Yannis Pappas Hour - The Army of the Unborn - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Episode 36

Episode Date: September 5, 2021

The Taliban had a parade and it could be a Toyota commercial, USA gymnastics is getting sued for big money and finally these gymnasts are gonna get paid for all their sacrifices and hard work, Japan is nervous and wants to get strapped again and the Army of the unborn is coming in Texas. It’s LongDays so you know was da deal is.   Sponsors Butcher Box: https://www.butcherbox.com/longdays   Ground News: ground.news/fumes   For an additional bonus episode every week and more Yantent, click here and support the show: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Saturday night at 9 PM est. to youtube and podcast audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram!   Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis Pappas   Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/   Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas   Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. Here's my newscaster, what's the deal is? What's the deal is? Hurricane Ida is really bukkake-ing Louisiana right now. Mississippi even lost a highway. Nobody died because nobody lives in Mississippi. Jake Paul really owned the week. While we were trying to get a few Americans out of Afghanistan, Jake Paul was making a trillion dollars fighting Tyron. It's not Tyrone. Tyron Woodley. What a piece of shit fight that was.

I want my money back in the way of Yas. The Taliban. It's Taliban Day. It's Taliban Independence Day over in Afghanistan as they host a parade with the booty that we left for them. Lots of tanks, lots of Humvees, but they brought their own Toyota Laika Rock. How do you say Laika Rock in Arabic?

Because that's a commercial for Toyota. This is Long Days, and can you tell me what's the dollars? You know, it's been fun just seeing images of the Taliban having their parade. You know, there's a Greek Independence Day parade that happens on Fifth Avenue where the Greeks celebrate their independence from their enslavers, their oppressors, the Turks, of which I am a rape baby of. And we walk around with white stockings and old traditional soldier garb. And we eat a baklava and pastitsio. And we watch little girls from the church and little boys from the church

wave their little Greek flags as their parents, who were the sons and daughters of diner owners who are now dentists, doctors, and bankers wave at, I don't know, maybe 50 people in the stands because there are no Greeks. There's no Greeks. If I was Indian, I would have been famous by now. But I am Greek, so when Greeks show up to my show,

they bring their grandmothers, their children, and their aunts to see me. And that only accounts for 10% of the audience because there's only about a million Greeks in the entire country. But we have our parade. Everyone has their parade the puerto ricans have their parade where they just celebrate because i don't know what they're celebrating what is the puerto rican day parade about reggaeton pulling out a titty in one year and maybe just celebrating mumfongo Celebrating Mufongo, which I think is cow tongue. We got Drew the Pedo Hunter back. He's our Batman, okay? During the day, he works long days.

At night, he's a vigilante pedo hunter. So if you're in the northern Jersey area and you got an affinity, if you have a penchant for children drew and rami not from the hulu show surprisingly there is another arabic name rami i thought they were all named muhammad but rami is the outlier name him and rami will come right up to you and say, what were you thinking, my guy? Because it's always a guy. You're never going to catch any women pedos. That's why my daughter is only allowed to have female teachers

and all men should be executed by the Taliban. They caught two. Females. Drew, you caught two females? Yeah. And who were they? But they came with a guy. Were they lesbians or they were looking after guys?

No, they were a couple. So you're just a cock block. You're just a cock block. Against 14-year-old boys, yes. Drew, let me tell you something. If I have a son and he's about to go hook up with some 42-year-old mentally ill kindergarten teacher, let that one slide look the other way like a cop when you hop the turnstile because my boy's about to get laid

and that is an instruction he's about to get his blue belt in fucking you're right they got her husband's probably a cuckold and was going to film it or something absolutely yeah so the taliban had their parade and it's very funny to watch because we supplied them with their cars for their parade they are parading and having a mock proverbial funeral with all nato's flags um and they have their flags the taliban has their flag it's in black and white and i always wonder if their flag and our flags are both made in china that would be really funny if there's like a factory somewhere in china where they're just making all the flags of people who are at war with each other

just like they made the mega hats make america great again by only making shit in America on this hat made in China. So they got their flags flying. They got all these different flags. It kind of looks like a fucked up United Nations march, actually, because they got all the flags of the countries that conquered Afghanistan for the past 20 years. Look, Afghanistan, we never owned Afghanistan. You got to heed the warning of the Native Americans

when they say nobody owns the land. The land owns us. I wouldn't even call our stay in Afghanistan a lease. We weren't even renting. I would call it more, it was more of a timeshare. It was more of a timeshare in Dewey Beach. Airbnb. It was an Airbnb session where we just kind of

hung out in the fucking dry mountains for about 20 years and then now they've hired they've hired a management company to just come and clean that shit up and get it ready for the chinese and russians who are about to stay for a little while so they have their parade they got their guns and it's just funny thinking about them trying to figure out how to fly our apache helicopters them just sitting there be like oh but they didn't leave the keys they're just sitting there turning knobs like mustafa you know how to fly this and they just go up and it just crashes we should have left the keys because the funny thing is they're not trained they don't know how to fly that shit so that'd just be funny watching them go down this is not push to start exactly there's drew drew is what you call an aspiring comedian now here's the deal with drew he's not funny at all but that doesn't matter in 2021 i am encouraging

drew to do stand-up because you want me to organize your stand-up show i'll do it do you want to open for me one night and put me in a hole i just need a cocktail actually it'll make you look way better that's a good point yeah what if i just bring drew and i just kill and you and then he just fucking massacres what if he just crushes then i go up there and be like wow wow, I didn't. It's sort of like a Jake Paul match. You know, I'm like, I'm just going in there expecting to knock it out. But then, like, he's actually got an overhand right.

You're Nate Robinson. And you just knock me the fuck out. Your agent comes up to me like, hey. Jake Paul. Now we're going to get comments that Drew's talking too much. If you get me one more three-star review on iTunes, I'm going to call the Taliban and have them cut that pretty fucking head off and put it in a barber's window because your hair looks fucking good today, Drew. Gross.

You got the Christopher Reeve little sway down, and Jesse looks like he's part-time Taliban. We could do a sitcom called like The Jersey Kid and The Taliban Father. Where he's just raised by a Taliban kid. So Jake Paul. Jake Paul. Did you watch it?

Did you guys watch? All right, I watched. I paid for it. Illegally. Drew did it illegally. I paid for it. And the kid's just making millions and

now he has on his resume he's got a retired basketball player he has a probably Hall of Fame wrestler MMA champion

who just came off hip surgery who was 40 years old that's like fighting someone's grandfather who can't throw punches. His third victim, his third victim was, I don't even remember, who was the third victim he fought after? No, and then he fought,

then he just fought Tyrone Woodley, who is a 40-year-old former wrestler who could strike, who had some power, and he won a split decision. So he has made trillions of dollars boxing against people who are not boxers, which is brilliant, dog. Brilliant. That is absolutely brilliant.

That is absolutely brilliant. That is like making a medication that fixes COVID when you're not a doctor and selling it. Why the fuck is somebody right now not merging up COVID pills? All you got to do is paint some M&Ms white, throw them on your website, and sell them to your fans and call them COVID antidote brought to you by whatever your podcast name is that's the era we live in right now where it doesn't really matter what's true or not or what works or not it's just

sell the fucking thing I have Eva Lovia's fleshlight it's going for five thousand dollars let's just say she kissed it okay so i know you could probably get an eva love your fleshlight for a lot less but can you get one that was given to yanni and kissed by eva love you who drew did sniff receipt when he came in it was a character piece and it was a character piece. And it was a character piece. Sean, Terry, loud 14. So Jake Paul, what's next for Jake Paul? I think at this point he should fight RuPaul or he should fight Logan Paul, his brother to the death.

Are you kidding me? Do you know how much money that would make if it's the two Paul brothers, but one has to die? Posted by the Taliban. Dog, if we, you could get anything done you wanted. If you said, hey, we will arrange this fight only if we can get 70% of the adults vaccinated in America. And even if you're an anti-vaxxer,

if you said we will have this fight, if we can unvaccinate the 50% of people who've been vaccinated. Whatever you believe, if we arrange that fight, the popular demand would be so high that people would do whatever needed to happen in order for the two Paul brothers

to fight to the death. And we make their mother, Mrs. Paul, watch it. Clockwork orange style, like this, with clips on her eyes, where she has to watch one of her sons murder the other one with their hands. Fucking Rome style, baby. When you look at the Roman statues, do you notice that they pose, Jess? Like you're a finger painter, right? So do you notice that they, I think that was their Instagram face.

I think they had that like sort of narcissistic want to be like recorded, but that was the technology that they had that they had to just have a gay guy sit there and sculpt them at a rock. But that was their like skinny pose. The Roman skinny pose was kind of like one leg out to the thing. And then they did that.

And it was like a look away. The David. That was the fucking Roman Graham hashtag skinny pose hashtag fucking watching Real Housewives. My wife watches Real Housewives. My wife watches Real Housewives. The way people who have an addiction to the home shopping network watch that. I asked her today. I was like, what? Because I was just watching her watch it.

I said, what makes this show appealing to women? They don't do anything she goes no they do things and there's drama and that's exactly what she said and she i cracked up women are vicious animals that if they don't create their own drama they like to watch other women create their own drama while they can just sit back and enjoy it that's what they like drama we like comedies and tragedy. I want to watch one of the Paul brothers die in a ring or I want to watch. Yeah, that's how we'll put Jake Paul's mom. Or how about this? Tyrone Woodley's mom fights Jake Paul's mom to the death. Okay. At a catch weight cat even if that means that that one of them has to get their heavies

lopped off because i think tyrone tyrone woodley's mom has some heavies i think there's a thing that when you're a black woman after 50 your titties just get real fucking giant because it's have you ever hugged a black woman it's like watching an asmr video it's like taking a volume and it's, have you ever hugged a black woman? It's like watching an ASMR video. It's like taking a volume and it's something about just putting your head in their pillows and having them tell you, it's going to be okay, baby.

Something, yeah, it's something comforting about like, it's going to be okay, baby. Whatever you're going through and can't be so, it can't be as bad as what we've been through and then you just, your head is in her titties

but not in a sexual way because, you know, because she's big. Black women get big. After 50, they just get big. Wasp women get very, it's two opposite directions.

You know? Black women get big. Waspy women just drink themselves to death with white wine Ziff and Dale in the closet. And they just get skinny and they throw up their food and their veins start showing. And there ain't no comfort there. They start looking like witches

and just a nice fat black woman just to put your head in there. Everything's gonna be okay when your head's in the bosom of a woman with big heavies. Seriously, seeing a skinny older black woman is rare. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? It's very rare.

Have you ever, like, think about a 60-year-old black woman. Maybe one out of 10. And the tete's always keep growing. The tete's grow. And it's just a comfortable experience. So even if Tyrone Woodley's mom's had to get a breast reduction to make a catchweight against Jake Paul's mom, I think they could make a lot of money. They to make a catchweight against Jake Paul's mom. I think they could make a lot of money. They could make a lot of money fighting each other. So the fight sucked. But you got to give the Pauls credit, dude. The Pauls represent everything that's kind of good about the internet in that they're entertainers.

You know, he's a troll. He gets us to tune in hoping for him to get knocked out. He learned from McGregor, who learned from Mayweather, who's the best at it, who learned from Muhammad Ali. They become the heel, and we all tune in hoping that the good guy wins. And it's entertainment. We're entertained. For a second, we don't think about our bills,

unless you spent the last $70 to watch a fight and you didn't pay for your lights, which I'm sure happens, especially in Cleveland, his hometown. I like when he just comes into Cleveland, puts on an event. Everyone's got to pay to get in. They don't have any money. I mean, Cleveland, I mean,

when you look at Cleveland, Rochester, Schenectady, you could go to Troy, New York, you could go to Albany, basically any city outside of Chicago, New York, Miami, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and maybe a handful of others, Miami, which is propped up completely by laundered South American, Russian, and Chinese money and drugs. Our cities are, they're just vacant. They're just dead. And you go to all the Chinese cities in Asia and you're like, what the, when did these fucking Eastern Hemis get skylines? It's almost like we're living in denial. Like, have you ever seen like a Malaysian skyline? And you're like, is that New York?

And then you go to New York, and some guy hits you in the head with a hammer in the train, and you're like, oh, that's not New York. And then you go to fucking Asia, and you're like, this is New York. You're like, no, dude, you're in Malaysia. I didn't even know Malaysia was a country, let alone had a fucking skyline. If you ask 8 out of 10 americas americans tell me what you think living in malaysia is like are you they're gonna be like are you kidding me i heard you get lyme's disease from touching water you can't drink the water uh i heard in malaysia you get attacked

by uh orangutans and there's fucking spiders that'll kill you, and they live in huts. And then you look at Malaysia, and you're like, what's the Dallas? When the fuck did that happen? When the fuck did you steal Cleveland? They started Cleveland, and they finished it in Asia. Because right now, Google for me, the top skylines in Asia. We only have two.

We have two. We got Chicago and New York. How many Asian cities got big ass fucking dicks in the sky? What's another one? Number 10, Beijing. Beijing. You ever go to Beijing, Dougoug it's just boners everywhere big buildings just like a bunch of dicks popping out of the sky nine shenzhen go for it no come on be chinese with it shine shine try it i always do Japan. Shenzhen. Good job. I'm just going to do Japan.

Japanese. Changking. Changking. Changking. Guangzhou. Bangkok. Tokyo. Oh, that is a joke.

I don't want to steal Sergio's joke, so I'm going to give him credit for it. But he said one of the funniest things to me on the phone. He should turn it into a bit, but I'm going to credit him and just use it for entertainment on my podcast because he said he had a Chinese friend growing up and he would just start making noises and he asked his friend,

yo, just tell me if I say something by accident. Sergio Chacon, follow him on Twitter. It's too funny. I'm sorry. You can still use it as a bit. Shanghai. Shanghai. Seoul. I mean, look at these cities, dog. Sergio Chacon Follow him on Twitter It's too funny I'm sorry You can still use it as a bit Shanghai Shanghai Seoul I mean look at these cities dog

I mean Asians This is The 21st century Belongs to Asia Singapore Is that London? Cause Here's the deal

I want you to I want you to look at either Hong Kong or Singapore 1950 to 19 To 21 21 Hong Kong Of Singapore, 1950 to 21. Hong Kong, of course, we know. I mean, they all have dope skylines. Nobody talks about this.

Then you go to Pittsburgh. It's like the Andy Warhol Museum and meth heads. That's it. Why do you think that happened? Because we shipped all of our jobs to China, the great Republican. Oh, my God. Yeah, look at what those cities look like. Do, yeah, so what is that?

I mean, dude, you look at those cities even in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s. It's just a bunch of ninjas wearing slippers fighting Bruce Lee in movies. And dude, they didn't even have cars. They had dudes running people around. They had dudes. They were, instead of horses,

it was just a dude running you around. You were just a British dude like, hello. I'm here to take me to my chateau. My name is Nigel. Are you my person to pick me up at two? I'll be at the airport can you run me home can you have a few

Chinese run me home and now they make all the cars they have all the skyscrapers and they make every single plastic fucking tchotchke that we have up on a shelf or in a child's hand or on the bottom of

our sneakers they make everything we used to make it and then we were like na na na na Richard Nixon was like yo we're gonna help you build China but here's the deal you build our shit I made a back door deal with all these corporations where here's the deal. You're going to pay your people five cents a day because that is better than the fucking worms that they eat and the pet dogs that they feast on after their child cries when they find out what they're having for dinner. So five cents is better. See, because over here we got labor laws and shit and we got people who can like speak up, but we gonna make a deal with you will you just make our shit for and you know whatever pay your people fucking dirt so the people i made backdoor agreements with who own corporations

could pad their profits even more because it's the great jesseaturo says, who's sitting behind the camera, there's no end to up. A billionaire wants a trillion. Because why doesn't Jeff Bezos go, I'm just going to go live in Monaco and have women feed me grapes. Why do you want to go to space? Let me get this. You want to go in a fucking tube to space where you can't breathe and just look out the window and spend a trillion dollars doing that?

Why not go to Monaco and just live out every sexual fantasy you've ever had for the rest of your life until you die? Jeff Bezos has two decades left, three decades. Or how about just give Drew a hundo here? How about just give Drew $100,000? I'll be Dan Bilzerian. The kid's fucking doing social work. He's hunting pedos. What's a more big deal to protect our children

from pedos who speak English as a second language or for you to look out the fucking window and have an airline named Virgin? The first guy went on there, I would like you to was just a dream. Remember that guy? What's that guy's name who owns Virgin Airlines?

Oh, Branson. I like you. Had a dream when I was a kid. And every kid was going like, you know what? None of us ever thought about looking out the window at Earth and coming back down.

We had dreams about being, playing center field for the Yankees, about clearing Jersey City of pedophiles who speak English as a second language. Jesse had fantasies of living like Gauguin and just going and dying in Tahiti of syphilis after he banged every singer, nature-loving, no-shirt-wearing Native American woman he saw. Why don't people do what Gauguin did, the painter? If you're Franks and Beans

or you didn't have any culture growing up and you don't know who Gauguin is, here's the thing about Gauguin. Not the best artist. It looks like your son's kindergarten painting of a woman, but here's what he did. He made equivalent of a billion dollars in like 18 something as a banker.

And he said, why would I need any more money? I've robbed enough people. I've taken enough. Let me just go live somewhere, fuck and paint brown women until I die of syphilis. It's funny that Gauguin just came up naturally because that's the point I'm making. Why isn't Jeff Bezos somewhere just like, why isn't he in Thailand just fucking cleaning up the ladyboy culture? Look at Gauguin's painting.

He's not good, Jess. I know he's your idol, but he's not good because I could do that. Is he really? He's not that bad. I mean, he's decent, you I mean he's decent you know he's decent

but you know I don't know have you noticed that though about like Asian cities like if you sneak like it's just happened

over the past like 50 years where our cities cause Troy New York let's talk about Troy, New York. Troy, New York used to be one of the richest cities in the world. It's actually funny to think about because when you go to Troy, New York now, there's like a one in two chance you just get murdered. As soon as you get into the city lines lines there's just like someone trying to shoot you like bang bang troy new york at one point was like i think general ge was there you know glenn's falls all these companies that that set up shop in these cities

made these cities some of the richest in the world and then they just left. And now Troy City's like one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Flint, Michigan, another one. I mean, the list goes on. But in New York State, it's funny because New York City is one of the richest cities in the world and the rest of the state is just,

it's fucking Afghanistan. And then you go to Asia and you look at all those cities and you're like, every city. Have you ever seen Wuhan? Pull up Wuhan, which we didn't even know was a city until they created the thing that's killing people. Look at Wuhan. Wuhan, before you Google it, what would you,

Wuhan is like America's, let's say, it's like America's, I'd say Wuhan is like America's, let's say, it's like America's, I'd say Wuhan is like America's Kalamazoo or America's, what's the city in Montana? Montana City? Who the fuck knows? It's like Idaho City. It's like who gives a fuck about Wuhan, right? It's just another city in China.

It's not fucking Beijing. It's not Shanghai. It's not Hong Kong on that island. And look at Wuhan. Let's look at Wuhan skyline. I mean, look at Wuhan, cuz. Is that Wuhan? I mean, dude, look at Wuhan.

Jesse, you looking at that shit? That looks like Manhattan, and it's Wuhan. Where did they get all this money? What the fuck? Dude, they built it quick too. Look at that. A Wuhan supermarket loaded with DVD sellers. That looks great. That is Wuhan right now. We just don't know about it because we have this thing. You know, we've been taught thatica's the best all the time and like um and for a while we were you know the 80s oh it was you know the brat pack

st elmo's fire then you had the corey kids who were just like pedophile food for movie studio heads they just raped corey's asshole and he just drowned his sorrow in heroin and cocaine. But you know, his parents signed him up for that deal. I think there was a period where before the Me Too era where the parents who were poor

but they had like a good looking kid, they would just sign a contract going like, you will make my kid a movie star and I offer as tribute my child's orifices. kid, they would just sign a contract going like, you will make my kid a movie star and I offer as tribute my child's orifices. And then the parents just said, hey, Corey, son, you're going to be a movie star. Daddy is going to be able to golf the way he wants to golf. And if you have any side effects from this arrangement, a good drug to take is heroin, horse tranquilizers,

methamphetamines, whatever you can get your hands on, Corey, and drown out the fucking sorrows and memories from having some Jabba the Hutt-looking studio head just sweat on your boy ass. Just remember we're making a movie with you and your buddy, Corey Haim. Corey Feldman. The two Corys. It was a good deal back then.

Jamie Spears made that deal at some point. I like what he's trying to do right now. Jamie Spears, the father of Britney Spears, who's had his conservativer, whatever, conservativer revoked,

is asking for just $2 million. He's just blackmailing. He's going, you know what? I'll get out of your hair for $2 million. The court's probably going like, no, dude, you don't understand. You can no longer steal her money. And he's like, well, here's the deal. Wait a second. Here's the deal. I got used to a certain lifestyle using her money. Here's the deal, I got used to a certain lifestyle using her money. Here's the deal. Okay. I'm a member at this golf club. I have these three properties where I sip tea with the former head of Black Lives Matter who lives next door to me. We have these properties to upkeep. You don't understand. What about me? I need just a finder's fee per diem, something to make me go away quiet and they're going no

jamie you don't understand we're forcing you to go away there's nothing you could do you lost this lawsuit you could no longer steal your daughter's money and he goes wait just give can i just get two mil just can i have two mil and like what do you mean you can't just ask for two mil he's like you don't understand what it's like to get used to just having money you didn't earn from your little robot daughter who you abuse. You don't understand what that's like. What do you want me to go back to living in Florida? Okay.

Like a stripper's father? My daughter's a pop star. Give me two mil. You don't understand. I was in control of her hundreds of mil and you took that away from me. All I'm asking for is two to walk away. Yeah, you can pull that up.

Right now he's asking for two mil and it's really funny because he's just demanding $2 million. Even though we all know he's not her real father, the CIA is. Project Mickey Mouse. Look it up. Guys, we're brought to you by one of my favorite sponsors.

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free to get the app. And it's just amazing. The media landscape is broken and ground news is really filling that void for us to find out what the biases are in news before we read them. So we go in knowing that, hey, this is gonna be skewed to the right or left, far right or far left. Go get ground news. We're also brought to you by the absolute must way

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So here's what you got to do to go sign up. Go to butcherbox.com slash fumes. That's butcherbox.com slash fumes. Go get that free chicken, burgers, and hot dog in your first box with that promo code and then become a regular customer like me and Jesse. You will not be disappointed. It is the highest quality meat. I don't even understand why we tried to conquer Afghanistan. Why didn't we just try to do the same thing we did with China? You know, we're trying to stop our dependency on China. Why didn't we just go on the sneak tip, conquer the Middle East, and just say, all you guys got to do, we'll employ everyone here, okay? We just need to start building the factories here

that used to be in China, and then that will put off you guys taking us over in 50 years, but for the next 50 years, we'll once again be able to rival the monster that we made Pygmalion style. I mean, is China not the statue we made? Do you know the Pygmalion story?

You're a sculptor, right? Have you ever fallen in love with one of your paintings, Jesse? Have you ever painted a naked woman and jerked off to it? But you know the story of Pygmalion, right? Where he sculpts a Pygmalion is this fable where the sculptor

wanted to make the most beautiful woman and he sculpted her and he fell in love with her so much that the bitch came alive and left him. So he made her and then she wanted to do her own thing. China right now is like, I'm sorry, it's not you. It's me, okay? Yes, you taught me all this.

Yes, you brought me up. Yes, you introduced me to your friends. Yes, you taught me all this. Yes, you brought me up. Yes, you introduced me to your friends. Yes, you took me to nice restaurants. Yes, you taught me how to build. Yes, you gave us baseball. You know what we did? We sent back a baseball player based on the love you gave us. And now, not only is he the best pitcher in baseball,

he's also the best home run hitter. And yesterday, he stole home plate, who I think only like three or four people in the history of major league sports have ever done that. One of which was Ty Cobb, who yelled the N word while he did it and hit you in the face with his cleat. And the other one was Jackie Robinson,

who had the pressure of his people on his back and wanted to prove to the white devil how much of the superior athlete black people were. Satchel Paige, you couldn't fucking hit off of him. And the third one is now from Japan, who we gave baseball, Pygmalion. We taught them, and now they're making baseball players that make our baseball players look like private school,

grammar school, intramural athletes. Do you see what this fucking Japanese dude is doing? He's hit 40 plus home runs. Nobody's done this since Babe Ruth. And he stole fucking home plate yesterday. Do you remember Ichiro? If you look at Ichiro's stats, he's maybe the best baseball player of all time if he didn't start playing Major League Baseball at 28.

If you take his Japanese stats into account, the kid's got like 15,000 hits. And people go, oh, those don't count. Apparently they do. Apparently that Japanese league is pretty fucking good. Inside the park home runs using them. Look at what's happening in basketball. I mean, like, we won the gold, but it's like getting close.

It's getting close. The best players in basketball right now. Giannis is Greek. The kid in Dallas, what's his name? Come on, man. Luka Doncic. Kid's fucking Magic Johnson. Come from a country that I didn't even know existed.

What is it? Lithuania? Whatever the fuck he's from. He's from Estonia or some shit like that. Which is where you go to bang cheap prostitutes. Slovenia. Slovenia. I mean, really?

Kid from Slovenia playing like that? We're not number one anymore, is my point. All of our baseball league, Cuban, Dominican, Boricuas or Boricuas, Puerto Ricans, Venezuelans, who cheat, who cheat. They learned it from watching you, Dad. I learned it from watching you. You think we're going to go in in there fund paramilitary troops let american companies grow bananas and steal all the fucking land

and say that we're here to help you open casinos fuck prostitutes enslave our people throw them in fucking factories build a canal where you want to make your shit going and we're not going to steal signs during a baseball game against the evil empire, New York Yankees? They learned it from watching us. Houston Astros. I'm talking about the other best player who cheated, too. What's his name, the little guy? Come on, man.

Yes. Come on, man. Nobody knows sports anymore. Al Tuve. The little man is Nobody knows sports anymore. Altuve. The little Venezuela that could. Steel. But he's still an amazing baseball player. Yeah.

We still got the best of something. At least we're still dominating tennis. Wrong! Used to be Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi. Federer, Djokovic, and a Spanish kid? You're letting Rafa Nadal beat you? Where is our program to create athletes again? Boxers for Raw.

The heavyweight division was run by two fucking Russian Dragos. Not good. Not good. Not good. Who's dominating MMA? Dagestanis. Dagestan. It won't be long before Asia that's on the rise

will do the same thing that they're doing with this baseball player in all the sports. They're gonna take over everything. We're just not number one anymore. And we just showed it in Afghanistan. And that's why Japan just passed their biggest military budget in a long time. Here's the deal. When we won World War II, General Marshall, we did something called the Marshall Plan, and this is what you're supposed

to do when you win a war. Abraham Lincoln wanted to do the same thing. He died, and that's why our country's fucked. If Abraham Lincoln wasn't assassinated, he would have extended an olive branch to the South and not punished them. Andrew Johnson punished the fuck out of the South. Punished them. That's not what you're supposed to do. That's what the Treaty of Versailles, the first one the European powers did to Germany,

punished them after World War I. Fucked it up. That's not what you're supposed to do. You whoop someone's ass, you don't keep talking shit and punish them further because then you create animosity and you become the bad guy. You lift them up and say, hey man, good fight. Let me help you. Let me help you rebuild, which is what we did after World War II. Now we have an ally in Japan and Germany. Lifted them up, helped them rebuild, gave them baseball. Okay. But we said, this only comes on one

condition. We're going to forgive you a lot of shit. Okay. You put Romanians, gypsies, gays, famously Jews, merged Greek villagers, killed Yugoslavis, slaughtered Russians, talking about millions of people. We will look the other way. If we give you baseball and we say to you, you guys can't have guns anymore. Enough's enough. We will be your protection, but you guys, your military, you can't do it, okay?

Because Germans, they can't handle it. It's like giving an alcoholic a drink. You give a German a gun, it's like giving an alcoholic a drink you give a german a gun it's just there's a feeling that is his opiate he starts right now they're just living with the shakes and that's why they created the eu they're trying to conquer it that way economically you know they're like hey let's but the shahab is in a european union like that's never going to work there's so many cultures people going to hate each other how does that work for the other countries well the thing is we don't like paying taxes

then we go we don't like paying the import tax the export they come we are the economic powerhouse of europe and they want not so to make more money and conquer this way so we said okay just let them conquer through economics that's fine as long as they don't get any fucking Panzer tanks back and methamphetamine, okay? Because all those guys were fucking hopped up on meth and they got their tanks. So we took their tanks and we said, hey, be cool. We'll protect you.

Japanese and Germany thrived, became economic powerhouses using our systems, using our assistants, learning baseball. And then all of a sudden, we started watching reality TV. We started eating fast food. We started doing Dancing with the Stars. We stopped celebrating greatness. We started talking about equality, which is not American. Equality is not American.

It's, hey, beat the fuck out of your competition and win. Win at all costs. America was Emilio Estevez's father in the breakfast club. We don't tolerate any losers in this family. All you gotta do is win. And now we've become Judd Nelson, There's already losers in this family. All you gotta do is win. Now we've become Judd Nelson. Just a drug addicted fucking fat loser who pumps his fucking,

pumps his fist in the sky because he kissed a chick and he takes that as a victory because his dad burned cigarettes on his face. That's who we've become. So Japan is scared out of their fucking mind. Japan

is seeking a record defense budget right now for new technology because they just watched what happened in Afghanistan and they said, you can't even protect those fucking people

from a ragtag bunch of dudes with Toyota, like a rock, trucks who are running around with Kalashnikov fucking Russian old guns. And the spirit of Allah, you can't even stop them from taking back their country in minutes. As soon as we were like, yo, we're out,

they were like, yo, we're out, they were like, you, we're back. Like bedbugs. Fucking the Taliban is back like fucking bedbugs, dog. Remember bedbugs were eradicated and then we got rid of that chemical because of environmentalists and now we're all scared of bedbugs? The Taliban is back like Brendan Fraser,

who Jesus fuck, was that kid pulled out of a river after being murdered? He looks like a bloated corpse. But he's back. Pull up Brendan Fraser. So Japan just watched what happened in fucking Afghanistan. They say, we got to start arming ourselves because right across this fucking Chinese river

or whatever it's called over there, because we're not even taught to learn about over there because we're just taught that America is the best and everything else is fucking garbage um I don't even know what that body of water is called but across the river there is a fucking giant called China that's looking at Japan and say you know what Japan you guys look a lot like us. Wouldn't it be nice if you also were part of us? Look at Brendan Fraser. How does that happen?

How much fucking Chick-fil-A is this kid eating? Jesus Christ. I don't know if there's been a bigger fall from grace the USA or Brendan Fraser Japan's gonna start arming themselves as China

mark my words you heard it first on Long Days just like you hear most things first on Long Days if you go back and listen I'm always ahead of the curve sweetheart just like you hear most things first on Long Days. If you go back and listen, I'm always ahead of the curve, sweetheart. They're going to take the whole eastern hemisphere.

They will control. China will control. Pakistan. India. They will control. Korea. They already control North Korea. They'll get to South Korea.

They'll get to Japan. They already took Hong Kong. They'll get to South Korea. They'll get to Japan. They already took Hong Kong. They're going to control that whole area with their manifest destiny. I don't know how to say that in Chinese. Can someone start making noises and maybe we'll get lucky. Shout out Sergio Chacon for one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

That is their manifest destiny where they want to spread just like we did. That's what happens when you become powerful. You want to conquer. You want more. So I can't wait who Jake Paul's going to fight next. That's what really matters. What is it?

How do you say it? Manifest destiny in Chinese is, why don't you throw the volume button on it? Let's hear what really matters. What is it? How do you say it? Manifest Destiny in Chinese is, why don't you throw the volume button on it? Let's hear what it says. And because that's the name of the episode. Tian Ming. Tian Ming. I'm reading it as Tian Ming.

I haven't looked down once because fucking Yanni. Someone just... Tian Ming. Say it again. You got it right. Say it again. Tian Ming. Tian Ming.

You're close. Manifest destiny, baby. You telling me President Xi ain't talking about that shit in parliament meetings that the AP is not invited to? Tian Ming. That's going to be our new Weishan Chi. I was just thinking that.

I mean, they already did spread if you count COVID as a Chinese creation. Thank you, Jay Harvin. Yeah, me. Where'd you get that shirt? I got this shirt. This kid who comes to all my shows made this shirt. I can't remember your name

because I'm an arrogant comedian and I don't view you as people. You're just numbers. You're an algorithm to me. Jay Harvin. Jeff Bezos wants to go to space because he hopes the zero gravity will even out his eyes. Jay Harvin 15 on Instagram.

Yanni is too scared to read my comments. No, I am not, Omar. King of the What's it called where my chat is Discord Go join my Discord I don't know contact Omar to join the Discord Patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days

I will be in Baltimore I will be coming up in Richmond Virginia In like two weeks. So go to yannaspapascomedy.com for Richmond and Baltimore tickets. A few Connecticut shows too in September. My new show, Unleashed, go watch that. For BetMGM, you can find that on iTunes or whatever with me,

Olivia and Olivia Harland-Decker. But if you live in the Richmond area, Richmond, Virginia, I'm coming to kill Confederates. Jay Harvin 15. I don't even prove freedom. I just go with Jay Harvin 15. The Taliban had a parade and they didn't need any floats because their carpets do that already.

They had a parade. There you go. Jake Paul for president for president dog i want to see that did you uh hear about tyron will be getting the tattoo that says i love did he get the tattoo i'm getting a tattoo that says i love china because uh he wants a rematch so the only way I know of course he wants a rematch he wants to make some money yeah two million each but nobody's gonna watch that fight just like nobody's watching

what's happening except for Yanni Longdays we have a rival in the world we are not the superpower anymore that we used to be and we need to wake up we need to wake up um we need to wake up like usa gymnastics needed to wake up to the fact that they had a doctor who was just molesting every single champion we've ever had for the last

20 years dr nasser i didn't catch him in time but here's the deal usa gymnastics right now is about to agree to a 425 million dollar settlement for the survivors of his abuse i got two questions jesse scaturo and you need to answer them for me one how the fuck does the gymnastic squad, how does the USA gymnastics have $425 million to give out like their Coca-Cola for a settlement? That means they have a billion dollars. If you give out $425 million, you're willing to settle for $425 million? who the fuck watches gymnastics outside of the Olympics? Who the fuck is watching gymnastics besides pedophiles and patriotic Americans during the Olympics? I think they made gymnasts so young

because they know the only people that would watch gymnastics are pedophiles. The same way they let them fight in hockey because the only people that'll watch hockey is drunk white guys who like to fight. Now let me ask you a question. This is long days, so we don't do what you call morality here.

We do funny. If you were a gymnast and you found out that the only way you could make any money is if you were like the greatest in the world and you got in a Wheaties box for one year and you got a couple of endorsements and maybe a Jimmy Fallon appearance and 10 minutes of fame I mean can you even remember the blonde haired girl who's the gymnast who won the gold medal like two weeks ago I can't remember her fucking name I can only remember Simone Simone Biles's name and that's it. I can't even remember the Asian girl who won fucking gold medal in the all-around. I don't

remember. Okay. And I watched them. That's because nobody cares about gymnastics. But if somebody said to you, listen, what you're doing is incredible. When you watch it, it's like this is a superhuman feat, but it doesn't get the love. Unlike the WNBA, like this is a superhuman feat but it doesn't get the love unlike the WNBA which is not a superhuman feat this is a superhuman feat you're fucking trolling around but nobody appreciates it you're not gonna make money but if this doctor does fucking molest you you will make 10 million dollars 20 million dollars each is it worth it yeah Drew says yeah because he's from Jersey and he's a pedo hunter don't you understand that that goes each. Is it worth it? Yeah. Drew says yeah because he's from Jersey and he's a Beatle hunter.

Don't you understand that that goes opposite to what your job is? You're supposed to catch people. I know. I should have. I didn't catch him soon enough. Jesse says no because Jesse's a good guy. What has that gotten you, Jesse, being a good guy? Sitting here. Sitting here.

And what has being a good guy gotten me sitting here no studio head in Hollywood cared that I did social work for five years they said are you a lesbian

no get out of my office is your name Elliot no I love when fucking people try to tell me I'm offensive or whatever. Like they just sit on their couch and have done nothing for society.

I did five years of fucking social work. I gave back. I don't know if it's a clear cut. No, it's not worth it to get $20 million. Obviously, I'm kidding. But I'm just saying, have you ever hooked up with a Catholic girl from Catholic school? Does anyone fuck with more passion than a Catholic girl from Catholic school?

Is the repression of Catholicism not worth it for the sexual monsters it creates? Because without that oppressive, repressive religion, those girls wouldn't want to suck the skin off your dick the way that they do. Because it's bad, it's naughty. I'm just saying you can't make omelets without breaking a few eggs.

That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying it's a good thing what this guy did. But I am saying $425 million is pretty sweet compensation especially since there's no way to make money as a gymnast and a lot of these girls go back to stocking shelves like Kurt Warner

dreaming of a Super Bowl that's what they do that's what the media does they're making a movie out of Kurt Warner right now. I interviewed him yesterday. Great guy. Great guy.

I asked my co-host if we should do the interview in tongues. Kid loves Jesus. I think he speaks God's language too, which is tongues. We know that. I may get fired from my other show from this joke, but I don't sacrifice my own show's humor for anything. Okay?

Kurt Warner is a committed Christian. I respect that. I respect the commitment. If you're going to be Jewish, wear the wool suit, wear the curls, suck the foreskin off that little kid's penis when they circumcise him and don't have your ham touch your cheese that is a real Jew

I don't like these compromised bullshits I don't like that that's not what God said God said you can't fucking have a ham and cheese sandwich you're going to hell you're not a Jew anymore you're a Muslim and you sandwich. You're going to hell. You're not a Jew anymore. You're a Muslim and you have bacon? Guess what? Hell.

Yeah. You make friends with a Christian? You're obviously not familiar with jihad, my friend. Hell. You're a woman and your hair is exposed? Hell. Okay? Okay?

I don't like these fucking reform religions basically you're just that's bullshit you're just trying to rationalize not being religious and still say you are

okay Jesse your father was Italian your mother was Jewish that means you're Jewish you can't just take the bar mitzvah money and then go have a fucking ham sandwich and think that God's're Jewish you can't just take the bar mitzvah money and then go have a fucking ham sandwich

and think that God's not watching you dog you're going to fucking Ari Shafir's purgatory where you have to prove to God that you are sorry for eating a dirty bodega ham sandwich after you were drunk eating all that gabagool

exactly I don't like that I respect I respect fucking full you were drunk. Eating all that gabagool. Exactly. I don't like that. I respect, I respect fucking full religious people. I do. I respect them so much. I support Texas's decision to ban abortions.

What's the tell us? They were fucking Russian abortions last night. Like we were trying to get our last partying in before the quarantine. You remember we knew that it was an impending lockdown coming and everyone just went out and fucked one last time and went to one last techno party. Last night in Texas, there was more quicker abortions. Last night in Texas, there was more quicker abortions. I mean, because they killed more babies more quicker than the Newtown shooter.

Sorry. Thank you. It's a good one. Manifest destiny in Chinese. I mean, so last night they were rushing to just get abortions because they knew that Texas was going to pass this law, which is very complicated. A lot of states have tried it. Twelve states have tried to ban abortion.

What Texas is doing right now is they have passed a law that essentially bans abortions once a heartbeat is detectable, which is six weeks, which is usually when a woman is not even aware that she's pregnant yet. So basically it means you can't get an abortion, unless the next day. The people who are real happy about this are the morning after pill whoever makes the morning after pill is like

yo amazon put us on your website we're gonna be doing a lot of shipping to texas my plan b smoothie now here's the deal there's gonna be a population swell in texas there already is because all the people trying to evade taxes in california and also just trying to find a population swell in Texas. There already is because all the people trying to evade taxes in California and also just trying to find a new cool place have moved from California to Austin. How quick do you think that they're going to pick that caravan up and move back to California? Because there's nothing more than soulless Californian people love than killing babies. When someone tells me they're a progressive or they tell me they're a Democrat, I'm like, prove it, dog. How many abortions have you had? Me, six. That's how much of a committed lefty I am.

Abortion. Because they're going to fucking run back to California quicker than the Mormons follow Joe Smith to fucking Utah. There's about to be an exodus of just hipsters following some guy named Shane with a neck tattoo and a 1930s barber's mustache. And they're going to hop in their fucking fuel-efficient cars and they're driving the fuck out of Texas to go kill their babies in good old California. There's a gold rush of abortions out there.

Crazy. The Supreme Court has not ruled on this like they have in the past where they've upheld Roe v. Wade over it because the way this Texas law was crafted, it makes it so you can sue anyone who facilitates an abortion, the doctor, all the way up to the people who drive you to the abortion. You can get sued like minimum $10,000. It's very complicated, but they figured out a way to eschew.

They figured out a way to eschew Roe v. Wade and essentially de facto, much like the Chinese did with the national security law, figured out a way to make it illegal to have an abortion in Texas. So Christians and Republicans, just get ready to take a lot of unwanted babies in, baby. You thought you were gonna have an influx of Californians

and that was too much. Wait till you see the fucking apocalypse zombie army of unwanted children who flood your streets. That would be a great way for Armageddon to happen. If it isn't like, if it's just like us versus all these otherwise aborted fetuses that grow up who just hate their lives because their parents didn't want them

and they grew up in foster homes and shit like that. You know, it's real funny. You're going to need, Texas, you're going to have to add some social programs to handle all these unwanted kids, dog. I mean, they're going to be chucking out. You're going to find unwanted kids on the side of the road like a fucking Twinkie rapper.

People ain't going to, unwanted kids on the side of the road like a fucking Twinkie rapper. People ain't going to, thank you, because people are not going to stop fucking. They're not going to stop fucking. But that's it. Abortion is pretty much illegal in Texas right now. So there's going to be a lot of refugees. So there's going to be a lot of refugees. There's going to be a lot of refugees out of Texas right now going to states that have different laws. The woman's right to choose. The thing about abortion is where the left makes their mistake, I believe, in my humble opinion, is they don't admit that abortion is a horrible thing.

No matter which way you slice it, it's not, they celebrate it. Like, it's my right to, you know, it's like as if they're not like killing a potential life, right? So even, you gotta look at it as a necessary evil, kind of. You gotta like market it that way. Like, look, this is a woman, you know, this is a woman's decision.

You gotta market it with the great Louis C.K.'s joke off his last special before he became persona non grata by the ladies, by the Charlie's Angels, activate. He had a joke where he said, hey, this is Louis C.K., but it's a good joke. He said, hey, don't those states have a law where you can kill someone if they're on your property? I mean, you can kill someone if they're in your house.

Shouldn't you be able to kill someone if they're in your body? Thank you. Wild. So the squad, let's get to squad news. You know I love my squad news. The squad news is asking Joe Biden to replace the Fed chairman. Now get this, his name is Jerome Powell. Now, if I didn't think that was a yeah, I mean, brother, you got another thing coming. If you tell me some guy's name is Jerome

Powell, I'm expecting to see someone that looks exactly like Jay Harvin 15, but pull up Jerome Powell. Jay Harvin 15 says, Texas is going to be so wild you're not going to be able to tell if you're in Dallas or Nick Cannon's house. Nick Cannon has a lot of kids. There's Jerome. There's Jerome Powell. He looks like a Star Wars villain. He looks like the guy who goes to Darth Vader

in a cap and goes, Commander Vader, Luke Skywalker Wars villain. He looks like the guy who goes to Darth Vader in a cap and goes, uh, Commander Vader, Luke Skywalker is downstairs with Princess Leia and they're commanding to see you. That is the whitest

fucking guy named Jerome I've ever seen. Looks evil. Yeah. Well, that's what, according to AOC, the Beyonce of the squad, she wants to get rid of him. Well, that's what, according to AOC, the Beyonce of the squad, she wants to get rid of him. Now, why does she want to get rid of him? Because she says he is not as active on fighting climate change with his policies as she's like,

especially after all these scientists said, hey, we're going to die in like five minutes. And the scientists are probably right like they usually are and if they're not right they always amend it because their process is you know the scientific method and peer review and they're constantly seeking to amend what they've come up with to find out what exactly is the truth so we're probably gonna all die pretty soon. Land is not gonna be arable, not gonna be hospitable. So AOC and the squad, we're living at a time

where there are representatives of people who are called by the media the squad. I mean, what the fuck is going on? The squad. I mean, I just wanna watch AOC deep porn fake and I just want to talk about sports and check out. That's why I love that I have this sports show because I just want to check out.

I just want to check out and talk about sports. So AOC and the squad are calling on Biden to replace Jerome Powell to fight climate change. Now, Jerome Powell was, I think he was appointed by Obama. to fight climate change. Now, Jerome Powell was, I think he was appointed by Obama and then he was upheld by Trump and they're trying to get rid of him. AOC's not always wrong.

I'm not here to say I'm just a comedian. He's wrong or right, but I think climate change, which John Kerry, who somehow has found his way, John Kerry's like the Robert Ori of the political establishment. You're like, he's still in the league

and he's still winning championships. He just finds a way to stay in politics. He was Secretary of State. What is he now? Is he like a climate change emissary? John Kerry is going to meet with Japan and China. It seems like it's the only thing that China and America agree on right now is climate change. So he's meeting with the CCP to talk about ways that they can both fight emissions

and help save the planet for China's dominance. He is the United States special presidential envoy for climate. I mean, this fucking kid gets a job. I mean, he just, John Kerry with that sad loser fucking face has managed to stay in politics. I mean, he's just around the league, dog. He's just around the fucking league. Like, he's just around the league. Like Charles Bark's just around the fucking league.

He's just around the league like Charles Barkley. He's just still there. 1971, John Kerry. Yeah. He's been around forever. So I don't know. I mean, I don't know how Fed...

Do you understand any of this? What does the Fed policy have to do with climate change? They do interest rates. I mean, we're just stupid. The three people in the room have no idea why this is. And I'm just going to say I support AOC. I don't think she's always wrong, dog. I don't think she's always wrong, dog. I don't think she's always wrong. You know? That's the thing.

She's probably right. Does anyone understand this? Comment roulette. I'm looking down. I'm reading what I see. Does anyone understand how the Fed, what does the Fed do, by the way? They decide interest rates. So Jesse knows that,

which means like what time it is for the banks to make money in making you buy a house you can't afford. Let's be honest. That's the way the bank makes money by selling you the American dream going, hey, you know what? Don't rent, buy a house, which basically means we're buying the house and then you have to pay us back and we'll lend out your money to other people and on interest because we're loan sharks. And that's how we make our money. Houses is just a way for banks to make money. Why the fuck are you going to buy a house like me and be stupid?

I'm fucking dead in 20 years and my wife's going to inherit it anyway because she's younger than me. My dad won the lottery. Rogan has COVID. No way. Someone just said that. Is that true?

Can we look that up? Can you look that up right now? They are a private bank. They are part of the federal government. Yeah, it's always a little weird. Yeah, we just have what you call breaking news over here at the Long Day Studio. No, Rogan does not have COVID.

That is what you call fake news. It says he'll refund fans who don't want to get a vaccine, though. Jay Harvin 15 comment roulette says, Texas is trying to increase kids and China is trying to limit them. This is going to be the first world war fought exclusively on Fortnite. Very funny. If you don't have COVID and you listen to this podcast,

you do have Yovid, which is Yanni's, which is a Yanni disease where he harasses you to get the vaccine. That's called Yovid. You did it to me. Elizabeth Holmes, she's going to trial she sold us some fake shit right and she got caught she blamed it on her uh the patriarchy correct i love that bitch i mean there's she is i mean you could tell she's a psychopath just by looking at her can you pull up a picture of this bitch's

eyes because she's as cold as darth vader talk about fucking star of this bitch's eyes? Because she's as cold as Darth Vader. Talk about fucking Star Wars. This bitch, when you look at her, she looks like you're staring at the Night Stalker. I mean, if you stick your dick in that crazy, you're a fucking moron. Okay? I will credit Alex Guerrero's, Alexis Guerrero's, who's a comedian who thinks he's bigger than he is.

And I love him to death, but he is big in size. Alexis Guerrero said his Cuban grandfather gave him one tip for life. And that tip was never stick your dick in the crazy. Look at that bitch. Could you not see that crazy from miles away? Jesse's allergic to crazy, which is why I love, you see crazy coming a while,

like when Drew came here, you're like, are you sure you're making the right decision and i said we need a little youth and instability in this room i mean drew's an interesting case i know because he wants to be heard i felt that vibe he doesn't the fans don't want to hear from him but once in a while he will say something that will spur me on a great rant. Like that fucking, who's the white rapper who's got a regular name? Jack Harlow. Jack Harlow.

That was because Drew said something. And then I went off and we had a hit rant. So, you're like COVID. There's a lot of bad that comes out of you, but there's also going to be a lot of good changes too. Like we don't got to go to work anymore. That's great. You can work from your own house because of Drew. Drew is human COVID.

Drew, would you fuck her? Yeah. Of course you would. I was thinking about it. I'm asking the guy who's got a collection of fleshlights at his house. How many fleshlights do you have? You're 24 years old. You got great fucking hair.

You got a great job chasing pedos. You're the son of a firefighter. You're a jack kid. You apparently know how to box. You got fucking Yeezys on there on lace. You have two Jesus Christ crosses on right now.

They were two for 60. I only used them twice. They're too much maintenance to clean. I mean, you are double Catholic. Drew is wearing two crosses.

And he's got Jesus on his chest. It's always great to have a crazy Catholic in the room. Why are you fucking flashlights when you could be banging checks? Your gut's out. You look like me right now.

Yeah, I know. That's COVID gut for you. So you got two crosses because they were two for 60? Well, my brother got me both for both of my birthdays from each year in a row. Does that one have bling on it?

This one's 33,500. Oh, shit. He gave it to me. I didn't buy it. Drew's wearing two crosses. Cuz, I love you, Drew. You could cut this. Did you see how I won $100,000 off a $5 slot?

I didn't see that. We're not going to cut it. Oh, well. Okay. Because I want the people to see. Well, I don't want tax collectors. But I want the people to see how random your conversation can be sometimes. Me and Jesse will be setting up in the studio,

and Drew will be talking about the traffic that come here. And I was in there taking a shit, listening to Jesse try to pretend to pay attention while Drew was talking about the BQE. I love you to death. Traffic sucks. Traffic always fucking sucks, guys. You're coming from Jersey. We're going to get you an apartment in Bay Ridge.

It's only a 45-minute drive. It's not that bad. So Elizabeth Holmes is, Elizabeth Holmes, who was born in Crazy Town, USA, is being sued because she created some company where apparently she had some miracle mechanism, right, with some blood tests, much like BGI, and it ended up all being fake.

There was no technology there. And, you know, she got caught and she blamed it on her boyfriend, right? She's trying to blame it on her boyfriend. She faces 20 years in prison as her company, which was called theranos she tried to hide it in a good greek name um and it's worth her her startup was once worth nine billion dollars credit the great tim dylan when you say fake business baby and as it turns out

it was all bullshit there was no technology there she was just some crazy bitch from some wasp family that fucking dropped out of Stanford University created a fake business stole a bunch of fucking money with her blood testing industry

and was able to hide behind the fact that she was a fucking boss bitch. She was not a fucking child rearing fucking Republican fucking bitch. She was empowered. She was the boss of her own company and she was fucking telling men what to do she didn't take no shit okay and the word bitch and the word boss have no place in fucking society do the backstroke yas for all the bosses in the room that have uteruses yas you are birthing people. You are not women. Respects trans rights. Give it up for our fucking Gloria Steinem-approved feminist hero, Elizabeth Holmes, who proves that women can be just as much

of fucking assholes as men. You think men are the only ones who can fucking start a fucking Enron company and steal all your fucking money? No. Fucking this bitch proved that you're just as good at men as being fucking thieves. She did it. Was she the one with the fake voice?

She had a fake company. Well, like that would talk like this. Whatever. What do you mean? She, like... She'd talk like a man? What do you mean? She talk like a man? Google it. Let's hear it.

Social Security is going to run out of money sooner than expected. Victory for the right, huh? Let's see. Look at this crazy bitch. I'm going to her voice. Holmes now speaks with a deep commanding delivery, but her foreign professor says she used to sound a lot different. We're learning more about Elizabeth Holmes, the one-time billionaire who spectacularly... Look how crazy she is, don't she? Ever since she became a national figure, people have been struck

by her deep voice. We've made it possible to eliminate the tubes and tubes of blood that traditionally have to be drawn from an arm. But it turns out it may have been all an act, a put-on, to make her sound more authoritative. People who knew her before she became the Elizabeth Holmes with that baritone voice, many of them do point to the fact that her voice definitely sounded different beforehand. A professor who taught Holmes at Stanford

remembers Holmes' voice as sort of high-pitched when she was an undergraduate student. Then came the big switch. She says in this low voice, and I'm like, oh, my God. Holmes found a therapist, the biotech company that came... Dude, she's out of her mind. She's wearing a turtleneck. All right.

She's wearing a Steve Jobs turtleneck and talking like him. Yeah, I mean, just follow your dreams, kids. Follow whatever you want to do. I mean, dreams can't just be limited to people who want to do good things. Dreams also need to include people who want to do good things. Dreams also need to include people who want to steal a bunch of people's money. Hats off.

Elizabeth Holmes fucking sticking it to the patriarchy right where the patriarchy deserves. This has been a great episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Now we're going to read some Patreon names. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Now we're going to read some Patreon names.

I never plug it. Hopefully, Jesse can just put it up during the episode. Patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays for a weekly bonus episode and other content. Go join at the level you can afford and become a subscriber to my channel, to this show. That's the way it works. That's what keeps the comedy independent. What the fuck was that?

Subscribe. Now for our Patreon members. Guys, time for our small business shout-outs. As always, you gotta support these guys. Zjamarealty.com for any commercial or apartment rental listings in Brooklyn. If you listen to this podcast and you're moving to Brooklyn or you got a business, you're looking for a spot in Brooklyn, Zjamarealty.com.

Go check out these screwed in kids. They will find you a spot. Zjamarealty.com. Qom. Zrealty. Zjamarealty.com. Shout out Andrew Cuomo's secretary. Shout out to our favorite WASP down in South Florida,

Grant Trower, South Florida Realty. If you're looking to get out of New York, you want to move anywhere in South Florida, you hit up Grant Trower.theatlanticrealtygroup.com, granttrower.theatlanticrealtygroup.com, or just call him up, 954-591-6465, and you can follow him on the gram at grant underscore trower. So Grant Trower, we love you, you fucking South Florida wasp. Then we got our boy, of course, Squeegee Luigi. These are all great names for these small shout outs. So you know the deal with Squeegee Luigi. He personally creates every item

that he offers from his cannabis paraphernalia, his exotic dab tools, pipes, rolling trays, luxury pants, jewelry, and my favorite, self-defense gear, tools, furniture, and beyond. All you got to do is go to his site. I go all the time and peruse it. Just go check it out. It's really cool. Go follow him on the gram at GetTurntCo. That's G-E-T-TurntCo. G-E-T-T-U-R-N-T-C-O. GetTurntCo. And go leave him a comment and check out his shit and support his stuff.

Squeegee Luigi. Then, of course, we got the great sauce monkey himself, Chris Minetti. In the Philly, South Jersey area, there's only one option. You got to go to Minetti Financial Services if you need a business check cashed in that area. And all you got to do is call Chris at 215-750-3730. No website, nothing. Old school. Just call the fucking guy on the phone. He packs a gun. Then of course we got from Michael Hamlet Jr. We got to give a small business shout out to one of my favorite shout outs. Small business shout out to one of my favorite shout outs. Mike is the founder and creative director of the Bronx brand.

You know it. He's also a recovering hyena. So he wants me to say that. And he's now a long hauler. He is a big supporter. So you got to go to the Bronx brand. They collab with local artists in the Bronx to celebrate the culture of the Bronx and New York City as a whole.

And each Bronx artist they work with earns a revenue share with each sale. So every purchase you make helps support a local artist from prints to clothings, et cetera, to stories in the Bronx magazine. The Bronx brand is uplifting the home of hip hop. That's where it started.

It's really dope. It really is. So I'm very proud to have them. Go to thebronxbrand.com and just go check it out and get yourself something cool for your crib or to wear. Very cool shit. I'm going to be buying something soon. I was looking at your site and it's dope, man.

It really is. So thank you, Michael Hamlet Jr. Then of course we got Reese, Reese Orman, my man, Reese Waston Bowers. This kid has got a great idea, man. So you know the deal. Everyone needs IT right now. Instead of hiring a whole IT department or personnel, all you got to do is go to techvera.com. You can find them on Facebook, Tech Vera IT, LinkedIn, Tech Vera. Just mention Reese in the ad. And he's the CEO, so just mention Reese. So if you need to hire anybody for any IT need, okay, automation, security, whatever the fuck it is, what they do is they offer 24-7, 365 coverage and unlimited support, unlimited IT support to their flat rate partners.

So it's a really great idea, and it makes IT help so much easier than hiring people. You can just hire Tech Vera. Go and do that with my boy, Rhys, the CEO of Tech Vera. It's our cheesecakes. Guys, if you're in the Los Angeles area, you got to go support Julia and Gregory. You can actually get a cheesecake at any Uncle Paulie's Deli. Friend of the show, Uncle Paulie, who's a friend of mine um you can go to eastsidecheesecakes.com follow them on the gram eastside cheesecakes they have the freshest most delicious variety of flavored cheesecake going brother go start and support them by looking at their gram

we love supporting their small business and watching them grow. It's just absolutely food porn. That's where you start. Just go follow them on the gram, Eastside Cheesecakes. Aaron Leaf, what's the fucking deal is with you, my brother? For the Free is an organization dedicated to providing artists in Hawaii

a place to develop their craft. They host free shows, post free music from local Hawaii artists. Go check out For The Free as soon as you can. ForTheFree.us Check them out.

It's all free. They got videos of events, stuff like that. Go support local Hawaii artists and learn about new bands coming out of Hawaii. So cool. Aaron Leaf, we appreciate you.

Rob's fucking mental playground. The fucking king. Go to Rob's mental playground on the fucking gram. Support this fucking wild kid. He made the hyena that's on my set that you see every time we do a chat episode. Rob'smentalplayground.com. You have to buy something from Rob for the fun of it, okay? Go support Rob.

robsmentalplayground.com, Rob's Mental Playground on the gram. Check him out and go commission a piece of art or a t-shirt or something from Rob. You gotta support Rob. If you love this show, we're gonna keep Rob's Mental Playground in, we're going to keep Rob's Mental Playground in business because I can't lose Rob's Mental Playground. So go fucking buy something and post

it. I will repost it. Let's keep Rob afloat. Then, of course, Jared Z from the Stinkbox, Tallahassee, looking for that hairy Yanni P to make me a cuzzy. You know the deal with this kid. Exclusiveautoshipping.com. Just go get your free quote. If you're moving your car anywhere in the United States, who knows the fucking world. Their reviews are great. Exclusiveautoshipping.com if you need to move your car if you're moving anywhere.

It's as simple as that. Thank you to each and every one of you small business sold out. That tier is sold out to you guys. It's yours for as long as you want it. As soon as someone drops off, there's gonna be a fucking hyena there to pick it up.

So I hope this is helping awareness for your brand and I really enjoy doing it because you guys are hustlers and this is the era of that. And you actually, all of you got a great product. So thank you so much. Now let's get to the fucking Patreon members.

Am I missing somebody else? No, that's it. Okay, now for our Patreon members, our newest, patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays. Let's see if there's some funny names. We always encourage it. Austin our newest, patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays. Let's see if there's some funny names. We always encourage it. Austin Manley, welcome. Enzo Long, thank you. Come on. Jamie Bass, Martin Luther King. That's a goodie. Martin Luther King. Richie Benson, martin luther king richie benson jimmy lundstrom scandinavian kid devin james yeah main uh not another cooking show welcome brianna r welcome girl wood chip addy zach tomasco saeed Barhoosh, Derek McNamara, Will Albrecht, Marcus Wastadales, Ari Shalom, Keith Reeves,

Fartface. That's a good chicken figure, Fartface. Fartface, don't ever leave. I love that name. That might be one of my favorites, just fart face. You call your dog fart face? Robot. Robot. W-human. H-A-I-R. Robot with human hair. That's what it is.

Robot with human hair. Very funny. Pill Cosby's stepson, Mo Lester. No, but his stepson, Mo Lester. No, but his stepson is Mo Lester. You get it? So the whole, Phil Cosby's good. Usually when they go too long, it fucks it up. But this is Phil Cosby's stepson, Mo Lester.

Home run hall of fame, maybe number one of all time. Maybe number one of all time. My personal favorite might be fart face. Then we got Charlie Carruth, Eli Shalom, and that's it. So patreon.com slash Yanni Long Days. Go join for your weekly bonus episode and bonus content and subscribe to the channel. We appreciate you guys and we'll see you next time.