You Are Being Unreasonable - 045 - In which we discuss the 'popular' idiom, "Head down, ass up."

Episode Date: May 23, 2019

"The day you were born was the only day you'll show up to a room full of people naked." So we really earn the 'explicit' tag this week as we discuss lewd song lyrics, blokes on the train effing and blinding, men weighing themselves completely naked, and whether it's reasonable to leave an adult sleepover to go and have sex. Don't let children listen to this. We also get into the differences between polo and water polo, putting your bare bum on the seat in an Uber, the implications of the ULEZ zone in London, the social etiquette of leaving a party, a textual analysis of 'Face Down A-- Up' by 2 Live Crew, and the various travails of Ben across the threads.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day. Hello.

Hello. Welcome to You Are Being Unreasonable, a podcast of a podcast of a podcast of a, people being unreasonable on mumsnet.com. That's right, diving into the mumsnet, am I being a reasonable board and sniffing out the choiceless truffles among the dirt? Yeah, are you a little mumset piggy now? I mean, I don't look for the threads. Wow. So, European elections are this week, does Mumsnet get better or worse around elections? Is there a lot of politicking going on? I think they've got separate boards for that. They've definitely got a Brexit board, and it's the one thing they moderate seemingly in real time

is they move anything about Brexit onto that straight away. Wow. 24-hour mum's netters. They don't moderate it in real time when people are being racist or transphobic or any of the other bigotries, but mostly on mumset, it's racism and transphobia. But I think if you try to mention politics, they do moderate it in real time. It's like Twitter, wait. You can't say the word bitch, but you can question someone to all identity.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's the one. So you haven't seen much politics on the Am I being an unreasonable board? No, and no one cares. If I had, we wouldn't be making a podcast this week because I'd be busy flushing my own head down the toilet. I see. Anything but that.

The rare self-s swirling. I just, I don't want to see it. I don't want to know about it? No. Because they do that thing, don't they? We're politicians have to go on Mum's Net nowadays. Like Jeremy Corbyn has to do an I-A-M-A on Mum's Net. Yeah, he did one.

and they just, like, asked him loads of questions about jam, and then they got absolutely incensed about jam, and then by the time they got onto the real questions, I think he'd lost all patience, and so he got a bit snippy with them. Oh, no. I mean, I have heard enough stories that suggest that he's quite a snippy man anyway.

The nation's couldn't be old man. But even with the backspace key, he was sniping at them because they told him that his jam was bad. Hey, if someone said my jam was bad, I'd be pretty peeved, pretty peered. Jam yesterday, jammed tomorrow, jam for mums, isn't it? That's Corbyn's approach. Should we do a speed round? Am I being unreasonable about ham or is DH? D-Hs. Am I being unreasonable to get artificial grass? Uh, depends what you're

getting it for? Amma being unreasonable? Champions League ban at wedding. Uh, no, no, ban that football. You don't want it at your wedding. Am I being unreasonable? Is it too soon? It's never too soon. Go for it. Follow your dreams. Reach for your heart. And I'm being unreasonable to dub these men into their work. Not a pearl clutcher in general, but I'm in two minds on this one. Yesterday, on the very crammed train, there are a group of about a dozen blokes,

essentially effing and blinding and cunting at top volume all the way home, just generally being very vocal, laddish and objectionable, including having a great old joke at the jumper who would cause problems on the line that evening. my little cousin was with me but I still chickened out in confronting them and as per usual did the very British thing of seething impotently instead

they were all in their company polo shirts part of me wants to contact their company and let them know about it part of me thinks I'm sounding like a grumpy old woman before my time looking to mum setters to give my head a wobble either way on this one straight onto the snitches her

always snitching no messing this week straight onto the snitches like 25% this board is snitches so it's only fair to represent that we need to represent them once a week we do a snitch

all in their company polo shirts yeah like a polo team outfit for the company I'd like to believe the company is indeed a polo team it was a polo team they had their

rackets I don't know what you have for polo those long sticks right I'm talking about horse polo, not water polo. Yeah, okay. I think it's just polo and water polo. Horse polo. Did you have that game at school, though, called polo, where you just ran between two walls?

P-O-L-O-P-O-Polo. No. It's a rubbish game. You just pick two walls that are quite close together, and then you said like a category. And if that category was you, then you had to run between them and shout, P-O-L-O-P-O-P-O-O-Polo.

We had that game, but we didn't shout polo. Oh. Because I don't know why. I don't know why we did. Did Jamie Oliver put a stop to that when he came to your school? This was primary school. No. It's just the working class children of London trying to be like their middle class peers.

We play polo too. Squire. When I was going up, I didn't understand the massive difference between polo and water polo. So I thought water polo was just a water version of it. What's the horses? It's got all wet. Horses can swim, though. Yeah.

Probably not in a pool. Not in a pool because they couldn't get out. I think they need a gentle incline. Most pools you have to walk through a changing room. Imagine if you're in a changing room and a pool, like a horse comes trotting through. You'd be like, Jesus. Wash your feet. You need to wash your feet before you go in the pool.

You need to step in the... Never mind. Anyway, back to this. They're wearing polo shirts. Company polo shirts. Yeah. The name of the company on. So let's say, Bank of England.

all over the polo shirts. I don't know that the Bank of England have matching polo shirts. I was about to say, what sort of company wears polo shirts? Builders. Builders. Yeah, I'm thinking it's like to trade.

Yeah, plumbers. I was thinking that these were, like, bankers. Like, posh, posh, bankers on the way to Ascot when you were reading it. But then we get to the polo shirts. So I think they're not bankers. No.

Of a more skilled job. Can I focus on a different bit at the thread for a moment. They were effing and blinding and cunting. No! No, that's not a thing. Effing and blinding is a thing.

Yeah, that's true. It suggests that they think that blinding, that blind is a swear word. Yeah. Because effing, we know what that means. Blinding don't know, but it's part of effing and blinding. And cunting is, we know what that means.

Like, that's quite abrasive word. And if that's one of the words, words they were saying, effing and blinding would still encompass that they were saying words that you don't want to hear. Yeah, that's what the blinding comes. You don't need to say they were cunting everywhere. That's horrible. That sounds like bunting gone drastically wrong. Oh. I have actually seen someone do like a burlesque act where they had 10 metres of that and they pulled it from there. But I don't think that's what these people were doing in their polo shirts. I'm trying to find out what blinding means. What would it be?

I don't know. What a mystery? What a mystery? This person suggests it's blimey. Why would you say, they're not the same? Oh, it could come from the expression to swear blind. Oh, that makes sense. We don't know, but we do know, cunting's not a word. That's not a word.

And I just think if you're so precious that you're going to dobs someone in. Look, no one likes lads talking on the train, whether they're talking quietly to each other or effing and blinding very loudly. top volume. Top volume, yeah. Top volume. They can't go any higher. Yeah, no one likes lads.

Effing are you blinding! Top volume! They're frozen raw. They're froze raw. A teenage voice. Spitting flecks from their mouths. Voices breaking everywhere. This is breaking because they're at top volume.

Epson blinds breaking. It's the loudest thing in the train. Oh dear. No one likes this. No one likes the lads. Especially making distasteful jokes about people who've had the misfortunes fall on the tracks. Not cool, but you can just move carriages. Yeah. And like, dubbing them into a conductor who goes past is fine. What's the conductor going to do?

The conductor's just like, there to check tickets and make sure the doors open. Yeah, I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm saying it's more acceptable than dubbing them into their workplace. Yeah, they're not at work. Yeah. This is a little bit like when you're at school and someone's on a bus in their school uniform and they do something objectionable and then someone... I've seen all the local papers. Yeah, someone complains. I saw a woman from St. Michael's going,

everything in blinding. Exactly. You have to sit through an assembly where they're like, oh, we're all representing the school while we're in our uniforms and we're all part of the same gang. Don't be involved in gang crimes.

We're the Kidbrook School gang. That's the thing that actually happened when I was at school. I was like, we are literally not that gang. You've just made everyone who's not in a gang, be part of a gang, and everyone who isn't a gang, hate you.

And Jamie Oliver put an end to gang culture at Kidbrook, famously. Wow. Yeah. Like, it's infantilising, though. It's the same line of argument as if you're in a school uniform, you're representing your school. These are grown adults.

Yeah. If they were walking around with T-shirts that had their mother's mobile number on, it also wouldn't be acceptable to call that mobile number and tell them, tell their mum's on them. But as we know from MomsNet previously, that would be a safeguarding issue. That would be a safeguarding issue. You're not allowed to print any personal information on. t-shirts because of GDPR. Exactly.

Because of the EU, probably. I don't know. I don't see that board. As I said, they move it all, they move it all. Maybe that's what's going on over there. Do you want to hear from the thread? Absolutely not. Yes, their behaviour wasn't ideal,

but imagine we all took to reporting people being loud slash swearing on public transport. Maybe learn to drive if you're so offended. Well, it's a bad take. I was with that one, right, until they said, you have to learn to drive now. I mean, I can't drive. but even if I could, I wouldn't drive to work

because I work in the congestion charge zone, in the U-L-L-L-E-L-Zone, and, you know, I'd have to get a very particular type of car and pay God-N-N-N-N-N-O-N-N-W-N-E-Z, and there's nowhere to park it anyway, and it's very bad for the environment. I've never heard the U-L-L-Z I've never seen it written down,

and I assumed it was U-L-E-Z. But the way you pronounce it sounds very sapphic. I've actually only heard it referred to as such by somebody who I was talking to for work reasons who was explaining why they could not come to something. Sorry, London-centric jokes. Yeah, anyway, ultra-low emissions zone. Good for the planet, but... Yeah, nothing to do with lesbians.

Lesbians drive too, Simon. They're allowed. Yeah, but they're not herded into the U-Less zone. The only place they can... What a place to work, that would be. I get what you're saying. If they're in uniform, they are still representing their company, even at her off the clock. But I really wouldn't bother. Yeah, fairs. Yeah. Fares. I really wouldn't bother. Should be the mantra of this board. Yeah, it really should. And then last one,

sorry, what? You want to let their work know that they were swearing. And what do you expect their work to do about it? Which is a very good question. Another good question. All level heads here today. I think that's important. Every time someone on mum's that wants to dobs someone in, you know they won't be satisfied with dobing them in. They'll want to know they'll want to know the outcomes and now froth at the mouth until they've heard that someone's been fired. And so it's easier to not dobb them in and not waste any of their energy further by being like, I haven't heard they've been fired yet. Just, they can't do anything. Don't dobb them in.

I really wouldn't bother. And for the record, if you object to swearing that much, don't say cunting. That's just not a thing. Am I being unreasonable to this is a bit rude? I assume this should say to think this is a bit rude, but they're probably so busy frothing at the mouth. has a friend at work who separated from his wife about a year ago. He and D.H. don't socialise outside of work and D.H. is always saying about how this guy, let's call him Ben, has been enjoying life since separation using online dating apps.

D.H. has arranged an evening at our house for him. He's best friend and D.S. 12 to watch some big football final in a couple of weeks. D.H. is providing food in the form of pizza, nachos, etc. and beer for the adults. He told me he has now invited Ben So we will need to buy an airbed As one mate will be on the sofa So there won't be room for Ben to sleep And he needs to stay as he wants to drink

He came home from lunch today And remind me about his plans But mentioned that Ben will probably have a few drinks And leave after the food and football As he will want to get late This seems a little rude To come for a sleepover type of end Eat the food and drink the beer provided

Then sod off for a better option D.H says I'm being unreasonable He's entitled to do what he wants But if I was going to a planned sleepover at a friend's house, I wouldn't drop everyone partway through for a meaningless hump. D.H. said it's a perfectly normal thing for men to do, and it isn't rude in the slightest. I said that as we're having to purchase an airbed from my pretty skint at the moment, for someone who may or may not stay, it is a bit rude. And surely someone can not have sex just for one planned evening to spend time with their friends? Am I being unreasonable?

So this person would be rude to come over at last minute and stay because they'd have to have to. to buy an airbed. Yes. But he's also rude to leave. Yes. Because his reason for leaving is not valid. Yes. Right. Seems like poor Ben is screwed either way, so to speak. Ben, in this time of transition in his life where he's broken up with his long-term partner and all that, jazz, he needs some normal friends. Not a friend to invite him to a sleepover, which strikes me a slightly unusual behaviour for some adults. It does seem strange. And not friends who insist on knowing in advance and buying an airbed, which is like a big passive-aggressive gesture. Like, well, the airbed is here for you now, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Oh, are you going to go and get laid, Ben?

What about the airbed, won't you? Take it with you? What about the airbed, Ben? Why don't you bed down on the airbed with your whore? Isn't there a friend sleep on a sofa in the same room? Yeah. If they all live close enough that they can viably leave, why would anyone's day. Yeah, just get a taxi or a lift or something. Get the bus. Yeah, one way or another. Goodness me, there's got to be ways to escape from this passive-aggressive hornet's nest. It sounds horrible. Yeah, at least there's pizza and beer for adults. Yeah, hang on, there's a 12-year-old at this party. Why is he going to this party? Ben, just go out and meet someone and do what you want to do. Yeah, Ben, you can do better than this.

Why don't you find a nice bar that's showing the match that you want to watch and watch it there and then hope that at the end of the game you can find someone that you can go home with or take home with you or whatever? But don't sleep on an airbed where there's a 12-year-old eating nachos. Yeah. You've done a great job, Ben, of finding people to have sex with. Just try and find some friends. Yeah.

Who aren't this man that you know from work. Yeah, and he's weird wife who's going to be upstairs watching Netflix and working and seething about a mattress. And he's 12-year-old son. Yeah. No, Ben, you can do better. We're reaching out to you here, Ben. Ben, if you want to hang out with us, you're welcome to, we won't ever invite you for a sleepover, and we won't buy you an airbed. No, you can go home whenever you want.

We'd like that better. Yeah, just say, I'm going to get laid now and walk out the door. Yeah, great. Yeah, we'll escort you out. Please do. We'll make sure the stair light is on for you to get out safely. I was hanging out with some friends the other night, and... One of them bought an airbed?

No. Okay. one of them brought an airbed I'm staying and getting late oh no goodness me no I was having dinner

with some friends and like the worst part of having dinner with friends for me is I tend to like to go to bed fairly early so I'm usually the first one to leave and I find it

uncomfortable to say I'm going home now because there's no way to do that there's no good way to do that I've opted for I'm going to go home now because it feels more honest and like, well, I should be turning in, because I don't like that.

That's weird. Yeah, why would you say, well, I should be... Well, I better be hitting the old dusty trail. It's just like, oh, you know, thanks for a lovely time. I think I'm going to head off. Great to see you. Yeah. I don't really see why that's...

I just said I'm going to go home now. Then I said, like, thanks for a lovely time. Yeah. And did anyone say, we bought you an airbed? No. But I was thinking... a good way to do this, to approach this social problem I have, would just to be to stand up and say, I'm going to get laid and wander out,

unless you're at the party, then it really wouldn't work. Yeah, that would be super awkward. We're going to get laid with each other. No, I still don't do that. No. I don't mind being the one to take the flack for social things. If you want to leave a party, just say, and I'll pretend that one of the cats is sick, or I've got a cold.

But don't loudly announce that we're going to get laid, That's not how you interact It's not the done thing That's what Ben does Do you think maybe that's what Ben meant all along Bed has no intention of seeing anyone that night But Ben is just like, I don't want to go to this sleepover With this 12 year old and all the nachos

And the pizza and the passive-aggressive wife That's what's Ben's done Ben's figured out a way to deal with this problem I have He's set himself a hard deadline Like 10 o'clock I've got an appointment with a hot lady I need to scarper But he's just going home to sleep

and read his book in peace. I said as we're having to purchase an airbed from a pretty skint for the moment, just for someone who may or may not stay, it's a bit rude. Well, just don't buy the airbed. I'm sure that Ben never said buy an airbed. If Ben does change his mind and want to sleep over, say, well, you can sleep on these cushions on the floor. Yeah.

Or bring your own sleeping bag or whatever. Someone might have a yoga mat. You know, you'll find a way. It won't be the comfiest night of sleep Ben's had. They'll be full of nachos. It'll be full of nachos. Being a nacho coma. You know what Ben's like for nachos?

Pen goes wild for nachos. Ben is as crazy about nachos as he's about sex. Yeah, quite the player. Always playing dem nachos. Sex every other night. Nachos, the other nights, when he's not having sex. Yeah. So three or four times a week he has nachos.

Yeah, and three or four times a week he has sex. Yeah, I like that for some reason he's a mutually exclusive in Ben's life. Sure. You don't know to fill up on natures beforehand. I think it's fine for Ben to leave, just as long as you don't have to buy an airbed. Yeah, lots of people are saying... Yeah, don't buy the airbed. Lots of people are saying, like, just don't buy an airbed.

Someone said, you're being unreasonable, I'd much rather go somewhere after my night for a shag than sleep on an air mattress in a room with someone I didn't know. Mm-hmm. Yeah, fair enough. If he was meant to be going home afterwards, then it wouldn't really be your business what he was up to afterwards. And that's a good point, too. If he just said, like, nah, I might start. I might go home.

Would she be so incensed? I don't know, maybe she would. But she's interjecting herself into a grown man's life. A grown man's sex life. Yeah. And then, we'll end on this one. Maybe your DH assumed that Ben was staying and he doesn't fancy it. Also, they're adults and they don't have to have sleepovers if they don't want to.

I think that's true. You don't have to have sleepovers if you don't want to. I assume that all of our listeners are adults. Yeah. Don't imagine we have many children listening. Well, no, we put the explicit tag on. for a reason. We've used the word cunting several times.

Just a reminder. You don't have to have a sleep over. You don't have to have a sleep over if you don't want to. No, they're not compulsory. Let's do another thread. Am I being unreasonable to be fed up with my husband, the diet bore? My husband has been in the diet slash weight loss regime since January.

He's doing well and has lost a fair amount. However, I'm so tired of the daily commentary, the list of calories in everything that he and I eat. It's becoming very boring and irritating. He has a spreadsheet for everything and made one for me too. I didn't ask him to.

He'll also tell me the calorie count of everything, including what me and the kids are eating. Twice a day, he strips off all his clothes in the kitchen to use the scales. Usually coinciding with me and the kids eating breakfast and dinner, and we have to take an interest in what his current weight is. It's all such a performance. Apparently, he can't do it in the bathroom due to the. the lighting. I was supportive in the beginning, but now I'm bored with it all. It's literally we can't seem to discuss anything else. Am I being unreasonable? I think I probably am.

But the diet is boring me. There's something strange about this story. I can't quite put my finger on. Like we've had diet wars before and there's lots of diet wars. But there's something about this man's behavior that I can't quite figure out that's strange, that's more unusual than most of the other diet puts. Oh, it's a stripping completely naked in the kitchen. To use the scales. There we go. There we go. Yeah. That's awful. Is he using the kitchen scales? Like the ones where you check, you've done enough rice for the number of people? Do you like clambering into the kitchen scales? The ones where you put the right amount of pasta, but once the pasta's done, it's too much pasta? Yeah.

Yeah, it sounds like Yeah, so he's just down the little salt of scales With his nads out It's like, oh, these only go up to a kilo But I guess, if they only got up to a kilo Does that mean anything above and beyond a kilo They've hit their maximum weight anyway So he's like, I've done so well

I'll weigh one kilogram I'm the one kilogram man No, he's just measuring himself, weighing himself Lots of different times Bit by bit like he's putting his knee in there One key, no I mean he's measuring himself One kilo, another two kilo lowest. You have to really focus where you're putting, no. I was just like laying a hand in there

and then laying another. Yeah. Like dropping your stomach into it. She's there like, I was going to weigh out the dinner, but now your tummy's in there. Now you've had your balls in the scales. Yeah. Do balls change weight when you go on a diet? I need to measure out the kid's cereal in there. But now it's ball tainted. Oh, oh no. Not ball cereal. Ball cereal. Starts the day. It really is. And they've had to see their dad's nads. Yeah, in the scales.

They know how much their dad's nads way. Yeah. But fortunately, he's, you know, been doing a lot of weightlifting, so he's ripped. He's fucking ripped. Yeah, but... He's got those abs, those cum gutters. But I mean, his chest is just glorious and glistening. Like a cheese grater.

Yeah. Washboard abs. He's like early Arnold Schwarzenegger, before he became the Terminator and the governor. when he was just a triangle of a man. Weighing himself in the kitchen scales. Yeah. You can see every muscle, every sinew. Laying each muscle in the kitchen scales one by one.

Welcome to the gun show, kids and wife. I have a breakfast. I mean, why does the lighting matter? Why does you need better lighting? Show off, because it's a gun show. If your bathroom is so poorly lit that you cannot see what the scales say, just sort out your bathroom. Yeah.

Getting down to your undercrackers in the kitchen and using the kitchen scales to weigh yourself is not going to address the bigger issue which is your bathroom is pitch black all the time, like a cave. Yeah, less time working on those abs, less time defining those congoers and more time, just replacing the light bulb in the bathroom. Yeah, exactly.

Listen, you don't need to get naked to weigh yourself. For all things that require, you know, to do a weight thing, like to do a bunch of you jump or whatever. You'll be doing in your clothes. So just include those as part of your weight. Yeah, but I've worked with diet bores. I've met diet bores and they do everything they can to like game the scales. They seem to forget they have to like exist in their body in its normal state and all they care about is what they weigh at weigh in. So I used to know women who'd be like I've got weight in tonight so I'm not going to drink any water. Why? You're just going to go to

weigh in and you're going to feel dreadful. You're going to have a migraine. You might pass out. For the tiny amount of weight that that will make a difference of, the moment you leave weight in, you're going to have like four litres of water, and then you're going to feel terrible. It's like when gaming the scales, because you have to go about your day in the body that you're in. It's like this abstract idea of the human body, like free of any modifications or things that you normally wear on your body. Like, are you going to take off all your rings,

are you going to take out any piercings, and just be unadorned as you came into this world? Yeah, like... Covered in goo and crying. The only time that I can see that it might make a difference is taking your shoes off, and that's because I think shoes weigh more than other stuff. Oh yeah.

And that gives you a rough indication, and yeah, it will come up as slightly more than your body ways, because there'll be clothes and stuff. Yeah, but you don't have to be buck naked, like the day you were born. No, because the day you were born was the only day that you would show up to a room full of people, naked unless you're living a life very different to the one I live but even then yeah even if you are going to the big old sex parties I assume you can't arrive naked because how did you travel there it's a good question house very good question get in an Uber and put your bum all over the seat they'll charge you the cleaning fee 60 pounds how dirty is the bum

if it's a clean bum I'd like to believe that the Uber had been cleaned before I got in if someone had put their bare ass on the seats. It was a very clean ass. No. Yeah, if someone's leaving skid marks on my Uber, I'm going to have worse. I mean, a diet ball would make sure that their bomb was pristine clean because a skid mark might have a weight attached to it.

Oh. I hadn't hit Target, but it was just spare poo. Disgusting. I mean, by this logic, you should make sure to pee before you get on the scales. Yeah, people I knew who did, like, slimming world at my old job. They did that. Like spit a load before you get on the scales, get rid of all that saliva. Blow your nose.

Wax out the ears, blow your nose, shave, your entire body. Yeah. Take out any hair bands and stuff, though, because they're all adding. If you have a pacemaker, you're going to have to get that out. Yeah. Because that is just metal, that's just weight, weighing you down. But when I worked with all the Sliming World obsessives, one of them used to say, like, oh, I've got Sliming World tonight, so I won't drink any water,

I won't do any of this, I won't do any of that, and I'll just go home for a poo, and then I'll just go home for a poo, and then I'll go, like, if you're not drinking any water for 24 hours because you're slimming world, how do you intend to go for a poo? Yeah. This isn't even the most egregious thing in my mind, though. Twice a day. What difference do you think it's going to make later in the day?

Who knows? But the thing that I think is the very worst part of this, he's made a spreadsheet for everything that he eats and everything that she eats, she didn't ask him to. Could you imagine if you were going about your business, you're like, trying to get on with something and I'm like Simon here's your updated spreadsheet it's got all the calories you've consumed you're like I didn't ask for this yeah I think that's borderline abusive if someone did that to me I know I've got a weird relationship with food and calories and whatever because of what Jamie Oliver did yeah because explicitly because of

Jamie Oliver and not because of a society that tells women they should take up the least possible space it's that um but if someone made a calorie of everything I ate I would that's emotional an abuse. I'm sorry, but it is. 1247. Dairyly Cheese Triangle. I was going to say it's 1247 the daily calorie intake, because that's quite good going. No, this is timing.

Oh, never mind. Is that like 20 calories? Dairyly... Cheese Triangle. I don't know. These are habits I've trained myself out of. Yeah. Despite what Jamie Oliver might know. Have as many dearly cheese triangles as you want. Ben, just eat those triangles. Just take

your own nachos. Do you think that Ben is the partner here? Do you think this is the person that Ben divorced? This is why Ben is now single. This is the prequel. This whole thread is about Ben. Ben was effing and cunting on the train. Yeah, I'm going to football.

Then I'm going to have a shag. I say, very uncouth. Yeah, and then this is when Ben's wife left him because Ben was always getting down to his pants and stepping in the kitchen scales. Yeah, but it made him absolutely ripped. That's why he can have so much attention from the ladies. Oh, well, at least something's come of Ben's terrible diet habits. Yeah.

And then the other thing, like, he talks about what the kids are eating. Do you want your kids to have a complex for life? While he's flexing on the scales. Yeah, like Johnny Bravo. They're children. Should we hear from this ride? Can you suggest a weekly weigh in at the gym? No, you can't stip his kit off at the gym

Or get arrested Maybe if he starts to get a gauge on where and when to take his clothes off That will slowly No, it's a very, it's a different kind of gym Where you're supposed to get completely naked The sauna? That's it, yeah, a sauna Like the sauna like they have in Edinburgh

Yeah, it's like the Ulaz zone, but for men The OP came back and said, I've tried to address the stripping off As I've been telling my son who's eight That people should get dressed in private and he sees his dad doing it every day, so very mixed messages. The excuse is that the scales are solar-powered and our bathroom has no windows. It could be better off just buying some battery-powered scales, wouldn't they?

Yeah, buy different scales. I'm sure, like, can't they go in the bedroom? The bedroom must have windows. It's not like you need a shaft of duet sunlight, pouring on it. Pouring on to his adonis-like body. Just lit from the side. Pouring through the window, like the beam of light in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Let's do another thread.

What's Ben up to this time? Am I being unreasonable? Head down, ass up. Ben! D.H. and I have been having a conversation with D.D. about studying for exams. She's not been applying herself, so I was saying she needs to put down the phone and get working hard if she wants to see results. I use the phrase, head down, ass up. Meaning, get working hard and forget all distractions.

I've heard it many times in my fourth. 40 years and that's what it's always meant. When D.D. left the room, D.H. said, you need to stop saying that. I asked why and he informs me that the lyrics to a song with sexual meaning. I looked it up and it is! I feel weird now as D.D. is 18 and probably knows this song. Though I'm pretty sure she knows that's not what I'm talking about. It's left me very bothered. Am I being unreasonable to think this was actually a phrase that means exactly what I think long before it became a song with another meaning.

I started to search for this to find the song, but things have gone very wrong in my searching. Oh, Lordy Lou. Yeah. Oh, all the search results that I can see are from porn websites. Maybe you should put safe search on. Okay, face down, ass up by the two live crew. Is that it?

I guess so. The only other result is the very thread that we're reading. but she's heard it many times in her 40 years which made me think it was a song from the 70s or the 60s like a bawdy vaudeville tune head down ass up red down ass up get to work get to work like a boss an over number

head down ass up like a bond theme like Shirley Bassett head down Asso Asso I mean Now the style of the Beatles

There are too many styles That could be the Beatles Like which era Which album The White album Now Bob Dylan Head down Is up

Now Leonard Cohen Head down That's up That was kind of Tom weights Head down, ass up Now the sex pistols Head down, ass up That's kind of metallicer

Yeah So it's lots of songs But I do think it's Face Down ass up by the two live crew Which I will read out to you Please do Verse one I'm looking for a bitch to spend the night

Do the crazy thing where I fuck all night I make her do things like nothing before and when I'm done, she'll always be sore. Can I just point out that rhyming night with night is pathetic? That's poor. Could you not have found a way to say write, the obvious easy rhyme? Yeah, fresh kid ice. Fresh kid ice needs to work on his rhymes.

The last thing I want to do is start some kind of beef here because I would be devastated in a rap battle with fresh kid ice. But, you know, seriously, night and night. Yeah, head down, ass up, work on your rhymes. No, it gets very blue. Like, it gets a lot more blue then. But I'll read this bit from Brother Marquis, which is the verse where the line comes from.

Go on. Face down, ass up. That's the way I like to fuck. I like the butt. It's my favourite position. I'm tired of the front, so that's why I'm bitching. He sounds like a whiny little brat. That's Brother Marquis.

I'm tired of the front. That's why I'm bitching. Grow up, Brother Markey. Flip-flop it, baby. bend your ass over flip flop it baby like a fish no no anyway it's obvious here that it means having sex from behind

yeah not standard missionary so I don't see that it means working hard like this mother thought head down that's fine like get your head down head down is fine ass up you need to be like cleaning a floor or something like some Cinderella shit yeah scrub the floors Then I could see it working, but most of the time when you're working, you don't have your ass up. No.

Unless you're weighing yourself for breakfast and you're doing your stretches. Yeah, and you're trying to work out what your forehead weighs in the kitchen scales. Yeah, you're exposing your full ass to your kids because you're weighing yourself. No, 40 years. It can't have been 40 years, because... No, they've heard of it in their 40 years, and they're saying it's now been appropriated by the young people. by the Two Live Crew. And it used to be a real thing.

Two Live Crew also did a song called Me So Horny. Oh, I don't think I like the Two Live Crew. No, according to Wikipedia, they caused considerable controversy with the sexual themes in their work. Oh. Particularly on their 1989 album, as nasty as they want to be. Wow. Blue. Very blue.

We've earned the explicit tag this week. We have. Some weeks we don't, but I put it on anyway because we say words like shit. but this time if you're a child and you've listened to this go to your parents and apologise If you're a child and you've listened to this and your mum has said

Head down, ass up when they want you to do some work Don't worry, you're not the one in the wrong here So the thread is now torn Between whether or not it means doggy style Oral sex No one thinks it means revision But everyone thinks it's something sexual They're just not sure what

Yeah, I was pretty clear from Brother Marquis that it's doggy style. That's what I got from the original text. You don't want to get old hermeneutics on this, but we should respect the sanctity of the text. The OP came back and said, oh my God, I'm sure loads of people would come back saying, yeah, you're right, I've always thought that's what it meant. I feel awful. Poor DD. I'll have to mention it tomorrow, in a jokey way, and then never say it again. Just never say it again already.

Yeah. Don't mention it in a joke. What joke you're making? Like, oh, how's your revision going? Head down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck. Get on with revising. Like, just don't bring it up again. Yeah, it's already gone too far. Either sincerely say, I thought this phrase meant something and it didn't. So really sorry if that was uncomfortable and move on. Or don't say it again. Don't make another joke about it. That's much worse. Like, what do you expect you to say when you make this joke about it? it and shouldn't you be revising shouldn't need your distractions with your weird bawdy humour yeah this is a kind of bawdy chat that Ben likes and the lads on

the train who may be Ben but it's not for children that's why Ben shouldn't be allowed around that 12 year old this mother has sexualized her daughter so much that rather than revising she's gonna see Ben after Ben's seen the game and had some nachos yeah this is who Ben's terrible what happens to young people these days Well, my mum said head down, ass up, so you might as well come round, Ben. It's what mum wants. She's been telling me to do it. I don't feel ready, but she swears it's important for my future.

Seems to really, won't me to? In my desperate search to Google for my meaning, I did find, among the hundreds of bloody songwerep pages, a quote from a book called On Thin Ice, I think, about Everest, in which the writer says the phrase in the context, in which I would use it. Anyway, safe to say, I'll never say it again. This woman's waded through loads of song lyrics and loads of porn

to find a book about Everest to prove herself right. Maybe she needs to get her head down their ass off and get almost whatever she should be doing. I think I once bought my dad a signed copy of that book on Everest. Is it a lewd book? I hope I didn't buy my dad a lewd book. Bit of blue for the dads. I hope it's got nothing to do with this two live crew song.

Should we do one more speed round? Amma being unreasonable to sit differently? To who? No, say how you like. carve your own path. Amma being unreasonable, father-in-law caught DS's hair. Back on the hair cutting. You remember when that mum cut the dead? Yeah, she put a hat on it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, just tell your father-in-law to put a hat on it. Amma being unreasonable? Help, could I be pregnant? Take a test. Yeah, she should take a test. And, and we're being unreasonable, cheese sauce in a lasagna. Oh, that's a novel idea. Oh.

Oh. Novel idea? What, like throughout or on top? Because you want to find Bechamel sauce on top, surely. I thought a Bechamel went inside, then on top, but it was Bechamel and then, like, grated cheese, crumbled cheese. So where would the cheese sauce go in it? Like in the mince? Well, it says in a lasagna, so I guess in lieu of where you put the Bechamel.

Oh, that's on azo. Yeah, that's in the lasagna. Like you say, because you put it in. Yeah, because you go like mince, lasagna, sauce. No, sounds fine. More cheese, put cheese in everything, like Taco Bell does. This week's episode has been brought to you by Taco Bell. Send us some free cassidias, please.

I don't think you can just casually mention Taco Bell in the final bit of the speed rounds and then get stuff. No. We're doing a live show. We are. We're going to be performing at the Camden Fringe in August, so there's ages. but Thursday, 15th of August, you're being an unreasonable live show, send us all the best threads, anything you want us to read in front of an audience, and yeah, buy tickets, we'll put ticket links up when they go up. Yeah, they'll go up in two weeks time, and we will also do a crowdsore speed round.

Yeah, yeah, like we did last time. So if you've got any problems and you want to know very quickly if they're good or bad problems, but not have any solution offered, let us know. I'm doing a work-in-progress show for a comedy show. Ooh. On the 9th of June at 3.15 at the Vauxhall Comedy Club, come and see me. I currently have no material.

I have loads of bits, but I think that describe any of them as material will be generous. So, come and see that. Maybe I'll just read from Mumset for 30 minutes. I think this kind of thing is why we don't have any sponsors. Because you are selling yourself. Yeah. I just, I don't want to lie to anyone.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I hate to lie. Right. Some people value honesty. No, I've got loads of material. It's just not coherent. Thanks for listening.

Thank you, bye. And I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.