WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 912 - Drew Carey

Episode Date: May 2, 2018

Drew Carey was in a bad place. After losing his dad at a young age, suffering through anxiety and depression in high school, confused by the pressures of religion, Drew made a rash decision when he was in college. But it was comedy that pulled him out of the abyss. Drew tells Marc how he figured it all out, plus some talk about Cleveland (The Indians! Ghoulardi! The Cuyahoga River Fire!) and why hosting The Price is Right wound up being the perfect job for him. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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because those are groceries and we deliver those too along with your favorite restaurant food alcohol and other everyday essentials order uber eats now for alcohol you must be legal drinking age please enjoy responsibly product availability varies by region see app for details all right let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fuck sticks what the fuck minster fullers that's a classic what's happening i'm mark maron this is my podcast wtf it's a classic. What's happening? I'm Mark Maron. This is my podcast, WTF. It's a show that you listen to on your device or your computer, and you can do it through earbuds or headphones, or you can listen to it right out of the speakers on whatever your, you know what it is.

I'm back from Europe. Been back a couple days now. By the way, Drew Carey is on the show, and it was a whopper. Yeah, it's a big talk, and I had no idea. I had no idea about anything about that guy, and he just wanted to come by, and it was great. I'd met him once before,

but you just never know. I don't. I don't know about you, but I never know. And it was great. we had some laughs i learned some stuff uh there was some inspiration to it it was a great talk and i was happy to meet him and i'm happy to be back home uh what have i missed since i last talked to you oh michelle wolf i think did a great job sticking it to the man sticking it to the man yeah i don't know what the backlight there's no backlash it's just a bunch of uh bunch of press idiots threw her under the bus

out of fear for their own goddamn connections among other things and then there of course was the predictable uh right who are a bunch of uh of self-proclaimed uh victims for people that uh complain about a welfare state or treating uh people who the less fortunate with any respect whatsoever boy do they do the fucking victim thing yeah real sad sacks a lot of them just real thin-skinned what a bunch of cowards cowards and babies armies of them armies of cowards and babies so back from europe look i travel a lot and i was just on the road for two weeks and um i was with sarah the painter a lovely time but uh just between us i mean do you like um

do you how do you shit on the road? I mean, is it, I'm sorry, this is unnecessary maybe, but does your body naturally hold back what's in it when you're not at home? I mean, I find this even when I travel myself, but, but, uh, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, uh, a lot happened when i got back after two and a half weeks or however long as i got i don't know if it's a normal consequence of traveling or maybe that i i'm inherently a colon shy i don't know i don't know what the story is i don't know if this is a common uh situation but uh but it happened to me i guess i'm just i'm just can i get a witness i think is is where i'm at with this i am i unusual um i know i am i know and i know this is not breakfast talk or table talk or even necessarily podcast talk not this

podcast but it was on my mind i never really noticed it as much as i did this time and then again i was traveling with uh sarah i wanted to keep something mysterious. You know, you cross a line with intimacy where there's no mystery anymore and it's more comfortable, but it's all out there. You know what I mean? So maybe my insides are saying, you know what, let's keep this a secret for a little while longer, all of this. Let's not go all out. But I did have a lovely time. I'm happy to be home. I think it sounds pretty good right now, and I think this garage is really starting to work out.

I've been having longer conversations in here. It feels like more consistently than I was at the old place. And this kid, Julian, who I had hand build me some sound platforms, and Adam just built me some stuff, and he built it. It's got a nice homemade feel to it, but they look good,

and they sort of encase me in these platforms that he built, and I think they're working, and I kind of like it in here. I don't know. I'm glad I do. I didn't know if it was going to happen, but I'm glad I do. So I get home, immediately start worrying. The jet lag's been kind of fucked up, but then I woke up.

Today, and La Fonda is having a hard time peeing. Then I'm finding puddles of bloody pee everywhere, and there's blood here and there. I don't know how long it's going on for. I was away for two weeks. I asked a guy who was staying at my house if he noticed anything she's been a little crying a bit but it was just all i don't know today she waited to to get this ill till this morning and i took her in and you know put her through that she's a 14 year old cat she's a little cat and you know i gotta get her in the box, which is a fucking nightmare.

And hopefully it's just a bladder infection. That's where we're at. But the drama of getting a cat to a vet, me stressing out, me knowing they're getting old. You know, they've been so happy over here at the new house, you know. And then the vet said something to Sarah about how when you leave, it's like they go through like a horrendous grief. It's very stressful, and I was away for two weeks. And, you know, I can't. You know, I've. You can't just build your life completely around the cats.

You know, you got to go out and live, and I learned that a long time ago. But it's, you know, it's sort of sad, and I hope she's going to be okay. Thank you. I'm not asking for hopes and prayers prayers or anything but she seems all right she's a little loopy but i'll let you know that's what happened today it was stressful but i'm okay i'm back in town got some new sound panels going everything's all right watched a rat lumber across my uh yard yesterday. I just saw this little guy, like a little, look like a torpedo going through the grass in my front yard. I was

probably about 30, 40 feet away. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I run over and I just watched this rat kind of move through the yard and look for a place to go into the house around the side and the walls walls didn't look like he lived there it looked like he was on his i don't know he didn't seem well it was daytime and i followed him and he looked at me i looked at him he didn't seem that there was an urgency there and that usually means that's a sick fucking rat a rat with no urgency is a sick rat there's a quotable here's another one that i wrote down for some reason uh there's too much to watch you know when people say that about tv and what's on streaming and everything too much to watch i think is today's version of there's nothing on think about it

maybe it works maybe it doesn't drew Drew Carey is a nice guy. He's a funny guy. He's a guy that's got a hell of a job in show business. He's the host of The Price is Right, which is still on weekdays at 11 a.m. on CBS forever, and it will be forever. And we get up to that point. We talk about how he got that gig.

But I was completely surprised with this chat, and I really enjoyed it, and I think he did too. We had some laughs. He's a laugher. This is me and Drew. ice tea ice cream or just plain old ice yes we deliver those goaltenders no but chicken tenders yes because those are groceries and we deliver those too along with your favorite restaurant food alcohol and other everyday essentials order uber eats now for alcohol you must be legal drinking age please enjoy responsibly product availability varies by region see app for details are you self-employed don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, cyber attack, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you.

That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit Zensurance today to get a free quote. Zensurance, mind your business. Gary. I'm trying to remember the first time I met you, and I think it was an Alex Bennett show, a remote Alex Bennett show. Oh, wow. Yeah, in San Francisco. At a bar. Yeah, at a bar or something. I remember it was really crowded.

It was like Darkwood Place with booths. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like a place where we put peanuts on the floor. But that weird thing when you do the radio in the morning at the place, everyone's eating like full dinners. Yeah. There's always like this weird buffet of food. It's like 7 in the morning, and people you know like stew and chili and nachos and

burgers it was what the rest it was what the place had to offer right right and for some reason when you're doing morning radio you're sort of like this is the way we live i remember dinner now i remember people were drinking beer sure of course at 10 in the morning right because you were probably commenting on it i'm like really is this happening you're i was that was weird yeah but like i i i mean christ you're you like that was a long time ago that must have been like 91 92 probably still on the air i think he's on serious oh okay oh another thing i have to tell tell you is i got to apologize for something that you probably don't remember i was if have to go through that step, are you in the program? I am, but it's not that big of a deal.

It's not one of those. I'm in the program, but this is not. Do you want to do the seventh step where you do your resentment towards me? It's the ninth step, I think. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's not one of those. But years ago, I'm pretty sure you're at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Okay.

And you were there and you had a room. And I want to think, I believe it was Rich Jenny that was down in the bar and I was talking to him. And he was talking to this girl who was with a dude. And then I don't know how it happened or what transpired. I'm pretty sure it was Jenny. That's possible, right? You guys were friends. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, but whatever the fact is, is that you had people up in your room and it was like a very small gathering, you know, like, and I brought these two kids up like this girl and this dude, you know, who you didn't know. And I knew in my mind, I'm like, I don't know how many people are going to be up there. Why am I in it? who you didn't know. And I knew in my mind, I'm like, I don't know how many people are going to be up there. And when I brought them up there,

it was clear that it was just you and Rich and maybe Rick Messina or somebody. And I brought these strangers into your room. And it was one of those moments where you're just looking at me like, what's happening? Did I? Why are these people here? Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

It was my fault. No, I should have been more welcoming if that was the case. No, but it wasn't that big a party. And I know what that's like to have just sort of like, who brought these? Why are these fans just in here looking for drugs? Were they not that cool? Is that what it was? Well, yeah, they were just clearly just civilians.

Oh, okay. I mean, if sometimes you bring civilians to a place and if they're super cool, then you're glad they were brought. Right. I'm so glad you brought these fun people. But if you brought a couple of duds. Well, they were just there. An apology accepted. Yeah.

Okay. That's what I apologize for bringing the duds. Anybody who's listening, it's totally fine, I think, to bring like an uninvited. I mean, not all of it, but for a casual thing. You know, where there's only so many seats. Sure. Bring an uninvited thing, but just better make sure they're cool. Like if I showed up right now and I said, hey, I know it's supposed to be you and me,

but look, Mick Jagger was hanging out with me. You don't mind if he comes in, right? And you were like, hey, dude, it was just you and me. What are you bringing fucking Mick Jagger for? You know, who's the asshole then? Yeah, me. Yeah. I'd be the asshole. Not Mick Jagger. No. you know yeah who's the asshole then yeah me yeah i'd be the asshole not mick jagger no

so like let's let's i want to talk about um like the the journey man i mean you've been around a long time i know the story i need to ask real quick because i heard a rumor about you and i want to know if it's true sure uh like the day before you were supposed to shoot the pilot of your television show did you shave your head oh it wasn't the your head? Oh, it wasn't the day before. It was, no, it wasn't the pilot. I had already been on the Drew Carey show. It was like the, I was about to start the second season. Oh, okay.

Because I was still living in my apartment in Hollywood above. I lived a block up from the Rock and Roll Ralphs. Oh, yeah. I lived in an apartment there. Where is that, Western? Right by Fuller and like on Sunset, Rock sunset rock by down the street from uh the guitar center oh yeah okay so people call it the rock and roll ralphs yeah and the one side street is called

fuller and i lived at fuller and whatever the cross street was there was a fuller something apartment yeah so i lived in dice clay's old apartment really yeah i lived in dice clay's old room in crest hill well I was glad that I had he had a third floor apartment at this place I actually talked about it how did you get just coincidentally oh coincidence yeah because they said when I was gonna rent it out yeah I said oh dice clay used to live in this apartment and I was like okay but I guess it was like a lucky place to live uh-huh you know yeah because you know worked out for, it worked out for Dice. It worked out for me. Yeah. And I had a lot of good times in that apartment. But I was living there.

And so I remember a picture that I had of me with my head shaved. And I don't know why. I just felt like shaving my head for, I don't know, I don't want to see how it looked or something. Yeah. Right before you were supposed to shoot? Well, it was like a month before. Oh, okay.

It was like during the summer break. Okay. And I shaved my head and it just didn't grow back fast enough so even though i had this short crew cut haircut it was too short it's still too short and i had to get a wig made like i was i came back i was like man my hair's not growing back so they had a production i had to like send me to a wig maker and make me a wig that was short drew carrie wig yeah it was just a real drag, man, the whole thing. But I was like, that was the day before.

I'm not Britney Spears. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's what was going on in my mind. I'm like, what happened that day? Paparazzi were chasing me. I couldn't take it. You just lost it.

That was the day Drew lost it. But so Cleveland, I appreciate Cleveland a little more than I used to. Yeah. Because there's like on that one block. Yeah, you do? Yeah. There's that one block that has some good restaurants on it. Yeah, that's the one thing, though, that bugs me about.

They do have like this one. It's right across the street from Hilarity's. Like, to be fair. Isn't it Hilarity's? Is that the club? To be fair, it's like two the street from Hilarity's. Like to be fair. Isn't it Hilarity's? Is that the club? To be fair, it's like two or three blocks. Okay. Right.

But it's like this one section. Is it 3rd Street or 6th Street? Yeah, 3rd Street. Yeah, right around there. I can't remember. Yeah, like the Greenhouse Tavern? Yeah. Excellent.

All around there. But then you walk out of Euclid after that and you'll see a building like boarded up. Yeah. There's a hotel I stayed at across the street in this old atrium building. And obviously- Oh, you stayed there? Yeah. The idea in this old atrium building and obviously you stayed there yeah the idea was my building's cool isn't it it's a cool building but whatever was supposed to happen there didn't work out right yeah the the attempt to revitalize that mall didn't quite catch on it was never no there was never an honest attempt no well even when i was growing up that was like the it was always like that my whole life growing up yeah it's like four stores in there because it's like first of all it's an old place it's a pretty old Well, even when I was growing up, that was like the, it was always like that my whole life growing up. Yeah.

It's like four stores in there. Cause it's like, first of all, it's an old place. It's a pretty old place. It's cool. Yeah. But it's not, you have to be downtown to use it. So, but when you were a kid, you can't just like, Hey, I'm going to this place. I'm going to park and go in and get out. Right.

That's not the vibe of the place. You really have to go. That's the place where you go like to or from after work. But were there stores in there when you were a kid?'s not the vibe of the place. You really have to, that's the place where you go to or from after work. But were there stores in there when you were a kid? There was the same kind of stores. There was these small little- Oh, really?

Yeah, I remember when I was in junior high, I was in Pirates and Penzance at my junior high school. And I had to get- You did theater in high school? Just that one. That was the choir's big, that was his big thing.

Yeah. And I was in band. what'd you play in band trumpet really oh that's good marching band yeah marching band and stage band and so you wore the outfit so you're a musical guy yeah yeah yeah can you still play the trumpet i can play a scale oh really yeah you let it go though and even a chromatic yeah i don't play anything i i really when i was real little i played accordion and i keep threatening to learn accordion again it's a practical instrument you'd be fun it is if you're a comedian sure like there's a lot of guitar there's a few guitar acts out there there's a few left yeah there's a few left there were more back in

the day though they were yeah and i had no problem with them no no i mean do you remember comics used to complain about oh this guy's a guitar act? Guitar act, yeah. But there's a couple of them that were really funny. Yeah. Bob Saget had a guitar act. The Smothers Brothers were a guitar act. Sure.

And I idolized the Smothers Brothers. Right. Well, one of them had a guitar. Right? They both played. Did they? Oh, guitar and a bass. Okay.

Right. That's right. Let's call them a guitar act. Okay, fine. So I don't care what you use as long as you're funny. Judy Tudor used an accordion. No, I think you's right. Let's call him a guitar act. Okay, fine. So there's, I don't care what you use as long as you're funny. I think Judy to do to use an accordion. No, I think you're right.

You know, emo Phillips used to come on stage with the trombone. He didn't play. He just would hold it. Oh, for like the entire one guy. I'm trying to remember this guy's name. I think about him all the time.

I'm blanking on his. I apologize. I hope I can remember wherever you are. I apologize, but he was really funny and a really good, and not just a guitar, but a really funny, thoughtful one. And he had a thing in his act where he would have the audience do a sing-along, like a typical guitar guy sing-along.

Like, okay, three-hour tour, have him do that. And then, you know, plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, whatever, they'd have that. And then he would go to the crowd and go, okay, name your congressman. have that and then he would go to the crowd and go okay name your congressman everybody would just like uh yeah and then they'd all laugh because like who knows as political as you think everybody like it's different now i think i think people are more political now than they were four years ago or whatever yeah because they're freaking out and they realize like maybe i should engage in this process yeah but uh i right before i did prices right the reason i was on the prices

rights radar is because there was a guy named uh michael davies who does uh men in blazers now he's a tv producer guy and now he does men in blazers about soccer thing and uh plus other stuff but he approached me i did a project with him before and used to be an executive at abc and he was doing a game show called the power of 10 where uh you could win up to 10 million dollars and what you had to do is you had a uh they would do rasmussen they hired rasmussen to do surveys about polling things yeah polling place yeah they would do surveys about, and you had to guess the percentage of the survey within a certain amount.

Yeah. And if it was a wide margin, you'd win $1,000, and then the margins got narrower and narrower, and then if you got it within like 2% or 3% points, you'd win $10 million. It was like that. Yeah. The percentages got harder and harder.

Right. But it was things like, you know, what percentage of people think you have a right to own a gun yeah what percentage of people uh don't wear underwear and you gotta guess yeah yeah and you would be like some would be funny you know and some would be you know like and some would be like serious political things i would discuss with the contestant and then they would try to answer so when he pitched me the idea i got a call from me i was retired and I didn't want to do anything

unless it was fun. That was my thing. I said, if it's fun, I'll do it. If I think it's cool, I'll do it. I remember that, Drew Carey. But I don't want to. I'm done. But I don't need money.

Yeah. So if you have a project, it's not about money. It's just about if I think it's goofy or enough to do or fun enough to do. So my manager calls and says, oh, he wants to pitch you a show.

It looks pretty good. You think you might like it. I go, okay. So I was friends with George Voinovich and his best friends with his daughter, Betsy. And so I got to know the family. And George Voinovich was mayor of Cleveland, two-term governor, two-term senator,

very popular politician. He was a senator at the time. He was in LA, California or something. And he was staying at the Beverly Hilton. And I was going to meet him for lunch. So while I'm waiting for him, I get the call about the show. And the sample question he gives me is, what percentage of people know the name of their governor?

Oh, yeah. Do you know? I would say 22%. No. It's 11%. 14% if you included California because of Governor Schwarzenegger. Huh.

And that's it. Yeah. You'd think more. And so I was like, wow, that's amazing that so many people don't even know the name of their governor. That's true. Because every once in a while you see a survey about people don't know the name of the president

and you're like, what are you crazy? So then this guy shows up, Voinovich, who was a governor and is a senator. And I tell him that, and he's a senator and i tell him that and he's eating salad and i go what percentage of people know the name of their governor and he goes 10 i go oh my god it's like 11 how did you know that uh and he goes and he goes well you know and he goes uh i go isn't that amazing you're in the paper every day and people don't know your name and he didn't even look up he goes people don't read the paper just keeps eating that's it

yeah they're just they're just doing their own life and here's a guy who's been a politician like his whole life and he's like people don't read the paper no wonder it's such a cynical system and so fucking you know strangely dysfunctional because people don't give a shit it seems like the only people that give a shit are the politicians who are looking to get something well i don't think i think more people are paying attention now but even yeah hell yeah a lot of things go over i mean i'm there's days where i just don't even want to look man i know i know dude but i'm not where i'm not as worried as everybody else because i think everybody i now have this you got an inside line you gotta no i now have this like buddhist philosophy about the dhamma wheel about how

everything comes and goes and things come to the top and go to the bottom again oh yeah everything's born and they die and you're doing the buddhist thing yeah now if you but if like honestly things are changing so fast i was you know i'm listening to the news and there's like a woman host on npr and like that used to be it used to be where that would be a remarkable thing yeah a female host of a radio show that was nationwide on npr even or yeah even you know yeah 40 years ago. Sure. Like in the 50s. Yeah, a lot of things. That would have been amazing. Yeah, a lot of things have changed very recently.

We just don't really think about how recently things are. Yeah, it changes fast and it changes slow, right? Right. So like if you think for a minute that 100 years from now, there's going to be people like Trump around in any kind of power, I think you're out of your mind. Like this is like the last scream of a dying breed of thought. Well, I hope so.

I mean, it is. But the problem is, is I, I, I, I hope you're right. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen in that 100 years that you're talking about to, to get to where there's no more Trump people around. But, but I will tell you this, it was less than than 100 years ago where Europe was almost, you know, German. Yeah. No.

And millions of people were killed. Things don't happen overnight. Right. And then things change and they don't change. Like, you know, end of the Civil War, slavery is outlawed. But then it took like about 100 years for the Civil Rights Act to pass. We were like, okay,

let's get serious about this. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then after that, still racism, still racism, like still dealing with it,

but getting better and better and better. Right. Arguably. Sure. You know, not, not gone totally, but still getting better.

And so it's going to be this, I have a, I have like a comet theory that I use all the time. Oh yeah. Yeah. So like a lot of changes, like a to be this. I have like a comet theory that I use all the time. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So like a lot of change is like a comet. Yeah. The shape of a comet.

So the people in front of the comet take all the heat. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And get all the damage. And then it gets popular and the comet gets big. Yeah. And then there's that tail end of the comet of people that are just left behind and catching

up and not quite there. And they get all the benefits because they're like, by the time they get there- They're not even the benefits. Like they don't even know what's going on in front. Sure, sure. Right, right. So they're still like, oh, that's changed now because I don't feel like that.

That's not me. Yeah. Around here, we still think- Oh yeah, so it takes them a while. Yeah, to catch up. Like people don't like to- I hope you're right. Look how many people don't have computers,

don't have proper internet access. That's have computers don't have i know you make proper internet right that's right people think today like wow everybody's streaming thing they use the term everybody yeah you know all of us are like you read an article all of us are nowadays we all yeah that's not true there's like 20 percent or some really high percentage of people without decent internet access all they apparently all they get is uh conservative facebook yeah well they that's you know if you get a facebook feed or text or some kind of like uh some kind of like textual thing yeah you're not going to get a streaming video you're not going to be able to it's really hard for them to get the kind of

information then they have to people have to go to the library still to get online. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of large percentage of people out there that don't have cable because they can't afford it. They don't have direct TV. They can't afford it. Yeah. It is something that we don't really realize or think about. Yeah, not everybody is all hooked up. No, definitely.

So you grew up in Cleveland altogether? Yeah, right in the city. Right in it. Yeah. Went to Cleveland Public High in Cleveland altogether. Yeah. Right in the city. Right in it. Yeah. And what was- I went to Cleveland Public High School. Really? Yeah.

What was the city like then? Because now you get the feeling like, you know, they got the grilled cheese place. They got Slimon's corned beef. Yeah. Yeah. They got the, you know, the fancy restaurants and that's a good comedy club there. And there's a stadium. There was only like a couple of hotels downtown you could really go to and stay at.

But was it a thriving city that you remember? No. It was already dead. No, this was River on Fire days when I was growing up. Yeah, Mayor Perk caught us. I remember that. Yeah, the river caught on fire when I was growing up there. Mayor Perk was doing a, we had a mayor called Mayor Perk

and he was doing some kind of opening with a blowtorch, some kind of constructive thing. His hair caught on fire. Oh yeah. His wife, they had a chance to go meet the president and his wife uh it was his wife's bowling league night they had a bowling league championship so they didn't go oh really yeah they didn't like the president was it a it was no i think it was honestly just like a bowling uh a bowling issue yeah bowling issue you know when i was growing up like johnny carson would be making

cleveland jokes well it was always sort of a punchline. No. Yeah. But it was like especially big then. I think Paul Thomas Anderson's father used to host a weirdo. He was the ghoul. The ghoul. Yes.

Yeah. The most popular movie show host in Cleveland history, probably. And that was in Cleveland. Yeah. Yeah. Actually. Oh, actually, no, he was Goularty. Goularty. That wasy that was the goal was after goularty yeah goularty yeah so in the you remember him 60 oh man i'm kidding me that was like he was like a king then

well the ghoul was i was more the goularty was when i was little and then he moved out to come to la yeah he was friends with uh tim conway tim conway yeah they were like a comedy writing team in cleveland and used to do little comedy bits and tim conway moved to la got mikhail's navy and he told uh uh goularty goularty yeah what's his real name ernie anderson ernie anderson yeah ernie anderson father of the genius yeah he might be a genius too ernie anderson was great he worked at the station and he would do a uh like an after-school movie show and he would wear like the the the van dyke goatee thing that you would get in the back of the comic books right and he wore a beetle wig yeah that people you would be able to buy this thing called a beetle wig which is like a i don't know this

weird hair wig that you would buy and you wear the lab coat with kind of like buttons with sayings on it like sakatumi and stuff like that on his button. Ban the bomb and all those buttons that were popular then. Yeah. And he wore sunglasses with one of the sunglass things busted out. Yeah. And he would say things like, hey, kids, over there, scratch glass, turn blue. And he had all these like catchphrases.

And he would. I love that those guys do gigs. It's like a local radio, too. They do gigs. Like, you know, it's like a local radio too. They do shows. Yeah. His thing was he had the Goularty All-Stars. It was like a, it was a softball and basketball. So he would like come to your high school or junior high and play against your teachers

and faculty. Yeah. To raise money for charity. Yeah. So they would come like, hey, we're going to be at Euclid High School this Friday playing our All-Stars playing Euclid High School faculty, and every kid would show up. Wow.

And Ghilardi, the ghoul did that especially, and I think Ghilardi did too. But Ghilardi would, when he was on like Friday nights, he would get like an 80 share. Yeah. People, the kids were watching. Everybody watched.

Like, you know, go to school on Monday, everybody was talking about what Ghoulardi did or what the ghoul did after him. The ghoul worked for Ghoulardi. He was the guy in the monkey suit that would be around in the background. He would do all these stupid sketches and interrupt the movies.

Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah. Like, it would be like Creature from the Black Lagoon, let's say he was showing. Yeah, right. And then when the Creature came up, he would start playing Papa Oomow Mow.

Right, okay. And then he'd pop up, like, in the screen, like he was being attacked by the Creature and he'd Papa Oomow Mow. He would just, Papa Umamao. Right. And then he'd pop up like in the screen, like he was being attacked by the creature when the, and he would Papa Umamao. He would just like do that. So it was like pre mystery science theater. Yeah. He would do crazy stuff. And then he would read like letters.

But as one of his main things that he would do is people would send in models that they made. Yeah. Of like cars, ships, like whatever the model was. And he would blow up the model with an M 80 or firecrackers. Like he would light an m80 and step off and it would blow up on camera and that's why they send him in well no he would just like that was one of the bits that he would do like we're gonna

hey so and so so this 15 years old from from parma sending the uh so this model kit car we all decked out and he would like put an m80 and just blow it up it was It was really fun to watch, but then it got so popular doing that. At one time, I read a book about him. Somebody in local Cleveland wrote a book about him. Somebody back then, and this is like in the late sixties, made a stick of dynamite at home out of M-80 and,

and, and stuff. And just like took all the gunpowder, made their own stick of dynamite, got on the fucking public bus took it down to the tv station hey i have something for for the ghoul that i want to drop off to me make sure he gets it sure thing they get him the stick of dynamite can you imagine yeah they get him the stick of dynamite he's this pretty cool yeah he goes to blow up a model and he lights it and he he like runs away and it blows the glass

out of the sound booth it blows up so big the glass and the sound booths shattered yeah that's the kind of shit he did i think he got suspended or something for that he didn't kill people i think the i think gulardi the guy took off from got suspended for blowing up a mouse with a firecracker oh my god he blew up a mouse because he thought it'd be funny yeah do you know that that tradition of radio still exists and it happened in cleveland dude i was in cleveland doing a i believe this is on tv i know yeah but like i was in cleveland doing a morning show i just it's just strange that i just realized this might i think it was cleveland where you know i you know when you do morning shows you don't know what the crew's going to be

like you don't know what their their angle is you be like. You don't know what their angle is. You know, if they're shot. No, I know. But I get there and everyone, there's panic. There's a guy running down the hall. You know, he's got no shirt on. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? You know, it's 730.

You know, and I'm like, what's going on? It's noon to them. But apparently some guy going like, oh, the puke cannon didn't work. Oh, my God. Yeah. This is radio. I guess there's a video element but they'd taken a weed blower and some guy was going to make himself vomit milk into this weed blower and

and it was gonna the idea but everything there was puke all over the ceiling i had to go to another studio and i'm like is this really where radio's at man it's unbelievable people in cleveland had the real because the city was getting made fun of so much like everybody like like cleveland was exactly the punchline. Like a full Cleveland outfit was like a leisure suit. Right. Like a light blue leisure suit, head to toe. They called it that.

They called that a full Cleveland. They did? That's what it's called. Yeah. Look it up. That's a full Cleveland. I wore a full Cleveland on this first night in my bar mitzvah. So you drove it.

On Friday night, I wore a full Cleveland and Albuquerque. Right. And at the time, the Indians were the last place team every year. The Cleveland Indians never won anything. They would play at Cleveland Municipal Stadium, which held 70,000 people. That's where the Browns played. The Browns were decent. Yeah.

The Cleveland Indians always sucked. So I would go to- Seriously, like 70,000 people, 68,000, something like that. Yeah. And they would have 5,000 people there. Yeah. Totally empty. Oh.

I would go with my friends when I was in high school and we would buy a bleacher ticket and then just walk up to like the box seats and just have a seat. Just hang out and drink beers. Like who's going to stop us? Yeah. They're barely looking at tickets. It was just something to do, right? Just something to do.

But so like how many brothers and sisters do you have? Two older brothers. It was three. And my mom. And your mom. My dad died when I was eight years old. Really? Yeah.

I don't know why I'm questioning that, but that's pretty horrible. I made it up. Makes me look more pathetic. I don't know why I do that all the time. I'm like, really? Well, I barely remember him too because he was always sick he had like heart attack stroke blood clots he had a brain tumor he had all kinds of problems was it genetic are you all right yeah i'm good oh good he just didn't i mean i don't know didn't eat right or whatever i know that's

what was just eating you love beer and steak yeah so you know so you remember drink a lot he was a big drinker oh my mom used to tell me funny So you remember. He drank a lot. He was a big drinker. Oh. My mom used to tell me funny. I don't tell this to a lot of people. On public anyway. Yeah. But what the hell.

My mom used to tell me these funny stories about my dad. Right. And one of the funny. Quote unquote funny. Yes. Yeah. Here's one of my mom's funny stories about my dad. And they were all like her funny woe is me stories.

Like these can you believe my luck stories right supposed to be funny yeah uh or amusing yeah but it's not like let me tell you the story about your asshole dad right it was like sort of cute can you believe my luck yeah yeah here's what happened to me so she told my dad once ha ha ha yeah that if he ever came home drunk again, she was going to call the police. Right. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. And he comes home drunk. Yeah. He calls the police.

Yeah. The cop that shows up is a drinking buddy of my dad's. Right. And sees my dad and goes, oh my God, Lou, are you okay? That's my mom's funny story. And I always thought like, oh yeah, ha oh yeah haha that was like a funny fit and then i like lately i've been thinking like wow how bad does it have to get with a couple right

where the the woman goes do that again motherfucker and i'm calling the cops behave like this again in my house in front of the kids with me i'm gonna call because i don't know what else to do i've screamed at you i've done everything else that the kids probably didn't see yeah i'm gonna call the police what do you think of that and then she finally has to call the police and it doesn't work out and it's a cute story years later story yeah and or he uh was one time my dad lost his job he got laid off he was a uh draftsman for general motors He worked at the tank plant on Brook Park. And he lost, he got laid off and it was around Christmas time

so him and his buddy decided they were going to sell Christmas trees at the gas station. Yeah. So they paid, got a bunch of Christmas trees and every night

he would come home, how's it going? Ah, we're not doing so good. Ah, Christmas trees aren't, this is one of our funny stories. Yeah. Turns out, they were doing well and he would take all the money he so good. Ah, Christmas trees aren't good. This is one of her funny stories. Yeah. Turns out they were doing well.

Yeah. And he would take all the money he made in cash selling the Christmas trees and go out drinking with his friends. Right. Instead of bringing it home. Yeah. Isn't that hilarious? He's out of work. He's got three kids.

And he's drinking the Christmas tree money. Yeah. It's hilarious. But you had to put all this together later to really assess it yeah and you don't have any real recollection of the guy no to me that's like no and i don't have any real election and oh this the whole family even like his side of the family told me this funny story about my dad um the time he was out drinking with his friends and he threw up out of the car yeah and he threw up his false teeth so his false teeth went flying out of

his mouth when he threw it inside of the car so he wanted to put an ad in the paper uh-huh to try to get his false teeth back yeah so he calls the cleveland plane dealer hey this is woo can we oh i lost false teeth and uh they didn't even put like the they didn't put false teeth in the ad it was something like lost sheep or something like that. Instead of false teeth, it wasn't lost sheep. It was something else. The way he was talking.

Yeah. And it was like, isn't that funny how your dad couldn't put the right ad in the paper. Cause he threw up his false teeth. It sounds like you might've been better off not knowing this guy. I mean, I mean, we did barely.

I remember playing catch with him in the yard one time. And he took me to a, took me to Cleveland Barons hockey game once. So I did a few catch with him in the yard one time and he took me to a uh took me to cleveland barons hockey game once so I did a few things with your brother's older or younger oh both the older six and twelve years older do they remember him yeah he was a real disciplinarian like he used to beat the hell out of him oh man he kept a strap hanging up on a hook on top of the basement a drunken disciplinarian the worst yeah so my oldest brother neil when he turned 18 he just left. That's a sure sign it wasn't great.

Yeah. Yeah. And then my middle brother had a little, and they talked about how I got spoiled. Yeah. Because I didn't get beat up as much as they did. Because there's a six year difference between you and the youngest one? Yeah. It was six years, six years, and six years.

So yeah. So my brother, when he turned 18, I was six. Oh, yeah. And when I turned 12, my brother Roger was off to college. So it's just like me and my mom through those formative years. So your mom had to hold the ship down. Yeah, another funny story. My dad, we were having spaghetti dinner and I didn't want to eat my dinner.

I was little. I had to be five or something. Didn't want to eat. Four years old, whatever hold I was. And my dad was like, you're not getting up out of this chair until you eat your dinner. And that's it. He's going to make me sit there until I ate. So, hey, dad, I cleared my plate.

It's all taken care of. Good. Months later, two, three months later, he's going down to the basement where he kept his paint cans because he has to touch up the molding or whatever. He opens up the paint can. There's the spaghetti. I dumped all the opens up the paint can. There's the spaghetti. I dumped all the spaghetti in the paint can to hide it. Oh, I'll tell you. This is one of my favorite funny dad stories that my mom used to tell me.

There was a Dairy Queen in my neighborhood that was within walking distance. It was like a 15-minute walk, but we drove there that day. I was like three. So my brother Neil was 14. My brother Roger was eight. so was my brother neil was 14 my brother roger was eight i was two so my dad neil was 14 get in line at this dairy queen because they're having a sale on sundays so there's a big line and my mom said it was like a 40 minute line yeah big long wait line so they sat in the she sat in the car with the eight-year-old and me i was only two yeah keeping them busy keeping us busy while my dad waited in line this whole time.

Yeah. They buy four Sundays. Yeah. Two and two, Neil and my dad. Yeah. Who's 14, right? Brother Neil's 14. And when they get to the car, my mom tells me, for some reason, my dad yells at Neil,

give me those. Because he thinks Neil's going to drop them or something. So now he has four Sundays and he's trying to open the car door at the same time. He drops three of the Sundays. Then what does he do? He takes the fourth Sunday and he throws it. They get in the car, they go home, nobody gets in. Nobody gets a Sunday.

No. Fuck it. Nobody gets a sundae. No. Fuck it. Nobody gets anything. Fuck it. I would have done that. I might have done that. In front of the whole family. Oh, man.

I'm going out for a drink. Slam. If you do that again, I'm calling the police. Call them. See if I give a fuck, bitch. So your mother must have been tough. She was like a church lady oh yeah yeah like a sweet church lady so she just took it i guess huh yeah and then but once he was gone your relationship with her must have been solid yeah well she was like i remember uh i was a latchkey kid right and i remember when

i first heard a latchkey kids they were like oh these poor latchkey kids coming home by themselves nobody at home yeah man I loved being a latchkey kid

are you kidding me from what age from like 8, 9 from like like 12, 13 I would come home because she was working she had to work

yeah yeah you know so I'd come home and there was a you know I had there's a key hidden or I had a key I don't know how it worked

but I would come home maybe nobody there and I'd make my own there was a, you know, I had, there's a key hidden or I had a key. I don't know how it worked, but I would come home. Maybe nobody there. And I make my own sandwich or whatever. Watch cartoons. Three Stooges. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I don't, I loved it. Yeah. It's like, God bless Lachkey kids, man. So what drove you to music? I mean, like, how'd you get involved with the band stuff? Oh, there was a guy that came to my house who was selling music lessons from the local music place. Yeah? Yeah, it was like a music store on Memphis Avenue.

Yeah. And some guy showed up and like, hey, let's talk about music lessons. I don't know if she went to them and showed up. I don't know how it happened. My mom played piano. Okay. And we had a piano in the house. My dad liked fooling around with the ukulele and stuff.

Yeah. There's music around. Yeah. Back then, you had to entertain around with the ukulele and stuff. Yeah, there was music around. Yeah, back then you had to entertain yourself. Sure. And so TVs were only like 10 inches. Yeah, small. Yeah, yeah, sure. Black and white.

Yeah. So he asked us what we wanted to play, and I was five. Yeah. And my brother Neil wanted to learn to play guitar. My brother Roger said drums and uh i had just there was a local talent show that was on saturdays or sunday it was on sundays on in cleveland tv and uh i saw some accordion guy on this talent show polka bands and stuff are really big in cleveland sure yeah there was always like some local tap dance group or

you know guy playing the accordion was a big like a polish community ukrainian community yeah a lot of big years a lot of german europeans yeah yeah there was a lot of skis yeah yeah sure yeah yeah and issuances yeah stuff like that yeah tons of them and uh so i said oh i'd love to play the accordion so i was i play an accordion i remember when I was like second grade, first grade, having to go like at Christmas time, having to go like class to class playing like the two Christmas songs I knew on the accordion. Like, oh, here's,

this is Drew Carey from this other class. He knows how to play the accordion. He's going to play Silent Night. Then, okay, get out of here and go to the next class. I remember that. Did you like that? Do you remember liking that?

Do you remember like, you know, I don't know if i liked it or didn't like it it was just i had to do it it was like homework but but at some you know when you play music publicly i'm just trying to track you know where you're like well and i was like i remember audience grade school that i was like in choir and band and we'd you know i wasn't shy about getting up in front of people so yeah i remember being in like a we had a barbershop quartet number yeah we sang give my regards to broadway there you go you know and some other song and it was like eight of us yeah so like i was one of the eight kids that wasn't afraid to get up in front of somebody and sing yeah and when i did pirates of benzance the only reason i had a i played frederick and

the only reason i had that part was like the lead part the only reason i got it because i volunteered for it because nobody else would do it right like i'll do it yeah like i wasn't afraid to get up there but you didn't like were you compelled or or interested in comedy or performing or you just sort of like no but i always no but i was in choir and they had a like i wouldn't do that on my own i didn't say to everybody hey we should do a play right i just happened to be in choir and this guy the teacher was like happened to want to do that and he goes anybody want to do this part and i went hey i'll do it and that was it and that was it that's how i made all my decisions back then okay yeah i'll do it why not but did you watch comedy were you a fan yeah when i would uh

i was one of those kids that would get the tv guide and i would highlight my shows for the week oh yeah but i highlight i would unwind them or circle them yy west man from uncle uh f troop that was one of my shows mission impossible mission impossible yeah i like that was funny larry storch was funny i loved f troop man If I looked on The Tonight Show and there was a comedian and they said, like, comedian Steve Martin or comedian so-and-so. Yeah. Comedy group The Committee. Oh, right, right.

I would go like, oh, I want to watch that. You liked them. So I would stay up extra to watch whatever the comedy act was on The Tonight Show. Right. Maybe I wouldn't watch the full 90 minutes, which is what it used to be back then. Right. Hour and a half, imagine, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then like last 30 minutes was Hour and a half. Imagine. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And like last 30 minutes was talking about it to a guy that wrote a book. Yeah. It's going to be you. Like, who the hell is this guy? About the book. Wrote a book. I just wrote a book.

This guy. Like, it's crazy. Yeah. That people were like, I don't know. Norman Mailer's on for 25 minutes. I can't imagine that now. It would be great. It would be great.

But that's what podcasts are for now. I guess so, but I think the nature of entertainment became intensified with attention spans and the ability they needed to hold people. I think when there was three stations and it was 12 at night, they were like, we can put Norman Mailer on. You know, the ability to hold people was a little easier.

I was explaining to somebody that I would watch TV until the TV station went off the air. Oh, yeah, just like... And they were like... Until the TV station did what? And I go, they would go off the air. Yeah, the colors would come on. They would stop broadcasting. Yeah.

From like one in the morning till six in the morning. Yeah. Because there was nobody to... What? Yeah, there was nothing on. I mean, there would just be nothing there? The color bars. They would play the national anthem. Yeah, and then the color bars, right? Yeah. there was nothing on. There would just be nothing there? The color bars. Color bars. They would play the national anthem.

Yeah, and then the color bars. Right. Yeah. That'd be that. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, and there were three networks. No TV after an UHF. Yeah.

UHF. What was on the UHF? Channel 43 and Channel 61 in Cleveland. Were there three Stooges stations? Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. That's a good name for them.

Bowery Boys and Three Stooges. Yeah. All day long. Yes. Maybe Laurel and Hardy. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. That's a good name for them. Bowery Boys and Three Stooges. Yeah. All day long. Yes. Maybe Laurel and Hardy. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I used to love the Bowery Boys,

but I guess they were just like the cheapest one to get, right? Dead End Kids. I don't know why. I used to watch them at my grandparents' house. We used to be like, I'd say Channel 11 or something. I don't know if it was UHF, but they definitely ran the hell out of all that stuff. You could watch Laurel and Hardy.

You could watch the Three Stooges. Little R without your little rascals yeah you could watch Dead End Boys Bowery Boys I think they became one one became the other yeah it was uh it was great to be able to see that stuff like I guess it was closer to the source I mean what do you're in your late 50s I'm in my mid 50s so at that time I mean those things weren't that far behind us no even you know even Saturday morning I I would highlight my favorite cartoon shows. Yeah, like what was those? Like Johnny Quest? I love Johnny Quest.

Yeah. The Johnny Quest theme song is a great piece of like- I don't remember it. Orchestral jazz. I don't remember it. It's great, man. Really? Oh my God.

God, now I want to hear it. And hard to play. Really? You tried with your trumpet? No, there was a band I see in Vegas all the time, Lon Bronson Band. I've never seen Vegas, and they learned it and played it for me once.

Oh, that's great. And they're all like these horn session guys, and it's just like hearing it live with a full 16-piece horn band. That Johnny Quest theme is great. So do you go to college? Do you do the whole college thing? Yeah, so I skipped my senior year in high school

because I had enough credits to graduate, and all I needed to do was my senior year in high school because i had enough credits to graduate yeah and all i needed to do was take senior english in the summer okay so i took senior english in the summer because i was like why am i why would i stick around i'm already bored yeah took senior english didn't have a commencement or anything i just went to the principal's office got a diploma and i applied to kent state and i got in uh and my first major was criminal justice studies because I used to watch a lot of uh cop shows back then there was a show called uh police story yeah Joseph Wamba's police story he was a big Joseph Wamba yeah yeah he was a big famous uh crime writer he was the hell street

blues right was that him or Joseph Wamba no no no the onion field or yeah okay he wrote the onion field and the choir boys choir boys right, yeah. And a couple other ones. He was a LAPD cop and he was famous for writing books about the LAPD and being a cop. The dark side. Yeah. Yeah. They're always like, you know. Right.

Cops with drinking problems. Yeah. Cops with things. Like in The Ending Field. Yeah. Like those guys. They always had this bad back. You know, like the psychological damage they were after the event.

Uh-huh. Or whatever happened. Yeah. And. That's what compelled you to do. Yeah. So I thought, Oh, I'll be a criminal judge.

That looks like a fun job. Yeah. Cop. Cause that's all I liked reading about. And cause I create crime stories. What a fucking idiot. Makes sense. Yeah.

It doesn't really, but I didn't know anything about setting goals or believing in myself. And I just, you know, somebody would suggest something and I would do it. Why do you think that is? Do you think it's the... Well, that was my family. It was just like... No dad around.

He was a disaster. He's gone. And my mom just had to get a job, you know, to pay bills. So that's what she did. And, you know, she was a school secretary. I bet if she had her druthers, she could do something else. You know, but she had a family. I mean, I think it wasn't a bad impulse to go into criminal justice.

It was interesting. You were interested in it. Well, my first grade point average was a 0.5. Oh, good work. Yeah. Yeah. So you didn't take to college. No.

Well, I loved college. Yeah. I loved it. Yeah. I love being a fraternity i love partying sure uh uh i smoked marijuana for the first time popular guy yeah super popular you know parties i was social director my fraternity but as far as like what you're supposed to be at college for yeah to get a degree yeah did you finish college no i got kicked out twice and then what'd you do uh worked as a waiter i never had a job for more than a year yeah like or if i

did it was like 14 months you know was it miserable were you drinking a lot what was going on um i was like a functioning alcoholic in college when i think about it yeah like it like i probably didn't help with the study the weekend started on Thursday I was one of those guys you know happy hour starts on Thursday maybe even Wednesday yeah you know and Thursday it was like half price Wednesday was ladies night Thursday was half off and I knew every night of the week which bar to be at yeah you know yeah Tuesdays this is the spot that's hot. Right. You know? Yeah. And Friday and Saturday, it was just like a lost weekend every weekend.

All right. So you're doing that, and then you get jobs. And then my, yeah, my fraternities got me high. I wasn't a big stoner, but I would, you know, they got me high for the first time. Yeah. Did that stick? I mean, you know, here and there. Yeah. Yeah.

So what'd you end up, how'd you end up, what'd you end up doing? So you're working as a waiter, and you're just. Yeah, doing nothing. I was, when I was in college, because I always watched these comics on TV and stuff. And I would live, I lived in Las Vegas. I moved back and forth to Las Vegas. Yeah. One time I was in, when I was.

When you were in college? Yeah, like the first, after the first, when I was 18 and in college, I tried to, I had a minor suicide attempt where, yeah, it wasn't a serious one. I took, you're supposed to take sleeping pills, right, if you want to kill yourself. So I took Sleepy's or something like that. Were you depressed? Yeah. I should have been not drinking and on antidepressants and I should have met met with somebody about what aptitude I have and what goals I want to do. I should have sat down with somebody like that.

Did you have depression problems your whole life? Maybe that's why you were sort of- I was a nail biter all through junior high and high school. I used to bite the skin of the pads of my fingers and strip the skin off the pads of my fingers where like my fingers would be bloody and I could barely hold a pencil. Like it would hurt to hold a pencil or pen in my hand. So I used to like destroy my fingers

and, you know, as a form of like self-hate. And when I would walk through, I tell this to people, when I walk through like the hall in like junior high and high school and you're trying to get around kids and I would never say excuse me yeah I would always say I'm sorry yeah sorry sorry sorry right sorry yeah and I would never like I'm looking you in the eye right now I would be like yeah I would be talking to you like here I wouldn't look at you in the eye

wow I'd be embarrassed to look at you in the eye or like it wouldn't feel like i would i don't know so alcohol must have just loosened you up and to kind of make you feel better yeah i was and i always had like i was one of those guys that had jokes memorized yeah like i would buy like larry wilder you know joke books yeah yeah that's his name right yeah i think so he had like 10 000 jokes or had it or no he had like the official polish joke book the official irish joke book official jewish official italian joke book yeah oh yeah i remember those with the cartoons on front yeah larry wilder i think was his name then i also had 2 000 insults for all occasions 2 000 insults with the court jester on front yeah and i had 2 000 more insults for all occasions he had a follow-up yeah yeah i remember those

so you're so ugly you should make a train took a dirt road so this was this is how one of them way to communicate yeah i had all these jokes memorized and if i i listened to get through life i'd listen to morning radio or i'd hear a comic on tv on the tonight show and i would hear the jokes they had and i would like oh that's a good joke and i would say i would credit them i wouldn't make it my joke i would go oh so and so was on TV. This is just in a social environment? Yeah. Working at the restaurant?

Yeah, and I remember there was a time where I really hated Steve Martin. Yeah. When he first came out, I was like, such a huge fan. He's great. One of the most innovative comedians that ever lived.

Yeah. But then, when I was in college and my fraternity, you could not go anywhere to any party without somebody going, excuse me. You couldn't get away from it. Yeah. Everybody.

Or they would be rolling a joint and go, hey, let's get small. Yeah. Yeah. They would do that. Right. And I was just like, what the fuck with this guy already? Enough. Enough.

Well, when did you try to kill yourself? Oh, so it was like that. I was like just about i was 18 i turned my birthday's in may so it was like in the spring yeah when i was 18 so i took these like over the counter sleeping pills i could have called swallowed the whole bottle i just would have slept 10 hours yeah right so no one knew that you tried to kill yourself well there was a party downstairs i would just get i remember being mad that they were at a party and mad they were enjoying themselves

i remember being really angry like who the fuck are these people having fun yeah yeah you know no i used to feel that fucks with these people with dates don't they know having fun yeah the fuck is wrong with them yeah you know just thinking like that generally and i went and i swallowed a bunch of these over-the-counter sleeping pills washed it down with a beer laid in bed and i was a big christian kid when i was in junior i was a pentecostal christian when i was in junior high in high school yeah that really fucked me up royal uh to be honest because your mom no my mom was a presbyterian like a regular presbyterian church and then um i had there was a friend of mine in junior high that belonged to a pentecostal church an assembly of god church and he invited me to one of his youth group meetings and i kept going

to the church service and i got saved they had like they're really powerful preachers at all these churches and they you know they make a case yeah you know and if you're a sinner and if you're feeling bad and you want jesus to help you yeah you know case. Yeah. And if you're a sinner and if you're feeling bad and you want Jesus to help you, do you feel bad about yourself? Sure. You're feeling lost and lonely? A little bit, yeah.

12-year-old? Yeah. 12-and-a-half-year-old? Yeah, I am a little. 13, confused about things? Yeah, I'm scared. Come on up here. Jesus will save you.

Jesus loves you. Oh, my God, what's happening? Come on up here and pray with us and it'll be all right. And then they dip you in the water and grab your head? No, it wasn't water. It was like I'd stood in front and he'd lay a hand on your head and I was like crying on the ground, talking in tongues, like all that stuff. Oh, my God.

Like right before I turned 13. It got you. Yeah. And then I was going to this church all the time. And I wouldn't go to my mom's church anymore. I would just go to this Pentecostal church. And I would go like, you know, I would try to save kids at school. I got in trouble at Bible camp.

I went to like a regular Bible camp. Yeah. Presbyterian. And I got in trouble because I saved like three of the kids and they were all emotional and crying and they pulled me aside and they told me not to do that anymore. Stop saving people.

Yeah. And I really want, people would ask me what I wanted to do when I grow up and I want to be a preacher. I want to be a minister and tell people about Jesus. Yeah. You know, that's what I wanted to do. And I would pass out chick tracks in my high school.

Sure, I love those. Yeah, the little comic books. Well, I read them and they weren't like kitschy, ha ha to me. I was like, fuck man, look at this, the world's gonna end. I'd be better get right or you're gonna go to hell and burn. And I remember there was a thing I bought at one of the youth group

things used to go to these overnight things this thing in columbus and they had andre and andre crouch and the disciples were playing they were the big unlining band uh-huh and uh so when the whole youth group went down there and we were all like 13 14 or just tore up the hotel and sure you know pet burping contest and stuff like that. And like, hey, look how big a shit I took. Look at that. I remember that. I feel like bragging about the size of their shit. That's a big exciting thing.

You're a 14-year-old boy. Yeah, you're 14. So when did this start to fall apart on you? I bought this thing called the Jesus Person Maturity Manual. And it was like an 8x11 booklet. It was like 50 pages maybe. And it had a chapter on by 11 booklet, you know, a little thing. It was like, you know, 50 pages maybe. Yeah. And it had a chapter on like, you know, responsibility and obeying your parents.

And they had a chapter on masturbation and how masturbation was bad for you and you shouldn't masturbate, which was like, oh, I thought I was going to hell every day, all day. Yeah, sure. I'd like be on the bus going to school and get a boner. Yeah. For like no reason. Right. Sure. Out of nowhere. I wouldn't even be thinking about sex or anything. Yeah. to school and get a boner yeah for like no reason right sure out of nowhere i wouldn't even be thinking about sex or anything i'd just get a boner i miss those days and i'd have to cover with my trapper keeper yeah thank god for the

mead trapper keeper man the boner coverer yeah yeah that's what it is both hands walking weird yeah yeah so so you just thought you were going to hell all the time yeah and but what when you're 18 and you got into the dark place, had Jesus left by then? No, I was still confused. I remember I went to see a, I had to see a counselor. I can't believe I'm telling you all this stuff. I remember I had to see a counselor in college

because I was feeling guilty about masturbating still. Oh, really? Every time I jerked off, I was like, fuck, I got to quit doing this. Because I'm going to hell. Yeah. And what did the counselor in college say? This has got to be bad.

What did he say? Well, I saw they had like this. Because I'm going to hell. Yeah. And what did the counselor in college say? This has got to be bad. What did he say? Well, I saw they had like a mental health counselor that you could see at the college. I went to see that guy. And he goes, oh, go see this friend of mine who's a Methodist minister. Oh, a minister. Near the campus. So I went to see a Methodist minister. And he was like, don't worry about it.

I masturbate. My wife masturbates. It's not against the Bible at all. And he showed me the verses where it's fine oh good and i was like okay then i didn't feel bad about it yeah you seem to be qualified yeah you know what you're talking about but then he was a methodist he wasn't really a pentecostal guy right sure so he wasn't as hardcore of course he went to the right guy well that would cause some doubt in my head like this guy's like a lightweight because he's a methodist yeah he's not really

playing by the old school rule book he's not really as full christian as the okay so you just didn't let yourself off the hook huh you just you were you were beating off and beating yourself up biting my nails feeling bad about beating off and that was it failing college and then some people were having the people having a good time pushed you over the edge pushed me over the edge and then i took this beer that i was like well what's gonna happen to me now that i took this pills yeah in like 10 minutes i'm like fuck am i gonna go to hell and what happens after i die yeah i have no idea and it scared the shit out of me and i got up and i found one of my fraternity brothers i go hey man i just took some peeping pills and i tried to kill myself and they got me in a car and they

drove me to the the kent state health center yeah there was like the little like clinic that you had and they gave me uh epicac yeah and maybe throw up yeah yeah somonex that's what i took yeah and i remember clearly because uh i'm not gonna say his name but i don't embarrass him but he's a lawyer in pittsburgh now i want to say hi how you doing hi paul yeah if you're out there i'm gonna say your last name i don't want to embarrass you uh but he was a really good friend of mine. And I used his fake ID to get into bars. And I was really close with him. So he went with, I think he's the one I found.

He was older than me. Yeah. Took me to the clinic. And I was throwing up EpiCac on the toilet. And he was behind me, like, holding my shoulders and holding me up. I think he had his knees on my back, like, holding me up. And he was singing, take some annex tonight and sleep i was thrown up so that was that and then i had to see a counselor i went to see a counselor for

a few sessions and you know i get kicked out of school and you're working as a waiter yeah just and then you joined the military? Yeah, I joined the Marine Corps at one point. I was living in Las Vegas and I- Why'd you choose Vegas? Did you- Well, oh, after I tried to kill myself, I didn't know what to do. Yeah.

I was like, well, I can't go back to college or anything. So my dad was dead and I was still getting his social security checks. Yeah. And they had a thing back there in Greyhound called an AmeriPass. Yeah. And you could buy a, I don't know how much it was, but you buy like a thing for like a month and a 30 day AmeriPass and you could ride any Greyhound bus anywhere by just showing that pass and hopping on.

So you could see America. Yeah. That was the ad. Yeah. And so I bought an Ameri pass and i had money for my dad's social security checks that i was getting so i took that money and i had a backpack a nylon backpack i think it was orange yeah and uh i hopped a greyhound bus i remember it'd be like my mom at the greyhound station just like crying hoping i'd be okay and i was like crying i was

don't worry mom i'll be fine you just picked vegas out of nowhere sobbing in the car i didn't pick vegas at all my brother lived out in california my brother neil lived in dana point yeah uh my oldest brother neil and i hardly ever saw him so i thought i'll just go out and see neil right so i have to greyhound west uh i think i stopped in indianapolis saw my aunt uh and then i would what i would do is i would um Uh, and then I would, what I would do is I would, um, sleep, sleep on the bus at night. Yeah. I didn't want that one hotel room. I would sleep on the bus.

I was 19 years. I just turned 19 sleep on the bus at night. And whatever I woke up in the morning, I would get off the bus and I would go to the men's room and I would wash my pits and my crotch and just like do a little like core bath, put on a fresh shirt and whatever. And then, uh, hang out. I would find a diner near the greyhound station i would have a cup of coffee and whatever breakfast i could afford and i would just like walk around you know sit on a bench watch people yeah uh i might have had a book to read

or something uh probably and then around dinner time ish i I would see when the next bus was coming through going west. Just get on. I would show my pass, hop on the bus, store my shit. Crash. Watch the scenery and when it got dark, I would sleep and then I would sleep till the morning. I would do that. I went that all the way across country and I stopped in Vegas

and I got off the bus in Vegas and I was like, holy shit, this place is amazing. I remember I stayed at a hotel. It was down by the Hacienda, which is not there anymore. It was now Mandalay Bay, like out by there.

Yeah. It used to be the Hacienda and it was a motel across the street and I stayed there because they had adult movies. Yeah. I thought, oh great,

porn in the room. That's what I need after a long bus trip. It was like the worst. I remember, I think I watched like five minutes of it. It was like the worst. I remember, I think I watched like five minutes of it. It was like the worst. Yeah.

Like unbeatable. Yeah, yeah. Because nothing happens. Like you couldn't beat off to this. If you're the horniest guy in the world, you wouldn't want to beat off to this porn. So that was disappointing. Yeah.

And I left my shit there. And it was a nasty room, too. It wasn't that great. You know. Of course. Of course, yeah. Yeah. With the free porn in the room.

What did I know? Yeah. And then I just, I walked from there all the way down the strip, all the way downtown. Wow. And back. And just marveled at how big it was and the signs. All the lights, yeah. Man.

Hypnotizing. And then I'd walk in and be like, the cocktail waitresses were all like the most beautiful women I'd ever seen in my life. Yeah. Like, what is going on here? And people are paying for 25 bucks a hand. Are you kidding me? Right.

What? Yeah. What are these rich people wasting their money on? But you loved it. I was blown away. Yeah. And I just fell in love with it. And then I saw my brother in California, took the bus back, same thing, washing up, the

same thing, no money, no hotel room. And when I got back, I said, I'm moving to Las Vegas. To your mom? Yeah. And I saved up whatever money I had. Did she knew you tried to kill yourself? Did they tell her? Yeah.

Oh. I think she knew. Oh. But it was like not as serious. If I really wanted, I would have done something, but it was more like crying out. Cry for help. Yes. So she said, okay, you can go to Vegas.

Well, I just was 19. I said, I'm going to that and ask her permission. I just told her I was leaving again. And how long did you live there? She was really worried about me. Yeah, it would sound like she should have been. She's still around? No, she died.

She was really worried about me. When I got to be famous and got the Tonight Show and Drew Carey Show and all this stuff, I think she was in denial. She couldn't believe it oh really because i remember telling her one time i was like third season already like set for life yeah pretty much yeah i wasn't syndicated yet but right if i would have lived like a modest life the rest of my life i'm done yeah like you could really like sure i mean i couldn't be driving a bmw 7 series or whatever but i could Yeah. And not have to worry about shit. Yeah.

She didn't believe it? Couldn't believe it. And that's what she, I can't believe it. And I go, Mom. And at one point. And she saw you on TV. I was like, Mom, this is how much money I'm making every year. And I think she started crying. She almost like fell out of her chair.

She's like, never heard of that. And I go, whatever you want, just tell me and it's yours like you want a car you want to travel yeah you want to take a cruise around the world you want to you know free cable yeah whatever but and this is a person who grew up under depression i remember getting mad she remarried this guy uh george and i remember going over there and that was a standup comic and successful at it. But this is before the Tonight Show. But you want to like, you're booking yourself and you have to keep in touch, waiting for a booker to call you back.

And there was no cell phones back then. So I had an 800 number that I rented that they could call, some kind of service. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And my mom didn't have a touchtone phone because she didn't want to pay the money for touchtone service. Yeah.

And I was like, are you fucking, I really was like, how much is it a month? I was really like, my arms out like this. Yeah. How much is it a month? It's like an extra 10 or $12. And I reached in my pocket and I think I grabbed $200 bills

and I threw it at her. I go here. Get yourself some buttons. Yeah, get yourself some buttons because I'm not losing work. yeah because you don't have a touchstone phone when i come see you otherwise i can't come see you for an afternoon because i'm going to miss a call and i'm not going to be at work yeah well when you offered her uh anything she wanted did she take you up on it i think she yeah she took a trip with a one of her lady friends oh that's sweet but she just wouldn't like the whole idea of it,

like if I were to fly her out first class. Here's my mom. Yeah. She came out to see me in LA. We went to the Beverly Center. Yeah. Which is a nice mall. Right.

Not the nicest mall in town. Yeah. They're remodeling it now. It might be. Yeah. But it was a great mall. Tough for malls right now. Yeah.

Yeah. But at the time, it was the place to go. Yeah. Went to the Beverly Center and my mom said this in the parking lot. Oh, look, there's one of those BMWs. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there's one of those Range Rovers, and there's one of those Mercedes, and there's one of those Jaguars. Yeah. There was a BMW parked in the parking lot. What?

Yeah. Oh, right. So you'd never seen it. She'd heard about them. There's one of those bmws yeah in my neighborhood growing up if somebody said hey i got a new car you would ask oh really what year is it right nobody got a new car right new to them so okay so when you're in vegas what do you do there will you just hang out for a while i worked as a bank teller worked at a denny's so what made you join the marines well uh i lost my one job that i had

and i got in vegas yeah and i was living in this motel that's been torn down unfortunately so i used to like to go back and visit it it was by fremont and charleston yeah uh if you're not familiar with las vegas fremont charlest is not, it's not the greatest neighborhood in the world. Yeah. There's worse, surely. So I'm not saying I was in the worst neighborhood ever. Right.

It wasn't like I was living in Cabrini green in the sixties. Right. You know, not a great neighborhood, not a great neighborhood. And I actually got shot at once when I was there. Somebody shot at me from the, from a car with a gun. Yeah. Yeah. They said something to me and I was in shot at once when I was there. Somebody shot at me from a car

with a gun. Yeah. Yeah, they said something to me and I was in the Marines then and I had my jacket and I said, what the fuck did you say to the people in the car?

Yeah. I can't remember. It was like, it was at night and I never could see what was in the car and I heard, how would you like

a hole in your glasses? And I said, why don't you suck my dick or words to that effect and then bang. And you ran. No, How would you like a hole in your glasses? And I said, why don't you suck my dick? Yeah. Words to that effect. Yeah. And then bang. And you ran.

No. There was a shot. And I'm in the Marine Corps. I know what a fucking gun sounds like. Right. They shoot at me. The car takes off. And I ran after them to get a license plate number.

That's what the Marines do to you. Like a moron. Yeah. But you're probably all jacked up. I was all jacked up. On Marine-ness on marines yes i was and i was like oh you're fucking with me i'm bulletproof like i really was like out of my mind and it was an empty lot behind me uh at this place so that didn't hit anything i don't think i mean i don't know i didn't hear it hit anything so you just joined the marines because you'd like hit some sort of bottom and decided yeah and i needed a job and i was staying at my did you think you needed discipline and you needed no i was at my i lost i lost my job in in la i was living in vegas i was

playing staying at this place that cost me 55 a week yeah in rent it was a motel cockroaches everywhere miserable i was washing washing my clothes in the tub yeah god hanging them up you know really living it yeah rough days and then um uh i lost my job couldn't pay for the 55 a month put everything in my car that had already been totaled i barely ran and i i could i had to steer it sideways to even get like a block i shouldn't even be driving it um so i put all the stuff i had like i had yearbooks and old love letters and pictures and all that kind of shit yeah and i put it all in the car and i my friend said hey come stay at my place overnight um so i went to my friends i remember i walked into mcdonald's they were having a um they were doing a the they had the uh monopoly contest

going on sure and no it said no purchase necessary and i was starving yeah so i go i go i don't have to buy anything to get a card i go nope i go. I go, can I just get a card then? They hand me off the card and I ripped it. I want a Coke. Yeah. And I was like, all right. Yeah. I savored every piece of ice. Yeah.

Tough days. My friend made me like, I think my friend made me like SpaghettiOs or something. Sure. Chili in a can. Yeah. When I got to his place. And I was like so grateful. And I went back to my place the next day i walked back to my place and uh somebody smashed the windows out of my car

and stole everything so i don't have any my high school yearbooks or my original love letters for my first girlfriend or any of that stuff anymore and they haven't showed up no these trash somebody was looking for whatever and they stole it all trashed it who knows i looked in the garbage and everything was gone and that was one of those moments where you're just like, what is my life? Yeah, so then I called the guy and I was crying. I had a couple of chains, like a quarter in my pocket. He goes, well, I'm about to go to Vegas

or I'm about to drive to LA with this other friend that we knew. Why don't you come with us? And I go, okay, I got a brother out there. So I got ahold of my brother and he said I could stay there. So I stayed at my brother Neil's. We drove out there. I got to stay at my brother Neil's within Mission Viejo, Dana Point area. And he got me a job driving a van.

He worked at a Porsche Audi dealer. He was the parts manager. And he got me a job driving the van delivering parts around Southern California, which was a great job. Yeah. Because everybody was like, oh, they need a Porsche muffler at this repair place. Got your Thompson guide? Yeah. Yeah. And I had a, you know, Zenyler at this repair place. Got your Thompson guide? Yeah.

Yeah. And I had a, you know, Zinata Mendata, the police. I would listen to that tape over and over again and listen to K-Rock. And I was just like, that was in heaven. Yeah. And then the owner of the place found out that we were related

and he didn't want a relative working for a relative because it'd be too easy to steal if he was the parts manager and I was delivering parts. Right. So my brother goes, sorry, he found out that you were my brother so I have to let you go. for a relative because it'd be too easy to steal if he was the parts manager and I was delivering parts. So my brother goes, sorry, he found out that you were my brother, so I have to let you go. So then I was like seeping on my brother's couch

and I didn't have anything. When I got there, I had like, that guy that whoever broke into my car, like took clothes, all I had was like the clothes on my back, literally. No underwear, socks, nothing. But you could have bought stuff. I didn't have any money.

Your brother didn't give you money? My brother got me stuff. Yeah. So him and his wife took me out shopping for underwear and socks. Yeah. Like, basic shit. Yeah. Toothbrush.

Yeah. Deodorant. Like, I had nothing. Right. And I was sleeping on the couch. I said, well, what am I going to do now? I guess I'll just join the military. And I went to the recruiter's office.

And I was afraid to join the full-on military because I was like, what if I don't like it? Then I'm stuck. So I just join the military. And I went to the recruiter's office and I was afraid to join the full-on military. Cause I was like, what if I don't like it? Then I'm stuck. Yeah. So I just joined the reserves and the first guy I met the Marine reserves. Yeah. So the first guy I met was the Marines.

And I went to the, I looked in the Navy first and the army first and the Marine guy was like, so together and their office was so together. And he was like, I just, I don't know. Yeah. Marines are pretty together and i thought

if i'm going to do this i just go for it you know don't go halfway just join the hardest one so you did yeah and i would like you honestly uh thousands of people do it every year it's not that bad but but did you do did you enjoy it did you loved it change your life you tried it? Did you change your life? You trained? Loved it. Got in shape? Got three squares a day. I was in great shape. Did you have to go anywhere? No, I was in the reserves. Yeah.

We went to two weeks training every summer. But did you- Went to Germany one summer. But was there a weekly thing you had to do? One weekend a month, two weeks during the summer. But what was the training like? I went to boot camp and i went to school uh-huh you know boot camp was like three months all together it's like 11

and a half weeks but then there's an orientation period and stuff so you're in total you're in boot camp for like three months so where does comedy start how old were you um 40 no i was already like 28 years old or something when i started doing comedy but how did it start so i oh so i was in college and I would always like, before the Marines, I would always like comics. When I was living in Vegas, I also had another suicide attempt when I was in Vegas. You did?

Yeah. What was that? How'd you do at that time? The same kind of thing. Yeah. Just depressed. Drunk? I wasn't like an alcoholic,

but I was just depressed all the time i mean i was by myself are you on medication now no huh no no now i'm like the happiest guy in the world huh it just changed super positive and you know it just happened because you made it a lot of reasons like i wouldn't have made it unless i was found a way to be happy but did you do this to a second one was Was that during the Marines or after? It was after I was in the Marines. Yeah. I remember getting the ambulance bill and not having money to pay it.

I was like, ah, fuck five, $300. Why did I wake up? No, I know. So,

but they had like, there was a, at the Sahara, they had a thing called the Sahara talent showcase. Yeah. And you can just sign up. Yeah. So the first they had like, there was a, at the Sahara, they had a thing called the Sahara Talent Showcase. Yeah. And you could just sign up. Yeah. So the first time I ever, like there was a talent show in college where I got up and

I told jokes. Right. That I knew. Yeah. Like bar jokes. And it went good? It went okay. I got laughs from friends and they, it was not unexpected to me.

And then when I was in Vegas, I signed up for the Sahara Talent Showcase and I did a, it was terrible. Yeah. Awful. like the worst it was just stuff I thought was funny that I wrote down, I didn't know anything about writing jokes or anything oh, I don't know what I was doing people were just staring at me and then there was a guy that had a local

Joe Behar was his name, he had a local talent thing that would be at like a caros right like literally yeah yeah in the corner and it would last for like it would be like once a week for like six weeks then he would like oh they don't want us there anymore then he would move to uh mountain jacks yeah then it would be someplace else similar in vegas yeah and he would have this you know joe behar's talent corner or something like that. Somewhere, sure. Joe Bihar's Comedy Corner.

Yeah. But you could get up and sing. Sure. If you had a little tape. Like an open mic almost. A total open mic every week in the corner of a Karo's. I remember trying to stand up there. Again, still terrible.

That's how I met the guy that gave me the ride to LA because he was trying to do comedy, and there was another guy that was trying to do something too, and that's how I met those guys. Oh, okay. when you lost everything oh Mike Lovell yeah and when I got to Cleveland uh this is before the Marine Corps I moved back and forth all the time a few times and from Vegas I I would go out there and fail and come back to Cleveland go out and fail and come back to Cleveland sure and uh I got back in the local comedy local guy was starting a comedy club in Cleveland. Yeah.

And they were looking, he was going to do it. His idea was to do with all local talent. Yeah. Which is a mistake. So he's looking for people to audition. So I went and I auditioned on a Saturday. I remember we saw an Indians Yankees game.

And after the game, I went to audition in the day and I was awful. I got to say, and this is how bad it was but he hired me as an MC because he needed people sure like I said I was just willing to do it they say the same thing all my life pretty much they all do it okay

so Wednesday the first Wednesday I had 10 minutes then I introduced the middle act and the headliner Thursday they cut me to five minutes and on Friday they, just introduce the acts. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to do anything.

Right. Because I was destroying any hope of fun. Oh. You know, there has to be a set for, I read a book. You had that vibe. I read a book that Freud wrote about humor. There has to be a sense of play. Yeah.

For comedy to take place. Yeah. Everybody has to be a sense of play for comedy to take place. Everybody has to be in a playful mood. Yeah. And that's why you can't tell certain jokes are like, they call it crossing the line because you take people out of their playful mood. Right. If you make a cancer joke and somebody recently had a cancer thing, they won't be playful anymore.

Freud said this? Freud? Yeah. Freud wrote a book about humor. Wit in the Unconscious? I don't know. I can't remember. Wit in its relation to the unconscious.

Is that what it's called? I think so, yeah. Okay. Well, there you go. I saw it in college the Unconscious? I don't know. I can't remember. Wit in its relation to the unconscious. Is that what it's called? I think so, yeah. Okay, well, there you go. I saw it in college. I didn't read the whole book. I remember, but that part is very true. Sure. You know, that's why they have fun music

and drinks to get you in a playful mood. And that's why you can talk about cancer. You can joke about rape. You can talk about murder. You can joke about incest. But everybody has to know you don't mean it, and everybody's in a playful mood about it. Sure't that knows nobody's taking it seriously you got to make all those things fun yeah and if you if you're in the room with you know 100 people and

everybody knows like okay we're all joking around and this guy's sick so it's all sick humor i get it and they're in that mindset i get it yeah it sounds good but if somebody takes a tape of it and shows it on tv later look at this fucking fucking guy. Yeah. Like people watching at home are going to go, this guy's a fucking monster. Yeah. That happens all the time. People do them. That's the chance you take when you do that kind of joke.

Anywho, they cut me and then I tried a couple of times. I was no good. So I stopped. And then later on when I was always, and this was like later on when I'm 28 now, this was like eight years later, seven years later, something like that, six years,

seven years later. You know, I thought, well, that was the thing I tried that I'm no good at. Yeah. But I would go to the comedy club all the time to see people. Like when Bob Saget would play,

I would see him on Wednesday when the tickets were half price. Yeah. Then I would take a date on Friday to see him again. Oh, really? And then I'd take another friend of mine on Saturday to see him a third time. So you were addicted. You have Bob Saget. I was a comedy aficionado. I would go to that him again. Oh, really? And then I'd take another friend of mine on Saturday to see him a third time. So you were addicted. You have Bob Saget.

I was a comedy aficionado. I would go to that club constantly just as a fan. Yeah. And it was somebody like a Richard Jenner or a Bob Saget or somebody who was a really murderer thing where I'd be falling down. I would go back twice a week to see him. I would just really be like, oh, comics. I was like a comedy groupie.

And so I would watch these guys. I would just really be like, oh, comics. I was like a comedy groupie. And so I would watch these guys. And I remember it's because I saw them already that I kind of took a lot of information in through osmosis. And I was working as a waiter. And the owner of the place got mad at me one time. And all of a sudden, I wasn't working good dinner shifts.

I was working lunch shifts instead. And when I did work, I would get the bad section that wasn't enough money right and i i at the time i had this friend of mine who was a disc jockey who knew me from back in the day right and i was telling about my troubles and he goes well if you ever think of any jokes for my radio show i'll pay you was he on a popular radio show that he was a working distract you made sure made a living morning show sometimes yeah sometimes afternoons whatever yeah he said well if he ever thinks of any jokes for my radio show i'll pay it because he always thought it was funny from back then. And we always kept in touch.

Yeah. And I go, how much will you pay me? And he said, I'll give you $10 or $15 a joke. Oh, wow. And I thought, oh, shit. I could make $100 a week. Yeah. Thinking up jokes.

Yeah. But I didn't know how to think of jokes. All I knew was if I thought of something, write it down. So I went to the library in Cleveland. And I got a book on how to write jokes. You did? Well, whose book? I think it was called How to Write Jokes by some British guy.

I can't remember the name of the guy who wrote it. But it was like the only. Thank God. It was the only book in the library about how to write jokes you did well whose book it was called i think it was called how to write jokes by some british guy i can't remember the name of the guy who wrote it but it was like the only thank god it was the only book in the library about how to write jokes oh my god and it did all the lucky it did all the things about you know making a list about a topic and you know exaggerating this and minimizing you know like all the standard things you do when you write a joke yeah and but it had all the information and i was like oh this is what you do yeah it was like a miracle to me so i started writing jokes and i made this is like in the fall i know i want to i want that book and i made uh well now i have a bunch of joke writing books i have like all the oh you do yeah i bought them all jean peray and all those book guy that work you don't have any of those no any of the books

oh my god they're great they are well you don't have that kind of you don't have that kind of act anyway well i'd like to do that kind of act well then she gets in the joke writing books i will you gotta tell me what they are i will okay um so anyway the uh january i made a goal for myself so i'm going to try these jokes on amateur night yeah and see how they do because i'm now i know how to write jokes right and i went to amateur night that january and at the time uh stopped making sense had come out like a year or two before yeah and i thought oh people are wearing like those kind of, like it was like New Wave style. People wearing those suits. Yeah.

And the glasses I had were from the Marines. I couldn't afford any other glasses. I wore contact lenses sometimes. But otherwise, those were the glasses I had because I didn't have any money. Yeah. And that's the free glasses I got from the Marines. And I had my hair cut short because I was in the Marine Reserves. Yeah.

And I bought the suit at a sale at the Goodwill, all you could fit in a bag for $20. Yeah. And I bought it because, oh, that was a suit that I had. Yeah. I thought it was a hip suit. Right.

So I wore the suit and I had the glasses and the crew cut and I got up on amateur night and people laughed at me when I walked on stage. And that was my first laugh. And I got 50 bucks. Yeah. And I was like, fuck, here we go.

And people thought it was funny and they gave me advice and I wrote jokes and everybody, every time I saw a comic I thought was good, I'd say, hey, can you go. And people thought it was funny and they gave me advice and I wrote jokes and everybody, every time I saw a comic I thought was good, I'd say, hey, can you give me some advice? And they would give me more advice and I write more jokes. Who gave you the best advice? Everybody gave me good advice. Yeah.

Yeah. Vic Dunlop told me, talk to people like you're talking to them in the living room. Yeah. Like I was, I didn't know where to look when I was on stage. What do I do? I can't look at people in the eye, I look at the ceiling. Yeah. He goes, just look people in the face and pretend you're there you're in the living room

that's what i do yeah that was a great tip yeah and he passed away didn't yeah somebody else told me uh a great technique uh tell the joke and then act out the joke oh yeah yeah what do you mean tell us set it up like um uh so so here's one of my one i just thought up if you're not in a relationship you want to i'm in a relationship right so if you're not in a relationship you want to feel what it's like to be in a relationship without being a relationship here's what you do all the fun things you like to do when you're by yourself stop doing them that's the joke yeah and then you act out the joke right honey i Honey, I was just getting high. I was just, sorry, I didn't mean to, but.

You do that. Yeah, got it. I get it, yeah. You see people do that. Examples, a list of examples that you act out. You see people do that all the time. Right. Tell the joke, act out the joke.

Yeah, yeah. Very common. Yeah. I didn't know anything about that. Yeah, well, it's supposed to happen instinctively, I think. Yeah, also, tell the joke and don't move. That was another thing I learned. Oh, yeah.

Tell the joke. And because as soon as you start moving, that's a visual cue for the audience to let them know that another joke's on the way. Okay. So they start, the laugh starts to die down. Okay. So just let it sit. Like all these like vaudeville fucking tips.

Yeah. That people learned in Chicago. There's a lot of Chicago comics coming in that I would like, and I would go to Chicago and do sets too that i would learn from people it's great i mean i just picked everybody's brain about every fucking thing and read every book i could find about how to write jokes and then i just started working and it all blew up from there and that's how you built your act and that's how you started yeah i even came up with a formula about like writing 10 jokes a day to get one joke that was was my percentage. If I had like 10 thoughts.

It's like a monologue writer's job. That's what I would do. Yeah. I would try, but I didn't, I wasn't like Seinfeld where I had to think, oh, I have to write eight hours a day because that's my job. Right.

I figured out in my head that if I think of one funny joke a day, telling it, getting the punchline, getting the laugh, that's X number of seconds. Maybe that's like 20 seconds, 25 seconds. Yeah. And I'll also think of tags for it when I act it out and tag it. That'll be another five or 10 seconds, including the laugh.

Right. And if I wrote one joke a day, five days a week, all year round, I could get about 45 minutes a year of material. Oh, so you had it all worked out. I worked it out. Yeah. Like a math problem. Did you follow that system?

Yes. That's great. And I would write like- But like writing 10 jokes a day though, you could be anywhere. You could be in your car, you could be like whatever, whatever the brains work. And then the kicker of it was,

they didn't have to be 10 good jokes. I just needed one good joke. So it'd be like nine thoughts and then one good joke. And then I could tag it and work on it and that would be turned into something. And that's all I did. And obviously- The rules were

they couldn't be dirty. Yeah. I could write dirty jokes. Right. But they couldn't count towards the 10. Okay. So we were extra.

Yeah. They had to be stuff that I'd be clean enough to do on The Tonight Show. Right. And then you got to do The Tonight Show with Carson. Yeah.

And they couldn't be topical because I wanted to be I could write topical jokes. Yeah. Like, oh, that Carter. Right. Or, oh, that Clintoninton right oh that whoever's the politician right but i i they didn't count towards the time you did your first tonight show with

johnny right yeah johnny and doc that's great and ed that was my dream i had it i have all you did it i had i wanted to have all the starters there yeah nothing against tommy newsom what do you mean you want oh you want the first i love tommy news yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't want a guest star i didn't want i love gary shanling but i didn't want him to be the guest right right i was doing my first tonight show yeah of course had to be carson so you you know you you obviously came up you got your headlining set you know you got your you got your show yeah and then my question was really is that you know you did you said you went into you did retire to some degree yeah and then my question was really is that you know you did you said you went into you did retire to some degree yeah and then they made was was the prices right an offer you couldn't refuse

or something you really thought was well i did that i did that power 10 show right you like toasting when i yeah when i did the well it was an interesting show to me yeah like i thought wow what an interesting thing the polling show yeah yeah you get polling and it's like that sounds like fun and you know i go to new y And, you know, I go to New York. Yeah. You know, for a couple of weekends a month. Big deal. Yeah.

You know, all of my other time. Oh, you knock them out that you strip them. Yeah. Yeah. All my other time is free. Sure. Fucking why not? Yeah.

Fuck it. Yeah. So, and I liked Michael Davies and the guy that was doing it. So fuck. Yeah. And you did it. Yeah. And then I did the pilot and then

it was for cbs yeah and then i was driving on a driving trip out of new york at then in a rental car and i got a call from cbs how would you like to do the my agent call me yeah i got a really interesting call from cbs casting yeah yeah and i've been taking acting lessons because i thought maybe i'll do some movies or something small parts and uh i thought maybe a little small part here and there and uh i thought oh did they want me for a CSI? I really did. Like, oh, I can act. And he goes, how would you like to take over from Bob Barker

and do The Price is Right? And I was like, I think I said, like, what? Fuck no. I think that's the first thing I said. I was like, that old man show, I'm going to do that fucking show? I didn't know anything about Price is Right or what it was. Sure, yeah. But you knew it was a part of the,

like an integrated part of American culture. Yeah, but I thought, I'm not going to do that fucking show. I didn't know anything about Price is Right or what it was. Sure, yeah. But you knew it was a part of the, like an integrated part of American culture. Yeah, but I thought, I'm not going to be like, that's like, they might as well ask me if I want to do a cruise ship. That's what I felt like. Right, that's what I was wondering, yeah.

Like, no. Yeah, and then they said, here's the number they're throwing around. No, not even then. Then they picked up Power 10 and I'm back. I was at Bob's Big Boy. Now I'm back.

Now they picked up the show. You went and like, did you do Burbank over there? Yeah. Yeah. And I'm eating there. I used to go there all the time and then uh my agent calls again or and he goes hey CBS called again uh-huh and I go really they go they still want you to do the prices right and I was like well what does it pay yeah and he goes I don't know I go what are the

hours because I'm doing this other show yes I don't know and I go well I at least owe him a meeting now right because I got this Yeah, you're on the air. Now they're my family. Yeah. I have to take a meeting. Right. So they go, find out what you can. I'll find out what I can.

They had no website. They had no anything. I found out as much as I could. I had a meeting with them. By the end of the meeting, I wanted to do the show. Really? Yeah. Why?

What was it about it? Well, I still didn't know exactly how much it paid or what the hours were, but they filled me in when I took the meeting. Right. And it was like the head of CBS daytime and one of the producers and president of CBS and one of the producers on The Price is Right. They were getting to know me and I was asking questions like, does the show ever travel? Like, what do they think?

Oh, we'll work around your schedule. If you need time off, don't worry about it. It doesn't far in advance. We have the time off, which is true. Finally, the one guy, Sid Vintage is his name. He was si time off, don't worry about it. Uh-huh. It's in far in advance. Yeah. We have the time off, which is true. Finally, the one guy, Sid Vintage is his name. He was sipping a beer

and he looked at me, he goes, what's the thing you like to do most in life? And I go, I love leaving big tips. I really do get a thrill

of like throwing a hundred bucks at people. Yeah. Like a valet or a cup of coffee. That's what you told him? When I used to drink coffee, I would like,

just leave a hundred bucks for everything. And I've had, on road trips, I've had people chase me I would like just leave a hundred bucks for everything. Sure. Yeah. And I've had on road trips, I've had people chase me out of the restaurant, like at a Denny's. Yeah. Sir, sir, you look too much. I go, nah, nah.

They don't recognize me. And I go, nah, keep it. What? Like people, I love it. Yeah. I love over tipping. And I love leaving big tips. And he looks at me and he goes, well, if you do the prices right, you can do that every

day for a living. And was like wow that's right and that's what sold me the feeling of that feeling of like changing someone's life have a car yeah there's nothing like it oh my god that's true there's nothing like it and it's not my money yeah that's the best part it's somebody else's money that makes sense yeah it makes sense i just love it i love people like are freaking out because they get the like a free thing because i know how yeah i know how broke i was right like i gave plasma when i lived in vegas other than this roach motel right so when people even win like 500 bucks which is not a lot on the prices right but i'm like 500 bucks is great yeah my a lot on the prices, right? But I'm like, 500 bucks is great.

Yeah. My joke is like, if you won a scratcher on five, if you won 500 bucks on a scratcher, you wouldn't shut up about it. Yeah, that's right. You know? Yeah. Wow. That's great.

That makes sense. Yeah. So, well, great. And you're doing it forever. Are you there for life or how does it work? I don't see, I don't have any reason to leave. And is it, does it do well? Does it hold its its numbers and everything it's the number one show in daytime second half hour we get like six million people watching that's unbelievable if it was on prime time

with those numbers we'd be like a top 25 show that's crazy and what about this and you're not depressed and you found a way to be happy you You enjoy sports. I know my friend Dave Anthony sometimes travels with you. Oh, yeah, Dave Anthony. To soccer games and whatnot. Yeah. And when did Buddhism come into play? I started practicing and learning about it like right around when the Drew Carey show ended, right around there.

Uh-huh. And then I really came home and I took the Vipassana meditation course where you go for 10 days without talking. Oh, yeah? I did that. Wow. A couple of years ago. And that did it? That was a life changer.

Oh. Yeah, because every night you get a lesson in Buddhist philosophy along with the meditation. And then you meditate the whole rest of the day. You get up at four in the morning and you meditate all day. And then around 8.30, there's like a 45 minute lesson in Buddhist philosophy. Interesting. No talking. And I guess the combination of that and making a living and having validated yourself

in so many different ways, kind of pushed back that shitty sense of self and all the depression. Yeah. Because you don't feel like you were biologically depressed it was conditional in some way i think so yeah well when you're the place you grow up in is like a punch line right and you know the situation you grew up with your you know your dad missing and everybody from that yeah from that era of cleveland that grew up

has a really like self-depreciating sense of humor or it wasn't just a home life it was just like yes cleveland everybody that's right like yeah oh hey we suck kind of a sense of humor you know like that whole right and even like the local disc jockeys the local tv people everybody had this like of course it sucks we're doing it yeah low self-esteem the entire well you know how you know how and mad city. Well, you know how, and Mad Magazine was really popular. You know how Mad Magazine goes, here's some other bullshit we thought of. That's their whole thing. Yeah. Right.

Here's some more garbage from Mad Magazine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the whole point of view of the whole city when they would go, yeah, we're doing this thing. Of course, it's got to suck because we're doing it. Oh, man. Of course, I suck because I'm from here. They would always have that kind of sense of humor about us.

Sure. Sure. Right. You know? Well, I'm glad everything worked out, man. It's great talking to you. Yeah. Our shit doesn't stink. Our shit stinks in Cleveland. Yeah. That sure sure right you know well i'm glad everything worked out man it's great talking to you yeah our shit doesn't stink and our shit stinks in cleveland yeah it's the you know yeah we have the opposite attitude of hoity-toity yeah yeah but i tell you it's what that like there's a couple restaurants in cleveland the best restaurants in the world

yeah greenhouse tavern and michael simon's place down the street yeah great yeah and then there's a grilled cheese restaurant do you ever go to that corned beef place? I don't like corned beef. Simon's? I don't like corned beef, which is weird because it's a big, huge thing. There was a really famous corned beef place right in my neighborhood that you could walk to. It wasn't Simon's? No, it was something else.

It was like a local place. I've been there forever. We can have different opinions about corned beef. It was great talking to you, man. Nice talking to you. Nice seeing you again. That was fun. It was great talking to you, man. Nice talking to you. Nice seeing you again. That was fun. That's great.

Cut it down to 25 minutes. Yeah. Looking for 12. Did I tell you that? I don't know if you understood what we were doing. I hated to be impolite. I didn't want to cut you off. I don't know what you thought you were coming for.

I don't know what you thought you were coming for. I hope you feel better. Yeah, I should pay you $150 an hour. Oh, boy. That was such a satisfying hit for me. Drew Carey was amazing. That was amazing. I really enjoyed talking to him.

I hope you did. I hope you liked that, too. Soon I will be playing guitar in here. We're not far away from that. Just hang. I know a lot of you are like, when? When? When, Mark? When do we get you

working out riffs at the end of your broadcast? When does that happen again? Soon, folks. Soon. That's all I'm going to say. I've got to get the guitars out. I just got my sound panels up. Did I tell you about my sound panels? Boomer lives!

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