You Are Being Unreasonable - 066 - In which we eat salty flaccid chicken wings and plant knives in the back garden

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

"My knives are stabbed into the garden with the handles sticking out..." We recorded a little further in advance than usual this week so we take some time to predict the future which is now your past when you read this in the present. Clear? Good. This week we discuss the frankly horrifying prospect of turgid chicken skin and decide which foodstuffs can accurately be described as "flaccid"; how to dispose of knives without looking like a knife fetishist and why not to create tiny knife cemetaries in your background; being elected Toilet Monitor on a train and using the train toilet as an office space; the COVID-19 conspiracy theory that's all the range among the gullible of Mumsnet and how Illuminati HQ came up with the virus.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when their prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I feel that day. Hello, welcome to you of Being Unreasonable,

the podcast about people being Unreasonable, on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. We're recording this quite a long way in advance because Simon's going on holiday at the time that we usually record. So if you're listening to this and loads of stuff has happened

that we don't reference, that's why. So if you're like, oh, oh, but Rebecca Long-Bailey has nuclear codes now, she's not afraid to use them. Why aren't they talking about when number 10 fell down? Yeah, that's why. It's because we're recording it a bit early. Why aren't they talking about what happened to Donald Trump?

But if something does happen to Donald Trump and then they find out when we recorded this and they find that, they will come for you, Simon. They'll be like, he knew. Yeah, if I had to predict what will happen in the next couple of weeks, I think Donald Trump will fall down a well. Okay. And get kind of stuck halfway and then a dog takes his trousers.

And it's very embarrassing. Okay. But he'll recover from it. He always does politically. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. All of his followers will be like, oh my God, I can't believe that Obama and

got stuck in a world. What a fraud. Yeah. I think a new baby Yoda figure will come out that everyone loves and it will be baby Totoro from my neighbour Totoro. That's pretty cute. I would go for that. And everyone will be banging on about that for a few days on Twitter. Yeah, sure. I think Eamon Holmes will be cancelled. Oh, about time. Yeah, we've all been waiting for it. Oh, that would be nice. Should we do some speed round? Yeah. Am I being unreasonable The 13 best products for curly hair One, curlers, two, steam

It's okay, it's a speed round Am I being unreasonable, DH is never in the moment Never in the moment Like a dog living in a little present Am I being unreasonable, bought versus brought You have to buy things to bring things Sure And am I being unreasonable to ask what your dirty secret food

slash snacks are Pretzel pieces Snyder's pretzel pieces Cool I don't think any food should be a dirty secret. Yeah, that's an unhealthy way of thinking about food. You are being unreasonable to frame it that way. Just say, what food do you like?

Yeah. Are being unreasonable? What food do you like? That would be a refreshingly earnest little fresh. It would, but then people would come along and they'd be like, oh, well, we have a chicken that lasts a family of four the whole week, and I'm personally stuffed after half a carrot, and this is why I've got an obesity crisis.

Yeah, people ruin everything. Yeah. But there are some food. threads on this board that are enjoyable. So should we begin with one of those? Yeah. Am I being unreasonable to hate chicken wings? What is the point?

No meat on them and flaccid skin covered in a flavouring that is impossible to appreciate because you have to discard the skin because it is flaccid. Who wants to eat chewy fat? I love crispy skin on a roast chicken but how can anyone eat chicken wings with non-crispy skin? Er, times 100. I'm yet to encounter a chicken wing that is entirely edible.

In the last week I've had chicken wing from restaurant, not my choice but tried one, and a homemade one, bought to a get-together. Both had flaccid skin and literally no meat on them. Chicken is my favourite meat, but I just don't get wings. Why do people like them? So what sticks out to me is the amount of flaccid used in the... She uses the ad flaccid... ...three times, and two of those times it's capitalised.

And is it used inappropriate? I would not describe chicken skin as flaccid. No, I don't think I would either. No, as opposed to... Turgid. Yeah. If she said the skin on chicken wings is flaccid, and I prefer the turgid skin on a roast chicken,

then at least there would be an internal consistency. You are making roasts badly. We know how I feel about roasts. Yeah, but if they would describe as turgid, I think everyone in England would agree with you Yeah, listen Stop calling skin flaccid That's no

You're having bad chicken wings First of all Because you can have chicken wings With crispy skin Like that's a thing that can happen My assumption would be That chicken wings should have crispy skin Yeah

But maybe that's just because this woman has said flaccid so many times That anything other than crispy skin Now in my mind is flaccid So what food stuffs are flaccid Are we talking like Wayfer thin ham cheese slices, cheese strings, licorice.

No, but a cheese string is turgid until you start pulling it apart and then it becomes flaccid. Very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable listing. I'm going to put a special tag on this in Apple Podcasts. Very uncomfortable. So a Werver's original is turgid. Yes.

A chocolate mouse, turgid. Yeah. It's interesting the foods you. you've selected as examples. A chip. A chip is flaccid. Or turgid. It depends on how well cooked it is. A McDonald's fry, flaccid. Sure. A potato wedge, turgid. Exactly. The two kinds of food. Turgid. And how would you like those fries? Uh, flaccid, please. Salty and flaccid. Jelly. Flacid. Oh no, the viscosity of jelly is it's a whole own thing. Yeah, let's ignore that. It's neither solid nor liquid. We can't put it into our heart. Any listeners want to start a thread about the viscosity of jelly so that we can then examine it in a future episode, then please do that.

Yeah. I do find meat quite unsettling in and of itself. The very fact that she's talking about skin so much, like, I'm sorry, but surely once it's in your head that you are thinking about skin, it's time for you to just put the food aside. Going about how well-cooked it is. No, I'm not sure I agree. Crispy chicken skin is actually a little treat. Yeah, you look genuinely delighted. I wish we had a video feed if you're saying.

A nice, crispy, flavourful chicken skin is one of the best bits of a chicken, including a chicken wing, which is why I can't relate to this Opie at all. Sure, but... And I think of it as skin. I don't make the association with human skin. See, but once someone has said skin that many times, I do. And I look at my own hand, and I look at the skin on it, and I think, ugh. Well, yeah.

I mean, chicken wings are ruined for me at the second we started talking about them being flaccid. That's it now. No, but it's only the skin on the wing that is flaccid. Still, I don't want to eat anything flaccid Chicken is my favourite meat But I just don't get wings We just don't have them then It's not compulsory

You shouldn't ruin something you love Because of something you don't love I've never thought about having a favourite meat It does seem like a strange thing to have Yeah, all meat is beautiful A favourite meat Well, all meat is damaging to the environment And sort of immoral to eat really

I suppose though If you can have a favourite fruit Then why not have a favourite meat? Like it wouldn't seem weird to me at all If someone said, oh my favourite fruit is raspberries I'd be like, yeah, cool. Yeah, you're right. I think maybe it is because of the association of meat with animal.

Yeah. But then if someone started talking about the skin on a banana, I wouldn't start going, ick, ick, ick, that's disgusting. Looking at my own hand with its skin on it. Yeah, and that's very much flaccid. Compared to the... The turgid... Turgid banana.

The turgid and phallic banana. Soft chicken skin is always gross. Not just on wings, but it sounds to me like you haven't had a good wing yet. I marinate wings overnight in my own homemade piri-piri sauce. Homemade sauce has 100 times more flavour. Bake the wings in the oven until they're mostly cooked and then finish them off on a charcoal barbecue

so they get crispy, smoky and delicious. Yeah, your favourite meat is just a chicken wing you haven't met yet. This sounds like an awful lot of effort, like an awful lot of effort. Sounds good though. Yeah, I mean it does, but homemade sauce has 100 times more flavour. Well, that really depends, doesn't it? It really depends. Flavour times 100. Depends on what you're comparing it to.

It depends on how good you are at cooking. I know plenty of people who think they're good home cooks and everything they make is so bland. No, there are definitely people who are like, oh, I'm such a good home cook. I'm like, oh my God, it tastes beige. Things need one of the four flavors. Lemon and herb, medium, hot, or very hot.

This pasta is very lemon and herb. Thanks, elves. No, that makes it sound like everything I cook is just using the sauces out of the big bottles at Nando. Just going into Nando's and doing a raid on the sauces and then running away. Yeah, going into Nando's. Hey, there's a chicken loose. Grabbing one of the sauces and getting out.

Someone said, my DD would happily live off them. I roast them with lots of salt until they're super crispy. You have to drain the fat off. You shouldn't live off chicken wings. Your colon, my man, your colon. Especially if you're roasting them with lots of salt. That's not good for you. Yeah, your colon, your heart.

No, bad. No, oh no. You're about bones as well. You're going to have a little pile. A big pile? A big pile. How many chicken wings would you need to make a full meal if there were no other component parts in the meal?

I was just thinking, I think when you go to places and they've got chicken wings on their bar snack menu, they have like six or 12 as their standard portions. Yeah. So, yeah, 10 to 12? Yeah, six for a starter, 12 for a main. Is that on the assumption you're not going to have anything else with it, which you need even more if you didn't have anything else with it?

No, I think that's enough. I'm not an expert. Okay, so if you have 12 chicken wings for each meal, 36 wings a day Oh, that's 18 chickens a day You're not even using the other bits That's wasteful Yeah, use the whole chicken at least

Although I guess someone else will use the other bits Someone else will use the other bits Yeah, no part of the chicken goes to waste So all these homemade options If done right, you can get crispy skin But there's no meat, literally half a mouthful Why bother? Why do restaurants serve you with soft fat?

I don't know what restaurant this person's going to But it doesn't sound right Yeah, also the implication that quality of food is tied to quantity. Like, sometimes you can have little portions and it's very delicious. Like, that's gourmet, having a tiny portion. I don't know if it's gourmet to you get one very salty chicken wing. Well, no, that ain't going to fly on Master's Show. Greg Wollish is going to have you out.

Really salty chicken wing. I've made a single very salty chicken wing in a lemon and herb zoo. Served with turgid potatoes I think this is fantastic Yeah I mean everyone's just saying You're cooking them wrong What are you on about And then someone says

How about turkey wings Much bigger than chicken wings What about that logic? Ostrich wings Ostrich wings How long would you have to cook an ostrich wing To get crispy skin A long time

How much salt would you need? A pile of salt No this is just nonsense Am I being unreasonable? Train journey C-Fs. On a train and goes to the loo. Someone is in it. Wait three, four, five minutes. I have a tactic of trying the door handle several times at intervals, so as to hopefully embarrass anyone who thinks they can stay in there as long as they like into emerging. In this instance, even with trying the door and eventually knocking, no movement at all.

Clearly someone who wants to avoid the ticket inspector for the full three-hour length of this journey, I obviously went to another loop But it really pisses me off When you've got carriages full of people Who've paid 60 quid for a ticket Am I being unreasonable Does this really grind the gears for anyone else So taking on its face

Yes, that would grind the gears But I think that loo's just out of order Yeah If there is no sound behind the door And you've knocked several times And there's no sign of anyone going in or out I think that loo's just out of order And the trains automatically locked it

Yeah, I think that or possibly the person who's in that bathroom is having a difficult time and you've embarrassed them into not emerging because they're like oh god this person's judging me let's trust me out that too like if I was in the bathroom on a train and for some reason something had happened that meant I needed to be in there for ages and then there was someone knocking and jangling the door like the ghost of the toilet no I would hide I wouldn't want to come out because I imagine that when I came out they would probably be very unpleasant to me and the whole thing would be so morphifying that I'm just going to

stay here till my station this person's probably made the situation worse for themselves. Yeah, I thought it was the opposite, that they're angry at a ghost of the toilet. There's no one in there. No, they are the toilet ghost. Yeah. Haunting the toilet that doesn't work. Yeah.

Just wander down the train, see if you can find another one. Yeah. It must be another. You would think so, wouldn't you? If it's a three-hour journey and it was 60-foot-a-ticket-ticket, there should be more than one toilet. Yeah, let's say that's at least a ten-coach train. Yeah, it's not going to be... It's not going to be, like, a commuter train that might have one toilet on it,

and that toilet might well be out of order, but the chances are the train only runs an hour-long route anyway. Like, come on. And also, I have a tactic. How often does this person go around shaming people for needing the bathroom? Have they never heard... Going around slipping notes under the door. Two minutes.

Three minutes. Piling up inside. Four minutes. Yeah? Just... Ten minutes. The cards get bigger every time. So it's like a sheet of A3 for 15 minutes.

Yeah, and then the person can't get the door open because those trained toilets aren't very big. You're trying to get the door open. It's just a stack of paper now. You want to get out to let this person in, but they hend you in. They open the door and paper comes out like in the shining when the lift doors open. Exactly. I have a tactic.

Why would you want to embarrass someone? Like, have they never heard of, for example, Crohn's disease? There are so many reasons that someone might be a long time in the bathroom. That's one of them, but there are loads and loads. And trying to embarrass people doesn't make you come across like some cool dude. Why if there's no other seats? Like on a rampacked virgin train? So you've decided to use the toilet as your little office?

Yeah. That is out of order. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cheeky fuckery. Cheeky fuckery of the highest order. Yeah, if you've gone and you put the lid down and you're just sitting there using it as a seat, you've got your laptop, you're on the Wi-Fi, sending a few emails. Someone knocks and you're like, Stepherson.

into my office. I'm like, no, I need a wee. You're like, no. Yeah. Yeah, that would be very rude. Yeah, it was like that scandal a few days ago when Boris Johnson was found doing this, predicting in the future again. Oh. Boyce Johnson on his way to York

has been found using a toilet as its private study. You know what I'm enjoying about this? The adverts that I'm getting on this page right now are for Avanti West Coast. The advert at the top of my page is London to Edinburgh, £56,000. That's more than three hours, and it's less than £60, so I'm on

know what journey this person's taking, because it seems like they've been ripped off. Maybe it was when Virgin held the franchise, and trains were more expensive. And worse. Yeah. Yeah, maybe, maybe. I mean, I suppose people probably do hide in toilets to get out of paying the fare sometimes, but really? I think it happens regularly enough that you need to devise a tactic to shame people for having toilet needs.

Yeah, I would only hide in the toilet if I saw a colleague from work that I didn't want to talk to. Really? You wouldn't just stare out of the window and hope they didn't notice you? Toilets. But then what if they saw you? you at the station. Like, if you were on your way to life, they saw you at the station, they're like, hey, how are you? I noticed you had to go to the toilet for 40 minutes. I'd say, no, that wasn't me. You were imagining it, like when Don Draper's little brother thought he saw him on the train when he was Dick Whitman. That wasn't his imagination. He thought it was for many years.

Right. And really getting into the weeds with madmen, a show that hasn't been on the air for a decade. Yeah. Should we hear from the thread? Yeah. It might be out of service and permanently locked. And then the O.P. came back and said, no, it's said occupied and I could hear someone inside. Well, you said earlier you couldn't hear movement, so... Yeah, exactly. Who are we to believe? Why are you lying?

Why are you always lying? Someone said, who made you the toilet monitor? Some people take longer than others in the loo, and trying to embarrass or shame them is unhelpful and rude. That's why I take a sash with me on holidays that says toilet monitor. A sash! So I look more facial. Not even just like a little metal pin badge, a full on sash.

Yeah, and I wander the train for a bit to get a sort of quorum of vote. on whether I can be the toilet monitor. Do other people take part in this? Because I'm imagining something that's like Miss World, but rather than all having their sashes that say which country, this says like which region you're the toilet monitor for. Yeah. And then...

First free coaches. Yeah. And then you compete. Rather than the swimsuit round, it's the knocking officiously on the door round. Yeah. Making someone feel bad because they're on their period round. Yeah.

Like you're saying, I'm going on holiday next week, and I hope to get Mr. Tyler Monitor, first three carriages 2020. Fingers cross. I will make you a sash that says toilet monitor if you promise to take it on holiday and wear it around your friends and not make any attempt to explaining why.

But this podcast won't have come out. Exactly. Yeah, everyone's come along and said, you know, this is ridiculous and rude and someone said actually it's cruel. And then someone has said, the only cheeky fucker here is you, O.P. So there we go.

I think if you want to see the cheeky fucker here, you must merely look in the mirror in the bathroom that you can't get into. reversible sash on the outside it says toilet monitor but then the inside you flip it round and it says cheeky fucker for the two are one and the same let's do another thread shall we like dick whitman and dundraper am i being unreasonable i just heard a coronavirus theory and it kind of has weight so this time of year people get sick i personally have had a bad cough with fever my daughter a chest infection and several friends flew mild though to be fair So, the world is in turmoil and at boiling point, where people flying, etc. What to do?

How about we invent a super panic situation with an illness that's quite general in terms of winter illness symptoms and try to get people to care? QBusinesses saying they work remotely. People cancelling flights and holidays. People not booking flights and holidays. Airlines having to cancel flights choose the loss of sales and airports closing. And I don't even believe we're at the pinnacle. People might not care about the earth as an I'm all right. jack thing, but they do care about a pandemic, sure. I know it's probably unreasonable, but I can kind of see it. What do you think? So here's the thing with a lot of conspiracy theories like this. Yeah. Is that they assume a great amount of organisation on the part of world governments and states.

Yeah. And not just organisation in this case, but caring about the environment, it assumes that the government and sort of other capitalist entities in charge of with power, actually care enough about the environment to invent a pandemic, which I would love to believe. Like, that would be great. But if they cared that much, they might have taken action before in a way that is more logical than a fake pandemic. Yeah, we might have not had to wait for years to have a he-through-a-third one-way ruled out on the basis of climate change.

So it's assuming way too much of the government, who I think are run by a bunch of incompetence. Yeah, absolutely. I read a tweet the other day about a new biography of David Cameron and his cabinet that's coming out And Michael Gove once cut his car stuck in the lift at the House of Commerce How? Was the lift broken or did he just do something wrong? Who knows? But apparently there's a lift to the ministerial car park and he got his car stuck in it. So I do not believe that the government is capable of doing anything like this. No, not at all. I think if the theory was that this is a real thing,

virus, but it's being overreported to deflect from government incompetency in other areas, then that's a conspiracy theory I could get on board with. Yeah. If people are like, oh yeah, they're really hammering home this virus stuff because there's stuff that they really don't want taking up the front pages, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, that sounds plausible, okay, bit tinfoil hat, but sure. I don't believe that they, whoever they are. Presumably world governments, the UN.

The Illuminati. The Illuminati. Yeah, sure. Illuminati. because people are getting here. Yeah, that's how they came up with it. They were really racking their brains, and they looked at their own name.

They looked at the sign they have outside their offices. Someone in the meeting room happened to be sitting just in front of the big Illuminati sign, blocking out Omanata. Yeah. Jenkins, don't move. I have an idea. Also, like, sorry, people might not care about the earth as an I'm all right, Jack thing, but do they care about a panace?

Sure. There's a lot of people who don't care about a pandemic. Yeah. There are still plenty of people flying. There's loads of people flying. People are going about their lives. Not everyone is racked with fear. I don't understand. I really don't understand. I'm sure that if the government's had this much power, they would find a way to just ground flights, wouldn't they?

Should we hear from the thread? Yes. I don't think it really has legs. A fake pandemic situation couldn't be dragged on forever. And any flights cancel would be too insignificant to make a difference in the long term. Then the next person says, to be honest, in this day and age, nothing would surprise me. Nothing would surprise you. Not even a fake pandemic to cure climate change. On the part of the world governments. As a response to climate change.

Two of which governments are headed by Donald Trump and Boris Johnson, some of the most incompetent foul men in the world. And also, this is a pandemic that originated in China who notoriously have said that they're not interested in various. climate change initiatives. Because there's lots of stuff around, you know, that. But I don't know what their most recent stance is. But whatever their most recent stances, I'm sure it's not, don't worry, guys. We'll create a fake pandemic. And we'll take the heat from everyone who blames us using weird racist excuses just so that people don't take as many flights. That doesn't sound like the way the Chinese government operate. Just the practicalities of having

nothing surprised you is a very sad life. It just seems sad, doesn't it? I was in the toilet on the train the other day and I predicted someone would start knocking. Didn't surprise me. Because I'd been in there for minutes. I'm not sure, but it's not unimaginable to me. What sets this coronavirus apart from the general January sickness? And why the huge panic situation, etc? It's not January. Yeah, they posted this on the 28th of February. Yeah, A, it's been going on longer than January. B, it's more virulent and has a higher mortality rate. Any more? Anymore for any more? I wonder whether it's against the Moms Net Talk guidelines to post conspiracy theories about

such a serious health topic. I'll find out by reporting, I guess. All right, not. I'm going to teach you. Miss, miss, miss, miss. It's pretty embarrassing for them as well that they wrote that two days ago and the threat still stands. They said coronavirus was a conspiracy about the world government's climate change. Miss. Just focus on your own work. And then someone else has said, I understand the stock markets have dropped.

They won't want that to happen, whoever they are. There we go. Who are they? I don't know. Just the same cabal of world governments and corporate interests. The conspiracy theory is everything is.

Yeah, this is nonsense. What would Greta say? Well, someone has said that Greta is a meddling kid. Would it get away with it if one of the meddling kid? Greta is actually a conspiracy theory invented by the Scooby-Doo writing team who are trying to relaunch that in the public consciousness. Greta is actually just stealth marketing for the film Greta, the bad film.

From last year. The one with all the handbags. The one where a woman puts handbags on the subway. I mean, Greta does love a train. Greta Thunberg, she does. Yeah, and Greta with all the handbags loves the train. Greta is self-marketing for Greta. Shall we do one more?

This one's a listener suggestion, so thank you, Josie. Am I being unreasonable to take my old kitchen knives to the cops? Cleared out the drawer of failed utensils and now have 14 knives, all sharp, various sizes. I checked Google, and as far as I can find, you wrap the blade in cardboard, etc. And throw it in the general waste, as goes to landfill. I don't like the idea of that at all. Firstly, they could accidentally hurt someone. Second, they could be discovered by kids.

Thirdly, resurfaced in 10 years with my DNA all over them, looking like a knife fetishist. So, I want to take them to the police station, put them in an amnesty bucket or something. My D-DAD and DS think I'm being melodramatic and overthinking it. Plus, there isn't a knife amnesty, so there won't be a bucket. And I'm being unreasonable and getting carried away. 14 knives. There's quite a lot of knives, to be fair. From the drawer of failed utensils, that sounds like an art piece.

Yeah. Like the Museum of Frills. broken relationships in Croatia, but on a much smaller scale. I wish we had a spare drawer that we could just use as a drawer of failed utensils. Why? What makes a utensil failed? You're just cutting into a chicken wing one day, and it can't get through. Even the flaccid skin of a chicken wing.

And you're like, no, and ceremonially drop it into the drawer of failed utensils. Yeah, like... If it's dead brethren. Like the toys from Toy Story, like the toys that the kid wrecks, Sid. Yeah, I was thinking of forky, the utensil, who is now a toy. Even better, because he wouldn't be usable as a utensil anymore. Yeah. Because he's a toy.

Yeah, and you can't let kids play with these toys. They sound sharp, and various sizes. If they're still sharp, what's the problem is what I want to know. What's the problem? Well, firstly, they could accidentally hurt someone. Second, they could be discovered by kids. And thirdly, and most importantly, they resurfaced precisely 10 years later with their DNA all over them. Imagine taking all your failed utensils and just putting them in a time capsule.

Just to mess with people. And a sample of your DNA, so they can do comparisons. 100 years from now, so like you'll be dead and gone. It's not your problem. A strand of your golden hair. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll be like looking for crimes that were committed and never solved around that time

because I'll think only a criminal would do something this weird. No, what I actually mean is, like, why do they need to? get rid of these knives. Why are they failed? They're all sharp. They're various sizes. Yeah, that's a good question. What test have they failed? Are they flaccid? You've used a knife too much if it's the point where it's flaccid. Flop in a boot. You've really failed. Like a fencing sword. Maybe she could donate them to the local fencing club. Yeah. Or local gang. Gangs are always looking for knives. Well, apparently so. That's why the kids.

are somehow going to find the knives that end up in the landfills. Yeah, scooping through the bins. Where does she live where the kids are rummaging through landfill? Don't it? Kids love longfills, thanks to that terrible propaganda, Stig of the dump. Kids love going to the dump to try and find Stig. Do they? Yeah. I don't know a lot of kids, and that's fine.

If anything, now I know that kids love landfill, it's even better that I don't know a lot of kids. Yeah. I was fine with it already, and now, if anything, I'm delighted. Also, why did she think that she would, like, a knife fetishist? Why would you immediately leak to If someone finds something with your DNA on it They will assume that it's because you have some sort of sexual interest In whatever they've found

Yeah, we have a block of five knives All sharp, various sizes That's what it said on the box We got that block relatively recently Like in the last couple of years What happened to the old block? Did you give it to the knife amnesty? I put it in the bin

Did you wrap it in cardboard? I put the knives in the block in it Oh, I'm sure it's fine But just so you know If those knives do resurface with our DNA all over them and people think we're knife fetishists. I'm going to blame you for that. Oh, it's fine.

I bleached the knives. Obviously, I thought of this. Oh, good. Good. Put the knives in bleach and boiling water. Decontaminated them. Who does this person, like, who goes through Landfill? And then starts DNA testing stuff

and then leaps the conclusion that whatever it is is somehow sexual emotive. Like, just rummaging through the landfill. You're finding, I don't know, like old ketchup bottles. And then you do a DNA test, and you're like, oh my God. Joe Bloggs is aroused by ketchup. Like, no. It's so weird.

Ma'am, we found these knives in your bin, and we've tied them to a crime that was never solved. Jack the Ripper, you're coming with us. I don't even live in London. I mean... There's no way that knife was manufactured in 1880. I mean, the biggest problem with this scheme that she wants to take her old knives to the cot

is that there isn't a knife up nested. So there's no thing. Which is thrown in at the end. So he's going to go along and dump the knives at the police station, which is a place where criminals gather because the police have taken them there. I was going to say... So it's even worse. Also, if you drop your knives off during a knife amnesty,

they've assured you that, like, you won't get in trouble. They just want the knives off the stream. If there's not a knife amnesty, you turn up with a load of knives to the cops. They haven't made any assurances. You're going to jail. Yeah, that's not an amnesty. You're out. You've admitted it.

Shall we hear from the thread a bit? My knives are stabbed into the garden with the handle sticking out. I didn't know how to dispose off them. Not like that. Not some weird little cemetery of knives in that garden. Little orchard of knives.

Yeah. Sewing your wild knives. Come children to the cemetery of knives. The new Neil Gaiman novel. You will have to dispose of them. Like knives aren't biodegradable. What if you move out and then the new people come and your garden is full of knives?

What if they're trying to do gardening? They're going to hurt themselves? or if they've got pets or children who want to play in the garden? Well, yeah, how is that better than putting it in the landfill? If anything, they're more visible sticking handles out in the garden. That's some spooky shit. Yeah. Like, the only way that could be spooky is if on all the handles that are sticking out,

you just engrave a name and then a date. That would be good. That does run the risk of looking like a knife fetishes, so. Oh, it does. What if they blossom into a beautiful knife tree? Wow. Yeah, nature. Someone had said, where do you think the police knives will end up?

And then the OPs come back and said, is that where they go? Landfill? I don't know. I don't know where knives go when they die? Why don't you know and ask the police when you turn up with 14 sharp knives? Obviously, the police will keep these knives in a secure vault after blunting them and removing all traces of your DNA in case a criminal mastermind breaking in and taping them, framing you for a terrible crime. Just chuck them safely. Yeah, I think they're being ironic, though. Yeah.

This has got me thinking, if you had 14 knives all sharp various sizes, What furniture could you make out of them? Game of Thrones style. A little stool. A little bookshelf. A very small bookshelf. It turns how big the knives are. You got 14 machets. You can make a pretty much. Maybe a mirror, a bathroom mirror. Wow, that would be alarming. Is it bad ass or is it horrifying? Someone said, why don't you call the police non-emergency number? You don't, just because something's not an emergency, doesn't mean you have to call non-emergency number. You don't have to call them every time there's not an emergency number. You don't have to call them every time there's not an emergency number. It's like, hello? I'm making a cup of tea. No, it's not an emergency.

I thought this number was for not emergencies. Just call the emergency number and say, I've found a knife. It's not a lie. And then you can just give it in when they're come. Yeah, sure. Someone's come along to defend the OP. You can laugh at the OP and me all you want. I don't think OPE is being stupid at all.

And if the police had anything about them, they give them matter some consideration. Part of their job is to prevent crime, so a safe drop-off point would fit with this. It's easy to say dispose of them safely, but what exactly is safe? I live in an area where knife crime is rife. And a metal scrap man does a tour of the area once in a blue moon. There's a recycling system where the collectors empty the receptacles using their hands.

So leaving knives in the bin would be a health and safety issue for them. You seem to live somewhere uniquely difficult to get rid of knives. But what recycling system is it where there's just people reaching in with their bare hands and pulling things out? Like a pick and mix, like a lucky dick That doesn't seem plausible to me No No, someone said is there not an amnesty box

Now we've covered that there's not an amnesty box That's one of the first things he said Now I found a large knife in my garden a few years ago I spoke to our local beat officer And he said there hadn't been any recent incidents That would make it of interest Told me to wrap it in cardboard

And put it in the general waste Some palliolas came down and put it in the garden Handle sticking out That's how you dispose of knives We've covered this Probably just a previous tenant planted it Just stick them in the ground You only noticed it because it had blossomed into a great big knife

Yeah, beautiful Started out as a tiny pen knife That's how knives reproduce Now you've got a beautiful machete Should we do one more speed round? Yeah Am I being unreasonable to keep dating him if I'm not sure Nah, dump him

Amma being unreasonable To crack open the wine No, go for it my man Amma being unreasonable Parents refusing help Yeah, they need your help And am I being unreasonable not to fancy old men? Well, yeah, old men can be very dapper.

Look, it's for Ian McKellon. We don't have to fancy old men. Yeah, I have to fancy old men. Yeah, it's not unreasonable not to. Yeah, it's not an emergency. No. Call 101. Speak to them about it.

It's not an emergency. Yeah. I fancy doing Jacobi. Thanks for the thread, Josie. Yeah, thank you. If anyone else has any thread suggestions, we're always very happy to receive them. Please do, just send us a DM,

or that's probably the only. way to get hold of us really. We don't have any other social media going on. Yeah. I was on another podcast recently. I can't believe you've cheated on me. Yeah. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. This is heartbreaking. But I was on the podcast Lost in the Stacks, which is also an American radio show, talking about neoliberalism and openness in higher education and whatnot. So it's the episode that went out on 28th of February. Have a listen to what that's like. I also have a few film reviews out for the Glasgow Film Festival on take one cinema.net. Awesome. Thank you for listening. Thanks. Bye.