Yannis Pappas Hour - Who Dun It

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

This weeks breaking news made funner.Butcherbox https://www.butcherbox.comPromo: fumesJoin for our weekly bonus episodehttps://www.patreon.com/yannispappashour See Yannis live Dates & Cities below All tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comDC March 9-11Stamford CT April 7,8Tampa April 21-22Boston July 8 Providence Phoenix San Fran More Watch Yanni’s stand up special: https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQJoin our highlights page for highlight clips of every episode: https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwNew episodes every Friday and new bonus episodes every following Tuesday at Patreon.com/yannispappashour Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Very quickly before we start the show, live dates right now, Washington, D.C. There's a few tickets left. I'm here now, March 9th through the 11th, Arlington Draft House. Very important, Stanford, Connecticut, the all-new New York Comedy Club, April 7th and 8th. Tampa side splitters, April 21st through 22nd. Big news! July 8th, I am at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. Pre-sale is right now. It has started. Use the code YANUS.

So that's pre-sale right now. Go now. Get your discount. Code YANUS. YANUSPAPISCOMEDY.COM for all these tickets. And then Dallas, August 24th through 26 Providence, November 10th and 11th,

Phoenix, Arizona, November 16th through 18th. And more dates come in the Paramount theater in long Island is coming up. New York, the Sony theater and, um, San Francisco,

all those will be rescheduled and they're coming up. So, uh, Giannis Pappas comedy.com for tickets and tickets and patreon.com slash yannispappashour for our bonus episodes. Now enjoy this program. What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Yannis Pappas Hour. Finally, some different news. Some riots and police clashes in Atlanta. Elon Musk is on Twitter making fun of a disabled employee or former employee. Behavior befitting of the world's richest man.

Thank God he's out there. He's out there for inspiring. The pipeline in Ukraine. Who destroyed it? Was it the United States of America and Norway? According to Seymour Hersh, it was. He's an investigative journalist. But according to the United States Intelligence,

it was pro-Ukrainian groups. So was it groups or was it troops? Was it Dems or was it Repubs? Who knows? But if you want to trust Seymour Hersh, he's also the guy that dropped dimes on JFK with the book called The Dark Side of Camelot, where he ratted out all the prostitutes and hoes

that JFK took down. He took down barrels and barrels of poontang, and Seymour Hershey had to write a book about it. We didn't need to know that. Nobody needs to know that. He also says Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. So you trust him if you want. We're going to get into the world's greatest bank robber.

Bank robbers are always fun. And this guy in Utah robbed a bank of $1 because he wanted to go to federal prison. He probably had a friend who went to federal prison who was like, you know what? They served short rib on Thursday. It ain't that bad. And he's like, what are you talking about?

What's your rent? He said, my rent is zero. And it's a pretty decent sell. And his friend, this guy was probably at some point living in New York going, you know what? Might as well. Might as well live in federal prison. If you live in an apartment in New York, might as well. You're getting the same square footage and free meals.

I mean, what is the difference? You just don't have to pay Uber Eats. It's a great deal. 60 school districts in Texas are now going four days a week. I don't think it makes a difference in a lot of those school districts in Texas. I think when it comes to competing on the global scale and the global scene. I think Texas is, where is Texas? I think it's between Honduras and Chile as far as educational clout goes.

So how about just go no days? What's the difference? Seven days, nothing's going to work, all right? Just give everyone a gun and teach them to shoot and eat chickens raw. It's Texas. Don't go soft on me, Texas. Keep those kids in school. Keep them hard at work. On the farm. I want to be a rancher.

I want to be a cowboy. I've been watching Yellowstone and I want to be a cowboy. You know, in Yellowstone, there's just two girls that live in the bunkhouse. Like, that would be realistic Hollywood. You know, they were like, hey, let's get two black girls. Oh, and a black guy too. There's a black guy and two girls

who live in the bunkhouse in Montana. And they're originally from Montana on the show, Montana. Why can't we call it Mantana? Because it's a lot of men in Montana. I just don't think the Duttons would have ever let two ladies and a black guy into their bunkhouse if that show was realistic. Let's be honest.

Are there any open-minded ranchers? Is there an open-minded cowboy scene? I don't know. Jared has toured the whole country and comes back with data. So we'll hear from Jared Harvin, who toured the country and told me that there's black cowboys in Philadelphia. So we will talk about that. If you didn told me that there's black cowboys in Philadelphia. So we will talk about that. If you didn't know, there's urban cowboys in Philadelphia. And they ride horses and all that.

Adidas is losing money. This Markey senator, his name's Markey, his staff is unionizing in Senate. They're the first staff to unionize. And Tucker hates Trump. Murdoch hates Trump, says the election wasn't stolen. Republicans are yelling at Tucker. Dems are yelling at Tucker. Trump guys are praising Tucker's January 6th footage

as the most important news coverage in history. Dems are spinning their web. It is a brand new day in America. Not just the same. Not just another day. What would you say that old same? What was the saying go? Same old. Not same old. It ain't the same old in America. This is news coming out of left field. This is the first I hear of infighting. This is the first I hear of a woman losing her nose to a pitbull

that she previously loved. White women, listen. Pitbull's got it out for you, okay? Just get a choke collar and, you know, just stick with the labradoodles, okay? Okay, Cynthia? Okay, Kimberly? Stick with the labradoodles, okay? Okay, Cynthia?

Okay, Kimberly? Stick with the labradoodles because pit bulls seem to just turn on white girls all the time. And this girl lost her nose and her arm. And we will talk about it because apparently the dog got confused by her teeth whitening device, which Conor McGregor always puts in his mouth. And it's the one with the blue light that goes on it. So let's get to the news and find out exactly what's going on in this country.

And you know what that translates to. You know, what is the deal? When you all tucked up in the day been long And the news online going on and on What's right and wrong and there's something up Now here comes a great kid you know you can trust From the truth to the news and cameras To the fake politics and the propaganda Yeah, this kid's screwed in, got a lot to say Aw, shit, it's about to be a long day It's a long day, it's a long day

Listen, so if you're a white lady and you start dating a 44-year-old guy and he's got a pit bull, I assume the pit bull's 44 pounds and the guy was 44. She was a younger girl. And the pit bull bit her nose off, gave her a free nose job. Olivia Quast, she's 30 years old. And the news describes it as horrific injuries. She suffered horrific injuries to her face and arm.

Do you think the guy's going to stay with her? Do you think the guy's siding with the pit bull or siding with her? I think he might side with the pit bull and be like, well, what did you say to the pit bull? What were you doing? What do you mean, what was he doing? I was just being a human. I had my teeth whitening device in.

I go, well, why did you do that? That's going to startle. That's going to startle. Kill her. There's no way he's, would you stay with a girl after your dog bit the girl and took the nose off let's just talk honestly i would you put the dog down over the nose it's a tough decision this guy's in i'm hearing this story and as a dog owner i'm just sympathizing with this guy the decisions he has to make now decision

i just i'm a dog lover i I'm sorry. I'm just not... At this point, I'm not a white girl lover. I'm sided with the dog. You know that's what dog lovers do. We always feel bad for the dog. You see a guy on the street homeless with a dog, you're like, oh my god, that dog's got no home. Meanwhile, the guy's naked, he's bleeding on the ground, his dog

is standing by him. You're like, I wish I could take that dog home and heal that dog and let that man die frozen on the street. That's how special dogs are because white girls trump everybody, but dog trumps everything. Dog is the white girl of animals. Yes. It really is. So I'm just, I'm,

you know, Graham Sechenyan, the dog Bentley was six years old. He'd had, he had the dog for four years. old. He'd had, he had the dog for four years. So those first two years, there was some noses that maybe someone's nose got bit off and that's why he got put into a shelter

that this Armenian kid could pick him up from or a Russian kid. He recalled in an interview that she touched her face and was shocked. Oh, she recalled that she touched her face and was shocked that her nose wasn't there. Yeah, that's a weird moment. Yeah. When you feel a bite and then you go, oh, you took it off.

Yeah. Can they get it back on? Like that guy's penis when he got his penis cut off and they sewed it back on. Yeah, put it on ice immediately. Yeah, I imagine like plastic surgery is at the peak when it comes to noses. That dog might have swallowed a nose. The way my dog eats, he swallows a treat in two seconds.

He swallowed it. He's the David Blaine of dogs. He might have. No, but I don't think he did because he took another bite of the arm. So he dropped it. Oh, he might have just swallowed it whole. Oh, yeah. Just take the nose right down like a treat. Yeah. Well, she's got no nose. So let's just think of, we're guys.

So what's the guy do at this point? Does the relationship continue? I'm breaking up with her and I'm calling Michael Vick immediately. Yeah. Here's the deal. The girl's still in, right? Any girl who was friends with Bentley, loved Bentley, cuddled with Bentley, got a 44-year-old Russian mobster as her boyfriend with a rescue pit bull.

She's not one who thinks with her head. She's very overly empathetic, and she wants to help and fix guys. So she's going to stay. No nose in everything, mangled arm. She's going to want to stay with this 44-year-old guy as a 30-year-old girl. She's going to want to stay. Now, he, on the other hand, he may gaslight her for a few days, right?

And say, hey, what were you doing? You know, what happened? I think, let's look at Bentley. Oh, yeah, it was her fault. Look how cute he is. It's her fault. And let's see the nose. Well, this is pre.

Yeah, well, she had a significant nose. I mean, he turned her arm into a calzone. Yeah, so apparently she thinks that the device startled the dog, right? Yeah, the UV light. The UV light thing startled the dog. So if you're listening out there or watching,

be careful. Maybe don't put that thing in your mouth if you have a rescue in the house. Don't have dental hygiene near your your mouth if you have a rescue in the house. Don't have dental hygiene near your pit bulls. Now, here's the guy. Look, the guy's by her side. Let's see. Oh, no.

Who's that? Is that the guy? I hope it ain't. Yeah, I mean, that either looks like her strung out mother or the guy. Yeah. Or like a relative with cancer. You can't tell. I can't tell.

But by his hand, I think it's a guy. And he's sticking by her side right now. That was what she looked like with her old nose, right? Yeah. Yeah, and her with the dog. That old nose looks fake, though, too. Looks like it's glued to her eyes. Yeah.

See how it's so close to her eye? So what do you think the guy's going to do? Is he going to stay with her with no nose? Can you bang a girl with no nose? I could do the arm. The nose is tough. The nose is tough, right? Yeah, the arm, you know, you can maybe do.

All right, Pete Patrice. But listen, you can just, you can fart and stuff. No prob. You can shit with the door open. That's a nice thing. Yeah. You know what I would do? If I had a girlfriend with no nose,

I would use that little cavity as just a... Fuck it. No, no. You fuck it. I would use that little cavity as just a... Fuck it. No. No. You fuck it. I would use it as a change holder. Yeah, this girl's... It's tough. I don't know if there's

any groups for people who lose their nose. It's a very rare thing to lose your full nose. I think they have meetings, but I never land. Yeah. I mean, you know, I don't know. I think they have meetings, but never land. I don't know. For trauma therapy, she just needs to do some EDMR. Dogs are going to be tough to pet for a little while.

This guy, here's the guy with the pit bull. What happened to the dog? Did they put the dog down, or is he just defending the dog? I think the dog is still alive. She needs reconstructive surgery. So they're going to try to create a new nose using cartilage from her ear. Oh, that's going to be weird.

Yeah. Keep scrolling down. Let's find out what happened to the dog. Oh, God. She's going to sneeze. You're not going to know if it's snot or wax. The woman dislocates her joints. Bentley was humanely euthanized

After treating the dog to a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich And letting it play with stuffed animals While listening to classical music See, that made me sad It made me sad that it violently assaulted a woman And I'm still sad about the dog That's really a sad image Why do I care more about the dog than this girl's nose?

He went out with the bacon, egg, and cheese, though, dog. Yeah, last meal. Yeah, he did, and he didn't know it was coming. They put him down like Lannion of Mice of Men. Yeah. They said, Bentley, it's okay, boy. And then they put on Beethoven for him. Why did they treat him like an 80-year-old man with a terminal disease?

Just imagine a whole field of nostrils. Is it going to be nice, Dan George? They put him down humanely. They just, nice little injection. Yeah. What you do is you trick him with a little peanut butter. Dog, you could put your finger in a dog's ass if you put a little peanut butter. You stick peanut butter in front of his nose, you could stick anything in its butt.

It would not, no. Should have told that to Whitney. Right. When we had a dog fight in her house. Well, rest in peace, Bentley. I'm sad. I think this article is more about the loss of a good boy. I know a lot of people listening to this are going to feel bad.

Let me read that again. So, you know, Bentley was humanely euthanized after being treated to a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, letting it play with a stuffed animal while listening to classical music. Now, do you think when they put it down, he was there, obviously. Do you think it was tough? Like, he wanted to cry, he felt bad, but he knew she was watching, so he was, like, holding it in, you know? Because he's torn dude

That's They've been together four years I mean this This hoe just came into his life You know Why did they put the dog down? Maybe the dog just Didn't like her personally

Doesn't mean he's gonna bite other people Or maybe put the dog in prison For a year or two for assault. Not a big deal. Why do you got to put him down? Yeah. You know, what's the difference when a guy assaults, how come when a guy assaults somebody, they put him in prison,

but when a dog assaults someone, they put him in jail? I mean, they put him in prison. Why don't they put him in prison? Why do they put him down? There should be a dog prison they put him in. Since their lives are shorter, he should do the equivalent, you know, what would be seven years for a man. It's like four days for the dog.

You put the dog, you rehab the dog, you know. The dog joins either the neo-Nazis or the cult of Islam, dependent, you know what I mean, brotherhood of Islam, depend on what is racist to survive in dog jail, and that's it. Yeah. So the German shepherds, we know where they're going. We know where the Dobermans are going. We know where the Dobermans are going.

We know where the labs are going. We know where the chihuahuas are going. We know where the chihuahuas are going. They're going to the MS-13, the Mexican gangs.

Yeah. You know? And you tell me where the pit bulls are going. Yeah. No matter what, the dog's got to spend a couple days on the yard. A couple days on the yard. Rest in peace, Bentley, and goodbye, nose.

White woman really reigns supreme. It was a dog with a name like Bentley. It was a white dog. So they just trumped out race and dogs. Yeah. White woman really run the world, bro. Well, what do you mean? I think the dog, so what are you saying?

The white women, how is she ruling here? She's got no nose. She's got no arms. She should have been the one put down. Right. Yeah. I'm saying, like, she provoked the dog with this fucking laser. But the dog was the one that still got put down,

which means that there's still value. White women are still viewed as the top of the hierarchy. Yeah. I mean, look at, she was really close. She was really friendly with the dog. Look, she's a nice looking girl. Maybe they'll be able to reconstruct something nice for her. They'll do some good work on her.

Yeah. But again, you know, it's never the dog's fault. It's the owner's. You know, it's funny how some people are just like that, and you're like, hey, I don't know. This guy, I don't know. They're like, so what were these owners like? Well, she liked to whiten her teeth once in a while.

Is that bad? Is that a bad thing? Is that a bad dog owner? Should she have read Cesar Millan's book before she whitened her teeth so she didn't get mauled by a godforsaken demon pit bull. They're not all bad. But some of them are. Some dogs are just bad

like people. Some people are just bad. Yep. When you come from a family of cops, I'm sure your dad just told you some people are bad, right?

Yeah. Some people are bad. Gotta pay attention to people. People say certain things. You should get out. If someone is in an argument and they say, I'm going to be right back in that tone of voice, don't be there when they get back.

Look, some people are just bad. I was talking to my neighbor who's a cop, and he was telling me some of the things he's seen. He goes, yeah, he's like, a lot of people, they just don't understand what's out there in the world. They form their opinions based on what they don't know. He's like, you know, there's stuff out there in the world. And they form their opinions based on, like, what they don't know. He's like, you know, there's stuff out there

that a lot of people wouldn't be able to handle seeing. He's like, I can't handle it, so imagine that they can. It's an ugly world out there, you know? And some people can't be rehabilitated. But dogs don't know any better. So putting him down, I don't think is the answer. Dog prison, dog yard, rehabilitate this guy. It's not his fault.

Rest in peace, good boy Bentley. All right. So let's find out about this guy who robbed a bank for $1 in Utah. That's a fun story. Almost as fun as a girl losing her nose over a pimple attack. So this guy in Utah, he went to a bank and he robbed it of $1. Four quarters. He sits down and waits to be arrested.

So the suspect politely demanded $1 from the teller, then waited in the lobby for officers to arrive because he wanted to go to prison. Donald Matthew St. Croce, he's a 65-year-old, was booked in Salt Lake. You know you live in a really safe, low-crime place and you know your prisons might be nice if the dude is just trying to go there.

I mean, what's he getting away from, man? Well, he's 65. It's a retirement home for him. It's a free retirement home. He gets meals made for him. And he's in Salt Lake. He's not in Baltimore. My God, this is a brilliant idea

For people who Become seniors If you can't If you and your family Can't afford a nursing home And You know You want a social life

You go to prison for free man You can go to prison I mean 65 year old prison They don't put him with the gens right They put him in like a senior prison. I mean, 65-year-old prison, they don't put him with the gens, right? They put him in like a senior prison. Man, I bet you they, you know.

Probably, yeah. And if you're gay, just go in. You know? For a gay old guy, I think that's a perfect decision. You save a lot of money on old folks' home.

You could just claim he's trans and go stay with the women. Or he could stay with the women and go trans. And also, look, he robbed $1. So, hopefully they give him what? Seven years? He's 65? Maybe 10? You know, he robbed $1. So, hopefully they give him what? Seven years?

He's 65? Maybe 10? You know, he feels like he's gonna, he's not gonna be healthy and he's gonna eat Sloppy Joe's every day. I imagine Sloppy Joe's

is a big treat in prison. Yeah. You know, they don't do, what do they do? It's like slop, right? Yeah. It's high school food.

It's high school food. Yeah. So, God, the thought of going to prison is really scary, isn't it? Like, imagine someone framed you and you had to go to prison. Scary.

That's scary. What's worse, going to prison or going to hell? Which would you rather go to? Prison. Really? You'd rather go to prison than hell? Hell doesn't exist. Good point.

But if it did exist exist which would you choose prison why because it's not for an eternity yeah yeah plus they got they got they do have recess in prison i don't know if the devil goes okay one hour for basketball oh man so this is really funny. He said, please give me a dollar. So he said, please. Very Mormon-like. And then he said, thank you.

He wrote in a note. He handed it to the Wells Fargo teller. When the teller gave the man a dollar and asked him to leave, he told the teller to call the police. How can you arrest this guy? This is, you should have, you know what he should have got arrested for is misappropriation of taxpayers' funds. You can't arrest him for the crime.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he asked for the dollar and she gave it. He didn't even threaten her. So it's more of a gift. That's not a crime. And so what's the story here? If we scroll down,

did they tell us what he wants? The man took the money and refused to leave the bank. Oh, man. Donald sat down in the bank lobby and waited for police to arrive. So he was basically sitting next to a guy who was like, what are you here for?

He's like, I'm here to talk about getting a loan. He's like, what are you here for? He's like, I was here to rob a dollar, and now I'm waiting for the cops to arrest me. Are you online? No, I'm just waiting for the cops to arrest me. It's a good bank, right? Yeah, no, good bank.

I just robbed him of a dollar. Oh, man. Is there any reason he gave? He wanted to get arrested and go to federal prison. He stated if he got out of jail, he will rob another bank and ask for more money next time, trying to get the desired result of going to federal prison. Who the fuck told him about the dinners in federal prison? And why can't we let this guy achieve his dream?

This is America where all things are possible. Some people dream of being famous. Some people dream of selling out shows. Some people dream of being professional basketball players or winning the World Series. And some people dream about growing up and going to federal prison.

This is this guy's dream, dog. He's going to make a video of him crying like Schultz did when he sold that Radio City Music Hall. There'll be a video of Donald crying when he goes into federal prison. He'll have his content maker make it and be like, yo, finally, I did it. It's his dream since a little boy.

No other information is needed because you know what? I don't know how much more you can understand the motives of someone who's trying to go to federal prison. I think we broke it down. He's going to a free retirement home. You know? That'd be great. Or how about this?

Think about this. This is a good one. What if he like murdered someone and he's like alright like I'm gonna get caught for this I don't want to be

in like maximum security let me go rob a bank of a dollar he gets out ahead of it he gets out ahead of it he M&M's it and 8 miles it next thing you know

they stop the guy's already in prison he's locked they're like who did this he's like I'm already in federal prison it couldn't have been me and the guy's got a suite you know he's like, I'm already in federal prison. It couldn't have been me.

And the guy's got a suite. He's basically staying in a tennis suite. Yeah. Yeah. Over murder. It's perfect. Smart. He goes seven years, he gets out, then he goes and puts air in his tire. Exactly. What's that mean? Because he has like quarters. So he has four quarters. Oh, from his dollar.

So he goes to the gas station and puts air in his tire. So he holds on to that dollar? Yeah. You think they let him? Here's the thing. When you take a dollar, do you think they even remember to ask for it back? No. You think they probably do? I was like, oh, yeah, fuck, I forgot. Can you give me that dollar back? Or do you think the cops are like, hey, man, just,

you want me to get you soda or something for it? You know they constantly go to the machine and get them a soda when they're talking to them? It's like, yeah, man, I don't have a – do you have a dollar on you? What if he's like, I did have a dollar until you guys took it. So, yeah, I wouldn't – I love that you guys are paying for it, but I would have been able to pay for it if you just let me keep my goddamn soda. You know, my dollar, I just – I needed a Hawaiian punch.

You guys could have kept a quarter. 75 cents. You know that – you know those vending machines in Utah are 75 cents. So You guys could have kept a quarter. 75 cents. You know those vending machines in Utah are 75 cents. So the cops could have made a quarter because he would have tipped them a quarter for going to get a Hawaiian punch. Where's Hawaiian punch been? You notice that?

Hawaiian punch is on the decline. It's been in Faison Love's bloodstream. Yeah. Why, has he got diabetes or something? Yeah, I mean, it's red sugar water. Yeah, that's all it is. But Hawaiian Punch, you don't see it. You don't even see it in vending machines anymore.

Hawaiian Punch is kind of like, it's going the way of the wolf. It's extinct. You know? Wolves are extinct. They're going extinct. So is Hawaiian Punch. Wasn't Hawaiian Punch the guy who used to crash through the wall? No, it was Kool-Aid. Oh're going extinct. You know. So is Hawaiian Punch. Wasn't Hawaiian Punch the guy who used to crash through the wall?

No, it was Kool-Aid. Oh, Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid's still around, right? Yeah. Yeah. Look, I just got concerned. Like there was missing fruit drink. It's like, what happened to Hawaiian Punch?

Next you're going to ask about Capri Sun. Do you know how poison that shit is? It's pure sugar. Oh, God. It's so bad for you. Oh, my God. Go get a smoothie. Smoothies are the best.

Yeah, why aren't there affordable smoothie shops? Why are they trying to trick us that fucking Kiwis cost $20 to procure? Why is that? Why is a dead chicken, like, why is protein a dollar?

Right? Why is that? Is it because you can freeze it? You can freeze berries, too. No, it's because if you eat healthier, you live longer. Why is there no smoothie, like, spot that is like McDonald's? You know? Don't they have one, but it's still like nine bucks for a smoothie?

It's like a tropical smoothie, yeah. Yeah, I mean, isn't that crazy? You can get a burger for a buck, but if you want a smoothie, you got to pay like 13 bucks. It's backwards, yeah. Yeah, I mean, isn't that crazy? You can get a burger for a buck, but if you want a smoothie, you got to pay like 13 bucks. It's backwards, man. Justice. I want food justice. It would really convince people to eat healthier, though,

if you could get a smoothie cheaper. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's so many things to run on. Here's how you know elections are not about democracy, right? It's more about like a political structure that puts you in power and the party and business agendas. Because any of us could get elected if we wanted to,

if it was truly about like policy, right? Because I would just go, hey man, three-day work week, 10 hours. Hand job's completely legal. Completely legal. Smoothies are now $4. It's a limit. That's all it is. Everything's healthy.

Your rent, you know what? The rent's too damn high. We'll pay it. I'm elected. Now, it won't work out, but I'll easily get elected, right? If I just went in and just said, hey, free candy for everybody. You'll never have to buy candy again. Or, you know, I'll go to certain Long Island, whatever you, what's the big thing in Long Island? Just give them what they want. Mozzarella sticks half price forever. You know?

Cul-de-sacs will become, you know, part of it. They'll do a national monument to cul-de-sacs and malls. It'll now be called a mall. They'll be like, we'll vote for that guy. You know? Free burgers. You're in. So that's how you know right there it's not a democracy.

Because you can just give people, you can bribe people and get in. You know? So don't ever think that this place is for the people. It's not. Because if it was for the people, handjobs would definitely be legalized. For sure. Guys, we're brought to you by Butcher Box, my favorite go-to for what we cook in my house,

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And get free gluten-free chicken nuggets every order. Every order for a year, plus 10% off your first box. ButcherBox.com slash fumes, promo code fumes. Speaking of legal and illegal, this pipeline situation in Ukraine, right? Seymour Hersh has come out. He's an investigative journalist. Like I said, he's this guy who dropped down on JFK and said that JFK had hooker pool parties at the White House.

The book is called The Dark Side of Kamala. Could you be anything else but a journalist with a name like Seymour Hersh? No, that's a real journalist name, Seymour Hersh. Seymour Hersh is a very, you can't be a catcher with a name Seymour Hersh. Yeah, you're not going to hear with the first pick of the NBA draft in New York, Nick Select, Seymour Hersh. Yeah. Seymour Hersh is a very, you can't be a catcher with the name Seymour Hersh. Yeah, you're not going to hear with the first pick of the NBA draft

in the New York Knicks select Seymour Hersh. Seymour Hersh. Isn't it weird, baseball names? Yep. Dusty Baker. Could you imagine, what is Dusty, how about Wade Boggs? Where do these names come from?

Yeah. Don Mattingly. I don't know any guys named Don. Do you know any guys named Dusty? No. Have you ever met anyone with the last name Baker? Have you ever met anyone named Boggs? Or Wade? How about Kirby Puckett?

Dave Winfield? They're like just these crazy baseball names. Rick Cerrone? Have you ever met a guy with the last name Cerrone? Made for baseball. Not for accounting, though. Yeah. How about some ones now? What do we got now? What are some good baseball names? How about Dwight Gooden? That's a baseball name.

Say what? We've done Chipper Jones, but that's not his real name. Yeah. Craig Nettles. Do you know any Craigs? Mookie Betts. Mookie Betts. Yeah. I mean, Mookie Wilson. Steve Sachs. Steve Sachs.

Mike Trout. Mike Trout. These are baseball names. It's weird. Aaron Judge. Aaron Judge. It's almost like they were destined to be baseball players. And Seymour Hersh.

Yeah, you'd never hear a guy come into the first basement, Seymour Hersh. He would be a journalist name. First baseman Seymour Hersh. It would be a journalist name. So the Nord Stream pipeline that carries natural grass from Russia to Germany was damaged last December. Officials were quick to suggest Russia had bombed its own pipelines, but according to new intelligence reports, America said it was pro-Ukrainian groups,

and then Seymour Hersh said he has some sources that it was the U.S. Navy that carried out the sabotage with help from Norway, citing a source with direct knowledge of the operational planning. He wrote on his Substack blog that planning for the mission began in 2021. The White House and Norwegian government

had since denied the claim. Hearst joins for an in-depth interview. The fear was Europe would walk away from the war, he says. All right, so he's a Pulitzer Prize winner in 1970 for his reporting on the My Lai Massacre in Vietnam. He also reported on CIA spying on anti-war activists during the Vietnam War, and that led to the formation of the church committee.

I know Seymour Hersh. He was one of my friends who became a journalist in school and I took him under his wing. He's a famous journalist. He don't really fucking, he don't really do stuff that's not true. That's his reputation. So this is big, right?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. If the U.S. and Norway did it, so what, man? I don't know. What do you want me to do? What are we supposed to do? You know? I mean, what good is this to us if we can't make podcast content about it?

So, look, a girl lost her nose. Is that tragic? Yes, but I was able to make it into podcast content. Ukraine has been done. We've used it for all of the podcast content possible. This pipeline, although very important to the geopolitical picture, just doesn't have enough juice in it for a podcast.

There's no funny spin. There's no cool take. It was either the United States and Norway, or it was some pro-Ukrainian group. Who gives a flying damn? Who cares? One way or the other. Is this supposed to make me mad as an American?

That's what you do at war, right? You do little stuff like that. But the scary thing is America's getting involved, right? Yeah. I mean, a guy like Seymour Hersh might want to think about, like, if he does have this as a source, you might want to think about, like, maybe just letting this one slide. Or, you know, yeah. You don't want to give Russia like if he does have this as a source you might want to think about like maybe just letting this one slide or you know yeah you don't want to give russia any reason to

be like oh you're in this or you quote write this article with steven a smith or something like that let's see if a smith get in there yeah or like you know skip bayless but like yo the pipeline was destroyed and it's because of lebron james just a nice left turn yeah into sports would have been nice is what you're saying. In his speech, the president called the pipeline attacks a deliberate act of sabotage. Now the Russians are pumping out misinformation and lies about it. Should we take that to mean that the U.S. now believes

Russia was likely responsible for this act of sabotage? Oh, this is the interview. Well, first, Russia has done what it frequently does when it takes responsibility for something, which is make its accusations that it was really someone else who did it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right, so that's on NPR.

They're obviously blaming the pro, either Russia for doing it or pro-Ukrainian. Because I heard the last thing was, the intelligence was that it was some pro-Ukrainian group or whatever that damaged the pipeline. Who knows? Well, first of all, this is what he says, Seymour Hersh. I think the reporting really can be described

as a friend of mine did. What I did was really document the obvious. I mean, you have to hear what the president said, but of course, there were secret plans that I'm writing about, and they include, there was a committee set up. Jake Sullivan was directly involved. He was a national security advisor.

Still, they set up a team to look at the options about how to put pressure on the Russian government to back off. Is he just trying to sell his sub stack, though, now? You know? But he's not the type. He usually gets a source, and he also protects his sources always. So this would be great. This could be like the beginning of a world war here,

which is always hilarious. What if they all did it? What if they all did it? You know? Oh, the Russians. What if it was the Russians, a pro-Ukrainian group, and the U.S. and Norway? Yeah. Yeah. What if it was all of them? Like, the Russians. What if it was the Russians, a pro-Ukrainian group, and the U.S. and Norway?

Yeah. Yeah. What if it was all of them? Like a team effort. Yeah, just fucking blame it on Andrew Tate and call it a day. Just call it. You got him in prison already. Blame it on Andrew Tate.

Mm-hmm. Right? Or you could just blame it on Antifa infiltrators, which is what we got going on right now. So this is a big report. I bet you a lot of Republican group chats got lit up after Tucker's footage of some Capitol Hill police escorting the fucking guy with the horns, right?

Through the Capitol. Yeah. Right? Now, Jesse, you always tune in at 8 o'clock with your soup. You think older country Republicans have a nice cup of soup when they watch Tucker? Yep. So when you get your nice, warm, hot bowl of soup

and you sit down for Tucker, what happened? soup and you sit down for Tucker. What happened? The January six footage shows this cop bringing the QAnon shaman. We all know who that guy is. He was the star of the show. He was escorted in by a cop, right? At some point.

And so what are they claiming? So he's saying virtually every moment of his time inside the Capitol was cut on tape. He was granted exclusive access by housekeeper Kevin McCarthy to 40,000. Tucker got all this footage. The tapes show the Capitol Police never stopped him. They helped him. They acted as his tour guide.

Yeah, they're right there with him. Yeah, I mean, well, he doesn't pose a threat, right? I mean, look at him. True. I mean, but they're in there. I mean, what are they going to do? He's in there, but also, what do you want people to do

with a dude that looks like a woolly mammoth? Yeah, well, I don't know, man. Like, what does this prove? I mean, I don't know. Does? He's in there. But also, what do you want people to do with a dude that looks like a woolly mammoth? Yeah, well, I don't know, man. Like, what does this prove? I mean, I don't know. Does this Antifa? Was this set up? Yes, it was. Let's go with that.

It was set up. This was a set up. The officers are walking chansley past seven other police officers milling around. Or is it just a cherry-p that I don't, you know, but I don't know. And then, so now the Republicans are mad. The Republicans are mad at Tucker for this coverage.

The Dems are mad at Tucker for this coverage. Somebody leaked audio of Tucker saying how much he hates Donald Trump and how he can't wait to not cover him anymore. And he hates him. Hopefully he'll go away. And then there's someone else leaked or whatever, or it was found out that Rupert Murdoch, who runs Fox, said that the election wasn't stolen.

And also Rupert Murdoch, I think was a little, thought a lot of newscasters went a little too far in their coverage. So maybe someone is trying to send a message to Tucker Carlson that he might have gone too far. He said in a text message he passionately hated Donald Trump. So Fox News denies defamation, says on-air comments were taken out of context.

We are very, very close to being able to ignore trump most nights tucker said in a text i truly can't wait uh i hate him passionately yeah i mean i'm sure he does sure he does hate him passionately either that or he's talking about alec ball with trump on snl yeah i could have been talking about that that's the way he can defend himself and say that's what I was talking about does anyone really care about the pipeline who sabotaged it or whether

the QAnon shaman was escorted in by Capitol Police or not you can't go back and care about things from the past in the news cycle. Yeah, you can't. Does anyone care? What does it mean? Does this mean that Trump people are right?

It's a setup? Kind of does, right? Well, whatever it means is it means that you're not getting... You're not getting the full story. You're not getting the full story. Exactly. We're not getting the full story. Do we want the full story? Absolutely not.

Because if you get the full story, what can we make content about? Nothing. You have to be able to speculate. There's got to be one narrative so then you can speculate against it. You can't get the full story because then there's nothing to add. But, you know, if there's something to add, that's good for Tucker. It's good for me.

It's good for all of us to have something to add. It's all about angles. Yeah. All about the angles, really. Yeah. So Rupert Murdoch acknowledged some of his network stars endorsed false claims. No biggie.

Whoopsie. I acknowledge it. What do you want me to do? I mean, here's the thing, right? There came a time where we stopped calling professional wrestling a sport, and they started calling it an entertainment company when they got honest, right? So they go, they call the WWE an entertainment company.

Is there a time where we could now stop calling them news anchors? You know? Yeah. Like when he said a few of our news anchors went a little far. Well then, doesn't that statement, isn't that statement like an oxymoron? Like you're no longer reporting the news.

Can't we just say a few of our personalities, a few of our pundits? A few of our tea spillers. A few of our tea spillers. are carefully hired quaff, gif of gab, bullshitters. Robotic engines. Went a little too far.

I mean, I think calling them news anchors at this point is really not accurate. Yeah, they're no better than the mechanical band and the chunky cheese. Yeah, and listen, man, I just don't know if you can trust a journalist who's asking you to pay for his story on his personal page.

That's the tough part. That's the, you know, like, for entertainment, I get it. You know? You talking about Hirsch? Just like when a journalist goes, hey, come to my page for the real scoop. Right.

Yeah, but then a lot of these guys aren't able to report on mainstream networks anymore. They used to be able to do that, though. Yeah. Because mainstream outlets would want to know this story. Remember? That's where we got a lot of our scoops. That's where we found out about the Gulf of Tonk,

and we found out about all this stuff. It was, you know, the news agencies Were kind of a little more Working for the subscribers The people, and it was like an agency Now these guys are all, you know They're all out for the They don't have guaranteed salaries So it's like they gotta get the subscribers

But Eastside has a narrative too So if you're not in on that narrative They're not gonna want to talk to you, right to you right yeah yeah yeah i don't know man like the citizen journalism comes with pros and cons yeah just like the regular journalism comes with pros and cons mainstream media is not going to want to interview seymour hirsch because he's talking about biden doing something right right and you can't do that that's why you're saying you need a guy like Seymour Hersh. Right. And he needs to be on Substack.

Yeah. And then, but also like, we also may need to have him quiet because we don't want this to cause a problem. Exactly. It's a very complicated thing.

I can see all the, I can see all the positions. I can see everyone's position. Like Biden should just call him up and be like, look dude, of course we fucking blew it up. But like's here's 50 000 all right i i subscribed to your fucking sub stack 50 000 times can you shut the fuck up like it's a little you what do you want us to do

okay we're trying to take this guy down shut the fuck up guy Can't you just do that too? You know? And then just, you know, maybe you just... But then you're... There's no separation of press. And yeah, it's so messy, right? Yeah. I mean, you got to get messy to keep the news real though. So that's why, you know,

he has to promote people to come to his sub stack. Yeah. That's the only way he can survive. Yeah. Joe Biden be a subscriber. I wish I knew more about this story and the motive so I could have an opinion on what exactly happened. I know nothing about why it would benefit anyone for this to be damaged. The only people it would hurt Germany.

Right. The pipeline goes to Germany. Hurt Europe. It would hurt Russia, too. it would hurt Germany, right? The pipeline goes to Germany. It hurt Europe. It would hurt Russia, too. It would hurt Russia. So it had to be pro-Ukrainian. It had to be pro-Ukrainian. That makes the most sense.

And United States and Norway doesn't really make sense unless you're talking about cruise ships. Well, no, because it hurts Russia, so it does make sense. And it also squeezes the other guys to get a little look elsewhere, right? Plus, guess who makes a lot of natural gas? Me after I eat certain things? Who? We do.

We make a lot of natural gas in Alaska, right? Where is it? In the United States. By fracking? And guess who now gets that natural gas? We do. Germany. Germany. Germany.

And what did the pipeline do? Took away the money from us. No. Took away Russia's natural gas going to Germany. So... We filled that void. Yeah. Okay, so...

Fuck around and find out. Germany doubles up with us. You see, you put it on a fuck around scale. And you put it... Fuck around to seven. See, that's what, you know, maybe Putin made a mistake. You'd be like, hey man, you should have stayed quiet and just took your gas money.

And now, but now you fucked around. Now we're taking, not only we're fucking your shit up by sending weapons, we're also taking your fucking loot. Yeah, that seems like a strategic position too, to be like, let's get them off the Russian teat, and so then we can starve Russia out. And we do war pretty good. We still do war pretty good.

We're strategic. Yeah. So you think that's what happened? Yeah. Where's our natural gas? Where is it? Right here. Do we have, like like big reserves somewhere?

I thought we get our gas from Canada. From Quebec. I think we have an abundance of natural gas here. We do? Mm-hmm. So how are we sending it over? We helicopter it over? We drone it over by Amazon?

How does it get there? How does it get to Germany now? Liquified natural gas. They liquefy it. They put it in cargo ships and they send it over. Oh, that's it. So natural gas is different from oil. Yeah. So what is natural gas. They liquefy it, they put it in cargo ships, and they send it over. Oh, that's it. So natural gas is different from oil. Yeah.

So what is natural gas for? For energy. Oh. I'm stupid with this. Yeah, I didn't know the difference. Yeah, I always just think wars are about religions. I really believe that. I always believe the wars.

You know what's funny is the wars are always about, hey really believe that... I always believe the wars... You know what's funny? The wars are always about, hey, these people hated these people. You're like, something else is going on here, man. Something else is going on here, man. But there is that perspective that the war happened

because these two people hated each other. You're going like, something else is going on here, man. It's a deeper bag. It's like a Quentin Tarantino. Yeah. Nobody fucking goes to war

just because they don't like other people. There's money to be made somehow, you know, or resources or land and that land is arable and they could make money. People love fucking money. They love it.

They'll do anything for it. So that Putin, Putin went into Ukraine probably for money. They love it. They'll do anything for it. So, that Putin, Putin went into Ukraine probably for money, right? He wants more money. And he's already

the richest man in the world. He wants more for Ukraine, for Russia. And we're doing this because now we get more money. But if he wouldn't have done that, I don't think we would have done,

we wouldn't have been, we wouldn't have had any right to do anything. You know, I don't think we would have done, we wouldn't have had any right to do anything. You know? I don't know. I hope those boys over there can come up with a nice resolution. Just a nice resolution.

Sit down and talk it out. Can we get like a therapist or counselor in on this? Just talk it out. Put them on either side of Bill Maher. One Ukrainian representative from Russia should figure it out. Take him to Camp David. That has always worked.

Some things just ain't gonna work, man. You know? You know what happens? I was talking to this kid yesterday. He was a 19-year-old kid from Syria. And he said the war in Syria is kind of like over. And he said it's like millions of people died. I was like, why did it end?

He goes, like the guy that they wanted to oust, the president that they wanted to oust who wanted to stay past his due is still there. So basically the war was for nothing. And he goes, the war just ended when people just got tired of the murder. Like there's just so many people dead. People are like, we can this anymore like i'm not like we feel bad it's like i think people get tired from killing like i can't kill anymore it's just like i think it loses its luster

like two too many nights of steak in a row yeah yeah and i think that some places you just got to let the blood you got to let them bleed out right like i don't know if there's a solution for russia ukraine you got to let them bleed out there's not you just got to let the blood, you got to let them bleed out, right? Like, I don't know if there's a solution for Russia-Ukraine. You got to let them bleed out. There's not. You just got to wait until they get arthritis from cocking back the AK-47. That's what it is. You got to let them, until they get tired of fucking shooting, man. Because I'll tell you what, we're tired of talking about it.

I'm tired of talking about it. There's no other angles, you know? There's nothing else to say. And no matter what, I'm losing more money because we keep on giving money to Ukraine, so. All I know is the Democrats support the Ukraine, the Republicans support Russia. That's all I know, essentially. And I feel like Zelensky is siphoning money from the United States the same way a pastor siphons money from the church. He's Creflo Dollar.

Yeah. Perhaps. Pretty soon you're going to see Zelensky with Louis Vuitton grenades. Yeah. I just don't, I don't know. But, you know, NATO's also, people always just point the finger at the United States

like NATO's not a thing and that the European Union is not a thing. They're all involved in this shit. There are other people here too. Yeah, people are, like when you listen

to the right wing pundits, they're always like, I'm fucking, it's like, dude, we're all over there. They're all over there. Everyone's over there. You know,

not over in the war, but everyone's against Russia everyone in Europe is against Russia more than we are because they're right on the fucking border so yell at them a little bit

why are you always yelling at fucking us because we're the biggest ones yeah you're free here to yell at us which is good yeah which is good

so good luck Adidas for the first time in three decades has lost money because of the split with Ye so now it's either just Stan Smiths or Rod Lavers

that's all they got man Adidas has really fallen off you know and the Ye's was kind of for me they were like I don't know I felt You know? And the Yeez was kind of, for me, they were like, I don't know. I felt catfished by the Yeez. I didn't feel like they were good looking.

They're one pair that were all right. But the other ones, I don't know. Where is Kanye? What's he up to? Jackson Pollock of shoes. Yeah, I didn't really. You're kind of looking at him going like, really? Are they dope?

Did he like make these and sneeze at the same time? Yeah. They just didn't. I don't know how dope they were. Kanye, right now, he's worried about the one thing that he predicted would happen with his daughter. He said he wouldn't let his daughter on TikTok. And now his daughter is dancing with I-Spice on TikTok now. Oh, I saw that.

Dressing up to be I-Spice. Basically, you know, commodifying. And, you know, Kanye said, I won't let Disney use my daughter. Well, too late on that, dog. Yeah. Well, I think Biden is pushing now to get it banned. And I think it's going through the Senate. That's good because the only pushing he does is on the toilet.

That's right. So I think it just could be banned. I think we may be looking at the end of TikTok. Get it out of here. Yeah. I'm sick of seeing girls just twerking and me sit down and write a two-minute sketch and it could do two views.

Yeah. Yeah, it's rough. It's real rough. It's real rough. I mean, I got real talent, dog, and all she has to do is show her cleavage, and she's in. Here's the thing, though.

TikTok is just a fucking bouncer at a bar. Dude, for them to be banning it, they must know something about what TikTok's doing. They got something they're going oh wow tiktok is or do you think they just want to get rid of the chinese competition no they're deep in our pockets they do want to get rid of the chinese competition because you know china you know russia probably colluding a little bit but they're deep in our pockets and it's like all right get out of my pocket on yeah you mean they're in our browser and shit yeah yeah they

got too much data and then with all this building up of World War 3 You don't want them to pair up with Russia So you're like alright let me back away from that You know Let me stay away from it It's like when your boy breaks up with his girl And she like slides in your DMs Yeah

Well TikTok's gonna be going away soon That'll be good for Instagram There'll be a lot of kids back working at Panera Bread Five Guys there'll be a lot of those girls, those teenagers making big money they'll go back to Five Guys

yeah, the service will be better because they won't be wasting time dancing yeah, so it's actually White House is backing the bipartisan bill that could be used to ban TikTok it's called the Restrict Act calling it a systematic framework for addressing technology-based Actually, White House is backing the bipartisan bill that could be used to ban TikTok. It's called the Restrict Act, calling it a systematic framework for addressing technology-based threats to the security and safety of America.

Dude, they do know something. They know. Endorse the Restrict Act. Yeah. Doesn't cite TikTok by name. The senator has introduced a repeatedly touched on fears of TikTok, a social video app

owned by the Chinese company ByteDance. That's widely popular around the world. Gives Beijing a steady stream of information about its users. Of course it does. But what are they going to do with it? What are they going to do? You think Beijing's fucking interested

in some twins twerking? Do they care? No, yeah. I think they're just trying to rot our brains. Either that or they're trying to make a Dance Dance Revolution 5. Yeah, you know what it is? It's this 4U algorithm has really, I think, turned everyone's mind into mush. Oh, yeah.

The 4U algorithm, and that started with TikTok, and so now it's everywhere. It's on Instagram's on twitter it's on youtube and you're seeing stuff you don't want to see necessarily my twitter back yeah to who i follow it's so much better yeah it's like the for you algorithm makes you gives you anxiety the for you algorithm is terrible dude i've seen shit like violence and fucking horrible shit that you can't unsee you can't unsee man it just shows you stuff and that's what tiktok did and they hooked everyone it's the hair on tiktok that for you algorithm is hair on yeah i mean like i don't think bite dance you know didn't collude with the chinese government and they didn't do tests to find out what it does to you there's a reason why they don't let it in China, but they let it in the United States, you know?

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The farrier your girl uses, or you use, is likely to be clinically retarded. I don't know if you want that in the ad, but I'm putting it in. Your work, that's what she wrote. You work hard for your money. All right, we got to get to what this is. If you're in the net, here we go.

So why give us some half-wit inbred loser who will ensure your horse stays unrideable and uncomfortable for years to come? You need a farrier with no fumes and over a decade of in-depth experience keeping those sport horses sound and performing at their best. and a horse girlfriend without horse problems, call or text Sam Farrier Service, 864-200-9007 or visit sporthorsefarrier.com, F-A-R-R-I-E-R.com for more info. Okay, so you need a farrier with no fumes. Essentially, and let me tell you something, Sam Gubata's got no fumes. She's a nice-looking lady. So call her up at 864-200-9007 if you're in Nashville.

And you need a farrier with no fumes for your fucking horse. Yeah, you don't want no retarded horse. You want no retarded horse or no retarded farrier. Because over there, they're fully functional mentally. We'll learn more about her. Guys, if you sign up for this new stuff try to keep it within three paragraphs we got another one here that's four paragraphs

alright who's this we got another new one this kid oh we got a kid from Bay Ridge he's been a big fan since White Sean the Bay Ridge boys he went to school in New York anyway he was broke most of his life Sean, the Bay Ridge boys. He went to school in New York. Anyway,

he was broke most of his life. Never knew this day would come. Oh, he's a small business sponsor. We're happy to have you. Oh, wow. This is nice. I like stuff like this. This kid wrote a graphic novel series called... Guys, this is the Patreon. It's not an acceptance speech at the Oscars.

Yeah, I mean, this guy's really... All these three new ones, I mean, they really wrote long ones. But let's support this guy, guys. He wrote a graphic novel series called The City. It's about an aging crime lord and his fall from grace set in a dystopian megacity. What if this becomes a movie one day?

Here's a brief... Here is the brief we use for conventions. War is in the air once again as organized crime syndicates of the inner and outer city clash to fight for power and vengeance. Jericho, an aging ex-militia general that kept the peace of the city

finds that his historic feats are long forgotten while Kay, charismatic leader from the slums, rises to seek revenge. As guerrilla warfare ignites and unimaginable terror blazes through the city,

Jericho begins to realize that it may not be as simple as it used to be. I'm into this shit! So, you can fucking read this for free online at serazard.com. That is S-E-R-A-

Z-A-R-D dot com. But you can purchase physical print issues to help support this kid as well. And you can follow them on Instagram, The City Graphic Novel.

All one word, The City Graphic Novel. The City Graphic Novel. They currently have two chapters online, but chapter three will be uploaded shortly. So go read that shit for free at SarahZard.com or support the kid. Go to the City Graphic Novel, the City Graphic Novel on Instagram. Good luck, David. David Cho, we appreciate you, dog. And that's it. We'll see you next week.