Yannis Pappas Hour - How Firemen Say Sorry w/ Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Rachel Feinstein has a new special on Netflix out right now. Rachel is an actual friend of Yanni, so this one is fun. They talk about what firefighters do for you when they cross the line or need to settle a beef, the time she got trapped in a bathroom and needed to be rescued by firefighters, and what it’s like to be comics with kids.   Our weekly bonus episodes are highly rated and viewable here: https://www.patreon.com/yannispappashour?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator

What's up, everybody? It's the Giannis Pappas Hour. I am Giannis Pappas. As you know, we got a great episode coming up. My good friend, Rachel Feinstein, who has a special out right now on Netflix. Go on Netflix, watch it. It's hilarious. I watch it. She's so funny. She makes me die laughing. We had a good time. Also, our weekly bonus episodes, patreon.com slash Giannis Pappas Hourauer Go check them out Completely uncensored Wild content You guys are going to love our bonus episodes every week They're only five bucks a month

You get the video You get the audio I don't care It's one price for everything There's other tiers also If you want to be a small business sponsor You want a shout out on the show You can join that tier on Patreon

Patreon.com slash Giannis Pappas Hour For all my dates coming up in the fall I'm off for the summer Of course Giannis Pappas GiannisPappasComedy.com Hey everybody Here with my good friend Rachel Fenton Fenton Do I say fast? Fenton Fenton It's a long day. It's a long day. Hey, everybody. Here with my good friend, Rachel Feinstein.

Feinstein. Do I say it fast? Feinstein. Feinstein. Does your Wikipedia still read that? Like, it's spelled Feinstein, you mean? Yes. Yes, it's still spelled the same way.

Oh, Feinstein. Yeah, I don't know. You know, you got to be mindful of the kids nowadays. Sure. Kids are all worked up. They're in the frenzy. Yeah, they are.

Yeah. I mean, I think like if it's, if I was going to change it, it would be O Feinstein. O Feinstein. To be more Catholic. Yeah.

I've always loved Catholics, you know, why not? Yeah. That would be funny. Coming to the stage, Rachel O Feinstein. Rachel's got a special.

I don't want to get that up while we still got everyone's retention right right on Netflix guy on Netflix now and Giannis just said that I look business casual which broke my heart because last time I was here I wore a shirt where I look like a fucking evil pirate and I regretted it the whole day and today I was like I gotta be cooler today and then I was like okay this is kind of cute i had somebody check my outfit i wore my fucking high tops i was like i'm like a beastie girl now and yannis was like oh business cash i was like god damn it i always look corporate i always look like a whore in a corporate video or

something yeah no you look like you're a commuting queen's girl going to the office god damn it i always end up looking like a real estate agent of a porn or like I work at like a medical office, but I do some whoring on the weekends or something. Right. It's not a full office. Like it's not. Right. Yeah.

I run too dumb for like a full real office. It's always like, yeah, like an office with some guy that's sexually harassing me kind of deal in flushing. The paycheck's good. The benefits are good. Yeah. But I handle it. You know, Anthony didn't mean none of that.

Yeah. He don't mean it. Yeah. You kind of look the other way because it's a job it's stable and stuff like that but yeah you definitely look like you're commuting to work on public transportation oh fuck god damn it i always look like that no it's fine i'm just kidding i bought these earrings from the dollar store and they're fake diamonds nobody would have known if they if you didn't but i'll tell you with this special you guys please watch it because i want to start writing Fake diamonds. Nobody would have known if you didn't say anything. I should have said it. You should have said anything. But I'll tell you, with this special, you guys, please watch it because I want to start writing UberX. And I want to make these real.

Yeah. So help mommy. How much do those go for, fake diamonds? My mother. They go. What was that right there? You were just fingering. I did like an imaginary finger blasting dance like this.

And then I said, I'm a mother to bring myself back into my body. It's like a tool I use for centeredness. Do you ever wonder when your kid sees your work? Yeah, it's not going to be good. One day she'll be tuning into this. Your name will come up in a YouTube search, and she will see your mom going like that. If she does try to watch my stuff i think the way i'll approach it is i'll i will send a cease and desist letter i'll somehow i'll threaten some

sort of legal action i think if she does try to watch my stuff that's how i'll handle that yeah she can't watch that no no no no no do you think they're gonna think that we're cool or do you think they'll be embarrassed and ashamed because you always notice that like family members always become like your least big fans yeah i always mention another comedian that their fans but they always go like that nate bargatze is great by the way that's what my own husband does every time i come home pete is like watching key and peel sketches from 10 years ago like and they'll be really funny sketches so i can't even be like oh that's dumb and you don't have good taste i'm like fuck that's funny but also like i have a netflix special on now he's like yeah but i saw you tape it i saw the tape like tim that's enough yeah

yeah yeah and they've seen you for years she's he's seen you for years yeah he's over he gets it yeah he usually watches like he will watch real dumb shit on college humor and like laugh really loud but if i'm like oh i'm on a thing like and I kind of want him to want to watch it. Yeah. He's just like, I'm all set here. I live with you. I already see enough of you. Yeah, I'll come home.

My wife will just be watching a Jessica Kirsten reel. Jessica is the funniest too. She is. There's nobody funnier than Jess. And it's like, I want him to have bad taste. At least when he watches real dumb shit on College Humor, I can like look down on him. And so I'm like, it's because he's too dumb for my comedy but then when he watches stuff that's really funny

it hurts now you named your daughter uh your daughter's got a kind of a male name traditionally are you nudging her towards we have transition that's almost opening the door we've only done the first there's not a lock on the door there no there isn't We've only done the first. There's not a lock on the door there. No, there isn't. We've only done the first surgery, but the second one's just, come on. It's just like a formality. I love a female with a guy's name. I always thought that was cool in school. It's so cool. I love it.

There was this girl, Jordan, in my school, and she was just the cool girl, and she went to real vacations. We went to outlet shopping in Redner, Pennsylvania, and Jordan went to like you know real vacations we went to like outlet shopping in redner pennsylvania and like jordan went to fucking islands and shit you know like and she was cool and cute and tiny in a way i was never tiny so i was like oh i'll give my kid a but her real name is elena francis elena francis oh that's your that's the real name that's her real name so did you name your daughter because of this girl jordan this stuck in your mind it was actually a few different influences there was a few you were in you were in like girl, Jordan, this stuck in your mind, a few different influences.

There was a few, you were in, you were in like a, uh, you were, you were in like an outlet mall and it just like one day I'm going to name my daughter. I just said androgynous name and she'll go on Island vacation.

Such a dumb. What I just said, by the way, is so ignorant. Like that's when you just know I come from not a scrap of money. Like there's not a coin behind me when I just said, and she went to like islands and shit. I couldn't even think of the islands. Like that's not, I should have let that thought finish in an oven before I fucking spewed it out.

I didn't even let that thought bake itself into an actual sentence. Yeah. Well, you're also hanging out at outlet balls. Yeah, I did. Which is not a fancy thing. No. No. Nobody comes for money and goes to the outlet ball.

We never took a, like a, a flight anywhere for vacation. Like we never flew anywhere. It was always just pencil somewhere in some swamp of a Pennsylvania town. Yeah. Up, we're going upstate Lake Georgia,

New York area would be like, we're going to Lake George. There's a Lake George income bracket. Yes. It's cotton candy. It's, there's a tattoo on dad income bracket yes it's cotton candy it's there's a tattoo on dad yeah we by the way we went for our honeymoon in lake george like and i'm pretty sure frankie was conceived there well you married into uh traditional working class firefighters all go to lake george yeah and then every time we go to bed and breakfast they'd be like you know what

they're gonna do next you know what the fucking government's gonna do that and i'm like can i have some eggs like what the fuck yeah they all assume that you're like you know you want to talk about a lot of the scams coming up you know have you met like a liberal firefighter they don't exist right now not in new york city not really they don't yeah and your husband does he get called cap a lot or what everybody calls him cap nothing but cap cap by the way everybody fixing our house building our house all the firemen that's not they're all firefighters that are not equipped to do the construction that they are actively doing in our house but it's like the mob they don't go outside you go you stay you keep it in the fucking family in a department yeah in a fire fire i talked about this in the special but i really thought that we had a ghost and then my my friend explained to me, she's like, no, it's because Vinny is doing your electricity.

That's why your lights are flickering. Oh, they're a little flickery. I full on got holy water at Giannis. Because they wouldn't stop flickering. I'm like, what the fuck? And my friend's like, no, it's because it's a fucking fireman doing that. Is he a licensed electrician? I mean.

We don't know. We don't know. It's anyone's guess. He would tell me that if I asked him. Yeah. But if I asked for a certificate, he'd block me. That's when they keep it all in the fire department. I was like, could I see his papers?

Then my husband would block me. Does your husband partake in the FDNY yearly basketball games or whatever they do? They do hockey. They do it at the garden. A softball. A softball and then hockey at the garden. He doesn't do the big one at the garden which i want to do i want to go and do mos when it's like the cops versus the firefighters like i would love to do that but he doesn't do that one but he was in an fdny basketball league for a while and uh he came

home with his jersey and i was like oh let me wash your stuff and he's like i don't know if you should wash it i'm like why i, why? I was doing laundry. And then he gives it to me. It's because the team is called, this is on a jersey, the Shockers. With, by the way, the thing. Yeah. With the two in the pink, one in the. Yeah.

And they named it after that? The Shockers. Oh, yeah. I was like, what the fuck, Pete? He's like, I didn't make it up. I wouldn't know you weren't. I was like, this is one, Pete? He's like, I didn't make it up. I just, I wouldn't know you weren't. I was like, this is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, that that was actually made on a jersey.

It was like an official FDNY team, the Shockers. Yeah. Is he, does he not cook at home because he's tired from cooking for the guys? No, he cooks. He cooks for like massive amounts. He cooks like he's cooking for the whole firehouse. They all cook. That's one perk. That's my thing that I always loved about firefighters.

They're like working class guys, but they can really fucking knock out a chicken franchise. They can. Have you tried Marty's fucking chicken franchise? They can make you a fat plate of ziti. They'll make it for the firehouse. Every time he cooks, it's for 16 men.

I'm like, it's just me, you, and Frankie. They're good cooks. They all, they can all cook. Because they cook. It's a part of their job. They have to cook the first few years at the firehouse. Now they don't cook and he's only Kip because once you like make rank, you know, you don't cook anymore.

Right. And the guys come by, they never call him Pete. They only call him Kip, you know, out of respect or whatever. He's the captain, yeah. And so one time actually, I don't know if I told you this last I was here, but one time I go by the firehouse, so they bounce around, they go to different houses. And one time he was at a house where they didn't know me.

They don't know I'm his wife. And you drop off food sometimes at the firehouse, or people will in the neighborhood. But Pete's told me they get kind of skeeved by it because if it's like from a store, that's nice. But like, they don I want some weird ladies, you know what I'm saying? Gangrenous fucking clam sauce or whatever.

So I stopped by and I brought cookies and they were like, they had like a bow on them and I gave it to one of the other firemen. I'm like, Oh, and I, I forgot he didn't know I was Pete's wife, you know?

And he's the captain that shift. So I just visible because people can see those fake diamonds. I would have never known I would have just been going wow Rachel's making money now 299 299 299

idiot so I go by the firehouse I'm like hey and I give it to one of the firefighters I was like these are for you guys. And he goes, I said, look, they're all tied up, showing him like it's from a bakery. I said, I didn't make them from a bakery. Look, they're all tied up. And he goes, you like to be tied up?

And then this other firefighter next to him was like, he was like, oh, boy. And he's like, we got an issue on our hands now. And so he grabs him and does kind of like this long walk around the rig, like a lap. And he's like, buddy,

let's talk for a second. And he walks around the rig and he comes back just white as a sheet. He was just fucking shaking. And I stayed and hung out for a while. Pete came downstairs.

He'd like smoked his dumb fat stick upstairs. He had no idea what happened. And I stayed and hung out for a while. Pete came downstairs. He'd smoked his dumb fat stick upstairs. He had no idea what happened. So I just hung out for a little while. I forgot about it because I know Pete wouldn't care. So we were all hanging out. And this guy's just sitting there fucking twitching. That's an uncomfortable situation. He probably still has a nickname based on saying that shit to the cap's fucking wife.

Because I'm his property. You can't speak like that to the fucking captain's prop. Yeah, they probably call him ropey or rope or shades of gray. What's up, shades of grays in there? Wow, I can't say that to the captain's wife. Yeah, he was like, buddy, let's have a little talk, okay? Come with me. Come here.

Let's talk. Yeah, no, you can't. That's Marcellus Wallace. That's the big guy's wife. That's like you can't that's marcellus what that's the big guy's wife that's like marcellus wallace in bold fiction you're right that's like some shit like that only difference he couldn't give a fuck he could care right told him in the car he probably forgot it as soon as it happened like he doesn't not jealous at all like he's i've had guys well they just in their defense they thought you were just a straight neighborhood girl

coming in with cookies or what'd they think, they thought you were just a straight neighborhood girl coming in with cookies, or what did they think? Yeah, they thought I was just some girl. You didn't announce yourself? You didn't go, hey. I wasn't like, hey, I belong to Captain Brennan. Hi, I'm a pair of cans that's officially the property of Captain Brennan. You just came. I wasn't like, I'm a rack that's Cap's property,

which is what I should have said. That's the way I think it's officially you're supposed to enter the firehouse. Yeah, I'm a rack. You're's Cap's property which is what I should have said that's the way I think it's officially you're supposed to enter the firehouse I'm a rack supposed to come in like with the patch on yes marked yeah you can't just come in as a stray woman with cookies and not expect to get a

comment from a firefighter yeah that's what they know he probably like he was like that was fun yeah fun that day and then buddy was like hey that was fun. Yeah, he probably was. I had a little fun that day. And then Buddy was like, hey, come on, man. He came back a different man. Like, he was like. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, he was unwell for the rest of that day. Because you know, he was probably waiting for the. Because like one time. Yeah. I shouldn't talk about this. Okay. No, do it.

Do it. I love when people say they shouldn't talk about it. That's what I want to hear. So basically, I was, I came by. I mean, I was on shouldn't talk about it. That's what I want to hear. So basically, I came by. I mean, I was on stage at the Cellar. And in the middle of my act, I was telling this story about how Pete calls me Big Guy. And that's his nickname for me. And then this guy said a few other jokes about being married to a firefighter.

Then all of a sudden, this guy runs on the stage, grabs the microphone from me, okay, and like wrestles it out of my hands and then and then starts talking to michael but it was a drunken smear of a sentence like it didn't even make sense and he didn't do it angrily he did it like i'm so drunk i think this is you and me it will end it together you know then he was immediately just dumb body lifted take it away so then i was like i thought he's just some random guy and then i realized he was aman, but I don't think he was FDNY. So then I go to Pete's firehouse the next day and I'm like, Hey, but they know each other sometimes in different states, different towns. So I'm like, Hey, um, this happened to me last night at the comedy cellar. And I tell the

story and I had a video, but I take a go to my pocket to get the video and they say no way i wonder if it was the exact fireman that it was and he didn't even work in their fight nowhere near them at all he's got a reputation yes and so then i'm like well what are the odds it's actually this guy i show him the video it's that guy okay so then by the way so then the guys are like oh shit and then this calm comes over the house and everybody's deciding what should be done about this. Just like in the mob. We got to sort this out. We got to take a few people to a lake and throw them inside. You know what I mean?

We got to put some bodies in the woods to fucking crunch the numbers and make it all come out and fucking wash. So they're like, ah, what should we do? And meanwhile, then this quiet comes over when everybody slowly looks over at Pete and he's just like eating cereal, just happy as a clam. And they're like, oh, wait, Cap clearly doesn't care about this at all. But still, I think there was discussions he had and something needed to be done. So then the next day, Pete didn't care again about any of this. But the rest of the guys were like, oh, we got to do something, make this right. So the next day, I guess Pete comes home and he gives me a letter of a typed apology from this guy.

Which, by the way, thank you for your apology. Dearest big guy. Dearest big guy. Dearest Mrs. Cap. I apologize. My drinking has gotten a little out of hand recently again. The guys know at the firehouse how much I struggle with this. I've always been a big fan of your comedy skits. I came there unbeknownst to me. You were on the lineup.

I was there to see Jim Norton. I love that fucking fag. Pretty similar. Yeah. Except for the word fag. I didn't know you were on there. I at that point was blacked out drunk. I come from a long line of firefighters. We have a pretty bad drinking problem. It goes back to the old country.

And I want to offer my biggest apologies. If I could come and cook a nice chicken franchise for your whole family. You're so close. Because you're not going to believe the next part. This is all very close. I could also do Asian, which I do for the guys on Tuesdays. You're not going to believe what I'm about to say. So this is how close you are, Giannis.

Not only did he write that pretty close to what you said, besides the word fag, but he was basically like, I didn't need less snow. I didn't know. And any admission of his own throbbing drinking problem. He was just like, I need less snow. I thought it would be fun if I got up there. Things got out of hand.

I'm a performer myself. I do some music on the side. And I apologize. I had no idea that you were, you know, Captain Brandon's wife, right? So I guess he knows him because a lot of the guys that, like, work outside the city know an FDMI firefighter,

whatever. So he knew him somehow. I think he's volley, what they call a volunteer firefighter. So, but I don't know for sure. Oh, that must be like an amateur porn star to a porno star. They're kind of like, you're not the real thing. But you're helping out, boys. Thank you for your service. So anyway, so he says, so he's like, you know, needless to say, I apologize.

I hope you take this with my deepest apologies. By the way, thank you. And then he gives them a cake because that's how you sort it out. In the firehouse, you bring a fucking cake. You start when you bring a cake. You start your shift in the firehouse. You bring a fucking cake. You start when you bring a cake. You start your shift in a new house, you bring a fucking cake. And by the way, different cakes, different things.

Really? Yes. So this is the unwritten rules of how it goes. It's all communicated through pies because these men aren't going to deal with their emotions. They're going to come home, punch a microwave, and fucking get on with it. They come in there, they see a key lime pie,

they go, who said what to somebody about somebody's wife? There's a key lime pie on with it. You know, they're all- They come in there, they see a key lime pie, they go, who said what to somebody about somebody's wife? There's a key lime pie on the table. I know an infraction happened. You don't talk about a wife. The key lime pie, we're all sorted out. Yeah. We're all sorted out. Pretty much.

And you got to go real nice. Like, for example, if you want to get into like a new division, you want to move neighborhoods, you go by, you meet the fucking commander, and you bring a fucking nice pie. Sweet, good bakery fucking pie. Also, you bring a fucking nice pie Sweet good bakery fucking pie Also you bring your wife You fucking clean everybody up nice

You say I'm a good fucking Catholic boy And here's a fucking apple fucking pie So that's what this guy did And then apparently it was amazing cake Was it like an intimates? Was it in a box? No it wasn't in a box Cause I guess he decided I was worth a little more than I'm actually worth.

No, but it sounds like a guy who would do that at the show would definitely go to a bodega and get you an Entenmann's. He might have put it in a different box. He might have taken it out of the Entenmann's box. Which is a wild move. And put a candle in it. Yeah. A candle is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why would there be a candle?

I don't know. They put a candle in it or just like brought it in a bag. A candle is so funny. The idea that they would have a candle in it is hysterical. They could celebrate something. Celebrating what? Exactly what they'd be celebrating. It's amazing.

They're celebrating, you know, that, listen, we can have these moments where we accidentally threaten another person's property. And in their mind, they probably figured like, you know, by the way, the letter, I mean, the cake was brought to the firefighters, not to me. Because it's like, you know, why would you, it's kind of like if you backed your car into another man's garage door, you wouldn't

bring a fucking cake for the garage door. You'd bring a cake for the man. So it's sort of like Islam in that way. The apology has to go through the bed yeah yeah on pete's property so he he had to bring the cake home to you on behalf of uh this volunteer firefighter from out of state yeah and he was like oh but by the way no he didn't bring it home to me he left the guys had it no he was like oh it's delicious i'm like do i get a fucking slice, Pete?

Not a slice for me. No, the whole fire fighter, they had at it. They figured beef was squash. Cake was delightful. I'm like, I'm the one who got accosted on stage. I don't get to chase this chocolate mousse. Pete's like, eh, went by fast. Now, this guy, he had no idea that you were married to Cap? No.

You think? No, he didn't. It was just unfortunate luck. I don't believe he knew no idea that you were married to Cap? No. You think? No, he didn't. It was just unfortunate. I don't believe he knew. I'll take it a step further. I don't think he knew what state he was in that evening. He was hammered. The woman with him was like, oh, she was so disgusted. He had a date. Imagine

you're on a date and that happens. Oh, yeah. And your date runs up on a stage. That's always when you're... That's a big wild card when you're a fireman and you take a person on a stage. That's always when you're... That's a big wild card when you're a fireman and you take a person on a date to a bar where there's alcohol. Things can get a little crazy.

Was he dressed in jeans and Timbaland boots? He had some jeans and a shirt on and a big, thick mustache. They're all big firefighters because you have to be able to carry your body weight plus 20. Yeah. That's one of the things.

How did you do 20? I never even knew how much. Because, you know, I do a little firefight myself. You took that city test? I took that city test. You know, I failed it. I became a cop and then I studied again and I went back and took the fire exam.

You know, a lot of guys who becomes cops in new york fail the fire test and that's why they become cops there's a lot of uh guys who dreamt about being in the firehouse who who have to settle for uh busting busting up teenagers on the street like the slim comments it's the truth though what if you got shot for saying that again what if you got shot a second time slim comments. It's the truth, though. What if you got shot for saying that again? What if you got shot a second time for saying that? I know, but it's the truth. Because it's so much easier. The test to become a firefighter.

This is undone. Oh, my God. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, I mean, you're a mess. It's not good. Go ahead. What were you saying? Did you eat before you got here?

My fly wasn't down, at least. God damn it, I'm a pig. Yeah, the beginning of that podcast, people probably didn't hear a word we said because they were just looking at your button open oh god i'm dumb i really thought i meanwhile i was even discussing my outfit and what a cool like action outfit i had on no you look great you look like yeah you look like you could help me find a dress in rainbow the store damn it this does look like it's from Daffy's. I always do this to myself. You do look like you. God damn it, I should have taken such a big risk today.

Excuse me, ma'am, where's the Levi's? Macy's? I'm at Macy's right now. Can I pay over there? It's definitely a work at Macy's outfit. God damn, it's a Payless shoe store outfit. I just realized I look like I work at Payless.

So you want those in 8T? Yeah, like a 30. You have anything in 33, 29? That's not going to be a problem. I'm just going to do a bump in the bathroom, and I'll be right back with you. I'll circle back, all right? Oh, God damn it.

Special's great. I watched it. It's so funny. You watched it? It's on Netflix right now. I'm always shocked when people actually watch it. You didn't actually watch it. Let's be honest. Of course I watched it. Don't do that on the podcast. You watched it. Just go with the flow. I watched it. It's so funny. You watched it? I'm always shocked when people actually watch it. You didn't actually watch it. Let's be honest.

Of course I watched it. Don't do that on the podcast. You watched it. Just go with the flow. I watched it. You're right. You're right. My therapist would agree with you.

He'd say, why would you undercut yourself? Why would you undercut yourself? Take it in. Take the compliment in. Thank you, Giannis. It's hilarious. You're one of the funniest people I know. You always make me genuinely laugh.

I'm crying now. You make me genuinely laugh. It's very funny. laugh like i'm crying now like i just make me genuinely laugh and it's very funny there's stories about the fam about the about your living situation yeah big guy your nickname thank you for watching i'm gonna learn to internalize that that's how i laugh with you every time i laugh with yannis like nobody else because you just don't give a fuck and we don't think that we are like intellectuals telling people how to think about it and you know you're always just fun and still actually yeah that's

true you do never mind i've seen you on twitter at like 2 a.m i take back everything i've just said yeah less i think i'm doing it i'll be like i'll be like falling asleep and i'm like all of a sudden i'll get like a twitter thing and i'm like oh maybe i'll open it for a second then yannis be like with the ottoman input i'm like oh boy think I'm gonna, I think it's lights out. There's a reason there's no screens after 11 here. What's it like being a mother now? You're a mother. It's fun.

Now it's getting really funny and fun. She does have tantrums sometimes in public, which is unfortunate because she's really tall. So it looks like I can't control my like seven year old. And people look at me like, what the fuck? You know, cause she's very, very tall. Like Frankie is going to be like five, 10. So it looks like I, you know, like she,

I've not taught her respect yet when she has a public tantrum, you know, and they're like little late for that respect lesson. But she's not at school though. She gets a listening sticker every day. And, and stick kids love stickers. A sticker. That's all it though. She gets a listening sticker every day. And kids love stickers. A sticker. That's all it takes. They go nuts for a sticker.

One fucking sticker. Yeah, you can't even do anything with the sticker, but they love the stickers. They love that sticker. And every day I go, did you get your listening sticker? And she loves to show me. And one day I was like, did you get your listening sticker? And she goes, sadly, no. Sadly, no.

A little condescending. That's pretty sophisticated language. she was like sadly no mom she yeah she's very funny and she kind of like knows that i'm not important i talk about it in the special but in general she just sort of like looks at me like she said to me the other day there's no way you know that and i'm like there's no way you know i don't know that what the fuck yeah like she's still she knows that i'm not a source of final information about anything and that kind of hurts because i'm like you've been here four years like you should believe everything i say right but she probably seen you a few times kind of fumbling for where your keys are yeah she's like no doesn't know what's going on unfortunately also she thinks only men can like fix things

because because pete fixes everything like so like when daddy gets home and she's like but you're not strong enough right like she said that to you i'm like no i'm strong and she goes well try fixing this and i'm like circle back she she gets it she sees what's going on in the house she knows she knows does she know what you do the funny thing is actually that you asked that My daughter knows what I do She does? Daddy makes people laugh

I wanted one more fan Yeah So I bragged about it right away I was like here's where you can give me a view So like you know I showed her stuff on YouTube and I was like I got to count up one That's so cute What did she say when she saw you on YouTube? I just showed her stuff on YouTube and I was like I got to count up one That's so cute What did she say when she saw you on YouTube?

I just showed her like a little Sure of course That joke you make about cunts Yeah I didn't show her like I didn't show her a crowd work clip from a small show I thought you showed her that 7 minute porn bit About what kind of porn

No obviously you didn't But she's going to find that stuff Sure no I just think it's funny that you had to say that Like, obviously he didn't. But she's going to find that stuff. Sure. No, I just think it's funny that you had to say that. Like, of course, I don't think you showed her like a, I don't know, I'm trying to think of your filthiest bit.

But there's probably a bit about porn. Maybe if I want to just like, you know, just really rip the bandaid off and be like, look. Daddy says disgusting things. Well, what I did is I just put the Maurice wig on

and just woke her up in the morning. Said, this is what daddy does when he's at work. I love Maurice so much. We're going to have, yeah, it's just, I always think about that. It's just, we have real, I think it's cool. I think they're going to think it's cool. I think so.

I'm sure it'll also embarrass them like all kids. They'll probably like half think it's cool, half embarrass them. And then later over time, they'll think it's cooler. Like if they're a teenager, they might for a minute be like oh yeah and then be like oh okay you know yeah but like she doesn't if so i've talked a lot to her about firefighters if he doesn't like talk about me so no information is going to come about my career unless it's through me so wait he's he's catholic right he's catholic yeah they don't

talk catholics don't it all gets pushed down. Yes. You push it down and down, and you put Miller Lite above it. That's how it works. You pour it down. It comes up. It's always a battle between the feeling and the liquid. And the feeling comes up, and the liquid goes down, and then it just kind of keeps it at bed.

Yeah, yeah. Feeling comes up. It's like, ah, okay. He had a firefighter over for like five hours the other day. All day long long they were doing something in the yard and then they smoked cigars after and they were like doing some kind of work and then i came home and he's a neighbor of ours and i was like i i was coming back from something and i'm like how are you oh my god you should invite your wife over we should have dinner for

her and he's like oh we got divorced and i was like what and i'm like p and p goes no kidding and like he was like eating a chip but i'm like that's... You don't say no kidding when your friend says he's going through a divorce, you moron. That would be funny, though, if he went out there. He ate a chip and never asked about it again. He's like, no kidding. That would be funny, though, if you went out there and they were smoking a cigar, having a couple cold ones, and you're like, what are you guys talking about? Oh, we're talking about

intergenerational trauma and how my family didn't talk about it. That would be so much funnier. You're right. I'm like, later on, I'm like, you need to call him like you need to text him and i and then i kept reminding him i'm like you need to see how he's doing like he's struggling with this like he told you he was in front of me yeah he's like you sure he said like it was like a weird rumor that got around i'm like yeah he said it remember in front of us that it was he was having a hard time? He's like, eh, I don't know.

And then I asked him, did you? He's like, I forgot. But yeah, why don't you? Like he, even when he has to text somebody, he'll be like, what do I write? Like if like a friend's grandma died. I'm like, what you write when a friend's grandma dies? Like, but he doesn't even know the sentence. No kidding, period.

I heard your grandma died, comma. No kidding. Yo, you butthurt, son bought her son no kid yeah that's crazy he doesn't know he has no idea here's a cake but anyway so he wouldn't tell her that that i'm a comedian so um i don't think he would ever explain that to her so she i asked her once do you know what i do and she said you go to the comedy cellar, like a specific club. And then I showed her just about, or no, somebody else showed her a few days ago that I was on television.

Do you want to hear what they said about it? It's pretty funny. So she was staying at her aunt's house overnight. And hold on. Is that your phone protector? No, because I lost my phone thing case, of course. I love how you said that you're like that track yeah it's phone is very vulnerable right now i know it's not good and then i order

one amazon is the wrong size yeah i'm doing my best i work at payless all right you have add right i'm teaming with add like i lose things every single day like i just lost a debit card tried to order a new flight with the new debit card then lost that debit card like that's every day of my life have you been diagnosed with add have you done when i was like 11 yeah like and then a lot of other things like they were trying to figure it out like i was like suction cups like i had scans on my brain because they were like what's going on like we can't teach this bitch anything yeah there was always testing and a lot of a lot of hush discussions about me i my mom was always on the phone like you know what i think it is i think she's got figure ground disorder which was

one thing she thought i had because apparently it's like something where you can't tell the difference between one person speaking in a sea of voices like like for example if there was a directive to a class like i would have been able to hear that like i can hear it bitch i'm just not paying attention to it yeah right other things are more fun in my own mind but it was like i'm like from very young people are like oh we got a real problem on our hands right at school right like when i even smell a school and brings me back to like how everybody was always just like like one time they thought i was in the middle math class and then they realized that i was so shocked i'm like the middle but I'm the low lowest of everything and the whole family was shocked like my aunts were called and my mom's like and it doesn't make any sense because she's been the

lowest and everybody's like well now there's got to be a reason well maybe she's just in the middle maybe she is and then there was a second call from the teacher that in fact they'd made a great mistake. Yeah. I remember just being like, ah, like wailing. Oh, she said, we told Frankie that you were, we told her that you were on television and we showed her. And I was like, oh, how did she respond to that? And she said she didn't seem too interested, wanted to watch Mario. That was sort of the end of it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She was just like, I don't know what mommy's doing on there. That's so funny. That's like Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was just like, I don't know what mommy's doing on there. That's so fun. That's like fun. Yeah. Yeah.

She was like, eh. Yeah. No, they're not, that's not their world right now. They're too young

to know that TV is kind of like a thing. Like, you know, so she's like, why would she be on in that box? Like,

I want to watch something better in that box. I was, I was like an ad, a pop-up ad. You're just like talking in the box.

Yeah. She's like, that's not fun. Like, play with some oversized some oversized weird you know toys like they do in those weird disturbing youtube videos that i watch yeah yeah yeah my daughter's all in the paw patrol and yes and uh spidey and friends yeah frankie loves paw patrol and does she like mario and princess peach and all that kind of stuff frankie's pretty into princess Peach. She's more into Blaze, the talking truck. How about Up? Does she like Up or any of the Disney? How about Elsa?

Bluey, Frankie loves Bluey. Elsa was quick. Really? Frankie's still pretty into Frozen. Yeah. Probably straight. My daughter, I think, might think my daughter's going to play softball. Is your daughter not a girly girl? She's both. She's a girly girl.'s both she's she's a girly girl like she

likes pinks her favorite color i guess that's girly right she likes wearing like her girly shoes which is it's funny because when you're a parent it's almost like you're in a loony bin right so she'll you like you're taking care of mentally ill people yeah of course she'll go outside and like her dancing shoes she'll have like her shorts on and her dancing shoes she just wants to wear dancing shoes to go on the slide like a crazy old woman would it's so funny that you say that because yesterday frankie got her babysitter gave her these high-heeled shoes and like i let her wear them around the house but she can't wear high-heeled shoes to school so the next morning she had shorts and like a tank top on for school and wanted to wear high heels and i was like no you can't wear those to school then um she threw like a fit you know i think she said don't talk

on me ever again don't talk on my face ever again she always says that and i get what she means like i i kind of understand that and then so i go to the room i come back downstairs she has the shoes on pete put her in the shoes and he's like getting her in the car i'm like peach you can't wear high heels shoes to school so now I'm the asshole that takes her out of high heels. And I try to walk him back through that decision. I'm like, did you, why would you think that she could go to

three kids? Fathers just say yes. Would you do that? Would you put your kid in high heels shoes to school? You guys are so dumb. You can't say no to little girls. It's a thing that they learn very early that they just can't say no to little girls. It's a thing that they learn very early that they just can't say no and then the little girl gets wind

of it and then just shakes off like, Daddy, I want to stop. We'll be going home and she's like, oh, I saw something in the window and she wants it and I'll stop and I'll get it for her. She wants a lollipop and she wants an ice cream and it's just mom's the bad guy.

Mom's the, because you guys are just more nurturing and responsible. Right, right. And we're just like their best fucking buddies. Yeah, it'll be like 11 at night if I have a spot

and I come home and they're like jumping on the bed. I'm like, she has to get up for school at seven. I'm like, I'm not doing this to be an irrational twat. I'm doing this

because she's not going to want to get out of bed. That's right. Like I always try to explain to them, like I don't say no to say no. I'm a comedian. I'm where the party's's not going to want to get out of bed. That's right. Like I always try to explain to him like I don't say no to say no. I'm a comedian. I'm where the party's at.

Like I just don't want her to I have to wake her up tomorrow. Yeah. There's something about just you can't say no. They just melt you. You just completely melted. I'm like that with stuff.

Like if she wants something it's so interesting to me to know what she wants that I just end up getting her way too much stuff because I'm like I wonder why she like it's me

it's fascinating still because she's still the first human I've made. So I'm like, oh, wow, I made a human that, like, wants things in stores. Are you going to do more? No, it's a wrap, I think. It's a wrap. Yeah, because I can't.

Like, I had a miscarriage, and then, like, we, you know, we went through shit, so. No, I always say that on podcasts because I'm fine. I've way gotten over my carriage. But I want people to know because a lot of people go through that. It was my personal Holly. But a lot of people know, and I think I was meant

to have one, but a lot of people go through that. I feel like you get what you were kind of supposed to have. Yeah, what I deserve. Deserve is so funny. No, I say it not like, we don't have to play soft piano music because it's been like six years. But I just say it so that I feel like a lot of people have gone through that and they don't talk about it.

So I always talk about it. Missy's happen. Girls have Missy's. Little miss, little miss, little carriage. Yeah. So I feel like I was supposed to have one. So it's a wrap and, you know, peek out of a sex me. So it's snip, snip.

So it's snip, snip and the Missy and it's just done. Yes. One little girl. They told me I couldn't have any. They told me, the doctor told me I couldn't. Didn't your mom be like, didn't suggest like adopting a whole African tribe? Of course. I would want to adopt a whole, I don't know, an entire tribe.

But yeah, my mom of course her wish for us was that we adopted anyone that was beige or darker. Those are her words. No, but I was like, I wanted to actually, when I thought we couldn't have a baby, I was like, oh, we could adopt. But then he didn't want to. He wanted to have a baby. But then the doctor said it wasn't possible.

So then we were looking into other stuff like you can do like different, you get like a donor egg or whatever. Yeah. But then, and they told us we couldn't even do ivf but then i was just pregnant yeah one tuesday yeah yeah they were like be here she's meant to be here frankie's meant to be here she's in it for the win she's in it to win it she's in it to win it she came here the old fashion way yeah that was it did you like being pregnant were you able to work when you were pregnant i hid it the entire time like i was like a catholic girl that like like fucked her boyfriend when she was 14 you why'd you hide it i don't know yeah a lot of people later were like yeah why did you do that well i mean i kind of know but i don't fully know

how extreme i took it i you guys were married right we were married it wasn't like and i whispered they're like yeah that's kind of okay with your husband you feel like you're doing something wrong i feel like it was just it wasn't that dumb there was sort of a reason but i took it too far and i was dressing like b arthur everybody thought i was fat i was wearing like long capes and shit everybody thought i was wearing fat capes um it's funny that you hid your pregnancy for no reason no no there was a reason i i hid it because at the beginning but it got crazy i hid it because I had sold this pilot to Fox and then I found out I was pregnant right after I sold it. And they basically gave the verbal approval that they wanted to, you know, order it. And, and so it was like a, you know, they were like, yeah,

they like bought the scripts, but then they were like, basically we're going to order the pilot. And I was like, they're not going to want to shoot around my pregnancy. And then I discussed it with some people and they were basically like, yeah, they're not around you being fat. Right. I guess you're right. That's a really good point. Cause I would have been really fat,

but I wanted that order first. But then I kept thinking about it and I was like, I don't want to lie to people like the writers and all the people that I'm working with on this pilot. So I'm just going to tell them the truth. So I told everybody and they were like, Oh, we'll just order it later. Like it's fine. We, you know, we won't, they don't want to shoot around the pregnancy. They don't want me to holding a laundry basket, but it's cool. Well, it'll still happen. We just won't order it till

later. But that was still kind of a verbal agreement. You know what I mean? And then COVID happens. So the pilot never went forward. Yeah. These are some of the struggles that women have to go through in show business. Yeah. so that's what I was thinking about. Don't get pregnant, don't. And there was no one bad man in a room. It was like, no, but everybody, but it was kind of like, no, you know what I mean? But I think it was supposed to happen that way

for a lot of reasons. Like, I feel like I wasn't really ready for some things that right at that moment. And it gave me the time COVID in my life happened at the, it was sad because I was pregnant and like a little freaked out. And then my family couldn't meet her for a while. But it was nice because I got this nesting time with my baby where the world sort of stopped while I was just, you know, being having a newborn. So that was kind of cool.

Yeah, we had that, too, during COVID. Really? Yeah. I didn't know you had a baby was during COVID. That's right. Yeah. So how old is your daughter again? She's going to be four. I think her and Frankie are in the

same right around the same age. Is your daughter's birthday the same as my second daughter? When her birthday is May 20th. Oh, no. Yeah. So your party was way off from her birthday. Yes, it was. What was a few weeks later? Yeah. Yeah. Because my special was like May 21st

and I was doing all this press and I wanted to be able to like fully focus on her birthday party. So I had it like the next week. It was pretty cute. It was cute, right? She loved it. I mean, she did kick me in the bathroom because I tried to wipe some peanut butter off her face.

But besides that. They do. They are a little violent. There'll be sudden bursts of violence. And then the rest of the time she's, she does a lot of hugging and like gentle kissing of girls sometimes like her friends and they'll be like beat it like i'm not it's not the moment right now she'll be like playing ball with a girl and then she'll just stop and like face rake her real softly and they kick me in the bathroom it's all the emotions are mixed in with the toddler yeah because you're watching you're watching a human being in its natural

state before it's developed yeah before it's developed any social decorum so it's like they just act on their emotions so my wife will say something she doesn't like and she'll just swing at her it's so funny that's what we want to do as adults but you don't because you can't do that but kids are just like I feel this and I hate

you for this one second and they just swing and then it's over. And then they're like happy again. They're like dogs almost a little bit. It's true. Like a minute later. She's like, what happened?

Yeah. Nothing went down. Yeah. What do you mean yesterday? What do you mean yesterday? But nobody at the party saw any of that. So the party, like because that happened in the bathroom where she gave me a nice, nice kick. But the party was she

was very delighted the entire time they had like they did musical chairs they did all this different these different little princess peach activities it was at a play space so it was pretty insane and i told her a few days too early though so every day she just was like crying at night because it wasn't her party yeah i'm like it's gonna happen in a few days so that every night by the way she doesn't just cry she cries like this it's not my party and i'm like yeah no it's saturday just relax you know she's like okay and then she goes like this in her hands and her whole body shakes but she won't let me give her a hug i'm like oh break it no no like it's this private it's like It really looks like the storm of grief Like the way you would cry when like a parent dies

That's how when I told her it was just two days later Than she thought it was Yeah it's so funny my daughter is the same way Really did she do that really tragic crying Yeah is it the party yet And then when the jumpy house Until my wife just exploded and go like Fucking no

Like she just couldn't wait and it wasn't even her party it was her sister's party right any party for frankie too she was just like is it the party yet like it's parties today every day now it's every day you can't tell him shit until like three fucking minutes before it happens otherwise it's a disaster they just want can't have no concept of patience. You know what else is really funny is that her school gives me these, they'll tell you how things are going.

And it's usually pretty positive reports, but when they say that there's an issue, it's so funny and it's so hard to keep a straight face because they're just like, well, there was an issue with, and you want to be like, oh my God, yeah. But the issues are so funny. And so I have to be like, be an adult, not a be an adult not a comedian like because the kind of the comic in me immediately just

thinks it's hysterical when there's like an adult being like there was an incident today and they'll be like Frankie didn't want to rotate as much like she really wanted to stay in the kitchen but we're having trouble getting her to rotate to some of the other stations in class and I'm like what's not hilarious about that? It's just so funny. And I'm supposed to be like, I hear that. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, yeah.

You know, and let me work with her on rotating stations. Like, come on. Yeah. Yeah. But then, and then they were like, and then when she did start going to the other stations, they were like, she's going to the other ones now. And I was like, thank God, because what would have happened

if she just stayed in the same station? Nothing at all. None of it. it it's all unless you're like your kid is rocking and staring at the carpet it's fine yeah it's fine you don't have to report to me that she stayed in the station yeah she's a kid she kicked me in the she kicked me in the back in the bathroom yeah yeah i mean she stayed in her station she's four yeah it's fine also that's the best station the kitchen one well that's we can play pretend we do some magnet tiles fuck off oh yeah you're right only call me when she's that age if she is not picking up on social cues she's not making if she's yeah yeah if she's pooing in her pants and throwing it at people besides that i don't need to know she's's being a kid. They're so funny,

the things that they tell you. Yeah, and it's like ludicrous, utter nonsense, you know? And then, but I still, but because I'm her mom, I still bought her toys from all the other stations

and played with them at the home. So I half know it's nonsense, but I'm also like, okay, let me see if I can, because I also don't want somebody to look at her and like see her as a problem because once that happens sometimes,

that locks in, you know? And then they were like, she's rotating now. And I was like, thank God. I was so freaking scared. What do you mean rotating? Like I'm trying to- There's four stations in the class.

There's like a block station. So they're just teaching them to be good, stay at home moms? Pretty much. Like here's the, rotate to the laundry. There's a kitchen station. There's a block station. Actually, no, I think they want them to be good stay-at-home moms. Pretty much. Like, here's the lunch. Rotate to the laundry. There's a kitchen station. There's a block station.

Actually, no. I think they want them to be like government workers. Because there's like a block station. And then there's a station where you play with things with your hands, which they call manipulatives. And I'm like, it's kind of a fancy word for nothing at all. They're just like playing with some rocks or something. They'll be like, when did she move over to the manipulatives? And I had to look up what that meant.

They make up things to make it more complicated than it is. She went to play with rocks. She played with some rocks or something. Yeah, there's like four stations. And she wanted to stay in the kitchen area. See, the fact that your mind couldn't grasp onto what it was says everything. Like, basically, the problem, the imaginary problem was that she didn't want to go to the other stations as much as she. By the way, I'm like, what a good way to live.

It's like trade school. Figure out what you like and don't do the rest of it. You think I still give up. I never gave a fuck about algebra and I never will. And I was never going to use it and I never will. You know, she likes the dress up and the, you know, play pretend. Yeah. But now she's rotating more.

And so we weathered this very scary storm as parents. And I fell into a low grade depression. But we, our marriage survived. But now she's rotating more. And so we weathered this very scary storm as parents. And I fell into a low-grade depression. But our marriage survived, thank God. But now she rotates well. Yeah, she rotates really well. I always wonder at what age you can tell if they're good at something so I can, like, you know, tiger mom her. Oh, yeah. I want to push her like the USSR used to.

I see any bit of talent, I'm pushing her. Yeah. You know, I saw some video about like a little kid who like, he has like, he can only see out of one eye. He's like blind in one eye and he has like a perfect, what's it called in golf? Perfect swing. Yeah. Perfect swing. And they brought him around. He's doing all the media laps and everything. He was like

on channel five and the mom's like, we didn't even know. And then one day a golf commercial and there is a small part of me that wants that to happen of course because that'd be so interesting amazing talent like this this bitch didn't even play golf like nobody in the family was into golf yeah there was not a golf club around and then all of a sudden he was just picking up house like sticks in the yard and just a perfect pitch and now he's like being studied by like teams of scientists yeah i do it would be Yeah, I have to say,

I think my daughter at this point, pretty unremarkable. There hasn't been anything that's really... Yeah, Frankie hasn't reached any wild heights. I've kicked the ball to her, and they're like, kick it, come on. I want that. And the Jerry Maguire where she just launches it.

I've said a big word to see if she remembered it. Have you ever had a public tantrum with her where you're in public in front of people or in a place where you can't leave, like where everyone's judging you? What happened? Yeah. We were at the mall.

Well, you didn't do anything probably. Your wife did everything. So you were probably leaning on something. I had to pick her up once. I had to pick her up once. She didn't want to leave the amusement park. We were at an amusement park in Long Island. So, I mean, a fit isn't the word.

Like she screamed like we were abusing her. And I was carrying her. She was like contorting her body. And then we were trying to get her in the car. And she wouldn't get in the car. And then she was like laying on the asphalt in the middle of the parking lot screaming at the top of her lungs screaming where were you thinking while this was going i was thinking other people are thinking that we're horrible parents it looked like we were kidnapping a child right when i was

on the way out of the amusement park it looked like i just stolen her yeah and because we were trying to get out of there swiftly. And anything you do as a man, by the way, looks sketchy. It looks sketchy. With a little girl. And I was telling my wife to keep up just so there was a woman present with me so it didn't look like I was a... That's so funny that you were like, keep up with my

run so people don't think I'm a file. That's amazing. But I understand it. You're like, I'm getting pedo vibes. People are going to think I'm a fucking... Yeah, you're right. But I get it. You're you're like, I'm getting pedo vibe. Like, people are going to think I'm a fucking, yeah, you're right. But I get it. You're in such dicey territory when you're a guy. Like, you can't say another little girl's cute. Like, you had to watch your mouth.

That's for sure. I can't go to my own daughter and they go, sure it is, pal. And then the next thing I'm fucking getting beat up by four guys. That's so funny that you told your wife to keep up. I can just see you saying that. Like, keep up. Come on. Get the file vibes.

Because, like Because my brother told me once that my niece had a tantrum in the airport and she was screaming and my brother wanted her to try to pee before they did something because he knew she was going to pee in her pants. She was screaming at the top of her lungs to my brother who's a really introverted guy.

He was walking her through the airport and she was screaming, I told you I don't want to take my underwear off Daddy I told you I don't want to take my underwear off stop making me do it and my brother was just like God no and he was

alone just with a little girl saying I'm not going to keep taking my panties off Daddy yeah when you have to bring them in I was in the mall with her and she had to go to the bathroom and then you have to bring them in i was in the mall with her and she had to go to the bathroom and then you got to bring her into the family room it's just a guy and a girl you just feel like you just you feel like you want to say i'm her dad tell her dad yeah yes say daddy i'm her dad it's okay because it just feels yeah everything yes you're

in dicey territory as soon as they start throwing a fit and you're a guy in a public place. It's not good. There's somebody looking going like, is this little girl safe? However, you guys could do anything at all and they would give you a fucking medal. They would act like you were father of the fucking year. You know?

Yeah. Like you could, I mean, it's amazing what people will say about like male comics. Like, you know, Sam Merrill and people will say about like male comics like like you know we're uh sam murrell and i were talking about a male comic i won't say who but he was like oh you know he actually doesn't cheat on his wife on the road and i'm like that's not a compliment like you fucking idiot you know he's like he's a great dad never cheats on his wife like you could be on the road for half the year just like doing like a fucking keg stand for most of your child's life.

And they'd be like, you know, father of the year, you know, like I go away for two days and they treat me like I'm Casey Anthony. They're like, how do you do it

when she's overnight? Meanwhile, I'm like, he's at the firehouse for most of the week. Like I do most of the parent. You think I've ever go away for one night

without a team of people like helping my husband be a full human. No, because like they, he, otherwise he'll dress her like Steve jobs. Like he doesn't know what he's doing.

Yeah. There's like, I'm outfits are laid out. There's like, I have a staff there basically like my mother and somebody's stopping by. And there's still just like with Pete, like it must be so hard, which I'm like,

he's been away for like days and days, like half of every week. Yeah. You guys get no credit and you do most of the work. I am way off the bench when it comes to raising my daughter. I'm like, I get called in like I'm last option. When there's an emergency, I will come and do things wrong. Yeah.

Yeah. And whenever we have a discussion about like a choice that we were making with Frankie, Pete's usually playing chess on his phone while he's having it. I'm like, put the chess away. And he's like, yeah, no, it's all the same. I'm like, he's not nothing. You're thinking about your move in the chess, on chess.com right now. Like, listen to one conversation.

Yeah. Can't do it. But like, he, and he's with her, and she adores him, and he loves to do all the things. Like, he's a good dad. He does all the fun stuff. She's always going with him everywhere. But like, in terms of any real decision about like, oh, is she this or this? Like, yeah, it's the mom. And so we were at her school.

Even she has like a little interview for her preschool. It's public three K, but you meet ahead of time. So I'm like the orientation, like I'm telling him again and again, twice he forgets about it. And it's like, oh,

you know, didn't know whatever. So we had to reschedule it twice. Like this looks bad. Like we're both supposed to be there this time. Be there. Comes rolls in 45 minutes late you know i've been there for 45 minutes just cursing my mind and they're all like

thank you for your service just by the way his pants were falling down like you wouldn't wear a belt like what was going on with your pants like your ass was out and they were like oh you walked all the way over to this building how did you you do it? You're a hero. Thank you, sir. Yeah. My wife always tells firefighters, thank you for the service. It's very uncomfortable for me. We're just walking

and just a bigger, fitter man in a uniform and my wife would just be like, thank you for your service. Oh, man. Do we have to do that? Do we have to say that right now? Right as he's clocking her ass. It's so masculine. You're welcome for my service. Do we have to say that right now? Right as he's clocking her ass. So emasculated.

That's why men never want somebody to call the fire department. There could be smoke in their house. They need to see a lot of flames to call 911. But women will be like, there's a weird smell in here. And then there's five guys with boots showing up at their house. And this guy's got his head in his hands just emasculated, you know? And like Pete says like a lot of the calls he gets are like smelly, odory guests, but it was none at all, you know? And just like some guy with his head down just pisses his wife for calling.

And the girl's just like, ah, ah, ah. She's just blasting the day away after these guys leave he did that actually for me once when we were dating i was i couldn't get this is so dumb i couldn't get out of my apartment because the door i couldn't figure out the door and i was like something fell out and then knob wasn't working so you need to like i need a screwdriver or something but i don't have like tools i'm not you know i had nothing locked in locked in yeah and i had to be at like serious for something so you just locked in you can't figure locked in the door like it was like the screw it needed just a tool kit to like screw it back in like the doorknob fell out you know so i called him like 9-1-1 emergency

we were dating at the time like we didn't even live together yet and i was like i can't get out of my apartment like you know and he was like probably thought it was like a sexy fun call at the beginning like i'm gonna come over there and she's gonna be like in some sort of outfit but it was really just rachel trapped in the bathroom completely he's like what's wrong with this girl she can't figure out did he come and just turn it no he didn't come he sent guys because he was in a different like job my wife three men came and and knocked my door down with an axe and by the way it took it took a while and they destroyed the whole door you know so there was something really wrong with the knob no it was just like they didn't have the tools they couldn't they had to

just break in because they couldn't like oh you know i needed the screwdriver inside i didn't have any tools i just need to screw the door knob back in so i could open it properly but i'd have any tools and i had to be at serious at 9 20 you know gotta do the bonfire so i was like oh my god it's an emergency you know pete's like all right sit over some guys because he was still trying to get laid like where we'd probably just started dating you know so then like four men one of them looked like jfk jr it was fucking. They knocked down my whole door, by the way. And I'm very ashamed to admit this and have never admitted this in any public sphere. And I will actively regret it as soon as I say it because these guys could see it. But as they were banging it down with an ax, the whole door, I was getting ready. Like I changed outfits a few times.

I was like painting my face and I'm like, that looks cute for when they make that final strike and they walk through there. I was getting, I was like lip sticking and I'm like, Oh, it must be hot boys. You know, were you embarrassed?

Like when they opened the door that you were just locked in a room? No, I just want to look hot for them. That's the nice thing is that like about sexism is that nobody expects us to be able to do a lot of things that we should be able to do so you know and we and we can't because our brains aren't fully formed they're smaller yeah they're a little smaller yeah yeah no i just like yeah it's like it's like the feeling that you have when you ask let me ask you this a man to open a jar was i embarrassed

that i couldn't open it no it was hot that you opened it i like this bicep though so dumb such a dumb thought do you think there's a possibility that it was just the doorknob and they knew that but cap told him i just started dating this girl let's make it i don't know what the code is let's make it a 506 i mean i'm sure that there was some way i could have figured that out, but I was in a real time crunch. Yeah, you had to get to the bonfire. Let's get to the bon. Maybe he's just saying, take a couple, just impress her. Take the door down. Take the door down. Show her what we do.

By the way, the landlord was screaming at me. Because in New York, here's the thing, your landlord will scream at you. I don't think there's any other city like this where you'll, it's like, okay. Like, you're super yells at you. Everybody yells at you. Everyone yells at everybody. Yeah, it's veryork and like so i told the guy later i'd asked him to fix that

doorknob though i had and he hadn't done it a few times you know and then i was like um sal i'm gonna talk to you about something i was like i'm in serious but there's technically no door in my apartment right now but i'll be arby like don't be like and he was here he is and he started screaming as he'd be it was funny because even as he was yelling he was calling me princess he's like princess are you an idiot and he's like you can't just knock down the hall door i'm like well sir i didn't do it those heroes did it and he's like he goes these guys they demolish property this is what they do you think they care about my property he's like they goes These guys They demolish property This is what they do You think they care

About my property He's like They don't give a shit He's like They destroy things And I'm like Sir They're American heroes

And I'll have you Take it back He was so angry And then he wanted me To pay for the door I think we I don't know how He worked it out

But I think I paid For that door I probably paid for it Yeah Yeah He took that Security deposit He did not like

That I did that But you were impressed That they got that door down They fucking And JFK Jr. Came to the rescue Yeah Yeah

And it was hot Yeah It was a delightful afternoon Do you think he said Send a couple guys But make sure None of the cute ones And then

He's not jealous He wouldn't care at all No he's not jealous at all Like I could be like I'm sleeping at this guy's house Tonight Like any One of my male friends

And I could be like We're having a three day weekend Together And he'd be like, I'm sleeping at this guy's house tonight. Like any, one of my male friends, I could be like, we're having a three day weekend together and he'd be like solid. Yeah. That's good. He's the least jealous. He's like almost like an accidental feminist. But like if you told, but he probably thinks feminists are like Nazis or something, you know,

he's probably like, yeah, you try it. He'd probably be like, you know, He probably thinks it's like real evil. Definitely don't whisper it in the firehouse. Yeah. It's not whispered. Yeah. I remember early in our relationship, he sent me like a video

and it was like, feminist tries to something. It was like, the joke was that she was a feminist. And I was like, that just means like equal. No, they're planning right now

on how to break Trump out of jail. That's what's going on in the firehouses right now. They're going, all right, we got a 509 with trump how do we get that door down how many units are we going to send to get that door door broken down from that jail cell he probably thinks feminists have like long arm hair that they like braid every day like that it doesn't mean like equal right he probably really

believes that they brew like evil cauldrons with like pictures of men. But I was like, I, I, he actually is because like, he didn't care if I changed my name. Like he kind of, yeah, he kind of is like,

he does not jealous. He's just a kind of like, he's also not warm or emotionally present in any way. Like I'm, yeah, it's very, it's very lonely over here. Like he cannot say he can't sue.

He doesn't know how to put like a handle. I have to put his hand on my back where it's supposed to go. Okay, sweetheart. I move him like a Ken doll. I'm like, in this moment where my father had a stroke, you should do some sort of gentle holding to the best of your ability. Just kind of wrap your arms around me like you were a Lego or something, and we'll just take it from there.

He doesn't. Yeah, they're all like that. Ain't that something? Yeah. You all right? You all right something? Yeah. You're right. Yeah. You're right. Big guy.

You're going to be okay. That is exactly how he pats a back. Like it's wrong somehow. You're like, I've never thought about how somebody patted a back before until you tried to do it and it looked like that.

Yeah. You'll be all right. I had to rescue a single mom out of a 45 story project building. I think you'll be okay. Your dad's still got one side of his face, right? You're good, sweetheart. Now let me get back to my chess game

i mean you're probably emotional you probably soothe you know me you know i'm an emotion yeah i'm not a man you know the deal i do skits i do skits there's nothing manly about me when i need to fix anything i call your husband to come fix it. So you don't fix things either? I don't know how to fix anything. I hug. I'm the most physical in my family. I hug. I'm just like, I'm a chick. Could you know

how to change a tire? Yeah. You can't change a tire, right? I can tell you to do so. But you're kind of like, but when I met you, you were a little straight. You were like, you know, you were I can tell you to change a tire. But you're kind of like, but when I met you on the little street,

you were like, you know, you were kind of like a hustler in Brooklyn. No, I wasn't. I was a cuss. By the way, hustler is the dumbest word. Yeah.

That's like a word like some older white woman says when she goes into like, it's almost like a racist word. It's like, there was hustlers in the area. There's hustlers around. Don't let any guy who does stand up let you think that he's a man a racist word. It's like, there was hustlers in the area. There's hustlers around. Don't let any guy who does stand-up

let you think that he's a man for one second. We do school plays. You weren't kind of male, though, as far as male comics go. Don't you do boxing and stuff? Why don't I think you box? You did some boxing. And I played sports.

I'm not saying you finished being made as a boy, like God distracted. Like when he was almost done though. Like he was almost done. He was almost done. Yeah. I was a masculine boy. If that's what you're asking.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I liked women and played sports. And you're like a good husband. Like you probably talk about feelings and stuff like that. And like ask questions and like, yeah.

Yeah. Like when I talk about my feelings, he falls asleep. If I'm like, I feel a little sad. Like he snores I talk about my feelings, he falls asleep. If I'm like, I feel a little sad, like he snores. Well, you can be a little long-winded. God, you're right.

I can be. You can be like, and then, and then, and then just by the fourth and then maybe he's just like. You're right. I can't. Everybody in the comments

is going to be like, yeah, she never shut up this whole podcast. God damn it. It's going to make the comments explode. Yeah, no. I mean, listen listen you're a comic you what you want people to hear what you got to say and maybe he's going babe save for the stage

no no i i bake it down to like one sentence you're giving him way too much credit because i know that he's like an emotional idiot so i like say very little and he's still like yeah my dad was like in the hospital with a stroke and i was like my dad had a stroke and you might have to not work a 24 tomorrow because if it gets worse it's the brain one yeah then we might have to go like so if you have a stroke in your brain blood in the brain it could be fatal within 24 hours so there's like the brain one and then there's the artery one what i'm not saying that's right but anyway there's two kinds yeah he had a bad situation very dangerous so I was like you might we might have to drive to Maryland tomorrow and Pete's like no I gotta work the 24 I got nobody to work for me he wasn't like oh my god I'm so

sorry he's like nah I can't get out of that 24 like and then we like he like was like talk to you in a little bit I'm like no no it's some words here some words here yeah he's like yeah should be fine yeah yeah no I'm I mean I'm not but I'm not a fire I'm not a hero no that's the thing yeah if ladies if you need a shoulder to cry on I'm right here yeah yeah but I will say neither my dad if you need your door broken down you might as well call the fire department but I will say my dad was the same way. He was a lawyer, but he just like was of that generation. You know, like the only time I ever saw my dad cry was in the movie Deer Hunter.

Yeah. But not a tear in my wedding, but apparently cried a deer hunter in the baseball hall of fame. No, he gave a long speech at your wedding. I remember you. I was at your wedding. Yeah. I think it turned into a political speech if I remember correctly. Didn't it? Wasn't it an anti-Trump speech it was like a speech about all the firefighters you could have did a show about that my dad gave a long speech about immigration pretty much during and all his

friends were sitting there going who let this fucking cock into the thing i'm so sorry i'm so sweaty what's wrong i didn't know this was gonna to turn into a goddamn de Blasio rally. It's so hot in here. I probably look bright red, don't I? You look bright red. Besides the blazer, you look great. No, I like the blazer. You just put like a Paris filter on those things.

I'm really red. Anyhow. No, I want to speak. I'm more verbal, I think, than even my wife. Right. She doesn't want to process as much as you. She's not as much of a processor as me. Processing is very important.

Yeah, and one person's usually better at it than the other. But in my case, one's a retard at it. But yeah, I mean, firefighter, yeah, any first responder is usually emotional. But my dad was too. Like my dad, you know, he never said, I love you. But I knew he loved me. I just knew he couldn't say that. Like that was, he'd be like, all right.

If I say it to him, I'm like, I love you, dad. He goes, all right. He tries. He turns into the penguin from Batman. Yeah. Yeah. Was your dad like a warm person? No, he was was later in life, but no, he was shut off and withdrawn.

Would he scream during sports and stuff like that? No, he wouldn't. My dad was very withdrawn. Now that I know, he was, every day I think he was just battling demons of viewing himself as a murderer from being in combat. And I think that was just kind of what dictated his personality. Now that I look back, you know, and it's just, yeah, I think he just woke up every day and that was just there. And you were an only child, right?

No, two brothers. Much older, though. Oh, that's right. You're older. Yes, I remember. Because I remember your older brother and it wasn't one of them at the wedding, but one of them wasn't or something like that. They were both there. They were both there.

Okay. Yeah. But did you guys like, did he have like a favorite? Yeah. I knew one of them had issues. I was trying to find the right way to say that. Yeah. Brain injured.

But so did, did you guys like, did he have like a favorite? Do you think? My, my father? Yeah. I think I was his favorite. Yeah. I don't want to say that. My brother's not going to watch it.

You're not going to watch it. But yeah, because my brother, my oldest brother is gay and he's like, him and my mom talk more. Me and my dad watch sports and my dad played football and, you know, and so I think, yeah, I think maybe that had a little to do with it. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, so you were the favorite. I think so with him, yeah.

But he didn't, his parenting came on later when it was like too late and kind of annoying. He would just like. Try to have talks with you or something? Like someone told him that you were supposed to like talk to your kids. Yeah, yeah, sure. I should probably catch up on a lot of stuff.

Did he ever give you a sex talk? But he was also dealing with my mom. My mom, as we've spoken a lot, was a very complicated person. Yes, yes. So I think my dad was just dealing with shit all the time mom, as we've spoken a lot, was a very complicated person. Yes, yes. So I think my dad was just dealing with shit all the time. Yeah. No, it's a different generation.

They didn't have any, there was nothing they could have done. No tools. Nothing. Not a single tool. No idea. They literally did the best they could with what they, because there was nothing they had to work with. They smoked it away or drank it down.

Yeah. They just didn't know what to do. No, my dad, I can't remember if I told you this before, but my dad like would play tennis with this other guy. And then, um, and then the wives set it all up because they never made plans with each other as men. Like the wives would just make their social schedule. So my mom found a friend for my dad because he liked the San Francisco giants. I remember her on the phone talking about like, you know who I'll do for a friend for Howie here, you know, like they like moved to Bethesda and she was like, oh, I heard that David likes the San Francisco Giants.

So then I'll make them friends. Like it was up to women forever. All emotional connection outside the family was like plans. Like it was on like a calendar with kids school event. Like Howie will make a friend Tuesday, 9 a.m. So basically they decided that these two men would get together and play tennis at the Y. And that was going to be their activity as friends. And the wives made all this up. And they just, whatever.

And they went and they played tennis until one day they didn't anymore. And then nobody knew why. And my mom had to call, you know, Susan and be like, Susan. Even the guys didn't know why when they asked. I'm sure. Yeah, they had no idea. What do they know? If you opened up their brains,

they would have been like, yeah, like a fucking football in it and maybe like one other ingredient, like a baseball card and a football. There'd be nothing else inside their skulls. And then, so she called Susan and Susan said that whenever Howie played tennis with her husband,

that he destroyed the racket every time. When he lost, he would destroy the racket. I was like, what? So he was a fucking maniac. A maniac. And probably all his emotions came out. What the fuck? And yeah.

My wife's a bitch. Did I say my wife? I mean, fuck. My kids are fucking ingrained. I say my wife? I mean, fuck. My kids are fucking ingrained. I hate my family. I hate my job. Why did my wife make me do this? So now this all comes out.

I'm trying to keep it all buried. And then it all came out. And my mom was like, well, that's why Stan Friedman won't play tennis with him anymore at the Y. Because he destroys a racket every time he damn loses. Meanwhile, I was like, could the stakes be lower of two Jews playing tennis at the Y because he destroys a racket every time he damn loses. Meanwhile, it's like, could the stakes be lower of two Jews playing tennis at the Y? It's like if a tree fell in a forest. It doesn't

matter. It couldn't matter any less who wins a tennis match on a Saturday at the Y. Well, it mattered a lot to him. It mattered to Howie. His dad never gave him no hugs neither. Go watch the special. It's on Netflix right now.

Big guy. Yeah. Rachel Feinstein. Throw it in there. It's on your home screen on Netflix in the comedy section. That's right, babies. Netflix streaming now. And also follow me on Instagram, Rachel Feinstein underscore.

Yes. And live dates. Go check out your website for the dates. Rachel-Feinstein underscore. Yes. And live dates, go check out your website for the dates. Rachel-Feinstein.com or if you go to Punch Up Live, the website, and that is linked on my Instagram. And you go to backslash Rachel Feinstein. My road dates will be there as well. Thanks, big guy.

Thanks. You're all right. You're all right. You're okay, bud. You're going to be okay. Please make a meme of that. This yannis's dumb hand on my arm the most unnatural interaction between two bodies thank you so much yannis i love you thank you for having me here come in all right hope you enjoyed that episode want to give a small

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