Yannis Pappas Hour - SoderPap with Dan Soder - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Episode 30

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

You might know him from Showtime’s hit Billions. You might know him from his Comedy Central Stand Up Specials. You might know him from The Bonfire on Sirius XM. You might know him from Aurora, Colorado or Arizona where he was roommates with a drug dealer from Long Island. Soder & Pap are your new favorite buddy cop poddy team and here they regal you with stories from Soder’s past, comedy road stories from the past together and a few funny Nate Bargatze road stories and much much more.   For an additional bonus episode every week and more Yantent, click here and support the show: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Saturday at 9 PM est. to youtube and podcast audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram!   Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis Pappas   Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Down as poppers, yeah When you all talked up and the day been long And the news online going on and on What's right and wrong and there's something up Now here comes a great kid you know you can trust From the truth to the news and cameras To the fake politics and the propaganda Yeah this kid's screwed in, got a lot to say

Aw shit, it's about to be a long day It's a long day, it's a long day What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days. I am Yanni and over here sitting to my left, your right, is Thunder Dan Soar. It'd be cooler if Dan Marley was here. Yeah, it'd be great, yeah. If it was a pan over and it was Dan Marley. And you put your leg over so I felt like I had to match it. I was like, you just look like the schmucks sitting there.

We look like a guy and a girl sitting having a date. Yeah. I sit like a girl. You're sitting like a guy. This just gives away that my dick is malleable enough that I can squash it. You got Play-Doh dick. You can move it around. Yeah. It's a small.

It's small. This is a dad triangle yeah that just means you got junk in the trunk i can't smush my boys yeah but i do sometimes oh yeah when you get there when i'm yeah when i'm feeling like this feels like i'm talking about the art the craft of comedy yeah well this feels like i'm telling you about my my kid that might not uh make it into high school without repeating eighth grade. I go, well, his mother's dumb, so we figured this was going to happen eventually in grades six through eight.

And there's always a couple of things you can tell about people sitting like that. The person who sits like this often will shake their foot. I feel like they're lying when they shake their foot. Yeah, my... And I think, like you said, if somebody does this... Pretentious.

Pretentious. Yeah, that activates the pretentious part of your brain my mom's boyfriend that i hated would sit like this and he'd flip his foot flop slap it against his foot so to me that's the sign of a real piece of shit when you said that i could almost hear the flop hitting his foot yeah and what's cool is i knew my mom and him were starting to break up when she would snap on that i'd be like yes so would that start to annoy her yeah she'd be like joe could you not yeah and he'd be like what and then i'd be like i'd be sitting there i'm like we're headed there we're headed there get him out get him lock him up lock him up and then when he left he did he leave in flip-flops and then those are the last noises you like that

noise just followed you when you hear that noise do you noise, do you have like a Vietnam flashback? I don't want to watch UConn's women's basketball. I'm not an R word. I'm not an R word. I'm not. I'm smart. I might not be a smart man, but I know what love is. So he gave you a lot of confidence because he used to build you up and call you smart.

He used to call you a genius and things like that. Yeah, so what would happen is I'd be at dinner, which I still do now. He gave you a lot of confidence because he used to build you up and call you smart. He used to call you a genius and things like that. Yeah. So what would happen was I'd be at dinner and I would, which I still do now. Did he have like a stepdad name? Joe. Joe. Yeah. Joe's a good one.

I mean, I talk about it on stage, but he was my dad's ex-best friend. And he was like, they'd come in. Wait a second. Hold up. Don't you kid. He's my godfather. He was your godfather. He was my godfather. So he was your godfatherfather he was your dad's ex-best friend yeah and and just he slid in there yeah so they how long after oh like eight years i mean not not listen it's never cool it's never cool

never cool was he just like at first did you first he was over talking with your mom about your dad and then you know we moved him from connecticut to colorado because for some reason my mom and i were like sitting around it was the summer of the 96 olympic games and i was like oh you should joe and his wife were my parents friends obviously my godfather right i was like when's the last time you talked to joe and lynn and my mom was like oh shit since like 89 and i was like call him up and i did it to myself i was like you should see how joe's doing so my mom called joe he was divorced my mom was single they were talking and then my mom we were looking for a roommate so my mom's like how'd you feel about joe but you guys were looking for a roommate yeah yeah there was like this one time and my mom's you know we were like

we need the help right it'll help out we'll have a roommate i love the fact that you were just like an eight-year-old kid i was uh i was like 12 brainstorming revenue options streaming revenue i want to put her on an only fans now you're like wait mom have you thought about this mom i'm gonna toss this out there what if i get some spider coderco knives? We go door to door. I sell it. If you get three people, maybe my mom just pushing magazine subscriptions. Marie Claire has got a brand new deal for you. It's 14 issues.

So you ended up, you were trying to figure out how to rent one of the rooms out. I liked Joe. Yeah. Because I only knew him as like my dad's friend. No eight-year-old should have to think this stuff through again i was 12 you were 12 sorry about that you were an adult i apologize honestly

with eight it would be more acceptable because it's pie-eyed and it's like dad's friend 12 you're like all right kid what are you doing you put yourself in harb's way yeah i don't know how they i don't know how they consider uh when they consider adulthood in the midwest but 12 i think is pretty young. Colorado laws. 100 years ago, I would have had to have had my own farm by then. Yeah, you probably would have. Yeah, you would have had to lead a storm on an Indian tribe. They go, if you can't drive cattle, why are you here?

Damn it, Dan. So Joe, you meet. So you hook your mom and Joe up unintentionally. Completely unintentionally. Yeah. And it ends up being the worst. Did he at least pay a little rent for a little bit in that room? Yeah,. Completely unintentionally. Yeah. And it ends up being the worst. Did he at least pay a little rent for a little bit in that room?

Yeah, they faked it. Yeah. And then there became a time where it was like a rainstorm and I went to piss. And I remember it was like really storming outside and the lightning struck

and I saw that his door was open, like a haunted, like a scary movie. And I noticed his door was open and I was like, I'll shut Joe's door. And I like looked in and he wasn't in his bed and I was like, damn. I immediately knew and I was like, I'll shut Joe's door. And I looked in and he wasn't in his bed.

And I was like, damn. I immediately knew. I was like, damn. Did he play it off for a while? I gave it a couple days and then finally with my mom, I was like, so Joe's sleeping in your room? And she was like, oh, we were going to tell you. And you're like, all right, all right. And it was just like, you know, he had never had kids.

He didn't know. Did he play it off for a while like he came out of a room naked? He was like, all right, all right. And it was just like, you know, he had never had kids. He didn't know. And he played over a while like he came out of a room naked. He was like, oh, sorry. I was fixing the air conditioner. It was crazy. Your mother was trapped under a boulder. And I had to get her out. And you're like, okay, cool.

Yeah. No, no. Once I knew, I was like, all right. And then everything was starting. Again, it was still so stupid. I didn't put it together that it was going to turn terrible. Right. But yeah, then it's like you have no control of the situation then all of a sudden my ranking got dropped when he was a roommate we were evil we were even ranking you could go to his room and be like hey yeah hey joe you're using a little too much hot water buddy i come in with a tool belt

right i mean it fixed that thing that you said downstairs it's like oh it's a little too much hot water, buddy. I come in with a tool belt. I'm here to fix that thing that you said downstairs. It's like, oh, it's a little bit of some of the ceilings falling off. I'm having super conversations. I go, yeah, lady owns this building. These are real bits. Just busting my ass about my grades.

And then it turned into a... Time for you to go to your room, Dan my grades and then it turned into uh and then it turned into time for you to go to your room dan yeah then it became then it became them getting hammered and then at dinner them letting some real loose opinions of me go to your room dad wait a second i'm your boss and he goes i'm fucking your mom i know well i'm fucking your mom i'm kind of your dad now and once that happened he just started, my mom hated my dad. Right. So once they started dating, it became like a constant roast of my dad that wasn't around. Oh.

So just all the time, they're like, what a loser. And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, yeah, he's kind of cool. I look in the other room, I'm like, he's funny. Yeah. So not only did this guy go from a roommate to your kind of stepdad i mean full-on they didn't get married but straight up acting like a stepdad you had to think about them in that room talking about your dad oh i just hear it yeah you would hear they do it in front of you in front of me thank you fuck put a couple pint glasses of screwdrivers back

you start letting it be known what you think of your ex-husband. Yeah. Screwdrivers is a real drinker's drink. It's fucking alcoholic. Vodka and orange juice. It's the quick fix. You're not supposed to have a mass supply of a quick fix. Right, right, right.

Vodka and orange juice is the least creative drink. Yes. Nobody goes to a bar and orders a Screwdriver. Both my parents. My mom didn't drink screwdrivers joe's drink my mom drank a southern comfort southern comfort manhattan on the rocks that was her drink she made herself a cocktail i learned how to joel just went like i learned how to joel just dumped vodka and then he went and got the minute man you're like hey that's me in

the morning he's like no it's not and it's tropicana yeah no yeah we'll get some with some pulp make you a real man we got some powdered tang for you you get some crystal light you pussy but he my dad would drink rum and cokes which is another super alcoholic drink yeah and mostly rum yeah yeah it was opaque yeah it's um it's a working class alcoholics drink it It's like, I can get this consistently with not a lot of money. Yeah, yeah. That's, I think, like the high class alcoholics or the rich alcoholics.

Joe used to drink Barton's vodka. That's like fucking what nice restaurants use to detail silverware. Yeah. I always, yeah. I would figure the working class alcoholic, you're gonna have a lot of vodka in plastic bottles. Yes, Barton's.

Look up Barton's. I still know that fucking dumb black and red with the i think it's like an eagle on it barton's vodka yeah barton's whiskey looks too nice it's what uh there it is yeah that's a lower income a lower income alcohol you can get a 175 for 22.99 oh she's getting one for 12.99 yeah that's plastic by the way yeah yeah i'll tell you right now that fucking bottle dude i didn't know my parent i didn't know my mom and like i didn't know i was around alcoholics until high school when uh when your dad died that was well you know yeah your dad died of cirrhosis you kind of get a clue i want to say middle school

in like freshman year we had a recycling bin right out the door of my garage, which in the suburbs, you come and go through the garage. I'm aware of that now because I'm a country boy. You're a country boy. I'm a country boy. When you grow up in the suburbs, you come in through the garage door and you leave through the garage door.

So our recycling bin was right outside the garage door. I remember, I think it was my friend Garapay was like, damn dude, how many 175s you got in the recycling bin? And I went and looked and I was like, a lot. It was like three SoCo 175s and like four Bartons. Right, that was before recycling though. So you could just throw that in with the regular trash. That was when recycling started.

So that's when you started seeing the evidence. So you just walked over like a Chinese woman, just with a dumbbell full of fucking bottles. I swear to God, if we lived in New York, we would have had an infestation of people digging through our fucking bottles. It was that much money. It was like, it was that much plastic bottles.

It was crazy. There would just be a line of old Chinese people waiting. It was alarming. And then Pepsi cans sprinkled for me. Yeah. A lot of people are wondering why I'm saying Chinese people. In New York, they have cornered that market.

It's unbelievable. They're incredible at it. It's unbelievable. Go to any key food or C market and just go to where they turn in for the money. You'll just see mountains of bags. They really do it

and sometimes they're very creative with how they carry it. Yeah. I've seen women with like a wood stick with like three or four attached on each side and she'll just be walking with it pushing a cart that's full of bottles that's new york crossfit yeah enough to feed your family and plastic on your back that's your wand it's your workout of the day yeah i mean they do it they're asians uh they gravitate towards that and they gravitate towards casinos they love gambling man they also though are the greatest if you get an asian dealer they're gonna fuck your shit up now you know a lot

about that because you you got you dealt drugs you did drugs and you got robbed by a drug dealer yeah i didn't there you played all the parts in that movie i didn't really ever deal drugs i lived with a drug i lived with a guy that sold weed right it's like weird to call him a drug dealer right you watched the house i was like the guy on the couch you were playing the video games with the drug dealer in between i was the lobby right while amir while amir was gonna get you a coffee or drink yeah well he would i would load the bubbler we'd play like some you know home run derby on playstation 2 yeah and i was funny yeah so i was like the secretary yeah mr amir is weighing out your quarter pound honey take a seat is this your first time buying from him? You know, it comes from Victoria, British Columbia.

Yeah, that's all I did. I love that. And then occasionally he was such a dick to me. And we were friends, but he was like a dick. He was very Long Island. So he was a dick. Oh, he's from Long Island? Yeah.

Fucking Long Island kids. And he would be like, yo, I'll give you an eighth for like $40. Like that was the discount he was getting. But he had five pounds of weed in his room right so he would leave and i'd just go way out an eighth and then sell it to someone at the radio station keep the 50 so i had drinking money and then i'd take a quarter so you did a little drug dealing yeah sure yeah yeah you helped him out yeah yeah oh for sure i definitely helped him out because it benefited me. Right, right, right. But I never wanted to be like,

dude, when we got robbed, the guy that he got his weed from showed up and he, I don't know if I ever told you this, he looked like Napoleon Dynamite, but he carried a Desert Eagle on him. No. I was just talking to my friend Mike about this.

Yeah. When I did a show in Jersey because my friend Mike, who knew all these people, was like, yeah, dude. And this was at university of arizona that was in tucson yeah guy would always have a fucking desert eagle in his his you know back waist or whatever and he looked like a dork and then my roommate was like yeah i wouldn't fuck with him he's fucking crazy but when we got robbed he called him to be like yeah because i think half the weight was on front so he had like what

does that mean like they he fronted him the weed so you pay me after you sell right right right so half it got you know so amir had to make a tough call right he's like yo we got robbed right and then the guy's like i'm gonna send someone over so they don't come back in case they're gonna come back and this fucking giant truck came in our back. We lived off a dirt road off like a mountain and Elm. If you know Tucson, we lived off mountain and Elm. I don't know Tucson. But someone's going to listen to this

and they're going to be like, oh fuck. That dirt road, you know, that's where they drove away. They took my car and they drove away. And I'm like, I don't know.

They took the keys from the house. Oh dude, I was hog tied in the living room for 20 minutes. When a dude hog ties you, you're very nice about it. He was nice about it? No, no, no.

I was nice to him about it. You offered your hands. Yeah, if you watch, if you watch, I did the story as a bit on this is not happening. That's pretty much the 100% truth.

Right. Where like the dude pulled a gun on me and I was very like, what's up? What do you need? What do you, because it's, I'm not going to. I've had a gun pulled up. Yeah, you got shot.

You turn into, yeah, not to continue. Customer service. Yeah, you are just customer service. How can I help you? How can I help you? What would you like? Yeah, please, you know. Oh my God, you have a gun.

I didn't know you were a gun carrying member. I'm Dan. I'm going gonna lay down i'm very docile i'm like a feigning goat yeah you you are aware you were gonna be yelp reviewed but the whiteness in me came out because i was starting to get annoyed because he kept being like he was fucking with me like he wasn't cool about it you started to complain about it you're like come on sir yeah you start breathing enough carpet after a while. And he's like, where's the fuck? He was like a cholo.

Yeah. Where's the fucking money, white boy? Where's the fucking money? He's like, where's the money, white boy? And I'm like, I don't know. And I started getting huffy. I get huffy. That's how my mom gets.

Sir, I told you. But when you're raised. I don't work here. Yeah. When you're raised by a white lady, and only a white lady, you get that. Right. You get that like um i was told that i and so i'm fucking right because your dad's not around to be like

son some people don't have a man to be there to be like shut up you sound like a bitch yeah he's got a gun he's robbing you and this dude was like a pro he was a pro this wasn't like hey man fucking get down on the ground the guy was like what's like that cold you've been around dangerous people yeah they have a very like i'm not scared of this there's no warmth there's no more yeah very cold you feel alone yes you feel very alone so immediately i'm like guy you call So yeah, he put me in wrist restraints behind my back and then duct taped my feet together. So he didn't get legs to, not a true, from Colorado.

It ain't a true home tag. Son, let me show you where you're going wrong. Did you ever go like, hey, I'm not going to cause any problems. You don't really need to do this. I can just sit on the couch. I can just sit. When I saw how professional he was, I was like, oh, just shut the fuck up let him it's like oh it's like a wasp you're like just let him go away right like it's like flying around you it's like if i

interfere it's gonna make things 10 times worse right and he busted out a big duffel bag like an army duffel bag immediately and just cleared my dvds and my playstation 2 games and was like going around the house he took my bubbler threw it 2 games and was like going around the house. He took my bubbler, threw it in there. He was like, whatever looked expensive. Well, jokes on him because those things were only valuable for a couple more years. Suck my dick. It's all downloadable now, you idiot.

The guy was just like, I don't give a fuck. I was a college white boy. This was easy pickings for him yeah and i was i wasn't gonna make it hard for him right right all i wanted to do was smoke a cigarette where was the other guy so when we left which i detail it in the in the story where was mr long island yo so i build it up in the bit but it's true i went to the bank to do laundry i turned ten dollars into

ten dollars and quarters because i was going to go to our old apartment bank to do laundry. I turned $10 into $10 and quarters because I was going to go to our old apartment complex to do laundry. I just went to Wells Fargo, and I gave them $10, and they gave me $10 and quarters. Oh, not even the machine. You spoke to a person.

I had to go to get it because it was too much. It was like $10, and I had six loads of laundry in my car. Right. First of all, I just got to say, I love this era in life. It sucked. This era in life is just like- A phone could have taken care of everything. Yeah, but just got to say, I love this era in life. It sucked. This era in life is just like-

A phone could have taken care of everything. Yeah, but you're also like, you're in between childhood and adulthood. You're not thinking about goals or what you're going to do. You're just living with a drug dealer. I just started doing standup. Just started doing comedy. You were banging some woman. Five.

Yeah, you were banging that woman who used to put the songs in the car. Oh, sweet Dawn from. Sweet Dawn from Tucson. Dawn from Tucson. And I wasn't banging her. No. She was an older lady. Yeah. And we would, you know.

There are no young Dawns. Yeah. Dawn, you're born at 35. She, man, she was just a lady that liked rock and roll and would blow me for CDs. And, whew. Holy shit, dude. That was wild yeah yeah i i feel like if i would have messed around with her too much i might have been killed by like a trucker right like i think that's kind of where it would have happened she would blow you on the side of the road sometimes behind an auto zone yeah

you've come a long way that was trash so uh so i had the quarters and then amir called me and he's like yo come over here there's like i do this i do this face yeah it's because that's what but that's what amir does if anyone knows him i'm not gonna give his last name i'm not gonna blow up his shit but like when he gets nervous he's like yo you mad at me like when he knows he does something wrong his eye crinks yeah and so my one of my best friends mark that's always our impression of him was like yo soda yeah you mad at me i think when someone says are you mad at me they did something wrong because i was watching this documentary about that guy who's the husband of the real housewives beverly hills oh the guy

that took all the settlement money and that's what he would call his clients he was stealing their money and he called him be like what's wrong are you mad at me and it's like think about that yeah that's actually a really good point because when people are like what's up baby yeah are you mad at me he just came back from it's like why are you guilty of something why would i be mad at you just fucking a stripper yeah like what hey baby are you mad at me that i'm stealing your life insurance money i'm pretty pissed yeah um so he called you up but he's like hey come by there's some shady guys outside just drive around and see if they're like out there that's what i did yeah and i pulled up and it was this tall white dude with like covered in tattoos and this short cholo and i was like what's up guys and

they're like what's up is tommy green live around here that's what they said that's exactly the name yeah they go tommy green live around here i go no i know tommy's living around here and they're like all right thanks man and they walked away i went upstairs i was playing fight night round two on playstation 2 it's like 45 minutes later smoking weed amir's like yo i'm gonna do the deal he's like uh he's gonna meet me outside so yo you want to walk me outside i was like what do you mean and he's like yo like walk me to the car and he convinced me amir amir is very smart yeah so he's very good at talking people into shit yeah and i want to please everybody right right so he's like why don't you put the gun in your waistband and you can walk me to the car.

And that way, the way he explained it was like, if they have a knife, you have a gun. And I was like, yeah, that does add up. It's smart. It does make sense. Sure thing, boss. I was built to call him boss. Yeah, boss.

Yeah, you were like, yeah, boss. Yeah, boss. Walk me to the car, boss. Yeah, boss. And then I die, because I'm a henchman. I have henchman brain. Yeah, now if they point their gun at you yeah boy gee boss we're gonna make a lot of money off this score

so he fucking we step outside and we we lived on the second floor and we had these like metal stairs and he had a bag with all the weed in it and he was first i was second thank fucking god because i would have been dead right and he went first and the was second. Thank fucking God. Because I would have been dead. Right. And he went first. And the white dude came around the corner, gun drawn, and like pushed Amir and grabbed the bag and took off that. But I just saw him come around and then followed was that five foot four fucking blood in, blood out. Yeah.

Who was just right on me. Yeah. He's gone right on me. And you're like, don't move me. The second I did that, my shirt went up and he saw the gun i was like wow we have ourselves it doesn't look like what you think it looks like he was like he just kept going put your hands down put your hands down and i was like oh okay oh oh oh god it's just me and then yeah and then you know like if you want to hear like the full

details of the story but it went through and he ended up taking my car keys starting my car and then going downstairs and i heard how did you down he took it out yeah yeah that's the punch line i don't want to ruin the punch line but the punch line is he found the change right and he was like i've never seen a criminal more disappointed he's like he's just wading through quarters because i had cargo shorts on i'm a white dude in arizona yeah so i had cargo shorts on and he was like oh son of a bitch yeah he's just fucking pulling through it now you got a real you got a real uh arizona tattoo which one the the tribal one yeah i had it covered up you did what is it now oh it's a forest let me see so yeah yeah there you go yeah my dead ants initials so you have you fixed you i fixed it you

went over it yeah my my buddy keith helped me fix it it used to just be a trial it was it wasn't arizona i got that in aurora aurora shout out colorado i mean but i was it was true aurora in fact i got it on Iliff and Chambers at the Aurora tattoo shop. It's almost like a state ID from Colorado. Yeah. Your cop could be like,

can I see your license or let me see your tribal tattoo. And he goes, oh, you're from Aurora. Yeah, you're from Aurora, right? And he goes, oh, cool. All right. Yeah, that's how I can

always get back in. Colorado's getting popular, but I can always get back in when I show them the original. I have the original on my phone. I'll show you the original. I got a horrible one, too. You do?

Yeah, your little bear trap? I should fix it, right? Yeah, dude. What should I turn that into? I don't know, but it is... Maybe I'll turn it into a forest. Dude, I gotta find it. Yeah, dude, forest is the only...

I like how you described that as a forest. Whatever, dude. Yeah, it's just more... Do you ever see Joe DeRosa just fix this with black? Yeah. He's just like, yeah, that's the original one, brother.

There you go, brother. My boy Dan's coming over. He just comes over. I see you there in like a. Yeah. It's like four. Yeah. I picture you just coming over my place like with Kevin Johnson, Phoenix Suns jersey.

Fuck that. I would have came in a Mutombo. I would have came in a mountain, a tumbo Jersey. And we're like, what's going on? My name's Dan. What's up,

bro. What's up, bro. What's up, bro. No, I'm over. Yeah.

I mean, I was like, Aurora is a suburb. So I grew up in the suburbs, but there's parts of Aurora that are fucking rough. But I think it gets a bad rap when you're like, man, it's like affordable suburbs. Yeah. I had a single mom that lived there and i had a great outside of my family shit right it was awesome

right it was all a green belt right ride to the park you know what i mean right i knew people that were like shady because you come in contact with shady people but where i grew up in my core group of friends were all great people right i. My family was just fucking me constantly. Right, right. With Joe around getting hammered. How long was Joe around for? I want to say 12 to 16. Wow.

The day he moved out, the day those flip-flops clapped down that garage hallway for the last time, was the day my sister got killed. Oh. A little bittersweet of an ending. Yeah. Because he was moving. And I just remember the last time I ever talked to Joe, he was holding a box. And he was moving out.

And he looked at me and he went, sorry about Michelle. And I was like, ah, shit. Thanks, Joe. I had to say thank you. Is this your full sister? Half sister. Half sister. My dad's daughter from his first marriage.

Right. But you guys were close. Yeah. She came into my life when I was like eight or nine. And we got real close. Yeah. We got real close. And she died when I was 16.

Right. So yeah, it was my mom. My mom was real big on that and we got real close. Yeah. We got real close and she died when I was 16. Right. So yeah, it was my mom. My mom was real big on that. My mom was awesome. Yeah. My mom was a great mom with a couple bad years.

Right. You know, like Peyton Manning had a couple bad seasons. Right. So she was kind of like, I would say she was kind of like, I'm trying to think of the athlete

who had a couple bad years. Yeah. I mean like. She was like Chauncey Billups. I mean, just the king of Park Hill, baby. I mean, that's a pretty perfect analogy. She's Mr. Big Shot. Yeah, I mean, you know, because he had like a couple bad years, and then he kind of.

Minnesota. Blossomed, yeah. Boston. Then he became. And then he goes to Detroit. And it really turned around. Comes to the Nuggets. Yeah.

Yeah, I would say, yeah, my mom's the Chauncey Billups of moms. She's a great mom with a couple bad years. Got a couple court cases that we're worried about. Yeah, yeah. But beyond that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she, but that was like, you know, I've talked to her. That's what's great about when you grow up.

Man, I've always thanked you for getting me into therapy. Because you're the person. I'm back in it. Yeah. Yeah, we see the same therapist again. But you were the guy that got me to go see him. Yes. And that's what saved my mom and I's relationship.

Yeah. Because I was able through him to be like, he's like, no, you hold her accountable yeah you want that you know yeah that's a tough thing for a person to learn when you're like especially an only child yeah because it's like you don't have anybody there to be like that's right that's wrong right right right right everything's a guess right right so you're like is this bad right this? Right. And then throw in alcohol and shit gets fucking crazy. Right. No, alcohol does not lead to the best decision usually. No, and also for a child.

I'd say almost always, no. Always. Always. And when a kid is drinking or when a kid's around drinking, you don't know why the decisions are being made. Right. You don't have that warm feeling in your stomach where you're like, fuck it, we'll eat dinner at 11 tonight.

You don't know that. I'm fucking hammered. I'm enjoying fuck it, we'll eat dinner at 11 tonight. You don't know that. I'm fucking hammered. I'm enjoying this sunset. Kid can eat fucking late. That was like my dad. My dad was just like, eh, fuck it, we'll eat at 11. My mom was always like, dinner's at 6. We're going to eat.

But you know, have some cocktails before then. Might get a little loose-lipped at dinner. Because even when a woman drinks, she still keeps that womanly the motherly internal instinct her mother like she turned on your dad's just like you want to eat tonight dude and if you said no he'd be like okay that didn't give a fuck right hey guys i'm very excited about this new sponsor that we have that could be very helpful to all of us we've all had credit card debt we've all piled on different types of debt and have monthly payments that we got to make. And it feels like you're drowning and it feels overwhelming.

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universe there's another dan who's going wake up everybody at 6 30 good luck yeah good luck beating him on ktcl 93.3 dominating the morning dominating the number 24 market in the country because you got the voice and the talent you got you're a broad you got to be broadcasting that would be weird if i walked into an auto zone and i heard that voice if you started doing fucking characters and i'm like dude what are you doing here what are you doing here i go hey boss like ben affleck i'm like if you're here in the fucking morning hey boss your battery's coming right up yeah don't worry we got it hey your battery's coming up you go you just did go, ah, fuck around in the back. I'll see you later. Yeah, I, here's the thing.

It's like, I think because I wasn't, I didn't have the encouragement of being like, you're so great. You gotta go. Like my mom always believed in me. But when I, I knew I had to get out of Colorado because I was like, I just, this is so nice. I'm so comfortable here. Colorado's beautiful.

Right. People are nice. The weather's great. Right. Everything's great. Can't breathe as well. You get used to that. Yeah, you evolve.

Yeah. When I moved to Arizona, I didn't like anything about it except the people. The immigration laws, which you were a fan of. Loved it. Loved not acknowledging Martin Luther King Jr. Dude dude that was the craziest why arizona's like yeah we just started doing mlk day like now they just pull you over in arizona they're like what i do they said uh you're driving brown do my favorite we need to check on your papers the craziest shit in the world that no

one believed me was ari, when you renew your license, they give it to you for 50 years. My Arizona's driver's license, when I moved out of here- They don't check in again. Expired in 2049. Wow. And I had to get a New York license because when I moved here, they did the voting shit.

But they were like- I had a bar, Smith's, which was on 8th Avenue by the Laugh Factory that turned into times square art center. I would try to go to their drink and they sometimes wouldn't let me in the bar. Cause they're like, this is a fake idea.

I'm like, it's an Arizona driver's license. Yeah. There's no driver's license. Hey pal, there's no driver's license that expires in 2100. And I'm like, no,

you don't understand people in Arizona are comfortable with that. But I moved there and didn't, I made friends, but i wasn't like arizona's uh beautiful people go there with money now you were going to the university of arizona yeah yeah and that's all frats and like uh rich kids yeah it's it's huge it's a massive school 45 000 undergrads when you go to one of those schools you're just like are you even in school really yeah you i i took classes i kind of want to take I got in a college radio And then I started what my big push was I got hired at KFMA which is 92.1 on the college radio

No, I wouldn't bothered them you did Yeah, I was like can I please have a job because I ran out of money I worked in Alaska and I made a bunch of money one summer. And I came back and fucking blew through it. Just blew through it. In the white trash way possible. I'd go to Costco and just buy booze and frozen sandwiches. And then just fucking cigarettes. And I would... You worked on a...

Yeah, that's when you went... I worked on the docks. You went on the docks and you worked on a boot. No, I wasn't on the boat. I worked at the cannery. I was a dock crew member. and what would you guys do there my job was to fill the hopper with fish and to unload the boats yeah but like the guys i worked with were like real men yeah so i was like that's what did they call you the kid no i was funny yeah so they liked me yeah

that's when i was like i'm gonna do stand-up right because i was up there and i was like if i'm making these guys and what made you decide to go to alaska my aunt was living up my dad's sister was living up there and she had cancer and she was like you should come up here right what are you gonna do anyways and i was like probably working at applebee's and aurora and spent all my money on weed so it was like like, it was the best decision. I moved up to Kenai to live with her and I worked at a, you know,

at a cannery up there. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, I met awesome dudes. Isn't it really funny that part in life where you don't have direction yet? It's a really funny time in life.

Like, I don't know, I'm gonna work in Appalachia or I'll go to Alaska. Yeah. It really became, I think, like a two conversation thing. It's a really great,

it's a great great it's a great time though because you explored things and i didn't have anybody i didn't have i was 19 yeah i had no money and i was like fuck it what's up what's alaska like yeah and then i moved up there and it was like my aunt karen was so funny yeah so there's even another parallel universe where you meet a girl in alaska yeah there was this filipino girl that worked your own boat there was this filipino girl that worked at the cannery that i had a huge crush on and she liked me but she broke her wrist got hurt and they like when they treat you like fucking horses out there like if you get hurt they put you down like you can't work a 16 hour shift

yeah yeah and so my lap i had to leave early because i got a consumption ticket i got a drinking ticket in colorado so i had to like kind of come back early to settle that before i went back to school what does that mean you got i got caught drinking at a house party in boulder i went to go visit friends at colorado underage or yeah or this was this was uh in aurora i got caught i just got caught drinking right and they were like we got to go to court for that it's a ticket or you got to take a class right and so i had to go back to do that before i could go back to college right and so i left early so she was gone when i was like leaving and then she came back when i was gone but there really wasn't facebook or myspace or anything so

it was like we just missed two boats missed each other But like I liked her and she liked me. And there's a chance I was horny. Right. So I could, might've had a kid in Alaska. What happened to her wrists? Yo man, the backbreaking work they make those processors do. She was a processor. I was doc crew. So it was like the cast system.

Like the fact that I was like, Oh, look at that beautiful processor. Cause they just chop. They all do one thing. They like chop, but they're using a knife for fucking 16 hours a day. Right, so that's what it was, yeah. And so I think she got like something fucked up. Did she ever give you, you never hooked up with her then?

No, no, no, no. She didn't give you a handy. It would have been a strong handy. She could have tossed me out to sea. You'd have been like, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Let me go, let me go, let me go. No, no, no no i want to keep going my ass was getting sucked through my p-hole you gotta fucking stop

i don't know what i don't know any tagalog or i tell you to stop during the summers when it was like 24 hours yeah i was up there may i moved up there like second week of may and i came back in august that must have been trippy to be up there May. I moved up there like second week of May and I came back in August. That must have been trippy to be up there when it was all sun. You had to put thick blankets on your windows. Is that how you just fall asleep? Or you work fucking 14 hours.

Yeah. And then you fall asleep pretty goddamn easy. Yeah. So you were up there just cracking jokes. I was making them laugh. We'd get high at lunch and I would do impressions that now would get me canceled.

But I was doing like, making fun of people. I was doing Alan. What are you going to there's a guy there was a guy i worked with named um uh aladdin and he had four teeth on his bottom gums those were the only teeth in his head and he ran ran the processors dude was like a fucking tyrant but everything when i was cut so they brought us in to like basically audition us to see if we were good enough to work on the doc crew and we had to pitch halibut yeah there it is and you're like god i can smell that fuck i can smell that when you're telling me when you were

telling me what you did i could smell it too yeah it's one of those jobs you can smell yeah and um aladdin would always walk by and just with his four bottom teeth out he it too yeah it's one of those jobs you can smell yeah and um aladdin would always walk by and just with his four bottom teeth out he'd be like it's not good it's not good when i'd cut it he'd go it's not good one time i was driving a forklift and i couldn't line it up and he goes you have girlfriend i don't know why he goes i know you have bad aim and like killing yeah killing yeah all the processors are laughing and i'm like shut up aladine it was just the best job of being like you ain't shit everyone here works it was the first time i ever worked a job where someone gave up hours someone would vulture on them every other jobs right people were looking to get out of shifts right i don't want to work today i'm tired that

was like i'll take your hours right put your hours on my check right those motherfuckers are there to work right you'll never meet harder workers than the people that work there right they work the hardest out of anybody i've ever seen in my life right right which coming into comedy bunch of fucking babies right five shows in a weekend i always catch myself i gotta do two tonight oh two me, I gotta do two tonight? Oh, two on a Saturday. I better get a Gatorade. Meanwhile, these people fucking can't feel their feet and they're just like, cool,

dump another fucking thousand pounds of chum salmon into the hopper. So if you don't have a father figure in your life, you go to Alaska and become a man. I didn't have an uncle. I didn't have nobody. So you went to Alaska and become a man i didn't have an uncle i didn't have nobody so you went to alaska became a man that's where you became a man yeah i learned on the job yeah you learned a job out there because i am i think i got a lot when you're raised by a single mom you get a lot of when you're an only child you get a lot of uh bitchy qualities yeah not in

a way of like you just do you see that women deal with problems in different ways right you know that's why i like thank god i'm not a serial killer right right yeah god i don't fucking well they all serial killers usually live with their moms and there's usually no well aware dude yeah when you come close to becoming something you go yeah but you didn't you didn't have that in you i don't i can't i'm too i'm too nice did you write your mom because it was just you and your mom did you write your mom like dearest what was your mom my mom's trish there's trish no no i'm up here in alaska yo there was this the fishing is fine there was this girl i was in love with in aurora that strung me along for like four or five years i was in love with i was just oh my i'd listen to dave matthews band and be like

and then she was just like just like toying with me yeah and roaming remember roaming minutes on cell phones yes y'all call her from alaska because i had a cell phone right and my mom still paid it because i was 19 was she like a well-off girl no okay because maybe like she was from a worst neighborhood than i was okay i thought this might have been your notebook no you saw that later when you live in new york yeah yeah yeah oh i remember you know everyone has a notebook yeah i had a notebook too yeah but um i told you about my mind i tell i kind of talked to you about my notebook you helped me through it yeah we're standing in the doorway of the stand, the old stand.

But, um, I called her and I'd be like, by the way, I didn't know at the time. She's just hooking up with my friend, Joey, but I'm calling her.

There's a lot of Joe's who are getting there. I don't trust the Joseph. Yeah. Joe's are getting their dicks at your business. The Rosa. Stay away from my lady. Um, but they told you that one

but there was um i remember calling her one they made us do like busy work until the fish season started and i had to paint all of the dorms where all the processors were living and like paint the buoys and like we had to paint everything I remember calling her and being like hey You know we just have like doormat energy. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Oh, you're gonna work at Bennigan's There's a guy in your apartment fucking that's cool. Like you gotta you gotta thank you tell joyous Oh, yeah, it's cool. You know, I don't wanna kick his ass video games Oh, I didn't know until I got back and they're like, yeah, you know Joey was like hanging out through the whole summer I'm like fucking sick

So I called her on roaming minutes and i would go to my aunt's house when i would get a day off when i get a day off i would i call my aunt and i'd be like hey if she wasn't working at the hospital she worked at the hospital and was also sick and getting treated at the hospital so she i would call her and i'd be like hey come pick me up i got a day and then we go to the liquor store and we go to like the grocery store my aunt could cook so we would have like steaks and fucking sit around and get fucked up on her deck and it was light the whole night we'd watch stand-up she was the first person that i was like in my family that i was like do you think i could do stand-up we were watching daniel tosh on comedy central i was like do you think i could do stand-up and she was like yeah you could do stand-up like didn't even blink she's like yeah you're funny enough and i was like that was the first time i

was like whoa shit and then making those guys laugh in alaska i was like maybe i can but yo i we went to the grocery store and we came home and it was answering machines and my aunt hit play she's like i've been saving this for you she's like check this voicemail out voice message and it was like left at tuesday 5 37 p.m it was like was it joe dan you're still a retard hey what's up tardo hope you don't fall in the water i'm back in your mom she was lonely while you were gone. Oh, now we're doing anal. I wish we were here. I'm doing it on your dad's ashes. I got a voice message. The voice message is my mom, and she's like, hi, Karen. It's Trish.

Can you tell my son that I got his cell phone bill, and it is not big. It is huge. And she fucking goes off. And she's like, tell him if he wants to call people and it was like it was all her calls to her it was calls to the the you know and calls my mom but i called my mom from my aunt's house yeah so long distance yeah yeah yeah long distance was what year was this long distance you could get you could get hammered yeah i think that was still long distance you can still get such hammer but it's roaming right on a cell phone yeah what was it you have a big nokia

i had a i had the little one like the little one with the green light under it yeah yeah i remember that one yeah you didn't text wasn't a thing yeah those were like almost too small you hold it here it wouldn't even be close to you i said i'm sorry i said i'm sorry so I said I'm sorry. So yeah, we, there you, right there. Yeah, I had that one too. That was it. That was exactly it. Yeah. That was exactly the cell phone.

God, that phone smelled like fish. Yo. Your phone smelled, you just smelled like fish for the whole fucking summer. Dude, me and my friend. When you walk through Chinatown in summer, you're just probably like, no big deal. I'm like, what's up, boys? What do you guys got in? A fresh batch?

I, we went to McDonald's, which was like a treat because mcdonald's in alaska is expensive because they gotta fucking ship it up there so like a fucking big mac meal is like 8.99 and o2 prices wow so we went up there we went to mcdonald's for lunch because we were like fuck it let's go to mcdonald's and we were this little boy was in line in front of us in front of his mom and he's like you know little kids they don't know how to talk quietly yeah and he like leans into his mom he's like those men smell bad and we're like all right kid who's covered it we are our slicks and you're like shut up i actually know i think we're just in our jeans and our sweatshirts we're like shut up i feel like kids are often the ones that give away that their parents are racist yeah they'll be like in the super look mommy there's a shut up shut up kids and dogs yeah i don't yell at the tv yeah we're cool i don't have

a problem i'm fine i don't know what it is my dog always i don't know what his energy is like i think i know why that might be oh maybe you should stop yelling out your political opinions in front of your terrier yeah it was but that experience man like it just made me realize you're never working harder than someone out there there's people that are working way harder than you and doing zero complaining right zero complaining we're in the complaint generation right now. Right. It was good. Yeah. But. Yeah.

Everyone. Every vacation I've ever heard of my friends. It was good. But. Yeah. But you know what? It's. You can't.

You can't blame them too much because they weren't exposed. Nobody's exposed to that. Yeah. That's what the thing is. It's like. Yeah. The amenities of modernity. Ding.

Yeah. Every time I say that we dingink um we just live in that so nobody's exposed to hard work you can't even if you wanted to get a hard work job i don't know if you could get one in new york city like a construction job like you that's about it like uh but most people go down to the fish market go down to the docks and see if they need help on loading shit yeah but it's few it whereas it used now it's union and so it's like you can't even get in you can't get in why do you want a job and that used to be all jobs like your dad worked at a factory you know like my grandparents

the wealth disparity they used to pay a livable wage that's why the middle middle class existed right you could go work you could go work at a factory and your kid could go to suny binghamton and you'd be like because it's in, I pay a little bit of money. They got to work a summer job to cover it. But they went to SUNY Binghamton and now they're an English teacher at PS161. And everyone was happy. But now everyone has this, I think what it is, is everyone feels that they're owed celebrity. That's how social media is marketed right you're owed fans

right no you're not right i know so many comedians that don't deserve the fans they have right it's like you're not funny you don't make me laugh right right you can't say that no because if you fucking say that someone above you is going to be like you're you're giving her away right you're letting him you're letting people know they shouldn't be paying money for this right right a lot of y'all are wasting money a lot of y'all are wasting money there's like 10 people you should give money to to be funny yeah that's it yeah well i love chapelle that's the downside to democracy it's like it's the democratization of it's what it is celebrity So it's like, it's all available. Patton Oswalt said something like,

in 2000. It inevitably becomes less efficient. If there's one thing you can give to dictatorships, they run a tight ship. A lot of people die, but they run a tight ship. A lot of people die, but they run a tight ship.

They're like, here's your comedian, here's your food. Yeah. And there is, it is awesome to have an option. And it is awesome to have like, a choice of like, I'm gonna support this guy. And there is a it is awesome to have an option and it is awesome to have like a choice of like i'm going to support this guy and there is a cool listen it's it's all like we were talking about

before the show it's all balanced like if there's a lot of shit there's also a lot of good yeah it's it's more like diy you can pick which guy you like and then when they win you feel like you won and that's fucking really cool because that's how i felt about bill burr yeah we all knew about bill burr 2005 2006 2007 and then he starts getting big in 08 09 and 2010 you're like that's our guy that's our band right me you and nate used to go watch him right and be like this is the guy and then people other people who don't know comedy go this is the guy and you're like i know that's our guy right we've been pushing it you know like we've been not pushing them, but like we knew about it.

He was our favorite. Yeah. He was, we knew he was. And that's what's fun with bands. Yeah. It's like, you're like,

oh, I like this band. But however, now you're just seeing like a lot of boy bands, a lot of bands that are, that are built with other things besides music. Right. It's a look.

It's a fucking, if I see one more fucking comedy hype video, stop it. Well, it's a look it's a fucking if i see one more fucking comedy hype video stop it well it's a comedy hype video just a slow pan up at a drake song and someone shuts the door and it's a line at a fucking funny bone and they're like all i do is win i'm a baller you're silly you fucking idiots you're silly be silly that's what comedy is it's being silly all i do is winning get pussy make money and then you on stage being like hey my dog shit in the carpet fuck all of it i know what you're talking about cool comedy i know what you're talking about fuck cool comedy and i'm friends with people that do cool comedy and I love them. But fuck it in general. All I do is win.

All I do is win. A joke always hits. No. Nate Bargetzi. I'm the greatest of all time. I call this the Nate Bargetzi golden rule of comedy. For a joke to be funny. You gotta show yourself.

You cannot win in the joke. Yeah, that's his. So how are you making hype videos where all you're doing is winning? Right, right. You want to know my, I sit uncomfortably in a free t-shirt because my 38-year-old tits. Uncle Paulie.

Uncle Paulie. The line starts to the right. But it's like my body shit because I was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a year. Yeah. I'm sweating uncontrollably. I'm talking about my dad's best friend

who was just boning my mom making my teenage years rough but it's like i i get frustrated because i want comedy to be that but not everyone does and i need to shut the fuck up about that right that's where i learned i need to shut you just got to make you what you want to make exactly because what i make isn't what someone else is going to make and honestly i'm jealous of those people that can do cool comedy right i would love to feel cool right i would love to feel right we're all different it's a different yeah i i i would yeah it's just like i think we're in the era where you have to find the people who are into what you do by putting it out there exactly for them to find it and also you can learn a lot

because whoever's in a cool comedy is not going to be in to you not to me yeah yeah they're gonna call they're gonna be like this fucking pussy yeah yeah yeah i am a pussy yeah yeah what's up and then people that are like i feel like a pussy i can fucking listen to this guy it's almost it's almost as if we are all bands now yes like because like there's no labels there's no fans there's no late i mean there's no i'm sorry there's no celebrity that everyone knows about yeah there's everyone has like their market their niche following people are gonna pop up and come back down and pop back up and by the way i love when i see people that i that i've seen work so hard arrive there tim dylan andrew schultz mark norman you see people that you're like fuck yes go support those guys because i've known them i've watched them put in the work yeah they definitely put in the work they

put in the work and you're like you know you got to respect the fact that and then when other people give in you're like fuck yes so there are wins but then there's losses where you're like this fucking guy yeah this fucking guy well the good thing about the internet too is like it used to be like only 10 guys had the chance to have a career and everyone else was just wallowing around and like it's like the good thing about it is you don't have to if you don't do that type of humor where it's for everybody, you can have a career. Yeah. Like on my last episode, I made a joke about how Bill Cosby,

maybe the women he raped was reparations. Most of them were, you know, I can't make that joke and then knock on CBS's door. Hey, guys. Can I get a sitcom? But you know what's crazy? I was saying through a critical race theorist's perspective i wasn't saying it was it's also funny because it's like joke yeah it's a funny joke yeah where you're like you're joking you're not saying that yeah in a dissertation you're not writing that out and being like i

actually truly believe that maybe the united states served its reparations through handing sleepy white women the bill cosby you don't't you don't fucking say that but it's like what where I don't like where I think it's really but the internet I'm saying is you can say that put it out there and people who like it can find you that's my problem still is like when the main like when big companies you do a great thing but they don't do their research Shane Gillis on snl is the best example you on snl well no that was i was i didn't have a good audition and pete was a better story that's a different thing shane got the job was it just between you two no it was like me pete andrew santino uh frank garcia helge there was like a couple people but your talent i wasn't ever

supposed to sketch comedy i wasn't ever supposed to be there right i needed to work out for a reason and whatever but i was never supposed to do it the bonfire yeah fucking stand-up billions i'm fine yeah i'm fine no gripes yeah shane got hired and they didn't do their research and then someone was like hey he said one questionable thing how they've done their research they'd be like well he says some wild shit but he's funny right he's undeniably funny right and then they're like well i gotta all corporations do that yeah they want the cool thing that all the kids like and then they buy it and they're like well you know there's another side to it yeah well you know what there's always another side to it now it's recorded yeah i know i mean you tell me john belushi didn't sit around high on pcp and say a few questionable things yo i have

the reason he just went there and be like guys we got to really close the wage gap while he was high on pcp i have i have the you're wearing a bill murray shirt yeah i have the bill murray theory that one inch off bill murray bill murray's the biggest asshole in the world one inch off how's that he misses the mark by an inch he's a twat yeah showing up at people's weddings and bartending right like fuck you old guy that was on snl he paid a thousand dollars for that bartender he has a 1-800 number where they said he doesn't call his agent back there's just a lot of agent i don't think yeah but then like he's bill murray yeah he does it right he just does it right and he's awesome right he's like you'll want to bump into him right but i'm telling you everybody's got their like one inch everybody's good and

everybody's bad right it's just what they choose to go of course unless you're jesus but which there's only one that's the true purpose of this podcast we want you guys to find jesus we're gonna do a little cool down here. We want you to read some of our favorite excerpts from the King James Bible. Start with the letter to Corinthians. Was there any religion in your life? My mom was Irish Catholic and was discommunicated. So why do you have no brothers and sisters? She was discommunicated from the church.

Oh, that's why, yeah. When she got married young. Those Irish pussies, boy, they're like car factories. That's like a Japanese Lexus. There be i'd be there'd be daniel steve and michael they're all biblical jonathan good little hunting yeah peter cool another jonathan little daniel three sisters named megan megan catherine megan megan one two and three amanda two shawls yeah four like me and my 13 brothers and sisters um yeah my mom got my mom got married early and then divorced and then discommunicated from the

church because she got divorced oh wow well she got married when she was in college and it didn't work out she was just honest with herself right right right she's like this ain't gonna work right god they hope they forgive but unless you get divorced huh oh yeah yeah so she became a free agent which saved you from possible molestation yeah because my dad was episcopalian so we would go to episcopalian i was confirmed as episcopalian and this wiener wasn't until i was 17 that would have thrown you off i think i would you had a lot happening and you, and you still did great. If I would have sucked a dick or had my dick sucked by an adult, there would be a needle in my arm, and I'd be under a bridge right now.

100%. I'm on the line, baby. That would have pushed it over. That would have just been the wind gust you didn't need. That would have been the blow over the wrong line. The coup d'etat. Yeah. If I would have just gotten sucked off by a guy with hairy hands grabbing my thighs.

I'd just be fucking, I'd be nodding right now. Dan. My mom would be sick of me. My mom would be like, where's Dan? I'll come and get him. Hey mama.

Hey mama. Now what's it like? Billions is a big hit dude yeah people love billions yeah but you know what i love about dan dan is such a real guy with integrity kind of guy you want to be around it's so funny when people like i've heard people scream out at shows and you're just like yeah it's a character on a show what's up you get like upset oh did i get mad i know i'm on that show it's a character yeah what well i think what it is is you understand this when you spend your whole life trying to get over as a comedian yeah

when something else hits it's also an annoying thing that someone screams out like something yeah you're like what's up i know you're excited and shit but like also i'm doing comedy can you at least at the end of the show say i love you on billions maybe not in the middle of the show when i'm about to do maybe that's not the right fucking time to scream that out the only time i got a guy kicked out for it was this drunk guy he's kept yelling the fee my character's name and i was like all right guy whatever you want yeah shut the fuck and finally i was like shut the fuck up what what do you want me to do you want me to do some billions here's my acting on billions.

You happy? And the guy was like, fuck you. And I was like, oh, fuck you. And I was like, mad. And then they kicked him out. And I was like, god damn it. And then I was like, I'm never going to let that get to me again. But I probably will.

I'm a fucking psycho. Somewhere in the world, there's a dude. There's a dude you could meet up with and you and him could have like a very serrano de bergiac yeah type of business where of intimidation yeah he's like a big dude but his voice is like hey how you doing guys and then you're behind the curtain yeah hey motherfucker yeah and then he just stands there in the shadow. Yeah. And like your combo of your voice and his fucking girth. You guys could shake down a lot of fucking drug dealers. I've realized that when I've had. You can't show up like that with that voice.

No. And they're going like, he's tall, but he's, I can take him. They're like, oh my God, that's all soft and chewy in the middle. I'll walk through him. Dude, you got a voice on you. There's been times where i've called a restaurant right like with a problem i ordered food and there's like a problem i call like hey what's going on with this like this order's fucking terrible and it didn't come out right you guys

like i'm doing the giants on the phone i get her i worry i already you're gonna bring it to me me. Bring me the sandwich. I want the whole sandwich. I want my sun chips. I want the sun chips. I want them. Bring me my sun chips. And then they show up and I'm like, hey! And they're just like, I've seen guys be like, this is that fucking

guy. This is him. Big headed losers. You waited for a while at that Mexican restaurant. Yeah. Dos Caminos on 50th and 3rd. Yeah. I used to make a joke. I had a joke.

Yo, you and Nate coming over and watching me take tables on the cafe is stuck in my brain. It's stuck in my brain because you and Nate are just sitting outside like this. He's stuck in my brain. He's stuck in my brain. Because you and Nate are just sitting outside like this. And I'm like, well, the coach you need to bill is banana leaves with pork cooked in pork leaves. And it comes with a nice side. Well, Nate had it easy. He was a waiter in Tennessee.

And then he just lived off his wife until he got famous. But yeah. Well, Nate did a thing where he was like, I'm going to test the bounds of my relationship. And he's like, it's happening, baby. But you know what? He's like, I'm going to test the bounds of my relationship. And he's like, it's happening, baby. But you know what? He's like, you're going to pay for everything, and I'm going to come home with a drunk midget at four in the morning. Cool deal.

But fuck being happy for Nate. I'm happy for Laura. Yeah, she's. When I go to Tennessee, I look to her, and I'm like, you did it. Yeah, yeah. You put up with Nate. And she's the one that seems happy, because Nate's running around going these god damn liberals he's pulling out machine guns

I'll shoot anybody that comes on my property I play golf so I don't lose my mind meanwhile meanwhile Laura's like uh Siri can you bring on

relaxing music when's my nanny showing up yeah dude it's that's what's awesome it's like what it paid off

it paid off it paid off for her yeah if you're gonna stick by him yeah if you're gonna stand by your man you're gonna get up you might get a big house yes yeah she did it and it paid off but that's like uh when you guys come about to watch me wait tables was always the funniest because i was like damn you're about to watch me melt down because i snapped almost every table really yeah you couldn't handle the the jokes about the the like the the financial

guys they're always the worst which is crazy that i'm on billions yeah because those were the guys that the guy i'm playing yeah was the guy that i hated the most right it's like what's up man can i get a patron margarita and you're like yeah yeah where's that patron margarita boss hey i said no salt meanwhile i'm just fantasizing about fucking shoving his face in the guacamole dude the worst feeling did you ever get called garçon or something they ever make jokes or boy snaps boy all the euros yeah because remember market crash in 08 our dollar went to shit right so the spaniards the french the fucking everyone swedes yeah everyone came over and was staying at the waldorf and then they'd come over to Dos Caminos

because they wanted the bistec. Yeah. A bistec. Yeah. We don't have bistec. We have a steak burrito. Right.

A bistec. I became xenophobic like a motherfucker. But the saddest I ever was, it's closed down. RIP Dos Third, dude. It's closed down? It's gone, dude.

What? They still got Dos Caminos but they don't have Third App. That was the cafe, baby. Dos Caminos. That's table 101. That's Soho, right? That's where that old man is sitting. Oh, no. It's closed down? It's gone, dude. What? They still got Dos Caminos, but they don't have Third App. That was the cafe, baby. That's table 101. See where that old man is sitting? Oh, no, that's yours.

That was ours. See where that old man, you guys were standing right outside that gate right there. Where that old man's sitting is table 101. Yeah. You know, it's on cafe. Then you got 120, 140.

Then it goes up from there. I could work a whole shift right now if you need me to. So, that looks pretty full. It's probably a lunch rush. I was never there at dinner. But the only time I ever, oh, god damn, dude, you just gave me PTSD.

Seeing that picture, that's Baja Bar. Baja Bar, yeah, that's fucking front bar, dude. So I would work cocktail section. Go back, not that. That's not us. Go back to that other picture. See down that hallway right there to the right right there that's the cocktail section it's lower cielo and upper cielo where that staircase is which i don't know why they have a great you're describing it like a theater of war

you're like that's you see that that's hill in north korea right there that's the denang you go to the shores of that lot of blood so under those stairs our platoon was right to the left right there we were bunkered out i'm in with the 256 we get dropped so i was uh i was upstairs we did like you do uh christmas parties that's the only time i worked at night yeah so i'd take sets off and i would like to make like 300 bucks at night and i was working upper cielo was that upstairs area yeah it was hand-passed desserts no one ate any and i hadn't ate so i hadn't eaten yet so i like went downstairs and i was under those stairs and i was eating desserts and this lady's like sir where's the bathroom and i was like you had your apron on i would eat under those stairs when people wouldn't finish oh my god like a pauper yeah yeah like ol Please, sir. Please. The only time I almost cried waiting tables was,

dude, I knew that guy. That's crazy. I knew who drew that chalk drawing. I knew that bar back. I think it was actually my man. Shout out to all the bar backs. I was auditioning for Montreal. Yeah.

And it was 2010. Yeah. And they called me. I remember that year. That was the year your career really called me I remember that year that was the year you your career really started like kicked in that was the next Jesse you were there too that was the next year that was 2011 that's 2011 2010 right I auditioned and I got a callback and I did the callback show at Broadway Comedy Club and I was like I think I got it right and then they called me and I was waiting tables there and I couldn't pick pick up. So I went and I did a spot at Stand Up New York. And my buddy.

God, this is like a movie. My buddy went. I didn't get the call or I could just see you running, like, you know, running to the call. I got it. Yeah. But I didn't. So I called back and I left a message. I go out drinking that night with my friend Zach.

And we get blackout drunk at Stand Up New York. A regular Tuesday for you back then. Easy. Yeah. Easy. It was a Wednesday. Wednesday. And we went to the dublin house on 79th got so blackout drunk that we bumped into mark cuban it's a fucking weird night we're outside smoking and i was like you know how you do that thing

when someone looks like somebody yeah i go this mark cuban looking motherfucker and he looked over and i was like you're mark cuban and he's like i he's like he tried saying he was his older brother and we're like why are you mark cuban he's like i am mark cuban he left and we're like oh my god so the next day i was brutally hungover i work a lunch one of the worst hangovers i ever had the only other terrible hangover i remember is because we were hanging out which one was that it was when we saw prince going to that jazz club i remember that and we stayed and drank till five in the morning yes and i was sweating whiskey out the next dude we just saw prince he just walked in front of us on west third yeah got out of a limo he walked in front and under us yeah i mean he's a tiny kid tiny tiny guy he's an all white yes like an angel

yeah like you would picture you wouldn't picture him in a pair of levi's no yeah he didn't have some dockers on He walked in and he was an all-white and he walked into that jazz club on Western McDougal And we went to the bar because we were leaving and he never played remember I went outside to smoke cigarette and asked the bouncer. I was like, it's Prince gonna plays like nice It's here to watch his drummer. He already left. Yeah. Yeah, we went in and me you and Zach were hammered Yes, and so that was the worst hangover i had ever waiting tables second was when i went out to stand up new york the next day i'm on a double and i'm like

wait is this a continuation of of the montreal story i'm hungover i work lunch in between lunch and dinner i'm sleeping in one of the back booths i have my fucking flip phone on my chest and it's like and i i pick it up and it's jeff singer and robbie prah rest in peace to jeff r.i.p gone but not forgotten the hat's still around uh and they call me and i'm like dude i was sitting at table 403 and i was like i sat up and i was like hey guys you know you do like the i'm not sleeping voice yeah hey guys what's up and they're like hey we just wanted to call you and let you know you were one of the last two names we crossed off the list to not go to montreal this year and i was like okay and they're like but we're just really happy with the progress you're making we like

this joke we like this joke and i hang up and i was like i have another year of waiting tables right right another year guaranteed because you almost went postal next day no dude when someone asked for guacamole you don't even understand that was right i'm telling you it was right before a dinner shift this happens so i start the dinner shift and the first table i get are four finance bros and they're talking and i walk up to the table and i do the first approach and i'm like hey guys how you guys doing tonight can i start you off with some guacamole and they don't look at me and i go can i start you guys off with some guacamole and they're like dude she's such a slut

you fucked her and i'm having this conversation and i'm like and i just felt my throat close and i go it's cool i'm a human and then one of them goes oh what's up bro four coronas and then just back to the conversation and i was like i want to kill him and i want to cry and i just remember walking away being like hey can you take 363 i gotta go smoke a cigarette and this went outside and i was like, ah! It fucking sucked. Yeah. That was.

You know what they did to me? I was with you. You remember that? So, same year. Because I remember your first audition, Jeff Singer walked up to you and was like,

where have you been? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got passed to the finals first. First. But then, so I auditioned 2010 like you. I didn't get it.

Okay. But then, and that was that year but i got the similar speech i remember that because we were both hyped i'm like what if we go together but then we went together in 2011 yeah 2011 so when you got real new faces laker and i got what he called no face yeah but it ended up being yours ended up being the better one because they created yours because it was unwrapped yes Yes. So it's like nobody came to ours because we were already wrapped. Yeah.

The only people that came to yours were who, the people who were there as managers and agents. Right, yeah. We were just performing for our fucking agents and managers. Ours was like a fucking strip club

filled with sailors. They're like, woo! And you're like. Ours sucked. Yeah, it was crazy. I got very lucky that year. It was the first year

that they created that unwrapped show, which was a better show. And that's what New F faces used to be yeah people would come and try to rep you yeah but since we were all repped they started that thing so but the way they told us told me i was with jesse in our old office our old studio um i try to buy that sometimes huh and go on us you remember we shot the maurice video yeah where i was the hipster photographer yeah yeah yeah my body's as bad now as it was then and i knew i had to pull it together yeah you've had dad bod since you were 26 i've been bleeding in there i had some i had rough patches i get real father of three four so you yeah you have yeah you have you don't have dad bod you have dan bod yeah dude i'm dan and

i'm danning out and then i gotta tighten it. It takes me years to tighten it back up too. So it was funny. Like I was always like a rebel in comedy. And like, so I'd never liked, I was always like a standoffish with the industry. You know, that type of stuff.

Oh my God. Drunk. You honest rant. Yeah. Fuck them all. By the way, that was like my cool comedy rant. You're like that fucking fuck them all.

So they call me right. It was Robbie and Jeff. And I was with jesse we were sitting at our desks and uh i put them on speaker and they're like hey we just want you to know um you know you didn't make it you know but we think you're fun and i put them on mute remember and i was standing just i was like fucked it fuck you i was going fuck you you piece of shit fuck you you dumb hat and then they go we're just kidding and i go i was like oh thanks but then when i hung up i was like why the fuck would you do that what

did that mean they did it for like three minutes like that was in 2011. that was 2011. so they did they did like three minutes thing about how i didn't get it but how they you know if i keep working at it and stuff like that that's the exact speech i got 2010. yeah i'm just fucking yelling at them on the phone and then they go we're just kidding we love you you're in and then they were quiet and i just had to pretend like i thought it was funny it's like a girl being like don't use economy she's like i have herpes and you're like what i'm still soft yeah and so then i hung up and i still sounds like fuck those guys yeah they when they told me i was going to Montreal, they did a similar thing.

And they were like, you didn't get new faces. And I was like, outside smoking on 3rd Avenue. I was like, at Dos Caminos. And I was like, oh, all right, man. And they go, but we still want you to come to Montreal. We're doing this brand new thing called Unwrapped. And I was like, oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want a new face. Yeah, but you know, it ended up. And then me, you. Who was it? You did that show. That show ended up being great. You were the standout on that. And that was like the beginning.

But I wasn't even the beginning. I mean, dude, you know who was on that show? Who's like one of the most famous people out there right now? Who was on there? Lil Rel. Oh, that's right. That's when I met Lil Rel. That's when we did did on rep together he's he's always made me laugh yeah he's funny it's been fucking awesome watching him become a legit superstar yeah yeah he is like

yeah yeah yeah unrepped yeah that's right he was i remember we went to breakfast with him yeah yeah do little real rules yeah mine was stacked too oh my god God. You had Gerard Carmichael. Ali. You. Ali. Wait. Johnny Pepperton. Johnny Pepperton was on it. Mike Racine. Ron Funches. Ron Funches.

Mike Racine. I think Dan Centermaine. Oh, no, no, no. I don't remember. Oh, our buddy from Minnesota. Sy Amuse. I always fuck up his last name. Sy.

You know Sy. He was the Viking Brothers. They were like the hot guys that were long was he at mine yeah yeah yeah Montreal 2011 yeah

that was unrep dog yeah look at that look up Jim Tooze was on our look up New Faces 2011 I can't remember

yeah look up New Faces you guys had a fucking class yeah me and Jesse went up there we went up there in 08 with Nate we were just wearing ditch hats and nate goes what what do y'all did y'all win the hats festival y'all on the hat

show 2011 there yeah that article click on the comics comic because he gives the full list yeah dude it's like a little uh there it is, that's the characters. Siamuse. Kevin Barnett. Gerard Carmichael. Oh, dude. Remember when we hung out in Rebecca's? Nick Turner.

Nick Turner. Streeter Seidel. Beth Stelling. That's when I met Beth Stelling. Dan St. Germain was there. Oh, Psy. Psy was on there. Nick Turner.

Ali Wong. Ali Wong was on there, yeah. God damn. Remember when she used to murder at Bar Four? Yes, yeah. Yeah, I remember. I called her. I was like, when she used to murder a bar for her yeah I remember I called her I was like she's gonna be a big star

cause she just had a lot of charisma from like a small package yeah but she murdered she would murder there remember when Che murdered in that room murdered

I went up after and ate it you put up Jesse May I probably did yeah you did and she goes don't you love when your boyfriend

books the show and puts you up after one of the best sets it's like there you go yeah dude I want to give you a good spot yeah dude

right after the right after the guy does real well right that way yeah you used to murder on that show too bar four was fun that was a fun show

you would either murder or eat shit yeah it was just one of those shows you just wait around until I finished to get up like nobody knew

I remember Mike was seeing first time he got up he was just pissed and I was like hey buddy that's just the way this show works. If your beer was in your arm like this,

remember that Jesse? If Giannis was holding his beer totally free hand, just had his beer in his arm in his fucking bird wing, you were in for a wait. It was in for a long day. I would smoke a cigarette

with Dan Goodman outside. Yeah. I'd be like, let's go outside. Giannis is fucking, he's not bringing me up for a while. Dude, I would go on these long fucking rants.

You would murder. You would have, your ghost bit started as a rant. It did, yeah. Because you were like, well, who was the lady that would come and sit for every show? Gail. We did a Gail Palooza.

Gail Palooza. I remember. I was on it. Yeah, she picked the comics. Gail. You ever talk to her? No, I haven't seen her in... Oh, she's okay.

Yeah, we did Gail Palooza. We did the Laker Awards Laker Awards was the greatest night of New York comedy ever it was so punk rock if you got to be a part of it if you got to watch

Joe List bomb announcing he had herpes yeah that was that was watching that and watching Nate get dropped

or Nate dropped Joe I think when they were dancing yeah yeah everyone was hammered at some point Nate got on someone he got on someone's shoulder that was joe list joe listen i was outside smoking and i just watched him fall um chris laker used to drink what were those shots it was uh vodka and orange soda yeah so

we called it a laker at the laker and you guys would hand out they were like a dollar dude i got like we're gonna do dollar lakers. Joe List and I pre-partied. Yeah. We fucking. That was both of your drinking days. Yeah. Full alcoholics. We fucking pre-gamed at Gilby's in Astoria and then took road sodas.

We had tall boys for the 95 minute ride down to bar four. And then you had a red carpet and Joe had a mustache. And we both decided to wear jeans with dress shirts and tuck them in with ties. I got pictures of you guys. And we got fucking blackout. Everyone got, I mean, I was so fucking hammered. It was so funny. Me and Nate introduced everyone. And no, me and Nate introduced Laker every time for him to introduce what it was.

And me and Henry Zebrowski won most likely to die. Most likely to die, yeah. That's how bad my drinking was. And me and Henry Zebrowski won Most Likely to Die. Most Likely to Die, yeah. That's how bad my drinking was. And so was Henry's. Henry, who, by the way, might be the most successful person we know. Yes, he's very successful. I love Last Podcast on the Lock.

They're massive. They're great, but it's like, man. Henry Zebrowski's one of the funniest dudes. Of all time. Of all time. But at that time, he was fat. Murderfist was the most punk ditch films and murder fist were the two most punk rock things in comedy yeah murder fist was great

i remember one joke like one inside joke i told on a show with murder fist and they were cracking up i was like yeah you guys i was like you know this business ruins everything i'm like you guys are gonna be a band till one of the fat guys gets a commercial. Yeah, you were waiting on Ed or Henry to break. When you guys get a commercial, it's over. Dude, yeah. That was such a fun time. And I always look back to that and I'm like, man.

The funnest. The funnest time. When you look to, when you get like, obviously I'm like half joking about cool comedy when I watch it. But I'm like, to me, that was the best part of comedy. cool comedy when i watch it but i'm like to me that was the best part of comedy so when i see people come in and just take money from it yeah without living it i know it was like that was the most fun the most fun i think i'll ever have and this is the come up was the co shows because like those great ideas come from poverty they come from just a pure place where you're like you guys had a podcast then imagine how big it would have been oh it would have been huge but i remember when we had the idea it was just the purest it was that time where you go let's just do it because nobody had anything you know uh nobody you nobody

was ashamed of what they were gonna we could play basketball on wednesday during the day and then on friday you could be like i don't know what do you want to do you want to yannis is filming a sketch he needs people and you're like oh i'd love you'd be like felt honored yes you're like hey yannis wants you to be in your sketch you're like yeah yeah murder fist had me filming a sketch and he eats people. And you're like, oh, you felt honored. Yes. You're like, hey, Yannis wants you to be in your sketch. You're like, yeah, yeah. Murder Fist had me in a sketch. I was like, I would love to. Yeah, yeah.

And it's awesome being on Billions. It's fun. It's cool. But it's like, man, doing Mauricio shit or filming any of that stuff. That was fun, dude. Going to fucking Gowanus. Even the horrible gigs. I think back, like traveling for $100.

Dude, I remember making you. The fun we would have i remember i remember making yannis doesn't smoke weed and i smoke a lot of weed and we did a soul joel gig but i smoked a little bit and you smoked we were listening to backspin and you were with that we were with that scandinavian comic who was awesome yeah what was his name i don't know yannis was always friends with your like weird i was like an american boy band like there was nobody here and then i just went to to Scandinavia and did shows and like they would all be sold out because this American guy. Yeah.

I was the American guy. Dude, but then you'd bring them over here and you'd be like, they'd bring me up. This is the best, one of the best comics in America and I'd walk up there

and I'd go back to bar four for four people. Frankie running it. How's Frankie doing? He's good, man. He still has my old dog, Gilda. Yeah, he's good. Yeah, once in a while I check him with frankie he's doing good yeah tell him i said hi he's in a crossfit i mean he's jack now yeah he's jack now yeah frankie fucking ruled yeah frankie was like

like getting nothing made me feel more like a comedian than becoming friends with nate and you and like getting into that because it felt like we weren't the cool kids. Like dude, I remember when you had Bar Four and Hannibal decided to start his show and Hannibal's show was like sold out, like overflowing

and then Giannis would just go up with his beer and his thing and he'd be like, Ali Wong would be going to do Hannibal's show. He'd go, hey, tell Hannibal to send the overflow over here.

He'd just be mad and we'd be drinking and he'd be like, hey, tell Hannibal to send whatever fucking extra ones he's got tell him we got fucking room

I'll tell you what there should Frank Gallo should do a comedy special for comedians yes because that's the only thing

that I think could truly make comedians laugh yeah we're so jaded and like you watch comedy you can't really enjoy it because you're always thinking

oh that's a great bit. Yeah. But Frank Gallo was so bad at comedy that it was funny. He would go up with these laminates. You remember the laminates? Yes. And he'd do like the cock burglar, the cock alarm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'd do these things. I remember I was always watching Frank. And he did pussy lips when he did the act out. And he'd fly away with the pussy lips and you'd see comics in the back of the room. The whole audience would just be staring going,

what the fuck is this? They'd be horrified and then comics in the back would just be dying laughing. I would either have my beer near the foosball table or I'd be over at the bar ordering just watching Frankie like this.

All right. He had this laminates. He had these cartoons that he had laminated and he'd go through them. He'd be like, what happened? If somebody breaks in, your alarm may not work. But you know what definitely will work?

A cock alarm. And you're like, what? And it was just a fucking cock coming out of a clock. And then you see it going into the burglar's mouth. Like, oh. Dude, it was like this font. Harris Stanton said that to me one time at stand up new york he was like dave chapelle told him years ago he's like if you don't enjoy coming up you're not going to enjoy when you get there and then you look back and you're like i understand

that completely now because it was like you just watch people try shit those bucket mics at the village lantern where you're like what is that but then occasionally you would see a fucking nate bargetzi or somebody where you're like holy shit that dude's funny yeah and it's awesome yeah it's like uh you you're seeing people come up you're experiencing coming up the the stories are just the funnest the experiences are the funnest i have so many fucking like me and nate on the road i remember one time we got so drunk we did a show in Vermont or something it was snowing I mean like Brattleboro I think it might have been Brattleboro it was snowing we were hanging out with these chicks afterwards and I was so drunk this is one of Nate's favorite was so drunk the car pulled over to get some food and I was like passed out in the in the back and

then I just woke up and thought I didn't know where we were. I thought we were home. I didn't know where home was. So I just got out of the car and started walking into the snow and he was just dying laughing. I mean, do we have, there's so many funny fucking stories. Yeah, it's crazy now that like, Nate sells out the wind now.

He's like a big comic, yeah. But we used to go do like, dining halls in Connecticut for like 200 bucks yeah i mean i remember you driving me back and me drinking vitamin water with rum in it just being like dirt bags just being like yannis do you guys remember when you drove me back from montreal and i was so hungover and i remember yannis i swear to god i remember this clear as day i was i was so hungover i was sleeping in the back

and yannis is looking in the rearview mirror at me hungover i remember and he goes all you gotta do is quit drinking he goes he goes danny soda only problem all you gotta do is quit drinking and i remember being in the back like shut the fuck up yannis pull over i want to smoke a cigarette yeah yeah well that was i'm glad i'm really like happy for you that you quit that. That would have been a point. Yeah, but that was. That would have been an alternate universe where you just like. I mean, it got real bad.

And like because you, you know, gave me Alan's phone number and I started going to therapy and realized that I was an alcoholic and that it was a lot of my fault. Yeah. You know? And then you're like, oh shit. All right. You get accountability and you start looking at like, you know. It just doesn't lead anywhere good as you get older. You're no you can't keep going into your 30s 40s the amount i

miss it is so little yeah you know i think i'll hit nine years next march congrats yeah that's a long time yeah dude yeah it starts like dude like your career and you can oh you can almost see it you can almost see it like you quit drinking i got good shit when i was drinking i got conan i got a comedy central half hour but then like i took the alcohol out and first you start doing stand-up yeah without drinking and you're like raw your nerves are like shit you can hear everything and then you're like oh i sucked yeah i was but then sometimes you see bits and you're like that's a good bit i've had you go both ways where i'm like dude in between michelle wolf had one of my favorite jokes in between taping my hbo special at uh the bowery ballroom i didn't like the first show you know it was like just me michelle and like one other person in the dressing room and i'm like

mad i'm like fuck that first show fucking sucked It was my fault. I wasn't good. I just need to relax or whatever and wolf is just there on her phone and she goes I know you start drinking again And it made me laugh or I was like fuck you cuz I know that's exactly what I was thinking The drinking is bad, but but a lot of fun stories. God damn, I had some fun stories. Dude, I remember another one. Me and Nate did a college together in Springfield, and we went to the bar, and he put his card

down for us to do a tab, and I was like, I'll pay you back half late or whatever. And we got so hammered, and all the students were there too, and some guy said something. This is a funny Nate story. Some guy said something. This is funny. Nate's story. Some guy said something. We were with like one guy who was gay. Yeah. And like a lot of these guys at the bar like started making fun of him because he was gay.

And Nate just wanted to fight him. Yeah. So Nate, one of the funniest lines is Nate goes, why are you making fun? I was like, Nate, dude, we're going to get fucked up. Yeah. There's more in the house. Yeah. But he goes, he goes up to him.

He goes, he goes, because Nate always defends the underdog. Always. You know, always. So he goes over. He goes, you're making fun of that dude. Like, and one guy, what's your fucking problem? And he's trying to start the fight, and the guy goes, he's a, he's a, he called him a slur, and Nate goes, and the funniest thing that he goes, Nate goes drunk, he goes, he

goes, and you can hear Nate saying, he goes, yeah, that's his deal, but what's your deal though? That's his deal. Yeah, whatever, man. That's what he's got going on. Yeah, that's his deal. Why don't you learn a little bit better. But what's your deal, though? That's his deal. Yeah, whatever, man. That's what he's got going on. Yeah, that's his deal. Why don't you learn a little bit better? But what's your deal?

Anyway, we argued a little bit. It didn't end up happening. This is the best part of the story. Then he goes to pay his tap. He goes to pay his tap. The whole bar had been using his tap. His tap was $800. This was back when we were all broke.

And he just pays it, and we laughed, and it was like there was nothing you could do. Like those kids had heard at some point that he put down a tab, and as college kids, they just fucking kept going, put it on his tab. That's brilliant. I did that in Arizona, but $800 is hilarious.

For a broke Nate to get an $800 tab? Yeah. I mean, was he doing a lot of this? It's bananas. Yeah, I think800 is hilarious. For a broke Nate to get an $800 tab? Yeah. I mean. Was he doing a lot of this? It's bananas. Yeah, I think it's bananas. He's like, that's his deal, but what's your deal? I mean, I don't even.

I get it. I get it. We like, that was like, I gave him half, I think, and we just chalked up our pay. We're like, we paid for fucking Springfield University or whatever to just drink on that. So fucking funny. To like almost beat a comedian up,

but instead I got drunk on him. Yeah. I mean, there's so many good stories coming up. It was a time and it's just, it's, you feel nostalgic when you think about it. Yeah.

But then that's also like, you also realize kind of how lucky we are now to still be doing it and still have the opportunity to do it. And it's like, you know, they always threaten canceling, but canceling isn't really canceled you're more like you lose the fun shit for a while right you got to go back down go back

it's like you know go back five steps yeah you get sent down you sent down you get sent down like louie's back yeah yeah yeah even though he'll never be that again right but it's like he still sells out it's like a knee injury yeah you're like ooh you're MVP yeah you might have to go back just to be an all-star yeah you become Antonio McDyess yes

yeah Derek Rose yeah McDyess dude two knees yeah he was on the Nuggets twice

I love Antonio McDyess that dude was fucking when him and Amari I don't think I saw two more Sean Kemp maybe Sean Kemp

Amari Stoudemire Amari Stoudemire Antonio McDyess more like thunderous yeah powerful athletic force that just like wow bang like yeah dude mcdice big two forward yeah and then he loved him on the nuggets blew out those knees and then he just had that like 12 footer and then when he would dunk it would like it would it looked like a steph curry dunk yeah like when old men get up. You're like, fuck. So this was fun, Dan.

Dude, I love you. You know what's crazy is I looked at the time and it shook me. What time is it? It's four. Oh. Yeah, that's why I was like. You're late. I'm fine, whatever. You know.

Yeah. We had a good time though. Yeah, dude. Always fun. Dan Soder, The Bonfire. You got to check out with Dan Soder and Jay Oakerson. Yeah, listen to The Bonfire. It's a podcast.

Go stream my HBO special. It's the one that I'm proud of. So please go watch that. And I love you, dude. You literally, man, have been like a guy that I've always, immediately when I walked in and I see Jesse and you, it's just a comfort level. The band is back.

But it's like you've always been good to the, to the people that deserve you to be good to. And it always shows, you know, like who are your friends with? It's like people come back to you for a reason. It's because you're always, you've always been like a straight shooting.

Awesome guy. Thank you, dude. Yeah. I love you. Yeah. I love you, buddy.

And it's like, I'll do this anytime you want. Thanks, bro. Come out here and sweat and fucking. Yeah we are brooklyn it's like we're doing this show in africa right my god dude i feel like i'm i feel like i'm on 60 minutes interviewing a dictator in central america i'm like but you were you agree to let the hostages go and they're gonna hang up like we gotta get you out of here we gotta get you out of here now

there is a helicopter outside. Jay's going to show up. I'm like, it was good. It was worth it. It was worth the trip out there. Take care, everybody. See you next time. Bye.

And of course, want to give a shout out to our super fans, small business shout outs, long days, loves to support the small businesses and you should do. Okay. First up, you got to give it to Mike Milanov, the crazy Bulgarian cat strangler. You got to go to his Instagram page, Fix Nation, T-H-I-X Nation. Follow him, throw your comments on there. He's the king. He's the big glue gunner. There's only one. He donates the most. Mike, we love you, brother.

Keep doing up whatever criminal enterprise you're doing that allows you to afford this podcast. We love you. You look like a wild kid. Then, of course, we got Eastside Cheesecake, the best fucking cheesecakes around. Go to eastsidecheesecakes.com. Follow him on the gram,

Eastside Cheesecake for your cheesecake porn. And if you're in the los angeles area go get yourself some cheesecake from julie and gregory gregory julie and gregory yanni bydance and of course we got joseph uh damonte up there blue agave on third avenue and bay ridge we're taking drew there for his birthday party we went already for his graduation party all the parties happen at blue agave all one word on the gram, Blue Agave Bay Ridge. Follow them and go eat in Bay Ridge. We're also brought to you by exclusiveautoshipping.com. Jared, my boy Jared, the screwed in Jewish kid. Go get your nationwide free quote right now.

Exclusiveautoshipping.com. If you're moving your car, they will move it to anywhere in the country. Exclusive auto shipping.com will move your wheels and they'll give you a free quote. Okay. Uh, then we're also brought to you by the fucking goat. Rob's mental playground. Rob's mental playground who did this hyena right here. Go commission a wild piece of art from, uh, from Rob. Keep him in business. Keep that mustache rolled up like that. So go to Rob's Mental Playground on the Instagram, Rob's Mental Playground on YouTube, robsmentalplayground.com and buy a print t-shirt. The kid's an artist essentially, and he's the wildest fan we got. He is a wild hyena. It is what it is. We're brought

to you also, guys, my boy Reese over here. Very cool, very cool. Tech Vera. They provide IT services for mid-sized businesses and small businesses located right there in Denton, Texas, services for mid-sized businesses and small businesses located right there in Denton, Texas, but it's worldwide, obviously, because it's the intranet. So small businesses turn to them instead of hiring IT staff, they hire TechVera to do all their IT stuff for them. So it is great. Don't let a nation state hack your network, encrypt your data, demand a ransom, call TechVera, and they will hide what you were jerking off to. TechVera.com, follow them on Facebook, TechVera IT, LinkedIn, TechVera. Go, if you're a small business and you need IT, hire them.

Boom, it makes it very easy right there. You don't got to hire individual tech people. You hire TechVera, they do everything for you. TechVera, we love you. And we got a new guy who hasn't gotten his copy yet, so he will get his read next time. Chris Minetti. Chris Minetti. He's got some sort of thing in Philly, right? So he's going to be drinking water. So we'll hear from him. And guys, I think there's three more slots right now. We bumped it up to 10 and

that is it so go if you have a small business go there right now get your shot out and that's it we're closing it at 10 that is all huh the hawaiian kid mata ma he's got pata or mata this is a kid for the free for the free is all things Hawaiian uh Hawaiian music dude for the free right

is that what it is where's his fucking read again for the free dot US the Jay Dizzle behind the camera remembers it

for the free dot US go there to find out about all the local bands in Hawaii uh listen to them follow them all the local bands in Hawaii. Listen to them, follow them, all the music events happen in Hawaii. ForTheFree.us is a great website to go

to find all these new acts. This kid's goal is to keep music Hawaiian. He wants rock and roll bands to stay in Hawaii. So go check out, dude, go discover all these new bands in Hawaii. Support them, all right? Go peruse forthefree.us and if you're vacationing in Hawaii, hook up with some of these bands and go see their shows, all right? Call them up.

Say, yo, dude, what's up? What's the cooking spots? Who are the artists I should know about? If you're a music fan, you cannot, and you listen to this podcast, you have to go to forthefree.us and find out who, Disco Mars is from there, right, Bruno Mars is from fucking Hawaii, so is Dog the Bounty Hunter, so if you're into guys who got mullets, and occasionally might say the N-word on camera, or if they dance real good, those are the only Hawaiian

people I know, and I mean, if you didn't think a guy like Dog the Bounty Hunter was going to slip an N-word in somewhere, I mean, that's a kid who looks like he says it before breakfast. Guys, patreon.com slash yannilongdays. I want to welcome our newest long haulers to the gang. Daniel Cherno-Belsky. Real Polak. You know what? You got to slow down the last name to sound it out.

Julian Local 3 Steel Pipe in my ass. Julian, Local 3, Steel Pipe in my ass. Welcome. Joshua P. Marcus Walter. Jonathan Franco. Sergeant McBalls. Chad Brophy.

Mike Villa. Chase May. SK. Kyle N. Earl, Kyle N. Earl, Justin Dean, Festy Cree, Jonathan Cordero, Deep State Fun Times, Uncle Terry, TheRealPoombanzaji, and his picture is Aziz Ansari. So it's the real Pum Banzaji. The real Pum Zanjambi. Pum Banzaji.

The real Pum Banzaji. So kids making a joke. Andrew Buckley, Ryan, Daniel Stevenson, Sandra, welcome. Michael Hamlet Jr. Guy threw junior. You didn't need to put the junior in there. You're a wasp. Jason, welcome.

Maria129. Chris Minetti, who's our new small business shout out. Welcome. We'll get you read next time. And Father Bill spackled my poop chute with his glue gun. Welcome. And that is it, guys. We'll see you next time.

Join patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Join up. Go to iTunes. Write a funny review right now. Five stars. And write a review on iTunes. Tell your friends. Peace.

It's been a long day.