Yannis Pappas Hour - Splash Splash in the Daisy Dukes

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Merry X-MAS, cyclops cult! It’s been a great 2021so far! Here’s a free peak at a full Christmas Squeaky Clean episode! Its a christmas present! In return, Yanni wants you to join https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays for his Christmas present this year! Amphibious Yanni is in the tub as per usual for the Long Haulers. He wants Christmas to be longer abd has a proposition on why and how and he makes up his own Christmas carol based on Santa being hijacked by the Taliban. JK Rawling is under attac so more and Yanni covers the gaslighting thats’s burning bright lights for the big man’s birthday this year, and more! This is a wild one. Bon voyage 🛳. Yanni’s Patreon is great. It’s a no holds barred, intimate comedy experience.It’s real. See you soon, new Long Hauler.See Yanni live in Plano, TX Jan 6-8 tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello fans, Merry Christmas. Daddy Long Day's here. I'd like to wish all the fans and prospective fans for 2022 a Merry Christmas. I would also like to extend an olive branch to my Scroogean Jews, my Muzzies, and my Celebrators of Kwanzaa. Happy holiday season to you. We are one. Also, the aliens that come and just jack off to us, I'd like to say hello to you too. I know you come, you hover, and you leave quick because after you bust, you lose interest. I'd like to say konnichiwa to you too. It's Christmas and I would like you all to know about my Patreon, patreon.com slash yannilongdays. So for Christmas, I'm giving you a free episode

of the latest Squeaky Clean, which is my weekly bonus episode over on my channel, patreon.com slash yannilongdays. Enjoy it, listen to it. It's me, it's intimate, it's unbridled, it's wild. Come bathe with me in 2022. For Christmas, me and my family would like as a present for you to join my Patreon, patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days. It's only $5 a month to access the weekly bonus episode. And if you'd like further content, video content, you go at a higher tier.

I love you all. And shout out to Santa because he's coming to town to break into your house and have sex with your wife. Down in Spobis. Yeah. When you all talked up in the David Mall And the news online going on and on.

What's right and wrong? And there's something up. Now here comes a great kid you know you can trust. From the true who's who. To the news and cameras. To the fake politics. And the propaganda. Yeah, this kid's screwed in.

Got a lot to say. Aw, shit. It's about to be a long day. It's a long day. It's a long day coming. It's a long day. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you took it away. Indian giver, you're cheating on me. On Christmas, you cheat in floozy.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. Okay? So you're cheap. You didn't get me a present? I mean, this isn't a Disney movie. This is not a studio Hollywood movie. Love is not enough. I want the PlayStation 5. I want an iWatch. I want Tommy John's underwears.

No, I'm not sponsored by Tommy John's underwears. No, I'm not sponsored by Tommy John's Underwears, but they are missing a good opportunity to have an enthusiastic, charismatic spokesperson who has a grassroots followers of Fediverse, Fedomaniacs, long haulers, and such behind him. Let's grow together, Tommy Johns. My fucking dick has never been more comfortable. You even have some sort of rippled area for farts. It's almost like it's got a COVID-19 mask built in to the underwear that does something that converts farts,

smells into meatloaf smells which kind of smell like farts but also smell good i don't know what kind of technology you have in there what kind of converter you have but tommy john's underwears have changed my life now they're no cheap purchase have changed my life now they're no cheap purchase tommy john's underwears will run you anywhere from 35 to 40 bucks but it is worth it i am absolutely fading out my haynes imperfect packets that i get from discount stores i don't know what the imperfection is but i've been slightly uncomfortable for about 20 years because i'm very picky about what I spend money on. Sneakers, I'll splurge. Underwear, I look for the discount imperfect packs, which I just think they call them imperfect.

But really, they're just selling them to the lower class for a cheaper price. And they justify it being in that store by calling it imperfect because it's all the same shit. It's all cheap. The profit margin is still a profit margin, albeit it's a little less when you sell it to underprivileged people, but you're still in the black. And you don't want to lose that market just because your undies are too expensive. So what they do is a few, quote unquote, fall off a truck and find their way into Filene's basement. That way they protect their high class brand recognition, their brand aura, their brand. But then they also slip a few shirts to the fucking poor kids at TJ Maxx.

You could find a polo shirt at tj maxx it's the same shit that you could find at bloomies in the little bloomies kiosk in macy's so that's how i used to wear my undies until I came across Tommy John's. I don't know who makes them. I don't know what they make them of, but God damn it. My glue gun has never been more happy. I've taken it off the antidepressants, and my glue gun is as happy as a kid who's discovered CBD works for him. I've also purchased a tin of cbd i put it in my upper lip last night i thought i felt more calmer but you know it could just be goddamn placebo it's hard to tell cbd does it work i don know. I stuck one packet inside my anus and just, I wanted to get as much to my bloodstream as possible.

So I stuck one in my anus. I plopped it in there. And I just lived with it in there like a drug mule on an international flight from Venezuela. Shout out to the Venezuelan, whatever, Venezuelan hammer, the Venezuelan bull dyke, the Venezuelan man

in the dyke relationship who also does MMA, who beat another bull dyke from Brazil in a huge upset in MMA. Ladies MMA was shook up as Peña beats Nunes. huge upset in mma ladies mma was shook up as pena beats nunez and it was fun to watch those two fellas tussle around a little bit um true ladies though they were true ladies i joke i can't but

you know i i believe you know there's a little those two chicks They don't need extra testosterone shots They were born with a little extra And ready to go And I mean that in a complimentary That's what made them lesbians type of way I mean, those are strong ladies It was a strong outing, exciting fight And one of them was from Venezuela

Venezuela and one of them was from Venezuela Venezuela Merry Christmas to all I really can't stay it's the song about rape they say but really it's just an old flirtation where the chick is just playing hard

to get because it turns her on and gets her pussy wet back in the days when most women could read a good man or a bad gut man most women could read that they don't want to put themselves in a bad situation and they want to be with the guy who they want to chase them i really can't stay baby it's cold outside um that's smooth dog my man is smooth because it's playful obviously okay don't cancel the song it's playful obviously being a cold outside is not gonna stop someone who wants to leave the apartment it's not like he was blocking the door with his dick in his hand like lou CK, who didn't do that either.

But they make everyone seem like they're blocking doors with dicks in their hand. Nobody's blocking doors with dicks in their hand. Just a bunch of horny dudes and nature set up imperfectly for women to be attracted to semi-aggressive guys who are confident. So it's a very confusing situation. Because yes, some guys go overboard. And yes, some women are stupid

and like those guys. In fact, I will admit in my life, the guys that I've seen women like the most are the biggest pieces of shit. The biggest liars, the biggest could care lesses.

That's who you like. So all this bullshit I've seen in the press recently about how guys are garbage i'm like those are the guys you like and i know it's cliche but i'm not talking about the cliche i'm not relying on the cliche for my opinion i am relying on hard, firsthand experience. I've watched it over and over again. Chicks love assholes. They don't dig geeks. So she was happy to be flirted with.

Because saying it's cold outside is a playful way of just being like masculine and alpha and wanting to get her pussy wet. Her puss puss moisty moist. Splishy splash. Okay? You don't want to go to Six Flags Great Adventure. You want to go to Six Flags Waterworld splash, splash, splash

in the Daisy Docks. Splash, splash, splash. God, it's the most amazing thing on the planet. A self-lubricating calamari. Que pasa, mi gente? Calamari. Baby, it's cold outside. How smooth is that? Come on, baby. The wind chill factor is negative 10.

Stay inside and be cozy with me. I really can't stay. Even the playfulness is in her voice. I got to go home. And then they redid a song. They redid it. You know, as that obviously wasn't pandering to, you know, a demographic who hated what they interpreted the song to be.

So it's like, hey, look, there's a market for this. Let's just make another song. And, you know, the kid who plays on the piano who's married to the bitch who everyone hates now, what's his name? Alicia O'Kees? Alex Keys? I can't remember his name.

Mike Judge? You know who he is, the one who's married to the fucking model who doesn't look like she should be modeling. Her face looks like it got reconstructed after she played that fucking mutant in Goonies. What's her name?

The one who's always getting in trouble for running her mouth online and now everyone hates her even though they used to love her. Big comedy fan. She's married to the black smooth kid who plays on the piano. You're saying it out there,

but I can't hear you. Rub-a-ducky, you're the one. I love Christmas more than life itself. If I was president, I would make Christmas December, January, and February. I'll let March be March. It's fucking miserable.

We need it. But we got to put lipstick on a pig. And the pig is January, February. Pig. Put lipstick on it. Throw a slap of makeup on those two shitty months that everyone who lives at the top of the fucking equator has to deal with, especially the ones who are up a little norther, a little more north. Put some, slap some makeup on that bitch. Christmas should be two months

minimum. Christmas songs, Christmas lights. I hate seeing Christmas lights in January And feeling like it's not Christmas anymore Just keep Christmas going Okay The big boss's birthday is on the 25th Great Christmas Eve Boom

Also a holiday Bang Week after Christmas Still fucking Christmas Till New Year's Boom New Year's happened Guess what

Fucking because Jesus got resurrected from the dead Christmas gets resurrected after fucking New Year's and now he's alive for 33 more fucking days to signify every year that that fucking Jew boy

was prancing around the planet in sandals spreading the good word of daddy to Jews who didn't want to hear it. And a few who did. Boom. My presidential platform. That's how you know

we don't have a true democracy. Because if we did have a true democracy, anyone could just get elected by going up and saying, hey, guess what? The work week is now four days or three days okay we increase it into 10 hours big deal most americans work 10 hours anyway 10 hours three days a week and then you get a four-day weekend to go get liddy

the platform is called liddy Titty. Litty and Titty. Who wouldn't get elected? You know? That's why pure democracy, you can't really have it. Because anyone could just have a platform, you know. That's why they have parties and all these things to allow you to get there. Because if it was just pure democracy, you know know one of the mel kids or whoever's popular on social media especially nowadays could just say hey dog christmas is now three months the

work week is now three days prostitution is now uh free like health care in canada and it's taxed and it's a government service so those chicks get tax breaks and uh guess what uh molly molly's legal that silence was not anything other than me searching through my mental Rolodex to try to remember what they call the synonymous word used for Molly. It used to be called, you want a trip on ecstasy. What's the deal is Yachty Pappas? Are we going to create a long haul Christmas carol? What's the deal is, this time of season? Where it's warm and cozy in the fire.

You're not in the fire, though, unless you're in trouble. And being burned by natives in their native ancient cultures of sacrifice. Or maybe you were murdered by a friend. Maybe you were murdered by a scorned lover. Maybe you were murdered by a psychopath on the loose who wanted to get rid of the evidence. But you're not in the fire. What's the deal? Let's get new tires. You've rotated them a year ago and it's time to rotate them again. Life doesn't stop just becauseanta's in the sky santa's been hijacked by muslim terrorists he's not gonna make it this year what's the dollars your presents aren't coming down the chimney because you don't live in a chimney you're middle class and live in a apartment in the city woe is you santa usually

comes through the fucking window that's always left open because you can't afford an air conditioner oh bubbles but this year santa's been hijacked by the taliban and they're flying santa's sled Santa sled straight into the Freedom Tower straight into the Freedom Tower but Christmas will prevail as this unleashes the holy war just like Franz Ferdinand's murder the Freedom Tower falls because it was assisted by a controlled demolition that made it fall and free fall. And we all wonder what the government's role was there or not. But then we find hard evidence that there was government false flag cooperation. They knew it was going to happen and let it happen, so they didn't exactly do it to themselves.

And since we all are game for a holy war, we just ignore it like we do a lot of other crimes if someone has talent. Ben Roethlisberger, think I raped two people, but the kid's got a nice arm. He made it back into the league just like Ray Lewis who I think also murdered. But when you got the talent you were free. So we look the other way at the government intervening and collaborating and letting the Santa sled hit the Freedom Tower because it initiates a holy war

that we all want just because we all have existentialists on ye and we're sick of the pandemic. So once the war starts to take over, the pandemic slides in the news headlines. People still die from it, but not as many as before because what you don't know won't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss, and we're on to new headlines. Like another sled flew into what used to be called the Hancock Building in Chicago. So we bombed the shit out of the Middle East.

So we bomb the shit out of Russia. So we bomb the shit out of China. Because why the fuck try to keep this all going anymore? Let's just get fucking

litty. Merry Christmas. From your holiness. Yanni Longdays. That was a pretty lit Christmas carol, right? Let's just fucking go, babe. I'm ready. Let's rock and roll.

Arm up. I got a.22 fucking rifle with 10 in the magazine. Come at me, Muhammad. Come at me, commies. I'm ready. Oh, man. Let's just let it all go. There's going to be like a purge.

It's going to happen after everyone's been trying to watch what they say, whatever, for so many years. Like trying to follow all the PC rules. People just gonna go i've had enough let's get these chinamen and let's get these copy russian bastards and build a wall around a country and march all these mexicansicans out, including you, Pablo Francisco. Nobody uses the movie phone anymore. Talk about a kid who fucking snatched it when he could, but then spent it all on cocaine, I assume. Kid made a nice couple of mil

rolling around doing this summer. It's a nice couple of mil. Rolling around doing this summer. It's a new pandemic. RoboCop is... She was from the inner city. He was from the German Highlands. Get down. Get down here. They were the professional part two. Talk about a kid who made a couple milli

I love Christmas man So freaking much I hope they just extend it And keep it going That's my platform That's what I'm here for More Christmas Let's put some lipstick

On that pig What that is January And Feb Now let's get to some trending topics in news. With your favorite newscaster, pronouns, hee-haw. Your favorite man of the hour, David Druid. He's got good fucking hair.

What's his name on ABC News? Hi, I'm David Koresh. I think it's Druid. Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy.

Looks like Pfizer is trying to give us fucking it's probably just ivermectin. And I bet you Joe Rogan and that cross-eyed scientist he just had on, and one of the fucking Weinstein twins, unlike the Wawa twins whose podcast I just did, Are You Garbage? Go check it out. I bet you they were fucking right.

And ivermectin cures AIDS and COVID. So now, but they just silenced it because Pfizer wanted to fucking beat Merck out. The problem was a lot of these fucking kids thought ivermectin was like this cheap alternative to a vaccine when the vaccine

is fucking free. And ivermectin costs at least a little bit of money. So actually the vaccine is cheaper. But who gives a fuck. The vaccine makes you grow horns. Explodes your fucking heart. And turns you into a fucking commie muzzy. So I get it.

And I agree. Probably this Pfizer pill. Is just fucking ivermectin 7.0. Who cares. As long as this pandemic is in the fucking rearvermectin 7.0. Who cares? As long as this pandemic is in the fucking rear view, I don't give a shit who's making money. Just put it in the fucking rear view. Daddy wants to go out and not have to wear a mask

because I'm too cute to keep this fucking face lassoed. Okay? You cannot muzzle this fucking beauty. My face needs to be unholstered for the fucking letters and the people with worms to

appreciate. Okay? Okay? I would love to upgrade trans women to just call them women because then it would make it seem a lot less gay when you're attracted to one of them I'm all for it there was a town hall meeting and they said who is for calling trans women women and women people with wombs? I will go, I'll take that. I will take that,

Jerry, for 500. I will take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. So Pfizer's coming out with a new goddamn pill that they just submitted to the FDA for emergency approval. They've already shipped a whole bunch to the United States

and it's called Plavacol or whatever the fuck it's called. Plavix or Plasavid or the exact name is Paxlovid. Why do they all have the same fucking type of names? Just call it Yas, pal. Have some fun with it. Nobody wants to go with paxlovid why do all our medications sound like belarusian surnames paxil ivermectin

paxlovid sounds like a goddamn ukrain family. Let's Americanize these names and call it Yas! Fucking Yas. Call it the fucking Yas pill. More people would take it and just be funner. Where are you going? I'm going to get the fucking Yas pill. And then someone just responds by going,

Fuck yas. It's like in Greek tradition, you say Christ has risen, and then the person goes, He truly has risen. You go, I'm going to get the fucking yas pill. And they go, Fuck yas. It's a calm response.

Yas. Yas is fun. Oh, it's just fun. Just shake off your genitalia for one moment. Be non-binary and just say Yas. So Albert Bourla, who's a Greek, he's a Jewish Greek. He's an Ashkenazi Greek Jew from northern Greece. He's a Greek. He's a Jewish Greek. He's an Ashkenazi Greek Jew from Northern Greece.

He's a Jew. He's the CEO of Pfizer, and he's confident the full result from the clinical trials will show that the oral antiviral pill Paxlovid reduces COVID hospitalization and death by 89%. 89% is a good number, see? That works. That'll end the pandemic. And just keep the, who cares about the conspiracy theories? Keep them going. I don't give a shit.

If it ends it, it ends it. You know? Hospitals are no longer clogged. There's no more fear. We can unmuzzle these cute fucking faces. All right? Because enough's enough. Everyone's falling into a depression because they can't see my face. I'm beautiful. I'm a beautiful, attractive man. And you know it. Yes, I may have peaked when I was 18 to 21, but I still have made a few comebacks

where I've lost weight and sharpened everything up. You know, it happens for about a week a year, like Groundhog's Day. But for a week a year, I get into a groove, get in shape, fucking get the eyebrows threaded, get the hair just right. I get the body just right.

And for a week, I'm fucking a cutie. And then I fall into a Flintstone big deal the kid likes cheese I eat a lot of carbs and cheese and I can't stop broccoli does not cut it unless I completely suck it up with melted cheese and barbecue sauce I'm what you call triple fat nothing can be done so they're going to submit the full data to the fda in the coming days the fda is going to prioritize it. And President Joe Biden, I'm only saying his name to remind him of what it is, said last month the U.S.

has bought 10 million courses of Paxlovid, and delivery will start at the end of the year. Now, here's the small part that I was a little concerned about. As interim data showed in November, Paxlovid is being taken in combination

with the popular HIV drug Ritonovir. Again, another fucking Ukrainian kid. So that's a little concerning. I don't have AIDS. Why the hell would I have to take an HIV drug with the Paxlovid if we're treating COVID and not AIDS? God damn it.

What are they trying to do to us? Enough. Give me a fucking Tylenol and some antifungal cream. And I bet you I could knock it out with a little vitamin D, zinc, and three Wastadillas. Imagine the cure for COVID is just three Wastadillas. And that's why nobody's died from my fucking tribe. I bet you the aliens have a sense of humor like that.

Like they hide the cure in some strange esoteric expression that like one kid says and he doesn't get COVID but nobody would ever believe it and he's got no way to know it. And it's just something to entertain them. Like maybe if you say Wusted D, six times, you just can't catch COVID.

But you'd have to be a fan of the show. You'd have to say, what's the dollar, six times, when you get early symptoms of COVID. And you'd also have to be taking vitamin D, the cure-all vitamin that cures AIDS, sickle cell anemia, and faggotry. Sorry, I'm just getting loose tonight. All right? Joey Rogues, he says take vitamin D, baby, and the kids of man. We can't have any more of this puss-puss running around. I apologize.

I'm just having too much fun with my peoples behind the fucking paywall. I got all those paper plates from every episode. Should I auction them off? Do you guys want them? What do I do with the paper plates that have all the show notes on them? Would you guys want those as souvenirs to frame them and put them in your asshole i also have all the shirts i've worn that i buy for the episodes and i i'm never gonna wear them again they're fucking cool t-shirts so what should i do fucking sell them or throw them on a patreon i'm open to ideas also Also, the live chat. Should I make it only Patreon members?

Should it only be Patreon members who are allowed to be part of the episode when I do it? Talk to me in the comments, you cocksuckers. Talk to me. Talk to me. I'm your grandmother. You never call. You never call. Please, don't forget me. I'm your grandmother. You never call. You never call. Please.

Don't forget me. I'm lonely here. I'm listening to the radio at a.m. And it's all. I'm trying to get out of here. You never call your grandmother. Excuse-moi. Excuse-moi. Excuse-a-moi.

Now, let's talk a little bit about my girl, J.K. Rowling, who I deem sort of a piece. I mean, that she's so incredible and wrote those books herself with not even the help of a man. To be able to write that book with 37% the size of a male brain is very impressive for a bitch to be able to do.

So hats off. Hats off to fucking Gloria Estefan who was able to write Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer's Bone and whatever other books she wrote. I don't read children's books. I'm not into surreal shit, okay? Once your fucking unicorn starts talking or a giraffe is giving me directions,

I'm out. I'm Yanni Longdays. I want to watch a fucking documentary about a serial killer, a war, murder, philosophy, and I want to play chess.

I like reality. I'm not scared of it. I'm not scared. I want to know about adopted people and why they become criminals i want to know i want to watch sports real fucking reality whether somebody loses they get dominated by someone else and they're going to swallow their pride and walk away with a sore pussy while the other one's waving his big dick because he dominated with his pseudo penis and hurt someone else's feelings i don't mind reality i want to see the monsters under the bed i want to know what the truth is i can't deal with a bush talking to me in the bible or a giraffe

saying what's the dullest or a fucking magic prince floating in the stars or whatever goddamn surreal child bullshit that they made into a movie with fucking weird characters talking weird fucking languages I don't want to see it I want to see a Woody Allen movie where he hides his affinity for pedophilia in the script and everyone's having affairs but it's still a damn good fucking movie because it's about it's well written let me throw a fucking ducky in the water okay i got three fucking little mini rubber duckies here should i put one in my asshole comment on the board let me me know. I could, next episode, do the full episode with a pink little mini rubber ducky in my ass to see if you can tell the difference. I'll kill you. Get it out of the tub.

Daddy's at work. Daddy's at work. I'm going to stick that rubber ducky into my asshole. Get it out of there now. I'm fucking losing it. I don't care anymore. I got the booster shot today and it's making me fucking throw

grow another puss puss. I got the Moderna booster. So now I'm really going to die because I had COVID. I got the Johnson and Johnson. We know that that's made of toxic baby powder. And then I got the Moderna,

which is fucking Hilaria Baldwin's company. It's out of Spain or some shit. Moderna. I think they also make Dos Equis. This summer,

he was a tortilla boy. She was a wasp born in Connecticut. He was doing her lawn. She was tired of having the dog lick peanut butter off her pussy. She invited Juan up into the master bedroom. Forbidden love this summer. Undocumented love this summer.

Cut to the courtroom. I can't, mira, mira, mira. Yo quiero, yo quiero, yo quiero, corazón, corazón, corazón. Corazón. Becky, yo quiero Corazon. Mom and Dad, I didn't know what happened. I didn't know what happened.

He broke in and he raped me. Yo quiero Corazon. Por qué, por qué? I'm sorry, Juan. I can't. You're undocumented. My parents and friends will fucking kill me. I had an affair with an illegal.

Cut to AOC press conference. Nobody is illegal. There's no such thing as illegal. And what Becky did was take advantage of her power dynamic. But you're like, wait, wasn't she a woman? Yes. But she's a white woman speaking from a place that's a pittance with money and white and Caucasian and she was white

and being white gave her white power and she had white power over him. And then cut to Ted Cruz. You know, things happened. You know,

you can't, a woman shouldn't read or work. It's back to family values. She should be on their hands and knees, mopping the kitchen. You know, this is why you can't let them make decisions for themselves. Cut to Juan in prison. Yo, bro, you got to join us, homes.

You're not speaking English. All I want to do is landscape and get to Becky. The only way out of here, bro, is to come with us, ese. Otherwise, those Nazis over there are gonna eat you up, bro. Don't want

to die, Holmes. Come over here, bro. You're Mexican. Juan had to join a Mexican gang to survive and get back to Becky. This summer, Pablo Francisco's going back on the road to sell a fucking multi-million dollars worth

of tickets in Sweden. Which is what happened. The kid got popular in fucking Sweden because of the internet around 2009. And he cleaned up doing the movie phone. And they don't even have the movie phone in fucking Sweden. I think they just liked his Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. And then he went and he did it.

For an hour. I think he ran out of fucking seasons. He was like, this winter. This autumn. Get off the plane. Oh. So Juan makes his way back to Becky after he gets prison raped,

joins a gang, gets released. It's a whole long story. I don't like to get into it. Anyway, we digress as usual. As per usual, we digress. We have digressed. Let's talk about J.K. Rowling, which is where we digress from.

Oh, Yanni. Council culture, council culture, Yanni. I'm a fan of your stand-up. I'm a fan of the podcast, but this Patreon isn't it. Fuck you. This Patreon's where the real fucking heaters are. Am I right? Am I right, my long-haulers?

Regulate. God damn it. So J.K. Rowling's made reference to 1984, the book by George Orwell, in reference to Scotland, Scotland, the land of William Wallace and Sean Connery. You have a mesh crotch. This is Sean Connery. You have a mesh crotch.

And supposedly in Scotland, no, you can be a boy who identifies as a girl. Scottish is really hard. I have to like watch a Scottish video to even want to make that dumb fucking accent. I can do it, but that one just turned into like a Greek Turk. Skotus, I'm from Scotland. What are you doing? Where are you going to go? Come here So the Scottish people have

Made a law That If you are Jesus Christ. What's going on in the West? If you're raped in prison as a female by a guy, there's no other way to say this. I'm sorry. By a guy who identifies as a female.

It goes down is that you were raped by a woman so let's let's let me look this is too important this story is too important to get anything wrong okay police have been criticized for saying they will record rapes by offenders with male genitalia as being committed by a woman if the attacker identifies as female. What the fuck is going on? What the

fuck is going on, dog? First of all, you can get into a female prison if you just tell them you identify as female and fucking like death metal so your hair is long. Or say you just started liking death metal so you're going to grow it. Or don't even tell them you're liking death metal. You just fucking start.

Say you identify as female and you're intending on growing your hair. You know? Dress up like a lady for a day or two. And then fucking it's a rape buffet During recess for you You're a criminal A violent criminal With a history of rape

But you decide to tell the po-po That you're a lady now You get to go first of all And be locked up with the female prisoners Who pose no threat to you I wonder why I wonder with the female prisoners who pose no threat to you, I wonder why. I wonder why the female prisoners don't make the guy

who identifies as a female nervous. Maybe it has something to do with anatomical differences in strength. And one of them has a thing you can kind of rape easier with. And the other one, it's kind of hard to rape with a puss puss. Because it's dependent on a hard peen. Not saying you can't do it. I'm just saying that what everyone knows.

So shut the fuck up. I'm sick of the bullshit. I don't have to explain that is obvious to all of us what the is going on in the west police in scotland said they would log rapes as being carried out by a woman if the accused person insists what the did the criminal have the right to tell you what to call them? Especially after they raped someone with their dick.

Oh, Jesus. This is the best part. Even if they have not legally changed gender. So, I repeat, you don't have to be on hormone therapy. You don't have to be on a hormone therapy. You don't have to have cut your piece off. You could be just a guy in a wig lying to enter.

You know how many guys are going to go to prison on purpose now? You know how many rapists are going to be like, yo, dogs, there is a fucking free buffet of rape meat in the women's prison in Scotland. I'm about to go steal some chocolates out of the pharmacy so I can get my free ticket to rape heaven. Where they're going to lock me up with a bunch of women who can't overpower me because I'm a guy and I'm a dangerous guy this is obviously a

patreon only episode oh my god this comes ahead of the proposed new laws to make it easier for people to self-identify as whichever sex they want, which are opposed by some feminist groups. No. No. No.

No. No. So, J.K. Rowling merely tweeted, she posted this article, and she tweeted, war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, the penis individual who raped you is a woman.

Obviously, yes, but of course, controversy, and of course, controversy. And of course, our reliable media. Every article. Now, let's just point it out. Let me take you through the gaslighting.

Because your gut tells you you're gaslighting, that you're being gaslit. But you're not a comedian who sits and dissects and satirizes bullshit constantly. So I will explain to you, like I did last episode, word by word, how bullshit this is.

Okay? Here is a media report tweet right here. This is the tweet. Let me just make sure this is still going. Okay, we're still here because this is good stuff, baby. Okay, we don't want that to go off. We want to keep recording, sweetheart. Thank you, babe.

This media outlet, their tweet said, some on social media described her latest remarks as transphobic and upsetting. That's the headline of the tweet. Let me fix that for you, you garbage, fucking crazy, possessed, cultish, insane media ally to fucking insane people. I'll fix the headline for you. Quote, start the headline. Most humans on the planet, and when I say most, I mean almost everyone. I'm talking 99.9999% of people on the planet

wholeheartedly support and agree with J.K. Rowling's as does the objective reality we all share. Next sentence. A few social media accounts described her as transphobic end quote fixed it for you i mean i can't believe i'm living in this world where this is actually a controversy where she's being bullied jk ron is being bullied by people who were born men and transitioned she's being bullied into accepting this precedent that guys first of all can go into a woman's prison if they say they're a woman which is ridiculous i mean there's less proof you

have to show that you're a woman to go to jail than you do to compete in the olympics at least the olympics you got to be off of you got to be on estrogen and off of testosterone or whatever it is for a year you have to be like you have to meet a certain level of testosterone which isn't enough and it's only one metric and that's bullshit. But to compete in the Olympics against women, you could have been a guy last year, but at least you got to be a chick for at least a full year. To go to prison, all you got to do is say you're a chick. Insist you're a chick and they can't stop you i mean if they don't see that if they don't fix this law that the male prison is going to be completely empty then you got another thing coming but i mean how did we get to this level of obvious insanity

where someone could literally be listening to what i'm saying and say that I'm a hateful person and that I'm insane when clearly I am not and they are. Clearly. More people got to start speaking up, man. She's trying to defend fucking women. Oh, but she's the turf jk rollins one of the most accomplished and impressive human beings to ever walk the earth and she's a woman is now not good enough is not enough of an icon for the left i'm telling you dog you guys are losing everyone there is a red wave coming in the midterms republicans are gonna fucking sweep up just because they're gonna

say hey you know what in order to go to a women's prison, you're going to have to have a pass pass. And maybe we'll do a third prison for trans people. Because that's not cool. And most people are going to go, God damn it. War makes for strange bedfellows. You got my vote, Dr. Oz. Yes. So, just had to fucking get that one off my chest. Because I had to give a long day.

I had to dole out a long day. I doled out a long day on that one. Okay. Hold on, let me fart. Okay, there was an avalanche on Crystal Mountain as well as the tornadoes. So the environment's falling apart. But, you know, whatever. We deserve it.

Whether you believe in climate change or not, I think we can agree on the fact that we deserve it. So end of argument. That's how you unify everyone Because you can't really make an argument against it Like don't we deserve it Both sides make it We kind of do

Alright So everyone can hold hands now And go share a Chick-fil-A sandwich Imagine if that rant was brought to you by Chick-fil-A Imagine if companies started Sponsoring content like this With you know product placement That would be hilarious

But they do it on the low They're like just don't tell anyone just throwing chick-fil-a I'm giving you ideas chick-fil-a because nobody's watching TV so your fucking commercials are getting no burn no eyeballs and even if they am watching it you think they sit through the fucking commercials no the only time they watch a fucking commercials is when they're fucking watching a Super Bowl and that is to watch the commercials because the commercials cost a lot of fucking money. It's part of the thing.

Nobody's sitting through the fucking commercials doing an episode of South Park or fucking The Daily Show or fucking whatever else. There's no commercials on Netflix or fucking Hulu or Peacock or any of that shit. When people see commercials, they fucking tune out. But if you throw them in conversation, you know, it gets in there.

So look, just make it part of the agreement yannis pappa signs a contract i'll sign an overall deal with chick-fil-a for a year i will never mention that chick-fil-a it's an nda is my sponsor but i will surreptitiously bring up chick-fil-a in my normal rants do you really care about what people think is funny you just nobody goes to the register and says hey how you doing i'm this person they just buy the fucking sandwich let's just do numbers chick-fil-a call me also mcdonald's best buy all the big boys i'm here i'm ready king z fucking wire money into my account and i will fucking change my tune about what I say about you. I am fucking non-binary when it comes to my fucking politics.

I am fucking politic-less. Like fucking, you know, every teenage girl is non-binary for a year. That's me, baby. I'm flexible. I'm open. Call me Benedict Arnold. Call me the Hunchback and fucking 300. I am a fucking traitor.

I will switch on you like a dime. One moment I'll say I got the vaccine. The next one I'll say it's fucking Bill Gates will crawl into your asshole. Whatever you want me to say, throw the fucking Bitcoin in the account. I'm talking to you, King Z. I could become your fucking advocate here on a grassroots level. could become your fucking advocate here on a grassroots level and then i'll spread the word to my comedian brethren that the chinese pay in fucking hardcore cash which you have a lot of because you bought it up they pay in hardcore fucking dollar debt

make me your servant i want to be a servant of the PLACCP. Communist China. I'll fucking flip my tune in a second and do it real easy so that people won't even know. You know? People only care about charisma anyway. They don't give a shit.

I'll fucking surreptitiously fucking inculcate them with your propaganda. King Z called me. San Francisco. Liberal politics are just not working in the cities. Not this new liberal shit. It's just not working.

And I don't think, you can only blame so much on the pandemic now because jobs are kind of back, you know? But if you have a store in San Francisco or Chicago, my favorite is Mayor Lightfoot. It looks like Beetlejuice

addressed all the snatch and grab crimes going on and the rapid drug use and the crime on the street and the stores. She addressed it and she said she's really disappointed at the proprietors of these stores because they're not employing security measures. She blamed

it on the store owners. I mean, we are living in an Orwellian time. Where crime is now the store owner's fault as well. J.K. Rollins is a sane person in an insane culture right now. That's what's going on. I support and defend her 100% and I also support trans people. But not the way

they want to be supported apparently. Because I don't support a dude being a really good swimmer and then transitioning and then the next year fucking blowing out the female competition and swimming at UPenn.

It's ridiculous. It's like a joke. Like I said last Patreon episode, I cannot add comedy to comedy. I can only give you a long day. With charisma. I can't make that into a joke because it's already a fucking joke.

The joke would be, can you imagine if I just started swimming, I would, you know. So that's what fucking Mayor Light said mayor forehead said about it um but uh san francisco residents wake up to news of attacks on asian american seniors burglarized residents and boarded up storefronts in the city's once vibrant downtown. And unfortunately, those Asians that are being attacked are not being attacked by khaki-wearing white supremacists. It's inconvenient, I know.

I'm sorry, media. It's inconvenient. I understand why you're in a pickle to report it. Just like you're in a pickle, and I said for like two years, the Ivy League admissions scandal was one of my favorite because it put the media in a pickle because the reason why the reason why uh you know asians were upset is because they were getting discriminated against for being too good. So they were displacing minorities and white people from admissions because they were just crushing them in the Ivy League admissions.

And it's like, what do you do with that? What do you do with that? Are Asians protected group? I mean, how are they crushing? What do we do? Your head explodes. You can't blame white people for that. Okay. your head explodes. You can't blame white people for that. Okay? If a black kid or a Mexican kid

or a fucking whatever doesn't get into Harvard it's not because of some fucking white kid it's because of the fucking Indians. And they wanted the discrimination to stop but then the president you know the the pundits on the left were going

you know this is bad. They're fucking discriminating against minorities. And the white people were going like, it's not us. It's sort of like when black people say they can't catch a cab. You're like, I'm not saying that's not true. But when's the last time you saw a white taxi driver, my friend? You might want to take that up with the muzzy community. Who had nothing to do with the history of this country. They're the ones

that are scared to pick you up. Pick it up with them. When's the last time you saw a white taxi driver? I'll tell you when. It was 1973. It was a movie directed by Martin Scorsese and he hadn't existed since the 70s. You never got into a cab

and a guy was like, what's up, man? What's going on? Uber, different story. Those are white. But, you know, there's a review system there. So everyone's got to be

on their best behavior. Just like comedians down the internet. I had a full episode removed now from YouTube. A full fucking episode. The episode was Fracture Side Maybe. It was fucking removed.

And I imagine it was removed because of my Alec Baldwin conspiracy and he killed that first AD because she had pertinent information about Hilaria not running with the Bulls. Pertinent information about Hilaria not running with the Bulls. I mean, a full episode has been fucking removed from YouTube. These tech companies are playing with fire. You're playing with fire. I am a satirist.

Everything I talk about is in the news. I should be free to joke about it. My fans know I'm joking. Nobody's here. I'm not Walter Cronkite, you asshole. You're fucking up, man. You're fucking up, social media companies. You're not policing the fake accounts and the fucking disinformation from people pretending to be earnest. And you're punishing fucking comedians who are admitting that they are comedians. And it's satire. It's not real. When I say I'm going to stick a vaccine

in my asshole or a rubber duck in my asshole, I don't mean it. Fuck is going on in this world? So San Francisco doesn't know what to do. Because Asian Americans are getting beat up. By, let's say, almost predominantly urban people. It just is what it is.

Oh, man. Oh, man. There's a widespread sense that things are on the wrong track in San Francisco, said Patrick Wolfe, a 53, retired professional chess player from the Boston area. Of course, that's where you move when you're a professional chess player, to San Francisco. A San Francisco woman was arrested after stealing more than $40,000 in goods from a Target over 120 visits. You should let her go. If she pulls that off for 120 visits, let her fucking keep whatever cheap fucking branded garbage they have at Target. He said, where's the progress? Yeah, that's the problem.

I mean, the cities are run by progressives, but all the cities are going to shit. Reports of larceny theft, shoplifting are up nearly 70%. Requests to clean dirty streets and sidewalks are the majority of the calls to 311, the city service line. Overall, though, crime has been trending down for years. More than 45,000 incidents have been reported thus far this year,

up from last year when most people were shut indoors, but below the roughly 60,000. Oh, so maybe it's not that bad. You know, maybe it's not that fucking bad. Maybe, I guess it's just everyone's imagination. If they say it in the paper, I guess it's just everyone's imagination when they walk around. I guess you can't trust your own eyes. You know, you just can't trust your own eyes when you're in Times Square and you go, I don't want to walk down that block

that I used to want to walk down to for the last 15 years. You just can't trust that because whoever anonymous person wrote this dumb fucking KTLA local news report said so. Said it's, you know, but crime is trending down.

I mean, you just spent the first two paragraphs telling me that it's up. Oh, Jesus. Cities are going to hell. Sorry, Seth Rogen. Federal Anti-Terror Unit investigated journalists. Ah, fuck that.

Jeff Bezos gets blasted after six dead in that Amazon warehouse that collapsed because of a tornado while he was fucking... Him and Michael Strahan were jerking each other off

in space. Big deal. And the kid wants to fly to fucking the moon. It's his money. I don't give a shit. Anne Rice is dead. She wrote

Interview with the Vampire. Another fucking woman of achievement who probably said women are women and was probably killed by fucking blue haired fucking non-binary monsters. Soldiers. fucking blue haired fucking non-binary monsters soldiers what can you do

dozens of Texas women flock to other states as court battle over abortion law I mean Texas is about to become a jar of pencils, my friend. I mean, it's going to be like jail there. There's just going to be like feminized dudes walking around. That's the only puss-puss you're going to get is ospicy because all the ladies are leaving. Kate McKinnon returned to SNL as Dr. Fauci.

Get another fucking job, Kate McKinnon. Move on. Start a podcast. How can you still want to do this shit? They all keep returning to SNL. Are you scared to try anything on your own? Or do you need Daddy Lauren? Try something on your own. See if your own voice flies. own see if your own voice flies see if you got something to say inflation's at seven percent it's the highest rate since 1982. Joe Biden's Boris Johnson comb your hair comb your hair Boris another Russian UkrainianUkrainian fucking name, but he's English. And his hair just looks like he was sticking his head out the window on the highway.

Looks like he forgot to wear a helmet on a motor scooter. Just run a comb through that mop. Oh boy DeSantis DeSantis wants 8 million to remove unauthorized aliens from Florida Of course he does

Do you think taxpayers are going to give it? I don't know Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me That was very rude That was very rude for me to do right in the middle Of an episode I like Jesse Smollett Stick it to his guns Okay right in the middle of an episode. I like Jesse Smollett. Stick it to his guns.

Okay? He has not admitted what he has done. He's sticking to his guns. He obviously learned that from Trump, baby. Stick to it. If you just keep lying, what can they say? You know, you'll get some people who believe you.

And lo and behold, Black Lives Matter came out and supported them. Said they believe them. We can't trust the police. Just like when Donald Trump said the election was stolen, there's a bunch of people that just fucking go with it. No evidence, but still, just keep putting it out there. I like your style, Juicy. You learn from the best.

Ironically, you're doing exactly what you purported the leader of the guys who hit you, dude. It's so funny, I want to bang my own head. You're acting like the leader of the imaginary guys who assaulted you behaves by just sticking to the lie i mean now this is getting ridiculous the news you see a lot of this is the news, guys. It's not really the epidemiologist's fault. You know, I really do wish everyone was a little more honest about the messaging from the beginning. Like, especially Fauci when he lied about the fucking don't wear a mask, wear a mask, all that bullshit. It's like because they're scared of how people are going to react or, you know, the stupidity of people. Just be honest with us, dude. You can't get away with lying in the 21st century.

The internet is too, there's receipts for everything. You're going to get caught. There's too many people watching you. If they would have just said, hey, we don't know. This is what we know so far. We believe.

We believe. We recommend. Please do. This is the evidence so far. That could change because we're learning. This is new. They're a little more obvious, but it's not all they're for. It could change because we're learning. This is new. They were a little more obvious. But, you know, it's not all their fault.

It's mostly because everything gets filtered through the media and the media is trying to make stories out of everything. So right here, I would be tempted to click on this article because this article coming out of New Haven says, Study, nasal vaccine may help protect against COVID variants. I'm going to throw my phone. I'll read that again. I'm going to throw my fucking phone'll read that again i'm gonna throw my phone and this is out of yale university nasal vaccine oh sorry i thought i said naval test okay sorry i apologize just scratch everything i just said i'm i'm worked up and i apologize

okay a yanni biden dad it's the nasal vaccine i thought it was the nasal swabs Just scratch everything I just said. I'm worked up and I apologize. Okay? A Yanni Biden dad. It's the nasal vaccine. I thought it was the nasal swabs. Because I'm stupid. Because if they were going to say the nasal swabs may fight against COVID, I would have thrown the phone and this episode would have never been heard by anyone except me and the Holy Ghost. And of course my daughter who's in the other room, probably hearing me scream traumatized.

I have a daddy who screams in the bathtub and sticks his rubber duckies in my ass and he gets paid for it. And I would say, sweetheart, you're lucky. Most people don't have a job. What can you do what the fuck can you do oh god anyway anyway And he houses China has branded the U.S. democracy As a weapon of mass destruction They're going hard with the rhetoric

After we did a diplomatic boycott Of their Olympics At this point it's not a Cold War yet It's more of a You know Nick Cannon Wilding out this off We're used to that now Former NFL player

Is given a three year prison sentence For pandemic relief fraud Cut the guy a break He's probably a running back Who's got a questionable knee Who's only getting paid Fucking six figures Give the guy a little break

for being smart and stealing some money eric adams who's black in new york and is the mayor elect is uh warns black lives black lives matter leader hank newsom not to mess with new york this is fucking well if this isn't a sign of progress, I don't know, ironically, what it is. You got a black mayor and a black leader of some communist fucking activist organization going at it over crime. Progressive. That's a progressive moment. There's no honk-a-donks involved in this.

Eric Adams, 61, warned. I like Eric Adams. We had him on History Hyenas, if you remember. At that point, he was the borough president of Brooklyn. Eric Adams warned not to burn down New York.

The guy's threatening to burn down New York and there's people who support this organization New York City Mayor-elect warned he wouldn't surrender to those who threaten the city well thank God crazy that you had to say that because Newsom warned the move would be greeted with riots fire and bloodshed this is black lives matter the group you know the slogan on the back of helmets you know the group that was founded out of the fucking quarterback who lost his mojo. Who compared the NFL to slavery.

That we all have to pledge allegiance to. Or else you're a Nazi. There's nothing more to say about this shit. Because it's a fucking comedy. Here we go. Republicans hold a 10-point advantage on generic midterm ballot. The red wave is coming because people are sick of the bullshit. I'm sorry, Democrats.

It's over. Probably what's coming is like a Christian Taliban type of rule. And it's going to be hilarious. And it'll make comedy equally as hard. I'll be equally as fucked. But you know what? There's nothing I can do. There's nothing any of us can do.

These extreme zeitgeists are set in motion. They're cease on. And the country is collapsing under their weight. These extreme zeitgeists are set in motion. They're seesawing. And the country is collapsing under their weight. The middle common sense is collapsing under the weight of these seesawing extremes that perpetuate each other, nurture each other, and radicalize and recruit more. That perpetuate each other. Nurture each other.

And radicalize and recruit. More. Because of each other. That's all there is to it. We've got another accuser coming forward here. 16-year-old. She says she was 16. And she was abused By Gislaine

Who by the way has some big titties There's a picture of her on the internet With the owner of Atlantic Magazine Laying on the beach Google it She's got some big natty titties She testified That Gasoline Maxwell

And Jeff Ebi Ebi Jeff Epiped Forced themselves on her During a 1996 Visit To his

New Mexico ranch When she was just 16 Her name is Annie Farmer and she accepted the invitation to the ranch hoping that those two, Batman and Robin of rape Maxwell and Epstein

would help her with academic endeavors. Instead she said Maxwell ended up fondling her breasts and Epstein climbed into bed without her permission. Farmer recalled the unwanted physical contact making her feel like she just wanted the weekend to be over and wanted to be done with it. All these experiences made me feel like they had a very different interest in me. You don't think? had a very different interest in me. You don't think?

Yeah. She took the stand as her full identity, which is something that the other three accusers did not do. And they all had similar stories. They went anonymous. That's how you know it's fucking true. There's nothing to gain when you go anonymous. That's how you know it's fucking true. There's nothing to gain when you go anonymous. She says that Maxwell recruited these teens

to give Epstein massages. Meant as a ruse for sexually abusing teens. She said they were just 14 when the abuse started and that Maxwell sometimes participated in the encounters. If this bitch gets off, I swear to

God, her lawyers say the government is making her a scapegoat for alleged sex crimes. Why would they? Why? For what? Why? What does the government care? Fucking. If this bitch gets off, I swear to God,

nobody will riot yeah she met Epstein at 16 in New York to visit her sister sister was working for him at his Manhattan mansion you know her sister was probably catching it too during an outing to the movies he reached over to hold her hand and caress her leg. Yeah. She said initially she felt more comfortable because Maxwell was there, of course. Rub her foot and arm throughout the film. Maxwell insisted on giving Farmer a massage. So she was giving massages, told her to take off her clothes.

Maxwell pulled down the sheet and exposed my breasts and started rubbing on my breasts. I so badly wanted to get off the table and have the massage be done. The next morning, she said Epstein came into her bedroom and told her he wanted a cuddle. After he climbed the bridge, she froze. So they were victims. So I don't know if he actually went through it, but that sounds bad enough. What can you do?

Who knows how fucking deep that rabbit hole goes, but I bet you that rabbit hole goes but i bet you it's not good i bet you it's not good jesus christ man this era it's all culminating to the surface i guess all these demons have always been there and now we're just in contact with each other. And we all got a lot to say. The internet has freed us all. It's a new tool. And we're learning to deal with it. But it's an amazing tool that allows me to do this show the way I want to do it. In a bathtub. At my own studio.

Uncensored, straight to you. and i can only be this uncensored back here that's why it's important that each and every one of you are here so thank you so much to this audience back here i hope we're going to grow i know we're going to grow and this will become something special that we can still continue to enjoy. Because I tell you what, it doesn't look good. Censorship's bad right now. So you guys got to recruit for me. You got to tell the other fans to come join and enjoy these crazy apps in the water.

Because it's a little scary that Google took down a full, full fucking episode of mine. Go look. Episode 51 is gone. It's bullshit. Love you all. See you next time.