You Are Being Unreasonable - 062 - In which we come up with inventive names for houses and we cover breasts with slotted spoons

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

"You've got a slotted spoon to try to eat that satsuma? What are you on about?" What is irony? What is sincerity? We discuss this philosophical and cultural conundrum in-depth as we look into someone's "sincere and heartfelt apology". This week, we take out three billboards and bake some apology muffins to apologise for delaying a driver at a crossing, we discuss a boyfriend talking about breasts with a friend and "what they could do with them", we take a double bedroom in our new new-build house as a dressing room and confine our children to smaller rooms, and a colleague uses a mountain of plastic every lunchtime to cut up pineapples with plastic forks.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when their prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day when I felt. Hello, welcome to Your Being Unreasonable,

the podcast about people being Unreasonable, reasonable on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. So we've got a new mic. We have. Yeah. Yay. So this will be our period of several weeks where we subtly adjust the gain. With this new mic, does that mean that there's less chance of it picking up the cat's purring or more chance? Less, I hope. Maybe we should run a poll to see how do people only listen for the purring cats. Yeah, and we'll be able to see the correlation between the amount of Leon in the podcast and the number of listeners that we have and then eventually we'll just give in and we'll make a podcast that's just us putting Leon near the mic and it'll go viral and then we'll be a huge success and we can quit our day jobs yeah yeah 30 to 40 minutes of purring shall we do a

speed round am I being unreasonable the name nausea what like the John Paul Sartre novel are they wondering what it refers to it's a speed round no no am I being unreasonable to ask you to apply for Dominic Cummings job yes do they mean the job he's advertisers, they mean his job? Am I being unreasonable to be concerned about phone number in husband's wallet? Yeah, probably having an affair. Let's do a full thread, shall we? Am I being unreasonable to offer my sincere and heartfelt apologies?

To the woman who, as I crossed the road, in the rain in front of her car at a junction, took time to shout out of her window, this isn't a crossing, you know? I feel just awful about the 1.5 seconds I delayed her massively massive. massively important journey. Anyone else like to get a sincere apology off their chest? Hells, I have to write a dissertation this year for my master's course that I'm doing. Okay.

And I've thought about writing it on sort of new sincerity aesthetics and sort of the role of irony in culture. Yeah. And with my trained and honed skills, I don't think this person's being entirely sincere. I mean, I am a lay person here. I do not have your academic grounding in this. But yeah, I think they are taking the piss I don't think this is sincere and heartfelt at all

I'm not even sure that it's really an apology And you know what I think the person who's in the car at the junction Is probably the person who's in the right here anyway So I don't know why you saw like the thread To be like across the road at the wrong place What would be the best way to get an apology A sincere and heartfelt apology to the person at the junction

I think if you take out a billboard Overlooking the Junction with the apology on it that's probably the best way to reach them as chances are they might drive through there again you could do it across separate billboards you could have perhaps three billboards yeah yeah you could have one that says

one that says my sincere and heartfelt apologies and then the second board says I feel just awful about the 1.5 seconds I delayed you and then the third one says on your massively massively important journey because then the first one you're like oh yeah this person's sorry but then as you get to the third billboards you're like they're not sorry at all

woman in car how come one point five seconds i delayed you made me feel terrible but that still sounds like maybe it's sincere that's the problem well she wants to be sincere she says i want to offer my sincere and heartfelt apologies yeah and then she says anyone else got a sincere apology to get off of their chest so i would like to say now that i am extremely sorry to anyone who thought they were posting on a special secret forum that no one knew about, only to find that it has become podcast fodder. I would like to offer my sincere and heartfelt apologies. Except, you know what? Actually, I wouldn't because I don't like this sort of sarcastic apologising. I didn't think that we were three years old. It strikes me as quite passive-aggressive. Highly passive-aggressive.

In a way that they're not even going to read. Like, what are you getting out of this? This is the internet, right? This is what social media is for. So posting ironically and wearing an ironic t-shirt about, I don't know, cold play. There's a parallel forum somewhere where someone's like, am I being unreasonable to offer my sincere and heartfelt apologies that I didn't run over an ironic cold play fan with my car earlier? Yeah. And if I'm going to be like, oh, you should be sorry about that.

I'm so sorry, guys. Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm really sorry to this person who I delayed 1.5 seconds. Oh, I'm so, I've baked these apology muffins. Oh, I'm going to take them to her house, which I've found from getting her license plate number and tracking down her home. Oh, and now I've become friends with her because of the apology muffins. And we're going to the cinema together to see little women to sort of connect on a real level. Anyway, some more mum's letters of offered their sincere and heartfelt apologies.

But then somebody has said, why did you cross in front of her car? It's not about delaying her. It's dangerous. Doesn't sound like she had right of way No, she didn't, she said herself it wasn't a crossing I think this is a very British response To offer ironic, sincere and heartfelt apologies And I think if you were in America

Say a state in the sort of north-east of the country You just walk in here Exactly And have it done and dealt with in a quick way Reminiscent of Dustin Hoffman Lots of people are saying like Yeah but you really shouldn't have crossed there you're being ridiculous and then someone has said you're not sincere at all oh man they've seen through

the code this is meta because that person probably isn't being sincere either holy shit this is like the rosetta stone for online sincerity yeah like i can't imagine that they sincerely think this person thinks they're being sincere are we being sincere i don't know somebody said do you drive opi if they were driving in front of the other person then that's bang out of order. They did say it was a junction. It's entirely possible that they were driving. Yeah.

Maybe, I don't know. It sounds like they still didn't have right of way. That would be a massive drip feed, wouldn't it? Like, yeah, okay, fine. I was in a car, but it was wet and I'd lost control, so I'd skid it out in front of them. Gosh, you sound bloody delightful. If the woman's car had hit you, you'd be quick to complain about that, too, I bet.

Is this person being ironic, though? This, I think, is sincere. This is the only sincere comment on here. Open letters on the internet are so awkward to read. Yeah, no one wants to read this. The person you're addressing it to won't see it. This is just a way to vent in public that seems sort of backfired because the thread seems to be against them.

Well, yeah, because they were in the wrong. I think if it was the perspective of the person who was in the car and they said, could I have my sincere apologies to the person I shouted at for crossing at me? People would probably be like, yeah, and you would get a funny thread of people's passive-aggressive apologies. I think the best thing to do, someone apologises to you sarcastically

is to just take it as if you have never heard of sarcasm and do not understand what they're doing so you actually just take it sincerely and say oh thank thanks yeah I agree that was good of you yeah because that would blind her up no end yeah and then you have to start another thread

just pretend that you have no concept of their tone and you cannot understand what they're actually trying to say I'm so sorry oh thanks it's okay everyone makes mistakes oh yeah yeah, everyone makes, oh, I made such a big mistake, yeah, it was my mistake. Yeah, but it's cool. You've apologised for it. Have a lovely day. And then you just leave and they're just, they're like, and their head explodes all over the junction where they are still standing. They've been holding up traffic for days. Yeah. Am I being unreasonable to want larger room as a dressing room?

So we've just built a new built house. It has four bedrooms, two are large doubles and two are smaller bedrooms, mainly for single beds with wardrobes. Me and DJ will share the master bedroom, and I wanted to put my five-year-old boy and three-year-old girl in their own small rooms. Now, the second double was meant to be a guest room. In seven years of living at my current house, we have never had anyone sleep over, only kids, but they would share beds. So I want that room to have a full-length, four double wardrobes and a corner for my dressing area with the possibility of adding a bed if ever needed. I'm willing to share my wardrobes with hubby, even though we can get two doubles in the master anyway. A lot of people have said to me to give

the second double to my five-year-old, but I just think it's too big a room for him, and eventually he can have the room as a bed will fit, even with the wardrobes fitted in. Am I being unreasonable? Should I give him the room? My hubby actually said, no, I should have it as a dressing room, if I like. Who's DJ? Who is DJ? Is it DJ Qualls? Is it DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Yeah. They need a room because those clothes are too much to have in the place where you sleep. Jazzy Jeff's clothes would give you terrible dreams. Too, too much. I think you just need to, I think you should offer the room to your partner, Dead Mouse. So you can just spin his discs. Zip, zip, zip. Somewhere to put that mouse costume. I assume it's a type of.

and she's referring to hubby. So from here on in, we'll call her husband Jobby. Here, Jub. Where can my husband, Norman Cook, aka Fat Boy Slim, put his records? He got a divorce. Oh, no. I know. This is not Zoe Ball. It's a shame.

They got a divorce. It'd be nice if Zoe Ball had a brand-new-built house. Yeah, with four bedrooms, two are large doubles, and two are single rooms. If I was Zoe Ball, I would call my house the ball pit. Nice. I like that. Mm-hmm. But would you call your house a couple of? pit in any other situation.

Now, we changed our names when we got married and I think we should have thought ahead and thought what would be a fun name for our house? You can call the house anything though. Yeah, but it's more fun if it lines up with the names. Okay, give me some suggestions. If we changed our last name to money, we could have had the money pit. I just don't think people once refer to their living spaces as pits. I am really focused on pits here.

You're very into, yeah. And also a money pit is a terrible thing. That's why it's funny. It's ironic. Oh, the money pit. What? Your shithole house with a massive mortgage, that's what people will assume. We're poking fun at the system. It's actually quite a clever postmodern commentary on the idea of house. Yeah, is it? Yeah. Okay. Oh, yes. Look, the thing is, you could just name a house something that's just a funny name for a house. Like, we could buy a house and then be like, oh yeah, I'm just going home to Dr. Gregory House.

And people would be like, what? That's what my house is called. And we can get a sign above the door. Dr Gregory Hatt is a great new for that house I had others but I think I've peaked Yeah Yeah very good Or you know, banal example We could have called ourselves white And called it the White House

Yeah, we could But I mean that's so basic Yeah And then people would like Why did you change your name to white? Yeah And then we have to, yeah No, I'm rooting for Dr Gregory House

And that's the address Like when people write to you, they have to write to Helen Bowie. Next slide, Dr Gregory House. MD. Yeah, Dr. Gregory House, MD. And then the real address with like the number and the name and then the town and the postcode. But it has to say, Dr. Gregory House, because that's the address, legally speaking. That is our legal address. Yeah, we've registered this with the post office. Yeah. Because this is a very clever joke. Hells, why don't we get any better cards from family anymore?

Unclair. I mean, it was challenging enough when we decided to pick a completely random new surname. But they made their peace with that. But then we decided to call our house, Dr. Gregory House. And they were like, I think they're trying to tell us something. And I think what they're trying to tell us is stop writing to us. Because people would think you were taking the piss. They'd be like, OK, what's your address?

And you'd be like, Dr. Gregory House. And they'll be like, boo. You'll never ever get through any phone conversation where you have to give you an address. But anyway, back to... Anyway, yeah. So this woman and her DJ have bought a house. Yeah. Which makes him a house DJ, if you will.

He is a house DJ, yeah. New build house DJs. Do you think they've got a garage? Is he also a garage DJ? Nice. Nice. Yeah, and there's too many bedrooms because they've got extravagant wealth

and have bought somewhere with too many bedrooms planning for future expansion. Future expansion into a place to get dressed. Yeah. So there's actually a couple of... like points within this one that I want to pick out as being odd. She says that the smaller bedrooms are just for single beds with wardrobes and then that the kids would have those rooms. So far that makes sense. She says the only people that have

ever slept over have been kids and kids would share beds, but the kids are in single beds. I know that kids can share single beds, but it's not that comfy. If you're going to get the kids to share a bed, it might be like a fun sleepover treat where they could share a double bed Rather than ice cream topping and tailing So they're just all night long With each other's feet in their faces With not quite enough space Because single beds are only made for one

Please remember to tie you not in your pyjama Single beds are only made for one If anyone was in the brownies And can verify that is a real song Please get in touch A lot of people have said to me To give the second double to five-year-old How?

Did you do a Twitter poll Did you go on the radio? Did you get out of front? Free billboards. Maybe she was out there with the clipboard. Like, you know, when people are saying, oh, I'm just doing a bit of market research. Going door to door.

I get UGov surveys. I wonder if she took out a UGov poll. Yeah. And I wasn't selected because I didn't meet the criteria that she needed. Yeah. She already had enough snarky women with no children and no spare rooms. So she says that the five-year-old can have the second double when he's older.

But by then, it'll be full of... They'll be full of wardrobes. Yeah, it'll have floor to see. in mirrored wardroves with all of mummy's fantastic born gowns. You'll have got accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Yeah, it's got a dressing area in the corner. So I don't understand how this is going to work in the long term. You're better off not becoming accustomed to having a double room that you can use for dressing.

Because you can't make a child, then share a room with just a fabulous dressing area. Because it won't be a fabulous dressing area, but it also won't be a serviceable bedroom. It'll be a room that serves no purpose as well. You sweep in there in your long trailing nightgown. Wake up, child, I need to get dressed. Well, you try to do it really subtly, so they're sleeping, but you're just there, like, silently in the dark using your dressing area in the core of their room,

and they wake up and put their lamp on, and mummy's there, but her face isn't on yet. Mummy hasn't put her face on. It's like a scene for Mummy, dearest. Yeah. You need to get out, child. Your father, Daph Punk, and I need to go out to a gig this evening. And I need to look my most fabulous.

Dead mouse needs to put his head on. Just like the child has finally given their double room. They're really excited. They open up one wardrobe and it's just full of like dead mouse heads. And they're like, ah! And they open up the other. And it's full of just like all of their mother's clothes in like a really creepy serial killer way. They're fabulous 1920s gowns.

Like that Louis Theroux where Jimmy Saville opens up a wardrobe and he's home and he's like, here are all the duchess's clothes. He's the duchess. He's like, my dead mom. Like, no. No, why? You can't... Don't have those.

No normal boy is going to grow up in a room full of his mother's clothes and his dad's dead mouse heads. That's a kind of Norman Bates, Robert Durst, scenario. Absolutely. But then, my favourite part of this whole thread, my hubby actually said no, and that I should have it as a dressing room if I like. Okay, so the only adults who have any skin in this game agree that you should have it as a dressing room. So, why did you do this poll, and then why did you start this thread?

Where are you out doing all this market research when you and your husband have both agreed that the children can just suffer in the tiny little boxes while you have a fabulous dressing area? Yeah, and if the hubby's moving in as well, where's the DJ going to go? That's true. Like, it's fine to have this polyamorous relationship and to all move in together, but you need to think about the space. Yeah, yeah, if having the DJ are sharing the master bedroom... Where's hubby going to go? Well... Room for hubby?

Hubby can have a little room as a treat. Let's hear from the thread You're going to stick your DC in tiny rooms So you can have a large dressing room Yes, yes, exactly It's good to check comprehension What, you'd rather have two big bedrooms Than let your children have the space

Clothes and your makeup are more important Now to be fair, she's made no mention of makeup I don't know The makeup's going downstairs In that room with all, Which currently has like appliances and a lot of plumbing things That they can tear out, they don't need those Yeah, exactly

Yeah Who on earth gives a large double room to their clothes over their kids, etc? Man, the feds turned against them. This person is outraged, but they can't be bothered to be outraged fully. Who on earth does that, etc? Like, you get the gist, I'm outraged, but also, yeah. Just tired. We're all just tired of being a mum's nose.

I imagine it would be lovely having a smaller room as a dressing room, though. No, you've misunderstood. They want a fabulous, large dressing room. Yeah, and the kids can live. in the cupboard under the stairs. You cannot expect them to get dressed in a pokey little room. That's not fit for anybody. Barbaric, really.

Am I being unreasonable, inappropriate conversation. Would this upset you? Boyfriend texting French discussing assertion celebs, breasts. Whether she had implants or not, how magnificent they are, and what he would like to do with them. Why am I being unreasonable? Is that his friend is a girl,

and they were both admiring the celebrity. They're platonic friends for years. It was not an attempt at being sleazy towards her, I think, although I have wondered in the past about their relationship. Much thanks. At the risk of biasing our discussion, could you just read out the first comment under this? It's not great, is it? I love that.

It's not great, is it? Not ideal. Can I, well, yeah, can I just single out the thing that I think is important here? They're discussing whether she had implants or not They're discussing how magnificent her breasts are And they're discussing what he would like to do with them One of these things is not like the other, surely Touch, cup, squeeze

How many things can you do with them? Slathering mayonnaise Yeah, cover in mayonnaise And then eat chips off of them Yeah, good, fine But that's about it, cover them I would like to cover them more Always get them on display

tastefully reduce them to ease pressure on her lower back yeah sure have them regularly checked as part of medical procedures it is good to check yeah yeah what celebrity think it is Dame Judy Dench obviously Dame Judy Dench yeah that's what all the lads talk about see Dame Judy and cats though

whoa whoa you know what I would watch a program that was like the masked singer But instead it was the masked breasts. And it was someone wearing a big mask and then just like a very cleavagey top. And then everything else was just like a big poppy thing. It was like, whose boobs are these? And everyone could go on Twitter and be like hashtag butterfly is Judy Dench's boobs. I would watch that.

The masked boobs. You're looking out for tattoos, like tell-tale tattoos on the breasts? Yeah, like, you know, if you got... Maybe that's what they want to do with them. Tattoo them. Maybe it's a tattooist. A tell-tile tattoo. Like, I know what you mean.

You mean like there are lots of tattoos. A little star or something. Yeah, but I'm imagining someone who has tattooed their own name onto their cleavage. DJ Qualls. I'm going to get a tattoo on my boobs of DJ Qualls on one boob, his face, and Zach Brath on the other. Because I have trouble telling them apart. I'm going to get tattoos on my boobs where one is going to be Ozzy's face and the other will be Leon's face. And maybe one day someone will text their friend about how magnificent they are.

How magnificent they are sounds like I'm sure there's an episode of Seinfeld where a character describes their breasts as magnificent Magnificent is a word that I would associate mostly with horses and breasts I'll be honest Really? Yeah, a horse can be magnificent A breast can, well not a single breast of yacht

Just the one Oh, she has a magnificent breast It's a shame about the other Breasts can be magnificent Yeah, big fan of Dame Helen Moon's left breast But right, need some work. Why do you keep picking these old daves? What I actually meant by what he would like to do with them is

the first two of these seem like, maybe slightly tasteless, crass chit-chat. The third one seems like out-and-out objectifying grimness. Like, it's got real... It's bawdy chat, it's bawdy WhatsApp chat with the lads. No, I... Gibbo, ricey talking about the queen's breasts. Maybe the whole thing was a tie-back. Maybe it was supposed to say

Queen's breasts, but it actually said Queen's past, because he was too busy thinking about and he's like, oh yeah, Queen's breasts. What do you want to do with them? I want to see them in two sets of ones, a set of threes. Racy, skeptical as always. No, she didn't have breasts. I keep trying to make the serious point, though,

that I do think that texting anyone saying, like, oh, yeah, what I'd like to do with those breasts? It's like, if you're a 13-year-old boy, fine. But if you're an actual human adult, then just, no. It's just unpleasant, and it's objectifying. And it's objectifying in the worst way, because you're not even objectifying a person. You're just like, just the boob. And what I'd like to do to them, like, there's no agency, there's no implied consent in your vision of how this is working.

What I'm imagining is that he's just sending text to his mate, and he's like, do you reckon they're real or not? And the mate's like, nah, they're fake. And then they're like, still magnificent. Yeah, magnificent. And then he's like, love a tit-wank. No. It's like that episode of Big Mouth where John Mullaney's character makes that amalgam of all the various objectified parts of his classmates.

And it's this horrible Frankenstein creature. Yeah. Yeah. Except that is like a 12-year-old boy. Yeah. Just the idea of a grown man texting anyone like, whey, what I do to those tips? I'm like, no. Just break up with him already.

I don't understand why the AP's so fixated on it being a female friend. Why is that? I think, I don't know. I don't have a great deal of friends who are men because I find men challenging and shit. But the friends I have who are men, I've carefully selected because they're not shit, I hope. But if they were trying to chat me up

and they were texting me like, guess what I'd do to Kelly Brooks boobs? Like, I just, I don't think that's a chat upline. It makes me wonder what the boyfriend did to get with the O.P.? So what? When she met the boyfriend, did he send her a text once? Like, oh, yeah, I'd love to squeeze Camilla Parker Bowles' bum. Krella Parker Bowles.

I came with old people. Older regal women. Bad. It's not great. It's not great, is it? It's not great, is it? See, we just ended where we started. I don't think, the O.P. says, I don't think it would affect me as much if it was a male friend

also describing what he would do with them. Why? I think it's the same. I don't know. Yeah. I think what you should be worried about is if the female friend is not saying what she would do with them At this point your boyfriend is sexually harassing his friends by tech By being like, way, I'm going to tell you all the things I want to do to these tits And she's just there like, oh, a line has really been crossed, I agree that they are magnificent

But this has turned into something quite different And I'm being unreasonable, infuriated by colleague that has sushi, fruit and soft drink every lunchtime They are all plastic wrapped with plastic fork for fruit plastic bottle for soft drink plastic container for soy sauce it's like a mounting of plastic every lunchtime and it really pisses me off now they're bringing in that plastic bag law however plastic bags are so thin nowadays and all the main supermarkets decomposed in two to five years but all this plastic packaging will not decompose for a long time yes i know some will say it's none of my business but rubbish wastefulness and landfill are my business in my opinion rant over i can't believe that we've had to endure this span on plastic straws, when really, it's this person that's causing all the problems. I can't believe that this colleague, with their sushi, their fruit, and their soft drink, doesn't understand that they, and their choices, are why we are having the problems we are having. If you just didn't have any sushi, you know what, there wouldn't be any global warming.

I tell you what, the amount... This is on you, Becky. The amount of plastic knives and plastic forks that Becky goes through, trying to cut up her apple every day, just stabbing it, and breaking... you know, breaking the prongs off the little fork and getting another one out of the desk, which is just full of plastic forks and stabbing the apple again. We all remember the carnage when she decided to have a pineapple and she had the little plastic knives and she was trying to core the pineapple with her little plastic knives,

and there were knives sticking out of it everywhere, and it'll like pop-up pirate there. News flashbacker, that's not going to get through the pineapples tough, tough out of skin. No. And you're just causing a mountain of plastic in the bin. A mountain of plastic, every single day. Yeah. You know that sort of ocean of plastic refuse in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean? That's your lunch, that is.

That's you, Becky. That's all those knives and pineapple husks. Your little sushi pots and your little plastic soy sauces. Let's not even get on to the food waste created by all of these abandoned pineapples. Exactly. Discarding pineapples when you simply cannot cut them with your little plastic knives. Pineapples don't decompose them in two to five years. They hang around forever.

I don't think that's true. No, but actually, actually, you can't even. Actually, if you put food in landfill, then the food decomposes, but there's nowhere for, like, the decomposed stuff to go, and it releases loads of gases, and it actually becomes a whole thing. So, please do cut your pineapples with an appropriate knife, rather than sling them in the bin with all your sushi waste. What if Becky over here, I've assumed she's going to, like, wasami or Aitsu or whatever. Oh, those aren't even nice sushi. I wouldn't kill the planet for Itzu. I'd rather have a planet than an It'su.

It's who shit. Shih Tzu. but what if they're bringing in one of those you know not inexpensive little bento boxes that you get at like joy or whatever yeah and just bringing one of those in every day and throwing it away treating it like disposable you know paper plates

yeah they're like oh that would be incredibly wasteful I've heard that Tupperware is best for the environment they're just throwing out a Tupperware every day that's not what that means Becky no no and it's not even disposable disposable plastic cutlery. It's like the massive plastic cutlery sets that you get at IKEA that are supposed

to be for picnics and you're supposed to keep them for every picnic that you go on the rest of your life. And she's just there getting through those, just hurling them away. Hirling them away. She's eating her sushi with a little, like, spatula. She's like plastics. She's looking for... This is insane, Becky.

Insane. You've got a slotted spoon to try and eat that satsuma. Are you on a belt? What are you doing? Oh, that sounds like the sort of thing... The edge is a curved. That's not going to cut it. The edges are curved. Like the sort of thing that you do as a party game

when you were really broke in your late teens or early 20s. Like, right, lads, we're eating us at sooner off a slotted spoon. It's that time in the night. We're all starting to run a bit low on mixers, but we've got plenty of spirits left, so we're going to play the slotted spoon game, then we're going to drink neat vodka for an hour, and then we're all going to pass out.

I'd like to cup her breast with a slotted spoon. If, you know what I mean? What, what do you mean? I mean, literally that two slotted spoons, one over each bro. That sounds like it should be the poster for someone's bad stand-up special. Yeah. Maybe I will make a stand-up special where it's just me holding slotted spoons over my boobs. And it will be like really uncomfortable anti-comedy, but that is the special.

And it's an hour of me in a room just holding slotted spoons over my boobs. Helen spoons. And then every now and then I will remove the slotted spoon and I will try to eat a satsuma But it won't go well and then I'll just use the spoon like you use those things that you throw dog balls with To hurl the satsuma into the audience and I'll just cover my boob back over and I'll stand there for a bit longer And the show doesn't end until every single person in the audience is holding a satsuma The show doesn't end until every single person the audience has walked out It is a four-minute show

So if you're going to be in Edinburgh for the first, Friends this year, look out for Helen Spoon. Yeah. New performance art piece. Yeah, but I'm going to bill it as observational comedy to make sure that people are the people who will walk out. Yeah, yeah, you want to get the right audience, as in an audience completely unprepared for what they're about. Yeah, I don't want to bill it as durational performance art featuring Spoons, because then I'll get people who are like, I just want to see what happens next. Yeah, you'll get the kind of...

Yeah, you'll get the kind of avant-garde wankers, you know, who we are, who would go and see that. Yeah. And we don't want that. So, yeah, there we go. So far off topic. I just don't know. I can't see the topic from where we are. Let's get back to the topic.

Let's wander back to it. I'm interested. What do you have for your lunch? Because unless you grow it all at home, surely all the constituent parts have also, at some point, being packaged. That's not to say there isn't far, far too much plastic in the world, or a bit of it anyway. That's different, though.

Like, if you make yourself a pasta for lunch and put it in a Tupperware, like you've bought, you know, a kilogram of penny or whatever, I don't buy penny. You've bought a kilogram of fusili or whatever. Whole wheat fusili, yes. You've bought a kilogram of whole wheat fusiler. Like, that's not as much packaging per meal as this sushi person, as Becky sushi person. And as far as is humanly possible, I try not to buy fruit and vegetable that comes in plastic packaging.

But that's partly because we're only two people. The stuff that comes in plastic packaging tends to be based on the idea that you're a family of four. And a lot of the vegetables that I like, you don't. So it's not really about the environment so much as the fact that I only ever need one of a lot of things. One day, maybe we'll have a double room where you can keep all the fruit and vegetables that you want to buy. Yeah. Yeah. But until then.

You can kick out those children and the cats. Yeah. Because this is Mama's Fruit Room. It's a fruit bulb, but it's actually the size of a bath. A bath simply filled with satsumas. Fetched my mum. I'm at a Clementine. Okay, I'll crawl off my single bed and go get you a Clementine.

You know, I mean, I do know that people feel very, very strongly about the damage to the planet that is created by humans. And I feel strongly too that, you know, if we all lived slightly differently, then things would be different. But a lot of the choices that we make are not choices at all. They're just the situation that has been created and it's now very difficult to... I've said it before, but, you know, individual action and only gets you so far and really

corporations the big 100 corporations need to just cut it out come on guys yeah but you know what the big 100 corporations are doing they're probably taking away

all the personal bins and telling everyone to recycle their sushi packaging and being like done our bit now yeah thanks capitalism but to say that you're infuriated by your colleague

no all of my colleagues are like properly formed to table doing stuff in in a Hessian bag raw potatoes that they just eat at their desk like apples yeah what pains me to think about

I don't like it when you get a chip that's a little bit too hard let alone of raw potatoes this is organic grow up I bought this is entirely off topic but I went to buy a wooden spoon at lunch today I also had lunch for a friend but I went to buy a wooden spoon and I took the wooden spoon back to the office.

I didn't get a bag because I didn't need a plastic bag for a wooden spoon. Yeah. I'm doing my bit. Yeah. But I took this plastic, this wooden spoon back. And one of my colleagues said, why do you have that wooden spoon? I said, because our wooden spoon broke and I wanted to replace it. And he said, you should oil your wooden spoon after using it to make it last longer.

Like, what? He said, you should put, like, olive oil or sunflower oil all over your wooden spoon after you use it every time to make it last longer. And this was crazy to me. The idea that you would spend your life, which is quite short, oiling a wooden spoon, rather than just paying a pound when your spoon breaks, which isn't, you know, frequent. This attitude is why Australia is on fire. It's because you won't oil your wooden spoon. My wood spoon degrades and decomposes.

Only if you put it in the right bins. Only if you're composting. Are you composting? I don't want to oil my spoon after every year. It's a compost bin full of oily wooden spoons. This is nonsense. I can see if you've got like a cast iron pan that you want to look after it. Yeah, you oil it.

It's expensive. Yeah. But a spoon? A wooden spoon? Someone cut down a tree to make your spoon. This is how you treat it. Its spoon is a tree. Cavalas are dying.

Because of me and my spoon. Yes. I feel like I've been a bit flippant there. It's actually like heartbreaking what's happening in Australia. I'm really sorry for being flippant about it. I don't mean it at all. Yeah, it's terrible. It's like genuinely all.

And it is nothing to do with my spoon. It is nothing to do with Simon's spoon. Life's too short to be infuriated by your colleague's lunches. It would make more sense if they're infuriated that someone keeps eating sushi at their desk. Every day eating sushi at their desk. Sochi's not a particularly sociable thing to take to your desk where people are trying to get on with work and you're just there fanning around with a load of raw fish. Stinky!

Exactly. Exactly. The OP came back and said, Well, I had a salad made from stuff in my veg box, so no packaging, drank one. water and had a plum. A plum. My rocket did come in a little biodegradable bag, though. So my probar used 99.999% less packaging and was biodegradable. Probably the sushi packaging's biodegradable. Like I say, all of this stuff is only biodegradable if you dispose of it in the right way. And if you're getting a veg box, then like someone's had to drive all over

town with that. So, like, grow up. Your choices don't make you a superior person and no one's choices are really choices that they've had that much to say in because corporations. That's the message this week is corporations. No. Men, no. Spoons. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spoons. Uh, should we do one more speed round? Spoons. Spoons. Spoons. Spoons. Spoons. We've got a speed round to do. Am I being unreasonable? Benefits fraud. What's the general feeling about it? From reading the daily mail every day as I do. I think people are against it. Amma being unreasonable? Sun holiday. to a place where you can only buy the sun, the opposite of Liverpool.

No, thank you. Or a holiday from reading the sun, a holiday to Liverpool. Yeah, every day. Am I being unreasonable, National Anthem? No, by Radiohead, fine, great. Okay. God save the Queen. And am I being unreasonable to have a baby just to get it over with?

I mean, yeah, you don't have to have a baby. You don't have to get it over with. What are you talking about? Yeah, I mean. You don't have to have a baby if you don't want one. Maybe first you should try raising a wooden spoon for a year. Oil it every time you use it. Yeah, I mean I singularly failed at that because our wooden spoon broke, hence the need for this replacement. Instead of flower babies, you could have wooden spoon babies.

Just take care of a wooden spoon for one year and then at the end of that, if you still think, oh, I just want to get this baby thing over with, then think about the baby. Yeah. Yeah. One more. Am I being a reasonable sneaking suspicion that Gregs have done it again? They've done it again. They've done it again, lads.

They've smashed it with their vegan steak bake. Oh, they've done it again. Those bastards at the lab have done it again. You've really gone and done it this time, Gregs. You've done it again. You've done it again. I think Greg should do advertising on this podcast. I think I talk about Greggs a lot.

And I never say anything negative about Greggs because what is their negative to say about Greggs? We should just send them an invoice. I don't think you can just invoice Greggs. If I can just invoice Greggs for the amount of promotional work I've done for Gregs, I would probably not need to work. Is there a job? where you can just go door-to-door evangelising about Gregg's.

Because if there is, like, I want that job. Maybe not door-to-door, but certainly on Twitter.com. The problem is, though, of course, is Gregs now know that I do it for free anyway, so what is the incentive to pay me? Yeah. Yeah, that's our markets work. Thank you so much for listening. Do you come back?

We've got a bit silly on this one. We did get a bit silly. Thanks for listening. You can follow us on Twitter at Y.I.B. Unreasonable. And if you go on iTunes, you can rate and review us, and that helps people find. us, which helps us grow the brand so we can get sponsorship from

Greg's. And when we get sponsorship from Greg's then we can do sweet giveaways to you our followers. Yeah, you are being unreasonable, shut the slotted spoons for example. Yeah, I mean, great. You know what would be amazing? You know when Greg's do those little cakes with the plastic rings on? A little cake with a plastic

ring, but on the ring is the Yaboo logo. Yes. Yes. We need to get to the Ahundee Department right now. Okay. We're going to go. We're going to go. Thank you. Bye. And I never felt as good as how I do right now Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now