Yannis Pappas Hour - Jerry, Jerry! - Long Days with Yannis Pappas - Episode 7

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Every Sunday Comedian Yannis Pappas is here to give you a LONG DAY! He's going to attack the headlines and the trending bull. He's also going to answer questions from the fans live on air.   For bonus episodes and to Support Long Days click here: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Sunday at noon to youtube and audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram! Come join in on the LONG DAY.   This ep Yanni has gained some weight and had it redistributed by the communist manifesto, we figure out the real origins of the decay of America and who doesn’t get enough credit for it, first porn then music now comedy and entertainment plus a total breakdown of the genius of Marjorie Taylor Green. Also, Amanda Bines saw a fork in the road and took the road less traveled. It’s Yanni Long Days folks and you are a Long Hauler, put your night vision goggles on and grab some popcorn.   Follow Yanni Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up Dallas, what's up Dallas, welcome to another episode of Yanni Long Day's First Things First. I got a lavalier on so I can move around, I can do a little black comedy if I want. I got a stool here too I can hop. I'm ready to do a little physical comedy if need be because a lot of people were complaining that my voice comes in and out, but that's because I like to move. I also like to adjust the microphone, okay? I also like to adjust my pants and boxers around my schween because I used to think my penis was getting smaller and smaller, but here's the deal. After corona, I got skinnier and my penis was not getting stuck to the

side of my leg as much. So I realized my penis actually shrinks when I get fatter. So when there's more leg and stomach around it, it pulls the penis into it. So there's a finite amount of meat down there that either gets distributed into the peen when you're skinny. And then when you're fat, it's that area is kind of socialist and redistributes the mass into all the areas around there. First things first, let's cover some business. I am back on tour, and by tour, I mean I got two dates. One, of course, which is in Florida, because Florida is America in 1997. It's America's penis, and it's hard, baby. So you can catch me at the Classy Side

Splitters in Tampa. So look that up because I don't remember the date, but I got a lot of time because it's in September. So I'm coming for one night only there. Get your tickets for that. And in the immediate future, you can catch me at my good friend, Saul Joel, Joel Richardson's club, in Royersford, PA, the capital of America, that is right, when we get attacked by China, we're all gonna retreat to Royersford,

think of a plan, and die like the Spartan 300's there, that's what will die, in Royersford, it's a beautiful place, he has a heated dome, so it's outdoor, socially distanced,

BYOB, Get your tickets, yannispappascomedy.com, or just Google it. I am there March 13th, 7 p.m., Soul Joe's Comedy Club in Royersford, PA. We got our little peanut gallery here, and here's the thing when you get older. I got to take off the Magnum PI glasses and put on my all- people glasses here. What are you guys saying? Huh? I'm gonna be a grandpop soon. I had my kid in my 40s just like my parents had me. And I wonder, am I her father and grandfather

at the same time? I'm definitely, when I'm going to see her games, I'm definitely gonna get hit with, your granddaughter's beautiful. It's gonna happen a few times. That's why I have to rely on the strong big genes and stay young. I gotta stay young by eating pizza

and putting weight back on, which is what I've done. Now I know I can tell how much weight I've put on by how uncomfortable my penis is in my, if I have to adjust it, that means that the balls and the penis are clumping together because the penis is too small because that means I'm fat. And that's a callback to what I just said before. Now, how do you know a baby is Greek? It won't take the

nipple without a little hair on it. So yeah, I mean, we got some kids who are just Googling on the internet, throwing jokes into the podcast, but because I read it, it made it onto this podcast forever, that bad joke. So that's just how we do it here. It's live. There's people who are talking to me right now. And what a week we had. I'm telling you, it is very difficult to be a dad.

Everyone said, you know, everyone when you have a kid goes, oh, you're never going to get any sleep again. You're never going to get any sleep. You're never gonna get any sleep. You will never sleep again. Say goodbye to your sleep. And yeah, if you're the mom, say goodbye to sleep. I sleep like a baby on the couch.

You don't do anything? No, because I snore. So my wife kicks me out and I go, oh, shucks, I gotta sleep on the couch again? I get a full night's sleep while she sleeps with a baby monitor set up. Modern day parenting is hilarious. You almost wonder like, how did kids even survive back in the day?

It's like, we are so spoiled now. Last night, my wife goes, where's the baby's arm? Because on the screen, first of all, we have fucking military technology watching the child. We have night vision goggles like we're fucking Marines raiding Fallujah

looking for Barack Hussein. Yeah, Hussein Obama. We're looking for Al-Jabbar. What's his name, dog? It's been so long, I don't even remember his name, dog. Dude, I don't know what to do in this Trump. I don't know what to do in this post-Trump world. Comedy is in trouble right now.

Osama bin Laden. That's what it is. I got, yo, I just, you ever get into a taxi cab, old school, before Uber? I mean, they're disappearing, but the old school taxi cabs, you would get in and you would see every name in the news in one name. You would see Barack, Hussein, Obama, Al-Jabbar, Osama bin Laden, Hussein Saddam.

And you'd be like, that's his full name, dog. And why does it smell like Muppet chips in here? I don't even know what Muppet chips are, but if there was a thing that smells like Muppet Chips in here? I don't even know what Muppet Chips are, but if there was a thing that smells like Muppet Chip, those kids did not use deodorant. That is not a stereotype. It is cultural, and I respected it. You just had to deal with it.

It had a sharp, sharp, old cheddar cheese smell that you just kind of, you know that sharp, it smelled like cigarettes and ass. And that's what it was, a mixture of fucking a 10% clean ass and ciggies was what your taxi used to smell like but yeah man, the technology they got now

for these kids, my wife's got the iPad set up, then she's got the listening device, my mother-in-law's staying with us she's got a listening device, I mean dude, it's like the CIA's watching my baby and all the baby's doing is sleeping in the other room, there's nothing possible that could really go wrong and the only way you're going to prevent it from like dying in

the middle of the night is to watch it all night so look if the baby dies i love my daughter but if like the baby dies it's like you know you gotta respect who's trying to do that you know what i'm saying it's like you can't prevent it. I don't want that to happen. But it's like you almost feel like it was meant to happen because we can't watch this thing like it's a government building. Unless you get shifts and every fucking couple of hours, like my dad in the Korean War, somebody would take a shift. I'm not going to shit outside for my daughter. I'm not going to have people guarding.

But she's past the age of Sid, so you only have to do it for a little while I'm not going to have people guarding like, you know, but she's past the age of Sid. So you only have to do it for a little while. That's another thing that parents don't tell you is like, yeah, you don't sleep for like a month. And then the baby sleeps for 20 hours. Isn't that a thing though where you have to let it cry? You have to let it cry. Goddamn got to let it cry. If I want my baby to be born an American, if I want my baby to be industrious and take care of herself let me tell you something

little girl you were born free you're born free in this country god damn it okay florida's a state of mind brother baby take your mask off cry it out okay i'm gonna bring a rattlesnake over we're gonna bite you just so your body can develop the anti-venom and the antibodies, brother. We're going to set you free on the Arizona plains, let you kill Indians all on your own. When you're four years old, you're an American. Milk that goat yourself, brother. Go down, kill a cow, tip it over. What you're going to do is you're going to play barn basketball, high school nightlights, brother. You're going to bang the cheerleader you're gonna eat it raw rogers you're gonna get yourself a chick-fil-a sandwich you're gonna drive an old school chevy

down the road that belonged to your granddaddy you're gonna chew on hay you're gonna park your cowboy boots under the bed one at a time and on certain certain nights, brother, you're going to go and get yourself a Bud Light lime, pour it right into that cowboy boot, and hop on Clubhouse app and drink it and hold court talking to 18-year-old millennials who want to invest in Bitcoin. That's what you're going to do, brother, because you're an American.

You're going to turn on the OAN Network and you're going to find out where the next meeting for election justice is happening, brother. Wherever Nancy Pelosi is, we'll be there watching you, girl. We'll get you, brother. You're gonna try a little crystal meth and wash it down with a little Carvel drive-thru. That's what you're gonna do, brother. You're gonna go and get yourself a Dunkin' Donuts. Triple tall. Have you seen how big these fucking cups are getting now, brother? Can I get a Andre the Giant-sized coffee with a caramel swirl and a microwave sausage, egg, and cheese?

Because I'm an American, goddammit. I want a Slurpee, and I want a fucking Oxycontin. That's America right now. We should have our food. It should be claimed as our cuisine. Do you know when you go to certain countries and they have their cuisines? You go to Italy, they're like, you have to try the linguine

and they don't do it. The focaccia. Let me tell you something, okay? That's one thing we improved,, you know, the focaccia. Let me tell you something, okay? That's one thing we improved, okay? We finished the focaccia and made it into pizza. I don't want a piece of dry bread with fucking dry tomato paste on it and one little onion piece. That's a focaccia.

When you go to Italy, every store has their focaccia. Can I get a pizza? We have a focaccia. I don't want a potato focaccia. I don't want a potato focaccia. I don't want my french fries and my pizza mixed together. Okay? We finish the focaccia. Focaccia just means a pizza that they stop making before they put the cheese and sauce on it.

They just threw down a little tomato paste. But we should have an American cuisine. You come here and be like, oh, you got to try the Roy Rogers. It's delicious. The Gold Rush Sandwich. You can do it on your own. You can put the amount of lettuce and onions that you want on your own. Do it at yourself.

Your own fix-it menu. You ever been to a Chinese buffet? Go. It's America, baby. We got our own cuisine. Try a hamburger. Hamburger and freedom fries. I haven't stopped.

I didn't forget. George Bush isn't a good guy to me, okay? We're, we're, we're, the French, that was during the Bush era where we, we, there was a movement to call them Freedom Fries. Look, we've been over, we've been over for a while, okay?

We've been over. Texas is the last stand. It's the Alamo. Everyone's moving to Texas. You know what the interesting thing is? There's this cognitive dissonance that we all have that I'm sure everyone throughout history has had when political violence starts in their country. Everyone just thinks it's going to go away. They're like, you know what? Once Biden gets in there, things are going to cool down everyone's going to be okay

then you still see it's the winter too and they're still marching they were in DC the other night it's like what are they marching for now Antifa they're still yelling burn it down they're still harassing restaurant patrons outside

under heat lamps because it's not going to stop. And you feel this pull that people are going to Texas and Florida. It's probably the same pull that people from Venezuela and Cuba and the former USSR and Germany and all these places and places in Africa where there was civil strife, the Middle East, the list goes on of places where there's strife and people flee.

Now, people used to flee to America, but now Americans are going like, where do I go? Where do I go? And there's only one place, Texas. Texas, where you're born free and die free, brother. If you're not in a city. Those are definitely starting to go blue. And blue is starting to mean something that's uncomfortable.

It's starting to really mean something that's feeling a little uncomfortable, where they have a few good points. You know what? The blue is starting to feel like it's all based on ideals and ideas and not on data, which is scary. You can't have one without the other. You know, opinions are supposed to evolve once the data's in, and it doesn't seem that that happens on the left.

The lefts are just going like, an AOC, or as I like to call her, a fucking star is born, born baby and she's got beautiful natties but um she was on 60 minutes and you know Anderson Cooper was like you've been caught lying here here here and here the post said this this this and she goes well and this is when you know it's over this is when you know truth is just what you can sell. She goes, well, you know, I think a lot of people like to get bogged down. They like, you know, with her Bronx accent, you know, a lot of people like to get bogged down on what facts are, what the, what the actual truth is, but what, what they're missing is the moral superiority. And you're like, ooh, ooh, ooh.

That's a slippery slope. That's a slippery slope. That's like when you get into a fight with your boyfriend or your girlfriend, depending on what your gender is. And let's just say your boyfriend disciplines you, right? Punches you. And you go, hey, that's domestic abuse. And he goes, hey, I had a long day.

I'm upset. And the sauce is not just right. Okay? That's my, you have a moral obligation. You have a moral obligation because morality is subjective, of course, because it's my culture. You can't discriminate against my culture. You can't enforce international human rights law on me because my culture, it's all culturally relative. You have to respect other cultures.

And my culture is in the eastern block of Europe. is in the Eastern block of Europe. If the sauce is not just right, if the potato, if the potato pierogies don't come out just right, you get to get disciplined. And it's morality. It's for the more, that's, you know,

you can never put the morality against the facts, above the facts. The facts have to put the morality against the facts, above the facts. The facts have to dictate the morality. The morality can't dictate the facts. So it's a little backwards. But you know what? It's not a time for facts. It's a time for fun.

And AOC is going to be fun. She's a fun one. She's going to be the president in a couple of years. And by that time, it'll be Texas will be its own country and Florida will be its own country where Democrats who used to be people who used to be Democrats have joined Republicans and they're all living behind the lines of no state taxes, which is really what it's about. I mean, it's not even those people like to claim that they're doing something morally superior when really everyone's just trying to dodge a bullet. They're trying to dodge a financial bullet. That's all. Okay. They're

trying to invest in Bitcoin. I still don't know what Bitcoin is. I still don't understand it. How do I pay for something with Bitcoin? I don't know. All I know is I'm sweating to death right now because the window's closed and we're in a pre-war apartment. Okay. And if there was a real estate agent here, she would go, that's the charm. This is a pre-war charm. And then you hear the hiss of the radiator and you see what's going on right now. This is what's going on right now. It is too fucking hot in here, but it's pre-war charm. I love how they spin everything, real estate agents.

They go, this is pre, the building is pre-war charm. What that means is everything's about 200 years old. You will have a couple of guests, cockroaches, rats, that comes with the charm, and a radiator that was built during the Spanish flu supposedly to make you open the windows. That's something Jesse read on the internet. So possibly that's why the fucking radiators are so goddamn hot. But right now it is fucking hot in here. It is getting hot.

And yeah, we're past the point where nobody's communicating anymore. Nobody wants to admit that both sides are right. It's become what team you can get on. So for example, if you're an alcoholic, you are both a dirtbag for your choices and you have a disease. Why can't you have both? Why can't you be both? Why is it, oh, you know, he came in and, you know, he beat our dog to death and stole all my money and fell asleep on the street. And I had to pick him up from the hospital for the 10th time and he had a broken nose. And he disappeared for a week and he has another family in Toronto. But you know, he's got a disease. He's got a disease. You can't blame him. He's

diseased. It's not his fault. It's the alcohol. No, he's a fucking dirtbag, he's a dirtbag who makes choices, who also has, why can't it be both at the same time, where's the law that says it has to be one or the other, like why, where's the fluidity, where's the non-binary-ness of this, where's the non-binary-ness, let's bring together, can't you be for gun control and pro gun at the same time why can't you be both opposites attract who's the best sex you've had within your life someone who you really enjoyed their company or someone who you fucking hated that's the best that's always the best i don't know there is this cognitive dissonance that's going on i don't know if i finished this thought did i finish the thought yeah where i was saying like we we want to

believe that uh we're we're the ones it's not going to happen to but it's happening i think i finished that thought the cognitive dissonance they're going like that's going to go away while the political violence has already started to happen people are going like everything's going to be fine just chill out it's going to be fine no Just chill out. It's going to be fine. No, it's not. I'm moving to Austin. I'm buying a big, big gun. There'd be no coming together. Okay. And if you're trying to guess my politics from this, look, I've told you many times, I am a nihilist fatalist who worships Air Max 1s and Air Max 95s. That's it. That's who I am.

So what's your prediction in 20 years? In 20 years? In 20 years, we are going to be completely run by robots, and that's going to be a great thing. We're already there. I mean, the only thing we export now is bullshit. I've said that before. We don't make anything. It's just podcasts, podcast producers,

and those people who are trying to take those people down. Those are the three jobs left in America. Someone in front of the camera, someone behind the camera, and then somebody watching that, waiting for something to write about, about something they said to take them down. And then there's a whole industry that facilitates your apology. And then you got to go live in the

Siberia of the internet where you're just, your apology doesn't do anything. Don't apologize. No matter what, do not apologize ever, ever. Yes, it is. We're going to live in an era of robots, dude. Complete robots. We're living in there now. We just don't realize it. Much like the decay of America that's already started, we have a cognitive dissonance about how AI already runs. This is an AI right here. There's a bunch of people just watching this live facilitated by AI. This is all fucking gonna be made in a computer

which is all AI. We're already cyborgs. We just, it's in our phone, but you can't, you ever leave your phone at home? You feel like you've left a part of you at home. You'd rather cut your own hand off. It feels like your hand is missing. Like you can't even go about your day. You ever not have your phone and just be out in the world and you're just like, you feel this panic. You're like, what am I supposed to do? What am I? Yeah. It's like, it's on you all the time. So that's just going to increase until they imprint a microchip in your brain and everyone's

scared of uh technology and i never understood that all robots do is help us they do eye surgery they do heart surgery your computer gives you the exact specific porn that you need to move your monkey, okay? The exact thing, an endless supply of free porn, you know, that has completely destroyed the porn industry. I mean, I don't know what entertainers are thinking, okay? It's funny to watch like actors and comedians hold on. They're holding on, you know? They're going like, you know, Hollywood's not dead. It's funny to watch like actors and comedians hold on. They're holding on, you know, they're going like, you know, Hollywood's not dead. It's like, have you seen music and porn? Name me a porn star. Do you remember when there was porn stars? Do you remember? This was before your day, before Andrew. We got Andrew here today.

we got Andrew here today um what are you like 17 18 19 23 okay thank god yeah thank god if you were said 18 I was gonna make you do a tiktok video remember back when we were kids it was porn stars it was like everyone it was a little weird because we were all jerking off to like five or six girls. Like there was a bukkake happening that these girls did not know about. You know what I'm saying? Like everyone was jerking off to like Amberlynn and you picked your favorite. It was, you were either an Amberlynn girl or what was the other one?

Amber. This is before Jenna James. I'm talking about the 80s. I'm talking about before where there was still a lot of hair down there. When the fumes roamed free. There was Amberlynn and there was another Amber. Gingerlynn.

There was Amberlynn and Gingerlynn. And there were these two blonde girls and then there was Seika. There was Seika. And then there was Mandingo who just had like a huge, he had a rope. Kid had a rope kid had a rope

But he would just like dip it in and hold it When you when your dick is that big you can't get that he would just dip the top in and the girls would go Mandingo seika Yeah, and some dudes like ginger Lynn some girls like amber Lynn and that was it you had like three or four or five porn stars and And then there was just like one or two one or two guys that you would see in every scene you know and i used to love that he was so funny he didn't even have that big of a schween but he had personality he would always say stuff

like oh baby don't call god call gus make you fuss i can't remember his name i don't remember his name and then of course The dude who's going down now Ron Jeremy was one of them Back in the day There was like a handful of stars Just like there used to be A handful of starlets There was a handful of movie stars

A handful you know It's like your movie Either had One, two, three, four Five or six, seven Movie stars in it Or else nobody was watching your movie There was no independent movies

And stuff like that There was studios They made a few movies And there was a couple porn companies they made a couple porns and then what you would do is you get on your friend's shoulders you'd put a raincoat on and you'd go in with a rain hat and you go like can i get a pack of marlboros and uh and then there'd be some indian dude in the back who owned the store who didn't care about the police who was feeding his family who would give a 12-year-old a porn, a malt liquor, and a pack of Marlboros.

Wait, where did you get your porn? It would get handed down. There was like a porn black market with your friends. So your friend would watch it. This is how it worked, is your friend would get it. Everyone had one friend who would just get it from his dad, or he just had the balls to walk in and pretend like he was 17 or whatever,

or 18, whatever it was, even though he was like 12. So one kid would go and he'd have his mags by his bed or under the mattress. And then he would jerk off to them so many times, he would just be, it would be done. Like he just couldn't, you know,

he would do it and then he would give it, he would pass it on. And it's funny because every one of your friends had a different time limit, which is funny. You know what I mean based on the friend you knew you knew whoever had it You're like, okay in like two days It's my turn because you know Jimmy has it and then if it was somebody else like I'm gonna have to wait a month because this Kid really falls in love with these girls Huh? Yeah. Yeah Dame Damo

Can't say real names. But yeah. Yeah, so you would just keep passing them around. That's how we got them. We'd pass them around. Somebody would walk in and get them, and then you'd pass them around. And then finally you had to throw them out. And that was the whole thing, throwing them out. Because you didn't want your parents to see it. So you couldn't really throw.

We didn't grow up with fireplaces either. Because we grew up in New York and Brooklyn. No fireplaces. So throwing them out was always a mission. You had to put them in a bag. Do you remember this is all true you'd put them in a bag and the bag would have to be like a black bag you put them in a bag you tie them up you like put them in your book bag you go outside and then you throw them you throw them in a public garbage can that's the only way you could throw them out you couldn't have a clear bag you couldn't have you know it was so much

harder to be a dirt bag back then you know you had to go into a store you know if you wanted to go if you wanted to go to like a booth like one of those porn stores those things are all out of business now it's it's only you can only go there and buy a butt plug now that's it they're only good for like when you can get those online who doesn't want to get that online now because the thing was you used to have to walk into the store and you'd have to deal with that kind of you know that eye contact going like and it was just mutually assured destruction there what would happen is you wouldn't want someone to see you go in and i don't know this from any

experience by the way but i assume you didn't want anyone to see you going in so outside there's the normal people and that's where you kind of hover around. You ever see a guy hovering? Guy hovering around? That guy's either waiting for a hooker to call him back because she's looking out her window going, okay, he's not a cop. Or he's waiting for an opening where the street dies down

and he can just zoom into a porn store. Because it's the inside going in where you don't want to get caught. Once you're in there, there's an understanding. You look at that guy, that guy looks at you and we go, we're animals. We're both fucking dirty, dirty people. You're not going to say anything. I'm not going to say anything. I don't care if I see you tomorrow at a parent teachers conference and our kids end up being social friends at school. This is not leaving this room. I will never, ever acknowledge that I recognize your face

from, from the steam box. Remember the names they used to have? Yeah. Play pen or, or flash dancers or, uh, or, uh, the, the Fun Hut or whatever they used to have. Playpen was a good one. I remember Playpen. We filmed in there at Playpen once. So you'd have to walk in and then you would have to go into a booth. And I don't know why nobody invented anything better. You would just jerk off on the floor.

This is a dirty episode, but life is dirty, okay? You would just – and then there would be a guy who'd come and just mop it up. So, yeah, I mean, could they not think of like a, you know? Could they not think of like a rotating floor, like an escalator, where it's like that one's done and it goes under the ground and a fresh one comes up? You ever walk into one where the guy who's supposed to clean it up is on a cigarette break? up you ever you ever walk into one where the guy who's supposed to clean it up is on a cigarette break and you're like guy I mean how long's your cigarette bake there's a fucking pile of mashed potatoes in there no it's all gone it's the world's changed that's what I'm saying it's like

it's too easy now it's kind of too easy in a lot of ways to be a freak, which is, I don't know what that's doing to our psyche. I don't know. It's like, you ever try to have a thing? This affects our psyche. We are conditioned by our environment. And now this is our environment. Like Drew's here. His whole life has probably been computers, right? Yeah. Like if you, if you get a little curious about Like if you get a little curious about, if you get a little curious about she ladies, nobody's gonna see what you're doing. You know what I'm saying?

Nobody will ever know. So you can explore, like I don't know what this does to people's psyches. All I know is it makes us not deal with inconveniences very well and it makes everything feel like an inconvenience where otherwise it wouldn't really be an inconvenience. It's created a society of absolute fucking spoiled brats that I know for sure. But you wonder, nobody ever wonders what

this has done at large to our psyche. Even doing this podcast, like after a year of me talking every week, doing a bonus episode, doing live videos, just one-way conversations, you think I'm gonna be able to relate to, you think at dinner, I'm gonna be able to listen to anyone? I'm just gonna be going,

uh-huh, uh-huh. And then I'm gonna go on a 15 minute where you can't even interject. I'm gonna be like, let me tell you the thing that's going on with Bitcoin. I don't even know. It's like, you ever heard a conversation between me and Tim Dillon? Nobody's listening. He's doing a podcast to me and I'm doing a podcast to him. We're not even, none of

us are even friends anymore. Our friendship happens on podcasts. It's like, hey, do you want to talk tomorrow? It's like, yeah, I'll come on the podcast. That's what it's become. Like you ever have a conversation with bill burr i mean that's a one he's been doing a solo podcast he's the one that let you know it's possible to be an absolute narcissistic psycho and just sit there and talk to yourself for an hour and be absolutely great at it and entertaining but that's affected his psyche you ever think about like you know when his wife's talking, he's probably going, like he does in his podcast.

He can't, it has an effect. You become conditioned to what you know. So it's like, who knows what the future's gonna be? It's gonna be run by AI, I know that. And like I was saying, everyone's scared of AI, but they make our lives better. If we become a bunch of reclusive, skinny, small fucks with big eyes

and hands that type, so be it. So be it. We won't care because whatever future generation is tiny and crunched over, we evolve into these crunched over things with quick, powerful hands and big eyes like this, the other people will be attracted to that. When you see like a Neanderthal or another type of hominid, you're not attracted to that anymore. But back then, if your name was U, because I assume they didn't have full names back then, so I'm sure the leader of their tribe was named U.

Or Munu Munu. I'm sure there was a cat named Munu Munu. I'm sure there was a cat named Munu Munu. If your name was Munu Munu and you saw her na-na-poo-poo walking and she had like a nice fucking hairy body and there was just the right amount of hair on her tits and she had a nice little mustache, hairy legs. She had the hair that went from the front to the back. Yeah. Like one continuous flow of hair

Not like the guys who was just like Different patches of hair But a nice continuous flow From the back to the front Yeah you would wanna You'd wanna move her seaweed to the side You would definitely take that leaf And be like yeah baby

You were into what you knew It's all Plato's allegory of the cave Which is a recurring theme that I'll bring up a lot like yeah baby you were you were into what you knew it's all Plato's allegory of the cave which is a recurring theme that I'll bring up a lot you your reality is what you're exposed to you ever talk to one of these you know Republicans like they're like yeah man I want the government out of my of course you do dude you want everyone off your block there's you know four people you're like if a stranger comes on your block you just grab a shotgun and get off my property god damn it call the sheriff that's not jane or bobby or tim or ricky so they're probably asking for trust like dude no

i'm just fucking delivering i'm the amazon guy like goddamn right you are get out of here we don't need no fucking amazon here okay i don I don't need your goddamn milk. I got my own cow. And then of course, if you're in the city, of course, you're going to lean to the left. Of course, you're going to want benefits. And cause you're more aware of how everything is interwoven and works together as a society. And you know, you, you have to see junkies on the street and poor people. And you're like, please, can you give them a little money so they don't rob me, please. We need a homeless shelter. Cause they're on the street and poor people and you're like, please, can you give them a little money so they don't rob me? Please? We need a homeless shelter because they're on the street in my neighborhood. I'll pretend that it's nice. Everyone needs to have a home. Okay. Hi. Hi.

My name's Zoe. And yeah, I'm here speaking at the city council meeting. We need to do something for these people. They're starving. They're hungry. They're cold. But more importantly, just get them out of my fucking neighborhood, which is what they really mean, which is what everyone really means. So it seems like it's selfless when you're on the left. I was coming down hard on the left before. I mean, someone someone's gonna clip that and just call me like an alt-right Nazi and that's fine I already knew I was never gonna

after I saw the switch in the culture I already knew I would never work in the entertainment business again all you gotta do is a quick google search of how I used to sell out shows and that is it and by shows I mean soul joels shows soul joels

that's ridiculous none of you guys are typing any questions or anything and i don't blame you because i haven't looked over here at one but now all the hearts are going because i'm giving you some attention we all just want attention it was quiet over here and now look at the hearts going now that you got yeah people are saying clip it yanni long days that's rigorous comb hair. People want me to comb my hair. All right. So, back to these glasses. These are the fucking, these glasses come with a 5 o'clock shadow and a mustache.

You remember those guys that used to have the mustache and the 5 o'clock? Yeah. What they call the clit tickler? The 70s clit tickler, baby. So, yeah, that's what's going on. um so Fox is getting sued which is fun Fox is getting sued um Giuliani's getting sued Trump's getting sued Lou Dobbs is getting sued these companies Dominion these voting booth companies are just suing and uh Fox offered up Lou Dobbs as tribute. They put him down. You got to put somebody down. You got, it's like the mafia rules is behind everything. You know, it's like, look, if

somebody came for long days right now, nobody ever will. I mean, we're way too small for anyone to care, which is nice. Right now you want to fly under the radar. You want to be a helicopter right now. You do not want to be a 747 cruise ship in the sky. You do not. Is that what a 747 is? Yeah. The big boys. You don't want to be an airbus in the sky. Okay.

You don't want to be very visible and big and have a lot of passengers. You want to be a fucking helicopter. Flying low, clear sky, small podcast, little Patreon, and just keep it moving, baby, you want to be a little speedboat right now, you see an iceberg up there, fuck that, it's just a bunch of kids going, burn it down, you go, yeah, you're going, yeah, comedians shouldn't say it's hate speech, you go, go, you want to just be able to fucking get around. You want to be like Barry Sanders with these fucking woke kids.

You see them coming, you just go and hook a hard left and you can only do that in a speedboat. It takes a long time to turn a cruise ship. That's why the Titanic hit the iceberg, okay? And you will never catch Yanni on a big ass show, which is analogous to the Titanic, where their kids are going,

oh, he's getting some heat? Let me see what he said 20 years ago. Has anyone seen a little video called Love Match, Marisa? Yeah, you didn't understand. You didn't understand. He is on fucking no toss forever yeah i'm looking let the hearts go you know what you know what though why not rock the rock that boat hard rock i mean cuz you're not making any sense they ended it to the other things there's no secret bubba's

i mean we got a bunch of people drinking in the chatty in the peanut gallery. Nobody's making any sense. What are you guys talking about? The hyenas? You just came here three seconds ago. No, we're doing a fucking podcast live. And you're part of it. So you always got to offer up somebody for tribute.

Okay? Somebody's got to go down. Lou Dobbs. Once they come for your pockets, that's when you find out who your real friends are. Once people start getting into your head, you know, the fears, they go, hey man, this could be bad. This could be bad. They're coming for your money. They're coming for this. That's when you go, okay, who can we deal with the least on this network? Who's the oldest?

It's like an Indian tribe, you know? When a chieftain gets too old and he's trying to boss people around, you're going, all right, yeah, yes, chieftain. Ho, bo, bo, ho, wo, wo. We believe you, chieftain. You've been a chieftain for 40 years. Then they go and they meet amongst themselves, all the 20 and 30-year-olds, the millennial Indians.

They meet and they go, you know what? Chief Running Grass has been talking this shit for 40 years. The world has changed, okay? He's telling the women to birth people quick for them to be promiscuous. This is fucking sexist. We have to do away with Chief Running Grass. So they take Chief Running Grass out to the plains, okay? And they just run and leave him. And his feeble 75-year-old body gets eaten by buffaloes who are catching revenge for what the Indian tribe

did to their brethren by eating them. They used to eat buffaloes. They ate a lot of buffaloes. And so Lou Dobbs is tribute. They're going, you know what? We're getting sued for a bill. I think it's like a billion dollars lawsuit or something. Because look, you can say whatever you want, freedom of speech, but also people can fucking sue you for libel, especially if you're a news organization and not like mad magazine or a podcast where you're purporting to tell the the news um you can't just go you know what this election

was rigged and then like what's the proof and they're like uh ratings so they said you know what lou dobbs you're 75 your head's getting heavy, Bubba. It's starting to lean over. Here's a bullet to the back of the head, mafia style. He walked in. He walked in like Joe Pesci at the end of Goodfellas. He got walked in by two old dudes. And he said, I don't get it.

Where's my hookers? Usually you have a few hookers in here for me and some blow. And I said, uh-uh. Do you think Lou Dobbs does blow? I don't know. But Lou Dobbs is gone. He's gone. He was fired.

He was shot in the back of the head. Just like, I don't even remember his name. Rourke? Oh, Rourke? I mean, he was the biggest anchor. Colbert played him on the Colbert Report. What was his name? See what happens?

You see how quickly people are forgotten? He was the biggest anchor in America. Pat O'Reilly. What was his first name? Bill O'Reilly. Bill O'Reilly was making like $30 million a year, was the biggest news anchor in the world. That's why fame and all this shit is overrated.

You know what I mean? It's like, raise your kids, have a good life. Because nobody fucking cares. You could ask someone right now who Steve Martin is. Do you know who Steve Martin is? Yeah, he does. He's in the business. Okay, but if you ask most people,

do you know who Jackie Gleason is? Fuck, you're a good kid. You're not helping my point, Drew. Do you like Drew or andrew well okay i'll make it i'll call you i'll call you yanni long day's personal assistant no drew andrew same shit but um do you know who uh red do you know who red skeleton is fucking got him you know red skeleton is rightton is? Fucking got him. You know who Red Skelton is, right? You don't even know when you're 70.

Yeah. Yeah. Red Skelton was the biggest comedian in America with the biggest show in America. He was the biggest comic basically in the country. And now nobody knows who he is. This was TV, you know, 50s, 40s, something like that. Can you Google it?

When was Red Skelton around? Yeah, he was like, he was massive. In that range of just like where you just had to be white to be in show business. They did not allow anything else until Lucy came along and she was married to a Puerto Rican. Was he Puerto Rican? Desi. Cuban, right? So for 37 to 71, Red Skelton. So 1971 is not even that long ago. He was old. He was probably still going in his 50s and 60s. His show was the biggest show in America.

Nobody knows who he is. So everyone just, Bill O'Reilly's forgotten, dude. I mean, that kid, he was one of the most influential people. His show made shit news possible. Like, yeah, shut up, you whack job, you know, he used to, he was like this generation's, what was his name, smoked a cigarette, is it just me, do I have dementia, or you also remember, does anyone remember, the guy with the cigarette, Morton Downey Jr., there you go, you knucklehead and he'd flick his cigarette and stuff.

Like, it was like the slow creeping of like Jerry Springer. Jerry Springer was a massive hit and he was a former mayor. He was like a former mayor who just went, you know what?

Fuck this. I'm going as lowbrow as you can get. I want people fighting on the stage while people cheer my name and I just walk around and go,

here's my final thought. I have a moral point here but the point is I just did the most immoral show. So take care of yourself and each other. It's just like AOC. AOC, the facts don't matter. Here I am. I'm obviously a narcissist and interested in power and don't want anyone to be able to have thoughts that are independent or that sway from whatever my followers are gonna think because I'm coming for blood. But it's an ideal point of view. So that's what it is.

Do as I say, not as I do. Or do as I do, not as I say. Started all with Jerry Springer. He made it possible. If I'm pulling the etymology, if I'm looking at where it started, I think it doesn't get the credit. Jerry Springer does not get the credit

for the unraveling of America that he should. Jerry, Jerry, can you hear it? When you see fucking those kids storming the Capitol, you can almost hear it. Jerry, Jerry. When you see fucking those kids storming the Capitol you can almost hear it Jerry Jerry when you see AOC talk they almost killed me Ted Cruz few weeks ago you almost killed me Jerry Jerry Jerry we should have trans women fighting women in the UFC Jerry Jerry the president formerly known. If Donald stage was coming, if he was coming up to stage like a standup comic during his inauguration, you might know this guy from pretending to be his own publicist.

So journalists would show up and write about him in the gossip columns in the New York Times. You might know this guy from bankrupt in every fucking casino he ever tried in Atlantic City. You may know this guy as Fred Trump's son. You may know this guy as the guy who said the Central Park Five should be in prison even though they were all innocent. You may know this guy from his stint as a reality TV show host on a fake company called The Apprentice. Give it up, everybody, for Donald Trump. Jerry, Jerry. You don't hear the Jerry chants?

You don't hear the Native American stomps? Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi. Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi. You don't hear it? I'm going, we told you. We told you to try to be in balance with nature. Anytime the environment's a little off, you just hear, Jerry, Jerry.

As America's crumbling, you just hear, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Hillary Clinton. Well, we came, we saw, he died. Jerry, Jerry. The history hyena's breaking died. Jerry, Jerry. The history hyena's breaking up. Jerry, Jerry. It's all crumbling down.

Miley Cyrus. Jerry. I would love to have sex with, I don't know if my wife's watching, but I would love to have sex with Miley Cyrus just to know what it's like to have sex with, I don't know if my wife's watching, but I would love to have sex with Miley Cyrus just to know what it's like to have sex with a beautiful woman and then when you're done,

she sounds like a man. You ever heard her voice? She's like, hey, how you doing? It's Miley Cyrus. How you doing? My voice sounds like I transitioned into a trans man, but I am a beautiful woman. Malibu, Malibu.

You never heard it? Miley Cyrus sounds like if Marlboros could talk she sounds like a cigarette speaking English but I wasn't thinking about her I got my um I got my former child stars confused because Miley Cyrus went on to have a great career she's very talented has a great voice, beautiful, unique face. I'm talking about Amanda Bynes. Wow. If there was an allegory for America, it's Amanda Bynes.

She was a host. She played, she did that movie where she pretended to be a boy to play, to make the soccer team. And then she fell in love with a guy and the guy started having gay thoughts. And instead of him gay bashing her like what happened in the movie

what was that other movie? I don't remember anything. You think it was The Crying Game? No, not The Crying Game. The one that caught a lot of heat because what's her name? Hilary Swank was in it. Oh, oh, oh.

Boys Don't Cry. Boys Don't Cry. So Boys Don't Cry was a movie before Wokeness where Hilary Swank when people were allowed to be actors, like if you needed a, you know, if you needed a, nowadays if you need a cockroach in the scene and you do a CGI, they're going, wait a second.

We need a real cockroach. If you have someone in a wheelchair and you're like, we can get Tom Cruise to be in it. He's a big movie star. They go, what the fuck are you talking about? He's able. That's ableist. Get somebody in a wheelchair. That was, this, what the fuck are you talking about? He's able. That's ableist. Get somebody in a wheelchair.

This was at the time where you could be an actress. So Hilary Swank played basically a trans man who the guys found out she was a boy. She was a girl and she was pretending to be a boy. And they did some horrible things to her, some real small town stuff, which was really bad. Now Amanda Bynes made a Disney version of that and they did some horrible things to her, some real small town stuff, which was really bad, okay? Now, Amanda Bynes made a Disney version of that where she did the same exact thing,

but the friend she was hanging out with, who was a guy, fell in love with her, even though he started having, like, found himself having strange thoughts. That would be like if I started having strange thoughts about you, and then I'm like, oh my God, I guess I'm gay, and then I fucked him,

and then I realized you're a girl, and I go, oh God, do that to me why'd you do that to me I'm not a gay guy you're a girl it's appropriate so they made the Disney version of that you know that would be weird right you fall in love with a guy you're like why am I having strange feelings about this guy must be gay and then you're like all right let me go test it out and then you go and you you bang another dude and you kind of like it a little bit. And then you realize that the guy you just banged is a girl. The crying game. Remember that? That was like when we were in high school,

everyone would say, no. We just thought she was like the one woman in the world who used to be a man. When you talk about this stuff, you feel the fear just come up. You're going, how do I say this? How does your generation, your generation's dealing with this big time, right? Where you have to say the right thing

or are you just a kid from Jersey and you say whatever you want? Yeah, you're from Jersey, yeah. Your father votes Trump. Your dog's a firefighter. You don't give a shit. Yeah, your dad's a firefighter. I can tell.

You can see a kid's face and know that his parent, that he got born after his dad was drinking a bunch of Miller Lights watching the Jets. Yeah. What's your last name? Kamanuchi?

Malik. Malik. Slovakian and Irish. Yeah, that's a real immigrant fucking, that's a stew right there. Like it's a real stew of just like dirty-faced white guy coming over from Europe. He meets another woman. They grunt at each other, have a

beer, make your dad who was a fireman, and then you come out. You're like, I'm going to be a filmmaker. And they're like, you're gay. Your dad's like, you're going to be a firefighter, right? You're like, no, I want to be like John Cassavetes. They're like, all right, my son's gay. And then he just goes to the bar and drinks it away. Pretty much, yeah, I know. Your dad's a tough guy, and you're like, Dad, I'm gonna go live my dream. Here's my camera.

Pose for me. He's gonna get the fuck out of here. It's my son. I call him my daughter. So Tom Brady won another one. We're at the 50-minute mark. I'm wearing both glasses, and I didn't even know it. I didn't even know I put both on.

Tom Brady set our country backwards. He set our country backwards again. Being a straight white male Republican Trump supporter winning the Super Bowl. He won an MVP and I just think that that's wrong. When there was a more deserving candidate on the field. Okay. The MVP should have went to that woman who was refereeing. Okay. She's going to make history and go unacknowledged. How great is that that you ref your first game in the Super Bowl and now you're the most famous ref in America.

in the Super Bowl, and now you're the most famous ref in America. You're just the most famous. This is just going to get, it's just going to get hilarious. Refs are fine. Like, you can ref. Like, that works. But like some Vanderbilt football had a female kicker who like, I think she did, I don't know if she kicked in the game.

Look, if you can kick, if there wasn't a better argument for how football should get rid of field goal kickers and extra points, I think it might be the Vanderbilt girl. You're playing a game where guys get their collarbones broken and then go back out there for the second half. If you can play in that sport as a woman, that position should be eliminated. Why do we have extra? What's the point of the extra? They're not even football players. They're converted soccer players. There's some guy named Fabrizio Passanedita who comes in and the whole game is riding on his foot

after these guys sacrificed their bodies, fought, tears and blood. They got concussions. They won't remember their names, okay? Do you remember the VH1 special, Where Are They Now? they're gonna do a football one a football version called where am i now about retired football players the first episode's west walker that kid has no idea where the fuck he is he's like where am i who am i the nfl is gonna get this podcast canceled now they have the they have the power to do it they remember that when they were trying to keep concussions underground and

then Will Smith made a movie and it was out. The secret was out. The secret was out. Like we didn't know when Jim McMahon, you did an interview and he was like, what did I just say? What did I just say? What did I just say?

What did I just say? When Phil Sims gets up and he goes, ah, you ever hear, you ever, you know, that old OJ walk. Yeah.

That's like when I look at my penis now, it has that old OJ walk? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's like, when I look at my penis now, it has that old OJ walk, just kind of like, you've been through a lot, son. Your fucking knees are broken. Ah, ah. So, yeah, we should eliminate that position, dude. There should be no field goal kicker. It's not even a football player.

Wait, the field goal also? Yeah, the field. What the fuck's the point of the field goal? Now guys can kick from over 50 yards. So you're kicking from your other side of the field, and he's a guy. Does he play in the game? He doesn't even play in the game.

He's on the sidelines, and then he comes in, and then the game ends on his foot. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine basketball if it's like there's a timeout, right? There's a timeout, right? And they're like, okay, all these guys, five guys that did it, right? Fucking 96 bulls.

You know, Pippen, Jordan, Rodman, Luke Longley. They all hate Jordan. That's besides the point. All right? Did you want to win? That's how I played. All right? Fucking watch the documentary.

So, and they go, all right, timeout. And they go, all right, we just need a three-pointer to win this. And then you see Drew on the sidelines just warming up. And he's doing this. He's going, give it to me. And he's got a slingshot. And he just goes,

and from the fucking half court, he does a slingshot. And then they win. That's exactly what it is, right? Poor Greek kid doesn't know how to comb his hair. Does my hair look that bad, you animals? And do you know what you look like? Do you know what you look like? Do you know what you look like?

You're spending your day staring at an Instagram live while I podcast like a crazy person. My new nickname is Yanni the Crazy, by the way. Clotty Yanni. So you're going to talk about my fucking hair? Look at you. You're sitting in your underwear. You're sniffing your own ass because you're sitting alone.

And there's not one person on this planet who doesn't check out his ass smell when he's alone, or at least the balls. You're a loser. Boys don't cry. Yes. Hunter S. Pappas. That's pretty funny.

Finally, a funny one. Hilary Swank saved a bunch of kids from the hood and taught them how to succeed. Also very funny. I miss those movies. Those are fun. Nobody had a better joke than Bill Burr with that. He was like, you know, they make those buddy movies where he's like, he's like, he said, me and my black friend, he's like, I don't go to his neighborhood, try to save a school. And he never teaches me how to

dance. We just take the train home and I just get off at about 15 stops before him. Bill Burr joke, old school comedy to go. We did that that We filmed that with him A long time ago A long time ago So I got through everything here Except for Marjorie Taylor Greene Who is my new boo I mean How great is she?

She is the congresswoman From Georgia Who got removed From a bunch of committees And when she speaks First of all If you think my eyes Are close together

Take a look at her She's got like one eye In the middle Her Her eyes looks like when you, when you just stare off at somebody and the eyes just come into one and she's going like, yeah, I was just reading a bunch of stuff. I, um, I looked at her testimony and I truly said to myself, this is a good time to be alive. The previous 20-year run was great, and it was all, it was all bread and circus and fun, and like, it was a boom, and the internet and the economy was booming,

and it was the most comfortable time to be alive. But then I saw her, and I said, now we are officially in the funniest time ever in American history. Nero was pretty fun during the, like we're right at the collapse right before it gets tragic. It's going to be tragic after this, but for like another 10 years, I'm going to predict it's going to be hilarious. And what I mean by hilarious is an elected Congresswoman standing up there going, hilarious is an elected congresswoman standing up there going, guys, I just am here to say sorry about calling Jews in control of the weather and creating lightning bolts to distract us from the fact that Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi were, you know, controlling people's minds through Tesla

cars. I apologize because what happened was I was using Google. Did you hear that part? I used Google and I was led to believe it was at a time where I was questioning everything the media was saying. So I began to Google. I was using Google, y'all, and I went on this site and I found out that Chuck Schumer was actually a weather controlling Jew who could create lightning bolts and fire them at red blooded Americans. So I joined the Congress to stop these Jew controlling monsters. I apologize for that. I am sorry.

I'm sorry. And you're just going like, this woman is an intellectual and misunderstood. She's a misunderstood intellectual. She got to the bottom of all this. She cracked the code. And here she is being forced to apologize, humiliate herself for figuring it out. It's a sad time in America. It's a sad time. I know I previously said it was funny, but it is sad when a great mind like hers can be, can be assaulted like that, can be maligned like that. Her good name, her cogent sound theories always, always follow the money. And she did. She did her research.

Always follow the money. And she did. She did her research. She said it. I Googled a few things. Now, Andrew over here has grown up. He's only like, what did he say, 23? So you were 19 when Trump was elected.

So your adult life, this has just been normal. But me and Jesse remember a day where like adults sounded like adults. Do you remember that? Like an adult would, you know, sound like an adult. Now look at us. We look like, we look like, if you took us right now and did a class photo of us and put us next to our class photo from seventh grade,

you'd be like, wow, he's still got the same sneakers. I mean, so that's how you know when adults are acting like kids, you know. Lowest common denominator is becoming elected. I mean, we put Joe Biden in office. I mean, the kid, he's gonna die soon. Not a long time. This is Yanni.

Her hate for Jews grew after watching that documentary Borat. Yeah, I'm a New Yorker over here. I can hear his accent here. Yeah, I'm a New Yorker over here. Over here, I'm a F word from 1960, F word New Yorker over here. So that's exactly what this tweet said. This is what you would expect from a New Yorker. His comment is, yeah, I'm a New Yorker over here.

Here I'm a F, and then there's a bunch of signs. F, 1960s, F, fucking New York over here. Jesus used Google. Yeah, I love you guys, all of you. Thanks for tuning in. Here's the most important part. We're getting our stuff together. Jesus used Google. Yeah, I love you guys, all of you. Thanks for tuning in. Here's the most important part. We're getting our stuff together.

I will start reading names from the Patreon next week, but the Patreon's up. Our bonus episodes are crushing. People really love them. All types of character pieces, videos are going to start. We're just up and running. So thank you to all the Patreon members. Your names, all of them will be read. Keep the tradition of funny names. I'm going to start We're just up and running So thank you to all the Patreon members Your names All of them will be read Keep the tradition of funny names

I'm going to read them all Go to Patreon.com Slash Yanni Long days All one word Join up

Join it Become a part of it Tell your friends That's the most important part As always Posting your stories And Spread the word

I'll talk to you next week America