick of fat. That's like literally it's like there's nothing good about that.

And then people are like, but cheese is so yummy. I'm like, it is, but I can't. How is that good for you? Look at it. Look at it. It's not worth it to me. Yeah. And then like pasta, it's like, you know, once or twice a year I'll eat pasta.

And, you know, and it's amazing, but it's's like how do people eat this more than once a year? I do not understand. And bread, I'll never eat a fucking sandwich. I'll have like an Ezekiel tortilla or maybe pita bread. Yes, I love other things so much more. Why would I? But like if you're in a restaurant, though, here's my problem. If I'm in a restaurant and I decide I'm going to go ahead and have some bread.

Like if it's upscale, like it's focaccia or there's three types of bass breads in the basket with olive oil. Totally. Okay. I'll just like, I'll have one piece and I'm like, I guess I'm doing this. Then you're all in. Yes. You can't just like one. Right.

No fucking way. No, it's all or nothing. Ugh. So what? Oh my God. No fucking way. No, it's all or nothing. Ugh.

So what? Oh, my God. People have either like, they're either all in on this or they're all out. What's with these? They've either breadbasketed this or. Let's talk about it. But now I'm curious though how, because with me, it just really became about forcing self-acceptance, which I think is what you're saying you do like it's like everyone's got their flaws we've got our habits but you know if if you're healthy and

you're aware you know you can make better decisions for yourself so you don't get lost in that spiral of that shit yeah i mean i just thought i'd never find like i always thought i'd be alone with this forever i thought like i will never be able to have a boyfriend because I will never let anyone see the way I eat or the way I live or the fact that I eat in the middle of the night sometimes. Cause that's all I want to do. Or the fact that sometimes I go a week eating the same meal every night, you know,

like sometimes that's just the way I live. But now I'm just like, so what? It's as weird as anything else. Anyone does. You know? And so now I'm just like so what it's as weird as anything else anyone does you know yeah and so now I'm just like kind of and I just think that's just getting older and just being like it is like who gives a fuck but you just don't want to be uncomfortable so as long as you don't you know like is there is a comfort zone that doesn't have to be too skinny or too

like I think what it really comes down to as you get older with this stuff is that like there's nothing wrong with me not wanting to be over 185 and I'm just not going to let it happen. Right. And that's that. I'm not weighing myself every day but if I feel uncomfortable I'm going to take action. Yes. I'm not going to go all the way down. There's part of me that would fantasize about it like it'd be pretty sweet to drop 10 even though I don't need to but that voice is louder now. I don't need, I won't look good. Well, for me now, I know that it's not about being fat or skinny. Like, I know that when I feel fat, my therapist has drilled this into me so hard that when I feel fat, when I, like, look down at myself and I'm like, you're fat, it's because I'm depressed.

It has nothing to do with me being fat. I'm depressed. Because whether or not I'm fat, it's irrelevant. It's that I don't like myself today. I'm depressed. But can you track that to something other than the fat? Okay, so the fat. So I call her and I say, I'm fat today.

And she goes, what's going on? And then we talk about what else is going on. Is it a fight with my boyfriend I had? Is it something at work? Am I feeling unfulfilled with my friendships? Something else is going on because it a fight with my boyfriend i had it is it something at work am i feeling unfulfilled right with my friendships something else is going on because it's not fat it's not that says nothing to do with but that is sort of tracks back to that idea that you know it is one of the things like if you start spiraling about that and then you take action then it's one of these weird obsessive patterns that you can control it's a control thing but it's not controlling

anything because it's not getting at the root of what's going on because no no i get that but it's like it's almost like a spiritual system like it'll take you out of the feelings or grief or sadness of what's really happening for me to focus on just right and it's and it's but then it just keeps going back because i'm not even addressing what's really going on it's so it's so fucked up because it's so hard for me sometimes to realize what it even is because I'm so good at avoiding what it is. I've been doing it my whole fucking life. We're comedians. Yeah.

It's so stupid. We're good at avoiding it. But were you able to track why it happened initially? Yeah, yeah, I was. It was really hard for me to do because I just thought it was like, But were you able to track why it happened initially? Yeah. Yeah, I was. It was really hard for me to do because I just thought it was like, oh, I just want to look like Jennifer Aniston. I just thought that was it. I just want to be skinny.

And so I fought that for a really long time. But then it was like I went to one therapist who brought my mom in and then she kind of was like well what goes on in your house and she kind of got my mom to admit that she drinks sometimes and that it kind of gets out of control and then she was like well why don't you uh you should would you ever consider not drinking and my mom's like no i would not and she was like well how did how would you ever expect nikki to stop eating or to start eating and she was like that has nothing to do with anything. And she goes, it has everything to do with everything. And she goes, this is bullshit.

And she like literally pulled me out of the therapist's office. So I go, there's something there. Maybe those are connected. So I think that it was a lot of me, um, feeling, uh,

just not, uh, not very like loved or feeling very distant from my mom and not very like heard and loved right so it becomes this like twisted way of self-parenting exactly yeah right and just being like getting it trying to get attention and being like help yeah i went my freshman year of college i went to college and i got down to like 169. And I came home and I was like, hi, mom. Look at me. Am I lovable yet?

Exactly. I have to sit down. I can't stand up. No, she said to me, and I've talked about this before, like within the last decade, she said, I don't think I could love you if you were fat. As a grown man. And I'm like, all right, well, that explains everything. Okay.

I love it. As a grown man. And I'm like, all right, well, that explains everything. Okay. Oh, my God. It's horrible to have these parents that are so self-involved that they're incapacitated from being selfless enough to parent properly. Yes. Yes.

And they don't even. They don't get it. They'll never get it. And that's the thing that was so hard for me to realize is like, I want to confront them and say, you're so selfish. You didn't do anything to help me when I was dying. And you didn't even notice. You just thought I was on a diet that was like pretty kick ass. They literally said, you know, your friends who are calling us and are worried about you and your counselors, they're just jealous.

Oh yeah. They're jealous, Nikki. Then you start to wonder like, do you want me to live? Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's fucking painful. And so it's just, you know to wonder, like, do you want me to live? Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

It's fucking painful. And so it's just, you know, it, um, yeah. And just to experience the fucking, like,

you know, to go to that place, which is, you know, which is the truth of it. It's like, how, when will I start?

When will I, how do you exercise those emotions? How do you feel the pain of that? Like, you know, I know that I you know i know that i i i haven't done it really how how can well some people go like my terms with that my brother like goes like he went to an intensive thing and like people go they're like i'm gonna do it and you know you take a week and you don't know how what's gonna happen on the other side of that

you know yeah you know who knows what you know it but you know it's it's supposed to be a proactive thing like i finally i can get rid of that but i'm like the whole fucking house could fall down i think i did at one point i because i remember my therapist very honestly being like you know she doesn't like pretty much be like she doesn't love you like like saying that and i was like there's no way that's true she's she doesn't love you like like saying that and i was like there's no way that's true she's my fucking mom you know like stuff like that and being like and fighting it and then kind of accepting it like she she thinks she does but like that's not what it is and being like right she'll never understand that and i never can make her understand what i

know to be true and so i kind of went through a mourning of the loss of my, what I envisioned, what I want my mom to be. Right. And now I've accepted her as a mom. Like I have no expectations for her anymore. Right. So she can't hurt me.

Right. And now we have a great relationship. Right. And I have seen the other side of it. And so now I feel, although I did have to call my therapist on the way here and be like, can I talk about my mom's drinking? She,

do you think that'd be okay? What if she hears it? She goes, do you feel like you're responsible for your mom's drinking somehow? And I go, no, not at all. She goes, why are you asking me for permission to be able to talk about it then? I'm like, you're right. I still do feel like I caused it somehow. Or that you have to protect her.

Yeah, that I have to protect her. Yeah, that I have to protect her. Yeah, I get that. And I think that's right. I mean, I think that, because I have that same sort of understanding with my parents, is that like, well, they're not really parents. There's these people I grew up with.

Yes. And I appreciate them. But whatever it is that they thought they were doing didn't provide me with much self-esteem or sense of self or anything. So, you know, I had to cobble that together on my own and I'm older and I, you know, and thank God I achieved a few things to validate something. And, you know, because of that, the rest of it sort of followed.

So I understand that dynamic. And I don't think that I have to cry for three days in a sweat lodge to really process that. But you might lose some weight oh good point i should sign up for that thing but uh but but i but there is a there's a sadness you have to live with still a little bit you know it's not incapacitating it's not like you know you can't function because of it but you there are those moments you're like oh yeah they weren't really that great i mean i like them you know i talked to him once a week you know i, oh, yeah, they weren't really that great. I mean, I like them. I talk to them once a week.

I talked to my father this morning. It wasn't great. I mean, it wasn't bad because we had problems. But I got off and I'm like, okay, well, that's who that guy is. And then when you talk to your mom, you're like, all right, that wasn't satisfying. But that's who that person is. And then you just kind of get in your car and go like, I'm fucking fat. Then you call your therapist and go, I'm fucking fat.

And they're like, what's going on? I just got off the phone with my mother. Exactly. That's it? Yeah. I don't do that enough. I don't do that enough because I can, because I get like, I can get like, what's replaced my sort of weird, the body shame stuff, which I don't do as much as I used to is like, what's the point? That's my new thing.

Everything's pointless. Yeah. And then I'm like, what's really going on? Because like, I go right to the existential thing now. It's not like I'm fat because that's like, somehow or i can't sell that to myself anymore which is good but so now if like i'm upset about something instead of really acknowledging initially i'm like this fucking why do i even do anything anything i'm there too i've i'm finding death to be very comforting like the thought that none of it matters as long as it happens quickly and you, you know, I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you there with that? Like, are you talking about like none of it matters being like we're all going to die kind of thing? No, no. My father does a little bit. Some people are negative minded, but I think innately I'm not really negative and I'm not even that cynical. Right. And I do.

I believe that, you know, people are good and that things can be OK, you know, usually. Yeah. that you know people are good and that things can be okay you know usually yeah uh but like what what i really get is like more now that like i've achieved a little bit of success in my life is um well what do i really want to do like yeah is this did this make was this the goal well well you know when you do what we do the goal when you do what we do you don't even think about that necessarily but you do know the difference between a life of, of, of trying to get something and then having it, you know, like you can always have more of it or like, but you know, I've sort of accepted that, you know, my place in show business, I've carved out this little place for me and I'm not going to

be Louie. I'm not going to be, you know, like, you know, selling out arenas. I'm not even sure I could handle that. So I'm, I'm getting what I could handle. So I've achieved success and I'm proud of it. But now it's sort of like there's a part of me that's sort of like, well, we've been trying to get here for 45 years. So now you've got this. Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you'd like to, you know, what do you want to do? How do you enjoy life now?

Like everything has been about the compulsive struggle to, you know, to write the jokes, to, you know, to get some, to make a jokes to you know to get some to make a living to to sort of get some recognition for what you do and now i'm here then there's a real big part of me that's sort of like okay i did it so now what there's part of me that does that yeah but thank god i like talking to people like some people experience joy Yeah. What do you know about that? I feel like I'm going to, I have a plan. For joy? You have a joy plan? Yeah. I'm going to surround myself, I'm going to do a bird rescue.

I like birds a lot. Yeah. I want to do like a. Yeah? Yeah, I'm going to surround myself with birds. Really? Birds? Yeah.

Isn't that interesting? That's the only thing that's like, I'm excited about getting old is being like an old woman who has like a lot of birds that she talks to. When did that start? When I got a bird when I was like really young, fifth grade, and I loved it. And then I got a parrot after that. And then ever since then, I just go to bird shop sometimes and just hang out with birds because they're just like hanging out all over the shop. They're so fun.

I can appreciate a good parrot. They're so cool. But like I thought cats were sort of detached and unemotional. A bird, it's sort of like, do you like me?

I don't know. They're mean. You're pretty though. And they're so smart and they shouldn't be, you should only rescue birds. Birds are like not supposed to be pets

but like there's so many now and they live to be like 90. And they're like the closest thing to dinosaurs. They're like, you know, I don't pay a lot of attention to them until I'm sort of like, holy shit, look at that bird.

They're so fucking smart. Or when you see the flocks of parrots around here sometimes. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen them yet. Everyone gets very excited. We saw them twice on the shoot where like you hear them and then you look up, you're like, there they are, the Pasadena parrots. But there's several different neighborhoods that claim the parrots. And there's several different mythologies about how they got here.

When did you start doing comedy? When I i was 19 18 19 in college yeah where'd you go to college first uh first year i went to university of colorado boulder and then i transferred to ku for the rest of it yeah yeah how was that kansas it was all right it was good it was good because i got in the comedy scene in Kansas City. It was good for me. Why comedy for you? I mean, what was it that compelled you? Because I was anorexic and I looked like a skeleton. And the only way I could make friends was to be really over the top funny. And you were in high school too?

No, in high school I was just normal and kind of quiet. I had really funny friends, but I wasn't the funniest one. But in college I went off by quiet. I had really funny friends, but I wasn't like the funniest one. Right. But in college, I went off by myself and I looked really scary. Uh-huh. And literally, I think it, I honestly think the only reason that I was able to have any kind of friends is because like I was just really funny. Because my friends told me later, they were like, looking back at pictures, like you were

terrifying. Like you looked like you were about to die. But you got up on stage. But you were so funny, we didn't you were, you got up on stage, but, but you were so funny. We didn't see it. We didn't see it because people would come up to them all the time and be like,

we're scared about Nikki. And they'd be like, what are you talking about? But, and so then that's when people started telling me like, you should do comedy. And then there was like some kind of show on campus that I signed up for. And then I did it.

And I was like, Oh my God. And then that honestly, it's so, it feels like the cheesiest thing. But like, that was when I was like, Oh, oh i might i'll probably live now like i might just try to start living because i was just gonna starve myself until my heart gave out because i was like i don't want to live because like i never can eat again because i can't i just can't do it yeah like it seems like

food was just like poison like i literally couldn't put it in my mouth and so i was just like i'm just gonna die and wait for that to happen. But then when I was like, oh, comedy is so cool. And I became like addicted to that more than I was starving. So that gave me a reason to like, oh, maybe I'll start like trying to like. The immediate validation thing? Yeah. Just like being obsessed with something new and obsessed with watching Sarah Silverman

and wanting to be her or whatever it was that I wanted to do. Like that gave me a new reason to like live essentially, because I thought I wanted to be an actress, but I was like shitty at it. So then I was like, well, I just will kill myself then. Cause I can't do that. Was Sarah the inspiration? Yeah. Like Sarah and Wendy Liebman.

Cause I didn't know when people started telling me you should be a comic. I didn't know that like women did it really. Like I didn't, I wasn't like into. Wendy's like a real sort of trooper. I i mean she's been doing it for a long time we started together she was the one i saw early on like i remembered seeing like my dad showing her me like when i was little and then when i just looked up like female comics i saw her and sarah silverman and i was just obsessed and then i was like okay i can do this that's because that's what i want to do they

like do it the best of it i've seen it right so then i was like i'll just try to do that and then i did that for several years just that because i had never even had sex or anything but i just started doing like jokes about having sex oh really yeah and like having abortions just lying just being trying like literally talking like sarah silverman like oh really like talk like this and like be like well i don't even know like i would like do her wow like that's normal yeah you i i literally i remember harlan williams someone told me that harlan williams saw me when i was doing a guest set on one of his shows in gator city and he said oh she's a low rent sarah silverman and i was so hurt but i was like that's right but that's what you do everyone sounds like someone in the city and he said oh she's a low rent sarah silverman and i was so hurt but i was like that's right but that's what you do everyone sounds like someone in the beginning yeah you don't know how

to do it i love doing it when i had an mc a couple weekends ago and i was watching him and i go i bet i'm gonna ask him his favorite comic when he gets off stage and he's gonna say rory scoville like you just you see that and see and you go i know who his favorite comic is you can see it right away when i was coming up there was just literally in New York, there was like 20 Attels. Yes, yes. You know, four Todd Berries, a few Hedbergs. Yeah. Yeah.

You see it all the time. Yeah. And so, yeah, it was just another Sarah Silverman. And when did you feel yourself evolving out of that? So you did, how long have you been doing it now? 2005, I guess. No, 2004. Right 2004 2003 was like the first time but really 11 12 years yeah 11 12 years yeah so like you went through the evolutions like when

did you start to realize that you were talking you just so did like were you able to talk about having sex for the first time on stage um not i feel like i didn't get comfortable really until like 2008 maybe i kind of to really talk about your life in a way yeah because it was just i got on tv too early and how early like two years in and was before you were formed yeah what was just like a one-liner comic last coming standing oh that's right you did that yeah and yeah it was good and i was i was good for how long i've been doing it yeah and you know it was fine um but it uh yeah gave me a false sense of like you know that i can do it or like i knew where i was a real sense you could do it but yes but i moved to la too soon but it was fine i moved to la right out of college and

then i kind of struggled here for a little bit i got on the tonight show and then i literally moved to st louis like the next day back home yeah so you you you got the tonight show how many years in uh three years in oh my god and then what happened did you? Did you just, was that the next bout of anorexia? No, that came like a year before. Like I got into Montreal and then I got like, I ran into New Faces. It was in 2007.

And I like, I like starved myself before that because I was just like nervous and was like, this is my chance or whatever. And so I fainted on stage that summer, just a one nighter thing. And I drove down there

after temping all day and didn't eat. And, and I like probably smoked pot and went running right before it. Sure. Get it all done. All of it. And then I got down there. You went down.

And I was on stage and in the middle of a joke and I'd never fainted before, like been close, but never. And it was started. Did you feel it happening? And I was like, guys, I think I'm going to faint.

And. Were you MC? No, I was first comic vision. And I was like, guys, I think I'm going to faint. Were you MC? No, I was first comic up. And you get one meal there. And I was broke. So I was so excited to eat that one big fucking salad I ordered. Yeah. And I was waiting for it. And they were like, can you go up?

And I was like, I want to eat first. And they were like, can you just go up? Your food will be up after you go up. And I was like, OK. And so I go up. And I'm like, okay. And so I go up and I'm like, I think I'm going to faint. And I said to this woman,

I go, is that weird? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, is it? And then I just down and I woke up

and I thought it was a bad dream that I fainted on stage and I woke up being like, oh, thank God that didn't happen. And I'm holding the mic still up to my face and everyone's around me

and I'm just like, oh my God. And I woke up and i ran into the women's bathroom there's a huge crowd too it was a big restaurant right everyone's dead silent i run to the restroom and i was sitting in the women's stall just like oh my god like my life is over like my career is over i was just thinking like everything's over for me this is gonna get on online and everyone's gonna know that i'm anorexic and all these things and then i just got filled

with that anger where you're so embarrassed you're angry and i ran out of the bathroom because there no no one came in to help me because it was all men helping me and i ran the women's room so i'm in there alone and i'm just angry and i ran out and i intend to the whole restaurant that was just quiet because they were so stunned i was just like is anyone gonna fucking help me and then i ran into the kitchen that'll make it better oh yeah and just was like give me food and i'm just like grabbing food and just shoving it in my face and crying and oh my god it was so and it was the worst moment of my life and and yeah and then i eventually came out of the kitchen everyone applauded and i'm so embarrassed like just the most. Everyone applauded, and I was so embarrassed. Like, just the most, because you're caught.

I was caught for being anorexic. Like, everyone knew. I was very thin. Like, busted. I was so humiliating. So I fainted on stage. They were applauding that you went and ate? Yeah, they probably were.

Like, that was the main thing. I was just like, ugh, you dummy. You don't have control of your fucking disease, was what it was. Yeah. And that was when i was like i probably should start eating again and that was right before montreal yeah and did you eat up there not really no i didn't and i was like you went up there too early i made no sort of impact whatsoever i remember like i came back from it and agent was at the improv who had seen me up there and And it was in front of a bunch of people. And he goes, Nikki Glaser, you guys should have seen her in Montreal.

She was so drunk. And I thought he was going to be like, she was so amazing. And I was like beaming. He's so drunk. And I was like, oh, God. I was a mess. And then I moved back home to St. Louis. After the Tonight Show.

Yeah. But you got the Tonight Show. How did you do on the Tonight Show? I did great. Oh, good. I killed back home to St. Louis. After the Tonight Show. Yeah. But you got the Tonight Show. How'd you do on the Tonight Show? I did great. Oh, good. I killed. I did great. They called me day of because Paula Abdul dropped out.

And I was on the board for like a while. I had been like slated to be on for a year. Yeah, with Jay. And then they called me the day of. I was like hungover. And I just showed up like three hours later and just did it. Killed it? Yeah.

Thank God it was like day of. And then you're like, I'm going to go home now. And then the next day, I thought everything was going to change. Nothing obviously changed. The day after? The day after, it was maybe the week later. Why isn't anyone talking to me? Where's the celebration? Yeah, I wasn't so naive to be like everyone's gonna come calling but like nothing

changes you know like nothing oh so it was like that was sort of like the first blow of show business i went to subway the next day i remember ordering a sandwich and the girl looked up and goes were you on the tonight show last night and i was like yes and she was like i recognize your voice it's like all horse and shit. I was like, oh my God. Oh, thank you. Because I smoked and drank too much at the time. So that was the only time I ever got recognized. And then I moved back home for a year and a half.

And then I moved to New York. When you went back home, did you fucking get shit under control or what? Were you drinking too much? Is that another problem? Yeah. Yeah. And then I moved back home and I was drinking too I was drinking too much there and I had a blast, but like I moved back home.

It was just kind of a mess. So you're not eating, you're just boozing and you're fucking. Yeah, I got fat. You're smoking. I got fat at home. And then, and then I moved to New York in 2010 because I was just like, I can't keep staying here. I was, I would like, I became a headliner when I moved back to St. Louis.

Like I was working hard, but I was just a mess regionally like going to yeah yeah driving everywhere so i saved up money ohio and minneapolis indiana bananas bloomington at all the good places and then i moved to uh new york um because amy schumer was like move here i'll get you hooked up she was like where'd you hook up with her? We met on MySpace in 2007. I just saw her on there and was like, I love what you're doing. Let's be friends. She was like, I love what you're doing. And then we became friends.

And we met in Montreal. We were both new faces in 2007. And we fell in love. Yeah. And so she was like, move to New York. I'll introduce you to who you need to be introduced to. And she just took me under her wing. And she's awesome.

Yeah. So I moved to New York uh for her and then um and then I I got sober like uh a year and a half later like sober sober like recovery sober no just like I read uh Alan Carbuck the easy way to cigarettes well I read that one in 2008, and then I read the other one in 2011. There's a booze one? Yeah, The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. And that did it? Yeah, it's amazing. Holy shit.

You know, Ryan Singer talks about that Alan Carr book. He's given it to me three or four times because eventually he smokes again. Oh, my God. It's so... Three or four copies of those. It's so good. It's three or four copies of those. It's so good. It's either that or Topamax. Yeah,

dude. I'm serious. Life is good. I like don't need Froyo all the time. I just get it like when I want. Wow. Is that the only thing you're on? Mm-mm. Zoloft, Welbutrin, Topamax, bam.

Mm-hmm. That's the cocktail. And then melatonin. To sleep. To sleep. Oh, you're all set. All set. Good for you. You figured it all out. You're happy. All set.

Although I always forget to renew my prescription, and so. Do you feel a difference? Of which one? All of them. I always forget. Like this weekend, I have to go without any of them. And so I'm going to be off in like two weeks. I'm going to have a real. Should have interviewed you on Monday. No, you shouldn't. I was so depressed this week.

I was off. You were off this week? Oh, big time. I had a big depressed week. Bad. A lot of 10-minute calls to this. Yes. Yes.

It was terrible. I usually don don't have i don't get depressed anymore like those low low ones where i want to like lie in bed and just think about dying yeah i'd never have them anymore i used to get them all the time but i had them this week twice and they usually last like days but these only lasted five hours and but i just couldn't i had to leave work which i never have to do but i had to like go home it was bad but um so why are you so chipper today um i don't know i think that because i um i got back on yet oh you got i got back on the medicine but i think it's also because um i don't know i just i think i'm fighting it because i got overcompensating there was two days of it and i

just was like i can't have that happen again. It's so miserable. Not during shooting anyways. And especially not during this podcast. I was like, Oh, this one. Someone reminded me on Tuesday when I was depressed,

like you have to do WTF on Friday. I was like, not this week. Like I can't be in this mind state of mind going into that. I hope I gave you some incentive to chip her up. You did. Even though we came in here and just talked about my food issues. My food issues.

And yours. Yeah, wouldn't it have been right for you just to talk about it? No, it's really good that you are able to talk about that too. Because it's nice that you, because you're right, not a lot of men talk about it. But all men have it too, especially in LA. I know. men talk about it but all men have it too especially in la it's so funny how every guy in la has a scale in their bathroom in no other city will you find that how did you figure that out just dating men in la when i used to live here how long you've been with your boyfriend uh three

years oh that's good yeah and he's working on the show uh-huh so you had a show on mtv for a while right yeah two seasons nicki and sarah live with sarah shaffer yeah yeah i like her yeah and that went good for you i mean it was good they just didn't like yeah it just ended and this and what's the birth of this new one this one came out of me um my boyfriend and i met on nikki and sarah live he was a producer and then we were um still dating and then he was like what's your next show coming central was interested in working with me and we came up with this idea because uh he was like well you're like the biggest perv i've ever met so we should probably do something with that and i I was like, you're right. Like I, I like talking about sex and that's. What kind of perv are you?

Like, I just like, I'm into like dirty, weird stuff. Like I like talking about dirty stuff. I just like hearing about people's sex lives. I'm not grossed out by anything. Yeah. And I'm just interested. So like, uh, it's all under the guise of me being like a curious perv. Right. But are you more the curator or do you get

yourself into weirdness i get myself into a lot of weirdness we uh i've been to like a foot fetish party i've um i helped guys improve their dick pics and i ended up having to like put like handle their dicks and put them into these dioramas that we made and so i had to touch a lot of dicks and your boyfriend's like yeah just touch the dick yeah like he really was like and do it you did what like oh but he yeah but he's he's fine with it i um we're we talked about my boyfriend and i have always like talked about opening up our relationship because i like to hear stories of him like being with other women like i've always liked to hear about his past i just just, it turns me on. And so, but he's out of stories. So I was like,

you need to go make some new ones. So I interviewed girls to fuck my boyfriend on the show. So we did that. And then did he fuck one? No, we didn't land on a good one. Like, I almost don't want it to be someone I pick.

I just want him to like, go do it and then have me find out about it. Like I almost wanted, and I almost wanted to be maybe someone he's already hooked up with or something like that. He almost did it once. He made out with a girl once when I told him to, which was testing it. In front of you?

No, he was at a bachelor party weekend. And you loved hearing about it? Loved it. Huh. Yeah, because everyone's like, are you really going to love it? And I was like yeah i am i fucking loved it i not yeah i i like that so um and then also yeah and then this week um

does he want you to fuck somebody no no it's not a two-way street right and you don't want to you know i would of course i want to fuck other people like i'm not i still like have desires but um no i i but this is something that i want so it's it's yeah so how long but like at what point does that show because where's your line um there have been things that i've been uncomfortable with like he wants to we want to put his parents on a lie detector. Cause I've done my parents on a lie detector and ask them questions about their sex life. And I've had my guy friends on the lie detector and ask them if they want to fuck me and done stuff like that.

And now they're like, let's have Chris's parents on it. And you ask them if you're a good enough girl for him. And I'm like, that makes me uncomfortable. Cause I don't want to, I want to have relationships with these people ultimately so that's like there's certain lines

right but like I it's an emotional line it's not a sexual line it's interesting yes and let's talk about this therapist so this sounds unhealthy to me yeah Donna yeah Donna now do you like have lunch with Donna and stuff

no okay no so still there's boundaries professional boundaries sure yeah she doesn't she doesn't see anything Now, do you have lunch with Donna and stuff? No. Okay. No. So still there's boundaries, professional boundaries. Sure, yeah. She doesn't see anything that I do. She doesn't watch my stand-up. Are you sure? She doesn't know anything. I'm positive. She doesn't care.

So what would cause you to want to break up with her? Because all my friends told me I should. Because why? Because she'll tell me things like, you're not a beauty. You're not beautiful. You're not a model. So who cares what you look like? She's 80.

She's 80. She's an old Jewish 80-year-old woman who's like, you're not beautiful. Are you Jewish? You're okay looking. No. So I'll be like, I talk about, I'm worried about this thing I'm taping this weekend. I have Jewish? You're okay looking. No. So I'll be like, I talk about like, I'm worried about this thing

I'm taping this weekend. I have to find a dress for it. Why are you wearing a dress? Why don't you just wear what you normally wear? Because I want to look nice for it. Why do you want to look nice? You're not a beauty.

You're a comedian. And I'll be like, because I want to look pretty. But you're not pretty. She'll say that stuff to me. And I go, Donna, you can't say these things to me. And she goes, well, you need to get it through your head. You're not pretty she'll say that stuff to me and i go you donna you can't say these things to me and she goes well you need to get it through your head you're not a model what is this and

i'll start weeping stuff like that where's that show no shit right i've asked her to be on my show and she goes i know i'm terrible on camera i would never get her on the fucking phone she's amazing she is so funny get her on the fucking phone. She's amazing. She is so funny. You can't get her on the phone. Yeah, she... You gotta set up a situation that might be delicate for the show

and then call her to ask her what she thinks. You're not funny. I'm funny. You're the least funny client I have. I'll tell you, you're not funny at all.

Yeah. You're not funny. Oh, no. I can't even believe you're a comedian. You're not funny. I, no. I can't even believe you're a comedian. You're not funny. I'll tell you who's funny. I'm funny. I have other...

So I send my boyfriend's brother to her, and he's even told me that she's asked him, is Nikki funny? Like, I haven't seen her stand up. Is she funny? Because she's not funny in here. I go, because I'm not... What am I...

I'm not trying to be funny in here. I'm very serious in here. I guess this is the kind of mother you need. No shit. Who's like, you know, honestly going to do this. It doesn't sound great, but I can understand why you like it. She's tough. I love it.

I love it. She's just like, she's mean. She's mean to me. Don't you see a connection between her treating you like that and you wanting to hear about your boyfriend fucking other women? Yes. So you're like this weird, wanting to hear about your boyfriend fucking other women. Yes. So you're like this weird, this is weird, submissive thing. Yeah. I like being told what to do.

Like she'll give me like, she'll be like, no, you're going to do this. If I need to write like an email to someone, she's like, take out your phone. I'll tell you what to write and I'll just write it. Like she tells me what to do and I love it. I hate like these like, I would suggest you do that. Like just tell me what to do. I love it. All right.

And that's like the worst thing that a therapist can do, I think, is to like just tell you how to live your life. But like, yeah, I love her. If I have a daughter, I'm going to name her Donna. Like I'm going to name my daughter after my therapist. And you're going to ask your daughter to yell at you. Yes. Please. Tell me mommy's ugly ugly say how ugly mommy is she's so funny uh she goes i i'm very thin and i just i if i overeat one day i don't eat the next day she has like no

concept of like what to say to an anorexic girl i'm i'm not even kidding this woman is so expensive she's the it's insane what i pay for this lady it's but she's okay nikki amy once told me she was like she goes i go amy i can't stop seeing her this is years and years ago she goes i go amy i can't stop seeing her i owe her so much money and she goes nikki i will pay whatever you owe her right now for you to stop seeing her it was like 20 grand or something she was like i will write a check right now amy almost came in one time with me to see her because she hated donna so much she was like i want to go in and donna was like send send her in with me. Come on, bring her in. And it just didn't work out

with schedule. That's how much Amy was like, I don't like this woman. And Donna is always like, I saw Amy. I read Amy's article in the New York Times. And you know what?

I don't agree with what she said. Like, we're always talking about like what Amy said because she knows that Amy hates her. You love this. I do. It's just so, like, I just just love she just makes my life more interesting like sometimes i just do things for the story that doesn't sound like what's

happening it she does the thing is she provides me with a lot of guidance like i i don't know what i'd panic without her like she's the first person i call when something bad happens and i'm like i need to know what's the right thing to do and she's just because she's so straightforward and a little abusive there's an honesty to it yes that that you react to i just think she's right i just think she's right she convinces me she is okay well as long as you do you ever does she you know make you cry and ruin your day only once and i it was very early on okay and i i think it was because i knew she was right and i just wasn't ready to accept it it's an interesting um i think i just lived with so much uncertainty growing uncertainty growing up my or my mom would be like i don't know what

you should do yeah i hate that i have that too yeah you know do you want me to say no did you ever get that one yes it's the worst yes yes or you know nick you could do either one yeah i don't know yeah well if you go you could it could be really fun but also if you don't like there's always like right i just want people to make decisions for me right i'm very bad at making decisions. So it's very nice to learn how to from an old Jew. Yeah, I had that too. And like, I don't like,

the way it manifests in me though is just anxiety. So I get, like the fact that I have a house and everything was only because, you know,

a woman pushed me to do it. But like now I have to like, like it's falling apart and I need to do something and I just, I get exhausted. Just like, I just got to call the guy

to come trim the tree. When's that going to that gonna happen yes and it's because of that because like I get overwhelmed with the anxiety of just being decisive and then if I do make a decision as soon as I do it I'm like that's the fucking wrong decision god damn it what's Donna's number exactly I want everyone to see her. I've turned so many people on to her. And it's working for people? It really is. A lot of comics.

All right. Well, it was good talking to you. It was great talking to you, Mark. Thank you for having me. Was this exciting and new? And do we have a nice chat? I think we did. We did.

We did? Did you just ask me if we did? I did, but I'm telling you now. Okay, good. We had a nice chat. Thanks. I really feel like the urge to tell you to do something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay ask me if we did? I did, but I'm telling you now. Okay, good. We had a nice chat. Thanks. I really feel like the urge to tell you to do something. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yes, we did. What should I go do? Thanks, Nikki. Thank you, Mark. All right, so that was fun. I like her. I like Nikki Glaser so yeah watch the season finale

of her Comedy Central show Not Safe with Nikki Glaser that's tomorrow alright so what do we have to look forward to on Thursday a lot we're gonna find out

what happened for real in Nebraska am I gonna fucking play guitar? I can. Hold on. I always ask you about the guitar like you're expecting it. uh

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