Yannis Pappas Hour - Maurica & Tim Dillon - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Bonus

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

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Down as poppers. Hey guys, welcome to the Rigorous Podcast. This is Shannon, the producer. I am here, as always, with the Queen, Maresa. Holy shit, that's got a good feel to it. You was real shy, too. You're going to get better at it. Did we fight? There's no Angelo.

People are saying right now, they didn't hear the air horns they didn't hear that crazy hard bx kind of hip-hop yo what's up people mommy's over here and shanny over there so you people who've always been trying to get rid of angelo you're really happy right now because angelo is not here he's on a mission he went on to a bowling tour he went with to some comedy central bowling tour so they saw his shirts on this podcast and they say you know what we really like your bowling shirts and we want you to go out there and do a comedy central sponsored bowling contest and shit so that was shannon this is marisa that's it we don't have angelo this week this is the first time out angelo and. And Shannon, he was nervous too.

He was nervous. Did you see him? He texted both of us and he said, yo, should I call in? I was like, what, you nervous that you're never going to be back? Because as I said on the previous, you're not really a sports fan. I'm going to get to our guests in a second. But I said, Shannon's like Tom Brady.

We drafted Tom Brady and Angelo was sitting there Like Drew Bloodso As soon as Drew Bloodso Gets hurt Shannon going to move Into that seat And this podcast Going to sound like

A mouse squeak fight Cause she got that High pitchy voice Right And you know Shannon I do Everybody I'm sitting here We got another guest

Yes We got another funny comedian here Thank you for having me That's right That's right Nice to have you And you got your own podcast With Shannon's on that too

Yeah it's called Tim Dillon's Going to Hell. And you be keeping her busy. That's why she works like a Jamaican. She got 12 of these shows and shit. Yeah, she's always on Google pulling shit up. That's it. So we're here with Tim Dillon. He's a very funny comedian and shit. That's right. He's just starting to do good. Yes.

It's year 8, so it's about that time. It's about that time that I started. But you took your time. You didn't rush into that shit shit I didn't rush into it I took a nice long time walked around New York City seven or eight thousand times seven and now you're doing really good

in this business yes you're starting to get like you're getting texts from big comedians oh that's yeah that's nice thank god

thank god are you starting to get that money and shit a little bit you're starting to get a little bit of that money a little bit because in comedy

it's not easy I'm going to buy a new bed. Oh, so you're only at that stage. I want to buy, yeah, I'm only at that stage where I want to get

a really nice bed for like the first time. And you know what, Shannon, he's cute, but you know, he's not really into, he's into men like me.

So, right. We hanging together. Yeah, we're going to have to, we like the same men. We both want Westchester. We both want doctors. Exactly. Yeah, it's going to be. So we like the same men. We both want Westchester. We both want doctors.

Exactly. Yeah, it's going to be. So you want to get married or you just like being on Grindr? I don't know. It might be time to think about that. Are you on Instagram more or Grindr more? I'm on Grindr and Instagram. But Instagram, I only put, you know, pictures of omelets and shit.

So people, it's very hard for the people that are trying to fuck because all they see is the omelet. But it's a very good omelet it's three eggs it's very light it's fluffy and when you for your Grindr profile you can't put your abs on there

no I don't have my abs it's also an omelet so you put an omelet on there too it's an omelet but sometimes people get really freaky online and want to do weird shit

with you so no it's yeah I put I don't put my abs I put my head you put your head there that's right

you're cute, too. I lead with the face and the head. You got like a, you got a, you're a handsome face, Shana. Yeah. And you got one of those like cozy looks. Don't he look cozy, Shana? Like a teddy bear. He looks, thank you.

He's very sweet. Thank you, Shana. Thank you for being here. Yes, thank you so much. You basically replaced, maybe you're going to replace Angela. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows?

Shana was away this week. Yeah. She was gone, so we was missing her, but we was all following her excursion on Instagram. Yes. That bitch was in Italy. That's crazy. You went to Italy and shit. I did.

How classy is that? And I brought you back a present. You brought me a present from Italy? I did. Let me see the shit. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Look at that.

Oh, my God. Can they see this in the movies here yeah this is a fan oh my god shit we are girlfriends that's so nice i didn't even get you anything did she get that at the airport or did she get it oh please this is classy she got this shit at a store it's like a boutique this shit was also probably made in Italy, right? Right. In Venice. So Venezia, that's Venezuela? Yeah. What's this, Venice? Venice, yeah. And this is in Italy?

Yeah. How classy was Italy, Shannon? That sounds amazing. It was very classy. You would have loved it. Oh my God, thank you so much, girl. I appreciate that shit. You've never gone overseas?

I haven't been anywhere. I'm trying to... Really? I've been to... I take the train to Westeros. That's where I'm trying to go. That's as high as mine. If I need to get to Paris, I'm going either to Paris. Yeah. I didn't even anywhere I'm trying Really I've been to I take the train to Westchester That's where I'm trying to go That's as high as mine If I need to get to Paris

I'm going either to Paris Yeah I didn't even know about Venezia Yeah but you could go to The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas It's the same thing Same shit It's the same shit

What's more classy you think Westchester or Venezia I don't know I think Westchester I gotta be honest with you You look like a Westchester Yeah Where you from

I like Westchester I'm from Long Island Oh you from Long Island Westchester's a classier Long Island Yeah Long Island That's kind of like a westchester yeah i like westchester i'm from long island oh you're from long island westchester is a classier long island yeah long island yeah that's kind of like a step down from westchester 100 percent you know yeah westchester is nice you have like a golden retriever and a porch holy shit and it's nice that's my dream like you got a rug and you drink earl grey tea on the porch yes that's the way it is i want to go to one of those tea stores and buy yes those flavored teas.

Yeah, you have all the different teas. Darjeelings, whatever you want. All the different teas. I want to walk around the mall. Yes, that's nice. You did that growing up in Long Island? Yes, I would go to the mall and we would do, sometimes me and my friends would walk around the food court

and we would smoke a lot of weed and be high and then they would give us the free samples of chicken, the bourbon chicken. Holy shit. Yeah, it was very nice. And you also probably went into the Abercrombie & Fitch. Didn't get a shirt. To the Abercrombie & Fitch.

And then sometimes we would have sleepovers and everybody would touch everybody's dick as a joke. Holy shit. As a joke. It was funny as a joke. I wish I was at those sleepovers. I know. It was fun. You were happy.

That was great. They didn't even know you loved those sleepovers. I know. But it was just like fun. A lot of them probably turned into like in girls. You stayed that way. Yeah, no, they have married now, but I was not invited to any of the weddings. You think some of them is fucking men on the down low behind their wives?

I don't know. I don't know. Not me, sadly. But I think they're probably just straight now. But, you know, when you're 11th grade, sometimes you're like, oh, let me touch his dick. It's funny. Everybody's experimenting at that time. Everybody's experimenting.

How many down? You think there's a lot of down time Everybody's experimenting How many You think there's a lot Of download gays out there I think there's a lot Of download gays out there So how come they don't Just come out I mean it's 2017 Just be yourself

I know Like you You're being who you want to be I know But some people Don't feel connected To the gay culture And then they also

Don't feel like they're straight So there's like Nowhere for them to go Is that like you too I know But for me I can go places What's your situation

What do you feel connected to Netflix Netflix Yeah that's really what i feel connected to but you just hbo hbo right so you're more of a loner i'm more of a loner i'm i'm just trying to pitch the tent and have my own circus that's it yeah just trying to do my own thing house in scarsdale it's a stone house it has limestone it's beautiful wait a second that's Are you telling me that's where you live right now? No, but that's where I want to live. Because if you was living there right now, shit. I live in a historic... I would turn back into a man for you.

That's it, Shannon. I appreciate that. I would start taking hormone therapy and just become Maurice again. That's it. I appreciate that. I don't give a shit. We want to live the same life. I would live like a man if you put me in a stone house in West Charleston.

Yeah, I like that. That's nice. That's what we're trying to be. Holy shit. Yeah. Nice restaurant by the train station. Oh, shit. That would be a weird relationship if we was together.

Yes, that would be very strange. Because I would have to be a man for you to be attracted to me. Yes. And then I would be attracted to you. Yes. But in my mind, I would have to pretend that you were straight. Yes. That shit would be weird.

It would be crazy. Shannon, you heard that trippy shit? It would be crazy. But why not? It's 2017. We don't figure that shit out. I agree with you. Yo, for money and for Westchester, I'm willing to make a lot of compromises.

We'd have a hit Tumblr. I'm saying, I'm willing to make a lot of compromises for that shit. I agree. So who do you hang out with? You hang out with Shannon afterwards? No. Well, Shannon lives in Staten Island, so she lives far away. She lives on her own island.

She's the Staten Island princess. Yeah, she lives on her own island. She's the Staten Island princess. Yeah, she lives on her own island. So if you want to hang out with Shannon, you have to take a boat or a plane. That bitch gets on a ferry every day. Yeah, she gets on a ferry. But I hang out with the comedians that I see because I do comedy. And then I have some friends that don't do comedy, and I see them when I can. But I travel a lot.

This is a good way to know what stage you are with comedy. Yeah. Are you still taking the train? No, I do Uber. Are you still taking the train? No, I do Uber. Are you Uber? I'm at the Uber stage. That's when shit starts to get good. Yeah, I'm Ubering. You can afford your own budget chauffeur. Yeah, I do Uber.

But sometimes I do Uber pool. But you're not at a car. You don't got a car and shit. Not yet. And when did you live in New York City? I live in Astoria. Oh, you live in Astoria. But you're not trying to stay in Astoria. No. You're trying to move to LA. No, yeah. I'm trying to go to LA. I don't even want to be in New York City? I live in Astoria. Oh, you live in Astoria. But you're not trying to stay in Astoria. No. You're trying to move to LA. No, yeah. I'm trying to go to LA.

I don't even want to be in New York City. New York City is for ugly people. You're done with this shit. Yes. I've had enough of this. You want to go to LA. I've had enough of people who think they're Duke Ellington. I want some real monsters.

Take me to LA with you. LA might be nice. We live at Topanga Canyon. That's it. And maybe outside you fight a coyote. Is there a lot of this? So the house has got grass there in LA? Yeah, it's beautiful. It's like a desert.

That's right. It's like a desert. And it's beautiful. I would blow up in LA too, right? You would be huge in LA. As soon as I entered that city. You would love it. You just eat guacamole and drink tequila in LA.

I'm a vegetarian too. That's interesting. And all of Los Angeles is like vegans, right? Yeah, they don't even eat red meat. They just eat each other. They eat children, but they won't eat meat. Oh, that's because it's a cynical city. Yes, they don't even eat red meat. They just eat each other. They eat children, but they won't eat meat. Oh, that's because it's a cynical city.

Yes, they just eat everybody and the pedophilia, but they don't eat red meat, which is nice. That's not rigorous, that pedophilia shit. Yeah, it's not rigorous at all. That's not rigorous

what they're doing out there. It's unfortunate. There's a lot of this shit going on and there's a lot of people touching these girls. Yeah, it's coming out. Everybody's doing the wrong thing. Yo, Harvey Weinstein

is on some dirtbag shit. Do you have a story? Does anybody ever, ever, ever just fucked with Maurice? Nobody's ever fucked with me. They're not stupid. I'm going to fuck them up. Shit.

They can try to attack me. You can take the LES out the girl. You can't take the LES out the girl. Right. I just repeated it twice like George Bush. I don't care. Right. You got the point and shit.

You can take the girl out the LES. You cannot take the LES out the girl. Right. I'll fuck somebody up on the train. You'll pull a blade. That's it. I'll just fuck you up with the hands. I got quick hands and shit.

Your jewelry is like weapons. You could really. I take You pull a blade. That's it. I just fuck you up with the hands. I got quick hands and shit. Your jewelry is like weapons. You could really. I take these off these areas. We go at it. I don't give a fuck. When it comes to that, I keep that shit straight hood like that. To the streets. We take the shit off.

We fight it out. That's it. Nobody fucks with me and shit. Right. But nobody ever tries anything because my charisma is always entering the room first. Right. So they get hypnotized like Poison Ivy from the Batman movies. Right.

And nobody tries shit So everybody's a gentleman Even on the six train Absolutely I be touching they dicks too Right of course I be walking up to people Just touching dicks

Right right Sexual assault I don't know No I don't think so I don't think so I don't think so I'm exploring Yes

I'm a sociologist Right I'm a dickiologist and shit Right yeah You're just figuring it out That's it The only thing they do Is go whoa

Like Joey from Blossom That's it When I touch that dick That's it Whoa I like that Whoa is go Whoa Like Joey from Blossom That's it when I touch that dick That's it Whoa I like that Whoa If you went up and touched a dick

Then you might have a problem People get angry But people also think That I wasn't touching it sexually Like I was trying to be their bro And they would laugh And then also maybe touch my dick That's a good trick

See that's my trick And that's what I used to do We'd be like Isn't this funny And then But eventually Once you start blowing them They know it's not a joke

They know the joke is over Yeah it's right up until blowing them And then they're like oh this you have to stop you went from a comedy to a steven spielberg drama right in the beginning they're like oh this is really funny but then it's like oh this isn't that funny holy shit so so it's sort of like punch drunk love the movie that's what it is like is this a comedy or is this for real right right punch drunk love it's like watching um the royal tenenbaum yes it's right you love the royal tenenbaum then what the real time are you i'm just saying like a movie like that you said new york comedy is it a drama what is it you kind of are you a fan i don't know you like tv you like netflix

i like to watch it out of netflix yeah i like to watch movies certain movies i watch over and over again and share what's your favorite movies yeahies? Yeah I mean we talked about it Endlessly on this podcast But Shannon knows My favorite movie During this season I'm very seasonal with my movies Yeah So right now I'm about to hit the elf

I'm going to elf Yeah yeah yeah That's it You love Christmas Oh shit Hot chocolate Oh of course And then vacation

Yeah That's an underrated vacation Christmas vacation Christmas vacation That's a great one That's really underrated That's a good one People always go to that

Chris Lee Brinkley first one But the second one Is really funny too But Elf is my favorite Yeah And then during like During fall I'm all about that

Hocus Pocus Yeah That's it You don't like Bette Midler You gay You don't like Bette Midler No I like Hocus Pocus I think it's great

But tell me you don't like Bette Midler I do like Bette Midler Who's your favorite I don't know The fat one Kathy Najimy You got to be into some gay shit I am I like Hocus Pocus You like Kathy Naj Midler. Who's your favorite? I don't know. The fat one. Kathy Najimy. You'd like to be into some gay shit. I am.

I like Hocus Pocus. You like Kathy Najimy? Yeah, because she's fat and she's a comedian. She is, but she disappeared. I know. Something happened. I don't know what happened. She did something with Wookiee Goldberg and that was it.

That was it. I don't know what happened to her. But maybe she's a manager now with the Denny's. That's it. She's happy. What kind of singers do you like? Whitney Houston? Whitney Houston's great.

She's probably the best singer. What music are you listening to? All kinds of different music. What kind of singers do you like? Whitney Houston? Whitney Houston's great. She's probably the best singer. What music are you listening to? All kinds of different music. What's your favorite? I like sometimes folk music, like old people from the South who are angry, and they play guitars, and no one really listens to that.

You're unique. Do you know that? Yeah, I like that stuff. You're a unique person. It's like an American storyteller. I don't even know what to make of you. I don't either. I don't know what you're doing.

I do, but it's nice. Sometimes it's the folk music. You were really close to blowing up a post office. That's the energy I get from him. They sing about lakes. You got saved by entertainment. Yeah, I agree with you.

There would be a body in your basement. There might be now. In Long Island. Right. I'm hoping to get LA and put all the bodies in the basement. You was about to be

dressing up as a clown putting boys in the cellar. Yes, that's true. Some John Wayne Gacy shit. Now I only do half of that. I just dress up like a clown now. That's it. Right. Yeah, there's no boys in the cellar Yes that's true Some John Wayne Gacy shit Now I only do half of that I just dress up like a clown now That's it Right yeah

There's no boys in the cellar But you're really funny I seen your material and shit Well I appreciate that Thank you I didn't know you went out to clubs But thank you I do go out

Yeah to date I be hanging out with Angelo Lozada He's my best friend Yeah he's very funny Well kinda he's like Right now Shannon And him is like a tie

Wow Cause I tell you what Let me tell you something right now, Shannon. This motherfucker Angelo, I don't even know where he is. I think because he was so nervous about not being on this show and me and you talking that he forgot to tell me where he was because he was so busy trying to call in. He was like, let me call him. And we didn't even respond to him.

He's jealous of Shannon. He's just nervous because a couple of people don't like that he calls me mommy and that he cuts me off because they're not listening for Angelo Lozada. They listen to Marisa. They listen for you. You're the star. Shannon is nice because Shannon, when she speaks, she just squeaks and she doesn't really talk that much.

She sounds like a mouse. She just sounds like she's trying to get air. She trying to get air. That's what it sounds like. That's what it does sound like. She got that real hype for that shit. Have you ever got drunk with her? That bitch is Judy Foster from The Accused.

Oh, really? What, did she just talk? She goes crazy. No, she's like a gremlin. Oh, wow. Yeah, you pour a little liquor down that throat, that bitch goes crazy. Oh, wow. That's when we bonded, too.

I didn't know that. And check this out. You want to hear this story? Oh, boy. Before she left for Italy. Yeah. And then we go, we may have to wait till the next episode, because Tim Dillon is really interesting, but we got to talk about Italy. So don't worry. Shannon,annon first of all i don't know if i gave you the proper thank you for

this fan i'm sorry i didn't get you this made me feel bad now i need i should have got you something for i was in brooklyn on tuesday i should have brought you some zeppelis or some shit that would have been nice i mean it's not traveling but it's a gesture right i mean that's the thing when you get a you feel bad when somebody gives you a present and you don't get one back no i know but but you don't you know like you say you maybe the next time you go somewhere for like a foreign like a hoboken you get her something well that's what i'm going to do yeah you want to get her something nice i have my fan here that there was a fan this is crazy that she got me this fan because there was we talked about this on the podcast me and angela was doing a live show and there was a fan in New Jersey

who gave me a fan oh wow and I've been using that shit till now wow but guess what I just upgraded cause this shit

says Valencia on there that's right and that other shit was out in it's Venice Venice that whole city is made of water

that shit is made and everybody goes around in boats that's fucking classy that's classy they're on gondolas and people sing to them on a gondola

so listen to whoever gave me that fan in Hasbro Heights. Thank you for that fan. But that shit is like a flip phone. And I just got my first iPhone. That's it. That's right. You got the 7.

That's the iPhone 7. That's not the 8, but just the 7. 7. That's nice. What would the 8 be? Paris? Paris. I didn't even know I was into fans until she got me this fan.

Yeah. I want to get all the cities in Italy now Yeah Thank you for thinking of me That's so nice Would you like Italian guys Or no you don't want Italian Do I like Italian guys

Really I don't know Shit Okay You like to suck dick Yeah Yeah Yeah That's a strange question

Of course I like Italian guys I didn't know I didn't know if you I like all men as long as they classy I'm just not on that Me head gorilla shit Right That's when I was a young girl.

Well, you know, when I became a young girl. Right. That I was on to... I was into that meathead gorilla shit. Right. I was all into, oh shit, he looks like he works out. Right. You know, I want him to pick me up.

Right. I want him to throw me around. Right. But now I'm into that classy shit. Right. I want somebody who's reading. Right. I want somebody who knows what's going on in the newspapers.

Right. Who can take me to Westchester.chester right get me a hard-boiled egg he's not gonna punch you in a chinese restaurant that's right right yeah somebody absolutely somebody who's going to take me to cafeteria yeah somebody who went to like a nice school like a dowling or something like that you know private school oh private really oh shit i'm on that private school wow are you serious yeah well two years ago i was on that catholic school shit shit, I'm on that private school. Okay, interesting. Wow, so that's serious. Yeah, well, two years ago I was on that Catholic school shit. Really? But now I want some private school tuition. Yeah, because the Catholic schools are Irish little dicks and red people.

The dick don't matter to me. Right, it doesn't matter. As long as that money's straight, I'll figure out the dick. Like I said, I'm willing to make a lot of sacrifices for that money. You'll build your own dick. Right, that's it. You'll figure out a way. That's it.

Yeah, absolutely. I don't give a shit. Well, I'll just cheat on him. Right, right. Money, that big guy just cheat on him. Right, right. I just cheat on him. Right, it's true. The most important thing is getting that lifestyle. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. That's what I think. I'm trying to move on up like the Jeffersons. Yeah, you just want to have a place to go. I want to live on the Upper West Side. Oh, the Upper West Side. And then have a place in Scarsdale. Yeah, that's nice.

What do you think is happening? Teach me about Westchester because you know the city. Well, Westchester is really, the three places to be, there's a lot of places to be in Westchester, but really there's a lot of nice places. There are places like Katona, which is really nice. You don't even know what that is yet. I'm listening because I heard an Indian name, so I'm in there.

That's what I mean. That's it. And it's where all the women, and the men, they wear those Patagonia jackets, and they drink coffee at the train station. And they talk about the The economy Like they're worried But they have so much money But it's very stylish right now

To kind of be like You know Things are you know And they're just kind of They're really down to earth And then you go to places Like Chappaqua So they make problems

When they don't have problems Yes they don't have problems I love that I want that lifestyle That's the lifestyle And then maybe you go to Chappaqua with the Clintons They live in Chappaqua

That's another Indian name There's big money up in Chappaqua. Holy shit. Beautiful estates. Yeah, you get security and you have a black SUV because you want to look like the Obamas,

you know, going everywhere. That's right. That's the way you live. I want to live in a place that has an ADT sign on the lawn. And then if you're crazy, here's how full circle it goes. Yeah.

The most elite part of Westchester is actually called Bronxville. Bronxville? Bronxville. That's tripping my head out. That's tripping you out. Because I don't even believe Yonkers is part of Westchester. Bronxville? Bronxville. That's tripping my head out. It's tripping you out. Because I don't even believe Yonkers is part of Westchester. It's really not.

But Bronxville is the spot. That's the top of Westchester? It's the top of Westchester. The Bronxville. There's just estates and all these hedge funds and CEOs of companies. They live in these big, beautiful estates. It's a very small town.

It's very hard to get in there. But that's like the top of Westchester. What's the easiest part of Westchester to get into? You know, you could get into maybe Hastings on the Hudson. You know your Westchester. Yeah, you could get in there a little bit.

You know what's crazy? Maybe Yonkers. I don't fuck with Yonkers. That shit is part of the Bronx to me. That's bullshit. That needs to see. The Bronx, they need to, maybe you get into like a Dobbs Ferry.

That's like starter Westchester. Like Dobbs Ferry. You have a house that's like 1.2. That's right. And you work very hard at the law firm. That's right. But it's like Dobbs Ferry and it's like whatever.

That's like the Staten Island of Westchester. It's like a Stephen King novel, the name, Dobbs Ferry. It sounds like a boat someone kills you on. And it is to the people who live in Chappaqua.

But it's a nice little town with a little church and a nice little main street with bakeries and things like that. So that might be nice for you. So the men there, they always wearing glasses and they wear silk polo shirts. Sometimes, yes. They wear the shirts for comfort. Yes, every now and then they break out like some type of like, the women wear a lot of knit. A lot of Tommy Bahama shirts. Some of that Tommy Bahama.

A lot of Tommy Bahamas. A lot of women in the winter wear like a knit, like a nice sweater or like a knit dress. And they drink a lot of different kind of tea. And they go to the one Italian restaurant on Main Street. Yes, and they drink strong coffee. Holy shit. Italian restaurant on Main Street. And then they all, you know, they have summer homes in the Hamptons.

They drive into the city only once a month. Yes, the men go in every day for work. For work, but then at night. The women might go in there for lunch with, like, a college friend they might want to reconnect with, but they don't really have anything in common, so they just drink wine and have Xanax. That's what they do.

But that's a nice afternoon. That's my life. You get really hazy, and then your driver drives you back, and then you have a few conversations with your kids before they go to prep school, and it's basically's basically like you know if she says no it's no how do you know my dreams so well well you know i study i love these people i i want to do this too you're trying to go to west chester too i've always been trying to go to west and you are like the batman and robin are trying to get to west chester right now but it's very hard we need to

come up with a plan but you might have to you might have to go somewhere else like the hudson highlands which is not westchester we'll start there though but that's what we have to come up with a plan. But you might have to go somewhere else, like the Hudson Highlands, which is not Westchester. We'll start there, though. But that's what we have to do. That's it. Because those people are artistic, and they play banjos in a nice big farmhouse. Let's pretend like we're married and get out there. We might have to do it. And they don't care if you're a man that's a woman or a woman that's a man or whatever you are.

So it's really liberal over there? If you're not a gender, they don't even care. They don't have men and women signs in the bathrooms. That's my type of place right there. It's nice. It's $24 for a scone. But if you can afford that, you don't have to be women signs in the bathrooms. That's my type of place right there. It's nice. It's $24 for a scone. But if you can afford that, you don't have to be a gender. Where is that?

That's the Hudson Highlands. That's the Hudson Highlands. Yeah. And then from there. Those places like Beacon, New York, where they restore an old theater and then have a folk music festival and then collect a bunch of money for poor people, but really then just kind of use it for the Christmas decorations in town. Holy shit.

Yeah, and they all read the New York Times and they vote for Hillary. Holy shit. They've never met a poor person. It's raining classiness. It's so classy. Now, let me tell you. So we start in Dobbs Ferry, right?

Yes, we start working our way up. And then like the Nazis expanding in Europe. Yes, we have to. We work our way all the way to Bronxville. Yes, yes. Now, you're telling me Bronxville's far away from the Bronx? Bronxville's far away from the Bronx. So why did they name that shit Bronxville? They need to rename that telling me Bronxville's far away from the Bronx? Bronxville's far away from the Bronx. So why did they name

that shit Bronxville? They need to rename that shit. I agree with you. They should rename that shit Westchester. I think it's a trick. A lot of people hear Bronxville,

they think like, oh, stabbings. But you know what? They keep people out that way. They keep people out. I like this way of thinking. I know. It's crazy.

This is how rich people think and shit. That's what they do. It's fun because rich people like to do shit poor people do. Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant and they have something on the menu and they call it bodega sauce.

That happened the other day. Really? It's true. It's nice for somebody who makes like $80 million a year to go in and have bodega sauce on their chicken in a nice restaurant, of course, with nobody who's ever been to a bodega. But it sounds like rich people, what they try to do is find places that they can be sure that a subway doesn't go to. Yes.

Subways don't go anywhere near Bronxville. They don't. And they always live up on a hill. They live in a hill in the forest. So in case the poor people try to come up, they can pour hot oil on them? They see them and they roll big boulders down the hill. Down the hill?

Yes. Holy shit, I need to live in one of those castles. This is what happens. See, we live in areas where you just, you live in a little box and everybody else is around. It's like little boxes. I need to get out of that shit. No, I know.

I've been living too long. Shannon, I need to make it at least to Staten Island. Shannon, do you roll boulders down the hill at poor people? No, I haven't made it there yet. If somebody's attacking your estate, you live on a... Her house smells like firewood and everything. Staten Island, they have small houses, but they're very immaculate inside. I caught that bitch Melanie Griffith.

She's a working girl. Everybody has white sneakers and it's very nice Staten Island They have small houses But they're very immaculate inside I caught that bitch Melanie Griffith And everybody has white She's a working girl Everybody has white sneakers And it's very nice Reeboks And a very big TV And hardwood floors And everything's polished That's it

And they have a nice big Italian food And you need to have comfortable sneakers To get on that ferry That's nice So then you put your heels on Right when you get to Wall Street Right But they don't care about the house

You gotta have a nice car And like it's a nice house But it's okay Because everybody still go to the catering hall So they eat at the catering hall? That's they want to have big parties at the catering hall like a suit like everything's a sweet 16 everything's a sweet 16 and then they bring in a fountain and sometimes that fountain's got vodka and sometimes it has chocolate so if you were to rate if you were to rate long island west chester yeah staten island right what's

what's the level so staten island is going to be third it going to be third. Shannon, you still got a bronze star. I'm sorry. You still got a bronze medal. You still got a medal. Staten Island is only going to be third because a lot of- Your name is still going to be in the newspaper. And the only reason I say that is because a lot of people in Staten Island are monsters. But as a land mass, it is also disgusting.

But Long Island is second because it was hot in the early 1900s. Big estates, a lot of cool people, big money. But then it fell off because it became a lot of guidos, the Long Island medium. People kind of went nuts. We don't want those Mijagorillas. Right, exactly. Where are the classy people at? Westchester?

That's number one. I knew it. Gold. I was always on to that from the beginning. They don't even talk to you. That's right. But you know what? You take the Long Island Railroad.

People are fighting. They're spitting at each other. They're going to a Rangers game. Right. They're going the Long Island Railroad. People are fighting. They're spitting at each other. They're going to a Rangers game. They're drunk. They're drinking beer with their daughter. It's disgusting. Everybody's fat. You go to Westchester, people are talking about stocks and bonds.

And they're relaxed. And they're going on the Metro North. And everybody wears a suit. And people do not talk to their families That's how you know they have money I like that shit Yes And they always wearing like

Sperry top-siders with no socks Yes The more less The less socks I see with shoes Yes I know I'm in a classy area That's real Yeah

Long Island they have Too many socks There's too many Air Force Ones in Long Island Too much That's it It's disgusting Long Island's like a trashier version of Westchester That's exactly what it is

But it's still nicer than where I'm at Yeah it's still nicer So you would go Staten Island Long Island Westchester Westchester Gold medal It's the gold medal

Carl Lewis It's the gold medal It's the whitest whitest white So you're trying to go from Long Island to Westchester too That's what I'm trying to do So your whole career is about getting to Westchester It's all about going to Westchester I like New York City

So I want to live near New York City Right so I want to live near New York City. Right. But I want to live in Westchester. You want to be away from the peasants. The peasants. That's right. It can't be near peasants. You like to eat...

Or the Irish and Italian people. You know, they're mongrels. So you like to eat classy places like Applebee's? Yes, we go to... We go to... Even sometimes classier than that. Really? Yeah.

Cheesecake Factory? We go to... Yeah. Well, that's nice, too. But sometimes we go to... Ruby Tuesdays? Yeah. No, we go We go to... Yeah. Well, that's nice too, but sometimes we go to... Ruby Tuesdays? Yeah. No, we go to some restaurants in New York City, like Quality Meat Steakhouse.

Really nice. Where's that shit? Yeah. I don't eat that meat. It's by Central Park, but that's okay. You don't have to eat meat because they got shellfish and they got tuna and they got all kinds of fish. They got buffalo wings there?

No, but they have a nice dish with bacon and peanut butter and jalapeno apple jelly. Very good. That's really classy. That's really classy. That's really classy. And they eat it. How much is it expensive for that? It's very expensive. $6.99 for that?

And everything they don't see. How much they pay? $6.99 for that dish? It's like, I think, it's probably something like that. Maybe more. For a steak, what? Like $12.99? Like Outback, right?

I think the steak is like $49. $49? Are you serious? $49, yeah. Get out of here. I know, but that's where you meet people from Westchester. They're more expensive than Outback Steakhouse? It's more expensive, and it's very hip.

They have meat hook lights, and the restaurant doesn't look like it's finished. I need to go there. Yes, really nice. Holy shit. It's all exposed brick and wood. It looks like you just moved in. Do the men walk around with buns that look like samurais? They wear jeans and blazers, because nobody wears suits.

And they got beards like samurais? Yes. With the hair bun up there? Yes, they got the man bun. I love that place. It's like that. Yeah, this is where you need to find somebody. I need to get there.

You need to find somebody who's like a coder. Holy shit. Yeah, man, works at Google and does some tech shit. That's some classy-ass shit. Yeah. I tell you what. Were you down for threesomes? Because some men like threesomes.

They like somebody to be adventurous. I'm down for anything. Anything. Like on my time? time yeah when i'm just having a good time i do whatever okay i mean i'm down for whatever okay but when i'm hunting i'm on that panther shit right i'm trying to get classy so what trying to get that money what about i'm not a young girl anymore no of course that's it no me have gorillas for me i stay away from long island right if you pump by and i might even talk to you you don't want to work that means you're not reading the wall street journal yeah you're not trying to date somebody at a synergy gym exactly right i'm trying to date somebody that's walking right out of the library right would you you don't mind if a man brings another

woman into the bed you don't mind that i mean on my time yeah uh what did you got to give me more details well this is what a lot of men now is he giving him am i on a payment plan there no no no am i getting a monthly allowance That's a good point I guess Right Okay Shit

Yeah yeah yeah I know how to tune out So if you're a kept woman You don't care It doesn't matter You never seen a woman With nothing in her eyes What if he wants you

To hook up with the other woman You never seen a woman Smiling with death Death in her eyes That's the only woman I talk to Yeah The only woman I speak to

Nobody's home Yeah I know how to act Yes Shit You just want a nice Lambskin leather bag That's what I'm

Yeah Exactly That's what you're trying to get Let me ask you something Are you the voice in my head That just manifested itself Because you know about Westchester I do

You're trying to go there I love it You know what kind of furniture I want I love it You know how I'm willing to compromise To get that shit Yeah I mean you're like

Maurice's brain manifests itself That's what I've always respected you Because you're cynical And you go after what you want That's what I've always Respected you Because you're cynical And you go after What you want That's what I'm trying to do There's too many people Right now that are

Playing a lot of Bullshit games Talking about Global warming And helping people No No I'm getting that money

That's what I love about you I mean what am I Supposed to do about Global warming Look is there What's happening To the environment Right I know

With the hurricanes And shit But that's okay You go to a fundraiser It's going to be okay Actually we're having A fundraiser November 30th. That's very good.

So you're doing the right thing. Yeah, we tried to send money. Look, my heart goes out to everybody. And I wish that there wasn't sadness in the world. But I can't change that. All I can do is to spread joy to the world and get money for myself so I'm happier. Because if I'm happier, then I'm making other people happy. Do you do Christmas carols or something to make people happy?

Of course I do Christmas carols Yeah that's nice I mean I don't go door to door Why don't you go door to door But I sing them shits in the bathroom I think you should go door to door I'm showering You should go door to door

I ain't going door to door I'm not a Jehovah's Witness This is the plan You go door to door in Westchester I'm listening You knock on the door in Westchester I'm listening Maybe like a guy who looks like a professor answers

But he really works for a company that makes missiles. And then you answer the phone, and then his wife is like, we should listen to this, even though he is maybe a little scared. And then you start going, you know, Hark the Herald Angels. And then you force your way into the house and then suck everybody's dick. Holy shit. Is that a plan? I let you Bill Benetech that shit. Is that a plan?

That's the plan. One, two, three, let's go. On three, let's go. Jingle bells, jingle bells, can I suck your dick? I'm going to let you Bill Benetech that shit. Is that a plan? That's a plan. One, two, three, let's go. On three, let's go. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Can I suck your dick? I'm going to let you run my offense. You got to get out there. And that's the best way to get out there.

You knock on the door of Christmas house because they might not call the cops. You might get two, three minutes before they call the cops. Nobody's going to call the cops on me. Well, let's not get hysterical. It could happen out there. It could happen, yeah. Why? They get scared?

Your gloves. They get very scared. These are classy-ass gloves right there. I know, but you have the fingers cut out, like rent. Remember rent when everybody has AIDS in the Lower East Side? Yeah. 500, 20, 30. And I like you.

That's your aesthetic. Right. Yes, it's live every day, la vie boheme, every day to the end. So you think people are going to get turned off by that? Well, not in 93, but now it's a little bit like they might go, is it a home invasion or whatever? But as soon as you start singing, then I disarm them and shit. You disarm them with the singing, go, oh, I'm here for the Christmas carols.

You think I should go bring Shannon with me too? You have to bring Shannon. She'd dress up like an elf. Yeah, Shannon's going to dismarm everybody. Yeah, she's short. She's very short. Shannon's a legit little person. People will think you're traveling with a child who's sick.

That's it. Oh, we could run a lot of scams. I didn't even think about it. Because me and her are constantly on some didn't even think about it. Right. Because me or her are constantly on some Thelma and Louise shit. Yeah. She could be like, Shannon looks like she's small and she's cute. You could just say that she's her make-a-wish.

Cute, please. She's gorgeous. You're not into girls. Trust me. That bitch is gorgeous. I know she is gorgeous, but I think cute is more important now. No, I think gorgeous. That bitch is like a model.

She was just in Italy too. I bet you those Italian men was grabbing that arm. Were they pulling you everywhere, Shannon? No, I don't think I'm their thing. But they're also not my thing.

I don't like little Italian men. Shannon, you're giving off a strange energy. Something is wrong with Shannon. Because that bitch is gorgeous and these men is not treating her like a piece of meat. No, they're like tall,

like tall model looking girls in Italy. Like tall, thin model looking girls. Yeah, you need to be around. Yeah, they like tall, like tall model looking girls in Italy. Like tall, thin model looking girls. Shit. Yeah, you need to be around that crowd over here in Staten Island.

They like that fat ass. They're not into fat asses in Italy, right? No, not at all. Not at all. But here they respect a fat ass. You got a fat ass, Shana.

You be doing that shit. You be squatting. Yes. She go to the gym. Shit. That's where you're going to meet somebody at the gym.

You know what the good thing about black men is? What is that? Because they're good for your self- gym. Shit. That's where you're going to meet somebody at the gym. You know what the good thing about black men is? What is that? Because they're good for your self-esteem. Right. If you put on a little weight, just go take a walk

on 125th Street for three minutes. Right. You're going to feel like the sexiest bitch on the planet. They don't care. They don't got all

those hang-ups. No, that's nice. That's sad. And you talked about Brazil people, which I like too. Them too. They don't have hang-ups.

No. It doesn't matter what gender you are. People should not have hang-ups. No. It doesn't matter what gender you are. People should not have hang-ups. No, I agree. I don't understand what the problem is. I agree with you. It's either you for freedom or you against it.

I agree. Let people be who they're going to be. Yes. That's it. That's the way it has to be. What's the big problem? I know. Some people are insecure.

I don't understand what that shit is. Yes. You want to fuck who you want to fuck. That's it. Be who you are. Right. Why is that a threat to somebody else? Right.

I never understood that as people are just stupid 2017 you're going to die right everybody going to die don't take everything so seriously right it's true just lighten up life is hard enough as it is right let people come the way they want to come right right like shannon don't like to come at all right she likes to come like the world cup once every four years that's true you're trying to come and katona i come all the World Cup once every four years. That's true. That's it. You're trying to come in Katona. I come all the time.

Right. I'm a sexaholic. You love sex. I can't stop. Yes. That's it. That's right. I got a high sex drive.

That's it. How about you? You like to fuck a lot? I try to fuck a lot, but it's like, you know, sometimes I end up doing other things.

Eat. You know, eat. Yeah, that sometimes gets in the way. You get in the way or you want to, you tell jokes like this

or other shit. Yeah, but that's only 15 minutes. That's in the way or you tell jokes like this or other shit. Yeah, but that's only 50 minutes. That's 50 minutes. That's true. You just started doing it. But then there's seven hours. It was 50 minutes

for a long time. 45 minutes just recently. Just recently. Just recently, 45 minutes of work. Just recently, 45 minutes of work. But we hope it'll be

more and more work. That's it. You're getting there. Yeah, little by little. So it'll be less and less dick, more and more work. Yes. So you're like Shannon.

Yes. Because that's Shannon's schedule. Yeah. Shannon increasingly does more and more work be less and less dick, more and more work. Yes. So you like Shannon. Yes. Because that's Shannon's schedule. Yeah. Shannon increasingly does more and more work and less and less dick. It's crazy. This bitch, you don't get it. She's going to have to start fucking the microphone. Because that's the only thing that she's seen.

Maybe she does when she's in between podcasts here. But now people are getting sex dolls. They're not even fucking people. What's that? It's like in Taiwan, you get a doll and you just fuck the doll. That's some weird shit. I know, but people are into it. In Japanapan they're into all kinds of weird desserts and fucking dolls yeah i'm not i need i need a warm-blooded mammal next to me it's interesting let's say i know but

you can't fuck a sex doll right i don't think so but i've never been to taiwan you might try that shit it's very interesting if you go to like please don't make me get you a sex doll if you go to if you go to toky Tokyo, they have all these cool things, like all kinds of different flavors of ice cream and sex dolls. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with flavors of ice cream. The sex dolls, I'll take a hard pass on that. Yeah, it's interesting. Hard pass on that.

Right, right. That's it. But if you live in Tokyo, I heard that's a classy-ass city too. Yeah, it's very classy. So whatever, that's like a Japanese New York City. Yes, yes. So you walk around and you're just like, oh shit, this is like New York City, but everyone is Japanese. Yes.

I'm classy like that. Yeah. That's where you need to go is you need to get out there. That's it. You need like an Asian businessman because they might be into you. Look, I keep all options open constantly, but much like Shannon, I'm very picky. Right. And I think that's what we bonded so much to this point.

Yeah. Nobody has met my complete list of qualifications. That's how many of 27. That's a lot. 27 specific qualifications. Shannon has 156. That's very heavy. That's hard to me.

27 is very heavy. She got close. You got somebody who had three or four, right? I did. Yeah. They got close to 127. I think they hit four, right? Bitch is picky.

Yes, a lot. That's the only way to understand that she is still single. What's your main one? What's the one you're not negotiable? Money. Need to have a Chase Bank account card? Yeah.

What about if somebody goes to a check cashing place? That's not it no good that's not no good right there what a pay-o-matic you don't like that no okay i'm looking for that's it now what kind of dog do they have if they have like you want them to have like a pit bull pit bulls look i'm a dog lover right so if it's a pit bull you need to really train it yeah you need to you really want somebody to have like an irish setter come on let's talk i see pit bulls every day right if i have my choice yeah afghan hound afghan hound poodle poodle poodle chihuahuas i mean i have a chihuahua okay yeah but chihuahuas is getting a little played out i want some exotic shit yeah get me like a burmese mountain maybe a weimaraner it's like gray oh shit the german dogs those are like the westchester dogs they're gray

and aloof yeah they're like the good Germans, like Scandinavians. They look like stones. They look like slate. They're so cute. Yeah. Or like a Ridgeback if I want a powerful dog. Ooh, yeah. That's something to think about.

Or maybe I would get one of those little ones, the tiny ones that look like Ewoks. What are those called? The little ones, Shannon? Is that a Yorkie? You put it in your pocketbook? Yeah. Yeah, and you walk around Bergdorf Goodman? Yeah, I need one of them shit.

Yeah, that's what you want. And I need a Michael Kors purse That shit is classy Yeah what about What about if somebody Gets you into something nice At the dollar store Family dollar

That's it I go to the dollar store All the time That's how I get my chancletas Right yeah That's it Family dollar is nice That shit is classy That shit comes from around the world

My chancletas is made in the Philippines Yeah that's nice Some of them is made in Sri Lanka Depends on the You know I get them mixed up in the bin Yeah okay But I don't got no yellow ones Cause my feet are too big I don't wanna look like Big Bird Yeah that's just Some of them are made in Sri Lanka Depends on the You know, I get them mixed up in the bin Yeah, okay But I don't got no yellow ones Because my feet are too big

I don't want to look like Big Bird Yeah, that's just a good point That's it So I got red, pink, blue, purple Family dollars, nice Yeah, you go there? Every now and then You know, you're walking by

Sometimes I get like a toothbrush Yeah, you never get a comb though Because you don't fuck with No, I let my hair just go You let it go You just rolled out the bed and came here Yeah, that's that old money westchester that comb is not on your budget yeah no that's the way they just rock it that's the way you do it yeah i just got to get that land's end jacket now and just kind of walk around and smoke a cigar and say something kind

of interesting it's funny because you look like you got land's end jacket money yeah i want that land's end jacket but you're still in the story i'll smoke a cigar and i'll say something interesting on like a rainy day that's it Yeah that's my move What were you doing at the dollar store What were you getting I don't even remember I'm trying to think What I was getting at the dollar store

But I used to be very poor As a comic So I'd have to get things You know And I'm still poor Don't bring me down here Let's go back to things now So I go to bodega

You go to bodega I go to the bodega But not the shitty bodega It's the ones with avocados And 15 kinds of dressing For the sandwich Yeah but when you There 15 kinds of dressing for the sandwich. Yeah, but when you- There's lots of condiments.

You need to get to Trader Joe's. That's the next level. That's the Westchester supermarket. That's the next- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whole Foods? We're talking wild nature. What's that?

That shit you don't even know about. I never even heard of it. That's people is like Whole Foods is whatever. Wild nature is like some crazy shit. That's that new shit. Let me tell you something. Trader Joe's is good for me. It might be, but you need to start treating yourself with respect

because you know what? You're better than Trader Joe's. They got peanut almonds at Nature's Grill? Yeah. Do they got lagoons? You gotta go to Dean and DeLuca, all that shit. That's crazy. Do they have lagoons? You gotta go to Dina DeLuca All that shit That's crazy Do they have lagoons? Yes I'm into nuts

They have lagoons You be getting most of my nuts on QVC Yes Yeah You go to Zabar's That's nice That's on the Upper West Side Yeah

That's nice You could get like a smoked trout Oh that's Yeah I eat fish once in a while You like that? Every now and then you have a smoked trout on a bagel Hang out with some Jewish people I love Jews

Yes That's it That's right They suck a lot of money and shit You have a smoked trout on a bagel, hang out with some Jewish people? I love Jews. Yes. That's it. That's right. They suck a lot of money and shit. You have a lot of big white fish salad and you talk about the economy. Yeah, let's go to a deli and do that me and you and shit. Yeah, that sounds good. That's very nice.

That's it. I could teach you. Shana, you be having fun on your podcast with Tim Dillon? Yeah. He's a little crazy, right? Yes. You need to buy him a brush on your shit. He came in here like...

He's the better looking of the two on that podcast. Yeah, the one next to me. Who's the other one? He's a mess. Ray. Wait a second. Ray is a real mess. How could he be?

Did he get in a fire or something? I think he's. He was burned in a fire? I think he's still in a fire. Yeah. He's the mess of you two? He's the mess of us two, yes. But he's smart.

And you come out looking like you just got arrested In the middle of the night By a FBI raid Yeah but it's You just look like You got pulled into An interrogation room At four in the morning I know but this is a radio show That's right

This is a podcast Well actually we got cameras here I know but you know what A lot of people just listen to this Most of the people listening here They're listening at the gym Or maybe they're listening on the train That's it

So that's Or the LIRR Going back to Long Island Absolutely Or Metro North If they classy I make sure that when people Come to see me live

I do something nice. Like I'll put on a new shirt. You will? Yeah, sometimes. Oh, so that's a used shirt. But this is a blue shirt. Sometimes I get a black shirt for when I'm live.

Oh, when you classy. Because it's slimming. That's it. It's slimming. And also that's the New York shirt. We wear black and get shit accomplished. That's what it is.

Black tee. That's it. You go to Miami they all wear a sequin. That was his move. You have a black t-shirt and jeans. It looks slimming. Yeah, it makes you look two pounds lighter. Yeah, it looks very nice. Yeah, they all wear sequins. Like Louis C.K., that was his move. You have a black t-shirt and jeans. Looks slimming, yeah.

Makes you look two pounds lighter. Yeah, it looks very nice. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. What do you think about all this stuff? People jerking off in front of comics. Is that okay? Has anybody jerked off in front of you?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of times. But they pay you, right? They give you a couple of bucks. They pay me to do that. Right.

They buy you a wonton soup or something. I've been on to all that shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, listen. It needs to be consensual. Absolutely. That's it. I agree.

I mean, you know. You go back pages at Craigslist. You work it out. That's where I'm at. If somebody messes you up. If you got some weird kinks and shit like that, find somebody who's okay with that. But, you know, the problem comes when your kink is them not liking it. That's a problem.

Yes. That's when the problem starts. That's a major problem. It sounds like he got some problem like that. That might be. Like, he likes to see the girls squirm and shit. I don't know. I don't know him personally.

I don't know either. But, you know, it was bad, but it doesn't, you know, you have to grade it, right? Yeah. It was bad. Yeah. But. It's like a C minus. But it was like a 15 years ago bad, right?

Right. And then there's some people with. And also the girls, the girls, they didn't get touched or anything like that. Right. So it's bad. No question. But it could have been worse. You know what I'm saying? Right, because you deal with bad shit all the time.

What they say Bill Cosby did, that's some bad shit. Right. Because he was actually touching these bitches. Right. Somebody pulls their dick out, I start jerking off. I might pull my shit out too and be like, now we got a Mexican standoff. Right. You going to jerk off in front of me when I'm going to jerk off in front of you?

That's a great idea. See how you like that shit. That's a great idea for a show. That's it. Yeah. Mexican standoff. Yeah, on the 7 train. That's a great idea. See how you like that shit. That's a great idea for a show. That's it. Yeah. Mexican standoff. Yeah, on the 7 train. I like that. I like that idea.

Yeah, Louis tried that shit on me. See what happens. I'll pull my shit out too. Right. That's it. That's good. That's a great defense mechanism. That's right.

Most women don't have that. They don't have that. Now you're in a situation. That's why you're maybe the perfect woman because you'll be like, I can pull my shit out now. That's right. And then we back away. Like when you see a raccoon late at night and and you just keep eye contact he backs away and you back

away i usually i just talk with it and kind of plan out wow yeah see what that's because you're not all there in the head right you're holding on by a very thin thread it's so thin your thread is i mean we talk about dental floss we're talking about it's it's it's we're minutes away from something horrible you're a couple of days away from putting somebody in a body that's what it is that's comedy that's what you what you're gonna do that's what makes you funny has it you i hope we don't find you like yeah naked hanging from something with a belt around your neck and your hand on your dick i mean listen and it annoys somewhere if that's happening just don't die in howard johnson if that's happening

was there a sponsor you know know? Yeah that's true Who was sponsoring it? Just make sure that shit Isn't something classy I hope so Right? I think I want to die Somewhat classy

Best Western Yeah something nice A Marriott Marriott That's the heaviest shit That's something to achieve That's really nice But you happy right?

I'm happy-ish You're happy-ish right now? We're all as happy as we can be Yeah Happiness is over When are you the happiest? On stage or when you got a bird? On stage

That's the most fun Or a good meal at Smith and Lewinsky Which is happier? Let me ask you Stage is the best Some good dick from Grindr Stage is the best I'll give you the multiple choice

Okay You got to let me phrase it Okay sorry Tim Dillon is happiest when? Right He is sitting at Smith and Lewinsky's Yeah Waiting for a ribeye to

come with some cream spinach and a side of mac and cheese. I know you get the mac and cheese. Yes, good. You try to go healthy. I'm going to get the greens, but then you go fuck it, bring the mac and cheese. Right, right, right. With a Diet Coke. You're a Diet Coke. I don't drink soda. Oh, you don't drink soda? Just water.

Just water? Yeah, I like water. So how come it's not working? Because I'm eating the mac and cheese. You eat a lot of dessert. All right, so you get the mac and cheese. So you're sitting at Smith and the Whiskey's, right? Strip steak. Yeah. Mac and cheese.

Right. Greens. Yes. Or whatever, baked beans. Okay. However you get down. Okay, there's no baked beans. That's the A choice.

Yes. There's no baked beans? That can't be that classy. I know. All right, so B. B, you're on Grindr. Yes. You see somebody who beans that can't be that classy. I know. All right, so B. B. You're on Grindr. Yes.

You see somebody who's sexy as shit. Right. And you're all built up because you haven't busted another in four minutes. Okay. All right, 40 minutes, the last ground to encounter. Yes. So you're hungry. Yes.

So you see a good one, and then he comes and he does everything you like exactly. Yes. B. B. Or C. C. On stage doing comedy. Yeah.

Or D, all of the above. I like all of the above, but here's what's even better. I missed one. Yeah, somebody, a comic comes in from Los Angeles. Yeah. And they go on stage and they do horrible. Yeah. And the people hate them. That's your favorite.

That's the best. There's no, because I just keep coming while that happens that's your favorite thing yes when the people hate them holy shit in their face you can tell that just a little bit of that hatred is seeped into them you don't respect comedians from los angeles that's not true there's a few that are very fun only a few there's a few that are very funny how many would you say i don't know four four that's it that's a lot four to seven maybe i don't know if there was a war between the new. That's a lot. Four to seven. I don't know. If there was a war between the New York comedians and the Los Angeles comedians, who would win?

Well, New Yorkers and Los Angeles comedians are malnourished and vegan and sick. That's the problem, right? Yeah. So if it got to hand-to-hand combat, it would be a problem. I think New York's going to win that. That's it. Yeah. Holy shit.

We did 45 here, Shannon. Wow. We're going to have to cut this down. That's crazy. That's probably one of the longest. You are a very interesting person. Well, I wanted to tell you about Westchester. That's your life. We're going to have to cut this down. That's crazy. That's probably one of the longest. You are a very interesting person. Well, I wanted to tell you

about Westchester. That's your life. That's going to happen. Listen, this was an informative, this is an episode I'm going to listen to over and over again.

Yes. As I'm on the train. Yes. Heading up to Westchester. Yes. Because I do sightseeing up there. Do that Christmas Carol

idea. I will. You knock on the door and you do Shannon and just start singing. That's it. Jingle bells. So listen, go check bringing Shannon And you do it with Shannon And just start singing That's it Jingle bells So listen Go check out Tim Dillon's podcast

With Shannon Are you gonna let her talk on this? No She don't talk Every now and then We try to bring her in That's it So listen to that

It's called Tim Dillon Goes to Hell Yes And when's the air? They can catch it on iTunes Catch it on iTunes Tuesdays at 7 Tuesdays at 7

They can watch it live? Yes Alright And then go to iTunes At timdillon Tuesdays at 7 they can watch it live yes alright and then go to iTunes at TimDillonComedy.com you can sign up for my mailing list

for shows and shit and New York New York Times just called it the best podcast ever right sure yeah

yes so check that shit out there was an article just written about that shit yeah and also then I think it was Time Out New York

same shit yeah that's it you don't have to correct I'm trying to big that shit out yeah no you're right I don't want them to know it was a local different. Same shit. Yeah, that's it. You don't have to correct. I'm trying to big that shit out. Yeah, no, you're right. I don't want them to know it was a local free paper.

That's true. Where you could also find out what free bar comedy shows are going on in Yonkers. Right, right, right. And then for your Twitter, they could catch you at Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N

and on Instagram too. It just got verified on Instagram. That's it. And I didn't even know how that happened. It just happened. Somebody was imitating you. That's what it meant.

It just happened. So go,itating you. That's what it meant. It just happened. So go, you can follow him on Instagram, Twitter, and then go to his podcast. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. That's it.

We'll see you next time, everybody. Stay classy.