WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 724 - Amber Tozer

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Amber Tozer is a comedian who wants out. She tells Marc about her move away from standup after years of sobriety, a semi-successful bootleg mattress hustle, attempted lesbianism, and a quest for the guidance of Tony Robbins. And upon the release of her memoir, Amber reminds Marc of an incident he was involved in that is buried deep within his subconscious. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means.

I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. All right, let's do this. How are you, what the fuckers? What the fuck buddies? What the fucksters? What the fuckadelics? What the fuckaholics? What is happening?

I'm Mark Maron. This is my podcast, WTF Welcome. Welcome to the show. Thank you for listening. Who's on? Who's on the show today? Today, Amber Tozer, the comedian and author. She's going to talk about her new memoir, Sober Stick Figure.

I like her. I haven't seen her in a while. That'll be fun. What else? It's Thursday, if you're listening to this, when it drops. Last night was the final two episodes of my television show, Marin on IFC. For all of you who are watching, thank you for watching. For those of you who haven't seen it, i think the first three seasons are available on netflix this one will be on netflix in december that is the end of the series thank you for uh for being with me and thank you for supporting my decision to stop it to end it it's interesting though there was a little bit of a little bit of drama on the twitter

monday i thought everything was great. I was feeling a little postpartum depression, a little sadness from knowing that I wouldn't be working with all those people that I've worked with, many of them for four years. And I was feeling a little sad and some shit went down on Twitter that just drove me out of my fucking mind because it was just my fucking mind because it was just irresponsible garbage yeah i mean i want to talk about it but let me let me just clear some stuff up first for you know real information um real information this is true information i'm gonna be touring a bit you guys know that i'll be in salt lake city tonight tomorrow and saturday at wise guys in salt lake City there downtown. I'll be at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington on the 28th, 29th, and 30th of July. And my stand-up live show in Phoenix has been moved to one night. I knew this

would happen. I'm not upset about it. I don't see it as some sort of bad indication. I've never had much of a draw in Phoenix, and it's fine. So we're moving all those shows to the Saturday. So there's going to be two shows on the Saturday at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, and that would be the 20th of August. So if you have tickets for the Thursday or the Friday, I hope you can move them to Saturday. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'm sorry if this means you can't see the show,

but that place is fucking huge and this is just the way it has to be. It's fine with me. I'm not hurt. I'm not offended. There will be more dates forthcoming. I'm going to be in Albuquerque, my hometown, on the 3rd for the benefit for the Endorphin Power Company. I'll be in Rochester at the Comedy Club on the 9th and 10th of September. So that's that information. What other information do you need? I got some interesting feedback from Spokane people. Some people were very excited that I said such nice things about their hometown or the town that they live in, one person.

There's just two sides to everything. You know what I mean? There's two sides to loving something, it seems, for me, or to having a good time at a place. You know what I mean? Do you? I'll explain it to you. The reason I got upset is that, look,

it's a hard decision to make to stop something that is going fine, that is going well, that is going great. When you probably have the opportunity to continue, even though you know that that's not going to be as great necessarily or that something's done. It's a hard decision to make. I stopped doing my show because it was done. Then some person, I'm not going to be hostile because this is just an indicator of a bigger issue. Some reporter, I guess, just tweeted out, and this was from a reputable source that's supposed to be the industry paper. The industry paper, my industry show business. Yeah, there's only a couple of trades.

And it's like you would think, but this is the time we live in that a trade magazine, which is specific to a trade and not necessarily trying to start shit, though everything seems to be owned by large tech companies, content mills that just are, they're almost like semi-intelligent sweatshops for young people. They can just kind of plink away at the keys and generate 10 or 15 half stories a day based on no facts or nothing, speculation or secondary stories from other content mills that are gossip related or not sourced as well but you would expect more from an industry trade a little fucking research that was one click away for a story and business insider that did a good job with it of me deciding the

show was over it had ifc's's president, Jen Caserta's response. They were fine with it and they were happy that we'd had the time we'd had together. And then another paper just issues a story that the show got canceled

based on nothing, nothing. They just decided that was the word. Tweeted that out the article, tweeted the link and put that headline out into the world. Marin gets canceled. Now, the reason that that out the article tweeted the link and put that headline out into the world marin gets canceled now the reason that that's such a big deal is because that implies something and i know this isn't in the big world of things the most important thing in the world and that obviously there's bigger problems in the world it's my life and it was misreported. It's not killings.

It's not shootings. It's not the end of the world stuff. But it has relevance to my life and it's misreported. And it means a lot to me that this was on my terms and not just a corporate entity making a decision despite whatever I would want. It's this lazy content mill garbage that diminishes the integrity of almost any information. What do you got to do to get real information that's actually reported?

Now, this is not a new problem. Obviously, this was me. And obviously, after I threw a shit fit on twitter it was changed an apology was executed um on the phone to my manager by the reporter fine but the fucking fucked up thing was is a couple of other reporters from the same outlet defended the reporter and said that i was being i was overreacting why didn't i handle it through email why didn't i do this or that it was a public misreporting. So I will handle it publicly. And then one of them, now this is a person, I'm not going to mention names. I'm not going to mention the name of the paper, not even the paper, the fucking website. But another reporter said,

what's the difference? Whether Marin stopped the show or was canceled, either way it's canceled. If they don't know that nuance and they don't know what it implies and they're working for an industry trade paper where that has a very specific meaning and also publicly saying that in a public forum, how the fuck does that person have a job if he honestly doesn't know the difference? Anyway, it's the end of information as we know it you know you better hope you got your feet on the ground your head in the game and know who you are and what your life looks like in your immediate surroundings and where you stand with shit because uh the truth is uh always shifting here's your garbage slash content i hope you just react to the headline and react to the bullshit. Come on over.

Click on the portal. There you go. There's your garbage slash content. Oh, did you catch this over here? That's some paid presence trying to deliver some goods into your fucking desire system. So you go out and do a little business. And just by virtue of you looking at the garbage, you know, we kind of squeeze that other shit into your fucking sad, vulnerable brain.

And we've done our job. You are a click that we can report and perhaps we can coattail some more crap into your life through the content garbage that you are interested in or respond to. Okay, all right. Or respond to. Okay. Alright. I'm about over it.

Common complaint. But. Good luck finding the truth out there. They just want to keep you in a frenetic state. Of anxiety. Fear. Desperation. And need for something salacious or yummy.

Just stay online, man. Just stay online, right? So back to Spokane. As I said, I can't say enough about it, I guess. But no, I don't. There's a couple of things that happened. Okay. Okay, here.

I got two emails after I said such nice things about um about spokane i got this email subject line thanks for nothing quote he's quoting me i don't want to let the cat out of the bag but if you're looking to get out of wherever the fuck you are i'm thinking of spokane unquote he said that's me and he didn't want the word fuck. He put F asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. And this is the bulk of the email. Great, buddy. 25,000 plus people moved to Spokane in 2015. In a relatively small urban area, proportionally, that's a lot.

It's changing fast. And the usual metrics of quality of life, lack of congestion, affordability are disappearing fast. Because of what you described, people are on the move to a place that simply must be better than where they currently reside. It kind of sucks because, you know, when everywhere else was so happening and no one in their right mind would move here, many of us more gritty types carved out lives for ourselves. Now that Spokane is establishing better restaurants, more shopping, more of the more that urbanites need to be content, well then the friction and hurdles to the notion of living here are removed. Here's hoping we get buried under seven feet of snow like we did in

08 and 09. And I wrote back, sorry I liked your city, John. Now this email I enjoyed. And I understand what he's saying. But you know, big country. Big country. Subject line, the seagulls from dicks. Hey, Mark, I listen to your podcast all the time and love the honesty and emotion you bring out in people and the vulnerability you're willing to show yourself.

So thanks for that. I'm originally from the Spokane area. Coeur d'Alene. It's in Idaho, I believe, right? But live in Germany now. Listening to you talk about dicks brought back nice memories from home and really made my day. Growing up, I actually believed

that all seagulls came from dicks. On my first trip to the Oregon coast, I saw all the seagulls on the beach and exclaimed, look, it's the seagulls from dicks. I honestly thought that the seagulls on the beach and exclaimed look it's the seagulls from dicks i honestly thought that the seagulls had just migrated over anyway thanks for the little reminder of home best ashley that's a funny one i didn't tell you about the casual casual racism i encountered in uh spokane it's hard to hard to know what to do in those moments you know you want to say something,

but then you're like, oh, they're old. It's usually old people, older people. Well, all right. Well, what happened was apparently there's a small community of retired men who drive for the hotel. They like to drive. Maybe they need a few bucks. Maybe they just want to get out and do something and talk to people. I'm fine with that. It's a nice way to talk to strangers if the stranger is willing to talk to you, and it gives you something to do. One of the dudes who was driving me one day, I told him I'd gone to White's to get boots, and I liked that they were made here and made in America.

So then he did that line like, yeah, a lot of stuff used to be made here back in the day. A lot of manufacturing. I'm like, oh, here we go. used to be made here back in the day. A lot of manufacturing. I'm like, oh, here we go. Yeah, I know that. I know that story. It's a sad story. I wish I knew.

I wish I knew how to bring the manufacturing base back to the States. I don't know the answer to that, but I know the conversation. And I just started talking about how, yeah, now people have been taught that, yeah, everything's disposable. It's pretty good for the economy, I guess, if people just buy shit. And if it's fucked up, they can just throw it away as opposed to return it or expect any quality whatsoever. And then he said, you know, I do gardening. And I'm like, all right.

And then he said, I used to get these sprinkler heads from the hardware store. And they used to be made in America. Not anymore. Made in China. Not as good. And I don't really know what that meant. I don't know what kind of racial dynamic, you know, he sees when he turns his sprinklers on. That, you know, is there sort of active like these Chinese sprinkler heads?

Look at them. Not look at my grass is not happy. But it was the beginning of something I started to see as a narrative. Not a narrative I had not heard yet. So we started talking about other things manufactured elsewhere. And, you know, he said, like my phone. I got this cell phone.

I'm not going to change it. You know, you get these new phones, they break because they're all chin-chang-choo-chang. Like you buy one, it's chin-chang-choo-chang, broken. You know, I talk to these people, they buy these bigger phones, they break chin-chang-choo-chang. Now, you know, I to these people they buy these bigger phones they break now that you know i knew what he was saying was obviously racially insensitive and probably racist and when i said well what phone do you use i mean this old phone that you refuse to

to to not part with and he said uh samsung six years old yeah samsung so i had that moment where like how do i get this message through like there was part of me that wanted to take the higher ground and almost be condescending and say to him uh well you know that is um chin chung choo chung as well but i did not do that i didn't and what was I supposed to do in that situation? I guess I could have said, you know, it's racially insensitive to, to,

to, to do that character. I could have said, you know what? That's, it's not right to say that. Why don't, why don't you say it one more time and call it the last time.

And you say it with me, say it with passion. And then we move on past it. And, and you don't say that anymore because it's, it's a little racist. That would not have worked. What was he going to do?

Just go, Chin-cha-choo-chong. Oh, you're right, you're right. Thank you. Thank you for educating me and making me a better person. I didn't say that either. I just switched topics. And I'm ashamed of that. I should have said something.

I apologize. But right now, let's talk to Amber Tozer, who I like, who I hadn't seen in a while. And I'd forgotten something about our history that was sort of interesting. She has a new book out called Sober Stick Figure, a memoir. It's now available wherever you get books. This is me and Amber. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing.

With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by

the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan

Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m in rock city at torontorock.com tozer amber tozer i have not seen you in what? Like fucking years, I think. Probably.

No, like years. Eight years? Seven years? What the fuck is that about? Why have I not seen you? Where did I even, like what? Is there a problem between me and you? I don't know.

You tell me. I don't think so. No. I mean, I come. No, I don't think there is. I'm trying to remember where I met you. I think for some reason Jeff Singer is involved. Is that possible?

We met years ago in New York. But we didn't really know each other. I used to hang out at Luna Lounge before we started doing comedy. I was there every single Monday. Just hanging around? Yeah, just getting drunk and just watching comedy. But you lived in New York City? Yeah.

And you'd moved there to do what? Well, I think I moved there to be a comedic actress, but I didn't want to admit it. Right. But I started working in dot-coms because it was 1999 and there were tons of jobs. So I got all these office jobs, these PR and marketing gigs. So I just sort of got sucked into day jobs and then I started going to comedy shows and I became obsessed with stand-up

yeah because I remember you being around yeah and you were just like uh you're like I work in PR at so-and-so.com and I'm just hanging around being drunk right yeah that was me no and i i remember seeing you at luna lounge and there was this one night where you had a really good set but i don't think i watched it i was at the bar getting drunk it wasn't like i was in there watching you but you know how they had tvs yeah by the bar and you you you destroyed and um people were going and you came out of the the performance space back to where the bar was and you grabbed my face and you kissed my forehead you were so happy that you like you just had a great time on stage and you grabbed my face and you just kissed my forehead sort of like a friendly dad did i know you no no now you were a stranger i just was right there when you walked out of the room

and you were just like you were so happy wow did you do calm you weren't doing comedy then yet no like i meet a lot of people over a lot of years in a lot of different places i'm trying to hang out when i when i moved to la when i first got sober i reached out to you oh yeah and i was helpful right right? Sort of. Come on. What do you mean? What did I say? We made out in your car.

Oh. Do you not remember? I do. I was driving over here and I was like, I don't know if I'm going to talk about it. But you're all about honesty. So I'm going to. I do. I remember.

We went to a couple meetings and you were very helpful but you i i don't know if you were just going through your divorce right or separated you were like you were pretty out there you were pretty wrecked i was like oh i'm not getting i'm not getting involved no way not with that mess but then you kept then it was cool we were like all right i was like we got pink berry we went to a meeting we got pink berry and then we were talking in your car and you're like oh you just said you were being really nice to me and then we kissed and i was like i didn't think it wasn't i was just like i don't know if this is a good idea and you were newly

sober yeah what a monster yeah yeah what predator. What a fucking horrible man. Didn't even wrestle with himself. I must have had some inner conflict about it. Making out with a newcomer. Ugh. I must have been really in a bad place. You were in a horrible place. Thank God.

But then we were cool, and then you kept texting me saying you wanted me to come over because you were... What? Because why? Go ahead. Because you made a pie. I did. I probably made a pie, blueberry pie.

I've made some pies. And then- I remember this period. Really? Do you remember us making out in the car? I do now. Did you remember before I got here? No, you had to refresh my memory.

Oh, okay. I know, I was like, I bet you he doesn't even remember, but. I remember you were being really cute and you were funny. And that was not the first time I met you, right? No, we had known each other for a while. For a while. And you were sober and you were like being all cute and excited. But I'm sorry that I took advantage of that.

And I'm glad we didn't fuck or anything. Yeah. I that like at least like did i stop the making out please tell me i was like we shouldn't do this yes mark you you did you said you said you stopped you know no what happened no we just kissed it was like oh so it wasn't a massive make out no it was really it was it was a short kiss. We tried kissing. It didn't work out. And we just moved on. Yeah. All right.

That's different. Not a great idea for either of us. And we moved past it. Yeah. And then I tried to lure you to my house for pie. I make pie a lot. I like cooking. It makes me feel better.

Yeah. It's probably a blueberry pie or maybe an apple. Probably blueberry. I feel like there was a couple different nights that you texted and different things were on the menu. Every time you texted me. God forbid at that point I ask a woman on a date. Yeah, that was 2007, 2008, Mark. Pie was nice, though.

I thought that was a killer no i know if and did you think it was weird at the time or do you just sort of like uh i didn't think it was weird but i'm surprised that i didn't maybe if you would have because i did go through sort of a acting out sexually phase missed it huh you missed it i must have just been right after that right after i tried maybe right before maybe you planted some seed i'm being like maybe how how long did that go on for not long because i can't what kind of numbers are we talking not a lot i can't i tried it maybe three oh wow you're on a tear I'm sort of a prude. Thank God.

Yeah. Well, I just I can't have sex with somebody that I don't like. But I can't talk to. Right. You know. Right. It's the. Yeah.

I can't do it. Uh huh. I understand. Yeah. But but you usually you're sexually attracted to them yeah yeah yeah right once it's on it's on but it takes it takes a bit so i have your book here now that we've re-established uh my horrible behavior with you glad that's out of the way well it's just it sounds like it was just a kiss and a couple of pie pitches maybe a pie pitch and some other thing.

Some other easily eating. Not too complicated. Not even a dinner. I just have dessert ready. Yeah, it was all dessert. Come on. I was like, come on. Make some chicken parmesan or something.

Yeah. Oh, really? Is that the thing? That would have done it? Yeah. I don't think I've ever made chicken parmesan. I love chicken parmesan. You do?

Yeah. But that's a lot of fried and then cheese and then sauce. Well, you got to work for it. I could make bucatini llama trichana, which is better. What is that? That's like a pasta with a spicy red sauce and with like a, almost like a bacon in it. Maybe. Well, I'm not offering now.

I'm just saying that would have been. Text me later. Now you're going to get me in trouble. But I am making a now. I'm just saying that would have been. Well, text me later. Now you're going to get me in trouble. But I am making a pie. I got a pie. I got a pie in the oven right now. But Sober Stick Figure is the book I was sent. And it's in hardback.

And it's right in front of me. Yeah. It's a memoir. Yeah. It's about your fucked up drunk life. Yeah. Yeah. How long have you fucked up drunk life. Yeah. Yeah. How long have you been sober now?

Eight years. And how's it going? It's going great. Yeah? But it hasn't always been great. Right. Yeah. Well, the first five are rough, man.

It is rough. But it's, I don't know. I think I get enough good stuff out of it even when it's bad that i keep going and i'm sort of curious what's gonna happen when i stay sober well yeah but well eventually it just becomes like i'm not gonna fucking lose that count oh yeah a pride thing yeah that kept me sober for years when i'd see people drink, I'd be like, nope, not giving up the day count, man. Can't do it. I'm in. How many years do you have now? 16.

17 in August. Double me. Yeah, double digits now. Doesn't matter. All I have is today, Amber. And every day is a miracle. Every day is a miracle. Not great miracles some days. No. Not the kind of miracle it's hard to call them miracles, but yeah, I'll go with the framing.

Sure. Today was a miracle. I took a miracle nap. Let's go back. Are you still doing standup? Sometimes. Not really. What happened?

I just, I don't want to do it anymore. And I finally am okay with it. Wow. Yeah. Tell me about that. Well, I don't know why I did it in the first place. I think I was just drunk all the time and was like, somebody better give me a microphone. I'm hilarious.

And then when I got sober, I couldn't believe that I had been doing stand-up for so long. It was one of the things like, why am I doing this? But I felt like I should keep doing it because I was okay at it. It's a pride thing. Yeah. And I was like, I can't quit just because I'm sober now. I got to be able to, you know. You got in it.

You were doing okay. Because I remember you were, you know, working. You were doing mics and stuff. Did you do any TV? I did Last Comic Standing. Oh, really? How far did you make it? I made it past the first round.

I think it was 2007, but it aired in 2008, and it was a horrifying experience. Why? I hated it. Oh, you weren't barely sober. No, I wasn't yet. Oh, so you were hitting your bottom? I was drinking. I was drunk on TV, but I was so functional.

I could drink four or five drinks and just talk normal because just have enough confidence to talk like a normal person. So I was pretty buzzed on TV, but I just was so nervous in that whole setup where you have like three minutes and ugh ugh it went okay yeah um

but the only I think the only reason why they had me on the show is because I knew one of the executive producers and at the time I was selling mattresses on Craigslist

yeah for a job and they thought it was hilarious so the cameras came to my house and they filmed me

delivering a mattress like I used to I used to strap them on top of my car and they filmed me delivering a mattress like I used to. I used to strap them on top of my car and drive them around. You sold mattresses on Craigslist? Yeah, it was like my last two years of drinking. I started this sort of shady mattress business. Out of all the things in the world that you could do in a shady way, why pick the most cumbersome, difficult fucking racket? Because it all started out of a resentment i was i was working part-time at the thrift store and the owner was this insane guy and he taught me

the whole mattress business basically you buy from a wholesaler post an ad on craigslist jack up the price and if you deliver there's no overhead so i learned this whole business from him i quit he starts stalking me and is saying are you selling mattresses on craigslist are you selling my idea i was like no martin i'm done with the mattresses but was he selling mattresses yeah it was his idea he taught me everything right so he taught me the whole world of craigslist mattress selling so when i quit he thought that i was doing it behind his back and he kept calling me and threatening me and and i wasn't i was done i was like i'm done with the mattresses martin but he refused he just kept bothering me i was like how many mattresses did you sell well i i

after i told i was like i'm gonna do this because he thinks I'm doing it. Fuck you, Martin. I am going to sell mattresses. So for the next two years, I sold and delivered 600 mattresses with my lesbian neighbor. And what kind of car? Well, after doing a lot of research, we discovered that San Francisco is the best market because people need them delivered. And L.A., there was a lot of competition. So we would so you were you were in this this was oh it's your life business man it was a whole thing we had spreadsheets and and and there was nothing illegal about it no i think you have to have a reseller's license to

sell furniture so it was sort of illegal like were you getting shitty mattresses? No. That's one thing that kept me okay with it. They weren't shitty. They weren't fantastic. I bought one and slept on one. Did you say that in your pitch? Yes. Of course. Yeah. But we would sell over the phone and we'd close a deal

over the phone and be like, we'll just take it to your house. We don't have a store. The reason why these are so cheap is because we had this whole thing. I said we'll just take it to your house so we don't have a store yeah the reason why these are so cheap is because we had this whole thing i said we'll bring it to your apartment if you don't like it you don't have to buy it cheap is we don't have a store yeah we don't have overhead yeah so we'll just bring it to your house these were sealed and clean yeah yeah yeah they were good where'd you pick them up how'd you get frank jr some um some guy named Frank Jr. Yeah, never met Frank Sr.? No, no, I would have loved to have met Frank Sr. So, was it what, Frank Jr., you got him at a place?

Yeah, we got him at a place in LA, and we pre-sold on the phone, packed up a 24-foot truck, and drove to San Francisco every other weekend, and delivered mattresses all weekend, and then I would do a spot at the Punchline on Sunday nights. Yeah. But you weren't living in San Francisco. You were living here. We lived here,

but San Francisco is the best money making for mattresses. So you're driving up hills? Oh, yeah. In a 24-foot budget truck. It was insane. Did you make a lot of money? Yeah, it was good.

It was good money we would probably make uh 1200 bucks each 12 to 1500 bucks each in three days it's all right yeah it's a lot of work it's a lot of work for and then we would do it twice a month but i was young for to me that was that was good money that you know I was like young and drunk being like twelve hundred bucks cash yeah all we gotta do

is get these mattresses take orders put them in a truck I know and drive five hours up to five and drop them off at places

in a hilly residential area this is perfect that's when I got sober oh the mattress racket of all things you're just like well you locked in you're like i'm gonna do this and i'm gonna do it great it was so hilarious at first i was like i cannot believe we figured this out and it's working but then after about a year it was depressing it was so depressed it was my last year of drinking too and i was like we have to do this and she's just so funny that's

the racket you think you're winning with i know we've really got this figured out we just got to go down to frank jr's with the truck it's so crazy most people are like i don't have to do anything i just like where does this batch of socks and I mark them up. And I did. It's like very, like the thing that you like had it made with all of that fucking work is hilarious. Oh, we've really nailed it. So easy.

But I think I just, the fact, it was so hilarious to me. I knew how ridiculous it was. Right. The stories kept me going, though, because, and my friend who, my friend Leslie, who I delivered these mattresses with, she's in the book a lot. It was so, it was really fun. It was a fun adventure. And you were, were you doing material about mattresses?

Yeah, I was telling stories about it, but I was really disorganized and sort of half-assing comedy and really exhausted from delivering mattresses, so I couldn't really focus on comedy. So this producer that you knew at Last Comic Standing thought it was funny

that you were selling mattresses out of your house. You're like, this is a great hook. This is a unique character for our standup personalities. Yeah. She's like on the phone selling all sizes or? Yes. All sizes, double pillow tops, full size, queen size, king size, queen double pillow tops are our bestseller.

Sure. That's the right size without you needing another room or. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't have no california kings or nothing we did no we did and you guys were moving california kings in san in san francisco so six-story apartments just the two of you yeah just the two of us and sometimes guys were very nice and helpful and other times they had to just watch us to see if we could do it

good guys they're as good as i was making out with the newly sober person let's just see if these these poor girls can get a double super king up the bed california king those things are huge so so okay so you're doing that and last comic standing you didn't you didn't win you didn't lose too quickly you didn't like quickly, you didn't like it, and you got sober after it. Yeah. What about this decision, though? Because you did comedy for, like, how long? A long time.

I think I started in 2001. And, I mean, I did a show six months ago. So you're still kind of in. Still sort of. after i got the book deal i was like i'm just gonna write this book right and it was nice to take a break and to be okay with it i think the struggle is like being okay with it you know just no absolutely admitting it's sort of like a long breakup right and i love stand-up, but I pay attention to my friends who have been doing it for a long time. And they still get it.

They still want to get up. And they're doing it. And I don't have that type of drive. And I'm like, am I lazy? For stand-up. For stand-up. May you go back to the mattresses. Yeah, something.

But I really enjoy writing, and I like the solitude of it. Yeah? Yeah. So it's good to have that clarity. Yeah. And I'm sort of scattered. So if I'm doing too much at once, I sort of begin, I half-ass everything. Yeah.

So I want to be able to just. Yeah. And also if you want to do readings or work stories, you know, as a writer, you know, Sid Eris always, he does, he writes on stage. Yeah. You know, as a writer, you know, Sedaris always he does he he writes on stage. Yeah, he'll he'll write a piece and then he'll go do it on stage and mark where the laughs are. Yeah. Yeah, that could be fun. Sure.

It's a pretty effective way to write to get that kind of laugh to know that you can make a room full of people laugh with a thing from your story. That's beautiful. Smart. It always struck me as smart that he did that that way. So where'd you grow up? Pueblo, Colorado. Oh, that's right. Pue struck me as smart that he did that that way. So where'd you grow up? Pueblo, Colorado. Oh, that's right. Pueblo.

Pueblo. I kind of half know it because I grew up in New Mexico. Oh, right. So I remember going through Pueblo to go somewhere. Probably Denver. Is it? Because would I have to go there to get to any of the ski areas if I was coming up I-25? Yeah.

Well, that was the only way out of New Mexico up to Colorado was 25. I-25. Yeah. Were you Albuquerque? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It all feels familiar to me.

Colorado feels familiar to me. But like when I go there, I don't know it that well. I went to Boulder and I was like, wow, I don't know anything about this. But I knew like Southern Colorado, kind of, because we go up there. Yeah, I lived in Durango my freshman year of college. Oh, yeah? I went to school there, Fort Lewis, yeah. At Fort Lewis?

Uh-huh. That one school, that little school? That one school, yeah. I played basketball there. You're like a jock person. I'm jocky. Yeah. Not anymore, really.

But I was when I was young, super jock. Thank God you were prepared to lift those mattresses. You were like, I can do this. I was ripped. I God you were prepared to lift those mattresses. You're like, I can do this. I got so in shape. Are these lats right here? Yeah. Yeah, my lats.

Yeah? Yes. Popped out? Like a fish. And what was your relationship with, what's her name, Leslie? She was my best friend. Growing up or just here? Just here. I moved into an apartment complex actually i moved back there i still live there um on fountain avenue and she was my downstairs neighbor and downstairs neighbor and super fun we're still friends lesbian we made out once when

when i got drunk sounds like you do that with a lot of people. Just make out. Just kissed her, huh? Yeah, we just kissed. Yeah. Yes. Uh-huh. Why do you got to qualify when you were drunk? You just, you made out with your neighbor.

Made out with my lesbian neighbor. And didn't stick? No, because I'm not gay. It was, I wish I was was i made out with a lot of girls um when i was drunk but and when i got sober i was like oh i think i could finally get some clarity on being gay and i'm straight and i'm so mad so mad so mad that you were straight yes but like when you were drunk you're were like, I'm going to try again. With girls? Yeah.

Yeah. You wanted it to happen? You were like, please. I was like, yes, yes. Let me just be a lesbian. Yes. So what did it take? So are you done with that?

With girls? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I get girl crushes, but I'm just physically attracted to guys. Yeah. Yeah. It's more of like an emotional communication type with girls where I'm like, oh my God, I love them, but I don't want to kiss them.

Right. Oh, well. Yeah. So it's too bad you're not drinking for those girls. I know. So Pueblo, Colorado is like very small town, kind of, right? It's like Albuquerque. It feels small.

There's like 100,000 people there, maybe 120. Small city. Yeah. And what did you have, a sister? I have two younger sisters and an older brother and an older half-brother. Really? Uh-huh. Four of you?

And then two ex-stepbrothers from my mom's second marriage. The firemen? Yeah. I had to remember yeah so when did this like what like because your memoir is kind of funny because you deal with you're viewing it all through an alcoholic point of view like it's really a you know it that's where you sort of start when did that start start? Not the drinking, but the alcoholic behavior, right? Kind of? Yeah, I don't, I feel like I was uncomfortable when I was super young, but during high school,

I was confident and happy. There was this magical four-year period in high school. Yeah. I don't know where it came from, but I went, or maybe even starting in the eighth grade i was happy i think because i was really busy and i was good at things yeah just popular and but i tried really hard i was like a validation junkie yeah so i was getting all of that what good at what like sports just sports and good grades but i worked really hard it wasn't

like i was a natural at anything. And your parents were together or they weren't together? My biological father and my mom divorced when I was nine. And then my stepdad and my mom got married, I think, when I was 11, just a couple years later. And your biological dad, what was he like? He was not okay. He was a manic depressive alcoholic. Manic depressive and alcoholic.

Yeah, he never came out of his bedroom. Is that true? My father would do that occasionally. Yeah, just isolate. Yeah, the bedroom thing. Yeah, ugh, for years. Really? Yeah, that's all I remember.

I think, yeah, from the age of three to when i could remember till i was nine in his bedroom really the whole time uh-huh and they owned a business right yeah my mom ran it it was what was it uh do drop in she still has it it's a restaurant and a bar right yeah yeah well they said it started off as a bar but my mom uh started experimenting with pizza recipes and then it became super famous well in pueblo super famous everyone knows about it yeah i hear people talk about it out here yeah in new york at pizza places they're like this is okay but if you've ever been to pueblo drop in what was it thin crust thick crust thick, yeah? Yeah. And she invented it? She invented it. She said she got the recipe from God because she went to church.

We were Catholic. And for communion, instead of having the flat wafers, there was sweet bread. So she had the sweet bread. And she was probably 19, 20 at the time. And she was like, ooh, this would be good with marinara sauce. And she went home and experimented in the kitchen and came up with the pizza dough at 19 she already had you um no she was married and they had bought i think they bought the bar she had my brother when she was 20 and then me when she was 23 i believe wow yeah so so you're growing up in like this relatively sad

household until nine years old. And what happened? Did your dad just sleep his way out of the house? My mom finally left. Thank God. Just left? Well, yeah. Left him sleeping? Just divorced him, yeah.

And he didn't want the dew drop. He said he wanted the house and he wanted her to pay for the dew drop. So she worked at a gas station and saved up money to buy the dew drop. To buy her half, his half. Mm-hmm. Because they would have split it, right? It would have been a split, right? Yeah.

Huh. So did your dad, so she just left and he was in his room. Yeah, and he was in his room. Is he alive still? No, he passed away years ago. We think it's an overdose. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, yeah. Did you stay in touch with him? Well, when they got a divorce, it was like every other weekend, and I hated it. And then my mom stopped making me go over there. Just because he was negative. He wasn't physically abusive. He was just

sad sad and then i think when my mom left he got really scared and started to be nice to us i think he felt like holy shit i'm gonna be alone so he he tried but it was too late and i was a teenager and i was like full of hatred so i would see him on then it started to be just the holidays or his birthday blah blah blah and then when I moved to New York I would come back and see him once or twice a year during the holidays did he ever remarry or anything no he had a girlfriend for a little while he's just sad man oh man never got the medicine for the bipolar I don't think so. No. He was just... And I didn't understand anything. You know, when I moved to New York when I was 21, just about to turn 22, I had just started drinking a lot. So I just was like, he's...

And I had no idea about the disease or I just hated him. About manic depression? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew nothing. Did you ever get any resolution around that shit yes how'd you do that well it's in my book mark no no i just did a lot of work and then just just being in recovery and did you make an event with him um face to face or he was no he was already i was drinking a lot when he died. Oh. Because how many years ago has it been?

It was probably 11 years ago. So I was still drinking. Maybe 12 years ago. God, I don't even know. But, so I was still drinking a lot. Right. So you let yourself off the hook through the amends process in a way? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That in a way? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it's for. Yeah. So I'm okay now. And it was so funny because I didn't live day to day like hating my dad because he wasn't a part of my life. So when I was in high school or, you know, having fun in New York, I wasn't like, my dad's a bad person.

He wasn't even on my mind. Right. But the last year of my drinking drinking I was like crying about him it was bizarre like all this stuff came up about him which I was like why why am I thinking about him all of a sudden did you figure it out um well I think well I had a moment of clarity when I quit drinking and my dad was like the first thing I thought of being like I'm not gonna go out like that so right so I quit drinking, and my dad was like the first thing I thought of, being like, I'm not going to go out like that. Right. So I don't know if it was just like coming to the surface for a reason,

because that moment of clarity, I was like, I'm going to be like my dad, and I don't want to be. So he was a drunk? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, he was a drunk. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Well, no, i know you said he was manic depressive and he drank but i didn't know what that looked like so you'd go over to his house after their divorce and he'd be loopy no he would drink um uh like oh duels and stuff when we were over there and i was like oh that's weird but one time i went over there and i didn't tell him i like i surprised him and he was hammered yeah so I was like are you drunk because he would hide it from his us because his dad was an alcoholic so he had so much shame around it right so he hid it really well um and the one time I showed up without

telling him wasted wasted wow and then um and then I found out more from my older half brother he told me a lot of stories that i had no idea about and then in the end he um he drank a lot of pill i mean drank a lot of vodka and pills and then yeah a maintenance man found him oh yeah found him a maintenance man oh really in the apartment building. Oh, man. Yeah. So, yeah. So you don't want to end up like that. Ugh, no. So when I had my moment on an air mattress, not even like a real mattress.

You would think I would have a real mattress. Maybe that was the moment that made you sell nice mattresses. Like you hit your bottom on an air mattress and you're like, I'm not going to be my dad and I'm going to provide good mattresses for whoever needs them. Well, I had already stopped at the mattresses at that point. I was just drinking. Oh, that was post mattress? Yeah, like right towards the end.

You ended up on an air mattress? Is this a story story just keeps getting sadder and i know you don't want to be your dad and like a woman who is known in san francisco for selling mattresses and i got sober my moment of clarity was in san francisco on an air mattress in oakland that's bad when you don't even have a mattress and he sold them. I know. In Oakland on an air mattress? Wow, that sounds sordid. How did that happen? So, okay, we're going to have to track it.

Oh, man. So. I was up in San Francisco just for a weekend. The mattresses had already ended. Probably a few months before, I think. Yeah. I'm a little, I don't exactly know when. Details? Yeah. I'm a little, I don't exactly know when. Details?

Yeah. But I was in San Francisco and I was at the punchline and I got hammered, drove over the Bay Bridge to a friend's house, did a bunch of coke. I don't like coke.

Woke up on an air mattress, had an out-of-body experience, and I haven't had a drink since. Really? Uh-huh. You were able to sleep on the coke, though. Couldn't had a drink since. Really? Uh-huh. You were able to sleep on the Coke, though. Couldn't have been that good.

Well... You've been up for a couple days? Or is your sleep funny? I went to bed like five in the morning and woke up at noon, I think. Oh, it was... And I didn't like Coke. I never really liked it. But that night I was like, I got to do all the Coke. I hate it. I got to do all the Coke. I hate it.

I got to do all of it. Really? Mm-hmm. So you just hated yourself. You're like, I hate it so much I'm going to make myself feel bad. Mm-hmm. Was that a comic you were at his house? Her house?

No. I was at Leslie's. A friend of Leslie's. Oh. Just doing Coke and drinking. Just doing Coke and drinking. With the lesbians. And talking. We were really figuring stuff out. Of course coke and drinking. With the lesbians. And talking.

We were really figuring stuff out. Of course you were. We were figuring it all out. Yeah, you probably had it all figured out by the time you went to bed. So what do you mean an out-of-body experience? I just felt, I don't, it was probably the coke. I say, I don't know if it was a spiritual experience or the coke. It was right when I woke up.

I opened my eyes. I was a spiritual experience or the coke. It was right when I woke up. I opened my eyes. I was flat on my back. And I just was like. And I just knew I was done. I knew I was done. Wow. And I thought about my dad. And I thought about.

And I knew that I needed to ask for help. You did? Mm-hmm. How'd you know that? Well, because I had tried I needed to ask for help. You did? Mm-hmm. How'd you know that? Well, because I had tried to get sober many times before. Oh. By myself, in secret, sort of just staying dry, like really white knuckling it. And so I tried many, many times on my own.

So that time, I knew I would have to do something different, which was ask for help. And you did? Uh-huh. You knew a sober person? Mm-hmm. Yeah? I emailed them, yeah. Oh, really? them yeah oh really and it worked out did they sponsor you no um they emailed me back right away it was my friend tom and he gave me a woman called me right away his friend this woman who runs a sober comic no he's he was a producer yeah yeah wow

and that was it and that was it that's great so let's talk about how you got that far so in high school you're a happy kid everything was going your way cocky confident doing the athletics getting good grades probably being a little bit of a bully here and there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Shitty girl. No, I was nice. I was sort of a people pleaser.

Yeah. I wanted everyone to like me. But I would be mean to people if I thought they deserved it. But Pueblo is like one of those places. Is it like New Mexico? You can drive at like 15 or 16. Like when do you get your driver's license? 16.

Right. So you're like in it, got a car. What kind of car you got? I had a Geo Spectrum, I think was my very first car. And then I had a Jeep and then I got a pickup truck. Can you believe I'm not a lesbian? No. I think that that's the next book.

I hope so. You can do it. I think you can do it. I'm supportive of it. Maybe I just need to meet the right girl. Oh, definitely. I'll tell you. Do you have a website?

I do. All right. Well, we'll print it out there in the world. Get some emails. Okay. I need a girlfriend. I'll tell you do you have a website? I do alright well just we'll print it out there in the world and get some emails okay I need a girlfriend

oh boy I'm just trying to help you with your future because you don't want to do stand up anymore I think this is a great new book for you where you just sort of like

the premise is at the beginning you don't really like sex with women but you really want to be a lesbian yeah and you just you just go on a bunch of different dates with different people and you

finally find one okay but wait tell me about the guy because i like the story about the dewdrop too so so this was just a shitty bar that used to go in when you were a kid and you just see all those drunkies there uh-huh and you liked them i loved them they were really nice to me smelled like cigarettes and stuff yeah yeah like pool table jukebox guys there every day yeah oh those are regulars they like would wait for your mom to open the place i don't yeah probably i don't remember that but we would go before it was i loved going before it was open because i would look in the booths for quarters and i'd look for money on the floor and help my mom vacuum. It was fun.

Well, maybe you should take the restaurant over. No way. That's so much work. I was a waitress there for seven years. Oh, my God. In high school? Yeah. In the summers and weekends.

How big of a place is it? Well, it was small, but my mom relocated now. She has two locations. Wow. Yeah. She's a badass. She's doing all right for herself. Yeah.

Well, that's a great story. Your dad just swept and drank himself into a stupor. Your mom goes and works at a gas station gets enough money saved to buy him out yeah turns the whole shit around yep and then gets marries a fireman marries a an alcoholic fireman well you know she had a style she has a taste yeah but he was a good guy right he was all right he started off great yeah but then he was he was he was nice to me because i was sporty and he was sort of a sports guy yeah but uh drinking my mom had to leave him again wow got ugly it sort of did but

uh i was already out of the house when it really ended. I think for two years I was out of the house and then they got a divorce. There wasn't a lot of yelling and screaming. No? No. Not with my biological dad or my stepdad. My mom's not like, she just works. She works and she just like shuts down and then makes a decision.

Does she come from alcoholics yeah yeah my grandfather died from it so she was raised by alcoholics i mean it's everywhere but see so she went the other way she was like the control freak person as opposed to the drunk right yeah i think that's the more proactive healthier way to go if you're going to be a kid of an alcoholic try to be the one that wants to control everything yep that because they they do pretty well they do until they just hit a wall we're like i can't work anymore i hate everybody and then it's all fucking over i'm waiting for her to hit a wall she's you know in her 60s working seven days a week at the restaurant well i'm sure i'm sure it sounds like she's got like whatever, whether it's recovery or not, she's found balance in her life.

And, you know, there's if it's not killing her, then why not? Yeah. She likes to stay busy and she's happy. Yeah. Yeah. No Alan on him. No. Just working.

Just working. She's too busy. She doesn't have time. That shit. Yeah. Well, you know, those people, I mean, they don't have to hit a wall, but eventually, you know, some crisis of control happens. You know what I mean. Yeah. Well, you know, those people, I mean, they don't have to hit a wall, but eventually, you know, some crisis of control happens. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Where you're kind of like, I can't, I don't have control over this. She started taking breathing classes and I think it helped. Yeah. Breathing classes. Breathing classes. Was she a breath holder? I don't know.

I got to ask her. I hold my breath. Me too. You do too? i'll find myself just like not breathing yes all the time me too or i'm i'm a shallow breather people have to tell me like breathe when i'm working out or something if i'm working with a trainer she's like breathe i'm just holding my breath lifting things do you take short breaths i feel like my breath goes right here and then comes back out yeah i don't i don't know whenever some tells me how to breathe, I'm like, that seems like a lot of work.

Like, I have to be aware of it. Like, breathing should be relatively passive. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because then I hyperventilate. What? But they say when you focus on your breath, you can't, your mind has to go there. So you can't.

That's meditation, right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. So your mother's breathing and making pizzas, managing restaurants. She get married a third time? Yes. Oh, my God. What kind of fuck up was that guy?

They're still married. Oh, good. He's a farmer. Oh, my God. And he only has two beers a day. But he's aware of that? Oh, yeah. So he said, controlled drinking, controlled alcohol.

That's great. He's a workaholic. Oh, he is? He has 150 acres. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. In Pueblo. That's a lot of land.

Yeah, a lot of land. He leases it out, but there's like pinto beans and corn. Does he do like organic, sell it locally kind of thing? Or is he part of the big machine? I think he's part of the big machine. That's good. It's not an easy racket. Yeah.

This is his hobby. He's already retired. Farming 150 acres is his hobby? Yes. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Wow wow he's a good guy he's a little socially interesting he might he i don't know he might have asperger's oh yeah yeah but it's i i would much rather have him have that than anything well how does that manifest itself I would much rather have him have that than anything. How does that manifest itself?

I don't, I just, I think I'm just diagnosing him. But it's just like social cues. You know, he'll talk about trains and electricity. And I could be like, and he'll just keep going. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter whether you're interested or not.

Oh, no, I could start crying and he'll just keep going. He'll need to get to his point. He has to get all the way to the end. Can you walk away and come back? Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right, so you're in high school, you're doing well,

and then when does the magic, because it sounds like you're headed towards the light of being the progeny of alcoholics. You're heading towards control freaky, sportsy, like you're going the right way. I know. And what happens? You know, I took a few road trips

and realized that the world is really big and I didn't want to stay in Pueblo anymore. Yeah. And I went to New York the year before I graduated college and I was like, I have to move here. So after I graduated- But you weren't drinking yet. No, not, well, in the summers and, you know, like a kid.

But just sort of like, woo. But I would get hammered every time I did. I didn't do it often, but when I did, I did it. Yeah. So I was already, I had already blacked out a lot, but- But not regularly. No. Right. It was, it was just a lot of fun. Where'd you go to college? Fort, Fort Lewis. Fort Lewis and then University of Southern Colorado. Doing good grades? Basketball grades. Playing basketball?

Yeah. You're not that big. I know I'm tiny. But you're just a whiz? Yeah. Super fast, aggressive, three pointer. Really? No look passes. Defensive. Yeah. That fast, aggressive, three-pointer. Really? No look passes, defensive. Yeah? That good, huh? I used to be good. Do you still play for fun? No. Why?

Because I don't know. I didn't like it in college. It really upset me. Were you on a scholarship? Uh-huh. And I sort of didn't want to do it anymore. Sounds like comedy. This seems to be your, what is it your um pattern

to quit well did you get pretty good at something and then just like fuck it i love quitting yeah i just i think i like proving to myself that i could do things and being like all right good enough what's next i have a little of that but i do i've kept like guitar as a hobby and your stand-up well stand-up's like that's my life like but i think about quitting a long time like i've thought about quitting but there was never like i really get a lot out of it and i'm pretty good at it yeah and like and it's it's uniquely mine for me, stand up, gave me the freedom to be exactly who I want to be, or at least to figure that out, to try to figure it out, you know, to be true to myself somehow. Yeah. So that was always the mission, but it does become sort of like, like the problem

I'm having right now is that, you know, I feel okay. I'm not in a rush i'm not desperate you know i'm not struggling so where where do i speak from like my whole life was about those things right freaking out pissed off struggling to get somewhere and now like i'm kind of somewhere and i'm like not freaking out as much so what do you talk about? Good question, Amber. Good fucking question. And then there's the next question is like, why do it at all? Why do fucking anything?

Yeah. Chill out. But how do you do that? Breathing classes. I'm trying it. So, all right. So you're done with basketball and you're just sort of like you go to New York on a trip to visit somebody or what? I just went with a friend to explore for a little bit.

What did you explore? We just. We did this jock from fucking Colorado, some college jockette. We walked around. We were too afraid to take the subway. So we walked a lot. Just tourists. Colorado kids.

Colorado kids. Didn't want to get mugged so scared but it was exciting it's big when the first time you go to new york's amazing oh my god because you just right when you get there you're like jesus it is incredible it goes on forever it's huge it was it my mind exploded and i was like i have have to come back here. And so I had one year of school left and I went back and I went back to Pueblo to graduate. And I started listening to Tony Robbins to get myself pumped up. I was like, I'm going to move. I'm going to move to New York.

And so I started. You're just getting pumped up to move. You didn't have a plan. No. No life plan. You're just like you're gonna listen to Tony Robbins yeah to move that's what I did and I didn't have a plan but I was pumped and I did it bought a one-way ticket what's your degree in business

I have a business degree and you did well in school yeah so you you had some mind for something yeah but no plan no plan so you moved moved one way ticket tony robbins tape in your bag you're listening on a walk man right i did cd 30day personal power, 90 days in a row, unstoppable. Yeah. So what do you do when you get to New York? I had a hotel room for a week, and I went on job interviews. For what? Business?

You know, business stuff. Yeah. Just internet companies. All internet companies I ended up getting hired at as a headhunter down in Wall Street. Wow. Yeah. I ended up getting hired as a headhunter down in Wall Street. Yeah. So I found a job within three days, but I could not find an apartment. But before I had moved, I was online.

And the internet was... And you were like nailing it. You were all like business suit, kind of doing the thing. My mom bought me a super expensive business suit, and I was overdressed every single time. But I felt pretty powerful. Good suit, Tony Robbins. Head full of Tony Robbins in an expensive business suit. Yeah.

I found a job and then, but I had been emailing people. The internet was, I mean, there was like one site to find apartments. What year was that? 99. So I was emailing with this guy, Jeff, and we had become friends. But by the time I got out there, the room was already rented. But he was really nice. Yeah.

So I had to stay on his futon for two days and then found an apartment in Astoria. When does it all start to unravel? Well, I was drinking right away a lot. I had to. I could not handle. What did Tony Robbins say about that? I stopped listening to him. That's probably what did it.

I stopped listening to Tony. I was getting drunk every day. With who? Guys from work, by myself whoever i was i was sort of okay after a little bit i was okay going to bars by myself what was your drink long island iced teas for a while just because you're young you're like i want to get hammered right away and that's the drink and then i switched to seven and seven and then eventually um vodka gimlets that was the last one vodka gimlets vodka gimlets and white wine seven seven pretty good drink yeah that's a hard drink yeah yeah i went for it yeah vodka gimlet that's lime juice old lady drink yeah yeah but i just i don't know and i think i was

after the the initial rush of moving to new york wore off and i was just at these day jobs and i bought and i bounced around um day jobs so i was like a head hunter and then i got a job at as a pr person at the a new. And I bounced around these day jobs. But once the rush of moving to New York wore off, I was like, this is it. I'm here. So what? And then I started to go to comedy shows. And I loved, I was like, I can't.

I just loved it. I loved watching stand up. And I went to shows almost every night for a year. Just everywhere. I don't know. I don't remember the names. Who were you seeing? Who were the first people you saw that made you like, wow, this is amazing?

I saw, well, everyone at Luna, like you and Janine and Zach and, you know, Eugene Merman and those guys were starting out. Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti. You know, I went to B3 with Becky Donahue every Wednesday night. And just. So mostly alt rooms. Yeah, mostly. I mean, occasionally I would go to Caroline's, but I was really, I loved the alt rooms.

And I would just sit there and just be like, oh, my God. I was just fascinated. I was like like how are they doing that aren't they so scared are they just coming up with that right off the top of their head what are how do they do that yeah and it just brought i was just so and i was meeting really cool and interesting people and um just trying to connect like just trying to find my place and i just i loved it and then i was like I could do this yeah I could do this and you're not gonna believe this one of my PR jobs we had a client that was at had an interview at

some daytime show on CNN so I'm standing outside the CNN building and I hear this magical voice go by me and I'm like that's Tony Rob. And I turn and it's Tony Robbins. And I go up to him and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, you're not going to believe this. But I moved to New York because I listened to your tapes. And my aunt quit smoking because she listened to your tapes. And he's like, what are you doing this weekend? And I thought he was hitting on me.

I was like, nothing. What are you doing? And he gave me a card. He's like, call my assistant. I'm doing a have a uh i'm doing a what are they called a seminar yeah in new jersey this weekend and i'll give you two free tickets and i was like what i'm going so i asked all of my friends and they were like what i'm not going to that that guy's a fucking yeah you know new yorkers yeah he's like the infomercial guy. I was like, I said, well, I'm going by myself. So I went to this Tony Robbins seminar by myself.

I took like a short bus from Port Authority with these Tony Robbins groupies. I don't know how. I just ended up on this bus with a bunch of middle-aged women. And they love Tony, too. And we were just talking. And I told them that I met him on the street. And they were like, what? I said, yeah, I got two free tickets.

They're like, we had to pay $500 for our tickets. I was like, oh, I had an extra one. Nobody wanted it. They were going nuts. And then I went to the seminar and I got jazzed again. And then I started doing stand-up comedy. I asked for a $10,000 raise like the next day. Got it.

And then I started doing stand-up comedy. Because Tony? Was there a point where he says like, you know, do you visualize what you want to do? That kind of thing? Like how did you, like were you in your mind? Was that the problem you were working on when you went to the seminar kind of thing? Sort of. I was really upset that I was just working these day jobs.

And I was sort of on the just wanting to do it. How long was the seminar? It was an all day thing. Yeah. And I was sitting next to businessmen who were forced to go there for their jobs. Because Tony is like a business guy where he trains a lot of corporate people. But these business dudes were like, our company sent us here today. But by the end of the day, we're freaking singing Tina Turner, doing jumping jacks.

He brainwashed all of us. And you just left with the confidence? Yes. And I ran down, like the show's over and I ran. It was this huge, it was Continental Arena. I think that's what it was called then. I don't know. But I go and the seminar's over and everybody's leaving.

And Tony's like shaking people's hands on stage. And I scream from like the second row. And I'm like, Tony. I'm like, we met yesterday on the street. And he's like, oh, hey, thanks for coming. And he's like, oh, I gotta catch my chopper to a show. And he told me that.

And I was sort of bummed that he told me that. I was like, oh, you gotta catch your chopper. I just, don't tell me that. What did you think he was gonna do? Get the bus? I don't know. That's what ruined Tony Robbins for you? Oh, you thought he was bragging?

Like he didn't seem like the every man that you decided he was? And that, oh, you thought he was bragging like he, he didn't seem like the every man that you decided he was? And then I just, you know, but it was pretty incredible. So you left all jacked? Jacked. And you weren't drunk

at the seminar? No. Hmm. I wasn't. I don't know if they, I don't think they had alcohol there. So,

so the next day you asked for a raise because I was working hard. I was a hard, I they, I don't think they had alcohol there. So the next day you asked for? A raise. And you got it. Because I was working hard. I was a hard, I was working hard and felt like I deserved it. So you just got this, like Tony Robbins really, it really made a difference? Uh-huh.

Wow. Yeah. And then you started doing stand-up? Uh-huh. I took a class, a six-week writing workshop. And the graduate. With who? Tommy Koenig.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so for six weeks. And then when you graduated, you got five minutes. And I did it at Stand Up New York. It was my first time. And it went okay. It went well enough for me to try it again.

Yeah. And the second time I did it, I killed. And I was like, oh, I got addicted to it. Right. Yeah. The old athletic high school good times. I'm good at this, girl. It's back.

Back. People love me. Working hard. And were you running around doing spots? Yeah. And I met so many people. So I knew everyone. Oh, because you're hanging around.

I was hanging around for a year and everyone was really nice. I said, Hey, I'm trying it out. And they'd give me stage time. So now what's going on with the alcohol at this point? Really drunk, but really functional. Yeah. Performing drunk. Well, not hammered, but yeah.

Like two or three. Yeah. To, to, to get that like, I'm not quite sure if I was on the performing drunk well not hammered but yeah if like two or three yeah to to like i'm not quite sure if i was on the gimlets yet just whatever no beers though always hard liquor usually hard liquor because beer i was like afraid of getting fat and i started smoking too i i wasn't a smoker until I started doing comedy. Yeah. Yeah, and then I was a chain smoker.

Yeah. It's the Attell School. The Dave Attell School of comedy. Oh, yeah. Smoked those cigarettes. I really didn't used to smoke then. Did you?

You smoked? I did, yeah. Merman smoked. I don't think he smokes anymore though. Like he was a big smoker. A lot of us did. It's weird.

I'm still on nicotine but i haven't smoked cigarettes for you know since 2000 since 99 2000 something and you can still smoke in bars then yeah i'm smoking inside great god everybody just smoking no nobody cared either you could blow it right in their face yeah i don't know what changed. Fucking everything got ruined. Internet. Damn it. It's boring. Local farming. Damn it. No cigarettes.

Damn it. All the good things. Well, that's not true. Local farming is good. The internet's fine. Smoking inside is probably bad. Remember when you could smoke on planes? That's the thing that always amazes me.

That there was like the last four seats of the plane were a smoking section. And it's like, you're on a plane now. It's like, how did the entire plane smell like cigarettes there's no way it didn't i know no way it's such a it's such a horrible i hung out my friend was staying with me over the weekend and she's a chain smoker and she'd get in my car yeah she's smoking she's she'd smoke outside and then come in and be like, you smell like shit. It's horrible. It's crazy. It's crazy.

And you don't even think about it. No. Back then. All right, so you're doing the comedy. You're in New York. You're getting shit-faced. And then, like, for years? Years.

Were people concerned? No. Because you were functioning. Functioning, not getting in fights. Having a good time. Having a great time, showing up to work. When did you quit those jobs? The internet jobs?

Yeah. Well, my last year in New York, I was a waitress, and I really liked it. Had you fallen, or you just decided? i wasn't doing it was really sad i just got really super super depressed and then i was i was in a relationship um i was in a relationship for four years in new york and uh with a comic uh-huh who i'm not say. Will you tell me after? Uh-huh. All right. I probably knew this. Yeah, go ahead. And it was just not going well. We were both controlling each other and breaking up all the time.

Yeah. And I wasn't doing comedy. You weren't? Why not? I just stopped. I don't know. I was really depressed and stopped being being, I guess stopped being functional. Alcoholic wise.

Yeah. Yeah. Just really hung over all the time. Super, super, super, super bad hangovers. And then I started working part time in an office. And I was sick of the office. I hate office work. Unless I'm writing something that I care about.

Sitting in an office at a desk yeah working for people that you don't like i'd much rather be a waitress yeah because you get to talk and walk around and you know so i started waitressing um and i wasn't doing comedy and then i was like i'm moving to la i wanted to get out of there. And I did. Just a geographical really? No real plan? No real plan. Tony help you? No, Tony. Wasn't interested in Tony again. Damn. And I just moved to LA. Did you think it was clinical depression or just alcohol based? You know, I don't know. I was drinking so much. I have no idea. And then you come out here. Come out here. Little bit of hope.

Sunshine. Doing comedy again? A little bit. Yeah. I was going to shows, sort of checking it out. What was this, 2000 what? 2006. Hmm.

2006. But I didn't like doing comedy. I liked stand-up much more in New York. Because in LA, you know know it's like everyone's in the industry yeah and the audiences yeah so there's no people there just to enjoy comedy so the stand-up scene i wasn't loving it yeah but i was i love i was like i was happy to be out here because a lot of my friends had already moved out here but still drinking still drinking but not as depressed right i sort of got like a second boost of happiness when I moved here.

Yeah. Just a new life and new opportunities. Got a job? Sell mattresses. That was it? Mm-hmm. Oh, I got, it was a thrift shop. Thrift store and then selling mattresses.

And I did that for two years. Are you and Martin okay now? No. I don't know if he knew what I did. I had no idea. He accused you of it. He accused me of it. it i was like you think i'm doing it i'm gonna do it but i don't know if he knew is he still around no that thrift store is not there anymore so maybe he's doing the mattresses he probably is he had a niece who stole the idea from him she um, um, he told me about her. He's like,

see this ad? It's from my niece. I taught her the business, but we had a big falling out. And now she, and she, she was running LA. She even started to copy and paste my ads.

Like I got, and I got in a fight with her. I was like, you are stealing my creative selling techniques. You're basically copy and pasting. And she just hung up on me. It's competition within the weird mattress hustle. The three people that actually thought they were really on to something.

I told her, you're obviously not an artist. No, you did. I did. That was like my zinger. And then she hung up on me. Because No, you did not. Yeah, I did. That was like my zinger. And then she hung up on me. Because she's like, you're crazy. Yeah. So what is the future of that?

Just renting more trucks? Were you going to hire more people? Well, you know, it became a saturated market. A lot more people are selling mattresses. It's crazy. I always knew mattresses were a racket. How could they not be? I know. Casper mattresses were a racket. How could they not be? I know.

Casper mattresses are good. Oh, really? But okay, so you're doing the mattresses, and then you end up in Oakland doing comedy, drinking on an air mattress, and you fucking just have your white light experience. Mm-hmm. And you get sober.

Mm-hmm. And life's been good? Is Tony back? a little bit tony makes a cameo every once in a while when i'm really desperate um i have him on my ipod uh no it's been good it's been difficult you know it's it's been very emotional like like layers. You know, I've been depressed and full of rage and all of it. But I don't know. I'm happier than I've ever been. And the book took you how long to write?

I got the deal in April, I think like seven months. It was a pretty quick turnaround because I started writing a proposal in January, finished it in March, got the deal in April, and my deadline was in September. Well, I'm very happy for you. Thank you. Good picture. Thanks.

You look like mature and, you know, sort of grounded in the picture. Yeah, I put lipstick on. And you have the kind of like, not like out of control smile. Yeah. Just sort of like I'm on top of shit smile. Yeah, it's under control.

I'm a writer. I'm a business lady. All right. I feel good about what we've done here. Okay, good. And I'm not going to try to make out with you. All right. I feel good about what we've done here. Okay, good. And I'm not going to try to make out with you. All right. And I'm looking forward to the lesbian memoir in three years.

You got to help me find a lady. They'll be emailing you. Thanks for coming. Thank you. I like her. I like the book. It's cute. Amber Tozer, thank you.

Thank you for coming. Do I ever say that? After they're gone. She's long gone. Go to WTFpod.com, powered by Squarespace, to check out my tour dates, to get some merch, to do whatever you're going to do. And please take care of yourself, and please really think about what you're doing. Could you please really think about what you're doing. Could you please just think about what you're doing

and if it's shitty, try to curb it or stop it. No guitar today. I'm too hot. I'm saving my ears. Just for today. Just for today. I'm going to give my ears a rest. Boomer lives! We'll be right back. an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes. We can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything.

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