Yannis Pappas Hour - Are We Trending Yet with Tim Dillon

Episode Date: March 12, 2022

It’s the Fig & the Pig. Tim Dillon stops by the studio for a long day. The boys talk the criminality of Long Island, the racism of Long Island, and at its core what makes the people who they are. Tim teaches us the virtue of selfishness. He also delves into why you care about the Ukraine but not Yemen. The boys break down the United States if it was a person and what “cool drones” are! Tim Dillon previews his new upcoming book The Keys to Success about why it’s important to cancel your family and how a person never mentally comes back from Florida. Just like you’re never the same after immersing yourself in the fetaverse. It’s a Yanni & Tim parade and it’s sunshine ☀️ because it’s a LongDay. Follow  @The Tim Dillon Show  Bonus ep this week, “Pedophile Plantation”can be accessed here https://www.patreon.com/posts/63633794SponsorsCerebral https://cerebral.com/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=audio&utm_campaign=fumesSpringfield Mass, San Antonio, Phoenix, Cleveland, Newport RI - Yanni stand up tour dates & tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comJoin for weekly Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysSubscribe to our clips page for podcast highlights https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwThe show goes out every Saturday but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram on Wednesdays.Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis PappasInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days. I wanted to wait till I got to Miami to make this intro because I just felt like I wanted to get Miami's vibe on this episode. The episode we got coming up is with one of my good friends. You might know him as Don of Long Island or The Pig, Mr. Tim Dillon. So it's a really good one we really have a good time i want to tell you about my dates before we move any further so you guys can come see me live this is really my dump tour i'm going every place that's a dump so my next stop is springfield massachusetts a real dump march 18th through 19th all the tickets are available at yannispapascomedy.com. And then I'm in San Antonio. If I can fit. It's hard to fit in that city. It's not a lot of space with the people

taking up a lot of room. March 24th to 26th. March 24th through the 26th in San Antonio. I hope I said that right. Did I say San Antonio? I hope so. San Antonio, March 24th through the 26th, if I can fit. Then if I can get my papers together and prove that I'm an American citizen, I'll be in Phoenix, Arizona from April 14th through the 16th. I'll probably get pulled over a few times because I'm a little swarthy looking. Then I'm going to be in the city that LeBron killed, Cleveland, Ohio, May 5th through the 7th. I'll be in my hotel room when shows aren't going on because there's nothing to do in that city and I want to stay safe. Then I'm going to a nice place, nice little theater show, May 28th, Newport, Rhode Island. And then we're back at Uncle Vinny's in September.

So get your tickets at yannispappascomedy.com. Also, this week's bonus episode is about the Cain Velasquez story and some more pedophile stories where parents took vengeance on the people who touched their kids. We check out NAMBLA's website and I get so disturbed I have an out-of-body experience. But I have a great solution to what we do with pedophiles. So check it out, patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days. Also, go leave a review on Apple Podcasts. I have some shirts left. Not everyone's going to get them because I'm going to run out. But if you get there first, you'll get the remainder.

I got about 30 shirts left. So 30 people will be chosen to get the rest of these shirts. So thank you for those who left a review. You know what to do. Go to my Instagram. Leave a review with your address. Post a picture, a screenshot of the review. So I know you're not trying to get a free

t-shirt for nothing in return i appreciate all you guys doing it i'm glad i motivated you with a free t-shirt we could probably stop this ukraine russia war if we just pulled out a few t-shirt guns people will do anything for a t-shirt enjoy this episode of the fig and the pig with tim dylan this episode of The Fig and the Pig and the fake politics, and the propaganda. Yeah, this kid's screwed in, got a lot to say. Aw, shit. It's about to be a long day. It's a long day. It's a long day. What's up, everybody?

Welcome to another episode of Long Day. It's a special episode. We got a special guest. We got the king of Long Island. We got the man, Tim Dillon, in the building on the East Coast. New York City would be nothing without Long Island. Let it be known Let it be know it's really people think it's the other way around but it's not Long Island is the thing New York City is just a satellite

That's not true. That's your opinion. That's not true. There is no truth anymore. It's your opinion. Jared knows. I'm right. I'm right Yeah, we got to Long Island, two Brooklyn kids here. We never thought about Long Island growing up. It's like Canada to us. We didn't think about it. Okay. The only thing we thought about was like- It's good because those are two places that people from Brooklyn can't afford to live.

Canada and Long Island. It's good that you don't think about it. There's a lot of dumps in Long Island. Hey, man, for sure sure but they serve a purpose yeah right what is those purpose somebody needs to make meth is that right is that purpose to keep it just to keep long island people in long island for them to rationalize why they like well george carlin had that line with the poor there to scare the shit out of the middle class yeah you got to keep a little bit of uh you got to keep keep a few problems just to let people know

how bad it can get I almost think sometimes the middle upper class people of Long Island maybe they fund MS-13 to scare themselves so they never leave Long Island the thing about Long Island is that it is the people that live on Long Island are the stupidest

people in the country what do you mean um they're the dumbest i've performed in in uh alabama i performed in like all these places there's something long island has a very specific strain of dumb uh they are confident hicks they are hicks with the confidence level of like really cultured people right and there's something about it that it's enviable in a way jerry seinfeld in the movie comedian goes how big do you have to be before those shut up talking about long island they're going it's really alabama out here like there's something about long island that it just breathes the confident hick.

Case in point. Yeah. But I escaped. I escaped and then I went back. But where I'm in Long Island is not really Long Island. Right. Long Island is confident, boisterous, ethnic. Yeah.

You got to hint the Jew in there. There's bar mitzvahs I always said like if you're a dad from Long Island you're almost praying for a son the way the Spartans did yes if you have a daughter you're in for a sweet 16 you're in for a nose job yeah there's a couple things you got to pay off wedding sweet for sure nose job Long Island is a it's a time capsule meaning that it refuses to evolve in any meaningful way and that's good or bad it has positives and negatives bagels are great they stayed the same yeah the food there is the best in the country right because if there wasn't, there would be riots. Like people, it subdues the people.

It keeps them kind of happy. But it refuses to evolve there. Like Long Island is 10 to 20 years behind Manhattan or any other major city in terms of like if you go to a restaurant or if you go anywhere, you look at it, you're like, whoa, this is dated. Long Island's in the early 2000s now. It's true. Yeah, they're in the early 2000s now. It's true. When you go to restaurants in Long Island, like an Italian restaurant, it looks like a restaurant in Brooklyn before gentrification.

Yeah, it looks like a movie set that they put up. Because Long Island, it's best explained this way. It's a bunch of people longing for a time when they didn't even they weren't even alive right they just they're longing for this era that they're longing for the rat pack right none of them were alive for that right none of them have any connection to it they're just longing for this like romanticized version of america that kind of never existed and certainly didn't exist in their world right but it's a funny place. Does the geography of Long Island have anything to do with the mentality of people? Yes, because it allows people to appropriate

the accomplishments of New York City and the magnitude of New York City and the importance of New York City. And it allows them to feel that they have some type of relationship to that or that conveys some sense of legitimacy to them is also there's nine million people back there I didn't know that till a couple years ago it's a lot it's a lot of people a lot of Long Island nine

million yeah and they're also like there's two ways out and those ways out are packed with traffic yeah and nobody takes them nobody takes them is that part of why they stay there? Because Long Island almost feels like it feels like a disconnected island from Brooklyn and Queens. It's almost like... Well, it's the first suburb, and I always explain it like this.

It'll be the last. I mean, it's going to dig in and hold on to the racism, the hatred, the fear, the paranoia, the buffets, the fentany the fear, the paranoia, the buffets, the fentanyl, it's gonna hold on. Every suburb will eventually look like Long Island. Like Austin, have your fun.

Have your fun. Like all these things that are on the come up, like my Coconut Grove, have your fun. Eventually, at the end of the run, instead of these green leafy suburbs that they start out with you're gonna have track housing buffets and fentanyl that is how it all inevitably ends because the comfort will corrupt yeah everybody gets fat and

happy yeah everybody you know long island's the only place in the world you could just get a job from your mother's friend. And you could stamp pool passes for $70,000 a year at the rec center. Right. And then have a separate dark web kiddie porn business on the side. You could work it all around. You can work it all around. These places are all going to eventually end up, Long Island, a very ugly place. There's beauty, but it's very few and far between, and it costs more and more and more money now. Because the majority of it is ugly.

It's true. It's consumerism run rampant, fear, paranoia. It's ugly. Yeah, they sit there, they watch Fox News, and they just— They're angry, and they're waiting for MS-13 to climb in the window, and they're waiting for—because that's what keeps them going, is fear. Yeah. In Long Island, it almost seems like everyone has some sort of criminal slant in addition to their... Is there a doctor or a nurse on Long Island who is not reselling pills on the black market somehow?

Everybody wants to get ahead. Yeah. You're exposed to a lot of different classes of people at a young age. So you see really wealthy people. You see a lot of middle class people, you see some poor people, but your value system is very material based. Cars, houses, swimming pools, are you on the water or not? Are you in a beach club?

You go to the Hamptons. 13. 05. 06. 13. That's a big one on the water, right? Yeah. But all of these class distinctions are available to you at a young age.

If you grew up in where Shane Gillis grew up up in mechanicsburg pennsylvania you don't have that right you have one town with a pretty uniform thing maybe you have a few rich people or not but long island you have this strata of wealth that you can look at and you basically go i want to do anything to get a jet ski i don't care what it is i don't care who i have to kill i don't care what i have to do to just grab a jet. So that's what it's a lot. It's a lot of people. So people turn to crime a little bit to get ahead.

Yeah. Well, they turn to trying to figure a way around the system, a way around school. That's why I went into mortgages and failed because I wasn't good at it. Right. But the thinking was, fuck school.

Right. I'm going to go around the system and get a range rover my way right right right you know and that's everybody i think in long island there's a little bit of that i want to go around the system and try to get what's coming to me that explains it that's a great that really explains it because in long island you have a you have steroids yeah a lot of steroids you can buy in long island a lot of pills can be bought in Long Island. Did you hear about those two nurses who were making the fake fax cards?

I think they made $900,000 which also meant that there was a huge market for people who wanted fax cards. Oh, massive. So people are always looking to find a way around it. You'll see like a doctor but he also has a pizza shop. Do you think that, Jared?

Do you agree with that a little bit as a guy that grew up there? Yeah. Yeah, there's always a way around it. Because I think the foundation of being successful in Long Island is what you see your parents do. And that's like a lot of union jobs and stuff like that. So the pinnacle is like, I need to cut that. Because I got a lot of friends now that got union jobs.

They think they're successful. Right. But my friend Mike, he wakes up, watches the water department, puts on a Carhartt. Motherfucker thinks he's Warren Buffett. Right. Right. Right. So it's like when you cut to the top where he's like, I got it.

I don't got to work for it because I see my parents doing that every day. So it's like by any means necessary. It's right. By any means necessary. What's the racial thing going on over there? Is it like across the tracks? How does it work in Long Island? Long Island has a very ugly history of blockbusting, of redlining i mean moses making the bridges yeah i mean robert moses like i mean

we're just it's an ugly history there's racism big racism there oh i would say it's probably up there with like i'm talking about it's probably top five in america most racist play you feel it i mean you feel you would know better than me, but like, it's legit. It's like, it doesn't take a backseat to anyone in terms of racism.

It's a racist place. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You would talk to me like, oh, you're from Long Island because we went to a restaurant

and the service was slow. He was like, oh yeah, you're from Long Island. You have a laid back culture. I'm like, no dude, I pay attention to that

because I'm black. And if you're not coming to my table, I think it's because of the color of my skin. That's right. You know? Right. So I always got to have that in the back of my to that because I'm black. And if they're not coming to my table, I think it's because of the color of my skin. That's right. So I always got to have that in the back of my head. Right, right. Yeah. So is there like another side of the tracks?

Is it by neighborhood? How does it work? I think it's by neighborhood. What they did was real estate agents were intimidated when they would go show a black family a home. They were threatened. There was horrible harassment that like black families would experience. And there were also like, you know, a lot of the GI Bill loans that were available to white families were not available to black families. So they couldn't have the same access to credit, to funding, to buy houses and to get,

you know, that type of foothold in those communities. So, you know. Jared's brother and father are cops. Yeah. Do they ever go a little extra hard? Do your parents ever go a little, do they go a little extra hard? Like if they pulled me or Tim over,

they're like, you know what? This is Long Island. They make us walk the line. You guys been drinking? Nah, nah, nah. Sober for 15 years, but they still make you do it? Nah.

I would if I was black. I would do, I would have a was black. I would do it. I would have a little fun. Because, you know, it seems like it's always white cops. I have black friends that say black cops are more racist sometimes than white cops. Because they feel they have to be. To blacks? Yes.

Really? Like, sometimes that's what I've heard. Again, I have no experience with it. From black friends, somebody said sometimes a black cop will be more of a dick sometimes. To prove yourself sometimes to prove yourself it's like being a female pilot that's right yeah

yeah I mean I've had some dick cops I mean I I look at Long Island I go I drove around for years

high drunk through really wealthy neighborhoods no black kid could have done that without at least feeling like they were vulnerable. We never felt like that.

We used to just get high, pile into cars and go look at Christmas lights. I mean, we drive in driveways of $20 million mansions. You do that now. Yeah, do it now. It's part of what, the thing about being a white guy, you can't be on HBO anymore. That's fine. You can drive around anywhere in the country that you want and look at the pretty houses. And that's what we did.

There's no way a black kid could have went, you know what? How about this? Let's all pile in the house. Let's pile in the car. Let's get high. Let's go see the estates. You can't. There's no way.

So anybody that's like white privilege is a myth. It's like, not really. Get a joint. Get my car. I'll show you it's not a myth. It's like, not really. Get a joint. Get my car. I'll show you it's not a myth. It's scary rolling through white neighborhoods, dog. Yeah. I'm rolling through windows bumping Beethoven.

No, it's true. Yeah, it's true. We've talked about it. And I bump rap. Yeah. And he does bump rap. Yeah, I just blast rap music with these glasses. We were talking about it because Jared works for Amazon.

And we were talking about like when he rolls. Yeah, you roll you better when you're black and you're an Amazon Delivery guy in Long Island you better have Amazon everywhere tattooed on your Forehead be playing like Journey out of the car or Neil Diamond Or something just something Very very friendly The thing about the Long Island racist is it's not

Even like educated racist They didn't read much Like there's racists now that have like done their work. Right. They're like really in it. Yeah. Long Island, it's just a fear-driven culture. Just get out of here.

So they're racist against. I want you out of here. It's Jews, Persians, black people, Hispanic people, different kinds of white people. Like there are people on the North Shore that hate Irish people. Like, it's just fear and hatred. Right. A lot of fear.

A lot of fear. This is what I love about Tim. Yeah. This is what I love about Tim. And I didn't know it was, that's a Long Island thing. Yeah. A lot of you is Long Island. Oh, for sure.

Long Island made you. A hundred percent. So what Tim will do is, whenever me and Tim are hanging out, whether it be in LA, Austin, wherever we go, he loves to just, he's like, let's go see the States. Yeah. And he used to drive, can I say the car you were driving? Yeah. He had Cameron's car.

Yeah. When he picked me up at the airport, I thought Cameron, the rapper, was picking me up. I had a Range Rover, red seats, TVs. Fuck, TVs in the back, red leather. What do you call it? Bleeding on the interior? Yeah, bloody interior. Bloody interior.

Yeah. And then we just go and he's like, you want to see Sandra Bullock's house? And then we pull into Sandra Bullock's house. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know if you could be doing that. He goes, you can do it. We can do it. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, what was she going to do? Yeah, he's like, they got the cameras. Big deal. We're fucking driving. I mean, she pulls me over and I appreciate the home and what you've done. Yeah. I'm a fan. Yeah. I'm a fan. Yeah.

We pull into all these driveways where you know you're not really allowed to go. I've just always been curious about how people live. I'm always curious about how people live. So what's this energy thing? Because you're saying like you've always been curious. You were a guy. I remember like your Patreon started cooking a little bit. Yeah.

Even before it got big, you were a guy who was like you like to live and that's what I like to live So the energy thing is just you gotta have fun with no matter how much money you have Yeah, you gotta have fun. You can't be panicked. Yeah, my parents come from this horrible boomer scarcity mentality where they take food home from restaurants, they'll scoop like Mashed potatoes into a coffee cup and bring it into the car it's so demoralizing because what are you afraid of yeah there's gonna be more potatoes like but this fear of like nope the mac and cheese bring it home like this poverty mentality scarcity mentality that a lot of people have where they like hold on every dollar i've never done that i'd rather work harder yeah and spend more money i like giving shit to people yeah i like

taking people out i like having fun i'd rather do that and work harder yeah than die with a bunch of money in the back yeah what does that do you're here for a couple decades you gotta have a good time yeah if you're making money have fun with it and I think that part of that. And you do. I do. Yeah, we have fun. Part of the energy, I think, is that if you put that out into the world, a lot of times good things will happen. Not always, but a lot of times, like, if you put that energy out there. Like, I have a nice apartment in Los Angeles. People go, well, why do you have a nice apartment?

You don't really use it. You're on the road a lot. I go, yeah, but why? But if I have people over, why do I want to live in a dump right i can have it right i've lived in a dump i'm 37. i lived in a dump the majority of my life yeah all of the good years yeah all of the really good years were in a dump yeah i've got a few years left why not have them somewhere nice you mean truly like you know what do you get 67 at that point the game's over yeah we're we're in the 40s i'm i'm almost i'm 37 like you start saying

to yourself years you have left are you spent a lot of time getting here yeah you might as well have fun there's i lived and you know where i live yeah you know who my lived with you know the situation i was in yeah and they were you know not were you know what you'd call nice yeah i've had bed bugs multiple times i've had leaks i'd wake up because the leak got me you know wake up to water from the you know yeah yeah yeah you know no but yeah like i was saying you were a guy who when you got just a little bit you would spend it to go stay at a fancy hotel yeah every now and then i would take a break and just go do a nice night yeah in a hotel to just know what it felt like right and i was just like oh cool okay and then i would go back to horror for six months now you were were you doing that to feel the energy of what it's like to be able to afford

that spot i think i was doing it to go or just have you know what we we we kind of like we look at um we've undervalued um i think in our society we've we've undervalued it no truly yeah like authentically i feel like i just showed up to an iran club here's the deal here's the deal we've we've put a ton of value yeah in in in in in wrapping your selfishness in these altruistic things. The Ukraine, it's about you. It's not about the Ukraine. It's about you. You didn't know what the Ukraine was three weeks ago. People, being selfish is our nature.

It doesn't mean we should only be selfish. But if we ignore that part of us, I want a nice thing. I want to experience a nice thing. If you ignore that, and then what you do is your that'll never go away so you just start to wrap it up in other things where you are just you know half of the people that you see online being

whatever you want to call it virtuous or whatever they're doing it for likes for attention for clout, because they want a thing, and that thing is attention. Right. But they've wrapped it, and they're packaging it in this idea that they care about whatever the issue of the day is. Selfish people don't do as much harm as altruistic people. That's right.

Either. The ones that scare me are the ones that are going like, do you want paradise? Yeah, the ones that say like, hey, I've got the answers. I've got the answers. If you listen to me and my friends, everything will work out. You just got to listen to us. If not, we're going to have to shut down all your accounts and shut you up for a while until you come and do whatever type of mea culpa you have to do and self-flagellate and do whatever.

Yeah, by definition, a selfish person doesn't really harm you because they're not thinking about you. They're thinking about them. So the only harm they really do is only to themselves eventually. Yeah, I think people should want things. They should not be embarrassed about wanting things. They should not hurt other people to get those things. They shouldn't, although some do. They should not be corrupt, evil people to get those things.

Unless there's a really good way. Unless those things are really nice. And unless the method is. If the things are really nice, then it's a sliding scale. But yeah, but I would go stay in a hotel every now and then because I go, I want to feel what this feels like because it's a good feeling. It's a good feeling. And if you don't think it's a good feeling to be in a nice place that costs a lot of

money to be there, you're crazy. Yeah. If you don't think flying across the coast to the west coast in delta on the bed feels that feels better it feels good doesn't mean it's the greatest thing in the world but it's better than coach it's better you ever see that share thing she did where she goes i've been old and young young is better i've been rich and poor rich is better i've been in love and single in love's bet like she just does this very honest breakdown of like i've been this and that i've been famous

i've been not famous famous but like she's just honest about it now when are you gonna write because you told me you were gonna write your next thing you're gonna write is tim dylan's key to success the tim dylan secret or something like that, where you tell people the mentality. Because that book would be fucking hilarious. I would buy that immediately if you wrote a book. I was writing a book. Tim Dillon Secret.

I was in the process of writing a book like that. And it was called Cancel Your Family where I all these people want to cancel but the way to success really truly is to get away from Everyone that you know and everyone unless they're successful right, but the way to be really successful is to pretend You're an orphan and and get away from every person you've ever met and all history that you have Remake and reinvent yourself right as a completely different person but not a lot of people want to do that right a lot of it's painful that takes a lot of imagination a lot of what other people would consider phoniness but really it's creativity well really it's it's it's you either look around at the area that you grew up

and the people you grew up with and want to be there or not. Right. It's simple. You either want to be there or not. So your goal in life is to replicate that life or to have nothing to do with it. Right. That's one of the two lives. Right.

That's one of the two goals, to either replicate that life or to have another life. It's simple like that. It's simple. It's simple. There's people that grow up and go. Not that you have to hate your parents or your parents are probably lovely but like my parents but that helps my parents fought about money they live paycheck to paycheck they did not do things they loved they had jobs they did not like they were long island miserable boomers um that's what they were

and i didn't want to be that right so i said I'll risk being broke to come out on the other end not living that life. Right. Which is, to me, was a miserable life. To do a job you hate and live in this part of Long Island and not love anything about what you're doing. Hate is an underestimated motivator, isn't it? Oh, it's great. Yeah. It is.

Because you hated it so much you would risk poverty to get away from it here's it was even worse than hating it it was boring right you hate boring boring is worse than hating right hating actually fills you with something it animates you you can kind of live somewhere you hate and make the most of it yeah Yeah. You get bored. When I hated Austin, I could live there. Right. The minute I started to get bored with my own hatred of it, I had to leave. Truly. Because I got bored.

It was fun to hate it for a while. I hate them. I drive around. They suck. That restaurant's horrible. Come on, I'm going to show you how bad it is. Right. And then eventually i got

to a point where i'm like i gotta go i'm bored by my own hate hate is not the worst thing because there's passion there yeah people say be passionate if you hate you have passion and it's not the opposite of love the opposite of love is apathy yeah boredom boredom boredom indifference yeah that's the opposite so that's the thing about it where I got, I looked around at my upbringing in Long Island, which I loved. As a kid, I loved growing up in Long Island. I hated the idea of remaining in Long Island and living in Long Island. I loved the idea of growing up there.

It was a great place to grow up. Right. To have all those formative experiences, it was a cool spot. Now, let's say you went, you started comedy. Yeah. Didn't work out. Yeah. Okay.

Let's say it didn't work out. Who is the Tim Dillon? Oh, I mean, it's a good question. Yeah. Where does Tim, what do you do now? What's it? Sales, not great. Not a lot of money.

Half a million a year in sales. Yeah. Because I don't really love it. Yeah. And maybe on a few.'m gonna go back to the island what do you do in the city florida florida florida why florida florida's free money free money it's free money yeah florida is the area where uh the wild must go yeah you know so i think i'd probably go to florida flor Florida is the place you go after a divorce or if-

A lot of the mortgage guys I used to work with are down in Florida. They're in Florida. Yeah, Florida's where you go. Florida's where you go though it's the end. Right. You got to be very careful. I almost bought something in Miami and then I didn't. But I decided, I went, I don't want to do it because Florida is the end.

Interesting. Why? You don't come back from Florida ever mentally. You can never live in Florida and then come back. You've mentally never came back from florida i was there a year you're you're you're never mentally back from florida i'm still there it's a disease it's cancer it's in remission it's in remission but it'll never fully leave you interesting it's a very powerful state vietnam it is very it is vietnam and when you live there you actually start to it you start to look very florida yeah your thoughts your ideas everything starts happening yeah it just something about

every now and then you sit down and you don't even know how it happened but tucker causton's on the screen you know why you lived in florida for a year right right it's just gonna happen right you could look at your tweets and somebody go, that guy's lived in Florida. There's no diagnosis. It's diagnosable. Like, oh, were you in a... Like a doctor could look at you and go, okay, did you have a bad fall? Somebody could look at your tweets and go,

that man's lived in Florida. Because Florida's freedom. And you're free. You're free and that's a little bit of a problem. But that freedom comes from you left New York. You're like, fuck it. Yeah. I'm going to live in Miami.

I'm free. And that never leaves you. Yeah, it's true. And Florida's an interesting place. I always felt like the Northeast is like America's brain. Yeah. Then Florida's like America's penis. Okay.

And then Texas is America's balls. Yeah. And then like Texas is America's balls. Yeah. And then like the Midwest is their stomach. And then the West Coast is the mental illness. No. No?

What do you think? I think that again, you're making the West Coast too interesting. No, really. Like in that analogy, you're giving the West Coast

way too much. I just think of Hollywood. I think of Whitney Cummins. I think of mental illness. It's boring. But it's all boring. That's what you're missing. It's actually all just boring.

It's America's ass. It's not even that. It's just America's. It's a pretty face. Right. The West Coast is a pretty face, a nice bone structure. So it's America's vanity. Yeah, it's nice hair.

But that's not boring. Hotness is not boring. It is after a while. After a little while. It is after you come. Yeah, but if you can come multiple times. Yeah, but then you gotta stop coming eventually and then it's boring again.

Yeah. My point is that in that scenario, I think you give the West Coast too much credit. I mean, I'd love some schizophrenia in LA. There isn't any. What there is is a lot of people pretending to be schizophrenic because they think it's a good brand right it's a real difference right my

mother's a genuine schizophrenic she's not in HBO Chris Gathard so here's the thing the reality is don't edit that out I'll sue you but the whole thing is she's legitimately ill right there's no glamour to mental illness my mother was was never like, let's build a career out of having pretend mental illness. She's literally in trouble. Right, right, right. So that's why I'm very sensitive to people who have appropriated mental illness

as their plan. Yeah, because there's nothing really fun about it. No. No, there's nothing marketable about it. There's very little marketable About genuine mental illness Truly And I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about it Or express it in your art or whatever

But when I see people's Twitter handles Like I'm anxiety man I just think it's a little Crass It's a little crass Yeah You should have to at least be on a medication to be mentally well the way i i think of it you shouldn't diagnose yourself off instagram right guys

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So thank you, Cerebral, and I hope you guys go sign up. Cerebral.com slash fumes. It needs to come from a psychiatrist. Yeah, just having a mother who's genuinely schizophrenic. When did that start? How did you guys start to know that she was schizophrenic? She was talking about people following her when I was in eighth grade. Okay.

So she was thinking that people were following her she thought that her life was this grand story where one of her uncles was maybe famous and like nobody knew where there was like she started to involve or now that america's caught up with her where she could run for congress now she's completely she's now everything she says is completely something that would have been said. People are going like, wait a second. Patty makes a lot of sense. But she started having paranoid ideations when I was in eighth grade. You know, it's interesting.

My best friend growing up right now, he's going through some unfortunate times, but his mom, when we were little, said that she was Cleopatra reincarnated, and he was Mark Antony. That's his sign. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we call a red flag. Yeah.

And then she would show me a secret language that she said she could write. Do you know what I'm talking about? I remember that. Yeah. And then I would say, can I see it? And she would do it, and it was just scribble. But she's living an interesting life in that reality. Like your mom,

if people are following her, why don't we just let those people live those, she thinks she's, your mom thinks she's 007. I mean, that's a funner life than anything. The problem is that it's progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse. It gets worse.

Right. Now, I don't know if it's gotten worse for that woman. I don't know. She passed away, but I mean. Right. She also has substances. What happens if it's gotten worse for that woman I don't know She passed away but I mean What happens is It gets progressively worse They become afraid of you

They start having Problems like you're the issue She was pretty functioning towards the end Sure And it was weird because otherwise she was pretty normal And then she would say oh yeah I'm Cleopatra reincarnated And that would Yeah my mother would say, oh, yeah, I'm Cleopatra reincarnated. And that would. Yeah.

My mother would say things like maybe I think Elvis was my biological father, you know, and she'd go. If you look at where my mother was on a trip and where Elvis's tour was, they were together. You know, my grandmother was like, thank you for, you know, you're implying that I'm fucked Elvis and didn't tell anyone. But again, this is the that's real mental illness. Yeah. I didn't tell anyone. But again, that's real mental illness. Yeah.

Nobody at Peacock is trying to get my mother to do a show. Right. There may be something to that. So you're saying that Naomi Osaka or the gymnast having a little twist. Well, here's the deal. I have a joke about it in my act of gymnast. But if you don't want to do your thing, fine. It's dangerous if you don't want to you don't want to do your i have a joke about it in my active gymnast but if you don't want to do your thing fine what am i yeah it's dangerous you don't want to do it is it funny that you dropped out of the olympics absolutely am i going to make fun of it yes i'm making fun of it because people are like that's what a real i mean it's like i'm gonna make fun of it osaka just didn't want to do interviews right that's

stupid right that has nothing to do a mental illness in my estimation just cancel the tournament if you're mentally ill you don't do the tournament right you don't pick and choose you know right yeah she didn't want to do interviews unless they were interviews of her and her bikini that she could post on her instagram yeah whatever it was i just athletes also are dumb by their nature they They're not intelligent people. They're not supposed to be. Right. They're becoming mentally ill

because we're telling them they're supposed to be fully sentient human beings. They're actually not. They're supposed to throw balls and hoops, do flips, jump around.

They're not supposed to be intelligent. Right. It's absolutely true. You're a big sports fan. Well, no, but,

but, whether I am or not, the vast majority of athletes are not intelligent. Right. It's absolutely true. Football players are actually... No. You got to learn a lot of plays.

What? Yes. What are you talking about? Listen, it's physical and your intelligence is all to make your body do certain things. Have you ever sat down with Terrell Owens and talked about geopolitical issues? The guy's, he's selling a candle right now. Yeah.

Here's what I'm saying. It's athletics. Why are we making it just be an athlete? Right. Be an athlete. Right. So what did you think

about that whole thing? You think they were being dramatic a little bit? Actors are not smart. Right. Is this new? No, they're not. Is this new?

Right. I'm sorry. Am I bursting anyone's bubble here? Wait. Smart people are ignored in our society as they should be. Is this new? Right. I'm sorry. Am I bursting anyone's bubble here? Wait. Smart people are ignored in our society as they should be. They're locked in rooms. They're fucking their students. They're trying to.

They're grotesque, ugly for the most part, nerdy people that are ignored and put away. Athletes, actors, people like that, they're not leading with their brain. That's not what they're doing. Do you think actors are smarter or more virtuous? Which is a more salient? Good actors don't exist. Here's what I mean. I know some actors that are pretty decent actors. They're not.

They don't exist. You sit down with them at lunch. They are not there. They try on three personalities in the span of the lunch. They don't know right there you sit down with them at lunch they are not there they try on three personalities in the span of the lunch yeah they don't know who they are and there isn't a them for them to be which is why they're so damn good at act robert de niro doesn't exist right he's not real he's not a real it's not a real thing so he he goes into these things and he's brilliant at what he does but you would have dinner with him and go that sucked why because it's not real

right it's not a real person yeah so so what you're saying is when they tweet virtue and stuff like that

that's not real is that an act that's a personality they're trying on today right today they're political guy right

I'm political guy today yeah you better watch out Putin and then tomorrow they'll be like I'm party guy yeah I'm party guy and then there I'm died care about trans people guy and then they're just I'm hot guy you see that you ever see that transition from I care about trans people in the Ukraine to, ah, it's my cock. So they go from one to one. They just keep, it keeps it fun.

Because ultimately the motivation, are you saying ultimately the motivation is for attention for them? So whatever they're trying on. The only thing. Right. The only thing. Like, how did they get to where they are? Did all the actors who tweet all the virtual stuff, did they get to where they are by walking in rooms talking about how

they needed to change the culture for the better? No, no, no. They got there by having a severe addiction to self. And an untreatable

addiction to their selves. Yeah. Which is how they got good. We got good at comedy by doing comedy three or four times a night. Right. I didn't, were we ever at the Bowery Mission? Right. No, we were at which is how they got good. We got good at comedy by doing comedy three or four times a night. I didn't,

were we ever at the Bowery Mission? Right. No, we were at the Bowery doing spots. Right. Nobody was at the Bowery Mission scooping baked beans into a cup. Now why, now people can lie

and then go, well we should have been. Fair point, maybe. But we weren't. Right. Why has it become that nobody wants to admit Right. Why has it become that nobody wants to admit that? Why has it become that everyone is so scared,

as you said at the outset of this, to say, I care about me? What's so wrong about that? Because the social capital doesn't reside with that. The social capital resides with people who pretend to care for others. And all they care about is social capital. So it would be like one bank closing down and the other bank opening and going, well, why doesn't anyone go to that bank anymore? Everybody loved it. In fact, that bank's the one that made everybody rich. You go, well,

that bank closed down. We got a new bank. And then eventually that bank will close down and they'll open another bank. Then everybody will go there. It's just basically what you have to do. Here's a good tip for people if you're trying to question whether somebody's really good or not. The best people usually don't really talk about it that much. They just do. They just do good things. They're not making sure you know about all the things that they're doing all the time. Whenever anyone's doing that, that usually is-

It's never been easier. For them. It's never been easier to be a good person. You just gotta tweet. It's never been easier. Just send out a tweet. Send out a tweet. Put out an Instagram.

Use your platform for good. It's never been easier to be a good person. Yeah. It's never been easier to be a good person. It's never been easier to be a bad person. You did the wrong thing. We found a tweet, found the thing. We can cast you aside and say you are a bad person because of something we didn't like. So it's never been easier to be good. It's never been easier to be bad. We can just write you off or we can make you a king. But the thing about Leonardo

DiCaprio cares about the environment. He goes so far as to when he travels, he travels only on foot and by horse and things like that. So how can people be more like Leo? We all care about the environment. This idea that people hate the environment. Have you ever seen anyone hate the environment? No one doesn't care care about the environment here's what people can't do they can't pay nine dollars for a gallon of gas because their lives will be destroyed unless you're steven cobert and it's yeah no sweat off your back so people people it's always like this this binary between people who care about the environment or people who don't no it's how much can you personally sacrifice at any given time for anything? You know what I mean? That's really what it comes down to.

Yeah. And batteries are not like this. Like the Ukraine, everybody goes, we could do a no-fly zone. I go, no, no, no. Are you mentally ill? Do you know what a no-fly zone is? A NATO no-fly zone? That'll bring us into direct conflict with Russia, a nuclear power, because we would have to enforce the no-fly zone. Well, how do we enforce it? Shooting down Russian aircraft. Well, what do you think happens? Right.

And by the way, I think these sanctions are crazy too, because we're making a guy desperate. You don't want your enemy broke. We're putting him in a corner. We're putting Putin in a place where he's going to go, all right, so we ain't got nothing. The economy's exploded. So guess what? Let's really hit the Ukraine.

I have to say I kind of agree with Hillary on this. What did she say? Hillary just was sending out this sort of, this message when she was talking on one of those Sunday shows, Meet the Press or whatever. Yeah.

She was like, I'm hoping the people around him, I'm hoping the people around him see how dangerous what he's doing. But it's stupid too. How do you deal with a guy like this?

You ignore it! Turn off the TV! No one cared about the fucking Ukraine. They only care because they're white. That is a fact. That's literally the truth.

And I know you may disagree with that, but did you give a shit about Yemen? Did you care about the brown kids in Yemen? You don't. You care about them because you could imagine them coming to dinner at your house. That's really why you care. You ignore it.

Turn the fucking TV off. That's how you deal with it. Turn it off. This one has a little bit more nuclear war implications than the other. Yeah. If we keep fucking with him. Yeah. Stop fucking with him.

Yeah. Let him do what he wants. Sorry. God sucks. You don't think he's going to keep going though and keep going? And let him. Let him go. What do you do?

Yeah. What, who, are you going to go to nuclear war for Estonia? No. You're going to go to a nuclear war for Latvia? No. Who, what of those countries do you want to see your family incinerated for? Let me know. I just can't even believe.

He ain't coming here. He ain't coming to Vermont. No. I can't believe. If another power did what we did to him, which was create an alliance, if Putin created an alliance with Mexico and put missiles in Mexico, we would flip the fuck out. Yeah. So the reality is, yes, he shouldn't keep going.

He's a psychopath. He's a madman. The people that are cheering him on are insane. The people that think he's some force for good in the world are insane. But real politic, be rational. Here's the reality. I want a summer. And we need cheap gas.

So does Joe Behar needs a summer. We need a summer. That's what we need cheap gas so does joe joe bayhard needs a summer like we need a sub that's what we need so let's cut the shit let's stop pretending that we give a fuck we don't joe stop pretending yeah i mean do you applaud what she said because she was just like hey man is this gonna affect my summer it's like she has no self-awareness but it was hilarious yeah but here's the reality what are we prepared to do what are we going to do what are we really going to do they have what a hundred nuclear warheads what are we going to do

what do you want to do I'm good I think what he's doing is bad I think what Saudi Arabia is doing in Yemen is bad I think what Israel's done in the left bank is really bad

I don't think that's good I don't think how Palestinians live is good I don't mind what they did in the left bank well whatever it was the west bank whatever it is I don't think that's good. I don't think that Palestinians live as good. I don't mind what they did in the left bank. Well, whatever it was. The West Bank is different. The West Bank, whatever it is.

I don't know. Left bank is what, Paris? I just wanted to point out how much you cared about it. But this is my whole point is this. Let's stop pretending that this is a thing. But what about Sean Penn? He's there, boots on the ground. That's our chance.

That's our shot. That's our shot. He's there. Yeah. So is on the ground. That's our chance. That's our shot. That's our shot. He's there. Yeah. So is Brittany Grenier. She's in Russia. Can we get them to talk to Putin? We might have to.

Yeah. We might have to. I feel bad what's going on. I had a Ukrainian comedian on. This shit sucks. I feel bad. I donated $5,000 in Bitcoin to the Ukrainians. What do you want me to do?

Good luck. Yeah, yeah. Good luck. What do you want me to do? Good luck. Yeah, yeah. Good luck. What do you want me to do? They could buy some weapons with that, right? Are there some Web3 weapons companies that would accept Bitcoin right now? I hope.

Lockheed Martin has to have a wing for the future for Web3. I hope that they 3D print some ghost guns. But I also think, and let me say something very controversial right now because I want you to get views. Ukraine peaked too early. But I also think, and let me say something very controversial right now. Yeah. Because I want you to get views. Ukraine peaked too early.

Ukraine peaked too early. Yeah. They peaked too early. Good narratives, you have to pay attention to narratives. They peaked very early, and everybody's like, Russia's getting bogged down.

Russia's done. Russia's not going to be able to do it. Now, all of us, all of us, whether we admit it or not not we're all rooting a little bit for Russia because Ukraine just got it got too much of a pop early on

and that's not the way the movie like to Zelensky and look at this and we're in the beginning we're like yeah Ukraine Ukraine but we're like but that didn't build didn't build it was just too quick to shift so now we're sitting back and we're looking at Putin, and he's isolated. And Pizza Hut won't do business there anymore. And we feel a little bad for him.

We feel a little bit for him. Yes, he's killing babies. Blue, blue, blue. But we look at him, and we feel, because he's got a little kind of a duck face. And he's sitting there, and he's very. And we're saying to ourselves, you know, we just, I mean. I can relate to that guy. I've been down.

Yes. I've been down. You've been down. I've been down. I've been shunned. I don't want them to be humiliated. Right. I don't want Russia to be humiliated.

Can I say that? Can I say that I don't think it's good for anyone if Russia is humiliated? The Soviet anthem is the most beautiful piece of music that has ever been. I want this on a compilation of pro-Russia people so he can get views. I mean, who hasn't felt shut out? Who hasn't felt ostracized? I go to the gym and sometimes it's hard and I'm like, this is what Russia feels like right now. They didn't anticipate the amount of resistance.

And to me, it would be easy for me to just go, yes, I agree in principle with the Ukraine because I do. I agree in principle with self-determination, democracy. But let's also get to a deeper level, more guttural, more animalistic, dare say more reptilian. I feel slightly for Russia now because the Ukraine, they've been jamming it down our throat so much. The cock is so down your throat. Solitsky's a hero. Okay. I didn't know who he was a week ago.

He's God. And you go, he's out on the front lines. You go, well, no, he's not. He's the president. Why is he on the front lines? Who would want him on the front lines? Well, they're all pictures. I always say that.

They go, yeah, he's all pictures. So it's been so much that it's causing this weird little backlash now where I feel myself. Right. Identifying with Putin. Identifying with Putin. Putin, he's like the new kid at school. Yeah, yeah.

And I just feel like he's... Zelensky, I mean, yeah. If he's on the front lines, he's bringing his barber with him. Anytime Hollywood... Because he's got a fresh shape up every week. Anytime Hollywood... Hollywood has just become a cringe fest. Anytime they fully get involved, I just...

You know, it's just a knee jerk, but everybody starts going, this is cringe. Right, right. This is cringe. I mean, listen, what BIPOC person out there hasn't felt shut out, shunned by Hollywood,

opportunity taken away. That's what they're doing to Putin right now. They're taking, they just took away McDonald's from his country. I just feel like he, I don't,

I'm looking at him and I'm looking at them and I'm going again I didn't think about any of this until two weeks ago so bear with me my opinions are fluid like my gender I sometimes I feel very strongly about the Ukraine like I wake up and sometimes I go I think the Ukraine should win but then sometimes by lunch I go I don't think so anymore I think Putin should kill all of them right and then by lunch I go, I don't think so anymore. I think Putin should kill all of them. And then by dinner I go, maybe we should do a deal. But I just float. I'm very fluid. And I think that's the approach here. It's not to commit.

It's really just kind of fluid. You're not gender fluid. You're more war fluid. Yeah, I'm more fluid because I think that the U.S. ruling class is like, let's just make it Syria for 10 years. We'll give you a bunch of weapons. Just fight it out. Ray Theon will make a bazillion dollars.

Is the ideal profession for you if it wasn't comedian double agent? No, because it's too hard. It's too hard. Wouldn't that be fun though to kind of it's not because you can't tell anyone you're a double agent that's the part that I couldn't do why do all of that and then not be able to

there's that old expression because everyone just thinks you're a loser you're a bookkeeper you're cleaning up the shop but you're really an assassin it's a specific kind of person that can do that I can't do that there's that old expression what's the point of the perfect crime if nobody knows you created it that's a specific kind of person that can do that. I can't do that. Yeah, there's that old expression, what's the point of the perfect crime if nobody knows you committed it?

That's a great point. Yeah, that's tough. It's hard. You get no recognition because if you get away with it, you get no recognition. That's right. Is that ultimately why people self-destruct

is because they want that recognition for whatever heist they pulled off, like whether it be conscious or unconscious. I think perhaps. Like every serial killer, if he just didn't write a dumb note to the cops, maybe he'd get away with it, but then nobody would know it was him,

and that's the whole point. He's doing it in the first place. Did you see the Batman? I did see the Batman. It's great. It's really good. It's really good. Pulled down, it was great.

Yeah. There's the Riddler. And you know at the end, he's like, you know, he wants he's you know he's like you know he wants recognition right he's like i want because you up until he does this stuff at the end i won't do spoilers but like you kind of agree with him you're like oh he's kind of doing taking out some corrupt people and then at the end you're like oh this is bad right can't do this yeah right um but at the end you know he wants the recognition he He wants the Batman to appreciate what he's done.

It's really funny because none of us matter in the grand scheme, but we all desperately want to matter for a little amount of time. Well, we're the only human beings that know that life is finite. I'm sorry, we're the only life forms that know it's ending. Bunnies don't know. The car just goes. If they did know, they'd be a little bit more theatrical. Who knows what they'd do.

But we're the only people that really have a grasp of it. I mean, elephants kind of know. Smarter animals might have a little clue. That's why they're dramatic. Yeah. But with us, people want to make their mark. Right. Everyone wants to make their mark, even has to make their mark even though it ultimately

gets erased yeah and and right now we just live in a world where truth has been murdered it's been like completely destroyed and uh we're living in an era where people are manifesting their own realities and we're all just manifesting our own realities and it and that's why we have this digital realm that will allow us to do that and that's why it's going to get more and more dystopian because nobody's going to come back together again because we don't have to we're going to just further splinter into other realities where like your reality my reality might have nothing to do with jared's reality or jesse's reality and or reality might have nothing to do with Jared's reality or Jesse's reality or whoever, using examples. Everybody's reality is going to be completely different.

Somebody's living in a reality right now where Trump is still the president. And that's their reality. It's true to them. Right. They believe that he should be in there. True to them. He's still the president. No, not even that he should be, that he is.

That he is. It's a secret thing that he's calling the shots. Well, that he should be That he is That he is That he's It's a secret thing That he's calling the shots Well that's a fun reality It's great There are people that believe Sandy Hook didn't happen There's people that believe

Everybody has a reality They choose to live in Now you donated some money To the Ukraine 5,000 5,000 Bitcoin Yeah So your donation

Was Web3 Yes Is there any way To broker a deal Between Putin and Zelensky? You got to give Putin Donbass. You got to give him Donbass. You got to give him the other one.

You got to give him those two things he wants. Donbass and Donbass. Donbass and whatever. Donbass and Donbass. Whatever it is. Crimea. He has Crimea ready. He's got that.

Give him that. Yeah, that's where the oil is. And then say you won't join NATO. You won't join the EU You're not gonna join any blocs What if we say fellas Enough of this Real world fighting

Let's take it to the future Let's take this war To web three Well this is what Putin is seeing Put your googles on And let's get in the metaverse Putin is seeing He's getting a little bogged down

Because he didn't have A content strategy What he should have done It's true It's true Because I mean Look at Ukraine Zelensky's true because look I mean look at Ukraine Zelensky's out there like I'm God yeah and the West is eating it up right uh Putin did not have

a strategy right he didn't have unboxing videos he didn't have tick tocks he didn't have any strategy on YouTube he didn't have any real good PR strategy I I mean, literally, they are losing the information war, and they could be winning the information war or at least making headway, but they're not doing anything. How do we get Putin on Rogan to tell his side of the story? I've called Joe personally and said, please have him on. Yeah, to tell his side. I want to sit next to him like when I did Alex Jones.

I want to sit next to Putin, and then Putin will just I want to sit next to Putin and then Putin will just turn around and poke me every now and then and I'll go and Putin will go there is the mainstream narrative out there but I'd love to hear from the other side well it's a war so Putin's got the narrative you go yeah yeah yeah

you put missiles here I told you they're not joining NATO yeah am I a psychopath yeah but this is what it is and you you they're not joining NATO. Yeah, am I a psychopath? Yeah, but this is what it is. And, you know, they're just, it's not going to happen. Yeah. And listen, you can agree or disagree with it. It doesn't really matter. It's a war, right?

I don't agree that he invaded a country, but I'm saying that's what he feels. Right. That's his thing. Right. He feels like the Ukraine's always been theirs. Right. It's never really been apart from them.

And he goes, this is the way I feel. I feel that the 2014 thing where Yanukovych was thrown out was the CIA, Baku. Zelensky's a puppet of America. It is what it is. Now, a lot of people in Ukraine want Western shit. They want to be Western. That's what they want. Yeah.

That's what they want. And some of them don't. Like, maybe Dunbar, some of the old hardliners don't. But Putin's whole deal is like, listen, I don't want that. I don't want. I of them don't. Like maybe Dunbar, some of the old hardliners don't. But Putin's whole deal is like, listen, I don't want that. I don't want. I'm not into that. I don't care what you want. The Ukraine needs to recognize it's not really about what they want.

They are more of a buffer between two powers that want separate things. Separate things. And nobody cares about what you want. They get a little weird in the Ukraine. They don't love the blacks. They do with the little CK a little too much. Also very corrupt. It's been very corrupt.

Yeah, it's... What do you think? This is Vermont. Let's cut it out here. Let's cut it out. So Putin needs to have a content strategy, digital strategy, some more NFTs. Yeah, do you think if he released the war in clips as opposed to... Yes, because no one watches The Hour.

I agree. Nobody watches The Hour. I think the war has to be released in clips. The bombing has to be released in clips on Instagram. And his perspective... Andrew Schultz should just go over and tell Putin how to do it. Just do it. You should sit down with him and break down why he's failing.

He should, yeah. And he's obviously going with the strategy of Nazis everywhere. We're going to denazify Ukraine. And we obviously going with the strategy of Nazis everywhere. We're going to denazify Ukraine. And we're going with the strategy of there's no Nazis, and the truth is in the middle. Right. Because there's some Nazis. They have a Nazi battalion.

But it doesn't mean that, and so do we probably. I mean, who's in our middle? You know what I mean? Right. So it's, again, it's all the way you want to look. It's really just your perception. It's just your perception. Right. It's really just the way you want to look at it.

And war makes for strange bedfellows. A lot of people probably didn't like that Nazi battalion until they had to kill some commies. And they're like, you know what? We don't really care what's on your book reading list at this point. We'll overlook the books you're reading. Whatever it is, it is. If the goal is to make sense out of everything in life, you've already lost.

Yeah. You've already lost. Interesting. What do you mean by that? If the goal is to make sense out of these things, you've already lost. Because you won't make sense out of them. Never. You'll never truly make, you'll never, you can arrange the world in a way that makes you feel

better but the histories of these countries are so deep and complex and long and the relationships that we have with any given leader at any given time and all the things that have been on the table that are not on the table the broad strokes of this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what's really going on and you can just say hey women and children are being killed that is fucking horrible and men everyone it's horrible but it's horrible in Yemen it's horrible in Palestine it's horrible in Iraq it's horrible in Syria it's horrible when a fifth fifth grader in Pakistan goes play soccer and Obama drones him and but he's cool and Obama you know it's cool and goes on the tonight show we say that's cool and Putin doesn't go on the tonight show so let's cut this shit let's cool, and Obama is cool and goes on The Tonight Show. We say that's cool.

And Putin doesn't go on The Tonight Show. So let's cut this shit. Let's be real, and I'll see everybody in the Hamptons. Because I've had enough of the bullshit. I've had enough of the fake cock virtue crap. We're all demons from hell, and we are. That's what we are. So you can either enjoy it and have a fucking soft shell crab sandwich,

or you can fucking keep going on Twitter and putting your pussy out there and hoping that you and Zelinsky get a fucking show on Netflix. I don't care. Are we trending yet or not? I'm trying to help him. Here's my final question.

A lot of similarities have been made, but what are the key differences between me and Amy Schumer? None physically. Right. Mentally, I believe she's Jewish. I believe she's Jewish. I believe she's Jewish. No, are we on pace to do better than the last episode?

No, I was going to say, what are the key differences between you and Amy Schumer, and what are the key differences between Putin and Emma Stone? So Emma Stone is a fat bitch who's attractive but is low-key fat and goes to all the best restaurants in LA. And a lot of times, for whatever reason, me and her have been in a restaurant and she gives me dirty looks because sometimes she's gotten a table that I wanted or whatever. But she's a very interesting person and she's low-key fat even though she's not.

And the difference, Emma Stone I don't know much about. The difference between Ellen and Putin. Right. Okay. Let me say this. Because a lot of similarities have been made. But what are the key differences? The key difference between Ellen and Putin is, I believe, down deep somewhere, you can find goodness in Putin.

There you have it. TimDillonComedy.com. Live dates. Tim Dillon's out. Thank you. Please check out his show. A lot of you don't know about it. Tim DillonComedy.com Live dates Thank you Please check out his show A lot of you don't know about it Tim Dillon Show

It's a growing show It's in Moscow It's in Moscow Would you take a deal From a Russian company That offered you money Well not now They have no money

Okay how about Ukrainian No they're gonna get pillaged They're gonna get pillaged So right now it's just Substack China China yes Yeah Yes we always say it No, they're going to get pillaged. They're going to get pillaged. So right now it's just sub stack. China! China, yes!

Yeah. Yes, we always say it. China, we are willing to hear you out. Yeah, always. Always. Always take a meeting with China. Always, yes. Especially if you're selling an apartment, they pay cash.

That's right. They might even pay cash. They may give you the 20 mil that you want in cash. Love it. That's the only ones you could do. Love the Han Chinese. Jung Shui. My Greek brother, John Mikas. This is a small business shout out to you, man.

Freaking cold. Spring water is the bomb in recyclable aluminum bottles. We just got our shipment from you. We're going to have them all over the studio. It's incredible, guys. I need you guys to start to get rid of your Poland Springs. Get rid of all your plastic bottled water. First of all, it's colder because it's in the metal bottle. And it's absolutely delicious. Freaking cold spring water is from the ancient Blue Ridge mountains of Georgia. The water is crisp and clean tasting.

It really is. It comes in a recyclable, uh, recycled aluminum can. Almost all new aluminum comes from China. So let's reuse what's already here. States colder longer because of the bottle. Like I said, and it comes with this screw cap that you can refill and reuse. I mean, the bottles are incredible. Freaking cold, baby.

They don't want to just be another water company. It wants to be the water company. We're going to make it the water company of the long days crew. The Cyclops cult, long haulers, the Fediverse. This is the water we're going to be drinking from now on. It's cheaper. It's better for the environment. And the water is colder and it is damn crisp.

The company, the plastics are out of the equation here, which is why Jesse loves it. You were on board when you heard about that. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's so good. So go to freakingcoldspringwater.com. They deliver you a full thing.

So you can just keep re-upping instead of the Poland Springs. That's what we're doing at my house right now is we're just getting rid of the Poland Springs. I hate that. And then there's bottles all over the place. You can even reuse these. I still, I refill. So go to freakingcoldspringwater.com. Like I said, they give a percentage of their profit

to conservation organizations. I love this, man. So go right now, order your water for your crib. This is your new water company. Let's support the environment. Let's support America and small business. Guys, our next small business shout out, I'm equally as excited as I told you Brooklyn Cannery

You have to check out these sodas They're all natural They're sweetened with like Like a concoction of monk fruit Or stevia Natural sweeteners No added sugar They range from like

20 something calories to like 41 calories depending on the soda. The Key Lime Jalapeno is banging. The Cola Amaretto is banging. My full fridge is stocked with these things. You order them right on their website, brooklyncannery.com. That is brooklyncannery.com. Go right now.

Fill your man cave. Fill your fridge with these delicious natural sodas that are not bad for you. They're also prebiotic, which means they're good for your gut. I mean, I could not love a company more. I am so thrilled. I'm drinking too many. I've had two a day since I've gotten my stock. So go stock up and just buy them in bulk. And the party you have or when you have friends over, you'll impress the hell out of them.

Brooklyncannery.com. Go order your sodas right now. And if you're in the New York City area, I want to give a shout out to my boy, Nicola Ragusa, Dr. Ragusa. He gives you the LASIK eye surgery. So if you're in New York and you listen to Long Days, go to O-C-N-Y. And right now, O-C-N-Y-E-Y-E.com. O-C-N-Y-I.com.

Tell them you're a Long Days fan. Mention my name. You'll get 10% off your LASIK. So if you're thinking about getting LASIK and you live in the New York City area, go right now to that website. Set your appointment. Mention my name.

And of course, Longshore Coffee. This is what I envisioned when we started this small business shout out. It's like companies I am absolutely passionate about. Longshore Coffee is amazing. Now it's my coffee. It's what I drink. I just got my new one.

It's a new dark roast. Let's see what it's called. All right. The other one was the Boss Babe. But now he's got me on the Dark Slide Java Blend. So the roast date's right there. They roast this right there in Providence, Rhode Island. Go to longshorecoffee.com.

You go to checkout. You put the promo code FUMES in. You get 15% off. This is your new coffee company. Pick the roast you like. It's absolutely incredible. Tastes good. Go to Longshore Coffee.

If you've got a Carrick in your house, kill it. Shoot it in the backyard. You should not be ingesting those heated up plastics. It's bad for you. Get yourself a drip machine so you're not like a real squeak and get Longshore. Then we got natelinder.com. We were supposed to do a phone call with Nate. We're going to do it next week.

natelinder.com is your social media manager. Go strategize with him. Consult with him. He'll kick your social media game to the next level. We're going to use him for long days. So natelinder.com. You know the deal. Check him out.

Take your social media game to heights you never knew was possible with Nate Linder. Chris Minetti, one of my personal favorites, of course. You got to go. Look, you can even travel. Why not? If you want to miss, Chris Minetti's like a celebrity on the show. So even if you want to travel, even if you don't live in the South Jersey or Philly area, go visit Chris by calling him at 215-750-3730 and go get your check cashed.

There's no website. There's no social media. There's a phone number. And that's it. He will cash your check at Minetti Financial Services. Then thebronxbrand.com. Me and Jared have bought stuff from there. Go support artists from the Bronx.

Buy something. Beautiful original art. Beautiful original t-shirt with beautiful prints on them. Always support the BronxBrand.com. Also, promo code FUMES for 10% or 15% off. I can't remember. Promo code FUMES. 15% off.

You know, it's funny. When I bought it, I forgot to put the promo code in. I think I told you that. Did you put the promo code in? Yes, I did. So, BronxBrand.com. And they got such a beautiful original art up there. Support the home of hip-hop with the Bronx.

Now we have... Is this a new one? What is this? Yeah. It's a wild name. Look at this name. Yeah, I'm looking to promote my company. My completely... All right, our next newest small business sponsor

is promoting a self-produced short film. It's a short film called Prevail. So you got to check out his short film. It can be viewed on YouTube. The link he gave us. So I don't know. I'll figure out a way to post it. But go check out Prevail on YouTube.

It's self-funded. So he's offering a pay-what-you-can platform. Oh, so I got to post the link somehow to view the full short film. It'll be in the description of this episode. So just go pay what you can. Support the kid. Watch his movie, what's the movie about, it's a Black Mirror type cautionary tale, I'm gonna check it out, I love Black Mirror, so I'm gonna check out this, I'm gonna check this out, and I'm gonna pay, support this kid,

go watch his movie, the link is right here in the description below, so go take a peek and pay what you can and check out Prevail. Completely self-funded. I bet you it's good. Hollywood's not making anything. I bet you Prevail's good. We'll see. If it's shit, it's shit.

I won't say it if it's shit because he's paying me, but we will watch it. Aaron Leaf, my guy. I love Aaron Leaf. For the free.us. It's all things music from Hawaii You want to find out about local bands About local concerts

Anything If you're going to Hawaii Or if you're a huge music fan Go to ForTheFree.us And check out all these local bands And their music from Hawaii Hawaii How do you pronounce Hawaii?

Hawaii Hawaii Hawaii ForTheFree.us Aaron Leaf And then of course Hawaii. Hawaii. How do you pronounce Hawaii? Hawaii. Hawaii. Hawaii. For the free.us, Aaron Leaf. And then, of course, ExclusiveAutoShipping.com. If you're moving your car anywhere in the world, in the country, go get your free quote at ExclusiveAutoShipping.com with our boy, Jared Z. All right. We want to welcome our newest long haulers, patreon.com slash yannilongdays.

These guys support and listen to the bonus episode every week. They get that premium content. Love for you to go over, support the show, and also support your long days habit by getting an extra episode. Last week's, I thought, was one of our best on Ukraine, so go check that out um so let's uh

welcome zach let's welcome veronica let's look welcome wyatt stafford that's a wild name let's welcome matthew what is that khaled khaled khaled matthew khalid or ked? Khaled. Welcome, Matthew. Connor Sturgill. Long Dick with Yanni Longgoat. Yanni Long Dick with Yanni Longgoat. Yannis Longgoat. Yannis Longgoat. Long Dick with Yannis Longgoat. Then we got Aaron Walker, Jay Rutherford, HZ Films. They got themselves a shout out.

Yep. Screwed in kids. Nicholas Bagnell. Bag kids. Nicholas Bagnell. Bagnell. Nicholas Bagnell. Kevin Doohan. Kevin Doohan. Summer Rogers. Ben Smith. Stephanie Gonzalez.

Joseph Benedicto. Joseph Benedicto. Then we got Morgan Durfield. Greg Combs. Brandon Kansley. Christian Langley, Robert Wolf, Shibibabu. Shibibabu. Shibibabu. Welcome, Shibibabu.

It sounds like a teddy bear's name. You get your daughter, Shibibabu. Then we got Ted, Todd. What's that? Sikorsky? Todd Sikorsky. Yes. Polak.

Then we got Curan DeLong. Then we got Declan Wood, Wilt Wickman, Justin, Cuckface Italian, Dominic Bondar. Bondar. Cuckface Italian, Dominic Bondar. Fiveface Italian Dominic Bondar. Five-timer. And then we got Ace Spades, Will Rusk,

Steve, what's this? Itcashi? Itcashi? JP Kaxer, Sean. Then we got Woke When I Was Broke. Makes sense. Woke people usually are broke.

Then we have Richard K. Oglesby. He sounds like a very rich kid. So patreon.com slash yannilongdays. We'll see you next week. Hope you enjoyed this Tim Dillon episode. It's been a long day.