WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 875 - WTF Shows of Christmas Past

Episode Date: December 24, 2017

For Christmas Day, Marc presents a look back at some holiday moments from the earliest years of WTF. First, hear Todd Glass and Marc talk about the perils of going home for the holidays. Then some highlights from the 2009 live WTF Christmas show with Sarah Silverman, Paul F. Tompkins, Jerry Minor, Eddie Pepitone and Jim Earl. Finally, a beautiful story of hope and humanity from the late Mike DeStefano, recorded around the holidays in 2010. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m. in Rock City at torontorock.com. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice?

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Lock the gate! All right, let's do this. Merry christmas what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fuck nicks what's happening it's what the fuck miss i hope i hope hope your christmas is going well good morning good good christmas morning to you I hope you got everything you wanted. I hope that the family situation is okay. I hope that it was exciting. Presents are exciting. I hope that the food was good.

I hope that you're okay. I hope you're having a good day. Merry holidays to everybody of all kinds. But today is specifically Christmas morning. This show happened to fall on Christmas morning. And I just hope it's all bearable. I hope you're all right. I hope you're in the Christmas spirit.

I hope there's no yelling and screaming and crying. Or the need to run into the woods in the snow. I hope there's no snowshoeing to get away. No cross-country skiing to get out to get out so i hope i hope there's none of that so today what we're going to do is uh some bits from the show these were from shows we did around christmas in the first two years of doing the podcast we're going way back uh first you'll hear me and todd glass from episode 32 in 2009 talking about dealing with going home for the holidays. Then we've got stuff from a live WTF Christmas show at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles featuring Sarah Silverman, Paul F. Tompkins, Jerry Miner, Eddie Pepitone, and Jim Earl.

That was episode 33. and Jim Earl. That was episode 33. And finally, a beautiful story from the late, great Mike DiStefano, who I talked to in Florida when I was there visiting my mom for the holidays. This was in 2010 on episode 130, and it's one of the best things that's ever been on the show. It was a pretty stunning story. It was a pretty stunning story. So enjoy. Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series,

FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply.

It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m.

in Rock City at torontorock.com. Joy. So you went home for thanksgiving i i didn't go home i went home last thanksgiving but when you said that it made me think of last thanksgiving and also um this you reacted like it was just a couple days ago because it's because i'm dealing with it going home for christmas it's very uh it's i and again like for my mom it's just such everything is a it's a big production and it's like yeah i get to get the tree up and i live my life like the opposite like when i get ready for christmas i'm not kidding you to me i'm like may pretending my mom's watching me and i want to say see how easy was that and here's what I have.

I have a box of stuff and it's in the garage. Two boxes of Christmas. It's in a, it's in a, even a green and red box. You buy it Home Depot. So I know there's Christmas. Yeah. I pull it out. I walk it into the house and I put it on the sofa.

Then I have a little bit of coffee. Then I start pulling things out of the box. That goes up there. All I know, 10 minutes later, all the Christmas stuff stuff is out and then the other box is stuff for the tree right and that gets neatly put near the door maybe two days later I buy a tree the stands already on it yeah I come in the house I put it up and um I just slowly you know three or four here I have some friends over everyone put up two two things on my tree you know yeah and that's done yeah and that's it yeah I go mom what are you what are you doing yeah i did it what are you doing and i try to teach her what did she do oh i gotta get

the tree and i got the lights and i threw them out i go mom what happened all the decorations she goes i threw them out last year they were too they were old i go mom that's what's cool about decorations but i gotta and she's the thing and i gotta cook this i go don't cook stop and i just try to try to get her to enjoy her life my brother said you know what todd just maybe let her do her stuff the minute you get her as calm as she needs to be she might pass away like maybe that's what keeps her going you know she acts like a 30 year old so maybe i should just let her do it is what keeps people going i've seen it in comedy a lot you're like oh my god is he that guy's still doing it what else is he gonna do like in my mind

if someone gave me a million dollars i'd be like great i'm done but that's a good you just said that because for what we do you know we if you love what you do that it doesn't change it drastically just what you can do so if someone gave you five million dollars right now yes you know exactly what you would do i sort of do i do what do. What? Okay. I would, um, I'd make a decision right away to either like redo, like, you know, get my deck done. Uh, you know, maybe get up in the business. What about your, your, you would not, you'd still do standup, wouldn't you? I would do standup, but I would really reassess, you know, because the way I'm looking at it now, like I'm just starting to have some peace of mind in my life. I'm just getting over a lot of demons.

I'm actually starting to, you know, feel comfortable with myself and enjoy certain things. I would probably have to make a list of like, what is like the 10 things that I would really enjoy doing, whether they be travel, how could I enjoy myself? Those would come first before like, you know, like, great, I'll put that in the bank and I'm going to go down to the UCB. You know, like there's an outside chance that if they give me a lot of money and I had a date book that giggles in Seattle, I'd be like, you know what?

I'm canceling that. But usually in our business, the money comes with a certain amount of recognition. So you're telling me that I get $5 million and like 100,000 new fans that love me? Or am I just getting the $5 million? Well, the $5 million, I always look at it this way. There'd definitely be, it's funny you go right to your deck because I think, really? But I go right to this bathroom. I have a bathroom I want to fix.

It's dangerous out there. It's not that like, I'm not a materialistic guy. I don't buy shit. I don't spend money. But I think what I would probably do is I would think a bunch of places I really want to visit.

You never thought like, because I always think that too. And then I think, if you really believe that you're funny, you take some of that money and you produce your own HBO special or Comedy Central special and you submit it to them. And if you're, you know, the odds are that if it's done right and it is funny, you get a chance to go, see, I did it myself and they loved it. Or do something like that where you would take out a, I always think about like if you

took out a campaign and put billboards all over the city, but you had... I'm pulling that out of my butt, but you understand. Have my picture and say, hey, I got money on HBO tonight. No, if you were in a city and you had the money... Now, it's different. Most people that have money for billboards are people that don't have anything to do with their talent. Who was that famous woman in LA that had the billboards all over? Okay, so you're asking me is something different now. So like, like I, I love doing this podcast

because no one can tell me what to do. It's just me and Brendan doing what we want to do with freedom of mind. I talked to who I want to talk to. No one can take it away from us. And I like that feeling. So I think if I had money to afford, you know, maybe getting, you know, someone to, to work for me in a way of keeping me organized like you have, perhaps have a publicist, and then set up a bunch of dates where I could rent a room and then publicize my own dates and that kind of stuff, I would do that. I would also shoot, I would love to shoot a special, but in my mind, a lot of times you do things and they're done and still just the same amount of people is going to come no matter what you do.

You know what I mean? I've been around long enough to know that I have fans. There's not millions of them. But they're loyal and I like them and they understand me. So if I could give them something that they could come to. Like a lot of people I don't get out on the road to much because for some reason I'm unbookable in certain markets. Like certain clubs are like, I don't know, Marin, he's polarizing like whatever but but i'd like to perform for the people that have never seen me so i'd figure that out well you know you know what i realized from sort of just reacting to the tail end of what you said as far as like you know there's certain really good comedians and then you know they

don't get used at some of the improvs or funny bones these five sometimes three to six hundred seat rooms. I just saw something that reminded me of when I first started comedy. I was in Bloomington, Indiana. Yeah, I want to do that room. And you know what I realized? I realized that, first of all, they would love you to do that room. And I realized that they don't have the overhead and all this stuff that makes it hard to bring in a comedian that maybe is a great comedian respected there was 160 seat room that's the best i can give me a little room i'm

so much better 80 to 140 seats it's great what a great every night i was like it was just like being it was like it was just it was all great i would just go on stage i started doing this you ever i used to look at it and think, oh, no. You ever sit on stage ever? Yeah. Me? You're talking to Marc Maron. You sit?

You sit on? I used to sit for the wrong reason. But now, when I was at the Laughing Skull, I sat for the entire show because a lot of guys were sitters. And I like sitting. But when I used to sit was the moment where it's like, oh, my God, I'm not getting them. but when I used to sit was like the moment where it's like oh my god I'm not getting them

so in order to counteract panic I'd be like I'm failing I'm gonna sit and then I'd sit but now I'm just sort of like I like to see how much I can do from the chair because like I'm a guy that when I started there was a lot of bravado so I'd do a lot of the pacing and I'd be over here

and I'd be over here and I was big and I was up in their face and now I'm sort you know what can I do just from the chair well if you think about it and again it's with everything you do whatever's right for you I'm not I'm not lobbying that everybody should sit but if you were talking to two just just as a just as a conversation concept if you and two people were uh standing and you bumped into somebody and you were talking and you and you decided hey you know what i got you have any time to kill eventually you would sit down right you're not going to stand so i'm like why am i standing one night i said and still i do stand sometimes but when i sit i go i can concentrate more and i think that's why even as

two human beings just hanging out somewhere and eventually if you're talking and 10 minutes goes by you go hey you want to grab a seat why what because we're talking we should sit and talk and concentrate on talking not walking and standing you know it's like now as i think that i'm so paranoid i went well you could take a walk and talk sure you could take a walk and talk and certainly when you're making a presentation in front of people it's probably better to stand and stand up comic i'm gonna go back to standing all right todd you want to stand up now no what if we were both standing Let's sit down We should sit down

We're going to sit down if you don't mind and have a real conversation Awesome Thanks for coming This is going to be the Christmas show So let's pretend like it's Christmas, shall we? Let's take a minute. Let's talk to the people that are listening to this.

This show is going to go up on the 24th. So it's the day before Christmas. So let's assume there are people maybe traveling home. They're on the plane by themselves, freaking out, because they have fucking family to deal with. They're going back to a home that's uncomfortable, filled with abuse and pain. So let's just talk to them. All right, keep it together. All right, don't let them in. Keep them out. Remember, they're the ones that wired you. They can get into the box. Keep them out of the box.

I don't usually tell people to lie, but this is a good time to start lying. Pretend that everything is okay. Sure, your mom will see through it, but fuck her. Just ride it out. All right, tell them you have things going on that you don't. Don't let them see the insecurity

and don't let your father hit you. All right, just hold on. Keep hold of the ship. Stay steady. And good luck. And Merry Christmas. Sorry, I just want to do that for the listener. I have to reach out to all people.

Is everyone having a pretty good holiday season? You okay? Do you give a fuck? Seriously. Do you care? I'm a Jew. Is that over yet? Are we done with that?

What's that? oh shit so I've got one more day to light my sad menorah at home with my cats which I have not done up to this point because I refuse to do it alone because my brother who's really Jew-y

he once, last year he was like dude you know you're sad, you're alone. I think it's a good time to light the menorah. I'm like, how is that not the fucking opposite of that? You want me to sit there with my cat in a yarmulke in my kitchen lighting a menorah by

myself? Somehow this is good for you? I didn't do it that much when I was married either, because my wife wasn't Jewish. She was quite the opposite of Jewish. She was like large and German. And by the way, who the fuck stole the work will set you free thing off the gates of Auschwitz today? Did you hear about that?

Someone fucking stole the, I don't want to try and say it in German because I don't know German, but the thing that translate works to set you free right over the gate of Auschwitz was stolen last night how what the fuck someone is getting gonna get gonna get a very unique Christmas present

some skinhead is gonna be thrilled oh my god baby this is better than the skin lampshade from last year maybe it'll show up like over the uh the home depot parking lot on sunset the um where was i going with this oh i remember i remember last year oh right when i was married and my wife does this thing because whenever you're a jew and you're married to a non-jew and i'm not Jewish a lot of you know that but some of you accuse me of talking

about it too much that means I'm even less Jewish because when you talk about a lot that means you don't even fucking bother with candles or any other bullshit so my wife at the time she goes look I think you should light the candles and I'm like no I'm not doing that I mean no she goes I don't want to deny you that I'm like I haven't fucking done it in years. She goes, I want you to light your candles. So I fell for it. I'm like, okay. I'll do it. So it was the first night of Hanukkah. I'm standing there in my kitchen with my little yarmulke on, my little candle to light the other one, like you do.

And I'm standing there next to my non-Jewish wife. And I'm saying the prayer. And I hear her go, and I'm like, what the fuck is that? What are you laughing at? And she's like, no, I just think it's wonderful. I'm like, no, you can't say that

when you're suppressing laughter. She goes, no, I'm really touched that you're doing it. No, you're not. You're sitting there thinking, look at this silly Jew man with a silly Jew hat. Singing his silly Jew song. So that's over. But you know that. All I want for Hanukkah, I don't get any presents.

You know why? Because I don't give any. I got three Christmas cards. I'm not complaining. It's fine. Except one of them isick, I don't get any presents, you know why cuz I don't give any I got three Christmas cards I'm not complaining. It's fine. Except one of them is from someone. I don't know and this is the second year I've gotten one from her You ever did that happen to you like she writes her name Jana are you here I Got a car this second year of the road Jana sent me a card The address is somewhere out by the LAX airport I have no fucking idea

Who she is And I don't know if I want to pursue it Maybe that's part of the game What was I going to say I want a cleaver I want a large cleaver Like a big one Because I've gotten into coconut water

Because they say it's really good for you and it tastes so good but you ever drank it right out of a fucking coconut like at a thai restaurant that's the best and i bought a couple of those coconuts and i brought them home and i had to hack them open and it didn't work out so well but so so i think if i had a cleaver i could do it very precisely and then on top of that I realized that if I could do that with some confidence every morning with a whole coconut, that means every day I wake up, it will feel like I just shipwrecked on an island. Wouldn't that be a great way to start a day, just hoping up a coconut and just be like, oh, God. That's the big idea.

Let's get the show going. My first guest, you can applaud. Merry Christmas. My first guest, you may know from Delocated on Adult Swim. He just shot his second season of that. He was in the Beer League with Artie Lang. And he also was one of the stars on Lucky Louie. Please welcome Jerry Miner to the stage.

Hello, Jerry. Hello. How are you? Fine. This is a weird guy thing. Do you want to cross swords? Okay. We just rubbed tips of microphones.

You want a cookie? Jazzmate him. You have HPV? I don't have it. I have HPV? Is that what you gave me for Christmas? Who doesn't have HPV? Let's show hands.

Exactly. By the time a woman is like 60 years old, she has an 80% chance to have it. It's a great opening thing. Thanks for bringing it up. You know what I mean? Because when I think like, what are we going to start with? Where are we going to go? Most women are doomed to ovarian cancer from HPV infection by age 60.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Hey, don't do nothing to men, so. Good approach. Good approach. Put a few warts, you're fine. Wait till they pass and go infect the ladies. Is that what you're saying?

That's right. All right, Jerry. Let's talk about something else. Hey, what about Christmas? Merry Christmas. Did you celebrate Christmas when you were a kid, Jerry? No, I did not. I grew up one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

What the? Yeah. Are you serious? No, I did not. I grew up one of Jehovah's Witnesses. What the? Yeah. Are you serious? They do not celebrate any holidays. I was wondering that today because the guy who lives across the street from me, Terry, he's a Jehovah's Witness, and I knew he was a Jehovah's Witness. Like, I did that thing where I'm like, hey, happy holidays.

And he's like, how are you? And I'm like, oh, I fucked up. They don't do that. Now i'm some heathen across the street who doesn't really have a holiday of his own that he likes and yet i've insulted him so how do you what do they do i mean what you were brought up in this yeah they don't celebrate any holidays no birthdays no christmas i think the only celebration that they claim to have is uh the memorial for christ's death which would basically be good friday to have is the memorial for Christ's death, which would basically be Good Friday

to everybody. So the only holiday they celebrate is the day signifying the day Christ was killed. Yes. That's like the opposite of Christmas. I know. When I was when I was

They went the whole other direction with it. You know, I basically think that was the idea. I think that it started out with like, how can we go the opposite of Christmas? It wasn't like theological at all. It was like, how can we be the opposite? Let's do the day he died. And not give gifts.

Let's take things away from the kids. Basically, yeah. We'll celebrate the day Christ died and we'll from the kids. Basically, yeah. We'll celebrate the day Christ died and we'll steal the kids' bikes. You know, I was told two stories when I was growing up about birthdays because basically you're celebrating Christ's birthday on Christmas.

Now, first of all, they have a whole explanation that, and it's true, that Christmas wasn't the day that Christ was born. He was born probably around October, November. If he even existed. Well, not true. They have certain things like they're like, well, how could the, you know, the shepherds were out.

And then when they saw the star, how could that be in the winter? It's like the fucking Middle East. Like, I know that. I knew that at six years six years old like there's no snow out in the ground dumbass who cares you take sheep out in the winter who gives a fuck but that was their big explanation like oh yeah right the winner and um the other thing they would say is that the only the only stories in the bible that talk about a birthday were bad stories. And it was when Joseph, the Technicolor Dreamcoat. When they returned the coat all stabbed up and bloody?

Right. Well, that story was when the guy, when he was about to get executed, that was at the Pharaoh's birthday party. Right. Okay, so they were like, so birthdays are bad. Because of that? Yeah. And the only other birthday party I talked about was when John the Baptist got his head cut off. That celebrated too? That was at

Herod's birthday. So birthdays are bad because they found the three incidents or two incidences in the fucking Bible where it's like, well, birthdays mean you're going to get your pretty clothes all covered in fake blood and your brothers are going to be told that you're dead. And the other one, what was the other one?

King Herod. Yeah, birthdays are bad because your head cut off. Right. Well, that's what you tell kids. I mean, what else are you going to tell them? To scare the fuck out of them? No, I think that's perfect. Oh, no.

I mean, I remember seeing in books pictures of the great day of Armageddon and children. Like, there's, like, children in the pictures dying. Like, if you're a kid and you don't, you know, whatever, if you don't repent, you're going to die too. I thought Catholicism was bad. But this is far worse than a Catholicism because it's in English. But this is far worse than a Catholicism because it's in English. There's no cryptic weird wizards and strange smoking orbs being swung about. This is just in plain English.

Birthdays are bad because you lose your fucking head. Christmas is bullshit. Let's celebrate him getting strung up. Yes. Is there a hell in this fucking fantasy? They do not believe in an eternal hellfire, no. So what happens if you don't get into Jehovah Land or whatever?

You die forever. No hope of any kind of afterlife. Well, that seems reasonable. I mean, that's the one reasonable part of the religion. Well, most religions have one reasonable thing, yeah. I like that one. Either you go to heaven or nothing happens Well, no, no, no

You don't go to heaven There's only 144,000 people that get to go to heaven So heaven's filled up? Well, that's the thing Their theology and their predictions Yeah Have been happening since 1914 It was a religion that started in the Great Awakening

In 1914? You've got to watch those ones that are created after 1900. They're always a little flaky. Exactly. So their idea is that, you know, that was the beginning of the end of times and that Armageddon is right around the corner, but you have to tell people that so you can get money and keep people

coming to church. Right. It's always right around the corner. 1914. Was supposed to be the year. And we're 2009 now, so it's like... You know what's amazing? People are still buying that story. Still buying it. Like 100 years?

Jesus Christ, around the corner? I always wondered. That's it. Jesus Christ. It's a definition of an amazing salesman. When you have an apocalyptic preacher who literally tells a congregation of frightened people, the world will end on January 10th in a fiery ball of snakes and horrible things.

And then January 11th comes, he's sort of like, well, you know, I guess it didn't happen this time. But we're going to rethink it. We're going to rethink what we're going to do next. How about the people that tell people to go underground in bunkers? Remember that woman? What did she say the day after that didn't fucking happen? Let's start a mushroom farm.

God told me to start a mushroom farm. It's business time for the Jesus people. I always loved that, too. It was like God is directly communicating with the heads of this organization. Oh, we didn't hear him right. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, God is out. He m heads of this organization. Oh, we didn't hear him right. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, God is out. He mumbled he was eating.

Yeah. The line, the cell phone line was fucked up. Bad connection. He had a cookie in his mouth. Yeah. Is God on AT&T? God's map is all fucked up. God's map is all fucked up.

He's like my mother saying, I don't understand the iPhone. Well, he's really old, so yeah. Yeah, that happens. God's VCR is constantly blinking 12. I want to take the Ten Commandments. What the fuck? Hey, Jesus, can you help me with this? What is it now? Oh, this thing won't work.

I wanted to tape the basketball game and... Jesus, Dad, you're so old. I'm the oldest. I know, Dad. I'm the oldest I know dad you're the oldest can I go hang out with the people now they'll kill you

why do you always gotta fuck up my high dad people are nice they love me fuck you dad I'm going anyway cut to Jehovah's Witnesses celebrating the death of Christ People are nice. They love me. Fuck you, Dad. I'm going anyway. Cut to Jehovah's Witnesses celebrating the death of Christ.

Jerry Minor, folks. Let's bring out Paul F. Tompkins. Moving on down. Let's bring out this next performer. You know him from the Best Week Ever. And he's also got a show at Largo tomorrow night that is almost sold out. So you can still probably wedge your way in. Paul F. Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.

Paul F. Tompkins. Is this mic working all right? Do you hear people on this mic? Can you hear this? Is everything good in the booth? I'm the person talking on this mic working all right? Do you hear people on this mic? Can you hear this bottom of this mic? Is everything good in the booth? I'm the person talking on this mic. Thank you. They want a little more in the room, as they say. Got to get a little more in the monitor.

This guy played a little passive-aggressive over there. It could be louder. So you're back here, man? I'm back in Los Angeles, yes. See, we lived in New York at the same time for a year, and we saw each other once. Are you happy to be back? How's that? I'm very happy to be back.

What happened? I didn't enjoy New York. Really? I did not enjoy living there, no. I think it's for young people who don't know when a city is trying to crush them. And I sort of get the pride people have in living in New York, because if you didn't have pride in living there, you'd be a terrible fool like why else why else would you live there you know what i mean yeah the city's trying to fucking kill me but i'm still here you have to say with pride because if

you say it like this the city's trying to kill me and i'm still here like you would it's the same idea but you look dumb yeah you know you see people slowly get crud but New Yorkers have that weird I've never been in a more polite helpful city like people will if someone goes down people are around they're helping people out but it's just because it fucks up

the rhythm of things it's not because they care so much that like you know if there's a trouble they want to get it solved so they can get on their way kind of deal. Yes, absolutely. And also people are like, you have this amazing

sort of invisible boundary that's like steel. Like when you ride a train, you know, this is one thing that started to really fuck me up. You know that every morning you're going to be this close

to a fucking stranger. Like this, like this. And you're going to smell his hair. You're going to see his pimples. You're going to hear him talking to himself. stranger. Like this, like this. And you're going to smell his hair. You're going to see his pimples. You're going to hear him talking to himself. You can hear the fucking music he's listening to. And you have to be good with that. You have to be like, I'm okay with this.

I was not okay with that. That was the problem, was that I could not let go of things like saying excuse me. I could not let go of saying it or of hearing it. So when I would be coming up out of the subway and people are just just like slamming into you like i got i got like i got body checked by an old woman who was as tall as this table right and she was she was in a hurry and she was going down the street she fucking slams right into me and keeps walking and i'm still like after almost a full year would still do something like this excuse me

i could not let go of it i could not let go of because i realized like oh no no no that's a part of humanity you have to get rid of and i felt like i wasn't ready to uh you're part of an organism you're part of a large body of cells. A faulty one. A faulty one, though. Like one that, like... The idea of you saying that with your bow tie on and the whole get up. Oh, yeah.

It's spectacular. Oh, no. Excuse me. That was not lost on me. I might as well have had a monocle. Yeah, of course. I beg your pardon. Yeah.

Here's the moment I realized I had to leave New York. I was on a train sitting with other people. And there was a guy sleeping on a train. But he had taken his shoes off. He was wearing no shirt. Oh, so he was in for the night. Yeah, he was in for the night. And it was morning.

It was morning. Oh, sure. And everybody on the train is just minding their own business and and this was the thought that i had isn't everybody wonderfully tolerant not like that is fucked up there's a guy sweeping on the train what kind of city do we live in i was like this is cool this is new yorkers just being new yorkers hanging out with the guy sweeping on the train i had lost my empathy right i was completely and i was and then the following day i got on the train and i fucking hated everybody well i mean it is that moment and it can happen it can happen anywhere where you are you know like you're standing outside

in line for a movie and then later you're saying to someone oh then this homeless guy came up to us you know he's bugging us in line for the movie. Well, you're kind of burying the lead there. The lead is, oh, this person didn't have a home. And was begging for food. Like, that's the real part of the story. Not that you were inconvenienced in line to see 2012. I'm going to rearrange the show.

Eddie, you're in the batter's box. Because I'm concerned about your future. Pepitone, are you ready if I want you now? Yes, I'm here. I know, but she can come out after you. I just don't want you to sit there like festering backstage in an Eddie Pepitone-like way. I want you to do it out here in front of people, not behind inside of yourself giving yourself cancer. So let's Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Eddie Peppertone.

No, he's going to stand up. He's going to... Eddie needs his space. You want to come around here? Come around here and talk to me, buddy. Oh, man. You know, first of all, I'm hearing people trash New York out here. That was them.

And I got to tell you... It was them. No, I know, I know. And I just don't like it. I don't like it because New York is my home. And it's where I was cut like a diamond.

I... No, I mean... I was cut by all the people and the pain and the slashing and the subways. I used to get on the subways in fear because when I used to get on the subways, and still to this day when I get on the subways, I never know, and this is the great thing about the subway, you don't know if you're going to get murdered because there's nowhere to go. And if you have claustrophobia, which I developed later in life, I developed claustrophobia. I do not know why.

I used to be able to run like Seabiscuit or feel like Seabiscuit in an elevator. But there was a point, and I don't know if you ever felt this, but I would get on an elevator and I would panic. I was gripped by panic, and that's what New York did to me. It made me a fearful, fearful person. And people who trash New York don't respect fear. You know what I mean? Oh, let's go to L fucking A. Oh, there's no, by the way, this is a very fearful,

but you know where LA rivals New York? It rivals it on the goddamn highways. Yes, no, yes, New York is fucked up. You got to take a subway with 3 billion people, their armpits and all that. But how about getting on the 405 any time of the day and you're Googling and map questioning. You can't avoid it this time. You have to go down the 405 because you don't want to snake into L.A. see me underbelly by the airport, those fucking neighborhoods what is Florence what is Manchester

nobody fucking knows especially in this area where they just run back and forth between birds and lapu bell right they just run back that's all everybody and that's another thing New York has so much character la has like little streets of character like when i first got here it was like oh you gotta check out franklin between bronson and tamarin what a fucking stretch oh there's like three fucking it's got such a city vibe it was so pathetic i saw william macy eating pizza right next door that little pizzeria the place no one remember what's the name of it's good pizza what pretzels pretzels i saw william macy william macy eating pizza there with this fucking kid. It was disgustingly sad because there was no foot traffic. It was just Bill Macy, star of stage.

You see celebrities out here and you just want to go get to a city. Get to a real city. Craig Ferguson was eating there tonight. I saw him off. How fucked up is that? How fucked up is that? How fucked up is that? And by the way, I don't approve of Ferguson. Because, no, I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why. Where's he from? Scotland? Where's he from? Who gives a shit? Let's say it's Scotland. It's all the same. Let's say it's Scotland.

You don't see a guy from Brooklyn going, Hello, welcome to late night in Scotland why do we have a guy going oh hello welcome to CBS I don't want to turn that I'm not xenophobic whatever that means no no no

no I have trouble with language because I'm a man of the heart I fucking and that's because I live in man of the heart. I fucking... And that's because I live in fear created by New York. I live in fear created by living in a city that had much too many

violent people. And I am... Yes, what? It's Christmas. It's Christmas! It's Christmas! My Christmas memory... I'll tell you my biggest Christmas memory my mother was manic depressive

so her moping let's just call it moping she used to mope that's a nice way of putting it she was hospitalized constantly thank God she's dead so anyway my mother and I know that's not right, Eddie.

That's your mother. Come on. Come on. Come on. Our families are nothing but albatrosses. Nothing but albatrosses. I mean, you have, living with the same people for more than four years is horrible stuff. Horrible stuff.

Familiarity breeds contempt. You know all those sayings. Read Robinson Crusoe or whatever books you can get on Kindle. And I don't even know what Kindle is. Do you? I have no idea. I hope I get coffee out of this. I like the what the fuck coffee.

But let me tell you something. My earliest memories of Christmas, my mother moping around wanting to kill herself with the electronic shit that was always on the christmas tree wanting to like put the lights in her mouth or whatever and i got drunk on haagen-dazs liqueur how bad is that i was in a numb numb numb state jingle bell jingle jingle bells with my mother wandering from room to room wandering from room to room going son

son when I'm in the hospital when you call me it's like a little visit and that's my earliest Christmas she used to say that to me all the time hey Eddie you want a cookie? I'm all for sugar and flour

and this is what I'm going to talk about now is the whole life process the whole life process we all disintegrate and die we're all disintegrating now yes we're sharing a couple of laughs. But I am trying to look good lately because I want praise. I love when I walk in a room.

Take it. Take it. How's it feel? I love when I walk in a room and people go, you look great. And I go, that's because I'm denying myself pleasure. Constantly. And it's such a hard thing. I used to smoke pot all the time. And that's great because if a bad news item comes on, which there's nothing but,

you're just, instead of getting horrified by a bad news item with pot, you're just like, low, right by a bad news item with pot you're just like it doesn't matter what the news story is I always dance the lowrider in my head if I am stoned but But now, since I want to cut out sugar and flour and be sober, oh, I'm sober. I am completely sober because I want to be completely present for the horror that is 2009 America. Right? What the fuck? I have all my friends now watching a show called Jersey Fucking Shore. What is this? You shouldn't hate New York.

You should hate Jersey. That's what you should hate. That fucking shit. But anyway, I'm denying myself pleasure. I don't fucking eat flour. I don't have sugar. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I just walk around going,

um, um, um. And it's hard. That's the angry um. It's the angry um. Yeah. I think it's supposed to be like, um. Oh, that's maybe where I'm missing it.

Merry Christmas to you. You feel good? Eddie Peppertone. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for getting me out early. That was great. Anybody else? In about two hours,

Eddie will email me saying, was it okay? Was it okay? Was it okay? But no, but he was great. He's always great. Eddie Peppertone's always great. Sarah, was it okay? Was it okay? But no, he was great. He's always great. Eddie Pepitone's always great. Sarah, are you there? Are you bringing your guitar out first?

I know. Okay, you ruined the surprise. Now it's all me. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman! Sarah Silverman! You know, we all have insecurities, and it's maybe something to embrace after a while, you know, something that doesn't make us different, it makes us the same.

Whether it's a chip on our shoulder, or not feeling like we're enough, or bragging. I was backstage here. Sometimes people brag, and it's like sad. It's like I was walking out of the bathroom, and another comic was walking in. We were like, hey, hey, and he goes, hey, are you okay? The last time I saw you, you seemed kind of bummed out.

And I was like, oh, my God, thank you so much. No, I'm fine. You know, life isn't all rainbows and lollipops. And he said, you know what? And I said, what? And he said, mine is. I'll tell you why New York is good. Insecurity wise It made me humble right away Like day one because I was walking down the street

And some guys whistled at me And I turned around and I was like And they go not you So I learned to appreciate I learned to appreciate And um Some people like I learned to appreciate. And some people, like, really, their insecurity is a, saves them. Because it's, like, their way that they're surviving that they don't really see themselves.

Like, they're not really seeing. Like, you get the feeling that if they were, like, a degree or two more onto themselves, they'd kill themselves. You know what I mean? Say a woman when she was 19 was smoking hot, just crazy. Now she's a little older. Say she's a little older. She's 39.

Not quite as hot. She's not as hot. But she doesn't realize that because she's just, she's always just, she looks out, you know. Okay, so she'd be like, this is how she would protect herself, would be like, oh my God, it's so weird. Because when I was 19, when I was like 19, there were so many official pussy inspectors. You never see them anymore. You never see them.

Fucking computers. Computers took over. We spent so much time thinking if we should, if we could, we don't think if we... Oh, here it goes. If you call yourself a diva, you better be a singer. Fuck you. Let's start over. If you call... I'm not a good guitarist.

If you call yourself a diva, you better be a singer. Why? You better be, you better be a singer. And not somebody cutting me in line If you call yourself a diva You better sing a solo And not be someone treating me unkind oh i know what i did wrong if you call yourself a diva it better be for reals and not some sad pathetic kind of front

kind of front. If you're selfish and you're thoughtless and you're broken and you're heartless, you're probably not a diva, you're a cunt. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt,

cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, Is that from Good Time? That'd be great. Sarah Silverman, is that called the cunt song? Everyone wants to say that word. They just rarely have opportunity without making someone cry. That is an insane theory

all the way around. Everybody wants to say that word. They just never have the opportunity. I never get around to it. Yeah. Who has the time? Well, if we were in England... Sure. If we were in England... Sure.

If we were in England, I could say, Paul, you fucking cunt. Why'd you do that? That's right. And I could be the prime minister. And it's fine. Yeah, and it's hilarious. Yeah.

How's your Chanukah? I don't know. I think it's over. No, tonight's the last night. I've been informed. Oh, oh, oh. Good, then. I don't have...

I have no religion or family or people. I don't either. I only feel Jewish because of the people who aren't Jewish that are around. And it bothers me when the whole thing about Jews, when Christmas time comes around, they go, is that we killed Jesus. Just whatever.

It's not like we killed the baby Jesus. It wasn't baby Jesus. It was a grown man. Jerry's people celebrate the whole Jesus killing thing. Try to. Yeah. Really? Yeah, they love his witness. They love Jesus. Well, they tried to kill him. Yeah. No, we didn't. They did. What I've always said is like

maybe we're involved. It's unclear, but you should fucking quit complaining because you should thank the Jews for killing Jesus. First of all, if we didn't kill Jesus. I do. There's no story. One, there's no story. Two, he'd end up being like on his third marriage, on Adam Carolla's podcast, or like on doing like the Hollywood Squares.

It's like if Anne Frank lived, it would be a nightmare. She'd be like loud and opinionated And she'd be on every game show And she'd be like the wacky cameo In movies and TV for like a stretch And people would actually say Not fucking Anne Frank again How much of her bullshit

Do we have to put up with? I get it, she lived Oh Christ, Jesus is on TV again much of her bullshit do we have to put up with? I get it. She lived. Oh, Christ. Jesus is on TV again. When is that guy gonna show his fucking pie hole? That's how I feel about Maya Angelou. Another poem? I didn't know for her shit.

Bullshit. Maya Angelou. More like it. Another poem? I didn't know for her shit. Bullshit. Why, Angela? More like it. I'd high-five you. I don't want to get you sick. I don't even know if you touched me. No, I don't think I... I'm not sick anymore.

I mean, I'm not carrying. I'm a carrier. Ugh. Is there anything that stops sickness? Do you guys know of anything that actually works to stop sickness? Death. I was thinking more in terms of something ridiculous like oregano oil.

Yes, oregano oil, olive leaf. Oregano oil and olive leaf. Did you do that? Yes. So it doesn't fucking work. Well, I... Exactly. Nothing works.

Nobody would ever be sick if something worked. Purell, wash your hands all the time. Put hot salt water, gargle it, take a Q-tip. Hate the game, not the player. Put it in your nostrils. I got the sinus squisher thing. Everyone keeps telling me to get a neti pot, which I'm not going to do.

What? Absolutely everybody. My God. Those are good. Dana wants me to get a neti pot. I talked to her about it the other day. And then, but I got the squeeze bottle.

You did that? I did it hours ago. You fill it up with lukewarm water and salt solution and you hold one nostril and you go and then you pull it up and then it comes out the other one.

And it's like a trick. You're almost like doing magic for yourself. You're like, I never knew I could do this. And it's coming out this one, and you're coughing it up at the same time. It's such a racket, because they've got us convinced that, no, this is good. We're drowning ourselves in front of a mirror.

It's going to work. It's going to work. I'm sorry you're sick, Sarah. Are you traveling at all this time of year? I'm going to New York City tomorrow morning if the flight doesn't get canceled. Why would it get canceled? Because, oh, it's gonna snow like fuck there?

Neti Pot! Blizzard! Give me a bunch of neti pots on the tarmac. That's... People slide down the slide just to dump water in their nose they're going to drop from the overhead we're dying

let's make sure our sinuses are clean right now it's my pleasure for this Christmas podcast I know a lot of people are listening probably Christmas morning after they're wandering around their homes, disappointed, hearing, you know, rapping, crumbling under their feet, going, that's not what I fucking wanted. That they're looking for a little dose of the poet Jim Earl,

ladies and gentlemen, with a Christmas poem. Thank you so very much. It is a great honor being here at this special Christmas podcast of Mark Maron. This is a poem for Christians. The rest of you can just go fuck off. I mean, you know, in a respectful way. It was a night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, except Uncle Herbie, whose pathetic life at most

is an omelet of darkness on top of bleak toast. Anyway, it seems Uncle Herbie had been up all night celebrating the loss of one more day in his life. He drank past his limit, cramming food down his throat until his kidneys did bleed and his liver did bloat. In his stomach sat a big ball of gluten, while the pores on his face looked like cheese they were a-sputin'. His colon did kink, buckle, and shudder, while it oozed a substance much like butter. Oh yeah, herbs a sleazeball, but wait, there's much more. His son's a pusher, his mother a whore. And all through the night, as his stomach did gurgle,

he dreamt of a neighbor's freezer to burgle. While snowflakes did fall to the wonderment of all, as the spirit of Yuletide filled hearts big and small. That being said, Herb put a bag on his head, making his penis turn blue and his neck get all red. head, making his penis turn blue and his neck get all red. In the morning, the tots were a shudder to find him alone. Just he and his cheese puffs, one hand on his bone. Just then, through the hallway, Santa did skulk, dragging behind him his big bag of bulk. He laid down the presents one by one, a pile of sawdust,

a whole wheat bun, a bucket of bran, and when he was done, Herbie was dead. A vessel broke or something and Santa was taken downtown for questioning. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Thank you, Jim. So, you know. So you come down here, and how long before your wife got sick?

You know, I noticed her getting sick during playing tennis, which is weird. We're playing tennis back and forth, and she wasn't moving as quick as she was. I said, what's the matter? And she said, my legs hurt. I have pains in my legs. So we went to the doctor. It was a thing called neuropathy, which meant that her immune system was really low and fucked up. It was causing nerve damage in her body.

That was the beginning of it. It was the beginning of such a long and fucking painful deterioration. It was a slow, fucked up time for me, you know, back then. How long did that take? I think she started getting sick. I think it was about a five-year period of slow deterioration and then, like, these rapid fucked up... She had pneumonia, like, 15 times.

You know, she was in the hospital and she was given her last rites a few times and survived it and then came back. It was just a brutal, brutal time. And you were her primary caregiver? I was her caregiver. At some point in there, Mark, it clicked in me that this – like I never thought of leaving her. Like I never even considered it.

I don't of leaving her. Like I never even considered it. I don't, you know, and today it's the greatest decision I've made. It's made me, it's the greatest thing I've ever done was care for my wife. You know, I'll never do anything that great again. Fucking HBO specials, whatever you want to give me. Nothing will be better than that because it was such a deep reckoning within myself that i am not a piece of shit you know that i don't deserve to stick needles in my arm you know i i am a good person look what i'm capable of yeah capable of of deep love and commitment you know yeah and um you know i i just that was my whole life was taking care of her

and there were a lot of laughs were you there when she died yeah i was my whole life, was taking care of her. And there were a lot of laughs. Were you there when she died? Yeah, I was there. Actually, I was not in the room when she died. Never left her side. That particular night, her mother had been in town the night she died, and her mother wanted to stay with her alone. And I left her there, and I went home, and that's the night that she passed away. So I kind of, you know, it's not a very big deal to me i know what

i did for her and having to be there right at the sure sure i remember that you shared a story once about taking the motorcycle right yeah what the story it goes and i'll i'll do it because it's a little bit longer than i'd like you know um during her last days she was in the hospice yeah i had just gotten a har, my first Harley. I saw you drive up on one. Yeah, I rode up on one today. I love motorcycles. And she wanted to, well, she came out and saw it, and she got upset.

She was angry at me. And she went back inside all pissed off. So I'm like, and this gay dude that worked there gets a whole another group of fucking people that without them i wouldn't be alive gay men fucking saved my ass too like how's that just through a you know the all the aids organizations all all all run by gays the hospices the nurses were all gay guys just they got some deep you know well of love within them it's just incredible you know and and like my friends when i'm gonna go my neighborhood hey frank i have hiv was that a cable channel they

wouldn't know what the fuck it is you know yeah that kind of thing do you think they would ostracize you even if they did know what it was i don't know uh well i got one friend who who's actually a made guy a gangster yeah we're're still best friends since we're children. He knows all about it. He would do research for me and call me, Mike, I'm reading about this thing. Oh, really? Yeah.

So the stereotype of that world is also, they're human beings too. Some of them are just violent. You know what that is. But anyway, so I learned so much about stuff. And so she goes inside and she was pissed off that i had the motorcycle so this guy this gay guy i forget his name let's call him bill i says she i said why is she so mad at me he goes well she just feels like you're moving on with your

life and you don't love her anymore like you have this motorcycle and i you and he said you don't need her anymore like that was a strange thing. And I realized how much I did need her. I loved her. She was my best friend. And so what I did was I went home and I brought some of my work shirts back to the hospice. And I brought them into her room and said, where were you working? I was working for the health department.

I was an educator, a health educator. I'd go out and do condom demonstrations. That's how I started comedy, too. We'll get into that after. How I realized how funny I was with the most brutal shit. So I bring these shirts, these work shirts into her, and she was Sicilian. So I said, Franny, my shirts are a fucking mess.

I need you to iron them for me. She got all, fuck you, I'm in a hospice. You know, like what? So I left. I come back 20 minutes later. All the shirts are ironed. You know, she got up. And then she's like, where's the motorcycle?

Now she's excited about it. And that guy was right. She just wanted to know that I still needed her, like I loved her. You know what I mean? Like people aren't dying. They don't know they're dying. They feel feel i'm alive dying is an event they pass away at one moment up until that moment they are alive and they want to be loved and they want to give yeah and share you know yeah in that case so so you want now she wants to see that i take her out she wants to

sit on it i put her on it she just wants to start it up now she's wearing fucking a paper dress you know essentially yeah she's got her morphine pole next to her and she's sitting on this harley and i'm worried about her burning her freaking lego so i'm she says can you just take me for a little ride around the parking lot i'm like no i can't i'm thinking what the fuck you got a drip iv with yeah and then it just hit me i'm like no you have to yeah like you're in this moment you have to do this motorcycle ride yeah you know and it's dangerous and what if she falls and you know what if i one day i'm telling the story of my wife she almost died of aids but then i've killed her on my harley she fell off and

banged her fucking head that's how she head. That's a fucked up story. You know, that's when I realized, you know, fuck it. Fuck, of course. So I'm riding around the hospice parking lot, and then my friend comes barreling in this van, who's a cripple in a wheelchair, laughing.

What are you doing? I said, I'm riding Franny around. Franny's like, can we just go out on the street a little bit? Where's the morphine drip? Is she holding it? She's holding the pole. Mark, it was a pole with four wheels on the bottom. And we're riding around this hospice.

You could hear the goddamn wheels changeling and banging. It was insane. And then I passed the front door. And all these nurses are standing out front. And they're all crying. They're watching us. And they're fucking crying. And I watching us and they're fucking crying. And I didn't know why they were crying.

I was like, why are they crying? I didn't get what they were seeing. Yeah. I didn't know because I was just in it. I was living it. I knew my wife who had suffered the suffering that she had been through in her life. She was a prostitute. She was a fucking heroin addict.

She was beaten by fucking pimps. This is her past. been through in her life she was a prostitute she was a fucking heroin addict you know she was beaten by fucking pimps and this is her past you know yeah and and then she ends up with this aids and she's dying and all she wants is a fucking ride on my motorcycle you know what a gift you know so next thing you know we're on i-95 because women it's never enough for them we're on 95 she's got she unhooks the fucking pole and she's holding the morphine bag over her head yeah with her gown on that's flying up and yes you could see her entire fucking naked bony body yeah with the morphine bag whipping in the wind and i'm drunk and we're passing by these guys in their lamborghinis and shit and i'm looking at

i'm like what the fuck how do these people yeah what are you doing what kind of life are you living look at me i'm the i'm on top of the world here and uh you know that was the last thing i did with her you know and you know i feel so blessed and lucky like you know what i mean yeah i feel like that was you can't ask for a better moment yeah in a memory than that you know so yeah it's heavy man it's heavy, man. Yeah, it's beautiful stuff, you know, and it's what we all, you know, the biggest things that we're afraid of really can be the most beautiful

if you're looking right in the fucking eye and you don't flinch because there's something really beautiful behind it, you know? Aside from saying Merry Christmas, I'd like to give people a heads up that Mike

DiStefano passed away four months after that interview. It was sad, but I'm certainly glad I got to talk to him. We'll have a new episode on Thursday with Mike Marcus and Dr. Steve, and then next week on New Year's Day we'll spend the day with my family.

Okay? All right. All right. Boomer lives! We'll be right back. can't get snowballs on Uber Eats, but meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Calgary is a city built by innovators. Innovation is in the city's DNA, and it's with this pedigree that bright minds and future-thinking problem solvers are tackling some of the world's greatest challenges from right here in Calgary. From cleaner energy, safe and secure food, efficient movement of goods and people, and better health solutions, Calgary's visionaries are turning heads around the globe,

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