Yannis Pappas Hour - Storm Anderson Cooper - Long Days with Yannis Pappas - Episode 6

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

Every Sunday Comedian Yannis Pappas is here to give you a LONG DAY! He's going to attack the headlines and the trending bull. He's also going to answer questions from the fans live on air.   For bonus episodes and to Support Long Days click here: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Sunday at noon to youtube and audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram! Come join in on the LONG DAY.   This ep Yanni Punani wants us to start storming celebrities for some clarity. He has a brilliant idea to reach herd immunity and finally gets to the real truth concerning crisis actors. He also Explores how public reactions softens reality, how gay conversion therapists are the most manly, Herbert Hoover in pumps and much much more.   Follow Yanni   Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's the dollars? What's the dollars? What's the dollars? What's the dollars? What's the dollars? What's the dollars? What's going on? That hiss you hear in the background is the snake that I got from Sergio Chacon's house.

I have a pet snake now in the studio. It's either a snake or a radiator radiator depending on where you're from and what your frame of reference is if you're from new york city or the bronx or one of the five boroughs which is you know what look that's about 20 million people then you're going ah that's an old school radiator that i heard a rumor they created it to put so much heat into your apartment because it was the time the sp Spanish flu that they constructed these houses. I'm sorry, these apartments. These are not houses.

But if you are an ethnic immigrant, this is your house. This is your house. And you got it handed down to you in a what they call rent control program where as long as a family member lived in the house, you could occupy that house, which is what I lived in with the gentleman behind the camera for eight years. We hid from our landlord. He would come and knock on the door and we would just stand there and go, shh. We shared the apartment with about 14 mice. It was a whole family and i would catch them and i didn't have any problem throwing them out alive i thought i was a good person i think i think i'm a good person but i don't care about mice you would throw them out a lot i when they got caught on the glue traps i would just pick up

the glue trap and throw him in the black trash bag and throw him in the dumbwaiter like fucking Yaya's potatoes after four days. Okay? Because if you lived in one of these apartments that are pre-war, you had a grandma that you called a foreign name. It was an abuela or a Yaya or what do the Italians call them? Mommy. Mama. I'm Italian.

I want to live with my mommy. I mean, Italian kids, Italian kids have a real estate agent that just takes them right to their mother's basement and said, here's a great apartment we got for you. The rent is free and the food, smell comes from upstairs Monday through Saturday and most importantly it frees you up for you to be able to buy the car of your liking that you can go outside

and clean every day Italian kids love their cars what's up everybody out there at Instagram lamb you're watching the live taping of a fucking podcast you're part of it me and my stupid glasses and the reason why I have a hat on today is because yanni couldn't take a shower because the baby sleeps right across the hall from where yanni showers in my home and i my hair's not combed so i threw the hat on and so because i procrastinated in taking a shower and i just rolled around and stuck my finger in my belly button and sniffed it all day because Because when you get to a certain age, you're never going to lose the gut.

And the gut produces fumare in your umbrella here. You know when you're younger, you can dig your finger in the belly button all you want when you're younger. Smells like nothing. Smells like the towel you just use to clean yourself. But what you need is a little thickness to make the hole deeper. And that's where the microbes like to live. And for some reason, we enjoy the smell of our own belly button. And it's funny because I'll smell it again as if I didn't just smell it.

And I know exactly what it smells like. But I just go back in I go back in have you ever noticed that nobody knows how to work other people's doors you ever notice you get to somebody else's front door and you go like how does this thing work all of a sudden you it's like you just you're from another planet you're going like what how does this and you're like and you're like you're just like turning things the wrong way and then you just go you just go you give up and you go okay you do it and then the person has to be like I got it and then they just go and turn it and you're like Jesus Christ how come I didn't do what you're supposed to do when you go to a door which is turn the lock one way and then the doorknob the other nobody knows how to work anyone else's doorknobs it's

really a strange thing you know it's like why do people smell different to different people? I don't know. I don't know. I recognize people through smells. When I was in college, you know, there used to be a communal bathroom, and I could recognize who was shitting next to me by their feet. And there was a couple of nasty kids that would go there without fucking slips.

I had the Adidas slips back in the day. I had them before Ice Cube was walking around in sports socks and slips drinking 40s. Okay. I was walking around with a fucking, I had a little ponytail on top of my head at that point, dribbling a basketball, hoping I was going to make it on a division one team, even though that was never going to happen. But I figured, you know what? I'll go to college and become a basketball player and then play in Greece professionally because my mother was born there. It's good to have delusions. You know how much of a loser you're going to be in life when you look back and you go like, oh, I've had a delusion at every stage of my life.

From when I was about 18 to 23, I was convinced I was going to become a professional basketball player in Europe. Because I thought Europe was just like a bunch of slow white guys who were like 5'11". I'm going, I'm American. It's typical like American, especially New Yorker arrogance. I'd be like, yeah, guess what? I know I'm not good enough to play in America, but since I'm American, what I'm going to do is go play pro in Greece. And yeah, then I realized that people in other countries do grow past 5'11 and a half, which is what I am.

But if you ask me when I'm in Air Max, I will say I'm 6'1 and a half. Because thank you, Nike, for making short guys feel a little taller in social gatherings with the heavy, heavy souls you put on those goddamn Air Max 95s and Air Max 1s. Appreciate it. Human dysmorphia disorder is a comment that just came in. Is that an actual thing? Yes. Some people have gender dysmorphia. There are a few people probably in the Florida area who think that they're crocodiles, you know,

what if I want, I want to identify as the dictionary. What if I identified as the dictionary? You know what I mean? I just, I'm a word and I just walk around and I'm a word. I want to, I want to be a Cuban kid. Here's the thing about Cubans. They will accept you, Cubans, unless you're one thing, and that is a Democrat. That's the one thing they don't like. They have their own version of the play Romeo and Juliet, except it stars a woman falling in love with a Democrat. So we can't have that. I mean, those guys swam across the Gulf of Mexico or whatever the fuck is down there, whatever body of water is down there.

I don't have to know it. I'm American. I don't gotta know it. You gotta know it because it's the body of water that separates you from the paradise that is Miami. But me, it's just water. Okay. I'm American. I don't got to learn. I don't have to learn another language. Why don't I speak Greek? Guess what? Because the lingua franca, which is the, basically is an expression for the, the common language of international business is not the language of an ancient people

that used to play high school football and brag about it all the time, okay? Greece is a country of about fucking 10 million people, and you guys gotta fucking polish those statues off and maybe paint them again because you're selling shoes like Al Bundy, and the business is not done in Greek. It's done in English.

Okay, so I know English because that's the fucking language I got to know. I hate when people say that, oh, you know, as Americans, they only speak a fine language. It's like, yeah, how many do you speak? How many do you speak, Dirk? Oh, you speak too? Yeah, I speak German and I speak English.

Yeah, because we fucking made it so you had to because you had to. Because you're German. How come the other language you always know, Europeans, is the language I already know? Nobody ever walks around and goes, can we do this in Swedish? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, does everyone speak Swedish here?

No, it's English, okay? It's the lingual frank, it's the new Rome. I'm a Roman citizen and I already speak it. I had Popeye's today. I had Popeye's chicken today. It was just, um, it just tastes like fried batter. I don't know what's in it. I ordered a popcorn shrimp and I ordered the spicy chicken sandwich and it just tasted like fried batter and salt. So whatever meat was in there, I ate. I could have eaten a person's hand in that fried food. Who the fuck knows?

We're disgusting, disgusting country. And people always go, yeah, but it tastes good. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It tastes good if you're 14 and you don't fucking know any better. That's when McDonald's tastes good. Once you get of age and have a fucking you know once you get of age where you can afford something beyond the dollar menu and a Michelob light or a Boone's wine you realize you were drinking and

eating shit because you were a kid and you had no money it's Plato's allegory of the cave whatever you're exposed to you think is real but once you get to the age where you can afford a miller light okay before you even get to duval or or you know or a nice stella which is sort of fucking the white man's budweiser you know the classy guy's budweiser then you realize oh it's shit oh mcdonald's is shit Popeye's tastes like shit. Right now, I just ate Popeye's, and guess what? It feels worse than when I had coronavirus. That's what my stomach feels like right now. I just have this fucking shit sitting in there. Did you have the sandwich that people got stabbed over?

Yeah, that was fun. I mean, I hate to say it. Coronavirus is not our biggest problem. It's our most recent problem. Because I will remind you it, coronavirus is not our biggest problem. It's our most recent problem. Because I will remind you, before coronavirus, we did have a sandwich war between two fried pieces of cheap chicken made from manipulated chickens. I'm talking about these chickens are fed.

They feed them like just corn juice. They feed them corn juice and steroids and then chop their feet off and head off with a machine and throw them in a fucking, throw them in a goddamn, what do you call that? A fryer. They throw them in a fryer

and throw them between two buns and slap some fucking hot sauce on it. And people are going, holy shit, dog. Yo, dog, have you fucking tasted? Yo, Popeye's number one. So they were lining up around the block like they were the fucking Jordan ones being handed out by Michael Jordan himself for a fucking chicken sandwich that is made by the cheapest fucking meat you ever know.

We are past peak, my friends. We're past peak. Our biggest problem is not a pandemic our biggest problem is that we had a fucking fast food chicken sandwich war and we bought it you can make anyone believe anything that was just like a marketing ploy probably Popeyes got together with um Chick-fil-a um which by the way um I think one of the funniest Patreon names I've ever heard, which by the way, when you join my Patreon, patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays, we're up and running. We're already off to an amazing start.

Episode one is up. By the time you see this, probably two, three, four pieces of content are up there. But on the last episode of History Hyenas, where we read off all the funny names, which I will be doing here too. So continue the tradition of submitting funny names to the Patreon to crack me up. And I will, instead of picking the PPW like we used to, I will just be picking the ones I like and reading them.

But just a shout out to one of the funniest ones, maybe the funniest from the last episode of History Hyenas. funniest from the last episode of History Hyenas was the Patreon guy's name was pretend to be straight in order to get the Chick-fil-A sandwich. That's a goodie. Is that a goodie, peanut gallery? Love the shirt. Love the suit. Remember? Remember Anthony Hopkins? Love the suit. I mean, the guy did one good acting role and people were like, it's easy to play guys who are special needs and guys who are psychos. Let's just look, okay? Those are two things that don't make somebody a great actor.

There's only three great actors on the planet, four. There's four great actors. Okay, five. But really only four because Denzel's always kind of Denzel, but he's so powerful with his roles but you got Daniel Day-Lewis, okay?

You got Meryl Streep, you got Cate Blanchett and then you got, fuck, what's the other guy's name? God damn it. Hold on a second. Fuck.

I'm trying to move it. Gary Ullman. Gary Ullman. Gary Ullman. Denzel's like honorable mention or whatever. What about Leo? Leo's pretty good, but he's always kind of Leo a little bit, but he does transform.

He does transform, but he's a movie star. He's just a guy who, he just looks like his hair smells good all the time, and that kind of annoys me. That's right, Christian Bale. Christian Bale is a decent actor. I mean, the time and that kind of annoys me that's right Christian Bale Christian Bale is a decent actor I mean the kid that's dedication he lost a lot of weight to play that role which is a good good thing good good fucking thing did you see that where

they have the ranges of his weight it's crazy who Christian Bale yeah oh for that movie the machinist well he's done a bunch yeah the machinist and then he got really fat to play uh Chaney yeah he's gone like these crazy rangesist? Well, he's done a bunch. He did The Machinist, and then he got really fat to play Chaney. Yeah. He's gone like these crazy ranges. Yeah, he's had the different, like Bobby Kelly stages, yeah, of his career. Yeah, if you look at Bobby Kelly in the 90s, you're like, oh my God, who? Bobby Kelly ate Bobby Kelly.

Shout out to the great Robert Kelly, the hilarious Robert Kelly. And me too. I mean, I'm fat again. Okay, Corona got me skinny, and I just had fried stuff for lunch. So I don't stop either. You know, I don't stop either. We got to give a shout out to West Virginia. You know, our empire is crushing it when West Virginia is leading the charge against vaccinating its population. They're number one right now. They have most of their citizens vaccinated. Now, I get it.

West Virginia doesn't have the biggest population, you know? They do have a big population of fucking animals. But when it comes to humans, there's not that many. And I'm talking about the people that appear to be humans as well.

You can't count those. So they got a really small population of actual humans. The rest of them are just kind of still closer to chimp. You know what I mean? It's like barely sliding in. It's like a play at the plate. You got to do an instant replay and you're like, he's human. You know, I'm talking about guys behind the counter at Chick-fil-A in West Virginia. So the human population is even smaller than the census says, okay? Because the key word is human. So, Wes, I'm still jacked. Don't fuck, come at me, dog.

I'm looking at the fucking thing. Even though I haven't worked out in a while, I got one of those bodies that looks like I'm stronger than I am. Come fucking at me. Come see me, Dylan Dallas. Come fucking see me, yo, talk to me, dog, Jake Paul, talk to me, dog, I will fucking have a tickle fight with you and fuck you up in one round, my dude, no jujitsu, no boxing, no fucking wrestling, no karate, straight fucking tickle fight, dog. I take you out, Dylan Dallas.

You keep fucking threatening people, Dylan Dallas. I'm right here, dog. Tickle, tickle, tickle, dog. I grab your dick, fucking tickle it, son. Talk to me, son. I'll tickle you right here. This is old school to try to get into here. Nah, I'll be tickling you all over your body, son.

Let the water drive all over your body. I will kiss you in front of your body, son. Let the water drive all over your body. I will kiss you in front of your dad, son. So shout out to West Virginia vaccinating more of the population than any other state. No state in the union in the best country in the world has more than 10%

of its population vaccinated at this point. So the hope that we're going to achieve herd immunity by next winter, looking dimmer and dimmer, you know? I'm sorry, guys, you know? If you want to, you know who's suffering the most here? People not in tech. People in tech are loving this.

I mean, fucking fans only, Zoom, everything is... I mean, these hookers, dude, I mean, you can't... I mean, you gotta walk in like an Orthodox Jew with them. You walk in with a full body condom on, you know, a sheet. You gotta give handjobs through sheets if you're a sex worker. These sex workers are out there starving. What's up with these discounts, girls? Y'all need to be advertising in local newspapers. When those coupons come, you got to say, yo, quarter price

handies, pandemic special. Yeah, I'm saying you get a couple of bug chasers through there. Yeah. You talk about, yo, quarter, get them in the door. With the dollar man, you say quarter, You talk about, yo, quarter, get him in the door. With the dollar man, you say quarter, quarter special, quarter price handies. And then when you get him in the room, you say, yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, look, if you want to go raw daddy, I'll take the hand condom off and jerk you off skin to skin. As long as we Purell up. You could Purell up. Right?

I mean, these girls aren't thinking. See, the problem with prostitutes is they're not business people. Similar to comedians. They like to do self-destructive thing. A lot of people get in their heads and give them a lot of compliments. They go, you know what? I wanna be an employee. I don't know how to run my own business.

We're kind of damaged the same way sex workers are. And that's why we're kind of the same. I mean, you know, instead of like performing sex acts, I mean, I'm doing this. I mean, instead of, they trying to give you a real nut, I'm trying to give you a fucking face orgasm. I'm trying to make you come out of your mouth. So that's the difference.

It's a very thin line between a comedian and a sex worker. Do you know what I'm saying? Ask me some fucking questions and Purell up. Wass da Dallas. I miss you too, boo boo. I will make an OnlyFans about Azma Risa. That's it, and let me tell you something, Jesse Scatoro. I put it on her Facebook page and there's a dedicated aging fan base over there.

I'm talking about mothers and grandmothers that grew up with that bitch when they were watching her when she was a teenager. And they say, fucking please make, let Marisa make a fucking fans only. So if you don't think next week I'm going to get that wig that I left in Westchester by accident down here. And we're going, welcome to my fans only. What's up, girls? You want to see a toe, a foot? What's up? Fellas, what you need to see? I don't know what's happening down there, fans only. But's up, girls? You want to see a toe, a foot? What's up? Fellas, what you need to see?

I don't know what's happening down there, fans only, but I will show you my stomach. That's it. So West Virginia, the way that they're achieving this vaccination is very ingenious. Very ingenious, guys. Very ingenious. What they're doing is instead of instead of setting up that vaccination sites

like in new york one of the vaccination sites is is yankee stadium um what they're doing is they've made the vaccination stations mobile right they said so and I heard the governor speak, and he speaks exactly how you would think a West Virginia governor speaks. He said, you know, what we figured out is instead of people coming to the vaccine, we have brought the vaccine to the people. And I'm saying, you know what? In a country where the average weight is about 340 pounds

and just getting out of bed became a TV show on the learning channel. Who knows what channel it is because nobody knows which fucking TV is anymore. So it was a number somewhere that that show was on. So in a country where you could make a TV show about having to hire a crew to come to take out the side of your house so you can get up and take a bath maybe it's a good idea to make the vaccine walk to the people because i tell you who's not walking to the vaccine big fat circle americans they ain't fucking the only way to fucking go get a vaccine is if you give them a free hot dog and a slurpee with it. Which, how come I'm the only one having ideas right now? Set up a fucking, set up the vaccines at McDonald's.

This country will be 100% herd immunity by tomorrow. Put the vaccine in a fucking Chick-fil-A sandwich and you put the vaccine in the Chick-fil-A sandwich. By the way, Chick-fil-A, if you don't like the gays, why aren't you curing it with your special magic Q-non potion that turns people straight? Don't you love when gay,

like there's nobody funner than a gay conversion therapist because they're always the gayest guys. They're always guys like, I was just like you, you know, I was just like you like two years ago before I found Jesus and I found my masculinity, you know, I was just like you like two years ago before I found Jesus and I found my masculinity. You know, so what you have to do is you just got to put your deck into that into that hole that God.

It's just a juicy hole for you to it's that God intends to make children so you can, you can populate the garden of Eden. And it, you know, if you're in love, it makes it all the better. I love my wife, Mary Beth. I love if you're watching, Mary, I love you. You're, you're my, you're my heart. And the thing is, I just had to find my masculinity just like you. So what you have to do is open your Bible to page 467. And then here's my hotel room key so I can fuck you. I'm sorry. Demon be gone.

Demon be gone. No, I do not have that Hotel Johnson room key anymore. Demon be gone. Jesus made us straight. And that's where I found my masculinity. Throw me a football. Throw me that goddamn football. Jesus Christ. How funny is it that Herbert Hoover, when he wasn't trying to hunt down and frame Martin Luther King, was walking around his house in lingerie and panties. I mean, is there anything funnier than the head of the FBI, Herbert Hoover, was walking around his own apartment in fucking lingerie and panties.

Now, if you've ever seen Herbert Hoover, which I assume he's right behind me right now, that is a fucking frog looking man I mean that man looks like a toad was turned into a human and imagine him putting on lingerie because he probably had some man tits too and he was probably walking in the mirror imagine how funny that would be just be a fly on the wall him being on the phone like you know because they all talk like this back there yeah hey I'm on the phone with Robert Kennedy Robert yeah make sure make sure this movement of the blacks is getting out of control they're right in every city yeah I know you appear to be a good person but you're a Kennedy

you guys had the mafia rigged the election from your for your brother and your father's a bootlegger and he robbed the he robbed the election and you kennedys kill women um so uh i know you're on board we got to do something about martin luther king he's galvanizing the people okay goodbye yeah we'll frame him and to have somebody take photos of him and he's just having that phone call in full-blown panties and lingerie and then he gets up and he goes goodbye horses, I'm crying over you, goodbye horses, I'd fuck me, I mean, it ruined a perfectly good song, that movie, it's such a iconic, disturbing, and in some ways, hilarious scene, when you first watch it, it's not hilarious, it's like, good fellas, now you watch it again, that's a comedy, you fucking motherfucker, joking, but it's like, it's like good fellas now you watch it again you're like that's a comedy you fucking motherfucker you know joking but it's like that song is good if you listen to it without

but i want to challenge you to listen to goodbye horses by i think it's called lazareth is the group to remix or whatever that song that was portrayed in that scene i challenge you to listen to that song and not think about buffalo bill or that guy's career I mean it ended his career he was Buffalo Bill and that was it yeah it was like the fucking it was like the the Urkel in movies you know but it's like I challenge you to listen to that song and not tuck your dick between your legs and fucking and do that and do a lot of puss I challenge you it's like trying to imagine a white Toyota truck without imagining ISIS guys with guns on it and fucking beanie heads on can you you you're picturing the truck right now when

I say white Toyota truck you just go ISIS in your head that's what the fucking media is doing to his people they're trying to control our mind and we got these fucking demon people the thing is about Alex Jones he's got a great voice for crazy like it's just funny to watch him go crazy i mean you ever see him go crazy he goes i'm sorry i'm sorry he catches himself he goes we got a christian audience i'm sorry and he'll say the most out of like joe rogan i'll fuck your skull i'm sorry i'm sorry we got a christian audience i'm sorry i'm i apologize i'm correct we're christians i I'm Christian I will fucking take Hillary Clinton and put a goddamn fucking corona needle in her pussy I'm sorry I'm sorry everybody

I'm sorry it's a Christian audience I apologize I apologize we got to stop these fucking Mexican cockroaches from crawling up the kitchen wall that is the border I'm sorry they're people god damn it I apologize i'm a christian they're christian too i apologize jesus thank you fucking god i will shoot whoever's dicks off if i walk around i'll walk around myself god damn it and ask for these beaners papers i apologize to my mother and my family name i'm a christian so he's just a funny, crazy fuck who, what he did, Sandy Hook, unforgivable. Those children were crisis actors. Crisis actors is my favorite.

Like there's this secret society of like CIA actors who just, and I love how people always on the internet will find another event and see, see? See, that's the same guy as if they're two chinese people you see on two different days because that that would i can imagine that you're going like is that the same guy and you're like no these are just two chinese guys you know but it's like those are clearly not the same people but even do you think if there was crisis actors they would have the same fucking guys act on two different things like there's not a little thing called the internet so you'd have the same guy give an interview do you think if that guy was that good of an actor he wouldn't be able to get a fucking job in a daniel day lewis movie we would have him out

there acting that uh in sandy hook and then you see him again over in columbine and it's the same guy getting interviewed by local news going like i don. You know, it's like they need to take all the guns, man. There's too many guns. You're going like, that's the same guy. He's a fucking liberal shell. He's a liberal shell. He eats children with Hillary Clinton, which by the way, true.

Okay. I'm not saying it's all not true. I don't believe that there's tunnels underneath the pizza places. But if you don't think I think Hillary Clinton eats children, yeah, yeah, where do you think she gets her strength, okay, now, Anderson Cooper, you know, the descendant of one of the most richest families ever, really wonder how he got that job, huh? Did you beat out a bunch of anchors with your, you know, with your skill to talk and read off a camera? I did news. Look, none of these people have any fucking talent. And that's why they try to write articles about people who do. Okay. Anderson Cooper reads off a teleprompter. Welcome back to CNN. And he's not thinking of that.

He's not doing an hour off the top of his dome like Yanni the Crazy. He is reading off a fucking teleprompter. And some of those people beat out other people at reading off teleprompters.

Like, you know what? It's just something about the way you read the word the. It's just the guy's got good hair and that's why they give him. Anderson Cooper, he's a Rockefeller or whatever, he's a Vanderbilt, I think, so, you know, I wonder, I wonder, I mean, he just went, uh, mommy, I want that, and he was like, we'll make that happen for you, and, you know, and, um, so, there was an interview where a guy

who was a former QAnon member was interviewed by Anderson Cooper. And he was going like, you know, you used to say that I eat babies. And he goes, Anderson, I would like to apologize to you for thinking that you ate babies. And I was going like, why is he apologizing for the truth?

I mean, how do you know Anderson doesn't eat babies? Okay? Like, I know he understands he might have found out that he was going a little, you know, doesn't eat babies? Okay? Like, I know he understands. He might have found out that he was going a little, you know, when you saw the guy, he was like a five foot South Asian kid. You could tell he was like sitting on a phone book or whatever and he's in a house

and you could see behind his house, he lives in some fucking condo, probably in the middle of Jersey somewhere. And you know, his big night out is going to the Olive Garden. Of course, that guy's gonna believe that Anderson Cooper eats babies. Of of course that guy's going to believe that Anderson Cooper eats babies of course that guy's going to believe that the secret service is going to turn around and and arrest Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton and they're all going to

go to prison for pedophilia of course it's fucking fan fiction those guys they've grown out of Dungeons and Dragons and now they play Dungeons and Dragons with politicians, okay? But I wanted to interject and go, Anderson, how do I know you don't eat kids, okay? Because I tell you what, if there's somebody who eats kids, he's gonna look like Anderson Cooper. So that's what I like about the internet. Prove to me it was wrong.

Prove to me it was wrong. And that's why these guys always have a lot of breath. That's why these guys get given the time of day. Because they can come up with the wildest theory. They can come up with the wildest theory. And there's people who are bored in life who want to go for the ride. And then when you challenge that theory,

they go, well, how do you know he doesn't eat children? And you know what? Because I'm a reasonable person and you're using reason against me, I got to go, you know what? I can't eat children. And you know what? Because I'm a reasonable person and you're using reason against me, I gotta go, you know what? I can't prove that. I can't prove that. And then I go, you know what?

I submit to your world. It's a lot funner. So if I can't know for certain that Anderson Cooper does not eat children, we got one option. We gotta storm his house. We gotta storm his house together with painted faces and zip ties. Tie him up, put him in a closet and pull his floorboards up and see just like John

Wade Gacy if there's the bones of children under there. There's no other way. Storm his house. We got to start storming celebrities' residences. That's what we got to happen. And then maybe, then maybe they'll change their woke tone. Maybe they'll say, you know what? Fund the police for a couple months. Just fund the police. Which, by the way, they always, defund the police is always a nice chant that happens in a neighborhood that has nothing to do with the people who tweet about it. Okay?

Because in those neighborhoods, not only do they have police, they got private security. They got double the help. And then they sit protected and go defund the police. Defund the police in the neighborhoods that are high crime. And then people live there going, what, cracker? Uh-uh. We need more police. So that's the internet age. The internet age is kind of like, if it appears to be good, it's good. If it appears to be bad, it's bad. No trial, no investigation, no context. Whoever owns the narrative online wins the story. They're like the conqueror's scribe,

the way it used to be. I always loved using my own common sense when I was told in history class that Alexander the Great was a courageous leader that was in the front leading his troops into battle. I was like, was he really? Was he really? Or was that just before cameras and photographs where he could just sit in the back on his little horse

and go and have his eunuch blow him a few times when he gets nervous and he goes are we winning what's going on up there okay we won oh my god those brave men did such a good job thank you boys love you love you love you love you for Greece for Greece for Greece for the glory of Greece okay now

where's my scribe? Where's my historian? When you write this down for posterity, put me in the front. Yeah, yeah, sword. I was killing people, chopping their fucking heads off. Give me a big dick too. Make me hot. Fucking yeah, draw me hot.

You know, so all the Greek statues, the guys are fucking hot. Not one guy had body fat. Not one Greek had fucking body fat. Not one. And also not one had a normal size penis. How did it become in fashion to have a tiny limp penis? Couldn't one guy go, hey, you know what? That's a little embarrassing. Why do you got to fucking make every Greek's penis look like a thumb? Let's do something about that. Give me a little bit of a mediocre penis so people can say, hey, you know what I mean? He may be a grower and not a thumb. Let's do something about that. Give me a little bit of a mediocre penis so people can say, hey, you know what I mean?

He may be a grower and not a shower. It's crazy. Of course he wasn't in the front, dude. He was in the back on his horse, Polyptychus. You know? You think Abraham Lincoln was in the front? You think Grant was in the front? You think Robert E. Lee was in the front?

Of course they weren't in the fucking front. We know they weren't in the front because there's fucking photographs. And when you're the general, you can't die. So they put you in a fucking bag. You're the coach. You're John Topovich. You're Popovich. You're coaching from behind. You're not in the front. You want to know how I know? Because they're alive. The front is people who die. Those kids get fucked. You know, they don't get injured. Injury is a public relations word by the Army PR department

when they're talking about the battles, right? You always want your citizens to feel like your boys are doing good. And girls. And girls. And trans. You know, I don't put myself in nude ass. I'm sorry. This is Luke St. Simon, and I need to, can we get the whip out, please, and hit me in the face.

I'm sorry. And girls, and trans, and, you know, however you identify the non-binary, whoever's out there in the battlefield, we just want to make it so you're doing good. Not just the boys. That was very horrific of me. I will craft an apology letter in my next episode for what I just did. I put myself on notice. I'm on notice. So injury is just a word that Army PR departments use because they can't really say maimed. can't say holy shit this guy half his body's blown off so they say injured it's such a soft word you know like

ah 14 soldiers died today and three were injured you're like oh wow fuck he's got a sprained ankle ray allen's gonna miss two games? Tell me about this injury list. I'm like, well, Private Flanagan lost his face in a fire, and Sergeant Donovan has no legs. I have no legs. So you can't say that, because that's horrific, and then the public won't support the war, and they'll say, bring our troops home from Iraq,q and we'll say no you don't understand they need to be there

because we need a presence in the middle east because we love rubber which is made of oil i love that i love that people are like no more we don't need let's go let's go electric no more oil for gas and you're like do you know how many things are made of oil? It's not just the gasoline you're going to get rid of. All your children's toys. Got to go. Plastics made of oil. I'm stupid.

It's not. Rubber is. Rubber is, though. So tires. I mean, how many things are made of rubber? Sneakers. No more Nikes. But, you know, they can figure some shit out at this point.

Smart fucking eggheads can figure something out. And I hope they do. And I hope they fucking do. The world's changing, okay? I was talking to a comedian recently. And he's like, you know, I heard, I heard it's not really about the table anymore. You know, this is a stand-up scene.

New York, there was a very, the table at the cellar was a very famous or infamous thing that you hear about where guys would sit around and bust their balls. And yeah, comedy has changed from that. And I'll explain to you why. It's because back then, the industry was like the Joker in Batman. Remember when the Joker broke that pool cue and he handed two pieces of the pool cue to the former employees of the guy he just killed? And he said, all right, now you guys fight it out because I got one job available so that's what the industry and the stand-up clubs would do to comedians we have a certain amount of spots there's only a certain

amount of tv spots there's only a certain amount of sets here you guys got to kill each other in order to get these spots and they would sit back and laugh because they had all the power and you guys were sitting around busting each other's balls because you were sharpening your wit for the stage and for the industry because it was a tough world you grew up in a world like our grandparents where you had to walk to school shut the fuck up there's a little thing called the internet now and there's room for everybody so yes comedians have changed because the people who want to survive the most change with the times.

Survival of the fittest, you fucking moron, is not about the strongest surviving. It's about the one who adapts the best to change. That is the one that is favored by evolution. A lot of people don't know that. Survival of the fittest isn't the strongest to survive. That's just an expression, but people don't understand.

The strongest of the species may be the strongest of the species during a certain context, under certain natural circumstances. Boom, those circumstances change, the environment changes, something changes that throws that off. Those previous strongest of that species will die

because they were strongest under different circumstances. And some other variation that was considered weak in that world will thrive. Grow the fuck up. Grow up. A lot of comedians just live for compliments because your daddy and mommy neglected you. So anybody can say, you're great.

And you're just like, I'll do whatever. I'll do whatever you say. I'll do whatever you say for that 20 bucks. Or you're gonna make me the guy? Oh, thank you. Those days are over, Jack. They're over. Comedians don't have to spar like that anymore

because there's plenty of room for everybody on the internet. And yes, the opposite now happens where comedians actually are have to spar like that anymore because there's plenty of room for everybody on the internet and yes the opposite now happens where comedians actually are nice to each other because they can share fan bases you fucking morons i go on your podcast i get your fans you go on my podcast i get your fans it's a fun time stop holding on to the past i understand those were your glory days when you were king, but your fucking kingdom has been sacked by a guy named Steve Jobs, who's in hell for ignoring his daughter. It's taking us so long to get approved on iTunes. People keep asking, when is long days going to be available on iTunes? And I say say we're waiting for approval because apparently the people who work at Apple have to pray to Steve Jobs to get approval,

and the reason he's not hearing the prayers is because he's not in heaven. He's in fucking hell for neglecting his daughter. So they're falling on deaf ears. Steve Jobs is a horrible human being. We know that from the movie Jobs, which was a horrible movie. Did you watch that with that fucking guy who's English,

who was great in Inglourious Bastards? He was like, we're in a little bit of a pickle, my friend. And he goes, you know, go out speaking to Kings, that guy. He played Steve Jobs, and it was just a fucking horrible movie. But it was funny because all the movies, and there was another one by Aston Kutcher, which, by the way, rest in peace to his career.

I mean, where the fuck is that guy guy what happened to I need borderline model looking midwestern six foot two guy who's kind of charismatic and fun but not funny not a great actor just kind of an in-betweener and has good hair what happened to that white guy I think he's been canceled out I think he just he's just an investor in acorns now and he's probably fucking some other milf the guy likes milfs he's fucking Demi Moore Iorns now, and he's probably fucking some other MILF. The guy likes MILFs. He's fucking Demi Moore. I mean, grow up. What are you, a fucking 80s baby? You weren't even an 80s baby.

You didn't even jerk off Demi Moore. I did. So fucking do some when you're your own age. What is he, 35 now? Jerk off to fucking Britney Spears. By the way, she's cuckoo, and I love it. There's no better crazy follow on Instagram, and people get mad. Leave Britney alone.

She has no free will, whatever. It's like, no, the bitch is crazy. Okay? She's not a real person. She was made in a Petri dish. And they put her in the Mickey Mouse Club with all these other fucking kids. Those kids were molested into fame. You think they're going to come out normal?

What adults are going to be in charge of a Mickey Mouse talent show? Adults that aren't attracted to kids? Grow the fuck up. The only people who want to work with kids are attracted to them. Name me one adult who wants, you know what? I want to work with kids. You know what really toots my horn? If it's a man, he's attracted to them.

That's why my kid, I'm yes i'm sexist i'm sexist for women i want my little boys and girls i have a girl now they're only having female nurses teachers and and talent singers if my fucking kid can sing and dance because she inherited daddy's no talent for it because i have no talent for that um she will not have a male protege because what is that male doing teaching kids is there anything creepier than a man who's like hi i'm i'm your counselor i'm teaching hi hi my name is jake i am the uh lower school girls basketball coach. Yeah, no, come over Sunday for church.

We'll have pie. Come on. You get it. Only women should be around kids. Yanni can dance. Yanni can fucking dance. When I was a kid, like I was there, the black kids gave me respect.

The black kids gave me respect. Okay, but Yanni, my male babysitter was a really nice guy. My fans are the funniest guys in the world. Well, he might have been

a nice guy to you. That's because he was touching your cousin and he told your cousin, shh. Yeah, no male nannies for me. He said,

I had a gay male nanny. I'll take a gay, a gay male nanny, I'll take. If the guy's gay, I'll take it. You know what I mean? I'll take that. Especially if I have a daughter.

If I have a son, nope. Sorry. It's got to go the opposite of what they're attracted to. You know what I mean? Even though I know pedophilia is different, it's like, I'm just no guys around my kid. All right? Even my own friends, I'm watching like a fucking hawk.

I don't trust anybody. I don't even trust my daughter. I barely know her. I've known her for three months. I love her, but I don't trust her. You have to build trust up. You know what I'm saying? You think you trust somebody,

and then, you know, things go sour, and you evaporate your business. I self-identify as a cute pumpkin pie, okay? These guys are funny. That was a fan on there. Ollie Plot says he loves you in England. He love you in England. We love you in England. Can you type right?

Because I'm jacked because I'm jacked I'm jacked so um go to uh patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays that is my channel there's a bonus one bonus episode a week for the people who want to just get on that low $5 tier. Then for the people who want the extra videos that come, I'll be doing character pieces, little videos, little rants, little series, little green screen stuff. That's the $10 level. And then we got the Medici level.

Medici was, you know, Michelangelo's benefactor family, right? You know that because you fucking doodle. You're an artist. So every artist needs a Medici family that's just rich and loves art. I hope there's one out there that's looking at Yanni Longue's and going, you know what?

I got a lot of extra money lying around. You know who doesn't? Yanni. So here, I'm a fan. Yeah, you got to support the arts this way. And that's why I love the subscription model because this is really the only way you can be uncensored with comedy nowadays. And it's beautiful. I'm not saying that as, oh, pathetic thing. Oh, woe is me. It's like, this is how it

should be. If you want to watch some fun stuff, turn on your TV and you'll have comedy brought to you by Chick-fil-A and whatever corporation, whatever network, whatever company owns a network. Chick-fil-A and whatever corporation, whatever network, whatever company owns a network. And then you represent the shareholders. You represent the advertising company. You represent the clients of the advertisers. You represent the political correct society contract we all sign. You represent a lot of things.

Okay. And that comedy should be brought to you by McDonald's and Burger King and other poisonous shit that you don't want to ingest and then if you want the comedy that makes you laugh that makes you feel good that really is that medicine for the soul that gives you that face orgasm out of your mouth you should pay for it that's why HBO and Netflix the content's better it's because of the model is better subscription you can't can't you can't go on Netflix and say I cancel you I mean they just go okay what do you you just look like an idiot if you're going like I subscribed I paid money and I'm offended you go all right cancel your fucking subscription there's no core there's no advertisers and corporations to apologize to because you're the fucking one that climbed behind the paywall

and got offended, asshole. You didn't have to do that. And that's why HBO and Netflix make more money than all the networks combined and have been even pre-internet when HBO was around. And that's why the content's better, Game of Thrones, et cetera. I do not need to continue because it's a subscription model. You want quality stuff, a subscription model. You want

quality stuff. The subscription model is the way to go. So if you're enjoying this show, if you're a fan, welcome from history, hyenas, also fans that have come to me from all the other stuff I've done, including my characters throughout my career. Welcome here. This will never end, baby. I ain't going. I've already know a lot of the crazy things I've said. I got no choice. Nobody's ever going to call me and say, hey, unless I get huge. And then they come to you because they need your fan base. So to me, you guys are everything. I do. I do comedy for you. You are my producers. And that's how I look. I have a contract with you that I can't break. You guys love this show. That means I'm going to do this show. And you know, you love it. You know, because I'm a

talented, cute son of a bitch who's a little office rocker, which is always a little dangerous because you never know when I'm just going to say something that's going to burn it all down. And you guys tune in for that. So.com slash yanni long days wow i gotta get used to saying the new one patreon.com slash yanni long days go subscribe on youtube turn your notifications on that's important after you subscribe turn on your notifications and again you know me from the hyenas or wherever else tell friends posting your stories that's how this works that's how it grows i I appreciate you tuning in. I got a snowstorm coming, so I got to get out of here. And my asshole's about 50% clean right now,

I'll be honest with you. I didn't shower here because I told you at the beginning of the episode that my baby was taking a nap. I didn't have time to shower. I had to get out, recharge my car, and go pick up Jesse's Couturo to come here and do this. So my ass is never 100% clean without a shower. Who has 100% clean ass without a shower? I have an 85% ass and that's all witch hazel can do. One swipe of witch hazel brings you to 85%. It's like the vaccine. It's like the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. Okay? Nothing's better than getting the coronavirus

because then you have nature's antibodies and you're 100% immune to it for a certain time if you got those active antibodies that were given to you by nature. Nature's shield. But, and that's basically analogous to a shower. But if you can't shower, the next best thing, next best thing, obviously, swab a witch hazel. And that'll bring you to about a good Johnson & Johnson 67%. 67% immunity. So this has been Yanni Long Days, Long Days with Yanni. What's the dollars?

Go write some fucking good reviews wherever. We're not up on iTunes yet. Blame that orphan, Steve Jobs, who hated his daughter. Because he's in hell and he's not listening. And I love each and every one of you is there a final good question E2 Chrissy that's funny E2 Brutai

is there a good question before we leave nope these people but you guys have been making these comments and I hope you've been enjoying each other I haven't been reading any I also when I record these and I don't know when we record they go live so you know, be alert on my gram. These episodes, you can catch them live. If you want to see if I'm going to say something that we may have to edit out later,

these people have seen it already. They're watching live right now. They're watching live on my gram as we record this and this will go out next Sunday and this part will get cut. So take care and I love you. Or you can just leave it in. It's a podcast. I love you guys.