Yannis Pappas Hour - Ambush Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Yanni is in LA with Jared and they take a trip over to Whitney Cummings studio to talk about her new hair color, an amusement park idea and more.See Yanni live in Cleveland May 5-7 at Hilarities tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comJoin for weekly Bonus episode: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysSubscribe to our clips page for podcast highlights https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwThe show goes out every Saturday. Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis PappasInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

down this poppers what's up everybody welcome to another episode of long days yeah Screwed in, got a lot to say. Oh, shit. It's about to be a long day. It's a long day. It's a long day. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days. Yeah. Jared Harvin is here. He's at that stage.

It's just great. You show up and, you know, either there's a chair for you or there's not. Yeah, and there's not a chair for me. I'm sitting on a ottoman right now. Yeah, but there is an ottoman for him. So that is good. So we were able to get him a mic and be on here we're at the uh los angeles long day studios i've bought i bought whitney cummings

house and um and uh i won it in a settlement actually because i stayed here and i metooed her yes he did the dogs weren't included though the dogs were not included. She took those with them. I think she lives with the dogs on the street now. Yes. In Venice. Yes. But I stayed here. My whole plan was to come here and have her harass me, which she did. I Me Too'd her.

I'm very inspired by the Johnny Depp, Amber Heard saga. Oh, yeah. And so I was able to get millions of dollars from her. And now this is my house and my studio. Yeah. And she works for me. She's brought us drinks. I brought you all some options. Thank you. This is part of the settlement of our Me Too.

Here's a coffee. Thank you. A June Shine. June Shine so I can do some tea. This is drinks for four people. Five a five here's all your um viagra i took one of each of these and i just want to see what happens who taps on it that is the sweetest it's a habit i know that is so cute that you just tapped i always that's funny i didn't even i it's not even conscious anymore that's a hard kombucha yeah it's

like tiny alcoholic there's a ton more in the. Do you want to see it? Should we check his ID first? I mean, he's a young kid. Yeah. I do look 15. Yeah. Look, I.

Nobody here. We're all adults. I'm going to pee real fast. You go pee. You do what you got to do. And I guess I'm not going to brush my hair. No, it's okay. We're, we're just like, I mean, he just said we were rolling.

So we just started. Yes. That's, I mean, he just said we were rolling, so we just started. Yes. That's my new employee, Whitney Cummings, formerly known as Whitney Cummings the Comedian. Now she's Whitney Cummings, my kept servant. Yes. So my house is great. Once in a while, I let her stay here just so she could remember what it was like before I meet Tudor. I meet Tudor good.

Yeah. Now she's your alfred and you're bruce wayne yeah uh i just what happened was uh last time i was here i don't know if you guys watched my last episode of um last time uh she was demonstrating to ludo who i'm the father of her dog um how to pee and she actually peed on the ground so i just went to the court system and said that wasn't consensual i didn't sign up to watch her i didn't sign up for some uh human to watch a human pee no you didn't sign up for that i won millions of dollars yeah just like um amber heard did yeah um so she basically took off her your boots basically she took off your boots, basically. She took off my boots. Without your consent. Yeah.

That was one of the things that Johnny Depp described as being why Amber Heard is a monster. Yeah. Because when he would come home, she would take off his boots and hand him a glass of wine. That doesn't sound like a monster to me. That sounds like a good, submissive Asian woman. Yeah, that sounds like a concubine. Yeah. That sounds like a good, submissive Asian woman. Yeah, that sounds like a concubine. Yeah. That sounds like a woman who gets it.

Yeah. I mean, maybe he was on drugs and didn't appreciate the fact that she probably fucked his brains out. Yep. She took his boots off. She handed him wine and occasionally threw a bottle of vodka at her. Yeah. But that comes with the territory. It comes with the territory. Yeah.

You know, you can't pray for rain and not deal with the mud. You're not going to get your boots taken off and not get a bottle of vodka thrown at you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you get your boots taken off in New York City, it's because you got knocked out on the 12 train. You know? That's why that's...

Yeah. You get your Timberlands stolen off your feet and your Christmas money, which happened to me once when I was a kid. Yeah. So it could be a lot worse in situations in which that happens. When I got yoked up and the eight kids came from behind me and I had my Christmas money that I saved up for that I worked for in my bus pass flap. Yeah. And he asked me what size I was for Timbaland.

I should have said girl six. Yes. But I told him the truth that I was a 10. And he said, I happen to be a male 10 too. And I walked home in slushy socks. Yeah. In those situations where you just got to go gay. All right.

Your voice got to go up eight octaves and you gotta go, I just don't prefer boots. These are my brothers. Yeah. If you would've said that, it would've been cleared out real quick.

Yeah, or I could've said, hey, man, look, I'm a 10, but I have gout and I have athlete's foot. Yes. And there's shit on my, I wear shit in my boots.

Yeah, you only have four toes. Yeah. You know, yeah, you got gangrene on one foot. I got gangrene on one foot. And you're diabetic on the other foot. I lost 60 bucks in my Timbos that day. Now, let me ask you a question. You had the money rolled up, right?

No, the money was in my bus pass. I don't remember if it was, that would be funny if I remember if it was rolled up or folded. I don't. So did the bills go from high to low or low to high? Like like did you have the dollar bill wrapped on the outside and then you had the bigger bills on the inside because that's a smart move yeah i don't remember i i do that you do that yeah i do that just in case i drop it like yo you dropped the dollar people not gonna be inclined to take it that's a cop's kid thinking ahead yeah bro thinking a step ahead of what the criminal would be thinking exactly and how to trick the criminal. You got to think like a criminal.

You got to think like a criminal. But I don't know which criminal won't take the money because it's low bills. Yeah. Well, you know, high class criminal. They're not going to go, damn it, it's only fives and ones. Yeah. And I don't know which criminal is not going to open them up and see what's in there. It's a criminal with taste.

It's a criminal with taste. A criminal with taste will be like, I'm not here for those ones. Yes. I'm here for the f for those ones. Yeah, son. I'm here for the fives and the ones. Not at all. Obviously, you know that I didn't buy this house and I didn't buy this studio. And I did not meet two Whitney Cummings.

It's impossible to meet two of her. By the way, I would rather you rate me than give me a three-minute heads up on recording a podcast. This is so much worse than any sexual assault you could ever than give me a three minute heads up on recording a podcast. This is so much worse than any sexual assault you could ever do to me. Be like, hey, can we record a podcast in two hours? There's something

about what I get. You're making me go on camera without makeup on. That's so much worse. You don't have makeup on right now? Let me tell you something right now. This is probably the hottest you've looked. You're aging like fine wine. You look great. You're a 10. All these people that you'd say, say things on the internet. Do you understand that these people are fucking losers who jack off in the back and their basements and that's all they do with their lives?

Yeah. You're what they call a four Rome piece. You're a gorgeous woman. Yes. Look, Giannis, I knew this would happen. Don't fall in love with me. We can't do this. I know we can't.

I'm married and you're. By the way, your wife is stunning. She's the best. How did you... I got her young. I'm going to say something. Please take that out. Make a clip of that.

Just cut this out. And play it over and over. Cut this out. You cut it out. You're the one hanging out with Stamos later. I just wanted to make the joke. You scouted your wife like Jonathan Powery. I did.

I got her. Yeah. And you're a basketball fan, so you get that reference. My wife was a one and done freshman at Kentucky. Yeah. And I drafted her straight out of college. Can you talk not in sports metaphors? Okay.

Is there a way to explain it? She was a Disney star. She was under Lou Pearlman's tutelage. And I groomed her. I think it was better with the sports analogy. It sounded more legal. Let me ask you a question. Ask away.

I just said that. Legendary comedian Whitney Cummings, our guest. Very funny. One of my favorite people. Really? Absolutely. No, I like you. I love you.

I'm very fond of you. I really love you. And I appreciate that you accept me where I am. I don't feel embarrassed around you. You don't. Even though I constantly embarrass myself around you. No, you don't. I feel like we have a very

cool brother-sister relationship. Absolutely. And I liked you immediately. Really? Yeah. You're a comedian. There's like, you have feelings. I like you. I think that we focus so much as comedians on the comedians we don't get along with or the people that we don't. I get so frustrated that not

everybody gets along sometimes, but in every job, like, in what job do you even get to have one situation where you get along this? Well, it is very, it's very lucky that we're as friends comedian wise with as many comedians as we are for real. Absolutely.

And I just wanted to say thank you ahead of time. My podcast is contracted that you have to look at my black co-host at least every couple of minutes. Every three minutes you have to give six glances. Yeah, so you're doing a good job. And you can't blink. I appreciate the acknowledgement. I cannot blink.

Yeah. 20 second in rules. Look, I'm a white woman. I do whatever the fuck I want. All right, listen. We're the new white men. You do that, but you're going to have

Richard Dolezal in your DM. I'm just telling you right now. Rachel Dolezal, I need to get her tanning lady. She does have a good tan. Yeah, she's got like a good- Who's her spray tanning lady? You must know. Yeah, she does have a good tan. Rachel Dolezal, I need to get her tanning lady. She does have a good tanning lady. Who's her spray tanning lady? You must know.

Isn't it amazing that she is famous for that? She is a household name. I respect her because she did not give in. She did not give in. She doubled down. She doubled down. She's famous for pretending to be black.

She's a female Michael Rapaport. Yeah. She's a female Michael Rapaport. She's a female Iggy Azalea. She didn't. She's still insisting she's black. But hold on. Let me ask you a question.

What happens when you see that? What happens when I see that? Yeah. Like, what was your reaction when you saw the Rachel Dolezal rigmarole? Oh yeah, I stared at the ass first. I stared at the ass. She pulled it off pretty decent. If I may.

Go ahead. You're telling me that no one noticed that she just had shoe polish on her face for 20 years? Whose fault is it really? No, they probably did but they saw the ass This is the thing with you black dudes a fat ass like that is like the Yankee pinch

So she had a huge ass no one even looked at her face You know when you go to carnival you win those glasses with like the stripes in them you get hypnotized Yeah, that's what her ass is. Yeah, it's like they say that I didn't know Rachel Dolezal had an ass on her. Oh, she's. Yeah. What? A little bit. Yeah. She couldn't have been like a skinny white girl and pull it off.

She can't look like you and pull it off. Yeah. No, she wouldn't be able to pull it off. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much. Wait. So she had an ass and was like, okay, do you think it went down like this?

And I'm not saying went down because you're black. I just, that's. Of course. I mean, you said I'm black. Get down. You said get down. So if. He's also have Puerto Ricans.

Is she like, I'm a heavier gal. I have a dump truck ass. Yeah. This is not, I'm a white guy, six. I'm a black guy, eight. Yeah. I think she saw the asset first. Get me that copper tone self-tanner.

Yeah, absolutely. You think that's what she did? I think that's where it started. I think she was noticing she was thick. Yes. And thicker girls get a little more attention from brothers. They get a little bit more attention, you know. And also, white women who are bigger, they think that they can take advantage of black men easy.

Because if they're not accepted by white men, next in the line is a black man. I've experienced that growing up on Long Island a lot. She did. She did do it. She used that ass. It's black guy kryptonite. When you got a fat ass like that, it's really confusing. Where have you seen her ass? She's a thick girl. She's in

Phoenix, I believe, and she's on a rock and she's displaying it. She's on cameo is where she is. Her job is full-time cameo, which I feel bad for her, and she's on like a rock and she's displaying it. She's on cameo is where she is. Her job is full-time cameo, which I feel bad for her now. She's on cameo? Yeah, she can't get a job. She's completely ostracized. Everyone thinks she's a joke. I think

like you were suggesting, I think there needs to be a statute of limitation. If you trick someone for a long enough period, she went to an all-black college she was she rose up in the naacp as a black woman i think at that point you just go hats off you go you can be black i mean her and sean king should just get cards and just go you're black you tricked us all not sean king I'll give him an honorary Dominican card,

but not a black card. Right. He does have like, yeah. Yeah. He looks like he can play for the Indians. But so what happens? What happens when you see, you're like, this person is trying so hard.

Like what happens? I know it's like, it's offensive. It's appropriation. But is it like sad to you? Funny to you? I know it's not sad because like, I know like the power that, you know, the, but is it like sad to you, funny to you? Hurtful? I know it's not sad because I know the power that the culture has.

It's something that the culture is something that- Your word, word, for real. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to 106th and Park. Yeah, I know you are. Everyone, I mean, it's this wild thing where it's like- Everybody wants to be black. We're in this country that is so incredibly racist

and everyone wants to be black. Everyone wants, yeah. I don't want to be black, you know what I mean? I remember one time I was working for- I'm good, I'm good. I don't want to be black, you know what I mean? I remember one time I was working for, I was on a- I'm good, I'm good. Well, I am, you know what I mean? Your sneakers tell a different story. Yeah, no, I wanted to be black when I was, when I-

Your sneakers tell the story of the Foxcatcher guy. Yeah. Are you doing the off-Broadway community theater production of the coach in Foxcatcher? Yeah, these are not my like coolest kegs right here. No, but they're comfortable and Foxcatcher. These are not my coolest kicks right here. No, but they're comfortable and they look nice. But when I was young and they did that, like, what do you want to be when you grow up thing?

And people said their jobs. I said, black. I said, I want to be a black man. I grew up in that generation where we all were trying to be black. Yeah. Did that hit Virginia? Well, no, we'll see.

And you hooped. That's close. I hooped. Yeah, yeah. Does he just say stuff like this around you? Yeah. That's okay. What do you mean? I said, he you hooped. That's close. I hooped. Yeah. Yeah. Does he just say stuff like this around you? Yeah. That's okay? What do you mean?

I just hooped. That's close. Hoop's okay. I hooped. Yeah. That's like saying you played violin. That's close to Asian. Yeah.

If you hooped, it's close to black. Yeah. That's okay. What are the words that if a lesbian experiences close to Greek? Besides the obvious, what are the words where you're like, I just don't say that word? The N word. Yeah. That was the obvious, what are the words where you're like, I just don't say that word? The N word. No, that was the obvious one. Yes, yes.

What is one that's like, like when someone's like, my album's about to drop, or someone's like, my pod's about to drop, I'm like... Right. When do I say that?

When are you like, when do you cringe? What makes... What black slang do I say that makes you cringe? Makes you cringe. All right, tone it down. It's not the black slang,

it's the black body language. Okay. When you talk to me, sir, your shoulders raised up here for no reason? Yeah, that, yeah. do I say that makes you cringe? It's not the black slang, it's the black body language. When you talk to me, sir, your shoulders raised up here for no reason? Can I tell you? My whole body got scoliosis. Surprise to nobody. I've dated a couple closeted

black men in my day. And I would see, whenever he would come over... Can I just take this throw pillow out? Yes. Well, actually. This is the only podcast I've done with throw pillows. Yeah.

Your place, whoever, did you do this interior design yourself? Well, this podcast studio is a nightmare. It's gorgeous. No, this looks, what are you talking about? Thank you. This is all just like fan art. Yeah, I feel like I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. Yeah, it's like, um.

It does. It's like PP's Playhouse. Yeah, it's like Ripley's Believe It or Not. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. It does look a little like that, yeah. Yeah, it's just like a, like just a miscellany

of random nonsense. That's meaningful to you though. It's meaningful to me. Everything has like a story or a fan sent it or someone made it. By the way, this is a random... I'm really into Joan Rivers' side businesses right now. I get obsessed with things.

Joan Rivers was on... Speaking of Rachel Dolezal, Joan Rivers was making leg makeup. Leg makeup? Did you know this? On QVC. I don't know where my glasses are. Joan Rivers was solving problems you didn't even know you had. This is how important comedians are.

Do you realize that comedians, comedians have not just been the truth tellers, the people that are going to stand up to authority figures, the calling out the bullshitters, whatever. Like comedians have been

solving problems like that. Comedians don't just make the ha-has and the he-he's. They also go like, who's going to do something about that? Wait, so you're saying they've been solving problems like

leg tan? As a woman. Changing the world. Look at my, you know me. You know that I get attacked by dogs every couple hours. Yes. I've got, you've got scars on your legs.

You've got ugly legs. You don't want to wear pantyhose. Look at that. Instead of wearing pantyhose, she said, no, no, no. Just use this cream. Change the world. Joan Rivers. Yeah. Her and Steve Jobs. Yeah. Yeah. You can have no legs and it looks like you have legs. She was selling that on QVC. But do you think like she didn't invent it? Like she probably teamed up, put her name on it. Of course. But she was the one that

was like, look, you're sick of wearing pantyhose, having those. And she was able to sell it with charisma. She was able to convince you that you needed this thing. And it's like, I want to remind myself that comedians, as much as we're like, we're just these silly gooses and we're drunks and we're messes and we're crazy. We're like business people. We are also business people. Influencing and lying are two aspects of business.

Yes, it's marketing, selling, yeah. So you're a comedian. You must have some entrepreneurial ideas because you got a little capital what would you create would it be like a um a bridal for dogs so they can't bite each other as you all know i'm sure janice did save my life uh i was in a dog fight i was in a i was i was in what i think can easily be described as a jam yeah it was a pickle i was in a dog fight. I was in a, I was, I was in a, what I think can easily be described as a jam.

Yeah, it was a pickle. I was in a pickle. You were in a pickle, yeah. Between two female pitbulls that were trying to kill each other and I was like,

I got it. I've been in Hollywood 15 years. I'll take this one. Yeah, actually, it's probably harder. I've had to hang out with female comedians

at the comedy store. I got this. Yeah. It was probably harder than that, yeah. And, uh, Giannis saved my life. So, Giannis that. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, that saved my life. So Janice is uniquely qualified to know, um, about the dangers I put myself in. I really

did want to be an inventor. You probably like, what would it be? I wanted to be an inventor. Like I, I just like, since I was a kid, I was always trying to like solve really big problems like with inventions. And I, I want to say like four years ago, maybe five years ago, I got really obsessed with EMFs that are, you know, like the radiation

that's coming from the phones to the satellites back to... And I went to Under Armour and I had done all this research and I sat down with like the head guy

from Under Armour and I was like, hey, don't you think we should start like doing clothes that are EMF proof? So when you're on planes, we're on planes all the time, you know, like putting computers on your balls. hey don't you think we should start like doing clothes that are emf proof so when you're on planes we're on planes all the time you know like putting computers on your balls we don't have the data yet but i do believe in like we know something's up here there's gotta be

something and by the way even if there's not people will buy something just to know that they're protected from something even if we find out later it wasn't a threat i want to know that they're protected from something, even if we find out later it wasn't a threat. I want to know that I at least try. I'd rather buy the thing that I don't need. And even if you just market the threat and just say it's there and say, scientists say. That's all you got to say is scientists say. That's called snake oil. Yeah, scientists say there's a threat.

You got to protect yourself from the FBI or whatever that acronym was. Yeah, placebo effect is an effect in both ways. If we say it's a problem, it's probably a problem. Us stressing out about it is giving us cancer you are getting cancer either way either way stressing out about the fake problem or the actual problem either way we're in trouble it's the stress that gets you yeah so i was in the situation where i was like i was like okay emfs like all we're being bombarded with emfs just constantly all the time and once you once you get into that

what are emfs emfs um you gotta explain that to him because he thinks it's a new rap group. It does sound like a rap group. No, it's the radiation from cell phone towers. Okay, gotcha. It goes to satellites. I mean, we send attacks. It goes to space and comes back and hits us in our body. I didn't know it worked that way.

Yeah, it does. What did you think? How did you think it worked? I thought there was like a string attached to all the phones. I didn't know that's fucking wild you know what's wild about you i truly believe the smartest people sometimes come off the dumbest isn't that true um because smart people the reason they get smart is because they ask a lot of questions and smart people will ask a question like that. Yeah. I think smart people are always really dumb in other areas.

Yes, yes, yes. Like I love that you, one of my favorite moments is someone that I see as being so incredibly smart and just like a wealth of knowledge being like, what, like, what does that mean? Yeah, yeah. I think it's smart people spend,

there's always smart in like one area and then they're really dumb in others. The cool, but the coolest thing you can do as a person is say you don't know something. Yes. In this day of like, know it all, know it all, everyone's got an opinion,

everyone's got an answer to be like, I don't know. It's very hard to be transparent. Like I just fell in love with you. Like I am wet. As a brother. Well, you are from Virginia, so that works as a brother.

That's very on brand hey hey but I um but I just I cannot tell you how attractive it is when someone goes

what does that mean yeah how does that work right it makes you realize how full of shit most people always are yeah

pretty soon he's gonna be like how do these cameras work again Whitney Whitney Whitney how does this how does this how do these lights work how does everything work Whitney no way this is recording

um but uh but invention oh so I was like I got it Whitney, how does this, how does this, how do these lights work? How does it really work, Whitney? No way this is recording. But, but invention. Oh, so I was like, I got it. We should do EMF proof clothing. Or have the option to EMF proof, you know, your baby's crib or paint or something. Like I just, I've always been like thought like that. Like, and I've always wanted to like invent stuff. And I'm obsessed with Shark Tank. Like I'm always obsessed with like how to make this easier and how to save three seconds.

Like, I was, like, everyone makes fun of me. When I first started doing stand-up, I used to only wear Velcro shoes because it, like, saved me time. I was, like, I'm the person that's, like, okay, well, it takes, what, 30 seconds to tie both shoes? Like, 30 seconds times, you know, every day, seven days a week. Like, you know, like Nick, you know, my best friend, Nick, like he's like a sports person. Like who was the athlete that said every, there are five minute breaks.

If you take a five minute break, every practice to practice while everyone else is taking a break. Kobe probably. You'll be like two years ahead of them. Probably Kobe, sounds like Kobe. Sounds like Kobe. You're obsessed with saving time. The Velcro saved you 30 seconds during sex.

Do you get upset if it goes long? Are you going like, come on, I got things to do. I got- I take Lunesta an hour before. So you're going to have to ask Alex about that. Alex! I multitask on a- What do you like to fuck with me?

Do you use Velcro condoms? Velcro condoms. Condoms? I haven't thought about a condom in so long. Wait, I'm curious. When you haven't said, like, the dogs are always with you. Like, I remember when I, like, when I, when I'm, when me and my wife are making love, I don't like when the dog is in there.

I don't like the dog looking at me. I feel like everyone has a joke about this. The dogs are in the crates when I am having sex. But they're in the room? They can't, I am the alpha, they cannot see their alpha being degraded the way I am degraded.

Right. When people are like, oh, my dog was on the bed when I was having sex. I was like, no wonder your dog doesn't respect you. Right.

That's just why your dog jumps on everybody and doesn't sit and come when you call because you get cummed on. You just got cummed on and lightly choked. Your dog knows

when you're being degraded. So do you- You can't get fish hooked in front of your dog. It'll never respect you again. Can't do doggy style in front of your dog. Nope. If Alex is being a little dominant and then the dog walks in, do you flip him over and choke?

Do you get in the- You guys can't- I can't have Frankie see me like this and start punching Alex. I mean, sucking a dick looks dominant. It's the most dominant thing. It is. You do have all the power in that moment. Luckily, like, things that humans do that are super submissive to dogs probably look dominant.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, it looks like you're... If you're sucking someone else's dick, it kind of looks like you're just killing them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it is dominant in the sense that the guy is like out of it and like you're in control. And someone, since I am a terminal bottom.

You're what? I just said a terminal bottom. I didn't say terminal bottom. I'm like, what? No, that's Rachel Dolezal. Yeah. No, someone, why do I not want to say being fucked? If I would just talk like this, I'd be call her daddy.

And I would. Yeah, because your scent looks like Sesame Street. I don't know why, like, I'm worried about being dirty all of a sudden. But when you're getting fucked, it's oddly, you're, you're working for me. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're serving me.

You're the best because you do have one foot solidly in Hollywood and one foot in the comedy world. You got to remember which hat you got on. You're like, wait, who's the guest? It's not Michael McConaughey or whatever. You're getting me at a time where I did not know I was going to be podcasting today. So I'm a little bit all over the place.

You're a little Hollywood Whitney right now. What is this Hollywood Whitney thing? It paid for this. Why do you guys... You didn't make this for Manscaped. Theo brought me up on stage the other day Whitney right now. What is this Hollywood Whitney thing? I mean, it paid for this. Why do you guys, you didn't make this for Manscaped. Theo brought me up on stage the other day

and was like, Whitney's here, Elite Hollywood, Elite Hollywood. I'm like, what? I feel like I've been, I feel like I'm

on the outskirts of Hollywood and the outskirts of podcast. I feel like I'm a ugly duckling to both. I think that's just because you're a comic and you always feel like you're... You know, we have that... What is that? Imposter syndrome?

Yeah. And also you had 36 different hair colors within the last 64 days. Do you have a problem with that? No, I'm just saying. I feel like that bothered you. What was your perception of me before you met me? Before you met me, what was your perception? Just a very lively woman. You know? Lively woman? Yeah.

That is the meanest thing anyone's ever said. What do you mean? A lively woman? Yeah, you got moxie-ing me. Thank you. Yeah. What else? That's, I believe, that's it.

That's about it. Yeah. I'm going to leave it at that. No, you're inside in both. I don't know if I'm inside in both. I've definitely burned, I feel like doing a podcast, I've burned a couple bridges in Hollywood because I run my mouth and I say what I...

But you didn't, I don't think so. You haven't said anything. I don't think, yeah, I don't know. Whenever I defend a podcaster, I lose like six network TV jobs. That's how, that's the math on that, right?

One pro tweet to a friend, minus six shows. lose like six network TV jobs. That's how, that's the math on that, right? it's just pure math. One year, pro tweet to a friend, minus six shows. But what, is there any, what is going on with, okay, first of all,

what is this podcast? What is the goal today? The goal today is to do exactly what we're doing, which is have fun. I'm enjoying it. Bullshitting, hanging out. Okay,

good. Because I don't want to be stepping on your, sometimes I go into like Burst Podcast or Segura's and I start like being annoying and everything sounds obnoxious. This is perfect. Do you feel like Hollywood doesn't accept people that got big on podcasts? Or is that changing?

What's happening? I don't think they do because they just go, oh, since he has a podcast, we'd have to look through it. We'd have to make sure he didn't call anyone a slur. We have to make sure. Yeah, so anyone a slur we have to make sure so they just would rather go with the easier answer I think

see that's not what it used to be it used to be oh they're doing a podcast they couldn't make it in Hollywood so they're podcasting which then the podcasters like stunted on everyone and was like oh no we've built this body of work and have tons of you know library of entertainment that we can then go sell.

But then after Shane Gillis and after called people, it's like, oh, but. I think them giving the Grammy to Louis, because they're like- Grammy is not Hollywood. It's not Hollywood. The music business, don't bring that in here. But I just think a little bit of that was kind of like

the establishment going like, we need funny people back. And so they gave it to them. And then they went like this, like they were afraid they were going to get hit. Like, here's your thing. And then they went and they were looking and they were going like, are we getting yelled at? And they're like, so I think they tried to sneak it in. And I think now that like not a lot of noise was made about it, you might start seeing some people who have podcasts get hired. I think the Grammys voted for him because he was the

funniest and they had no idea. I think the music business is on is not close. They're still on drugs. Dude, they are gone. The music business is still throw some D's on that bit. Like, what? Like, they're not

So you say the music business doesn't really know funny. I don't think, I think the music business doesn't really know funny i i don't think i think the music business is not uh in the me too susceptible to this fear shit you know yeah like they're not like you just can't fuck with the music business in terms of like you're problematic for women you're degrading women music is different music is like we're all our tits are out our asses are out we're like it doesn't apply to music good point it doesn't apply violence racism is all part of the music you cannot say you cannot try to say that cardi b is problematic she's bulletproof yeah she's bulletproof what come for me what are you gonna

do you know what i'm saying good point music you can't it's emotional it's visceral it's irrational by nature it's music yeah good point there's no rationale. You cannot apply these rational homo sapien rules to what we do. And they've been good about being like, yeah, no, we're weirdo monster audio firefly people.

Like, we don't... You're right. We're all monsters. They're still doing bad stuff. They still celebrate bad stuff. We make something that makes people go... Yeah. yeah like you can't fuck with us yes okay um comedy is disposable yes music is not no comedy is up for debate music is not because you can't music is like it's like it's a vocal emotion with the sweat drop down my body i was was like the Chris Rock joke. Sweat drop, the feminist being like, it's a fucking amazing song. I don't care what he's saying in it.

The Rolling Stones. Like skeet, skeet, skeet, please, yes. Come on me. Yes. The Superman, which is also, it wasn't the Spider-Man that hoe, meaning like you come on her. Yeah.

Spider-Man that hoe. And there was like 12 year olds doing that dance. But yeah, Spider-Man that hoe. But it's also like, that's not rape. You know what I'm saying it's sex can be fun music is too fun they're like no dude we have sex and it's fun like i don't know what you guys are doing over there like we're like they're just like the party animals and we're like the nerds that are just like infighting it must it must be fun to throw cum at someone oh

yeah i've never done it spider that's what-Man? That's what Spider-Man is. Yeah, Spider-Man that hoe. Yeah. Superman that hoe. Superman that hoe. I don't know that much about cum. So, cum, if it were just to cum out, would it just be like a, is it like that facial cleanser Cetaphil? Yeah. I mean, if you had cum in your hand, you'd probably think it was ivermectin. But is it like, is there water?

Is it like yogurt-y where there'd be water you've never that's why you're i don't know if i've ever heard that sentence i don't know that much about calm i don't know that much about the consistency is it more of a viscous is it case have you seen it i've my intestines have seen a lot of it i have seen it so close that it's blurry. I know a lot about it. I know more about how it tastes than you do. I wouldn't be so sure of that. You heard about it, you just never really saw it. I've never seen it like up close and like chilled by that.

I don't know what happens after. You've never like looked at it and expected it. I don't know the trajectory. Does it dry like like looked at it and expected it. I don't know the trajectory. Does it dry like blood? I try to get. Dries like glue. And it dries brown on some surfaces too. Yeah.

Yeah. Some surfaces. Yeah. Depends on what you come off. What color does it dry on Rachel Dolezal? A lot. That's the real question. That's how she got black.

Okay. Cause the thing is come like there's an instant, like get it up, clean it up, it's gotta go. You know what I mean? Yeah. It dries brown on Puerto Rican women. And it

dries, it's a little lighter on white women. On you, it would be, like, very ivory. I used to do a joke, I can't remember, maybe my first special, or second special, when it, someone comes on your chest, how, like, it's, like, heavy, like. I can't remember. Maybe my first special. Or second special. When it comes, someone comes on your chest, how like it,

it's like heavy. Like you can't, like you, everyone or something. I can't remember like how it, and it tightens your skin. It'll pull your skin. Yeah, because it dries.

It'll, if you have like a hair, nipple hair, it'll pull it. It'll rip out. It's like a, you got to get off you immediately because it dries like cement.

Like you don't have a lot of time. So I've spent so much time trying to get off me as to not give my wax myself with it. Right. That I've never seen it in the wild. Just chill. Come in the wild. Come in the wild. Like, is it like a jelly?

It's jelly. It's a little clumpy. Yeah. I guess it depends on your sperm count too. Right. Is there water? Is it like a watery fluid outside? Yeah, it's like a watery fluid-y.

And then there's like, it's like a, it looks like phlegm. Is it like poop where it's different every time? Yeah, no, it's the same every time. It's pretty similar. It's the same every time. It's like pancake batter if you had your eight-year-old nephew make it. Yeah, like too much water. Yeah.

When I jerk off now, like now that I'm older, like jerking off is not enough for me anymore. Okay. So like, I like to play at a game to it. So part of my game is I want to get it, the shot in my belly button. It's like, I'm playing golf with the cum. So you're okay. So are you, can I ask you a question?

This is important for you guys. Do you truly not- And if it doesn't get in there, I lose. Do you not know- Remind me to remind you to wash your belly button that shit is disgusting the fact that you're

I know that motherfucker don't go all day with a q-tip you know good and well white people don't wash their legs and they don't wash

their belly buttons and they don't wash their backs yeah well Yadis uses a washcloth so I I can't with the washcloth what is it with you guys

and washcloths it's black people do washcloths okay well I have a mitt I have a disposable mitt I don't do washcloth. What is it with you guys and washcloths? It's black people do washcloths. Okay, well, I have a mitt. I have a disposable mitt. I do a different mitt every week. It's a Korean exfoliating mitt. We got to get you on the mitt.

Yeah. About that mitt. But I think that's just a fun game. And you can play it also with another, with a partner. You can have her open your mouth and you go back a couple of, you go back like 10 inches and you try to play mini golf. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Mini golf, why?

Because it's better. I guess 10 inches is your dick. It's a pot. It's a pot. Oh, it's a pot. You're trying to get it in the mouth, in the hole. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Mini golf, why? Because it's 10 inches. It's your dick? It's a pot. It's a pot. Oh, it's a pot. You're trying to get it in the mouth. In the hole. But let me ask you a question.

Do you really not know when you're about to come where it's, how far it's going to go? You don't know where it's going. No clue. You have no clue. Zero.

Zero clue. Especially me. When I'm young, my shit shoots out. It's like a film in the center of my eye. Because here's what I'll say. Once,

I just recently started opening my eyes when a guy would come at me. Cause I, cause I'm now like, I don't see what's going on. I want to get ahead of it. I want to like know where it's going.

Cause it used to be just close your eyes and just let it happen. But now I have like very expensive sheets and I want to be able to clean them properly. And so I'll open my eyes and like watching a guy come on you and then be surprised at where it's going is always a wild thing to see i'm like you don't even know what's gonna happen no it's really uh it's really it's crazy there's no like consistent sometimes you get a premonition it's gonna be a baby maker because you just like you're really turned on or you're backed up or you haven't jerked off in a while you hadn't had sex in a while define backed up backed up meaning like backed up or you haven't jerked off in a while, you haven't had sex in a while. Define backed up. Backed up meaning like you haven't squeezed

the glue gun in a little while. But if you haven't squeezed the glue gun in a little while, does it stop producing or does it just keep producing? It keeps producing a lot. It keeps on producing. The little elves in there just keep mixing. Do you remember, there was a time where, I was talking about this the other day with someone, I was like, I don't think you can do this anymore.

You're young. You're dating single? Dating, yeah. There was a time you were born at the wrong time, dude. You got fucked. What do you mean? There was a time where guys this was like when I was in college. If a guy if you kissed a guy, made out with a guy, hooked up with them you like had to have sex

with them because you'd be like, there was this thing where it's like you gave them blue balls and you were physically harming them if you didn't fuck them yeah that was just a kind of a thing i think it was kind of like a manipulative thing 100 and it worked incredibly well and it would be like oh i guess because he's in pain you're like i guess i'll just suck a stick or get my hand job or do something like this poor guy and you'd feel sorry for the guy and just fuck him just a sympathy pity fuck pity something fuck whatever

because we thought we were hurting you right if we blue balled you you guys still do that the blue ball thing it's like in college we're frats

you have to log into nine apps and say consent to it first it's a different time yeah you know can't do that to girls now if you like

made out with a guy and didn't have sex with him, you felt sorry for him. And then would just give him a pity blow. Those are the good old days. Those are the good old days. Those are the gory days. But we just had an advantage. Yeah.

But wait, I missed. Hold on. There was something that I was off track for. Okay, so the putting the cum in your belly button. Yeah. I don't put it in. That would be cheating. It's got to go in on its own or I lose.

But while you're doing, like, is that how much you love sports? Yeah. Yeah. The only thing better than an orgasm is an orgasm that involves getting, like, score. Yes. Yes. I actually am keeping score right now. I'm having a great week.

I'm about par. Tell me. Okay, so this is your podcast. People want to hear you talk. I'm having a great week. I'm about par. Tell me, okay, so this is your podcast. People want to hear you talk. I'm going to shut my whore mouth. No, don't shut your whore mouth. What's going on in LA? I want to talk to you. I listened to your episode on Rogan last time.

I feel like, I feel like. Did you learn how grizzly bears bury their food? I feel like if Rogan decided to retire today and go make knives. Make knives. That's what he would do. If he just is on the wrong side of a moose or whatever, decides he's going to. I feel like you are uniquely qualified to slide in there.

Slide in there. So you're saying, should we take him out? Somehow? You said it. Yeah, we'll take him out. How about we did it. Yeah. We'll take him out. How about we did like, you know how weekend update went from one to two. So we take him out and me and you become Jimmy Fallon and Tina Faye of

talking to scientists about vaccines. Yeah. We become the contrarian to the mainstream. You got to trick them. You got to make a full commit at that point. I had so many roast jokes just now about Jimmy and Tina, and I was too scared to make them. Did you say Jimmy Fallon show looks like the writer's room is a kindergarten, just kindergartners with crayons? Hey, guys, I wrote a good bit.

How about we smash this egg on my face? Yeah. I'm not going to say anything about Tina Fey because I have a crush on her. But yes, I agree on it. Who else do you have a crush on? Who are your crushes? That's my comedy crushes. Comedy crushes.

By the way, Tina Fey, you've read her book? No, I haven't. It's wonderful. You know what's great about him? What? Yeah, Tina Fey, she's Greek. She's a hero.

Is she? I don't think I knew that. She's a Greek and she's a hero. I don't think I knew that. Yeah. She blew my mind in that book.

It's incredible. I'm such a big fan. Also, she's changed my life in so many ways. You know, her husband's shorter than her. Really?

I'm just going to say it. Google it. All her accomplishments if that's what you focus on. I need you to Google it. You think he's a beard? Google it right now. No woman would marry a...

Google it right now. He's a brilliant composer. I'm going to pretend like I Googled it because I don't care enough. But yes, I just saw it. Nope.

I need you to do it. I need you to do it. I need you to do it. I don't have reception in here, which means you got mad at me and you changed the password. By the way. So I wouldn't have automatic reception. Yes. In my house. I'm living it up in the hotel California.

It's a lovely place. You can never leave. I feel like that's what I'm building here, Hotel California. You are. People come, they're on Wi-Fi, they can't leave, they can't go anywhere. Okay. Let me pitch something to you while you're looking for it. If we want to make a little money on the side, what if we open an amusement park in Los Angeles

and it was like a Me Too haunted house? So every guy, you get him in there and he's he's got to avoid, he's got to avoid all the possible me too's. Oh, I thought I went a different direction. I thought it was a haunted house and like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey. That's a good one too. They were all, they'd jump out at you. Yeah, that's a good one too.

That's a good one too. I was like, dude, that's the best use of those guys. Like Michael Richards. And they try to take selfies with you and you're like. That's a good, that's even better. Yeah, that's even walking. And they try to take selfies with you and you're like, ah! That's even better. Yeah, that's even better. Okay.

That's even better. Very shorter. See? See? See? Why does your phone have a horse tail? I wear my phone as a necklace. It's called a bandolier,

so I don't lose it. This is the part that I hate. Why don't you just get contacts? Because if get contacts then i gotta i can't take them out yeah like i can read without glass like i can see this fine but i can't see you my eyes are like weird i was gonna get laced my face is not something to base your i look blurry. I'm blurry. My face is out of focus. It's really funny, actually. It's don't, please don't. You have a smooth face. Yeah, it does kind of. My face is not the

it fucks up the bell curve a little bit. I do know that about myself. Yeah. He's really short. What's going on here? But by the way, here's a note. But what's going on here is he's the most brilliant composer. He's really short. What's going on here? But by the way, here's the note. But what's going on here is he's the most brilliant composer. He's a musician.

I think they worked on 30 Rock together. They're madly in love. And why not? She's the most brilliant comedy writer. She really is. Why not? Yeah. Why?

No one talks about how shallow women are. Right. No one. Let's talk about it. How are they? How shallow are they? The most. But you've dated some brilliant people.

Yeah. Right? You've also dated some not so brilliant people. I just think that it's not unique. Like, shallowness is a biological imperative. It's like, it's really just, it's brutal. Human nature is brutal, dude. And I was listening to you and Rogan talk about it with the bears and the, I feel like we could have cut it down a bit.

Yeah. I was in that way. I thought it was natural geographic on the TV. That shit was long, son. Yeah. But this sort of like our bodies want to make the most, a warrior. Our bodies really just want to make something that's going to survive for as long as possible.

It's not personal. Right. Do you ever think like, because we're comedians, do you ever think like, you know, I want to reproduce to make like a super comic? Who would you reproduce if you want to make a super comic?

Well, this just reminds me of one time Neil Brennan said to me, we were writing a movie together and he goes, you know,'re he goes i don't know if you know i co-wrote chapelle show and i'm also very funny and very smart by the way co-created as someone that's created shows i am going to be the asshole that you're mocking right now there is a very big difference i love neil brennan i'll throw him in a pool, though. I love his brother. And we were sitting, and you know how, like, when you have, like, a platonic best friend, you're like, if when we're 50, let's just have a kid together, you know?

He's like, so we made this agreement. We were like, okay, when we're 45, let's meet in a hotel room, get together, and kill ourselves. That's a comics pact. We do have that pact. Yeah. I don't, you know, look, I'm not going to say I don't think comedians should have children.

That would be really funny if you guys act like you fulfilled it. Murder, suicide. And like, you know, like you didn't, it was just like a nope. And hey, we made this pact. We're comedians. And the follow up to three mics is two guns. Now the chair is laying here.

But we, yeah. So I don't, a super comic. If I was going to have a baby with a man to make a super comedian. Yeah. I feel like. Because you'd have to go against all those instincts. But I'd want to, I'd want to. Okay.

You couldn't be, because you're not building a warrior. You're not building someone necessarily smart. You're trying to build the funniest person. You're saying smart and funny are not the same thing. I think you have to be smart to be funny. Yeah, you're the anomaly. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Yeah, I'm the outlier. Yeah, okay. Smart, maybe. In a way, are we smart? I mean, really? Yes. We're smart? Yes.

You know what? Yes. What kind of engineer? We can't engineer anything. Yes. way. Are we smart? I mean, really? Yes. We're smart? Yes. You know what? Aren't we? Yes. What kind of engineer? We can't engineer anything. Yes. Did you build this set? Why are people paying to hear you talk? Because I'm fucking good at stand-up.

Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? Yeah. I just think that comedians- And actually, not a lot of them are paying. A big part of our job is to have low self-esteem. It works well for us. But I refuse to do this,

like allow comedians to trash themselves. I appreciate that. Because I believe that you're the highest, the most intelligent, as smart as they get. I'm very negative and hard on myself. That's one of my negative traits. And that, as you should be, because only funny people are.

So it's like, but it's our job as comedians' friends to go, oh, no, no, no. The product is. I'm not going to let you do that. Anyone that comes off stage is like, nailed it. I'm the smartest person in the room. Do not trust that person. You want the funniest people have the lowest self-esteem.

That's a good point. And that's how they stay funny and stay good. You're right. So you're saying, everything you're saying is correct, but you're brilliant and you know it. And if you say that you're not interesting or funny or smart or brilliant, it insults the people that listen to you. Sorry, guys. You're insulting your fans.

You think they wouldn't listen to someone dumb? That was Andrew Schultz's breakdown of a marketing right there. I'm telling you. Oh, gosh. Yeah. I mean, you sound like him after you sold out Radio City Music Hall. That was great.

If that would have been, she would have been crying. Yeah, where's she? I didn't hear about that. Did that happen? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Bill Gates went to his show too. I did not hear about that. Did that happen? Yeah. Bill Gates went to his show too.

I did not hear about that. Andrew, we heard about it. Don't we all know? Everyone knows. We love you. We got it. They heard it. I love Andrew.

Andrew came in to audition for me for a TV show to play my boyfriend. This is how dumb I am. You know what? It's a perfect segue. This is how self-esteem, having low self-esteem is so, it works in a lot of ways, but sometimes it really

fucks you. You have to know when to turn it on and off. Sometimes it serves you. Sometimes you gotta know when to let it, like push it aside. He came and auditioned.

I did a TV show for HBO and I was auditioning someone to play my boyfriend. And I was so insecure that it was hard to cast a boyfriend because I was like, I don't want people to think that i would like think i can because people know that i'm hiring the person i don't want to hire some like hot guy because then they're

like oh he's just hiring this hot guy like i was just so in my head about it and andrew schultz came in was by far my like incredible my favorite brett goldstein ended up doing it he was absolutely brilliant he's now on Ted Lasso like it was not it was they were both brilliant but Andrew's this you know

stand up comic like we had this great report and I was like he's too young he's too handsome he's too tall I don't want to hire him because I don't want people

to think like oh who does she think she is like casting this younger he's only like two years younger than me I was just too insecure I didn't want people to think I was just like

being gross or something or like, who does she think she is thinking he would date her? Right. So yeah, you were thinking, you were assuming something

that may not have been the case. Which is ridiculous because it's like every guy in every movie gets a date a 10 years younger hot girl. I mean, it's like,

what's the one with fucking... And Andrew's good looking, but he's not like Adam Sandler. Sid and Nancy. Yeah. Adam Sandler, Simon Hayek, Katie Beckinsale. I mean, he's the king of like Adam Sandler. Sid and Nancy. Yeah. Adam Sandler, Simon Hayek,

Katie Beckinsale. King of Queens. Kevin James and Leah Remini. It's like, why can't... Woody Allen's the king of that. He's what Pete Davidson is right now.

That's true. Yeah. He is. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so Andrew Schultz is an amazing actor.

And then I put him in a movie, the one I wrote with Neil, and he has a scene with Blake Griffin. And they are so funny together. I will never forget this. Andrew Schultz won me over when he was improvising with Blake Griffin. He was a contractor, and Blake Griffin and him were just fighting about contracting work not being done or something. Yeah, I remember that.

And he goes, and Blake Griffin's like, and Blake is brilliant. Blake is so funny. Athletes are oddly amazing at comedy for a couple reasons I think we should talk about. But he looks at him and Blake is like slamming him, like trashing him.

And Andrew just goes, you smell like a pet store. Now, why do you think athletes are so good? I'm curious. A couple reasons. Number one, what's that? is it the CTE that would be football players

football players only well number one he said that because I find yeah I find swimmers hilarious after they're done really no I'm being sarcastic

okay let me backtrack on my generalization no the NFL the funny thing is to support it here's the thing yeah okay so the NBA players that I know Okay, let me backtrack on my generalization. No, the NFL- The funny thing is to support it. Here's the thing.

Yeah. Okay, so the NBA players that I know, they, I'm like, why are you guys so funny? Number one, they are in groups very young and have to defend themselves very young of being bullied. Good point. Right? Okay, so you're already going,

okay, you're in sports by the time you're five, six, you're getting bullied in the locker room. You already have to defend yourself, right? So those people that survive that go to the next tier. They go to the AAU, whatever it is, the local, you know, community. They get bullied, they get bullied, whatever. They have to charm the stands.

They have to be fun. But it's timing. It's timing. There's like that millisecond timing that makes something hilarious versus funny and that shot go in versus hit the rim

that you can't articulate. I'm going to sound like an idiot. Halston, who's making the show, that frame, cutting one frame out makes that joke funnier. I can't tell you why. It's a timing thing.

It's about surprise. It's about, it's timing. Right. And Blake Griffin has comic timing and it kind of makes sense, but I can't tell you why. It must be the same part of the brain. So why aren't the thousands of other NBA players

who played in the league, why aren't they funny? Look, I checked in on my Raya recently and I know they're distracted. They're very distracted. Distracted by women. It's Coachella this week. Yeah, Coachella.

No, but here's what I'll say. But the first part of that made a lot of sense to me. They're in a group. They got to stay with me. Stay with me. Then Blake told me they watched Comedy Central growing up constantly. So also there would have to be that part of it. They were like, we watched Chappelle's show.

We watched Anchorman. Like all we do is watch comedy movies in the locker room. And I didn't, I grew up watching comedy that isn't necessarily, I feel like what happened was I grew up because I had an older brother and I was watching National Lampoon. Had? Half. Did I say half?

You said half. I had an older brother, still have him. Right. Thank you. And we're in a simulation. It's fine. Right. Thank you. And we're in a simulation. It's fine. You're what? I said we're in a simulation.

It's fine. It's true. Yeah. So had an older brother. Why do I say that? Is that a sad thing? I thought you just said it again. It could be.

I know. I tried to say what I would naturally say. Yeah. I had an older brother. I had an older brother. That's weird. It is weird. Growing up, I had an older brother.

You wouldn't say growing up, I have an older brother. I have an older brother. Yeah, I say I have an older brother. You wouldn't say growing up, I have an older brother. I have an older brother. I say I have an older brother and growing up. Growing up, I had an older brother. So it's past tense. Or I have an older brother and growing up. Yeah, but I'm not writing a paper for the American Scholastic Foundation. This is like trying to write a Biden speech.

Jesus Christ. I'm just trying to be right now, even though I know you're right. You're alt-right. We all know that. So, okay, so now I'm lost. So the brother that you had, he was older at the time.

So I watched the movies he watched. So if you had an older brother, So you were watching Porky's while he was... Yeah, I was watching older stuff for a while. So I was watching that, Trains, Planes, I was watching older stuff for a while. And then my dad. So I was watching that, Trains, Planes, and Automobiles,

Three Amigos, Ruthless People. We didn't have money, so we would take Blockbuster videos. So you didn't grow up with any money? No, everyone thinks I grew up with money.

Why is that? Because aren't you from Chevy Chase? No. So I grew up in Washington, D.C. Yeah. And my mom worked at Mossack. What part of Washington, D.C.?

Remember, I went to school there. Silver Spring? You want to do this? Yeah, I want to do this. Okay, because this is going to make it even worse. Okay. Because there's a lot of things I can't say for legal reasons. But I did grow up in Georgetown in an apartment not paid for by...

You're poor. I ran poor. And then I went back and forth from there to Roanoke, Virginia. Okay. So you're middle class, lower middle class. Middle class. Sure. Yeah.

Is there a middle class anymore? Not anymore. No, not anymore.. Middle class? Sure. Yeah. Is there a middle class anymore? Not anymore. No, not anymore. Yeah. The glory days. And so we would take videos from Blockbuster and just keep them. And so we'd watch the same movies over and over again. And that style of comedy was like it's interesting. I look back and I'm like,

oh my God, it's slow. It's patient. National Lampoon's European Vacation, Three Amigos. It's silly. And then when you get to Comedy Central, I'm kind of obsessed with TV history. Chuck Klosterman, have you read Chuck Klosterman at all? No. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is a great book. He's a pop culture art critic and talks about how our attention span changed after MTV Cribs, randomly.

Which you just did. Which I just did, the reboot of, at the house. And so that editing of like, when they would take those two frame, two frame, two frame, like quick frames, quick cuts, it was seven seconds, seven seconds. So it's like there is some science saying that our attention span, every seven seconds,

we get distracted, which is why the great orators are always encouraged to change something every seven seconds, whether it's your body language, the tone of your voice. I mean, they say Trump studied this, Hitler studied this, Stalin, all the great orators. All the greats. Know that on some level you have to do something every seven seconds. Like they were great orators. The Mount Rushmore.

I didn't say great humans. No, I get it. I get it. But they know how to keep people watching them. Right. Right. You know, there are some people that just have that magnetism whatever, but they know on some level that they have to kind of, like Joel Osteen, like if you watch him, like he has studied this. Incredible.

Every seven seconds he's doing some kind of thing to keep your attention going. He needs some new fucking material though. He's like a couple thousand years old. Does he? I don't know. I mean, yeah. He's got like Larry the Cable Guy numbers at this point. He does. Touring wise. Live Nation is like hey girl. But like somebody else wrote his stuff. I think Barry Castro signed him. Yeah, he's coming to arenas, yeah. He's got like Larry the Cable Guy numbers at this point. He does. Touring-wise. Live Nation is like, hey, girl. But somebody else wrote his stuff. I think Barry Kastner signed him.

Yeah. He's coming to arenas. Yeah. I would love to open for Joel Osteen. That would be great. Joel Osteen. How much money does he have? He's got a lot of money.

Check his walls. Yeah. That was a good story. Do you ever go to airports at like 4 a.m. and Joel Osteen is on the TVs? A hundred million. What's that? A hundred million. He has a hundred million dollars? That's such a cartoonish amount of Joel Osteen is on like the TVs. What's that? He has $100 million. That's such a cartoonish amount of money.

He's got $100 million. That feels like it's been rounded either down or up. It's probably that though. I mean, think about it. He's like the Fluffy of the God scene. Fluffy sold out Dodgers Stadium. And Joel Osteen does stadiums. Isn't it, to get famous with your name being Gabriel Iglesias, to get famous with your name and then to get famous with a new name.

Yeah. A nickname. Yeah. Fluffy. Yeah. You think there's a lot of pastors or like preachers look at him going like, ah, it's fucking, the industry loves him. They pushed him.

You know, I could have been him. Still playing their little church. Maybe I should start a podcast or put my sermon in clips. If you're a famous church person, you hustled. And also there's what goes up must come down. That's going to be a Netflix documentary.

So you think Joel Olsen's going to crash? Yeah. You don't? He survived that money and wall thing pretty good. Money and wall. I don't know if you heard that story. No, I didn't. What was it, 70K? Yeah. Or 700K.

Like 700K in the bathroom wall. In the bathroom wall of his church that was reported stolen. The plumber was working and he found it. Yeah. And he was like, yo, what's this? Yeah, and that story came and went. And also he got over the not allowing the homeless people to go in his church. Yeah, that was another one.

When the natural disasters occurred in Texas, he closed his doors. He closed his doors. He did personally? He did. Yeah, he did. He owns the church. He did not. Those were two of them.

And he somehow, God is on it. Maybe God is a Baptist. He has Justin Bieber's PR. Yeah, he's got whoever. He's got Saudi Arabia's PR and Justin Bieber's PR. So why is it wrong to have money in your walls? Well, he reported it stolen. Okay. He reported it stolen. Okay.

He reported it stolen. He reported the money stolen. He reported the money stolen. I'm sure there's some sort of insurance situation. Okay. And then he put it, or somebody put it. The Holy Ghost. Yeah, the Holy Ghost put it in the bathroom wall of the church.

And the plumber was playing with the toilet. And he found 700K in the wall. And he offered him like 20 000 to stay quiet about it that didn't happen but that's what i would have done yeah i would have been like hey man like i found 700 i could go to the press or just cut me off 100k or let me open yeah who name one person like what this surprises me zero of Zero. Because you're saying like he's, there's always. Name one person that doesn't have some sketchy, like, is there anyone? You.

You're pure as snow. I. You got a clean record. Like, who is it? You. Who's the person? The only thing that's on your walls is blood. Yeah.

I mean, you love horses. You save giraffes. I'm just saying, like, I just feel like there is. Well, you've done nothing wrong. I know say I'm just saying like I just feel like there is well, you've done nothing wrong I don't just saying like this thing like when are we gonna stop being like but what about that thing? Right. Everyone's got a thing. Everyone's got a thing. Okay, but seven do you I'm just I'm a hot take it's his own money Right. Yeah, what if he's right? Yeah, what if he's had seventy seven hundred thousand dollars? I find that much cash

I put in a fucking wall and lied to somebody about it yeah what if he says this is how much i don't care about money because jesus didn't care about money that i use it as insulation behind the toilet it's very rare where it gets cold it's very rare that i see someone that gets make a mistake and go i mean my therapist drilled this into my head. Go like, yeah, I probably would've done that too.

I mean, I saw Mike Tyson hit someone on a plane the other day. I was like, if I, if I had Mike Tyson's body, I would do that all the time.

That kid deserved it. Yeah, he deserved it. You shouldn't be punched for having a haircut that bad in the first place, but he did deserve it. He deserved it,

yeah. That guy was a nightmare, right? I don't know all the details. He was drunk. He was like harassing him. He was taunting him and look i've been you've been around more fighters than i have uh i've been around some i mean even

walking around with brendan shop five six years ago people come around up to him they're like hey man what a fucking like they taunt them yes they do taunt they do fighters they want to get hit they want the story they want the photo they want to sue them they want to fuck with them yes it's true it's they you deserve to get hit yeah if They want to fuck with them. Yes, it's true. You deserve to get hit. Yeah. If you fuck with a fighter, you deserve to get hit. It's very funny. Fuck around, find out.

But how is the kid not dead? Because I think- I don't think Mike Tyson, he didn't want to do that. Yeah, I don't think- But Mike was in his pod. Yeah, he's hitting over the seat. He's pulling punches, for sure. Yeah, he's pulling punches.

I think the guy was like- I don't think he was in a position where he could be good. If they were in the street and it wasn't like behind a seat, he could kill him with a punch. First class got a lot of cushion on it. Yeah, there's a lot of,

he couldn't get over that bed. He was trying to get over that first class bed. Because I remember the, when I first moved to LA, my first celebrity sighting, I am in the Coffee Bean, Hollywood and Highland, and Mike Tyson's there. I'm here like two weeks

and there's nine huge dudes around Mike Tyson. And I'm like 21, and I'm like, we're waiting for coffees, and I'm like, don't say anything. And I'm like, one of the security guards or whatever, I'm like, Mike Tyson

needs security. Do you think he needs protection? And they're like, oh, we're not here to protect him from other people. We're here to protect other people from him. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. It's a little bit of both. And I was like, it blew my mind. It was like, oh, no, these six men are prepared to fight Mike Tyson at any point.

Yeah, well, they just like, they want to keep you away from him because you could get hurt by Mike Tyson. Correct. Are you? And he's a human weapon, isn't it? Aren't they licensed? Yes. You can't, you can't, if you're a professional. If someone hits Rogan, if someone hits Mike Tyson and they hit back, they go to jail.

Because they're, aren't they in like a registry, Halston, as like a human weapon? You work with Bill Kreischer. You know what it's like to work with an Adonis. But I think if they hit you, it still can be self-defense. But if you hit them. It's like a legal. It's like, it's a legal weapon. Ronda Rousey can't just hit someone at a party it still can be self-defense. But if you hit them... It's like a legal. It's like it's a legal weapon. Ronda Rousey can't just hit someone at a party.

She can't hit someone anywhere. She's more of a judo thrower. But her stand-up game, her striking game is not good. Yeah. But if Amanda Nunez can't hit someone. Okay. Right. Unless they're a guy.

Where does Rousey go from here? Rousey's in the WWE. She got banked. She's married. She's a big star in the WWE. That's incredible. I can't believe you stopped following her career. Can I say something?

I'm a huge fan. I'm a massive fan. And I was just going like, oh, as someone that is in a business where it's like you expire. Because I feel like guys were like, she's so like, we're into her as how hot she was.

She was, she was, I interviewed her and she, we flirted. And my fiance, who was my wife at the time was not happy. I'll show you the interview. I was in a relationship.

She was, she's ruined so many of my relationships. Every guy I've ever been with has been obsessed with her. And it's like, and that's a little freckle. That's like, she's a cute, she's got like a,

like she's, she's funny. She's smart. She's quick. She's self like a... She's funny. She's smart. She's quick. She's self-effacing. If she took my lunch money, I would enjoy it. Yes.

She's that type. She knows who she is. Like, she's just an animal. But no, I was thinking about it because, well, she had a movie career and I meant more

where does she go from here in terms of like, is her body shot? I'm a comedian. I can hardly hump the stool anymore. Right. I didn't realize how... I used to say all the time, I'm like, comedy'm a comedian. I can hardly hump the stool anymore. I didn't realize how...

I used to say all the time, comedy's a sport. It's not an art. It's a sport. I always used to say that because I'm so physical on stage. I have a... I have catcher's knee. I have clown lungs. I just thought of this older black comic who's got a big hump in the stool bit,

but he's older and he's trying to get in there to get in there he's like you know but he blows out his knee or something right in the middle it's like gotta go in the comedian injured reserve he can't do that bit for a while it's annoying because it's like now it's like when you are so good at writing jokes but you can't physically execute them because your body won't yeah let me Let me ask you, are you team Johnny Depp or are you team Herd? Are you Ukraine or Russia? Coke or Pepsi? This is a tricky one.

Those are not analogous. Good word. Thank you. She got smarter. She's very smart. You're also a former athlete. Yeah. You're a great joker. We's very smart. Yeah. She also, who you're also a former athlete. Yeah. You're a great joke.

We didn't wrap this up. You've got a lot. You've got a lot going on. That's not an insult on the show. We say get smarter when we, he uses big words. Yeah. I say get smarter.

I love that. I love that. I tell fans to get smarter. I'm a fan of you guys. I'm a fan. I listened to history. Like I'm a fan of you. Yeah.

He tells our fans to get smarter. I will not let you self deprecate. I just, I love you. And I'm not going to joke to history like I'm a fan of you yeah he tells our fans to get smarter I will not let you self-deprecate I just I love you and I'm not gonna joke about it it's okay

you could say you're a fan of him because he's gonna have a big career and I'm playing out the clock in my career my career is just

garbage time the score's over that's not true dude you're in the danger field he's taking over the bank at 60

he's you know he thinks he's Brett Favre and I'm Aaron Rodgers but I got vaccinated Dangerfield, dude. He's thinking of making a 60. He's Rudy. You know, he thinks he's Brett Favre, and I'm Aaron Rodgers, but I got vaccinated. Yeah, I'm Brett Favre. Yeah. It's good. At least we'll always know where you are.

Yeah. At least we can track you. Because I cannot stop watching this trial. I'm enjoying it. Okay, I just need to write this down really quick about the Blake Griffin thing, because I'm not going to let my ADD, I let it ruin my podcast. I won't let it ruin your podcast. Okay. So, Blake Griffin thing, because I'm not going to let my ADD, I let it ruin my podcast. I won't let it ruin your podcast.

Okay. So, Blake Griffin, when he came in to do ADR in post-production, so when you're making a movie, we'll record something together. And then later, sometimes the audio isn't good.

There's an airplane. You have to rerecord it and you have to match it. And if you watch movies, sometimes you can see like, you know what? Sometimes like the mouth isn't quite perfect with, or it's like a lot or so. Or yeah,

the audio is more crisper at certain moments. exactly they did adr it's called looping later i would say for most movies tv shows 30 of the audio you hear was done later in a booth and they have to match their mouth so if you say like welcome to uh long days with yannis uh uh yannis podcast that should be your name by the way right. Right. It should be Giannis Podcast. Yeah, Giannis Podcast. Giannis Papcast. Papcast? Papcast, yeah.

Papcast. The Papcast. That's nice. Yeah, Papcast. And you say, the audio sucks, you have to go and you have to watch it

and you have to go like, welcome to the Long Days with Giannis Podcast. Beep, beep, beep. Welcome to Giannis. Like, you have to do it over and over again. It takes me 45 minutes to get one line.

I'm awful at it. You have to repeat the exact performance and match your own mouth. Blake Griffin came in because I had Cecily Strong with him. I was in any movie. Had no money. We're running out of money. Another one of my crushes. Cecily Strong.

Cecily Strong? I have a crush on Cecily Strong. I listened to her on a podcast the other day just to listen to her. I never do that. Those Chicago comedians, man. Dude, dude, there's something about it. If we don't get to this Blake Griffin day-no-mah. So, he gets it.

If we don't get to this day-no-mah. This is called Longest Day. This is the longest podcast. What did Blake Griffin do? He comes in to do ADR. I block out like eight hours. So, I'm like, oh, he's, you know, he's done commercials. But like, you know, I just want to give him time.

Comes in, looks at it. He has to like say a monologue to Cecily Strong. Looks at it, watches it once, nails it. Wow. I mean, but that's what athletes have to do. They have to replicate, replicate, replicate. And they are like teachable, coachable. They don't get like, what?

I have to fix this thing. But it's perfect's good it's just like boom there's no questions asked there's no ego there's no which is ironic because i think you have to have a certain amount of ego and narcissism be like i'm the best in the world whatever but there's like a ego hum a humble narcissism line that the greats really and comedians are always, want to do it their way, right? So we don't take instruction well, right? Yes, but I think that great athletes, great comedians, they operate in seconds, whereas other people operate in maybe minutes or hours

or whatever. We operate in seconds. What kind of hooper was Whitney Cummings? Were you a role player? Were you a star? Where did you hear about this, Sarah? I mean, I know you. Yeah. I know you now. But you haven't seen me play basketball I mean, I know first. I know you. Yeah. I know you now. But you haven't seen me play basketball.

Of course I haven't seen you play basketball. Well, I did see you shoot. I've seen you shoot. You have good form. But did you see me? I saw you on the Instagram. I saw you in your high school uniform. Did you see?

Because I did. This was maybe during the pandemic. You're a tall drink of water. You're about 5'10". During the pandemic, my friend Nick dared me. Or basically was like, let's see how many. Our friend Nick. Our friend Nick. Okay.

Well, Nick doesn't like anyone and he loves you. And Nick, my best, best friend, he basically was like, let's see how many free throws you can do in a row. And I think I did 14. Nice. In a row. I think it was 14. Were you a small forward? So I was a, I was

weird that we called it power forward. No, power forward. But what is that? What's the difference between forward and powered forward? That's a four. A forward is. Because I think power bottom now. Yeah, that too.

You can be power bottom, power forward. Ruined it for me. They're kind of different. But a forward is, forward refers to the small forward and the power forward. Forward is the generic. Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward is the generic. Forward. Forward. Forward.

Forward. Forward. Forward. Forward. Yeah. Say it. Forward. Forward. At different times. Forward. Forward. That sounded like Ford. Yeah, a little bit, right? Yeah, I read that at first. Mustang again. It's forward. Forward. Yeah. Sorry we're not proper white women. Yeah.

Sorry we're from a city and we talk like fucking bad sorry we don't grow our own tomatoes okay i also say yeah i say draw instead of drawer what do you say draw open the draw yeah i say draw draw and i'm friends mind of my underwear, I say draws. Draws. Yeah, draws. Okay. What do you say? How do you say draw? A drawer? Yeah, draw.

What is that? Draw. Yeah, you take it. A drawer. But you know that's how everyone outside of New York says draw. Like, I didn't know I had a New York accent until I went to summer camp when I was a kid, and people were like, and I'd say certain words, and they'd be like, oh. What is the thing that a kid colors with?

A crayon. A crayon. I don't tolerate that crayon shit. Get that shit out of here. You say crayon, son. Yeah, no. Crayon? Crayon. Crayon, yeah.

Motherfuckers from Pennsylvania say crayon. Crown. Yeah. Crown. Or crown. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, well, crayon. I mean, there's been a lot of offenses from crayon.

In your community, nude used to be beige. How do you say? Whose community? Crayons. Oh, okay. Cray okay used to be the color nude was beige oh okay yeah yeah and they had to change it yeah oh wait that's stupid yeah because they were like nude is just beige right how fucked up is that what are we talking about now how do you pronounce things so when someone um when the mafia kills someone i just heard what community talking about in the word beige. You said your community. I thought you were talking about the black community.

Look, I'm coming for crayons. Okay. Crayons used to have, well, maybe. No, I am. Is that they used to have the word, the color nude. Yeah, I got you. Was beige in the crayon box. So there was crayons for blackheads?

It's like only white. Nude isn't only white. Nude can also be beige. Or yellow. Am I not making sense? No, she's saying nude is beige, but like if you have a nude model,

not all of them are going to be white. Well, probably most of them are white. If I'm a black tribe. Well, it depends where you are. Yeah. If you're in Scandinavia,

they're going to be white. But if you're in Turks and Caicos, it's a different story. If you say nude is beige, you're saying white is the only thing that exists. got it. Yeah got it. There was no representation in the crayon We got it. Okay Yes, yes Yeah, so are there black band-aids yet?

They are they have been yes many many many yellow band-aids for people who have liver damage I Are there yellow band-aids for people who have liver damage? I thought you were going to say for the Orientals. I said liver damage. Whitney, you didn't say that. You just said Orientals, too. She meant Oriental rug, because remember, you can say Oriental if it's in context of furniture. But she sounded like the manager. What about lantern?

What about Chinese finger trap? Chinese finger trap. Are you asking me how I say it? No, I'm asking. Oh, okay. I want to get back to that. But what are the words we can't say? We can't.

Are there some new ones? You can't say. Indian giver. You can't say Indian giver. You can't say redskins. No. You can't say chiefs. No.

Well, chief, let me ask you a question. You can't say trans woman. Let me ask you a question. It has to be a woman. Yeah. You can't say. What about, because my assistant, assistant used to be secretary. Yeah.

And then I said, you know, let's call, what about chief of staff? I call her chief of staff. And then I went, uh-oh. Wait, she's your, Emily is your chief of staff? Not Emily. Emily's my showrunner and she's on the podcast. But Grace, my assistant. Right.

I was like, oh, I'll call her chief of staff. She's the assistant to office joke. But chief, can you say chief if it's a chief of staff? If you have a native person, yes, you can. So I can't say chief of staff. But she's also from Kansas City. You have to fire her. And you have to hire someone native.

That's ceremonial. That could be a great excuse. If you need to fire her, just be like, listen, I was calling you my chief of staff. Okay, and it's your fault. And I have to get a native person to fill your role. And then what about French fries? They're freedom fries, God damn it. What about Mexican standoff?

Mexican standoff. Because where's the line of not using a word that traditionally was used to oppress and erasure? If you have two guys who are competing to do your gardening in LA, can you call that a Mexican standoff? Yes. Or if there's a Home Depot on Lowe's next to each other and they're both standing out there for work. That's a real Mexican standoff. That's a Mexican standoff.

You can do it that way. Yeah. So that counts. I don't think you can do it with a gun. No. You can't do that. No. Yeah, that was the gayest gun. You can't do that. You can't do that. No. Yeah, that was the gayest gun.

You can't do that. You can't do that. Yeah. What I get about the trans women? You can't, well, you can't say trans women, they're women. Okay. So no trans women. And so after you did Rogan, did you get any-

No. Rigmarole? No. I mean, did you get any like feedback? Like negative feedback? Yeah, or just like any like- No. Have you gotten any feedback recently? Like any new like, oops, just like any like, have you gotten any feedback recently?

Like any new like, oops, can't say that. Can't do that. He got feedback from Louis last night. He said he was fucking funny. Yeah. Louis did.

Louis was at the improv. His voice went up eight octaves. How was it? It was good. Louis's funny. And yeah, Louis was very emphatically complimentary of me. And I said,

listen, fella, you know, just keep it in your pants about me. It was historical you're getting a little yeah Louis the first Grammy winner that I've seen more 47 $47 pair worth

of new balances on yeah you had a hard time getting that one out yeah I did yeah I wasn't sure if it was the right show yeah you killed the rhythm but Blake Griffin would have nailed it yeah he would have nailed it okay did I sufficiently wrap that up did I sufficiently wrap that up Whitney you never sufficiently wrap anything up? Did I sufficiently wrap that up? Whitney, you never sufficiently wrap anything up. Yeah, that's fair.

You always go, and that's why I love it. Except the bodies in the basement. Except those. Except the babies that I took the blood from to put on my face. Except the baby blood. Do people really think I put baby blood on my face? I don't care. I don't ask questions.

All I know is that Bloody Mary was delicious. It's haggis. It's a traditional food of England.land no you don't wrap anything up because you go in a lot of different directions that's why i love listening to you because you're thorough i want to shut i don't want you to ever shut up the world doesn't want you shut up i would never tell a woman a strong empowered woman to shut up sometimes you have to sometimes women we run our fucking mouths and we talk too much yeah you do over i don't want to get smaller brains you need to go back in the kitchen but But I didn't say it.

We don't have smaller brains. We have smaller skulls. And our brains are smaller, but they jam the same number of brain cells into a smaller space. So why is the basketball smaller if your brain's not smaller? Well, our hands are smaller.

Yes, everything's smaller. But our brains are smaller. And your dicks are smaller too. But we have the same amount of brain cells in the smaller space. I don't buy it. I made a movie about this. You did.

I'm in the red. A lot of people don't know. You've written movies, shows, fucking specials, and letters to companies that you were upset with. And Yelp reviews for healers that made me drive to Venice to their hotel room who did not help me talk to my dead mother. Are you team Johnny Depp? Are you team Amber Bird? I'm trying to find you the video, the basketball video. No, find it.

Okay, so look. Have you ever done one thing at a time? No, if I did, I tried once and I immediately started sobbing. Because I think you just handed me, at that point, you put your makeup on at the same time as handing me six drinks somehow. I'm also starving. This was an ambush. There's your foot.

This is an ambush podcast. Why every time I do a podcast with you, does your foot come out? I don't know. I'm in my home. Why not? You're the best. I love you, Whitney. I just started working out with this trainer who um

I don't care electric no I'm joking okay you want to get to the dirt let's get to the hot gossip Amber Heard and Johnny Depp

are either one of them your friends what are either one of them your friends no okay so talk freely I do have this secret

thing in the back of my head that's like I mean I could play a fucking like a wine wench in Pirates of the Caribbean. I don't want to burn that bridge. You could. I would be a great old witchy

wench. Not old. Old-ish. I could be like the dead body on the island that they find. Yeah, you could play that. I'm just saying. Yeah, you could play that. You could also play a normal role, too. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. You don't have to be dead or old. Okay, so I'm not burning this one.

Here's the thing. I listened to that, the, I don't know why I did. Are you watching the trial at all? No, I'm not watching the trial, but I listened to the fight. Have you listened to the audio tape?

Have I listened to it? Have I jerked off to it? I mean, yeah, it's the best. I mean, why are you taking my boots off? I ultimately feel like they should be together.

I think they want to fuck. I think they love each other very much. Yeah. I think that this is all a sex game that we're all participating in. I think we're all in a giant kinky mess. True love, right? Didn't Shakespeare said the course of true love

never did run smooth? Was Shakespeare really Shakespeare? I think there are some theories that there were a bunch of people that actually made up Shakespeare. I bet you it was a woman and he took all the credit because of the patriarchy.

I'm just saying, wasn't there, I think, I don't know, I was reading something recently that was like, there's no way he could have made that much shit in that amount of time.

It was a lot of people doing it. He had another writer that he stole from or he put... They say that, but I mean, I don't think anyone... They?

You mean someone that identifies as they or just many people? Yeah, they. My friend Steve. When someone says they now, I'm like, so it's one person?

Who are we talking about here? Talking about her? How many people do I put on the reservation? Yeah. Can they fit in my car? I have one seat. Okay.

Is the singular person fat or is it four people? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I'm trying to find you this video. Oh, find me the video. But let me ask you. Look, I am not the person to throw stones at other people's toxic relationships

as someone who has... Aren't toxic relationships the best sex though? I am so... What's your deal with that? ...whatever about sex? You're asexual. I'm not asexual. You're just power hungry.

I think... I want to know what motivates you. Some people are motivated by sex. Some people are motivated by just sheer power. In sex, to me, I think... Maybe it's just because as you get older,

you're like, oh, I could have done that on my own. I didn't need all that. Are you in control? What motivates you? I love eating. Do you have love? Here's what it is. I had eating disorders for so long that now that I don't and I can eat,

it's like Cassie David wrote that this op-ed, Larry David's daughter, Too Full to Fuck, about just fucking when you're full of too full to fuck, about like, just fucking when you're full of food. Yeah.

Like, it's just more like, if I'm going to have sex later, I can't have a lot, the dinner I want, if I'm going to fuck later, because ass is always on the table now. So it's like,

it's a little, as more holes are now, have been introduced to the menu, you have to think ahead more. Right. You know, I feel like sex, I have to think ahead a bit, which sometimes takes the fun out of it uh yeah a little bit if you're thinking i'm like i can't order the lasagna because we're gonna you know what i mean now i like now like i had a salad i'm mad at you

you're gonna use your holes responsibly yeah do you know what i'm saying yeah so i i don't know i sex is like i'm fine with it right you just do it do you enjoy it yes totally yeah but i think that when you enjoy the most besides rescuing giraffes i know that i'm an adrenaline junkie you're adrenaline i'm an adrenaline bitch get it i'm like a junk adrenaline through and through epigenetic imprinting like once i learned about that, everything kind of clicked into place for me. I was like, oh, in utero, the chemicals, the neurochemicals that your host, that was psychotic. You called your mom a host? That's psychotic.

Wait, I want to just sit in that for a second. I'm enjoying that. I just scared myself. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah, that was weird. But listen. That spooked me. Yeah, that's a little weird.

You called her a host. I just mean, I was trying to think of a word that wasn't like your mom. You were trying to think of a word that was accurate. Well, you have a smart audience. Reflective of your relationship with her. I was trying to impress them and I came off like a sociopathic robot. Yeah. The host.

So when you were- Hi, mom. I know. Because sometimes I talk about- So you guys are close. so when you're hi mom I know because sometimes I talk about so when you so you guys are close you're trying to you're trying to

with the negative qualities of your primary caretaker people are like what's that I'm like your mom you're like you mean your mom I'm like

yeah your primary caretaker I'm very formal with my family very formal so your primary caretaker yes your host so as

and the sperm donor as the offspring yeah so when you're in your mom you didn't even say that so I'm yeah. So when you're in your mom. You didn't even say that. Yeah, I'd rather you go back to host now. I'd rather you go back to host.

The host came up more loving. Yeah. The word host had more emotion in it than the word mom. You said the word mom like I just gave you a black licorice candy. You're like, oh. By the way, my favorite candy. Oh, is that? I love black licorice candy. You're like, oh! By the way, my favorite candy. Oh, is that? I love black licorice.

Then what's the one you hate? Because that's what that one was. Yeah, I'm a black licorice person. Okay, well, of course. Which probably tells you everything you need to know. That makes sense too. I, you know what it is? I love vulnerability, family stuff.

I get very awkward. I can't. That was my favorite moment of the podcast. My mom. I'll just start by, I. That was my favorite moment of the podcast. My mom. I'll just start by, I have to like make a joke out of it. Or like this. Can you at least act like this emotion?

Oh, I'll just start sobbing. Yeah. Crying. Yeah. If I say like my mother, if I, I'll start crying. Wow. Why? What's going on there? Uh, you know. Issues, huh?

You've met me. Well, I mean, my family situation is like pretty hard. Right. And uh. That's for your comic? That's yeah. You're tearing up now? Well, yeah. Yeah is, is like pretty hard. Right. And that's where your comic that's. Yeah. So I'm tearing up now. Well, yeah. Yeah. I feel like James, do you want to see the other version? I feel like this is the other version. Yeah. Jerry Maguire. So you got the contract. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. No, it's okay. I'm just telling you,

this is the other option. If I'm not going comedy defenses, defenses, jokes, jokes, jokes, or like, seem smart, da, da, da. It's just, I will just start crying. Right. Things are tough. Mickey Rourke. Nice pivot. Yeah.

That really got me crying. You bring up Mickey Rourke. No, that was a nice pivot. Let's go from the tough stuff to Mickey Rourke. When I asked my plastic surgeon for his face. No, I. You're not going to end up looking like Mickey Rourke. Are you going to stop?

No, no, no, no, no. You haven't gotten anything. No, I get lasers. Okay, so I get something called Ulthera. I'm very open about this. I don't give a shit. Also, if you're a problem with it, fucking fine, dude.

I don't know. Steroids, hair plugs, everyone's doing fucking something. Most women do do it. A lot of women do it. Yeah, can afford it but like you know it's it's i posted a photo of my baby picture i looked like i had plastic surgery when i was two right like i look i have a plastic surgery face and i lasered my face which took off all the hair so it makes it like shiny yeah you know and then i put oil on my face all the time it's right here because that's what actually the irony is that That's what keeps your skin. Right now you look very natural and youthful. You don't look like,

yeah, you look very good. I don't. Thank you. Oh, thanks. But, um,

I, uh, I, yeah, I got money and I started taking care of myself and I know how to use makeup. And I started using Ulthera. Ulthera is a really,

it's an expensive as shit laser that you have to take Vicodin and sometimes go under anesthesia for, and it lasers it. It fries your face. I'm not sure it does. If I can go under anesthesia for, and it lasers, it fries your face. Wait, I'm not sure. Is the Vicodin, that's part of the prescription? Isn't it? Or did you throw that in?

You're like, you know, when you got a cold, you got to take vitamin C, Vicodin. That's what they say. I know this is going to blow everyone's mind. I do not take painkillers. I don't. I didn't say, I take painkillers. I don't. I didn't say, I didn't think you did. Yeah. I don't take Vicodin.

Is Vicodin a painkiller? Yeah. Okay. Vicodin, because here's the thing. I have family members that went to rehab for benzodiazepines that are, I know a lot about them. I took, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, I did Percocet when I was in college. I loved it.

Yeah. I loved it in a way that I was like, I can never do this again. And thank God I didn't have health insurance. Thank God I wasn't able to get it any other way. And family growing up in opioid crisis, rebuilding a hotel in West Virginia. I don't know why I haven't gotten the painkiller thing. Maybe it'll come. No, let's hope it doesn't come.

I don't know why it's not. Because my thing is like, my main drug is productivity. Yeah, a little bit of an alert, yeah. No, you get shit done. If something slows me down, it's not my kink. I'm not into it. Right, right.

You know, like I, Adderall, Valium, Xanax. I was with someone, I was in Austin. Yeah. I was at the Paramount recently, and someone's backstage, and they're like, hey, do you want a Xanax? The Republican Hollywood. I mean, Hollywood is so much more conservative than people. Yeah. It's the Paramount recently. And someone's backstage. I'm like, Hey, do you want a Xanax? The Republican Hollywood. Yeah. I mean, Hollywood is so much more conservative than people.

Oh yeah. Everyone's liberal on the gram, but they're conservative in their accountant's office. Correct. Correct. And when they vote, I mean, that was the whole thing with Trump is that everyone thought Hillary was going to win

because people lied on their exit. When they left the polls, they said, I voted for Hillary. And they lied. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Trump.

But no, everyone in Hollywood knew he's just great ratings. Yeah. The guy, you put him on any show and it's going to do well. I did the Trump roast.

Yeah. I did great. He's a star. You know, he's a star. Yeah, he's a star. He's straight up.

And so, he's the puck of the real world. He is the puck of the real world. He really is. He just knows how to command your attention. He's the puck of the real world. Wait, what of the real world he really is he just knows how to command your attention the puck of the real world wait what was i just saying i forgot you're talking about your uh beloved host no but we got off track yeah and the reason why you don't take pain killers because oh yeah no no it's i don't know why i feel a constantly feel the need to defend myself against doing people think i'm like on drugs and painkillers

and stuff i really don't. I maybe should. No, actually, if I took, that's the thing. If I took painkillers, I'd probably, people would probably think I was sober.

Right. Do you take any, do you take anything? I take Adderall. This is going to blow your mind. I take five milligrams of extended Adderall to sleep. That's yeah. Because some people,

it has an opposite reaction. Exactly. Right. So that's why they give ADD kids it right. Because it calms them down. I do not know anything about medicating kids i don't that is i don't know i can't even imagine the stress of that because i like have a couple friends that have foster kids that are on these meds i don't know if you should medicate kids that's not my i think it should be left up to the kid i mean you know they could make a lot of other decisions i

think what medications they should take should be up i have no fucking idea what to do with kids i if i'm in that situation maybe i will but um i wasn't on anything until by the way gary goldman came on my podcast and i was the first person with antidepressants a placebo effect is an effect you know of all the side effects like i mean the side effects of antidepressants are so intense i'm like well this outweighs that your dick doesn't work. It's true. Of course you're depressed.

You can't fuck. Right. I'm going to be depressed if I can never come again. Right. Like, you know, none of it made sense. So I tried an antidepressant like seven years ago that was soporific. It was supposed to, the side effect was that it was to help you sleep. Lexapro.

So I took that at night and it was, but it was more like a sleeping pill. Right. Because I have a really hard time sleeping. And which also, I think we've talked about this before, is not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of insomniacs, they are now saying,

could be looking back at tribes. There were certain people in the tribes that were called the night watchers. And they're the ones that would stay up at night when the rest of the tribe would sleep. They were nocturnal. And the night watchers

would breathe with the night watchers. And then we inherited epigenetics, which we'll get back to um uh basically like so there's some people that just like at midnight they're wide awake yeah that's good for back then because night watchers didn't have oreos though we were just we were just born the wrong time like i was very useful a thousand years ago now i'm nightmare um but i never was on antidepressants. It didn't work for me. Tried one, not a match. Gary Goldman came on and he was talking about how interrupting people was a form of ADD and depression.

Because I always thought depression was like, you're in bed all day. I'm like, I'm the opposite. I'm not in bed enough. I should sleep more. Like, I'm not lethargic. I'm like too hopeful. I'm too ambitious. I'm too talkative.

I'm the opposite of depressed. I didn't know Prozac stops your brain from going on loops. One of my biggest problems was I'll leave this podcast and I'll go, that was stupid. You weren't funny. You weren't good enough. You wasted their time. This is going to be a terrible episode. He's going to hate you. Why did you say that?

I would spend two hours just on that loop. That serves us a little bit as comics. You go off stage and you're like, could have done that better. Probably could have, frankly, you know, it serves you. But it was like really becoming debilitating and I couldn't fall asleep because of it. And Gary Goldman started talking about it. And these like wheels started turning for some reason, just talking to Gary, just with

how great he was doing. I saw him that night at Largo. He was hilarious talking about mangoes. Like, I was just like, you know, I was like, I saw him that night at Largo. He was hilarious talking about mangoes. Like, I was just like, you know, I was like, I'm going to just ask about this. And I asked a- You're like, what do you want? A psychiatrist.

Yeah. Like, how do I write jokes about grapefruits? I can't talk about dicks anymore. And so I went to a psychiatrist for the first time after Gary came on the podcast. And- You first, then you finally got legally prescribed. I got, yes.

And that's the first, that was like a year and a half ago. I went on 10 milligrams of Prozac in the morning and five milligrams of extended release Adderall to sleep. And it's been good. I think so. I mean, the pandemic was, I was taking edibles.

We were drinking during podcasts. It shook a lot of people up. Yeah. The pandemic made a lot, especially comics took it real hard because that was the primary place where you get COVID and we couldn't do it. We couldn't get our addiction out.

That was where our addiction is, really. Can I ask you a crazy question? Yes. Can I make this podcast interesting? Yes. Do you mind? Yes. So, Saget, Louis.

Rest in peace. Rest in peace to his career. Gilbert. Rest in peace. Why did all this happen after the pandemic is it is it

vaccine absolutely no 100% wait I just got a thumbs up from Joe I think he's watching

I hate you so much that like is there you can't ignore that timing. So, number, there's two theories that could, number one. Well, Gilbert was sick, right? Sorry, Gilbert. Gilbert, wasn't he sick or something? He was battling a lung disease, yeah.

Yeah. Saget's weird, because that came out of left field. I mean, is it like we were over-correcting and working too much afterwards and stressing ourselves out? Or the whatever proclivities and coping mechanisms we employed during the pandemic coming out of it. The readjustment period was too stressful. It does seem weird, the tonnage of people. I think it was hard on everybody. I think it was hard on, I think a lot of people

probably committed suicide during that time. I think they lost their jobs. They couldn't go outside. They couldn't see their family members. It was tough. We were isolated. Because it's like,

it's like people dying from COVID and then after the pandemic ended, like five months later, a bunch of people just dropped dead. Yeah, maybe they're, it threw everyone off a little bit. I don't know. Or like having to readjust.

I think it's also a registering of not being present because you focused on society not returning to what it was gonna be. Yeah. And finally you get there and finally you're on that hill climbing back up and your body's there, but your mind doesn't necessarily register it.

So like your body kind of just clocks out, you know? Sure. And I think we're just such a high octane, stressed out people as it is. That's what we do. We pound our bodies with adrenaline. And I think, you know, the think we're just such a high octane stressed out people as it is that's what we do we pound our bodies with adrenaline and I think you know

the pandemic was like I mean I was on the phone with Tim Dillon every day we're like who's got who's got I'm surprised you're not

dead after that I mean the damage I did to myself not even COVID related just being in the worry and the panic and the mask and the

like the way we stress ourselves refresh the feed refresh the feed and you had COVID bad to me and you we had bad oh yeah we had that's how we first really bonded yeah yeah I, refresh the feed. And you had COVID bad, too. Me and you, we had bad. Yeah, oh yeah, we had it.

That's how we first really bonded. Yeah. Yeah, I did ruin my friend's funeral in a COVID fog. Anyway. But it's tough. I could see the pandemic would be very tough on a personality like yours. A go, go, go, go, go type of personality.

I think once I, well, it's what, I mean, podcasting, I mean, thank God I had started because then I was like, let me just get good at this. Yeah. Let me get good at social media. That was our outlet yeah if it wasn't for that I think there would be some real damage I think it could without

imagine having to go through the pandemic without the internet like not even the internet like you're not connected so then you wouldn't be connected at all like the internet really did come in as like a saving grace for us but well I mean for comedians I mean it's interesting and I don't want to forget

about the epigenetic imprinting thing um and i'm not going to forget about you commenting on johnny johnny daven amber heard yeah i like um i just i just think it's hot uh that's fair enough relationship goals that's fair enough no what i was gonna say is like do you think she shit on his bed though oh is that i thought she brought a dog from australia that shit in his bed he claimed she shit on the bed he said it was human fecal matter and he said he knows it wasn't the yorkies some people shit on each other they do yeah yeah ask obj i think that once you're that rich and famous there's no way a jury can ascertain what's normal it's just sort of like the idea it's like then we drank this 18000 bottle of wine and then she shit my bed. It's like,

wait, what? Like, I don't even know how to begin to judge you because I was annoyed a couple years ago. Right. At how much you spent on your wine. And that to me is the biggest crime here.

Like he has a wine cellar. That's $4 million worth of wine. And the suit is for $50 million. I know. It's like, it's like the shitting on the bed. Like we've all like, can you explain to me the $8, dollar bottle of wine you bought that's in this

affidavit i don't give a shit about the fecal matter or the bloody hands how about this for the for society right we force like couples like that famous couples with a lot of money we force them into court and then whoever wins whoever wins has to donate all their winnings to charity. Charities, a lot of charities are scams, but something. Or like to society.

Reparations. Yeah, like maybe that's reparations. It's like asshole rich celebrities that are like fighting. Because by the way, all those lawyers are getting the money.

They're getting all the money. The people are getting the money. You know how psyched those fucking lawyers are? They're like, this is going to drag out forever because all these divorce lawyers, they're friends with each other. They go to lunch and they're like, oh, it's dragging us out a little.

They're getting paid by the hour. And that would keep celebrities on their best behavior. Because if you mess up, then you got to go to court. And you got to, whoever wins has to give their money to, you know, to study ivermectin. It's effects, the positive effects. And make the judge Steve Harvey. Yes. What?

Steve Harvey. Did he just get relevant again? He's a judge now. He's literally, he has a judge show. He make the judge Steve Harvey. Yes. What's up with Steve Harvey? Did he just get relevant again? He's a judge now. He's literally, he has a judge show. He's a judge now? Oh, like he's trying to be the next Judge Judy?

Yeah, but he has it. Like, he's there. Good for him. Yeah. Like a daytime talk show? Yeah. No, no, he has a talk show and he's a judge now.

Can I tell you, does Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man change my life? It is, it is, everyone will say it's wildly problematic,

it's super sexist, but it is like, it is like, More than Tina life. It is, it is, everyone will say it's wildly problematic. It's super sexist, but it is like, it is like, more than Tina Facebook. It is like Iceberg Slim's pimp. I remember you telling me about that change. It's brutal,

but it is like the Bible on human nature. Yeah. It's like Steve Harvey's like, you want to keep your man? Pretend you can't open the pickle jar. Ask for help.

Wear a fucking skirt. Yeah. It's like that savage. Right. I did it. It changed my life. Do you think are you one of those people who thinks like the the cruel truths are the truths

are you a realist are you an optimist are you ready here's the video okay there you go finally here's i know sorry fucking blake griffin nailing a line here's me playing basketball so you can really see how many i make. I think it's 15. Fighters are not registered weapons, by the way. They're not? Yeah. But don't they get in more trouble if they hit someone? Like if

Brenshaw punches someone, it's more than just an assault, right? Who is rebounding for you here? Nick. Oh, that's Nick. Yeah, that is great form. really yeah yeah so you were good did you were you good did you would you think about playing in college or i tried to play in college um the problem is that by the time that i was playing i played in europe for a while basketball you did by the time i started playing like super competitive yeah i got shorter and

shorter so i was power forward no, the girls got taller and taller. So I was 5'10". A power forward at 5'10". That was tall. You're a power forward. In Roanoke, Virginia, you're a power forward. You know, when you're starting

to work with the girls that end up going to UConn and Tennessee, you're a point guard. So then I had to learn how to dribble fast. And then, so when I started playing AAU and in Europe,

I started playing point guard, which I actually liked way more because it's more strategizing and stuff. But right at that same time, I started playing AAU and in Europe, I started playing point guard, which I actually liked way more because it's more strategizing and stuff. But right at that same time, I started needing money and working as a model. And then I got an eating disorder and the eating disorder kind of took over. You modeled too, huh? I did like a lot of like QVC. I did like fit modeling, which means you just like stand and they sew dresses on you for

hours and hours. Second rate model, first rate comedian. I was like, I would go to King of Prussia Mall and walk around the Neiman Marcus. And I was like that annoying girl that was like, upstairs, these wedding dresses are on sale. Like I was like a perfume girl. I did informal modeling, it was called.

I did maternity modeling, a pee in the pod. I was 14. I had like a pillow on my stomach and that's how I made money I did QVC yeah Westchester in Westchester

Pennsylvania yeah so I was like needed money and so I just couldn't be as good of an athlete because I was like

eating like four raisins a day and trying to get skinny to make money to model so derailed I even if had I not I don't think

I would be you know who you are no I'm saying, I don't think I would be, you know. Who you are. No, I'm saying, no, I don't think I would have been the greatest basketball player of all time. Right, no, nobody was saying that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brittany Griner exists. Looking back, yeah, the WNBA didn't hit the way I thought it might. But the girls I went to school with, they all went to like Tennessee and UConn.

And like, I would like watch them on. So you played real ball. Yeah. Brittany Griner, by the way, still in Russian custody. Nobody cares. Russia has great defense. Yeah, and why are there more feminists... That's a good one. Why are there not more feminists

upset about this? Because people don't care because she's a WNBA player. So was she stuck in Russia? She got... Yeah, it was during the war, and they're holding her as a political prisoner. Can I Google her? What's her name? Yeah, Brittany Griner. It's maybe because they are mistaking her for Sno a political prisoner. Can I Google her? What's her name? Yeah, Brittany Griner. It's maybe because they're mistaking her for Snoop Dogg.

Well, then, yeah, that's why they made me hold her. She's famous. Yeah, she's, well, I mean, WNBA famous. But she got arrested there? That's like PTA meeting famous.

Yeah. Yeah, she's a big woman. Wait, she can't get out of Russia? She can't get out of Russia. Apparently she brought in some hash or they caught her leaving with some hash. Okay.

I think they're trying to use her for the war. Dude, I mean, she's like their Ludo. She's like their Ludo. She's like their, what's like the person on the team that's like the- Mascot. No, like the person that closed her. I was just searching for a word. I didn't mean that. Why was that offensive? the person that- Oh, that's not good. I don't want to say that. The closer, yeah. I was just searching for a word.

I didn't mean that. Why was that offensive? Oh God. Yeah, it's just bad. Mascot? Yeah, just calling her a mascot's bad. You can't say mascot? No, I can't call a person a mascot. Yeah, but if you say that about anyone,

you're like, oh, he's like our team mascot. Yeah, let's sing to the lesbians. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh God, I was like, Jesus Christ. Mascot-ing, I was like, I live in a cotton slavery. What just happened? Yeah. But like, you know when there's like, Jesus Christ. Mass cotton. I was like, I live in cotton slavery. What just happened?

But like, you know, when there's like, like Andre the Giant, it would be like, everyone's fighting and then he shows up and you're like, oh, we're fucked. What's that person in the movie? Villain. Like the guy that's like,

like in fucking, like in Marvel movies where you're like, they're just about to lose. And then this motherfucker like, Hero. The hero. Sure, sure, sure, sure lose. And then this motherfucker like- Hero. Saving Grace. The hero, sure, sure, sure, sure. Like if she just came in.

Jesus. What's going to happen? I think everyone wants to know what we think of this war, but like, is this going to- Nuclear war, hopefully. This has been long days. Like what's going to happen? I think they're going to hug, make up,

and they're going to forget about the whole thing. I think it's going to happen? I think they're going to hug, make up, and they're going to forget about the whole thing. I think it's going to just be a big, my bad, you know. Are comedians going to start running for president? Yeah. Without a word. Without a big C? Yeah. Yeah, I think that might happen.

There are videos of the Ukrainian president playing a piano with his dick. Yeah, he was a comedian first. I love this guy. Yeah. I think we're at the point now where it's like a popularity contest. Do you, what any comedian,

who's the comedian in our friend group, our echelon that's going to run for office in our lifetime? No, never. You. Never.

Never. You're the only person I think who could do multiple things at the same time. War in Ukraine. Okay, I also got to put my makeup on. Okay, I got a podcast in four. Okay.

There's hungry people. Flint needs water. You'd be handling it all. I'm really not that person. And Emily, your chief of staff, and your Native American representative. And Annie Letterman's going to be vice president. I have no political aspirations whatsoever.

You wouldn't do it? I mean, Al Franken was a senator. He's also a rapist. Ugh. No. Someone asked me about that the other day, and I was defending him. What did he do it? I mean, Al Franken was a senator. He's also a rapist. Ugh. No. Someone asked me about that the other day and I was defending him.

What did you do? You took a picture? I was defending him so hard. Yeah. Yeah. I was defending him so hard. I was like, it was a picture.

He was being silly. Who cares? And they were like, well, there were like eight women came forward and I was like, ugh, I didn't know about that. Oh, I didn't know about that either.

Ugh. I don't know. It's just, I'm going to stay out of that. But who's going to run for office? I would, I'm serious. You wouldn't do it?

No. No. No. You run for office? I'm serious. You wouldn't do it? No. No. No. You can do multiple things at multiple times. I don't want to. I have no desire to. That's why you're a prime. I grew up in D.C.

That is a shit show. To me, politics is a, politics to me is sillier than sports. But that's why you'd be a prime candidate because you're reluctant, which means you have morals. You don't want the power. But I don't think I this is really fucked up. But like having grown up in D.C., I think it's a quagmire. Like, I think it's just a cesspool.

I don't think you can really get much done. I'm I'm all about productivity and I want something to be able to get accomplished. If you brought that attitude to D.C. Yeah, I think I don't want to. No, no, no. I don't. I don't. Whitney Cummings for president. You can tell people that have political ambitions in our field. But you don't want those.

I feel like George Clooney might run for something. Yeah. Don't you? Reagan was- He's not in our thing. I mean, if the guy can't sell Nespresso, he can't run our country. Yeah. He can't sell Nespresso and then run.

Reagan was an actor. This has happened before. It's happened before. The Trump thing is not that weird. That's a good point. Clint Eastwood was the governor. Yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor.

Yes. This isn't that weird. Roseanne ran for president. Yes. She ruined that with her Twitter. Hillary was a senator from New York. This isn't that weird. She was acting like she was from New York.

Yeah. It's not that weird for an actor to make it into high office. You're right. No, She was acting like she was from New York. Yeah. It's not that weird for an actor to make it into high office. You're right. No, that's what it is. You're right. That's all it is.

Yeah. So maybe not a comedian. Maybe it's an actor. Maybe it's... Like Sam Harris could run. Jared Leto. Like Rich Roll. Yes.

You know what I mean? These people that are now like, oh, I have... Josh Peck. But these people who are... John Stamos. But also These people that are now like, oh, I have. Josh Peck. But these people who are. John Stamos. But also these people that now have fame from being, having podcasts, you know, that are like, oh, I'm pretty good at this. That aren't touring comedians making money other ways.

They're like the next natural step. If someone gets famous off doing Rogan four times and now has their own podcast. Tim Ferriss. He was not Rogan. I know. But these people. That feels like the next natural step

for them. Yeah, maybe. It used to be like public service is how you would start. You know what I mean? Now it's a different path.

Law school, Barack Obama went to law school. Now it's like, I have this big podcast. You do Flavor 2, then you do, right. Beto O'Rourke's

biggest mistake? Yeah. Didn't have a podcast. Didn't do podcast. Maybe that's the new rise up. 100%. You do Mary. 100%. You do do podcast. Maybe that's the new rise up. 100%. You do marry. 100%.

You do Rogan. Then it's like run for president. By the way, Rogan just had the sub-mayor on that's running for in California. Yeah.

Remember? No, but I'll say yeah. I think that's like the thing. I mean, what's the guy that's that everyone gets so upset about? The guy,

the conservative-y guy that Alex Joe. No. No, the conservative-y guy that... Alex Joe. No. No, the brother from LA, right? Tall. No. I hate when people do this.

Tall? And I'm doing it. The guy that is... He's like an incendiary philosopher. He was on Theo's podcast. He was on... Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson.

I know he's Canadian, but you're telling me he's not going to run for office? He might run for president. Ben Shapiro, you're telling, he's- Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson. I know he's Canadian, but you're telling me he's not going to run for office? He might run for president. You're telling me he's not going to run for office? No, he's definitely not. No.

Well, he's got his own movie business going on. Yeah, he's got a whole studio. By the way, it's just my goal to be in a Ben Shapiro movie. I just want to be in a right-wing movie about a school shooter. I'm kind of obsessed with that.

I'm sort of obsessed with that. I can't wait for that genre of movies to hit. It's just really funny. If you, here's what I will say, because I'm so able- It's like someone breaks into a house and a housewife has like an AR-15. Yeah. i am like so trying to stay out of politics because i just

don't think people that aren't qualified to say shit should say shit and i know that's wild coming from a white woman but uh if you just get your ego out of it if you're because right now in politics it's like teams it's cowboys versus the team from washington whatever. It's all just teams. If you step away, if you're really participating in politics and like really believe the care, you are missing how fucking hilarious it is. Yes. You're missing that. There's no more. And if you can get your ego out of it and if you can get your self-righteous indignation

out of it, like it's so funny. Yes. If you can watch it without having skin in the game. Yeah. Well, that's why it's good to be a comedian, because you're outside of it. A lot of comedians are in it now, when they should really be outside and make fun of both. You should be able to make fun of both, everything. You shouldn't only have to be left-wing or right-wing.

Make fun of both. Everyone can catch these hands. It's not Ben Shapiro or Netflix. It's both. Ben Shapiro, I like it. Also, I like listening to- He's fucking printing money. I like listening to people that I don't agree with.

Yeah, me too. That to me is an interesting conversation. I'm married. I do it every day. By the way, can I just ask you a couple questions about your marriage? Sure. How long have you been married? We've been married for three years.

That's all? That's it. We've been together eight, but we've been married three. Yeah. I had to wait for her to grow up. Turn 21? Yeah. How come I haven't met your wife? I don't know. You say that

like... I'm just curious. I guess we don't... It's been the pandemic and she hasn't come out here. I've only been here. You can't leave the kid. You have to come to my house. Yeah, I want to. When I come and shoot my special... I want you to come up to the house. I'm shooting my special in New Jersey. Newark, New Jersey, May 13th and 14th. Absolutely. We're going to hang. Last time I was in Montclair, I asked you to come up to the house. I'm shooting my special in New Jersey. Newark, New Jersey, May 13th and 14th. Absolutely.

Last time I was in Montclair, I asked you to come hang. Yes. I couldn't do it, but we will. I'd love to hang with you on the East Coast. We didn't finish. Okay, so epigenetic imprinting. The chemicals that your host emits while you're in utero, you become addicted to as the offspring. So if, like Crack Baby 101,

if your mother's doing drugs, you're going to be born addicted to drugs. Opioid baby. If your mother is, was your mother an adrenaline junkie fighting in a bad marriage, stressed out, producing a lot of cortisol, you're going to be born.

Whitney Cummings. Addicted to adrenaline cortisol. And you're going to subconsciously seek out dramatic situations, put yourself in stressful situations to get that homeostasis of um the equilibrium the neurochemical equilibrium yes all right we look you gotta go seven was this good i feel like this was it's always good with you i don't know i think it was good it was good yeah i was just invited to machine gun kelly's birthday party and you you're going. All right. That's it.

I love you. I hope this was okay. Am I going to get killed by your fans? No, you're not. You're not going to get killed by my fans. I feel like it wasn't funny enough.

You know, people who comment, that's like 1% of the people that listen to anything. I know, but I feel like we should've been funnier. But your fans are smart. They want like smart stuff. Yeah, I think we did

a little bit of everything. I think we gave them a potpourri. Yeah, we did. And I didn't, do you have like a going Amber He thread no just no i just was no pun intended yeah i just feel like when people that rich are mad about anything the shit in the bed is the least of my issues yeah they're like well and she took the london townhouse for that was eight million why did you pay for that like i get enraged by the things that no one else gets

enraged by yeah and the shit and the bad, I'm like, who cares? Seems like an honest mistake. Everyone seems to be on his side now, but she hasn't had her turn to talk. And now everyone's waiting for her turn. What's she going to say? What did Johnny do? I want to know what Johnny did. Also, when two people that get awards for lying,

you can't trust the other one of them. Go to court? Yeah. It's hard. It's a performance, to court? Yeah. It's hard. It's a performance maybe. We pay these people millions of dollars to hoodwink us. Yes. And now we're gonna believe them?

Take their word for it? Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't think actors should be allowed to testify in court. Right. They should both be banished. It's actually their job to con us. Yeah.

And each other. Yeah. These are not people that we should trust on any level ever. It's a $50 million fight. Imagine being on a jury where Johnny Depp is telling you a story. You're like,

do you believe him? It's like, fucking Johnny. He's a good actor. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, even if he was lying, how would we know?

He wouldn't know. Have you seen The Crying Game? Yes. Don't you have to find people who don't know who he is? You know what's funny? Yes. It's actually ultimately to find people who don't know who he is? You know what's funny? It's actually ultimately an acting competition, isn't it? Kind of, yeah.

Who's the better actor, Amber or Johnny? Yeah, don't reward him alimony. Give him an Oscar. Yeah, truly. Yeah. It feels like a performance. But yeah, they have to find people who don't know who they are, right? Or else there's going to be a call to the actor's name.

So where is the trial? Like in the Appalachian Mountains? If I'm Amber Heard, if I'm a gold digger, I'm not going to date a really good actor. Did you just call Amber Heard a gold digger? No. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think you meant Amber Heard's a gold digger. I didn't.

She's a piece of shit. Hot take, hot take. To me, I don't believe you're entitled to any of your husband's money that was made before you were with him. You heard that from feminist? I don't believe it. I agree with you. It hurts everybody. It's unnecessary.

I agree. Period, the end. So I just watched The Dirty John with Amanda Peete. Amanda Peete's performance in The New Dirty John that's about Betty someone. She was the woman that

basically started the conversation about if you and I are married when we're 22 and you go to law school and med school and I waitress and hustle and babysit to help pay for your law school and med school. And we're together for 20 years. You become a very rich lawyer for medical malpractice because you have two degrees that I help pay for and raised four of your children so that you can go become a billionaire. I deserve some of that money. Betty Broderick. Betty Broderick. That's fucking interesting and true. That's what-

It's Cooper Cup. That's what basically- Michael Douglas' wife that was with him during Wall Street won when Wolf of Wall Street came out, or I think it was. She said, well, I was with him. I get some of that. And she won. It's a California law. Yeah. So it's like that emotional support, well, I was with him. Well, I get some of that. And she won. It's a California law. Yeah.

So it's like that emotional support, it counts as work or whatever. Because I, and she was like, I paid for his law school. I paid for like. Yeah, but that gets like into a very subjective territory. It's very tricky. It's very tricky. And I'm not saying I know the answer, but this is, this was me watching the show. Cause I was like, I get it.

It's like, she has nothing. And he left her for a 22-year-old and she had given her entire life. She could have gone to law school. She was brilliant. She had to represent

herself in court. She knew so much about the law because she helped him through law school. She wrote all his papers and stuff that she represented herself in court.

You know, it's like kind of an amazing story and she just, he left her for a 22-year-old receptionist and she was left with no money.

And he knew the legal system so well and he made it so he accused her of molesting the kid and she didn't know about it so she lost everything and had to go to like a loony bin basically for being old right so have you heard from my lawyer uh i saved your life and i j davis what's his name yes j davis and i saved your life during that dog fight so all your earnings from this point on please i yeah i just I just think any woman that is like, I married a rich guy that's been rich for 50 years and I'm going to take money that came in before I was 10 is just like, you're hurting everyone.

Yeah. Just stop. You hear that? Go make money. Give it back. Go Lord. Dude, Lauren Sanchez did it right. Who is she?

Bezos. Oh, she's like, I'm going to she? Bezos. Oh. She's like, I'm going to just stay in shape. Yes. I look amazing. I know what to do. I'm not going to take you to court. I'm just, whatever she's doing.

If you want to buy me a few things, that's cool too. There's guys who want a woman that is going to obsess over them and spend their money. Some guys want that. Yes. And there's women that want that lifestyle. There's men that want women that want that lifestyle. Yeah. And you can find each other. There's a way to do it.

Right. That is copacetic and synergy. It's called synergy. It's called teamwork. Right. But I don't, I never heard K-Man. It was like trying to play a different. It's like, no, you're 25 and gorgeous.

You can go make money a million other ways. Right. Don't hit the horse, Whitney. Do you know what I'm saying? What is this trudging? And then the only problem, I go into like, oh, this feels like a mental illness that I'm not qualified to speak on. Because why would anyone want to do that?

I think you're making a very good point. And you guys are actors. Act like you know how to resolve this. Yeah, just figure it out, guys. Yeah, that's a very good point. Figure it out, or please continue to do it on TV because it's very entertaining. You acted like a man that flew through the air that was blue you know what I mean

can you act can you act like you can resolve this issue like you've acted way weirder things you've acted like a pirate for three years you can't act one lawyer said well why didn't you leave if she was so beautiful he goes well because my mother didn't,

because my father didn't leave. And like, guy, you know, what are you blaming your parents? You're a 60-year-old former actor. Well, he's just not, I'm famous. If I leave, I get paparazzi. What do you mean? Yeah, just be honest. Be like, I can't leave because I was dumb enough to marry her. Now I gotta give her all this fucking money. I can't leave. It has nothing to do with your father.

Okay, I'm Johnny Depp. Walk me through that, judge, sir. Who's the Steve Harvey? Who's the judge? Steve Harvey. Here's some opiates. Okay. Thank you.

You did say you were Johnny Depp, right? Hey, Steve Harvey. Yeah. If I leave. Why did you look at him when you said Steve Harvey? I just want him. Because of the sevens, every six seconds I have to look at him. Good.

Now you're getting it. So, because if I leave her, I'm going to go where? Soho house, whatever. And then some other fucking hot blonde girl is going to do the same thing. I'm going to do the same thing over again. Right, right.

It's going to keep, I'm a billionaire rich man who loves young women. This is how things go for me. Right. Johnny, what did you think was going to happen? I didn't think. You married a woman with a headshot who's an actor. This is how things go for me. Right. Johnny, what did you think was going to happen? I didn't think... You married a woman

with a headshot who's an actor. Sure, sure, sure. She's like 25 years younger than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she has dimples. Yeah, she's smoking hot. I don't...

I have dimples. Yeah. I don't... It's honestly... I did not think there'd be fecal matter in my back. That's what he's claiming.

But if she older guys don't like shit younger guys don't care I know Johnny get with it dude older guys do not like butthole stuff they don't like shit

they don't like any of that they don't like pee younger guys are into it I think she if you're dating a younger woman you better be ready for

shit their assholes are loose younger women don't care about the thread count you got on your bed no no no they were having butt sex at 13 now.

Yeah, they do. Their sphincters are all over the place. Yeah, no. When you get older, you're not in any of the fecal matter, pee. Because if you're shitting on a bed, you also pee a little too. You can't pee and not. There's no way to really for her to shit. Without peeing a little bit.

Without peeing a little bit. It could have been they had anal sex and I mean. That's happened to me. A lot of girls I know shit their pants more than I understood. It's a pretty common thing.

Yeah, it happens. Yeah, it's the new oat milk thing. Yeah, it may not have been an intentional shitting on the bed. Yeah, I think does she drink oat milk?

What is her Starbucks order? And also Johnny Depp was like very addicted to drugs during this. So who's to say that? Did he say that? Yes. But that doesn't mean.

I'm just saying, was that not his shit? I mean, how many people, you know, get fucked up and then shit the bed? Where are all these cleaning ladies? Like, where are all these ring cameras? Yes. Where are all the. Also, also, if you're both talking about this, you both trash right so to me if you and i are together for whatever five years money spats no matter how how dirty you do me i'm not bringing

up the shit in the bed because so much other because it's just like whatever that's just you know what i mean that's between us that makes me look that makes everyone look bad right the fact that you're like bringing this up means like you don't have self-respect you don't respect for you like y'all are just pigs yeah right where i have a modic as someone that had to like testify yeah in divorce proceedings it's a lot of nasty shit in a divorce there's some stuff you just don't bring in did you have to testify in a divorce yeah Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was like, grew up in a pretty acrimonious divorce, like being taken from house to house.

And there's certain things where you're like, you know what? That has no place in a courtroom in front of a judge. This guy's wearing a dress. Don't talk about the shit in the bed. There's plenty of stuff beside.

The shit in the bed feels like low-hanging fruit. Right, right. Do you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. I don't like either of you. Right. I don't like either of you right i don't like

either of you now right both of you lost me right if if someone's shitting in the bed i don't want here's what i will say yes if a woman shits in your bed there's no way they're wearing a couple red flag that doesn't come out of nowhere right that doesn't you you you have a part in this right if you have this feral animal that's just shitting, if she's that disrespectful. Right. I mean, if someone. That's a good point. That doesn't come out of nowhere.

She didn't tip the waitstaff. She was rude to valets. Like, no one just shits in a bed out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. There's a building. You build to it. There were signs. Yes.

There was other disrespectful behavior. She didn't say hi to your cleaning lady. Yes. She doesn't wash were signs. Yes. There was other disrespectful behavior. She didn't say hi to your cleaning lady. Yes. She doesn't wash her hands. Yes. There's other shit going on. Yes. Yes.

You do not seem like the victim here. Yeah. You made your choice to marry her, Johnny. And why? What is the obsession with marrying? Get a ring. Have a party. Why do you have to sign all this shit?

Yeah. You don't have to. You got to deal with it. Pray for rain, you got to deal with the mud. It's amazing to me that no... You know what it makes me think? I'm like, hey, actors, have you ever seen any movies that you're not in? Because most of them are about this issue. It makes me think that you

guys are so narcissistic and insecure. You can't watch any movie you're not in because most of them are about bad marriages and divorces. Kramer versus Kramer. Watch a movie. Watch any movie.'re not in because most of them are about bad marriages and divorces. Kramer versus Kramer. Watch a movie. Yeah. Watch any movie. Yeah. Yeah.

Batman, you know, the Dark Knight. Yeah. Read any news about any other, like, it's just wild to me. Yeah. White man can't jump. But I also think that, I also think that actors, really great actors, Really great actors, hot take, are, I think, deeply infantile and impish and naive in a way that serves them as actors and doesn't serve them in life. And I think that what we just saw happen with Will Smith, I did look at you.

Hollywood's 9-11. Who said that? Nikki told me that someone was saying that. I said that, yeah. Was that you? Yeah, it was me, yeah. Who said that? Nikki told me that someone was saying that. I said that, yeah. Was that you?

Yeah, it was me, yeah. And like that- It's good to know she's watching my Instagrams still. Who? Nikki. You said Nikki told you that. I'm sorry, you said Instagrams, plural. Oh, sorry, yeah.

And it was just the oldest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I just appropriated your culture. I'll correct that. I'm sorry. I do have to go soon. It's mom's pops and Instagrams. Yeah. Should I ask him, can you drive me?

Drive me? Let's wrap this up. How long has this been going? I'm just saying. How long? I do think we're going to see. Well, please tell me we're going to cut some of this. I do think that what we just saw happen with Will Smith, not defending whatever, is like,

just because people are rich doesn't,'s a there's a type of mental i don't think people are designed to be that famous i agree we're not we're not there are no mirrors in nature we're not designed to see ourselves yeah right you know at ponds ice come for me yeah that's profound actually i mean yeah so there is an end to up no and i think too much i think when these people signed up to be famous it was you're gonna get all the adulation accolades without the negative feedback like no one signed up to be famous it was you're gonna get all the adulation and accolades without the negative feedback like no one signed up for this whole

it used to be like love you love you and then someone talks shit about you at the water cooler in their car somewhere out no one heard

the negativity before they signed up for universal love too saturated in the positivity yeah good news only and now all of a sudden

it's you know Will Smith it's like you're gay your marriage sucks you have an open marriage like you used to be able to keep they signed up for fame when you could have secrets and the positivity. Yeah. Good news only. And now all of a sudden it's, you know, Will Smith, it's like, you're gay, your marriage sucks, you have an open marriage. Like, you used to be able to keep secrets.

They signed up for fame when you could have secrets. Right, right. You know? And now it's just sort of like... They've seen the YouTube comments. Yes, and they've been so protected and coddled

for 30 years, had no discomfort whatsoever. And now, you know, I just, I think that we're going to see more and more of famous people snapping. That'll be fun though.

Dude, finally, famous people are going to be entertaining again. We're seeing like the wheels are falling off the wagon. Yeah, because that was like the most talked about Oscars. So maybe next time someone will get shot. Yeah. And that'll be the only way. We're going to shoot somebody in the Starbucks when they write his name wrong on his cup.

Yeah. Or somebody was shit on somebody. We should leave now. All right. That's it. This was fun. Thank you, Whitney. I hope this was good.

Don't be mad at me, guys. Very good. Only positive comments only. No, don't. Negative ones are good. They make me stronger. They make her stronger. She's strong.

I can handle it. And if you marry Whitney, she will not take your money. She has her own. It's been a long day.