You Are Being Unreasonable - 067 - In which we go on a date with a catfish-dog and listen to cursed seashells

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

"Don't put yogs up your foof." Good news! We're temporarily moving to weekly You Are Being Unreasonable episodes to help provide some relief from... everything. In non-COVID-19 chat, we discuss "tricking" friends into eating vegan sausages and going on holiday with the Sausage Lads, dating dog-owners and dating Human Centipedes, when it is and is not right to throw something from a colleague's desk into the bin, what to do when you get spice in and around your "foof", and how comfortable we both are throwing shapes (?) on the dancefloor. This episode is accidentally brought to you by Richmond's Vegan Sausages and The Amazing World of Gumball on Cartoon Network.

Hello, driving on drugs feels better when they're prescription. All I know, the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day, when I felt the way that I do right now, right now. I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think about I felt that day. Hello.

Hello, welcome to you, I'm Being Unreasonable, the podcast about people being Unreasonable, on mumsnet.com with me, Hells. And me, Simon. We're putting out an extra episode in our off week, which we might continue to do for as long as there's no reason to go outside. We have nothing better to do. Exactly.

Yeah, we can't go outside as much as we normally would. I mean, it's Friday, so normally I would be at the club throwing shapes, mad shapes, all kinds of shapes on the dance floor. You're not saying shapes very confidently. You're saying shapes, like you're not really sure that shapes is the word you're looking for. Is it shapes?

I'll be throwing shapes. I want to say shapes. Yeah, but we're also practicing podcast distancing. So make sure to wash your ears with soap after you finish listening to this podcast. Maybe you do that every week anyway. Yeah. Maybe you're scrubbing your ears, you're poking out your mind's eye. And yet you keep coming back.

Yeah, and keep 15 minutes between this podcast and the next podcast you listen to. Yeah. That's good. That's a good piece of advice. Don't spread the contagion. Here's an update on Mumsnet. Mumsnet have created a new section for coronavirus threads. So they've moved all the threads from Am I Being Unreasonable into their own bit. They've quarantined them in the coronavirus section of the website.

I've cleared it out so we don't have to listen to their coronavirus shit. Yeah, with that, should we do the speed round? Yeah. Am I being unreasonable to think virus threads should stay in their dedicated section? Well, yeah, that's what it's for. That's what we're just talking. about. It's the only virus thread I can see on this page. You're the only person who broke the rule. Yeah. If you think about posting about coughing, you need to go to the virus thread.

Exactly, for seven days. And I'm being unreasonable to despair that this sexual crassness is not news, BBC. Are they despairing that the sexual crassness is not featured on the news or that sexual crassness is not, or it has been on the news and they don't think it's news? Does this person not have the internet at home? Are they sitting down at six? P.m. every night, hoping to see a boob. Like, if you want to see sexual crassness, just look at porn. They were waiting for years, and then

that Janet Jackson thing happened at the Super Bowl. And now they've just been waiting again in the fallow years. Yeah. Oh, I feel sorry for them. Let's do a thread. Am I being unreasonable? First date. Guy bringing dog? So, I've been chatting to a guy online who seems very nice, etc.

and we've arranged to meet for the first time at the weekend. We're going for lunch at a pub in a village halfway between where we both live. I'm aware he is a dog owner and very fond of his dog, talks a lot about him, sends pictures of him, etc. Through the course of our message exchange, it transpires that he's bringing his dog to the first date. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Am I being unreasonable in feeling that it's odd?

Or should I just embrace it? After all, a plump middle-aged woman can hardly be too choosy. I got news for you, my friend. The dog is the person you've been talking to online. Oh, no. And the man is the distraction. He's hired an actor. Oh, like some sort of Serrano de Bergerac situation.

Exactly. Oh, no. This is like a catfish, but a dog. He's doing the cat fishing. A dogfish? A cat dogfish. Cat dog. Can dog?

Do you remember cat dog? All alone in the world with a little cat dog, cat dog. Cat dog. Cat dog was really weird. I love it. There was that period of weird-ass Nickelodeon shows. Yeah. Sort of Ren and Stimpy Cat Dog.

I think Nickle-Hanald to some extent that sort of culminated in the Sun SpongeBob Square fence. I think Nickelodeon shows might be weird again because my friend worked on Gumbull and Gumbull looked very odd. Yeah. Yeah. Someone I worked with who has a child who's like the age that Gumbull is aimed at. It's like, oh yeah, Gumbull is wild.

Like, it's very strange. These gen Xers with their new humour that out understand. Maybe you do understand it. Maybe we should stop making a podcast and we should use this isolation time and write our own Nickelodeon show about a woman and a dog who are dating, but the woman thinks she's dating the man.

And it'll be very wholesome. Yeah, I mean, you clearly are dating the dog here. Oh, absolutely. That's why the person was made clear that they're a dog owner. Yeah. They've been planting seeds. Yeah. Because they're a smart dog.

good boy. Yeah, she's going on a first date with Rex and... He's a clever boy. He's a clever boy. He's a clever boy. Her reaction seems awfully strong. They're going to a pub at lunchtime in a village. If they were going to a gourmet restaurant, then yeah, that would be super weird. Like, oh, we're going to a Michelin-Star restaurant and he's bringing a dog. I'm like, okay, that's unusual behaviour. Or like, oh yeah, we're going to the opera and he's bringing his dog. Yeah, we're going to see Hamilton. He's free tickets. Me, him, dog. I was going to say, though, the seats at Hamilton are very small.

A dog would get really restless. I got restless, and I am not a dog. You're not a dog. Country to what anyone who I went to school with might have said about me. Yeah, and then, like, it's really sad that she thinks that as a plump middle-aged woman, she has to go out with a dog. Yeah. Like, if you don't want to see the dog, like if you're allergic or whatever, just say, no, please don't bring the dog.

Yeah, but if he talks about the dog a lot and he sends pictures of the dog, it's not going to be that far into the relationship that he wants the dog to be a feature of it, right? Because you can't leave dogs alone. It's not like cats. Why if he turns up and he's visually impaired? What, and all of these pictures have been off a guide dog, and she's somehow not realised that it's a guide dog. Maybe it doesn't wear a little vest. It didn't like it.

Guide dogs don't generally wear a little vest, but they've got a harness that has a thing that says I'm a working dog, don't pet me. Yeah, that's what I meant. Maybe it didn't like that. It'd be very difficult, wouldn't it, to have a guide. Maybe it's a plain clove's guide dog. Undercover guide dog. That would also be a great premise for a show. I honestly don't know what her problem is.

It seems like the sort of date where you would take a dog. A dog owner can't leave a dog kicking about at home. That's just the realities of having a dog. Yeah. So if you don't want to spend time with a dog, this man, it's not for you. It would be weird if he was bringing his hamster or his lizard or his eagle. A ferret. Yeah.

A ferret on a lead or a bird. If he shows up and he's got a parrot and he's not. not a pirate, you need to dump his ass. If he shows up and he's got a parrot and he is a pirate, then I think... Also dump his ass. I was going to say, take that on a case by case. Okay. Depends what sort of pirate he is.

Well, as we've learned, pirates are not good role models for children. They are bad men who committed crimes. Yeah, criminal crimes. Yeah, a ferret, a bird, a hamster. These would all be bad and weird. But showing up with a dog, for a person who has a dog is perfectly normal. If you don't have a dog, then don't turn up to a date with a dog. Don't shop.

Like, hey, look at this fella that I just found on the street tied to a lamp post. Yeah. Like, yeah, don't take a stolen dog to a date. But if it's your own dog, then, ah. It's good to prepare them. Like, if you want to be my lover, you're going to have to meet my dog. If you want to be my lover, you're going to hang with my dog. Woo, who, who, who, who, foo, woo, woo, woo.

Yeah. Again, I am not even in isolation. This is just me having already gone mad. Day zero. has already gone mad demanded we record a podcast and then started singing some spice girls parody composed

The spice dogs My DP brought his dog to our first day As we arranged to have a dog walk But obviously Well yeah It'd be weirder in that circumstance If he hadn't turned up were a dog If he said should we go for a dog walk

And these would have you had a dog And then you just, what, walked around And had to look for a dog Walked as if you were a dog You both just did like an improv bit Where you walked around as if you were a dog If he'd said, let's go dogging And you thought that meant dog walk

And he turned up without a dog That would be Legit Oh, that is some boredy 70s humor Isn't it? One person thinks they're going for a dog walk Nethon thinks they're going dogging Terrible

You're being unreasonable Owners come attached to their dogs. It would be much odd of him not to bring it. It's a bit weird to say attached. Yeah, they're not one entity. They're not merged like in the thing. Oh, you went for the thing. I was thinking of the human centipede. Yeah, also bad.

Worse. Much worse. If there's any sort of human centipede situation going on, then don't go on the date. Good advice, yes. Thanks. This has been dating advice. With hells.

There's an episode of manners where Travis says, like, don't ask me for dating advice because I've been married for 10 years. Like, I'm not the one for dating advice. And I think I've just realized that I am also not the one for dating advice. I don't know. I don't know what it's like out there. Wild probably, but probably not human centipede. Wild. I think they have a site for that now. For people who want to go on a date with two people and then get sewn together. Yeah. H.C. looking for M. H. H.C. looking for W. H. H.C. looking for H. H.C. looking for H. Why are all the human-sensip people so binary.

You tell me. That's what good dog owners do. They take them out wherever they can. Lunch at a village pub sounds ideal. Well now it sounds like a date between the man and the dog. Lady in the Tramp style, but it's a man and a dog eating spaghetti. Am I being unreasonable? Tricked by vegan sausages. I had a friend round for dinner last night.

It was a last minute plan. She lives in another city and only told me on the day that she was free that evening. So I didn't make anything fancy. I had in the fridge a packet of Richmond vegan sausages and some potatoes. I've been vegan for about 10 years. Longer than the entire time I have known this friend. As we were finishing eating, my husband got home from a late work event and saw that we'd had the sausages. So he asked if they had been nice.

I said they were good and I'd happily have them again. Friend gets a really odd look on her face and then says to me, You didn't tell me these were vegan sausages. I said no, I assumed you would know that anything I cooked. Dory would be vegan. She said I was wrong to assume that I had tricked her. She said that it would be like me coming to dinner at her house and being tricked into eating a meat sausage. Am I being unreasonable? Are these two things not the same? For one, I definitely don't feel like I tricked her. She saw me cook the sausages and if she had asked anything at all about them, I would have told her

what was in them. For another, her diet doesn't preclude her from eating vegan items, but mine does preclude me from eating meat. So in my opinion, That's a lot worse to give a vegan a meat sausage than it is to give a non-vegan a vegan sausage. For info, the sausages don't contain any soy and she doesn't have any food allergies. I was worried that there might be food allergies involved, but there's not. No. So this is nothing. Never fear.

This is nothing except for what it is. And what it is, is a great explanation of why you should try Richmond vegan sausages. Yeah. It's... Sponsored by Richmond vegan sausages. They're cheaper than the usual brand. Yeah. They don't contain any soy.

Exactly. A meat eater thought that they were meat sausages, so they must be pretty authentic. Yeah, they're just delicious and authentic. Please, Richmond, DM us to get our address so you can send us some free sausages. We need them. It's not a big ask, is it, for a Richmond vegan sausage to taste like a Richmond sausage. Because a Richmond sausage, it's not a meaty sausage. It's not a high-quality butcher's item.

Yeah. Back when I used to eat pork sausages a million years ago, I used to love a Richmond sausage, especially a skinless Richmond sausage, because it was just, it was unlike food. It was just a smooth, bland, comforting experience. Great. Unlike anything that you could possibly claim was nutrition. Loved it. That's what you want from a sausage, bland. She don't want a sausage to be too meaty. My mom always talks about sausages that are too meaty, oh, I don't like that. It was one of those meaty sausages. I like a meaty sausage, right enough. Yeah. And like by that, she's not saying, oh, it was a sausage that was meat. I was hoping for a veggie sausage. She's like it was a high-quality

so I didn't want that. Yeah, like a Richmond sausage, isn't that? Yeah, look, if the person had any allergies or whatever, then it would be bad. If the person only ate meat, if they were a carnivore, it would be bad. But they're not, because no one's like that. Except Jordan Peterson and his all-beef diet has made him dreadfully ill. Yeah, if the friend in question was a simple lion, then I could see how this could be an issue. Yeah, if you've made a date with someone and they turn that to be.

a lion. And it would be bad to go to a vegan restaurant. You're a vegan dog and you're cooking Richmond sausages, but they're vegan. And your date, the simple lion, can't read the packaging, what with them being a lion. That lion will eat the dog and then eat the sausages. You have to put them in separate baskets to get them over the river. Exactly. Why did the friend think they were meat sausages? Aside from the fact that Richmond vegan sausages are so convincing. Fantastic. Why did, yeah, why did the friend think that... I don't know, if you've gone around to a vegan's house, you can assume that you're getting a vegan dinner.

Yeah. So I went on holiday last weekend with some friends, most of whom are vegans, and we ate all vegan food. So when... Or as some people call it food. Yeah. So when some sausages came out in the morning, and no one explicitly said they were meat,

I didn't say, after biting into them, why aren't these meat? You've tricked me. Because I have assumed from the clues around me, the contextual clues, that they would be vegan sausages. I like that you said when some sausages came out, like you're all sitting having breakfast,

and then two sausages came in, the lads, the sausage lads. All right, morning. Right, boys. Wearing, like, sleep caps and nightgams. Cute, cuty sausages. We didn't know those sausages were going to share a bed either, so they came out in all senses of the word. Aw, sausage friends.

Yeah, no, it's nice to admit they felt comfortable around us. sausage friends actually sounds like some sort of 70s homophobia. I'm talking about anthropomorphised sausages guys. I love an anthropomorphised food mascot. It's my favourite thing. Not once I've edited it. It won't sound like that. Well, don't do the edit to make me sound like a homophobe,

because then we've lost every listener we have. Our listeners are a good, progressive group of people. They're not going to be like, oh, yeah. It's funny when they do a song. Hells is cancelled for using the slur I've never heard. heard of, sausage friend. If I were to be cancelled, I'd want to be cancelled for a misrepresentation of an anthropomorphised food mascot, because I feel like that's on brand, but I would prefer not to be cancelled.

I think the best way to get round this is to print a little menu every time you serve a meal, like my mum does on Christmas Day. Yeah, that is really cute, your mum is really cute. Yeah, but she only prints a menu on Christmas Day, because it, It's kind of a big one and you have the whole family round and stuff. Doing it for every meal sounds onerous, but it's really the only way to get around situations like this. Yeah, you just need a little allergen card.

Yeah. But then even at a lot of restaurants, you have to ask to see the full allergen list. So, and also she hasn't got any allergies. She's just got bizarre moral objection to eating Richmond vegan sausages, even though they're cheap, delicious and convincingly taste of meat. Yeah, yeah. It was like that Master Chef challenge the other night. where they had to make plant-based food,

and the person saying it complained about a lot of the food because it didn't taste meaty. The person saying it was William Sitwell, who I believe got fired from Waitrose magazine for saying he wanted to kill all vegans. So you said, like, maybe he was trying to make amends, and that's why he set the challenge. Yeah, but I think he was just trolling.

I think he just set the challenge just so that he could be mean about the food, because I think he's an unpleasant poshoe. Well, they all seemed amazed that vegan fish was a thing that could be made. Oh my bad. That was so annoying. Like, oh, you're so innovative. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you came up with this. Toe fish and chips is literally available as a ready meal from Marks and Spencers. You can probably buy it at spoons. I don't know. I haven't been to spoons in a long time because spoons are bad. Don't go to spoons. I know it's cheap, but don't go to spoons. Should we hear from the thread a bit? So there's quite a few people on the thread who are like, I don't eat vegan franken food. They're highly processed. Rani, rani, rani. Like, fine. If you don't want to eat meat substitutes because you think they're highly processed foods, then that's... absolutely up to you, but I must point out that there is not a sausage in the world that occurs naturally. I was going to say, I've got some bad news about your meat products. Where do you think sausages come from? What bit of the animal do you think is actually already a fully formed

sausage? The peen. Oh! Just to say, there is someone on this thread who firmly believes, like genuinely believes the point where I think they report the OPE to Mumsnet that this is stealth marketing by Richmond. So I will just, you know, give that person some credit. Yeah, whereas we are openly marketing Richmond. Yeah, absolutely. They're great. Richmond vegan sausages. Yeah, and would like some free sausages.

Always. Am I being unreasonable to think a colleague has no right to take something from your desk and throw it in the bin? I'm not talking about food or drink. Wow, that's... That's it. Details are sparse. Yeah. I guess, no.

It depends on the colleague. It depends on the colleague? Yeah, if it's a cleaner and you've left a crisp wrapper on your desk, then perfectly within their rights to take it from your desk and throw it in the bin. This is why we need more context. When you said it depends on the colleague, I thought you meant like, you know, if it's your manager, then you need to know your place as a subordinate and if they want to throw your mobile phone in the bin, then that's on then. But no, okay, yeah. If it's your manager and it's a crisp wrapper, I think they'd be within their rights to throw it in the bin. Yeah, I sit next to

someone and her manager has walked past her desk once before and throwing a banana skin in the bin like she was still eating the last mouthful of banana she hadn't finished chewing and he was just there like oh we're tidying up after you which seems a bit excessive but you know she would have put it in the bin she just wanted to finish that mouthful if it's IT staff and they come along and through your keyboard in the bin because you're getting a new one also fine why would they throw it in the bin and then leave a time delay before they bring the new one great news we've ordered you that new ergonomic keyboard so I'll just lob this one in the bin maybe they're drama queens yeah And then you're like, okay, when's it coming? And they're like, oh, next week. I'm like, but do, I've got to fish this out of the bin. It's covered in banana skins. All these banana skins and crisp wrappers in this bin. Yeah.

I just think there's circumstances that that is not unreasonable. But we don't know anything about the cyberstices here. If we're talking about a family photo, then no, that's some madman shit right there to walk in and throw a family photo in the bin. What if your family look haunted and it's disturbing other people to see the picture? What if? What if you've somehow got a family photo where the... the eyes follow people around the room.

Yeah. And they're like, nah. This is too spooky. This is a spooky picture. Although, if one of my colleagues had a spooky family photo like that, I wouldn't put it in the bin. I think I would just try to sort of edge it round so it was out of my eye line. It's a good idea. Just put it behind a monitor.

And then absolutely swear blind you didn't do it and gaslight them into thinking that their spooky picture is in fact haunted. Yeah, it just moved. I wouldn't actually gaslight the colleague into thinking that their spooky picture was haunted. So what if you move, what if a colleague comes up to your desk and puts your cursed seashell that when you put it to your ear, you hear your death, throws it in the bin off your desk? You know, sometimes I'm not good at doing things

that I know will be good for reducing my own anxiety, and if I had a cursed seashell... If your colleague had a cursed seashell. No, but I'm saying if I were the colleague who had the cursed seashell, and it was on my desk, and when I put it to my ear, I heard my own death, I would know that listening to that seashell would be doing me no good whatsoever but I wouldn't be able to tear myself away and my colleagues on the

whole were quite nice and so if one of them put it in the bin you'd be glad that they put the cursory shell in the bin I'd be like thanks for looking out like looking out for me like that yeah one of my colleagues bought me some hand cream earlier this week and I nearly cried because she'd seen that I'd washed my hands to the point where they were red raw and that my hand cream is scented and so it was making matters worse she came into work yesterday morning with just some plain hand cream she was like try this I bought us a thing each and I nearly cried. So then if she threw that in the bin, if she took away my hand cream, I'd be upset. That would be bad. This is what I mean. It depends on context. Hand cream in the bin,

bad. Cursed seashell, good. Yeah. Okay. Well, good to know. If you brought in your dog to work and someone throws it in the bin, bad. Well, if you've got like a framed inspirational quote on your desk. Yeah. And someone throws that in the bin because it's obnoxious. Just a live, laugh, love, love. A frame that says live laugh, love in it in comic sands. A cursed live laugh love where it tells you how long you're going to live what your last laugh will be and who your only love will be I just think if the object's cursed it's fine to throw it in the bin get that shit out of your life no curses in 2020 yeah fine that's the energy we're going for so someone said is it a state secret or something if someone's thrown out a state secret from

your desk then you should not have had a state secret lying around loose on your desk anyway It should be locked away somewhere safely. Yeah. Very bad. I've worked in restricted environments and state secrets need to go in confidential waste, not just the general bin. Everything where I work needs to go in confidential waste.

I started writing a postcard to someone, not like a wish you were here postcard, like a postcard to a company, a typed-up letter. Miss you! No, like a little handwritten note. I started writing it and then I immediately smudged it because I'm left-handed and the cards are slightly shiny because the communications team don't want me to be happy.

And every day I try to write a handwritten note and then I left-handedly smudged the shogany postcards. Have you tried writing with your right hand? So people get a scary note. Yeah. So it just says like, Dear Fred, thanks! No.

I gave you all the clues. But like, I smudged it and I just tore it in half. I meant to put it in the recycling. It was like you should put that in the confidential way. that's got a name on it. It's like, it's got a first name and no address and no meaningful content. All we know is that someone tried and failed to write to Fred. Someone has said if it was offensive, I would support them,

e.g. if it was racist or misogynistic. Oh yeah, if you've left your gollywog on your desk, then someone should definitely put it in the bin. Well, yeah, we're throwing that away. Yeah. We're throwing that right away. If you've got your portrait of Adolf Hitler on your desk, we're putting that in the bin, my friend.

We are. That's going. And the OPs come back and said, it wasn't rubbish for anyone telling me to tidy my desk, and it was nothing worth confidential. That's still not enough. So we've narrowed it down a little bit, but no, absolutely no idea what it could possibly be.

And then she's come back again and said, it doesn't really matter what it was. I don't want to be too identifiable. There's a line between two identifiable and no details. And then she's come back again and said, and it was nothing work-related. If we apply this logic to the previous threads, then like if someone had said,

first date and a guy is bringing something we wouldn't be able to judge it we can't make that judgment I fed my friend something and that's very angry yeah then we might be on her side a little more

the OP's back really do you need me to name the company would it been better if I said my colleague threw away something that I left to my property called company X I call it my desk just like every other person who doesn't the hot desk and sit there at the same desk it was something like a postcard a photograph etc something small and personal that was given to me it was a cursed shell she's like a riddle it was the cursed shell something small and personal that was like a postcard or a photograph but it's not a

postcard or a photograph it was a cursed seashell that my grandmother left me in her will now i have to get rid of it within 30 days so this is a listener suggestion we love a listener suggestion a listener suggestion from jack on twitter thanks jack thank you jack am i being unreasonable spicy Foof. Not really am I being unreasonable, but to be honest, I don't think mum's not a topic for this. I batch cooked a curry yesterday. I'm a chilly head and I have a little jar of death that I add very sparingly to make it the heath I want. No one else will be eating it. Clearly, I've dripped some over the side of the jar and got it on my fingers. I didn't really notice, didn't rub my eyes or anything. Then I went for a wee and wiped. I'm now sitting here,

legs crossed Fanny on fire! Help! It'll probably pass shortly. without any lasting damage. And I'm not going to go slathering mayonnaise or milk or whatever on the area. But with any kind, Mum, Thessa, please distract me. I really thought that Foof was a typo. So when I opened up the DM that this was sent to us in. Oh yeah. When you said spicy foof, I assumed that meant spicy food and it was about spicy food. Yeah. But no, this is footh as a euphemism for vagina. So I opened up the DM and this was sent to us in and I read the first bit and I was like, well, my brain had auto-corrected food to food. And then I got down to realising that it was footh and just burst out laughing, laughing like a loon.

Imagine you don't want a spicy footh. No, I hate the word foof. I really hate the word foof. Yeah, I'm a man without a vagina, so I do not know what it would be like to have a spicy foo. But I imagine, not fun. Not fun. If it's not fun for everyone, it's not fun at all. Exactly.

But, yeah, I mean, you drink milk when you have spicy food on your tongue, so... I do like that they've leapted to the idea that, like, slathering mayonnaise. or milk on it is what someone might suggest because they've jumped in to say, I'm not going to slav a mayonnaise or milk on it. I think you might be protesting too much. I'm not sure about mayo, but milk. They don't waste good mayo.

Yeah. Milk, though. But how much milk is there available at the moment? I don't know what the stockpiling situation is with milk. I don't know. You don't even be using any precious resources right now. I'm a chili head, and I have a little jar of death that I add. Well, if you've got a jar of death,

then surely you know that nothing good will come of that. You want to be careful with that jar of death. I like spicy food right now. Yeah. Like a little hot sauce. Sure. But you've got to be careful getting on your fingers. Yeah, you don't want it on your fingers. Especially these days. All your thingies. Don't touch your face with your hands. Don't touch your footh. Yeah, I mean, just as a rule. But especially if you've had the jar of death. Yeah. And you've spilled all down the side of the jar of death. The jar of death is what she could call her footh. Now it's all spicy. Sorry, that was really crass off me. That was the crass sexualised news

That this other person didn't want to hear on the BBC Shouldn't be on the news Shouldn't be on the news Do teens nowadays want to take the jar of death challenge What is the jar of death challenge You put the whole jar on your footh Oh No

No That's why it's a challenge No Tidepod challenge Does people really do the Tidepod challenge Or did that get wildly blown out of proportion Depends what Tide Pod challenge You're talking about

If it's eating it I think some people did, if it's putting it up your footh. Yeah, that's... I don't think anyone did that. I think that's something I came up with just now. Yeah. Yeah. Go sit in a bath.

Go sit in a nice chili bath. Not a chili bath. Oh no! A cold bath. Someone said, honestly, yogurt will help. It's a remedy for thrush. Just use plain Greek whole fat, though. Don't dry sticking a mullah corner up there.

Oh! And then lots and lots of people asking if they've got any yogurt. And someone on Twitter the other day asked us to say the word yogs more often. So, here we go. Don't put yogs up your footh. No, do put yogs on your footh. But not muller carna's. Yeah.

If you were to put a muller carna there, if you had to, would you do the crispy bit first or the yogg bit first? No. Simply no. You had to if you've got a spicy food and there's only muller yogs in the house. Someone said sit in a cold bath for a few hours. That's going to create a whole new problems, isn't it? Because your skin's going to go all pruny and weird, and you'll be freezing. You're going to get a cold.

You don't get a cold from being cold. Viruses survive better in cold weather, but you don't get a cold from being cold. Just like you don't get a cold by going out with wet hair. These are old wives tales, and this fake news is very unhelpful in the current climate, Simon. I heard you get coronavirus if you go outside with a spicy foof. Don't say things like that. It's unhelpful. Someone had said, I thought this was going to be about some weird sexual fantasy of your DHS.

Well. Why would you assume that it was the husband's sexual fantasy when the husband isn't the one who's come on mums there and said, oh, I just need distracting. If you need distracting, you're on the internet. There's plenty of distractions out you're telling everyone about your chilly fanny. Yeah, just put spicy footh in Pornhub. There'll be loads of hits. Yeah, I've listened to that John Ronson podcast about Pornhub and how everything's really categorised within an inch of its life. because that's how they managed to monetise porn hub so effectively.

Someone has said, this is the reason I still read Mumsnet. You ladies are hilarious. That's someone I don't want to meet. Someone who says, you ladies are all hilarious. This is the reason I still read Mumsnet. It's definitely someone who's got like six or seven different signs in their house

about how much they love Prosecco. I can picture this person and I don't think they're for me. Now, live, laugh, love, love at Mumsnet, love Mumsnet. Live Mumsnet, laugh, Mumsnet, love Mumsnet. Someone said, peel a cold cucumber and place it lengthways along the affected area. That sounds like someone's got experience. Why'd you have to peel it? I don't know.

Maybe you don't want the skin, the flaccid skin. No, but the, oh no, no, no. Anyone else now got the horrifying image of a poor man with yogurt all over her food for a cucumber there. Then someone said like a weird party dip. And that's reminded me I need to get on with making the Mum's Net recipe zine. So... What is this recipe? Cucumber yogurt spicy food.

Satsiki for one's Vajjo Served in a ball shaped like a vagina Yeah, okay With cucumber for dipping Let's do one more speed round Amma being unreasonable Puddle Saga's Red 4

Still going Still going Still going Still going One day we'll do our special Full length investigation of it But not today Not today

A suggestion for the speed round From a listener Thanks to Sarah for this suggestion Amma being unreasonable To wear a poncho Depends on the context At a funeral, yes. What if it's a formal dark poncho?

Amma being unreasonable? It's not milk. It's not milk, but it's up my footh. And Amma being unreasonable? My friend has gone mad, right? Yeah, sounds like. Great. Send them away.

Send them away. Thank you for listening. Take care out there. It's a tough time, so be kind to one another. Don't forget to wash your hands. Yeah. When you get to anywhere, really. Get to anywhere and get home.

Yeah. Wash your hands. Moistriise your hands. because chapped skin is not good for infection control. Yeah, if you have a cough, don't go to work. If you have a fever, don't go to work. If you don't feel well, don't go to work. I appreciate that's not as easy for everyone as it is for me.

I get like two full months' worth of sick pay where I work before I go on to statutory sick pay. But do please, please look after yourselves and other people. And in some exciting news, we're pleased to announce our new live show at Wembley Arena next week. of seats come on down there's room for everyone I won't be there

we probably will put out additional episodes over the course of the next few weeks or months because they're keeping me sane I've been struggling with anxiety and doing this is silly and good so look out for those and then it'll go back to normal or go back to being like I fucking hate mum's

that I'm doing this every other week at most bye how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.