Yannis Pappas Hour - Sh*tting Your Pants w/ Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

The hilarious comedian Jessica Kirson explains what a dry drunk is and why they’re a nightmare. Then she tells us a hilarious story about not making it home in time and why you need to just let go. Follow Jessica on social media.Bonus episodes https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creatorSponsors Butcher box https://www.butcherbox.com/fumes/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=cpa&utm_campaign=2lb_chicken_breast_year_updated&utm_term=fumes&utm_content=Box of awesome https://www.bespokepost.com/startPromo code: fumesWatch Yanni’s stand up special https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQJoin our Patreon for bonus episodes every week https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysJoin our highlights page for podcast highlight clips https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwhttps://www.carolines.com/events/talent-harris-jr/Longdays is your news show that’s not news. Come cheat on your beliefs with a delicious maniac. New episodes every Saturday and new bonus every Saturday on Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is it change though? Maybe it's change now. Maybe that's hello now. Was that hello when you were growing up? No, but they're so open now, maybe, the kids. Maybe like hello is just like a guy going like, what's up? Wait, do you guys want this on the pod? Yeah, we're starting?

Yeah, we're rolling. Oh, we're rolling already? All right, guys. Jessica Kearson. If you don't know, you're about to know. The great Jessica Kearson is here. We're talking. We can talk about our yards.

We can talk about new floors. We can talk about our garages. We can talk about parking. We can talk about your daughter. Yeah. She's- Parking. We were talking about parking.

We talked about parking. We were talking about parking. Not cars, though. We can take our glasses on and off if we need to read something. Yeah. Are you. Parking. We were talking about parking. We talked about parking. We were talking about parking. Not cars, though. We could take our glasses on and off if we need to read something. Yeah. Are you at that point yet? Like, are you. Are you kidding?

I can barely. Things are going. What do you mean? They're going. Little by little. The eyes, the rectum, everything's going. What happened to the rectum? I don't know.

Sometimes it leaks. I'm sorry if I make a mess here it's fine cleaning lady no yeah but we can put down like one of those pee pads you have a pad i don't have any pee pads but no pad sponsors i got no pee pad yeah i'm a guy yeah but it'd be funny if you told me before and you said do you have any of those like small dog pee pads can you imagine if i carry them around from podcast you just put it down excuse me I need to put a pod down. A pad. Everyone's going like, does Jessica have a small dog?

I'm going, nope. She just puts it on her seat. She has a leaky anus. That's hot. I'm certainly not one of those hot female comics. I wanted to say, I got 100,000 followers on Instagram, and I wanted to say, this is from talent, not from pictures of my anus. That's what I was wanted to say i had a hundred i got a hundred thousand followers on instagram and i wanted to say this is from talent not from pictures of my anus that's what i was about to say i was proud of myself it's from real talent and not pictures of the inside of my asshole right

you you're funny you got to either be funny or hot yeah the two the two rarely go together yeah they rarely go together yeah sometimes they do rarely go together. Yeah. Sometimes they do. But mine is from hard work and being funny. And it is not from my nipples. My nips. I mean, if you're hot, you really, it's an advantage. Of course. I think it's an advantage.

I think pretty women, this is their time right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest. I follow a girl on tick tock all she does is yoga but she does it's really funny every single yoga pose she does the camera is set like on her lips under her lips yeah so it's like i mean i could show you i mean it's hilarious and i'm just like i'm all in i mean of course i am too you know what's funny the

algorithm shows you how much of a dirtbag you are over and over again because it just keeps showing. When I sign it on, it's like all her videos because it knows I just stop. I'll just breeze over. If someone's having an intellectual conversation, I'll just breeze over, just fucking scroll, scroll, scroll, and then she'll just be there like. Is she a comic?

No, she's just a woman. Yeah. She's just a person. Yeah. I don't know her name what's her handle I'll get yeah yeah I'll get it to me as soon as possible I'll share it with you yeah yeah I'll share it with you I want to get into yoga now yeah and into her puss that was one of the comments I put on there I was like fine I'll do yoga your daughter now. Yeah, the oldest. The oldest daughter.

We both have a challenge now because this is the environment now. You do get a lot of attention if you're a woman and you show different, if you do a different thing than talent. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my oldest is stunning. She's gorgeous. Thank you you she's a knockout and you know it's very i i told you i was with her yesterday and she's just we're in the middle

we're in starbucks the middle of conversation she's like hold on mama one second and she's like and i'm like what are you doing and she's like i'm just saying hi to this like this kid that i used to talk to and i'm like but that's how you're saying hi to him like you haven't spoken to him in a year and she's like yeah i'm just saying hi and i'm like but that how is that high like she was like i'm like this kid's jerking off to this snapchat yeah it's it's it's a very sexual hello do you think it's do you think it's just no you think that's just kids now yes you think like they're so desensitized to now they gotta up it yeah but i mean because she said she hadn't spoken to him in a while right so to this boy it's like that's just kids now? Yes, of course. You think they're so desensitized to now they gotta up it? Yeah, but I mean- Because she said she hadn't spoken to him in a while.

Right, but to this boy, it's a turn on. It's not just, but to girls, they think it's okay to just do that. Are they or is it normal to them now because they're so desensitized? I don't know, you're a guy.

Yeah, I don't know. If you were a teenage boy with a constant hard on, wouldn't that turn you on? I mean, she's stunning. Yes. And she has low-cut shirts on and a gorgeous face. I don't know, though, because I'm from the era

that there was a challenge, at least, to something. I don't know. I mean, they have barely any clothes on. I know. But maybe the guys are so over sexualized too that maybe they're just like what I like oh yeah she just said maybe he's just going like that's late maybe he's on the other side going like that's all I'm getting yeah maybe where's your labia yeah where's your I haven't seen you in a year yeah where's the inside of your ass but that's nothing

yeah maybe she's just going like mom you don't know this is tame. My friend Tara, you should see how she said hello to a guy she hadn't seen in a year. Okay? She had a dildo in her and she waved the other side of the dildo. Hello? I don't know is what I'm saying. Mama, seriously? You're here. That's why I'm not like flapping my lips like, hello?

Like normally I flap my lips at that. Right. Like who knows? You're right. I don't know what I'm going to have to like do with my daughter. By that time? By that time. Yeah.

She'll be sticking like a whole ham in her. Yeah. Who knows what's going to happen? Yeah. It's getting scary. I'm serious. I feel like they're not even going to talk years from now. They're just going to be like.

Because they're like always on their phones and computers. They're not having human contact anymore. They're just Snapchatting. It's crazy. It is crazy, too, because you don't deal with any of the negative of reality. Sexually, that's a little unhealthy, no? Because it's all fantasy. It's all imagery. There's no? Because it's all fantasy. It's all imagery.

There's no smells. There's no consequences. Real sex is a different thing. There's people's feelings involved. There's conversation. They're just like... They're just ramming it in. They're ramming it out.

They're just... I know. I don't know what's going to happen. People are sending themselves videos of each other and they'll just send it it that somebody else is going like Like they don't even meet they don't mean talker. Maybe they're not even gonna touch each other anymore It's just gonna be all through a computer Yeah

Maybe they're gonna you're gonna stick your dick in a computer and then the other person the woman's just gonna stick her vagina I don't know who knows what's gonna sounds kind of hot it is maybe they'll be able to like actually implement like in your brain where you can like fuck

without being together or something sounds great to be honest with you that would be great yeah you don't have to shower you don't have to do anything that would be great

do you think at some point they're gonna have like they're gonna be able to implant like skippable ads in our brain cause I swear to god I was thinking about i was having a boring suburban thought about replacing my windows yeah which is what happens

now you're going like you're just driving and i start fantasizing about replacing my windows and then you're going oh but i heard it costs a lot to replace your windows a lot and then i got home and i saw like three ads for windows and if i was a little mentally unstabler, which I still might be, I was like a little paranoid. I'm going like, do they have a fucking thing? How do they know I was thinking about that? Like, are they going to get to, because they know what you search for, right? Oh, they definitely. So they show you the ads for the things you search for, you type in.

Yeah. for right oh they definitely so they show you the ads for the things you search for you type in yeah um god knows what they're going to start showing me when they start when they start involving porn search history what they're going to start showing me i know jesus christ they're going to start showing me visuals of the holocaust if they start knowing what i'm because i you know i if they see what i mean to be i'll tell your audience because i'm sure they won't tell anyone i search for this is private search for ovens you know i mean it's been my you like to why did why the ovens well i'm not going to get into it right right i like you know you like a little danger with it i do i mean it's it's it's a little i know it's a little weird but you know it turns me on the hol Holocaust visuals, when it comes to porn.

Don't judge me. I got to say, there is nothing hot. Schindler's List is a hot movie. Hot. I mean, I got to tell you. So embarrassing. My family, we watch Schindler's List every Sunday because we're Jews. So we watch it as a family event every Sunday. But I usually just put a blanket over myself in the

corner and I rub one out like every two should lose six minutes yeah yeah it's a hot hot movie so hot so during the scenes when everyone gets burned you know I'm it's embarrassing yeah I mean I do feel shame about it But not really Right Because we only lost like 11 family members It's not that big of a deal Just 11 yeah Yeah

It just got kind of quiet But I don't know why you guys are tense No one here is Jewish Right well no he is Are you? Yeah Oh I'm sorry are you okay? I'm fine

Do you feel triggered? No I'm fine Good I'm only half Jewish Oh okay you're fine Yeah But you're actually like Your mom's Jewish

Oh so he's really a Jew He's a really Jew I mean that's what the Jews say I'm only half Jewish. Oh, okay. You're fine. Yeah. But you're actually like, your mom's Jewish. Oh, so he's really a Jew. He's a really Jew. That's what the Jews say. Supposedly, right? Yeah. I'm full Jew. You're full?

Yeah. Father, mother, cat, dog. You know, the Jews don't even try to proselytize. No. We knew my dog was Jewish because his bark was like, Ah! He didn't do what most dogs do. Woof, woof! Ah! We knew my dog was Jewish, because his bark was like. He didn't do what most dogs are. Every time he had to go out,.

Yeah, he only goes out a certain, like he tries to, yeah. He tries to buy a plane ticket to Florida to go out during the winter. When he was hungry, he was like. It was a constant whine. You try to take your dog out in January, you see him on Expedia trying to find a ticket to Florida. You're like, that's a Jewish dog.

Every time we gave him food, he's like... Is your gluten free? Is your grain in this? I only do limited ingredient. Oh, wait a second. This is kibble? Oh, God. Just a split second.

We took him to one place to pee, and he's like, again, I find a different tree. You know, it's always like never okay with where we took. It just was always a... Yeah. Better to get a non-Jewish dog. That's what I'm trying to tell everybody. Yeah.

Where do you find those? I guess you got a... German Shepherd. Oh, yeah.ish dog. That's what I'm trying to tell everybody. Yeah. Where do you find those? I guess you got a... German Shepherd. Oh, yeah. German Shepherd. That's a good idea. The German... Dude, the Germans have some...

Like, the German... German dogs are very German. Yeah. It's a little like... They are. You got the German Shepherd. You got the Wattweiler. Yeah.

They're all like... They're all dogs that you're like, you guys are up to no good. Yeah. Yeah. That's very true. Yeah. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. They really are.

They do seem very German. They seem a little Germany. Yeah. Germans be Germanin. They like to German. I always keep my eye on them. I always keep my eye. Yeah, me too.

Because my family also suffered. Yeah. We suffered. They conquered. They went in there. They killed all my relatives too. Yeah. because my family also suffered. Yeah. We suffered. They conquered. They went in there. They killed all my relatives too. Yeah. They were good at killing.

Yeah. They were very good at killing. They were. Some of us they killed a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Some people got away with not being killed at all. Yeah, they really focused in on you guys.

Yeah, they really did. They really. It's not fair. No. Yeah. They still want to kill all of us. Secretly, probably. Yeah. They just can't help it. It's in the German. It's just in the German. Yeah. You know what I mean? did they really not fair no yeah they still want to kill all of us secretly probably yeah they just can't help it it's in the german it's just in the german yeah i mean like italians like to cook

right yeah germans like to kill germans like to kill they just like to they have that look in their eyes it's just kind of like you make a joke and they kind of look at you like it doesn't compute like what do i do with the humor what why yeah they're like yeah this this guy did that in the front row the other night at the comedy cellar i told a joke and he's like i don't get it get on the train like i just felt like he was thinking he's just kind of yeah how did you get away you know if you got on a subway car and you heard a german conductor yeah would that be i would get right off yeah there should be that should be a. I would jump and roll. Like, can you imagine a guy showing up at the MTA and being like, hi, how you doing?

I'm just... I love when you do a German. Yeah, they're like, no, that's one job you cannot have. No. You can't be on a train in New York with the amount of Jews here and here, like, next stop, Wall Street. Sun clears the closing doors.

You just see Jews sweating. Oh, they would get right off. Yeah. No matter where it was. Yeah. Just be like, no. There's certain jobs. Like, once certain things happen,

that job should be off limits. There should be no, they should not be close to trains. They can't be close to oven. I mean, they're never close to ovens because they can't cook. I mean, German food is awful. Aw yeah awful slop yeah there's there should be a restraining order from ovens to germans what's one good german dish uh there is none there really is none it's

it's atrocious i mean it's absolutely atrocious. We talked about it, actually. Was that last episode? Potatoes? Or on Patreon. No, I went to a four-star German restaurant in Germany, and they gave me a hot dog. It was a hot dog with applesauce and sauerkraut. Did you shit for days?

I was just like, are you kidding me? I feel like I'm at a minor league baseball game. Have you ever shit yourself? I was just like, I could have, are you kidding me? I feel like I'm in a minor league baseball game. Have you ever shit yourself? I have shit myself. I don't know why I think that's so funny because you must have freaked out when you shit.

I know you so well. Did you freak out? I always, I went the rest of the night just without, I threw the underwear out. That's what you got. That's what you got to do.

Of course. Yeah, you got to get rid of the underwear. What do you the underwear out that's what you got that's a that's a that's what you gotta do yeah you gotta get rid of the underwear what do you put it up and I could frame the problem is my dad got older he used to shit through his drawers onto the couch that's that's we have to look forward to oh we just fart it's just like You shit through It's the worst It's the worst Yeah Have you shit yourself Yes

That's what you call Gambling and losing One time I was in my desk On my new desk chair From Staples And I was on a liquid antibiotic And I sneezed

And again Why were you on a liquid antibiotic I was sick And I took a liquid antibiotic? I was sick and I took a liquid antibiotic Very powerful That's a bad situation to sneeze in And I didn't expect it I was like Not on my new chair

Did you try to return it? Was it within the warranty? Not on my new chair. Did you try to return it? Was it within the warranty? I thought you meant the shit. Did I try to, yeah. Yeah, just put it right back in? No, and then one time I did so much cocaine, and I just, it was bad. Yeah.

I was on it, and then I was coming back from a club, and I was in the elevator. This was horrible. I don't know. And I was like so, and then I was coming back from a club, and I was in the elevator. This was horrible. I don't know the church. And I was like so jacked up. Do you ever pray? Has that ever happened to you? I was like, please God.

I've never been so religious. That's what I tried to get. I was like, Shema Yisrael Adonai Elohein. I was like singing Hebrew songs. I was like, God, please God, please God, please God help me. Please God help me. That was my ass. I literally was closing my songs. I was like, God, please, God, please, God, please, God, help me. Please, God, help me. That was my ass. I literally was closing my ass.

You knew. And then when you can't, has this ever happened to you when you were like, it's coming and there's nothing I can do and you finally accept? It was the most acceptance I ever had in my entire life. I was like, it's coming and I'm going to let it go and just be like, ah. Like I just was like, let it out and be at peace with it and i just was like i let it i just there was nothing i could do you knew you were overwhelmed you just couldn't fight it the second i got out of the elevator on the second floor

it was like it was a river runs through it it just it what it just came it was unbelievable what happened you you told yeah you just get i know that moment when you're just you just accept no and then you don't even try to you don't even try to hold it in at that point you just let it literally so you fooled your shit oh i just it it was oh yeah it was it was unreal you didn't do one squirt and hold one squirt and hold i know at that point there was nothing it was it was overwhelming. Oh, it was it was like a wave pool Well, so this was the this was coke you had coke that I was on a lot of coke, you know I'm a drug addict. So I was on probably an eight ball I mean, I probably did an eight ball by myself. Does the Coke, it just loosens everything up?

Oh, every, it's a laxative. Oh, God. And I did a lot. Yeah. And had like, you know, earlier in the night had a chicken dinner at a restaurant. I mean, it was bad. Yeah. It was a nightmare.

Nobody does Coke and then eats responsibly. And all I kept thinking is I went for a master's in social work. I come from a good family. You know what I mean? It was all down my leg. It was a nightmare. It really brought you face to face with yourself. Yeah, with who I was.

And I later in that week went to rehab. Was that the bottom? Yeah, that was the last week of my drug use. Yes, yes. Yeah, that was the last week of my drug use. Yes, yes. From the bottom down, my legs were black. It looked like you had chocolate bars in your pants. Yes, like melted hurt.

And it was a 100 degree day. So you were just walking. If you saw a neighbor, you would have just waved and been just accepting it? Yeah, it went on the carpet in the apartment building it was unbelievable i called to rehab did you call the super and say no i didn't can you imagine hi this is jessica in apartment 2e i just shit all over that would be funny if the super was like i know i know i got four calls somebody's dog must have got sick and you're going no no no no i'm in this state of acceptance it would have been like someone's dog must have got sick. And you're going, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in this state of acceptance. It would have been like someone's dog's ass exploded. Did you try to go back and clean it or you just let it?

No, I was a mess. I was a drug addict and a, you know, it was a nightmare. Right. Yeah, it was horrible. You can always, they always thought it was the dog. Everyone else thought it was the dog. They thought a dog died. I am really enjoying knowing that it was a human.

That what they were, the super the next day was cleaning it I feel I feel horrible. I probably should do an amends and send them a cleaning crew or money or something I never made up for that situation. Everyone. I was sick. Literally. I was sick. I mean I was Extreme addict. I think they probably thought it was a very old person I had that had, that had eight ass cancer. Right. I love that your bottom was shitting,

shitting yourself. Shitting myself. Yeah. Okay. That was one of the bottoms. Yeah. A lot of other people, you know,

that's, you know, that, that shows your demons, right? That's a bad bottom. That's a bad bottom. That's a bad bottom.

That's an embarrassing, horrible situation. It's not as bad though as like waking up at a police cell or, you know. No, it's not. It's not as bad though As like waking up In a police cell Or You know No it's not

It's not But it was It was It's funnier Is what I'm saying It is funnier Because I'm talking about it now On a podcast

What did you do When you got home Were you so In a state of acceptance That you didn't even Clean yourself Well no I took all my clothes off

At the Thank God there were No cameras Can you It was pre CCTV days Yes Well, no, I took all my clothes off at the, thank God there were no cameras. Can you imagine? It was pre-CCTV days. Yes, I mean, this was like 1942. But, you know, I took all my clothes off and left them on my mat.

You know, welcome. Welcome mat with shit-covered clothes. And then I walked into my shower and showered. And then I put, you know, clothes in a bag. Obviously threw them out in the thing down the hallway, in the dumpster, whatever. Oh, you had to walk to the shoot. Yeah, of course.

And I was so fucked up on drugs. I was, I don't, I mean. And then you just laid awake all night because you can't sleep on coke, just. Yeah, so insane. Yeah, that walk to the shoot,

that must have been. Walk to the shoot. That walk to the shoot. I know that walk to the shoot when you live in an apartment building. You have time to reflect when you walk like that because there's nothing to do.

You're walking to the shoot. It's a kind of a walk there and walk back. That's probably where it happened, right? Where you just said, I got there's nothing to do. You're walking in the chute. It's kind of a walk there and walk back. That's probably where it happened, right? Where you just said, I got, this has to stop. I got to get help. Yeah. I'm not throwing away Chinese takeout. I'm throwing away my clothes from my loose, coked out asshole.

Trying to, I mean, I've never done coke. Jesse has shit himself. You've never done it? I've never done coke Jesse did it Has shit himself You've never done it? I've never done it And he has shit himself a few times One night he left me From coke? Yeah

And he does coke Yeah I had to pay a cab driver $300 to drive me home Oh my god With shitty pants yeah Oh cause he got mad at you right? Yeah he was like

Get out Get out And I had I had shit in my pants Oh my god Wait we were supposed to meet that night. Yeah, yeah. We were supposed to hang out that night, and you disappeared.

And you were so shameful, you didn't even pick up the phone. No, no. Yeah, I called up into a hall. Because I was calling him, and he didn't pick up. And then the next day, he told me, he was like, it was a situation. I shit myself. The cab driver wouldn't take me home. I had to fucking convince him with $300.

Yeah, I was like, $100. He was like, no. I fucking convince him with 300 bucks I was like $100 He was like no I was like $200 He was like no $300 He was like okay I'll take you Because if you didn't go in the cab

You would have to go out I had to take the train My pants I was in the city So shit all the way through Like brown Like you smelled Just like Jessica described Stunk

You had to have stunk Unless you have like That whole feeling of letting go exactly what she described. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's nothing you can do at that point.

You're overwhelmed. Well also physically you have to it just comes out. There's nothing when you have that kind of a situation there's nothing.

Yeah. What happens is it's partly the coke's blame right? No it is the coke's blame. They cut it with baby laxatives. Right. Right. They step on it. Oh right yeah right yes so there's nothing you can do when it comes to that some you know sometimes you can stop but we all know that isn't that the best when it comes it's

coming you have that feeling in your stomach and then it goes back up isn't that the best best the best when you feel it and then you're like it goes away right the best is when you make it the best is when you make it make it yeah it almost the diary is almost enjoyable it feels it feels good there's a relief you didn't shit yourself you're you're in a safe place it's a real there's no anxiety in that moment when you're shitting yourself no when you have diarrhea it's pure bliss of course when you make it to the toilet. Have you ever shit yourself? No. Oh, you're too young. No, I'm too young.

He eats too healthy, too. Yeah. Yeah, he looks like he eats healthy. Yeah. I mean, the kid is like, he gets salmon. He's a kid that orders salmon. Oh, wow. Were your parents around?

No. Oh, wow. Good for you. He takes care of himself. He takes care of himself. I never shit myself, but I have made it home with a low gas and my tank's on E. So that's probably the same feeling similar not even close so you don't you don't hurt yourself we were talking about this also before janice and i at some point do you do you take like you don't hurt yourself no i don't hurt myself well i see that it's amazing to me because

i constantly take do you take things out on other people you don't take things out on yourself emotionally no no see i used to be chubby so i got all that angst out you know i took a lot of Do you take things out on other people? You don't take things out on yourself emotionally? No, no. See, I used to be chubby, so I got all that angst out. I took a lot of it when I was younger, so now I'm just like Freebird. Wow. What an amazing. It's a new generation. I'm telling you, they're different than us. They're more confident than us.

They have the internet. They have the answers at the tip of their fingertips. We had insecurity because we were like, where are the answers? What's right? He just Googles it. It's youtube like like how to live and then he reads the stoics and he's like oh i should worship my time i didn't even know who the stoics were till last night yeah you know it's like but yeah it is a good point me and jessica were talking about it especially in entertainment or comedians or whatever artists either the i've either the two types that I've met,

they've been like sociopathic and they hurt other people and they don't care. Totally. Or they're really good people and they hurt themselves. Yeah, that's like Giannis and I. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I get too fat, I eat, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't ever on purpose hurt other people, but I consistently hurt myself. Yeah. Yeah, the recent thing has been slamming popcorn down my throat, which people, they're like, what are you talking about? Who cares? It's popcorn.

But it's violent, and it's handfuls at a time, and it's all over me, and it's because I'm angry at other people. So I don't take it out on them. And you like eating, like me, I like. It's like crunchy, hard foods, you know, it's yeah, I'm angry. Yeah Yeah in your heart because I got a I have a heart that wants to eat I mean, I right now I'm working out but it's like I blow up quick. I mean I blow up quick I also can lose it but I blow up quick. Yeah mattress. Yeah, it happens quick and I blow up and I'll be

225, 230. And right now I'm about 215. I need to lose 10 more. But I blow up quick. What I want to do is not stop. Of course. Once I stop, I'll do a whole pie. I'll just keep fucking eating.

I won't. You saw me at the Greek restaurant. Giannis and I went out for Greek. First of all, he took me out to a very nice dinner. It was really great. I had to blow him. But out to a very nice dinner. It was really great. I had to blow him, but it was a very nice dinner. You had to what? Blow him.

I mean, it's what it is. I mean, there's nothing free in this world. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But no, he took me out very generous. He had to blow me in the cab on the way back. Yeah, after the dinner. It was a lot after that whole dinner.

After I shit myself. Yeah, yeah. And then tzatziki sauce came out, which was, I don't know if anyone knows that, but- Greek cum tzatziki. Yeah, I was just going to say, I never knew that before, but a load of tzatziki sauce came out. How fucking great would that be if Greek cum tasted good? If Greek cum tasted like tzatziki sauce, I would have never switched over to women.

Because I love tzatziki sauce. Yeah, you're big to women because I love tzatziki sauce you are you're big on feta you're big on feta a Greek I told you Greek food is my favorite food yes and ever love it yeah so we went out he took me to this amazing meal a very nice place um and was very generous but we ordered I think 17 things we really really overdid it. I'm not even exaggerating. Yeah. And he did it with this accent with like, we want this, I don't even know what the fuck he was saying. We need a shagalucky.

Yeah, it was, ah, but it was amazing. And we sat there for hours and hours. Like we sat there for longer than we probably should have. Everyone was gone and we were just still sitting there. Yeah, I mean they were still open but we, but wasn't it weird that the guy was like,

you don't want dessert, right? No dessert. Like why was he trying to talk us out of getting dessert? Was he like, you guys need to lose weight? What was that about? I think he kind of picked up

on the fact that we were two people who like to hurt ourselves. I think he was like, you have a pretty face. Stop eating so much. If you lost the rest of the weight, you have a pretty face. Stop eating so much. If you lost the rest of the weight, you would look really good. He didn't want us to fall off the wagon. Yeah, yeah.

But it was delicious. I ate way too much that night. You controlled you. Did we get dessert or no? No, we didn't get dessert. We didn't get dessert. I ate more than I normally do. But we had delicious. I mean, shrimp and, oh my God, and chicken and big salad and dips and bread.

It was unbelievable. It's so easy to overorder in a Greek restaurant because of the culture of appetizers. Yeah. We had a lot of appetizers. We had octopus. I mean, I'm remembering all the stuff we ate. We had octopus. We had the dips. Then we got that octopus. I mean, I'm remembering all the stuff we ate. We had octopus. We had the dips.

Then we got that shrimp thing. And then I think we ordered. Meatballs. Yeah, the keftetes, the Greek meatballs. I think we ordered more and he didn't bring it. And we had a Greek salad. Yep, the Greek salad. I think he didn't bring it.

I think he 86ed us without us knowing it. Because I remember. I think we 86 us without us knowing it I think one of us got a main dish that never came and I didn't say anything I think he just 86 and he's like look these are two people that could easily fall off the wagon I think he thought we were bulimic and he was trying to have us not throw up I think he felt like we like me and you we could I think we could have just disappeared from the rest of the festival And they find us in the mountains that we're just grocery bags full of food. Just throwing up like goats on a mountain. Because eating is one of the things, right?

You got to watch. Of course. It's a huge thing. It was my first addiction. I mean, I just fed myself because my parents were out. So it was food, then Coke, back to food. It was a lot of things. It's beyond that. I mean, it was food, then Coke, back to food. It was a lot of things. It's beyond that.

I mean, it was also drinking. It was, you know, drugs, pills, pot, always pot. It could be anything. Women, gambling. I mean, whatever. I'm a fucking animal. Yeah. Guys, we are brought to you by Bespoke Posts, box of awesome.

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But there's like with addicts, there's always four garbage cans and three lids. Like there's always one. There's always one addiction that's always brewing. That's my thing. You know, there's always one thing I have to look at. You know, now I'm not, I don't use drugs or drink. You know, I'm married. And so now it's like I always have to watch the food thing.

Right, right, right. You know, I'm not into gambling right now. But there's been times in my life where I've loved to go to the casino. The night is young. She's like, I'm not into it right now. I call her tomorrow. I'm like, where are you? She's like i'm not into it right now i call her tomorrow i'm like where are you she's like i'm a mohican son yeah i'm actually playing there soon yeah so it's like

that's how i am i love i love going nuts i love the excitement the craziness but it's also and social media i'm fucking crazy on my phone right that's also one that i can't put it down you can't put it sometimes i can't. You can't put it sometimes I can't I can't about porn sometimes is that you I've been there. Yeah, not now that could be an addiction to right absolutely Yeah, I could totally get into I love porn on the phone right love it Which a lot of women don't but I do yeah, yeah, I'm like a guy that way You know I'm very male in a lot of ways. Yeah, I know I know when I hang out with you It's like it's like yeah, it's like I'm hanging out with a girl, but I'm like a guy that way. You know, I'm very male in a lot of ways. Yeah, I know, I know. When I hang out with you, it's like, yeah.

It's like I'm hanging out with a girl, but I'm also hanging out with one of my boys. Yeah, I know. I love that. I love it. I talk about it on stage, because a lot of male comics that are single or some that aren't will send me pictures

of like a girl's pussy and be like, hey, I'm on the road in Louisville. Look at this pussy. I'm like, all right, that's a lot. Like, it's just like these lips. I'm like, I don't need to see, but you know,

could you record it? Yeah. Yeah. It is fun. Yeah. I think a lot of my guy friends love talking to a woman, you know, about these chicks.

I totally get it. Like I, I would find that fun too. Yeah. It's very easy. Like it's just, I'll just, I could share it with you. I'd be like, look at her. And you're just like, yeah, yeah, that fun too. Yeah, it's very easy. I'll just share it with you. I'll be like, look at her.

Yeah, look at her. It's funny because I would love to double team a chick with you. Me too. I'm just kidding if my wife's watching. Well, Danielle's not watching. She doesn't watch anything I do. That's the best part. They get so sick of your

comedy that they don't watch anything. She doesn't watch anything I do. That is one best part. That's the best part is they get so sick of your comedy that they don't watch anything. She doesn't watch anything I do. But I, that is one thing I've never done that I've wanted to always do is be with a guy and a girl. I've been with two women, but I've never been with a guy and a girl. Really? Yeah. What was it two women like? It was hot. It was hot.

But then afterwards. Wow, you went somewhere. I did. You went somewhere. I was picturing it. But. But I've never, yeah. The problem is, is like, ugh, one of them was my girlfriend, which is not great. I'd rather be with this two anonymous women. Right. Because I got in trouble for things after. That's stupid.

Yes. Like, it's like, talk to me about it before or whatever. It was like, you know, you shouldn't have done this. Like, you know, why did you go down on her? That was a lot. Like, it's like, talk to me about it before or whatever. It was like, you shouldn't have done this. Why did you go down on her? That was a lot. It's like, fuck you. Right. You agreed to it.

Don't bring up stuff after, in fact. Right, right. Like, fuck that. Especially if you were part of it. Yeah. That's like robbing a bank with someone and the person's like, you're like, we made a plan to rob a bank.

What are you talking about? Yeah. Meanwhile, she had been making out with the girl at a club. She started the whole thing. I was like, if you're going to make out with her, I'm going to fuck her. Right. I brought them back, both back to a hotel. Yeah.

Like she cheated in front of me. Yeah. If you're going to cheat, let's do it. Yeah. Let's go all the way. Now we're all going to have sex. You finished it. Exactly.

Yeah. Fuck that. Yeah. No, that's very. And then I got in trouble for doing stuff. Right. All is fair in love and war. I know. Women are nuts sometimes. I'm serious. Exactly. Fuck that. And then I got in trouble for doing stuff. All is fair in love and war. I know. Women are nuts sometimes.

I'm serious. It is because at the core of it, there are some anatomically anchored things. Gay guys and lesbians have different lifestyles. Very. Very different. Gay menestyles. Yeah, very. Very different. Gay men are fascinating. Yeah. I mean, a lot of my closest, you know,

they're fascinating when it comes to sex. They really are. Now, this is a general thing. Not all gay men are like this. So don't, like, you know, if you're a gay guy listening. But a lot of my gay male friends, even if they're in relationships, they have agreements relationships they have

agreements where they can literally be with other it is so fascinating to me fascinating is another word for fun right exactly it's so great yeah yeah or they can be with other people together i mean they have all different situations yeah they got gumars yeah it's allowed to have gumars great yeah it's great. Multiple Gumars. Or one of them can be with other people. The other one isn't interested. So he's like, okay, you can fuck whoever you want as long as you don't stay over there. You can do

this. You can do that. I can do this. You can. I mean, it's just unbelievable. And then they'll be together for 40 years. They're like mercenaries. It's an underrated. Yeah, they're like mercenaries for hire. I'm here for the, yeah, I'm for the job. Yeah, I'll take it. I got multiple contracts going at the same time. And that's a lot of what's happening now in generation, you know, in this generation,

like open relationships or agreements. It is more common now, but for our generation, it's not very common. It's very fluid, like your rectum. Yeah, now it's fluid, right? Like the generations now are a lot more fluid, a lot less judgment, maybe like exploring, stuff like that. You know, it is interesting that gay guys, they kind of live like celebrities a little bit.

Yeah, they do. In that they just hook up. They hook up. They fucking go. I'm telling you, do you know how many, I've done probably 50 gay cruises and resorts over the years, and they are unbelievable. Right.

What's going on? I mean, you want to talk about a party? Yeah. It is, first of all, they fly in the biggest DJs party planner in the world. I'm talking the biggest in the world. You know, lasers, lighting. It's unbelievable. Like the biggest.

The people that you listen to on iTunes. You know, famous people. And so the parties are just, they bring outfits like six bags of, you know, luggage of outfits. Like skimpy, they're hot. Most of them are beyond gorgeous with these bodies. And they have outfits, like to the nines. And they're all different themed parties, like the jungle party.

And it's like the hottest outfits you can ever imagine. And then they'll have tea dances and all kinds of shit with necklaces like available you know this green means you know you're completely single blue means you're in a relationship but you're looking for someone to join that like all this shit and then on every door like on the cruise there's message boards and it's like, come suck my dick, I'm open, this is this, come at this time, this is that. Then there's a party

in room 2109, different parties for different sexual things. I mean, it is unbelievable. Then there's a deck, there's a sex deck. So there's a deck

on deck 11 where every night you go and you do things. So I checked it out. If homosexuality was a choice, I'd choose it. I'd choose it too. Because they're having a fucking blast.

I would do anything to be a gay man. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Anything. So I've gone to check out the gay, because I have to. I had to see what was going on. I had to. Yeah.

And I've snuck up there. And it's unbelievable. Wait, did you snuck up as you or did you like Joan of Arc? As me. You didn't Joan of Arc it. Like, hey, what's up, guys? Hey, what's up? How you doing?

I'm coming here to get my dick sucked. But I did, you know, like just go up and just kind of stand in the corner because it's so dark. You can't even, like in the middle of the night, it's so dark up there. They're fooling around. They're fucking sucking each other's dicks

and it's just like,'s so um fun fun and amazing and hot yeah and you know and and a lot of them are careful they use protection it's not it's it's just free and it's really like hot yeah it's so hot because you know what they're hot yeah Yeah, they take care of their bodies Yeah, they're very like because they're guys they're visual because like that's what I'm saying A lot of the underpinnings are anatomically anchored, right? So they're gay but they're guys so guys tend to be a little more visual So they want to look good because like yeah, they're not all gorgeous. I'm not like, you know, but They all some of them are rich, right? And by the way, some of them are rich right and uh by the way some of them do pay someone to

come on the trip it's what it is it's also hot to me yeah i think that's hot honest arrangement in my opinion 100 i totally get it if you have the money and if someone's willing to go some of them don't fool around with the person at all they They just come as a companion. They want to get massages all week. Some of them are 75, 80-year-old men who just wants to come and look at the guy for the week. I think it's an honest arrangement. I think gold diggers get a bad rap. I do too.

It's a hard job. You got to look good. You got to do something you don't want to do i mean it's a job some of them don't have to do anything they literally want someone to sit with them at five star restaurant on the cruise the whole week and have a companion to eat with and go to the shows with they don't even touch them yeah but i'm saying very common from that person's perspective they're probably going like this guy's boring as fuck but they're getting paid it's a job right you know it's a job. Right.

You know, it's a job. It is a job. It's a fucking job. I do that with my grandma for free. There you go. That's hilarious. Yeah. Now, here's what I want to know.

Then you go on a lesbian cruise. I've done a ton. What's the difference? A lot of jazzies. Yeah. It's a different vibe. Yeah, a lot of motorized wheelchairs. A lot of crying.

What's the DJ like? Is the DJ wearing a fanny pack and sandals? Yes. There's no light shows. They get some hot DJs. They get some hot DJs. They're fun. You know what is great? A lot of these women come from very, very small areas

in the middle of the USA and South where they aren't out. And they get ridiculed and they can't live their life. They live a secret life. You know, they're not out in their jobs. So they come on this cruise and they go nuts because they can be themselves and be free and they've never even experienced anything like it. So they're like, this is the only time they've ever

been out yeah it's on this cruise but you know what's interesting to me when I like the are like the veteran lesbians going like okay like okay now tone it down yes I I have it's there's been times when a lot on these cruises and these resorts when they've been offended by my comedy it's been times when a lot on these cruises and these resorts when they've been offended by my comedy. It's been frustrating. And there's the young generation where they're just out there and doing crazy stuff and having a blast. They're really hot.

And then you have the much older lesbians who've been there, done it, paved the way, and they're more angry. Yeah, yeah. It's like a new comic energy at Montreal. Yes, yes. Like, all right, we've been, just calm down. You're not going to get anything.

It's not going to be crazy. It's all bullshit. You're wasting your time. It's all lip service. We've been here a hundred times. They underpay you. They fucking give you promises. Yeah, how much did you get from being there?

I mean, come on, Giannis. It's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. You know what? And then when you see the taxes, like the fucking with 11 yeah they take there's that foreign word yeah after commission and taxes we walk away with half the and half the money it's like jesus christ that's the trade-off though but when you do go to quebec

you don't see any like bad neighborhoods or like poverty but you just can't get filthy rich there yeah there's always a positive and a negative I mean they got like socialism to the gills up there so it's very balanced but you you could also walk into a restaurant and like stand at the maitre d table for ten minutes before they see you yeah cuz they don't give a fuck like they don't care about business everything's paid for right that's why they're not going back to work their airlines were all fucked up They lost their fucking luggage

They were not the friendliest people in the restaurants and stores They're cunts Let's just be honest You French people are a little cunty They are a little cunty And we're in Montreal which means that's the best ones They can be a little cunty I walked out of two restaurants

I was by myself I walked out of two restaurants in Quebec And by myself. Really? I walked out of two restaurants in Quebec, and it was for the same reason. I got there, right? And I'm like, hey, table for one. They say bonjour in French first, so I'm like, okay. They don't say bonjour hi, so I'm like, I may have a problem, right? Because they didn't even do the English. And then I'm like, hi, table for one.

And then no smile, nothing. I know. They're like, we're a little busy give me a second and i stood there for 10 minutes with open tables right in front of my face and then i walked out and they didn't look or say anything they didn't care i know that's how it was same exact thing for me yeah it's a exact same situation they treat americans like it's so you get you get a feeling what it's like to be discriminated against person. I didn't like it. I'm like, I'm an American.

Look at him laughing. I was like, this is what it feels like to be black in America. You couldn't get a seat. Couldn't get a seat. Except you'd be waiting a half an hour. Right. And then you'd be shot.

It's a difference. Yeah. Tiny difference. Yeah, no, but there's a lot of positives. It's a fun place. Yeah. Montreal's got some good food. It's beautiful.

Yeah. It's great. I mean, it's really beautiful there, and it feels peaceful there. It does. Did you feel a difference? We're talking about the Montreal Comedy Festival that we were there together for four years

In the beginning, Giannis and I were like Let's go out to eat It's great to see you At the end of it, we would just leave our sets We just nodded each other We were co-workers at a job Married a couple for 40 years It was funny

Did you feel anything different? What I felt, and you tell me if there's... I feel like there's no community. I feel like everyone's sectioned off. Everyone's kind of like, because of cancel culture and everything, people are like, let's not even talk. Of course.

I'd rather not talk. Let's just stay in our own thing and, like, whatever. Like, it doesn't feel like there's a community anymore. It feels like everyone's just kind of, everyone's kind of, like, treating each other, like, at a distance because they're not sure how we're going to judge each other. It's a very weird feeling. It is weird.

I feel like everyone's out for themselves, and it's a very strange feeling. I totally feel that way. You felt it. Yeah. Yeah. I feel, and it's clicky and it's just,

I feel like the whole business is so weird now. It's very weird. It used to be everyone kind of knew who everyone was and now I'm like, who are the, I don't know.

I feel the same way. I feel like I used to know everyone and now I have no idea who anyone is, even industry or I don't know anyone. Yeah. And it's because

there's so many right like in New York alone what's the Facebook group of like amateur comics is like 3,000 people what and we see indoor outdoor comedy on Facebook in 3,000 comics what and that's just the group so there's like there's like probably 10,000 people who would call themselves comedians in New York alone. And then you go to any other city, there's like thousands more. And they're all on the internet. They're all putting clips up. It used to be like there was a couple hundred.

And then there was like everyone knew. There really was a couple hundred. That was it. And that's all. I'm talking about like open micers, people who were like at the feature level,liner in a clubs not in the clubs uh doing bars whatever there's like you kind of almost knew who everyone was sort of now do you think that's people from outside of new york that are joining that group too probably some but there are like a good amount of comics that come you know people who are like even from baltimore dc philly who travel up here on the weekend. Hey, you guys got any shows?

This and that. So it's pretty accurate. Yeah. But like, yeah, it was a smaller number. Now it's a bigger number. Comedians are kind of like Mexicans. They just multiply. We need to build a wall.

We need to build a wall against all these young comics. Now you just got your lawn done. Yeah. What'd you do? I put like a flooring on the outside so that when the kids fall, they don't break their head open a big. Yeah. And then I kept a bunch of the grass and I took down all the trees and put

up new trees. They were all dead. Very nice. Yeah. And I put, you know, couches there in a fire pit. And yeah,

well, did you put them or did you have, can you imagine? Yeah. I don't even know how to like use a shovel. Yeah. It's funny. Cause I'd say a fire pit. Well, did you put them or did you have... Can you imagine? Yeah, it was... I don't even know how to use a shovel. Yeah, it's funny because I'd say the same thing. Well, what I did was I decided to... I took...

Because I describe it the same way. It's hilarious. I was like... I'll always go like, I took down three trees. And you're like, did you? Did I?

Are you handy at all? Not at all. Yeah. Yeah. I got a toilet right now that like something happened in there. I just turned the water off That toilets out of order till there's a man who can fix it man

Yeah, I describe it the same way I heard you describe it I'm like I'm the same way I'm like yeah I decided to my hope I'd read it my basement there. I go. I just said I read it my base. I didn't do shit I watched as fucking Mexicans crawled all over the place. I mean, once a week, my backyard looks like El Paso, Texas, fucking crawling with Mexicans. So does mine. There's 11 of them. And we always offer them espresso and water because I feel bad they're working for me. But meanwhile, we pay them so much fucking money.

It's unbelievable. Yeah. But they work so hard. Yeah, they work so hard yeah they work so hard they come in and just nail it yeah like and they come and grow like six of them ten of them yeah they come right off of a truck this is what i always wondered and i wanted to ask one why do they dress like in the heat they'll still have jeans and like long sweaters on. Mine will wear a burka. I swear to God they're covered.

Only their eyes are showing. Yeah, they dress, is it like better for the heat or something? I'm always like, why aren't they in shorts or like naked? It's 100 degrees out. I thought the exact same thing the other day. They were literally covered, shirts to here, covered in jeans, pants pants and then a white thing down here with the hat the whole thing yeah it's crazy I don't know yeah they look so like warm I don't know why they don't want to be noticed by ice honestly

you're right because I was gonna turn. Yeah, you can't, not before. No, they're great, dude. But it's funny, it's such a big part of suburban life, is like landscaping. There's so many things I had to learn because I moved from the city. Yeah. Landscaping, you got to do that once a week. And it's all a fortune.

It's just a fortune. It's a money pit. It's a real money pit. It is, but it's worth it because you know what? I love that my kids have a place to play. You have a lovely family. Thank you. You've got a great family.

How long have you been married now? I've been married almost eight years together, 10. Almost 10. I'm almost there with you. Really? I'm together eight married. She's so great. We've been together eight. She's great.'ve been together eight she's great she really is great yeah she's so unattractive but she's really

i don't know if i'd be able to do it if i was younger though you know i know i got to a place where i wanted it yeah you know yeah i mean i remember what i was saying to you a couple weeks ago i remember when the last time we were in montreal not the it may have been too much i don't know when it was years ago when when yannis was very like i'm scared i'm scared you know which all i think men and women go through but you were younger and scared and um skinnier he was he was like oh my god committing and marriage, which is what most of my guy friends go through, of course,

when you're about to commit through marriage. Yeah, how about you? I was petrified. You did it twice. Yeah, the first time I got married, it wasn't legal yet to marry a woman, but we had a big wedding. But the second time, I was petrified.

I have a big wedding. But the second time I was petrified. I have a commitment issue. My parents had a horrible marriage and they got divorced. I think when you're a kid of divorce it's very scary. For me at least it was. Do you want to hear a funny story? I went with my ex-girlfriend Jessie

made of Fire Island to do a show. This is when we were dating. I was opening for her because it was like they booked her. I remember when you were opening. Yeah. God, that was so long ago. No, but like this was an exception.

She usually opened for me. But I was opening for her because of Spire Island. They wanted her. And I went with her because we were dating. And we went. She murdered, of course.

But I went up before her. And there was two guys with glass heels on in the front glass and they had glass heels on and they would get up and they would tip right and i want i went on after a drag queen who murdered yeah they murdered i mean the guy was six foot three, doing splits. He was like fucking singing like, oh, the single ladies and the fucking crowd. They were throwing money. Following that is like following, I don't even know what.

And then I went up, and this is what makes it worse. I went up, I started talking about my dumb fucking straight shit, right? And one of the guys, God bless him, was just honest. Because you know when this was it was right when gay marriage passed and i'm sitting up there going like you know what it is like i hate when my girl and they're at one guy one of the guys in the glass heel goes it's not you it's just gay marriage just passed can we just have this like he was basically saying like can we just just like it's not like we don't not now like just put your straight in a backpack and pack it up

and save it is so we want to see the a fabulous chick up there running around her miniskirt going yes jessie may run around talk about your labia they just didn't want to hear it and i got it and i was bombing so hard and i just understood and i was like i was like and i had to do my time so i just bombed it up and then i walked off and then she came on and she had like a glitter dress on and they were like yes they were throwing money at her and it was just i just like interrupted like one of the most important moments in gay history on Fire Island. The timing could not be worse

for a straight guy to just come up there and be like, I hate when my girlfriend complains. They're like, ah! Not now! She never cooks or cleans.

It was so funny. And I bring that up because that's a big moment. Yeah. You're an OG. Lesbian. Yeah. it was so funny and I bring that up because like yeah that's a big moment yeah yeah oh gee yeah lesbian yeah so when these new lesbians come like yeah yeah I talked about that a lot when I you need to clear yourself queer I'm like number one you kissed a girl once and you're saying you're a lesbian shut the fuck up cuz you don't even know what you are yet number one because I didn't he wasn't even allowed to hold hands with my partner when i came out like i would have gotten rock thrown at me right you know where

i was you know where i was um growing up where i was i i mean no one was gay when i i sound like when i was but it's really true right when i was in junior high and high school no one was gay you weren't gay no one said they were gay you were just larry was larry talks weird or you know jocelyn is is you know she's so masculine she plays softball but like no one was gay no one no i didn't even hear that you had a level you had a level of when i went to college it was like it was almost like a little brave-ish I still didn't hear it in college I didn't even hear it in college I don't remember in my circles I no one that I knew was gay so it was and when I my first relationship I was a senior and she was a freshman and we kept a secret for three years we were

petrified to come out make it a a little hotter though? So hot. Because we met in hotels and all kinds of shit. It was so hot. But when younger people tell me I need to call myself queer and I need to say this and I need to say that, I can't. It drives me. Don't tell me what I need to call myself. Don't tell me what I need to say. That's where I get a little crazy with that stuff.

Very justified. Those extreme views. Because I don't like being told what I have to say, what I need to call this, what I need to... I'm going to say whatever I want. I'm going to call myself whatever I want. I mean, I also... I hate labels because I've been with men. I've told you this.

I've been sexual with men. I never minded having sex with men. Well, sometimes you got gotta pay for Greek food I never minded having sex with men I enjoyed it I never could fall in love with a man right I ever told me that never I always if I had sex with a guy, the next day I was like, I'll get me out of this apartment. Interesting. Like I just didn't want to spend, you know, I could be friends with men.

I just never fell in love with a man. Right, right. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a man. Right. I always wanted to be in a relationship with a woman. But what do you prefer sexually? I prefer sexually with women, but I do enjoy having sex with men too. Yeah, yeah.

It's like sprinkles. Yep. Yeah. It's like you're a cook. I could get turned on. I could orgas sex with men too. Yeah, yeah. It's like sprinkles. Yep. Yeah, it's like you're a cook. I could get turned on. I could orgasm with a man. Wow. That shows me I'm not fully gay. Of course.

I watch straight porn. Right, right. It's a spectrum. Right. So like my ex has never had sex with a man. Right. Never. And she's very feminine.

Right. But she's never, ever, ever had intercourse with a man right there's so many different levels and different things and different so it can be very confusing and and so when people say you're you know you're a dyke or you're a lesbian it's like yeah i mean i guess i right now i'm a lesbian i'm married to a woman but i'm not a lesbian it's so it's so confusing. You're Jessica Kirsten. Right, and that's why I don't label myself,

and I don't like being seen as a lesbian comic, and it's not the first thing about me. The first thing about you, well, that's what the young people do now. I know, I know. They go up there and they're like, they wave it and they go like, because they get a lot of points from that

because of all the groundbreaking people like you did, which is annoying. it is i get from your perspective how that could be very annoying yeah because you're funny first right you're just funny it's like nobody goes nobody watches you and goes like i just watched a lesbian comedian right and those are the best comics right the best comics are like nobody watches me and go like i saw a greek comic i know you know nobody know nobody like the Greeks want that but it's like you know they don't pay enough for me to do it so it's like you know nobody go it's like they see me and they're like I just saw a comic right they see you they go I just saw hilarious comedian Jessica

Kearse and yeah go like thank god there I saw lesbian it's like everyone's happy to see you yeah cuz you're so fucking funny right it's like everyone's happy to see you because you're so fucking funny. Right. It's like when some male men on the internet, like on YouTube or TikTok, will go, and it happens almost every day, will go, another unfunny woman or female comics suck or female comics aren't funny. I'm like, just say this person isn't funny. It's ridiculous. Because it's not, I'm really not not a female comic meaning i don't even talk about being a woman ever right ever right no those people are losers well they hate i'm not saying this to be i'm i really mean this and it doesn't come from an angry place those people

have major issues with women yes they do like really and and and same goes for women with men. Right. Like. You see it as projected anger. A hundred percent. Yeah. Meaning women or girls that hate male comics have huge issues with men. Right. And maybe with their father or this one or that one. I really believe that. Right.

It goes both ways. Right. But the guys who are constantly like women aren't funny and female comics suck, they got some big issues with mom or an ex or someone hurt them. Right. Someone did something. Because to say that all women aren't funny

is such a ridiculous thing. They got heartbroken at one point in time. Something happened. Yeah. It's not true. Yeah. It's just not true. And it's such a blanket statement.

Yeah. Because have you heard every woman? And to say that women aren't funny, I mean, forget about comics. Yeah. To say that all women aren't funny is so, it is such a, it's literally saying, I have major issues with women. For sure. Because also, a funny woman equals power. Yep.

If a woman makes you laugh, she's pretty powerful. Yes, comedy gives you power. Yeah. Yeah, it's a stupid thing to say. Something happened. It's ridiculous. Jared is a young kid. Of course, he's like 24.

And he's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. And he's smart. And he fucking says wise things. I'm fucking older than him and he says shit and I'm like, that's one of the wisest things I've heard. He actually said, it stuck with me, he's like,

like bro, look what you just murmured. Someone broke their heart. At some point, people get their heart broken and they don't deal with it and then they just start projecting the hate out. That's what happens. Talk about Patrice with that, yeah. Huh? We talk about Patrice. Yeah. And Talk about Patrice with that, yeah. Huh?

We talk about Patrice. Yeah. And how he has a show business, yeah. And show business. Like somewhere, like, you get your heart broken, and then you either become mean, or you either go two ways. You either become mean and defensive

and start hating groups and all this bullshit. You become a sexist or racist or whatever. Or you reflect, and you get more vulnerable and more empathetic. Which is beautiful. Which is beautiful. Yeah. Because when you get your heart broken, it's an more vulnerable and more empathetic. Which is beautiful. Which is beautiful. Because when you get your heart broken, it's an opportunity to become more empathetic

because you understood what you felt. You don't want someone, you understand, you can put yourself easier in somebody else who's hurting shoes. Right. But people who are weaker and not as courageous, they go the other way and it becomes issues. You're a therapist's daughter. Yeah.

I mean, how many Jews are not therapist's daughters? Well, actually, I feel bad for people, kind of. I do, when a guy says that, because I'm like, who hurt you? Like, it's really, someone must have really, a woman must have really hurt them, or they haven't had a connection to a woman in so long. They're desperate for that connection,

or to get laid, or whatever. I mean, I really mean that. Like, it's it's very obvious to me right when they'll go women aren't funny or another unfunny woman or you know this woman sucks it's like like what are they dying for they're dying for that connection absolutely or they really their mother really did a number on them like what the fuck did she do to you Freud was right about that yeah about the child the development like the Freudian Freudian stuff is true like you're formed in those formative years it's all familial definitely complex electric it's all formed in your

childhood I definitely I totally think so and I feel it in my own life he was wrong about a few things. Definitely. Penis envy was a little weird. Yeah. That was a little weird. It was like women just all want dicks. I don't want a dick.

Yeah. And I'm a lesbian. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Or I'm bisexual but I don't want to I don't even want a dick. Right. That was a little weird.

That's just the coke. He just kept Coke He should have went to bed. That's when Freud should have went to bed. But since he was on coke he just kept going. He's like you, that's just the coke. He just kept, coke, he should have went to bed. That's when Freud should have went to bed. But since he was on coke, he just kept going. He's like, you know, he's just like, he came up with all the, he just went too far.

He's just shitting himself. Humans always go too far. They never know when to stop. That's the problem. It's the same thing with justice, social justice. Any, you look at the hippies, they had a great cause, then they became the yippies. You're like, what's your cause?

Once you accomplish your cause, it's like, now let's just do drugs and keep going and then they want to keep tearing shit down they just don't know when to stop i think it was marcus aurelius one of those stoics who had a great line it's like uh you got to know when to put down your sword and pick up your plow and it's like it's like the war's over now it's time to pick up your plow and go back to be a farmer but people can't do that you know You know, they just continued like what's the next cause then they start to identify as an activist and like they just don't know When the war is won and then that's when they become annoying. I know you just become annoying Yeah, you're going like now you're going too far. It's like you it's over you won now go back and just fucking

You know raise your pigs or whatever you're doing. People can't do that, though. It's tough. Humans. Adolf Genghis, Sean King. Can't stop. Sean King. Keep going.

Well, Jesse had the great expression from years back that I always remember. There's no end to up. It just keeps going. Like, that's the problem. You just keep going. Yeah, it's never enough. You taught me something in Montreal about the dry drunk. I didn't know about that. Yeah.

I had never heard of that. What's this? Can you explain the dry drunk. I didn't know about that. Yeah. I had never heard of that. What's this? Can you explain the dry drunk? The dry drunk. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can be sober, but if you're not working some kind of program, it's a nightmare. That made so much sense when you said that.

So there's a lot of people who stop using drugs and drinking who are addicts. I'm not talking about people who are like, you know what, I drink a little too much, I'm going to stop. I'm talking about someone who is clearly an addict who has an addiction problem and the personality of an addict like me. So there's been times when I've stopped using drugs and alcohol, but I didn't work a program. stopped using drugs and alcohol but i didn't work a program i didn't look at the reasons that made me um the deep down issues that made me use drugs and alcohol and other things and i didn't work on those core issues but i gave up the substances and i was a nightmare to be around so it just goes in another area exactly you're just you are all those other things and you're not using the drugs and the alcohol to suppress it. So you're a fucking nightmare.

Right. So all those other, those, so as an addict, I am very self-centered, very, I can be very selfish. I lie. I do things that are not, you know, are not honest. Liar, cheater. I don't keep my word a lot. It sounds crazy that I'm saying all these things,

but kind of like I'm the piece of shit in the center of the universe. That's a good description of an addict. Just very selfish. And so when I'm working a program, when I'm looking at my character defects, when I'm doing service, like when I'm working a program

and I'm helping others a lot, I'm doing a lot of service, I'm trying to help other alcoholics and addicts, I am getting outside of myself, right? I am a much better person. I am a much better person. I am a much better person to be around. I am there for my kids more. I am just a kinder, more empathetic person.

And I'm not so focused on Jessica and what Jessica needs. And I'm not in my head as much. I'm not negative. I'm more positive. I'm just easier to be around because I'm not what Jessica Jessica Jessica Jessica Right, I get it it that when you told me that I was like blown away I never thought and then I like there's some people I know it just puts a lot of things in perspective Yeah, oh I get that now if you think about it, and you really think about who you know and who are addicts

Who maybe aren't using drugs and alcohol? and who are addicts who maybe aren't using drugs and alcohol, it'll make a lot of sense to you. Right, it makes a lot of sense. And we're comics, so the question's more like, who isn't that? There's like, I know three that aren't.

Right. It's like most people who do comedy have addiction problems. Right, so you know comics who work a program, who help a lot of other people, who work on steps, and who, you know, I'm involved in a program and I help a lot of other people, who work on steps, and who, you know, I'm involved in a program, and I do a lot of work in it, and I'm doing great.

Now, there's, again, been times I haven't. And, by the way, when I haven't done that, I've eventually always ended up using drugs and alcohol again. Interesting, right. Every single time I've relapsed. Right. There hasn't been a time when I haven't relapsed. So it's very important for addicts to be in service of other people.

Because we're self-centered. That's the therapy of it. Yeah. It's all about giving to other people. Right. And it could be anything. It could be helping someone cross the street. I'm not talking about...

It's just because we're so self-centered. Right. And it's a disease of the mind right that's probably good advice for everyone but probably dire advice for you know someone who's an addict it is yeah because we have a self obsession we and it's it I'm not judging myself it's a disease like having diabetes or anything we have to take medicine to deal with diabetes right my medicine is is my program so if I don't do it I'm gonna be sick and I means I'm gonna be sick in my head right and it's really true when I start

creeping away from it I start thinking very negatively dark my thoughts get really fucked up and then when I start doing the work again like calling um someone who's struggling right with drugs and alcohol if i call someone and reach out to them and how are you do you need any help i swear to god my day turns around and it gets better interesting that's incredible that's a great that's a great perspective for anyone who struggles with any of that and that is like great advice for anyone who struggles with that of that, and that is great advice for anyone who struggles with that because that's really the only way. I guess that's why AA is one of the, and NA works, right?

For the most part, it works. People will put it down. Those people are dry drugs. Right. You're not supposed to go on radio and film and talk about it. I will just say that I've tried everything on my own. I've tried therapy. I've tried everything. All I can say is I have almost died from addiction many times.

And I look like, you know, Jessica is so fun and I'm so powerful on stage in this great career and everyone loves me. I have come close to death so many times where it's gotten so bad, where I've been on drugs laying in my bed, where I've felt myself losing my life and I've come back, literally felt myself and prayed, oh my God, please don't let me die.

And I could have lost my family so many times I I've driven so wasted drunk on drugs I have done so many things that are so dangerous where I've gone in the middle of night in my car to the projects where I've had a gun pulled on me I mean these things you look at me you're like what are you fucking kidding me? Isn't it crazy that you're hearing me say this? Yeah, yeah. So I've been desperate to the point where I've tried so many times just to say I can do it myself and I can't because I've ended up relapsing.

The only thing that's worked for me is a program. It's the only thing. I have proven it to myself. Yeah. And you're right. i have a friend who very close to me couldn't get closer who lost that way lost that way every time i talk about it it'd be like that's not for me the program's not it doesn't work i can i do it and it he just it didn't work that way it didn't and what you're saying is true it just unfortunately he lost

yep lost big and it was because he never stayed in that it when he was in that program when he was in service of others doing that thing it worked and then the other times he was just lying to himself he was able to function for a while we'll be great liars lying lying lying lying until it just completely fell off the wagon. And it's just a nightmare now. It's like I try not to think about it. Yeah. It happens constantly.

My wife is an addictions therapist and she deals with teens and young adults. And I can't tell you how many funerals she's been to. It's a nightmare. Now, in your relationship with her, does she try to, you know? She doesn't, which is great. My mom did that my whole life. I want to put down the popcorn. Yeah, Jessica. She did say, she said last week, I saw a bag of Skinny Pop in the back seat.

I'm like, shut the fuck up. She jokes with me about it, but she's been sober 16 years, and she's amazing. And she, I don't know how she. Oh, so she's also an addict. Yeah, she's been sober 16 years, and she's amazing. And she, I don't know how she. Oh, so she's also an addict. Yeah, she's been sober 16 years, which is unbelievable. And she, I don't know how she deals with teens and young adults, because that is by far the hardest group to deal with. Because talk about how hard.

Can you imagine, like, your teens trying to get sober? Forget it. Yeah, because they haven't hit any rock bottom. Yeah, they're just, like, they're having fun still. Right, and then you're still like, all the kids are going to parties and all this other shit. They don't got bills to pay

and real responsibilities. They don't have anything really to fuck up yet. Right, and what's a bottom to that exactly? Yeah. So, yeah, it's very, very hard, but it's great that we support each other. I mean, I'm very lucky, but it's very, very hard to stick.

Who's that? That's you. Tears of a clown, baby. It's my dad's first painting when he got back from Korea. Really? Yeah. He said that was his self-portrait.

He's a sad clown. Oh, my God. That's why it's right there. That picture is incredible, Giannis. It's one of my prized possessions, yeah. It's his first painting that he did of a person. I don't know. That's what he told me.

It's a better story that way. A person in Korea or a person in the mental hospital? No, it's him. He came back from Korea. He went to a mental hospital. I think that's incredible. Yeah. He went to a mental hospital?

Yeah, yeah. And he drew that picture? Because he had, yeah, he had, back then they called it shell shock. But you would You know you get the rash And it starts to Like the The trauma manifests

On your body And so he got the rash And all that And then he had to go For like a month or two Yeah he had PTSD He saw some stuff You know my mom

Is an art therapist She would love to see that Take a pic Tell her Yeah I am I'd like to go see your mom. She would fucking break me down.

She'd break you down. She's good, right? I bet you she's good. Yeah. She's amazing. Yeah. There's been comics who've seen my mom. Really?

Yeah. I've given comics my mother's number a bunch, a lot, have seen my mom. And she doesn't even tell me when they go to her. Can you believe this? A lot of newer comics, this well that's a lot of newer that's a good that's a good therapist unbelievable that's how like old school she is so look someone will come to me months later and be like i've been seeing your mom for months and i'm like what you've like been to my house or like yeah like yeah she has never told me that's amazing

yeah i'm in therapy and it I need to be in therapy. It's someone I just, it's something that I need to do. And when I'm doing it, it's just cause, uh, I don't have, I don't know if I have the addictions, but I have the obsessive personality. I can be self absorbed. All the elements you're talking about. Uh, I think my addictions are to my thoughts or something i don't know i i know you pretty well and i don't see you as a addict yeah but i think

that you just have anxiety yes and that can be very self-consuming yes um you're the daughter of a therapist you have it in you too a little bit you see people are you kidding me you see fucking people I'm sorry I've been in therapy since I'm eight so yeah since you were eight since I'm a mostly on so crazy so your mom got you started early early early more therapy yeah so i mean there's been years when i haven't gone but like i i usually stay and like right now i go like every two weeks you're like the tiger woods of therapy yeah you know tiger woods dad just put a golf club in his hand i know your mom just put you in a sofa? Yeah, yeah. But I tried all different kinds.

And when my dad passed and COVID started and I went to trauma therapy, I was very traumatized by his death. Yeah. Because he was not good. Like he was really difficult when he died. Yeah. He was enraged.

Why, because Trump didn't win the second election? Yeah, that's really why. He was very into Trump. No, he was like, Daddy's gonna die, deal with it! Like, he was so angry. Tough guy. Tough.

I was like, I love you. He's like, how many times are you gonna say I love you? I fucking get it! You know what I loved? I loved those two guy characters you do with that other man is my dad that man character that guy do how you doing it's Matt yeah father I mean though you you guys did it like two or three of those I saw I don't know how many did yeah but I mean they

did a lot of them I was barreled over laughing. Yeah. You're talking about like being respectful to women. Fucking love tits. Yeah. Yeah. He was a big business guy. Who's that other comic? She's very funny. Sarah Hyland.

Yeah. And then I did it with Rachel too. Rachel was Trent, my cousin. Yeah. Dude, it's so. Hysterical. You got it. Are those on your gram?

No, they're all on my YouTube. Go to her YouTube. Oh, they're on my Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. They're all over my YouTube. Go to her YouTube. Oh, they're on my Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. They're all over my Instagram. They're so fucking funny. I could see how you're holding and laughing the whole time.

I'm dying. It's so fucking funny. Yeah. You're so good at characters. You're so good at fucking all that stuff. Now, what's great, what's interesting, and I love this about comedy, too, and like, it's sort of in the entertainment business, but it's also like plays by its own rules

in that like it's not really age or looks specific the way Hollywood is, because Hollywood is very superficial fucking comedy. Like it can happen, like things can happen at any time. It's all about funny. You're kind of peaking now. This is your time. You've about funny you're kind of peaking now yeah this is your time yeah you've been funny for a long time people say that all the comics say that you know burr said that

jessica should have been famous 40 years ago all that maybe that's true maybe that's not you've been funny the whole time but now it's like really cooking yeah like you're cook you have all that experience you've always had all that talent yeah like is a, you seem like you're in a good place. Yeah, I am. Does that help your comedy when, like, you're in a good place? Well, I'm ready. Yeah. You know, I feel like I'm ready.

I've, I'm intent on it all happening now. So I think when you just know it and you, like, are ready for it, it just, it happens. Yeah. You know? My mom always told me that it's like you you act as if it's happening and I started doing that like two years ago and I really feel like I'm creating it like it's all coming together and I don't think I would be ready for all of it to happen like even three or four

years ago that's why I bring that to I guess that with you too yes I feel a vibe with you too I'm not just saying I think I would talk to you about that anyway yeah well that's why I brought it up too because I kind of feel similarly like if I think like I'm not young but I also think like I had so many other things that were getting that like it just wasn't my time like I didn't feel it just like it wouldn't I couldn't have it couldn't have I feel the best now I know you know and you are the best now meaning in your in your energy not I'm not talking about the comedy I'm talking about you're very mature right now and so am I I think we've matured into a place where it's

time I don't think so many people did and it happened too fast and then it went away right and i think that like it it's comics like us it it's more like we're it's our time um more so now because we can create it ourselves like we're doing yeah um and i love what's happening for me because it's proof to people to comics that it can happen after all these years and i mean i always worked i always had things going on yeah uh but i it is such a fuck you to the to hollywood and to the business like you can't control me and it's not all up to you right i can control it and make it happen with my social media and and is the fans. It is the fans. And it is that you just need one or two people behind you in the business

to help you. Yeah. The internet gives you the ability to just show, get it to people and people find it without someone having to say I choose you or not.

Yeah, it's the fans that are doing it. The fans do it. They really are. That's who's doing it for me. And other comics, which is great. It's completely other comics. Which is the best way comics which is the best way too it's the fans and other comics because nobody knows more than the comics the comics know it's like when you watch football commentator it's like who are you going to listen to yep you're going to listen to bob costas or

are you going to listen to troy aikman like on on analysis. Troy Aikman knows because he played. So comics know. They know who the beasts are. They know who... It is the other comics. It's other comics. And the fans know because they go to the shows. And Jessica murders. I mean, Jessica's like fucking murders.

The room's going like... He just can't handle it. And it's a beautiful thing. You're one of my favorite comics. You're one of all the comics favorite comics. You're one of the audience's favorite comics always. You're actually my wife's favorite comic. That's very sweet.

That's her favorite comic. Jessica Kiersten is her favorite comedian. She'll tell you that's her favorite comic. There's just one. It's not me. Danielle does that too. Yeah, but her favorite comic. There's just one. It's not me Yeah, but her favorite my wife's favorite comedian is Jessica Kearse I love her like her favorite of her number one He's in that's the one she likes she had that office fucking thing. She wanted to get you for her company Yeah, but like you're her just all-time favorite comic. She just nobody makes her laugh Like you do and I love i love her i actually i

think you're gonna understand this too at this point in my career i don't care if someone turns me down like you know in the recent not very recent but an agent a huge agent had turned me down and i'm like okay fuck you it years ago that would have killed me even maybe four or five years ago I would have been crushed and I was like you're lost you're going to regret it that's how I think now I'm like I am on a mission

and it's war that's the right mentality because at the end of the day you can't stop you can't stop it well Janice I watched you let me just say this to you it's gonna be uncomfortable yeah don't go don't give me compliments then maybe it's gonna be horrible I watched you I mean we did we

hate ourselves everything I just said I didn't mean I watched you for 19 shows in Montreal and you're just brilliant you're brilliant i mean it's really it's it's i said this to you too many times but you're so smart and such a great performer and so likable and so confident i mean most comics don't have none i mean very very small amount of comics have all of those qualities. A lot of people have some, they're a good performer but their material sucks or they have great material, they're a horrible performer.

You have all of it, you have all of it because also you're so likable which is rare and you just, I never watch anyone. I can't bear to watch comedy. I literally, if I'm at a club, I go down right where my set is and I leave the second to watch comedy. I literally if I'm on like at the club I go down I go down right when my set is and I leave the second I'm off I can't I just can't watch it, but I watched you every time I walked up because he was on right before me so I walked on up before like right when you were going on to watch you because

you're so smart and just You are you're so special and everyone says it you really are Clip it clip that it's another clip going that means a lot coming from you You know we should just put on a strap on because we're sucking each other's dicks right now You are you really you're great That means a lot coming from you. You're one of the funniest comedians in the country. It's so nice that this is happening.

You got to follow her on TikTok. You got to follow her on the gram. What's the next move with the pod? What are you going to do? I'm starting my own podcast soon, and it'll be out soon. It's probably just going to be called The Jessica Kirshen Show. That's the way to do it. Very basic because I want to do interviews.

I want to put some character stuff in it and do it on my own like you're doing it. I've been working with some companies and I'm just going to do my own thing. And working on a crowd work special that I'm going to probably put out myself like you did. But I have a bunch of stuff going on and again like my tick tock has been going great putting up crowd work clips a lot and and yeah just follow me and it's everything's going great

yeah you know i think you have it's a similar challenge that i've had in the past and i i this is going to come off wrong but but it's kind of true. When you can do a lot of things, it's like you do characters, you do stand-up. It's like, what do I focus? It can be a little challenging, because I've had that issue. What should I do?

I did the podcast with the characters, and that kind of work kind of didn't like. Sometimes it's just you just got to find that right thing. Well, I want to do something like this. I just like talking to people and I think this is the best thing. And you can incorporate all those things. Exactly. Yeah.

It's a yes. Sometimes people can do one thing really good and that's a little easier because they just focus in on that one thing. And that's not a knock on them because they're very good at that one thing. And that's not a knock on them because they're very good at that one thing. But there's sometimes people like you who can do a lot of different things. And you're like, which one do I do?

Right. What do I do? I can do that. It's hard for us being so talented. And also, I'm touring. So go to JessicaCurson.com. I have a ton of tour dates coming up You have to see her live

That's the real That's where it's really You know You want to go watch a great comic Comedy's the best live Yeah No matter which way you slice it Very true

That's the special thing So go follow her If she's in your town Go check it out Can't wait for that podcast to come out Go follow her on TikTok Thanks for taking the drive down on the LIE. Yes.

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She did, yeah. She's not a Jew, but she grew up with all Jews. She actually went to, I think she almost had a, I think grew up with all Jews She actually went to I think she almost had I think she had a bat mitzvah I think in Long Island That's like part of the deal Really? Yeah

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