WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 716 - Chelsea Handler / Jen Kirkman

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

Chelsea Handler is embarking on a brave new world with a weekly talk show on Netflix. But Marc wants to find out if this Chelsea is really any different than the last Chelsea. Awkwardness ensues. Plus, Jen Kirkman stops by to talk about her new book and figure out how she's grown since her last WTF appearance, nearly seven years ago. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Calgary is a city built by innovators. Innovation is in the city's DNA. And it's with this pedigree that bright minds and future thinking problem solvers are tackling some of the world's greatest challenges from right here in Calgary. some of the world's greatest challenges from right here in Calgary. From cleaner energy, safe and secure food, efficient movement of goods and people, and better health solutions,

Calgary's visionaries are turning heads around the globe, across all sectors, each and every day. Calgary's on the right path forward. Take a closer look how at calgaryeconomicdevelopment.com. Lock the gate! all right let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fucksters what the fuckadelics what's happening i'm mark maron this is wtf my podcast welcome to the show got a double header today sometimes we do that i think that most of you understand what happens here at the show how it works this one's a little different in a way really i'm sorry to hear that well yeah i mean you know

just stay you know just stay in the day try to stay present you know do what you can okay all right good good to see you too nice talking to you all right so we caught up look uh so today on the show what do we got jen kirkman the very funny jen kirkman stopped by to talk a bit about her new book and then chelsea handler stopped by to talk about her new show now both jen and chelsea have been on the WTF before. And sometimes, as you know, if someone's a friend of the show or a friend of mine, somebody I like, and they got something going on, I'll do another interview. We'll hang out, do a shorty. I call them a shorty. Short talk. So that was the plan with both Jen and Chelsea.

But Chelsea and I ended up talking longer. And I decided to go ahead and put it up as a whole thing because it was sort of interesting. It was a little tense. I'll explain more about it before I introduce her. Jen, of course, is Jen. And what else is happening? I am okay. I'm very grateful to the people who come to see the shows at the Trippany House on these Tuesdays that I'm doing. I appreciate it. Last night was very exciting. Things are taking shape. Sometimes I'm not always sure about whether or not my creative process actually works

and whether or not things are going to come together. But I've been doing about an hour and a half each performance, all of them vastly different, give or take a few bits, and I'm trying to evolve it. different, give or take a few bits, and I'm trying to evolve it. Now, I record all of these, and the trick about that is I have to listen to the recordings at some point. So I'm trying to be responsible about that, but I do appreciate you coming out. I will pitch my tour dates a bit right now, so you know that I'm going to be around. So you know that I'm going to be around. The Trippany House continues on June 21st and June 28th.

Two more Tuesdays. I don't know if there are tickets. I will be at the Ice House here in Pasadena, down the street in Los Angeles area on July 3rd. That's Sunday, the night before July 4th. I'll be in Spokane, Washington, July 7th, 8th, and 9th at the Spokane Comedy Club. I will be in Salt Lake City, Utah, July 14th, 15th, and 16th at Wise Guys. All right? I'll be at the Comedy Attic. That's in Bloomington, Indiana, July 28th, 29th and 30th. All right. I will be at Stand Up Live, August 18, 19 and 20 in Phoenix, Arizona.

I'm doing one night in Albuquerque, New Mexico, September 3rd. And that's a benefit show in my hometown. New Mexico, September 3rd, and that's a benefit show in my hometown. Then I'll be in Rochester, New York, September 9th, 10th. Okay. That's what's up for now. More dates coming for the bigger venues. These are mostly club dates. Exciting. Get back into the trenches. Do the real work. Oh my God. What's happening, man? i told you guys about uh i got a john c riley interview that's going to be up in a in a couple weeks that was great um some of you've seen on um on the twitter there that uh you know neil young stopped by that's going to be up soon uh that was uh that was intense that was uh that was uh that was a that was climbing a mountain

climbing mount neil young so look forward to that but i also want to tell you about uh john c reilly uh has he's a producer of a show that's on adult swim called check it out with dr steve brule and that's going to premiere tomorrow night. It's an episode about cars. It's very funny. It's very odd. The Doctor is one of the most compelling, disturbing, and hilarious, comedic presence on television, in my opinion. And John C. Reilly is involved with that show.

That's how he puts it, so that's how I'm going to put it. So enjoy that. Here's a little update about me. Everything's okay. Relationship's going pretty well. Had a little fight. It's a weird thing about fights, about being in a couple and having an argument of things getting ugly.

I got a report that if it helps anybody else, I've become too old and too self-aware to yell and scream as much as I used to. I am capable of delivering some yelling and screaming, but for shorter intervals and spaced out over many months. But the one thing I forget about arguing in a relationship is that if you don't get too abusive and it isn't too petty, sometimes you can break through to a new level with the person. Sometimes you can break through to a new level with the person. There's probably other ways to do it, like having a nice conversation about needs or things that you might want to work on as a couple. You know, that type of stuff, proactive sit-downs that mature adults do. This is not something that I am too good at.

So usually what happens with me is I wait till things build up to a festering heat within my heart and mind. And then over something stupid and mundane, I'll just lose my shit and then make the whole day fucked up. Yeah. So what I'm saying is I ruined an afternoon date and then it was sort of rebuilding. But I think we learned something about each other. And that sometimes that's the way it works,

depending on what kind of person you are. Sometimes if the fight is not too gnarly, it can take you to a new place. Obviously there's apologies required. But a new understanding can be met upon and negotiated if you survive the horrible outburst or abusive behavior. You know, emotional abuse. I'm not pushing the envelope here and I'm not justifying anything. But I think it's just

part of being a couple right huh you don't hear me talk about this stuff what i'm saying is we survived we're a bit stronger the show and a friend of mine, and she's here. If you want to hear Jen on old WTF episodes, you can get the Howell Premium account at WTFpod.com and check out episode 28 for a full interview and episode 101 for a live show that Jen was on. This is almost like a continuation of the Jen story. So this is me and Jen Kirkman. Her new book is I Know What I'm Doing and Other Lies I Tell Myself. That's available now.

So this is me and Jen. Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun only on disney plus we live and we die we control nothing beyond that an epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by james clavelle to show your true heart is to risk your life when i die here you'll never leave japan alive fx's shogun a new original series streaming february 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply.

Calgary is an opportunity rich city home to innovators, dreamers, disruptors and problem solvers. The city's visionaries are turning heads around the globe across all sectors each and every day. They embody Calgary's DNA. A city that's innovative, inclusive, and creative. And they're helping put Calgary and our innovation ecosystem on the map as a place where people come to solve some of the world's greatest challenges. Calgary's on the right path forward. Take a closer look out at calgaryeconomicdevelopment.com. I drove here on the freeway that wouldn't have happened last time oh you've grown so much I did I believe your influence oh really I had something to do with

it you had something to do with what actually you, you had something to do... With what? Actually, you gave me a book once. I don't know if you remember. You did two things, and I don't know if you know you did this for me. If they're good things, I'd love to hear about them. Yeah, or bad. Either way. You called me when I was getting divorced. Yeah. And you said, you got a lawyer?

And I go, no, we're not doing that kind of thing. We've already talked. We don't have anything anyway anyway we're just splitting what we don't have equally right and you're like now that's bullshit someone's gonna tell him to get a lawyer and then uh he'll who's leaving who yeah i go well it's it's mutual but more me and you're like bullshit get a lawyer he's getting one did he he got one and you know it's not his fault but the lawyers they'll just do stuff without oh yeah no telling their client they're doing it you don't know what they're doing and you don't understand what they're doing and they just and they just want to string it out and i i'm so glad i got one it was stupid in the end we paid more to the lawyers

than we did to each other. And then you... That's their whole racket. Then you either texted or called me and you're like, get this book on love addiction. And I go, I've been married. I don't have that. Is it a melody book? Yeah, and I go,

no. And then I got it anyway. And then I read it like a year later and I was like, oh my god. I have that kind of personality. And then I read it like a year later and I was like, oh my God. I have that kind of personality. And it was just laying dormant during the marriage, which one of the things is when you get married, you are trying to be normal and do everything right. And I thought it meant you got hookers. And I didn't know about that kind of problems with relationships can be these patterns.

Patterns. That have been there since you were a kid. And they shouldn't call it addiction. I think it's affliction. But I'm like, why did Mark appear? Probably not. I mean, I know you were doing 10 other things that moment. It wasn't these deep, intimate.

It was just like, yeah, do this. But I was like, we weren't friends. We weren't hanging out. And it was just like yeah do this but I was like we weren't friends we weren't hanging out and it was so bizarre like perhaps you were projecting but it worked out well for me or something I don't know I think I always felt uh connected to you I feel like you're one of those people that you know I watched go through things and after our first you know interview you know I got more of a sense of you but like i you know i still remember like first meeting you i remember like you were a kid almost it was it you know it was like get a

some open mic stand-up show in new york because you knew me and you know like and i just i remember like literally remember you like a kid yeah i well i was 24 which is a kid but i was thinking about i feel like a kid now i feel so a lot of my defenses yeah and control issues are being stripped away yeah and so i don't have all the new tools yet and the old manipulative ones are gone are they so i'm kind of like uh oh yeah just kind of raw yeah but not crazy raw but like okay are you so i'm kind of like uh oh yeah it's just kind of raw yeah but not crazy raw but like okay are you sure i'm just shy more i think i feel like a kid now and i feel like oh god i i feel embarrassed about things that are i deserve in our normal like going to do a show i feel embarrassed promoting it and when i was 24 i

thought that everything i have now which isn't a lot but it's fine yeah is what i deserved that day right yeah and i had this bravado and yeah yeah god i i can't believe the change the shift it's like a freaky friday like i should have some of that bravado now yeah but it's i don't know where it was come back around yeah like a healthy amount yeah or just like you know you might actually feel good about yourself oh i do that's what i it's and that's what's weird is it's weird to me to feel good about yourself yeah not at other people right no it's like it's like you feel sort of ashamed of it like to like i do like sort of like hey things are going okay keep it to yourself yeah and it's weird that you're not catholic because that's a catholic thing is it and it's a big boston thing why well for me it's more

like i know i don't wear like it's very easy to misread my personality's arrogant anyways like because of my intensity and a certain amount of intelligence. So if I actually feel good about myself, I don't want people to read it as like, I guess Marin's that guy now. Oh, right. You have to, right. It's stupid. You can't control to a certain degree your essence,

like what people perceive of you. You can't control it. Yeah, so you have to be careful. I can't get cocky. I don't do cocky well. Right, yeah, because if you... And I'm afraid of that within myself, that if I feel too good about myself, I'll be like, yeah, fuck that.

You know, like I will get cocky. Right. And then it goes slippery slope. Right. Right. So it's like... You stop trying. Well, you want to stay humble if you can and, you know, appreciate things and the gratitude

and all that other stuff. I think it's pretty easy in a way, if you're healthy enough, to stay humble in LA. Because all you have to do is go to other people's sets, homes, and you're like, oh, okay. I don't have this. Right. If that's what we mean by humble,

I think it's kind of easy. No, I think by humble, what is that word? I don't mean to be humbled by other people's success or your own insecurity insecurity but just sort of to remember you know that everyone's i think it has something to do with being empathetic that like you know if you if the the the playing field is level in the sense of like we're all

people right if you can see that and see it in yourself and others then you know you can kind of stay in a good place yeah i think it's also too that it's looking at the bigger picture, that anything someone might have was either, I don't mean God literally, but was either going to happen or wasn't going to happen. Oh, yeah, you need to do that? No, I don't mean a plan. I just mean like, in other words. It's not yours.

It's not yours. It's got nothing to do with you, actually. It's got nothing to do with you. It's got nothing to do with you. You were born and you will die. And that is not under your control. So at the same time, perhaps, maybe the good things that have happened, the bad things, those weren't under your control either.

Even if you worked hard and accomplished something, there was something that made you or me or someone else achieve the thing and others who are still trying not. So you can't be too hard on yourself about it. No, because it's also random anyway. Yeah. And it has nothing to do with you. Other people's shit.

But also you have to figure out a way to frame stuff as like, you know, things that happen were supposed to happen. You know, in retrospect, there's no other way to look at it because you don't want to have a bunch of regrets. So, you know, like whatever, whatever it was that got me here got me here and i'm okay sometimes i do think well i do remember this one way i could have played my life that year yeah and what would have happened and i can't say that i don't come up with a better story sometimes than than what actually happened, but what I have learned. You seem okay. You seem a little fragile. I'm fragile. I'm a little fragile, but not like a, I'm just, well, I think I'm nervous. About what, life?

No, I was nervous to be here. Do a good job. Do a good job. What are you talking about? I don't know. What's going on, man? Sometimes I get concerned when I look at your Twitter feed and I don't engage. job do a good job what are you talking about what's going on man sometimes i like sometimes i i get concerned when i look at your twitter feed and i don't engage oh my god i was saying to a friend

i hope he doesn't bring up twitter it's so stupid it's stupid but you and i are a lot alike if you get us at the wrong moment and we engage well that's true it's it's going to be you know it's very easy to to fight it to a certain degree but then when you lock in with trolls or you lock in with your own mania or aggravation at the moment you know you can't take it back well here's what i'm going to say and you can call me on the is this a policy percentage of bullshit that i'm saying but there are days i get on as a human and i'm like i can't with the kids who want free tickets you know like i get oh yeah well you've developed but see but you've developed a certain thing I can't with the kids who want free tickets. You know, like, I get. Oh, yeah. Well, you've developed, but see, but you've developed a certain thing.

Like, you know, we all, whatever we put out there. Yeah. You know, everyone has access to us now one way or the other. They can get to you. Yeah. And they can get to you in a very personal way if you engage with that. If you're, if you're, if you're confidence level, whoever you are needs that. Yeah. You know, to engage like that, they're going to get to you.

You know, one way or the other. But I think the point I'm trying to make is that it's hard not to look at it as something, you know, very important and immediate. And, you know, ultimately, it's like, you know, you're really dealing with one person. Like, you know, you're really dealing with one person. Well, my problem with the important and immediate is not so much in those situations where it's because I wish I could prove to everyone how much I ignore. I tend to ignore the you're not funnies because I again, I realize I could prove to people how much you let's set that straight right here. So most of the time outside of when you're engaging with somebody and losing your fucking mind, you're not even paying attention to Twitter. I do want to set it straight because I do look at male comics on Twitter and what they fight about. And it's usually about themselves and being funny.

And I really feel like I'm doing, I'm noticing, I'm doing a feminist thing, which is I mostly get or react to, and I'm not emotionally reacting. Yeah. I am, I will retweet something very sexist. Someone says that they don't know it's that unconscious sexism, the way we still talk to women. Right. And I will put a comment above it, block them so I don't have to see any more from them and move on.

And I do it to show the good guys who want to know what's going on that this happens. And they're not, I don't like to call them trolls because these are the real men we've always dealt with and when people say they wouldn't say it to your face i'm like well they've said it to all our faces all our lives and then the internet comes and it's a new yeah but these are these are nameless you know cowards but i don't think so i get a lot of stuff from a dad holding his daughter in his avatar picture. Yeah, but you don't know anything about his wife. No, but he'll write me not even knowing anything about me. You should have a man. You wouldn't have to go on the road. Like that stuff.

Oh, oh, oh. But that's old timey shit. But then there's new shit. The younger guys who just don't know why they don't like Hillary. Then they don't want to read an article about subconscious sexism. Sure, sure. Right, right. So I think it's just all the women on Twitter.

I'm not saying it's not sexist, but I'm saying that some of it's less malignant in aggression. Oh, yeah. No, I don't feel it's aggression. And that's my whole point is I want to have a conversation about sexism in the world where I think men think it's aggression. And then we go home and cry. It's more like white noise. They're always like this.

We walk through the world like, yeah, we're sending a text. There's sexism over there. Going to the bank, some sexism. It's constant. And we're not like, oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to show them like this is just part of our life. Yeah, just be aware of it.

Just be aware of it. But there's no way on Twitter to assess tone. Yeah. And so if I have a bad day and I say to someone, oh, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Which I try not to do often. I try to delete it right away. Yeah.

But. Deleting doesn't get rid of it. No, it doesn't. But if I do that, no one knows that that's not the same way I feel if someone says something culturally sexist or something and I retweet it and write something, I'm trying to sound professorial. Right. And I feel like if a dude did it about race, it would be picked up by everything like,

blah, blah, goes on a genius rant. Well, it's not the right platform to really express nuance or point of view. Thank you. Nuance is lost. Yeah, of course. And then, you know, it's just like people read the tone

however they want to read. Yeah. Like I read it wrong. Sometimes I think you're just like sitting at home going, bleh. No, sometimes I'm just in line at Whole Foods and I'm doing, I'm usually never home just on the computer.

I'm always doing something. So what's this like, all right, so Twitter aside. Yeah. You've got another book. So what's this, like, alright, so Twitter aside, you've got another book it's out now? It's the second book. Yeah, yeah. It's called I Know What I'm Doing and Other Lies I Tell Myself.

How'd the other book do? It's funny, the other book got on the bestseller list, but this one is selling a little better, but didn't get on the list. That makes sense. Well, it's that first week thing. It's that first week thing. Oh, yeah.

When it got on, it was first week. Right. You can make it under the, you got to punt that first week so it will allow you to say it's a bestseller. Yeah. And what people don't know, and I'm very honest about, I let people in, is the pre-sale sales count towards first week. Of course. So if your book's on sale for eight months,sale sales count towards first week. So if your book's on sale for eight months, all that sales counts as first week. It doesn't even mean everyone bought it that first week.

But yeah, the second one's out and it was supposed to be like a post-divorce book. I'm turning 40 and here's my life. And my editor wanted it to be like this advice, like go ladies. But I'm not that person. My circumstances change a lot and I change a lot. So I never want to be, even for the small amount of people that know me, the spokesperson for anything. Because you're constantly questioning yourself. Well, I'm not like, hey, single ladies, have some Chardonnay.

I don't like that stuff. Do you think they should? If people want a chardonnay go for it i mean i enjoy a pinot grigio but that whole thing of like i'm single when i'm single because either i'm choosing to be or there's no one around so what are the essays about but it's not a lifestyle right now i get it um divorce yeah an affair i sort of had when i was divorcing um a cell phone that was stolen by someone that was going to reveal this affair um someone you knew no a guy just stole my phone at foxwoods casino and it was the one time i got recognized from being on chelsea lately he found

my phone and saw some texts to another guy he knew i was married and he tried to blackmail me for five thousand dollars really and i got an undercover cop to walk with me outside of radio city music hall to give the guy the phone with the money and to give the guy the money for the phone and they were gonna yeah get him and then he never showed up so you never got your phone back no but nothing ever happened how come you didn't have fucking lock on your phone who doesn't lock their phone it was like a Blackberry. It was like so long. I don't even know. Oh, is that long ago?

And then there's essays about traveling the world as a lady. Well, not as a lady, but just traveling. I happen to be a lady. But there's some stories like that. And then about a relationship I got in and got out of. It was, I mean, I did get divorced, what, five years ago? It seems longer. Really? 25? You know what's funny? Can I, just for get divorced, what, five years ago. It seems longer. Really?

It's only five? You know what's funny? Can I, just for the hardcores out there? Sure. When I first came in here and we talked about I was afraid to fly to Australia. Yeah. And that was, was that before you were divorced? I was just married six weeks.

Oh, yeah. And I went to Australia and fell in love with it so much and fell in love with the fact that, oh my God, I wasn't scared at all. Right. And I felt like me and I went, oh, there's a part of me I've never explored and she's really independent and oh my God, she got married for security. Oh my God, I don't want to be married. That was just nine weeks after I was married.

Oh. And I, um, it was hard. And what I hate about talking about this stuff or writing about it is he probably felt the same way. I mean, it's not like he was begging me to spend time with him and begging me to sleep with him. He was just as not interested in me. I think he just, again, isn't as. We sort of got to tell ourselves that. It's painful for everybody involved.

It's not a process that anybody wants to go through. I think he was more mad when we split up that he had wasted the time he was very concerned with that yeah there's a lot of complex emotions yeah but it wasn't like oh my god i i want you let's work it out so right away you knew right right that they you did you might have uh done something out of fear i did something out of fear and i think that he wouldn't be the type of man, and not anything wrong with it, but he's just more of a stay in one place. I do my work.

Someday I want to retire. More 50 than me 90 is when I want to retire. And I wanted to travel the world, I realized. How's the comedy, Jen? Everything good? I saw a little spike in things after my Netflix special came out last year. Yeah.

And then this past tour I did, maybe being oversensitive, maybe I hit cities too often. Yeah. But it was like, oh, I can sell out 350 seaters. Here I go. No problem. And then this time it was like, we jumped to the next level maybe too quick. Oh. And it wasn't even like, now I can't sell 500.

It was like, there's not even 300 people in the 500. So, but I'm, I feel like I'm pursuing a very male career. Like I want a Bill Burr, Louis comedy career. I'm not saying as funny as him. And I'm only in year 19. I need 19 more. It's a long time. It's a long time.

But I feel like, I feel like. Why don't you want a Jen comedy career? I mean, in the sense that i want to be a road you want to be able i don't want to be a television star right i actually just want to be a comment yeah and when i do tv it's to support that right um and i have to pitch tv shows so my agents don't drop me right and i know i have to be on one to get people to come as you probably kind of realize still well doesn't being having marin help i think so i mean like there's a lot of me out there in a lot of different ways you know between the podcast and stand-up spots and and yeah and and marin yeah

there's definitely people that don't know or don't listen to the podcast that know me from marin now because of netflix more than ifc but but like you know it's um you know it's an amalgamation of things yeah uh yeah i think that you do get on people's radar it's very hard if you're not huge for whatever reason that happens which is sometimes unexplainable yeah um why certain people lodge in the public imagination in such a big way as opposed to people that are sort of off to the side that people discover you know no matter how much of you is out there no matter that i've been out there 25 years every day there's someone going like how did i not know about you and i don't know and i get excited but i'm like okay instead

of one person tweeting me that i I need like a thousand more. Well, you know, it's weird like that. You have to come to terms with certain things that, you know, your life is going to be your life in terms of, you know, who's coming out to see you. But you don't have, it's not unlike the program. You don't have a lot of control over that necessarily. And if you push too hard or you get aggravated about it, that reads too. I think the only area of my life that should be aggravating

and isn't is comedy. I don't mind the travel. Well, yeah, but when you're up there, yeah, me neither. It's great to be in a hotel. You don't have to deal with any of your bullshit home problems. And I like my audiences

and I like clubs too and I don't know who the audience any of your bullshit home problems. And I like my audiences. Yeah. And I like clubs too. And I don't know who the audience is. I just feel like, I feel very confident in myself as a stand-up. I actually go, oh, I did it. Yeah. I did this hard thing that not a lot of people can do. Yeah, you're a professional stand-up. And ladies, you know, it's, I want to be very, I don't want to be the person that just plays

to their crowd. Yeah. I want to be seen as a killer. I mean, it's this very masculine instinct in very, I don't want to be the person that just plays to their crowd. I want to be seen as a killer. I mean, it's this very masculine instinct in me, I think, or feminine, maybe it is. But I feel very proud when I'm just seen as a comic. I'm excited. I want to keep going. I like where my material is going.

Good. I just feel like I just love nothing more. Yeah. But I don't relate to, I don't know why I love it. Yeah. I will never relate to people saying when they get a laugh, it's like heroin and you're chasing it. I don't know what that is. No.

I think maybe we have a common thing where there's a freedom of mind and a total possession of self. And, you know, there's a complete control that, you know, that it's all you. And it's, you know, it's all up to me. And I can say whatever I want to say. You know, I own this space for as long as I hold it. That's a beautiful way to put it. And I also think it's like, not validation like love, but connecting like,

yes, other people have thought this. That's why they're laughing. Not because I'm funny. Yeah, you and I are cursed with the same thing, which is like somehow or another, we've sought the comfort of rooms full of strangers to try to define who we are. That's right.

I'm comforted by them. It is no way an ego validation. Well, it is a little, but I mean, but there is this sort of like thing. Like I never, when I started, it was not, I didn't see myself as a song and dance man or an entertainer. I needed to figure out, you know,

what I thought and what my point of view was and, you know, somehow discover myself in that way. Like it takes a very weird person to like, I need to go through self-discovery, being witnessed in very embarrassing situations by complete strangers. Yes. And then find out who I am.

It's a self-discovery thing for me. And now I'm comfortable, so I'm actually funnier than I have been previous. I think that's the thing too. And it doesn't matter how good your jokes are if you're young you just look like a baby deer up there kind of you don't think that though you totally don't and that's what makes it even more i'm ready yeah and that's why now i'm like oh i even look at i did london a couple years ago and then i just did it this

year and it went so much better and i went went, God, the crowds are different. Like, idiot, it was you. It was your first big show there. And you were probably, I don't want to think about it. It's nerve wracking. Oh, God, it's so embarrassing. So both books are out. Both books are out. And you're not afraid to fly and you're healthy.

And you just got through like a relationship. That was a big learning thing. And your stand up is good you're a little concerned about the draw this year but it'll come back around I think I'm doing another special

I'm hoping that'll bring people out next year okay so I guess everything's good and probably the only thing left to do is drop dead on stage no

no no the only thing left to do no is keep doing it keep doing it maybe have a healthy relationship if you want it. You know, start thinking about... That's on the books. Yeah, start thinking about like you seem to like to write books.

Oh, I already know my third book. Okay, there you go. What is it? I can't say because I haven't even pitched it yet. But let's just say it's on the theme of what we've discussed. Oh, good. So you're moving more towards the self-help section. Well say it's on the theme of what we've discussed. Oh, good. So you're moving more towards the self-help section.

Well, it's not going to help anybody. That's not a way to sell it. It's going to help me. Don't put that on the cover. It's going to help me. Well, good. Well, I love you, Jen.

It's nice to see you. I love you, too. Thank you. Thank you. Jen Kirkman and me talking about her new book. I know what I'm doing, and otherwise I tell myself. You can get it. So we're going to talk to Chelsea Handler in a minute. I need to explain some stuff.

Explain it. I need to explain some stuff. So me and Chelsea Handler, I like Chelsea Handler and I did an interview with her years ago at her home and she's difficult and tough and a little intense, maybe even scary to some, but I've always liked her after since that first interview maybe I didn't like her a little before that but I liked her then I have a new I had new respect for I think she did a great job with her old show but I had her in here and I was surprised that she came over to uh to talk about her new show on Netflix and uh it was just supposed to be a short thing. And then it just got weird, man.

It just got fucking weird. She has a certain way about her. And she was kind of bullying me a little bit. That's kind of her style. And then I just got compelled by it. It just, the tension was so, you know, so like rich that I just wanted to stay in it and see if I could break through. I wanted to break through to the soft center of Chelsea Handler. So I hung in there.

And I wanted you to have the full experience that I had. For whatever reason, I did not stop taking it. And I tried to push through. And for some reason, I wanted to share that whole experience with you. All right? Her new Netflix show, Chelsea, is streaming now. There are new episodes every week. You can also hear the earlier Wf with her on the on the

how premium that's episode 275 but this is me and chelsea handler uh featuring my humility taking a bit of a beaten look at you how are you haven't seen you in so long oh look at your nice radio voice i like that do you do you feel it it's like very girly is it different yeah like when i hate when i hear my voice do that yeah hi i don't think i did that you did I did not. Okay. I can talk manly. My radio voice is very- I think you're manly. Oh, thank God. Yeah.

Yeah, except when you walked through my house and went, oh, you got cats, huh? That was like pretty emasculating. Just the tone of it made my dick funny. Just went away. I felt my dick go into my body. What did you do with the cats when Obama came here? That was almost a deal breaker. When they had to go bring the bomb dog into the house, I cut a deal with the Secret Service that

they would do the back room by hand. So I just moved the cats into the bedroom, locked them in there. They did the dog, took them out, and then they went in there and checked it out. Really? Yeah. They accommodated me. So they knew you had cats though? Right, what was your concern? That Obama was allergic or that they might be threatening to the president? Well, or that he might think you're a pussy. Well, you know, I don't know.

I think he talked to me for a little while. I wouldn't say I'm a pussy. I'm on the pussy cusp, but I think when it comes right down to it, I'm not a pussy, Chelsea. I like I'm not a pussy, Chelsea. That really i and i think i like i'm not a pussy chelsea that really adds the extra that's the name of my book it's me it's me chelsea i'm not a pussy you should write a book i've written two oh it's all right you don't need to keep up with other people's

success or failures or know what they're doing with their life it's it's really i just know how successful this is your podcast i remember when you started your podcast. I know, I came to your house. Yeah, I remember that. That was a couple years in, but I wanted to talk to you, so I drove up and I was curious to see how you lived. Yeah, I remember. We sat outside right by my.

Yeah, it was nice. And I remember you had a toilet that did a lot of stuff. Yeah, I see those occasionally. I'm still kind of baffled by them, that it's got all kinds of temperatures and things. Yeah, Japanese toilets. Yeah. I see those occasionally. I'm still kind of baffled by them. That they're, you know, it's got all kinds of temperatures and things. Yeah. Japanese toilets. Yeah. Do you like those?

I don't use them, but my guests seem to really like them. Like, I don't want water shooting up my asshole. Like, I'm not, I've never been interested in anything flying at my vagina or my assholes. So, I've never operated it. But it does flush for you. Like, I get up, you don't flush, it flushes itself. And that's so time consuming, the flushing part. Well, I mean, it's not time consuming, but it does flush for you like I get up you don't flush it flushes itself and that's so time consuming

the flushing part well I mean it's not time consuming but it's a nice perk you know you don't have to think about it you just get up and walk away right

like everything in life I know get up and walk away at the end of the day I'm like I'm exhausted from flushing yeah I need yeah

no the shooting up the ass thing is kind of weird because you still have to dry it it's not helping you at all. So it's like you're cleaning yourself, your vagina, peeing, and then you have to wipe anyway. So it's like, I don't even like to flush. So can you imagine me wasting my time drying my vagina after? I know.

It's disturbing for me to think about you just angrily drying your vagina. Well, that's good that we know that about you. I didn't think we'd get that right up front. We did. That you have an aversion to things being squirted into your asshole or vagina. Thank you. Yeah. I just want to make sure it's clear.

It's pretty clear. For example, when people are quoting this. Yes. So what's going on? What are you running around pitching the show? Not pitching it, selling it? Selling it. No, I mean, you know, promoting it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, promoting it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I've got to. I'm just asking. Don't get defensive. No, I didn't know if you thought I was pitching you a show. Yes, are you? I'm here.

A show about my toilets. I'm like, no. Oh, I thought that was the whole idea. No, no. It sounds great. So, I bring toilets. That's my new show. Or even promoting your show.

Have you done the big shows? Have you done the Fallon thing? Yeah, I did that the first week. How'd that go? Good. He's fun, right? Did you do a dumb game? I like Jimmy.

No, I don't do those games. Oh, maybe we did. Who knows? You know, you do so many of those shows, you don't remember what you did. I think James Corden, we did a, oh no, we did live Tinder or something. Oh, right, right. Who knows? Yeah, I did that yesterday.

I like Jimmy Fallon. I do too. He's very excited. He's like a puppy. But he's a good person. He's also nice. He is a nice guy. Yeah. Comes in, talks to you before the show do too. He's very excited. It's like a puppy. But he's a good person. He's also nice. He is a nice guy. Yeah.

Comes in, talks to you before the show. Right. He's excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like you were on Chelsea Lately, right? I just remember being at Chelsea Lately and you coming in. Do you need any warm bread or anything? He was very pleasant.

Yeah, yeah, always. I was always making baking things for my guests. Yeah, is that a weird memory or is that a wrong memory? Am I making that up? No, probably not. I mean, I don't know what's in your head or what's in my head. So this show... It's on Netflix.

Okay, is that it? Are we done? It's called Chelsea. Yeah. And it's there. It's happening. It's streaming. So once it's up, it's there forever.

Well, I guess my big question is, because I did see some promos for it where you're in different countries. You're around the world. I didn't know whether, for a while there, I didn't know if you were on vacation or working. Well, I was doing a little bit of both. Yeah? Yeah. I had a year off.

I did these four documentaries for Netflix. And then I started traveling for the show because I wanted the show to be a kind of between a talk show and the documentaries

because I loved I went to Japan I went to for this is on the year off part yeah well this is for the show like stuff Mexico City

we went to Japan I went to Russia that's all for the show just the places that I wouldn't go because I wanted to see what was going on there and if they're worth seeing like I've I've to go to russia so i thought it might be interesting

to go someplace st petersburg no we went to moscow oh really what was it like gray lots of big fat men smoking cigarettes drinking all the pretty women are you must enjoy the drinking not really no i mean it wasn't I was expecting to really be blown away by Russia because of the history. But you really have to go to St. Petersburg. Right. That's the pretty part, right? Yeah. That's what it looks like Disneyland. Yeah, it does. They have all those obelisks. Yeah. You know, those

buildings there. But Moscow's pretty cool. But I mean, it wasn't cool. It was the wrong time of year. And I wouldn't say I'm rushing to go back there. You know, Russians are pretty rough. Yeah? Yeah. Not warm and friendly? No. No. a year and i wouldn't say i'm rushing to go back there you know russians are pretty rough yeah yeah not not warm and friendly no no what'd you do there though is there good food at least or anything no it was really really rough because the food was really bad yeah they served everything smoked fish what is that your heart monitor no it's another recording thing that's been

fucking up with my backup you know it looks like something from like 1984 does it yeah that doesn't look modern or up to speed so maybe that's why it's broken there it goes no i think i it just had it so wait transistor no it's a flash recorder chelsea i mean i know you're not familiar with the way the rest of us live like you were surprised by a bag of snacks from trader joe's you're like where is this craft services no i didn't i just was interested in your shopping choices what do you mean the rest of you live what am i the queen of fucking what am i i think you're the queen of something no i'm not i live like well i don't live like

a normal person that's that's preposterous exactly that was my point that's not why i was looking at your snacks I was looking to see What kind of food you eat Well When we go back in the house I'll show you the whole fridge I just went shopping It's exciting

I bought a roast chicken And I pulled it apart And you don't like chicken? No I do Alright I did So Russia I have roots there

I want to go there Oh yeah Well we all have roots in Russia I think Yeah yeah The Jews So anyway We went to all these places We went to We filmed just a bunch Of different things Russia, I have roots there. I want to go there. Oh, yeah? Well, we all have roots in Russia, I think. Yeah, yeah. The Jews. So anyway, we went to all these places. We filmed just a bunch of different things in different cities and just highlighting

kind of cultural differences. And I went to geisha training in Tokyo. Really? How'd that go? Did you fight it? It was fun. It was stupid and fun and silly. I want to do a show that's informative while also being an idiot.

So it's kind of like, that's what we were traveling for. American abroad kind of thing? Like abroad abroad. Abroad abroad. A little bit. But also, you know, I'm in a different point in my life. I want to do a different kind of show. And Netflix is so great.

They let you do whatever you want. So I was like, let's go to all these places. And then we'll drop the pieces in the show throughout the show. So that's what we're doing. So now how does it work in terms of is it weekly or you can do it daily no we do three shows a week okay so they stream wednesday thursday friday okay so now you've got content in the can and you're going to do content week to week as well yeah we do it we we go to work on monday we and then we put a show on and then we drop in field pieces from stuff we shot for basically like four months. And then we shot tons of other pieces in town or went to Florida and interviewed voters and did a bunch of election stuff so that we can cover broader topics and not have it be so celebrity centric, which was what bored the shit out of me about my old show.

So we've been up and running for like three. I don't know how the fuck you did that for so long. I know. I know. But now it's like now it's challenging because you're starting a new show. It's a whole different kind of thing. And you've got to figure out the kinks and make things work. And you're like, okay, this doesn't work.

This works. So it's, but it, you know, you're working 12 hours days, but it's the most fulfilling 12 hours days I've had in years. I feel like, okay, fuck, I don't know what I'm doing here. Now, what are we doing? Okay, I got this. You know, starting a show is so exciting in so many ways. You know, some people hate it.

Some people love it. And you're like, okay, what do I do? Are we, are we on the right track? And you get your footing a little bit and then you take two steps back and you're like fuck this sucks and then you're like wait no i got it yeah you know that whole thing it can blow you it just blows you around yeah like a little cotton ball in a field and it's fucking exciting yeah and you're learning things you're way out of your comfort zone it seems yeah yeah yeah i am out of your comfort zone, it seems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am out of my comfort zone. Totally.

Yeah, and so you have these segments that you taped out in the world. Yeah. What's the guest roster? Do you have guests in the studio? Yeah, we had, you know, I have like Friday, tonight's show, tonight's show. So they stream at 12.01 Pacific time.

So tonight is this guy, Jacob Soboroff from MSNBC. He explains to me what superdelegates are. Oh. And like on a board. Yeah. And did you get it? Can you explain it to me? I finally got it.

I do. I mean, I got it. Yeah. I know more than I did yesterday. Well, that's good. And then, you know, we have Megan Fox and then I think we started out with the whole Hillary Benghazi scandal and explained that. Right.

Whether it's real or not. Like what happened, what it means. Because people, I feel like with this, what I want to accomplish with this show is constantly explaining what people are always pretending they know about. You know, you hear about news stories, you hear about like Hillary and emails,

but you don't really understand unless you're reading the paper every single day. Keeping up with it. So I kind of like want to learn and dumb it down and be like okay seriously what the fuck is a super right who are they right so you're being taught you're kind of representing the rest of us as sort of like oh good chelsea's gonna figure this out for us yeah exactly i hope so and do you feel like a better person because of it i feel more responsible yeah yeah that's. Well, that's good. I felt really irresponsible on my old show. Just like sitting there servicing that eating machine?

Yeah, I just felt kind of icky at the end. I just was like, this isn't right. Like, not that I'm a morally, like, I mean, I do have morals. I have very strong morals, but not that I feel some big responsibility to, like, the nation or, you know, the international community. But I felt a responsibility to myself, like, okay, if you're going to make this kind of money and have this kind of life, be a little bit more responsible

with what you're putting out there. Right. I mean, I imagine at the E! show, it got to a point where you're like, again? Like it just becomes a cycle. Yeah. You can't get out of that same fucking wheelhouse. And there are you know

there are times where you you like something's funny for a while and then it becomes unfunny and then it becomes if you wait just enough time it becomes funny again yeah and then once you're done with that phase of funniness you're done right you know yeah like then it's over so that's where i was right right because it kept coming back to that first part and it's over. So that's where I was. Right, right. Because it kept coming back to that first part. And it's like, really? Yeah. Well, I'm glad you got out pretty smoothly, it seemed. I know.

No problem. No problem whatsoever. I have such a big mouth. I'm just constantly going, oh, God, I understand why people are so annoyed with me. Yeah. You can't just, you know, you talk and are so annoyed with me yeah you can't just you know you talk and you say things like i have no filters yeah you don't realize that that sound bite is going to be replayed and rewritten and then misconstrued and then and then construed

in the right way accurately and then long after everyone's already responded so i've given up on it i'm like filtering myself i'm like who gives a shit anymore you know what everybody knows what i mean anyone who knows me knows that that's just the way it's gonna be now when you first started doing this show was it were you like panicked were you nervous were you you know well i always get really like i mean my whole career has kind of been based on starting out rough everything starts rough my e-show everyone panned me everyone's's like, oh, this is terrible. Yeah. And it was a good omen.

My books, everyone was like, they were terrible reviews, but then they were number one on the New York Times bestseller list. It's always kind of been my thing. I've never been a critic's darling, so I kind of told Netflix,

because the documentaries I did, I did this four-part documentary series called Chelsea Does for Netflix, and they got a lot of really good reviews, and I was like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm in trouble. I in trouble i said to them i go listen when this talk show starts it's going to be a big experiment i'll find my footing but it's not going to happen right away it's not going to be the show that i want it to be right away and i don't want you to get the wrong

idea about those great reviews from chelsea does because it's going to be a shit show like people hate me you know like i'm very divisive and they're like, oh, don't worry. We believe in you. We have faith. I'm like, no, no, no. You really need to not get like accustomed to me. I'm telling you, it's going to suck. To me being, I'll never ultimately suck, but I got to get my shit together. I've got to get my groove on.

It's like anybody. You got to. No, no, there's no way. And it's grown up to know that that's unavoidable. Like when you start a new thing, like you just know that i don't know how to do this like this yeah so like you're gonna have to wait yeah wait for me to get my shit together right you have to like it's like when i was shooting the the tv show i didn't know how to fucking act but i knew i would get it i knew i was good enough but you already had the

chops for talk show yeah right right you were curious yeah and netflix is so supportive and so great they're like that you know they're they're so funny because they're like no no you know they i mean they couldn't be it couldn't be a better place to work because you feel a that you have you don't have the panic like like you would on a network like what if i don't get what right right the ratings issue is doesn't matter they don't even tell you how many people right they don't get... Right, right. The ratings issue is there. It doesn't matter. They don't even tell you how many people are watching. Right, they don't even. But it's in 190 countries. Right.

So it's a huge platform. You're being fed. Your show's going out to all of them? Yeah. Oh, that's great. They translate it after I tape. They input the show. Then they translate it to 20 different languages.

Because I don't think they do that with all their content. I think Netflix or regional Netflix have different content. But yours is going out to everyone. It's the first global talk show ever. Wow. Yeah. So have you watched it in German? No.

I'm not that bored. Did you go to Germany? I was in Germany last weekend, actually. Last weekend? Yeah. I was in Spain. Where'd you go in Spain? Mallorca.

How was that? Nice. Great. Was that for the show? No, I bought a house in Mallorca. Really? Yeah. Like on the water? Yeah, I did it two summers ago. Like two months after I quit E, I went on this trip for my girlfriend's birthday.

And I just was like, this fucking place is awesome. If I find a house, I'm going to buy it no matter what. And it was like this abandoned seaside villa. And I just bought it and now it's done and it's beautiful. My whole family's going without me because i can't go now you got it all fixed up yeah it's all ready to go oh and you haven't been there since it's been all fixed up well i just went that's why i went just to check in everything was cool i was like is this really happening i mean you know people will tell you no one's ever had a good story about a contractor or construction

i mean i've redone my house here for it took like three years and they finished early and gave me money back what the spanish i was like what they're like you have an extra 15 000 euros to cry i'm like keep it do you know how fucking grateful i am wow they're the best and you had to go there to make sure that they did everything right like god this i just wanted to look at the house and see that it was like in one piece you know beautiful huh yeah do you have a boat no not yet you're gonna get a boat i think i'll get a boat yeah be nice right yeah but just my arctic asshole what i think i'll get a boat it's all right louie's into boats now um but louis ck yeah is he that's funny i wouldn't picture him on a boat i know right but he's got a couple boats got a shitty boat and a nice boat and he goes out and he's like you picture him on a boat. I know, right? But he's got a couple boats. He's got a shitty boat and an ice boat. And he goes out and he's got a-

Oh, I can picture him like fishing. People tell me about that stuff. Wait, my first thought is like, I got a boat. I'm like, what do you do with it when it's not being used? Just sits there? Yeah, it does, basically. Yeah, that makes me nervous. So wait, so do you go other places in Spain?

Do you ever been to Barcelona? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's beautiful, right? Do you know how to speak Spanish? Yeah. You speak Spanish? Uh-huh. Really?

Well, I mean, no, not fluently, but I can speak, like, I've studied Spanish for the last two years. Really? Yeah, with like a tutor and stuff. Oh, that's nice. So I just say, estoy aprendiendo espanol, necesito cada dia, necesito estudiar cada dia. Uh-huh.

And what had just happened? Was I insulting? I said, I'm learning Spanish, I need to study every day. Well, that's nice. And you did that just to communicate with people in your life now. No not really. Just because you wanted to learn Spanish? No I just wanted well yeah I mean in Spain I want to learn to know how to speak when I'm in Spain. I can get by in a bar or a restaurant. So you're planning on spending a lot of time that's that's the exit strategy huh? That's probably my exit strategy yeah. So what was Mexico City like? I'm scared to go there.

No, you shouldn't be. It's beautiful. Beautiful, culturally rich. They're about to build a huge airport down there. So that's going to change everything. And I, you know, with the whole Donald Trump thing and everything, it just makes me so irate that I want to like go and show. I wanted to just kind of highlight the great, beautiful things about Mexico.

And it gets such a bad rap. People, you know, I mean, obviously the cartels are very dangerous, but dangerous but Mexico City it's not in Mexico City there's not a lot of crime in Mexico City you know I wouldn't say walk around in the middle of the night by yourself but we were there for seven days you know and it was beautiful and it's they're beautiful people and I wanted to go apologize for our country kind of yeah did you go to the um well Oaxaca no that's great I've been in Oaxaca though it's pretty right yeah. I've been to Oaxaca, though. It's pretty, right? Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of beautiful places in Mexico.

Yeah, I went there once and I really liked it, but I do get scared about the cartel situation. Why don't you bring your cat with you when you go next time? That's very funny. Yeah, maybe I will bring my cat with me to protect me, Chelsea. Yeah, two pussies walking around in Mexico. Oh, boy, I'm being nice to you. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

You go ahead and enjoy your little sheltered life on your via. There's nothing sheltered about my life. Okay. I go everywhere. I just decided I like luxury. Sure. However you have to spin it for yourself. I don't have to spin anything.

Okay. I've been around the block and I decided I like the block I live on. Good. That seems very improvised. You've never said that before, have you? No, I've never said that. Oh, really? No, I swear to you, that just came flying right out of my mouth. I like it. Let's not fight. I'm not going to get defensive. I'm not fighting with you. No, I know you're not

because you just want to hurt me and have no resistance whatsoever. Why is this hammer sitting right there? For you to hit yourself in the fucking head with. But okay, wait, I want to know more about other places. I'm learning things. Where I've been to...

Japan, though, was great. Tokyo is amazing. Yeah, that's a beautiful city. Well, the infrastructure is crazy because all the freeways, or I guess that's the right term for them. All the big freeways, they're kind of built on top of each other. So you're basically like, it's like a video game.

Because you're 40 stories up in between all these skyscrapers on a highway. Really? In a car? Yeah, in a car. Holy shit. So they have like three levels of highways. And they all kind of intersect and cross over. And so you're going, and they have like a little bit, there's a bay there.

And you know, there's water, obviously. But they have a big port so you're like i mean you feel like you're driving in you know whatever yes you feel like the jetsons a little bit yeah yeah and everything's really organized there's no crime everything's clean their education rate is like 99 percent wow and they have like a three percent high school dropout rate I mean 99% literacy rate I should say it's like a shame driven ambition isn't it like if you if you drop out then you're supposed to just go away somewhere and kill yourself I think that's worse in China but yeah Tokyo is a pretty cool city did you go to China I've been to China but not for the show I went to China just with a bunch of friends went to Shanghai oh yeah I was in Beijing pretty heavy oh yeah yeah can't. Oh yeah. Pollution. Can't breathe. Yeah. Shanghai is fun though, right? It was fun. We were there

like on a stopover. We were going to like shark diving. We went scuba diving in French Polynesia, a big group of friends of mine. And I went to, and so it was kind of like on our way there. We're like, okay, where do we go? You went shark diving? Yeah. That was great. So when you say a big group of friends, is this sort of like you call the friends you grew up with and say guess what i chartered a plane we're going somewhere no i say guess what i chartered a boat we're going somewhere a boat yeah like a yacht yeah yeah like a sail yacht yeah yeah like in the middle of the nowhere and we all went scuba diving for we all got certified some were yeah and we went diving with sharks every day for like two hours great it was fucking fun i mean it's scary as shit.

And I don't get scared a lot. Yeah. Like I'm used to being fearful. And then I just like power through it. Right. Because I'm geared to understand that nerves are good. Yeah. Like I work well on nerves.

Yeah. But I was like almost hyperventilating under the water. Because it's fucking scary. Where's the footage of you hyperventilating? Where's that show? I don't have any because I had some shark. No, we don't have that. Were you in a a cage or no these are sharks that don't bother you you go down with master divers and they come on your boat every morning and then they take you out in group

there were 10 of us on the boat and nine of my friends had one diver with them and i had the other one because i was like shit i need somebody to fucking hold my hand. And it worked out. Yeah, the guy was like, you know, I mean, he really had to babysit me. Because you panic and you can't go right up when you're scuba diving because you have to equalize. So if you freak out. You could get the bends. Yes. So you got to sit there and like breathe in, breathe out.

Your mouth can get foggy. Your mouthpiece can come out. You know, breathing water. You got to really have your shit together and i'm not good with anything with you know buttons manual like adjusting so i just was like listen buddy you fucking keep your eyes on me yeah i can't be responsible for anything that happens to me under this water you fucking take care of me it's like a baby like an adult underwater babysitter do you keep in touch with that guy it sounds like you had a pretty deep relationship when he did save me i was like like, I'm going to fuck this guy.

He saved you? Yeah, he saved me because I was freaking out and I couldn't clear my mask. And I started getting a little so embarrassing. It's fucking horrible, man. I really lost my cool. And he came and he just shoved my eye mask right onto my face and was like, stop.

And I looked at him and I'm like, immediately when that happens, when you're a girl, you want to have sex with that person. You're like, oh my God, you're my doctor. And I looked at him and I'm like, immediately when that happens, when you're a girl, you want to have sex with that person. You're like, oh my God, you're my doctor.

You just saved my life. Thank you. So did you fuck him underwater? No, because once we got up and he took his mask off, I was like, oh fuck,

I'm not fucking that guy. Give him a few bucks? No, he was not cute at all. Did you take care of him so well? No, yeah, I gave him money,

of course. I gave everybody money. I mean, that's the only thing I have to offer is money. It's terrible. Did you tell him I was going thing I have to offer is money. Terrible. Did you tell him I was going to fuck you? No, he barely spoke English, so it was good.

Because he was gesticulating to me under the water, like, do you want to go up? Like, you're freaking out. And I just said, no, I want to stay because I wanted to just figure it out. I'm like, I can't pussy out. I'll never forgive myself. And so I said no. And so he was holding me, like, looking at me. me and i'm just like and you have this big mask over your face because so i couldn't really see what he looked like yeah and then we were basically

once i was able to calm down we were basically swimming underwater holding hands and my friends were looking at me like oh my god of course they're like oh she's gonna fuck this guy but i did not actually they didn't know what really happened, did they? Well, they all know what happened, of course. After the fact. But they didn't see you losing your shit? Yeah, they did. They kind of cleared out.

They're like, oh, no. Oh, no. Because out of all of my friends, nobody thought I would have an issue. Right. With, you know, you get certified. Yeah. You're the tough guy. Yeah, exactly.

And meanwhile, I'm a huge pussy. Huge pussy. But, no, I understand that ideology where you're just sort of, if you're afraid, you just fucking throw yourself in and get out. Yeah. Push through it. Right. It's the only way you learn.

It's the only way you can deliver the goods. Because when you back down, you feel awful. You have no idea. Yeah. You've ashamed yourself and then you just beat the shit out of yourself, which is not as interesting as kind of moving through it. Like, I remember when I first started doing standup and I would get really scared before I would go on. There were a couple times where I would just leave.

I'd be like, fuck it, this is an open mic, no one's gonna, I can leave and not do standup. Just between me and me. Yeah, I just didn't fucking do it. And I felt so gross when I didn't do it. Yeah, because you just gave up. Yeah, so. You pussed out. Yeah. And you're not a pussy you

have dogs right you're dog lady right big dogs yeah all right real women have dogs okay sure that's fine it's a quotable is that on a card of some kind no i just made that up too wow you're fucking genius like lightning so what okay tell me a couple more places where you went on the show we got russia we got russia i went to florida well for the show that's adventurous well it was actually i know it is like a different fucking country i know my mother lives there it's heavy where in uh hollywood oh god all florida is just like dicey right what happened they have such a nice climate i don't understand why they can't it's i think it's the last stop for a lot of people for one reason or another. It is, exactly.

Either they can't get out or that's the last stop. Yeah, and I'm from New Jersey, so I'm like, listen, I know about... Yeah, me too. Oh, right. Where are you from? Well, my family, my mother's from Pompton Lakes. My father's from Jersey City. I didn't spend a lot of time there, but Morris County. Morris County, exactly. I don't miss New Jersey ever. There's a lot of New there but you know morris county morris county exactly i don't i mean i don't miss new jersey and a lot of new jersey in florida that's exactly right that's what i was saying

that's why i brought it up a lot of new jersey is yes yeah they're all down there eventually it's interesting the way people migrate yeah especially jews they're just like good they never stop so they're just like florida that's where we're going that's the big payoff florida i know that's what you have to look forward to your whole life is getting there. Yeah. Moving to getting a condo. It's like a jumping off point, not an end point. Fucking Lauderdale.

Yeah. Fort Lauderdale. Well, with standup, you have to perform in all those. I won't go. There's more cities in Florida than I, like New Jersey. Like you just said, Pompton Lakes. I've never heard of that. Wayne.

You haven't heard of Wayne? Wayne, yeah, of course. It's right by there. But New Jersey is such a small state. There are so many cities I've never heard of in New Jersey. Everyone's gone. Everyone you meet is from New Jersey. Right.

I never meet anybody that's from, you know. Florida? Yeah, actually, I don't. I think I dated a guy from Florida. But like New Jersey, there are a lot of cities in Florida. And just when you think you've been to them all, another one pops up. Yeah. I don't perform down there.

I don't know what's down there. I don't understand it. Where do you like to perform? All the regular cities. I like to go, like my favorite Denver's good. That comedy club is good. I like going to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. I just went to Kansas City. Iowa City was good. I like

Minneapolis too. Lincoln, I went to Minneapolis. Minneapolis is great. Austin. Madison, Wisconsin is good. I like Minneapolis too. Lincoln, I went to Minneapolis. It's great. Austin. Austin, yeah. Madison, Wisconsin's good. Dallas, yeah, I did okay in Dallas. I remember I went to Madison once and I was like,

I called my friend who was from Wisconsin and I was like, I was looking at the room service menu and I called her and said, what the fuck is a cheese curd? She said, it's fried, like squares of balls of cheese. Yeah.

And then I ordered like three dozen. Of course. That place is so sick. Yeah. Who thought of that? People in Wisconsin. It's a lot of cheese there. What is that noise that you're making?

What are you doing? It's just my shoe on the chair. I'm sorry. You okay? Don't freak out. Keep your feet where I can see them. Okay, Chelsea. Whatever you want, Chelsea.

So, all right. So what about, are you producing television other than your show? No see them. Okay, Chelsea. Whatever you want, Chelsea. So, all right. So what about, are you producing television other than your show? No, no, no, no. I'm doing my show only. That's all I'm doing right now. Okay. I'm doing my show. Yeah.

Not producing other shows. And you're shooting it where? Here? Sony. Yeah. Yeah. Over, where's that at? In Culver City.

It's the best lot ever. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. It's like the Truman Show. People are picnicking. There's barbecuesues they have happy hour on thursday night so you can like they have like a whole city yeah it's a whole little city but it it's it's all completely fraudulent but it's very happy making yeah you're in a really good mood when you're on the lot yeah everybody is

and i'm so happy i get there at like 7 a.m they've got a big huge gym for everybody who works out there they've got like three cups there gym for everybody who works out there. They've got like three cats. There's a yogurt land. Yeah. I mean, people are happy my dogs run around without leashes. I probably shouldn't say that they're supposed to be on leashes. Yeah.

We'll scratch that. Yeah, yeah. Please edit that out. I don't want to get in trouble. That's the big problem. Yeah. That's what you're worried about? Yeah. The dogs?

Yeah. Okay. That's a new Chelsea. Do you ever walk your cats on a leash? Get the fuck out of here. I'm about done talking to you. No, my cats. You want to hear about heroism?

Do you want to hear about powerful animals? I got a cat that I can't touch living under my house. It's a black cat. It's wild. And it's deaf. Totally deaf. And that cat, Chelsea, is my hero. How does it live out here with coyotes and with all this other shit?

Because it's under the fucking house. No, it goes out. I see it sometimes. But it's been around for years. That's a powerful animal. Okay. And also, it doesn't- You know how fast cats are?

Yeah. The cats aren't going to get eaten by a coyote. They're faster than coyotes. You clearly have never owned a cat in Los Angeles. I've owned a coyote. Yeah, yeah. And what did it eat? Not a cat.

Why? A cat is so much faster than a coyote corner them there's packs of coyotes they got a whole game they play oh like in the wild like africa exactly dogs yeah so that's all i'm saying is that don't underestimate cats and some of us aren't so fucking needy that we have to have a animal that just wants to be touched and loved all right i can live with cats who just don't give a fuck about me most of the time, but kind of divvy up their affection. Divvy, is that what you call it?

I don't know what it is. I was going for another word. Right. Doll it out. Dole it out? Dole it out occasionally. Right. Well, good for you.

You should give yourself a pat on the back. I am because I'm- It's very masculine to have two cats, by the way, because it's- Is it one cat or you count the cat that's under the house, your cat as well? No, no. There's two in the house and there's one under the house. Oh, no. There's fucking three now?

Yeah. Three cats. That's right. In Highland Park. Yeah. All right. Well, good for you. Yeah.

Yeah. It is good for me. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. Things are fucking obviously working out great for you. They are working out. These are choices I make, Chelsea.

It sounds like your world's pretty large. And you're just one disaster away from a house falling into the goddamn ocean in another country. I don't have to worry about that. Why don't you laugh out loud so people know you have a heart? I can't. When I laugh really hard, it's silent. I'm trying to help your viewers my viewers no i was sorry no perception of what we're doing here do you yeah no i don't actually

i don't you threw me off when you got when you're so impassioned about cats it really just got my i was starting to think of all the different men in my life none of them had cats no no not one but i hooked up with this i had this guy guy. This is going to hurt me somehow. Yeah. No. Okay. There was this guy in New York that I had hooked up with. We went out to dinner another night afterward, and I went back to his apartment.

Yeah. And he had a mid-sized poodle, like not one of those full poodles. It was like a little, I think they're called a micro poodle or something. Yeah. Anyway, the cat, I had already had sex with this guy, so I was planning on having sex with him again. But the dog had his paws on his shoulder, this guy's shoulder, like they had some weird affectionate thing going on. And at one point I looked over and the man had his eyes closed at the same time as the dog's eyes were closed. And that was a deal breaker.

And I just thought, I can't fuck this guy. See, I would so much rather be a cat guy than a fucking poodle guy. It's like a dude with a chihuahua or a smaller dog. No, no, no, no. That's not acceptable at all. No, no, you're right about that. Listen, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying anything, actually.

You're just super defensive about it. Really? I mean mean i did call you a pussy a couple times yeah but that would have happened whether you had a cat or not i know it's just sort of the way you greet people you know it's nice it's warm it felt good to hear that from you i understand i understand so what so what happened so now you're just in it for how long? The show. For three years. 90 episodes a year. Three years. Holy shit. Yeah, I've got nine under my belt.

I've got 81 left to go. Heavily employed. No, nine, yeah. So yeah, heavily employed. Yeah. And you're not doing anything else. Well, we'll see. Once I get, you know,

once I got my wheels under me, who knows, I'll do stuff. But, you know, I'm really into doing something special here. I want to something sounds like you are and it sounds like you're doing something different for you and it sounds like you're becoming a better person which I think is a journey that you should really kind of like focus on focus on on the show like like for all those people that may not like you maybe they don't know the real Chelsea this is your opportunity to say hey you know fuck you I fuck you. I'm opening my

mind and my heart to the world. Thank you. Yeah. Are you doing that though? Yeah, of course I'm doing that. But I don't do that to make people like you. You can't try to make people like you. I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying that like why not bring them into your, you know, my vortex? Your new vulnerability. Is that what it is? I don't know. I mean,

maybe you should focus on that a little bit. Maybe you should focus on my vulnerability. I'm to but i cannot fucking find it you can't focus well maybe you should take your glasses off and take a better look okay oh yeah yeah there it is it's all blurry and ill-defined that's what your vulnerability is it's very hard to see that's exactly right copy that over and out. Well, I love seeing you. It's nice to talk to you. Are we good? Do you feel confident with what we did here?

Not particularly. What do you want to cover? Nothing. I don't care about covering anything. Why are you like that? Well, I mean, what do you mean? Are you happy? Are you happy?

Sometimes. What are you? Last time I talked to to you you said this was a couple of years ago right maybe four years ago i don't know i'm really bad with time frames yeah but you said you were chronically unhappy would i use those words no i'm paraphrasing no but you were you definitely said i you seem like you said to me you seem like you have a really happy life like you're really into your life and you said you drew the comparison that you aren't always into your life. I'm better. No, I am happier.

Are you medicated? No. You? No. Seriously? No, I mean, I drink. I don't take medication. Are you drinking now?

Like today? Yeah. No. Okay. So, no, I'm not medicated, and I think that because of the success of things and that my life is like a lot of things kind of worked out, I'm not medicated and I think that because of the success of like things and that like my life is like a lot of things kind of worked

out I'm a little happier well that's good I don't really know what to do with it well like what would you want it like if you well that's where I'm at like what am I gonna do it sort of sounds like where you were at when you quit your show like you have these opportunities to sort of do things that are fun and and and do them creatively like I'm just I'm sort

of thinking about that stuff. Like I'm like really close to buying a house in Mallorca. Oh, really? I know of one that's for sale. Really? Well, for your budget, yeah. It's on the other side of the island. Is it a houseboat?

What do you think would make you, I could see you living on a houseboat, by the way. They have houseboats in Copenhagen. Have you been to Copenhagen, by the way? Oh, you went to Copenhagen? That's a good place for you. Yeah, I went there. Oh, I kind of like the idea of it.

I want to go to Scandinavia in general. Yeah, Copenhagen, Amsterdam I recently went. Uh-huh. Both fun. Yeah? Biking, you can bike. Can you ride a bicycle? Yes, I can.

Really? What do you think I am? I'm athletic. Just because I have cats, I can't ride a bike. I can ride a bike. I can fuck pretty well. I do things that men do. So do you think that you would be happier if you found somebody to share your life with?

Like a woman? I'm dating somebody and it's good. That's good. But no, I think it's- Is she a comedian? No, painter. But I think- Painter?

Mm-hmm. Artist. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, no, she does houses. Like a house painter. Were you thinking like, how much does it cost? I have some work I need to do.

No, no. I was just wondering if she knew the guy who paints my house. No. His name is Oscar. I'll ask her. Okay. But she does, she's an abstract painter. Oh, that's nice.

She's very good. That sounds perfect for you, right? I'm doing all right, yeah. But I still want to know what I would like to do for fun. Well, what do you do for fun? I play guitar, which I like. I go to theater lately. I've been seeing some theater in New York, which I like. I go to theater lately. I've been seeing some theater in New York, like some plays.

Like what? Hamilton? I did go see that, but I saw The Humans. Oh, how was that? Good. And I saw The Flick and I saw John. Because I interviewed Annie Baker and Stephen Karam. Wow.

And I did get to go see Hamilton, which I like. I don't fully admit that I like musicals, but I always cry. You do. Yeah, even if it's not sad. I'm just overwhelmed with how much action is going on and people singing. So are you, I know it's a lot.

Right. Can you believe those fucking people do that every day? It's crazy. It's incredible. Every day. I don't understand how people campaign like this, like watching this election. I'm like, how did they get up every day and fucking do that?

I know, like are they on some sort of special medical supervision? Like Hillary Clinton, how she doesn't fucking go off on people? I don't know. And lose her cool? Or just get exhausted and sick and have a- Bernie Sanders is like 74. He's not- I know.

How can he show up every day? Well, you do it. Well, yeah, but I'm on a show. That's nothing. I can be an asshole. They can't be assholes. Right. They have to try and get people to vote for them.

Right. I know. Well, maybe they believe. So, like, I think when you're driven by that, when you have that window of opportunity to fucking do it, you do it. But, yeah, he's got to be tired. He must be exhausted. Yeah, I'm figuring out things to do.

I think I want to travel a little bit. I'm thinking about actually, like, maybe finding a place to live other than here for the exit strategy. But I don't know what I'd do. What, are you going to just sit? How are you sitting? Well, no, but places are so cool. Like Iowa, I'm great because I drink, so I can sit anywhere and read a book.

I like to read and drink. What was the ayahuasca thing like? That was great. It was? Have you ever done ayahuasca? No, no. You should do it. I've been sober a long time.

I know, but you know, people do it, sober people do it all the time. It's not like a drug. All the time. They do it all the time. It's not like a drug. They do it weekly. But no, no, no. I've heard it. And a lot of people become sober after they do ayahuasca.

I know. I heard it's a real. Those people are also pussies. A brain cleaner. I got my hours in. I got my drug and drinking hours in. So what do you like to do? Like Copenhagen seems to me or Amsterdam seems like a place you would like to hang out.

To be honest with you, I like to hang out, listen to music, think, eat some things, dick around with this or that around the house. I don't have any big. But I would like to hang out, listen to music, think, eat some things, dick around with this or that around the house. I don't have any big, but I would like to travel. And that sounds really exciting to me to watch your show because I want to do that. The only thing that stops me from traveling is the actual travel. I like when I get to a place. You don't like that plane ride? I don't mind the plane ride, but there's a lot of dread in the organization of it.

Planning, like, what are we going to do? What side of the street do you drive on there do i need you know and it's just stupid neurotic shit yeah you're neurotic so i'm not neurotic so i just can plop off anywhere and i don't care but i also pay people to do everything for me so i don't really do anything myself would you pay people to do things for me yeah okay yeah i have enough people that yeah there's a lot of people over to stuff for me Have the plane pick me up? I would be happy to. I share all of my people with everybody I know. Really?

Yeah, of course. My friends use my assistance. Everybody does. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm not selfish, ever. I don't think you are. I would never be selfish. I think that's the one thing that is counterintuitive.

That's the one thing that makes you charming and endearing is that you seem to treat people very nicely if you didn't do that you'd be a fucking monster i know you do know that right well i have a bad you know people think i'm much worse than i am i know i was very impressed at your house when i saw the way you treated the people that work for you and i think you had some drifter living there or something there There's always somebody living at my house. Fucking loser. Here, brother, cousin. It's like, what? Okay, so I'll work on that.

I'll work on having a group. So you're going to get a houseboat in Copenhagen. That's the plan that we left off on. I'll arrange it with somebody that works in my office. Very good. They'll be in contact with you. Thank you, Chelsea. And then, you know.

And then you'll shoot. I'll be on your show. I'll be the guy in the houseboat. I'll be on the show. Sure, yeah. You should come on the show. Yeah, no, I'll come on. All right, cool. I'll be on your show. I'll be the guy in the houseboat. Oh, we'll have you come on the show. Sure. Yeah, you should come on the show. Yeah, no, I'll come on. All right, cool.

That'll be fun. And we can do this only more heightened and you'll be meaner to me. Okay. We'll have you come on. That would be fun. I'd like you to come on. All right. Deal.

Are you passionate about the election? No, I don't talk politics too much. What do you talk about? Whatever else you want. All right. All right. It's a deal. Thanks for coming by.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, let's all relax now. Go to WTFpod.com for all your WTF pod needs. Enjoy yourself. All right. Have a good weekend. Don't get sunstroke or drown or die any other way if you can avoid it okay all right no guitar today

giving it a rest takes a lot out of me all right boomer lives Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means.

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