WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - The Marc and Tom Show #5

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

Media juggernauts Marc Maron and Tom Scharpling join forces once again, this time to save not only themselves but the world as well. Along the way, they talk about Howard Stern, movie theater food, falling for advertising, sweating, and Jonah Ray’s influence on Marc’s identity. Also, we get the story of Marc’s ill-fated music career and the reason Sausage Party led to a great awakening in Tom’s life. Theme music by The Tokeleys. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Death is in our air.

This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply.

This is exciting. You're about to hear the fifth installment of the Mark and Tom show. And it's me and my friend Tom Sharpling just talking. Couple of fellas, couple of middle-aged fellas talking. Some of you know Tom Sharpling. He is the host of The Best Show. And oddly, if you don't know anything about Tom's background or our friendship, it's a late-in-the-game friendship.

We met and became friends not that long ago. We were, you know, older fellas. But there was always a mutual respect there tom i i don't know how to explain it other than uh i love the way he thinks he makes me laugh he's a great broadcaster uh some of the comic bits that he did on his show are like all timers like great i mean if you ever get an opportunity to get that uh the best of the best show thing it's actually on the uh numero group label 16 cds but it's a it's all the sharpling and john wister bits in there it's hilarious it's uh it's truly hilarious but uh but tom and i are pals and we just just got into the habit of every once in a while sitting down and talking as a couple of guys who do broadcasting work who like each other's company.

I don't know what else to tell you. You can still listen to Tom's show. It's on every week. It's The Best Show live Tuesday nights at 9 Eastern at thebestshow.net. You can also get that on the podcast form. Get it wherever you get podcasts. And also check out his podcast, Meet My Friends, The Friends, which you probably should know as little about as possible before you start listening. Just know if you love recap podcasts or if you hate recap podcasts this is the show for you so this is uh our fit we did

this a little while ago um when he was out here when tom was out here and uh we'll be back to our regular format on monday with our 1000th episode but now this is me and the very funny and very smart tom sharply i want you to know something about tom is that as a broadcaster he's just great at it he's great at pausing taking beats he's very funny he's great at follow through with stories like if you want to be a good broadcaster a good podcaster a, a good on-the-mic person, you should study Tom Sharpling. That's what I say. Me, I just wing it.

But this is the Mark and Tom Show, number five. And enjoy the company of me and Mr. Sharp. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goal tenders, no.

But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong.

A fire, cyber attack, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit Zensurance today to get a free quote. Zensurance. mind your business. Like I have the air on now too because my because my idea was, like, this kind of air conditioner doesn't make noise. But listen.

I can hear that. You can hear it, right? Is it fine? I think so. Really? You think it's just texture? Like, if I don't make a big deal out of it, you think people who are listening aren't going to make a big deal? It's not like eating on the mic.

Eating on the mic's a whole other thing which i i'd never have done it once no well i can't do you you know what happens when you do don't you the amount of reaction it's yes it's like it's hostile it's like at crazy like what the fuck yeah are you doing i understand it i guess people want to throw up when they... You got to realize with headphones now, it sounds like somebody's eating in your... Yeah, they're actually consuming your head. Yeah. And it's like if you're on like the bus or whatever,

you're listening to this on the subway, and it's just like it's already hot, and now somebody's... Yeah. You just hear that like saliva and crunching i can't i can't handle it but so that's it you're one of those people that if you hear it you'll just fucking worse i will never do it because i can't handle it whenever when when you've done it or anybody's done it like howard stern used to just eat can't burp and just like hate it this makes me nauseous

he doesn't do that anymore i don't know i haven't listened in a long time i haven't i was never a stern guy i um we ever talk about stern i don't know i don't think so i like i didn't grow up over there and like people always ask you know like about like there's no i wouldn't people don't compare me to him but we do a similar thing but like you're a stern person and you're not i literally have maybe you listen to one show yeah i i used to listen all the time when you were a kid when i was a kid in high school yeah and then there was just a day where i think he had that move his movie was coming out and he was talking non-stop about the movie yeah and then he like worked everybody up into a frenzy where it's like this movie's coming out and it's like

we got this thing showing yeah like we got theaters are going to show this private parts right and he's like and he i got worked up into such a frenzy i'm like like saying like my wife was on my wife i'm like okay there's like a one o'clock one one in the afternoon show it's just like we probably got to get to the theater at like 11 30 to like because this thing's gonna be and we get to this theater's like nine people there and it's like on the day it comes out and then i just i think that made me feel kind of like a a sucker yeah and then the and then i then i i think the thing that i really he lost me when he just kind of became like the guy when he became successful and kind of crossed that line to where he's not the underdog anymore he's now yeah running things there's just a part of me that lost interest in

it yeah i it's uh that's concerning like i feel like like when somebody was that when he went to sirius or before before that oh yeah i think when he when he was when he really got accepted by everybody i think that wow this this is the most telling thing already that i'm hearing say like don't ever become liked by everybody because you'll hate yourself like i'm not here my entire dynamic has just revealed itself to me like fail just enough to keep people uh feeling sorry for you yes exactly if they don't feel like you're a loser yeah yeah why will they listen oh boy yeah i think i need to go lay down this is this is rough it's just three minutes in just happened yeah i think i figured the whole thing out right now well i'm glad i can help out yeah that was the quickest mark and tom show we've had

i think so time to take a nap. I remember, I think one thing, because people are like, hey, you hit it off with Mark and you guys get along. I was thinking about it. I think there's one thing I said. Yeah. I said, Mark came on my show, Best Show, once, and I said to him, I could fix you in five minutes.

And I was just saying it as a dumb thing to say and i think i was like maybe that maybe i planted like a little seed in the back of his head he's like this guy is gonna fix me at some point seemed pretty confident about it got a tone about him it just like went right in and locked in and i i think it's gonna happen at some point because it's it's like that thing where you're like look i know when you when you feel like you're getting conned or tricked yeah and you're like all right 99 of me knows that this that there's no businessman with all this money but it's like but just what if this is the one like that's how they get you

right there he's the guy yeah my dad lived for that the one? Like, that's how they get you. Right. Yeah. He's the guy. Yeah. My dad lived for that. Like, he's that guy. He's their mark. That just he. Well, you know what it is? Online health practitioners. Like, my dad will send me, like, things where it's like, this guy knows what he's talking about. You know, you got to eat the vitamin D all the time and, you know, stay away from this, stay away from that.

And you're probably never going to have colon cancer, whatever the fuck it is. And I'm like, he's a doctor. So I'm thinking like, all right, he knows what he's talking about. I'm going to start doing this. But then I go look up these guys that he believes in. And I'm like, what qualifies this guy for anything? Where's the science on this? He like partnered up with some guy who had a vitamin a vitamin like this was

years ago i mean i've talked about i don't think i've talked about it to you before but it was called memory revitalizer uh-huh and it was just big fucking vitamin and this guy and my dad was pushing it he made me take it he said this is the one and then i met the fuck that that created he's just some dude is like an office with one guy in it and boxes of the shit. And I'm like, what's the credibility of this stuff? And the guy was some weirdo, right-wing libertarian dude. And my dad's like, you know, this guy knows what he's talking about. That guy is making vitamins where?

He's fixing it. He has the answer to anything. Yeah. He doesn't have the answer for himself. Yeah. No, but he's got suckers it's it's it's astounding to me like it's like with the trump presidency there's part of me that realizes like this is exactly the president this country deserves on some level because this is the

complete this is what america was built on you, in the bad way is this guy. Just a sucker born every minute. P.T. Barnum. Unfortunately, he's a racist fuck. But but and he's shameless about that. But in terms of like, how does it make sense? Of course it makes sense. Yeah. It's the most transparent administration we've ever had because he doesn't give a fuck.

You know, it's just like chaos all the time. And it's just like we know exactly what's happening and no one can do anything about it. Phil Morrison, who you know, he said he was in a cab in New York and the cabbie was just talking about Trump. And he's just like, ah, this guy's just a Queens real estate guy. Yeah. Like, and that just sums up everything. It's just like you think about like a a real estate mogul in queens yeah and you're just kind of like oh that's everything this guy does is just slap together a building yeah you never don't even worry about the consequence to anything

just like just whatever it takes to get this next deal going a grifter like he's just a hustle or hustle i you know look you know i don't want to underplay it at all because that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. I don't know. Like, it becomes almost impossible to reconcile how to get through a day, right, and enjoy your life or do what you need to do but know that this garbage fire is ongoing. Yeah. know that this garbage fire is is ongoing yeah like it's making me like there's a part of your being that's constantly being trolled by the very nature of what's happening culturally and politically and you somehow have to put a lid on that to just function day in and day out yeah do you feel that oh yeah no i i i work i work hard at it one of of the things I decided when the 2016 election was going the way it did with the

best show, I was like, we're not going to make this a political show. It's because you can get that literally everywhere else now. Yeah. And it's like, people know what side of things I'm on. It's like, nobody's going to be like, oh, he didn't talk about the thing. Like, maybe he loves Trump. It's like, no, of course I don't. It's funny that we do that.

I do that, too, where it's sort of like, shouldn't we be doing this? And Brendan's like, no, everyone's doing it. You know, you do what you do. And if something resonates with you, but you don't want to get into the ring with that shit. There's people that do it better, and that's not what this show is. People need a place to go. Everybody's fighting the fight. Inside them. You need a place to go where it's like it's like a an ice pack on your head and that's i kind of looked

at my i look at my show is now being this thing where it's just like you know it's a good place you know i'm not i'm not like oh i can't believe i supported that asshole and he's like it's like no you know i'm on your side with stuff but you're allowed a break from it also there's a part of me questioning everything all the time it's like you ever like to have a thing where like you go to the movies it's like it doesn't matter what i eat at the movies oh yeah like it doesn't count it doesn't count on a plane or like at the movies you're on a plane you're out of town even just out of town yes you're just like out of town just

like yeah yeah so i'll get these donut time yeah exactly these are out of town donuts yeah but they're really good or you like what i do is you find you know what's good in this place i was talking to bur Kreischer. He was hilarious because he was talking about like how he was on the road and he was like, you know, he was done with his diet. He'd run his marathon. And wherever he'd go, he'd talk to the promoter or whoever it was who was in charge of the green room.

And he's like, what's that city known for? And he said it was Detroit. And it was some of these dogs, some kind of dogs. And he's like, all right, they're like coney dogs I think they're called with cheese and whatever they're hot dogs and Bert's like get me $50 worth and put that in the green room

and that's it what do they got there what is this special thing $100 worth of that just have it back there on your tray yeah because when I saw Mission Impossible I was eating this like special thing yeah hundred dollars worth of that just have it back there on your tray oh yeah because when i saw mission impossible i was eating this like uh peanut m&ms and i'm just like oh yeah these are the best and then part way through i'm just like i'm watching him like he like runs there's like one part of the movie where he runs as fast as a human can run yeah for like five

minutes the tom cruise run yeah and i'm sitting there i'm just like eating this stuff and suddenly i like felt myself i just like i hate myself i'm so just and i literally threw the candy on the floor really like yeah i'm just like you're done with it like you disgust me like this guy's this guy's like an optimal human watching this like this like machine that's like maximized like and i'm just like shaking the bag of eminem just like i guess i could do three at a time like chase it with some popcorn yeah exactly salty and sweet yeah it's perfect but then i'm just like oh it's so gross so in the middle of it just threw him on the floor that's what people heard in the middle of it. He just threw him on the floor. That's what people heard. In the middle of Tom Cruise's run. Yeah.

He had this rolling. Yeah. Rolling. Because they'll roll. Because they get fully rounded. While they were still in the bag. They just heard a bag hit the floor. A little bag of rocks.

Yeah. I was like, yeah, so that's how I felt. And you didn't pick him back up? I picked him back up. There was a point where I said, I had this theory, and I knew it was faulty. Yeah. But I was just like, look, if you just drop your shit on the floor of the movie theater, you keep the staff employed.

Yeah, sure. Then, like, if people are slobs at the movie theater, they have to hire more people. And then somebody... It's good for the people that need jobs. Yes, my friend Hannah was just like, I work at a movie theater. They just make us do more, you idiot. It's not that they have to hire a second person.

I have to clean more garbage. It's just kind of like, whatever's in the theater, I have one person cleans it. Do you remember back in the old days when the floors were sticky? Yeah. Like, you know, just from soda.

Yeah. So gross. When you're a kid. Yeah. Those fucking theaters. Just nasty. Those beat up seats. The popcorn thing, though.

Like, I can't like. My girlfriend, like, just like insists that it's like she eats it all before the movie starts on purpose. Because she doesn't want to be distracted by eating popcorn. Yeah. I don't like that shoveling. I'm looking at my watch. We're here 15 minutes before it starts, the credits. And we're sitting here with popcorn.

It's stupid. It's going to be gone. It's not even like eating it at the movies. It's like this compulsive behavior that you engage in before a movie starts you're checking it checking the box off the thing just like yeah and then you get the large one you can refill it and that's problematic yeah because now it's just like i'm gonna quick go phil yeah i'll just get half yeah just half yeah do you ever were you a person that put sweet shit in the popcorn? I started doing that a little bit. As a grown-up?

Yeah, then I felt. I was literally doing peanut M&Ms and popcorn. But some people dump like what? Raisinets? What is it? I see people dump the stuff, and I wasn't dumb. I'll just literally, this is my sweet hand. This is my salty hand.

And then they meet in the middle, and i just eat like it like a horse i just kind of feed myself yeah like a sugar cube what was the what is the one they use though is it raisinets i think people yeah i think that's like a that's the classic that feels like a duds is it milk duds maybe it's milk we're milk duds harder when we were younger like i don't know maybe the fresher now i don't know is that it when was the last time you had a milk dead see the thing is i don't know when last time i had one now that you mention them i can tell you the next time i'm gonna have a milk that is like an hour from now because you put it in my head do you like them oh yeah i like any of that i'm so suggestible with that stuff i just remember when i was a kid

the milk dud you'd eat them and it was like it was like you you had to get through that caramel it wasn't you know like now they're just soft and there's nothing to them yeah but like when we were a kid it was like they were to soften them up yeah yeah i mean i think that was a real thing yeah and they see this is how they just this is how they fuck us tom is that you know you used to take some time to get through a box, but now when the caramel's soft like a fucking Rolo almost. Yeah, exactly. You're going to go right through a box in a minute.

I think it's time for you to go back to the counter at the movie theater and be like, excuse me, these Milk Duds are a little too soft. And then they'll be like, hey, aren't you the guy in the Joker movie? Hey, the guy from the Joker movie was complaining that the Milk Duds were too soft. How suggestible do you think you are to advertising and stuff like that? I'd like to think that I wasn't, but it seems that whenever I've sort of landed on some fashion choices, that they're everywhere within a month. And I don't know what the fuck that's about. Because like, I think I'm not trying to be at the cutting edge of anything, but I felt that, you know, there were a couple of things that I was doing that that all of a sudden seemed culturally happening shortly thereafter that I me i'm not taking responsibility for them because

maybe i was just mind fucked by suggestive something but like where am i taking it in i don't know when i got all into red wing boots like a few years back i didn't see a lot of them around i thought i saw one guy with these boots like i always wanted to find a boot with a toe strap to it that had a certain look and it was a red wing uh iron uh ranger or whatever the hell it was called and so i bought him and then all of a sudden everyone's got him i talked about it a lot so part of me was sort of like i kind of did that but i don't think i did do you feel like like if you take a big step back from it and you saw the the the kind of the timeline of those like where i mean are you if there's five steps of those boots

are you were you at step two well yeah i i that's a good question i don't know how it happened you know i don't know what you know what i just was wearing boots and then and then people like my friend dean delray he's got into you know high like he's got a guy making boots and then i went to white's boots and it was just a boot thing but i just remember specifically i think i think i was part of the the the the push from two to three okay so you were hovering in that two to three yeah there was one guy that every that a few of us saw sure yeah and we're like those boots yeah and then i i got him then i talked about him and then like then i was i was part of the push from two to

three, and then after that, it got way out of hand. Do you think that guy you and 15 other people saw- The one guy? Yeah, the one guy. Do you think he goes back to the boot place and he's just like- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Give me my money.

I saw Mark Maron saw the boots. It's like, all right, there's $600. That might be- I don't know if it's quite- I there's six hundred dollars that might be that might be i don't know if it's quite i did my job yeah i did my job the true conspiracy yeah don't hold out on me i'm your boot assassin i took down marin he looked at the boots i walked back and forth in front of him a few times yeah and i want my money yeah or if the guy just has to be like i running things like yeah marin just bought some of the boots. That was one of the names on the thing.

Here's the other 50% of the money you get. Yeah, and here are the rest of the names. Yeah, I get these. Go get Josh Brolin. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See if you can get one of the hip hop guys. So you feel like you end up but somebody

influenced you it's everybody's just influenced by something at some point like everybody like i know that my plaid shirt thing i can track specifically to jonah ray and i don't think i told him that okay but i think that like you know it became sort of an alti kind of the plaid shirt thing was a thing but i was pretty much a flannel guy. Solid. Like my, my go-to was like an LL Bean chamois shirt. Okay.

That had some wear to it. Yeah. That was sort of where I was at and Levi pants. So like, that's the other thing, the denim thing. Like I didn't like, I,

my, my issue is that like, I'll get in these things and when i see other people are doing them then i realize like i i gotta get out right like i'm i gotta get out like the denim thing like i i got these emma jean and willies the salvage denim but i didn't really know anything about it i just thought these were nice pants and then all of a sudden everyone's going crazy then i'm sitting in a bathtub breaking in levi's that are spent in and then i'm not washing them and they stink and i'm putting them in the freezer

like i met a guy i saw a guy the other night josh adam myers he's a kind of a he's a comic but he does a rock and roll thing and his pants look just like shiny and weird and greasy uh-huh and i'm like what's up with those pants he's like yeah i'm doing the thing i haven't washed him in seven years just doing the freezer thing so that's just frozen and reheated fucking dead skin and sweat and whatever's coming off of your fucking junk down there. Right. And he's like, yeah, I'm committed. I'm like, I am glad I got out of that. I'm glad that's not my life.

It's like wearing that one pair of pants that haven't washed in a decade that are just shiny from fucking body garbage. Yeah. And then now you're kind of like, you're known as like the pants guy. No, I know. And then it's like, where are your pants? What's up with your pants? What happened to the pants?

They're in the freezer. I got to kill all the fucking bacteria every six weeks. Yeah. Be like, hey, do you want to go eat? Like, well, my pants are in the freezer now. I kind of can't. It's going to be four hours for a pants warm up. But I think what you're saying, like, that's what usually happens to me is that I think

I've come upon something. I don't really believe that I take in a lot of advertising, but something sneaks in, you know, trends. There's some sort of momentum, meme momentum. I don't know what it is. But like, you know, I do know that there's a specific world of my likes. You know, and I'm not wearing hats. You know?

Yeah. I didn't, you know, I'm not wearing a fedora or a bowler. I tried. You know, that folk singer, Langhorne Swim, nice guy, sent me a hat that he helped design. Got me a great comedy bit, but couldn't wear it. Just wasn't, yeah. No, but how do you do that without kind of like, look at me. I'm wearing an outfit.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I've got to own this shit. Like right now, I'm wearing Levi's. Yeah. Okay. Like that I broke in in myself i put the time in yeah i pulled them back out i have a lot of different pants i have high-end pants that i got tired of because they're not here the other the other heartbreaker is like so these are the ones these are the best ones these are the ones that will last a lifetime they don't seems the stitching goes out seams goes out. Seams go out. They look stupid.

You know, like Dean keeps everything clean. Like, what are you getting pants for if you're going to keep them clean? What are you going to get boots for to keep them clean? Uh-huh. Right? So that bothers me.

But, you know, like he looks good, but whatever. But my point is, so I'm wearing Levi's. I'm wearing a pair of White's boots that I rotate. I rotate shoes, try to keep them going.

Tom Petty shirt from the last concert. Yeah. And a belt that I bought in Seattle at the Leather Place in Pike's Market. Okay. And I'm wearing a belt buckle that I've had since seventh grade. This is like original. Okay. So that's, yeah.

See, look, I have a different approach to this. I would be happy wearing like literally like a janitor's yeah zip up i just wear one piece jumpsuit yeah i just like wearing blue yeah a blue shirt and blue pants so you don't see all the time so you're not susceptible you're committed i just look at it as like i guess i have to wear something so i'm going to wear a uniform all right you're always wearing that that's true yeah it's like einstein So you have just a bunch of blue polo shirts. Just like wearing blue polo shirts, blue pants, blue. That's it?

That's good. What if you need to wear a jacket at a thing? There's got to be a blue jacket out there somewhere. You don't have a blue jacket? No, I have. Look, I have jackets and I have all that stuff. But in terms of me just. Day to day.

Functionally being out in the world, I just really. I just, I don't have much of a capacity for it and i'm bad at it and my my wife will help she fills in the blanks for it would be a true disaster if she was not helping me like sure yeah but it's just like she now has i think kind of waves the white flag on just like oh getting you to spice up he is wearing blue why don't you have a buy a nice button-up shirt short sleeve she said like that what colors oh look i got one teed up yeah it's the fall line wait till i wear that but see for me this is this is how how like twisted it's gotten for me like where you're like yeah i don't know if i'm comfortable wearing that hat around

town yeah i'm just like oh boy i don't know if i wear comfortable wearing that hat around town yeah i'm just like oh boy i don't know if i wear this button-down shirt what's gonna happen yeah like people are gonna be like hey button down what's up button down like i'm gonna get made fun of what happened to tom yeah it's like when you would go to school with like a haircut and then people would and people be like hey haircut what's it and i would just be like this hurts my feelings so like don't focus on am i do you do you feel did you feel that when you were a kid yeah like yeah you got a haircut it's so uncomfortable i was so fucking uncomfortable yeah you know and it like it was uh it was just never ending like there's always be problems because if you're that guy

that's so self-conscious, something's going to happen. You're going to pee yourself. You're not made for this world of judgment. When you're that guy, just kind of like, oh my God, these pants. I remember when I got my pants ripped at camp. It's just devastating.

I couldn't go on the rest of the day what are we going to do and they had a like the counselor had a pin a burlap piece over this hole so my underwear wouldn't show because like the world ended like it dropped out of my pants and just like please oh god no one noticed yeah no just don't look at just don't look at me oh god it's just the worst and i always always got food poisoning at camp. It was a nightmare, dude. I think I was scared of groups also. My parents were trying to figure out, we've got to get this kid to just go see movies and watch TV all day.

You have to go do something with other kids. What did they make you do? I went to this, they're like, you should go to this uh track camp and i was like 13 and i was like you guys know who i am it's just like track camp yeah it's like this so so is that it was at a uh at rutgers college which is yeah kind of near so they're like you're going to track camp and then like i see like the track camp sign up table over there they drop me off and i go and then i see like the track camp sign up table over there they drop me off and i go and then i see like the student center was like like so i just walked into the student center and played video games all day long and then just walked out when it's like a track

track camp ends at three and i just like walked back out and then the next day dropped back off walked right into the student center in the arcade played video games all day then like the then like that night it was like two days and then my mother's just like are you not going to like i got a phone call it's like did they sign you up yeah oh no i was signed up and they're just like they don't have a record of you going to track camp what are you like we're dropping you like are you not going to the camp and i'm just like yeah i'm just playing video games yeah i didn't want to go to track camp and i didn't want to do that and they're just like oh and then they just like fine don't go to track camp over the games in asteroids. Oh, yes

That's all the all the yeah, Gallagher Defender defender all those games. Yeah. Yeah, just every one of those games. I would just be in there all What was the missile one? Missile command. Oh, yeah, that was colorful. Yeah the rollerball tempest tempest yeah yes the 3d games yeah yeah very simple yeah no but i was we used to play space invaders at the bowling alley yeah before the video arcades holiday bowl there'd be like a asteroids machine in the yeah in the snack bar. Yep. There it's been. Yeah.

Asteroids. I remember when that happened. I fundamentally wanted to be around people, but I always felt uncomfortable. But I would fight it out. But I had this problem. I had this horrendous perspiration problem. I still do. is but you sweat this much when you were in junior high like I was the guy with pit stains and

junior high not couldn't do anything about it like him my dad was a doctor there was talk of maybe getting my sweat glands surgically removed there were prescription antiperspirants that we tried there was like zinc involved was involved sure and it was just like the bane of my existence these pit stains yeah i just get it on my forehead and it's just like there'll be times i'm not i swear to i'm not nervous i don't know why like i'm like this has nothing to do with like for some reason it's just my body it's not my it's not like i'm up here like i'm sweating when you i was at a live uh wtf at the bell house and um the air was the air conditioner the air conditioner was broken

and i was just like yes this is everyone's gonna go you're all sweaty and nobody's gonna know a thing is wrong with me i'm up here we're all just like boy it sure is hot up here huh guys i'm we're all sweating up here right and meanwhile if it was 40 degrees in there i'd probably still be sweating i would be like what's wrong with that guy yeah yeah i just remember like uh like i i kind of played in a band with this kid we we knew like three songs right and it was you know and i wasn't i wasn't nerdy and i wasn't like on the pulse of anything until probably my junior high school this was younger than that so we played uh you know taking care of business um we kind of made our way through part of sweet emotion we kind of like fumbled through tush yeah yeah i mean i think we did young blood uh-huh bad

company's version of it yeah yeah all the big ones yeah yeah i was i was in a band a little bit because i played bass a little bit and i'm just like i don't i don't have any aptitude for this at all but i just remember we played in like a driveway like one of the the guy there was always like the drummers like the you go to the drummer's house because nobody has a car you just go where the drum set yeah that's that's exactly what we did yeah of course we were in a driveway playing and it was like bad company. It was feel like making love. Burn it. Yeah. I just remember as a kid, even then, I was probably 15. Yeah.

I remember thinking like looking at like these like four like losers and one of us is like singing about making love. It's like, what are you like? None of us even know what that like feel like making love to you. It's like, what are you like none of us even know what that like feel like making love to you it's like what are you singing about what was amazing is at that age you could find a front man yeah and you know and he didn't have any other talent and he probably wasn't that great a singer but they'd lean into it they like there's a certain type of person this guy damon he didn't really sing that well but he he was confident yeah and he was like he was on the mic unbelievable yeah like you think about like david lee roth and like like

he's terror like he's the like it's like it kind of almost sounds like he's screaming over like an instrumental track like they almost just like hey there's this band these three guys who jam out on these songs and he's just like i'm just gonna scream there's this band these three guys who jam out on these songs and he's just like i'm just gonna scream whatever i want over the top has nothing to do with what they're playing he's a vaudevillian that guy yeah but it's all attitude yeah exactly the front man thing is sort of fascinating to me and then nobody questions like then you start to get that thing like well he's a great front man but it's just like he can't sing yeah like yeah like it's like the first requirement yeah you'd think of being a thing yeah but he's he's he's entertaining yeah that then that's it's entertaining but that's

like that gene that i never could imagine being like hey i'm not good at this but watch me they don't watch me just they don't they don't have that that part of the equation yeah the hey i'm not good at that that never that never comes like just that idea of like yeah like hey you want to sing like these are the guys who'll be like i'm a lead singer and you're just like this guy must be great like, I'm a lead singer. And you're just like, well, this guy must be great. He said he was a lead singer. And then you're just like, oh, my God. And you just when you finally add it up later, it's like, wait, he can't sing. Right.

It's like, no, but that was awesome. Are you kidding? Oh, God. And then it's just and then it's just the thing is has left the station. Yeah. And then it's just no, no, he's a lead singer. He's like, like you hear, he's the lead singer. You hear those stories about Andrew Dice Clay, who's almost like the closest

stand-up equivalent to the lead singer thing, where people would be like, hey, that was my joke. And he'd be just like, yeah, I'm doing it now. I gotta be famous. There was a story of him, somebody was like, hey, that's my, there's like a story of him like somebody was like hey that's my like

if there's like an auto and george or something oh really hey that's my like hey man that's my thing he's just like yeah well look i gotta get famous so it's your problem yeah i i believe that i remember hearing some version i believe that i don't i don't know like i didn't talk to him about that but the equation seems right that auto and george the guy with the puppet had a thing he was very funny he's dead now yeah r.i.p but uh yeah but that would be the guy i think i remember vaguely hearing about that yeah the confidence thing i think that killed my music career because like frankly like you know i'm playing better now than i ever have and i never took it that seriously and i make jokes about that i'm grateful that i didn't take it seriously but there was a time where you know i wanted to play guitar you know and i just remember like like i

learned the chuck berry thing you know i never my taste in music was always oldies and blues and whatever and then like it expanded over time it's still expanding now but i just remember this one time where like i knew like one lick you know a couple of chords and uh this band called the philistines was uh you know the philistines they were like the new mexico's and kind of punk but they weren't punk they were new wave they were art band you are sure and they were yeah yeah on the scene the philistines you know i knew a guy that steve larue he's dead too now he used to play with but were the art band. They were looking for a guitar player. So I'm like, I'm going to audition for the Philistines.

And these two fucking dudes come over. And they're snotty and kind of arty. And at my parents' house. We're in the living room. And I've got my Telecaster that I got for my birthday or whatever. My first real guitar. I bought it because Keith had one. And I got these two art snobby kind of music guys sitting there.

And they're like, well, what do you know? And I'm like, just doing my Chuck Berry thing. And they're like, well, do you know anything else? I'm like, I don't know. Like, what do you guys play? What do you need? Is there other things that I need to know? And I don't even remember how the audition went.

I don't know if they asked me to play a song, but I just kind of played my Chuck Berry licks, and they just were condescending, and they walked away, and it felt awful. And then there was a string of awful things with music that just shattered my heart and disabled the sweat thing. Like that day, I didn't tell you about that day. I've talked about it once or twice before but

we're at dean's house his mother would charge us for fucking sodas she wasn't even getting like real coke it was like the happy time i think it was happy time soda that they had in cases out in the garage and we drink them and then she started like you know charging us a quarter for every fucking happy time. Unbelievable. Right. But anyway, so girls came over. And a couple girls came over, friends of Bob, who was a friend of Damon's. And they came over to Dean's house.

There was two of them. One of them was named Veronica. And the other one, fuck, I don't remember her name. And I'm playing guitar. And the fucking pit stains coming like bad. Like I'm wearing a button up. Probably tucked in the Britannia pants. And I might've had familari shoes on with the wavy bottom.

And you could just feel it coming? It was just happening. And then I'm like, I'm pretty sure that the girls are looking at the embarrassing you know 14 year old or 15 year old yeah with massive pit stains yeah and then i'm just like i say to dean i'm like is there a shirt in your room can i grab a shirt in your room because i can't do this and i went into his room and there was just i just found the shirt that

was like right there and it was like one of those you know one of those jerseys that they're like a nylon but they have the little holes in them not netted but they have like a vent to them sure yeah yeah they're usually reversible uh-huh it was uh uh it was a putt putt shirt putt putt golf and because dean was into putt putt and i come out in that you know trying to make it smooth like i'm just gonna go i'm gonna grab a shirt yeah like just and i come back out he's like why that shirt that's my putt-putt championship shirt and now and now everyone knows i'm wearing a shirt that doesn't fit right it's a miniature golf shirt and you're like why did you change your shirt and it's just like it just went downhill from there yeah and then there was the uh the music camp debacle that that was the end of it that was the end of my music career did i tell you that story maybe i don't know i went to music camp for two years uh up in uh potsville outside of

potsville pennsylvania okay lighthouse arts and music camp they let you smoke 16 years old it's great sure just be i don't even know why they did but we were i could smoke there so i'm doing the guitar thing taking lessons i'm learning uh the lick on like you know brown-eyed girl and third rate romance i don't even know who did that song i don't know third rate romance low rent rendezvous it's got a great guitar run on it but i couldn't figure i couldn't focus but there was a performance you know you kind of were encouraged to play with other people so i you know i'm like i'm gonna put together a band for the big thing at the end yeah and i just collect these fucking guys like i like i like i picked the guys they're all problems uh-huh we're just gonna do johnny be good

how how hard could that be any fucking idiot idiot could play Johnny B. Goode. Yeah. The other band, of course, were like just the nerd crew. Like there was this kind of very small dude who was just a wizard on the drums. The drummer was, I think his name was Ben. Uh-huh. It's always Ben. And like, you know, they were doing pops.

And then this guy, Ar, and some other guys, this guy with red hair. They're just a full-on music nerd crew. They were the other band. And I don't know what they were working on. So the night comes. We're in the band shell. And my guys were going to play Johnny B. Goode.

And they're fucked up. Robert's like stoned as shit. These are 15-year-old guys. One of them's drunk. And I and you know i you know and i come out i do the lead riff and it's a fucking mess it's not you know and that's a that's a song that can absorb some mess yeah and it's not going well then i start i can't hit the i come in on the wrong pitch and i'm struggling to stay in it and and it's a fucking disaster. It's a fucking disaster and it's embarrassing

and there was no way that it was good. Yeah. And I'm singing, I'm in the front. Yeah. And I'm wearing a tuxedo shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is now why it took you 30 years to get back into singing. To feel okay. Right. Holding a guitar. But the other band, the nerds, I think they got up there. I think they played Elvis Costello's Mystery Dance.

Sure. And then like an entire side of a Genesis record. Yeah. And they're just like. Nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. Like a mic drop on that one.

Oh, fuck. Before there were mic drops. Yeah. Just erased us. Yeah. And then I moped. And the one sort of like sad girl who was my friend like you were really good yeah no i wasn't yeah that thing where they're already

saying like no you were good it's like why are you why are you making it sound like i said we were terrible first like you're you're filling it in already that is it took me forever looks like you were having fun up there that's like always the thing when a band when a band's bad and it's just like like you know the people and you're just like how were we oh looks like you guys are having so much fun up there really in it yeah like oh that was what was that diplomat yeah what was that cover you played yeah just anything to like to get off there yeah how were we thing those new pedals yeah yeah guitar pedals like today i posted a picture of me playing lead in the studio on instagram yeah i don't do that and like uh you know i i know that i move funny when i'm playing

so i'm looking at the comments and i thought it was a pretty good lead it takes a lot to you know like i was just in a studio laying down a lead track for this thing i did and it was good but like there was but like there were enough people who were sort of like nice p dance you know like there's a few of those in it but you know what i was like it was honest i'm okay i'm okay i feel pretty proud of it there's always going to be a thing just like it's it's almost like people, when they think of how they see you, it's you holding a microphone talking. And people would feel just as weird if they saw, you know, if Keith Richards was holding a mic on stage, just walk around talking.

You wouldn't expect it. You'd be like, what? What's happening? That's weird looking. Yeah. Like that is a conflict in my head. Right. No i get that and i'm not no i'm not upset about i'm proud of it and like i'm just owning like this is the things i do and this is how i do them i'm okay at some things i'm good at other things but there's you know but i'm getting better

at these things and fuck it you know it's like why do i but see the guitar thing was not something i ever shared i didn't feel necessary. And now I am. So now I've opened myself up to that. Well, there's a sincerity to it also. There's like a pureness. If you're going to play, you come from comedy where everything is a takedown or a funny comment on what other people do or say. Right. a funny comment on what other people do or say.

Right, right. And then now you're doing this thing that is completely without, you can't do sarcastic guitar playing. Yeah, I'm pretty earnest about it. Yeah, and you should be. So I'm going to take some hits. I'm going to take a few hits. But that's the beauty of music

is that it is, those people are lowering all their guards and especially when you have like a cool person, then suddenly when they do a thing and they're super sensitive then that's that's like the most effective thing sure ever when it's just like oh look they yeah they're showing their humanity and then the shield goes back up as soon as they're done with the song but that's the thing with music is you're you're exposing yourself and there's no it is there's no getting around that this is a a sincere right version of yourself that's true like you know like that's what always was so horrifying about it and like there's no way for me to like you know sing

confidently if i'm gonna sing it's gonna be like pretty earnest yeah and that's i mean but after decades in with these comedy mutants that you're now suddenly supposed to just be like, hey, I'm just going to play and it's going to just be heartfelt and there's nothing other than that here. Like, I'm not, there's no jokes tonight. Yeah, people are, like, I got a lot more support than, and I'm not really hung up on it, but it's just like, I was never the confidence thing. Like, people who have their karaoke songs. Yeah. Who the fuck are those people? I do.

I have some karaoke songs. You do? Oh, yeah. You sing karaoke? Oh, yeah. I like karaoke. You do? Sure.

Does everyone know this? A lot of people know it. I like karaoke a lot. Huh. But I don't like doing it in a club. It just scares me. I'm not judging people who have their songs. It's just like- I like it in a room where it's i don't like doing it in a club like it was it just scares me you know i'm not judging people who have their songs it's just like i like it in a room where it's me and a few of my friends

and you shut the door and you're just doing it for you it's not in a not in a bar club where strangers and stuff no i'm not doing that oh just like a clubhouse yeah karaoke you go to the thing and you rent a room oh okay yeah i. Yeah. I'll go rent a thing. I'll go. There was a time when. You'd rent a room for karaoke? When it's a few friends, you go rent it. There's karaoke rooms.

Really? Yeah. There's places to rent a room. I see. It was like, oh, there's six of you. Okay. Go to room eight. No kidding.

Yeah. Like a studio situation. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. So you guys would just sit down and watch each other sing? Yes. And everybody has fun in the room, yeah. It's a nice time.

Six people? Six people, maybe eight. It's low pressure. It's low pressure then because then there's people, everybody's all over the map in terms of their singing ability. Yeah. And it's kind of a nice way. It's non-judgmental.

Right, it's nice. I've always been impressed with people who can do it you know but like you know surprising like I have memories of it it was always terrifying to me and I don't even know

if I would do it today but like you go to certain parties you know back in the day you know and there's a karaoke situation going on like I don't even know what songs I would sing you know but

but like Scott Aukerman like did radiohead like don't don't uh don't leave me yeah high and dry high and dry yeah and i was like holy fuck doing a full falsetto and i'm like that was impressive now i know that about that guy yeah and then ardwick would come out and do like zeppelin or whatever the fuck it was i saw him do it two or three times yeah yeah i thought you were gonna say he would then come out and do radiohead no like no i saw another comedian do radiohead no but he had a full-on fully formed karaoke personality yeah yeah which is not surprising yeah then he would do a yeah talk a show talking about the karaoke yeah and then he would go in the back and yell at his girlfriend

the back and yell at his girlfriend oh but um so the music though outside of the karaoke and the driveway oh i just i just don't have it in i just don't have it in me to be sincere with it i just feel like i've i've made fun of too many things too much and suddenly for me to do i just don't feel i would it would just not feel natural to me be like here's a song i wrote about a thing and it's like yeah i would just feel like who who am i doing a song thing did you ever do you ever think like what what was because you know you and worcester are friends and he's like a you know just a monster drummer yeah can. He can do anything. But do you ever feel like what form would best express your musicality? Yeah.

I think at this point, I've always thought I would be a better music manager. I would just be like, look, guys, I know what's cool. I know what I would want to see in a band. Find some dummies and just completely mold them into, like that I would be much better. I'd be like, no, that song sucks. You're not doing that one. Change this to that, but never perform the thing.

Yeah, right. Just kind of, I would have been much better at that. That would have been satisfying. That would have been a better fit for me. What do you listen to to make yourself feel better in these times of the garbage fire? What do I listen to? I listen to... I hate when people ask me that question, though.

No, I'm okay. I've been listening to a lot of the OCs. Oh, yeah. This album they did. Yeah, the OCS album is like this quiet album that I just like. It is like a perfect like cool down album for me to just listen to and it's just like it's like oh this is my head feels okay this is easy yeah yeah that's nice because sometimes it's just like with loud stuff it's like everything's loud yeah

like there's some version of volume to everything now yeah it feels like we're all like you were saying we're under attack yeah all the time yeah and it's just like it's okay to be like nice to yourself and it's like yeah yeah yeah i started like the one thing i did i started working at this like volunteering at this food bank oh yeah trying to be like yeah it's the best thing i ever did like it started it started in the weirdest way it's like remember that movie sausage party that was like the oh yeah seth rogan and the weird supermarket yeah having sex with each other and like did they get away with some joke on that fucking that was like because i saw the trailer for that i'm like

you couldn't pay me to like this this movie like presses some button into me that upsets me like anthropomorphic food yeah so i i tweeted that i was just like how much would i have to get paid to see this movie and i was like and then i was like yeah i think i need 800 to see this movie and then listeners like we'll pay i think we'll what if we start a GoFundMe $800 to see the thing? And I'm like, I'm telling you right now, I'm keeping the money. Like, if you do it, because then people are like, yeah, it'd be great. Give the money to charity. I'm like, no, I'm telling you.

If you give to this thing, I'm keeping it. It's going into my pocket. And then. And I'm going to buy Milk Duds. Yeah. Peanut M&Ms. The money came in peanut m&ms the money came in the money came in they actually raised the money yeah and then i was like i can't keep this money what am i monster like so then i gave the money this food bank in new jersey the community food bank in

new jersey and then i like i was like hey i just and i like i figured i'll like match it or whatever on my own so it's like it was like a nice check and then so i contact them i'm like hey i just and i like i figured i'll like match it or whatever on my own so it's like it was like a nice check and then so i contact them i'm like hey i just want to give this money and uh they're like oh well what's the story with this uh thing it's like well you know that movie uh so now i'm explaining to some woman trying to just yeah just like you know the sausage party right and she's like no i don't i don't know what It's like, well, it's a thing with a hot dog having sex with a nut. Like, I'm trying to, like, look, just take the check. And then I started volunteering there. And it's like the most, it's like the most, it's such a great grounding thing.

Anytime I start to get, like, really anxious with the world, I just go there. And then it's just like, it's like, no, no, you're just put, you're filling boxes with food that go to people that can't. And you go over there. Get out of their house. Yeah. You just sign up for a shift and you pack boxes for a few hours. Yeah.

And it's just like, it's like, oh, so we do have some control over the world. Like. In the immediate sense. Yeah. In terms of the people actually in your backyard. Right. And you can actually, you spend a few hours doing a thing and then like you and a group of people who you have maybe have nothing in common with you all packed boxes and now it's like you know

500 families have food now and it's just like and what it led me to is this thing where it's just like like these shitty people are not the country. They're not the country. Like they are just, they have their hands on the steering wheel right now, but they are not right. They are not America. They are just driving the bus right now.

Right. And that's a temporary thing. Yes, exactly. Into a wall. Yeah. Yeah. But it's still just like,

you have to remember the larger sense of things and it's like there's a there's worlds that are not their world yeah people like you know underneath it all underneath all the noise and the garbage fire you know there's you know people still sort of like you know having lives helping other people you know doing the right thing you know communities you know and also mobilizing for political action to vote and that there's stuff happening and there's there's people you know showing up for other people and it's yeah that's what america really is yeah it really and it's just like those are the people like the idea that you live in a place and there's people like not on the other side of the world that are hungry it's like people

like a mile away from you don't have food it's like that's insane so it really strips it down and it makes it kind of kind of like reaffirms the humanity for me of things that's great yeah but service yeah but then i still go there and i end up getting like they're like some retired guy who's just kind of like boss like just like don't tell me how to he's like hey you need to cut the box like we're breaking the boxes up that had the thing put him in that it's like put him in that one not that way he's like bossing me around like what the fuck are you you're gonna tell me what to do it's like you don't work here like you're a volunteer like me like paul like i read his yeah yeah name day it's like the sticker. Yeah, just pack. Worry about yourself, Paul, with the thing.

Like, no, if you want to get those boxes, you get the, go get a knife from that table. And so it's like, calm down. Like, it's still, it's amazing that like in the purest thing, I still find like an enemy to just rally against. Hey, you know, there's something, you know there's something you know like those guys who like are retired and decide they still need to do stuff go either way could go either way either they're like sort of like uh magnanimous kind of like back in the day guys yeah or there

are guys who are sort of like no when i had a store this is how we did it yeah and that's how paul was at the food bank you don't know what you're going to get with that. Just kind of telling me how to do my, it's like, look, I'm not a kid here at the food bank. Did you say that to him? No, I. You just sucked it out. I just was like, I'm going to do the boxes twice. I'm going to show you how it's done, Grandpa.

Watch how fast I break these boxes down. He's probably got like some, you know some part like say like a daughter or you know grandkid who's sort of like grandpa you should go help people i'm not gonna yeah well you're just sitting around yelling at the tv go help people yeah go yell at real people yeah you haven't bossed anyone around in a while stop bossing us around go boss some people around it's so funny at that food bank though it's like nobody there's every stripe of person is there volunteering except for like other like cool people like for lack of a better yeah like people who i would relate to is like my scene or i've never seen one person there that's

interesting yeah well i think i like when i think about myself and that, like I've started to, you know, as I made more money, you know, I give to charity, I give more to charity. Uh, you know, I do feel like on some level, you know, when people get good things out of my show, uh, the podcast and they tell me about it, that I'm doing service. I donate a lot of books that I get sent to libraries. Um, but I don't get into it. You know, I could just go down to central office and answer AA calls, you know, for a couple hours. I have a direct channel through AA. I could make coffee. I could set up chairs.

I could go down to central office and get calls from people in trouble and tell them where they can go. But I don't make the time for it and i think uh there is something about showing up and being selfless that is um that is good for uh you know not only the community but yourself yeah i mean it really does help if you feel like for me if i feel like the the energy is just kind of overflowing and i kind of don't know where to put it. Just going there and kind of exhausting myself doing that stuff. Yeah. It just, you just leave. You just let, you left something there and it actually kind of burns off the.

Yeah. The, the bad stuff. Sure. Yeah. It's not, it's good. You feel like you're, you're actively being a helpful and human. Yeah. How's New Jersey? It's great great i love it yeah yeah i kind

of wrap my head around i just like that's where i like being yeah i miss it and i i haven't lived there since i was six yeah is it do you go to farmer's markets food uh vegetables and there's all sorts of that stuff popped up everywhere yeah there's stuff everywhere yeah got the tomatoes you get all of it yes every kind of vegetable you may want yeah you get nice peaches big zucchinis yeah you get get bell peppers they've got all of it mark they've got every vegetable it's the stage. It's like a grocery store outside. I'm starving. You ready to eat?

Sure. Did we get it done? I think so. This is nice. I think we helped people. We talked. You fixed me, finally. If ultimately we did a real service for people.

Look, the word hero gets thrown around a lot. I don't think there's another situation where it could apply more than what we did on these weeks today, Tom. So let's go celebrate. You're welcome for our service. You are welcome. And it's great talking to you, and I'll make some salmon. Great. F.B.I. C.I.A. F.B.I.

C.I.A. F.B.I. When you build up a little nation See ya. We'll see you next time. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth

at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m. in Rock City at torontorock.com.