Yannis Pappas Hour - Mark Normand - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Episode 15

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

The great  @mark normand  is the official first guest to go long wit’ Yanni Salami. They talk about how comedy is changing and the new scenes like Austin popping up all over the country. Yanni & Mark reminisce about coming up together in New York and Yanni’s old legendary comedy night at Bar 4 in Brooklyn. Mark tells Yanni why comedy is his soulmate, teaches us all about what the essence of his hometown New Orleans is all about. They delve into panic attacks, how to tell if old people are good people and much much more. It’s a douse!   For weekly bonus episodes on weds and additional bonus content and to support the show click here: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Sunday at noon to youtube and audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram! Come join in on the LONG DAY.   Follow Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days. This is the first guest. I wanted my first guest to be the hilarious Mark Norman, and I scored him, even though I had to take a plane back from Miami to get here. It's a long story, folks. I thought you moved to Miami. I don't know why.

Here's the thing we had a we've had we had like a whole exchange a whole text exchange yeah for like that spanned like a couple weeks yeah and the whole time you thought i lived in miami yes well i was doing the miami improv and i said i saw you on schultz you got a little cheese in you you know you're a little swanky and dancey and some kind of ethnicity. So I figured you'd move down to Miami. And it said, fuck these queefs up here. I'm going to Florida. And I was wrong.

So I said, oh, he can open for me. You know, it'll be fun. You have some, you're ethnic, but you're more ethnic in like a French. Yes. French kind of conquering, like a French kind of swing. But you're, the ones in Louisiana, were you guys like conquering French? Or were you more like French Revolution kind of egalite liberté kind of french i know you eat crawfish and it freaks me out it's weird i love you eat on newspapers like fucking irish peasants yeah well you do asians out

here stealing our whole peel thing with the you know you see them out there in the restaurant they put the sauce right on the shell what are you doing you crazy stop asian hate stop crawfish hate exactly guys are ruining it but yeah uh, my dad's from France people. Normandy. It's right in there. So then my mom's a big Sicilian cunt. And it's that mix. And then you throw some Cajun in there and a couple of blacks, and you got me.

Because you grew up in a black neighborhood. Oh, yeah. It was rough. It was rough. You grew up in New Orleans black neighborhood. Oh, yeah. It was rough. It was rough. You grew up in New Orleans. Yeah, Treme. Which is like in New York. Pronouncing it New Orleans is like the way New Yorkers say Houston

and everybody else goes Houston Street. Yes. We go New Orleans. You guys, guys, it's one word. It's New Orleans. New Orleans. Yeah. It just kind of rolls.

Comes with like a hint of slavery. Yeah, slavery was big was big down you guys got some fucking hall of fame plantations down there oh beautiful i mean we go to those weddings if i ever did the bachelor i'd be kicked off because of all the antebellum shit i was involved in yeah don't do your wedding right now that's the thing ryan reynolds got in trouble right because yeah he had his wedding at a plantation but my thing is like the rules weren't set there that was just like it was a beautiful kind of thing you know yeah it was just rich people who had slaves and land and they had to till the field and servants and all that so obviously it was bad but uh the places are beautiful these big

pillars with the fence and the yard it's great but you got i do kind of agree though it is kind of like if you look at it from their perspective it's like you're getting married it's like what's the difference between getting married there and getting married um well you could say i was at a slave at a slave house it's the same thing but auschwitz isn't pretty no that's true you know so you think of auschwitz was pretty like yeah hell yeah i mean that's uh cook some wood fire that's a big oven you get a good pizza going i mean come on yeah i mean yeah i mean that's true and uh if it was beautiful you would have to give free maybe that would be like some free weddings if you had a relative who was

a gypsy or yeah uh there was one group that one big group that they target i can't remember well they had they had retards they had gays gypsies black people were in the holocaust they get no love greeks too they killed greeks oh there you go i don't know if they put us in are in the Holocaust. They get no love. Greeks, too. They killed Greeks, too. Oh, there you go. I don't know if they put us in the ovens, but they conquered us for a couple, four years. Wow. Wow. My mom was born there during the conquering, yeah. The Holocaust? During the Holocaust, yeah.

What? Well, during World War II. I mean, she was in Crete, in Greece, where the Nazis paratrooped in. We did an episode of that on History Hyenas. By the way, we're doing the show on the old stripped- history hyenas set this just feels like chris got me too'd yeah it does it really does i'm replacing him yeah it just feels like this looks feels like fighter the week after the article drops i feel like the new aunt viv yeah yeah so being from new orleans yeah it's like a new orleans is like uh it's a unique town that has its own flavor i always say like america's not really a it's more like a united of many

countries completely yeah you can see that with covid like texas over here and then california over there they're completely different yeah one doesn One is tough about COVID. The other one's like, wear your mask. Yeah, exactly. Don't have your wedding at a plantation. Right. Things like that, yeah. New York, Florida. Yeah.

Totally different. And Louisiana is just like fucking, what is it? What is that? What's going on down there? They forgot about us. It's the Frenchy, gay, fuck uh whore houses mixed with the black slavery with the creole mixed with like a lot of italian influence and the spanish influence and they forgot about us we could drink on the street jazz was invented and we just let it all go carnival we got mardi

gras and uh it was just a free fucking free love baby and it was a port city so all these sailors would come in and rail the shit out of these skanks and whores and then leave and everybody just it just became this party hub and it's us louisiana like vegas all right we get it but this was louisiana nobody gave a shit right and it was the dumb south let them do what they want they're toothless they're fucking their sister and we're like yeah yeah we are whatever leave us alone and we could do what we wanted and it just became this hub of like great food and great music and great culture yeah jazz was invented there right yep and then you there's like it's all is there a language creole is like a type

of so that's what makes louisiana unique is it has its own fucking language yeah well we embrace the black shit whereas a lot of people are like segregate segregate whereas we took it in and we added it all in this big pot and made it a culture gumbo yeah do you know how to speak creole no no no i run from them they're terrifying human beings and what are what are they ethnically creoles it's like a little half black it's kind of like if a black and a redneck raped each other wow yeah it's toothless that's blue collar a camo hat but also kind of like dirty and raunchy and port. I work on the docks, and I got a big truck, but I can also beat the shit out of you, and I can speak French kind of weirdly.

It's a weird mix. That is a weird mix, but that's very progressive. It's like if rednecks and blacks, that's what you want. Those are the two groups you want together. That's the most progressive. That's more progressive than sort of like a Bernie bernie sanders rally right sanders rally are oddly very white very conservative very white and conservative yeah if you did a show for bernie fans you'd say this and that and they'd be like oh i'm like what are you reagan's wife like you can't even take a joke and yeah i talk about

a sex thing you're clenching your pearls i'm like i thought you were all progressive and fun yeah you got blue hair whore yeah use it which one is it are you are you uh a foot loose no dancing or are you open-minded you know yeah it's it's phony i think they've kind of like switched sides and it's like it's interesting when you talk to comedians comedians always talk about how much funner it is to perform for conservative audiences it's true but you can't be conservative in the business you can't be conservative in the business great point you're tap dancing all these what's more accepted what's better because i think there's only one out of the closet conservative conservative thought i think it's mcconaughey and he's just like so big right you know adam sandler keeps it on the low low there's no way with that money and like running your own business there's no way yeah that you vote left well it's just so silly to just pin

yourself down as to one completely across the board i'm all this like can't you have a couple ideas here and a couple ideas isn't that the the definition of of open-minded and and and maybe liberal even yeah you know like you you open for louis ck what are you a conservative like no it's incredibly liberal i believe in rehabilitation i think a guy should have another shot and i'm i'm not shunning him out of society because because i disagree with him like that's liberal right right it's all been cut you know it's all out of whack yeah things have kind of flip-flopped a little yes the left is kind left acts like the right, and the right kind of acts like the left a little bit. Well, if you notice.

Or they used to be, the way it used to be. Yeah, if you notice, everything that kind of says one thing is actually the exact opposite. Like, Antifa feels very fascist. Like, oh, you don't agree with me? Then you're going to hell. I'll kill you, you piece of shit. Like, well, this feels very fascist. And then every time I meet a guy who's super super non, like against racism, I'm like,

I know you. You would never live around black people. Right. Right. You're in a gated community. Right. Right. I always felt like you're supposed to be liberal on the gram.

Yeah. And then conservative in your accountant's office. Perfect. That's kind of how it works, right? That's a successful guy. That's what you got to do. That's what people, I mean, you can't tell me like a lot of these celebrities when they get into their accountant's office are asking their accountant

to find ways for them to pay more taxes to help the poor. Good point. I mean, you know, but if you post it on the gram, that's all people, the accountant's meeting happens in private. Right. Whereas in public, you want to appear like you care about people. You're for the common man and all these elites are like hey we're we're in we're in bed with amazon we're in

bed with pfizer i'm like shouldn't you be helping the mom and pop yeah i thought that's what you were saying online but i guess that's bullshit there should be like a new thing like if you take up a cause or you post something you should take your checkbook out immediately or give your job up yes which brings me to my question. I want to know what you think about Ellery Smith. Do you think she should have been fired? Well, that's a tough one because... First of all, we know who she is.

So mission accomplished. That's pretty good. Maybe there's no such thing as bad press M&M style. No, no. We forgot M&M used to be hate the gays. And then he hugged Elton John and he got away with all those homophobic lyrics. That's true.

You know? Wow. You ever think about that? No, no. Well, maybe we got to get Kramer out there hugging black folks, you know? Is that the cure of the hug? I didn't know that. Maybe it's the hug.

I mean, Mike Tyson also got away with like rape. Yeah, yeah. Well, like who knows if he did it, but like he got convicted of it. Right, right. And then he did a one-man show and and now he's, like, cuddly. See, I don't love the firing. I mean, look, what she did was fucked up, just come out of the blue, because Asian shit is a hashtag now.

So let me see if I can get on board with this. So it was so clear what she was doing. It was obviously a ploy and a setup and fake. But I like that she got lambasted because she was being a cunt. But I don't like the firing because then that kind of justifies what happened to Shane. Right. So it's tough. But I like that she got her ass kicked a little.

That's a tough one. If you don't know, Ellery Smith, she tweeted about Shane Gillis, who was fired from SNL for a podcast. Yeah, saying a slur. He said a slur. He said a slur. He was actually saying a slur as someone back then i know i know but what could you do he probably said so many other things he was like

i'll take that one well you know what's fun is not a lot of people defended her because even like the super wokey people were kind of like yeah you're on your own sister you you dug that grave yeah which i liked and she didn't even defend it i i liked her she said i deserve this i still believe in consequence culture wow so yeah that's, I deserve this. I still believe in consequence culture. Wow. Yeah, that's what she said. She says, I still believe in consequence culture. So she was almost like, I feel like when you go like that generation, Gen X, millennials,

when you perform for them, you can almost kind of see them whipping. When you say something that's kind of like an edgy joke and they want to laugh, you can kind of see them like the way Catholic priests probably struggle around boys. They just kind of, you see their face just kind of like, you know they're going to go home and belt themselves. Yeah, exactly. Another group that's always preaching this, constantly this, and they're actually fucking kids.

Or the senator who's like, gays are going to hell. Then he's getting blown by the guy in the office. Yeah, because if you think about, if you are some type of predator, a sociopath, psychopath, the best way is to act like you're the opposite. Exactly. That's the best way to hide. Exactly.

Nobody's going to, Cosby's the last person you're going to suspect who's having sex with unconscious women. Great point. The first person I would think is Jason Rouse. Nobody knows who he is, but that would be, but he's probably never done it. Right. Because he's out in the open.

But Cosby was having sex with unconscious women. Yeah, good point. That's why Mr. Rogers was such a mind fuck, because he didn't fuck anybody. That we know of. That we know of. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that it could be. I mean, John Wayne Gacy was a clown. Yeah, exactly.

Perfect example. Perfect way to lure him in. We're comedians, so we come off as good people, but we're not. Yes, yes. We're horrible hangs. It's about me? Is anything about me? Is anything about me?

Yeah, you're right. We're big narcissists. That's why I love these cum-guzzling comics who go, I just love spreading joy and laughter. It's like, ah, shut up, you fucking douche. You just want the selfish paycheck, and you want everybody to high-five you, and then you want to go to your hotel and jerk off. Yeah, because we're weird people.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Like, if me and you were just in here having this conversation without a podcast, it would be awkward. Right. Right? Would you feel awkward if it was just me and you in here talking? At first, but I can get over it because you're also a fellow comic is easier right than if just some rando right so that's easier and i like you and i'm a fan of yours and all that and i think we have a similar thinking but whiteness yeah yeah yeah purity you know but uh yeah if it was me and

this guy i'd be shitting blood. No offense. You're just like a normal human being. Whereas I am not. Yeah, he's just a 23-year-old kid from Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. Another one with you. I'm saying I'm the psycho.

Right. That's why dating is tough for a comic. Right. It is tough. Yeah, it's tough. But there is something about, I feel like we have a comfort zone when we know there's an audience yes whereas in one-to-one it's like we we just like i gotta go and we're just out of here so true dave chapelle said i only feel comfortable on stage yeah is what he's doing still comedy

i try not to shit on comics openly we're not shitting on i'm just curious he's i saw him uh we're not shitting on him I'm just curious he's I saw him when I did Rogan Rogan him and Rogan were doing shows

and they so I went to see them live yeah and he is the Dave Chappelle live is the funniest yeah but it wasn't one of those nights

where he was where he was giving a fiery sermon it was one of those nights where he was being funny yeah I think he's earned the right to do those fiery sermons

right he's earned the right to do whatever he wants and anybody can do whatever they want on stage but you can't shit on nanette and then like dave exactly that's my my whole thing yeah so i mean nanette was kind of doing for lesbians what dave is currently doing for his people yeah and i just like jokes i like funny so you can do your sermons just don't act like you got some new shit popping. Like, hey, check out my new set. And then it's like even that 842 thing. I was like, I get it.

It's a powerful message. But like, I need a yuck. I need a zinger, buddy. Or don't call it a comedy special. That's all. Right. Right. Right.

And he's obviously brilliant. We're all fans. I'm a huge fan. You know, I like the guy. I worship the guy. But yeah. Do you think that's part of like the breaking down of everything? That's what it is.

I was talking about on the last episode we did, I was talking about how Serena Williams just got interviewed by Common. And I was like, you know, that accredited Peabody Award winning journalist, Common. Yeah. You know, like everyone is everything. Like what is even, what's the point of going to Columbia to become a journalist if you can just start a blog and call yourself? I mean, a lot of these articles read like Facebook posts now. Yes.

You read it and you're like, is there any data in this? Did you spend any time in the field? Did you actually even speak to the person you're writing about? I know. And that doesn't matter. It's just got to be salacious because it's all clicks now. So as long as a retarded person got hit by a car we're printing it and you're like actually he was not retarded and it was a red wagon ah print it yeah they just want the clicks yeah and i find people

some it seems like people make whatever they read they interpret it for them yeah it's very narcissistic like it's like because i recently tweeted said, if you call it a stimmy check, there's a 100% chance you're spending it on sneakers. Sneakers, right. Great tweet. And it went viral for the wrong reason. I mean, it went crazy viral on black Twitter. So black Twitter caught it, saw my profile, doesn't know me,

doesn't know I like sneakers, anything like that, and they just go, is he calling us? Right, right. And so black twitter just ran with it and it was just this offensive thing where i was saying you know uh black people just spend their money on sneakers right and um and then after like all these sneaker sites started reposting it as well and then all these sneaker sites started posting memes about stimmies and how you're going to spend your stimmy check that's great and then there was an article that showed that sneaker sales like were through the roof or whatever so it proved that i wasn't just talking about black people

let's be honest yeah a portion of those kids were black yes a portion and it's a stimmy it's a cool word they talk cool you know it's a funny and it's funny because it's true it's true but they got pissed about that because i think they made it about something that they right what is that what is going on where people take it's like they take what you say and whatever you meant doesn't matter they make it what they want it to mean and then they just run with it right and then if you go no that's not true they never go oh shit. That's the problem. It's okay to run with it. We've all done that since the beginning of time. Sandwich artist, you know, it's perceived in a different way. But, like, it's the fucking YouTube and, I mean, the social media

where you can just say your thoughts immediately without thinking. No one's sitting down going, what does he mean by that? They just go, fuck you, gut instinct, I'm killing you. And then you go, it's like Bill Burr thing on the Grammys. He's a racist. Well, here's him and his wife. Crickets. Right, right. What happened to, hey, I'm sorry.

I called you a horrible thing. Right. Just openly in public. Where's the apology? We don't hold anybody to that. This guy shit on the cellar once and said it was this bigoted racist place. Oh, yeah. Gnome proved him wrong.

And then he wrote another article to the paper, and they didn't print that one. Right. They'll print the first one calling you a race, but they won't reprint the other one because there's no – first of all, you have to admit guilt, and secondly, it's like that's not that exciting. Right. We were wrong.

That was Guy Brenham wrote that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he showed up, and he talked to them like a man, and it was a great conversation, but I think he stepped a little bit, overstepped a little bit. What do you think is going on in society? What do you think think this is because it's like it's too many voices too many voices i think it's too we've always had too many voices but now you can broadcast them right and we listen

to all of them that's the problem that's why burr's so great because he goes yeah they're mad at me but who cares right and then you just move on with your life we give it too much weight we go everybody's upset it's going viral everybody's pissed off all right well they won't be in 20 minutes when uh biden falls down the stairs you know so yeah we we give it too much uh well what's the leverage i don't know what the word is but too much important yeah we get too much important and that's a headline this this racist guy's talking about sneakers like you don't even know if I'm racist. I like sneakers. Like, slow down.

And isn't it kind of racist to assume I'm racist because I'm white? Right, right. But that's a whole other bag of hammers. And I just hate that this is all we talk about now is this shit because it's so, that's why cancel culture is not real. And look, we're all sick of that term, but it's not about canceling and firing and all that shit. It's about the vibe. Right. it's all we're thinking about it's all everybody every podcast i do they go the mics turn off and they go can we delete that second part i don't want to get can't i don't get in trouble you're like oh i thought it didn't exist but it's just that thing in the air you listen to

a podcast from 2014 and you listen to one from two weeks ago they're very tame they're much milder and that's what the culture is it's that feeling that shit that oh fuck am i gonna get popped am i and that's not healthy we're losing our hair people are killing themselves everybody's depressed it stinks yeah it's almost like we're all in the mafia waiting to get wow yeah and we're getting whacked by some virgin incel it's so annoying yeah it's really like uh i i did a character what maurice i couldn't even i couldn't do that character couldn't do it today i could not do that character today and that's the weird thing is that people love that fucking skank i mean they love that puerto rican and he's filled

out caroline's multiple times and look at the joy you're you would lose all those people would lose all that fun and joy because somebody's upset yeah and you know she's a she's an interesting one because all her fans are were hispanic black and uh and gay yes it's like they can't they can't touch me on that like uh the journalist who covers us it's funny in 2021 there's a journalist who like sifts through podcasts now i know i know he's the one he's tried to get me on a tweet or something because even though Maurice is staring him right in the face, he can't do anything with it because the people who he's purportedly talking on behalf of love him.

That's a great point. It's really funny. Isn't that funny? That kind of web of wokeness, it really holds you down. I mean, look, hip-hop has said some horrific shit, misogynist, homophobic, but it's like Adam Crowroll has got that great line, like, no one from PETA is at the player's ball.

They're all wearing fucking fur and mink and chinchilla, but they're like, we're going to let that slide. We don't want to get shot or anything. I'm working on behalf of the animals, but in good neighborhoods. Exactly. It's safe. All the protests, too, were always in good neighborhoods. Like, the defund the cops protests were always in good neighborhoods like the defund the cops protests

were always in like right carol gardens in brooklyn or hollywood they were never in the neighborhoods where actually the people would be affected by the defunding of the police i know and you read all these charts and shit and the black people in those neighborhoods were like no no police we need them i'm trying to get home with my groceries yeah because in some ways the defund police is a there's a little racist vibe to that because you're going like, what about the people who are concerned about criminals? Right. Because you're living in a good neighborhood going like, stop stopping black people. And then the black people who live in those neighborhoods are going like, they're not stopping me.

I'm not a criminal. They're stopping him. I need somebody to stop the criminals and you're going like you're thinking about race more than they are exactly well again it's perception it's all how it goes through their brain yeah uh sorry but i feel like this is all so obvious like i'm not that smart of a guy like you're a smart guy but i'm not that i'm not that smart at all i mean i do comedy i remember we're doing a podcast i mean that's another thing about 2021 is people think that i mean i'm on twitter listening to some guy who's you know he's talking to me about ayn rand i'm like is this a freshman dorm or whatever he's talking calling him he's a he's

a liberal or a conservative or a or a libertarian or whatever i'm going like this is like a freshman dorm conversation yes smart people can do math they can do science they can play with computers otherwise you're dumb right otherwise you're dumb completely yeah i agree i'm dumb you're dumb we're dumb most people just regurgitating shit they've heard or read yeah you know you see it like that's problematic like you don't even know what i'm talking about i said my gay roommate you're saying oh you heard gay and i'm on stage i'm a white guy so you just assume it's probably you don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah.

Did you know Trump was going to win when he won? No, I had no idea. I was out at a bar drunk with a girl trying to get laid, and the thing was on TV. I don't know anything about politics. That's one thing about Trump. He made us learn about politics. I didn't know what a fucking senator was. Well, he had to learn about politics, too.

He was like, I'm learning, too, with you guys. But I was like, oh, here, Hillary guys but i was like oh here hillary's gonna win i'll get laid pro women here we go and then uh he he won and the whole bar was just silent it was in the east village it was crazy oh you were in you were you were in liberal town when i guess so yeah you know trump trump winning was almost like if your friend became president of the class yeah he just took over the class like all right fellas like what are we doing we're fucking yeah we're drinking we're partying we're calling him the name we used to call him and we're not getting in trouble oh her i grabbed by the pussy over there yeah you're right you're right i ask only because as comics we

kind of travel the country and we score it we get like a we get a temperature on things and i remember just like doing a little bit of the road feeling like he's got a better chance to win than people think he does. Definitely. We're so in that bubble. And we're so elitist. We think we're better than everybody. And then you hit the road and you're like, wow, this is a different vibe out here. Way different. The road is so cool. Like these cities like Nashville and Denver,

like these kind of sleeper cities, which are blowing up now. Raleigh, North Carolina, nobody's talking about Raleigh, but now it's like booming. All these football players and rich people are moving there and then these sleeper towns that were just like that guy in the corner who always got laid yeah but he never talked about it and then new york city like i got the biggest dick i'm so cool and now everybody's leaving here yeah and they just hung back and then blew up yeah pretty cool how that happened yeah it's almost like cities like they're like the alt scene like all cities are making it now right you know like new york was a club comic la club comic

and now all these other smaller unknown they started their own scene these cities they started their own scene exactly yeah it's wild they're blowing up austin north carolina atlanta nashville yeah a lot of it is probably because you don't have to be, so much of our economy now is digital. So you don't have to be in New York or LA. That too. Even if you're doing banking, if you're doing, everything is digital. You don't even have to be at the office.

I think this is going to change everything. There probably won't even be any corporate, like there won't be offices. I know. They'll cut back on that. So what are they going to do with these skyscrapers? We got a zillion skyscrapers. Put homeless people in them.

Yeah, hey, why not? Yeah, why not, right? Yeah, I mean, every elevator in New York's got shit in it anyway. Yeah. Might as well plan it. And, you know, New York will become like an artist's haven again. People will come and try to make it. Yeah, throw artists in there.

They made Soho hot. They'll make Midtown hot. Right, right. They'll make it gay. They'll make it hot. It'll be fun. You know, there's plenty of things to do. Yeah, all right.

I'm a little nervous because I love New York so much, and I finally got a good apartment. I own another place. I'm making little real estate moves, and I feel like right when I got cooking in New York, who knows what'll happen. Yeah, I mean, it kind of happened to us all. It'll probably come back, though.

Here's the thing. New York's not a bad place to invest in. If New York doesn't make it, then America's over. I suspect it may be over. Really? Once people start going, like, Austin's the thing new york's not a bad place to invest in if new york doesn't make it that america's over i suspect it may be over really once people start going like austin's the hot town you're going like get the fuck out of here you got barbecue food and and four thousand pound people and elon musk but that's gonna be the capital of the greatest empire the world has ever known we're done but they probably said that about uh los angeles and in 1901 or whatever it was like it's a bunch of orange fields and mexicans this ain't gonna blow up true good point i mean i don't know i don't know anything but you're probably right too even new york the

republic this is just a bunch of fucking tall dutch guys walking around yeah it's a swamp basically with wooden shoes or whatever they were hey right yeah good new amsterdam yeah it used to be new amsterdam before that but who knows and? And it's an exciting time to be alive. And if you can shut off all the horrific negativity and bullshit on the internet, we're in a pretty cool time. I mean, a pandemic hit. We got to live through it, see it. Sure, it was dicey, but we saw it. Things are changing.

Cities are blowing up. Cities are crumbling. We had a fucking reality star president. We got to watch all that. You know, BLM and Me Too and trans people exist. Whatever it star president we got to watch all that you know blm and me too and uh trans people exist whatever it is we're seeing it all it's fun i yeah i mean i trans people are fun imagine like our kids may start half their life as one sex and the other half is the other pretty cool yeah you get to 40 you're like you know what let me find out what

it's like to be fucked let me find out what it's like to be fucked by the opposite sex yeah i mean i've been there a few nights but what do you think is going to happen with the color like when we can really change color that's when things that are going to get weird well i said on the last episode didn't i said i feel like rachel dolezal was kind of like a pioneer underappreciated yeah you think about people who want to end racism it's like people who want to become the other that's the farthest you can go in loving the other race. It's like, I'm going to become and live and act like one of you. Right.

So that's like the biggest, that's the biggest compliment. It is. It's the most progressive thing you can do. I guess so. It's like you're holding a sign for those people. Well, I became one of them. But black people don't fuck around. It's almost like taking steroids.

Like, hey, I'm going to be buff. And you're like, bitch, I've been in the gym for 60 years you know and you could just be buff you don't have to go with the no cab and the police and the whole thing so i get it why they don't like it but it's gonna happen right right i mean if you can identify as a gender why can't you identify as being 15. i'm 15 now like i i'm just saying like right it it opens the door but look don't you think like sean king yeah if you get away with it for if you go to a black college like sean king and you get away with that even if you get found out don't you think black community should just be like you got us right right you were in an all-black school and nobody suspected it you win you're black like

there should be a certain amount like a statute of limitations on where you can get called on it, even if you found out. Like if you live as a black guy and everyone thinks you're black for 20 years, maybe you win. Maybe. Yeah. And also this point about Rochadozo,

I don't blame black people for not, for getting fooled by her. Right. Because I think often like there's an aura about a girl with a big ass. Yes. That like black guys can't see past the big ass right so if you got a big fat juicy ass and you're even like real pale yeah they just can't

see it sort of like when you're playing the yankees you just get blinded by the pinstripes right you know what i mean you're just like it's the aura of it they're going like we're playing the yankees the mystique and you just lose yes because you play the yankees i think they see that big ass they're just going like that's gotta beique, and you just lose. Yes. Because you're playing the Yankees. I think they see that big ass, they're just going like, that's got to be a sister. And they just can't. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was the pinstripes. The pinstripes being those fat ass.

She's got a fat, she's a thick girl. Oh, yeah. She looks, I'd plow it. But you got to admit, we're all animals at the end of the day. Like Obama is half white, okay? And everybody just calls him the black president. And then Rich, what's her name? Meghan Markle is half white, and she looks white.

So it really is more about the shade. It really comes down to what you look like. And I think if Rachel Dolezal looked a little blacker physically, skin-wise, I think she might get by. She pulled it off for a little while with the cornrows and everything. I know. Maybe we need to all be more Creole. We need to be more like New Orleans.

It'd be nice. Yeah. We'd be a little looser. I mean, that is a loose town, but we get nothing done. Right. We don't get shit done. New York, you come here,

it's pedal to the metal. New Orleans is like, ah, quit writing jokes. Kick back. Have a high life, you loser. Now, here's the thing about you to change, you know, to change topics a little bit,

which is good, is like you come from a laid-back town, a cool town, but you are, you're a workaholic you work yeah well that's just my drug of choice to not think uh-huh you know i got five sets tonight i have a joke about it my act of like being late is like a drug and i think working is a drug too because you're you're not thinking about oh i got a tiny dick you're like I gotta make it to that show I gotta get on the F train I gotta get off on this door I gotta run to that

I'm doing these jokes tonight I gotta do 15 minutes I got a closed wrong then go third on the show run out and and that's why I started on the podcast is because you want to just I think that Sisyphus thing of rolling up the barrel or not the boulder up the hill that's what life's all about it's about the journey and the work now sure i could sit back every now and then go hey i got some tv credits i got some money i got a girlfriend with huge cans like enjoy it for a second you twat but i i i just you get you get involved you get too wrapped in the work and i i forget to breathe is that because you're are you like that with everything you like work out like that or is it just comedy are you in love with comedy because you're so in love with comedy you're so in love with comedy yeah i think it's so important and my life was meaningless and

i was such a loser and i was so sad i was a dork i was a skateboard drinking 40s in the alleyway you know trying to finger pop and uh learn a trick and chain wallet gritty white rat kid you know yeah yeah and uh then i just found kind of i fell in love with it and my brain connected with it like the way comedy is feels like it fits me right almost like an autistic guy can see a bunch of toothpicks and count them rain man yeah yeah comedy worked with my shit yeah and you're prolific like that like rain man kind of you you tweet the jokes you write the jokes, you write a lot. Yes, I try to, yeah. Do you know that actually we influenced a young Mark Norman?

Because we did Bill Burr, Comedy to Go. He saw that when you were young and you loved it. Oh, wow. I don't forget anything. My memory's a steel trap. Yeah, you do have a great memory. I remember chasing you once to try to give you my ex-girlfriend's jewelry. I chased him into the train trying to give him jewelry.

We got shithoused on a Brooklyn night in 1988. I don't know when that was. Man, things were so different then. It was fun. There wasn't that fear all the time. You said crazy shit on set. You were like one of my heroes. I'd go to Bar 4 every Sunday, and you said crazy.

You talk about trans porn, how you jerked off to it and you loved it i'm gonna be like whoa this guy's the real deal it felt stan hopey lenny brucey that real backroom gritty shit that i love that you can't get anymore that was a legendary show bar four you were there all the time all the time all the time louis katz ally wong soda nate i mean it was a great group a lot of guys like i'm not doing that shit it goes to four in the morning it's too far out and i'm like i live for that shit that's what it's all about you were at all those shows i love there was a show you were there yes yeah completely that's what gets annoying when people are like hey where'd this guy come from you're like bitch

i've been running this town running around this town for 15 years you have been yeah yeah doing a lot of work so yeah you said that you told me once you saw that our remember that comedy ago we did with bill burr on the playground yes yes we did that probably he didn't even remember i remember going but bill was like oh that was you guys i was like yeah that we did that that was like early 2000s we did that he was so much more wiggery back then by the way if you watch you're like damn he sounds like eminem yeah well he had like yeah he had adidas on back then like that yeah but and that was before he was like burr of course but you saw it and you you you connected with it in some way i just liked

to it was kind of uh like i mean i hate to say it but it was like oh i could shoot something like this because i loved him i just loved all those tough crowd kind of generation right and i saw that and i was like oh i can shoot something of generation right and i saw that and i was like oh i can shoot something like this right and i remember it connected i was a big youtube guy just sucking up anything because this is before there was a podcast on every corner right you know it was like you had to find comedy you had to search for it which was a better time because people left us the alone right by the way but yeah yeah i just sucked up anything and i remember finding that that's true that's before you started comedy probably yeah i started in 06 yeah and we

recorded that like early 2000s wow look at that and it's kind of true because when comedy was just in clubs or on tv it was like you had to come into the land of comedy now we're on the internet so we come into people's lives and they mistake that like they'll go it's an offensive tweet where you're going like bitch why are you following yeah exactly but they go hey it came into my thing yeah you're going like she's kind of got a point right you know it's like whereas comedy you pay people pay and they go there and they go there to hear uncomfortable stuff or to hear uncomfortable stuff made funny yes and so it's sort of like they're coming into our court.

Yes. Where now we go into their world and do podcasts and stuff like that. But even still, they're kind of like, don't listen to it then. I know. It's not that difficult. If someone retweets it, don't read it. I don't know what to tell you. Or disagree and move on with your fucking life.

Get a hobby. Kill yourself. Something. Jesus. Like Daniel Tosh doing that rape joke thing. They put that on the news and you're like yeah that was meant for the club that was in that room now you can't take it out of context and fuck with it but is comedy comedy's like uh did it kind of like save you

in a sense like you were like oh yeah oh for sure so it's like the one thing that kind of grabbed you and then sort of that's what you became passionate about yeah because you're like a comedy savant you go all you're all comedy all comedy yeah and i i love it and i i fell in love with it and it was all i had so and my parents are intellectual they're successful they're like book reading nerd like they're workaholics too so maybe that's part of it but it's gotta be i was the idiot in the family my brother went to the he went to berkeley he went to the peace corps in africa to teach kids and all this shit and i was a skateboard you know dweeb i was a fucking retard i was an idiot and uh i had to find something and i remember i find in county you're like oh i got it right is it it was it was like a soulmate seeing a soulmate did you go to college or no i did only because my

parents made me but i finished online just because i wanted to move to New York. You finished online before? I quit college. I moved to New York, and they said, you just do it for us. And I said, all right, and I did it online, which is a fucking joke, by the way.

You just got the book open, you know, doing this shit. Yeah, pre-COVID finishing online, that's not really a degree. Yeah. You too? Well, you did it during COVID, though, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Technically, it was online because of COVID. Like, you finished before they had Zoom. Yes. So you were just, like, filling out some forms. Exactly. That's all it was. It was babysitting with a computer.

I had the book open, literally. Or you could Google with another window. I mean, it was so easy. Wow. So you were, like, a disappointment to your family until you found comedy. Big disappointment. Yeah.

Bedwetter, weird-looking braces, plus the black neighborhood was like really that really like you know nobody talks about like i know we talk about racism and all that but like those kids fucking hated me i mean they would chase me it was scary you didn't really want to go outside that's why my brother's like this computer genius because he's like i'm not going out there i'll do das you know he was reading books about das and all this shit now he's big programmers doing well but he also joined the peace corps too yeah yeah in africa wow that's so he's a real good guy he's

the real deal he's a real deal no no twitter activist he went and helped he taught them math in french in guinea wow yeah and it was in huts i went and visited him it was i was there three days i wanted to kill myself right He was there two years. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are different in that way probably. Yeah, yeah. We both go for it. Yeah. But I couldn't do that shit. Yeah.

I guess comics are good people because we do a good thing for people by making them feel better. It's a symptom of our selfishness though, so it works out. But we're so selfish. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. It's like we're not great guys. Nah. No, we're not great people. Well, hell no.

The women are like animals. The female comics, they're like animals. They're closer to animals than anything. They're so vicious. That's my Nick Cannon moment. They're animals. Yeah, they can be vicious. Like, men will say a horrible joke or do something horrible.

Like, the women will try to ruin you in a weird way. It's almost like high school where they give you an eating disorder. We'll beat you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The punch will heal. Yeah, I'm kidding. Comics in general, male and female female we're very narcissistic we want to be heard we want to be looked at yeah that's that's a quality that works when you're performing for people who are paying to be silent but it's not great in life yes it's not great in life to always be talking and so true

thinking you're cute and shit like that. Like what I got to say is cute and like you got to listen to me and stuff like that. Yeah, it's gross. It's kind of gross. I'll be at my girl's like Christmas dinner and I'm like, stop trying to hold court. Like stop trying to tell a story. They're all eating and it's nice and there's a fire and it's a waspy New England family. And I'm like, how about these there?

Whatever the fuck, you know? And I'm like, they're like, gee, I'm doing okay. I'm getting some laughs, but I'm like, what am I doing? I have to tell myself to cool it. I'm giving myself the light. Right. You got to find like that. Because either we're like going too much performing or we're like reclusive off in a corner smelling our fingers.

We have two modes. Like if you, do you think if it wasn't for comedy that Joe Mackey would sniff seats? Oh yeah. Yeah. He's a great guy, but he would be doing some weird thing. Build model airplanes and sniffing the glue. And if there was no comedy, Sam Morrell might be staring at a wall reciting Knicks facts. Yes, exactly.

Exactly. Yeah, Joe would just be blinking into the sunset. Yeah. It's tough. You know, Soder would just be doing voices in the mirror. Yeah. We need an outlet. Yeah, he'd be doing a just be doing voices in the mirror. You know, we need an outlet. Yeah, he'd be doing a radio show for himself in the mirror in Tucson, Arizona.

Right, right. With his horrible, horrible, weird dad body that he's had since he was 24. That guy was built like a dad since I met him in his early 20s. I know, and get a button down, will you? You're 41. He's got these hoodies that are way too big. I mean, he dresses like he's going to a nirvana concert 91 he's almost 40 now button his button his shirt up a little bit yeah yeah i'm

no one to talk about clothing but like geez he's a handsome guy he's tall he's got the voice like he could really run this town he can run this town but you know and also loosen up those fucking those those those shoelaces He ties them a little tight. They kind of flop. Oh, interesting. Now, you were a guy who fell in love with one jacket, and you ran with it before the white supremacists took it over. You were a Fred Perry.

No, Lacoste. Oh, it was a Lacoste one. The little gator. Yeah, it was the Lacoste. Yeah, it wasn't Fred Perry. It was Lacoste. Seinfeld has a theory that- Was that French because you were French? No, I just found it in a thrift store, i was like wow i'll never own anything lacoste right

so out of my wheelhouse you were poor then yeah very poor and i remember being like whoa and it's kind of cool it's got the lines i look like a french soccer player and i just loved it and i just was like oh this will be my thing you know steve jobs wears that shit every day i'll wear this every day yeah i mean look you were you and then you got past the lacoste i got through it i got i had a i lost it and it was devastating it was like a heroin addiction i had to like get over it i withdrawals about the jag go to my closet oh yeah and it was horrible and then a year went by and someone found it behind a chest of drawers at a bar i thought you were gonna say at another girl's house let's go oh damn it no i left it at a bar because i blacked out and they were like what's

this and they pulled it out. It was at the creek. Oh, that shithole. Yeah, it was covered in rat shit and dust. Bad bugs and, yeah. Yeah, I had to get it dry cleaned. And then I tried it on, and a couple friends were like, just let it go, man. So now it's in my closet.

So that's what killed it, yeah. But you were kind of obsessive about the jacket. Yes. Yeah, comedians, we all have a little bit of a slight mental illness, I think. I mean, Nate would wear Vanderbilt shorts underneath his jeans jeans in the summer yeah and he would have like a vanderbilt yeah he'd have to have one item of vanderbilt on at all times so true and i would have to have at least one panic attack a day remember the phase i went through just panic attacks and i mean i had a good reason i was a

victim of a violent crime but but i think i would have had those panic attacks even if it wasn't ptsd because we're just so self-involved i'm going to go something's wrong with me yes something's wrong with me yes and someone's going what is it it's like i'm scared i'm nervous something's wrong with me and then social media just kicks that up a notch and we're all fucked yeah so what does this panic attack look like what is it what is have you had one i think i have but And then social media just kicks that up a notch, and we're all fucked. Yeah. So. What does this panic attack look like? What is it? Have you had one?

I think I have, but I've never defined it. What is a panic attack? Give me the actual. What it is. Yeah, like, are you sweating? Are you freaking out? Are you hyperventilating? Yeah, you start sweating. Your body kind of goes into fight or flight mode.

Whoa. So you just feel like, you know, in fight or flight mode flight mode like you either want to fight or you flee so you just your all your blood rushes to the middle so your arms kind of get tingly and numb because that's just an instinct like when the adrenaline pumps uh it happens because uh the limbs if they get bit you'll bleed out slower so like if an animal bites your arms it's uh the all the blood is here so you bleed out a little slower so it's all evolutionary and biological and stuff like that but your body like your mind is too too nervous like too kicked up it's too jacked up so it's having a flight or flight reaction when there's nothing to worry about you're making a mountain out of a molehill it's it's it's got to

be like a consequence of modernity it's like like things are too easy. We're not meant to just sit around. I think you're right. I think you're right. We're not meant to be this safe. Yes. We never have been. The Industrial Revolution just happened. Right.

Like, it's just so new. Before that, like, you know, people were like dying, would die. Yeah. Modern medicine. It's all very new. Very new. I mean, just war was such a big looming thing. Like, oh, my brother died in war.

Dude, disease. Or disease, yeah. What was it? You know, the wah-wah at the schools that get under the desk? Yeah, the... They just got to think about that. Yeah, the nuclear war. But even before that, people would just die of disease.

Right. You'd always read, like, in Russia, and every footnote in Russian history is like, and then three million Russians die. Yeah, that's right. Russians just throw millions of people at death. Right. Every era of history,

there's just millions of Russians that just fucking freeze or die. So true. Even in Civil War, more people died from disease than they did from war. Right, yeah. Because there was no anesthesia.

They just cut your fucking leg off. Gangrene and malaria was big. Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes have killed more people than ISIS. Kill everybody. It's just only really recently, the turn of this last century, that industrialization kind of let us kind of sit for a second and think. Yeah, and that ain't good.

In order to think back in the day, this is going to sound horrible, but this is the truth. In order to have a moment to think and figure things out like Aristotle or even Frederick Douglass or Thomas Jefferson, slavery. You had to have your shit taken care of for you. You had to have shit taken care of you had to have shit taken care of for you in order to sit around and kind of be a community of contemplative to be a contemplate everything yeah you know wow that's that's heavy yeah I mean that this is the you know Isaac Newton probably had a few that we don't know about yeah he created electricity

or whatever so they were just like all right let right, let's not talk about who was taking care of the house. He also died a virgin, so he's not even thinking about vagina. Not even thinking. Which that takes up nine-tenths of your brain, you know? And one of the big things he figured out, he figured out during the Spanish flu when everyone was quarantining. It's an interesting fact, yeah. Whoa, how about that? How about that, yeah.

Man. Yeah, but that theory's really not foolproof. I don't want to say it's a foolproof that you need slaves in order to think. That's basically what it sounds like I said. But there's some truth to it. There's something there because the internet, you get a package overnight. You can just get everything online now. You used to have to go to the airport or call the airport.

Now it's just boop, boop, boop, boop. All that shit adds up. We have a lot of free time, which we think, I got all this free time. I can learn the piano or write a novel but we don't do that do we we go into netflix we go into fucking food delivery and we go into social media and porn right and also you think about how prevalent slavery was throughout history i mean it's just like oh i mean pyramids yeah slavery slavery was is the oldest is as old as prostitution slavery and prostitution and almost every group's been enslaved at some point even the waspy people who did a lot of the enslaving recently were enslaved

before that by greeks and by romans and they were barbarians yeah the irish were slaved and nobody likes to hear that i feel like black people kind of cornered the slave market yeah and there's a lot of slavery slave countries out there yeah i mean the word slave comes from slav from because they were, to the Ottomans, enslaved Greeks, the Slavic people, so they called them Slav.

Yeah, I mean, there's been a lot of slavery. Yeah, yeah, and it sucks. We're not defending it, but it also gets, a lot of shit gets done. They built the pyramids

and yeah, I mean, but I don't even think we could even, a lot of these progressive ideas that we just take for granted and say like, hey, that's the right thing. I think a granted and say like, Hey, that's the right thing. I think a lot of people forget that like,

that's the right thing only because we figured all this shit out. Right. Like machines are doing shit. And so it's like, we're free to be a little nicer to each other. Maybe in 500 years, we're going to go, can you believe in 2021?

They had janitors. They made people take out the garbage, all that shit. Cause those are the modern day you know we all we still need ditch diggers yeah you know but with the with the ai and all that coming in we're gonna go i can't believe we appointed that to some poor guy yeah and i always think like when they call someone a nice guy oh he's such a nice guy i'm like is he really or is he just like well fed what do you mean like he can afford to be a nice guy he's young

people want to fuck him right he doesn't have to work in the field 100 hours a day I learned this from being around old people like when you're

in an old folks home and you're like a lot of them get nasty because the true who they are comes out the only really good people I think are on this planet

are if you find a sweet old person yes they're really a good person because they're old and they got nothing to be sweet about because sweet old person yes they're really a good person because they're old and they got nothing to be sweet about because being old sucks you piss a hundred times a day your pussy's dried up and i'm sure it's very horrible your body your tits your tits are

sagging you look like shit you're gonna die soon you think about that every day you can only enjoy applesauce your teeth are falling out right and you're still sweet you're good but most old people are cunts and racist oh god old people go in there and like and then the people take care of them and they're going they're fucking calling them every slur in the book right the jamaican lady gets nobody's canceling these old people they're allowed to get away with fucking murder god cancels them eventually i guess so that's what it is so why not go hard at the end? But if I was old, just do heroin and shit. You're right. Yeah. That's a good way to do it.

But yeah, I mean, that's why I think like, so modernity is kind of like industrialization and now tech too. Yeah. We've had that second revolution tech. Makes our lives so easy. Right. Maybe that's why everyone's pretending like they're this great person. It's because they can, maybe it's because it's afforded to them.

They can sit around in San Francisco and just everything's made for them. So they're sitting around going like, I'm just a virtuous person. Like, dude, if I took one of these things away from me, you'd eat your own sister to survive. That's a great point. We've all seen Alive or whatever those shows are like survival in the forest. It's all you out there and you ain't happy. Nobody's whistling Dixie while they're killing a squirrel and ripping the fur off you're right you're right but it it's just how it goes

and we have too much time and then struggle is so uh what's the in vogue it's so hip now to be struggling have you noticed like every white guy is like yeah i'm white but i'm on the spectrum right i have depression i have anxiety my dad fucked me i'm half jew whatever it is everybody's like we used to hide that shit i was a bedwetter i had horrible teeth i got braces i would never smile now people like i wet the bed i'm struggling please i'm one of the good ones we have to we have to go in on our struggles because it's so easy now everything's so easy yeah it's like a currency and victimhood, now you do a one-man show about the time you got groped, you know? But it used to be like, should I get groped? I'm keeping that shit down.

Yeah, it's not a good time to be an Irish Catholic. Those skills are useless now. Right. Yeah, because they used to just push it down and pretend like it didn't happen. Now it's like, no, dude, that's great stuff. Write a show on it. Yeah, exactly. You're going to make millions. Thank God you got groped. That's how we look at it. Do you're gonna make millions thank god you got groped that's how we look at it

do you think the comics life and the normal person's life are at odds like do you picture yourself having a normal life family or are you just a road dog you're going i'm going you know i'm flying a babe i'm off to norway to do a month uh in my shows in my head i'm that guy i'm just oh god kids it seems like you have a kid now yeah and bill burr as a kid and nate's got kids and all these people have kids uh gomez has a fucking kids chris d has a kid so you're like you're not saying everyone should have kids we're just saying they do have kids yes yes and i think i would like that i see photos and i and the love my god the love like bill burr always says i want to just put it in my chest i love it so much and i think that's beautiful that's great you picture the catch

but uh i also spend two days at my sister's uh or my girlfriend's sister's house and it's crying it's shitting it's throwing shit it's puking and you're like i'm so glad i get to leave yeah and not that there's anything wrong with this kid it's just a normal kid but you're like oh it's so nice having uh just the couch i'm watching the the yankees game you know so that part is i struggle with that's also i think seems like a luxury of modernity yeah because it used to be people were like i'm going to have a kid to have a better life because my life's so that yeah and also something to do yeah i got somebody to raise and help out working in the house there's a reason people have done it over generations and millions of years because there is some beauty to it of course obviously you're just putting out a

person into the world and you're raising them it's amazing but you had that old joke about we all our parents built us a great life so we don't want to have kids and ruin that great life they built. That was a great bit. Yeah. And it's so true. Yeah. My grandfather used to say, I worked so hard so you didn't have to. And I'm like, thank you?

Yeah. So I'm living my dream for you right now by not working. So don't be mad at me. I'm not working. That was your dream. I'm living it. But what do you think? You have a kid.

Tell me. Should I do it? Is it worth it? Honestly. Yeah. I think, I do think at the end of the day, it's sort of a luxury question that we can ask

because things are so easy and we're like, you know. Right. So I think at the end of the day, it's what you want to do. I mean, it's like, I mean, you know, sure, if you want the Chinese and Mexicans to take over,

don't have any kids by all means. That's a joke. See, that's a joke about demographics. I'm not a white supremacist. I put myself on notice, I promise. It's a joke. You have kids? Okay, okay.

I think it's a thing I was scared of, to be completely honest with you. It was a thing that I was scared of. Obviously, I got late. I was late, too. Sure. Because I think comedians, we have a rest of development to begin with. I our job is to play around and it takes a while to get good and so we're a little later than everybody but i do think when you get to your level where things are amazing and you're a known comic and you're you're you know you got you're fortunate enough to have money and you're

you're you know people are coming to see you and you're you know you start to think about all right what's what's the 50s look like what's the 60s look like exactly and that's when you go like all right yeah i don't know if i want to be you know i'm not have a family when i'm at that that's what hits me yeah so that that's where i think and now that i have a family yeah it's incredible there's it's like you you you go like oh what's the point of life you ask those questions when you're young and then you reproduce and you're going's the point of life? You ask those questions when you're young, and then you reproduce, and you're going, oh, the point of life is this fucking no different for me than it is a strawberry, a string bean, or a fucking hyena. We're all here to just fucking push out another one and die.

Yes. That's really what it's for. All this other shit is just fucking waste time. Yeah, yeah. But the thing that you feel like that nature tug, where you feel like you fulfilled something is having a kid it's it's just the simplest thing and it's stupid and it's no different everything even bacteria fucking reproduces you're right viruses i mean so it's like we're it's also humbly to go like oh we're just uh fucking evolved life right here to reproduce no different than string beans yeah

we're a bunch of monkeys fighting on a spinning marble or whatever that quote is that's not mine that's some genius guy. It's true, yeah. It's true, and I think you're right. And it just brings, if everybody on Twitter had a kid, I feel like Twitter would chill the fuck out. Because they're wiping asses. They're putting it to bed. They have a thing to do now.

They have a real problem. I'll put it to you in comedian language, though. Please. Whole lot of new material. But then I want to be the kid comic guy yeah you don't want to be that guy right going ah i was cleaning up yeah yeah yeah exactly but i think that's kind of maybe a little bit inevitable because your audience also here's another thing if you want to talk think like a comic it's like you're a certain age your audience

now a lot of them are having kids good point so you want to relate to the audience and then as you go 10 years further they definitely have kids right so it's kind of like you want to at least because you can't you can't continue to talk to people who are younger because they're looking at you going you know why am i listening to this fucking guy yeah unless you're cool like george carlin you grow the ponytail you smoke weed you wear black yeah you know shit like that it was also a funner time in the 50s when you could just have a kid and give it to the lady and then go go to work you know those days are over that would be a funny uh that would be a funny title for a special give it to the lady you just hand any burden to the lady yeah you fucking handle this it does suck for women because

it's like well this is just biology like we we know we're trying to be so level playing field which is good and progressive and all that but like if you look at any animal show there's like strict gender roles there's a lot of rape there's a lot of violence there's a lot of territorial bullshit yeah like i don't know ladies you you have the baby you know as much as we we change gender and all that like you have eggs in you you have a baby and then you have this weird connection to it maybe even more than a man yeah no you I I know that for a fact now that I have a kid yeah and it's like that's why a lot of some of this modern feminism is just right I'll just outright say it's it's because because the baby wants its mom yes and here's the thing the mom wants its baby yes I mean my wife is like completely devoted to that baby in a way that like I'm not engineered to be.

And there's points where I'm just going like, I just want to hand it to her and go fix what's going on. Right, right. And she does. Yeah. Because it's like there's a tit that makes food for the baby that's there. Yep. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? I know.

It's like women, and back in the day, again, another example of like before the Industrial Revolution or whatever, it's like, do you guys want to work in the coal mines with us? Yeah, exactly. Like, what do you, you want to fucking come shovel? It's like, you have to raise the kid or else the kid just dies. Yes. You can't just leave a baby with me and Mark Norman. We're going to kick it around like a fucking soccer ball. Yeah, that's why the biggest misogynist is biology.

Like, it sucks for women that this is how it is and I feel for them and it's just a bad hand to be dealt. But that's my point is it doesn't suck because they love it. But why do they pretend they don't? Because they're cunts!

No, I'm joking. They're lying. I think a lot of it is modern kind of like, oh my God, like, you know, this is so unfair. You guys are out there

earning a living and then it's like, that's, don't you love, what do you want to work? You don't want to be with your baby and then when they have the baby they all they want to do is be with the baby right it's like if they don't then there's something weird about that that's true yeah sorry to cut you off but i just felt like i wanted to make that point where it's like does it suck to be with your baby if you got tits and it wants to eat off your tit

maybe it's a youth thing where they go you know you're 22 going i don't want to be that soccer mom uh idiot staying at home wiping spittle off the shoulder but maybe it's in them a little bit yeah i just want to say hey ladies you know you may want to think about the future a little bit i mean you know it's you don't age as well as men so you might want to settle down your biological clock only lasts to about 30 something before it gets dangerous to have a kid so it's like those are just facts facts yeah nobody likes those anymore people don't like facts no they don't like them it's just people go oh how come it's for a kid uh man it's like hey we didn't make the rules god made it or whatever made it so we could fuck till we're 80 you know right like alec baldwin has a new family i know he's a senior citizen he's got like 10 new kids in his 60s yeah so it's like is that because

alec baldwin's a bad guy or is it just because God's a bad guy? God's a bad guy. God's a guy. That's how you know he's a guy is because he's bad. Good boy. He made it so guys could reproduce to the 80s and women have like five years when it's appropriate to fuck. Otherwise, you're on MTV's Teen Mom. That's also why women call women whores.

Like all we talk about is anti-slut. Because they are. But yeah, but then they go, hey, what about about this whore she's fucking this guy who's married and you're like i thought it was okay to slut be slutty right it's very confusing it's very you have a great joke about that i do you have a great yeah you have a joke about yeah you want me to be respectful and right right yeah i come in you look at your it's it was it's a great joke that really nails it dang that that joke took like six months to get to work, so I appreciate that. That was a great joke. You're a great comic.

Oh, thanks. I'm trying. One of the best. The thing I love about you, too, is you write great jokes, but also the jokes sometimes have a little substance to them, or they can be edgy. And then you go, hey, I'm just kidding. You just fire off some shots. Norman's sneaky like that. And that's what's so funny about him, is he'll you go, hey, you just fire off some shots. Norman's sneaky like that,

and that's what's so funny about him, is he'll say something, then he'll just throw up some fucking finger pops, and you go, wait, did he just say that? Yeah, he did.

He goes, no, we're all Jews, it's okay. But I try to just stick with the facts. I try not to do any opinion, because if it comes down to it, I can just go,

here's a textbook. Sorry, don't get mad at me, because we get mad at the comic now, instead of getting mad at the actual event or the fact. Right, right. We just kill the messenger. Shane Gillis got in trouble for saying a slur, but they didn't hire any Asians. Right.

Isn't that worse? Right. That's a racist action. Why would you get mad about that? But it's easier. It's a package. On paper, on video, we got it. Headline.

Right. This is like years and years of not hiring one that's not really doesn't really pop like this one pops that's actually a good point i didn't think actually all the time shane gillis is like the best thing that happened for asian comics on saturday night right because now we gotta get a boatload in here. Get the whole rice paddy. He actually awakened them to the, he awakened everyone to the fact that SNL was racist because they didn't have any Asians. Exactly, exactly.

But they don't attack them as much. But you need the face. You need the problem child. Boom, poster boy. It's easier. And also blame it on someone powerless. Yes. So like when you're in power,

you can always spin it it's like what the old kings used to do oh it wasn't me and then they'd bring along some some peasant boy and cut his head off and be like it was him or right america they'd get some poor indentured servant or god forbid slave and say it was him when you know it's you're just framing someone who is powerless when you're going like hey the bigger problem is you have no agents right for decades exactly it's like the duke lacrosse thing that girl admitted to lying right but nobody talks about that because it's not as fun well these whole team raped a chick and the coach got fired i remember the coach went back was like okay it was it was not true can i have them they were like

nah look it's optics yeah like so nothing happened and I'm still fired. Right. That's what's wrong with our system. It's just, it's a lot of, well, that just feels weird. Yeah, no,

no good. The Duke, the Duke lacrosse team was one of the first. Yeah. That was like, that was like convicted before trial or anything.

Right. Convicted by media. Right. Which is now media just goes like, ah, he's guilty. Yeah,

because you're right. Even comedians now, a big like kind of hack, we all do it. If like we're doing crowd work, we see like six white guys sitting there we're always like ah the degree the duke lacrosse team all the time yeah all the time we have frat got a couple of rapists over here like there's some guys like i've never i'm a virgin i've never raped anybody but i'm a rapist now but it's just yeah you're like yeah the duke lacrosse guys uh they said rape those guys but didn't rape those guys right you look like a bunch of guys who would be accused of rape but then exonerated that's too much yeah comedy needs to be quick

yeah it's got to be quick i mean look like every black comic's like hey these white people hate spicy food i'm like i'm like i love hot sauce i grew up on hot sauce i got i ate i'm like hillary clinton i got eight hot sauces in my jacket but i get it it's a joke i'm not an idiot but not your lacoste jacket anymore ah Ah, that's gone. It's hung up. It's hanging up in the house. But you still went with the similar look with the jacket. I just like the jacket.

It's a little warm in here. I'm kind of sweating, but I keep the jacket on. Yeah. I feel safe. Well, this was, thank you for being my first guest. Oh, geez.

Is it over? Yeah. I'm trying to figure out what we're doing, but this was just such a fun conversation. We were going to go live like we do, but I forgot, and my phone's charging charging so that's fine but uh none uh i couldn't think of a better guest to have for my first guest long days podcast is going pretty good to start oh nice yeah good for you you bring in big numbers so thank you we'll see yeah when you come in

so the great mark norman you guys know him check him out he's got uh you got two podcasts yeah yeah well that's the name of the game, you know. It's Tuesdays with Stories, and We Might Be Drunk. One's about boozing. One's about everything else. So give it a whirl. It's offensive. It's irreverent.

It's gay. Go nuts. And check out Out to Lunch on YouTube. Check out his special. I think it's like at 8 million now. What is it? Six, six and a half-ish. So doing great.

I mean, I was, YouTube was a failure in my eyes. I was crushed. And now I'm so glad it's on YouTube. Yes. I mean, that's, people can just constantly keep discovering it that way. Exactly. There's going to be a few people who go check it out from that. I hope.

Go check out his hour special on YouTube. Google all his Conan sets, all his late night sets. Follow his podcast. Go see him live on the road. Check his website. I mean, it's pretty easy now. Just if you're interested in Mark Norman, put the name Mark Norman. And there's probably like only a few people who don't know you

because they're all comedy fans. Oh, great. Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it. And just huge fan, the whole thing. It's good to see you just cooking again. You're up and at them. I feel like we lost you for four years. I don know where you went it's called the career dip but yeah it's

good to see i mean sure you're in the middle of what are we in connecticut right now i don't know where we are but uh it's great to be a great cn thing it's an honor to be on the show yeah well you know i was you never know how things are good things have changed because i would think we'd hopefully be having this conversation on if this was like before the internet like we didn't see the internet coming like this it would have been i would have been on your show you would have a talk show like letterman and stuff i'd be sitting there doing a five minute set going and you'd have me on because you knew me from back in the day now we're just sitting in my old apartment and this is tv now this is tv yeah it's very strange everything flips, at one point, asses used to be small.

Right. And now they're huge and they're great and we love them. TVs were fat, asses were small, and it's flipped. It's flipped, yeah. So you never know what's going to happen, folks. What you're basically saying is white guys are going to come back in. We're out now, but we're coming back. White guys are tits.

I feel like we're always hanging in there, you know? On that note, peace out.