You Are Being Unreasonable - 037 - In which we hire multiple private investigators to investigate our families

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

"Imagine if someone sent Jamie Oliver as your birthday treat." We heed the words of Gillette and help people be the best that they can be. But then we hear that they're bugging the phones of their family members and sending elaborate birthday presents to school for our 16 year olds so it's tough. Is it unreasonable to hide in the park so your husband doesn't know you have a day off? Is it unreasonable to deliver pizzas to your kids at school? Is it unreasonable to be disappointed in George Ezra? And is it unreasonable to hire a private investigator to investigate your daughter-in-law?

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day when I felt the day when I felt the Hello! Welcome to You Are Being Unreasonable.

A podcast about people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com. Yeah, it's the podcast that we do. You're listening to it right now. It's about mumsnet.com. So that's the gist, that's the intro. Should we move on to our speed round? Please. So, am I being unreasonable to do it anyway? No, feel the fear and do it anyway, as they say.

Am I being unreasonable to ask for songs you think are underrated? Yeah, it's none of your business. really. Am I being unreasonable to get incredibly irritated by lazy journalists stealing mumsnet threads? We're treading and tow us here. Oh, you're picking yourself up if you think that we could ever fall into the journalist bracket. Nonetheless, creating content from mum's net friends is kind of our wheelhouse. So I'm going to say no, not at all. That person's not being unreasonable to be annoyed about it. Oh no, the journalist is not unreasonable. No unreasonable. And am I being unreasonable to ask which positive things you associate with manliness?

Oh, is this because of Gillette? Possibly, but who knows? Who knows? No, there's lots of positive things to do with manliness, probably. We won't open this thread to find out. Hair. Hair. Hair, he's good. Is hair manly? No, body hair, I guess I mean. Leg hair. Hairy legs. Let's do a thread. am I being unreasonable not to tell my other half that I've flexed my hours? I'm fortunate that my boss has agreed condensing my part-time hours from four days into three days. So I'll work Tuesday to Thursday and have Monday and Friday off. Obviously, this would affect my annual leave, so HR have been advised. But when I told Mr. I was considering changing days, he said,

oh good, you can have my dinner on the table and do X, Y, Z on the Mondays if it's agreed. don't want to be told what to do, so I'm not telling him it's been agreed as of now. Am I being unreasonable? Weird flex, but okay. Yay! Oh, I said the thing. You did, you said the thing. Said the thing of the internet. Yeah. You're down with a kid. So I was mostly thinking of that joke. What's going on? This woman has changed her hours and isn't going to tell her partner.

Yeah, it seems fine because he seems like a bit of a dick. If he's saying that sincerely, if he's joking. I think I'll joke around with you I'll better be dinner on the table stereotypes expectations then the other day I was like oh I could have had something ready for when you got in if you'd said something or other and you were like that's ridiculous why would you do that? I don't mind. I wouldn't say it's

sincerely, silly I think there's a lot more going on there's subtext here isn't there but if we just take it at face value to begin with and then we can start to pull apart what might be going on otherwise I have a question, how is this person going to pretend they don't have Mondays off? They're going to have to make sure that there's no evidence that they've been in all day. They're going to have to hide.

What if the neighbours see them every Monday? Like, you know, when you're at school and you think about bunking off and then you think, like, I could go to class and I could just fanny around, or I could bunk off and just hide in the back of a field somewhere? Yeah, just go hide in the park, like in fresh meat. Yeah, but the thing with hiding in the park is what if you see someone you know? like really you can't hide in a park you need to hide somewhere that no one is going to go and that's going to be somewhere that no one's going because no one wants to be there so you've

achieved nothing all you've done is force yourself into a situation where you're like round the back of some bins you're like no one's going to come around the back of the bins are they no you just have to wait until the husband goes out and then go back home but then you have to make sure there's no evidence that you've been at home yeah what would what evidence would there be I don't know, like, what if without thinking about it, you've just moved some stuff around very slightly? He'd have to be very picky to... He sounds a bit of an ass. Just say, oh, I got home 10 minutes ago.

Every Monday, I finished 10 minutes early. And then he'll say, well, you need to start cooking. 10 minutes earlier than you were. Yeah. I don't know, I think it's weird. I just think, like, I don't know what these people's lives are like, but what if every Monday, you know, she ends up having to take parcels in, and then they're still in the flat when he, gets back or the house whatever he's like why did we get all these people's parcels haven't you been at

work yeah I was at work the parcel came the very moment you left and then I left shortly afterwards to go to work which I do on a Monday I just think she would be better off saying look I've had this approved but I asked for it for a reason and that reason was not to be your lackey sir yeah things would be better generally on these threads of people were dishonest and communicated honestly with each other I just have visions of this woman hiding just spending Let's talk about the hiding. Your husband comes home sick from work. You don't want to tell him you're home, so you have to hide in the bathroom, behind the shower curtain.

And he's come home with D&V, and so he's there. You're behind the shower curtain. Oh no. Will he find you, won't he? Attention. You're having to listen to his vomiting and diarrhea. Yeah, and there's nothing you can do about it. Oh, no.

Oh, no. And then, like, he put us off. He leaves. You've been in this bathroom behind the curtain for ages, and you're like, I'll just, I'll just go to the loo, but you can't flush it because of the noise, but you can't not flush it because then it'll be like someone's been in and used the toilet. Pick it out. Well, I was just thinking for a wee.

How would you... I don't think of her poo. You pick out the poo and throw it out the bathroom window. Oh. Yeah. This is a terrible situation. Oh no, I don't like this at all. So she's taken afternoons off so she can pick the poo out of the toilet and throw it out of the window.

Yes. That's what we know. Maybe if she just said to him, look, I pick poo out of the toilet and throw it out the window. he will not be so keen for her to have dinner on the table. Oh, okay. Why does she mention that HR have been advised? That's completely irrelevant. Like, unless her husband works in HR

and then she is treading on thin ice. Like, HR for the same place she works. Why has she mentioned it? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it is good to do stuff around the house if you've got time. Yeah, it is. But that should be on her terms

Yeah Not this dude's terms Yeah But then again You just share the house with her She is I don't mean he gets to dictate what she does No

There's so many sides Okay Have you got other sides You want to mention No I have no more sides Okay Should we hear from the thread Why don't you tell him

What you're telling us No need for any deception Just no You're making time for yourself Not to pick up more chores When does he have dinner on the table For you Yeah

Someone else has said Cheaky sod isn't he Fair enough The APs come back and said If I get up as normal on Monday He won't know Unless he pops back in the day Brackett's rare

Rare but it does happen Yeah you can't hide this From your husband I don't think I think hiding is the wrong way to get Yeah and if it is rare Then he's going to think it's a bizarre coincidence That on the two times each year That he's popped back in the day on a Monday

She's also popped back And has got her feet up and a nice coffee and it's halfway through a book. I've been married for like eight months and let me tell you, the foundation of a good marriage is openness and honesty. Not pretending that you work days that you don't. Exactly.

And I mean, now there are people asking if he gets time to himself and she's like, yeah, gets nights to himself and weekends. I don't know if she doesn't get those. The whole relationship, the O.P. comes back a few times and says, like, well, he gets all the evenings and weekends to himself. Then it becomes apparent that they have children. And she pays for all of the children's stuff and he doesn't and he doesn't take an interest in doing any of the child's stuff. And when there's family time, he just plays his Xbox and she's basically saying he does jack all around the house as it is.

He just needs to be better. He needs to be the best a man can be. Well, yeah. Yeah. Apparently she had to ask for the flexi time because her child has orthodontic appointments and those are only on a Monday. And the child also has orthopedic appointments and those are. only on a Friday. This is all starting to sound like a problem-solving activity. The orthodontist and the orthopaedic person can never cross paths, and there's a fox. I only ever had orthodontic appointments on Mondays. I wonder if that's a theme across the UK. But my grandma took me.

Thanks, Grandma. When I was at uni, someone I knew had orthodontic appointments that they went from Edinburgh back to Manchester for, and I think they were always on Mondays, because they used to get the overnight coach on a Sunday, go to Manchester. Well, that may well have been the same orthodontic hospital. Perhaps it was. Maybe this is the same orthodontic hospital. Maybe they're based in Manchester.

You'd think that if this orthodontic hospital's covering all of Manchester, there would just be one person working Mondays only. Fitting brace after brace, the production line of children coming alone. Titan, Titan, Titan, next. Not just children, grown adults who've taken the overnight bus from Edinburgh. Yeah, and people with adult braces. Yeah. I mean, I think this person's being unreasonable.

It sounds like there's other stuff that they need to address with the way this relationship is set up. But I don't think you can spend your whole life pretending that you work a day that you don't work. That's just nonsense. You just say, look, I've taken this Monday so I can take the child to orphaned an appointment. He'll say, oh, I didn't know the child had teeth yet.

Yeah. Because he's oblivious. Exactly. He's on the Xbox and fishing all the time. Exactly. Problem solves. This way, she gets a day off. He gets to find out that his child is eight.

It's all fine And requires expensive gentle work Which is why she's condensed her hours Not reduced them, maybe We've learnt a lot, we've learnt a lot here We have, we have Am I being unreasonable, phone bugged I would really appreciate any help or advice

Anyone can give me As I don't even know where to start right now Have a very bad relationship with parents-in-law Found out a few years ago They hired a private investigator on me I found out because I overheard a conversation between parents-in-law when they were drunk, but they don't know that I've heard them. Over the years since, our relationship deteriorated. I've had a few cases where they've said things they shouldn't know. I've always put it down to coincidence, but recently, my father-in-law has word-for-word quoted two of my telephone conversations with my sister,

and he should absolutely have no way of knowing any of it. He also got warning looks from mother-in-law when he said these things. I can't speak to anyone in real life about this in case I'm being paranoid or I look crazy If my phone is bugged Then a lot of things that have happened over the last few years make sense Is there anything I can do to find out if someone has access to personal information on my phone Can anyone give me advice on this?

Goodness me, what a tale of intrigue Who hires a private investigator on their in-laws? What? Not me. Why would you even suggest that I'd done that? What? You're hiring a private investigator on my parents. Yeah, just wanted to know what I was marrying into. Oh, right.

Why didn't you just go and see my dad doing stand-up? That's all the private investigator discovered. Just stand-up. I wonder if there's backstory where she's done something so truly awful that they felt that a private investigator was necessary, or if it is, as I expect, they are just truly awful. And rather than accepting that not everyone can like everyone, and they've hired a private investigator.

That's a power move, though, to quote a telephone conversation word for word whilst staring you in the eye. It is. It really is. One that I almost admire. There are people that I really do not like, and I know that I will never, ever like them. But I think having more information

about the day-to-day mundane elements of their life, that would make you feel good. That would make me feel pissed off, because I'd be like, I already think this person is shit, and now I know so much more. Why is this shit person? and consuming so much of my energy. I don't need to know when they called someone.

What's the private... What's the private investigator going to find? Most people have mundane lives. Like, oh, this person that you absolutely cannot abide went to Audi the other day. Great. That's fantastic. Do you want to know what they bought? No, I don't. I don't want to remember they exist. Garbage. All we've found out, all the private investigator has found out,

is that she's got a day off and hasn't told her husband. So, spends every Monday in the park. on the swings on the phone to her sister-in-law cackling about how she could be doing housework but she's on the swings what is going on it's all so implausible

could it be that the parents are just saying things that they shouldn't know because her partner has told the parents it might be that yeah maybe her partner is terribly indiscreet we really need to know what things that they shouldn't know are because it could be the partner's just being indiscreet

so it could be them being like oh how's your smear chest and she's like what? Yeah. Or it could be that they are verbatim saying conversations she's had with her sister where she's like, my parents-in-law are bugging my phone they've got a private investigator on me

what is going on? Yeah and the father-in-law has come over to her at a function and been like, I've heard you think your parents-in-law have bugged your phone and they've hired a private investigator, what do you think's going on? And then the mother-in-law comes over and she, It's a warning look. It's all a bit telenovela, isn't it? Yeah. Tele novella or film noir, and I had never thought of those as having any crossover before, but

in this particular case. We need to find out what this person's hiding. Like what are they hiding from the parents-in-law? Are they an international duel thief? Maybe. If they are an international jewel thief, they're doing pretty well that only the parents-in-law seems suspicious. Everyone will just put that down to bad relationships within laws, because that's fairly common. Would the parents-in-law then use that to blackmail, or do they want in on the dual heist? The many dual heists. It sounds like they'd use it to blackmail. It doesn't sound like they want in on any sort of relationship with her. A thing that I find odd is that the OP has made no mention whatsoever of their partner. No. And if I felt like your parents were

bugging my phone, I'd be interested in your take. And if your take was, well, they're not bugging the phone, I would maybe mention that if I'd started a mum's net thread. And if your take was, that sounds like them, I would mention that. And if your take was, you've gone mad, I'd mention that. Like, whatever it was, just as a disclaimer, I don't think Simon's parents would ever bug my phone. Simon's parents are lovely. And also, no one bugs phones. I don't have to boo our phone. We do a podcast. I can listen to that if they want to find out about our lives. Yeah, I mean, you edit stuff out when I'm being truly heinous. Yeah, I edit out the bits of the podcast where I admit to being an international dual thief.

Yeah, yeah. Obviously. Obviously, but I don't know what advice the OP wants. Can anyone give me advice on this? Who do they think is reading this thread? Like, are they hoping that someone will come along and be like, oh, here's how you can find out if your phone has been bugged and here's how to fix it? Or are they hoping for advice more along the lines of how to repair this relationship,

which is so badly damaged that there's a private investigator involved? She needs to hire a private investigator on the parent. in-law's private investigator. Until eventually there's just a big circle of private investigators following each other around. Keeping all private investigators employed. Or on the parents-in-law, find out their dirty secrets, like the fact that they've bugged their daughter-in-law's phone. So the Ops come back a little bit later on and said, D.H. does not know that I suspect phone bugging.

I'm too nervous to say it out loud, to be honest. I've mentioned it once or twice over the years jokingly when they've said things like, oh, how strange that they've brought that up. Maybe they're spying on us. That was just a test of waters, really. Mobile phone conversations at home, but it's unlikely that they'd have anything in our home. Well, so you think that they've bugged your mobile, but you'd think it would be too far-fetched that they've bugged your home? I think bugging your mobile is harder than bugging your phone. Someone knows a lot. Is it you? Are you somehow related to this person?

I'm the private investigator. We're never going to find out what it is that has happened here that's made the relationship so bad, or whether this person has done anything. remotely interesting. No. But based on the fact that there's someone who starts the thread on Mumsnet, I could hazard that they're not very interesting. I can just read, the parents-in-law can just read the Mumsnet thread, or various threads that this person's done.

Yeah, you can do a search on Mums, that way you search by username, and then you can put all of the things that they've said in threads together and work out who people are, apparently. People always say, name changed, because this is outing. Like, no one is looking up all the usernames trying to piece together bits of information to see if it's someone they know.

Aren't they held? Because there's private investigators out there hired by in-laws who are doing just that. No one cares. People and mums that are so convinced everyone wants to know about their lives. I say, as we make a podcast about their lives, but just giving them what they want. Yeah, a private investigator should be listening to this. Someone said they haven't given you an Alexa device or anything similar, have they? I think if you thought you were being spied on you, you would probably not be foolhardy enough to use an Alexa device given by the people you thought were spying on you, right?

Right. No, they gave us a delightful plant last Christmas. It just makes a whirring noise every now and then. It's got a little glass bit in the pot that looks a bit like a lens. It's good to keep that polished. Yeah, it said to keep it polished, to keep the plant alive. And it's important not to let gifts die. Yeah.

And they placed it in our flat at a very specific angle. Someone said take your phone to the phone shop. Imagine going into the phone shop and being like, hello, can you check if this has been bugged by my parents-in-law? The phone shop would just be like, yeah, we'll check, and they'll go and walk away, stand in the corner and snigger a bit, and come back and be like, it's fine.

Yeah, they're not going to be able to check that. Maybe the sister is a rat. Maybe the sister's been turned. Oh, no. That's why they're getting this information, because she's turned snitch. Is the sister the private investigator? Maybe.

Either way, she's like Fredo from the godfather. Oh, no. Betrayed them. I can't believe the sister would do this. Well, she got together. again. Maybe she wants to be the daughter in law. So she's trying to get with her sister's husband and she thinks

that the best way to do this is to cozy up to the mad family. Cozy up to the family. Oast the sister. You know, when they get divorced because of all this bugging and paranoia, or she gets put in an institution, she sneaks in. Marries them, becomes

a new daughter-in-law. Maybe they're working together on it. So someone on the thread has said, if you have the conversation with your sister and they have the same sort of controlling relationship with her as they do with you? Are you quite sure they haven't forced her to tell them? Now they're torturing the sister.

They've got a PI, they're torturing her sister. I mean... Kiefer Sutherland, torturing the... Tell us what you know. No matter how much I loved this man, I would just leave. If this was the family that I was surrounded by, I'd be like, no, life's too short. Life's too short to be stuck with someone

whose parents bug your phone, hire an investigator and waterboard your sister to find out what you told her about your little day trip. It's true. Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed with George Ezra.

My four-year-old loves George Ezra, so I downloaded his album for her. Very disappointed that one of the last songs on the album has the following lyrics

very clearly sung. You can run, you can jump, might fuck it up. George Ezra. What have you done? Disappointed this four-year-old? I don't know

that George Ezra's target mark is four-year-olds. Which album would this be then? The latest one is staying at tomorrow's, isn't it? Uh-huh. I've searched for it on Amazon and it says, Explicit. To get the old explicit tag. Well, there we go then. This person's being unreasonable. We could move on. There's only one song on there that's marked as explicit,

but that's all it takes. Because you can run, you can jump, but you might fuck it up. But if there's anyone on there marked as explicit and they've downloaded it like this, Why didn't they just skip that one and not let the four-year-old listen to it? Yeah. You can't blame George Ezra, an adult man. For the fact that you saw that something was explicit

and still let your four-year-old listen to it. That's not George Ezra's fault. You can be disappointed if you like. Some people don't like swearing. I don't think you should buy George Ezra's album for this little girl anyway. It's going to teach them that it's all right to be driving shotgun, hanging in the hot sun.

It's going to teach that this child that's good music when objectively speaking, it clearly isn't. Yeah, it's going to make the child think that they could get used to this. Oh, I hate that song so badly. Music has swearing in it. Not all music. I didn't say all music has swearing in it. Don't not all music me about this.

It's just a thing you need to get used to. Like, my mum does not like swearing. My mom has no truck with swearing. I know, that's what the private investigator found. Well, I mean, I can't believe you wasted money on a private investigator. You could have just had a conversation with her. I just listened to things that she said. Sometimes it's easier to get a private investigator

than pay attention to a conversation. It really is. It means I get a nice printed report. That's good. My mum, no time for swearing. No time for swearing at all. Like when I was really little, we went to a bowling club, and they put an announcement out saying Bums on seats,

and my mum was like, there are children here. Why would you say Bum? But I don't remember ever being, like, censorious about albums. Like, if there's music on and there was swearing in it, she wouldn't react, I don't think. So it's like, well, that's just the way it is, isn't it? Yeah. You have to just accept that...

This is the milieu of contemporary music. And we know this. It's fine. One swear word in an entire album, I think, of anything, you should be pleased with George Ezra. She's done very well compared to many. She's been patting him on the back. Exactly. A medal for George Ezra.

Your music might be crap. Yeah, I said it. I said crap. This is not a podcast for four year. We put the explicit tag on iTunes. Of course we do. I'm always describing everyone as being fucking shit. Then again, if it is just the one swear,

it feels like you could probably cut that out without compromising your artistic integrity. He has no artistic integrity. Maybe that's the problem. George Ezra? It's not good music. George Ezra, who is riding shotgun, hanging in the hot sun,

you could get used to this. You need to hire a private investigator on George Ezra, if I know what other swears he said to get a printed list crap, bottom fuck, shit penis penis isn't a swear

it is for a four-year-old okay but four-year-olds have got a very strange sense of what's rude and what's not rude they do I think there should be two different types of tag you know how films like there's you and there's PG and there's 12

yeah they were talking about this on the Commoda Mayo podcast this week. So I think that for music there should be explicit and there should be one called rude and that's for children who are young who hear words and they think those words are rude. Like bum.

Yeah. Or like if it's got the word sex in it and you know that'll send a child into tis of giggling and saying rude. Well a lot of songs are about sex but don't talk about it like afternoon delight. That's fine though isn't it? We've been over this before. My opinion is if The kid understands, too late, if the kid doesn't understand, no harm done.

You've only got an issue if that kid then starts going around saying to inappropriate adults like, oh, you want to have some afternoon delight. But if the kid's young enough, they'll just be like, oh, that was very silly. And they'll laugh, and then they'll say to the kid like, oh, no, weird. Then they'll all laugh about it behind the kid's back. It's fine. I like that clip from Rainbow, where Zippy eats the banana. I don't know that I remember this clip.

You know, Zippy is the one with the zip I know The puppet with the zip He eats a banana Very suggestively Well, that's open to interpretation, isn't it? Whereas Yeah, like you can show a kid that

And it's just a puppet eating a banana But to a kid who's old enough It's... Yeah, rude Yeah, Zippy giving a blowjob to a banana Yeah, well, rude Rude I'd much rather than the hideously sexual lyrics

That are popular in so many songs Like baby shark Yeah what's that really about I see your baby shark George Ezra is probably equally disappointed in being reduced to a member of the Wiggles without his permission Imagine if that was true

Imagine if now that this thread's happened George Ezra's been disappeared in a van Next time we see him he's going to be one of the Wiggles Bundle him into a van That's how I see Bibi's get them They bundle them up And then turn them into child singers Like Michael Bubelle

Come with me, Boobley. Someone said, in our house swearing doesn't count if it's in a song. I think that's, I think I don't remember. But I think that's probably how it was in my house growing up. Yeah, Georgesra's audience is four-year-olds, definitely. He's trying to create an army of swearing white ace-swelling kids. Oh, I like this one. Hang on. One of my sons loves Ed Shearin.

His album contains the word, asshole. Without any input from us, he got the word, black pen and scribbled the word out on the lyric book and turned it down wherever it got to that part, he would have been six. Why have you raised this weird little boy? Good for you. I'm sure I've told the story on the podcast before, but there was a time I found a swear in a Jacqueline Wilson book and reported it to my grandma. You didn't cross it out though, did you? I didn't cross it out no, you shouldn't write in books. No. Imagine raising a child to think that it's appropriate to censor a lyric book.

and then telling this story proudly my son heard this lyric ripped the CD edited it so it covers up that son with a little chime and then rewrote the CD and then made copies and snuck them into every CD case

in HMV and that my friends is why HMV is in trouble because of children censoring lyrics exactly should do one more thread yes was I being unreasonable to get pizza delivery to Dee Dee's school for her birthday lunch.

I apparently am known as that parent and have been given the side-eye a few times I've gone in since. It was Dee-D's 16th last month on a school day. I ordered a few pizzas to be sent to her at lunchtime so she could share them with her mates in the common room. Teachers were not going to let her have them and when they relented, by that time they got cold, they made her and a few friends eat them in a separate meeting room

when she planned to share them, as there was enough for 20 people. I don't see it as being that different from me bringing in a forgotten lunchbox I also ordered flowers and a balloon to be delivered and school refused to let her have them until after school had finished I was trying to make Dee Dee's day special

I really didn't think it would have been that much of an issue which ruined it a bit for DD was I being unreasonable Oh my God How embarrassing! Imagine the sheer embarrassment for the kid When your mum's ordered flowers, a balloon Some pizzas

pizzas for 20 pizzas for 20 oh it makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about it yeah I'm imploding no no I'm surprised the pizza delivery company

agreed to deliver to a school maybe they thought it was for the teachers even then I'm surprised that they agreed to deliver to a school address yeah it seems crazy that's where the people will deliver anywhere I suppose so yeah I've had pizzas deliver to university addresses before

actually my old job we have pizzas delivered there but yeah how do you even deal with this as a teacher you get enough pizzas for 20 children delivered and then what like you don't know who they've come from necessarily yeah what do you do you can't just give them to the kids because then they'll start ordering their own pizzas every week this is the thing she's like oh you know it's just this one time but if there's enough for 20 then what if those 19 friends have parents who also do this and then 20 times a year, there's pizza turning up to school. Yeah, this sets a terrible precedent.

And, I'm going to get on my high horse here, but... When Jamie's school dinners came to my school and showed people living in poverty, delivering chips to their kids, that was like some big moral panic, wasn't it? Oh no, look, a fat poor woman is trying to give her kid a lunch that her kid wants. When some middle-class bitch delivers a bunch of pizzas to a school, suddenly it's all about her rights. No, I'm glad that the rules have been applied.

equally here. Furious. Absolutely furious. You know, this woman's on mum's net, so you know that she's a sort of didn't let her kid touch a drop of sugar until she was seven. And you know that if that had been a poor fat woman delivering any sort of fast food, she would be first in line to be on mum's net, like, I'm disgusted, someone at my daughter's school is terrible, this has happened, I think it sets a bad example, no one who's got an obesity crisis, people don't deserve nice things. You just know that they're the same class of person, the sort of person who sends pizza for 20 and flowers and balloons to a skung and is known as that parent is bound to be the same person who's judging people for buying a meal from Iceland because it works out the cheapest way

to get the most calories. Furious. I think it would be a double standard. I don't think they'd let the pizzas in, but I do think they'd let Jamie Oliver in. Jamie Oliver wrapped up for the birthday. All right kids, I'm going to make a 15 minute meal. I thought it was bad when she was sending pizza, but imagine if someone sent Jamie Oliver as your birthday treat. Would you rather have as a birthday treat come to the school? And I think I know the answer. Jamie Oliver or re-drummed? Redrumand, obviously.

Redrammed the pioneer woman. Yeah, re-drummon the private. She would turn up in her big old SUV. She would have driven there from the ranch. Everything would be an individual little baggies. Oh yeah, she'd have homemade meal kits. Even if it was a pizza, she would deliver it in such a way that it would look like a forgotten lunchbox,

because that is what she does. That's her aesthetic, and I love her from the bottom of my heart. She'd think nothing of driving to the school, because she has to drive, like, three hours to get to the other side of her property. Exactly. Okay, re-drum and or Paul Hollywood, City Bake. I do not want Paul Hollywood to come and deliver me anything on my birthday. Okay, so we're still redrumand.

Let's cut this short. It's always going to be re-drammed. And now that you've introduced this idea that re-drummed might turn up on one's birthday, you've really set the bar high for my next birthday, which is a big one that ends in a zero. 50 Exactly I'm turning 50 I've looked after myself pretty well

Which is why you'd never know To look at my face So I think I think I've earned Re Drummond turning up in her SUV to my place of work For the meal kit You better organise that

No for real Sorry I got quite angry about that And I don't know for sure Pizza Mum That's her username Pizza Mum I'd like to me That's always been her username

And isn't it a new one for this scenario Let's outline what the differences are between bringing in a forgotten lunchbox and having pizzas for 20 children delivered. Okay. One, the lunchbox is for one child, your child, and not 19 other children. That's a good start. Two, it involves you doing labour rather than paying someone else to do labour. Very true. The lunchbox is very small.

Yes. The 20 pizzas are very big. Yes. Lunchboxes are allowed and pizzas are not. Yep. These are all good points. It is quite different from bringing in a forgotten lunch box. It's very different, isn't it?

And like a pizza delivery guy on a motorbike coming into a school. I can't imagine any school that would let someone on a moped with their big pizza hot bag come in. Just for like security reasons. They're a bit funny about letting people into school premises. A parent, it'd be like, well, that's fine, that's a parent. They probably got their name on a system somewhere. That's how they succeed with the flowers and the balloon. What do you intend the kid to do with the flowers and balloon?

Put them on the desk? In every classroom they go to. Yeah, because they might go to multiple classrooms during the day. What if they've got like PE? Yeah. What are they going to do? Be running around, like trying to play netball with one hand because they're clutching their bouquet with the other.

Nonsense. This is, it's just so embarrassing. Like, why did you order flowers and a balloon to be delivered to school? Why didn't you have flowers and a balloon waiting so that when she got home from school? we've already talked about how cringe this is but I didn't listen properly so I didn't notice that it's the child's 16th birthday and I was envisioning like primary school kids no no if I was 16 I wouldn't want my mum bringing my forgotten lunchbox

when you're 16 you don't want anyone to remember you have parents yeah when you're 16 the very notion that you have a parent is embarrassing yeah I'd envisioned all this for a small child. So the flowers and the balloon for the small child is quite comical. For the 16 year old, it's mortifying. And now, I was trying to make D.D.'s day special. I really didn't think it would have been that much of an issue, which has ruined it a bit for D.D. No, it's not the school making an issue of it that ruined it for D.D. It's the fact that you did all this weird, inappropriate stuff that ruined it for D.D. surely? Yeah. I think if you'd had pizza at home, great, good birthday, good work.

Flowers and balloon I can live without, but, you know, I appreciate the thought. But you've had it delivered to school. That's the problem. Can we also just step back? This says, it was DD 16th last month. Why are you dwelling on it and starting a thread now? A month has elapsed, and now you're like, no, still pretty mad. This is pizza mom's origin story. This is how she became pizza mom. I really want to believe she's always being pizza mom delivering pizzas to children on their birthday

and getting turned away from schools up and down the land Yeah, she has to sneak in, disguised as Jamie Oliver because they let him in Yeah Well, I'm Jamie Oliver I'm going to make a healthy 15 minute meal Okay, in you come Jamie Oliver

Thanks, thanks for coming to the school Look around Here you go kids, it's some pizza really It's not me, it's pizza mum so we hear from the thread It's a great idea But my DD's would have been mortified if I'd done that On the other hand

A very rich, posh, eccentric friend of ours Used to have his family wine merchant Deliver cases of wine to his boarding school And his housemaster would sign for them On the condition that he got a few bottles for himself Poshos Poshos can get wine delivered to school Poor kids can't even sneak a fucking twixt in

Because the biscuit to chocolate ratio isn't fair Furious. Got rid of our turkey twislers, didn't they? They did. Took away the one source of joy in our little lives. I wish that the way that they'd gone about fixing school menus have been to Marie Condo them. Hold a twister in your hand.

Does this spark joy? Yes. Yeah, all you'd end up with is turkey twizzlers. Hold this finely blended veg dumped into a vat of pissata in your hand. Does this spark joy? No, and now this pissata on all my stuff. We had quite lumpy mash for our school dinners. quite regularly. I didn't really eat the school dinners.

Lumpy mash. Big lumps of potato in there. Lumps of potato in a chip, in chip form, as a chip, great. Big lumps of potato in your mash. No, what you want? You're not bad by mashed. Never ate the school dinners. You used to take packed lunch, or I used to stop at the Marks and Spencer's food hall on my school and get a nice pasta salad. I don't know why I'm telling that story at the same time as telling a story that makes me sound like a working-class hero. at my school

oh no I stopped from Marks and Spencer's pasta salad on route to school we all exist in multitudes if children aren't allowed to order pizza to the school normally then you should not be able to of course I'm not there is also probably safeguarding issues around having delivery people on the school ground

I know everyone who comes into my local school needs to be properly signed in even if it's just for a few minutes which takes time You can't just have, you know, random people rock up to the school, because it's a risk. You can't just have Jamie Oliver waltz up. You can't just have George Ezra come in and perform for your daughter's birthday. I mean, this is, I think this person sums it up.

Gosh, it's literally unbelievable. It is unbelievable. It is unbelievable. Am I being unbelievable? Pizza mum came back and said, D.D. actually suggested it herself. She was waiting for them. D.D. sounds like a brat. she's done well to realise that you can't always get what you want

because sometimes what you want is wildly inappropriate for the context D-D sounds like Regina George Regina George would never touch a pizza But she'd want pizzas delivered because she could That's true The AP also said it was a Friday anyway I didn't realise it was a Friday Oh it's Friday

Anything goes on Friday You know Friday Friday when all the security at school just has the day off Yeah Oh yeah just have the pieces delivered it's Friday Got to get down on Friday. Can you get used to this? No, nonsense.

Nonsense. We do one more speed round. Yeah, wrap it up. Am I being unreasonable to not want to go by train? Yeah, trains, great. We got a train to Germany the other week instead of the plane, and it was terrific. It was. Thanks, European rail.

I've also just noticed that on the side of my mum's net, it's gone now, but I had an advert for overnight Eurostar trains to the French Alps. And to be honest, as soon as we stop recording, I'll be in. investigating that one. Am I being unreasonable to want Gordon Brown back as Prime Minister? No, he was great. Taken down by that bigoted woman. That bigoted woman, Gillian Duffy. Am I being unreasonable to have no time for nonsense anymore?

Not at all. Me neither. Am I right? What is nonsense. I'm scared to open that thread. Such nonsense. I just worry... It's all nonsense nowadays.

I worry that if we opened that thread, the nonsense they'd be referring to would be like, rights and equality for people different to themselves. This is mum's net. That's fine. Am I being unreasonable Chardonnay? Yeah. And am I being unreasonable to consider ripping my head off to alleviate

neck and shoulder pain? No. You do you, girl. You do you? Yeah. Thanks for listening. It's a good idea. You get anything to plug, girls? I've got nothing to plug. Nothing at all. I've been doing more culture writing recently, so

if you want to check that out, it's a medium.com slash at SimonXIX. I wrote one last week on David Lynch's adverts for the Sony PlayStation 2 and how there's only actually one of them and what this says about surrealism in culture in general. Cool. So go and have a read of that.

Share it with your friends. That sounds good. Yeah, great. Well, we'll see you next time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to us. Bye. Bye.

when I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.