You Are Being Unreasonable - 036 - In which we invent Lego F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Mega Bloks C.H.U.M.S

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

"Did you vote Brexit because you were worried about a Polish person touching your Creme Eggs?" New year, new unreasonables. Mumsnet has cranked it up for 2019. This week, we discuss what children should spend their Christmas money on and invent hot new Lego media properties; we talk about having babies for the maternity leave and the difficulty of sneaking a baby onto a rocket; we wonder about searching for white Creme Eggs and what the 'skin' of the Creme Egg is; we discuss the decline of the British high street and the Council of Anthropomorphised High Street Shops.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when their prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day when I'm... Hello! Hello!

Welcome to you are being unreasonable. Being Unreasonable, a podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com. Yep. Are people unreasonable in 2019? People are unreasonable. A lot of people are so unreasonable that it's not good podcast fodder because there's just sad stories of woe. So it's been challenging this week. But I have found some that I think are, you know, Mumsnet, classic, just people being utterly ridiculous. Classic. Classic Mumsnet. What they like. What are they like? Let's find out.

Am I being unreasonable not to allow D.D. to spend this Christmas money in this way. I find D.D. very difficult to buy for. She doesn't play with toys, though she often asks for shitty figures and play sets that she won't ever play with, and there's just so many clogging up the house soon to be in Landfill. She loves gaming, but it's a struggle to ever get her off it, so I don't want to encourage that. She loves dancing, and after gaming, her favourite pastime is to put videos of various singers on and dance along. She was in a dance club last year and seemed to be doing really well. But we had to drop it as she always complained about going, despite enjoying it once there. And her dad always gave in on his weekends, so she missed it too much. She does love building Lego, though never really plays with it once it's built.

With that in mind, I got her a huge set, thinking it would take a while to build at least. We did it together last week over the course of a few days, and she really enjoyed doing it. Once it was up, she played with it for about 10 minutes, then declared she couldn't play anymore and she needed another two figures. It was a friend's set and it came with three. She has all the girls in one set or another, but of course they're not the ones included in this set and some of them are lost, so she needs to buy more.

She had enough cash given to her to buy the smallest set that she wanted, but I said no, not until she's played with the big one more. She left it, and now I've just seen the big set has fallen apart, and she said she's not building it again until she gets the new figures. Am I being unreasonable to say that she can't get them? She'll just build them, play for ten minutes, and then either declare she needs to buy more or discard them. She's starting to fucking YouTube now

And I wonder why I'd bother buying her anything, TBH I have lots of questions I have so many questions Let's go through your questions This Lego Friends set Yes Is this Friends themed Lego Like the sitcom from the 90s

Because that would be amazing I don't think it is Although that's definitely a crossover that needs to happen They do lots of media properties Like Lego Star Wars and Lego Harry Potter are both very popular If it is a friend's Lego set, it says it came with three figures and she needs two more. So is this a child who knows that no one needs Roscella?

I hope that's what it is. Yeah, but honestly, imagine getting a friend set and not having Chandler and Joey. You'd be gutted. You'd be kicking right off. Could I be any more gutted? Nice. Yeah. Nice. Hot references, hot 2019 references.

Yeah, of the proof. Yeah, I think they should. you know, you've got your Central Perk playset. That's what I pictured it being. Central Perk play set with little, I guess the latte mugs are too small for the mini figures. Although they're pretty big mugs, you remember. They're like soup bowls. Yeah, it doesn't need to be the same size as a Lego head.

And in the Central Park play set, you just get gumfer. Oh. That's what I pictured when you said friends. But obviously you pictured a different, is it like the girl's apartment? Yeah, then you get the, so you get Central Perk, the girls' apartment. apartment, the boy's apartment. Ross's apartment. No, thank you. That's not topping any Christmas list. No, that's what you get if you're being spiteful. Spiteful. If you're really disapproved of this kid's asking for Lego sets, you're like, yeah, but you're getting Ross's apartment.

You want to get something to upset your tiny relative? Yeah, as we know, some people do. Yeah. Anyway, this is not the case. This is not a friend's themed play set. No. It's not. No. children. Like a dollhouse that's just that apartment block. But it's made of Lego. Yeah. And it's all like weird 90s stuff. Yeah.

You got a tiny little tree, the janitor down in the... Maybe that's why she needs to get all the figures again. Because maybe she's got the figures from like season one where Joey's like a bit bulky and he wears a little leather waistcoat. Oh yeah, yeah. But she's got the set from season 10 when actually that's, you know, Monica and Chandler lived together.

Yeah. And Joey wouldn't be wearing that waistcoat. And she's like, no, it doesn't make sense in the canon. I can't play with this. I can't do these early episodes. Yeah. You know the little Lego mini figures have detachable hair? So you can just have like detachable hair.

So one is the Rachel. And one is when Rachel has that sort of long straight hair. Yeah. And just swap them out. Oh, nice. Swat for those bad boys out. You need to get this copyrighted or whatever the process is. It's a cash cow because you can just produce.

one figure for Phoebe and then sell it as Ursula. Amazing. Yeah, we're going to make a lot of money off this. This is genius. Despite owning the rights to neither Lego nor Friends. We'll make it off-brand. We'll call it Chums. And we'll make it out of something that looks a bit like Lego,

but the fittings have only got five bits on them, not six. Yeah, this is our Mega Blocks set. Yeah, Chums, Megablocks. You don't even have the rights to Mega Blocks. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted the Friends Lego. Not the Chums Megablox. Okay, so that's one thing.

It's not the sitcom Friends. No. No, it's something else. It's those sets that you get where it's like, gives you the exact pieces to make an exact thing and once it's assembled

you've completed your task. It's not like the Lego of yesteryear where you were supposed to, you know, be creative. I'm mindful of how I talk about this because I don't want to sound like one though. It's like, these damn kids. But that's what it is. And looking at the Lego Friends Range

and you have like a talent show, a stable for folk. and mobile vet clinic, these kinds of things. Yeah. Based on the website, it looks like this is skewed towards girls. Let toys be toys, but yeah. Well, yeah, I'm not in charge of the branding. My questions, and I have many,

she says that she's mad about her daughter not playing with her toys enough, but then she says that her daughter loves gaming, but she won't get her a game because she will game too much, so she will play too much with gaming stuff. That's tough. So she's not allowed it because she'll enjoy it too much so she can only have something that she won't enjoy as much but then she's mad that she doesn't enjoy it as much

and I think an obvious solution is just to let her do her gaming yeah she just wants the latest game she wants to play through Red Dead Redemption 2 you know she's trying to build her Twitch fan base she just wants people to watch her game she's a gamer she's a gamer and that's fine so that's one thing where I don't really understand where the AP is coming from

The other thing, she goes off on this tangent about how the kid used to do dance, but then she said that she didn't enjoy going to dance, but then when she got there, she did, which is how everyone feels about everything. The number of times I've signed up for something, I'm like, I don't want to go, I'm going to hate it. And then afterwards, I'm like, no, it was good. I should have been more positive. And then the next time it comes around, I'm like, I don't want to go, I'm going to hate it. That's just how people are.

Like, you can't be that annoyed about that. Some of us are just like that. It's probably an anxiety thing, or maybe the kid's just a brat, but I don't know. it seems like an aside. But then, for no reason at the end, she's furious that the girl is dancing to a YouTube video. She says she's dancing to fucking YouTube. Why is she so angry?

She's in her room always watching that video of Alexandra Ocasio Cortez dancing and dancing along. If that's what the kid is doing, she is the best kid. We all love that video. Dancing around, talking about socialism. It's disgusting. Building a Lego mini set of. Congress. She needs a new figure. She needs AOC. She needs a little Lego mini figure. They've only just

put AOC out. She got sworn in after the kid got her Christmas presents, so there wasn't a mini figure. So the crux of this is can the parent control what the kid did with her Christmas money? That is the crux of it, yes. And like, no, you gave the kid the money. If the kid wants to, you know, just go to the strip club and convert it into ones and make it rain, they can do that. I don't think that's going to fit with this kid's politics. Make it rain. I don't know. Probably not.

Well, I mean, to an extent, I do feel like as a parent you probably can say to your child, no, you don't spend your money on that. Well, yeah, don't buy a knife. But that doesn't mean that this person is being reasonable. Like, oh, I want her to play with the toys that she's got more and she won't, so now she's not allowed any toys, but also she's not allowed to do gaming and she's not allowed to watch YouTube videos. What do you want to do?

Just stare at a wall. You're going to just put her in the choking. until she plays with the Lego set she already has. Like, what? Go outside, like she did, when she was a girl. Go outside and make friends with her cow. And also not entirely clear on how you're supposed to play with these Lego friends sets once they're assembled.

You get the little figurines, sure, so you can do a little bit of character play. A little bit of stage work. Yeah, you can do a bit of stage art. You can warm up the audience. Do a few scenes. Do a few short-form games with them. Anyone in from out of town?

But mostly, you're just building a... fixed thing. Yeah, I think the joy is in construction. Yeah. Why not let her have the joy of constructing more? And then you spray it with glue, so it never moved again. A sad memento mori. A sad memento mori of Ross's time and friends. Yeah, so once you pick apart the fact that it doesn't sound like this woman likes her daughter very much, and that's a very sad thing that's an aside. All Lego. Or Lego. Or YouTube, or gaming or dancing. She seems a little joyless, doesn't she? And it does seem very unreasonable to say that

she's not allowed to go and spend it on Lego, which is like the most wholesome thing. If this kid was 10 and she was like, oh will you take my money and go buy me a packet of fags? Like, say no. Definitely say no. What if you had a kid and all they wanted to buy with their Christmas money was

forks? Loads and loads of forks. Like just, you know, dinner forks, not like gardening forks. Just forks. I'd be really confused but I think I'd allow it. Yeah? Yeah, I think I would.

I'd be intrigued as what they wanted the for, and I feel like you'd never truly know until you let them buy the forks. Let's let this play out. Let's see where this goes. Yeah. Although if they started turning them into those hideous bangles, then I'd have to take them away.

I don't think I know about this. Oh, you know, people turn forks into bangles, and it was quite fashionable for a while, and then it just became really overdone. I just think Lego is such a wholesome thing to want to buy. Why would you get so annoyed about this. And yeah, obviously they're not going to buy knives or cigarettes, but they could be trying to just buy loads of sweets, which isn't great, or video games, which this parent

disapproves of. I don't see what the problem is. I really don't see what the problem is. It is her money. Yeah. She should be allowed to buy that, you know, late season, Paul Rudd mini figure, just to complete the set. Yeah. Even though he's one of the real friends. Mike Hannigan. Never a real friend. Should we hear from the thread? Well, yeah. She won't choose to spend her birthday money in the same way you would choose to spend yours. Well, obviously. Obviously, unless you're making like a little mini-me of you. The person who wrote that clearly thought they were being really clever.

Yeah, it's not that profound. No. Am I being unreasonable to think the white cream eggs are a bad idea? Apparently, there are a few white cream eggs hidden in normal packaging, and you can win £1,000 if you find one. Am I being unreasonable to think it's so easy to just open a bit of the foil wrap and see the colour inside that all the eggs on the shelves

are going to be half open from people looking for the white ones. Little green, nauseous face. Maybe I'm thinking too harshly about the people of our country, but I'm worried about my cream eggs. Yeah, I heard about this promotion. So there's white cream eggs hidden

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style hidden among the regular cream eggs. Now, they put this promotion up just before Christmas, but a little disclaimer at the bottom of the promotion said the white cream eggs will not be in circulation until a few months later, like maybe like February or whatever.

So don't go opening them now because you're not going to find your white cream eggs. So what this person needs to do is stockpile cream eggs prior to that date, and then they'll have all the cream eggs they need, and they won't need to worry about people's sticky fingers. But I mean, the same applies to, you know, Charlie and the chocolate factory.

Those golden tickets were just sort of in the Wonka bars. Yeah. Like Charlie opened it, and there it was. Anyone could have just gone into the shelves and started opening them, will he know it? Where do they shop where they think no one's going to notice if there are people just picking open all of the cream eggs? Yeah, because cream eggs are coming like a bucket by the side of the till.

Well, maybe that's the thing. A lot of stuff isn't by the side of the till anymore because the government decided that that was the problem and not, you know, poverty and people not having the resources to access decent food because of austerity. They decided that they just needed to move the cream eggs further from the till and their work was done.

So maybe the cream eggs are all tucked away where there's no one supervising to make sure that people aren't picking them open with their grubby little hands. Can you imagine? Can you even begin to comprehend how sweet a white cream egg would be? How sickly sweet. You'd be tasting it for days. You would never get that taste out of your mouth. It's making my eyes feel blurry, thinking about it.

Yeah. You would be running everywhere because that's so much sugar. Oh, no. No, no, no. That's so sweet. Yeah, so I have always been of the belief that I don't like cream eggs without tasting them to find out. And then I had the little cream egg bits that you get in celebrations. And I was like, oh my God, it's so sweet, it's disgusting. That's the cream egg.

Yeah, but that fondant stuff you get in the middle is what you get in fries cream. And that comes encased in dark chocolate, which takes the edge off. And I love a fries cream. All you need to do is, instead of just taking the wrapping off, you need to surgically extract the fondon. Fondon. Yeah. you need to just put a shringe in, pull it out, you get a little fondon to spray into your mouth. I think, surely if you get the white cream egg, though, you have to submit it to get your £1,000.

Oh yeah, so if you shinsed all these cream eggs to get the fondon out, you could shins the white cream egg and you wouldn't even know it. Yeah. Unless it's got a different fondon. Unless it's got a different fondon flavour. You're just trying to eat fondon, as you call it. Imagine strawberry cream eggs. White strawberry cream eggs. White strawberry cream eggs.

Oh, you'd be sick. They would. Just take my money. Oh, no. I've had it converted into ones here. Make it rain. Give me them strawberry cream eggs. So, uh, one pound notes don't exist.

You've had all your money conversed into garbage. You cannot have these cream eggs. Surely you'd notice, you would just, you'd notice if your cream egg had been tampered with. Yeah. I mean, if you're concerned about people getting their grubes, remits on food. I got some bad news about the rest of food. I like the bit where the OP says maybe I'm thinking too harshly about the people of our country. What weird phrase? The people of our country. If you're the sort of person who says the people of our country,

did you vote Brexit because you're worried a Polish person was touching your cream eggs? I don't know. Something about the phrase makes me think that I wouldn't get on with this person. Coming over here touching our cream eggs. Terrible business. Let's hear from the thread. I agree. Some are worth £10,000. They need to be wrapped differently if they're going to do this sort of competition. I put off buying them this year because so many people will have been touching them up and peeling their skin. The wrapper of a cream egg is not referred to as the skin. Let's just get that out of the way right now. I'm not peeling the skin off a cream egg and then eating the juicy innards. The chocolate is the skin, if anything.

Nothing is the skin. Cream egg has no skins. Eggs don't have skins. Eggs have shells. Oh. Last time, last time the co-op my mum works in had to put the cream eggs right next to the till because people were just opening loads, scratching the grubby nails through the wrapping. Scratching into cream eggs indiscriminately. Spreading their fingers wide so they can claw through five at a time. Get this done. Getting special, you know, Freddie Cougar gloves. Ruin every cream egg. Yeah.

There's a white one. Someone said we should all buy them boxed in bulk, Vruca Salt style. Rooka Salt wasn't really in the spirit of the competition. No. Was Ruka Salt the one who had her dad's factory shelling them? I think so, yeah. Yeah, that kind of industrial scale thing wasn't in the spirit of the competition at all. And I think Willy Wonka pointed that out to her.

If not in the classic Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory, at least in the shithead lead Johnny Depp, which aren't at the chocolate factory. Cream eggs taste disgusting these days, so I'd be well fed up to find that I paid 40 pounds and none of them were a winner. Don't people understand there's other ways to gamble? I'm not a gambling woman,

but if I were, I wouldn't gamble on 40 pounds worth of cream eggs. I'd just buy a scratch card. Cream egg futures. It's a great investment. Am I being unreasonable to be so angry with the British High Street? Went sales shopping yesterday with my elderly mother. We went to an affluent city in the south-east. The shops were just horrible, full of badly merchandise sales stuff, which looked totally uninviting.

In House of Fraser, one of the stores which is remaining open, we waited 25 minutes in the luggage department for a member of staff. There was no one there to help. There was no tape measure. There were no useful signs about cabin luggage allowances, and there was no one to take any cash. We hung around for ages with two other families. No chairs to sit on.

We just stood around. After a while we all gave up. The same in lingerie. No staff on duty. We had lunch there, which was really nice. But the restaurant loos were closed for cleaning when we went at 1215. What restaurant shuts its loos at lunchtime? The British High Street keep moaning, but really, why on earth would anyone want to shop there?

Last Christmas we went to the US. Now I know it's different in America, but every morning in Macy's, when the doors open, a group of staff clapped the shoppers in. shoppers in. We couldn't get over this and ask the sales assistant about it. She told us it's an honour to be picked to welcome customers, look them in the eye and say, thanks for coming. Anyone else fed up with the High Street? Sounds like they had a bad experience at one House of Fraser. It does, doesn't it? It's a shame. Like, they go on and on, and also they talk about the High Street as if the High Street is a person. The High Street's really, blah, blah, blah, but they only

talk about going to House of Fraser. They also make it sound like they have lunch in the lingerie department. So maybe that's why people weren't king to help them, because they were just having their sandwiches. Yeah, just standing by a load of bras, getting sausage roll crumbs on them. I don't know how this person has found time to get so angry. They only talk about House of Fraser. They've written like 10 paragraphs, and the gist of it is I didn't really like House of Fraser. Well, that's fine. Why would there be useful signs about cabin luggage allowance in House of Fraser, which is not an airline? Exactly. But is a department store. I wouldn't expect to see seats. in the middle of a shop, either.

No, unless it were a shoe shop. Yeah, in a shoe department, absolutely, but anywhere else. Yeah, and House of Fraser is a department store, but I don't think it does shoes. Maybe. Yeah, I think it does, but, I mean, they're in the lingerie department having their sarnies, and the... And trying to find a toilet. Yeah, and the luggage department, looking out for helpful signs. Nowhere to sit.

Crumbs on the bras. Crummy bras. No lose. Also, why did you bring this up? like, I would hate it. Imagine going into a shop and there's those people, they're like, whey! Way! You buy some stuff, you go, girl. I'd be like, I'm not going in there.

Oh no. Yeah, I mean, is Macy's is a kind of department store that's in a lot of places, is it? I don't know. Because all I could think of is the one in New York, like in Manhattan, which is quite a different experience from the House of Fraser in Tumbridge Wells. Yeah, it's like a flagship internationally renowned thing. that people go to New York for,

people go to New York for the shopping to go to these places. The comparable store would be Harrod to... Yeah, it would. In Knightsbridge. I just can't get over the British High Street, keep moaning. Do they?

Who were the British High Street? Who are you talking about? The representatives and they get together at their British High Street conferences. You've got, you know, the dog from HMV. Oh, bad times for that dog.

It's not going well. No, bad news for the dog. Frazier from House of Friends. Frasier. That's Kelsey Grammar. It's Fraser. Sorry. Sorry to break it to you. Frazier from House of Frazier. Okay. Kelsey Grammer, the dog. Yeah. Who else have you got on the high street?

Hey, it's the HMV dog the same as the dog in Frazier? Why not? A little reunion. Yeah. So you've got Eddie Kelsey Grammer. Greg, from Greg's. Greg the Baker. I think Greg is too involved in social media to really pay attention to what's going on. Yeah, Greg the Baker's just on his phone during this meeting. Just sending pithy tweaks.

munching on a vegan sausage jaw and you know W.H. Smith, Will Smith. Will Smith. Will Smith. Of Will Smith. And all they do is moan. Yeah. Terrible. This woman sounds like hard work. She complains that the staff seem poorly trained and it all seems a bit of an effort.

But just from the tone of her post, I imagine that if you're working over Christmas and Boxing Day and New Year's sales... And you've brought your mother in, all packed in her furs and finer to get her luggage for the year. Exactly. the year and she needs to know what about various airlines and their luggage allowances then she needs to eat their lunch over the bras yeah and they want to

get measured up because they want you know bespoke suits and whatnot yeah I think no tape measure no tape measure what shops has she been going to previously I would be really confused if I went into a shop and it's full of chairs and tape measures and signs about all of the airlines and I'd find that so distressing and baffling that I would just leave. I would just turn around and I'd just start running away like someone in Armando Ionucci program.

Yeah, I think the closest I've been to that kind of shopping experience is when I was getting my suit fitted for my wedding which, you know, involved chairs and tape measures and all this kind of finery and caused me so much anxiety I would have left had it not been for our wedding.

Yeah, I snubbed the Great British High Street and just bought my wedding dress on the internet, so maybe that's why they're so angry at me. Why did they wait for 25 minutes in the luggage department with two other families? Like, what is going on where there's just three families and none of them? None of them think, should one of us just go and have a look for a member of staff somewhere? Maybe she goes to the till area, eh? No, no, we'll just stand here. We'll wait. I imagine they all just, they formed a queue. Luggage boy. Just three families in a queue

for no reason in the middle of the luggage department, tutting. The thing is, we've created this, we shopped on Amazon and ASOS so the high street needed to cut costs. Staff are the first thing to go. Remaining staff are overworked and underpaid and generally spoken to like shit. We didn't create this. Why are we all blaming ourselves and the staff? And it's just capitalism again. Capitalism is the problem here. And also maybe this woman's bizarre expectations. Like, don't be all self-deprecating and oh no, it was my fault. I went on ASOS. So that's why your mum had to go down two floors to have a wee. If only we'd spent more money on consumer goods.

If only. This all could have been avoided. Yeah, I mean, the thread is a mix of people saying I never ever want to be clapped into a shop and people saying, why would there have been signs about luggage? Am I being unreasonable to have a baby because I hate work? It's a slightly misleading title,

but I really think I want to be a parent. I'm 38, so not young. Also, I hate my job. Really hate it. And time on maternity would give me. me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I'd be able to get another job afterwards. Am I being unreasonable? No, this sounds great. Really? I think they're conflating two totally different things and focusing on the wrong bit. If you hate your job,

get another job. If you want a baby, have a baby. Don't have a baby to get six months off work. Because when you go back to work it's going to be much harder because you would have been on maternity leave and there'd been some uncovering and then you'll be like new again, in a job that you've done all along that you already hated. Maybe you don't go back to work. It sounds win-win to me. You want to be a parent. You want to be a baby.

I hate work, but should I become a baby? Should I become an adult baby? That's what I'm doing for 2019. I'm going to become an adult baby. But only 9 to 5 on weekdays. Okay. Well, that's good because I'll be out, so I'd have to see it. They can't really expect a baby to get the tube.

Hang on, so does that mean that for your commuting time, you're going to... Are you going to commute into work, but once you get to work, you're going to be an adult baby? Yeah. I don't know about that, I'm just not sure. Yeah, good luck convincing a baby to, you know, write your library system for you. So your plan is to get fired. I see. I don't think there's anything wrong with, you know, calmly assessing the benefits of having a baby.

And if that's six to eight months off work, way! I do think if this person wants a baby, like more power to you, go for it, have a baby, but don't have a baby because you hate work. No. And don't think of being on maternity leave as six to eight months off work because you'll be quite busy, I imagine. Well, with the baby.

Yeah, you might hate your job, but I bet with your job you're still allowed to, you know, sleep at night. Yeah, babies are a lot of work is my understanding. More work, arguably, than going to work. More work than not having a baby, certainly. Absolutely. And definitely more work than being a baby. Yes. A lot of growing, though. Oh, he's got a lot of growing to do.

Yeah, but maybe I say that about babies, they just like eat and sleep and then they grow. It's not like when you say that about an adult and you mean they need to like really assess their behaviour. Make some changes. This baby's cancelled. I was trying to call the baby in. You're just cancelling the baby. I'm calling the baby out. This baby's like coming. Spacer. Baby CK. Baby CK and Baby Spacer. I'm not saying... He's like Muppet babies, only abuser babies.

Yeah, only much worse. Only definitely cancelled. Baby Johnny Depp. Fully cancelled. I'm not saying this person owes us this information, but for the sake of understanding the post, I'd be interested to know if she has someone to have a baby with or if she's going to go it alone and really all of the other details. It really seems like she's just sort of thought, oh, I'm 38 and God this job is shit. Baby. It doesn't, it seems like it's exists in a vacuum. And I don't know that that, I mean, a baby can't exist in a vacuum.

No, Lord now. Don't put a baby in a vacuum. Suffocate. Well, you know what I mean, though. When will the first baby be shot into space to survive and come back? What's going to say? When's the first baby in space? You made it sound like thirst against the wall. No, we're not shooting this baby into space because it's been cancelled. Oh my God, we're going to get arrested. I mean, that should be the next milestone, the first baby in space. Because we've done, you know, man, woman, dog, monkey, rats, ants. Babies aren't self-sufficient.

No, people didn't look after the baby. Oh, I thought it was a solo mission. It's not a solo mission, and there is no return. Do you understand that baby? Well, I mean, if that happens, I hope it's not this woman's baby, because she just wanted eight months off work. She didn't want to have to do this in space. Well, that sounds a lot like work.

Sounds like it could be beneficial if the baby leaves on an eight-month mission, just as she's got the maternity leave. She gets the leave. Baby's in space. So the baby's not going with their own parent. The baby's going with... The baby's going with a trained astronaut health. I'm sure there are trained astronauts who are parents.

Good thinking. What if this woman is a trained astronaut? She just really wants eight months off. And you're saying... Eight months off being an astronaut. Yes. That's not an unreasonable thing to say. Do you think that when astronauts aren't in space, they're just off?

Yeah, I assumed so. I'll say they're either in space or just sitting around in their pants eating Doritos. If you ate a cream egg in. space. Go on. Would the fondon escape from the egg casing once you'd broken it? No, because it's very dense, isn't it? It's very stuck in there. It's not all free-flowing. I imagine the heat of leaving the atmosphere might have melted it a wee bit there. Like, the filling from a cream egg, while soft, is definitely solid. It's not a liquid. This is why we need to fund... Very high viscosity. This is why NASA needs to be funded, because we need to see about

babies in space, cream eggs in space, you know, Lego friends sets in space. I mean, we Send all of those on the one mission? Yeah. Party times. What's the luggage allowance? There are no helpful signs about that. Send the Great British High Street to space. That was moaning.

Yeah, building Gregs on the International Space Station. That piss Piers Morgan off. Imagine if a vegan sausage roll went to space before a meat sausage roll went to space. And you imagine how needlessly furious people would be. Ah, nonsense. This has gone one. awfully off topic. Basically, and I think this woman, if she wants a baby, she should totally have a baby, and if she hates her job, she should quit her job. I don't think that

having a baby is the easy out she thinks it is. I think she'd be better off looking for another job, then having a baby. Yeah. I don't know though. What do I know? I've never had a baby. Or been an astronaut. It's true. I see her from the thread. Use annual leave, take a week sick, or find a new job. She doesn't want a week sick, she wants eight months off. I don't think she's got eight months of annual leave. I think in the immediate term she should look for a job that she doesn't hate so much. Yeah, that's probably better than having a baby. Probably easier. When you take maternity leave, are there checks? I think there's a letter that you get from your doctor or health professional that says like...

And how easy would it be to write one of these letters? I don't know. This seems illegal. It seems a bit fraudy. But I think this is the easy way to get maternity leave. I say easy. This is the way to get maternity leave without the stress of the baby. But people will ask a lot of questions about the baby. Yeah, no doubt. You're going to have to find

some pictures of a baby on the internet. You have to make sure that it's not a famous baby. That'd be an amazing catfish. Imagine if you saw an episode of catfish and it was like, yeah, I think my colleague's baby as a catfish. I think it's this famous baby. This is a model baby. because it's always a picture of a model. All the images that she brings in to work of her baby

have shutterstock watermarks on them. And it'd be really difficult as the baby gets older to make sure it was the same baby. Yeah, you know. I think I missed something, but someone said something about hiding the baby and the AP has said, I'm not thinking of hiding the baby

any more than I hide any other aspects of my life that aren't strictly relevant to my professional role. why would you of course you're not going to hide the baby you're not going to get the maternity leave if you hide the baby hiding the baby is completely against the entire point of having the baby I don't know with those big wigs at NASA involved

hiding the baby maybe the only way to get the baby into space I'm pretty sure they'll do some checks that they'll notice if you snuck a baby onto a space flight are you sure you can't get a yoghurt onto hand luggage how would you get a baby onto a rocket good questions

Good questions that we're not equipped to answer. Am I being unreasonable to feel anxiously broody at 32? This is just the same poster, broody for time off. Am I being unreasonable to use the cooked Christmas Eve ham in a recipe today? For reference that was posted on the 3rd of January. No, it's fine. Ham keeps for ages. That's ham, isn't it?

Yeah. Am I being unreasonable? Gripe words. Gripe words? Yeah. Gripe words. Am I being unreasonable? All the gripe words.

So many great words Am I being unreasonable to ask whether you are one of the thousand plus women that slept with Mick Hucknell Oh Yeah, keep that to yourself Yeah, no one wants to know that Yeah No, no Well, with that, let's call it a day

Yeah, hells do you have anything to plug? I've got a solo show coming up on Sunday the 20th of January at 6.30pm Incredible, where's that? It's at the Chapel Playhouse on Grey's Inn Road. If you came to our live show, it's that venue. If you didn't, it's that venue. It's that venue. Please do come along. It'll be good.

It's a storytelling, interactive show. So if there's no one there, there's no show, and it's super awkward. Great. Have you got anything to plug, Simon? No, I don't do anything apart from this. Okay, well, good. Maybe you should pursue your adult baby thing to fill your time. I'll be trying to get the first baby into space.

Thanks for listening. Bye! Do this how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now