WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 946 - Ian Bagg / Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 29, 2018

If there was a competition for WTF guest who comes from the most far-flung, middle-of-nowhere place, comedian Ian Bagg would probably win by a lot. Ian tells Marc about growing up in Northern British Columbia, being part of the blast crew in a gold mine, and realizing that the satisfaction he got blowing things up was equaled only by doing stand-up comedy. Also, Bert Kreischer returns to the show on the cusp of a mid-life crisis that is mitigated a bit by his new Netflix special. This episode is sponsored by the Around The NFL Podcast, NHTSA.gov, SimpliSafe, and ExpressVPN. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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east does what the fuck buddies what the fucksters what, what's happening? I'm Mark Maron. This is my podcast, WTF. Welcome to it. How's it going? How you doing? How's your diet been? How's your exercise regimen? Is everything okay? Don't get distracted on the treadmill, all right? I've been that guy where you start stumbling and you grab the handrails and then you got to step off and straddle the thing so the belt keeps going and then you got to kind of lift yourself up and get your feet going a little bit so it matches up with the belt and then get back on don't do that right now don't do it okay just pay attention everything all right keep your eye on the road hey hey put it down put it down. Put it down. All right. It's too early for that shit. Seriously. Come on. So and also congratulations. These are all general. I want to talk about my dates a little

bit because they are few and far, but they are real. OK, I'm really performing places. Sorry, Bloomington next week sold out. Sorry, Minneapolis. All those shows at Acme are sold out. The following week after that in Denver. Denver, I believe there are still tickets the 21st and 22nd of September. And I'm sure there are tickets in Phoenix on October 13th at Stand Up Live. I don't always see Phoenix as necessarily my city. You know, when you do what I do, when you do the stand-up comedy out there in the world, some cities are better than others. I know I got some fans in

Phoenix. My brother's in Phoenix. I've got people in Phoenix, but generally speaking, I don't know if I'm everybody's cup of tea in Phoenix, but that's all right. I've acclimated to being an acquired taste. It's okay. As long as that acquired taste involves enough people to earn me a living, it's fine with me. Don't want everybody to like you. If everybody likes you, there's something deep being hidden. That's my experience. And then everybody who likes you generally finds out around the same time.

So today, I talked to burke kreischer uh kreischer's got a you know he's got a special coming out it's out i'm sorry i just apologized to myself for remembering something uh his netflix special secret time is streaming now i think it's his first special his first big one he's very excited about i love burt and it was fun conversation we had here and after that i got ian bagg ian bagg's a guy he's always been on the periphery i've always seen him i've known him i feel like my whole life i remember when he came down from canada and we were coming up in new york and i just would see him around occasionally be like what have you been doing ian bagg and so uh finally after years i i said come on let's talk on the show i don't know you

but you've been sort of uh on on the periphery of my attention and in my world for, you know, decades, it feels like. You know, at least got to be almost 20 years. So Ian Bagg is also here today. And that's what's going on. So Bert Kreischer, the new Netflix special Secret Time is streaming now. I love talking to Bert. He's actually a guy that makes you feel happy and good and fun. This is me and Bert Kreischer, the new Netflix special, Secret Time, is streaming now. I love talking to Bert. He's actually a guy that makes you feel happy and good and fun. This is me and Bert Kreischer.

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So this is a big Netflix special. This is the big one. I'm super excited. And it's your first Netflix special? First Netflix. Did a Showtime like two years ago. Oh. That was where I told the machine story.

Yeah. And then, yeah, now I'm doing Secret Time. So did they pay for it? Yeah. Oh, good, man. Yeah. So this year, you're part of the 2018 pack. I guess so.

I did one last year. Joe Coy. Yeah. They weren't going to give him one, and he's like, fuck it, I'm going to get one. So he made his own and then pushed it on Netflix. It was a huge special, too. Yeah. His special was amazing.

It was huge for him. Yeah, and it did amazing for him. He's doing like... Yeah. But he's an. It was huge for him. Yeah, and it did amazing for him. He's doing like... Yeah. But he's an interesting guy because he still does clubs every now and then. No, but I think he has markets. But he does clubs because there's more money in clubs. Sure.

Like he'll do the big theaters, like 6,000 theaters. When he can. Yeah, and then he'll just go to the Addison Improv and sell out 14 shows. Yeah, do the door deal. Yeah. Yeah, but that's a lot more work. I mean, not that it's a problem, but I mean, that's the trade-off you're making. But I think he just sold out the entire island of Oahu.

That makes sense. Seriously. He's taping his next special there, and he's like, dude, I sold 30,000 tickets. I'm like, holy fuck. I don't even know what I would do for that many people. I know I'd take my shirt off. I'm not taking my shirt off for 30,000 people. It'd be on the big screen too.

Oh, yeah. I can't even gain some weight and make it good for them. Where did you shoot this one? Philly at the Troc. Oh, that's great. Yeah, it was awesome. It was a really cool venue. I've been there.

I've played there twice. It's an old porno theater. Yeah. It's got a weird history, and the way they've got the stage situated is great. Sort of like they've opened up the back of the pool. And it looks bigger than it is. It's an intimate 400 or so because it's got those balconies. And then we took the stage and dropped it down so that I was more in the crowd

because literally it's a rock venue, so you're like six feet above the crowd. So we dropped it down, and instead of doing a little diving board, which is normally what they do. Right, you mean platform right yeah i did i did an oval so you could walk so you could work the whole room so you came down from the main stage and you put you created an oval at the bottom yeah oh that's great it was a dream setup my daughter this is my favorite story about this yeah first show goes all right not that great to be honest with you what happened tape two it rained and the generators went out. Oh, really?

And so the audience had to wait in the rain for like an hour and a half while we fixed that. So the show's an hour and a half late. Kind of like trying to shake out their umbrellas and shit. They're losing their buzz. I mean, even I'm sitting there in the back just sitting there waiting. Yeah. And so first show did not go off the way I wanted it to. Yeah. Okay, but there waiting. Yeah. And so first show did not go off the way I wanted it to.

Yeah. Okay, but not great. Right. Before we had left that night, my oldest daughter said, hey, dad, break a leg. They were in Philly with us. Yeah. Hey, dad, break a leg. Yeah. And my youngest daughter goes, hey, dad, break two legs.

And my wife goes, that's not why they say it. She goes, what? She goes, it's back from Shakespearean time. They'd want them to stomp. When something was really good, they'd stomp. So you'd want to do so well that they'd break their legs when they were performing. Right. The audience would break their legs.

Oh, I get it. So Isla goes, how many people in the audience? My wife goes, 500. She goes, hey, break 1,000 legs. So the first show goes off mediocre, right? Second show, my buddy Tony's producing it. And he's like, you know, let's have a great show. Not like, have a great show, like good luck. Like like you know let's let's have a great show let's like not like have a great show like good luck like look at me like have a great show right so we go out and it starts going you know when you know when you're in the pocket yeah and it's

just moving right and you're like don't fuck this up right and i get to the one joke the one booze drinking joke i think i have in the show yeah where it's it's in the trailer but i i had gone to my daughter's parent teacher conference hungover and still high from the night before I'd brought a coffee and two diet cokes and I murdered the coffee before the meeting even starts and then in the meeting they're saying they're gonna have to hold her back and I'm like fuck so I grab a diet coke

take a sip and as it hits my lips I realize I have a Coors Light in a parent teacher conference it gets a laugh right but then this was the line I liked. Is it true? Oh, 100% true. 100% true.

And Mark, I brought two fucking Coors Lights to this meeting. I brought two Coors Lights. The joke is when a beer hits your lips at seven in the morning in a parent-teacher conference, that's like a finger in your ass at an orgy. You got to real quick decide what kind of man you are. Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it? And I said, I pushed back into it. And the second I said that you know it's philly a beer big beer drinking they start stomping on the ground like crazy in the truck which is like 200 years old yeah and all i'm thinking is oh my god the show's fucked the house is gonna come down right the and then i hear

my daughter going break a thousand legs i go and i get chills down it right now i'm like we're here and i and it was the it was the best show i've ever had in my life i walked off stage and i was like if we got audio and we got cameras on that i'm the happiest man in the world and you did yeah and i yeah and so i'm super excited i mean i'm fatter than i'd want to be in it yeah but fuck it but i mean that was sort of your thing this is i guess no but what do you mean you guys every every fat until sagura said I was fat. I never thought I was fat. Every picture I've seen of you, it's just like you're in a bikini bathing suit or something. Yeah, that's because I'm from Florida.

But you were looking at yourself thinking like, that's a svelte guy? He's really in shape? No, but I have whatever the opposite of anorexia is. Where I look at myself, I go, I don't look that bad. And now everyone points it out like crazy really oh my god i mean even netflix yeah like netflix really they said you were fat were they netflix uh you know how those they're like hey we're gonna give you a billboard you get excited i mean guys like me and you go yeah billboard that's amazing yeah where's it

gonna be yeah that's like someone going hey you're telling your mom we're getting you a landline i gotta take a picture of that yeah yeah yeah so uh i go great and they go here are our two choices we're really leaning for number two uh number two yeah is just a shot of my belly no face just a shot of my belly that says burt kreischer secret time yeah and i saw it and i was like and i and i didn't see the right one and i replied i go i don't i don't know about that and they're like we're really attached to it we really think it's funny we really think it's your it'll be great for the special yeah and i saw it again and i was like ah fuck it it's funny as shit yeah and so it's just your belly it's just my belly just my belly on melrose avenue your round belly yeah oh my god but like so okay so that so they started stomping at the truck that's an old place

right it's such a that is like a great venue, though. It's amazing. Because it's a theater, but somehow it's intimate. We found. Right on top of you. We found. It's great because they built them the way they should have been told when there was no audio.

Yeah. So it's really intimate, really on top of you. And my daughters got to come earlier, and we got to explore the truck, and we found ticket stubs from like 1918. Get out of here. and they and where up in the top the top top top oh you went on the rafters we went into the way the closed part on the third floor oh really and uh i went to the guy i said hey man we found these yeah if we keep them and he's like yeah and so we got these old ticket stubs from like 1918 oh so like your daughter must be like wow you found treasure oh they're going on my poster. Fuck them. Yeah.

I'll put them in my man cave. Oh, yeah? You don't get them? No. They're going to see this special and hate me. I just talk shit about them the whole time. You do, but nice shit. How old are they now?

I don't know. Is it kids? You don't know? Yeah, no. Is it an estimate? 12 and 14. They just changed ages. So I go back to like 10 and 13.

But 12 and 14. Oh, my God. Once in high school. Uh-huh. And the other one, I'm doing a bit now about her having her period. Oh, great. That's going to be great for them. Yeah, I know.

They're going to be really happy when their friends get to watch it. I don't know another way to do it, Mark. Like, I don't know another way to do it other than just tell about exactly what's going on in my life. But not unlike when you have a wife or a girlfriend and you're thinking about doing a bit that involves them you usually kind of try to put it past them you're trying to get get a you know them to okay it yeah but have you ever have you ever here's the here's the caveat i just don't know how that works with kids have you ever taken a bit that happened with you and then it works on stage and

it's already worked and then you go back to the wife and try to retrofit it like you're cool with me talking about you farting during oral sex and she's like huh

you're like nevermind nevermind you're like fuck it I'll just do it on the road right that's it like the secret part like I've done bits where I'm like

alright this is between us I say that to an audience I say secret time I go secret time and I tell this I go my daughters are dumb as shit see but don't

like cause I'm on the road I'm in Omaha that's what that means yeah so no one like my kids will never see it

and then we get to getting ready to tape and I'm like well shit this bit about my daughters is killing right now yeah

and then you're like fuck it up and then so I had to clear I had to clear some stuff with them yeah like go through it and be like

hey I call you guys stupid are you guys cool with that and they're like yeah uh-huh i was like all right cool uh-huh and then i kind of ran by some bits but some bits you know yeah they're just gonna have to take the hit they'll say oh they'll be smoking pot in college and they're like oh shit that's your dad that's your dad i've never seen this yeah Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, that was when I was 12. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah, that's, I think. But I make fun of myself as much as them, and I think it's even keeled.

No, sure. I mean, I think that's a good rationalization, and I've made that rationalization. When they go like, that hurt my feelings, you're like, but did you see me hurt myself? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Hey guys, hey guys, you guys need a new teeth, right?

This is how we pay for it. Oh, that's how you do it. A little bit. I have no idea what the repercussions of this generation and maybe the one before us, because I don't remember, some comics talk about their family, but not as specifically as we do. You know, like there's a sort of honesty to comedy now because we all want to make it as personal as possible.

We have no idea what the repercussions on that next generation is going to be. Your kid. So I would start making notes, see how it progresses, see what kind of adults say,

just as a research project. It's interesting, I never thought of it that way. It was originally take my wife, please. And I'm sure people were like, so that's your wife? Yeah.

And she's like, he's a comedian. Right,'s like he's a comedian right right and then it cut distance yeah and then it cut to my wife my wife's gaining weight and everyone's like wow that's her in the back row yeah and you're like hi honey it's yeah yeah and then it comes to like when I put my finger in my wife's ass uh it did you know it's like wait what's happening that seemed real dude I I had to clear it with my dad because i might i'm talking about my dad in the special and my dad's not that guy like he's not put out there kind of like yeah no social media no nothing and he's got friends i know my i hurt my dad yeah and so i had to be like hey dad i say a few things about like yeah i talk about him spanking me for the first

time uh-huh and my and my dad my dad always goes, oh, you got a good imagination, buddy. And that shit never happened. I was like, no, I definitely got spanked. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? It was 1975. You don't think I got spanked? Yeah. And he was like, I never hit you the way you say.

And you're like, okay. Just so you know, I'm telling everyone the way I say. Yeah. And so he was like, and he was cool. He was like, look, whatever you say, you're a comedian. It's about getting laughs. I'm cool with it. I love you. I'm proud of you. Yeah. And so you're like, all right, good. He was like, look, whatever you say, you're a comedian. It's about getting laughs. I'm cool with it. I love you.

I'm proud of you. Yeah. And so you're like, all right, good. Yeah. Well, now watch the special. And? I don't know. He hasn't seen it yet.

I wrote some shit about my, I've always bust out my dad. Yeah. But, you know, earlier on, it was kind of hostile. I was kind of mad at him. I remember. Yeah. But then, like, later, like, in the book like in the book like he like it got bad like he didn't talk to me for a while i remember i'm dude i yeah are we talked about it no i'm a i'm a fan

of yours like my wife and i have had dinner talking about conversations you've had with people and i i ended up sending him some money oh they were good not really it was so funny though because i just started telling this story like when he was really mad at me about the book i'm like i got my side of it you know if you think that I've cost you something, you know, like if you think that I've somehow hurt your reputation or whatever, you know, what do you think I owe you? Really?

Yeah, this is a while back. We're okay now. I'm going to send him something. So wait, what's the price point? What do I need to- No, no, he goes, $100,000. And I'm like, i'll send you five and he was like all right we're good yeah yeah i think he was really he just took a shot oh see my mom's the opposite my mom is dying to be in the special oh yeah she's like and my dad

is like you have any bits about your mom and i I was like, no. For some reason, my mom just kind of operated in that like, almost like I'm not allowed to have dreams type of woman role back in the 70s. It's weird like that, which one you blame. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, I think as I get older, that the one we don't blame is probably the one. It's probably the- Definitely.

You know, to be like, whoever's taking the hit, it's the other one. Because I've been pretty hard on my dad, but when I think about my mom, I'm like, oh, fuck. She did it. And I'm sure there's parts of my dad that's like, at least he's not bringing up the real shit. Yeah, sure. Like, there's some real shit that went down in our family where he's like, well, thank God, he's just saying about spanking. Everyone spanked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah, not the weird uncle or whatever. Oh the cheating on my wife or yeah like i won't i don't talk about that shit but yeah i don't know if i talked about yeah i i don't know if they've both taken a hit my mom seems to be a better sport about it but you know lately i don't know like i did even on my last special i took a shot at my dad but i've tried to get a little better about like i do that line about like do you remember the day you realized your dad was a fucking idiot i do i do my uncle told me i was sitting on the steps of my girlfriend's apartment yeah and my parents were going through a breakup yeah and i was holding my dad responsible entirely i was like

fuck him he's dead to me yeah and my uncle jerry called me and he was like first of all you're a fucking idiot okay you understand your dad's a human being he's a man he has wants and he has needs and one day you will understand that mark i swear to god as i'm sitting inside your house and we're talking about wanting things yeah i want a better it's i'm going i want to call my dad and go so when your midlife crisis started and you fucked everything up how do i get in front of that yeah no i know because i feel like i'm right there with them like stride to stride and you and it's so funny because i resented him for having a midlife crisis right at the same age i'm having it yeah and you go and now you feel like a weird connection where you oh yeah yeah i i used to do a joke where i'm like

at some point as a man you're gonna have to have that you know sit down with your father and just you know look at him right in the eye and go like okay how do i avoid becoming you because it's happening and i want out is there any advice you can give me i've got my dad's body when he was my age oh boy like i can see it like my dad's tits collapsed like where it was like muscle and then just like fat tit and i the other day i'm looking in the mirror and i'm like oh my god i'm getting my dad's breasts oh my god so wait did you ask him uh no did you talk to him i haven't actually this is like what we're talking about in the kitchen is like right on top of me so is that right so you're just kind of putting that together that it might be the midlife thing happening i

think so i'm not like i like i just how old are you 45 45 and I think everything's going in the right direction I'm really happy with where I'm at I love my life I love my wife I love my kids but I feel like I feel like I'm insatiable you know what I mean? Sure. Like I want more like I for me for the most part I've been doing it with drugs alcohol

food and then I just got to a point where I was like alright none of that shit's working it's making me unhappy not boo not booze like i'm still drinking it and i'll still smoke pot and i still try to eat like shit but i was like i need to write this boat and find out what's at the base of it and then immediately i was like i want to spend money and then i was like okay but so how long you've been like like you're eating better and you're exercising i got a nutritionist i've and i really yeah i got a nutritionist. Really? Yeah. I got a nutritionist and I started getting, only because I don't want to die. I don't want to be the old comic you see at the store who's drinking booze in the back

at like 57 and shaking. I don't want to be that guy. I'm not that. I was never that guy. Right. And I don't want to slide into that role. Right. And people go, of course, that's Bert.

Yeah. And then I got into, and I think it's all based on me and Tom's bully friendship of picking on each other and loving each other. You and Cigar, yeah. Yeah. But I started getting into running marathons and half marathons and triathlons. Really? You're running every day?

Yeah. I run it. Today, I ran three more miles this morning. Yeah. Ate healthy. Had what looked like the identical shake that you had. Yeah. I've been eating avocado just like you eat it. A little sprinkle of sea salt. Yeah. Except I put red pepper flakes on it. Oh shake that you had. Yeah. I've been eating avocado just like you eat it,

a little sprinkle of sea salt. Yeah. Except I put red pepper flakes on it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And then, you know, like last night I didn't drink because I knew I was coming here and I was like, I have a busy day today.

So I think that has changed on me because last night I would have definitely drank. Like I just would have partied until 2 in the morning. Why? What happened last night? Nothing. Nothing, Mark. Fucking nothing. I just would have drank. Yeah, okay. morning. What happened last night? Nothing. Nothing, Mark. Fucking nothing. I just would have drank.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that might be a problem. Yeah, and so, like, I'm on this more of a path of, like, let's get your shit done. Let's be a tad bit accountable. Right. Well, no, like, you got the itch, you know? So you're a guy. You got that thing.

You got the compulsive bug, you know? And it's got to be, be you know you always need a little something dude i connected so i met this nutritionist yeah uh cynthia sass is her name and we started talking about eating habits me and you are very some you and nikki glaze are very similar in that i don't know how to eat healthy yeah like i don't i can really quickly i heard the podcast you did with her it like it was like hearing someone say like, oh yeah, I was molested. And then you're like, wait, I think I was too. I was like, I think I have an eating disorder.

I only know how to, I only know how to not eat. I know how to get my calories down to 900 and, and, and not be happy and go to bed miserable and wake up miserable. But I don't know how to eat healthy. Yeah. I'm trying, I'm trying to do it. You know? Oh, I'm, I'm trying to do it, you know. Oh, I'm like... I like to eat all the time.

That's the thing. It's like I can eat healthy, but I still need to fucking eat all the time. My problem is I go to eat and I order two meals because I go I want the meal I want, I should order, and then I want the meal I want. It's all order two meals. That's your thing, yeah. Oh, yeah, I order appetizer.

I go make it rain. For a while, my diet, I order appetizer. I go, make it rain. For a while, my diet was not ordering appetizers. Right. I was like, that's my diet. I just won't order appetizers. I'm like, yeah. And even the other day,

I said to the girls, I go, what do you guys want for lunch? It's Sunday. I just done the triathlon. I felt like I accomplished shit. Sure. You reward yourself. Dude, after I did the marathon,

I gained 15 pounds within a week. I was eating like I had a month to live. Like, I would just get pizzas, and I'd put ranch on the pizza, and then sriracha on the ranch. I was just like a fucking lunatic. And then at one point, I started going, I'm not drinking. But then that means I can drink root beer. So I was murdering root beers left and right. For me, it's impulse.

Like I can't, if you said to me, you want to have a cigar? I'd be like, I love that feeling. I love that like trigger feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if you said, I haven't had a drink in 19 years. You want to go get a cocktail, Bert? I'd be like, oh, darn, fuck my day.

Fuck my day. Let's go, let's go. Hey, by the way, congratulations on that. Thank you very much. Well, that's the thing is like I got, it's always something always something so i was like i was off the nicotine for a while and then like i started i had a cigar here and there but then it's a matter it's only a matter of time from one a day yeah you know and then maybe sometimes two yeah like fucking real cigars right and then you're like you're like what am i doing in my mouth what the fuck is happening

so i got this cold and it got me off the fucking nicotine, John. So I haven't had a cigar in like five days, and now I'm sort of off the physical addiction of it. Yeah. But goddamn, I feel that itch, though. Like, oh, I just want something. For me, it was that marathon. When I did the marathon, I quit smoking cigars

because I was like, I would really feel the effect on my lungs the next day. Sure. And so I quit smoking weed and because I was like, I would really feel the effect on my lungs the next day. Sure. And so I quit smoking weed and marathons for the, or weed and cigars for the marathon. And then I, and then I got to like, I guess marathon was in like March and I was like, I haven't smoked a cigar in three months. And then I was like, fuck it, I'll plan another thing and then I'll keep away from that. And then I did the triathlon and I kind of, I went on a little bit of a bender with a, on a tour that we did.

But then I was like, all right, I'm back. And I, I think having these goals, like setting things up for me, kind of keeps me on the straight and narrow. Like you're in training. A little bit. Yeah. Even though I still kind of go off with, I will go off every now and then. Yeah.

But, you know. Yeah, I don't know. Like I get, like I've kind of like reeled it in with the diet thing and, you know, eating healthier because I got the cholesterol thing. doc said you know yeah i got all that too you do of course you take pills i take blood pressure pills really yeah yeah no that kind of kind of scared me the the like genetic cholesterol problem you know yeah so that with that there went uh with that went ice cream for the most part what about about, what about like frozen yogurt? Nothing. Really?

No, like I've been on this fucking sugar fast for months. It was only supposed to be 30 days. It's been four months. I took off like 10 pounds. You look great. Thanks man. And I've been working out, but like, but now I'm like, here's the, here's what you got to get into.

And maybe this is the other side of the eating disorders. Like now that I'm like, I'm only eating basically no dairy no rice no beans just fucking mostly fish vegetables and nuts and avocados that's where i'm at that's it that's where i'm at but now i don't know how to get out of it because my trainer's like maybe you should you know start doing some carbs like uh some sweet potatoes i'm like i don't know who my wife made uh sweet potatoes last night and i was like i can't fuck with them she's like it's good for you and i was like it's good for you. And I was like, it's good for you. It's not good for me.

Because I'm not going to have what we call a serving of that. I will have the rest of what is in that bowl. Yeah. And where does it stop? And how much have you lost? I lost 13 pounds from my heaviest. And that was like I really I went through a tear

on the special no on the special I was lighter than I am now oh really yeah cause I was I was training for something oh okay so I was like

I was focused yeah and then as soon as the special was done yeah I did the marathon and then I just I ballooned up

I got the biggest I got was like 250 was it fun like ballooning up yeah oh it was amazing it was amazing Mark

I was like I would go we were doing a theater tour and I'd go and I'd go, and they'd have Tito's waiting backstage for me, and I'd get in on the airplane, and they'd say, do you need anything for your green room? And I'd go, hey, what's the special food you got here? Yeah. And they go, oh, Coney's. You got a Detroit, you got to get the Coney's.

I was like- One of those hot dogs? Yeah, yeah, with the cheese and the chili. And I go, I want like 50 bucks worth of those and they're like okay and then they just line them up in the back and you're like and people will come back my sister was there yeah i was like hey check these out coney's and my sister's like me it's like oh let's fucking murder them and we're just murdering coney's go to the next place hey what's really big here it was the best and then i'd land in la and i'd still be on that tear yeah you know there's an in and out right by lax i was

like i got murder one in and out. I haven't had breakfast yet. I've already had a couple of Tito's on the plane. But like you get off the plane, you're like, that's all that's on your mind, right? Oh. Yeah. In and out. Mark, Mark, Mark.

Do you get a shake? I'm already telling you. No, I don't do a shake. I'll tell, I'm, when I get off the plane in LAX, that is where I am like at my most vulnerable. Like, cause, right. Cause I fly American all the time. Yeah, me too. So you got those roast beef sandwiches they make at that bar with the hot mustard. At LAX?

At LAX. If you're down by 48, 49, those gates, that little ball. Yeah. When you walk out, right to the right, there's a bar, and they have a roast beef sandwich with the hot mustard that you get down at Philippe's. Yeah, yeah. It's that. It's out of, it's one.

I would, I know those guys by name. Like when they see me, they're like, hey, roast beef. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll eat that on the car ride home. Where is it? They had the Kogi taco truck next to that for a while. Oh, oh.

They got the burger place behind it. They got the fucking. Oh, in that little food court now. They got the macaroons off to the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the little French coffee place. Dude. Yeah.

And then you can get great sandwiches. They got the sandwich place that's on La Brea. I forget the name of it right now. Daphne Brogdon's husband owns it. Daphne, what happened to that? That's right. She married a restaurateur. We go back to Nevermind the Buzzcocks.

That was one of my favorite television shows I've ever done. By the way, that's the best I've ever been on television in my entire life. When you did that? I've never been funnier in my life. I wish somebody watched it. Dude, do you remember they did the show? Just for those of you who don't, Mark had a show called Nevermind the Buzzcocks. I did the American version of Nevermind the Buzzcocks for VH1.

We shot like maybe 10 of them. Yeah. And nobody watched them. And there's no evidence of it anywhere. They bring us on. This is, I had tested to be a co-host of it. Right. And I didn't get it.

And then I was like, okay. But they're like, hey, we want you to be on an episode. So the episode I did, it was the lead singer from Loverboy. Right. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And you were so excited. I was so excited because they're like, the premise was they're going to put three people up on there and you got to guess which one's the lead singer from Lover right. Yeah. And you were so excited. I was so excited because they're like, the premise was they're going to put three people

up on there and you got to guess which one's the lead singer from Loverboy. Yeah. His name is Dave something, right? Yeah. And so they got three people and everyone's like going back and forth like, what do we do? What do we do? And I was like, oh, I can figure this out real quick.

And they're like, yeah. And the three guys are standing off there looking to the way. And I just go, hey, Dave. And one guy looks, I go, it's a guy in the middle. And everyone died laughing. And I looked at you and you're like, oh, you just totally destroyed the room in the game. The game's like. And then.

But that was the funniest. I thought it was like, didn't he do the hand thing? I said, I go. And then they're like, all right, do more. Ask him more questions. I go, all right, everyone turn around and do the sign, the lover boy sign boy sign behind your back and two of the guys were like one's guys flicking us off yeah the other guy's doing a peace sign yeah and then the one guy has the lover boy sign and we're like we got it because i remember you got real excited you know me i'm a man who lives

by his fluids yeah oh and then and then i almost fucked tiffany oh yeah you remember that tiffany yeah the singer yeah it was me uh uh the kid from New Kids on the Block, the smaller one. Yeah. Joey or something. I don't remember. Yeah. That whole thing is a blur to me. Yeah.

Sebastian Bach and Sherrod Small. And we're in the back in the green room smoking a joint. Right. And Tiffany's hitting on me. Like, just kind of flirting with me. Get out of here. And she goes, we should hang out in LA. And I was like, okay.

And she was like, yeah. I was like, hang out in LA. And I was like, okay. And she was like, yeah. I was like, yeah, something like that. I was like, cool. And she walks away and Sebastian Bach's got a joint in his mouth. He's like,

you're going to fuck Tiffany. You're going to fuck Tiffany. I can't believe this happened. You're going to fuck Tiffany. And I was like, I'm excited. I'm like, I know, I know. And then she comes in.

We all talk a little bit. Joey McIntyre. Joey McIntyre's there. And she goes, all right, guys, take care. And she leaves. And everyone's like,

oh, you didn't get her number. I was like, yeah. I was like, yeah, you know what, this is a good story as it is, and they're like, yeah, and pass the joint around one more time,

have a beer, I think, and then all of a sudden her manager comes in and goes, Tiffany would like to have you, give you her number, and hands me her number, and I can see Sebastian Bach shaking

and Joey McIntyre shaking and Sherrod Small, and we're all like, and he leaves, and I'm like, it's gonna happen. It was the funnest. That was my favorite, one of my favorite shows I've ever done in my life.

What happened with Tiffany? Cut to three months later, I'm in LA with my buddy Eddie. And I've told everyone this story about Tiffany. I've told everyone this story. About the phone number. Yeah, about the phone number. And I don't follow through with that. Anyone who gives me their phone number, I'm suspect of.

So we're driving on uh wilshire crossing santa monica you know by kind of out where the playboy mansion is a little bit yeah yeah yeah and uh i'm with my buddy eddie and i'm looking we're pulling next to this black mercedes yeah and it is keyed top to bottom whore bitch c word all across all across the side just not the seat but the actual word yeah written all in the door and Top to bottom. Whore. Bitch. C-word. All across. All across the side. Just not the C, but the actual word. Yeah.

Written all in the door. And we are reading this like, oh my God, whose car is this? And the window rolls down and it's Tiffany. She goes, Bert? And I was like, Tiffany? She's like, you never called me. And I was like, I'm definitely not calling now. I don't know what you did to get your car keyed that bad, but I went out of that.

She's still hot. I don't give a shit. All right, buddy. Well, that was good. Well, congratulations. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. On the special and on getting healthy and everything.

You seem great. I'm in a good place right now. You always seem pretty chipper, though. I've never seen you in a dark place. Yeah. I like having a good time. I always say there's comments. I know, but sometimes you think it's your shtick. I think even when you're not doing all the things that hurt you

or that you shouldn't do, you seem pretty chipper. I think, you know, I always say this. I got into comedy to giggle. I like giggling. I like giggling. So it's like any night at a to giggle. I like giggling. I like- Yeah, yeah. And so it's like any night at a comedy club for me is just giggling. Yeah.

You see someone work and you're like, I can call back things you said on stage and go, oh, I got, I call them skipper fingers where your fingers go up like this and they start wiggling. You go, oh, shut up. Oh, shut up. I remember a run. I remember a set you did in the belly room, and you just were ranting about the store. And I'm in the back going, oh.

Oh, yeah. I'm just happy. I just like being a comic. That's it. No, it's great. I mean, some days are better than others, but it's great. Yeah. When you can watch your friends and still get a kick out of them.

Some dudes. I would say I'm lucky. My friends are the funniest people in the world. Who's your inner circle? Segura, Burr. Segura, Burr, Rogan, Al Madrigal. I put you in there. How's Al doing?

Al's doing great. I just had breakfast with him and Burr yesterday. Are you part of that operation? All Things Comedy, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We do my cooking show, Something's Burning. I'd love to have you on it okay whenever whenever is it a podcast oh you haven't seen it no it's a video it's a video i do it's a cooking show it's like a 40 minute cooking show for all things comedy for all things comedy it's getting big numbers yeah i i just go

in and i cook a meal i'm not a real good cook yeah but i cook a meal for my friends yeah and we just bullshit oh that's funny and it's and it's mostly people making fun of me being a bad cook and drinking. Where can people see that? See it on YouTube, on All Things Comedy's YouTube. And we're making more. I think we're expanding and doing more. And they're allowing a little more room for us to create. I think that was our meeting yesterday.

And so last night I was shooting promos for my special because I like that shit. Yeah. Shooting stuff on Instagram. Yeah. And the promo I was doing was, hey, it's Bert my special because I like that shit. Yeah. Shooting stuff on Instagram. Yeah. And the promo I was doing was, hey, it's Bert Kreischer and I'm here at the store. I was hoping you'd be there last night because you'd be perfect for this.

I was supposed to be, but I got stuck in a recording session. I was supposed to be on Tripoli Show. I know, I was on that show too. So I wanted you on this bad because the premise was, it's Bert Kreischer, I'm at the store and I'm asking my friends,

the best comics in the world, how you should enjoy a comedy special. So the question is, should you watch it alone or with people? Should you drink or smoke weed or watch it sober? Should you watch it on an iPad, a TV, or a- Yeah. I like watching them alone, generally. So you don't have to look at the other person like, huh?

You know what I mean? Yeah. Anytime you watch a comedy special with someone else that you like the comic, you feel like, I'm going to sell you on this guy. You know what know like yeah i did that with my wife i like you know nanette came out i said hey you should watch this like it's and you know my wife's just trashing it and i'm like now you're making me side with her like please don't do this like just i do that with like i put on dimitri martin special my wife's like i don't get it. I'm like, oh, then I'm like, I don't know if I can. Maybe we should just say, yeah.

My wife likes Bill Burr. Yeah. Like, she loves him. Yeah. She likes, the only thing she'll really enjoy is your podcast and Bill Burr. Oh, good. Yeah. I feel like I'm in good company.

Yeah. Two guys I am absolutely nothing like. What about you? She like you? No, get tired of it. Give it five five more years i've seen this act every day i'm telling you it's not whatever you're seeing on stage for an hour i got 23 other ones that would disprove whatever your argument is yeah she's the kind of woman that when someone goes must be rough living with birds like you have no idea and then we'll just start spilling i go honey just could have been like, yeah, you know, comics.

Not like this morning. His semen tastes bad when he drinks too much. I'm like, they don't need to know that. Like, don't tell them that. Come on. That's true. Good talking to you. I love you, man.

Thank you. I love you, too. Huh? Happy Bert. I don't know if he's happy, but he's excited. You know, he gets me excited, and he gets people excited. That's what he does. He's a fun guy.

His new Netflix special, Secret Time, is streaming now. So, Ian Bagg, as I said, a guy've i've kind of known he's been around for a long time he's always been there i've always like hey there's ian bagg and now here's ian bagg on my show uh his podcast national bag radio is available from all things comedy this is me talking to ian bagg i haven't seen you in a while It's been a couple days right Has been right Yeah

I mean like when the fuck I can't like It was one of those things Where I think I saw you And I'm like oh shit Ian's gotta do this show You know what It's funny cause I

I go in spurts with you I'll see you in just random places Right I ran into you in Australia Right Yeah When was that That was For the festival Or when I was doing a show Yeah That was a few years ago see you in just random places. Right. I ran into you in Australia. Right. Yeah. When was that?

That was... For the festival or when I was doing a show? Yeah, for the festival. Yeah. That was a few years ago. That was, I want to say, 2010. And you were doing like a one dude thing there? Yeah. That's what you do there.

Yeah. Yeah. I went over there and did it and yeah, it was fun. So Australia. Then I saw you, where? At the store or something? I've seen the store a couple weeks ago. Right.

Yeah. That's when we set this up? I think it just been set up and then we just ran into each other. Oh, cruise in and out of the store i'm very quick in there uh-huh i don't i don't just hang i'm one of those guys who goes in and gets out you're afraid oh yeah i'm one of those guys i i don't like hugging people uh-huh and i don't and sometimes i don't just like talking to people so i just get out there's nothing but trouble over there there is nothing but like if you get like sometimes i'm there late like i i you know i go in and do my spot but like after like 10 30 11 it did something happens uh yeah yeah yeah something definitely happened like

11 to 2 it's like a whole different things get a little chaotic it's a little scattered yeah you kind of like what's going on in? I actually just did something that you might be interested in. What? I bought a house on the east coast of Virginia. Really? And I just happened to be out there. My wife is from out there in Cape Charles. Do you have kids? No.

I'm doing all these renovations on it, and I started doing a podcast with a contractor, a friend of mine, about me trying. Because, I don't know, you said to me, I have to put a kitchen in here and i just thought i wonder what he knows about doing kitchen because i know nothing about doing stuff so i i just end up in these situations where i'm like i need to i need to ask questions so well that's good because if you're actually doing a podcast with a contractor you kind of hold them accountable so you can you could do the entire arc of the renovation and then when he fucks you on the bill you can be like like, this did not work out the way I planned. Exactly, and I don't hire him.

I just ask him questions and then have somebody else. Or just interrogate him. Like, what is this charge for? I don't remember you being here that many hours. Nails. Who uses nails in 2018? That's crazy. What are you, primitive?

Yeah. So I'm trying to remember, like, I first met you in New York. I think you came there as a child. You were friends with Bonnie McFarlane, primitive? Yeah. So I'm trying to remember, like, where, like, I first met you in New York. I think you came there as a child. You were friends with Bonnie McFarlane, maybe? Really? I met you in Montreal first? Yep. Really?

Yep. At the Montreal Comedy Festival. When was that? 1996? Really? Isn't that wild? So that was before I was anybody. Was I wandering around for Comedy Central interviewing people?

Yeah, you may have been and doing sets. And I remember where I was. It was at the Comedy Works. 95, 96. Like one of the packed Comedy Works shows. Yeah, one of the packed Comedy Works shows. And you gave me, I had only been doing comedy for a year. Yeah.

And you were nice to me. So we were up in the dressing room kind of deal? We were all, it was. Right. It was, we were up in the dressing room kind of deal? We were all, it was- Right. It was, we were up in the dressing room and hanging in the stairwells. It was a tell, it was OCK. Right. Yeah, it was all these guys.

95, 96, something like that, right? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. And you lived there? I lived in Vancouver. I hitchhiked out to see what the Montreal Comedy Festival was all about. You hitchhiked from Vancouver to Montreal? That's like 1,500 miles, isn't it?

Yeah, it's across the- The entire country? Yeah. Two rides. Really? Yeah. Trucks? Nope, just random guys.

And would you guys get hotel rooms? I mean, did you go straight through? Straight through. I was that age where you just go straight through, and I guess they were delivering something, even though they weren't in trucks, so they wanted to get it done, too. So where'd you grow up, though? I grew up in northern British Columbia, a little town called Terrace, B.C., up near Ketchikan, Alaska. Oh, so that's on the west side? West side, yeah.

Oh, man. So what was going on up there? How many people in that place? It was 10,000 random people in the middle of nowhere, logging, mining. It's pretty, though? Yeah. If you like outdoors, it is beautiful. If you don't like many people and you like the outdoors, yeah.

Why were you up there? How come? My dad was a heavy-duty mechanic, worked on trucks, and my mom was a nurse, and that. Why were you up there? How come? My dad was a heavy duty mechanic, worked on trucks. Yeah. And my mom was a nurse and that's why I lived up there. So they needed a nurse and they needed to- I think it was more my dad. Lumber trucks?

Yeah, yeah. He had to get, the guys that drive the trucks, my dad would say were idiots. So they always put it back together. Really? Yeah. I'd come back and tell me. He'd tell me about the square head German all the time. It would ruin the truck.

Square head German? I had no idea. What doeshead German? I had no idea. What does that mean? I have no idea. But in my head, all I could see was he couldn't wear a hard hat because of his head. Oh, a squarehead German. Yeah. That's the one thing you remember about your childhood.

Yeah. Dad complaining about his Pacific German fella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was also the gunsmith in town. Your dad was? No, the German fella. The German. Oh, so he knew him. Oh, yeah. They were friends. He was calling him the square in town. Your dad was? No, the German fellow. The German. Oh, so he knew him.

Oh, yeah. They were friends. He was called the square head German. What's a gunsmith do? He would fix everybody's guns in town. Sort of like a knife sharpener when your trigger went, or you just bring the gun in, and maybe he'd clean it or straighten it out. Yeah, he would sell some guns.

Yeah. He would also, I remember going over there, and he would uh also all he would put the bullets he would take all the shells and oh load the shotgun shells load them all back machine yeah i know how to do that yeah yeah it's a strange skill for a jew uh in general but i learned it at camp i went to a camp once yeah you put the shell down and then you put the powder and then you put a plastic wad thing uh-huh to separate the powder from the shot right you put the shell down and then you put the powder and then you put a plastic wad thing to separate the powder from the shot. Right.

And then you put the shot, you know, whatever it is, buckshot or whatever gauge shot you're going to use. Or the ball. And then you seal the fucker up. Ugh. You know, crimp it. I remember that he would do 22. He was doing 22 shells all the time.

Well, that's like, I don't know how to do that. That's like real bullet shit. Shotgun shells, you just loan it up. It's basically the it's basically the same i just remember it's powder and then you got to put a top on it like oh really yeah huh so what did you do a lot of shooting no not not matching yeah just a little bit uh i was i was never you know my dad would take me out hunting and i'd be crying the whole time while shooting something so it's just it's like all right we'll try fishing and then i hit him it's the him. It's the worst experience. It's the worst experience. You put him in a position to kill something.

Just like, oh, I remember. I remember they'd bring home moose and would be hanging in the garage outside. Who? Like you got older brothers? No, my dad and his friends. And then they'd gut a moose in the garage. I just remember watching guts fall out. And I just like, oh, I can't go out.

Oh, my God. They're so big huge they would have it on a on a winch that would take a motor out of a car right right hanging there was just I remember seeing moose when I lived in Alaska when I was a kid I lived in Alaska Anchorage from uh like just I was little though it was like 69 through 71 a couple years my dad was in the service and I remember us walking outside and going coming face to face with a bull moose about like 25 feet, 30 feet away. Just that stare down where you're like, what's going to happen?

Well, what happens? Yeah, nothing happened. But they're intense animals. Yeah. They look wild. When they're all fired up, when they're all horny, that's when you really, something would have happened. Yeah.

But when they're not all horned up. Was there a lot of them around where you live yeah we'd see them all the time caribou too uh not so much caribou uh uh bear uh deer moose that's most yeah so so what'd you end up shooting when you're a kid what did i end up missing yeah you never she never hit nothing i never hit anything yeah it just it just it just i killed a bird once not even for hunting just for fucking bullshit and it i never really recovered from it it's it just it just i killed a bird once not even for hunting just for fucking bullshit and i never really recovered from it it's it just broke a little part of my heart and it just stays that way if i think about it just on purpose killing a pigeon for no fucking

reason with a with a pellet gun just because i was with some other kid who was like do it and i did it and he didn't no he did, he did it. He did too. But he was a sociopath. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I completely expected that. Kenny Ringland. I remember him. Oh, you do? Yeah, I remember that sociopath. There's always one guy, right?

Let's do something. Let's set something on fire. Let's set something on fire, preferably a dog. Those guys. And they're like, no thanks. Let's put a firecracker in a frog's ass. Oh, that guy.

Yeah, it takes a lot to do that. And they just whip frogs like they're frisbees. Oh, I hated those guys. Oh, that guy. Yeah, it takes a lot to do that. Oh, just, and they just whip frogs like they're frisbees? Oh, I hated those guys. Oh. The little frogs, yeah, after a baseball game down by the,

we had these things and why am I telling you this? I don't know, man. I just saw like, yeah, we had these ditches in Albuquerque, these arroyos, these like carved concrete ditches

for water runoff and there was one right behind where ditches for water runoff and there was one right behind where we played a little league baseball and there was a little teeny frogs in there and there was just some kid that was picking up the frogs and just fucking throwing them against the concrete just like that was what there's what is the thrill in that nothing happens other than something dies what's going on outside of that like what makes you fine with that to kill things yeah i mean i understand hunting i you know like i'm sure that you guys ate the moose for a year you cut you know they

shared it with his friends you cut it up you froze it and you ate it right yeah that's different yeah than just smashing frogs yeah or just killing a patient i remember walking or walking along the train tracks one day and there was a gardener snake on the track and i just seen it and then we walked by these local tufts and then on the way back the snake was just gutted and and matches were hanging out of it i remember and i just remember oh i'm like those guys and they kept moving yeah that was just that was their party that was they just had a good time the worst but i was just like where do they get all those matches that's what you wanted the matches train tracks walking along train tracks up there in northern canada west or south what is it what part would that be northern northwest northwest northwest that sounds great to me

just like just tracks of rain tracks forever big trees around yes hanging out yeah big gray sky with clouds and when it was sunny it was so good it would rain would outnumber the sun so hard how many siblings you got i have a sister she still lives up there she lives in a smaller town now she's a teacher in a little indian village called hazelton british columbia with uh indigenous people yes that's noble and good she's good she's a good person seems like and it's and that you think where i I grew up was beautiful, but there, it's way, it's- What's it, further north? A little further north.

Only about two and a half hours north, but it's- So what the fuck did you do up there as a teenager? Did you- Played hockey. Oh, that was it. Yeah, we played hockey. In the summer, we dreamed about playing hockey. The shortest baseball season ever.

Yeah. It started in May and it ended June. It was just one of those. Right. So when I actually got to hear about actual baseball, I'm like, 160 games? What the fuck? I played 12. And it's over.

Yeah. The entire season is the actual series, the World Series of Canada. But you were a hockey guy? Yeah, I was a hockey guy. You have to be, right, in Canada? It's a law, right? You either ski or you play hockey. And we took skiing in school. It was actually one of those. A class? Yeah. Would you just

walk out and there was snow to ski on? Yeah. We were really close to a mountain. Really? Yeah, it was really. So you know how to ski? Get some kale. Yeah. I actually Aspen. I don't know if you remember this. I was in Aspen with you. I've seen you ski before. Yeah, I can ski. I've seen you ski in jeans. Yeah.

Yeah. Aren't you supposed to? I loved it. It was cool. You reminded my friend Gene Scarron. I'm like, that's Gene Scarron. No, it's Marin. Yeah, I mean, I think I can still put them on and ski.

I mean, I did all right, right? I think everybody else was snowboarding and you were skiing, if I'm correct. Was Mishna there? Yes. Oh, yeah. I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

She was like, I tried to snowboard to take a lesson or two, and not for me. Yeah. I'm too old to get those things going, but I like to throw on the skis. You can hurt your hips pretty easy. Wow, what year was that? That was the end of it. That was the year that- That was the last one, I think.

Yeah, that was the last one for my marriage, too. Really? Yeah, man. Oh. Yeah. Was it the festival that ruined the marriage? Partly, partly. Yeah.

It was like me telling that story. Like, I did that show, the storytelling show. Uh-huh. I don't remember. Was it The Moth or something live? And I told the story about, you know, getting in a fight with her, and she got so embarrassed and hated me. That was it. Fuck that. That was the end of it, and she got so embarrassed and hated me. That was it.

That was the end of it, dude. It's all right. Yeah, it's turned out very well for you. I'm going to be honest with you. So, okay, so you're in Canada. Yes. And playing hockey, but what kind of trouble did you get into up there?

Did you have shitty friends and drive around? Yeah. Did you have a truck? What did you have? Yeah, we did have a pickup truck. I'm not pressuring you. If you don't have it in you. No, no, we have a truck what'd you have yeah we did have we had a pickup truck and uh trent i'm not pressuring you if you don't have it in you no no we we got we got truck where i talked to i talked to a couple friends that are rich enough that they've started car collections now i don't know you and it's quite annoying i can't and then they go what would you have and i'm like f-150s i'd collect f-150 pickup trucks. Yeah, right? Yeah, that's, I remember those.

Cool, yeah. Car collection people. Yeah. I guess, I mean. That's when you have too much money. What do you mean, like Corolla? Corolla, Gabriel Iglesias. He always collecting cars too?

He's got VW vans. He likes them? Yeah, he loves them. He's like the first VW bug that came to America. Really? Yeah. That's an odd thing. Yeah.

I think I'll stick with records. It just seems like I don't need to buy property to house my collection yet. Right. I don't need to buy a warehouse. Yeah, you don't need that. I guess if you have a good time having a couple cars, it's fine. I was just thinking about that this morning. How many can you drive? Well, I think it

seems reasonable to me that if you got one that you like to drive day to day, then you got one if you like to go up in the hills and drive around. And then if you got one that's like to drive day to day, then you got one if you like to go up in the hills and drive around. And then if you got one that's like a sports car that you can't drive anywhere except late at night. Right. I think that's the way to go. And maybe you have a family car.

You don't want that. But I think like max, if you're being like, what do you call it? If you're being indulgent, max three cars. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Sports car, day-to-day car, drive around in the mountains car. Yeah. Yeah, that seems reasonable for a rich person.

But when you're sort of like, I have nine of these. It's like, what? It's like people with guitars. Nine of one specific one. Right. And that's like, I'm doing that with records now. I got three copies of certain records. I just bought five copies of a Dylan record because I just didn't't want to lose it and i want to make sure i have it

now you got you got to build something to keep all the you got to keep you saw that yeah but you need a vault or something yeah yes oh see now i'm building property i love it so you had a truck you're running around running hockey drinking beer yes a lot of drinking beer are you still drinking uh i drink once in a while. Yeah. My recovery rate is not very good. Not anymore? I don't know about you.

No, I haven't drank in 20 years almost. But nothing? Nothing. Zero. Sober as fuck. No weed. No weed? Nothing.

Because I used to smoke pot with you. Yeah. Did we? Yeah. Yeah. What was that? When did that happen? I remember.

Tell me more about us. Tell me more about us me tell me more about us tell me more about just let me remember about us i remember you would uh take me outside the comic strip oh yeah yeah it's like you're like come with my dumb one hitter yeah yeah okay hey come with me and i'm like all right my little wooden box and my one yeah yep yeah because i needed people i knew smoke so like i didn't even smoke i just just wanted to be around you, you dick. So what was the plan, man? So you're up there in Canada. I'm up there in Canada.

I'm just hanging out with my buddies. I end up in Australia. My mom's Australian, so I end up in Australia for a year and a bit. Really? Just touring, like wandering around Australia. This is what, in high school? After high school. Did you go to college?

I started and didn't finish. So you went right after high school. You had family in Australia. Yeah. So right after high school, my grandma got sick. We all ended up going over there because she ended up passing away. I stayed. So I came home a year and a half later.

What'd you do over there? I just got random jobs. And my mom had started a fund for me When I was a child To do something after high school Oh really? So I had this money that You know

It was enough to keep me going around Australia For a year and a half Did you go to the middle? I did not make it to the middle But hung out at the top On both sides Went to the bottom Didn't get to Tasmania either

Really? For a year and a half You didn't go to the middle? I would just stick in little towns. Isn't there something in the middle? There is. There's a big red rock or something like that. You think there's a big red mystical rock?

I grew up in Terrace. We had rocks before. But that's a sacred rock. Yeah, it was going to be hot, though. It was going to be too hot. Did you see any big bugs? Oh, I've seen so many big bugs. Really?

Oh. Yeah. My uncle had a farm with a tomato farm and i stayed there for a month yeah didn't see one tomato uh blossom then realized years later he was growing weed oh yeah um oh really yeah did you check did you double check with him did you did you get confirmation yeah i got yeah yeah yeah he didn't tell you with his kids i got away with his kids yeah we didn't have a tomato farm it was pot man so uh you're too young to realize i was i was pretty naive yeah you know we smoked but also where i grew up it was a hash town it wasn't that's interesting

yeah like certain parts of europe and i guess canada it was hash i think it was because we were so there was a port and i think they used to smuggle it. From China or that side? Yeah, wherever. Because hash was nothing. I never saw hash when I was a kid. But in Europe, hash was everywhere. They'd mix it with tobacco. Tobacco. Yeah, but when I was growing up, I didn't see.

If someone had hash, you're like, no, it's not. Really? That's not real hash. I just remember almost like every kid had a block of it for some unknown reason. And it would just take forever. And we designed different things to smoke it. Yeah, like what? Knives. Knives were big in our town.

So get it under the glass? How would you do it? So you stick the knives into the electric stove burners on top. You heat them up until they're nice and red. And then you take a two liter pop pop bottle yeah cut it in half yeah and then you'd poke holes in the bottom flip it upside down uh put ice in it put ice in it yeah that way it cools down this right i have no idea yeah so and then and then you just you know like basically i don't understand how you kind of look like a you know yeah so so you take that you know

so you put the hot hash on the knife. On the knife. Boom. Right underneath the bottle. Right. Smoke goes up. I get it. Oh, okay. Suck it all in. Okay, so right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's exciting. Yeah, and then that's what we'd do. We'd go to Frank's Field. Yeah. And we'd- Smoke the hash. No, we'd smoke the hash, then go drink at Frank's Field.

That's a good night out. Oh, it was the best night out. And where I grew up- What's Frank's? What's Frank's Field? Frank's Field, it was just a field that's a good night out oh it was it was the best night out and where i grew up uh the franks field franks field it was just a field that frank owned yeah it was it had a sand like a big you know gravel pit in it yeah so we just hang out there the kids everybody knew where the kids were they're right right you know one guy drive off once a year and get lost in the forest and oh is that true yeah we'd lose him but you know it was always one guy uh never get him again never get him again and nobody really missed him so uh but yeah yeah but it was the sun wouldn't you mustn't from alaska you must know the sun wouldn't go down i kind of

remember that and then it was dark for a long time too right very dark for a long time you said no sense of time just a never-ending day yeah that you had to fill oh you just be confused did we go to school already this is the same day terrible it just isn't gonna start again it's an hour oh long days with short baseball season so so in australia when did you start thinking about like what what was your plan to do with your life uh i wanted to do stand-up from when i was very young but i grew up in this middle of nowhere and nobody was in entertainment sure a couple guys broke out and made it to the nhl right and so but it was just it was foreign there was nobody came there but you didn't have the uh the goods to be an nhl player uh i was good until i was about 15. Yeah. And then I remember I went to a camp where I had to fight a grown man with a beard.

And he just, he shit kicked me for what seemed like a long day. Yeah. Yeah. I had to fight. Like I was going to junior, which was basically college. So it was 16 and I was going a year early so it was basically 16 to 20 i think there's overage kids that can play that are 20 yeah and this guy was 20 and i remember it was for i want to say for the abbotsford flyers was the thing that i was going

for and and i just remember this guy just just kept punching me in the face and i just i just like i don't like this that was the end of your career i'm like it had nothing to do with hockey well i guess you know you've got the drive yeah you got the drive and i just didn't have the drive but that's just part of hockey getting your shit beat out of you uh yeah i wasn't a finesse player i was a big boy getting guys out in front of the net i was a defenseman i was you know i was i was that's that was you're getting into it yeah so yeah but like it just seems like i watched that uh jay baruchel movie uh the goon yeah yeah yeah people that beaten the fuck out of each other yeah yeah yeah watch ice guardians and learn about like the real side of it oh yeah yeah yeah it's a documentary and it's got all the fighters he just loves that shit that's it's

the best you know him jay uh i think i met him once but not close at all he's like he's in show business but he just lives up there he likes being up there watching the hockey being a Canadian good for him good for him

I don't know sometimes I wonder he's in a city though like I I was like okay if I'm getting into show business my parents live

nowhere near the city my family's nowhere near the city I'm continuing I'm going I'm going to America right well how but like

were you were there other expectations like but like were you did were there other expectations like you know were you going to get a job or you just i when i got back from australia i kind of floated for about six months and then i ended up working in a uh with a blasting company an explosives uh company yeah so i started at the bottom i started i was just a um i was a swamper. What is that? It's the lowest of the low. I would just grab sticks of dynamite, big boxes of dynamite, and take them from the magazine,

which is the area that they kept them, and load the truck with these boxes of how many ever sticks of dynamite they needed. Okay, so it wasn't like you're out there like, just go a little closer. No, no. It wasn't like you're out there like, just go a little closer. No, no. No, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, and then from there, they asked me if I wanted to learn how to drive the truck that delivered the dynamite. And I was like, okay. So I started delivering dynamite. And then from there, they're like, do you want to work in a gold mine?

And I was like, yeah. So I ended up working in a gold mine. Blasting shit? Yeah, blowing stuff up. It was open pit mining. So we were building roads and just kind of down the sides. And I loved it. It was awesome.

To blow shit up? Yeah. That's good. You're not hurting anybody. Yeah, I was 20, 21 years old. Light and dynamite? Light and dynamite. And they gave me my own pickup truck.

Yeah? Yeah. And then it was near Hyder, Alaska. Have you ever heard of that? I don't know. It was near Hyder, Alaska. Have you ever heard of that? I don't know.

So there's a little unmanned border where there's this Alaskan town because you can't go anywhere in America. And there was this glacier. Take it down from there. Yeah. So there's glaciers in there. And we were working on the glacier at this gold mine. And then we'd just go down and get drunk in Hyder every night. Well, what do you do on a glacier gold mine? What do you mean you just open?

What are you blowing up? Is it in a hole? No, it's open pit. So we're building bigger holes, but we're not going into the thing. So there's enough gold to be found around. So it's where we were. It's probably where the glacier had already been through. Yeah.

So there was lots of did you find gold uh we weren't we were never because i was on the blasting team so we were never you never got yeah you couldn't identify it no the next crew got in and they found the gold i'm sure they walked away with it you just made rubble just yeah we just made a lot of rubble it was awesome but i i loved it so much i was headed off to school to uh become an explosives engineer that's what i wanted to do so yeah and then i i got to vancouver and um i tried an open mic and i'd only been in school for maybe two weeks and i said well looks like i'm not going back i'm a comedian that's interesting so uh i think there's some sort of similarity there

in the uh feeling you know like the the satisfaction of blowing something up and then the satisfaction of getting laughed yeah there's got to be something similar about that i would say yeah i would say i mean it's not you don't see the same amount of destruction but the rush of like here it's gonna go it's gonna go it's gonna go you knew yeah yeah and then like here's the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, here's the joke. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just, I like that we were going to have an end, you know, with blowing things up. Like, there's going to be something here.

There's nothing here, but we're going to have something here. And stand-ups a lot like that. Yeah. There's nothing here, but I'm going to build it. Yeah. My words are going to build it. Yeah. Right. You go, you show up.

There's the mountain. It's like wreck it. Yeah. Just wreck it. Let's take it down. How did you know you wanted to do's the mountain it's like wreck it yeah just wreck it take it down how did you know you wanted to do it how did i know uh jonathan winters when i was a kid oh yeah yeah jonathan winters i just loved i just i don't know something about it i just couldn't stop imagining what he was imagining and you're kind of a riff guy i mean you're not an improviser you're you're a crowd work guy sometimes um i like to i like to have a conversation and i like to let it go

where it goes and i like to i like but you don't go off in characters really no a little bit but not not not too you know like yeah i'll make up their story they give me a little bit of information and then i'll make up their story that's that's the way i like to do yeah yeah so so you're inspired by winters winters you knew that you could that comedy was something people did i knew it was something that there was somebody out there. But I was also from the middle of nowhere. So show business to me was an Archie comic. Right.

You were walking down the street and a guy in a limo came flying by and said, you should be in a movie. Right, sure. That's how I thought it worked. I'm like, well, nobody's ever going to come up here in a limo. Right. I think a lot of people think that's how it works still. Still to this day. Someone's going to discover me.

So, yeah. And then as I went into my teenage years, it was Sam Kinison and Eddie Murphy. Yeah. Yeah. Screaming on the tundra. Yeah, screaming on the tundra, but just teaching you that there's no limits. Oh, that's for sure. You know, like if you can make it funny, take it anywhere. I think that's true. I think that's true about Sam.'s true about sam yeah eddie too i guess on some level eddie was eddie

was just i don't know i don't know what it was raw yeah that was the one raw was that the special was that the one i was on i remember was on a cassette tape and it was just we'd burn it and we'd all take the leather outfit oh you just i had no idea so yeah yeah yeah no i could see what sam you were sort of like holy shit yeah yeah that's just mind-blowing yeah it was it was something nothing nothing sacred and then of course john same time as jonathan winters bill cosby was another one that yeah painted a picture i you know not a good picture not not a good picture now it's a horrible picture that's terrible yeah you scrape it away a little bit that's the fucked up thing about like

even it's harder to separate him from the monster. Yeah. But I know what you're saying. Yeah. As a young comic, before we knew what he was up to at that time. Yeah, well, we didn't know. Of course not. That there was something to be learned stand-up wise.

Yeah. But so you're in Vancouver, so how do you know to do it there? Did you? But so you're in Vancouver, so how do you know to do it there? Did you? I remember talking to a guy and he said, oh, you've never been to a comedy club? Yeah. I have a friend that goes on at a comedy club.

Oh, yeah? Do you want to go see him? And I was like, yeah, I want to go see him. This is like your first day of school? Yeah. You're a college, first couple weeks of college? I was there before. So I was- You had a friend in Vancouver?

Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, because I had a couple friends down there. And so he's like, yeah. Because he was like, you're going to do that? And he goes, was there anything else you want to do? And I said, or be a stand-up. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And he's like, me being stupid. He's like, oh, yeah. I have a friend that does that. I'm like, you do? Who was the guy? Do you know?

Still doing it? Gary Owensary jerry owns jerry owens yeah yeah he had a guitar so you don't know if he's still doing it i don't know if he's still alive like he was really old then oh yeah so you go down and watch the show i will go down and watch the show and i see uh a couple local comics and this guy from toronto evan carter and he makes me laugh yeah and then i'm walking out and i see this this thing that says open mic contest yeah and i'm like oh i'm gonna come i'm gonna come back and sure oh really and did you freak out though were you like now i gotta write some jokes or you well yeah so it took me a couple months before i even even did it yeah and then when i got there i had written the jokes on my hand.

So many handwriters. But they weren't there when I went for them. Because it's the first time. Oh, yeah, they sweated off. So I just did impressions of fish. I remember doing that. And I didn't, once again, I was still in that phase of,

well, somebody in a limo is going to pick me up. Sure. For your fish impression. Yeah, for my fish impression. It's going to be fantastic. I'm going to do all the cruise ships. But I thought, oh, well, I guess that was it. I'm all done.

That was my big shot. And the manager happened to walk by and say, you should come back next week. And I was like, oh, is that how it works? Okay, I'll come back next week. So it just started. You thought that was it. You didn't win the contest.

Yeah. I guess you're out. That's what I thought. I thought, oh, I guess I'm done. You thought that was it. You didn't win the contest. Yeah. I guess you're out. That's what I thought. I thought, oh, I guess I'm done. And then it's hard to know. Like, I guess if I think about it, you know, when do you learn what the work is? Right. You know what I mean?

When do you learn? Like, oh, I got to build five minutes. I got to be able to consistently make people laugh. I got to keep coming back and learning how to do this. I don't know how that happens. But I guess it really is just about a guy going like, yeah gotta come back next week it is luck yeah and then talk to some other comics and they're like no no dude you got to get stage time as much as you can yeah and then you just kind of you just be kind they'd give you a little bit of hints and you're like oh because

i remember a a guy named craig campbell i don't know if you remember him from vancouver he ended up living in england and a guy named tom stayed and i don't know a lot of the canadian guys i know most of them end up in england i know um brett butt yeah he was he was around then i didn't didn't know him but he i think he was already you know established and going and alan uh wasn't alan watt alan watt yeah he was from canada and then he was from toronto and what's the other guy's name uh uh who's the long-haired guy uh norm mcdonald uh no no he's got a beard and long hair like uh i can't remember his name i met him the last time oh i don't know that guy mike wilmont oh mike wilmont he's awesome yeah there was they were they were toronto guys yeah yeah the guys that i started they just kind of

give you hints and you just kept going you just kept oh okay this is going and then i remember craig was going out to the montreal comedy festival he's like you should come out and i'm like okay because i would there was no shows around i would jump into cars guys were going up to a place called cam loops to do shows it was five hours away and i was on open mic and i was like can i just come up and do and they're like yeah come on so i just go sit in a car for five hours to do three minutes in front of sure i remember doing that yeah so it was awesome yeah, come on. So I just go sit in a car for five hours to do three minutes in front of them. Sure, I remember doing that. Yeah, so it was awesome. Guest spot.

Yeah. Guest spot on a one-nighter. And I remember thinking, I was like, this is so weird. They say we got a special treat for you. And I'm like, how am I a special treat for them? It's just a little weird addition. Yeah.

Here's something we hope doesn't ruin the show is what they should have been saying. Oh my God. Yeah. But you would have to drive like that. That's the weird thing. So there was a whole one-nighter thing too in canada where you drive for ever and just like for like one show at a weird place weird people looks like the whole town is there we'd take a ferry across the vancouver island to do those shows and yeah just

for one night and then back again it'll take forever what were they like uh like bars and like yeah yeah and there was like a booker in vancouver that used to book him out he'd book him out and then the guys the guys would get i guess i can't remember i guess the guys would get a certain amount of money and they had to bring a couple people with them right oh right so they'd pick who they wanted to take with them that was the way it worked yeah the headliner yeah and then there'd be the one headliner that didn't have a car and he'd pick the one guy that wasn't funny but it had a car sure of course yeah the driver yeah yeah yeah you got to do 15 20 to open and drive the guy yeah were you that guy no i never had a car oh so you go to montreal so you tell me the first time you went to montreal is

when i met you or no um 95 96 96 yep really and that changed everything yeah in terms of like how you saw comedy or what you were oh absolutely everything changed that that my whole life changed on that trip like i went from were you on new faces or something i was on nothing i was on nothing you just went with some friends i went with some friends yeah and you met them there you hit i met i was i met them there and then left afterwards because i was dating this girl and she said you gotta come back now we need to talk and i was i was so i was i was probably about 22 but i was maybe 18 mentally like yeah i was just i was innocent i was innocent and she dumped me as

soon as i got back i just like you could have told me on the, I was talking to her on the pay phone and putting coins in. From Montreal? Yeah. She's like, you got to come back now. So I get in the car and hitchhike back to Vancouver and she just dumps me. After the festival?

Yeah. Yeah. So, but it changed everything because. What happened? The guy, Craig, this guy, Craig Campbell, said to the guy, Jimbo, remember Jimbo? Yeah. He said, Ian's real funny. You should put him on. And I was like, he's like Craig Campbell, said to the guy Jimbo, remember Jimbo? He said, Ian's real funny.

You should put him on. And I was like, he's like, okay, well, if we have any spots, we'll put him on. And he said, hang out because guys, it's so much going on. Guys are late and I need somebody. Yeah. So that's what happened. And Lucian Hold happened to see me. Huh.

And just randomly and came over and started talking to me and wanted to know everything about me. And he said, if you're ever in New York, I want to put you on stage. The comic strip. Yeah. The comic strip. And I was like, okay. And thinking nothing of it. And I was like, well, I got a place to go on stage in New York, but when am I going to go to New York? Like when's that going to happen? Yeah. You're going to have to make that plan. Right.

Well, yeah, that's the other thing that opens up sort of like, oh, you got to go to places where the comedy's happening. But Jimbo, he just threw you up? Yep. He trusted Craig so much that he just threw me up. And then after the first one, he's like, I guess I did. Do I think I did now? No. But I guess it was good enough that he just kept throwing me up when he needed somebody.

It was such a tight little room. Oh, yeah. He didn't have you host or anything? No. We just, you know. You're it was good enough that he just kept throwing me up when he needed somebody. It was such a tight little room. Oh yeah, he didn't have you host or anything? No, just, we just, you know. You're just filling gaps?

Yep. But like not in the same night, like, you know. But they were going, yeah, here's Ian again. Hey guys,

hey, remember me? Yeah, I was just here. The other guy didn't show up. I've only got seven minutes, but let's do this again. But there was so busy,

they'd do multiple shows in the night because it was such a small room as well. I just remember the heat of it, like, oh, we're going to go see so-and-so at the, what was it called again? The Comedy Works. The Comedy Works, and you'd go down to the works like,

this is it. It was a great room and everything, but I hated the pressure of it all. It held 70 people. Yeah, but then there was like 30 executives and agents and managers smashed into the back corner and comics trying to get comfortable. I wish I had been up there 30 executives and agents and managers smashed into the back corner and like you know comics

trying to get comfortable just i i wish i had been up there when i wasn't more terrified all the time that well that was my best montreal trip because i wasn't terrified because i was dumb enough that i didn't know what was going on right so that was and i understand totally what you mean after that it was just when you go on, you just be like, this is it. I got to do it. Have you ever seen the tape of Brian Regan starting three times in Montreal?

No. Montreal is a bag of dicks. They're just like, they put out the worst video called Worst of the Fest. They do? Yeah. And it's out there. And Brian Regan put so much pressure.

And he's so good. He's the best yeah and he put so much pressure on it he i gotta start again and walked off three times was he shooting something or uh it was just like one of the galas or something really yeah why did why do you keep walking i think because of what you said there was just too much pressure there's so much pressure and it was weird pressure it was it was well thoseas, the galas are like, that room is huge. Huge. And, you know, and I've done like two or three of them and I've never seen any of them. I don't, I don't know. I don't know where they show up.

Canadian TV. Yeah. And I've done, I did a thing in Winnipeg for TV. I've never seen any television I've done in Canada. That's awesome. And no one has ever tweeted about it either. I've never seen any reaction to it. I don't know i assume that it's been on tv i have no idea but but i've done many of them but that room is sort of big and weird and heavy it's hard to get

it it's hard to get a groove going yeah it's like 33 000 people 4 000 people yeah right some it's something huge and it's it's a it's a it's an albatross it's hard to get off the ground it kind of is man uh but but outside of that just like just even doing regular spots the pressure of all the comics being pretending like they're not competitive everyone's up each other's ass everyone's acting like they're friends with everybody else when everybody wants something out of that festival yeah and then there used to be before youtube and you know you know people used to go up there not to discover with people right so you had that pressure it was just a fucking it was i think i've been blackballed have you yeah i'm pretty sure it could be the way

you talk about it probably probably but that's how it happens i just i i owe them everything though yeah like honestly if i i if i wasn't at the Montreal Comedy Festival, I wouldn't have met Lucien. I wouldn't end up in New York. So, yeah. So how did that work? Because Lucien, rest in peace. Yeah.

What did he like about you? He said, you don't sound like you look. And I'm very curious about this. And I'm like, okay. He goes, you look like you wouldn't have an imagination. Right. And I'm like, okay. And I didn't. I'm like okay it goes you look like you wouldn't have an imagination right and i'm like okay and i didn't i'm like a weird thing to say yeah well that was lucian though yeah lucian would cough food on you and pretend it never happened oh yeah you know like that was that's how he was

but he said to me i think uh the only thing he said uh i've already got a enough angry white guy that was the first time oh god i don't even remember how i ended up working there but it was one of those things where it's sort of like that stuck with me and then even when i could work there i'm like no i'll go up there i need to fucking right i remember just i used to love the weekends and trying to get as many sets that's what i mean stack them up running around the city seven yeah yeah eight yeah you're trying to set a record yeah running around the city. Six, seven. Yeah. Yeah, eight. Yeah, you're trying to set a record. Yeah. I mean, five or six was a lot, because that means you had to do three clubs at least, right?

So then remember- You go Carolines, Comic Strip, Stand Up. Carolines. Boston, and The Cellar. Yeah. Yeah. And The Village Gate, maybe that was gone by the time you got there. Was it?

Is that? No, no. I'm thinking- Rafi's Place. Yeah, but I'm thinking what's next door to The Cellar. Yeah. Yeah. And the Village Gate, maybe that was gone by the time you got there. Was it? Is that? No, no. I'm thinking. Raffi's Place. Yeah. I'm thinking what's next door to the Cellar. Why am I blanking on the music room? You could do that.

Oh, the wall? Yeah, the wall. I did the wall once. That's it? Yeah. I couldn't stand it. Go over there for a music crowd. I'm weird.

I like the way you'd fight back. I'd be like, okay, I'll try again. I'll do it better. What's that? Thank you, Asty. I just want to thank you for that. I just want to be on, I'll try again. I'll do it better. What's that? Thank you, Esty. I just want to thank you for that. I just want to be on. I can't.

So when do you move to New York? So I go back to Vancouver because this girl I'm dating tells me to come back. She dumps me. So meanwhile, Jimbo has said, hey, why don't you come headline my club in October? The Works. Yeah. Montreal. Yeah.

He said, I'll buy you a plane ticket and give you nine hundred dollars and i'm just like yeah i might as well tell my parents to suck it because i've just hit big time right yeah so i'm like okay and i'm like hey montreal's not far from new york so i i planned it out that i'll do that weekend and then i'll get on a train and head down to New York. Right. And I call up Lucian. He's given me his number, but it's the avail number. Oh. So I get the avail number. I'm like, oh, that's interesting.

So I don't leave any messages. But I'm like, I get to Montreal. I do the weekend. I change my $900 into American money, which now is $600. Yeah. I took $600. Yeah. I took a hit. Yeah, I took a hit, and I buy a train ticket.

I get on the train, head off to New York. Never been to New York. Lucian's the only guy I know. I've talked to you guys, everybody, but I don't, I'm just that guy.

I don't have anybody's number, except for Lucian's, and I'm on the train, and we're pulling into Manhattan, and I can see spray painting everywhere, and I'm just like, I should probably have someplace to stay. Yeah. And when the train stops this, there's this piece of paper on the ground and it's for a youth hostel for $12 a night. Yeah. And I ended up living in this youth hostel for four months, four months, four months. So what happens with Lucician i call him up i'm calling

from a payphone because i'm trying to keep my quarter i'm not leaving a message yeah and he finally picks up he goes are you the person that doesn't leave a message i'm like yeah it's me ian bagg from canada he's like oh why aren't you leaving a message i said because i don't know i said i've only got so many quarters he goes yeah, yeah, come down tonight. I'll put you on. Yeah. So I go down and I go on and, and it goes well enough. And I kind of tank at the same time, but I go, I, I, I goes well enough. He says, uh, call me on this. I call me on this day every week and I'll give you a spot every night. And I'm just, and everybody hated me for that.

And he would give me a spot five days a week and huh and i was not good spots like they were all check spots or at the end of the night right but i would just i would just you know he wanted me to get funny and new york style and i was and that included tanking a lot of times just Yeah. I remember going on, after all, you guys would go on and just trying to keep that room alive. Yeah. With, hey, I'm from Canada. And they're just like, whatever. We'll eat you.

Give us your children. Oh, like on that second show where half the room is gone. It's like 12 people. Yeah. Or they all get up and leave right before you go on. And the guy before you, like, a tell, leaves know leaves the stage and then everyone half the room goes it was a tell it was it was you it was ray romano it was chris rock it was chapelle yeah it was all these just monsters and do you remember red johnny and the round guy sure i've never seen anything

destroy like that ever or since then they would just turn that room upside down and then i would have to go on was red johnny the little one no red johnny was the big one because the round guy was the smaller one i think red johnny still works he's a voiceover guy yeah yeah i don't know about the round guy i think he works at a bike shop oh yeah think that's the problem with being a duo right so they crush and then and then and then and then they're like sweeney or whatever his name was what's his name df df swedler yeah df swedler would bring you on yeah yeah yeah he wouldn't do any time because he was scott blakeman would bring you on with no time at all they go hey you go on and you're just like oh they'd be so angry at you because they felt you had taken Red Johnny and the Round Guy away.

Right, right. It was your fault. Yeah, it was your fault. And then they're getting their bills at the same time and you're just like trying to survive. So it just kind of builds a, you know. Yeah, and then you're running down to Boston to do a show for 10 people and that was as big as the audience was all night. Like on those Tuesday nights and shit.

I remember following Jim Brewer there at the Boston. On a big night? It wasn't a big night, but I just remember I was really new still, and I remember a guy saying to me, you're going to die, white boy. And I remember, I was just like, this is comedy. As I was walking to stage he said and i and i i thought he meant actually get killed and i remember holding holding my beer bottle like this so i could smash somebody yeah yeah so i was just like well he was right i did die

i bombed my ass off that's always hard that was one of the you like that club the boston yeah was the only choice I had. But did you like it? No. It was weird. It didn't feel like its own place. I remember when they built the seats. I remember when it was just this space that had a window in the back where they poured

the drinks before they had the little tiered balcony. Before he built that out, it was just all the same floor. And it was just... Chairs didn't look like they belong there it didn't have a its own vibe but eventually it did when he built the the thing in back for the little balcony area i'd never no it was hard and he gave away a lot of tickets gave very very very yeah i mean it was always a shit show in there. It was horrible. But no one seemed to be in charge, and no one gave a fuck. I mean, he used to be there at the beginning. You guys would walk in there like ballers and make it seem like it didn't affect you. I just remember being shaken every time I came off the stage,

and you guys would walk out and laugh and go someplace else. I'd have to go to therapy for two weeks after going on there. Well, yeah, but it was just like, i don't think the club ever was taken seriously so i think a lot of us were like it's great to get a spot in but who gives a fuck but you didn't take it serious whereas guys like me i thought i thought every set in that that in new york in new york was going to be the end if i didn't right no do well right now it was weird i mean it was a long time ago but when cats was there and you know he had his crew and gas crew yep everyone was kind of i don't know man so long ago it's a while to think about it but lucian seemed to have a lot invested in you he was uh he ended up

managing me is that what happened yeah he didn't he didn't manage people but he's like he was always i don't know he had something to do with sandler and all those guys. He was good to me. He was weird, but he was really good to me and helped me find my footing. How was that hostel situation? It was great. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I loved living there.

I remember the people that worked at the comic strip didn't understand me at all because I would just show up with a different entourage of different countries every every couple nights how do you have so many japanese people with you who are your friends why are they all german strange international oh you just tell them all what to do i come down i say hey guys i'm doing stand-up you want to come with me and then like because because when you're in a hostel you're sharing a room with people yeah so yeah so yeah so then what then you were able to get out there and sort of live uh i ended up this is when you're in a hostel, you're sharing a room with people. Yeah, of course. so,

yeah. So then what? Then you were able to get out of there and sort of live there? I ended up, this is honestly, once again, how my whole world changed

was Lucian came to me while I was living in the youth hostel three months, probably one of the last months I was at the youth hostel and he said, they're coming in

to showcase for Conan O'Brien tonight. you're not on it but i'm gonna put you on it right before it happens oh so i was like okay so you're like it started in the middle of the show and he put you on second or third yeah yeah yeah so i would always once they were in there you remember those times when it was really yeah yeah i was but yeah once they were in there so frank smiley paula davis yep So, uh, so I went on and I still didn't get what showcasing was. You just do your best. And so I did it.

And, uh, he said, stick around afterwards. They want to talk to you. And I was like, okay. And I wasn't even showcasing and they can't, they said, we want to put you on the show. And I had to say to him, I had to say, I am actually not legal. So, cause I just got on a train and came to new york does that matter uh to do tv yeah yeah so they actually helped me get my first round of visas really yeah conan did yeah yeah so and then uh them in a small agency yeah they signed they they got me my first i want to say three-year visa oh yeah

so that so you did conan yeah i did conan and they sent me away for they sent me away for two months while the uh while the uh paperwork was done sent you to work back to canada oh you had to go to canada i had to leave the country because because they were it was being done legally and uh i couldn't be in the country so i went back to canada and just kind of floated around vancouver hung out in vancouver uh didn't probably i probably did all the places you know the little doing stand-up yeah just doing stand-up yeah so and then i went down and after the paperwork was done and did conan yeah i remember that yeah i remember i i wore my best my best clothes at the time and it was was a pair of shorts and a green checkered

logging shirt. And I remember Barry Katz thinking, you're the ballsiest guy I've ever seen. And I'm just like, these are actually my best clothes. So how did the Conan change things for you? Made me live in America and started giving me a little bit of work here and there. Yeah. I think I did it three more times. Yeah.

And then ended up coming out to Los Angeles and getting a commercial agent, did some commercials. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And then one day I was like, hey, the weather's really nice out here. Yeah. Is there any way I can do this from out here? And everybody's like, yeah, you could live in Los Angeles. Oh, really?

Yeah. I was like, okay. Plenty of people are doing it. I was like, okay, I'm going to move to Los Angeles and just packed up and left. And that was August 2001. It's been that long? Yeah.

It's been going all right for you? Yeah, I love it. And you did the last comic standing? Did the last comic standing. Didn't ever want to do it. It took me forever. I kept getting asked to do it. And I said, no, no because i didn't understand what were some of the jobs you had though like you know like tv on tv i remember you've done a lot of shit i've done a lot i've

done like a showtime thing i did a uh i do i've done an amazon thing did you host some things uh i've done some i've done a ton of pilot stuff that hasn't worked out right um and uh i hosted some internet stuff and yeah and yeah just yeah just plugging along just plugging along just how's the draw on the road uh not bad up and down up and down here and there yeah yeah i'm sure i'm sure you remember those days i do man you don't remember those days it's just too busy hanging out in your massive house just laughing at people as they walk by. Two years ago. What do you mean?

Not only do I remember it, but it was not that long ago. Yeah. I didn't have a draw. Until two years into the podcast, maybe. Three. So it's all pretty new for me, in a way. Now you're judging me? I just moved.

I remember thinking that you were going to be Conan O'Brien. Oh, yeah. Right? And wanting to be around you because- Oh, he's going to have that slot. No. It's just late night shows interested me so much and i knew they interested you so much yeah that i i want to be around you and when other people started

getting stuff i i was i was confused that i didn't get it yeah and i'm sure you were angry you mean when they were trying to replace him uh Just other guys getting different shows here and there. Yeah, yeah. Because over time, yeah, I mean, I felt like I was, but I don't think I was ever really seriously considered for anything. You know, I think that there were people who thought, like, maybe you'd be good at that, you should do that, but I don't think anybody with any power,

I don't think I was on anybody's list. Right. You know, but I think there was. I think you were. You do? Yeah. I think there was one point. How could you not be? I don't think I was on anybody's list. Right. You know, but I think there was. I think you were. You do? Yeah. I think there was one point. I don't know.

But this says you should have been like. Oh, yeah. This shows. This one. Yeah. The one we do in my house. But it says. Yeah.

It says everything. Sure. It's. Yeah. If only I could have had a long form TV show show talk show where I could sit with someone for about an hour you don't need you need an hour yeah you kidding me I could do it in a few minutes yeah but that's not the same thing did you do did you do Conan when outside once did you host yeah see on the desk yeah I did it oh that's because I was auditioning for something

right like I was what was the angle on that i don't remember you know what i think the last no was like it was a bit the talk show on the street but yeah it was just me talking to people on the street on the desk and then that became a segment on some local tv show where i did it like i did a bunch of them for like a local tv i thought that was what i was going to do just be on local new york tv on the metro thought that was what I was going to do. Just be on local New York TV on the Metro channel. That was what the fucking Metro one, something, man.

No, it wasn't Metro one. It was, I don't remember, man. It's hurting me thinking about it. Sorry, man.

Didn't mean to hurt you. Oh no, no. But yeah, I think things worked out for the best. Absolutely. So what do you, what's your big plan now?

What's my big plan? Uh, just keep touring. I want to do standup, but I also, I'm working, I love stand-up. There's no way

that I could ever stop doing stand-up. I want to do stand-up until the last... Breath? Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to... Die on stage?

Not on stage, maybe afterwards. Sure, right after. But I love it more than anything that's come into my life other than my wife. Yeah.

And, you know, it's awesome. And so, to me, what's confusing about when you say that, well, I love stand-up. Right. And when I was a kid and I would watch stand-up on afternoon talk shows, I would see the stand-ups. And then they would also be on game shows. Yeah. So, I thought you just did game shows and TV and stand-ups. It's a job, yeah.

The fact that I have to market myself for other things has been very confusing to me. Yeah, I like to host, but right now I'm working on an animated thing that I've come up with that's just kind of you know based on a little bit of autism and a little bit of uh just being an everyday person are you autistic uh i would say i've got a touch of the tism but uh yeah yeah i don't like hugging i don't i don't i'm not a big fan of it yeah uh i'm not i'm not i'm definitely on the spectrum someplace but i'm not i don't think well do i need help or anything? No,

no. Right. So you're doing the animated thing? I'm doing the animated thing. I also created a, I did a thing for A&E about my wife's family trying to get me out of standup. And we did that.

And it's. Why'd they want to get you out? They didn't really want to get me out, but they own a fishing places out on the East Coast. And they think I eat nachos for a living, basically, is what is going on. They own fishing places? They own oysters and clam farms. Your wife's family?

Yeah. And they do crabbing and guide fishing. Really? Yeah. On the East Coast in Virginia. No kidding. Yeah. So is it a big business? Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do East Coast in Virginia. No kidding? Yeah. So is it a big business?

Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do very well. Huh. With crabs, oysters, clams, and guided fishing tours. Yeah. More taking guys into fishing tournaments. That's why my one brother-in-law. Do you fish?

Not well. They laugh at me. I puke over the edge. Oh, you're not good on a boat? Yeah. So now you bought this house over there? I bought a house out there. So what's the the plan with that i just want it to be a family vacation house my mother-in-law lives in it right now and i just want to i'm just i'm doing

renovations on it and and uh just turning it's a it's only like seven years old i found it on a short sale didn't pay much money for it at all it's just uh basically a house in on a acre worth of land is it on the water uh it's a mile from the water yeah and it's actually a mile from the beach but right behind it comes up the uh you know the they call them creeks yeah from the ocean yeah yeah so it's kind of on the water that's nice so how much time you plan on spending out there uh not much not much just gonna have it not much yeah i'm just gonna have it have it and be able to go there when I want to go there. That's the thing. We live in Long Beach out here.

We live in Belmont Shore. What's your wife do? She's in occupational therapy. Uh-huh. Yeah. So we want to be able to go out. She wants to be able to go home, so I'm fine. And I'm fine with going to see my parents.

Where are they? They're in Vancouver, though. No, they're still in Terrace. Oh, they are? Yeah, they're still up in the parents so where are they they're in vancouver though no they're still in terrace they're oh they are yeah they're still up in the middle of nowhere so and they're okay yeah i'll go home and i'll do a fundraiser every once in a while up there for the town yeah for the town somebody will be sick or somebody or something something's needed in the town and local boy yeah i'll bring guys up maybe i'll just make sure that i'll try to bring you up one time oh yeah if you want to go. Yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

Give me a call. I'll call you for fish. You call me to go up to a terrace. And also there's fish up there. I don't know if you like salmon. Yeah, I love salmon. Yeah. It's salmon time now.

Do you go fishing for salmon up there? Yeah. Steelhead, sockeye, springs up there. I know it's coming into the fish place. I go buy it. Copper River steelheads. I don't know if steelhead's wild yet. But the king salmon, the troll catch. Just make sure you always buy, don't ever buy farmed.

Right, wild. Always wild, never farmed. That's right, yeah. Yeah. That should be a slogan for something, is it? Always wild, never farmed. Always wild, never farmed. All right, buddies.

Good seeing you. Nice seeing you. Thanks for coming. Goodbye. All right. That was Ian. I never knew the guy, but I've known him for decades, it feels like. National Bag Radio.

His podcast is available from All Things Comedy. All right. I feel my guitar playing has gotten remedial. It's always been remedial, but it's been a little kind of clunky. All right. I'll play my new Japanese Telecaster. Why do I qualify like that? Is that insensitive to call it a Japanese Telecaster?

No. It was made in Japan. It's known as a Japanese Telecaster. No. It was made in Japan. It's known as a Japanese Telecaster. These are newer fenders made in Japan. It's a Japanese Telecaster. Thank you. so Boomer Lives! Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence.

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