Yannis Pappas Hour - Covet a Neighbor’s Wife with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: April 16, 2022

Comedian Ari Shaffir stops by for a long day. Yanni & Ari chop it up about his upcoming one man show “Jew” and he explains some never before known secrets of the Judaic religion. Guys, the only thing that matters is mitzvahs, don’t beat yourself up over thoughts. Also, Should comedy clubs have an audience Marshall? And finally, they critique the NYC mass shooter, explore the concept of “grooming” and much more. Jews are just smarter, get used to it’s Follow Ari here: https://youtube.com/c/arishaffirSee Yanni Live upcoming in Addison, TX, Cleveland, Newport RI, New Jersey! Tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comSponsors Butcherbox https://www.butcherbox.com/fumes/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=offline&utm_campaign=GROUND_BEEF_FL_2022&utm_term=fumes&utm_content=Babbelhttps://try.babbel.com/podcast-flags-2021/?bsc=podcast-longdays&btp=default&utm_campaign=2022_usa_podcast_offline_veritoneone_lp&utm_medium=podcast&utm_source=offline&utm_term=podcast-longdaysBox of awesome https://www.bespokepost.com/startJoin for weekly Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysSubscribe to our clips page for podcast highlights https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwThe show goes out every Saturday. Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis PappasInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, guys? Before we get into this episode, we got Ari Shafir, comedian Ari Shafir. It's a fun episode. You're going to love it. I just wanted to tell you about my dates coming up. Me and Jared right now are at the House of Comedy in Phoenix, Arizona. Last show's tonight. Two shows, April 16th. Then we're going right outside of Dallas to Addison, Texas, the Addison Improv. That is April 22nd through the 24th. Then we're going over to Hilarities in Cleveland from May 5th through the 7th. And then Roebling, New Jersey at the Roebling Auditorium May 14th. Jane Pickens Theater in Newport, Rhode Island May 28th. Get your tickets at yannispappascomedy.com.

Our Patreon episode this week is about some takes we found on Twitter based on the mass shooting in Brooklyn on the subway. Some fun takes and people trying to make it about them. We had a great time. So go to patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days for your extra long day.

Now enjoy the app. Yanni's Poppins. Yeah. What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days. I am sitting here with Ari Shafir. What up y'all? Very happy to have him. Good to be here. Yeah, thanks for making it all the way down to the bridge.

The last time I was in Bay Ridge, I was on heavy mushrooms and I was walking by the pier and I just go, I just was like looking at the boats. I was like, I want to take a boat. And then I was like, give me a ticket. And they're like, to what? I'm like, next ticket. And it was Bay Ridge. You're talking about the ferry. The ferry, yeah. Yeah.

And I got off and just walked around Bay Ridge. Right, yeah. I mean, it probably looked majestic to you. Only mushrooms could make that shoreline look like. Wow, this is like the Hamptons out here. It was. Do you stop by the Kia factory or something? Yeah, you could take the boat to the Kia factory

or you could just take it to any neighborhood that's just fulled up of white people. Oh my God. That place hits every white spot. Oh yeah, IKEA is the white spot. Yeah, but every neighborhood. Where does it go? It goes IKEA.

IKEA is one of them, which is Red Hook, which is gentrified. Red Hook is why. Yeah, why? They gentrify the factories. That's my favorite kind of gentrification. Yeah, they get in there. They build little condos in there, little lofts. Is this a factory?

No, it's a trendy hip-hop place. Yeah, no, it's an open space apartment. They have a coffee shop in the basement. Yeah, there's this coffee shop downstairs. Do you like ciabatta bread? We have ciabatta bread. And of course we have a communal workspace. It's millennial living, baby. What do you do with your

refuse? The refuse is recycled. We put it all back in our butt and vomit it out and then send it to some sort of... Yeah, the boat goes to the white areas. Black people are done with boats.

No, yeah. They've still not figured that out. Yeah, you can't get them up into the country, to the woods, and you can't get them on boats. You think they didn't want a shot? They don't want a boat. They don't get on that ferry.

They're like, fuck that. They're inspecting for planks. Yeah, they're like, yeah, they don't like anything with boats boats and a ticket with a number on it. Nothing like that. So my first question, are you a New York comic, L.A. comic, or Israeli comic? Very good question. I've consistently said that I am an L.A. comic.

Born and bred, I've been living in New York for 50% of my comedy career now but I was made in LA you were made in LA so I'm an LA comic you can tell from my act those acting act outs it's like part of right

LA does like to do a lot of act outs they taught me that early where it's like take acting why not express yourself in every means possible while you're on stage

well it's almost like the two extremes right so maybe the LA guys act out every word conjunction article but then you go to New York and guys are like they're like Well, it's almost like the two extremes, right? So maybe the LA guys act out every word, conjunction, article. But then you go to New York and guys are like, they're like. I have to be deadpan. You have to just be the written word.

Like you got to put your foot on the wall and pretend like you don't want to be there. This up thing. Whatever. What is this anyway? What am I doing here? You guys don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. We're all too cool for everything.

We're New York. This is artsy. I do have a serious hatred for the la comedy scene oh i want to hear all about it they're chumps they're all fucking phonies it's the worst every single one of them god damn they're all so addicted to their fame that they're so afraid of it going away that not not a single one of them has they used to a couple A couple of them had some morals. And then Diaz left, Segura left, and it's just like, what is even left there?

Yeah. Who's at all standing up for the right side of shit? Yeah. They're garbage. Who is it now? And who's running the comedy store now? It's like, you know,

Rogan was like the guy, I guess that's like what a vacuum's created after like Paul Castellano gets whacked. Uh-huh. Or Saddam Hussein leaves. Or Saddam Hussein leaves. You're like, does the US military need to go into the comedy store and try to set up

a, you know? I think it's more egalitarian now. It's pretty cool. I'm sorry. Oh, that always works. Like an eagle. Yeah. Yeah, like people like Fahim and Santino are just like, everyone's just having a good time doing stand-up.

So it's like when Alexander the Great was murdered and then his generals kind of, they're pretending like he's egalitarian right now, but there is probably a power, there's a power struggle going on right now. They haven't acknowledged it yet, but someone's trying to take the reins. Yeah, I bet it might be the woke comics.

You think so? Yeah, I do know one or two of them put their hard foot down with like, D'E come back right um and it's like why he was vindicated of whatever he's accused of and then also it was he's accused of underage stuff and it's 21 and over club so what are you even talking about you would want him here you would want him in a place where there's no underage people. So like, you're just like angry for the sake of angry. You want to be on the right side of history. That's funny. Everywhere he goes,

they're like, alright, you're vindicated but here's the deal. Your sentence is, everywhere you have to go has to be 21 and over. Has to be 21 and over. Yeah. Remember Sandusky? And he was like on her house where I said, can I just go to my yard and look at the playground in the yard next to me? And they're like, no.

And he's like, why? He's like, are you not getting what you're charged with? Yeah, yeah. No, you can't leer at little kids. No, you can only really go to an R-rated movie. Yeah. You can go to a bar. Yeah, exactly.

You got to go to a bar. Who's carding, though? Yeah, it's got to be cards. It can't be one of those college bars that glance at your ID and wave you in. Everybody's got to be carded. Everyone in his vicinity has to show ID. Yeah, that they're old enough to be able to not be manipulated. And groomed.

Groomed is a big word. Groomed is a big word. It's a big internet word. Internet loves new words that you've never heard of before, but now suddenly you're like, I'll stand on this. I'll die for this. Oh, grooming is another big. That's one of the big hysterics.

Everyone's grooming. Everything's being groomed. I've groomed. Not for age, but some chick reaches out like, hey, you're cute. Do you want to hang out? I'm like, sure. Where are you? Like, Kansas City?

Well, I'm not going to be there, but in six months I will. Yeah. Am I grooming you for six months from now? I think you are. Yeah. Is text flirting grooming? There's only a few guys who are exempt from grooming. Like who?

Like a couple of guys who haven't come to them. You know, like really good looking guys. Who have young chicks come to them? Who have to do it, like just don't have to groom at all I'm talking about room. I'm expanding the word like you're doing to me like just a check right right, right? Basically mean just like you're working on it. Yeah. Yeah, you and I had to groom we had a groove. Yeah I didn't have to do so much grooming in high school where I peaked really yeah That's what you paid good-looking kid in ice. Yeah, my eyes just kept traveling closer together. They call that tartification.

He got tartified. This guy has it worse than anybody. Oh, Manolis, poor guy. He's got real tartitis. Manolis had tart... I mean, poor guy. I mean, he's... He is the...

He is the link between special needs and capable. He's the link. He's the link. He can walk upright in the middle. It's like not every day, but yeah, usually. He's like the common ancestor in between. He's like the one we share with special needs and regular. He's like that common link before the split.

He's before the split. He's pre-split. He's pre-split. Yeah, so we had a big terrorist attack yesterday. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Close to Bay Ridge. I saw it when I was looking where this is.

It said the subway attack. Yeah. Google Maps has it on there. Yeah. We're close. We're real close right now to the blast zone. You don't take the subway, do you? No, I don't take the...

If you're taking the subway after 40, I mean, even you got a car. Even a guy like you who likes to keep... I take the subway all the time. And you're a guy who likes to keep it down to earth. Yeah. I got a car over COVID because I wasn't going to taking the subway after 40, I mean, even you got a car. Even a guy like you who likes to keep it. I take the subway all the time. And you're a guy who likes to keep it down to earth. Yeah. I got a car over COVID because I wasn't going to take the subway that first summer. Yeah. And I was like, we got to get out of town.

But I take the subway all the time. Yeah. I love it. You still do? I love it. I love staring at people. Yeah. Get bits that way.

Yeah. I love cell phone reception. So you're like thinking. Yeah. You're a guy. I think you're a guy who never wants to be famous i hate any level of fame yeah because you went you went nobody goes from la gets popular and then goes gives it up let me go to new york yeah yeah dom herrera was like what are you doing you're starting

to pop but like i don't know i want to do more spots he goes i think you're playing this wrong it's cool but it doesn't seem like the right move. Everyone goes to New York, gets good, and then goes to LA. Ari was in LA for a long time, got good, got big, and then he was like, fuck this shit.

I want to go to New York. I want to do 100 spots at the Greenwich Village Cafe. Yeah. I wish I could be Daft Punk. I wish I could be famous with no one knows my face. Yeah.

What is it? What you think it's necessary for comedy to just sort of be the perennial underdog down to earth? What is it? Down to earth for sure. You got to have, you got to have a relate to people. So if you're a political comic, fine, who cares?

You can all talk about politics. I don't care at all about politics. So yeah, but whatever. But if you're doing like day to day shit, trying to get a girl to come around, uh, talk to your boss about fucking a raise or something like that. You can't do that as a millionaire. Right. You can't relate to people. Stern hasn't been on the subway in fucking two decades.

He doesn't know what it's like, so how can he talk about it? Right. You can do a joke here at the cellar about the subway and everyone will relate because everyone has taken it. Right. But some guys just can't anymore. You can only do it at the cellar if you're passed. If you're passed.

If you're passed. I don't think I'm passed. No way. Yeah, I don't think I'm passed. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38.

39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46.

47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54 get how this works. There's other places. If you don't like me, you don't like me.

It's fine. Your place is great. I'll go work at the Greenwich Village Comedy Club. There's other rooms. How do you feel about fame? How do you feel about recognizing it? I don't. Yeah.

I mean, I got a microcosmic kind of feel for it when the characters took off and you do those shows and people want to take pictures of you you it doesn't do anything for me it's not like yeah i don't like it i there's nothing about it like i don't respond well when someone sees me on the street whatever it's like yeah i don't i because you know what it is it's like takes you out of your mind i do a lot of drugs too i don't i want to be looked at and they don't know you they don't like you it's like you belong to their kind of collection of things that they like and they want to take a picture with you like you're like you're the fucking Statue of Liberty you're just a monument to like okay I'll just

get a picture of this yeah with this it's like yeah they don't care I like that they're into you I like they buy tickets yeah but somebody told me this artist like visual artists you know painters they really want you to like let's say you made that right you don't want anybody looking at the artist like no go look at the piece right Like visual artists, you know, painters. They really want you to like, let's say you made that, right? You don't want anybody looking at the artist like, no, go look at the piece.

Go look at the art. Don't look at me at all. We have a weird job where our art is our thing. So it's like you have to look at us because we're performance artists. It's fucking strange. Well, everyone's doing that now, too, because everyone's kind of attaching who they are to their art because nobody knows what's good anymore. Did you see that Will Smith thing where he's getting bitched at? Where he smacks someone? I think I heard of it. Not thing where he's getting bitched at? Where he smacks someone?

I think I heard of it. Not that. He's getting bitched at by that fucking bitch of a chick he has. And she's taping him. He goes, please don't tape me. And he goes,

my social media is my bread and butter. You can't just stick a camera in my face and start recording. And she's like, look at you. You ain't shit. He's like, you're really fucking up

my career here. He's just taking it. Yeah, no, he signed up for that, though. I have no sympathy. They're an actress. You know, people are trying to get me to care. I don't care.

I don't also care about the smack. Is that wrong? I care about it from a comedy point of view. I used to care, but I know if I got smacked, he wouldn't care. I know Chris Rock wouldn't care. Exactly. There's all these fucking dead people.

That's what Dice used to have a bit. You think Roseanne gives a shit about what kind of car you drive? She doesn't care. She sh Chris Rock wouldn't care. Exactly. There's all these fucking dead people. That's what Dice used to have a bit. You think Roseanne gives a shit about what kind of car you drive? She doesn't care. She shits on you. Believe me. And also it's like I just don't feel like

there's that sort of comedy community anymore. I think people are just sort of isolated kind of in their bubbles. I don't think the people were like this might lead other people

to do the same thing. That concerns me less than here is one comedian getting attacked at his job and it's bullshit tanny pascatelli had a fucking glass thrown at her in texas 10 years ago same shit it was like that's bullshit i don't think it'll lead to more people i'm not concerned with that i'm like oh here's somebody in my group getting fucking shit on for no reason i'm like fuck that i got attacked on stage it's kind of a rite of passage yeah i know by now david taylor

uh he got i mean he is an unlikable guy. He got called bald faggot so many times on stage. He's not gay. He is bald. Yeah. And he has a standard comeback for when someone calls him

a bald faggot. And it just comes out of the blue. But he's like, hey, use the base, you know, that circular thing at the base. He goes,

that's a weapon. You fucking pick this thing up. There should be like a comedy class. Now, if a couple more comedians get attacked then maybe there is a

a void that some comics could fill where they teach classes on how to self-defense with the mic stand. You know. Yeah.

That's where you're gonna start seeing a lot of guys who formerly were just like oh these meatheads jujitsu bro comics you're like

yeah now we all gotta become that. Everyone's got to at least know how to take a back. The good thing, too, is whoever's rushing you has been drinking. Right. There's no way they would otherwise. So you can just – the best thing about the comedy store, in the heyday, my heyday of the comedy store, when nobody was there, when Rogan was gone or before Rogan blew up, like 2000 to like 2010 or 11 it was a dank shows just wouldn't happen because no one would show up and if a comic got attacked which they would off stage

i'm like you apologize to my girlfriend fuck you everybody else even if you hated that comic you're beating that guy's ass right everyone's just fucking stomping and like you think like i would always see it because they get lost and they'll be like i'm going toe-to-toe with yannis right and i'll put like i'm stronger than him so i could do this not realizing there's fucking murderers around you who want to murder right and they're like this is my excuse right like they might hate you the other comics but they're gonna attack that guy it was great yeah i don't think a bunch of times i don't think that yeah i think now people would be like too fractured what yeah well what did he tweet what was his tweet about what's his political stance what did he have to say about the slap that's my least favorite thing about all this

what's his position on ukraine yeah we're in this tiny little group and we're fucking splintered even in that yeah but it's also it's also kind of fun too it's like you know it's fun i did tell a comic who's like talk shit about me a few times and she was like i guess we're enemies and it's also kind of fun too it's it's like you know it's fun i did tell a comic who's like talk shit about me a few times and she was like i guess we're enemies and it's like i'm not gonna say i'll tell you afterwards i'm like no we're not enemies i like you stop talking shit about me i'm not gonna fight back with you right i think you're fun right stop right yeah yeah and what's the what's the big deal about people talking shit isn't that like what part aren't we like a high school that's what makes we're kind of like a high school just when it's i mean look at your socks dude we're still in high school a little bit i called dice once and his message he was like hey

and i was like this dude's in his fucking mid-50s yeah i'm like he's not growing up so i'm like do i this is why i was brand new i was like do i could i not grow up yeah no hey i want to bring a point up when you said i don't care right apathy is like a real thing that this terrorist attack i had the same thing this might get me in trouble but like don't do it but like part of me is like i don't care you know like this doesn't affect me i wasn't on that sub with this 10 million people here five died or or got shot. I'm like, again, it's wrong, but there's no caring in me for this.

I don't think a lot of people care. Yeah. I did bits about it on stage last night. People are like, no, we don't. Yeah, it's like the whole thing about when someone catches you when you say something wrong. I want it to happen to me

just so I can say, yeah, I said something wrong, just like all you guys have, except I record myself for a living. So what's the difference? What do they want us to do? Not fucking free ball this? Yeah,

I mean, are we really gonna all pretend like we haven't said something, you know, offensive, or whatever you want, wrong? I participated in a full lynching last week.

And we hung a guy to his death. I mean, so we all have fucking, you know, in our closet a couple moments. He who hasn't participated in a lynchingching cast the first stone about someone who has. Everyone makes it about them. That's the problem.

That's what it is. Because it's content. It's a way to make it. I want to open a Twitter school where I teach people how to tweet what the tenants are. It's like, okay, man, remember, go big. Whatever it is. It was a terrorist attack. How is this about something other than the guy

who did it go big sweeping generalization the cops you can't take a standard stance which is like well that was wrong yeah no you can't because like well that's boring you're not gonna stand out that way boring to be like hey the guy was crazy i blame that guy you can't go no no no no you gotta be like there's subways late that's what you get and then people always do that how do i tie this to police trump Trump, Putin? Some other stance. I saw something in Ukraine where somebody was like, you know, these people are huddled up. It was like a first day or two.

People are huddled up. Rogan sent me this. Maybe he sent it to you too. People are huddled up in their apartments and, you know, like fear for their life. And they're not very vaccinated there. So COVID rates could. And I'm like, damn, lady, you are missing the point.

Yeah, you gotta somehow, like, yesterday I just had a ball because this happened yesterday. Wherever you're watching this, it was a couple days ago. The news is probably still on it. It's a long day, so it doesn't matter. Yeah, it's a long day.

Boom! Booyah! Glip! But I was, like, scrolling around Twitter having a ball. Like, I enjoyed it. I was looking at all the takes. It's lunatics.

I was just enjoying all the hashtags and nypd you know and just all the all the it was all about everything except the guy who's like a lunatic right it was just it was like it was like oh my god okay the conspiracies are great what are the the chances? Three cameras are down. Biden gave an anti-gun speech yesterday. They just go big. And you're going like, I don't know, dude. That seems weird. I mean, it's a democratic state with a lot of gun laws. Why would they send the guy here with a democratic mayor,

a progressive council that's most progressive next to Portland? It doesn't hold up. I like your theory, but you put it to a test and it doesn't hold up. It doesn't really hold up. I mean, I like your thinking big. I like your thinking. I like your dreaming but you put it to a test and like doesn't hold up doesn't really hold up yeah I mean I like where you're I like you're thinking big I like you're dreaming big it's because it's too that standard take it's too obvious it's almost like everyone agrees like well fuck that guy for shooting people it's like well yeah yeah do we have to say that yeah it's like on stage when you when you're doing a bit about like you know

an out there bit and you have to go you don't though but most people go look I'm not saying that anyone is worse or better than any other race. And so it's like, I listen to old Kinnison stuff, and he just skips all that. He goes right into it. He goes right to, fuck these bitches. You guys fucking suck. Every one of you fucking whores suck. He didn't have to go like, look, I'm not talking about your mom or your sister.

He just skips that. Yeah, that's because people used to understand the social contract of, hey, I'm going to a comedy show to hear inappropriate stuff. They do. It's only when it comes out of the room, usually. It's always fine live. That's the thing. It's like I've never had an issue live.

Yeah, that's why it's like recording now is worse than recording before. Recording before is like, hey, I don't want this bit out until I'm done with it. Now it's like, hey, dude, this might get me losing a lot of money and jobs and sponsorships. And it's for this room right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not for anybody else. Yeah, but I'm like usually you don't feel that sort of people getting offended not live they're there for they sign up they're there for it dank comedy clubs you're hearing awful shit it's great and that's the realest that's real so good that's when the comedy

happened that's so good live the day of an attack yeah to be able to say like to a crowd last night it happened yesterday and And then last night, be like, I don't really care. And I'm just joking about how many people were like, oh,

before the gunshots, there's a smoke bomb. I was on the other fucking car and it was a guy pissing so I came to this car and I got to deal with this idiot with a smoke bomb

and then the guns, damn, got worse. People were just honest, again, more, you know? Yeah.

And things, you can actually get to some solutions on how to do things. Like instead of us all pretending like we were all up last night just shivering because of what happened, going like, I just can't. I'm putting myself in one of those strap handlers and I can't sleep because of the terror they might have thought. Yeah. I slept like a fucking baby last night. I didn't think twice about it. You can not care.

There's two types of not care. Not care is like, good, I'm glad something happened to you. And the other not care is like, I'm not genuinely regularly thinking about forced circumcisions in fucking Rwanda. You know what I mean? If I had to weigh in, I'd say something, but why do I have to weigh in? I don't think about it. That's the not care, like an apathy. Yeah, my wife tells me to do something.

I'm like, hold on, honey. Right now I am mourning some people who were lost in the Ukraine. Right, right, right. Oh, honey. Right now, I am mourning some people who were lost in the Ukraine. Oh, yeah. Guys, for most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't a high point in our academic career. I speak no

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Boxofawesome.com. All right. Whatever ad that was. We're back. We're back. Ran a nice train on each other. You did. Tried to make it a circle, but three guys, you can't do a circle.

It's tough. You really need that six guys. Yeah, you need a few guys to get all the way around, to get ass and cheeks and cheeks every time you could do a half moon you could do a half moon you could do a half moon yeah yeah you could superimpose a full a full uh uh oriboros you know dick fucking but it's hard it's that yeah you just this one guy who's gonna have an unattended to penis yeah who's gonna have to just take care of himself that's just what it is. And we just did it for fun. We were just trying to see if we...

Yeah, yeah. We're trying to turn it into an NFT. That would be a great NFT. This fucking gay train we're running is a fucking NFT. You were there.

Still trying to wrap my head around that, but... NFTs? Yeah. Still trying to wrap my head around that. I kind of have wrapped my head around it.

But then, like, you have to talk about it more so it'll be worth more. I'm like i'm out yeah you almost like it's almost like you insider trade your own thing so it's like logan paul's very famous so he is his own marketing department for his nft so he's like i'm gonna take some polaroid pictures that's his new thing and he's like they're nfts now so they're valuable because there's only six of them but the reason you know about them is because i'm Logan Paul and you want Logan Pauls. So it's like this new type of art that has more to do with...

Vibe. Marketing and the brand of the person that it does. It's kind of like what we were talking about before we took a break to do a half moon. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it used to be like, hey, you point to the art and go like, look at the art. Now Van Gogh's going like, what's up?

It's Van Gogh. Oh my God, it's so lame. I'm down here with prostitutes. I'm drinking, I got oil paints. I got fucking herpes. I bit my ear off. I've been trying my best, but you know how it is. Can't have alcohol for seven days.

So you know, I'm on a cycle. Imagine scrolling through Van Gogh's stories. We should not know these people. And when actors, especially COVID, all be like, well, I got to be popular, so I'll show you who I am. You're awful, awful people. That's one of the best things about leaving LA is going away from actors. They are the worst. Soulless, garbage, dumb.

They're well-read because they read a lot of scripts but they're dumb god and they act like they're valued opinions they're fucking nothing there are some comedians that are very good at it too though

yeah you happen to be good at acting but you're not an actor no but not just acting but marketing and sort of doing the stories sure oh yeah you've never had a full conversation

with Burt Kreischer try having dinner with him uninterrupted good luck you know like you want the birds to come over to you you want to be with the birds so you throw a little bread with Bert Kreischer. Try having dinner with him uninterrupted. Good luck. You know, like you want the birds to come over to you? You want to be with the birds

so you throw a little bread and just hope it makes them call. I was trying to just lead you into that without saying it. I was like, you know, we dare some people

get into the stories. Oh, I hate it. Also, they never ask you permission. It's never like, hey, I got to go do this story. They got to be like,

hey, you're on. I'm like, no, no consent. No, no. I'm having a fun time. It's called the Jada. Now it's called the jada now it's called the jada it's jada you yeah you're like hey listen bert okay be on right now be on like listen okay i have my own social media i'm doing i can't i cultivate a certain thing it's never

friendly and happy so you're you're putting me in a friendly position it's gonna really hurt who i am and bert's going see this is the problem this is the problem with Ari I have to tell Bert I'm like sometimes I'll have like a nice moment where I'll be like hey thanks dude I really appreciate this and then I have to text back like oh don't tell anyone I ever said I really appreciate this it'll hurt my brain you can't let that out of me being a nice person how early in your life

did you know that you were going to be a renegade Jew like it must Like it must have It must have been early That the rabbis Were speaking to your parents Going like This isn't going to work on him No

Like he's immune to it It was late I was deep in I was way in So I was like 20 You're like the Europeans With scurvy Or whatever

Killed the Indians What was it What was that What was it Killed the Indians Oh what was it Smallpox Yeah You're like? Oh, smallpox. Yeah.

You're like the Europeans with smallpox when it comes to religion. You were like early on. You were like, Ari's just immune to it. I started having questions when I was at Yeshiva University. I was like, this doesn't make sense. I shouldn't marry a nice person who's named Christy, but I should marry a dick who's named Sarah with an H? This doesn't make sense.

And also, you just have a wild you're kind of a wild dude you you're i you're i you're you're such a great dude when you hang but then you always have that thing like is are you gonna do something wild like when you're with you like this you always like this dude didn't do that like when someone dies i'm like somebody take his phone find this fucking phone i mean gilbert godfrey got it the other day i saw i just went right to your twitter i was like and there it was they're fun you know why because i'm so sickened by all the people like i don't mind someone's like oh he died but it's like it's the public wrenching of their what's the word

wrenching wrenching of their clothes tearing your clothes where it's like it's like you don't care this much you're trying to make it about yourself it It's nauseating. It's all a version of 10, 15 years ago on Facebook, someone posted a fucking post saying, to my beautiful wife, Samantha, every day is amazing with you. And I'm like, why is this a post and not a DM? Or to dad, I miss you 10 years today. I never stopped thinking about you.

I wish you were still here with me. I'm like, why are you publicly posting this? For likes? Right. That's the only answer. It's for likes. It's the truth. It's not, hey, when Bob Saget died, Miss Pat was genuinely friends with him.

Right. And she called me, and we reminisced about him, and we tried to make it a little better. We didn't record our fucking conversation for the world. Or make a song for him. Or make a song for him. Here's the deal. It's funny. I do it too, so I'm not

blaming anybody, but you're absolutely right. I think it shows a little bit of your humility that you treat death that way because it is the message like, hey man, find the humor in it. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. You're trying to get some lightness out of it and the lightness is from a dark place.

I'm making fun of the person less. I'm making fun of the person less. I'm making fun of all these people who are like, woe is me. Robert Schimmel died. I opened for him once 16 years ago. I've never thought about him since. So it's like, fuck, I'm making fun of you. And all the people are like, well, I'm mad.

Like, good. I'm glad. I was going for you. Right. And there's only one side effect is if the family sees it. If their family sees it. Yeah, but who would show it to them? Yeah, what kind of a dick move? It's like, dang, dang. It's like, you know is if the family sees it. If their family sees it. Yeah, but who would show it to them? Yeah, what kind of a dick move? It's like, dang, dang.

It's like, you know, this hurts the Asian community. It's like, then why did you send it out to millions of people? There were 80 people in the audience who might have gotten offended. You sent it to millions. Yeah, yeah. You know, or sending one of the Louis jokes about a school shooting. And you're like, look at these people being hurt. Like, why'd you show it to them?

Why'd you show it to them? Yeah, it's not for them. I'm never going to somebody's funeral and doing this. I'm going to here around my friends. Yeah. It was said in Governor's Comedy Club. It wasn't said to a therapy group for people who lost their kids. Yeah.

So why are you giving it to them? Oh, why would you show? It's like crazy. It's almost horrible. It's self-serving because you're like, well, look, I'll show everybody what he did. Like, yeah, you're an asshole. It's like taking a Mein Kampf to a jewish school like do you see what we said like yeah dude don't fucking give it to them don't show them this try to have

fucking recess we're really talking about something that's almost become ubiquitous it is this sort of self-serving everything is sort of dual purpose it's like like, at its best, at its purest, things are dual purpose. Sure. At its best. It's like, hey man, maybe I care about this a little bit, but I'm definitely doing it for the attention.

Because I'll admit, I don't post my wife close to never. Oh, that picture of a wedding ring. It's like, dude, this is a deeply personal moment and you're sharing it with hundreds, if not thousands of strangers. But when I do post it,

it's because she's a fucking piece, and I know it's going to get a lot of comments in life. Yeah, exactly. I can't pretend like I don't know that I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm like, this is going to get a hell of engagement. Yeah. You know you can just lie, though. You can take a picture of someone else's kid

and then post it as your own. And be like, nothing's the same now. Every day with this kid, Tony, is like now different. And you're like, oh, yeah, but just like lie. Just lie. Get the attention. If we started like a fake Instagram account of making fun of all that, where we just said this was my wife.

Yeah. And it's just not your wife. And just all those moments. Yeah. Because like, you know, it would get into the algorithm because people love that. Oh, it's such a perfect moment. You guys stop it. You know, like I love I love you. They go, oh, it's such a perfect moment. You guys, stop it. I love you.

I love watching you. I love you how you love you. I love how you love you. Yeah, oh my God. And also taking this moment. Let's say you and I are having a good time somewhere. Right. Having a cigar.

Like we did the Astro exam. We took a pic. That was great. And we took a pic. We took a pic. Yeah, because we're fucking scum. That was over three and a half hours. If it's like a moment and you've got to stop a cigar. Like we did the Astro exam. We took a pick. That was great. And we took a pick. We took a pick. Yeah, because we're fucking scum. That was over three and a half hours. If it's like a moment and you've got to stop a moment. That was

a better picture for me than it was for you. I was with Ari. Ari was like, I was with a comic. Yeah. Here or there, it's okay. Fuck off. Here or there, it's okay. It's like, hey, we're hanging out. You guys would want to see this. I wasn't saying you were that way. I'm just saying that's what the reality was. But to stop a beautiful moment for that. It's like, hey, we're hanging out. You guys would want to see this. I wasn't saying you were that way.

I'm just saying that's what the reality was. But to stop a beautiful moment for that. It's like, I was at a bar mitzvah once. My niece, her nephew's bar mitzvah. The family's dancing, Jewish-style dancing. And the photographer comes over like, hey, turn, smile, smile. And I'm like, capture the fucking moment. Do your job.

Don't make us stop having joy so we can take a picture for later. Because that's just all the same picture. Why are people still taking that picture? Sunset, it's not going to be captured. Or just people posing for pictures. Posing. Yeah. It's like, why is it?

You're right. That's the same picture everyone's taking. Catch them in action. Yeah. When we're traveling, when I go to stay in hostels and other countries and stuff, there's sort of an unwritten rule that you'll take pictures of someone else when they're in a moment. Right. But isn't that illegal a little bit?

You send it to them. Oh, okay. Be like, hey, when you're on that cliff, it looked badass here. Yeah. Oh, there's this picture of me. Oh, you mean people you know?

Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, Pete Cornuccion, and Matt Edgar. And we're walking in Joshua Tree and we're all walking

to pay our like camping $5 or whatever. And these ladies were there taking pictures of sunsets. Because it's gorgeous. And they just happened to snap a picture of the four of us walking. It looked so fucking badass. And we were coming back. She goes, hey, sorry guys. I don't know you.

But it was on auto timer. It took the perfect picture. And it was like, I'll let you put it up afterwards. It was so good. You guys almost formed a band. It was so cool. Dude, it was so cool. You're like, send it I'll let you put it up afterwards it was so good you guys almost formed a band it was so cool dude it was so cool you were like

we need a band now to make that the cover we're like thank you for taking that but if we stopped and posed it wouldn't be real it wouldn't have it the duality

it's like half of me is like trying to make people laugh and the other half is if you're gonna get upset also good right if you're gonna be one of those people

who get mad if you're walking out angry from a comedy show the other hundred of us are also like laughing at you you're making this better for us who know it's a joke you're you're you're a guy who's not scared to do the thing that maybe a lot of you're like the kaiser sozay like you thought i went and showed these men of will what will really was i remember the first time me and me and jesse were actually together and we were there to see rouse was oh the hbo jim jim jim uh down and dirty show

yeah i remember that great show what a great show yeah until he totally did yeah you got so then that was the first time we i think we saw you yeah and you just you you came out naked i pulled out my dick yeah everyone was talking like rouse was doing jokes about having sex with special needs girls. And Ari's just like, I got to show these men of will what will really is. I told Rogan's manager, my buddy at the time, I told her that I was like, hey, I finally booked a TV show. She's like, good for you. That's great.

You know, she goes, don't take your dick out or anything. And it was like, hey, I finally booked a TV show. She's like, good for you. That's great. You know? She goes, don't take your dick out or anything. And it was like, light bulb went off. And it was like, for sure, I'm taking my dick out. And now I just got to justify it in a bit. So then I was doing a bit about how you can get a blowjob. They're great. You can get them anywhere. You can get a blowjob in the bathroom.

You can get a blowjob. And I was like, you don't even have to be hard to get a blowjob. You can have a soft nothing dick and just still distract. I'm like, you can get it. Dude, right now, I can get a blowjob. I don have a soft nothing dick and you're still distracted. I'm like, dude, right now, I can get a blowjob. I don't need to look how gross that looks. Then it was the people like, what? Fucking 1,500 people sing soft dick.

What a great sound. They were so mad at me, HBO. Yeah, that was and also Rouse, they banned his set. They banned his set. Yeah, they had to cut one guy because they had to leave. We were all hoping. We were like, I'm going to stand out so much that I'm going to get an HBO special.

It was all of our dreams. Jim Jefferies got it. He got it, right? Yeah. He had more of the story. I remember his was more of like a story for him. Yeah. Yeah. Louis Katz was on that show.

Louis Katz was on it. Jezel Nick. Fuck, so many cool people. Patrice Valls, maybe. I don't remember. But I tell you what, though. When Rouse used to get naked. God.

Jason Rouse used to get naked and go around the club. Look. It was visceral. I would laugh so hard when he'd go around and he'd go, excuse me. He would say he dropped a jaw. He's looking for a jawbreaker. He'd climb around and people were screaming. And he was talked. He's looking for a jawbreaker. So he would climb around and people were screaming

and he was talked. He had his dick gone. I mean, I would just, I would die laughing. It's so funny. It was just, he would,

I went on the road with him and it was like, it was like, Ari, I think a mouse might have died or something happened in my bathroom and it was just him

projectile shitting into the tub. So it hit the wall and come down and you're like, you're like, what is it? And as you open the door, the smell hits you and it's just like, then you see it. It was like, what? Who died?

Were there Nazis here? What happened? What happened? That's not how shit in a tub should be. It should still be a pile, not a splatter. Some guy I met at one point was like, oh, you're friends with Jason Rouse. Whenever someone finds out I'm friends with Jason Rouse, they have a Jason Rouse story. One guy goes, oh, yeah, I did the road with him once.

And I was sitting in a car. And he said he was going to the bathroom. And as I started scrolling my phone, and then I look up, and he's peeing on the window through his legs. Oh, my God, through his legs. Wow. He used to pee through his – he used to go the other way in the urinal legs. Oh my God, through his legs. Wow. He used to pee through his, he used to go the other way in the urinal.

Oh my God. He used to shit in bathrooms and all that. You know, it's funny and then you go, Jason, there's got to be an off button.

We got to find a place. There's never an off button. You know, when I introduced him to my mother-in-law, my future mother-in-law, I remember him, first thing,

he's like, Jason, can you be cool? He goes, no. Balls out, balls in No, I can't. Balls out, balls in. That's pretty good.

I used to like that story you told about when he would throw a party. That's my favorite story. So his story was back before he became a comic, he was doing the job that if there wasn't comedy, he would have done, which is just be a busboy and die of fucking fentanyl or whatever. So he was doing that, I think, in Vancouver. And he had a house party. And he decided to – it's just so funny.

I can't even handle it. So he wanted – he just took out some newspaper and he took a shit on the newspaper. Oh, my gosh. And he left it there. Oh, my gosh. And he did it because he wanted wanted and he didn't say anything so the house party

got more packed up more packed it was a big shit like in the middle of the floor until someone goes until someone goes hey I didn't know you had a dog

is there a dog like some dog I was like where's your dog I didn't know you have a dog and he goes I don't

he's waiting for that moment we were sitting on the train once Shit's fun Yeah we were sitting on the train once I think in London Or one of the Fucking those cities In England

One of them yeah And we were sitting there And the train was delayed And we were eating on the floor And this guy This guy comes Walks by us We were eating And he goes train was delayed and we were eating on the floor. And this guy walks by us. We were eating. And he goes, ah, you guys got some food.

Smart. He goes, yeah, the trap is set. Now we wait. Meaning like, you know, I ate. It's all about taking a shit. Now we wait. Oh, my God, dude. He's a wild man.

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to do this thing where he'd shit in a mug and put it on top of a gas station like a gas pump and then they'd sit across the street and smoke and drink and just watch people and look at it and just like and then nobody's gonna remove it, right?

So they're just like, it's not my gas station. So one afternoon they would just sit and watch people. Yeah, no, these are, you know, the job description of a comedian is not something you can put on a resume. No.

You couldn't go, I did Montreal 06, I pissed against a window in 2007. I gave Jay, Big Jay for his birthday, I gave him a shit in a box. I got an airtight tackle box, wrapped it,

and said it's a Avenged Sevenfold new album. And I just shit on a sock and put it in a box. I got a question for you. Do you think he takes off his gloves to wipe his ass? Oh, that's a great question. I don't know if anyone's ever asked him that.

I don't know if anyone's ever asked him that. Does he keep them on when he wipes I think he does because the fingers are bare the fingers are bare and I think yeah or maybe he just doesn't wipe or maybe he just doesn't wipe

yeah you ever wipe with your hand there's always a little shit that gets on my hand always a little a little bit you just gotta save that for later. I mean, the American diet just doesn't make for clean poops. So it's always like a little.

I always envy animals who just like it just comes out and then they just go about it. Move on. My dog is like. Their asshole is completely intact. No wiping. No blood if you wipe too hard. I got to like take a bath. Why don't you get one of those Home Depot bidets?

I know. I'm not French. I started using bidet, but it's not perfect. You need a great one where you don't even have to touch it. Wipes, dries. So like those tushy ones? I use the tushy ones. I don't know if you have that. They used to be a long time ago.

No, I think somebody just bought me one actually. Do they work well? Yeah. Okay, so I'll tell you how Caparola told me once. Imagine you have this table and you spill a little bit of cool on it. Right. And then you take a dry cloth and you just wipe it. Right.

It's still going to be sticky. Right. So you need a wet cloth. Right. So that's what he was trying to tell me about wet wipes. Right. How it's important. Wet wipes are much better, but the problem is they fuck your plumbing up.

But you'll be dead before it matters. Right. You don't live in fucking Rwanda. Right. How it's important. Wet wipes are much better, but the problem is they fuck your plumbing up. But you'll be dead before it matters. Right. You don't live in fucking Rwanda. No. Your plumbing's fine. No, but now that I have a house, it's like I didn't even know what a septic tank was. I can't even wrap my head. I was like, where does the water come from?

And they're like, it's underground. I'm like, wait a second. It's fucking water? How's the water under the fucking ground? That doesn't make sense at all. No, water's in a lake. It's above ground, you idiot. There's just water? How's the water under the fucking ground? That doesn't make sense at all. No, water's in a lake. It's above ground, you idiot. There's just water under there?

And like every house has water and they just have a well and they pump it in your house so you have your own fucking water. There's no pipes or there's no, I don't even know. That's what I never want to buy. It's like the toilet breaks

and it's your responsibility. It's all your thing. Your septic tank gets backed up. It explodes in your front yard and then there's your responsibility. It's all your thing. Your septic tank gets backed up. It explodes in your front yard and then there's shit everywhere. It's like you got to use one-ply toilet paper so it doesn't block it. One-ply toilet paper is basically toilet paper.

No, it's the worst. It's worse than the Holocaust. Having to do one-ply toilet paper, as parents and grandparents who were survivors and many, many relatives who did not make it, I'm telling you, without exaggeration, one-ply toilet paper is worse than the Holocaust. Not by a lot, but clearly. Oh, man.

The Holocaust was bad, though, objectively, right? Objectively was bad. It was bad. I don't think there's any angle you can have. Even the people, like, it was exaggerated. There's only think there's any angle you can even people like it was exaggerated there's only like 500 people died like but that's still bad okay 500 is still bad still bad and yeah even the ones who go you try to minimize the number but i will say it's like a 9-11 like 5 000 people died like and then i heard this like yeah but a lot of those are black but i mean i will say this jews have really dominated the messaging on what the nazis did

because you know i'm greek so it was no no not whose fault it was you definitely got that right i think you guys nailed that one yeah um but everyone's in agreement of that but like the other people aren't as seen as much we're like role players on the team of stars like there was a lot i was my deaths and like other people like other nations and like fucking they slaughtered people yeah you know yeah they didn't do it uh and you know they didn't do it with the old russians fake shower trick but like right you know yeah who's up for who's up for a mass shower? All right, guys. Gym's over.

Can we just go one at a time? I'm kind of embarrassed about, you know. I guess if everybody's circumcised, let's just do it. Dude, when I was in Munich, it's like you do kind of look at every thing and go, is that really a light? Or you get into an elevator, you're like, what's going on? You get a look, you're like, what's going on? Yeah, is that a real sprinkler or what are we talking about?

Because what they would do is they would lie to them. They'd go in there and like they said it was something else, like sprinkler, or like, oh, is this a showerhead? And then, yeah, I mean, then. Yeah. Then it got different. But what I mean is like. We're going to set you free.

Can I? Yeah. Working and making my way out? Yeah. Like the Greek, my mother lived in Nazi-occupied Greece for four years as a kid. They were brutal. They fucking murdered people.

Like they did it throughout everywhere. No, I won't pay cash. I have a credit card. Take the fucking credit card. I don't care. If I don't have cash, I can't. But yeah, how do we, how does like the Greeks,

all the other countries, how do they get on board with like, hey, it also happened to us? Okay, sure. Because you guys are the Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen of what happened in world war two absolutely i just want to be john perdu i just yeah i want to be john paxton i want to hit a big shot here's the issue they're the they were but not forget the numbers were way higher than other people the value per life i mean skyrockets above these other fucking gross races.

Right. Oh, we've lost some Greeks. No offense. You're one of the good ones. No, no, no. I get it. I get it. But like, ah, big whoop.

You know what I mean? Right, right. Or we're going to have less bailouts in Europe. Right, right. You know? Less people sitting around just drinking coffee, doing nothing. Less fucking over-exaggerated mustaches and fishermen. Yeah.

We don't need that. Dangerous level hand act outs. We don't need that. Dangerous level hand act-outs. We don't need histrionic. That is a good point. See, it has never been explained to me why. The number of Nobel Prize winners that are Jews are fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah.

The percentages. People can't handle it. You know what, though? Let's talk about a little progress okay and after this we'll get in a breakdown of how this

subway shooter could have done a better job that's what we're gonna close on we're gonna critique his work but what was I just about to say

fuck oh let's talk about progress the Will Smith Chris Rock slap, which was basically Hollywood's 9-11. It was replayed too much. No Jew conspiracies, which is progress. No Jewish conspiracies. I cowered.

What is it? Not cowered. I scovered. I don't know the word. The internet. I cowered. I scoured the internet. Searching. Because it's one of internet. I scoured. I scoured the internet. Searching.

Because it's one of my, I love it. Like, it's entertaining to me. Looking for a Jew conspiracy. I wanted one. I mean, I found every single other type. 9-11 we had. Dude, which one haven't we? Right.

Which one hasn't been attached to the Jews? Oh, we, you mean the attachers, not the attached. Yeah, no, I mean, like, what conspiracy doesn't have the Jews? Okay, they start, I have seen the beginning of COVID, like, like the jews planet oh for sure and people said jews couldn't have planned it i was like well hold on for sure we could have we didn't but we could what are you talking about if anyone could have pulled it off i even responded to one guy on twitter by going hey like when they were like it was vaccine hesitancy i'm like hey dude in israel because i know like those guys it always goes back to the Jews.

I was like, hey, man, let me just throw a wrench in your whole thing. They're the Jews are vaccinating each other. And he just he one upped it. He goes, yeah, they don't care about one another. Those people are ruthless. They'll kill each other over a nickel. And I was like, I almost want to say touche for the anti-Semitism because I tried to checkmate him. Because that is like checkmate.

It's like, hey, dude. And he had to weasel out. And he fucking had one more piece of anti-Jew hate that I didn't see coming. Yeah, that's great. Ren Azizi pointed this out when it was all this hesitancy of like, well, let's hold on. This is brand. I won't get a fucking iPhone update until 10 days pass. You know what I mean?

I don't know what it's going to do to my shit. So we're going to be first in line for that vaccine. You know, like brand new? don't know what it's going to do to my shit. So I'm not going to be first in line for that vaccine. You know, like brand new? Let it circulate a little bit. But Steve was like, they're giving it to

people in Israel. And Israel is one of the only countries that does care about their population. Right. Well, that's what I said. Their Arab population,

not so much. But their Jewish population, they do care. So if they're doing it, they at least think it's safe. Right, right, right, right.

But his point was like, yeah, they'll kill each other over in Nehr. They'll kill each other over in Nehr. There's no nickels involved here, though. No, that would be, right. But his point was like, yeah, they'll kill each other over in their roost. They'll kill each other over in Nicklin. There's no Nichols involved here, though. No, that would be what do they have over there? Shekels. Shekels. A few shekels. A few shekels, Bubby.

Yeah, so he almost got a pro-Bubby on the end of a shekel sentence. You can't just leave the shekel hanging. You gotta put a Bubby there. So he just, he found the way in and I was like, these Jew haters are good.

Jew haters are great. They always connect. You gotta give it up for them. Yeah, they really find a way. That was the years of practice. Racism's, racist people are,

right, everything's like lots of different facets, right? So, yeah, bad, bad,

whatever. They are creative. They're creative. And also, what's amazing about- They have to make their world work. What's amazing about Jew hate too is like, bad, whatever. They are creative. They're creative. And also, what's amazing about- They have to make their world work. What's amazing about Juhei, too, is like the,

you guys have done so well in whatever the areas are that piss people off. Oh, yeah. Like banking and smart. Yeah, all that stuff. That they almost made you a race because it's like, dude,

you guys, you can hardly tell that you're not white. You can tell, though. A little bit. Some people you can tell. I mean, after a nose job in Long Island, not really. Yeah, sure. Right.

You can get sold out. Three nose job, a little bit. That's part of it. But I also have a fucking schnoz too. I mean, people try to hand me palms all the time. Really? Dude, I try to get

hands and palms all the fucking time. I can see it. I can see it. I'm from that area. I can see it. Yeah, I have a Semitic look. I had to, they were trying to give me

a menorah once if you do the Hanukkah, whatever. Dude, I tried to give you a menorah when you walked in me you can't hide And I was like like are you Jewish like no, no, I just didn't feel like it But then I realized I was going to a Christmas holiday party and I was like it would be cool to bring one of those Menorahs right and light it like it'd be fun for a party. I was like, hey actually yeah I am Jewish like let me have menorah and they're like well you just said you weren't Jewish and I go Hanukkah give me my fucking menorah did that ever happen to you where you tried to lie and the guy was like he looked you went come on come on you're Jewish I'm fine I just don't care you're right it's pretty obvious some people

we're not hiding now you have an interesting, I'm excited to see. This is what I wanted to say to you before we start shooting, because I love your comedy. I love watching your stand-up. It's kind of mature, and it's smart. And you have a theme show, which is about Jews. Yeah, Jew. And people, they don't know a lot about Jews. They just make things up about Jews.

But even a lot of Jews don't know shit about Jews. Even a lot of Jews. I have had people do this. I've done it all over the world. This Jew hour. A lot of people go, that's not a real thing. And I have to show them the source material because they don't quite know enough about it. Right.

Or like a Catholic who doesn't know about pre-Cana. Yeah. And you're like, that's not a thing. Like, it is. You just, your family wasn't religious enough. Yeah. You know? Because you know it because you were like supposed to be a rabbi. And then I went back and looked at all the texts. I can read Ar religious enough. Yeah. Because you know it because you were supposed to be a rabbi.

And then I went back and looked at all the texts. I can read Aramaic. Fucking worthless skill. I can read Aramaic, a dead language. Yeah. I mean, God damn it. Why didn't you teach me French? I had a moment where I kind of understood why maybe Madonna.

I have a brain tumor. Madonna became Kabbalah. Kabbalah, yeah. It's cool. Because, dude, my therapist put me on to something. He's Jewish. I mean, there's a good chance of that.

Smart. Therapists. But he told me something about the Jewish religion. And he's like you. He's like, he was supposed to be a rabbi and then he went out

and his mother said he was living in sin, all that shit. But he gave me something that Jews are real good with to a religion, which I really like. Because Catholics and in sin, all that shit. But he gave me something the Jews are real good with, which I really like, because Catholics and Christians

really beat themselves up over their thoughts and shit. Like, the Jews, it's about actions. It's about mitzvah. It's about what you do. They view it, it's more like we're human. Thoughts are just thoughts. Yeah, you're supposed to have desires of sin. You just don't do it.

And if you do do it, you make up for it. Yeah, it's like, it's all about what you do. So even if you're, to have desires of sin. You just don't do it. And if you do do it, you make up for it. Yeah, it's all about what you do. So even if you're... Christians are just going... Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. I want to masturbate. And they're just beating themselves up.

Or Jews are going like, you know... Wait, thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife. And it's like, you're gonna. That's why we put it in here. Right, just you're not supposed to do it. And if you do it, atone to it, do another... It's about the amount of mitzvahs you do. And that takes the pressure off a little bit, which is ironic that Jews are so anxious because it's like, just don't do bad stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you guys just, you know, but you guys do with the banks, you do bad stuff. But it's not a sin. It's okay. Yeah, there's all these extra laws. God didn't make money, so that's fine. You can't charge interest to a Jew, but you can to a Goy. And then there's all these tall mutants.

Don't put that in the show. Are we saying non-Jews aren't real humans like Jews are? And they go, no, it's not that. But for a Jew, it's your brother. You don't charge interest to your brother. But a stranger, you can charge interest. So the interest is standard. But you give them the benefit of not charging interest to a Jew.

Wait, is that true and it's going in the show? That is not going in the show, but that is true. Damn it. But it's lots of stuff like that. Okay, so that's the truth. June 11th to 12th, Brooklyn, New York. Get tickets at RH4.com. Entire hour.

It's an Edinburgh-style hour, but funny. Club funny. Every one of these bits has been able to follow Mark Norman on a fucking stage where they don't know me. Yeah. Now, what I was going to say about when we were talking before the show is like I actually think themed hours are kind of going to be

the future of stand-up comedy specials because people don't watch full comedy specials anymore. So you've got to give them a reason. So you give them a reason to continue because everything's kind of tied together because people just won't watch it no matter who you are.

The last 10 minutes is not nearly as watched as the first 10 minutes. Even if you look at the metrics on Netflix, I've heard, it's like even the biggest comics, people are not sitting through the hour. They're not sitting through the whole thing. That book I was quoting, I've read three quarters of it. Yeah.

Our attention span has just been changed by the internet. Yeah, it's tough because now we're in a position of like, do I put out a piece or is this just an advertisement to have them come see me? And it's definitely both. But my view is like no no this is like my work right you're gonna see the entire i'm gonna write a novel i'm not gonna write short stories because you guys don't have an attention span right but i can i can already tell even with my own interest being peaked it's like if you told me you were putting out a special i'd be like all right i'll scroll and see some of it on the ground like i wouldn't be as excited to see your special as I am to see

A show called Jew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's well research. Do you come out as not Jewish in this cuz that would really help That's really hot in Hollywood right now if you could have like come out as not Jewish in a show called you yeah Yeah, or if you're dying just say you're dying like just fucking go for it come out as not Jewish in a show called Jew. Yeah. Wow, in the middle of it. Like, God's a thief. Yeah. Or if you're dying, just say you're dying. Like, just fucking go for it. I should do one of those. Yeah.

I respect those that have happened. You know, it's like, there was one kid who was supposed to die and he didn't die. Hat's fucking off, dude. Hat's off. Dude, he pulled like- Way to capitalize on this non-death.

I mean, it didn't happen, but his special did. Special happened. You can't take that away from him. You can't take it away. It is off the HBO website, but you can't take away that it happened I mean, it didn't happen, but his special did. Special happened. You can't take that away from him. You can't take it away. It is off the HBO website, but you can't take away that it happened. Yeah, it did happen.

And you know what? We're not politicians. We're not moral leaders. It's like, whatever you gotta do, you gotta do. And maybe he was sick. Maybe the technology got better.

No, dude, I'm excited about finally recording it because it was like, I would go to Edinburgh and it was like, that Hannah Gadsby special is like, people were like,

what the fuck is this? It's like this thing. But I was like I would go to Edinburgh and it was like that Hannah Gadsby special is like people were like what the fuck is this like this thing but I was like oh that's just a standard definitely heightened like emotions but like it's a standard thing for Edinburgh

like a theme but I would watch them all but they're not funny they're not funny they would go about till about right about 38 minute mark and then they would do like

15 to 20 minutes of serious of like and that's when I realized my father never loved me and I was the man he always wanted me to be something like that it's, and that's when I realized my father never loved me and I was the man he always wanted me to be. Something like that.

It's like, I never understood why I was watching these. I watched tons of these hours because they're all your friends. Why did you stop being funny? Why couldn't you make a punchline when you said you realized

you were becoming your father? Why can't, why did you stop doing punchlines? Like, I'm not against the theme. It's just make it club funny and they all fail at it and what do you

why that also is kind of in mainstream comedy it's like comedy's not the number one priority it's like what's your story Duncan said it the best and he goes

it's not so much it's not as important to be funny anymore you have to be messianic you have to start this crazy hashtag or something like that and then the funny doesn't even matter.

Right, right, right. It's sort of like a message, the messaging. Yeah, so when you get Vecchione has a fucking album of the year a few years ago, people are like, what a throwback. It's just jokes. It's like, why is this a throwback? Right.

Whatever you're doing should be on top of jokes. Colin Quinn doesn't stop making you laugh while he's talking about the fucking country. Right. You know? If you can fucking understand through the mumbling. Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking. Yeah. So this hour is you can fucking understand through the mumbling. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking. Yeah. So this hour is like a spite hour to Ed, bro. I'm influenced by them the way the Beatles were by fucking India. But this is like to throw it in their fucking face. And be like, we're 15 years ahead of you. Stop acting like you're better than us. We could easily do what you do.

Right. Far better. Right. Because they always say how we do a new hour every year. It's like, yeah, you talk for an hour. Yeah. You do do a new hour where you talk. They're not specials., we do a new hour every year. It's like, yeah, you talk for an hour. Yeah. You do do a new hour where you talk. They're not specials.

They're just a new hour. Yeah, it's just a new hour of talking. It's crazy. Yeah, so what are you doing with it? Where's it going to go? I don't do it that way. My last special too, I just want to record it.

I don't want anybody else's hands in it. I want like, I'm the guy making it. So it's going to be where you want it. And then I'll shop it around after that. Quick question. Have you performed it for Jews? Oh, yeah. I did it in it. I want like, I'm the guy making it. So it's going to be where you want it. And then I'll shop it around after that. Quick question. Have you performed it for Jews? Oh yeah. I did it in Jerusalem. I thought about recording in Jerusalem. So I intentionally booked like a small show. Like 80

person show. So if I want to go back and do like 500 or 600 or something like that, I wouldn't have burned the market. It doesn't work. Because there's so much shit that's expository in there. And you start going like what did we just say? Something. I don't know.

What did we just talk about? Oh, the loaning money to a Jew. We got to get back to that, by the way. Right. So it's like, if you loan money to a Jew, you don't charge interest. If not, they'd be like, yeah, we know. Because we're family and they're not. They'd be like, oh, shit.

So they had me. I didn't explain anything to them. I didn't have to. So it would be like, shit, half the punchlines are in the explanation. Well, you know, the Greeks do kind of a similar thing. Like, I used to joke about it through my character, Miss Aponis. It's like, you're Greek? Yeah, I'm Greek.

Wow. I know it. I hide it well. Yiannos can't stop us? But they do kind of a thing, too, where they have, like, for Greeks, they roll out the red carpet. And then for everybody else, they just kind of. Everyone has that feeling about their own tribe you have that tribal thing

but is it like that's like a is that an unwritten rule or is it like it's written is it like law is it like religious law or law or like it's religious law but so now you can't so if you want to run a company correctly you can run it through somebody so like you can't work in a sabbatical

does your agent charge you commission yeah he's not Jewish though will I just yeah would an agent be able to save five percent if I fucking convert so dude the fun thing was on the way out I there was these people in Minnesota and they were like frontier Jews they were Hasidic but they were like why you in fucking Minnesota right you know why in Minneapolis because you're like I want to be out there doing adventurous stuff you'll see them sometimes at comedy clubs right those are frontier Jews the yarmulke the fucking like you shouldn't be here there's adventurous stuff. You'll see them sometimes at comedy clubs. Those are frontier Jews. The yarmulke, the fucking, like you shouldn't be here. There's no law against it, but like you shouldn't be here.

But they are because they're like, I want to experience life and like do stuff, you know, with the law. So we had a deep discussion about marijuana and the illegality, halachically, like Jewish law-wise about that. And they were like, it's not, so there's no commandment against it. Drunkenness is a commandment against it drunkenness there's a commandment against this not really the worst we can get to is bittles money it's like a waste of time wow as much as watching netflix dude that's how bad marijuana is yeah you're fucking like the edward snowden of judaism dude i can't wait for people to see this you're getting in there and you're going like hey man actually, actually it's this. Yeah. This is what's really going on.

Yeah. And the Jews are going, oh wow. Yeah. But also they know that you're not wrong because you speak fucking Aramaic. Yeah.

Aramaic is a language Jesus spoke. Dude, I did have this great bit I had to lose. Yeah, Aramaic was the language Jesus spoke.

What does it sound like, dude? What did Jesus sound like? It's close to Hebrew. Yeah, so it has like a lot of Yeah, a little more guttural, more of that.

That's not attractive. It's not attractive. There not attractive there's no i mean even gal gadot you never hear they don't let her speak i mean i'm fucking jew here there's jews everywhere when i grew up there when i grew up there was jews everywhere now there's chinese everywhere it's amazing how many non-jews speak religious jew because they're around them so much in New York. In this area, everyone's on top of each other. Because you go to so many bar mitzvahs. I mean, you know how many bar mitzvahs I've been to?

Nice. You know how many? All my girlfriends were Jewish up until I stopped doing that horrible shit. Wow. Because in my world, if there was a non-Jew to bar mitzvah, the fucking record would stop. Really? Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude, we grew up. There was all non-Jews. Yeah we grew up like we grew up in park slope which was like where the baby boomers yeah the non-religious ones like the kids of old school ethnic brooklyn people where they went to gentrify an area yeah so they were like the gentrifiers from other parts of brooklyn when the world was smart so like his parents were like hippies whose parent you know who's who their parents were like fucking your dad's your dad's parents were like fucking get out of my neighborhood oh yeah I was like I just want to sculpt so that part we grew and it was like but there was still a lot of Jews in the

neighborhood but it's very eclectic but yeah so most of people went to the bar mitzvahs were it was it was in their schools and it was very eclectic. But yeah, so most of the people who went to the bar mitzvahs were, it was diverse. Right, in their schools. It was diverse. Yeah, you'd see black people at the, you'd see fucking Italians, Irish, Puerto Ricans. We had one black family in my crew, a convert who married like a dark skin Arabic Jew. So the kids were black for sure. Right.

And it was just like, people were like, what? Could you marry a black woman? Okay. By religious law. Would she have to convert? Yeah. She'd have to. So Orthodox doesn't respect the conversions for marriage.

They don't. They're like, we know why you're doing this. They don't. They'd already be converted. It's more of a feudal system there. You have to be born into it. Yeah. And so religious, I mean, law-wise, halachically, you can marry a converted black person.

But culturally, they're going to be like, ugh, what are you doing? Right. They're still racist. All people are like that, dude. Everyone, everyone's like that. Yeah, or they'll be like, they don't come from good stock. Like, their dad was a lawyer,

their mom was a doctor. Yeah. Still. Yeah. Yeah, they'll be like, oh, I guess I am racist. Yeah, like, were they kosher? Yeah.

They're kosher. The neighborhood's not going to know that. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Kosher pizza, does it taste different when a rabbi blesses it?

Rabbis don't bless it. They watch over to make sure you guys don't fucking throw some ham on. Oh, I'm the stupid one. I apologize. I'm being illogical about it. You know how I started doing this? I would do shows at the, this is classy. I would do shows at the Fablack, and I would start with, I had like 25, 30 minutes written.

And then I was like, at the end of it, I was like, hey guys, do you have any questions about Judaism? Right. And from the outsider perspective, like, why do you carry those pillows? I'm like at the end of it I was like hey guys do you have any questions about Judaism right and from the outsider perspective like why do you carry those pillows I'm like what pillows what do you and then I

oh I realize what you're talking about like what's the deal with the wigs and the women and I'm like oh it's like shit that I got from the audience of like what are you thinking about us right

and I can I'm too deep in right so like Ian Laura was like I'm going to Israel what should I see and I gave him a few tips and then I realized like

oh oh the western wall and like the stuff that I take for granted. I had to back up to explain it to him. Well, that's like New Yorkers do all the time. We always end up going, you got to see statues of all shit that we take for granted. That we don't do. Yeah.

Yeah. You ever thought about adding a question answer part based on conspiracies? Ooh, interesting. And have fun with that? Conspiracy, Jewish shit. Jewish shit, like bank shit. And then actually explain Rockefellers actually were, or to just really track down all the,

because the Jew conspiracies are a lot of fun ones. Oh yeah, and some of them are real. Yeah, like which ones? Well, why do you guys run the banks? Because they didn't let you do anything else. Right, so they didn't let us do anything else, so we had to do money loaning was the only way and then we just started running the banks right right um why do you guys do the media it's like because you're too dumb to write an article

and we're not so it's like yeah of course we're gonna advance in that world um there's a big chunk of it that people are missing is that jews jews really focus on education and are smart so much smart oh my god. Jews are very smart. And now you can see that with other ethnicities like South Asians, the Indians, the Chinese. The Chinese are now

really the new Jews. When it comes to... Koreans, pastors. Yeah, I mean, when it comes to... All the Jews are aware of it. You guys know, too. You guys fucking...

It's not great. Yeah, it's almost like you guys were enjoying golf and then Tiger Woods came in. Yeah, exactly. almost like you guys were enjoying golf and then Tiger Woods came in. Yeah, exactly. The Chinese are everywhere. He's Chinese too or something. He's the first Chinese Nobel Prize winner

and you're like, that's fucking P.K. Subban. Yeah. No, this better not become a trend. Yeah, because they're dominating the admissions now. That used to be all Jews. You know, remember that story at UCLA? They're like, hey, less Asians. They're like, what?

Yeah, Asians are like, what? There are discrepan are discrete the Asians do have a point they're being discriminated why we crushed it they're just keep crushing it like well only limit them like what do you mean limits yeah our scores are high we're that's what it is well they're just gonna be all Asian they're like then let it let it be all Asian yeah so that's an interesting that's one of my favorite things too because it it uh the fight is often between asians and minorities because they're taking says minority there's another one hey this is discriminating against asians yeah we're also a minority we're just crushing it well then the other thing is like you're saying asians as if it encompasses everything but it's like really mean

chinese japanese and koreans and the reality is then laoistians like hey so i can't get a scholarship right because the fucking Chinese took them all. I'm not Chinese. I'm Laotian. We're dumb. Yeah but the Laotians they're like the Greek

to Europeans. Exactly. If Laotian comes and wins like summa cum laude it's like they fucking really buckle down. And I'm not I mean there's a lot

of smart Greeks. We actually do very well in the diaspora. When we emigrate places we do very well. You know it's like Like Indians. The ones emigrate places we do very well. Interesting. Like Indians. The ones that are here are not the toilet bowl cleaners. Yeah, exactly.

You've had enough money to get to America. Does everyone clean the toilet here? Do you guys have another job? This has been a very progressive conversation. It really has. It really, really has. You used to be able to just do this and people would understand what it was. Yeah. I got somebody mad at me the day after the chris rock thing the uh i said my joke

on it was like one of them was like will smith sitting back down is the ultimate white privilege some black dude got mad at me and he was just like like and then at some point he's like what are you mad at and he kept like the stuff you're saying like what he's like you know the stuff you're saying like specifically what and eventually he said that i'm like oh you know everything up here is not serious right like i don't think you understand but also i mean that but also i do make a good point yeah i made a good point will smith does experience some level of privilege being will smith yeah he has a lot more privilege than a lot of just regular white people it's just not white privilege yeah but it's american hollywood privilege it's a privilege yeah like oj simpson had a lot more privilege than oh yeah when you talk about white people you go like but you're like yeah you're

talking about a small group of white people right like there's a lot of white people just like they're not that privileged but i was but you don't have white privilege i'm like i know that's ridiculous right do you see the humor in that right right right but there you don't have white privilege Mike. I know that's ridiculous, right? Do you see the humor in that? Like I don't know how to explain this to you any other way. Yeah, I'm a comedian That's my job to try to make jokes what that comedians is something ridiculous like they might be joke I love actually when all the comics like talking and like gossiping about each other Let's just shoot so-and-so posted. I'm like they were probably joking Yeah, we got to give them that benefit of the doubt.

Maybe they're just trying to say something fucking out there or crazy. It's also good to talk shit. It keeps us all honest. It keeps us all honest. You know you have multiple text threads where all you do is talk shit about each other. I love when people make fun of me. But you make fun of someone who's not in the text thread. So that when you see them, you can be like, hey, Giannis, what's up?

You can be like, what's he wearing those shorts for what the fuck was he thinking was he fucking suddenly a gap kid and they're like hey honest i said i got it off my chest right then we can be cool right right right otherwise you see him and you're like hi man you can't stop focusing on the fucking short socks with a pom-pom on the back but people have gotten really like sensitive about what people say i think that's a privilege, too. It's like, I don't care what you say. You're just saying something. You're saying it.

It's just words. Comedians, that's what we do. We're vicious with each other. We're pointing out the fucking foibles of the society. Yeah, and sometimes we're mean, too. Yeah, and people are like, I don't like it. I was like, great, yeah, we're not going for everyone to like this. We're going for a small group of people to like this.

There is sort of an interesting thing when people start looking at comedians and saying, hey, you can't say that. You almost feel like, oh, wow, there's humanity raising its fascist tendency. That's sort of, because comedians are the last ones going like, hey, look at the emperor.

Hey, look at this. Hey, look at you all idiots doing this. Yeah, and then we go, hey, you guys got to stop joking around. You're going like, wow, that smells like, hey, look at the emperor. Hey, look at this. Hey, look at you all idiots doing this. Yeah, and then we go, hey, you guys got to stop joking around. You're going like, wow, that smells like, that's like, you know, when the animals know a tsunami's coming. That's like, that for me, you almost feel like those are the animals running, going like, oh, wait, this is.

Because nobody gets mad. They say like you're wrong and they get mad, but like, that's not true. Because if I did a joke about a big, big dog around my kid, I'm like, and this guy's walking this massive dog, this chihuahua, and he's walking this chihuahua, and my kid's scared because he's the same height as him. You would come up to me afterwards and go, hey, I don't think you know what a chihuahua is. That's actually a very small dog.

But you wouldn't be like, fuck you! Chihuahuas are small! You wouldn't be angry just because I'm wrong because it doesn't attack anything you believe in. You get mad when their pedestal, their fucking shaky pedestal of what their worldview is, is shaking a little bit. They're like, I don't like this.

It's a bad feeling. And when that dude who shots up a fucking subway is black, that's not what it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be a fucking out there white dude, a white supremacist, or a fucking Arab. Now I've got to rethink my whole fucking worldview

because this fucking black dude had to fucking step out of line. That's crazy. Whites and Arabs. We were the dominant ones. I don't know what to think. He's the Tiger Woods of mass shootings.

Yeah. He's changing the game and he got away. Wow. Only difference between him and Tiger Woods is he didn't do that great of a job.

He didn't kill anybody? Nobody died and I think his gun jammed here's a fun one 13 people got injured yeah five shot the other eight just basic new york fucking smart and running and fucking stampeding yeah nothing so he only got he only got eight he got five he got five others were injured not gunfire injured oh just pushing and shoving yeah yeah how many people on that train

deeper like not on the sub the cars next to them but like three over or more we're just like what the fuck

I gotta get off the fucking just pissed a lot of them going like I'm gonna be late to work and shit yeah a lot of them going why are they stopping

the train for this shit but you know what else there was probably some other people who were already late to work were like fuck fuck and then saw that news like yeah

I was on the train. I do live in Bay Ridge. You will see us near there. You know there was a lot of checks out Yeah, a lot of people going like yeah, man. I was on the train to go and hey man you live in Connecticut Yeah, but you know I'm seeing all she lives in Bay Ridge, and I was coming from there, and yeah I was on the train. now I'm late because of traffic like just check Google Maps there's none fuck yeah I bet you

nobody went into work yesterday and then on top of that people just were probably claiming trauma trauma I'm sure a lot of you are like I don't want to get on the subway

now it's too dangerous or I just want to take some personal time to think about this I need to process this oh my god I need to process Chris Rock is taking

a lot of time to process this I don't know how to process Chris Rock is taking A lot of time To process this I don't know How come he didn't Just make a statement Going fuck you Will Smith Like his brother did

It would have been Nice right then I think he played it The best I think him saying Absolutely nothing then Because at that moment He goes oh I could

And we all know What he meant He's a comedian He could eviscerate him Right Whether he's a more Written comic Or a more riffing comic

Right We're all We're dealing with A fucking mortal Right And he's a fucking god Right or a more riffing comic right we're all we're dealing with a fucking mortal right and and he's a fucking god right so there's no way right sagalow would have fucking destroyed him right anybody any three-year comic or more right but he's like no i don't and him saying nothing allowed the internet to handle it for him and he was never going to say something as good as the entire internet good point i mean they rose to the occasion do you think it was premeditated or no no i think it was just like look i used to open

for rogan um and there were moments where i get hecklers and i didn't feel proper dealing with the heckler to just kind of destroy the room because it's not my show it's his show once or twice i had to and he was like no no for sure like i called you out said fuck you're not funny it's like you have to but it didn't feel right. The Oscars times 1,000. Right. You know, it's not his show. Right. Cypher said it the best.

He's not some guy in the audience. He's the headliner. Right, right. So it's like, it's very weird. He's about to win an Oscar. Everyone knows that. Because a lot of people don't know. They know.

They know, yeah. Also, if it was me, I'd be like, you're a dumb fucking cunt bitch of a wife. And then it would get like, look how sexist Ari is. Right. I would put my foot in my mouth because I wouldn't have time to think that's why live comedy is the best you can say

horrible shit to people and really try to hurt them right really what would hurt you race let's go there let's call your father

I'm not going to say anything whatever like whatever you know you want to hurt them yeah you can't say the things you're saying live

when you know they're recorded because then it becomes another context that people it makes a statement people aren't in the things you're saying live when you know they're recorded because then it becomes another context that people can. It makes a statement. People aren't in the energy of the context for which it happened. It's like, oh. Yeah. So I think some of what's happened with people being upset with comedians is just adapting to sort of this new everything is recorded.

So the contexts have become layered and changed and people can watch something that they're distant from and judge it in a different way. and people can watch something that they're distant from and judge it in a different way. But another aspect of it is sort of a fascist tendency that I think always is in us. To try to push people down. It's in humanity, yeah. I think audiences, you guys got to step up. You guys got to police yourselves

because nobody wants their phone taken away. You want to be able to use your phone in the bathroom, but there's rooms that have those pouches that you can't. And it's because you guys couldn't police yourself. You see somebody fucking recording there,. You want to be able to use your phone in the bathroom, but there's rooms that have those pouches that you can't. And it's because you guys couldn't police yourself. You see somebody fucking recording there, it's got to be you going, hey, hey. Yeah, fuck them up.

Yeah, when there's a heckler, you go, shh. You know, you do that at the movie theater. Why wouldn't you do it? Like, hey, you're ruining this whole thing for us. Should comedy audiences have like... No. Mace is a good idea, but I'm thinking more of like,

what do they call those? Flight Admirals Undercover guys Who sit on the In the audience Should they have one of the audience With a gun A marshal

Should there be an audience marshal Who just sits there Like on a flight And like it's part of like It's up there in Legal Like if you talk You get shot

You get shot That wouldn't be bad That would be Taken down Well behaved audience Grab arm on the back Talk about. That would be a well-behaved audience. Grab arm on the back. Talk about the balance of power back into the comedian's hands. Dude, we had a Chappelle show when he came back from Africa.

It's at the store. I believe that was his first show. I'm not positive. But it was definitely his first one in LA. Everybody was there. Soundgarden was there. Bruce Willis was there. People begging for tickets.

Right. Realized later I could have fucking, as a dory, I could have bought tickets and scalped them for thousands right did eventually make good on that when louis did a show there and i'm like oh yeah i'm buying fucking i'm buying and reselling these like i made a grip off louis um but uh but um so like any heckling will be you will be asked to leave me i just got to pause for the amount of times you were called a jew in the comments let it happen let it happen. Let it happen. He resold them. Okay, now we're back.

I just knew it was happening right there. And he said, Eddie Heckling, you'll be asked to leave. No questions, whatever. I think either Suli McCullough or Al Madrigal, I think those two were on before. One of those two, somebody was like, oh, you're not funny. They just grabbed him, front row from the main room,

grabbed him, picked him out, and the two people off the wait list, you're in. And then you could tell everybody else like, oh shit. I might, maybe was going to say something. I will not now. I don't want to miss this. Right. That's what we need.

Some plants of people getting ejected early on. That's what we need. Send a little message. Send a message. Send a message. It's like. Secret Marshall. It's the reason why I think homeless people in New York are not as aggressive as other

places. Why? Because we set one or two on fire. I told so many people your theory on this and I love it. It's one of those, it's maybe my most quoted thing about the homeless problem. Yeah, you just set one or two on fire. Every once in a while. Just to send a message to everybody else to create a little bit of distance that it could

happen. You don't want to do it too much. Yeah. You see them in the West Village like, hey. When you're like, they're bothering you. And like, oh my God. to send a message to everybody else to create a little bit of distance that it could happen you don't want to do it too much yeah you see them in the West Village like hey when you guys think they're bothering you

and like oh my god because they realize like oh shit I've crossed a line they might just beat the shit out of me yeah yeah so other cities

that just they don't in LA they know these super liberals don't actually want to touch a homeless person right so they have like hey can I get

hey they're like oh no oh no in New York you just see Rick Shapiro it? They're like, oh, no! Oh, no! In New York, you just see Rick Shapiro dating one. You're like, oh, we touch him. Sometimes we fuck on him. Yeah, it's like, you know, you got extra crack.

Of course, you guys know Ari Shaffir. Who doesn't know Ari Shaffir? Thanks for doing this. If they don't know you, the few people, the few anti-Semites who may not be watching your stuff, the Jews coming out. Jews coming out at some point. If you want to come to the taping, if you're in New York, June 11th and 12th in Brooklyn, New York,

the home of Jewish people in America. Wanted to do it there specifically. Get tickets at rashafir.com. And then it'll be out over the summer or whatever later. I don't know. And the Skeptic Tank. Oh, my podcast, R.A. Shafir, Skeptic Tank. The Giannis has been on.

Start with that episode. Yeah. Start with that episode. And then, and then go right over to Katie Hannigan, who was the most recent. Yeah. Thanks buddy.

This was fun, dude. Thank you for coming down. Yeah. Now I feel like shitting in your fucking other room, dude. We call that. Thanks brother.

Yeah. All right. We're here with our small business shout outs we love to support small business Jared's over here our first one up

we just I guess we want to just continue to say hello to US Michael I don't know what his company is I don't think he has one I think he's just a supporter

yeah or something happened to him or something happened to him he's missing he joined and he's missing hopefully they don't cancel his card for a while. He drowned in the Atlantic Ocean and he didn't have an Apple Watch. He didn't have an Apple Watch.

Apple Watch. Just don't cut off that card. Or as you say, iWatch. iWatch. Yes. I love to have my Apple Watch on just in case I'm in the middle of a mass shooting and I run from it. I want to be able to check my heart rate.

Yeah. So you know it's going to be the next Apple commercial, those shameless fucks. Yeah. All right. Our Greek brother, John Yannimikas. John Mikas with freaking cold, freaking cold spring water. The official water in the studio.

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Just go to freaking cold. Just get your waters cold. Yeah. Just get your waters. Order them. Is there a promo code? Fumes. Was it fumes? Let's see.

I think the promo code was for Johnny Mekas, the water company when it comes to premium water. Freaking cold. Freaking cold spring water. Just order your fucking cases. They send them right to your house. No promo code, but it's not that expensive. So just go buy them.

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Can't love these guys more. I mean, I think I'm drinking them too much. Yeah. I mean, you drunk them so much that you look like a person that would drink them on their yacht. I mean, what is that shirt right there, son? Yeah. Yeah. I was a little unsure about this shirt.

Yeah. But yeah, I do look like a guy who's drinking a nice Brooklyn Cannery on a yacht right now. With that shirt, you look like you have potpourri in your bathroom. So Brooklyn Cannery, the flavors are great. The calories are low. All natural sweeteners. Monk fruit, whether you use stevia, monk fruit, all that stuff. Yeah, Sumerian extract, yep.

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You keep it for yourself. I keep it for myself. I got to re-up the order. I mean, I'm low. If you need a new eye exam and you're in the New York City area, you need LASIK, I just made do it.

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You can get local deliveries out there, too. Nate Linder. We should call him. Nate Linder. natelinder.com. Your social media managing consultant. YouTube, Amazon, social media. Get your game up.

I'm following him right now. Yeah. You following him? Yeah. Yeah. natelinder.com. We're going to use him. We've got to call him.

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natelinder.com to get your social media strategy in place. Chris Minetti. Chris Minetti Financial Services down there in the South Jersey Philly area. Go get yourself a hiki and then go cash a check. See, just go in

there with a piece of paper and see if they'll cash it. This is the only ad that we have to whisper. Yeah. Yeah. We got to whisper this one because this is old school. The IRS doesn't even know. You just call Chris at 215-750-3730. I have the phone number memorized at this point.

So call Chris. Yeah. No social media, old school. He'll tell you where to go. Cash a check with Chris Minetti financial services or just the cash your check

cash your check store forthefree.us all things Hawaii and music go to forthefree.us if you're going to Hawaii to find out where bands are playing if you want to find out

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and bands you find out about bands if you're a music lover forthefree.us shout out to Hawaii and Aaron Leaf okay

what's this we got here it's like a new one yeah we got a new one so shout out 305PLP we're gonna tell him right now put your copy here put your copy here Looks like a new one. Yeah, we got a new one. So shout out 305PLP. We're going to tell him right now. Put your copy here.

Put your copy here. He's definitely a Florida kid. Yeah, put your copy here. So you guys can get your reads. Thanks. You should have said, thanks, brother, like Aaron Rodgers. So we're waiting on his 305. So he's from miami 305 plp media service we'll find out more about that and then of course our boy from san anton who came to see us uh shout out to jared

you go to exclusive autoshipping.com and i get your free quote if you're moving your car anywhere that is exclusive autosh shipping.com now our newest patreon members all right guys we got our newest patreon members over at patreon.com slash yanni long days want to give a shout out to our newest members of the fediverse our long haulers give it up for matt yep then we got ambassador cartwright. Okay. Okie dokie. All right. Then we got Jane Kuhn. All right. But did I pronounce?

Kahn. That's a lady that knows how to make a shepherd's pie. Yeah. Kahn. It's not Kuhn. It's Kahn. She's German. You've got to really be careful about how you pronounce these names.

Yeah. Then we got Adam DeRoe. DeRoe. Adam DeRoe. That kid loves Shakespeare. Yeah. It sounds like a poet. Adam Dureaux. That kid loves Shakespeare. Yeah, it sounds like a poet. Adam Dureaux. It does.

Yeah, these are poems by Adam Dureaux. He's got a soothing name. It's all about his parents' divorce. Yeah. Adam Dureaux, it kind of lowered my blood pressure

just saying Adam Dureaux. Yes. It is relaxing. It is relaxing, Adam Dureaux. It's a great name. And this one raises my blood pressure through the roof.

Here we go. Fuck Biden, Trump, Antifa, and QAnon. Yeah. So he's going after everybody. Everybody. I like this kid. Fuck Biden, Trump, Antifa, and QAnon. You found a perfect home at long days.

Then we got Sarah Sawyer. Another poet. Yeah. Sarah Sawyer and Adam DeRoe Oh yeah Have combined To write this play Yes That you're gonna watch

At the Small community theater At the Jane Pickens theater Then we got Jacob Gibson Twelve Okay

That's a username My kid's like 13 years old That is a username From back in the day Then we get Jeff Worrell That guy owns A John Deere the day then we get Jeff Worrell that guy owns a John Deere uh lawnmower yeah Jeff Worrell finger pop my first girl on that on that barrel of hay over

there then we got Yanni where's my free tea for Christ uh uh message me on Instagram um where I think we're at we have a few left I don't know maybe if we have one I'll give one to you they're all kind of gone then we got Mateo we got Mateo Italian kid

then we got Diana La Riviere is that how you say that? La Riviere? yeah Diana La Riviere and then Karen Sagar welcome girls

then we got Cameron King yes that's a singer's got Cameron King. Yes. That's a singer's name. Cameron King. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Next on Dancing with the Stars. He's got some songs with Luke Holmes.

Yeah. Cameron King. I was thinking of she. I was thinking she, Cameron. I was thinking he. Yeah. Cameron's one of those. It can go either way.

It can go either way. Yeah. Yeah. Then we got Brian Flynn, just a potato monkey. Yep. Just an Irish fucking kid who drinks himself to sleep. And then we got Corey, Corey Duran. Duran, yeah.

Duran. He's got two. Why don't you just call yourself Corey with a little two above it? Or is that a play on Duran Duran, how he repeats Duran Duran, but it's just Corey Corey. Corey Corey Duran. Yeah. Yeah. You caught that.

Yeah. All right. Corey. So patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days. Guess what, guys? We will see you next week. Yeah. All right, Corey. So patreon.com slash yannilongdays. Guess what, guys? We will see you next week. Spread the word, baby. Tell your friends about the long day you had.

It's been a long day.