Yannis Pappas Hour - Situation not Problem w/ Andrew Santino

Episode Date: June 25, 2023

The hilarious and talented Cheeto Santino stops by to talk his new movie with John Cena & Zac Efron & Jermaine Fowler. Also, the time he had a breakdown in Australia and other hijinx. Yannis Pappas Hour is your new favorite podcast  Comedian Yannis Pappas wants to bring us all together by ripping everyone apart. No sacred cows, no partisanship, no mercy. Yannis Pappas identifies as a certified historian, P.R. Rep, social scientist, journalist and gender dysphoria expert. Join us every week to learn the future, analyze the past and defend the un-defendable. See Yanni do stand up, live  Dates & Cities below All tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.com Boston July 8 Poughkeepsie, July 21-22 Long Island Aug 17 Salt Lake City aug 4-5 Dallas Aug 24-26 Springfield l, MO sept 7-9 Calgary Sept 22–23 FORTË Wayne, Indiana Sept 29-30 Red Bank, NJ Oct 14 San Fran Oct 27-28 New York Nov 4 Providence Nov 10-11 Phoenix Nov 16-18 Spokane Dec 1-2 Tulsa Dec 8-9 Louisville Dec 15-16 Toronto March 23 Watch Yanni’s stand up special: https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQ Join our highlights page for highlight clips from the episodes: https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykw New episodes every Sunday and new bonus episodes every Wednesday at https://www.patreon.com/yannispappashour?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator

What's up, everybody? Welcome to an all-new Giannis Pappas Hour. Before we start this episode with guest Andrew Santino from the Bad Friends podcast, Whiskey Ginger, and a bunch of movies and stuff, I would like to tell you about my dates, where you can see me live and you can go out and have an enjoying evening. This weekend, you missed it. June 24th, I was at Soul Joe's, so there you have it. Boston, Massachusetts, July 8th at the Wilbur Theater. Limited amount of tickets left. Poughkeepsie, July 21st and 22nd. I laugh it up. Jordan Landing, Utah. Wise guys, August 4th and 5th. The Paramount Theater in Huntington, Long Island, August 17th. Tickets gone fast.

Plano, Texas, which is Dallas, Texas, August 24th through the 26th. Springfield, Missouri, September 7th and 9th. Calgary, Alberta. How do you like them apples? September 22nd, 23rd. Fort Wayne, Indiana, September 29th, 30th. Red Bank, New Jersey at the Vogel, October 14th. San Francisco at Cobbs, October 27th and 28th.

San Fran, New York City, November 4th. Providence, November 10th and 11th. Phoenix, November 16th, 17th. Spokane, December 1st and 2nd. Tulsa, November 10th and 11th, Phoenix, November 16th, 17th, Spokane, December 1st and 2nd, Tulsa, December 8th and 9th, Louis, December 15th and 16th, Louisville, and the Royal Theatre in Toronto, March 23rd. That's been rescheduled, so March 23rd, Toronto,

the Royal Theatre, patreon.com slash janispapasour. These main episodes are an advertisement for our Patreon, which is where we really get loose and have fun. Please join, support the show, tell friends about it. We really appreciate you. Now enjoy this wonderful, wonderful episode. What's up, everybody? Welcome to the brand new, all new Giannis Papasauro.

That's what I like to say because I'm rebranding it. It's totally different, and I just want to convince people that the lower numbers are just because we just started. Formerly known as Long Days Now, Yanis Papasau. I'm sitting here with one of the kindest,

funniest, most talented comedians on the planet. Mike Albanese. Mike Albanese, everybody. Mike Albanese and an up-and-comer who's got some good things going.

Potentially could make it in this business. We'll see. It's Andrew Santimonious. Saying? Santimonious. Santino. Andrew Santimonious. Andrew Santino.

Andrew Santimonious. De Santimonious. I know historically our people don't like each other. Historically we don't. But you're people being everybody but Greeks. Yeah. Really, yeah. Nobody likes you guys.

That's right. Because of the tyranny and the history and the pain and bathhouses. I mean, everything really that you've done is awful. Yeah, well, we created Western Civ, and that's a patriarchy. That's what they say. And that's the bad, you know. That's what they say. So you and all the rest of the communists do hate us.

I love the way you switched this table. Now it feels like a police interrogation. Tell me where you were. Yeah, there's no way for me not to feel like good cop, bad cop here. I never been to Harlem. Yeah. Really? No, never, never.

So you're in New York. I'm in New York, visit. Which is a great time for New York to have you. It's so nice here. Thanks for coming. My pleasure, man. I'm on my way to Toronto, Canada. Me and Robert E. Lee are doing a bunch of bad friend shows and uh i said we should go to new

york for a minute instead of heading back out we had days to kill yeah and i said who do i want to see who do i want to eat buffalo cauliflower with yeah yan pop and we were having heart-to-heart at lunch and you told me a little bit about your life and then you asked me what my height was which i thought was interesting for a third date. To be like, what's your height is? Because online you lied. I did lie. Yeah, you lied online.

I lied to you. You catfished me. I told you it was six foot, but I said, let me be honest. I'm 5'11 and three quarters. Yeah. I said, I didn't want to sit here. You're giving me a heart to heart. You're spilling your heart.

And then I lied to you. I couldn't do that to your face. So I gave you the truth. Now you're one of a few people that know I'm 5'11 and 3 quarters, not 6, but when I got Air Max on, closer to 6'1. I did see that when you walked out the door. You were almost as tall as me, and I thought that's probably because of the Air Maxes. It is. Do you have inserts?

I don't have inserts, but I think it's funny that there are guys out there that have inserts. Yeah, they do. And we don't know about it. You know what the number one shoe for inserts for guys? What? You got them on your feet right now, buddy. Air Max. Air Max. is that right yeah because they're already tall so it's it's less yeah the butt difference bobby kelly uh i know wears inserts i know he wears it for a fact he's shorter he always he keeps drinking he yeah

he always surprised me how short he really is because he's got like a big guy presence a big guy face what do you mean he's a big head he just looks like he's a tough Boston guy oh yeah and then you stand next to him and you're like I could throw this guy into a fucking ceiling fan it's very like

confusing yeah yeah he's a but he's a sweetheart he's a little sugar bear that's the problem now you on the other hand you look like a guy

from the face that I could throw into a ceiling fan then you stand up and I'm like this is a big athletic guy he likes a whiskey a lunatic

yeah and he's a mean drunk he's a mean drunk I He's a mean drunk. I opened my heart to you about addiction and my family and you telling me the truth about your height means a lot to me. That's what I mean. And then when we broke down on the walk,

it was kind of nice when you said, not a drinking problem, but a situation. It was a situation, yeah, you have a situation. Cause I like it so much. You can tell the difference between a problem and a situation. Cause I don't like to... Well, here's the deal, situations tend to turn into problems yeah they don't sometimes they don't

go the other way so if you don't if you don't jekyll and hyde right i don't change when i like to drink i just enjoy to go out and have drinks with people yeah but i don't shift i don't shape shift into another person that's when it becomes a problem when people get drunk and then they become another human being right And then you're like, this guy, he's a terrorist when he gets drunk. That's the sign of alcoholism when the personality changes, right? Yeah, I just tip more.

I tip more and I'm disrespectful of time and space. I'm just having fun. Well, that's you when you're sober too. So you're still good. Yeah. God bless. And still like racist, hate Jews, misogyny. If that's still the same, there's no problem. It's a situation.

I gave you my bio for a reason. I wanted that out up top. You don't have to put it in the middle. Put that up at the top. Yeah. Because I've been with you sober. I've been with you drunk. And it's the same kind of hatred comes out.

So I'm like, all right, this is not a problem. I'm like, this guy's good. But, you know, I think it's hard being a redheaded Chinese guy in this kind of day and age. The way that they look at us is different. The way they feel about us, the way they talk about us. The amount of bigotry I faced in the course of my life being half Chinese and half Irish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing is, when the COVID happened, it made it harder.

Big time. It made it harder for Chinese guys like you. Big time. They would blame me, Chinese guys like you. Big time. They would blame me and that's not my fault. Yeah. Yeah. And plus, I mean, I know you've personally, the drinking is one thing. I know some of the drinking you do is to mask sort of, hey, you and Ellie Wong, she got

all the stuff. You heard. You did it. You've been around for longer, but they gave it to her and you were like, what about this Chinese guy? It's funny because people think, people do think that I'm i was married to ali wong for a while we were dating yeah for about seven or eight years and she would never ask she never asked me to get married and i wanted to get married no she's kind of like the dude in the relationship and she was i know her well i was

the bottom so when she shifted on to greener pastors i respected that yeah yeah yeah i really did the internet will run with this by the way yeah no they will no they say i married ali wong or he dated ali w Wong for seven years. Yeah. I mean, it was not a Western marriage. It was a Buddhist Eastern marriage, because it's more of a Chinese thing. It is. Yeah.

It is. After this, I'm going to Bernie Sanders' house. I got a meeting with that guy. You're going with Bernie? Yeah. Yeah. I've been hanging out with him. Yeah, tell me about that.

You guys have become close. Really, really close. It's a really strange relationship. Yeah. How did that hanging out with him. Yeah. Tell me about that. He's been, you guys have been come close. It's a really, really close, really strange relationship. Like how did that happen? I clean up after him. Yeah. I mean, I know I get the communist connection, but other than that, but that's how it started. Yeah. And I said, you know, I, you know, he's, I jokingly said something to him at a party

with a bunch of friends that, you know, how, you know, socialism. And he said, no, no, no. It's just not ism. Right. Oh shit. And then I learned we're Istis. And he said, you're in it. You want to be an Isti. So I, you know, I move out there. I live with him half of the year. That's incredible. Yeah. One of our six properties that we own. It's good. And you're also on a big, uh, charity tour charity for Yanis Pappas' new baby with

another Chinese guy. Um, Robert E. Lee. yeah. We're donating all the money from the Bad Friends tour to Giannis' new baby. So please come out to the shows. All the ticket proceeds are going to go to Giannis' child's health and life and future. So if you're buying a ticket, you know you're helping out that kid. And I appreciate that you guys do that. I mean, it's like

people say Asian guys, all they do is you know, they're unemotional. All they do is squat down and eat lunch out of styrofoam containers. And smoke. And smoke while they do it. And I say sometimes they do charity shows for people's children and redistribute wealth because of Mao. You know there's a McDonald's across the street from the statue of Mao. You know that, right?

Is there? McDonald's. You can look it up on Google Maps. There's McDonald's. I mean, that's the fucking yin and yang stuff. Literally. They have a yin and yang burger. They, that's the fucking yin and yang stuff. Literally. They have a yin and yang burger. They do.

They have a yin and yang burger. That's what it's called. It's not like a Royale with cheese. It's a yin and yang. It's a yin and yang burger. That's their Big Mac, yin and yang. And General Tso's chicken over there is just General Johnson. No, he's not a general over there.

He's just Tso. He's just Tso. Yeah, Mark Tso. That's his name. Ah. Do you think they struggle with American names the way we struggle with Chinese names? 100%. So if you go over there and you're like, my name is Andrew's his name. Ah. Do you think they struggle with American names, the way we struggle with Chinese names? 100%. So if you go over there and you're like, my name is Andrew Santino, they go,

Andrew Santino. And they make fun of us the way we do them. Yeah, they go, my name is Andrew Santino. Andrew Santino. But they also struggle with, phonetically, they go like, because they're so used to so. Andrew Santino. I mean, let's be honest, their fucking names, when you look at them on a board, like written down, they look like jigsaw puzzles.

It looks like, what are you doing? Are you playing charades with fucking pictures? They are. Yeah. But it would be nice to be named after a photo. It would be nice if our names were pictures. In what way? If your name was a photo in America, what photo would you be?

My name was a photo. If you were a picture, instead of a word, if your name was a picture. Oh, what would I be? Yeah. That's a fucking good question. I think it's a kettle. I think it would be a big black kettle. Two guys.

Two guys. Oh, wow. From the back on a hill. Sunset volcano in tow. Right. Just hands close. Hands close but not touching. Making you wonder.

Ooh. Front behind. Beautiful sunset in front. Santorini volcano. Love. And you figure it out. I like that. It's sort of like the Mona Lisa of, are you gay? Right, right, right. It's like, it's gay

but it's not both. No, it is. It's dualistic. But it is. What would yours be? Whiskey, hitting women. Mine would be a mine would be a bottle. You know, have you ever seen these videos online where they put sand or liquid in a bottle and they roll them down steps to see if they'll break? I'm the bottle right before it hits the step.

That's exactly what I am. I like that. Right before it hits. It's like the mid-air flip turnover of the bottle filled with sand. And what are you, big guy? If you were a picture, what the fuck would you be? You 6'5", big fucking hunking chunk of meat. If I'm being honest, it's probably just a plate of nachos. I was going to say prime rib.

I think you'd be prime rib. Prime rib, some sort of big plate of food. But you know why prime rib to me? Because it's delicious. You're delicious, but there is a little bit too much fat on them always.

Yeah. A little bit. That's the thing. And that's not a shot at you. But that is why I'd be a prime rib. Because it's delicious, but you're like, this is not good for me all the time.

I can only have this sometimes. But when people look at me, they go, oh, look at this guy. A little too much fat. No, no. Just slightly but you're like, this is not good for me all the time. I can only have this sometimes. But when people look at me, they go, oh, look at this guy. He's a little too much fat. No, no. Just slightly. They're like, does he have four titties? What's happening? When you're 6'5", you can get bigger and it looks okay.

What do you weigh now? 2'4", 5"? Keep going, buddy. 2'6", 8"? 2'82"? 3'07". You're not over 300. 307 pounds.

We saw him when we fucking walked up. That's without my air maxes on. Or my lifts. Then you're 345. He's 345, he's 6'5". Bobby Kelly was like 400 and he's 4'9". I never understood the math on that. I said 307, not 345.

You just gave me 40 pounds. I already have a lot. I was eyeballing it. Yeah, take it back. You were talking about your weight at lunch. You were gave me 40 pounds. Yeah, that was mean. Take it back. I already have a lot, so. I was eyeballing it. Yeah, take it back. You were talking about your weight at lunch. You were talking about your weight fluctuating at lunch. 215 to 225, it's sad. Does your wife ever comment about it?

No, she doesn't care, and that's the problem. Yeah, she should. You know, if women were a little more superficial about stuff, maybe we'd fucking live longer. That's right. You know, they get mad at us for being super superficial, like, oh, we're just checking out their bodies. But yeah, guess what? That's why they fucking live 10 years longer because of the pressure to keep that ass tight

lower amounts of suicide that's it yeah lower amounts of depression in women that's it they have all that because you know they're not superficial

and because we keep them we keep them you know we're like a drill sergeant we keep them in shape you yell at your wife a lot discipline yeah clean it up

you gotta clean it up you gotta I can't fuck this mess right you had a baby three days ago big deal

stitch it up big deal and hit the gym close it up and You got it. I can't fuck this mess. Right. You had a baby three days ago? Big deal. Stitch it up. Big deal. And hit the gym. Close it up and get back to work, pal. I mean, we drop dead fucking 55, 60 heart attacks. That's because they don't care what we look like. What runs in your family?

What runs in my gay-a-tree? I got a gay brother. Well, you made it out alive so far. I got one gay brother. I got another brother who's a string aficionado. No. No. Yeah, he is. The politically correct got another brother who's a string aficionado. No. No. Yeah, he is. The politically correct way to refer to that is string aficionado. String aficionado. String aficionado.

He's a fan of strings. I don't know if we can keep this in, but he is my brother. Yeah. So I can make that joke, I believe. Maybe. I thought you were going to say your brother's a cat. No, no. He loves cats. He loves cats, though. Go get him started on trains i he just had a friend who was such a fucking fan of the string that he had and um he had a friend at the school

who was just like he would just play with the string he loved the string a string a string just like a like a piece of shoelace man oh man but not even a shoelace it wasn't even that dressed up just a string it was like a little tiny rope and he was loving it and so um we'll never know that happiness that i i know that population is happy i know we are not so you're happy though aren't you a little bit yeah and that's a you know here's the thing with happiness comes more sadness because yeah which is the that's the yin and yang of life yeah see because when you're um when you're just dealing with your demons, you're drinking them or on the go or whatever you do, you're not feeling the sadness because you're in survival mode. So how do you feel?

How do you get through the sadness and then stay happy? When you get the good, when you get to the good, then you realize all the sad and you're like, oh man, cause that means I don't want to lose it. Now I have something to lose. I have something I care about. It actually has value. Something that if it was gone would make me more sad. And so it's just, it brings in the sadness

because you actually have something that's meaningful now in your life. So what you're saying is don't get any meaning, meaning, don't get any meaning or attach yourself to things that you care about and then you'll be fine. That's why a lot of people do that. If you think about it, that's why they do it.

So don't get married, don't fall in love, stay single, have no responsibilities. And you'll have nothing to lose. And you'll never be sad because there's nothing to lose. What do you have to lose right now other than your wife and kids? My family, my wife. Other than my wife and kids, I got a good few pairs of cool sneakers that I really... They can be gone.

So what do you really have to lose? Just your family? Just family, yeah. But you're never going to lose them? Well, I mean, you know. You'll die first for sure. For sure. I've seen her.

She's fit. Yeah. She's a lot younger than me. Yeah, you'll be out. Yeah, and that's why I got her, dude. I want to save, you know. You'll die first for sure. For sure. I've seen her. She's fit. Yeah. She's a lot younger than me. Yeah. You'll be out. Yeah. And that's where I got her, dude. I want to save, you know, like kill two birds with one stone.

And she already started to line up her next husband? Absolutely. She should. She has. Yeah. I know she's going to have a whole second half of life that I'm not going to be a part of, but that's fine with me. You're going to be able to see it from the afterlife.

That's fine with me, dude. Yeah. She's a, you know, I recruited her straight out of high school. I built my franchise. I did what I had to do. I rebuilt it. She's a good me. You're going to be able to see it from the afterlife. That's fine with me, dude. I recruited her straight out of high school. I built my franchise. I did what I had to do. I rebuilt it. She's a good draft pick. Yeah, I was with a girl who was my age.

It didn't work out. We rebuilt. You rebuilt. You've got to be the general manager of your life. How old are you now? Forty-six? Well, I can't lie to you because you were 47. Yeah, I told you about the height.

Are you 47? Yeah. Sometimes I tell people 46. I take one year back because my mother did because she was a sociopath. You don't look 46. I look fucking good. It's the Greek genes. Yeah, your face is nice.

It's the Greek genes. How old are you, Mike? 39. Yeah, we're the same age. You guys are the same. When do you turn 40? January. October's coming for me.

October's coming fast. 40 doesn't mean anything to me, though. I'm happy. I'm turning 47. Listen, it's great.. 40 doesn't mean anything to me, though. I'm happy. I'm turning 47. It's a, listen, it's great. The 40s are great. You're going to have a great 40s. You're done with them. You already went through them. You're burned right now. I'm at the end, man. I'm really

like, I'm towards the end. I'm excited for 40. 40, I feel like you've leveled out all your friendships make sense. My dad used to say that. He said, the 20s are the hardest, but they're so much fun. The 30s are confusing because You're losing friends. You're making new ones people are solidifying in their jobs Everyone's kind of figuring themself out a little bit. So 30s are really kind of like if you're panning for gold

It's like shaking all the shit out. So it's kind of a stinky time It's like usually love and breakups and marriage and divorce and all that 30s happens and he said once you get to 40s It's kind of like you're home free, You know yourself better than you've ever known yourself. You're probably not going to change that much more. You're kind of settled in the ways. You usually are figuring out what you want to do financially for a living. He's like, all that stuff kind of levels out. And then you're good.

That's who you are now kind of forever. My grandmother used to say she felt like she was like 36 or something like that for the rest of her life. Like she said, at some point she feels like she never grew up after that. Yeah. Like you hit an age in 36 for a woman. It's like 60 in Hollywood. So mature.

Yeah. And in Hollywood. In Hollywood, you can't work after 30. You can't work after 30. If you're a woman and you're working after 30, you know Weinstein. You know what I mean? That's it. There's no way you got away with it otherwise.

Yeah. No. And nature's just, it's unfair in that way. Well, I think. And women want to be with older guys. It's just unfair. Well, no, it's, it's nature's just, it's unfair in that way. Well, I think. And women want to be with older guys. It's just unfair. Well, here's the deal. If you ever were, when you ever work in TV and they put on makeup on your face and usually

nowadays, especially in TV and movies, they don't put a lot of makeup on guys anymore, but they used to put a lot of makeup on, you know, like in the, like James Cagney days and all that stuff. Like they would cake up these guys, obviously because the light was harsh and it was, the film wasn't, you know, film didn't look the way it looks now what we what we can physically see so they could mask you and kind of make you look the same age for a long time and now when i get makeup put on and then we take it off even the slightest amount makes me feel mentally uh uglier with makeup on which is strange because i'm like i don't like i look like a different person right with makeup on, which is strange. Cause I'm like, I don't like, I look like a different person with makeup on. It looks like a fake person. So then I feel like that must have some

sort of mental effect on women changing from feeling beautiful, adding makeup. And then sometimes they feel uglier with it because they know what they really look like. So it's a mental game. So every day you're putting yourself to this weird mental game of like looking like a person that's not really you yeah and then sometimes you end up hating the original and then sometimes you end up hating the fake version yeah it's this delicate balance of who who am i really with all this stuff on my face yeah it's really weird man it psychologically messes with you when you put on makeup because you have a makeup artist will put makeup on you and they'll go oh that's damn that's too red and then you'll start going oh i

guess i guess i have a shitty face I guess I didn't know I had a shitty face no you know but this is ugly and that's ugly and your neck looks weird down here

and then you're like I don't want to deal don't ever tell me again I'm fine looking older I used to hide from the makeup girl when I was doing a live show

and so I would hide because I knew that if I showed up quicker then they wouldn't do I hated makeup I used to burn my eyes you know when they go close to yours? It burns your eyes, I don't like it, I don't like it at all.

And they put it down and they go, look up. And you're crying and wincing. And then it like burns your eyes and then I would leave it on, fall asleep, it'd be on my pillow, I just would hide. I hated it. It was the thing I would just hide and then I would show up and then they'd try to do it quick

and it was like a game we did, but you know, I was the comedian on the show so they were like, it was fun. You didn't need to put makeup on though. No, I'm handsome. I'm handsome. Really, truly. I'm handsome. And that beard covers up three quarters of that face anyway.

With less face, I'm great. And that's what the beard's for. If that thing was gone, man. I'd look bad. I don't know we'd be friends. Yeah, the thing is when I get a little fat or two is my face, I put it on here. Yeah. But dude, when I'm about 203, I got a sharp jawline and my eyes do separate because my

face comes in. So what happens is when my face gets bigger, it pushes my eyes in. Sort of like when you get fat here, it pushes your dick smaller. Right. Because it takes up the meat. Same thing happens with my face,

and that's what pulls my eyes closer together. Does your dick get smaller when you... I know that it does. Why? Because it disappears over the horizon of my stomach. You can't see your dick sometimes? Sometimes I can't. Bad boy.

Yeah. That's crazy. You always say those things. That's crazy sad. Okay, like, I remember we had that thing where you said you make a girl come every time and also now you're telling me there's been time. You, if you got fat, have you ever been fat? No.

No. No, I've been, I've been like out of shape. See, that's, you don't know the struggle. Yeah, but here's why. Because. You got good genes and you're throwing it all away with booze. I'm lucky that I got good genes and I am tossing it away in the trash with booze. You got fucking good genes.

But what am I supposed to do? If I don't drink, if I give up drinking, I've thought about that. Like say if I just stop. If I just stop drinking. It's a social pleasure that I actually love that isn't like I need it to socialize. Don't. But I do enjoy it. So it's almost like I'm giving up something that for no reason a little bit kind of.

I don't know. It's like chewing gum. Well, what have you ever thought about? Maybe. It's like I don't up something that for no reason, a little bit, kind of, I don't know. It's like a, it's like chewing gum. Well, what have you ever thought about? Maybe I don't need it, but I like it. Yeah. And it gives you, it does do something for you, but it gives you a rush. It makes you feel good. But have you ever thought about maybe putting on a mask late at night, masquerading as somebody

else and punching homeless people? Cause that I hear also feels good. Are you encouraging me to do something? this while I'm in New York? I'm just asking if you've considered it. It's not bad for your liver, and it gives you the same rush. Okay. You know, it's called the Jason Bateman. But I hear they're...

Nero did it too. Did you know Nero, the emperor of Rome, this is how wild he was, he would put on a mask with a bunch of his fucking dirtbag friends because he didn't want to get recognized because he's the emperor of Rome, and he would go around and he would beat on a mask with a bunch of his like fucking dirtbag friends because he didn't want to get recognized because he's the emperor of Rome. And he would go around and he would beat up street people. I guarantee you they were also drunk.

Yeah, they were. Of course. I mean, everyone was drunk forever. They didn't have like drugs back then. It was just drunk. They were just drunk. But people were drunk for the majority of history, by the way. They were, yeah.

Many people drank alcohol before they drank water because it was safer. You ever think about this, though? What did crazy people who were paranoid do before the FBI? Who was watching them? Their friends and neighbors. Yeah, that's what it's got to be. I saw a woman online turn on her neighbor. It was so wild.

You could tell how high she was. And she seemed well-to-do. She looked like she had put herself together. It's weird to see people that are... How do I say that? They're like proper drug addicts. They're really fucked up but they look like they put their life together you know it's okay when you see someone looks to shovel the tie it makes sense the math adds up

but she was like well dressed and everything and was laced out of her mind and she was like you stole the documents from our apartment I know what you did you know Michael Zonatoff and she's like spouting out chaos and you're like this is such a weird level of drug addict where she's fully high functioning and looks good she looks like she has it together yeah it's great that's a really trickery place to be because

then the cops come and she can just say she's having a manic episode yeah she's not lit up on drug but meanwhile when you go down to philly and you're in kensington ave and they're trying to touch their toes with their nose and trying to not fall over it makes sense you're like they look like this guy looks like shit he's fentanyl's got him yeah which by the way looks good i hate to say that but fentanyl looks so good you mean just i mean it looks the effects of it it looks amazing gotta be great gotta be amazing it's gotta be amazing the way that it treats these people it must be incredible it has to be really good like that scene in pulp fiction when Travolta does heroin. Yeah.

And he's like in the car and the lights. Oh, man. Yeah. It's so fucked up that a piece of me is like, I kind of want to try. Well, you know it's got to be good because you see what it does to them physically and what it does to their life and they're still going for it. Don't care. They're still going for it like a dream. See, we don't have as much. It's like an open mic or still hitting the stage.

You're like, it's not going to happen. They're like, but it feels so good. See, we don't have as much. It's like an open mic or still hitting the stage. You're like, it's not going to happen. They're like, but it feels so good. So good, yeah. We don't have that in LA anymore. We don't have really a lot of like

mainlining needles anymore. Now that there's needles everywhere, it's because they're stabbing you with booster shots on the streets. They'll come right up to you and they'll boost you without you knowing.

They have it and they stick you with it and then you got to keep walking away. You'll be, you get boosted and you don't even know it in LA. They really, they won't stop boosting. I'm on and they stick you with it. Yeah. And you got to keep walking away. You'll be, you get boosted and you don't even know it in LA. They really, they won't stop boosting.

I'm on my 18th booster right now. Listen, man, I trust, I'll keep getting boosters. You see, that's so funny that everyone's mad like the Joe Rogan controversy

about all this. Yeah, well, that's why I wanted to ask you. So funny, man. I want an official statement from you. Oh yeah, give me a statement about it.

Yeah, I want you to statement about it. So like, who are you team? I'm worried about RFK's voice though. That was the hardest thing to hear. It sounds scary. Like a scared granny. Yeah, I want you to statement about it. So like, who are you? I'm worried about RFK's voice, though. That was the hardest thing to hear. It sounds scary. Like a scared granny.

Yeah. Like a couple of teenagers just broken in the house and the grandmother's just on the couch and they're asking. What are you boys been doing? She's just trying to tell them where things are. Yeah, but she's scared at the same time. I don't know what's going on. Get me a cup of Sanka coffee and I'll explain everything to you.

He's in the drawer over there. The Hungarian Soviet Union. Yeah, she goes into a big history lesson. What are you boys, Albanian? No, I always make robbers in my hypothetical Albanian. Albanian, yeah, you do. Because it's just the politically correct thing to do. It's where you grew up, though.

I avoid all other ethnicities. No Chinese, no... From the Southern America. Got it. No... And I won't even mention other ones. Yeah, don't even. Just go Albania. Go Albania. Albania, yeah.

That's like one of the movies, the only enemy that film could even still put in. Russians. Russians, they're all Russian. Yeah, they're all Russian. Yeah. Blanketed. I don't even think you can do Muslim anymore. It used to be for a while they were all Muslim terrorists.

I think you still can sneak it in there now. Can you do a Somali pirate? They have to be Russian Muslim. They got to be Russian Muslims. Right, right. Yeah. Now you sneak it in there now. Can you do a Somali pirate? They have to be Russian Muslim. They gotta be Russian Muslims. Right, right. Yeah. Now, you're in the movies now. Nah, not really.

Thank you for deigning to do this. This brand new podcast I just started. Yeah, it's huge. It's huge. It's huge. And you're in a fucking movie, dog. You're in a big movie. I'm in a big movie.

You started the movie. You're not like, you're not in the background. You're not like a security guard. You're like, you got lines. You've been doing a lot of acting. I'm trying we'll hope the movie's good i don't know it comes out and i did this movie with cena and zach efron and uh you gotta say that you gotta say that that way that was yeah i didn't see well let's just i don't know you know i it's not they're in it's their movie i'm just a guy in the movie those guys are famous and they know who you are you've done well

yeah they're all right look done well for a. They're nice guys and the movie was fun and then I hope it's good. There's no other explanation to film and television. No one ever knows why or most of the time you know, you're throwing a dart. You're like, man, I hope it hits. Who knows? I mean that. I know you have to be passive about it because I couldn't

sit here and be like, it was amazing. Some of the scenes were so funny to me. I just don't know. You never know what it looks like when it's done. But you're a guy who, you know, I love you to death. And you're a guy, I think, who knows what's important in life. Did you have a good time filming the movie? You know, I did. So it doesn't matter what happens.

No, I know. That's true. As long as you and John were like having games like this and having fun off set. Yeah. And my family came out, which was nice. I got my parents down there and the old wifey down there. Your dad's a big John Cena fan. Huge. Huge.

Are you making a comment about his mental state? Yeah. I don't know where I went. We'll come back to it. My mom and dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is John Cena okay? Yeah, I'm teasing. I don't want to make fun of anybody who's got

mental problems. No, no, no. God no. Except for your brother. They're not problems. I'm teasing. I don't want to make fun of anybody who's got mental problems. No, no, no. God, no. Except for your brother. Well, they're not problems. They're fixed. Now, we know what to do. Yeah, we shot him out back behind the barn. Okay, stop.

No, Australia was phenomenal to go film down there. And also, it just, you know, honestly, like, there was a couple of moments that woke me up of like, I can't believe this is my life that I get to do this. Like, I cannot believe I get to do this. I mean, it was a little, you know, surreal. And then it flew by, even though it was two and a half months or whatever. And you do have to view it like that, right? Like, I love the time.

I hope it's good. If it's not, it's okay. I still had a fun time. You're taking shots. Movies are impossible. Comedy movies particularly are impossible. Do you care if it does well or not? Well, here's what's really ironic about that.

It doesn't benefit me anymore. So like, I mean, it does in a social setting, right? In terms of like my career, I want to work in more comedy, film, and television because I really enjoy it. And that would help you propel forward. But financially, no. I mean, you get a baby little check these days. The money goes to the big dogs. You make almost no money.

And then, you know, if the movie crushes, I don't get any more money. It doesn't matter. So I want it to do well culturally. Yes, I want people to go, that was funny. You were good at it. It was funny. I liked it. Or even if they hate the movie, they go, oh, I like some of your scenes.

Your scenes were good. That's kind of where I'm at. I know that's a little selfish, but that's the truth. It's like if it gets, you know, it might not even make it to the theaters. Amazon's deciding whether they're going to put it in the theaters or going to keep online because of what's going on in our business right now. It's crazy. I wonder though, like is.

It's definitely, it's a theater film without a doubt. Go see it in the theaters. If it's there, no. If it gets to the theaters, they might pull it out. They don't know. That's crazy that there would be a movie with you three guys and they wouldn't put it in the theater. But I guess now people don't go to the movies, right? Not as much as they used to.

And also, no one cares. Nobody gives a shit. They'll buy it from their house. Everyone has a home theater. Remember when a flat screen was like $80,000? Now they're like $75 at Whole Foods. I mean, it's like anybody can get a nice TV now. And people want

to sit on their couch i think movie experience is better i like going to the theater right i enjoy what me and my wife going i get like in popcorn and hanging out and sneaking into a little theater late at night i like i really like the world i don't know what it is i enjoy being in this room feeling the energy of this of the movie yeah and i think a lot of people don't, but I hope we get back into the theater and then, you know, hopefully it's good. You know, they tested it. They just tested it four to five different times. And how did it do?

They tested it really well, but who knows what that even means. And what's the demographic they tested it for? You know, Pete Fairley did it. You know who that is? That's incredible. Yeah, Pete Fairley did it, which was great. I mean, that's incredible. It was like the reason I did it. the guy. That's incredible. Yeah. Pete Farrelly did it, which was great. I mean, that was. I mean, that's incredible.

It was like the reason I did it. I mean, that's incredible. Yeah. I mean, you also did it because it was a movie and they wanted you to do it. No, no. Pete was the reason I did the movie. Oh, you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't him? Well, I mean, if you want the inside baseball.

That would be ball. I mean, that would be what if you just turned it down. You go, I only do movies that Pete Farrelly does. Well, what happened to the truth really is, I'll give you the long story. It's boring, but it's not funny, but it's true. We'll spice it up. I read all right, so I Was down in Puerto Rico doing coke with this girl that I was seeing okay? No, I got a script sent to me on the island Yeah, and after I slipped the Frodo one of my enemies. I read this script I

Got the script ten years ago from a friend of a friend before I was even before I was even considered in the business to Get scripts so I got it from a kid who was working in production It's like you would love this script. I read the story was one of the best scripts I'd ever read and I mean that like genuinely I was like this is so funny It's it was so funny, and I can give you the overarching story is these guys these three best friends. They You know they've used an alibi their whole life to lie their girlfriends and parents and wives and moms and dads to get out of stuff. And now the time has come for them to, you know, the families are like, we want to meet this guy, this alibi. You keep saying like, you're going to Tahoe after his, his children's event. And you're going to a charity event in the Bahamas when really they've

been using this as a scapegoat to go have fun their whole lives, these three best friends. And so now the time is up. They need to show who, you know, who the alibi is. And so they hire a lunatic to play their alibi. And the rest is chaos. Hilarity ensues. It's a great, yeah. So they hire a lunatic to like masquerade

as one of their best friends. And, you know, he- Who plays that? Cena. Cena's that guy. Yeah, it's me, Jermaine Fowler, and Zac Efron. Good old Jermaine Fowler.

Yeah, me, Jermaine Fowler, and Efron are three best friends. Great cast. Yeah, it's great, man. And then- I love Jermaine Fowler. One of the good guys I've met in this business. We had so much fun, man. It's just a good human being.

It's nice to have another comic there, too. It helped have a comedian. You know, because, I don't know, there's something about you immediately gravitates to comedians. There is. There's a brokenness to us. Well, you just know that they know that we know that I know that we're there. You know, that we're both in the same. Yeah.

We both feel the same kind of anxieties. We're here, we're not. We're thinking about the funny thing. Right. We're trying to make this. Exactly. Yeah. We want to be self-serving, but also social pleasers and try to be as funny as we can,

but also so self-conscious. Yeah, you're so self-conscious. Comics are so like in their own stupid head. You say a joke on set and you're like, is everyone going to be mad at that? That made fun of Polish guys for 20 minutes? Are people going to be mad at it? But it's just, whatever.

But anyway, yeah, so they sent me the movie. I made a joke about Polish guys for 20 minutes. Polish guys, should I not say that? This guy just went on a fucking Polish guy tirade. Santino's on set. Who changed these lights? A Polish guy? He keeps going back to it.

20 minutes on Polish guys. No, but I read it. I loved it. And then years later, I met with Pete. I asked Pete Fairley. I asked my agent if I could meet with him. This is a true story. This is crazy.

I asked if I could meet with him. And every friend I've had over the years, I've sent them the script. I go, you have to read the script. It's so funny. And I have no business like sending scripts. I couldn't get anything. I just loved it. So I sent it to friends for fun. And I said, can I take read the script. It's so funny. And I have no business like sending scripts. I couldn't get anything. I just loved it.

So I sent it to friends for fun. And I said, can I take a meeting with Pete Fairley? And Pete had maybe heard of me through the fringe of comedy world years ago. And he said, yes, he took a meeting. And I was like, I would slit a throat to be one of those friends in that movie. And he was like, we're gonna work on it together one day. We'll try, you know?

And then time had passed, time has passed, time has passed, time has passed. And out of the blue, kind of, I ran into him at a charity event and larry david was there and i just done curb and larry which was a while ago which was a couple years ago yeah three years ago four years ago and then he he kind of vouched for me yeah a little bit larry was like hey he was like good to see he's like oh so funny you know and i think that like you know i don't know like helped a little bit in a weird way and then pete was like, we're going to make that movie. And I was like, yeah, right on. I hope so. You know, it had been years and years and years. It had been shelved. The original

version was written for Jim Carrey to play Ricky Stanicki, who John Cena plays, but now Jim, not interested in the project. He doesn't want to do movies anymore. He doesn't want to do anything. No, he wants to paint. He says I have enough. He wants to paint and get political. Yeah. That's his thing now. So Cena was assigned to it i'm sorry i'm skipping forward but after this charity event he's he's at the bar and he's drinking with me and he's like i'm serious we're gonna make the movie and i said okay okay you know i've heard this a million times like we can't wait to work with you and i hope to work with you and i said well you know maybe i'll get an audition and then a year goes by and another year goes you know whatever hours

we're still working on it i checked in with him one time. And then I went to Paris from here with like Schultz and a bunch of these goons for this thing that we did, this event that we- Was that the fashion comedy? Yeah, exactly. And I landed in New York and I was at the airport

and Pete, I got a phone call, you know, an out of the country phone call and it was from Pete Fairley. And he was like, I need you to come to Australia and do this movie. Because originally, they called me about auditioning for the role, from pete fairly and he was like i need you to come to australia and do this movie because originally um they called me about auditioning for the role putting myself on tape uh i kind of jumped forward but i said no i didn't want to do with the tape because the character was not me

and it genuinely wasn't right and the script had changed five seven eight drafts later right and then the character was like this kind of hippy dippy man bun holistic soul-filled uh kind of grassroots dirty fingernails guy and i i just i mean i when i was like i don't think this is me i don't even think i can do it genuinely and i called my agent and i said i tried and it was stupid every time i did it i was like i look like an idiot and i'm not funny it didn't sound funny when i said stuff in the character i found i found myself to be corny so i literally let it go as weird as that sounds i like, I don't think I can do it. I was like, it's not for me. It's definitely not for me. I think they know who they want anyway. So I said, they might as well just

give it to the guy who's the hippy dippy, cool, funny. I don't even know who that is, but it wasn't me. And then Pete called and they had casted someone else. And he told me that. He said, I just want to let you know, we casted someone else. I love you, but we can't go back to the well now. Casted? Yeah, they casted someone else. They cast someone else. Cast someone else.

They cast someone else. I'm sorry, I don't want to be that guy. No, but you did. I did do it, yeah. And then... I'm sorry about that. No, no, no, it's okay. It's all right.

I get what you needed to do. When you got an Otterbox that big on your phone, I get it. You got to be bigger than everyone else, better than everyone else. I get it. I get it. You got to be bigger than everyone else, better than everyone else. I get it. I get it. You're going to drop it that much?

So here's the deal. And I'm usually the one that says stuff like that. No, you're right. But you're right. They cast someone else. So they cast this guy. They casted this other guy. And he ended up not being able to do it, which is crazy.

Why? You killed him. I think it was a personal thing. Oh, that'd be funny. That'd be a great movie. You killed the guy for the role you wanted? That I wanted, but I didn't get, but I turned down. But I initially kind of said no in a weird way that I didn't want to put myself on tape.

So he couldn't do it? Yeah, something happened with his family. Something fell through. And then Pete called him and was like, can you be to Australia? And I said, when? He's like, in four days. So I literally had to fly back to LA

after doing another day in New York. Packed one day, kissed the lady, got on a flight and went to Australia. I mean, it was an overnight, it was a whirlwind. It was like, I had a mental breakdown on the third day

because I kind of was overwhelmed. I didn't really realize what happened. I hadn't been home before that. Because it all happened so quick. But I hadn't been home in like a month. Before that.

So I hadn't been home in like four months. So my brain was, my ticker was off. So I literally was in my hotel and I had a mental crack. Big time. Ooh, tell me about it.

It just hit me. I've had a few of those. Dude, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know, I've seen some of them. You put them up online my hotel and I had a mental crack. Big time. Tell me about it. I've had a few of those. Dude, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know, I've seen some of them. You put them up online, see? I don't do that. I just save it for myself. That's the benefit of being Irish. You fucking push it down. You push it down with every fucking booze. Pour booze on it.

That's right. I was sitting in my hotel and I was eating and I was staring at the river, the great Yarrow River out my window. And I realized that I was all alone. Like it would hit me like, I was like, I'm so alone. I'm around the world.

If something happens to someone I love, I'm nowhere near them. I'm all alone. It was the creepiest feeling I'd ever had. I was so far. The flight takes an entire day. And I was alone in my hotel room. Jermaine, who I don't really know that well, he wasn't even there yet. They were coming a day

later, two days later. I didn't meet really anybody from the cast. I'd wandered around Melbourne for two days by myself. So you just felt like a, like a, just a heavy load. Cause I was supposed to be studying and reading up for the character. Cause it was, we were about to start shooting. So it was like, you have to start like really getting into it because there's so many notes and changes. And we're, you know, three days away from starting our first scene. Yeah. And they have to do a makeup test and wardrobe.

And it's like, you're kind of like, you're like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And then you sit in your hotel room and you're like, I don't even, I don't, I don't even know how I got here. Can I tell you what happened? I think I know what happened. Uh. You're a. No. No, no.

Dad? No. No, no. Dad? No, seriously, I think what happened is you were, first of all, you were alone. So you're like, you're across the world. You haven't, you're tired. It's exhausting. You're a little burnt out.

Also you have performance anxiety. Oh my God, I got to learn all this stuff, something new. So you have a little bit of an adjustment disorder thing going on and you have a damaged childhood. And so that feeling that you have is from childhood. That happens to me. And now I know I'm like, oh, that's from there. Well, you know what it is?

I don't want to let anybody, you're afraid of letting people down. Yeah. You have this overwhelming thing. Which you do a lot. Yeah. That's why I showed up late to this podcast. I was hoping you'd cancel. I was like, let him make me let him down.

You were like, I'm still 45 minutes out. I was like, let him make me let him down. You were like, I'm still 45 minutes out. I was like, I'm still here. I go, look, dude, I'm going to land in Newark in an hour and a half. Yeah, I'm not in New York yet, but I could be there maybe in three days. I'm like, that's good. You're like, I might as well do it. But you're afraid of letting people down. That's what life is, really.

And have you let anybody down? Yeah, constantly. Constantly. Albanese. I never called him back. He called me one time and I never called him back. He told me about that, constantly. Constantly. Constantly. Albanese. I never called him back. He called me one time and I never called him back. He told me about that, yeah. He did. I tell everybody about that. I've always been a loyalist to this guy. Is that why you said, Mike Albanese who?

Yeah, that's what I said. I said, who? Who is he? Is he a baseball guy? What did I really say? I wrote my name down so that he remembers. What did I really say? You really said he goes, look, he's not a good comic, but I remember who he is.

Give him one. Give him one real one. Honestly, I'm just joking, of course. That's what we do. He did know exactly who you were. And I said, I love that guy. Yeah, we've known each other for years. He said that.

He goes, I love that guy. Like, what, 10, 12 years ago? Yeah, 12 years. Yeah, on the road. In the darkest of the road. I can see it in your fucking eyes. Well, you know what it is? I like men.

Yeah, you do. I really like men. Is that what's... When I meet a is? I like men. Yeah, you do. I really like men. Is that what's... When I meet a guy that I like... Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. I might become a real good friend. Yeah, you like guys.

I've always been a guys guy. Isn't that funny? The term guys guy does sound kind of gay. I'm a guys guy. I'm a guys guy. I'm not a girls guy. I'm a guys guy. I like hang...

I want to hang with guys. I want to sleep with guys. I mean, like, sleep over with guys. I want to be at bars with guys. I want to sleep with guys. I mean, like sleep over with guys. I want to be at bars with guys. I want to be on vacation with guys. I want to be with men. Are trans women women? Man, I don't know.

Is this Matt Walsh's podcast? Tell me what is a woman. What is a woman? Tell me what is a woman. The way he does it too. The way he's so stern. You know what I'm talking about, Matt Walsh. I know exactly who you're talking about. He's so stern about it. The way he is almost feels like that's a character. The way he does it too, the way he's so stern. You know what I'm talking about, Matt Wallace. I know exactly who you're talking about. He's so stern about it.

The way he is almost feels like that's a character. Even though I know that's who he is, but because he's so matter of fact and staunch, and I don't think I've ever seen him smile ever once, it feels like he might be doing a bit. In fact, I do feel like a piece of me would think he is

a savant if this was all kind of a bit. There's no question that that kid has taken a little peek at third gender porn. Come on. I mean, there's no question. If you're so adamant about hating the community, there's a piece that goes, what is it about it? What is it about it? A little something extra.

What is it? Are we doing something different today? It's research. Research. Yeah, research. I'm researching what I don't want in my life. I can't wait. Plus, it's a write-off.

Yeah, that's right. Because it's for work. Yeah, my internet bill is... I just want him to get caught with just a trans woman in a motel room. They both got, like, Darth Vader helmets on. Who was that that got caught with a trans woman at... They're doing a fake sword fight. Just...

Who got caught with a trans woman at a...'re doing a fake sword fight, just... Who got caught with a trans woman at a... Who was that? A few. Ronaldo. Ronaldo. Eddie Murphy. No, Eddie.

Eddie's the one. Eddie Murphy. He said I was giving her a lift. Yeah, right. He said he was giving her a lift. Yeah, he was picking her up and putting her on his dick. No, that's one of the...

She was putting him on her dick. He feels like one of those guys that would be staunch about being like, no, man, I don't fuck with that. That is nasty do you know what i mean like that's how you'd catch him yeah yeah yeah well they how you caught him but that's how that but it's almost like they wanted to be caught because when you're adamant about being like i don't like those people it's like i can't wait to see you with one soon like it's coming there's that's never not true

yeah because otherwise the anger doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense. What's that when somebody if somebody People don't even care about other people in the street. You care that much about what someone's doing? It's weird.

It's weird. Yeah, because I don't care about anybody. It's weird. On the walk up here those people are all living their lives don't care about

any of their personal business. And look, I don't want drag queens reading to my little daughter but not because I love drag queens but it's because Just because most of them are illiterate.

You heard it here first. No, because- I don't want them reading when they can't read. It's a nightclub act. It does have sexual innuendo. I don't want comedians around my kid. Yeah, that's true too. I would rather drag queens around my kid

than fucking Aaron Burr. Yeah. Who, by the way, does drag. He does drag too. Aaron. And hey, here's the deal. I do drag. I make jokes in drag. I was just going to say, you are a drag queen. He does drag, too. Aaron. And hey, here's the deal. I do drag. I make jokes in drag.

I was just going to say, you are a drag queen. But I wouldn't want drags. And Aaron would also only read Mein Kampf to his kid. That's really all he would do. That would be a big problem. You know what, guys? It's a good book. Stop shredding it apart.

It drags a little, but so does the movie Magnolia. It's starched strong, though. That scene in Succession where he asks him, he's like, have you ever read Mein Kampf? And he's like, once or twice. And he's like, once or twice. The way he responds is once or twice. Wow, okay. He goes, was there Easter eggs in there you didn't catch the first time?

That was so good. That show. I started watching it now. I got to just keep going. It's phenomenal. I've heard it's the best show ever made. It's probably... Truthfully, it's probably one of the best comedies I've ever seen, even though it's not a comedy.

It's probably one of the best comedy... Have you watched it? It's unbelievable. It's one of the best comedy televisions I've ever seen because the comedy that is in it is stunningly funny. Yeah. And it's not. Most of it's heavy-handed drama, anxiety-ridden, what will happen, what will happen, what will

happen, but the comedy moments like that are... Tom and Greg have such good moments. Unbelievable. Yeah. Unbelievable. The way he does that dance is nuts because it is real guys. Like I've met these guys, these like super, super rich, unaware. I don't know how to explain it.

They're like a different species of human. They communicate differently. They talk. It's an arrogance, like a confidence and arrogance. But it's above that too. It's just, it's their chemicals are different. Like their actual chemical makeup must be different because they don't see people like people.

It's- They're psychopaths. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah. But it's- They're unencumbered by humanity. Yeah, but they painted them perfectly on that show. Like you believe every second of those people.

That you're like, man, these are all humans that talk this way way like if you've seen it in public once you've met a very wealthy family yeah i have and i know exactly what it is yeah you're like that's so exactly how they talk now they look at us like um well like i remember when when i had a rich kid friend you know whatever i've had friends over the years growing up but you know like we grew up pretty normal like regular you know we never really had we didn't have nothing but we didn't have a ton you know, like we grew up pretty normal, like regular, you know, we never really had, we didn't have nothing, but we didn't have a ton, you know, we were, we were doing fine. And then I'd meet kids that like, would, would be like, you guys don't ever go on ski trips. And they would ask it like, what do you mean? Doesn't everybody go on a ski trip in the winter? Right. And you're like, the passiveness of that means that that wealth has been there

since the beginning of time. Right. Like, of course people do these things. And then you start to realize when they speak to you and your family did what? We never took it. We went to Wisconsin. All inclusive Cancun. No, we're not. Are you kidding me? We could never get a Cancun.

Holy shit. No, we'd go to Wisconsin to what's called the Wisconsin Dells. Jesus Christ. It's basically like a glorified local six flags. Now I know why you drink. Jesus. I never had it like that. Vacationed in Wisconsin.

We, sometimes, I think once in the, you know, like we would go to Florida every few years. Florida was basically like big deal. You know what I mean?

So you grew up like middle, that's very middle class vacation Florida. Yeah, yeah, we did. Like regular, like I said,

we didn't have nothing. We did not have a ton. It was like, we were fine. We didn't have anything. Just, I don't know. No,

no, nothing. We didn't have nothing. People like me talk like that. People like us talk like that. We didn't have anything. Just, I don't know. No. No, nothing. We didn't have nothing. People like me talk like that. People like us talk like that. Blacks. Excuse me. Chinese.

Sorry, yeah. Call back. Yeah. No, we just didn't. Yeah, Florida. Florida. Florida was vacation if we went out. Or we would go where family is.

That's another middle class thing to do. Where we went to South Carolina, Myrtle Beach, because North Carolina is where all the family is right they can all get there easy now that's what middle-class people do they go to a place where they either know somebody yeah that's so it's a convenience factor of being family yeah or florida or florida yeah florida's middle-class heaven so you what's it like this rags to riches story of andrew santino not rags because now you have it all i would say robes to riches rob Robes to riches. Yeah, I wore a robe. I had a robe. Now, I mean. I don't have much. I have enough now to,

the moment I realized I was okay was when I didn't look at prices of food as when I, like how I used to. Yeah. Like if I see an expensive thing on a menu, it doesn't scare me. Like it used to fucking scare me. I used to get in a tailspin.

Like I can't pay for it. I can't. You'd see like a duck confit and you'd just have a panic attack. Didn't even know how to say it. Yeah. Didn't know how to say it. You didn't say it. That's like my mom.

I said chicken pie yard at dinner. And she goes, I don't know what that is. And I said, we got chicken pie in Chicago. They beat it thin and they bread it. Yeah. And she goes, I don't know what that is. I've never heard of that in my life. And it made me laugh.

She goes, what's chicken pillard? Yeah. I said, chicken pie yard. You know what that is? It's beaten thin. Schnitzel. You've gone from this that in my life. And it made me laugh. She goes, what's chicken pollard? Yeah. I said, chicken pollard. You know what that is? Beaten thin. Schnitzel. You've gone from this uncultured Chicago. Oh, I was cultured.

I was cultured. To now you're in a movie with John Cena. John Cena and I drinking Guinness. Drinking Guinness. Drinking Guinness. You've been a fucking with Schultz. Why is his haircut like he's in Peaky Blinders? I haven't asked him.

You know what he is? He's really on a Shawshank Redemption. Last night he was wearing a prison shirt. Is that for a movie role? I think his life is a movie, so yeah, I think this is the role. The camera is going. But I mean, what is going on? Did he stick a bowl over his head and just cut the sides? You know what it was?

I think he went to one of those black barber shops and they started and he got nervous and he left. Did you fade right quick? And then they just quit on him. Yeah, because that's what happened. He probably said the wrong thing. You know what I mean? It's not for a role?

Honestly, I don't think so. You didn't ask. No, I mean, he had it three weeks ago in Phoenix. I think it was for a role

and he just kept it. And he kept it. I don't think it was. I think he'll tell you it was. Maybe, yeah. But it was a choice he made for the role. Yeah,

I go like, what is going on? I'm like, he must be in Peaky Blondie's sequel. But here's the deal. And he's got the little fucking 30s mustache too? I fucking love Schultz.

He can take the shot. He does what he wants. He can take the shot. Yeah, he does what he fucking wants. That's a confident guy because he is married, secure, doesn't really care what people think. That's why he continues to flourish in his own little way. He stays in his own lane. You get a haircut like that, it's over.

It's over, Johnny. They're making you leave New York. I can't do anything like that. Here's the thing. Also, that kid has such thick, luscious hair. When people have too much hair, they can do whatever they want with it.

He's got great hair. He could shave it. It'd be grown in an hour and a half. He does have great hair. Keep this going. This is great. Dan Soder's got hair plugs. I'm having a blast. Yeah, but you know what?

He called them his hair tits, and I thought that was really funny. Hair tits is good. Hair tits is really good. Does red hair get gray? Or does it stay? It stays this way until one day it just goes white. My grandmother had white, ghost white hair.

Do you have red hair in your ass crack and on your balls? Yeah. No, ghost white hair. Do you have red hair in your ass crack and on your balls? Yeah. No, I don't. All right. Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, my God! You ask about it, you're going to get it.

Jesus Christ! Don't ask if you don't want to know. Holy shit! I really regret putting his close-up on that one. Oh, my God! This is what Mom and Dad were doing upstairs when you were sleeping. I liked it. I fucking hate that I liked it. I know what your asshole looks like now.

It's bright red. But it's clean, wasn't it? It's clean as fuck. I couldn't do that right now. You know what my secret is? Everybody knows, man. Baby wipes. Baby wipes for life. I travel with them. I never leave home without baby wipes.

I take a little witch hazel. I pat it on a little toilet paper. I travel with baby wipes. I never leave home without baby wipes. I know witch hazel. You do. I take a little witch hazel. I pat it on a little toilet paper. I baby wipe. I travel with baby wipes. I refuse to live without them now. I have a carton of Cottonelle in my garage. I can't get your asshole out of my fucking mind's eye right now. I've heard that before.

It opened up. I've heard that before. I saw it. When I lived in West Hollywood, I heard that a lot. I can tell you it's never been penetrated. No chance. Yeah, mine is grizzled. You've been tickled. You'll let your wife put a finger in there i do know mine looks like it's yeah mine's

yeah it's more than a finger that's been in there nothing's ever been up near mine neither has he i can tell he's the kind of guy that wouldn't even let you even remotely it's like you can't even fly over you know what i mean it's like dc you can't directly fly over any of those buildings yeah you'll be yeah when you're got when you're be shocked. When you're my size, you got to keep it tight. You got to keep it clean, tight, nice and tidy. No, I'm saying you don't let anyone enter. Nobody's been up there. No one's even been near it.

Sure. They think it exists, but no one's seen it. Wildly untrue. Wow, you've had stuff up there. Not up there, but they've been buzzing around. I used to put G.I. Joe figures in my ass when I was in the back door. They've done some crop dusting around there. Go on.

I did. I was a young kid and I would put them in and I would hang, it would hang out and I'd run. And I did that at parties too. I would do that at parties. To this day? No, not to this day, but when I, you know, I became a comedian, I was always that guy. I wanted attention.

You always the guy that put stuff in his ass? I didn't have bits, but I always was the guy who would use my ass. I would put a G.I. Joe figure like this. In your ass. One arm. And then I would run. And I would try to see if I could hold it. Funny.

And people would laugh. Was it the one with the parachute? Then you'd pop him out and he'd just float down? So funny. It had the arms. A little shit shoot coming out? Now, here's another thing I did when I was curious. I never wanted to put stuff in my butt.

What are you, fucking gay? One time I had such bad constipation as a kid and it hurt. I did when I was curious. I never wanted to put stuff in my butt because my- What are you, fucking gay? One time I had such bad constipation as a kid and it hurt. I don't believe a thing you say. And it tore my ass. And I think that's lived with me forever. I had such bad constipation because I probably wasn't drinking water or anything. And then when it came out, it ripped a piece of my ass. And it probably was the worst pain I've ever had.

So what you're basically saying is you want something in your ass. What stopped you is the pain from the constipation. But you wanted it before that. No. So then why did that stop you? Why did you need to be stopped? No, I caught you.

Because the good Lord wanted me to... I'm no fucking Carl Young, but I caught you. Because Jesus Christ wanted me to stay a clean, healthy young man. You heard him right. He goes, you know what stopped me? He goes, what stopped me

is it hurt one time when the constipation... So before that, you were going like, let me put stuff in there. And then you use the excuse of that. That's right. Yeah. Well, the Lord did it. You got to test it out to see if you like it.

No, thanks. You've never given yourself the gay test, put on gay porn to see if you liked it? No. I will say. No, no, that's not from like a masculine thing. I just, that's not, I have no interest. You don't do that. No, I don't have interest. It's like a cruise ship. I don't have interest. Hollywood. from like a masculine thing I just that's not I have no interest you don't do that no I don't have interest it's like a cruise ship

I don't have interest Hollywood people like it but I don't it's not for me you've never questioned your sexuality once no

never you're a fucking guy no but it's just I don't know I don't men you know what it really is guys gross me out

I mean really guys are gross well you're disgusting he's fucking gross we're gross I love you as people isn't it crazy but you turn me off

as humans I don't find anything attractive about you right and as people. Isn't it crazy that gay guys- But you turn me off as humans. I don't find anything attractive about you. And there's no- Isn't it crazy that gay guys do? That's how you know they don't choose it. That's right. In order to be attracted to a hairy guy- A man?

Gross. A man with hairy legs, you gotta be like, that's not a- You can't make that choice. Makes me question straight women. Yeah. Well, I do question them still.

Any woman that says, oh, I'm into your type, I'm like, you're despicable. Yeah, it's fuck, guys are gross. Do we smell? You're disgusting. You know what my underwear smells like? When I take my underwear off, it smells.

You know what bothers me the most about men? Balls. Their gait. What do you mean? The way they walk? The way men walk. Oh, yeah. That's unattractive to me.

The way men walk looks cumbersome and uncomfortable and gross. Women float. Yeah. Men stampede. Like, we look uncomfortable and gross. Women float. Men stampede. We look stupid and ugly. I couldn't be attracted to something that looks stupid. Even a smart guy walks like an idiot. That's the thing. Women are cognizant of their

presence. Men are so non-conscious of their being. Like we said about the makeup. Right. It's fine. We don't care because this is just bones. Right. We don't give a shit. Right.

You don't really care. The only part of vanity that makes you want to be skinnier in shape is so you can feel better when someone else sees you. Right. You don't really give a shit. Right. I don't really care if I'm in good shape. Right.

I want someone else to go, yeah, you look good. Right. That's it. That's why gay guys take care of themselves so well. Better than anybody I've ever seen because they got that little kind of chickish vibe about them

I got these two buddies that are that they have the same like they have a skin care routine that he said he wanted to put me on and both these guys look like they're

you know 24 years old they're 40 but they're also happy so they don't have sad lines right like you have sad lines I have sad lines right

it's hit us it's hit us reality is this reality is to beat the shit out of us instead of dicks in my face it's pain and sadness

if a couple of dicks hit you you might smile more dude my brother's gay it's a happy existence I know trust me I bet you he's stoked

about life he goes to fucking Portugal he goes to Greece he's having a great time we know he goes to Portugal and Greece yeah

you already said he was gay that's like Israel they give you a ticket when you're gay to go to Portugal. Right. That's birthright for a gay guy. It's true. Is to go to south of Spain. They send you a ticket in the mail. We heard you were gay. One free trip

to Portugal and the south of Spain. It comes with it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a part of the deal. That's part of the gig, you know? So you're sitting there in the hotel room alone. I had a mental crack. You had a mental crack. How did you, what got you out of it? Uh, I think my mom. i probably called my ma i probably waited till they were awake and i and i called and just had to have a talk with your ma yeah my ma mom mother ma ma we say ma where i'm from okay yeah my ma okay ma when you yell you don't go mom no she's i go no i go we say mother

i go narcissistic bitch who ruined me. And then your dad goes, yes. It feels good to say. It really does feel good to say. No, I love my mother. I've been doing a lot of good work in therapy. My mother, well, your mother, she hurt you. My mother was rough.

My mother was rough. That's why you are the way you are. There's a lot of reasons why I'm here. But it's interesting because you're. But that's a big one. My mother was a rough, yeah, it was rough. But your father was not. In different ways. But, you know, look, it was rough. But your father was not. In different ways.

But, you know, look, it was a different time. I'm trying to understand and forgive him. But look, my mom lived under Nazi occupation during her formative years for four years. My dad fought in a war. So you guys had a clean house, huh? He was responsible for the hundreds of deaths of human beings. We had a clean house. Clean house.

We had a clean house. Nazi rule, and then your dad fought? In Korea, yeah. So they were traumatized. It's a different generation. We can't. then your dad fought in Korea. Yeah. So they were traumatized. It's a different generation. We can't. Your dad wasn't in the Korean War. My dad was in the Korean War.

How young was he? 19? No, my dad died a couple years ago when he was 91. Yeah, but he was in the war when he had to been. No, he was in early 20s or late. 21, 22 at the most. Yeah, 21, 22. That's what I'm saying.

He was a child. Yeah, he was a child. Yeah. Because my grandfather fought in the Korean War. Yeah, my dad had me when he was 48. So he had me close to 50. Did we end up winning that thing, by the way? We did.

We held the line. I say that to Bobby all the time. He goes, we fought on the same side. I go, so you think? Yeah. We'll see what the future holds. Yeah. My grandfather, because of the Korean War, Bobbies can be Bobby. That's exactly, trust me, I know. Yeah the Korean War, Bobbies can be Bobby. That's exactly, trust me,

I know. Yeah, if not, then it would be Bobby. Makes me wish that the other side took it, you know? We didn't have to deal with him anymore. No,

but I think I called my mom. I think I called my mother. I mean, I called a bunch of people, and I talked to as many people as I could. What's your mom's name? Oh, you don't want to say it on the podcast.

Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. Mrs. Santino. No. No. No,

because that's me. I'm biological. Santino. She's remarried. Mrs. Pyeongchang. You're Chinese, so it's Mrs. Pyeongchang. Pyeongchang. It's the city we're from.

Pyeongchang. Pyeongchang. Yeah, Pyeongchang. She said, she said, stop being such a bitch. Yeah. That's what she said. Tiger moms will do that. Nah, she said the real. She was like, I get it. It sucks. You're fine. It's alright. You're gonna. You know what my mom used to say that pissed me off, but now I find it's humbling. If I ever had like a all right. You're going to, you know what? My mom used to say that pissed me off, but now I find the, it's humbling. If I ever had like a big issue where I was going through something, she would always

go, it's going to be okay. And it's like, what an annoying phrase I used to hate to hear. But now I, the simplicity was right. Yeah, dude, it's going to be fine. You know, think about that with everything you are. It's going to be okay. Whatever, man. I don't know.

You're, you know, the world is not, the world is all upside down anyway. Everyone's trying, figuring it out, and then it's all going to be okay. And if it's not, it doesn't matter. So it is anyway. I guess the idea is even if it's not okay, it is okay. I want to throw my hat in the ring. Let me tell you something. I like talking about this stuff.

If you ever are feeling blue, give me a call. I would love to. I'll talk to you for hours. Yeah, I just, you know what it was? I love that stuff. I like it too because I get philosophical. It's the only real talks people have. Yeah, when you're like, I got to talk to someone.

I got to talk to someone. I'm feeling some pain. Yeah. Well, because only because I felt like, yeah, you just feel isolated. And when you start a new project, again, you don't want to let somebody down. And you feel like, man, I got to do fucking good. I don't want to walk into this thing and think that I'm not that good. Yeah.

And then you start to go, you're not that good. And imposter syndrome takes over and you're like, you're fine. You're whatever. And then at some point, you get in it just like stand-up. The moment you say a joke, the moment I do the first scene, it's gone. And you don't feel it anymore. Then the rest of the

shoot, you feel fine. But you're not nervous. I always say, you know when people go, are you nervous to go on stage? No. i'm anxious right the anxiety is ruling my brain going you gotta fucking do the thing you're really you know you're good you're really prepared you have to do the thing that you're good at it's like being an athlete they have anxiety before again it's the closest thing to being an athlete what we do it's performance based 100 and we're judged on how we perform it's not nervous nervousness was a feeling anxiousness yeah yeah anxiousness because when people say nervous i'd be nervous in're judged on how we perform. But it's not nervous. Nervousness was a feeling. It's anxiousness, yeah.

Yeah, anxiousness. Because when people say nervous, I'd be nervous in front of 4,000 people. You're like, it's not nerves. Yeah. Because nerves, to me, nerves can get in the way of ability. I think anxiety, in an ironic way, fuels ability.

It focuses you. Yeah, 100%. It makes you stronger in a weird way. It's almost like a creepy superpower. When my anxiety is running at its highest, I probably have my best performance. Me too. And when I'm too comfortable, I'll bomb. It happened to me recently.

It's so funny. When you're too grumpy, you're eating shit. I was feeling great, and I just bombed. Yeah, you do. I just fucking bombed. Because you're not focused on reading the room or figuring things out. The anxiety, you're not. You don't care.

Right. So you went up there, and you're like, ah, I feel great. And it's like, I literally bombed. That's why I hate in stand-up when comics act not you don't care right so you went up there and you're like i feel great it's like i bought i literally bombed that's why i hate i hate in stand-up when comics act like they don't care and that's a part of their act yeah because it shows and i know people enjoy this thing sometimes when people pretend that they don't care but as a comedian i hate it because i'm like but why would you not care that doesn't make sense you did all this effort to be here and to do it. I don't like,

I don't get it. I don't get it is what I'm saying. And there's a handful of comics that do the, I don't give a shit thing. And it's like, I mean, you do. So what's the bit here? Yeah.

Even guys that have like a lower and slower cadence or, or vibe, they still care. Like a tell. Yeah. He's very low. And he's kind of like very, he's like very like deep in it, but he cares. right here, but there is a vibe of comic sometimes they do this

I don't give a fuck thing and you're right well if you're gonna not give a fuck you better have jokes like David tell But but yeah, but even still day he doesn't have that so you know I'm saying I'm saying like if no one that's big that doesn't I don't give a fucking right doesn't exist right right right Like every time Louie's on stage he can't you could tell he gives a shit Even if he's even if he's really feeling it and trying to get in underneath it. Right. You're like, no, he gives a shit. Right.

This is a way that he's doing it. Right. Who's your least favorite comic? Go. On the count of three. One, two, three. You. Oh, dude.

I knew it. I actually knew it. No, least favorite comic. I know. Don't do that. I'm teasing. Who's your, you know what? How about this?

Let's give some love. No, I want to answer it. No, no, no. Who do you think is an underrated comic that you really think is good that no one really pays much mind to? I love this positive. You're positivity. I think you're doing a lot of work with yourself.

You know why? Yeah, positivity. Because... Positivity is just so much better. Not as fun. Not as fun. No, it's fun. It's not.

Because then we can make fun of the guy that you give a compliment to. Listen, do you want to have a plate full of vegetables or do you want to have a nice whiskey and go have a naughty night? Give me a whiskey. Okay. I don't have any, but you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I know. Who's a really underrated comic that I think people aren't talking about? Really underrated.

I'm not going to say like unknown or young because that's different. Underrated. Because I want to know. Sometimes I come to New York and I hear somebody go, you've never seen this person? And I'm like, I don't know who that is. Albany's, you got one? Yeah, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I mean, I have a couple.

Do you know Casey Balsham? Yeah, I've known Casey Balsham for a long time. I think she's way overlooked. I've known her for a long time. Her husband is great, too. Yeah, both are super famous. You're talking about Robbie. Yeah, Robbie's great. They moved from L.A. They left L.A. and found salvation out here.

But he's done like Conan and stuff like that. She's not. I think he's a little bit more seen in that sense. Well, he gets professional writing jobs, too, right? And she does, too, I think. They had a baby. Congratulations, Robbie. I haven't seen those guys in a long time.

They chased them out of L.A. and they're much happier out here. Yeah, nobody's really underrated anymore. Because it's like everyone has their pages up and stuff and people are getting views or whatever. So I don't know. You hate a lot of it though. He texted me last night and he goes I'm angry that I have to jerk

off to Matt Rife crowd work videos. That's what he said. He goes, why do I come so fast? Ah, God. He seems like a really nice guy too. Handsome, sweet kid, dude. I've never seen somebody sell out a tour with two years of two years i mean he's dude he sold out for like two

years i know he's doing eight radio cities and i think he's and all i'm begging he goes like i need to stop i don't think he was like all right that's he could do madison square garden yeah i think he was like i'm begging fucking bobby lee to post once about toronto and the fucking idiot won't do it it's like i can't beg it's like i literally he was like he told me he's like you see matt Rife? Oh, well, he sold out. And I go, yeah, we would sell out more

if you posted about it, you lazy fucking asshole. We fight about it constantly. Me and that guy fight constantly about his lack of effort. Do you think, though? And he's my best friend.

I love him so much. That's what bad friends works because you guys are bad friends. You're opposites. I'll tell you why it works. You like to get things done and he is an Asian kid. No, who likes to get stuff done?

He's the opposite of Asian. We work because... I love that kid. I'll tell you why we work. Because when we say something mean or stupid, or what the internet would be like, that's racist, or whatever, it's because there's love underneath it.

When you say something that could be controversial or whatever, and there's no love at all, everyone can smell it. It's like obvious. With him and I, we really do get into really heavy, heavy fights. For real. But it's because we love each other. I mean, I love him to death. But I do

hate him. I hate him like a brother. Because he's difficult. Yeah, and I'm difficult to him. Because I'm too analytical and nitpicky and anal. Do you know what I mean? I'm too over the top. Right. Well, that's why it's a good combo. And you guys both have a lot of talent.

You're both funny. You can both be really funny. Yeah. Yeah. He just kind of shows up and it's like, yeah. He's floating through. You open the fucking box and the puppet comes out. Look at these new pants.

You know what I mean? This guy. But it's- No, he's incredible. Honestly, he's an incredible performer to be with on stage too i know that i'm sounding like this is like a late night show but honestly dude i've never had more fun in my entire life when we do a show together it's the most fun i've ever had as a professional comedian i've never had this much fun on my own

yeah never had this much like um i don't know i've never felt this kind of joy yeah doing my own show then when me and that fucking guy are together, I can't explain it, man. It's just fun. It's just, I don't know. It's like the days back in school when it hurt to laugh and you're not supposed to laugh. It's the best.

It feels like that every night. Like we're going to get in trouble for being so goofy. You know, like they're going to yell at us and the principal's going to come in and they're going to be like, he can't show his butthole. You can't do that. And you can't make fun

of those kind of people anymore. You know what I mean? Like we feel like it's in the background somewhere, but it's the most free we've ever been. That's incredible. That's what it's all about. Yeah.

Comedy should be so stupid. You know who I think is incredible? I went to go watch Sandler. He was in Detroit and we were in Detroit and they were nice enough to let us, you know, give think is incredible? I went to go watch Sandler. He was in Detroit and we were in Detroit. And they were nice enough to let us, you know, give us access and go backstage and see those guys. And he's the fucking best. And every time I see that guy, the thing I like about him the most as a performer is that he doesn't take himself that serious.

And he's so good at not taking himself. Like he cares, not like we were talking about before. that serious. And he's so good at not taking it. Like he cares, not like we were talking about before. He does care, but he doesn't take himself serious where, where it looks corny or gross. It's like, he knows that some of it's goofy wackadoo nonsense. That's part of the fun. It's supposed to be, you know, my, my old touring agent used to say, uh, the biggest mistake that entertainers make is they forget to be entertaining. i was like that's pretty interesting yeah some guys think like my my voice is fun enough it's like nah they you have to make they have to want to see you they have to want to fucking see you i hate when someone's like i'm a great joke writer how come no it's like well are you someone

that someone wants to see a lot of people can write jokes a lot of people can be a comedian but are you someone people want to see and i'm not saying you know you got to fucking have fireworks and smoke but you have to be someone has to look at you and want to feel your presence yeah for some reason yeah whatever it is charisma fun yeah sandler's got that and he's got the charisma to a way that's unexplainable talent it's talent you're born with it i don't think you can really uh no you can't manufacture can't manufacture it's there and the machines i've, it just doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

Because people see through it at some point. They go, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. And if you're having fun, it sounds like you're in a great place. I think we're just having fun. Me and the kid are having fun. I mean, it's the best. It's so much work. It's a nightmare.

Why would you become a comedian to do something like that for just the job? Then it's like, might as well get a real job. No. It's like, we have... It's fun. And that's when it's best anyway. that's when the comedy is the best is when you're really laughing and having a good time no i'm i'm in a good place because i feel uh you know look dude i'll get morbid i walk out and i look at the theaters every time we're done because i think i may never be here ever

again i may die or i may never get this opportunity again. That's the sadness that comes with happiness. 100%. Losing it. 100%. Scared to lose it. Not scared. No, I'm accepting. It's like I may never play that theater again.

Yeah. Kind of fucking great. Yeah. And I soak it up for a minute because fucking it's over at some point. Well, that's beautiful. Yeah, it's going to go away. It's going to go away.

You're not going to sell out theaters your whole life. You're not going to play this. And I'm not going to be with one of my best friends my whole life. This is not not gonna last forever so the knowledge of that to me is comforting and like

fuck it who cares it's amazing so you just start staring at that theater and then and then I have a breakdown I have to call my ma

you have to call your ma and you just start hearing and I hear you tapping on the O line and tell me stop being such a stop being such a nah

put an Albanese over it every time you say just put an Albanese over it every time you say the F word the greatese over every time we say the f word the great andrew santino yes babe thank you so much thank you i love seeing you so much obviously i'm not gonna see you tonight you're not gonna come out no i gotta i gotta go back to the old the old uh don't say it family don't say it i know it's a bad word what are you doing tonight you have a pool at your house no i do you have a pool nearby in your neighborhood yeah let your kids go

swim in it and then look the other way problem solved we had an la inspector guy come to my house and literally say you know it's illegal to not have a fence around your pool yeah same i think that's a lot of and i said why yeah because it was because if the pools were built at a certain era they didn't have to appeal to that or abide by that law yeah and he said you know a kid could come in back here this is where i just said that from he was like a kid couldn't come back here falling and die i go well might help out that family you never know he didn't even crack a fight he didn't crack a smile that's not probably you gotta be around a comedian for that joke i know he did not like it dude his face was not offended it was like angry it's so funny

when those moments happen i remember when i first started working this show on fusion and it was like a day job and I was the only comedian in the building. They were all journalists and I did that first thing. And that was when comedians hung out all the time. This was when I was younger. When we were friends. We were friends. Everyone was just hanging out drinking. I hadn't been around regular people.

My girlfriend was a comedian. I was around no regular people. And I just let one wing once. And it was just like, people were like, whoa. Whoa. Like, whoa, man. Who is this guy? I felt that moment where I was going like, oh, yo, there is a, we are animals.

Yeah, toxic. We're fucking toxic animals. But because we want to break up the sadness. Yeah, we want to break up the sadness. But we were animals. Yeah. Like, we could sit there. It's like, we're to break up the sadness. Yeah, we want to break up the sadness. But we were animals. Yeah. Like, we could sit there. It's like we're so numb to regular humor.

Like, to make us laugh, we'd have to go see, like, a clown murdering puppies, like, on stage. How was he doing it? With a knife? Yeah. Was it a big knife? Like a live murder snuff. Like, live snuff plays. And we'd be fucking dying.

We'd be dying laughing. We'd be dying laughing. Because we're just jaded. Yeah, it's gross. We're around the funniest people in the world. Yeah, all the time. All the fucking time. It's a little sick. Like, to bounce ourselves out you gotta like, stick a G.I. Joe figure in your ass. I don't

believe you've never put anything in there. Swear to God. Yeah. Well, we'll let... What would you think would be up there? Maybe a Crayola marker? No. No? No? I would remember that.

It would be traumatic. Have you ever touched it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You've touched it. Has a woman ever touched it? No. You don't let a woman touch it?

That squeaky clean asshole? I don't let anybody near it, but you know why? That's a shame. That's a waste of time. I'll tell you why. It's like a waste of height. No, I always got hemorrhoids. I have hemorrhoids often. You have hemorrhoids. I don't wanthoids often. You have hemorrhoids.

You're in a fucking Irish mess, aren't you? Yeah. You never had a hemorrhoid before? Irish guys got all types of problems. If I run out of hemorrhoids, I go get some more. Do you put creams all over and shit like that? Uh-uh. Sunscreens and shit?

I let God do the work. You let God? Irish guys got to walk around with ailment fixers. Yeah, we're always sick. Yeah, you got skin shit. Something happens. Yeah. A tooth will fall out any minute if I keep doing this podcast.

I got to get back to the hotel. Are you 100% Irish? No. My last name's Santino. There's a little Italian in there. I'm half and half. Half and half. Yeah, my father's Sicilian.

My mom is Irish. Oh, what a fucking tragedy. Scumbags. Yeah. Total trash. Italians are fucking, they're criminal people. We're not Italian. We're Sicilian.

Sicilian, even worse. Better. Yeah, that's like criminals. We're the best. The criminal people we're not Italian we're Sicilian Sicilian even worse better yeah that's like we're the best criminals we're closer to you Sicilians are closer to your people but there's just a criminal mentality that's what the fucking Greeks man

what the fuck are you talking about yeah you guys are just like us we're worse yeah no you're worse than us but we have the same kind of people yeah

you're you speak in tongues your slang is heavier than most. Yeah. There's a lot. We're mean. We're rude. We're not fun to be around.

Right. Very spatially unaware. Yeah. Don't care about other people's time. No. Very self-involved. And a lot of beauty, too. A lot of Sicilian beauty.

A lot of Greek beauty. Sicilians are very pretty people. They're island people, man. These are fucking, all they do is eat fish and lay in the sun all day. So what happened here? Ireland. Ireland did it. Ireland's, yeah.

Ireland got in there, then you just came out fucking redheaded. Well, it's like when you see your friend, it's a friend, if you have a black friend that has a white partner and then they have a baby and you see the baby and if it looks way more white, you're always like, it's funny what picked, you know? Like, what's the thing that got it? You stand out, like you're an like, it's funny what picked, you know? What's the thing that got it? You stand out like you're an albino for whites, guys. I'm an albino, period.

I'm an albino. Do you like it? Was there a time you didn't like it? It makes you stand out and you look very good. I never cared. You never cared. When I was a kid... I got made fun of, but it was endearing. All the black kids would call me Opie you know

you know Opie Opie Taylor yeah from Andy Griffith they go there go Opie right there hey yo Opie yeah

this motherfucker look like the dude from Mad TV I hear that all the time or not Mad TV Mad Magazine it's the same guy you know Alfred E. Newman

Alfred E. Newman yeah this motherfucker look like Mad Magazine in this motherfucker I hear that you do look like a very very handsome version

of Alfred E. Newman here come Opie this motherfucker man hey yo look like a puppet he look like a very very handsome version of Alfred. Here come Opie, you motherfucker, man. He looked like a puppet. He looked like a puppet. But black love like that is always nice. It's never mean. White kids are mean.

White kids will fuck you up. They'll say some shit and it'll fucking stay with you for the rest of your life. But black dudes saying that stuff, that never bothered me. No, they make it fun. Well, because you laughed with them. White people say it to me like, eh. It's very like a, see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black people keep it in rhythm.

They make it funny because they know what it's like to be the outsider. That's what it is. I think it's because culturally they're like how comedians are comfortable with darkness. Black comedy, when I was a kid, was comfortable with the uncomfortable. They just say it because whatever, someone's got to say something. Right. And you say it with a little bit of love and then nobody fucking cares.

Right, right, right. It's just different. They come up with funny stuff. Like recently, one guy, one black guy, just in the comments and I said, did you make that up? And he told me he made it up. And I said, I'm taking it.

What is it? He called it Woody Barbershops. He called white people's barbershops, Woody Barbershops. What? And I just thought it was just the funniest. Woody Barbershops? From like a black perspective. Yeah, it's like a white guy's name is Woody? barbershops. What? And I just thought it was just the funniest. Woody barbershops? Yeah, it's like a white guy's name's Woody?

My name's Woody? Woody shops. He's like, yeah, Woody like one of them Woody barbershops. He's like, I don't know, over there at them Woody barbershops because I posted this clip about how segregation is good for barbershops. Like, you know, like we're integrated, but like barbershops are still That's like the only thing that isn't integrated. And it's good.

Like if they try to integrate it, black people, white people are like, no. Do you do that on stage? No, I just did it on the pod. It's a good concept, though. It's a good concept, yeah. It is true. That is one of the only things that you're like- It's separated.

Both parties are both like, it's better this way. Yeah, a white person walks in, they're like, I don't know what to do with your hair. I don't cut white people's hair. And the white guy goes, I get it. Yeah, I get it. And then a black guy walks into a white barbershop and they're like, I think we just closed. Yeah, they're goes, I get it. Yeah, I get it. And then the black guy walks into the white barber shop and they're like, I think we just closed. Yeah. Like, I understand.

That is funny. That is again, going back to what we were talking about. The black guy would make a joke about it. The white guy would be, you know what I mean? Like the eh about it. The black barber shop, the white guy walks in and they go, yo, anybody caught in that bullshit? And they all laugh.

There is an entitlement for whites in America. They do feel like I'm white. I did it. I did it. I did it. Give it to me. Give me something. Give it now. Give it.

And blacks kind of get that. I was about to say, being born white is like being born with a salary. Yeah. And being born black is like being born working strictly on commission. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. I think probably that's probably how it feels. Yeah, white people are getting a check no matter what.

It's like you get a check. Right. And black guys are like stockbrokers. It's like, or- You have to work for it. You gotta- 100%? Yeah.

So that's what it kind of probably feels like. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. It is true. I hope you heard that, Hollywood. That's what I believe.

Yeah, that won't cover up all the other racism, but it'll do a little bit. Yeah, well, the dirt's there. It's like the community service I'm giving myself. You are.

You're always giving. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you, baby. Andrew Santino. Of course, check out Bad Friends. Check out the Bad Friends podcast. And we're also doing a Bad Friends tour in the fall. Go to badfriendspod.com. Get those tickets for the fall. Boston, D.C.,

Chicago, Milwaukee, Minnesota, Madison. Adding dates as we go. Denver. Badfriendspod.com. And hopefully the movie when it comes out. Hopefully it's good. Yeah. One of the best in the biz Love ya One of the greatest guys

One of the funniest guys Andrew Santino Go check him out Go check me out What's up Want to give a shout out To our small business Shout outs

Appreciate you guys With Mwah Mwah Big kiss from Jared Yeah Want to say hello Of course

To the guy who made this sign Thank you so much. His name is James Burke. Big surprise, he's a stand-up comedian and glassblower. I wonder which one he's more of. But I'm going to say he's both. Of nine years he's been glassblowing with his partner, Sydney. I assume that's a lady.

And he's also an illustrative artist and he makes handmade jewelry the guy is multi-talented he probably owns an etsy shop with that lineup yeah they should open one up they operate out of their home studio and the appalachian mountains is north carolina so right there in the big city where they get tons and tons of foot traffic to come check out their jewelry and handmade signs and stand-up comedy. Right next to the Beaver Pelt. There's a great stand-up comedy club right there in the Appalachian Mountains called Inbred Honka Donks. It's called One-Eyed Whitey. To incest minimum.

Jesus Christ. Now I know this guy looks like that. He actually is the handsomest guy in his neighborhood. He's also a model in the appalachian mountains of north carolina they got a shop you can find a variety of affordable uh made to order handmade wares like glass tobacco pipes chillums smoking accessories glass drinking straws kitchen anything you can need as an apparatus To cook meth Get it from His store

There's a Huge demand In his neighborhood Up there in the Appalachian mountains For glass things To cook drugs in So

Go to his shop They got He also does Graphic design Original artwork Wire wrapped Electro farm Resin jewelry

I mean he does everything Does it all He's a Jack of all trades And he's a Stand up comedian Did I mention that original artwork, wire-wrapped, electro-formed, resin jewelry. I mean, he does everything. He does it all. He's a jack-of-all-trades. And he's a stand-up comedian. Did I mention that? Go check out his stand-up. Upon request, he can do custom hand-painted signs,

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No minimum purchase required. All purchases include a 10% off coupon for your future order. And hopefully there's a picture of him up there because the kid looks wild. He looks like a sick hacksaw Jim Duggan. He looks like a deflated hacksaw Jim Duggan. He looks like some birds are living in his beard. He looks like a former wrestler who would be on a loose leaf sign doing a 60-year-old tour in a public school in Fort Edward, New York. He's a strange-looking bird. He's got more hair on his fucking face than his head or all of Jared's body.

He's a hairy little fucker who made a beautiful sign. Thank you, James Burks. Get him now before this guy blows up, man. He's about to put his fucking Netflix special out. Before he blows up something. Yeah, or blows glass. Thank you, brother. Sign is beautiful.

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So whatever it is, if she's riding you, you can see her tricep. Oh, yeah. She'll be holding it there, and you'll feel like you're getting banged out, even though she's riding you. She's the girl that will put you in this position. What's this position where they push the penis down and bang you like that? It's called something. She's going to put you in doggies now.

Can we look at what that position's called? So the girl pushes the legs back and then puts the penis there and then rides the penis? I think you're talking about a pile driver. It's called a pile driver. So Sam Goubert looks like a girl who'll really put you in a pile driver. She likes to pile drive. She got arms. And then you look up

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Has a new podcast since Ju-Anon is coming to an end. Did we kill Juannon? I hope not I hope I didn't kill it The host for Juannon moved on, so we're updating Oh, he moved on, meaning the FBI came and picked him up They came and picked him up So Juannon is coming to an end

So they got a new podcast called Reality is a Suggestion with Arturo Lourdes That's my expression I'm not sure if you could use that as a title That sounds familiar. Wait a minute. I don't know if you can just use my expression.

We sell merch for that. We sell merch for that with hiatus. I guess you can. You know what? Go ahead. I mean, it's like saying yo, we're going to sell Dase shirts. Which, by the way, I mean, this guy just takes pictures with kids and says Dase. Yeah, you know, they see Manolo doing this, so they can do it too.

Yeah, they're like, whatever. All right, so go listen to Reality is a Suggestion with Arturo Lorenzo. And then he got another podcast on there called The History Hyenas. And then check out the Giannis Pappas Hour With whatever their hosts are So check it Oh, how about this? Have a podcast idea?

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I think every time I say Juannon, we get limited monetization. I think you're right. Yeah. Sad to see it go. Displaypros.net. These guys, if you have a custom trade show booth or retail fixture or promotional items these are the guys to hit up go ahead can't get a grip on this company go ahead hit up displaypros.net uh put in the coupon code

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Is that it? Yeah.