Yannis Pappas Hour - Socially Distanced Massages with Rachel Feinstein & Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Hilarious comedians Jessica Kirson & Rachel Feinstein come in to give us a long day. They have a hilarious prank album they did together out called Call Girls. You have to check it out. Yanni & the ladies chat about growing up ignored, flawed and with crazy parents. They go over sexual kinks, ridiculous conspiracy theories, Hillary Clinton’s sexuality, people’s antisemitism and much more.Listen to Rachel & Jessica’s album CALL GIRLS here: https://orcd.co/vcn-thecallgirlsYanni stand up tour dates & tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comJoin for weekly Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysLongDays is a weekly podcast by comedian Yannis Pappas. Yanni likes to goof on trending topics and news issues from all sides. He likes to poke all the bears. Get your commentary on news & trending topics with Yanni every Sat and a guest chat with interesting, brilliant and hilarious humans every Thursday. Wasdadealis The show goes out every Saturday night & Thursdays to youtube and podcast audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram on Wednesdays. Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis PappasInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 What's up everybody, welcome to another episode of Long Days. I am Giannis Pappas, as you know. I am here with two of the most talented, funniest comedians on the planet. They may be a little underappreciated because they're not complete sociopaths. a little underappreciated because they're not complete sociopaths. They're human beings with feelings in this godforsaken AI-run sociopath playground that we live in now. They are the exception. Hilarious human beings also happen to be of the tribe.

Yeah. We got tribe. We got three Jews in here right now. No, no. I'm a little overwhelmed. Barak Atatoy in Illinois. Eloheinu. Melech Malem.

Eloheinu. Give it up for Jessica Kirsten and Rachel Feinberger. That's not her name. Can't you just substitute a Stein for a burger? You can. You can. You can. Yeah.

Rachel Feinstein. I've changed it because I want to make it in show business. So can yeah actually no Rachel Feinstein I've changed it because I want to make it in show business so I'm Rachel O Feinstein now Rachel O Feinstein my name is Jessica Hamm Jessica Hamm and Rachel O Feinstein just a couple of good old wasp girls who drink white wine and wear pearl earrings and wear. We'd be a god. We'd be a god. Yeah. Now, so you guys are working together. What are you doing? Like a porno?

What's the project? Yes, we eat each other's boxes. Yeah, Rachel is really tight. No, Rachel and I made a prank album together during COVID because we were both suicidal. So we called each other and we're like, let's do something creative. I was pregnant, married to a firefighter, so I was not OK. It was like at the beginning. I remember when Tom Hanks had it and then we were all like, OK, we're next then.

Clearly, because we have so much in common. I was just roaming around like in my house at a nightgown, just humming like Pete was on the job. I was not well. Yeah. I was speaking of I was sizzling with with with mental illness at that point. And so we had to do something. Yeah.

And my dad passed away. Yeah. That's OK. Mine, too. Oh, yeah. More pain. Yeah. Activate.

Yeah. Yeah. And he didn't say a word about wanting me to be happy that's you know that's what you do your father passes away you make a prank album yeah so we were like let's do something creative and just try to have fun and so you know we we did it we made this prank album and it was so it was so healing to just like make these ridiculous calls we both do so many characters we did all these voices and just called businesses and harass them and we made this amazing prank album called call girls um yeah pun intended i know i get it i

got that one right away yeah yeah and it was and it was so much fun like we called a hotel and asked for a socially distanced massage it's too old jewish much fun like we called a hotel and asked for a socially distance massage it's too old jewish we're like we'd like a socially distance massage and the woman's like what do you mean they have to touch you and we're like does anyone there have very long arms jessica's like what if we do it some sort of a virtual thing where you say rub here and then I could rub it because I don't feel safe with this COVID-24 in the air.

And we didn't plan anything. No, it was all improv. Yeah, we're both like teaming with ADD. I'm shedding debit cards every week. There's no way I'm going to like plan out each call. We just got on the phone on Zoom and we just made something because I'm like, you're not, you can't, we're married to like, you know, people,

regular people, we're comics. I'm like, I can't, I'm not supposed to be in the house with your fucking husband that many hours a day. You know, people were going on Instagram talking about how like, it's made it so close. No, I was losing my fucking mind. Yeah, mine was close. You almost killed each other.

No, you guys are human beings with feelings. Yeah. This era is an era where, you know, like comedians don't have to be funny anymore and you can't show any flaws. You gotta be crushing it all the time. Well. And together.

Yeah, no. But you guys are funny, flawed comedians. Oh, I'm miserable. I'm a miserable fucking person. Yeah, well that's where comedy and humor comes from is like being not all together. Yeah. I'm not okay.

I'll never be okay. And I fully accept that. It's very freeing to accept that you're not going to ever be okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That ship sailed long ago. Long ago. And it's very funny.

That's what makes- I woke up in the middle of the night once and I heard my parents arguing. My dad just goes, she's not normal, Karen. Shit. I mean, it started very young. I didn't even dry my hair. It was always dripping down my back. I just had like a long, like I just thought everybody did that.

They go to school and their back's dripping. The hair drips down the back. Yeah, no. Like very young it started. No, your parents took a very libertarian approach with you as far as raising you. They just let you figure out the world in a very kind of hippie-ish. Yeah. You were like five years old

and you were like, I'm marrying a death metal husband and we're going to New York City. And they were like, that's great world experience. It was not good. Yeah. No, it didn't shake out their policy.

Yeah. My mom was in the front lawn in like a dashiki and I left to New York with like a metal band. And she's like, sounds fantastic. Strong women rock. Yeah. My mom was in the front like lawn and like a dashiki. And I like left to New York with like a metal band. And she's like, sounds fantastic. Strong women rock. Yeah.

And the name of the band was Dick Sister. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. No, my parents wouldn't let me like go like if I went like more than three blocks. Oh, like, yeah, they were all over me. They called the police. Tried to put me in military academy or yeah.

Wow. To become an altar boy. They tried to go the other way and that didn't work either. No, that doesn't work a lot of the time. Yeah, it doesn't work either, yeah. I think those are extremes. Yes. I think what we have here is a case of extremes.

Yes. Where your parents are going, go to New York, you're five, you're old enough to make your own decisions and my parents are going like, you're not, you can't make your own decisions from, you can't walk without us. You need to, wherever you go,

we need to. That's not good. That's not good. It's not. I grew up like Rachel. And you grew up a lesbian. Well, I didn't grow up a lesbian.

You found it. I sucked a lot of dick. You did? Yes, I did. And I don't mind it. I talk about this in my act. I like sucking dick

because I'm an eater. Do you know what I'm saying? So I do like that feeling in the back of my throat. I do, because I binge on food. I don't chew. You saying? So I do like that feeling in the back of my throat. I do because I binge on food. I don't chew. You just like things in your mouth.

Well, I don't chew food. I just, I choke on things. So I like sucking dick. I just, you know, I don't like the semen. Like if it were tzatziki sauce or, you know, like or baba ghanoush, I would down it. So once you're reminded it's not food, that's when you're out. Right. Yeah. At the beginning, you're like, these sensations feel like food. Right. And then you it's not food, that's when you're out. Right, yeah. At the beginning, you're like,

these sensations feel like food. Right. And then you're like, oh, that's not food. Oh, yeah, yeah. What is this? This is like glue. I'm gonna drink glue. But yeah, no, I was never, I never minded being with guys sexually.

I just couldn't fall in love with them. Right. But yeah, no, I was like, you know, grew up like Rachel where, and it's funny, we have so much in common. I mean, it, I was like, you know, grew up like Rachel where, and it's funny, we have so much in common. I mean, it's how we connect because our moms are therapists. We, you know, our moms were constantly

helping other people, healing the world. And then we were just left to like bring ourselves up. Yeah, literally. It's very similar upbringing. So you guys were ignored. Yes. I mean, I was, you know, my mom's an amazing person, but she was not the most maternal when I was growing up.

So it was just like, there's food in the house. Find it. You know, it's just everything was rotten. Yeah, my mom would be like, there's ramen. And then she would just be weeping about racial suffering. That's all my mom ever talked about. So your parents were- There's ramen.

There's ramen. God damn it, it's not enough. Like our whole household was like black men carrying coffins just like steve bico did not die in vain and i was just like mom i need a snack your parents seem like they were both consumed with other people's suffering oh yeah so they ignored their own children and they probably looked at you and like when you said i'm hungry that was like such a slight concern. You think you're hungry? There's children in Africa with flies flying around.

I'm like, can I just get a ring ding, bitch? Right. Can you please just get me a fucking something to eat? Right. And your mom was concerned with like other people's psychosis. Well, my mom saw clients in the house. So my mom was a therapist in our house. Right.

So she always had clients there and then I was suffering upstairs. I mean I was literally eating like seven pizzas. I was like fucking cutting myself. I mean I wasn't cutting myself. I was cutting myself on the inside with chips. I was cutting the inside of my mouth. I was slitting my inside

of my mouth with Tostitos. That'll happen if you put too many in and you don't chew. Oh yeah you slam them in and you just cut the inside of your mouth. Jessica used to have to be quiet because the clients were there. She was always, you know, I need you to keep it down. Right.

I hear you walking around. You're flushing a lot. Susan needs help. I'm like, okay, I need help. Yeah, I'm your daughter. I am not okay. Yeah. Forget about Susan.

Your daughter's dying. Yeah. Yeah. She just left you to just fend for myself yeah just fend for

so then I started partying I was really I smoked a lot of pot yeah drank did drugs you know

it was amazing yeah that was fun because no one watched me so I just fucking partied all the time that's a good time to do it when there's no consequences

I will say I did it really young too and I'm kind of glad I got out of the way I'm not telling like small children to do it when there's no consequences. I will say, I did it really young too and I'm kind of glad I got out of the way. I'm not telling like small children to do drugs, but I'm just saying like, as I said that,

I was like, maybe I should. No, but you're right because like that's, if you're going to do it, do it then. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You don't want to like develop that part, like need in your 20s or 30s or 40s. No. No. I did it through my 40s. I mean,

I, oh, I'm a garbage can. No. I did it through my 40s. I mean, I... You kept... Oh, I'm a garbage can. Yeah. No, I've been sober. Are you full sober? Yes, I'm full sober for a while. Yeah, yeah.

I don't do anything. I mean, I still do chips sometimes. Right. But I don't do anything. And I can't because I'm an animal with drugs and alcohol. Yeah. I haven't had a drink in a very, very long time. But I've gone in and out with drugs alcohol. I haven't had a drink in a very, very long time.

But I've gone in and out with drugs, but I haven't had drugs. And this is the longest sentence I've ever said in my entire life, and I want to kill myself. But I'm literally just talking and talking and talking. But I haven't done drugs or alcohol in a long time. And I don't, I can't, because I can't have a little. Like, I love when people are like, why can't you just smoke a little pot? I have a little. Like I love when people are like, why can't you just smoke a little pot?

I'm like, because then I'll end up like gambling, fucking your whole family, you know, snorting cocaine. You know, I'm out of my mind. Oh, I'm out of my mind. Yeah. You enjoy it. I mean, I would say that's just passion for it. I enjoy it until I don't, and then I can't stop.

Right. There's no stopping me, and I don't and then I can't stop. There's no stopping me. I don't care what the consequences are. I don't care about anything. I just want my drugs. Yes. That's a personality type. Did you ever

get into drugs? No. You're not. I'm more of an obsessive, neurotic, fear-based, anxious thinker. Me too. I'm more worried about people where the people are mad at me. Yeah. I would say we're more pussy. That's more...

Yes. Like, we're not... Like, we're just... You guys are courageous. You're like, throw caution to the wind, fuck everything. I'm gonna kill everybody myself,

but I'm gonna have a good time doing it. Yeah. Well, I numb it with that shit, so you don't even have a way of numbing it. You have no way of numbing that shit no that's hard comedy probably I mean that's what I do because I'm

deeply codependent so I'm always worried if people are mad at me I love alcoholics I just love somebody I can like fix Karen taught me that get in there and fix it you know she like my mom once you say something dark to her she listens like this like she puts a, she gets in there.

Yeah. If you have like a basic need, my mom is zooming past you. But you know, like I remember I was dating a guy whose mom was like in prison and I'm like, he's cheating on me. And she's like, well,

remember, you know, institutionalized racism and his mother's incarcerated. So watch your tongue, Rachel Louise. Yeah. So your mom's heart is perpetually bleeding. She's just bleeding. institutionalized racism and his mother's incarcerated so watch your tongue rachel louise yeah so your mom's heart is perpetually bleeding she's just bleeding she always understands you could bring home like a serial killer and she would tell you how society yes created him i have so many he was touched yeah yeah rachel please let him go run a train on who he needs to because he's had a tough time.

And she was all about like, she taught me to have like very few boundaries. Because I was always questioning my own boundaries. Because she was always like, Rachel, remember the childhood. Me too. Yeah, I'm like, Mom, he he's like he's fucking three of my friends she's just like well Rachel's suffering something something integration took a long time to actually happen yeah he raped my asshole well he's courageous he's experimental let him do it I'm bleeding

Well At least he cleaned it up Yeah Yeah I love how some people Are wired That they could be like Just so accepting that way

They go all the way with it That's the both of our moms Are like that She's like Her mom is like With accepting the way You are with drugs She goes all the way

To ruin everyone's life. But then I come home to visit, my mom's like, remember you walk loudly, so be careful of your step. What the fuck is that? She's like, you have always had a jarring step,

so be conscious. I had to think about how I walk, you know what I mean? So it was always just like, make sure to remember the history of everybody else except for your own actual feelings in the moment i had to

learn that like i could be like no you know not ask for somebody's entire like you know racial and political history and it's just and actually in a way i feel like that's like taking race out of something and not being racist did not just look at somebody as like their own past sufferings absolutely yeah just be like i just see a human being in front of me well that yeah that's like a lot of times that's the critique on on the left is that they like concentrate on race a lot yes that's very true like i feel like if your mom was like in charge of an airline like part of her policy would be like before everyone got on the airline they would have to recite every middle eastern country's national anthem in Arabic. You know, something like that.

The tickets would be the same price. There'd be no first class, equal treatment. The money for the flight would be redistributed to orphans in Chile. And then she'd make an announcement and be like, this is our last flight, because we're going out of business. But it was, was this a good experience for everybody what did we learn what did we learn about each other it's

two days later yeah yeah yeah yeah like my mother-in-law is Colombian and whenever my mom speaks to her I feel like she's like I'm talking to a Colombian woman like she's so invigorated you know and I'm like she's just Maria my mom's just like well good morning maria yeah and it's just a lot what's her ethnicity your mom again my mom is not of the tribe your dad's the tribe my mom converted my mom is just like a mixture of like irish scott but her dad was far right so she over corrected her dad was like if you had an opinion at the dinner table you were a fucking commie right yeah so she's like if i spoke my opinion at the dinner table, you were a fucking commie. Right. Yeah. So she's like, if I spoke my opinion, I was called red, a red commie. So then my mom went away and majored in African history and minored in black studies and married a Jew.

Yeah. Your mom was like Rachel Dolezal light. She just didn't do the full transition. Like your mom could have tutored Rachel Dolezal. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah.

Yes. Like your mom could have tutored Rachel Dolezal. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yes. Your mom is like, when kids show up to the class, your mom's just in there and she's wearing stuff that's culturally not from her upbringing. Like I'd walk into her class and she'd be teaching

like Swahili history and have her hair braided. Yes. And she'll walk into like a Southwestern store and leave with like 12 months worth of clothing. Like that Southwest shop. And my mom loves just a Native American shawl. So does my mom. Same thing.

Well, your moms both wanted you guys to shut up and be quiet. Yeah. They didn't want you walking. They didn't want you moving. You were making too much noise, both of you. Yeah. My mom wanted me, but my mom did a lot. I don't know how much Rachel's mom did this, but my mom did a lot of therapy with me and on me.

So my mom does a lot of Reiki, and she does it on me without even asking. A lot of times she'll just put her hands near me and be like, I'm like, you have to ask me. You have to ask me before you just do that because she's psychologically molesting me. That's what I say. I was about to say, yeah.

It's kind of like she's literally sexually harassed like it's molesting me but it's with psychology yeah you're like you can't just do like i'll be on the phone with her and it gets quiet and i'm like mom are you there and she's like i'm just doing some energy work on you i'm like you can't just do it on me you have to ask right if i want to do it consensual but she taps me and she says things, like she does the tapping and the eye movement shit. What is the tapping? What is that, Jess?

That actually works really well. People are going to think I'm crazy, but there's tapping and you can go on YouTube and it's just energy work. It just changes the energy in your body and it just changes your way of thinking. But I don't want to do it with my mother. That's the point.

It's a conflict of interest. Yeah, it's boundaryless. But I had to want to do with my mother. Right. That's the point. It's a conflict of interest. Yeah. It's boundaryless but I had to do shit with her my whole entire life. Like if I were just angry it wasn't at her or even if it wasn't her

she literally had a person who deals with bonding stuff because I was just annoyed with her for a little while and I was young. I mean I was probably like I don't know probably I was 14 or 15 she had

some expert that deals with bonding shit come from Binghamton New York I lived in Jersey yeah this guy Barry this isn't this is crazy and she had him come to our house and and I walk into the her office her therapy office downstairs used to be your playroom and there's mats down yeah and I see nerf bats and pillows oh and she says Barry's here and he's gonna do some work mats down and I see Nerf bats and pillows. And she says, Barry's here and he's going to do some work with us. And I'm like, I'm not doing this.

I'm like 14, 15. I don't know. I'm like, I'm not, I was fucking enraged. I was enraged. And she's like,

you're going to have to do this so we can work on our relationship. I'm like, I'm not hitting the pillows. I'm not doing this. What did Barry do? Was Barry just standing there? He's like, it's okay.

We're going to work on it. We're going to get you guys close. I want your mother this fucking thing. What did Barry do? Was Barry just like, it's okay. We're going to work on it. We're going to get you guys close. I want your mother to hold you. And I was like, I'm not fucking done. Like I was, I was so angry. I was so angry about it.

And I wouldn't do the bats and the pillows, but I, you know, I, I kind of like let her hold me, but I was in a rage. And then I would just,

she would cry. Right. And what would happen is I would comfort her. Like this is how I got so fucked up right right because I would comfort her and you know feel bad for her but meanwhile I had so many resentments yes you know and I'm comforting her and making her feel better right it was so insane that's a little it's not maternal to say to say to your daughter we need to work on our relationship. Well, the point is it's just not appropriate for me to be working with her in a therapy session on my issues with her.

Right. Yeah, because she's controlling it. Right. Not exactly. Like, go to my therapist. Right. That's like, it's rigged. The game's rigged that way.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, she's like, I'm holding you. I'm in control. You're going to weep this much. Barry is going to control it and like, yeah, it's not good. Also, it's not going to heal

what happened. Like, I always say when I'm on stage, you probably heard me say this, when the audience claps, I'm like, no matter how much you clap, it'll never fill the hole.

Like, there is nothing that will fill that hole that is there that will never, nothing, no amount of drugs, no amount of food, no women, no amount of fucking, no amount of drugs no amount of food no women

no amount of fucking no amount of nothing will fill that hole that is just you'll never get to the shore no swimming don't you feel like that i mean there's just we all have every day i wake up and i go yeah there's a problem i never wake up and go like i feel great you know like i'm just too aware i'm like oh there oh, there's a problem. I'm awake. People are alive and we're here. We're floating on a ball of pain in nothing, tethered by some weird kind of gravity thing.

I don't understand. And you have a baby. You have a wife. You have a house. You have this. You have that. You have a career. It doesn't matter.

There is always this hole this sadness and you get by and you're grateful and you're okay but it's just that that thing comedy

laughter is what I like yes me too that's the only thing that was my only relief me too so your mom was a strict Freudian it sounds like with all the Nerf balls

and yoga Nerf balls yeah she was a strictly like Cambridge psychoanalyst 100% yeah I love she was new wave let's call you she was a new wave psychoanalyst. A hundred percent. I love. She was new wave.

Let's call you. Yeah, mine was new. Yeah. You guys. My mom had a lady come over because I was like humping my girlfriends when I was 11. This is amazing. So she found out about her humping game, which I feel like a lot of girls do that around 11, 12.

I humped everyone in the neighborhood. I was a fucking whore. I licked a dick. I mean, I licked my friend's dick, yeah. We used to jerk off together. I fuck, yeah. I fingered the whole neighborhood. Yeah, we had like a game we played

because you know when the boys aren't ready to like be with the girls yet. Yeah, and you got all the sexual energy, yeah. But we're ready to hump. I love this story. And the boys still have their t-shirts wrapped around their heads with that emotionally unavailable t-shirt turban that they have on

when they're playing sports, and they don't want to hump us yet. Well, because kids haven't developed straight yet. We're all gay at the beginning a little bit. Until you're exposed to the, like, you gotta, like, you know, because you don't, unless you're hanging out with girls when you're seven, you know, you're just hanging out with boys, then you have all this sexual energy, and, like, you got a sword, I got a sword, you know, and then you figure out gay games.

Or is that just me? Did we all do that? Am I gay? No, I think a lot of people did it. Okay. A lot of boys do that. Trust me. My friend told me about this like humping game.

And I was like all in. I'm like, yes, let's hump. And we would play this little game. And one of us would be the boss. Another would be the secretary. And I used to talk about it on stage. But my name is Chrrissy tinker it's amazing her name is mr company which is the greatest name of like the boss chrissy get me my goddamn briefs mr company get me my briefs and then i would come over and like bring the briefs and i'm like i'm sorry i'm just a pointless

hole and i'm trying my hardest mr Mr. Company I just need to be punished obviously and then she would hump me and then I would smack her we had a weird humping smacking scenario so it was all office based I would smack her I'd be like Mr. Company and then I'd smack her and she'd be like I'd be like no means

no she'd be like no means yes Trisha it was very confusing and we did it a lot and i i mean she would call it the game and there was a signal she's like want to play the game tonight when you bet i do i'm backed up yes and then she told her mom about her mom called my mom we got in trouble for humping and then my mom called this sex therapist to come over i mean it's okay and i that traumatized me to such a degree because nobody just normalized like, oh, people are out there going rogue, doing a little humping, you guys, you know,

like no one's going to get pregnant. I mean, I think everybody could have just leaned the fuck up. You know, let's just do pump swipes and we're good, you know. But my mom called this lady over and she was like, Barbara's going to come over and she does some musical sexual therapy. She had a fucking acoustic guitar and she had these beads and she was

kind of just dancing around my living room and she was like bathing suit parts bathing suit parts you're not supposed to touch another person and so she told my brother it's like you know rachel is because i was always the problem in the whole family just problem right she's like rachel is having some sexual issues and she's acting out in some very deranged and haunted ways 11 so this woman yeah woman came over she had a lot aggressive amount of beads and she had a guitar and we did some sort

of like rape rock therapy I don't know what the fuck happened but I remember rocking around the living room with her like she was dancing and I was dancing and she had baby dolls and I had to touch their badges and say that's a bathing suit part and she was like and she had baby dolls and I had to touch their badges and say that's a bathing suit part. Right, right, right. And she was like,

this is the doll, where is the bathing suit part? And then Barbara would be like. If people aren't laughing and hearing this right now, there's something wrong with you. That's like the most non-threatening like conversion therapy.

It's a conversion therapy. Yeah, I was so deeply ashamed. The rock, the sex rock therapy was not it just made me feel like oh my god whatever I've done is so horrible

right I thought for sure that I had like full blown AIDS because I didn't understand anything about sex I was like obviously I'm in the winter of my life

I'm dying of AIDS in two weeks because I fucking humped Kristen right you know right and then she would put on

she had these beads and she would just roam around my living room and she'd be like I don't know if I had a bee in the soup house. This is a man of brown. And I would dance and dance

and then I would just be rocking in shame. And I didn't want to tell anybody at school that I went to fucking sex rock therapy because I was like, I'm disgusting. I'm a dirty little fucking bitch. I have this secret sex rock. And my mom was like,

you don't have to tell anybody what you and Barbara do together, but it's very important that you continue your journey. What the fuck happened? With all the sex rock and my mom was like you don't have to tell anybody what you and barbara do together but it's very important that you continue your journey what the fuck happened with the all the sex rock i all that it made me do has become completely prude right and it's the reason that i would just make i put guys through hell to put out because i just thought i was so disgusting right that i would make them go through all these weird stages and i became mccocktease yeah yeah those those types it just shows,

your parents left you to figure things out on your own and then punished you when you were figuring things out on your own. I took my mom's vibrator and she found out and freaked out and she and my father were divorced. She called him and told him. She's like, I have your father on the phone and I told him. Oh my God. I know.

I just remembered that from this whole rape rock story. I'm, yeah. Why would your dad need to be on the phone? I don't know. He's like, I don't know what to say. He's like a total Republican

Trump guy. He's like, I don't know what the fuck to say. I don't know. What am I supposed to say if she took a vibrator? What the fuck? This is inappropriate, Elaine.

Even he knew that he shouldn't really, it's not really his jurisdiction well my dad when my dad caught me putting on my mom's stockings he just yeah he just he just goes uh does your mother know and that's all he said to me oh good all right then he just left that i was just standing there i had all these porno mags like a lot because back then it was like before moving pictures you could get your hands on some good moving picture VHS porn. Yeah.

So I would just open Calvin Klein ads and like whatever model was whatever. And I was just like looking at all the pictures, like trying to make the move like, you know, Christy Turlington. And for some reason I put on stockings too because I had a sexual attraction to stockings. And my dad just came in. I remember he was pushing the door open and I was trying to close it. Like and then he.

Oh. Like a little boy semi and you were standing there. I was full rock hard. I didn't have a semi. I was into it. I was figuring out, I guess. That makes complete sense. I was making the best use of the resources I had at the time to jerk off.

You know. What you had to do, you had to let it out. What are you going to do? We didn't have the overstimulation that the kids have now where you can find your exact kink. You had to make use of what we had. But I love that.

This is like when parents used to say, I used to have to walk to work five miles. I used to have to put my mother's stockings on and get six Vanity Fair magazines and line them up in a row and just look at... That is so funny. I used to look at all of them just like when I got bored of one, I would look at another one. I used to actually look like this. That is so funny. I used to look at all of them

just like when I got bored of one, I would look at another one. I feel like that's like a Norman Rockwell painting now. Just that scene itself. By the way, I so relate to what you're saying right now. Like I would get turned on by watching like the Love Boat and shit like that. Like that's what I would masturbate to.

Yeah. Charlie's Angels. Oh, me too. I was like, it's so into that. I was very creative. I jumped off to Wonder Woman once, the Angels. Oh, me too. I was like, it's so into that. I was very creative. I jumped off to Wonder Woman once, the cartoon. And Smurfette.

Smurfette. Smurfette was like hot. She had good energy. Smurfette is amazing. You probably went out to Smurfette is the best thing. I brought one out to Yentl

and I gotta tell you that really. Who's Yentl? The Jewish movie Yentl, and I got to tell you, that really... Who's Yentl? The Jewish movie Yentl, I'm joking. Oh, that was like an Academy Award winning... My parents were dragging it to those, yeah. That was abuse too. I remember back in the day when your parents would just take you to the movies they wanted to see.

Yes. That was abuse too, is hysterical. We were abused. What's that sound? Let's go to a caller. Yeah, let's go to a caller. No, my parents took me to see the movie Jagged Edge. I'll never remember. I'll never

forget it. Oh, I remember that movie. Yes. That was scary. Harrison Ford or Jeff Bridges. Yeah, and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep for 20 years. I was just scared. What do you think is the hottest movie like that? Like a rated R movie that you've ever seen?

That's a good question. What's the one where Diane, what's her face, is cheating with the guy and then she kills him? Yeah, that's a hot movie. Oh my God. Basic Instinct. Sharon Stone was a real slut. Oh, she was fucking hot in that movie. She was hot.

Yes. Yeah, she was smoking hot. Kim Basinger. Nine and a half weeks. Nine and a half weeks. That's all we had. Yeah, back then that's all we had. Oh my God. Kim Basinger. Nine and a half weeks. Nine and a half weeks. That's all we had. Yeah, back then, that's all we had. Oh, my God.

Those were hot movies. You're right. My parents would take me to the most boring shit that I would just fall into a low-grade depression. I remember seeing Hunt for Red October. I was like, this is wrong. Oh, I like those because I'm a dyke. I love those kind of movies. I hate those movies where men are just staring at maps and pointing. Oh, I love those. Oh, my hate those movies Where men are just like Staring at maps

And pointing Oh I love those Oh my god Why are they twice My favorite kind of movie What could be compelling It's always just Long winded arguments

With like Russian men And maps Oh those are the best Do you like those Men staring at maps Together And having long arguments About them

I like exciting war movies Me too It's my favorite kind of movie War movies Yeah Seeing people's toes Get blown off Yeah war movies are too it's my favorite kind of movie war movies yeah yeah we could see people's toes get blown off yeah my favorite movies are great yeah i mean that i do feel like they're coming for us hold on they know they're choosing see that's our first thought yeah another juice

here and this is all set up you guys know what you did it's the holiday season i figured this was the person i thought this mug was gonna save me it's the only way you I figured this was the person. I thought this mug was going to save me. It's the only way you can catch Jews is trick them into some sort of entertainment thing and then they show up and then you scold them for what they did

to Jesus Christ. He was a Jew. How do you guys even enjoy the holidays knowing what you did? Listen, I sleep better. It felt like closure.

Yeah, it felt like closure Yeah It felt like closure When he does last dumb breaths Batting around Yeah Yeah No I like The Hunt for Red October Me too Great movie

Yeah it's a good movie Great movie Yes But yeah Kim Basinger Back then that was porn She was so hot Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger were like, that was porn.

Yeah, that was like porn. That's all you had. I wanted to look like those girls so much. Olivia Newton-John, Kim Basinger. I didn't want to look like them. I wanted to eat them. Madly. I always wanted that blonde,

just clean, fucking sprinkle with Christ, fucking nice, clean Hitler youth look so fucking bad I wanted that long straight shiny fucking hair instead of my wild untamed wet Jews nest wet Jews nest is that because your mom desperately wanted you to just marry

any minority she just like anything your mom probably just like, anything, your mom probably just went, Rachel, anything but white. Bring me home anything but white. She wanted you to be with

She said that to me. She said, she said to me once, it wouldn't be a crime as another, in other words, I would prefer if we could get some color

in this damn family. Once she found out your husband had, was half Colombian, she was probably like, she did one of those like Napoleon Dynamite. I raised her right. Something got through.

But you both ended up with Catholic. Yeah. Because you go the other way. Right. You go the other way. My type is definitely like, uh like a dusty guy that looks like he can you know fix a fucking he understands a fuse box my dad because he's like my dad is like a never-ending sinus infection you know like oh my god that is so

he's a sickly i mean you know he's a smart civil rights lawyer but he can't change a fucking tire i married a fireman i was, I gotta get the fuck out of here. My dad would tell my friends about his sinus infection when they called the house. It was humiliating. My friends would get on the phone and they'd be like,

wow, your dad's sinus infection sounds really bad. I told you. Your dad's old school Jewish socialist civil rights. He's not so much socialist. He's more like, you know, he's like a Democrat. He did turn your wedding speech into a political speech.

He did. My dad's toast at our wedding was mainly about immigration. I remember that. He didn't mention Pete or I once. It was only about immigration. He's like, I got the floor. I'm going to make use of this platform. They're nuts.

Our parents are nuts. He made use of his platform like an actor at the Academy Awards. My dad would have done that about Trump. I mean, about the other side. He would have been like. What would your dad have said? And Pete's family would have been like. Yeah, right.

No, my dad would have been like, you know, a lot of people put him down, but he's a good man, and he's right about a lot of shit. This wouldn't be happening right now, and he's protecting Israel. So cheers to the new couple. People are so funny with their political passions, aren't they?

People are passionate. They're insane about it. God, get off it. They get passionate. Yeah, but they're insane about it god get off it they get it's a like yeah but they're obsessed it's an addict talk about addiction yes people are addicted to politics various levels of addiction right that comes out in different ways but people are addicted to politics and the news like i know people who are addicted to the news like i am to drugs and alcohol and food yes they're addicted, they don't stop watching it, talking about it. It's sick.

I don't watch the news. I will not watch the news anymore. And guess what? I'm a lot happier. I'm a lot calmer. I don't care. I cannot watch one thing. Well, the news is a kind of, everything's kind of encroaching on our field, meaning that the

news has just become so funny. It's insane. It's hard to put comedy on top of comedy. Yeah, you're right. You read an article and you're like, that's a real story? It's already written. Yeah. Like, we don't even have to write a joke about it.

It's already a written joke. It's like, you just, all you have to do is read what you read and you're going like, that's funny. You know what else bothers me? Also, the newscasters, it used to be like when the newscasters would go up and report on some sort of story. But now the newscasters report on themselves. They'll be like, you know, like Jessica, whatever.

Jessica Honeybush weeps over, you know, this so-and-so suffering. And that'll be like a headline on a news network. It'll be like one of our anchors got so emotional at this story. I'm like, get it to fucking together. Oh, I know. Well, they're all copybush. And that'll be the headline because our anchors got so emotional at this story. I'm like, get it to fucking together. Oh, I know. Well, they're all. And that'll be the headline because they just they're so fascinated with themselves. It's just like that culture of Instagram where people are always like on Instagram weeping.

Yeah. I'm like, why am I watching this person? This should be a private cry. Why am I watching it? We're in it. That's why I said at the beginning, it's like a very shameless, sociopathic, like robot controlled society. Like people are actually actually acting

like ai well they're like what do you believe and they're like what works people it's like who are you it's like what i am whatever works whatever gets me likes or whatever works i know and that's what robots do it's like whatever works and they are trying to get us fearful and and more divided and hating each other and panicked. And I'm just fucking sick of it, to be honest with you. It's bad. You hear that, people? The three of us are sick of it.

I am. I'm so sick of it. We've had enough. Let's call in a new wave sex therapist and fix this country. Can we get your mom on the horn? Does she know some fucking- Hostile amount of beads. Get a fucking hippie pseudoscience fucking new wave bitch in here to fix this country we need three baby dolls we need

all of us to point to their vag we need a couple bathing suit part we need some jazz or whatever yeah we need a berry bear i love berry so much yeah berry you i don't know if there's a conservative guy named barry when i hear the name bar, I picture a guy walking in with corduroys and he's gonna give me a good speech about a kibbutz. There might be a conservative Jewish guy. There's a lot of conservative Jewish people now. That's a shocker.

You know, when ethnic groups come here, they get a little money, they start voting right. Yeah. A lot of conservative Greeks, mostly. I would say Greeks mostly. Yeah. Yeah, conservative.

It's true. It's about the dough. It's always been about the dough. It's about the dough. It's about the dough. It's always been about the dough. It's always about the dough. It's about the dough. I'm not expressing it. And also when you get older too, as you get older, you just don't have time for the idealism. When kids are like, we should all live in peace, you're like, just get off my lawn.

Just stop throwing that ball past my window Okay just get out of here With your fucking idealism I know Yeah Well I'm as I have to say I'm alright Yeah

No I'm kidding As a lesbian Who's been out for Oh my god Well I'm not even I'm 75% lesbian That's what I decided I am

Well women are always a little more, like a little more open-minded. Yeah, totally. Guys are like, gay guys are like militantly love, they love, like they're militantly gay. They're dick, dick, dick, dick. Most of them are dick, not all. I mean, you go to the fucking dating websites,

it's just abs, like there's no faces. Right. It's just like they're ordering a sandwich at Wawa's. Yeah, I can be heavy and get the hottest women because they don't care as much about, you know. But this is the thing. I'm so sick of these young fucking lesbians and bisexual girls telling me what I can and can't say because I fucking paved the way.

Like I'm at that age now where I can say that. Right. Where the older lesbians used to say that to me and I didn't really get it. Right. But they did go through a shitload more than I went through. Now I'm at the age where I went through a shitload more than these young girls.

Yeah. And it's like, don't tell me what I can and can't say on stage. Don't tell me what I can and can't do. Because now you can be 11, 12, call yourself whatever you want. Not everywhere. I'm generalizing. But in a lot of places. Right.

Of course I did. I'm married. I have four kids. I mean, I'm living the life that you, I'm doing it. I went through, I could never have come out. I was in high school. No one was gay when I was growing up. How about a little respect?

You never said you were gay. Right. Ever. You never said you were bi. Right. Ever. You never said you were bi. Right. Joe was feminine. Right. You know, Claire was, she was a little butchy.

She played softball. But no one was gay or lesbian. I mean, I'm from that era. She was athletic. Right. You could never hold hands ever with another person. I had to go through years of being in secret relationships. Years.

I would have had shit thrown at me. Literally, physically thrown at me. So I went through hell. Hell. And I hid in relationships for years. So you should be able to say whatever the hell you want. Don't fucking tell me. Yeah.

And I'm constantly getting messages. And when I make fun of my relationship and certain things, and it's funny shit, people will say, you shouldn't say those things. Are you fucking kidding me? I'll say whatever I want. It's my life. And it's my jokes.

No, you trailblaze for them. Right. It's like Hillary Clinton trailblazed for you, and then you trailblaze for them. That's hilarious. I love what you just said. I love the caps you put on another person's thoughts. They're so truly deranged.

I love Hillary Clinton. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Her generation. If she's not a dyke, then I'm an Asian Zumba instructor. No, it's very true. It really is. It really pisses me off. You guys are like the Marines.

You're like the first in. Yeah. I mean, I went through hell. When I had to tell people I was gay I did not get you know wasn't always the easiest response it was so hard it really was it was not accepted it was not okay to be gay right I was in a secret relationship for years I had to meet my the love of my life my first love in hotels and date boys so that people didn't think I was gay. It was very hard. And now these young kids are like telling me words I can say and what I should say and

what I shouldn't say and jokes I can tell and what I can't tell. Are you fucking kidding me? You're like, bitch. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah. The reason why you even can make those suggestions is because I paved the way for you to be able to do that. Right.

Yeah. And I legally got married and I have four daughters. I have four children. You have four now? Yes. I have four daughters. Maybe five.

I know. I have twins. I have two and a half year old twins. We haven't spoken in a while. I know. It's been too long. I know. We have to get them all together,

all of us. We do. We all have girls. We have all girls. We got all girls. We got to get them together. That would be so cute. Let them learn about sexuality together. And all finger each other. We do. We all have girls. We have all girls. We got all girls. We got to get them together. That would be so cute. Let them learn about sexuality together.

And all finger each other. I know. You're like, here's the game I used to play, kids. I'm disgusting. I really am. Mr. Company, and I'm secretary. No, but if we had some sleepovers, and God forbid, our kids ended up doing some healthy hump game, who cares?

You know? I'm calling Barry immediately. I'm saying Barry immediately. I'm saying, Barry, get over here with your yoga mats and your fucking weird new wave music and fix this.

It's incredible. So Giannis, you licked, let's circle back to you licked the dick. Yeah, I need to know about licking the dick. How many,

speaking of percentages and all or nothing, what percentage, where did you fall and can you tell us a little bit more? Can you flesh out the dick lick? Was it a long lick

or a, like was it just a, was it like a quick popsicle it was by the way the way you've set up these chairs is unacceptable yeah i know yeah my face is in rachel's rack which is nice because rachel has an amazing you gotta yeah rack and an amazing body yeah she's i mean i don't want her that way she's my sister literally right but i can appreciate her looks, and she's beautiful. She is a beautiful. Beauty. Beauty. You're one of the most beautiful comics.

Thank you. Thank you. That's so sweet. I'm sorry. I need to internalize that. I thought he meant me. No, really. I mean, Rachel, my face is in there, and I'm very grateful for that.

My rack is open to you. Oh, my God. My asshole is open to you. Oh, my God. My asshole is open to you. I'm like, Rachel, it's been amazing working with you all these years. I can't. I appreciate it, and I would like to motivate you by the end of the show. Yeah, no, when we were growing up, we just thought, we just thought lesbians were just girls

who liked softball. We'd call them softball players. That's what I mean. We're from a different time. Now it's like, everyone is gay. Everyone's bi. I mean, that's great.

I hope everyone, that's, I don't, I mean, I'm so happy that everyone can be out there and do whatever they want. or a spoonful of dick or puss

if they so choose. So you're asking me what percentage gay I am? I just want to know the dick-licking tale. 99. Is that too honest? Maybe 99% gay? Oh, my God. I love you so much.

I just grasp onto that 1%. Like we do the DNA between us and chimps. I just grasp onto that one percent i hold on to it i love it's like i'm just swinging from a branch on that one percent straight that's the that's an important one percent that i and i just ignore the other 99 percent like the things that we have which you let yourself put on pantyhose now because you deserve to put on all the hose you want it doesn't turn me i went through a phase where I was like attracted to pantyhose. Yeah.

It was like I would go. I understand that. I would go crawl into my mom's room. They were away. Yeah. And I would like smell them. And then I got like turned on by them. That's so cute.

And then I put them on. I know. It's adorable. And then through high school, it was like if a girl didn't have pantyhose on, like I didn't like it. I was like, go get the pantyhose. Yeah. Come on.

I needed pantyhose in this scenario. I love that. That's adorable. Pantyhose was part of what turned me on yeah yeah pantyhose and guys turn me on i think also a lot of guys i'm not into male energy so you're not but the licking of the dick when we're we must circle back yeah so we could circle back to the licking of the dick must have been i like how you what you called that back. You're like, I think this isn't. Circle back. I think it's the wrong address. Can we circle back? Could we please zoom in? Yeah, it was yeah, I mean, you know, it was like play, like play, like figuring it out.

And I did those role play games too. Like one would be, we'd play like, you know, it was like, you know. I just called that good old Greek child play. And then they would just take out the dick and give you a quick little. Yeah, dicks were just out, dude. Like I remember we'd have sleepovers and everyone was jerking off. Yeah, like we were all just jerking off. Then we discovered porn together and like we'd jerk off in the same room together watching porn, you know.

And then girls came around and then everyone just started handing, you know, check out that smell. Oh my God. Do you guys really share puss fingers like that? Yeah, that was like the vaccine passport. That is so embarrassing. Vaccine passport. That was the vaccine passport of the early 90s.

That's how you got into a party? Yeah, you just were like yeah i got that yeah you saved it for like six hours yeah yeah like i i save it you have to save it yeah i mean you we'd leave it i wouldn't i would leave it on of course you have to remember especially when it was good puss it was good puss yeah yeah yeah yeah you know um that's what we did do you remember the two and it was always two fingers too It was never Nobody ever just went like that

It was always like Oh no Especially when you're really trying And like you're like this Yeah I mean how horrible Are human beings That we would

Oh no Especially I was with Kelly last night You did the whole fist We would just go to guys And be like check out That's exactly what Sally's pussy smells like

You know what I used to do I used to give everyone My foot Yeah I would give them My foot to smell Yeah Just so Sally's pussy smells like. You know what I used to do? I used to stick everyone with my foot. Yeah, I would give them my foot to smell. Just because I look really like, you know, like I really fucked a girl. I would give them my foot to smell. Wait, explain that. I'm joking.

I'm joking. See, you're right. I believe that. I would rub onions on my foot and then I'd have all my friends smell my foot. I have an obsessive personality, so I get obsessed with certain things. So for a while, it was like feet. Feet and shoes. And I would just plug it in like a pacifier.

Oh, I think I remember you telling me. Like a pacifier goes in. Yes, I remember you used to say that. But you're not into feet anymore? Before I even put the dick in, I just grab the foot, and I plug that in first, like a phone charger.

So you... Phone charger. It's like I'm low on juice and I'm like, okay, if I'm going to do this, we're going to scroll. I need to make sure. You're not into feet anymore?

I'm still into feet, but it's kind of... I'm married now, so it's like... I remember you telling me. But I remember you telling me because you were writing on my pilot at the time when you first met your wife

and you told me that like, you're like, a dog's a skunt. She's got solid dog's beauties. Her feet would go in the mouth every time we had a session. She would giggle and stuff and I would tell her,

I didn't want her to giggle because it would ruin my kink. I understand. You know, the giggle is just like when it tickles. It ruins it immediately. It ruins, it takes me out of my film.

Of course. A giggle takes you out of your film. You'd rather them cry. Yeah. Sob like a baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the giggling a baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The giggling takes it. It's not acceptable. I laugh as soon as it's done, but during is unacceptable. But foot shit is hot. Yeah. Yeah. He got like a vibrator and then he was like, Mr. Purple wants to play. I was like, okay.

I'd rather kill myself. He called the vibrator Mr. Purple. I was like, unacceptable. Yeah. If I was a guy, I'd be completely flaccid right now. Mr. Purple wants to play? What the fuck? My wife used to, she would giggle.

Like, giggle when I was, like, coming. What? Yeah, because I would make, I would really, I guess I really, like, would, you know. Yeah, if it was a real, like, if it was a backed up nut and I was letting it fly, I guess I would really fly off the handle and she would laugh. So it's weird listening to your wife, those two emotions at the same time. Yeah, it sounds torturous. You're being laughed at, but you're also kind of, so I always wanted to make her hold it

or wait until most of it was out at least. I could deal with laughter at the tail end of the come. Of course. It's like while you're coming, you're hearing laughter. It's like. Oh, that seems horrible. Yeah, yeah. That's problematic.

Yeah. Yeah, but it was like feeling two different emotions at the same time. Maybe that's how you open a portal to talking to God or something. No, I don't like it. No? It's shaming. Laughing would be distracting for me. Yeah, me too.

That would be hard for me. Can you imagine just her face right in your dick while you're cumming? I also, yeah, I don't like laughing during sex or I don't like it when people kind of remind me that I'm a Jew when they go, you know, pee used to sneeze, a Jew, a Jew. No, I'm a Jew when they go, you know, pee used to sneeze. A Jew, a Jew.

No, I'm just kidding. I don't like that. I don't like, I like when people say you're fat while I'm about, while I'm coming. So you like, I'm coming.

You fat fuck. That's what makes me come really hard. Do you like self-deprecate? Do you like being like, do you like being told you're trash kind of? Is that, because a lot of people

have that kink. Shit on me, piss on me, call me a whore. I don't like mean-spirited stuff, but if a woman is really hot and she owns, if she can own it and while she's doing something to me,

really own it and take over, that's hot to me. But if she half owns it, I'm like, get the fuck away from me. It's the commitment to the belly she has to own it she's gotta like really

Phil Hartman commit to it yeah then I will I'm done right I'm done right and there's not a ton of you know

yeah I mean it can't be half ass it's gotta be so it's like good sex has you know what you mean you can't fake that kind of control like it's in them no it's either there or it's not

it's not are you okay is this okay? No. You can fucking just take it or no. Awareness ruins sex. Yeah. The more things you're aware of ruins sex. Right.

You need to stop and process. There should be no processing. Yeah, there should be no, you gotta be like in a weird place. Yeah. Where there's no, I often get distracted by my own awareness. I know what you mean. I know like how she is she enjoying it

I'm I doing this most people everyone does that though neurotic? I mean, I I think we all are to some extent but like I I don't know sex therapy with Giannis Pappas Yeah We're just talking about our sexual kinks at this point. Yeah, that's up in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit I thought Pete would like it. And then I went and started to do some sort of like, I put like a firefighter jacket on with like a Catholic whore outfit beneath it.

And he told me to change shirts. He's like, no, that's the one I got to wear on Monday in the middle of my fucking whore shirt. He broke it. He's like, no, I used my lieutenant shirt. Like I was going to be like, oh, okay, let me put this back and swipe an iron over it. You fuck. Yeah.

It's crazy. That's from when I was a loo. You're using my captain's shirt. You can't break the illusion. You can't break the illusion. No, you got to just go with it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I can't.

Any of that stuff to just. Yeah, you can. You just go with it. You got to go with it. But he's too anal around the house. So I was in the middle of like my slut dance. And then he was like, that's a beautiful coffee table we got. Yeah.

Like when I have a woman in a headlock and I'm about to slam her head into the wall, I can't be like, are you okay with me doing this? I just have to do it. And then after she comes out of unconsciousness, I just, then we can discuss it. But. So you're Are you adding kids now? No

Are you gonna do more? Oh my god no You got four Are you going for more? No Giannis I mean Are you?

I'm probably going for one more I would have think so Now are you? Right now? Not yet My wife's not ready yet I'm ready Right

Cause I'm like Cause you don't have to get birthed Of course you're ready She's 32 Yeah Of course you're ready though Cause you don't have to birth it No Of course you're ready. She's 32. Of course you're ready, though, because you don't have to birth it. No, how old is the baby? Oh, the baby.

Oh, well, that could be my wife, too. I mean, that's why I answered your question. Oh, that baby. She's 14 months. She's so cute. I know, she's so cute. She's absurdly cute and happy looking. Yeah, she's very happy looking because she's around so cute. Yeah. She's absurdly cute and happy looking. Yeah. She's very happy looking because, you know, she's around normal people.

Right. I can always tell when I see your wife, like, and there's a picture of you and you're like out at like a pumpkin patch or something. I'm like, Giannis, you always look like you're like a little sweaty. You're like, all right, where do I stand or whatever? Your wife always looks like a pickle. I always feel like that too when I see her. I got to put, she makes me do stuff.

Yeah. I know. Well, you know, she's like, are you going to put on the Santa suit for Giannis Christmas? I'm like. I gotta put, she makes me do stuff. I know. She's like, are you gonna put on the Santa suit for Gianna's Christmas? I'm like, I guess I am. You're like, I can't wait. I've been dying to do this my whole life. She's got all these

loving, fun things that she had happened during her childhood that she's teaching me about. This is what kids like and i'm like i thought kids like being dragged to the movie reds and being ignored right right you know i thought it was i thought they like being controlled and you know too bad her mom is ugly yeah no her mom's a piece yeah her mother's hot mom's hot yeah yeah jesus that's good because you know

that it's not going to crack up, you know? Yeah, well, that's why I'm here. She keeps it tight. I want this boy to keep it together, yeah. Keep getting good. Look at the mom before you fucking fasten in. It's true. I know that's not guys.

I know the filth you guys say to each other. I mean, we're just fucking superficial trash men. You are. Yeah, we are. Humans. Because I think like you are. Yeah, you do. You got it. Yeah. She got we are. I mean, yeah. No, you are. No, we are because i think like you yeah you do you got it yeah she got we are i

mean yeah no you are no we are yeah well i'm disgusting i mean i have that side of me too yeah yeah guys are like they're deaf like this shit that i overhear from comics is just like appalling i mean truly like you fucking you deep deep animals i mean that's yeah i guys think like, you know, that really those quick like look, but you know, those things where they picture books. I feel like as soon as you see a woman, you're just fucking flipping around like a variety of different quick positions. Just like, yeah, you're just at the library, but getting a book for your daughter and somebody hands it to you and you're just really quickly like, ass fuck this kind of fun.

Just flipping around, fun loving. That's hilarious. Punishing. Is that true? Kind of. Yeah of yeah you know what's interesting rachel so many women will not accept that and don't see it and try to make it not real and it's like just accept it that's the way they think and who they are so fucking accept it and like figure out how to deal with it because you're not going to change how men are they do

that's you but you got to accept it to a certain point. It's like you can't. It's like anything. You know, you can't go too extreme. You can't be too understanding of it. Because the next thing you know, the guy's just like, my wife's cool. I'm going to fuck everybody. No.

You got to keep a leash on these fucking pigs. That's what I'm saying. Accept it and then figure out how to deal with it and work with it. But I'm saying don't think that it's just not going to be that way no it's the way because that is the way the brain their brain it's your brain is a mind yeah it's very it's very yeah it's very like it's very part you go parts you're just like like you just it's like looking at a steak you're going like oh this is ribeye yeah there's a strip yeah it's just how the brain like that's how nature has this program you know it's just a strip. Yeah. It's just how the brain, like, that's how nature has us programmed, you know, to just like. Animalistic. Yeah.

Just be animalistic. And just less fussy. Just less fussy about what we want to, you know, if we need to get revved up and ready, we're ready to go. You mean less. If there's a war or a famine and there's like, we're ready. You know, there's 99 women and one man. It's like, there's 99 women you need to fuck.

We're like, I'm ready. I'm ready to go. and one man it's like there's 99 women you need to fuck we're like i'm ready i'm ready to go you know it's evolution that kind of sex drive where you could just blast no not anymore and i never had like a normal i don't have a normal brain i'm not a guy who's just like simple and goes like you know i'm ready i'm jealous of those people of men and women like those people that are on like date nights in my shows. I didn't even. They're just like, date night. We went out to see the, you know, the raunchy jackal whore, you know. And I'm like, what an easy life.

Like they just go out and they see me, you know. Yeah. I don't have that. Yeah. Me either. I have like, I didn't even know it was okay to like, this is like an, this is great. But we're, yeah, we're being filthy.

And I like it. Yeah. But I didn't even know it was okay to jerk your own dick during... I always felt bad about touching my own dick during sex. I always felt like, oh, I don't want you to feel like you're not doing good. That makes sense. And then I found out guys were just like, yeah, and then I bent her down, and I just finished on her, and I'm like I I never did that I didn't I didn't know that was okay right how would you know I don't like that's the thing no right a lot

of guys maybe because I was always a little more like wanted her to be for it to be perfect like we're so attracted to each other my dick's just staying up yeah but I like I didn't know like it's sometimes you got to help it up and like guys do that all the time and that's fine and like the girl doesn't think that it's not her or something like that so here I am all this time putting all this

pressure on myself like even if I'm not like totally in it I'm like come on come on stay up you know like come on like I was like

hoping like come on don't don't you know and then if it goes down a little bit I'm like I'm gay I'm gay

I'm gay I'm gay meanwhile guys are just the whole time right they're doing it the whole time they're just like yeah take your panties off and just the whole time Right they're doing it The whole time They're just like Yeah take your panties off

And then the whole time They're just like jerking off While they're with her You know And I'm like You could do that I thought that was cheating But it's not cheating apparently

Cheating is hilarious Yeah I thought it was cheating I thought it was like I know I feel bad for guys a lot That was something really I thought to like yesterday I'm talking an absurdly amount Since yesterday Yeah I'm talking an absurdly amount of water. Since yesterday.

Yeah, I'm talking about like a year ago. Yeah. Until I was like, oh, you can like, you don't have to feel bad. Or if like you're not fully hard the whole time, you're not like a raging gay guy. I get it. But that's what's amazing. Isn't it crazy at our age is that we just find shit out and you're like, oh my God, I can't believe I just figured

that out at my age that happens to me a lot I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we were ignored and that's why we end up grabbing microphones and standing on stages and making silly faces and making voices because we need our parents to just say

hi oh you're here that whole it is a high though I mean you know we have some good fun in life to just say hi. Oh, you're here. Yep. That hole. It is a high though. I mean, you know, we have some good fun in life. Yeah. And look at us today. What the fuck are we doing?

We're great. We shouldn't be able to be talking all this kind of shit. No, yeah. Look at us. We're free. It's helping someone. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's... Somebody else went to, you know, sex rock therapy and they felt a little funny about it and I'm here to tell you Barbara came to my house too and if it made you feel ashamed it shouldn't have and you're okay there's some guy right now in here with panties on watching this going like okay maybe it's not

Giannis also put panties on at some point not panties I'm sorry uh pantyhose yeah yes there's someone else who cuts the inside of their mouth with chips with chips as well and it's okay everybody just know that it's a cutter on the inside. Everybody just know that it's okay. Whatever cocktail of things you've got going on. It really is like all okay. Yeah. It's all okay.

It's so fucking okay. Whatever you do is okay. Unless you're hurting someone. Yeah, unless you're hurting someone else. Why do people put such pressure on themselves to be like, why do people put such pressure on themselves to be like nobody doesn't do stuff that

if they said in a party who has these bullies have really ruined the world of course they have because they go like what you did that and meanwhile they're hiding some other shit that they do by the way I also want to say something important

you're only keeping secrets that you think are so major in your head that you blow up to such a big thing in your head that are so not major can really keep you in an insane place in your head. I killed a prostitute. Is that OK? Yes. It's OK. Tell the world. Is that okay? Yes. It's okay. What? Tell the world.

So if there's anyone out there who's listening, who has this secret that they think is so, I love that I just blew that off, who thinks it's so serious. I love that I'm doing a seminar all of a sudden. I push an old woman off the bridge, guys. But I really want to say this. I want to say this,

that you think is so major and so horrible and you're ashamed of, you can tell someone, and I bet it's not as bad as you think it is it's not and and tell someone because you're you're probably holding on to this thing that you think is so horrible and so embarrassing and it's probably nothing yeah and it's a sexual thing or it's a whatever it is like a lot of people are getting out of your fucking apartment get it out of your head and dumping chairs let it out it's a sexual thing or it's a whatever it is. A lot of people are laying around their fucking apartments. Yeah, get it out of your head and tell someone. Let it out.

I'm serious. I agree. To piggyback off that, I think even anything, even if it's like racism or sexism. That's what I mean. It's a secret. Let it out. And so then people can talk about it and let you know.

Or if you think Jews are shapeshifters or horns, say it. First of all, because it's hilarious and I want to hear it. And you could come over, you guys. You could feel my horns. You could touch them. You could see them. And then you could go and meet a Jew and realize that they're human. If you want to throw change at me, if you want to peg me in the head with quarters or pennies, I'm okay with it.

Well, don't hurt people. But, you know, unless they like, unless it's part of the sex thing. Yeah. I mean, I'm fine if you do that while I'm fingering myself. But it's really only at that time. But, guys, I've been around Jews. I've touched their heads. I've done the money test. I've done all those tests. The money test is amazing. I've done it all. And I'm telling you, they're just like us. Yeah, we are. Except we're much smarter. Much smarter, much more successful. Yeah.

Yeah. And the same thing with racism. If you say it, let it out. And so then people get really angry and go like, ah, you're fucking. And then they write you off. It's like, that's going to make him even more racist. You know? It's better for people to discuss their prejudices.

Let's get the yoga balls out. And then they can learn to think differently. I think if you're racist, say it in a place where there's a lot of people. Private party with your family. Well, no. I think you should say it in public in a place where there's a lot of people of color. I think that's where you really should yell it out and say it. That's the funnest place to do it.

Yeah. I think it's the safest place to do it. And film it. That needs to be filmed. Yeah. That should be a show where you know the guy's racist and you're like okay you have to now you have to say

and you just put him there yeah and whoever you're racist towards do it dressed up as that that group do it dressed up and yeah

show up with Rachel's mom and she'll tell you how to dress that way right right do it as that race and then I love that we added

like some sort of no but I mean like people are hammering each other for our flaws like some sort of no but i mean like people are hammering each other for our flaws like nobody's perfect no i do what if you had racist parents i'm not like is who who's the hero who's gonna grow up not racist with racist parents it takes a lot of courage i know like people need help you have to go talk shit out to get to get to a better way of thinking yeah but in all seriousness you know you i doesn't mean you can chase jews and feel all their horns because you know but i'm just mean you can chase Jews and feel all their horns because,

you know, but I'm just saying. You don't have to. I mean, if you really want to know, you can try. But please air it out. Please stop trying to hang your coats on my horns

because it's very, I don't, you know, they're not that strong where you can hang a fur coat or a strong coat. And they don't come out unless you show money.

That's when they come out. If you show me a $5 bill, it grows. So does my tail. You show me $100 and my tail comes right out. There are people who believe

that Hillary Clinton is a shape-shifting, baby-blood drinking pizza maker. Yeah. And I think that's because of repression because they don't get to talk to someone. Like really, let me talk to you in a sympathetic way.

Be like, okay, what do you believe? And not like judging and then be like, okay, let's go over that. Right. Let's go over those points and figure out which ones are even possible. In 99, when she and I scissored, I found her to be a very compassionate human being. Yeah, we scissored for about, yeah, 10 minutes.

And, you know, we had a really nice conversation. What is the chance that she's straight? That brought Jesse so much joy. That was like the biggest smile. If she's straight Then I am an anorexic Okay no chance I don't think she's straight

I don't think she's straight I mean I have never thought she was straight And it's fine whether she is or not But she has in my opinion This is just my opinion She does have dyke energy It's not about her looks or her way she dresses like i feel like she has lesbian energy like that energy and what

does that mean like just kind of um just like starving for puss just can't wait to shove her face in a fucking puddle Can't wait to shove her face in a fucking puddle. Yeah. She's calamari a little too passionately. Yeah. She just looks like she loves hummus. You know what I mean? She's just,

I don't know. It's a little too dry for her. I love that somebody should have given us the light a long time. At this point, we're in such strange terrain. This is an urban room right now. This is an urban room. We're running the light.

Yeah. I mean, I do. I don't know what you think about. I do. I do feel. I mean, maybe she's bi. Right. I don't know.

But I do think she does have that kind of. Like from Rachel, I feel no lesbian energy. No, there's no lesbian energy. You know what I'm saying? But like there are certain people that I feel some kind of. I want to hear about it. Who? Lesbian energy.

Who? B. Arthur. B. Arthur. Hillary. Hillary. Trump. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't feel any gay male energy from Trump. No, he's too straight. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Who do I feel gay? He's almost straight to the point where it's gay. It's like that's too straight.

Right. Yeah. You're grabbing. I grabbed her like a bitch. Definitely Joel Osteen. Oh, yeah. He is getting slammed. I think he would eat an ass like it's, he's going to jail.

He was too bad, right? I feel any guy, any guy that's like really piping mad about what the gays, there's a rule and God wrote a rule. It's because you want to just be slammed in your inner anus. Yeah. I think that anybody that's that furious, like, nope,

there's a right and a wrong. There's a hole and a place for it. Those are the people that just want, like they want triple the dick. They just want to be. Yeah. But is it almost work? Seven dicks in the room.

It's almost like, I used to think like, cause like a Catholic girls, that Catholic thing, I think part of the reason why it's so hot is because of how repressed they are and the way they're brought up. So it's like it's almost worth the horrible religious dogma for how hot the sex is when it happens

because they feel like it's so naughty. So isn't it a Catholic girl or for the one having sex with her? For the one having sex with her or which for the one having sex with her because she's so like yeah yeah yeah thirsty for it yeah right like you know it's like in there like i always liked uh i hope my wife doesn't watch this anymore i don't think she does irish italian puerto rican they brought up catholic so there's like a that's danielle irish italian i find it all so sexy i those crosses. Yeah, it fixes and all the smoke. I love it

It's all kind of shit. Yeah, I like my ex. I like the ones and the smoke and confessing I always want to be able to confess they still sniff me in there. I'm not allowed to I would I'm so jealous of confessing Yeah, Catholics all hate it and resent it. I would love to be able to go Confess in front of a little like a thick like velvet blanket it's so exciting i got things i want and i'm telling you it's cultural because like most of my girlfriends have been jewish like if i look back most of my long-term girlfriends have been jewish and we always like collaborate on the sex it's like very open and collaborative collaborative you know we're like it's like uh it's collaborative it's like a blanket you're weaving together.

Yeah. Like it's like. You want to lay down? Sure, I'll lay down. There's no shame in it. There's no like. Yeah. There's like feelings in it and stuff. Like, and then when you have sex with like a cat, the Catholic background, there's just

like a little, there's something hot about it. Cause it's like in their brain, they're like, this is the most, even the most vanilla sex is a little naughty. I know what you mean. It's like a little naughty. I totally get it. Whereas like when you're Jewish, you you're like your parents were therapists social workers this is a good expression healthy expression you're right you lick the penis that's what kids

do and you're like no tell me I'm bad yeah tell me I'm wrong I get naughty you're right yeah I get it totally I totally know what you're talking about well it's all like a scenario where you're not supposed to be doing something is always hot. Totally. My point is, isn't that like living a double life? It's always funny how cock crazy those closeted politicians are. They're cock crazy. Crazy.

Where they got like a wife and a family and they're like up there talking about family rights and then they just, they hit the cheapest, dirtiest motel they can find. Yeah. And they get the most meth out, and they just like, fuck. They fuck male prostitutes with so much-

Vigor. Vigor. That they're like, oh, fuck it, I need, you know, it's like,

they binge. It's like a, it's like an incredible binge. Yes. As opposed to just like, socially accepted, consistent, gay sex. Right. It's just not as like, Yes. As opposed to just like socially accepted, consistent gay sex. Right. It's just not as like, oh, this is bad.

Like an affair at the office or just meet up with some, I know. Yeah, it makes it hotter. So what I'm saying is be in the closet for the sex. Yeah, just be ashamed of being gay. That's what we're trying to say. I mean, how funny, the guy, what was he? He was the Democratic candidate for governor who ran against DeSantis. What was his name again?

Oh. I mean, that's just such a funny story. That was so. I mean. Oh, God. What was his name? So he has a family. He has a daughter and everything.

Yeah. And then he was just caught, passed out in a hotel room with a male prostitute. Oh, that was insane. And the pictures. You saw the pictures. Yeah. You're like, these guys are holding. Again and again. Yeah. And they pictures, you saw the pic, oh. Yeah, you're like, these guys are holding it. Again and again.

And they want to be, they also play this little cat and mouse game. They kind of want to be caught and spanked for their naughtiness because they'll be real loose with it. They'll just like DM somebody, leave like a long trail

of like dick pics with their face in it and like a thumbs up. I'm like, you're running for office, Carl. Fucking keep it together. Yeah. How about a whisper of secrecy?

You know, but they, it's like they want, they're alsocy? You know, but they want, they're also playing a naughty little game where they want to be like, family, family, family. And then they want to get caught and spanked. They want to be laid over some man's fucking lap and spanked for being a bad, bad little slut boy.

Yes. And it just shows you that nature is almost, always seeking like balance. Yeah. Because like if you go extreme in one way, me and Jesse once did one of the funniest things, one of our earliest projects we worked on like 15 years ago was this slaver size video

where we, it's dominatrix was trying to make like a workout video. Yeah. And she was doing it earnestly, but we filmed it like cracking up the entire time because real slaves would come by. Like a guy would get out of like a $300,000 Lexus and like put a mask on and then she would just like kick his balls and he would like work out and just Kick his balls and kick his god. She's like, yeah

He's like a billionaire and so it's like he's bossing people around in his real life Right comes and some dominatrix just kicks his balls Did he they the noise that they make when the balls – what was the guy's name? Shine? Shine. That noise when he would get whipped, that noise that would come out. It's just a noise that would make me laugh in such a deep, guttural place. So you just filmed that?

We filmed it. And they would work out and she would whip him. Wasn't it hard to watch him in pain? That's one thing. No, because they love it. He would get hard in his latex. Yeah, they love it. So confusing.

I understand a lot of like incredible to watch fantasies but the fantasy where you just want to get your balls fucking like lanced i don't understand i don't get it there's not like a sliver of me that gets it i wouldn't want to have my badge like thrashed or beaten about i don't get the pain of it but i get the point of like I I have this thing about like doing a stadium it's stand up in a stadium and then like getting off stage and being demeaned you feel the hotness of that

it's a balanced thing I think it does seem like those CEOs the most powerful people the people that are like getting everybody in line at the end of the day they do want to be laid over somebody's fucking lap and get that. Totally. They want to time out. Yeah.

Yeah. Time out. There's no way Justin Timberlake doesn't get pegged. That's zero percent. I agree. I get it. Zero percent. I get it.

Yes. If you're it is true. If you've got like a fucking major staff. Yeah. You're out there and you're like like and then you have one hot person in the green room yes no one knows everyone's outside of the room and you just get taken that's fucking hot yeah sorry it is it's true to me yeah they just fucking take you and then you go out hi everyone yeah wasn't that a great show And no one knows that that just happened. You're right.

That is so hot to me. Yeah. I wonder if that's true with like those like PTA moms that are just like, you know, I'm a seasonal decorator and everything's just great. And then they just want to like go home and have their fucking screen time taken away and get a stiff, stiff spank.

The more, yeah, I think the, there's two things I've noticed. The more extreme someone is, the opposite is happening. Yeah. That's just nature. Yeah.

And then the more together someone tries to appear, like the more devious they are. Yeah, I agree with you. Because I'm like a quaking mess. That's true. A hundred percent of the time I found that to be true. I agree with you completely. I'm thinking about it. You can just assume if someone comes along, like, I're great you know yeah you know you always like that makes

me feel so much better oh a hundred percent of the time yeah because most days I'm like covered in debris like I bring a huge confusing sack with me everywhere that's kind of rancid people clean me throughout the day people are very comfortable cleaning me. I do get cleaned. I rely on that service because I always leave with something on me and I'm like, somebody will take it off at some point.

Somebody will clean me. That's society. I rely on society to clean me. And scold me. I thought you would reach an age and you stop getting scolded. I get scolded constantly. Everywhere I am,

people are like, no, no. You're not supposed to touch that. They know I have a scoldable face i'm in the grocery store and somebody goes not the pears no you have an energy it wants to get scolded very scoldable energy people are always putting me in line they're like rachel uh-uh she's no screen time and you're gonna lose your movie with zachary you wanted to go to the movies

while you just lost it and that's what's so uh that's what's so transparent about these times that we live in where everyone's kind of has an avatar personality we're trying to be perfect it's like that's like a sociopath's playground I mean think about it the worst people don't show up and announce that they're the worst people yeah they pretend to be the opposite yeah I mean that's what people think he's so nice he's so likable he's Yeah. I mean, that's what people say. He's so nice. He's so likable. He's so fun. I'm like, what's he hiding?

Yeah, under that fun-loving Halloween costume, you're absolutely right. Yeah. It's like, what's... He's so... Who did he touch? Everyone loves him. Hmm.

Yeah. That's suspicious. I realize I have the worst read of character because I buy it. I really do. You do. I'll meet somebody and I'll be like, she's so lovely. I'm like... She's a killer. I always do. I'll meet somebody and I'll be like, she's so lovely, she's a killer.

I always say that to you. Jessica's like, you know she's freshly killed. She's incarcerated right now because she's killed a few people. I will put people up at an instant pedestal. I don't. The nicer someone is, the more skeptical I am. Yep, me too.

I'm always going like, why? Because why are you trying to come off as so great? Why are you trying to be perfect? What are you hiding? It's always there's something being hidden. Always. Not 50% of the time. Always.

When someone's like honest and a little like, oh, I liked what he said here, but I didn't like what he said here and I liked what he said here. You're like, oh, that's a full person. And in this era, you can't be a full person. You're like, oh, that's a full person. Yeah. And in this era, you can't be a full person. You said one thing three years ago that someone didn't like, that becomes who you are to them. I can't stand that. Because they don't know you.

And that's the world we live in. It's dangerous. It's a social credit system where it's like, oh, wait, this person tweeted this. That's sick. Or this person said this. He's like a communist. The concerning part to me, though, is that that breeds secrecy. And that's why these like

hate groups and things like that I think it's part of the reason why that's growing because when you're not allowed to express anything dark and have a place to process it then you're just gonna go secretly grow it in a little fucking clancy cave exactly which comic you know that's filthy on stage like like

filthy and dark ended up you found out in real life he was doing something bad no it's always and i've been on the road for years featuring for these guys vince champ and let me tell you the guy clean fucking like let's be honest those are the guys because i've been on the road with them featuring for years and it's always the guy that's like don't you can't say these words on stage it's the family squeaky clean guy you gotta it's being a naughty they're the ones that you get the secret heads up for watch out for this one it's the family squeaky clean guy you gotta it's being a naughty they're the ones that you get the secret heads up for watch out for this one it's always the guy with the family

Christian yeah and that's why I was always uh yeah I was always skeptical of authority that's why I have a problem with authority that's why like you know this is my dream to just I've always been like fuck you fuck you fuck you yeah myself do myself, do it myself, do it myself. Because I'm like, you're full of shit. Too much. Too much. I was the kid in Sunday school when they said, the Sunday school teacher was like, you don't believe in God, do you?

And I was like, you're going to have to make a better argument. Because so far you're telling me to color on a cloud and there's a baby Jesus there. I've been in a plane. Where is he? You're going to have to make a better argument. Yeah. Parents, religious,

were you brought up religious, Yanni? They tried to like culturally, it was like they did that thing where like they were trying to push it on me, but they were both like clearly agnostic. Yeah. But they were like sending me there, but they were,

and so I had to suffer and go to Sunday school because they, but they were just there to win business because they were like lawyers and like networking in the community with other Greeks. But like I was there having to sit through Sunday school, be an altar boy, you know, watch the Archbishop.

That's what I learned at a very early age that like, oh, Shakespeare's right, the world's a stage. Cause like I remember the Archbishop who was like, I guess he was a great guy. Maybe he was under, I don't know, a lot of pressure to put on a show like that, you know? But like he'd go out there and like everyone would be fucking and then he'd go back and he'd like smack your hand

If you fucked up and he he'd uh imperiously just hold his arms out like four deacons has changed his gold robes Gold they were made of fucking gold with a gold hat And then he would go out there and talk about how you got to be humble and nice and sweet I'm, like you're dressed in fucking drip like a god damn fucking rapper and then you go out and preach humility I'm like what the fuck yeah same with our rabbi bullshit on this yeah the robe I didn't know there was a golden robe

I mean yeah Greek Orthodox Church I mean they don't fuck kids so thumbs up there but isn't that a fucking low standard isn't that a low standard like at least we don't fuck children but I mean it's like yeah they put on gold hats you go to catholic it's like everything's adorned in gold oh yeah marble and i'm like where the fuck did in in the in the literature does it say this it's not like that

is what it says i mean what the yeah can someone call bullshit on this we differ with jews right we just not that it's not that it's not that no that's why i love jews you guys you're like yeah Can someone call bullshit on this? We differ with Jews, right? We just crop up some phlegm. It's not that. No, that's why I love Jews. You guys are like humble, sickly, and have allergies. It's not that extreme. We're more like translucent and phlegmy. Yeah.

Well, you guys don't have a hell, right? A lot of skid marks. Yeah, you don't have a hell. We kind of skip over hell. I've asked some hard questions. Everybody's like, we'll circle back. Let's have a snack. Yeah, we just want to eat.

I do like the Jewish customs. Like after somebody dies, you sit shiva. People bring food over, you snack, and you complain a little bit. I think it's lovely. Yeah. But our rabbi had a lot of money. But there's not a lot of gold and all that kind of shit. No.

It's not a lot at temple. That's for sure. No. The Jewish religion is actually kind of, and it's like a little more realistic. that's for sure no the jewish religion is actually kind of and it's like a little more realistic it is there's no heaven no hell i think ari was explaining it to me and i was i tuned out but but it's something like you got it's a little more cynical than i was like i like that it's a little more realistic it is i believe in maybe there's something more of course but i do too

can we just honestly say nobody knows can we we just go, I don't know? Of course. Yeah, I mean, like, if I ask somebody, what's 100,000 times 300,003, and they can't answer that? And then, but he goes, there's a God, and I speak to him, and he knows what, he told me what we need to do.

I'm like, if you can't even answer that math question, how am I supposed to believe you know what the fuck is going on with the universe, my guy? You're full of shit. No, I believe in kind of everything. I feel like if there's a... You're naive. I could get you to do anything. I could get you to do anything.

It's great. I'm open. I'm open for anything. You're open. I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, why not? Look at my dumb fucking renaissance blouse. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I come here dressing like a lord? What is the fuck? Why am I dressed like a lord today?

I look unacceptable. I always do this. Do you have a turquoise head? I take a risk and I'm dressed like a fucking pirate. What the fuck? A pirate. I look like I'm out to gather fucking herbs to make medicine. You do.

You're looking very like a bucolic. That is so funny what you just said. I look like I'm out to gather fucking herbs to make medicine. You do. You're looking very like a bucolic. That is so funny what you just said. I look like I'm about to go. Yeah. Why are you wearing like a 17th century French? What the fuck is going on with you guys? I got some fucking. I really do look like a fucking old school lord that's about to go make some fucking medicines to cure a man.

Like a soldier just was laid on my bed and I had to gather some lavender to fix his wounds or some shit. I always do this. I take a risk and then I go out feeling like a goddamn clown. I've been very distracted by this unacceptable blouse I'm wearing. Have you been thinking about it?

Yes, I've been trying to deal with the sleeves like fucking looming around. I look ridiculous. I look like my rape rock therapist. Yeah, you're dressed like Mozart. You see, the thing about you is like, yeah, you're always experimenting because your parents taught you to experiment. So you're always experimenting.

Like, you haven't picked a look. Like, Jessica has picked a look. Jessica looks like she's about to walk on stage and grab a bass with a heavy metal bass. It's like, on the way to stage to perform with that. I'm always in black. I'm just a fucking miserable. I'm circling right back to the beginning.

That's the first thing I said. And it's one of the last things I'll say. I am a miserable fuck. I'm dressed like a founding father with like Reeboks. I don't know what the fuck. Sorry, it's going on with me.

You're confused. There are. I'm wearing some action Reeboks and I'm dressed like I'm fucking going to a revolutionary war or something. It's not acceptable. I look like a candle. I'm miserable. Look at me. Yeah, you look like the leader of the

goth kids. You just look like the leader. I look like a big piece of feces. Yeah, with can't like if it's that black, you have to see a doctor. I look like I'm desperately trying to look younger. We all are.

I mean, look at me. I'm in my 40s. I got sneakers on. I dressed the same way when I was 12. I'm always trying to appeal to every guy's type in one outfit. I realize that's the thing. Because you know what my type is? I like that emotionally unavailable guy.

Like the football coach that's pacing angry on the side of a field. Yeah. That's my type. The guy's like, ah! He's like pissed his team is losing. I'm like, want me. Like the most unavailable man you could possibly. That angry, kind of dead-eyed coach that's pacing.

He's thinking about the game while you want to talk. That's why you're wearing the Renaissance? Yes, I think so. I think that's why I'm'm trying to get his attention. He's thinking about the game while you want things, you want to talk. That's why you're wearing the Renaissance? Yes, I think so. I think that's why I'm dressed like a fucking... You think that's what he's into? A football coach would look at that? No, I think I'm just dressing in this medieval times look because I want to get attention somehow.

I don't know. This is obviously a time for help. Did you ride a horse here? I look like I should have a fucking flame in my hand This is unacceptable You do look like you should be like Yeah out of piano or on a horse God damn it you guys

I do look like fucking Mozart Fuck You look like you have limited options of clothes And you put together what you have That is how I always dress Like I'm fleeing an abusive relationship Yeah it looks like you just Don't I look like a guy just hit me and I put on these three things?

You look like you're staying in a hotel and you took what you could. A guy just clocked me. You look like you went to Goodwill. Yes. You look like you went to Goodwill and you just, what you could afford, you grabbed. You know, in domestic violence shelters shelters They have these little clothing Where people donate And then they make it like a store

So you can pretend you're real In real life While you're hiding from Tony Or whatever I look like the three things you grabbed You look like you saw People selling clothes on the way here Yeah

Outside And you grabbed a couple You know You look like you spilled wine On the shirt you were originally wearing That matched that outfit. And then I just gave you a shirt. Oh, my God.

You're absolutely right. And my shirt was like a costume from a sketch we did last week. You're like, here, we did this with a character piece, maybe. It was your aunt from 1920. Yeah, it's like, I think that's my mom from the 70s. It's better than red wine. You know that I've done that before, too, because the thing is, I can't make a choice. It's my mom from the 70s. It's better than red wine. You know that I've done that before too because the thing is I can't make a choice.

It's my ADD. I can't choose. I just choose whatever somebody chooses next to me. I'm so codependent. I don't have likes or dislikes. I like what the other person ordered. The band here. The band is really confusing, you guys.

It's really confusing, yeah. What the fuck is going on with me? Yeah, I mean it's like a- It looks like a fitted match. It looks like it's supposed to be a full, like, communion dress, and you cut it. It does look like a fitted sheet. It looks like a fitted sheet. God damn it.

I'm burning this. Where'd you get that? Fucking made one hour ago. That's a neon. She actually made it from a sheet. From a fitted sheet. And a green gable. Yeah.

Fuck you. I got it in fucking my sister little woman. This is when she dyed it. All right, the one with the scarlet. I look like I have, this is a shirt you wear to dye a scarlet fever in. This is the good scarlet fever blouse. Oh my God, I'm crying.

Here's the deal guys. These are two of the funniest human beings on the planet. Okay, they're actually really funny. They're, you know, they have flaws like humans have. They don't mind talking about them for your enjoyment, your pleasure, which is what real comedy is.

You are two of the funniest people on the planet. You're two of my favorite funniest people. So are you, Yannis. You guys are like hysterical people. You make me laugh genuinely. And so just please go check them out. Go follow them online and of course go watch them live

which is the best. That's the best. Yeah, you can get our album, Call Girls, everywhere you can get albums like Spotify, I don't know where the fuck else. Call Girls. YouPorn, whatever. I'll ask Jessica because I don't believe you know where it can be gotten. I don't know. Anywhere you can be gotten you can find out you know

like iTunes, Pandora, Spotify all of it get it where I got this shirt anywhere you can get it from a homeless woman you can get it from Yanis's draw you can get it from his mom's you know

garbage you can get that and match it with rebox and follow us on instagram if you see want to see more of this fucking revolutionary war outfit in my stories today all right i'll be fucking eye casting from the revolutionary war tonight rachel feinstein underscores my instagram yeah rachel-feinstein.com is my website jessica what's all your stuff? At Jessie Kersen on Instagram. Jessica Kersen on TikTok. And JessicaKersen.com is where all my dates come from. And if you follow us, we will mound out on Instagram Live.

Yeah, we'll mound out on Instagram. Call girls. Go pick it up. I'm sure it's hilarious. They do. You want to see more of me motorboating, Jessie? Yeah. Is it the person that has the cans that does the motorboating?

No, I'm motorboating. You're motorboating. I always forget that. You just facilitate. I facilitate. You're a facilitator. You hold them in a manner in which someone could. Can you change the shirt?

Do you want me to give you a t-shirt? Could you wear anything else? I'm dressed like a fucking midwife in the 1920s. What the fuck? You're dressed like busy. This is what an old man wears to die. You're dressed like busy parents getting their kid ready for school and they just grab what they see and put it on and get you to school.

I'd rather you wear a Nazi uniform. At least it would be coordinated. At least it would match. I'd rather motorboat you in a Nazi uniform. What kind of fucking outlander shit is going on with me today? God damn it. Yeah, that shirt is fun.

I love you. So check them out. Thank you, guys. I love you, Yonitz. We love you, Y them out thank you guys i love you y'all love you yannis love you